An Apology to the Nurse

[lolawesome]

Dear ... uh ... Nurse? ... I forgot your name, sorry

Anyways, I would like to apologize in writing for my behavior last night. Some people say it would be better in person, but that's bullshit. This apology letter is tangible proof of my heartfelt guilt. Provided the letter doesn't become wet or blown away by a gust of wind or set on fire ... seriously, paper is flimsy. If you would like, I could imprint this in carbonite. My hallmate, Kenji, says he knows a guy. But I digress. I didn't mean to go off on a nonsensical tangent. Sorry. Oh, not that this apology letter is about that rant. Or that I couldn't remember your name (Is it Allen? I want to say your name is Allen, because you totally have an "Allen" vibe). Uh again, it was about what happened the night before. My actions were totally uncalled for. Though, maybe if I attempt to tell you exactly what I was thinking, you would understand.

Firstly, accusing you of being "an alien bodysnatcher" and refusing to let you render aid for the first 15 minutes or so. You see, I was drunk. Totally, totally shitfaced drunk. But being a person in a medical field ... or just a person in general ... you probably already knew that. Being an ardent fan of science-fiction novels, also didn't help. So ... sorry for that.

Secondly, once in your office, running to the bathroom and barricading myself there for an hour until the janitor could come with the key. At 3 am. So, so sorry. My body was more alcohol than blood at that point plus the fact I still thought of you as an extra-terrestrial human-napper didn't help. If you can, would you kindly pass on an apology to the janitor? Especially the part about hitting him with the plunger in the face once he unlocked the door. And the removal of my clothing during the ensuing struggle. You see, after the janitor took away the plunger, I was left without any weapons to defend myself from otherworldly beings. And so, I did what I thought was clever improvisation then (and now that I'm sober, think it's actually mind-blowingly brilliant) and took off my clothing and threw them as projectiles at you guys. I don't know first hand what trying to subdue a flailing naked man is like, but I would imagine it's not high up on the enjoyable activities hierarchy.

Thirdly, all the girlish crying. You see, it was a very stressful time for me. Coming to terms with being at Yamaku, whiskey coursing through my veins, worrying that my organs are now forfeit to aliens, and the bleeding from my beautiful face. I mean, I don't mean to brag, but I know I'm a very handsome guy. And my life revolves that fact. Being disfigured is a big blow to my psyche. I mean, I would then be just an above average looking guy. And I don't want to be an above average looking guy, I like my life as an Adonis. Maybe you can give me pointers on how to live life as a non-gift to womankind guy later.

Fourthly, the mess I left. Yeah, pissing and crapping yourself while passed out is a rather shameful thing. So I was too embarrassed to stick around and face you. And sorry for the broken window that I smashed to escape your judgmental eyes. I realize now that I could have easily just opened it, but I was really scared of you finding out about my loss of faculties during the night. In summation, it was really, really stressful, and I panicked. Sorry about your window.

So ... sorry Nurse .. Allen, is it? If it's not, can I call you Allen? Because like I said, you totally have an Allen vibe.

-Hisao Nakai, slightly less handsome man thanks to a Manly Picnic

[Mirage_GSM]

I see someone else has been reading Cracked today

[lolawesome]

haha yeah

would you know what I'm talking about if I mention an audio demon possessed glorious master CD player?

[Roamin12]

The ending made this all make sense. I got a laugh out of this.

[Kielox]

You are a horrible, horrible person, look what you made me do:
.....

Dear Hisao,

Perhaps it is due to stress, perhaps it is a genetic condition, but one thing is clear, you've gone barking mad. To begin with, I have told you multiple times that my name is Kenzo, I don't even know why you would think my name is Allen, as this is not a Japanese name. Anyhow, that's the least of my worries, what with all of the ruckus you made last night.
I am afraid that you have not relayed even half of the relevant details in your account of the proceedings. Allow me to refresh your memory. Yesterday night, at 2am, I got a phone call from you on my mobile; when I answered you started yelling, without any introduction or greeting: "Dr. ALLEN, Allen, doctor, they are here, I am dying, come to your office fast, I need medical attention and stuff". Naturally, I jumped out of bed and made for the medical office as fast as I could. There, I found you and Kenji really drunk. In fact Kenji had just passed out on my desk but that didn’t stop you from grabbing him and shaking him with one hand, while pointing at me with the other and shouting: "there is the bodysnatcher, he comes to collect our souls, our sins, down with the bodysnatcher, that murderous creature. Quick Kenji, throw a silver dagger at him to disable his alien blaster! And stuff."
Next, you attempted to climb up the curtains yelling “you will remember this day as the day you almost caught captain Hisao Sparrow, you scurvy dog, you” At this point I tried to approach you and get you down but you pushed me aside and made for the bathroom, where you, as you already observed, locked yourself. When the Janitor kindly agreed to come with the key and unlocked the door you started throwing toilet paper at him and accused him of being a treacherous minion of “Allen, the spawn of the evil dark-death-lord of bodysnatchers and stuff” and then you put your hands on your face and started lamenting the loss of your beautiful face, as you quietly whispered "Adonis, my brother, we are doomed to the life of an average Joe".
I won’t even go into the other stuff you mentioned.

Hisao, we need to talk.
Regards,
Nurse Kenzo

[Elcor]

This is what happens when Kenji doesn't push you off the roof at the end of act 1.

[Roamin12]

That was great. I had the biggest smile on my face when I saw that fan fiction of a fan fiction post. Hilarious.

[Scissorlips]

I enjoyed that, it's great to see the master of romance taken down a peg. He's obviously been spending far too much time around Kenji, but at least he had a manly picnic and lived to see another day.
I really like the idea of Hisao actually being a vain, self-centered jerk underneath it all, even if it's kind of cliche to hate on him. The Nurse would strike me as an Allen too, except that he's supposed to be Japanese, and they don't do good with L's. Arren, haha. Oh, and he's totally a gift to womankind, didn't you get that he's tapping Meiko?

[Mirage_GSM]

Actually, the Japanese R sounds very much like an L.
They have much more trouble pronouncing an actual R-sound.

[Scissorlips]

Actually, the Japanese R sounds very much like an L.
They have much more trouble pronouncing an actual R-sound.

Right, I knew it was one of those. I'll stop posting at 4 AM one of these days.

[Hoitash]

Actually, the Japanese R sounds very much like an L.
They have much more trouble pronouncing an actual R-sound.

Right, I knew it was one of those. I'll stop posting at 4 AM one of these days.

If I had a nickel for everytime I'd thought that, I could afford to keep doing it with my job.