Can't get Hanako out of my mind.
Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 3:33 pm
I'm posting this here since I'd appreaciate some help from you guys. I just felt that the only way I could express myself was via a story. If it's a problem, I'd be glad to move it.
I TLDRed it with questions. The story is meant to give you an idea on how bad it is.
I'm so sorry if i should have posted it somewhere else or not at all.
=========================================================================================================
10th July 2012
I sit back, reeling from what I’ve just experienced. The credits are still rolling but mind is on one single thing, no, person.
Hanako
=
If you told me that I’d be falling in love with a virtual girl, concocted from the minds of 4Leaf studios, in a game about dating girls, I’d call you mad.
To say I’m feeling weird would be a rather huge understatement. I feel sadness and happiness, a rather bittersweet taste at intensity foreign to me, until now. I want to protect her, be with her, but she doesn’t exist.
Or is she?
My mind, in my opinion, is a place of pure chaos. I’ve always been imaginative as a kid, a result from being the alienated fat boy all my life. I guess when the fat kid became the fat guy, my imagination become the many voices in my head, albeit crazy and highly reliant on day dreaming to intrude into my life. I guess it’s partly due to this fact that Hanako seemed to come to life in my mind for the next few days.
=
I’m on reddit and 4chan now. I make a post on the KS forums telling others about these so-called FEELS, an urge that until now, I have managed to suppress. I’m told that this was normal; that I just had a bad case of the FEELS and that I’m not so different after all. Reading Hanako’s bio, I realise that today is her birthday and celebrations were already underway. I creep on the Hanako birthday thread but avoid commenting. I soon have a folder full of artwork of her. I learn about the joke of how she tastes like bacon. I feel half amused, half offended on her behalf. Strange, considering the fact that I’ve never felt that defensive about someone that I just got to know.
11th July 2012
I wake up depressed, a rather empty feeling in my heart for reasons I can’t explain. I start the computer, hear the Windows start up sound and there she is as my wallpaper, offering me a hug. I browse the web for a while but lacking conviction, I switch my laptop off and go about making breakfast.
She is sitting at the table, waiting for me, in my mind. I make myself a cup of coffee and sit down at the table. I spend half an hour staring in to space but in my mind, I’m chatting with her with my imagination acting as both director as well as script writer.
My conscience reminds me that I’ve got to study for my resit in my medical exams. Normally, I’d ignore that nagging voice, but somehow it sounds different today. It tells me to do it for Hanako. I feel galvanised and begin working. It is an odd sensation to be studying while simultaneously imagining her sitting next to me, watching me and providing me with silent support.
My sister returns from school, becoming a catalyst for my imagination. Hanako spends the afternoon interacting with my family and I. An enjoyable afternoon which ends abruptly when I realise that I’ve wasted so much time day dreaming about a girl, an imaginary girl no less, at such an intensity and detail that I’ve never done before. The dream shatters and I realise, with a pang of sadness, that I will probably never meet my Hanako. Ever.
I take my issue to the forums and told that it was entirely possible to meet a girl like Hanako. The cynic in me scoffs at the notion. ‘In what universe, this one?’ I think bitterly. I spend the rest of time googling Hanako and she joins me yet again.
It’s 2am and I’ve convinced myself that it is ENTIRELY possible to meet someone like Hanako. The cynic part of me has been suppressed by ideas of me meeting Hanako in scenes worthy of any romance movie. Love at first sight and all of that tripe.
12th July 2012
I wake up alone, but in my mind with Hanako at my side. I spend my day moping, half anchored in reality, half lost in a fantasy world of Hanako. The obsession, if I dare to call it that, is a double edged sword. It drives me to impress her but saddens me when I emerge into reality.
I look down at my body and come to the decision that I ought to lose some weight. Funny that I never cared how I looked till now. I change, grab my racquet and soon, I’m walking to the courts. I hear a horn and see my friend driving by. He offers to play with me but I politely decline, giving him the excuse that I have only one racquet. In my mind, I’m introducing him to Hanako while she shyly stands behind me. He congratulates me and tells us that we make a great couple. I walk into the courts with a stupid grin on my face for no one to see.
30 minutes later, I’m straggling along. The ball is too fast and I struggle to return my own shots, driving home the point that I am really out of shape. Hanako is teasing, questioning my stamina. I retort by telling her I last where it counts and she turns bright red. I laugh at her reaction while in reality I curse my imagination for taunting me with such happy things.
I get home, shower and start studying. Hanako seems to appear and disappear, flickering even, but is still at the back of my mind. Until I ‘met’ Hanako, I had been unmotivated, unwilling to strive in both studies as well as improving my health. I just didn’t give a fuck. She somehow changed that. Perhaps it’s the adrenaline from the squash game, or perhaps it’s my imagination losing its grip, but Hanako becomes more and more vague. I panic and feel relieved at the same time. She has turned my life upside down, in both good ways and bad. She has become my driving force as well as the road block to my future.
It’s confusing, depressing and uplifting all at once to have an imaginary Hanako cheering me onward. But is this unhealthy? Am I going mad? Mind you, going mad over Hanako doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Do I continue moving forward like this? Or do I banish these FEELS? There is no middle ground. I consider asking the guys on the forums, but how do I express myself. And then a stroke of inspiration, perhaps brought about by Hanako.
A story. A story of sorts.
=========================================================================================================================================================
1) is it healthy to be so obsessed over Hanako?
2) I don't want to forget her! But what if I live on wihtout meeting anyone like her? I'd become one grumpy guy, that's for sure.
3) She changed me, and now I'm obssessed. What do I do?
I TLDRed it with questions. The story is meant to give you an idea on how bad it is.
I'm so sorry if i should have posted it somewhere else or not at all.
=========================================================================================================
10th July 2012
I sit back, reeling from what I’ve just experienced. The credits are still rolling but mind is on one single thing, no, person.
Hanako
=
If you told me that I’d be falling in love with a virtual girl, concocted from the minds of 4Leaf studios, in a game about dating girls, I’d call you mad.
To say I’m feeling weird would be a rather huge understatement. I feel sadness and happiness, a rather bittersweet taste at intensity foreign to me, until now. I want to protect her, be with her, but she doesn’t exist.
Or is she?
My mind, in my opinion, is a place of pure chaos. I’ve always been imaginative as a kid, a result from being the alienated fat boy all my life. I guess when the fat kid became the fat guy, my imagination become the many voices in my head, albeit crazy and highly reliant on day dreaming to intrude into my life. I guess it’s partly due to this fact that Hanako seemed to come to life in my mind for the next few days.
=
I’m on reddit and 4chan now. I make a post on the KS forums telling others about these so-called FEELS, an urge that until now, I have managed to suppress. I’m told that this was normal; that I just had a bad case of the FEELS and that I’m not so different after all. Reading Hanako’s bio, I realise that today is her birthday and celebrations were already underway. I creep on the Hanako birthday thread but avoid commenting. I soon have a folder full of artwork of her. I learn about the joke of how she tastes like bacon. I feel half amused, half offended on her behalf. Strange, considering the fact that I’ve never felt that defensive about someone that I just got to know.
11th July 2012
I wake up depressed, a rather empty feeling in my heart for reasons I can’t explain. I start the computer, hear the Windows start up sound and there she is as my wallpaper, offering me a hug. I browse the web for a while but lacking conviction, I switch my laptop off and go about making breakfast.
She is sitting at the table, waiting for me, in my mind. I make myself a cup of coffee and sit down at the table. I spend half an hour staring in to space but in my mind, I’m chatting with her with my imagination acting as both director as well as script writer.
My conscience reminds me that I’ve got to study for my resit in my medical exams. Normally, I’d ignore that nagging voice, but somehow it sounds different today. It tells me to do it for Hanako. I feel galvanised and begin working. It is an odd sensation to be studying while simultaneously imagining her sitting next to me, watching me and providing me with silent support.
My sister returns from school, becoming a catalyst for my imagination. Hanako spends the afternoon interacting with my family and I. An enjoyable afternoon which ends abruptly when I realise that I’ve wasted so much time day dreaming about a girl, an imaginary girl no less, at such an intensity and detail that I’ve never done before. The dream shatters and I realise, with a pang of sadness, that I will probably never meet my Hanako. Ever.
I take my issue to the forums and told that it was entirely possible to meet a girl like Hanako. The cynic in me scoffs at the notion. ‘In what universe, this one?’ I think bitterly. I spend the rest of time googling Hanako and she joins me yet again.
It’s 2am and I’ve convinced myself that it is ENTIRELY possible to meet someone like Hanako. The cynic part of me has been suppressed by ideas of me meeting Hanako in scenes worthy of any romance movie. Love at first sight and all of that tripe.
12th July 2012
I wake up alone, but in my mind with Hanako at my side. I spend my day moping, half anchored in reality, half lost in a fantasy world of Hanako. The obsession, if I dare to call it that, is a double edged sword. It drives me to impress her but saddens me when I emerge into reality.
I look down at my body and come to the decision that I ought to lose some weight. Funny that I never cared how I looked till now. I change, grab my racquet and soon, I’m walking to the courts. I hear a horn and see my friend driving by. He offers to play with me but I politely decline, giving him the excuse that I have only one racquet. In my mind, I’m introducing him to Hanako while she shyly stands behind me. He congratulates me and tells us that we make a great couple. I walk into the courts with a stupid grin on my face for no one to see.
30 minutes later, I’m straggling along. The ball is too fast and I struggle to return my own shots, driving home the point that I am really out of shape. Hanako is teasing, questioning my stamina. I retort by telling her I last where it counts and she turns bright red. I laugh at her reaction while in reality I curse my imagination for taunting me with such happy things.
I get home, shower and start studying. Hanako seems to appear and disappear, flickering even, but is still at the back of my mind. Until I ‘met’ Hanako, I had been unmotivated, unwilling to strive in both studies as well as improving my health. I just didn’t give a fuck. She somehow changed that. Perhaps it’s the adrenaline from the squash game, or perhaps it’s my imagination losing its grip, but Hanako becomes more and more vague. I panic and feel relieved at the same time. She has turned my life upside down, in both good ways and bad. She has become my driving force as well as the road block to my future.
It’s confusing, depressing and uplifting all at once to have an imaginary Hanako cheering me onward. But is this unhealthy? Am I going mad? Mind you, going mad over Hanako doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Do I continue moving forward like this? Or do I banish these FEELS? There is no middle ground. I consider asking the guys on the forums, but how do I express myself. And then a stroke of inspiration, perhaps brought about by Hanako.
A story. A story of sorts.
=========================================================================================================================================================
1) is it healthy to be so obsessed over Hanako?
2) I don't want to forget her! But what if I live on wihtout meeting anyone like her? I'd become one grumpy guy, that's for sure.
3) She changed me, and now I'm obssessed. What do I do?