Real (A Suzu/OC Story) Chapter 16 Now Up

[BlackRockHanako]

I am enjoying the hell out of this story so far. Keep it up!

ZOMG Doomish commented on my story asdhasmhioacn!!1! *head explodes*

I kid, I kid. Thanks for the support though Doom, I'm liking your Mutou story

While I'm at it though, how do you link to different chapters?

Click on the subject line of the post you want to link to. The new URL is the link to that post.

[DanjaDoom]

I am enjoying the hell out of this story so far. Keep it up!

ZOMG Doomish commented on my story asdhasmhioacn!!1! *head explodes*

I kid, I kid. Thanks for the support though Doom, I'm liking your Mutou story

While I'm at it though, how do you link to different chapters?

Click on the subject line of the post you want to link to. The new URL is the link to that post.

Much obliged, homie

[nemz]

Decent start so far. I'll keep an eye on this one.

btw:

“But you, on the other hand! You’re perfect! I can see it in her eyes! She wants you to throw her on her bed and take her maidenhood her, you stud! You two are perfect for eachother”

should probably be

“But you on the other hand, you’re perfect! I can see it in her eyes, she wants you to throw her on her bed and take her maidenhood, you stud! You two are perfect for each other!”

[DanjaDoom]

Decent start so far. I'll keep an eye on this one.

btw:

“But you, on the other hand! You’re perfect! I can see it in her eyes! She wants you to throw her on her bed and take her maidenhood her, you stud! You two are perfect for eachother”

should probably be

“But you on the other hand, you’re perfect! I can see it in her eyes, she wants you to throw her on her bed and take her maidenhood, you stud! You two are perfect for each other!”

I'll get right on that, heh

[stanman237]

Hmmm I have a feeling that the next Doomish Story would be about Suzu or I'm entirely wrong

[griffon8]

I'm enjoying the story. Nice to see more minor characters in the spotlight.

though I suppose you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover.

Aaaaaand here's a grammar lesson. Don't worry, this is one of the simplest to remember.

its = possessive
it's = it is
There are no exceptions.

[DanjaDoom]

I'm enjoying the story. Nice to see more minor characters in the spotlight.

though I suppose you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover.

Aaaaaand here's a grammar lesson. Don't worry, this is one of the simplest to remember.

its = possessive
it's = it is
There are no exceptions.

gaaah,how'd I miss that one. Fix'd

[BlackRockHanako]

Just another little forum related tip to clean up the little contents section you have going and make it nicer to read.

when you use the url tags, you can also do it like NAME HERE

For example in your first section to link to chapter two it would look like

Code: Select all

[url=http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=6196#p96399]War Dance[/url]

and that would come out simply as War Dance


Really enjoying the story and looking forward to the next part. Where do I find a girl who can kick my ass at Street Fighter?

[DanjaDoom]

Just another little forum related tip to clean up the little contents section you have going and make it nicer to read.

when you use the url tags, you can also do it like NAME HERE

For example in your first section to link to chapter two it would look like

Code: Select all

[url=http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=6196#p96399]War Dance[/url]

and that would come out simply as War Dance


Really enjoying the story and looking forward to the next part. Where do I find a girl who can kick my ass at Street Fighter?

Thanks Black, I've been wondering how to do, heh

And I've been looking too. They're all taken.

[DanjaDoom]

O hai forums
Alrighty, this one's...long. Well, longer than my last ones.
I apologize in advance for any wierdness or just plan what the fuck-ery.
As always, comments are VERY appreciated, so give me your input

Chapter 3: Creatures of the Night
After the rather eventful day at the mall, I almost forget that I am, in fact still at school.

And with school comes work.

And with work comes a bright and happy- Oh fuck it, this sucks, I wish I was dead.

Well, “dead” is a rather strong word, especially around a place like Yamaku. Though my disability isn’t particularly threatening, (aside from giving me a rather large blind spot on my left), I imagine the kids here would rather not be reminded that the school they attend is, at its core, a glorified hospice.

Nonetheless, the people here seem to genuinely enjoy the time they spend in these walls. Or they’re just good at faking it.

A few students, however, seem to be enjoying their time here way too much.

Just the other day, I bumped into a guy walking down the hall. Before I could apologize, he whirled around and got just an inch apart from my face. I wasn’t sure whether to punch him or just back away slowly. Looking back, his glasses were about the size of car tires, so I’m assuming his vision was pretty shitty. He went on to tell me about a “secretive feminist assassination plot” that was to take place in every major capital city across the globe before placing a crumpled pamphlet into my pocket and hurrying off.

The pamphlet read as follows:

The world of man is under attack now.
Yes, now as in RIGHT now.
This very MINUTE now.
Want to learn how the inevitable feminist coup of Japan will affect you and your child’s future?
Come to Room 117 this Saturday from 5:00 pm to 7:00 pm.
Free pouch of Capri Sun and handful of Funyuns for every attendee.
No refills.

I feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to live next to that guy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Though I've only been here a few weeks or so, I can’t say that this school is too different from any other.

Just like any other school,the opposite sexes are stewing in social awkwardness, and it’s making for all sorts of funny situations.

Just like any other school, cliques are formed to weed out the social undesirables and lead them into the lion’s den for slaughter. It’s kinda funny in a “not really funny at all” way.

And, Just like any other school, tests are the bane of a student's otherwise perfectly peaceful day. A day such as this, to be exact.

As luck would have it, however, it’s an English test. Considering I speak English pretty fluently, this should be a no-brainer. In theory.

In actuality, they keep throwing curveballs my way in the form of words that I’m fairly certain no one has used since the colonists landed in California and fought off the Germans to reclaim Alaska.

History isn’t my best subject, as it turns out.

I should've expected they would have made the test harder for a fluent English speaker, though I still deserve the right to bitch about it. I am part American after all, it’s in my blood.

As for the girls, Molly seems to have a pretty good grasp on the subject, Suzu is taking her third power nap of the class period, and Miki might as well be reading Latin.

I turn back subtly to catch a glimpse of how my fellow students are faring. Misha, the Mighty Pink Drill, seems to be in the same boat as Miki. Her partner, however, remains as calm and collected as ever, if she’s even having any difficulties, she’s doing a fine job of hiding it. She happens to catch me staring at her, and angrily points to my paper before continuing her work. I get the strangest feeling that she owns more than one pair of handcuffs.

Hanako, the burn scar girl, seems to be struggling as well. Frankly, the sight of her face twisted up into a confused grimace just makes me want to hug her. I doubt that’d be the best idea, however.Earlier that week, while she was getting a drink at the water fountain, I tried to ask her where the first floor bathroom was. Before I could get out three words, she let out a banshee wail and took off like a bat outta hell. She also took down a couple second years on her way out; she’s got a pretty impressive tackling arm.

Dammit, Aaron, pull it together! You’re American, and Americans don’t quit, even when it would be a really good idea too. Plus, it’d be pretty embarrassing to get beaten on an English test by someone who doesn’t even speak English. With renewed resolve, I put pencil to paper and forge onward.

For my countrymen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, all things considered, a C isn’t too bad. I mean, I was practically reading War and Peace over here; I’m sure all the other kids had See Spot Run or some shit like that.

Judging from the faces around me, save for maybe the bespectacled dominatrix, they didn’t do so hot either. Frankly, I’m surprised Suzu managed to get anything done at all. I suppose she’s used to having to work fast, given the unpredictability of her condition.

The lunch bell rings soon after, and the procession of shame begins, with students doing their best to avoid the disappointed gaze of the English teacher. I make my way towards the cafeteria alongside my favorite trio; Miki seems to have gotten over her test trauma pretty quickly, though Molly seems a bit anxious.

The lunch room is a hive of activity, with students exchanging homework answers or discussing upcoming tests. It reminds me a bit of home, if at a much more subdued level.

Picking up our lunches, we head outside into the courtyard, where various concrete tables sit under the cooling shade of the gazebos. There’s always a bit of a race (at least by Yamaku standards) to get out here, especially when it’s nice a breezy out like today.

As soon as we take our seats, Molly’s face meets the table.

“I failed. I failed so hard my failure has reached a new plane of existence.”

“Molly, that makes absolutely no sense,” I say.

Undeterred, she continues on with her ramblings,including her fear of being called a “pencil chewer” for the rest of her life, whatever that means.

“Meh, it was just one test, what’s the big deal? I’ll just do better on the next ones,” Miki states, stretching her arms behind her head.

“Like your last test?” Suzu replies.

Miki sticks a tounge out in response and straightens up.

“So, Suzu, how’s the Literature Club going?”

My interest is piqued a bit at this. Suzu never mentioned anything about being in a club.

She simply shrugs her shoulders and twirls a plastic fork in her hands.

“Usual.”

What’s “usual” in Suzu World, I wonder?

Miki suddenly seems to grow a very cheshire cat-like grin upon her face.

Don’t say it, Miki...

“Su, how about letting Aaron join the Literature club, it could be fun!”

Nononononono.

Miki simply nods her head at her ingenious plan.

“The club is perfect for you! You can get your ass the culture it so desperately needs. After all, everyone knows girls get wet for smart guys. I should know, I am one!”

I highly doubt Miki is the type to sit down and discuss whether Catherine should have gone with Heathcliff or Edgar, but she does seem to have a point. I do find myself wanting to get to know Suzu, to get closer to her. If that means spending a couple nights a week pretending I know anything about eighteenth century British literature, then so be it.

“I suppose I could try it out...”

Miki’s previously mischievous expression morphs to one of confusion, Suzu’s eyebrows seem to raise ever so slightly, and even Molly’s come out of her Blue Screen of Death.

I flash a smile Suzu’s way; she studies me for a moment, as if to gauge whether I’m sincere in my intentions. I’m not, of course, but she doesn’t need to know that.

After a while she slumps her shoulders and cradles her head in her arms.

“You don’t want to join.” she says, her voice muffled through her shirt.

It’s like someone popped an invisible balloon in the vicinity.

“I don’t?”

“No, you don’t.”

The finality in her voice is clear. While I’m relieved to be clear of any club obligations, a small part of me feels a bit hurt at the thought of Suzu being so adamant about not wanting me around. It’s childish, I know, but I can’t help it. I suppose this is one of those “thinking with your other head“ moments that occur in the life of every man.

Suddenly, a light bulb pops up over my head.

“Well, how about I attend your next meeting, and see how it is for myself?”
Suzu considers this for a second, her misty green eyes staring up at me from the confines of her arms. I feel my stomach flutter a bit.

With a sigh she sits up and stretches her shoulders out.

“Alright, you can come. The next meeting is this Friday.”

I smile in victory “Sounds good.”

“Ugh, I swear I hang out with a bunch of nerds,” Miki says in jest.

Molly, Suzu, and I share a conspiratory look towards each other, then proceed to each flick a bit of rice at her forehead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The week passes by without much incident, but I feel myself growing more and more antsy about the upcoming Literature club meeting. Looking back, it was pretty moronic to fall for Miki’s taunt like that. Nonetheless, I made a commitment, and I’m gonna keep it, no matter how much I may bitch about it. Besides, all I have to do is attend one measly meeting, and I’ll be off the hook.

No big deal.

I pace in my room, wall-to-wall, as I’m so apt to do. This room’s about the size of my old one; it gives me at least some degree of comfort, makes me feel at home. I think about everything, but at the same time think about nothing. The girls, the mall, video games, clubs, school, sharks with dynamite in their mouths. I shake my head and try to regain my train of thought. I never can keep my head straight, it seems.

The more I think, the more confused I get, and the more confused I get the harder it is more me to think. Screw it, television it is.

I tune in to some music channel, featuring a effeminate pop idol being interviewed by a bunch of overexcited Japanese girls who are there to tap into the lonely nerd demographic.
Japan’s not so different from the states, it seems.

Ignoring the high-pitched yammering sprouting from the TV, my the wheel in my head starts to turn again, and eventually my thoughts settle on a familiar blue head.

What is it about that girl? Why her?

I mean, Miki’s much more sociable it seems, and she’s definitely easy to talk too. Molly’s smart, a really nice girl, and keeps on the straight and narrow. Not to mention that they’re both quite cute. So why Suzu?

Suzu is different from most people. That much is obvious. She’s like a rubik's cube you think you’ve solved, only to find one green square on the red side. Well, a rubik’s cube in the form of a cute schoolgirl with narcolepsy. Maybe that’s the allure.

Everyone wants something that seems out of their reach. It’s only human nature. But what happens when that impossibility is suddenly possible? Does it take the fun out of the journey if you can just instantly get to the destination? Is it wrong to perceive Suzu like this? As a conquest? As something you can put into possibilities and statistics?

What the hell am I even talking about?!

I grasp my head in frustration and lay back down.

This always happens when I think.

I look at the digital clock next to my bed. Only eight o’clock. Barely breaking into night time. And yet I’ve never felt more tired in my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The fateful night has come.

I meet up Suzu at the entrance to the girls dorm, and we begin our walk to the Literature club room in relative silence. The afternoon is slowly giving way to evening, and the faintest hint of orange tint emerges on the horizon.

Suzu, as usual, stays close to my side. I know it’s out of necessity, but I still feel a bit flustered having her so close.

Suddenly, she breaks apart from me and takes seat on a nearby bench, gripping her head.

“You alright?” I ask, concern in my voice.

She bites her lip and scrunches her brow a bit.

I take a seat next to her and offer my support,and she places a hand on my knee as assurance.

“I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Do you want to head back?” I ask. It’s partly a selfish suggestion, as I’m not particularly eager to attend the club.

She shakes her head and assures me she’s fine.

I take her arm in mine and lead onwards. Her steps are slow and methodical at first, though they eventually return to relative normalness.

Luckily the Literature club meets on the first floor, fittingly near the book storeroom.

The hallway where the club meets is a bit darker than the rest of the school, and what little light is left outside barely peeks through the windows at the end of the hall. Overall, it makes for a pretty creepy atmosphere.

We enter the club room, and it seems to be even darker than the hallway. A single desk lamp illuminates around a circular table, which is surrounded by three figures in...

Black robes?

The figures all rise in slow-deliberate fashion, as if they’ve practiced this routine many times before. Once they’ve all fully stood, they remove their hoods in a synchronized movement.

Two of the them I recognize almost immediately as a few of my classmates.

“Lelouch? Akio?”

“Oh, hey Aaron,” Akio answers, only to receive a sharp elbow in the side from Lelouch. He

“I mean, ahem, welcome to the sanctum of infinite wisdom. We are the harbingers of this sacred dwelling, the deliverers of worlds lost eons ago to the great maw of time,we-”

“You’re the literature club?’

“...Yeah”

“Well, your delivery was good, just gotta tweak your voice a bit, it’ll make it more believable.”

The third figure clears his throat rather loudly before stepping forward to address me.

“Yeeees, you must be the newest disciple to the Order of the Word!”

“...The Literature Club?”

“The Order of the Word,” he retorts.

He then turns to address Suzu, whose complete indifference to this whole thing suggests that this goes on quite often.

“Suzuki...” he says, bitterness replacing his hammy, dramatic tone.

“Lezard,” she replies, returning his bitterness in kind. So this is the infamous Lezard. Even if he’s not an insufferable douche like he’s been made out as, he certainly looks the part.

He clears his throat once again, in what I suspect is a habit of his.

“The Order of the Word shall commence ceremonies at once! We will begin today with our celebrated and sacred feast!

The “feast,” as it turns out, consists of various wasabi nuts, rice crackers, and fruit juice around an old kids table that barely reaches out knees. It all tastes a bit stale, but it’s at least enough to sate my stomach.

Maybe they’re not as weird as I pictured them to be. I mean, the freemasons wear robes, why can’t a struggling after-school club in Japan? Equal opportunity I say.

“So what do you guys do around here?”

As soon as I finish my question, Lezard jumps up in his chair, dropping a rice cracker in the process. He produces a rather worn brown scrapbook from his robes. God I hope he’s not naked underneath those.

“We have but one goal in mind!”

The cover of the book features a painfully bad drawing of what I assume is Lezard, making a Captain Morgan pose on the Earth.

“I drew it myself,” Akio proclaims. Evidently art isn’t the strong suit of anyone here.

Lezard then plants the book inches in front of my face. It smells strongly of dried glue and sawdust. I really hope he’s wearing something under his robes.

“That goal is to bring an Era of Enlightenment to Yamaku! This place is a culturally starved wasteland, a hive of philistines and mongrels whose hedonism and uncouthness will bring upon a downfall not seen since Sodom and Gomorrah! Heed my words friend, I am the forbearer of a new age, a crusader of linguistics, a knight of the spoken word! I AM LITERATURE MADE FLESH! HUMBLE YOURSELF BEFORE ME!”

There are two types of crazy in this world. Funny crazy and scary crazy. This is an unholy mix of both.
Akio and Lelouch begin to applaud for their leader, and I decide it’s best to follow suit. Even Suzu offers up a bit of applause, though it’s obvious her heart’s not exactly in it.

“So,” I continue, “ you’re the, uh, forbearing crusader guy, what do the rest of you do?”

Lelouch returns to his seat and places his chin against his right fist.

“I plot,” he answers in a rather straightforward tone.

“Plot what?” I ask.

“Downfall.”

“Of?”

“...Things.”

Deciding that it’s probably best to end this conversation early, I turn to Akio.

He shrugs his shoulders.

“I’m treasurer.”

Fair enough. It’s still a mystery as to why someone as unbelievably normal as Akio is hanging out with the Megalomaniac and the Sociopath.

Lezard wrings his hands together. Dramatically.

“Well, what shall we do now?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Cave golem hits for 12 damage.”

“Unacceptable!” Lezard shouts, banging his fists on the table.

This game has been going on for roughly twenty minutes, and Lezard is already bitching up a storm. Not to mention that he’s already lost most of his health, received three broken ribs, and lost two fingers within the first seven minutes. Akio, the dungeon master, is about at his breaking point.

“Lezard, for the last time, you only have two points put into sneak, he’s way too high level for you to go around,” Akio explains.

“Very well then, I use teleport to take me to the end of this damned dungeon and retrieve the Scepter of Abu-Wabu!”

Akio sighs and rubs his temples. “Teleport doesn’t do that!”

Frustrated, Lezard crumples his character sheet into a ball and flings it across the room.

“This childish, mediocre game is, is... dumb!”

“You were the one who wanted to play. Besides, who makes a dwarf wizard and puts his stats into open lock and intimidate? Those don’t help you at all!” I retort.

Lezard looks indignant at this point, and his voice begins to heighten in pitch.

“I told you, I was striking up a balance! Besides, everyone picks the half elf wizard; I am not everyone, I am Lezard Valeth! Where does it say in the manual that wizards can’t climb and pick locks?!”

“Well, nowhere, but-”

“Exactly! Now, I want to use Magic Missile on the cave golem!”

“You already went,you can’t-” Akio begins, only to be cut off by Lezard making a gun motion with his hand and shouting “MISSILE!” repeatedly. It’s a bit sad to watch, really.

Suzu taps her fingers against the table impatiently while Lelouch goes over his character stats. Their cleric and rogue characters have seen little action the entire campaign, thanks to Lezard’s insistence on doing absolutely everything by himself. Even my half elf archer has been absent from the fold.

I thought we were supposed to read books in this club?

Finally, after about the dozenth “MISSILE!” shout, Akio relents and rolls a dice to calculate Lezard’s damage for his barrage of magic missiles.

“You miss all your shots, and the golem hits you for-”

Akio rolls again. A slight smirk appears on his lips.

“... 120 damage. You’re grounded into a fine powder which the golem proceeds to use as itching medicine for some reason.”

Lezard goes positively nuclear under the collar and flips the dungeon set over.

“MEETING’S OVER!”

The rest of the group exchange glances before shrugging and exiting the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The orange landscape that was present just a few hours ago has now given way to total darkness. A few lampposts dot the path from the main building to the dorms, and I can’t help but be reminded of the taxi scene in The Exorcist.

I wouldn’t admit it out loud, but the dark still send a chill up my spine, especially considering my virtual blindness in my left eye.If a chainsaw wielding maniac comes out of left field, I’m a goner. I feel myself walking just as close to Suzu as she is to me.

“Told you you wouldn’t like it,” she blurts.

I jump a bit at her sudden outburst, but quickly collect myself and respond.

“It’s not like I didn’t like it, it’s just that everyone there was...”

“Freaky?” she says.

“Well, i wouldn’t say freaky... just a bit different. Kinda like you and me.”

She looks up at me as I say this, confusion in her eyes.

“How are you different? You’re just like everyone else here.”

The harshness of her sentence along with the softness of her voice makes for a jarring combination, to say the least.

“How so?” I ask.

“You’re trying to mask your problems by laughing. Pushing them back. I see it all the time.”

“Is that a bad thing?...” I ask.

“Not really. It’s kinda nice actually. At least you’re not like Lezard.”

I shudder at the thought.

Before long we reach the girls dorm, and I bid her farewell and turn to leave. As I do so, however, I feel a pale hand lock in mine.

“Aren’t you going to come in?” she asks.

Oh shit. Shitty shitty shit shit.

I rummage through just about every movie, tv show and magazine article stored in my brain to try and find an appropriate response to this question.

I let out a mumbling yelp that could vaguely be described as a “yeah,” and follow Suzu inside. I feel like I’m running through a level of Metal Gear Solid, attempting to dodge the crowd of girls that have gathered in the dorms. It’s still a good hour away from curfew, so we’re not exactly breaking the rules; nonetheless, there are few ways to interpret a girl leading a guy up to her dorm by hand after dark, and none of them are particularly innocent.

Still, I find myself wondering just why Suzu bothered to bring me up here anyway. With the exhausting day at the Literature Club, it seems like she’d want nothing more than to crash. As much as I try to fight it, my mind keeps coming to the same dirty confusion. If Miki and Molly find out about this, I’ll never hear the end of it.

We catch the eye of a trio of girls walking down the hall; they give us some odd looks before winking at Suzu and giggling like, well, schoolgirls.

Before long we stop in front of what I assume is Suzu’s room. She rummages around in her pockets and pulls out a small silver key. I take a breath and brace myself. This is a big step in the relationship of every teenager, it’s important to be a calm and collected as possible. Wait, that’s not right, we’re not even in a relationship.

At least not yet.

Is that what she’s bringing me here for?

Oh God I’m not calm and collected.

Suzu opens the door and hit a nearby lightswitch. As expected with a girls room, it looks positively...filthy.

Comics and manga volumes are tossed haphazardly around the room, the bed looks like it’s been barely made, and various poster line the wall. A nineteen inch television sits across the foot of the bed, a Playstation 3 resting nearby in a tangle of wires. I’ve never been in a girls room before, and I certainly didn’t expect it to look like this. If anything, it’s messier than most of my guy friend’s rooms.

Suzu takes a seat against her bedframe, and I tentatively plop down next to her.

“Take this.”

She places one controller in my hands, the other in hers. I wasn’t planning on playing video games all night in the girls dorm, but I can’t really complain about this twist of fate.

She gets up to switch on the Playstation, and I find myself staring at her backside as she bends down. It’s rather nice and shapely...

She returns to the bed and I feel myself go hot in the face. Hope she didn’t see me...

She starts up the game, and the opening screen for Dark Souls appears. I continue to be impressed by Suzu’s tastes. I could definitely get some good tips from her.

I turn back to the game before my thoughts wander anywhere dirty.

Our play session lasts well into the next hour, and the next after that. We remain silent through most of the night, an unspoken bond forming between us. Her visage begins to fall a bit, her lips parting and her eyebrows furrowing. After a particularly frustrating loss, I hear what sounds like a light growl escape from her lips. It's pretty adorable.

Eventually, i’m not sure when, my vision becomes blurry, and I have to strain to keep my eyes from collapsing. Suzu is noticeably struggling to stay awake, perhaps not wanting to fall victim to her narcolepsy. She goes so far as to hit her knee to stimulate herself, anything to keep this experience from ending.

I grasp her by the shoulder and offer a warm smile.

She returns it as only she can, eyes faded like a morning mist.

Eventually her eyes close, and mine follow soon after

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My eyes slowly creak to life, artificial light shining painfully into them. I take note of my surroundings and see I’m still in Suzu’s room. Even more surprising, however, is where I decided to lay my head.

On Suzu’s lap.

At some point my head seems to have fallen on her legs. I find that I’m in no rush to move it, despite common sense telling me I probably should.

Her legs are quite smooth and noticeably cool. They make for great pillows.

I look up into Suzu’s eyes, and what I see pleases me.

Peace.

Satisfaction.

Everything seems to be cool in Suzu World. At least from where I’m laying, (and where I’m laying is quite nice).

The coolness of Suzu combined with the growing heat in my cheeks makes for a relaxing combination, and I find myself drifting back to sleep.

[Mealforthree]

In actuality, they keep throwing curveballs my way in the form of words that I’m fairly certain no one has used since the colonists landed in California and fought off the Germans to reclaim Alaska.

LOL SO RANDUM XDDDD

If that means spending a couple nights a week pretending I know anything about eighteenth century British literature, then so be it.

>Wuthering Heights
>XVIII century literature

Besides, I somehow don't feel that these over-abundant pop-cultural references are that necessary here OR at least pulled off well.

gaming sequence

OKAY, FUCK THIS, I'M OUTTA HERE, HAVE FUN


So, yeah, now that I've been an asshole a little, let's move on to serious matters and finalise my asshole-ness:
Frankly, I feel that the narrative is annoying, the character seems like a brat copypasted from "The Catcher in the Rye" and diluted with some modern references in his thought stream. Some may like it, I don't - feel like it's polluted with frivolous bullshit and so on.

Careful reading of the text provides numerous inconsistencies and plot holes; say, for example, Mr Aaron is elaborating on the way which he claims things "usually" happen in Yamaku even though he hasn't spent a week there. The literature club was downright bullshit, sorry.

Yamaku seems to have quite a concentration of foreigners, taking into account the fact that there's only about a percent of non-Japanese people in Japan.

And then - the gaming sequence, the worst thing imaginable. That stuff is unnecessary and cringeworthy, it does not bring the realism everyone so overzealously craves. Perhaps this is a problem stemming from the previously criticised narrative style, I don't know.

If you are still not boiling with hate, I'd suggest polishing your style. I don't know how, I'd say read up some literary techniques (ice-berg principle, for example) because now, however heart-warming this story might be, it suffers from poor execution.

All the best to you, and by all means - if you want to write and improve your writing - write more.

^That's not a fucking request or pushing of the author, mods.

[DanjaDoom]

In actuality, they keep throwing curveballs my way in the form of words that I’m fairly certain no one has used since the colonists landed in California and fought off the Germans to reclaim Alaska.

LOL SO RANDUM XDDDD

I KNO RITE XXXXDDDD

[DanjaDoom]

In actuality, they keep throwing curveballs my way in the form of words that I’m fairly certain no one has used since the colonists landed in California and fought off the Germans to reclaim Alaska.

LOL SO RANDUM XDDDD

If that means spending a couple nights a week pretending I know anything about eighteenth century British literature, then so be it.

>Wuthering Heights
>XVIII century literature

Besides, I somehow don't feel that these over-abundant pop-cultural references are that necessary here OR at least pulled off well.

gaming sequence

OKAY, FUCK THIS, I'M OUTTA HERE, HAVE FUN


So, yeah, now that I've been an asshole a little, let's move on to serious matters and finalise my asshole-ness:
Frankly, I feel that the narrative is annoying, the character seems like a brat copypasted from "The Catcher in the Rye" and diluted with some modern references in his thought stream. Some may like it, I don't - feel like it's polluted with frivolous bullshit and so on.

Careful reading of the text provides numerous inconsistencies and plot holes; say, for example, Mr Aaron is elaborating on the way which he claims things "usually" happen in Yamaku even though he hasn't spent a week there. The literature club was downright bullshit, sorry.

Yamaku seems to have quite a concentration of foreigners, taking into account the fact that there's only about a percent of non-Japanese people in Japan.

And then - the gaming sequence, the worst thing imaginable. That stuff is unnecessary and cringeworthy, it does not bring the realism everyone so overzealously craves. Perhaps this is a problem stemming from the previously criticised narrative style, I don't know.

If you are still not boiling with hate, I'd suggest polishing your style. I don't know how, I'd say read up some literary techniques (ice-berg principle, for example) because now, however heart-warming this story might be, it suffers from poor execution.

All the best to you, and by all means - if you want to write and improve your writing - write more.

^That's not a fucking request or pushing of the author, mods.

My jimmies remain unrustled. I agree, this wasn't my best work, and the game sequence was pretty rushed. Thanks for the input!

[Daitengu]

Suzu impatiently taps her fingers against the table impatiently while Lelouch goes over his character stats.

Only needs one "Impatiently". Which doesn't matter, just one though.

As for clubs, those happen directly after class. So Aaron chilling in his room would be quite odd unless he skipped class for some reason.

[DanjaDoom]

Suzu impatiently taps her fingers against the table impatiently while Lelouch goes over his character stats.

Only needs one "Impatiently". Which doesn't matter, just one though.

As for clubs, those happen directly after class. So Aaron chilling in his room would be quite odd unless he skipped class for some reason.

Whoops, missed that. And I was stretching the truth a bit, if you couldn't tell