Page 2 of 9

Present Pieces

Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 3:46 am
by Ascended Flutist
Here goes the second chapter, featuring sport-related shenanigans, vague cooking recipes, shameless book endorsement and actual science.
It's also long as shit.


TABLE OF CONTENT
_____________________

1 - Soft Passage

2 - Present Pieces

3 - Free to Soar

4 - Something Old, Something New
_____________________

Go to Next Post | See Changelog


Imageresent Pieces


"Tree-ree" goes the alarm clock.
Tree-ree
Tree-ree

Tree-ree Damn that thing is annoying.
Tree-ree
Tree-ree
Tree-ree
Tree-ree
Fine, you win, I surrender.
I flop my arm on the device, silencing midway its victorious "Tree-ree". I grumble, rub my eyes, stretch, grumble some more. That pillow is so comfortable, and I'm so tired; why would I want to get up so soon anyway?

My mind abruptly pictures a weeping, black-clad Hanako standing before a tombstone marked with my name. Her entire body shakes with muted sobs, tears run down from purple eyes gazing into oblivion, coursing through worryingly pale skin and brownish scar tissue...
Enough. I jolt out of the bed and quickly put my old soccer clothes on. I really don't feel like sleeping anymore, now I feel like improving my health by having a good morning run. Yep. I resolutely open the door...
...and close it back.
Forgot the pills. I would've been off to a terrific start, not taking those the day I begin to overstrain my heart for my own good.

Once I'm through my medicine-chugging routine, I can finally head out of my room and to the track field. That room as an eerie feel to it now, like it holds a false sense of security designed to make me lower my guard, eventually springing its trap on me by inducing a heart attack...
Kenji would be proud to know I'm considering betrayal from my own dorm room. Time to go.


As I arrive at the track field, I begin to hear the unmistakable spring-like sound of Emi's proshtetics. So she's here after all. The prospect of surprising my cheery running partner makes me go a little faster.

The sight of her running is something to behold, as always. That's what an electron caught in a circular particle accelerator must look like :
a blur relentlessly dashing forward without any signs of fatigue. When she finally sees me and slows down, she's hardly out of breath.

"Hisao? What are you doing here?" she asks, perplexed. I have to say I'm a little disappointed by her reaction.
Not that I was expecting her to be overjoyed by my sight, but, well, er...ah, at least I got her curious.
"I was thinking about giving the morning runs another shot, so uh, here I am!"
She gives me a strange look for a few seconds, but then smiles widely.
"Oh, I see," She winks.

What was that? Before I can mouth anything else she's back on the track. Not really wanting to stand here like an idiot, I follow her.

The first lap isn't so bad. It's hard, and my pace is nowhere near as fast as Emi's, but that's to be expected. I at least manage to sustain the pace the whole time, while keeping my breath steady.

The second lap is...challenging.

The third is way harder. My breath becomes ragged and painful, and I feel exhausted already. This is infuriating. I used to play soccer, dammit. I used to run after a damn ball for ninety minutes, and now three laps make me feel like I just ran a marathon.
I've fallen so low. But I'm better than this. I can do another lap. I can, because I have the will to do so. I'm already midway through. I can even speed up a bit. I won't let my condition get the better of me. I can't...
I can't feel my legs. I reflexively reach for my chest.
Strange, it feels... normal. I stumble. My vision begins to blur.
Somewhere, someone yells my name. I want to tell them I'm okay, but everything goes black the instant I open my mouth.

...

I wake in a unkown bed to the sight of grey tiles on the ceiling and the faint smell of sanitizer and... coffee.

Nurse's Office?

That would make sense.

I feel dizzy. A look at the mural clock reveals that it's...that late already? What on earth happened?

"Nurse, I think he's awake." I recognize Emi's voice.

I hear footsteps, and gather enough strength to look where they're coming from.

Nurse is walking towards me. The stern expression on his face turns into his trademark grin when he sees I'm looking at him.

"Good morning, Nakai. Couldn't stay out of trouble for long, could you?" He beams at me.
"W-what happened?" I mutter as I sit up. I keep wondering how he can be so jolly all the time.
His face closes as he begins to speak again. Nevermind. "Well, you see, Nakai..."

Sweat begins to form and trickle down my forehead. Oh no. I know where this is going. No, no, no, no, no, please no.
"...you had..." Here we go. How long this time, doctor? Six months? More? Just as I rebuilt a life, my heart comes down to destroy it again. Shit.
He's throwing glances at Emi. Maybe he wants her to say it. She must have been here the whole time. She knows.

"Oh quit it Nurse! This isn't funny anymore! You'll be giving poor Hisao a heart attack for real!" She bursts out.
What?

Emi looks at me angrily.
"And you! You had hypoglycemia, you dummy! That's why you fainted on the track! When was your last meal?"
"Y-yesterday at noon," I babble. Hypoglycemia? Does-
"What?! What did you eat, a single rice grain? What have you been eating lately?"
"I-I haven't really paid attention." How did this turn into an interrogation about my diet?
"You hav- Well that just great! So you show up in my track field this morning thinking 'Let's go run some laps with Emi, I haven't eaten all day or done sports in over a month, and I'm not sure what I've been eating all this time, but that sure sounds like a mighty good idea anyway' is that it?!"

I look down, embarrassed. That's pretty much it actually. I throw desperate glances at Nurse, but he seems more interested in sorting some papers at his desk. Figures.

But...Hypoglycemia?
"So...I didn't have a heart attack after all?"
Nurse perks up a moment... only to gaze firmly back at his papers as Emi rolls her eyes.
"You're lucky you didn't. And you're lucky I was here, too. What would have happened if I hadn't? I'm sure you would've tried to run these laps either way. What would've happened then?"
She's calmed down a bit, though she's still visibly angry at me.
Knowing my heart hasn't tried to kill me is a huge relief, though. I'd actually be happy, if not for the uncomfortable silence hanging in the air : Nurse is waiting for Emi to settle down, Emi is waiting for me to speak up so she can finish venting her anger, and I'm caught in the middle.
My only option is to gaze blankly at the door, hoping something, anything, will come in to provide some sort of distraction and put an end to this madness.

Was that door always ajar?
Doors don't open themselves.
Half a face discreetly pops up. Its single purple eye scans the office thoroughly, and locks on me.

No way.

The door opens fully, revealing a very upset and lightly shaking Hanako.
The picture I had this morning flashes back in my mind, along a gush of shame. I really should have thought this morning run business through. I'm such an idiot.

She bolts toward me at full speed. Nurse's eyes widen in horror. His mouth opens to stop her. Too late. His warning echoes from the depths of my mind.
'...don't overexert yourself, and most of all...' She's mere feet away and hasn't slowed down. The fear surges back. Emi's face goes from scarlet to white.
'...don't get hit in the chest.'
Hanako stops dead in her track inches away, using the momentum to throw herself beside me. Only then does she embrace me, still shaking.

Whoa.

"Hisao!" she cries out. "I-I...I...", she pauses, trying to force her words out.
"Iwaitedforyouthismorningbutyouwouldn'tcome...so-soIthought...you w-were asleep and went to class...b-butyoudidn'tshowup a-and I was worried...I was worried..." Her voice trails off.
I pat her back reassuringly, press her tighter against me.
"I'm okay, Hanako. I'm really okay. I'm sorry," I whisper in her ear, cursing myself for not coming up with less generic soothing words.

That still seems to calm her somewhat.

"W-what happened?" her voice is barely audible.
"Nakai suffered from Hypoglycemia while he ran on the track with Emi this morning. He'll be fine. Hello, Ikezawa. Long time no see."
She freezes, tenses up, seeming to notice only now that we're not alone.
"H-hello," she mumbles, clearly not willing to let go of me.

I feel ashamed and dumb.

"Hey, Hanako, can I talk to you for a minute?" Emi asks with an affable smile.
Wait. I don't like this smile. She wanted to use my head as a trophy moments ago, and now she wants to 'talk' with my girlfriend? That doesn't sound right. At all.

You're trying to meddle, aren't you Emi?

"W-why?" Hanako asks timidly.
"Just have a few things to say to you, no big deal," she replies, friendly as ever.
Hanako eyes me, indecisive.

If I look like I have anything against it, Emi will blow up again, and I've seen what that looks like. All I can do is silently beg Hanako not to go. With my eyes.
"A-alright."
...That didn't come across as intended. She reluctantly releases her embrace and meekly follows Emi through the door.
The noise the door makes when it closes sounds like defeat.


"Soo, Nakai..." Nurse begins "I see you're doing pretty well in the relationship department. It's not enough you get Little Miss Sunshy, you have to get the Queen of the Track too, eh?" he winks.
"I-I'm sorry?"
"Kidding," he grins. "...But I'm glad Ikezawa found herself a boyfriend. She could use the type of confidence boost that a durable and healthy relationship brings," he stares at me as he says that.

There's really no need.

"And, oh, I almost forgot : I'd appreciate if you'd give me news of her when I see you, what with you being close and all. I need to know how everyone's doing, and Ikezawa isn't particularly talkative...or easy to catch."
I raise an eyebrow. "The spymaster needs a new agent?"

I could have used that lyricism when Hanako was in my arms.

"Heh, I suppose you can put it that way," Nurse smirks.
"Anyway, I also appreciate your initiative on physical activities. I had almost lost hope in you, Nakai. Good to see you've realized the importance of your health after all."
Well, if I'm honest, it's only because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did nothing to improve it while starting a relationship with Hanako.
"If that's how you roll, no problems!" he booms. Did I say that out loud?
"So, can I hope you'll keep doing these runs despite this little...incident?"
"Ah, about that..."
"There won't be any consequences," he interrupts. "I just had to juice you up with a little dextrose injection. And you'll have your excuse for missing the morning classes. But Emi was right, you got lucky. So, can I hope you'll be a little more careful in the future? And that you'll keep running with Emi? She likes having a partner you know, even though she'll problably never admit it."
"Of course."
"Wonderful!"
"Who will never admit what?" asks the 'Queen of the Track', who just silently came back in the room along with 'Little Miss Sunshy'.
Nurse forges ahead, unfazed and still grinning : "My mother. She'll never admit that she makes the best teriyaki sauce in the world."

Emi glares at him for a few seconds before turning to me.

"Hey, Hisao. I've had a little chat with Hanako, and I'm going to make you an offer you cannot refuse," she beams, all smile.

Oh I've heard that before. Now is the time for her to deal the final blow, to spring her devious trap around me.

"Hanako agreed to cook your lunch every day, but in return, you'll have to run with me every morning, and be serious about it!"
...That doesn't sound bad at all, although :
"Will that be alright Hanako? If that means you have to spend more time cooking every day..."
"It...w-won't make any difference, really," she replies with a humble smile. "...I'm used to cooking for two."
"...Alright then. But I won't run on sunday mornings."
"Why not?" ask the girls in unison.

'The girls'? Now that I think about it, Emi has been treating Hanako with her usual friendly attitude, something I know Hanako is secretly grateful for, and more comfortable with as of late. Am I witnessing the beginning of a new frienship? That's sweet.

"I...kinda thought I could use that time with um...Hanako," I confess, blushing a little.
Hanako's cheeks turn scarlet, something she promptly hides behind her bangs. Emi, on the other hand, is having trouble stifling her laugh.
"Ookay," she chuckles, "I won't argue with that. But I expect you to take them morning run even more seriously!"
"Fine,"...whatever 'taking them more seriously' means. That went much better than I expected.

"Great! Now that's out of the way, I gotta run. I missed enough classes already, teacher'll probably blow up if I skip more!" And she's off.

I think I owe Emi an apology. I really misjudged her. She basically saved my live, and me passing out must have scared the hell out of her. And just like that she befriends Hanako and uses her as an incentive for me not to give up. That's calculated, sure, but that shows she cares a good deal.
"See you at lunch you two! Bye Nurse!" she shouts from the hallway.

"'See you at lunch?'" I ask to thin air.
"Emi invited us to share our meal at the rooftop," Hanako explains, a little uncomfortable. "...If you don't want to..."
"Oh okay. No, that's fine."
Nurse clears his throat loudly.
"Not that I'm not delighted by your presence, but if you kids don't have any other business with me, I'd rather you go back to class."

We mutter an apology and a goodbye, and scurry off outside.


After a quick stop at the dorm to let me change and have a quick shower, we walk on the path back to the main building. I feel refreshed by the shower, invigorated by Nurse's dextrose shot, and cheered up by the presence of my lovely girlfriend beside me. On top of that, she just told me that the two hours of history class we were due are cancelled as the teacher is absent. Meaning we have two hours of free time before lunch break.

This day is getting better by the minute, despite the...eventful start.
"...and I thought...we could spend some time in the library, in a beanbag..." she continues.
"Mmh, sounds good. I'm down with it!"
She flashes a smile and falls silent. The park between the dorms and the main building is utterly quiet at this time, the silence only being disturbed by the occasional bird and the rustle of the leaves.

Now is as good a time as any to sort out this morning's situation, so I speak up.

"Listen, Hanako...I'm really sorry."
She gives me a worried look. "A-about what?"
"This morning." I clarify, "I...I've been dumb. I should have told you about these runs. And I probably should have eaten something, too. It was selfish of me to..."
I'm interrupted by the feeling of her hand grabbing my waist and her head nuzzling mine. She smiles kindly at me.
"You've never been selfish, Hisao. Emi told me...the reason you were running this morning was...because of me?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't..." her eyes quiet me.
They are glistering in joy, and the rest of her face is glowing with the same happiness, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
"Then, I'm happy. I forgive you," and with that, she hugs me. She seems to love these cuddles, not that I'd ever complaint about that. The scent of her hair, the feeling of her face against mine, the soft pressure of her breasts against my chest, this is my heaven. I feel the need to thank her in the nicest way I can think of.
I press my lips against hers. Her mouth opens up, quickly accepting and returning the favor. We entwine our tongues, play with them a little, peck our lips, savoring the moment fully.

Then it ends. We stay in each other's arms for a few more minutes, looking in each other's eyes, standing absolutely still, lest we break this fragile pause in time. The image of her face, radiant with happiness, with this earnest smile I love so much, becomes engraved in my memory.

We finally break the embrace entirely, and head to the library, through the peaceful gardens and the deserted hallways, barely disrupting the echoes of the other students with our footsteps.


The library is the citadel of quietude it's always been. So quiet, in fact, that we find Yuuko taking an improvised nap on her chair. We decide against waking her up, opting instead to look for a novel neither of us has read. I leave the choice to Hanako, and go claim one of the beanbags in the back.
She returns soon enough, with a rather thin book.

Dune Messiah

Ah, I haven't read that one. I actually finished Dune on Hanako's birthday, and associated some memories of the book with...memories of her. Since I needed to change my mind at the time, I gave up on reading the rest of it. Now though, I don't see any reason not to give it a try.
"I...I know you've read most of the science-fiction section, but since I've read most of the other novels..." she begins, noticing my staring.
"It's okay, I haven't read that one," I reply. "Good pick."
She smiles lightly at the praise, and falls in my beanbag, leaning on my chest with a satisfied sigh. One of my hands comes to rest on her belly, the other holding the book. She begins to flip the pages, idly putting her other hand on mine.

We quickly become immersed in the vast picture of Herbert's universe. We are intrigued by the artful plots of its different powers, confused by humanity of every characters, constantly refusing to fit in the usual "good" and "evil" frames. We are saddened by the fate of Muad'dib, whose sole option to prevent the exctinction of humanity was to commit wholesale genocide, and live with the consequences. We are intrigued by the face-danser Scytale, commissioned to kill Muad'dib but oddly reluctant in doing so.
Reading through the book, however, proves to be as tiresome as it is interesting, and we eventually put it down.
"How much time until lunch break?" she asks. Her voice is quiet, at peace.
I take a look at the clock. "Ten minutes."
She lets out a wistful sigh. I embrace her gently, burying my head in her hair. It smells of apples.
"Hanako?"
"Hmm?"
"That was nice."
She smiles and nod.


The bell rings, shattering for a moment the ambiant stillness. We leave the library, passing before a still-asleep Yuuko. Fortunately for us, most students seem to still be in class as we make our way through the corridors, and no one is here to collar the fresh new couple.

Emi and Rin are already in the rooftop when we get there, however. Emi's busy unpacking her lunchboxes, and Rin is busy...spacing out in front of the fence.
"Ah, you two are here! Good timing!" Emi beams. "C'me here Rin, our guests are there!"
"I did not know we had gues-" Rin begins in her usual monotone, freezing as she sees us. She stares at us in what looks like a state of shock, which leave the rest of us confused.

"Rin, is something wrong?" Emi asks after a while.
"No, it's right."
"Uh?"
"These two," she states, still staring. "They're right."

"Uhmmm..."

Rin frowns, understanding the point hasn't come accross. She fidgets around, then says :
"They're a good pair. Like us."
"Ah..."
"One has scars outside, the other has scars inside." She nods to herself. "They're a good pair."
...
...
"Thanks?" I venture, breaking the awkward silence.
"...W-we should eat our lunch," suggests Hanako, visibly confused and uncomfortable.
Rin nods.
"Yes. We shouldn't neglect our duty as hosts. It would be the un-gentlemanly thing to do."
We all sit on one of the benches. Hanako produces two lunch boxes from her bag, and hands one to me. Rin and Emi are already digging in their meal, one with her trademark absentmindedness, the other with the voracity of a tiger. A pack of tigers.
The lunch box contains a fair portion pastas and chicken, all being covered in a deep-brown sauce I don't recognize. I notice Hanako is glancing at me expectantly.
Well, here goes. I gather a fair share of pastas with a bit of chicken, and bring it to my mouth.

It tastes good. Strange, but good. I never tasted anything like it. It's kind of... fruity, rich, a little spicy, but not acid...

"H-how is it?" she probes nervously.
"Good ! really good!" I cheer.
"Lemme have a bite!" goes Emi, stabbing her chops in my lunchbox and devouring the spoils.

"Whoa, tastes great!" she compliments. "How'd you make that sauce?"
Hanako fidgets around, flustered by the praise.
"I-it's just onions and some green chilly pepper sauce w-with balsamic cream."
"'Balsamic cream'?"
"Y-yeah, they sell it in a spice shop, in the city. Sometimes I go buy stuff here, w-with Lilly."
"Ooh, you're the one who stocks all these weird sauce bottles and spices in the dorm's kitchen shelves! I wondered who that was."
"Y-yeah."
"Hey, could you teach me how to cook these? It's really tasty!" Emi asks.
"Sure," Hanako utters, her cheeks a little rosy. That's no small praise, coming from Emi. I still remember her boxed lunch tasted fantastic. If she thinks Hanako has something to teach her...Wow.
"Great ! Looking forward to it!"

Silence falls as we resume eating the content of our boxes. We barely have time to finish it before the bell rings.
Emi bolts out as soon as it does, bidding us goodbye. Rin follows wordlessly, at her usual arrythmic pace. She gives us one last look, nods, and goes down the stairs. We depart shortly after.


We're late, and find the hallways as empty as they were when we left the library. I'm beginning to think we're doing this solely to avoid dealing with the gossips about our...display of affection. Well at least it worked. So far.

We step inside the classroom and apologize for being late. Sixteen pair of eyes stare at us, often with the associated smirk. Hanako's grip on my hand tightens momentarily, then releases as she quietly moves to take her seat. I head over to Mutou, handing him Nurse's note. Most of the eyes are gazing at me.

At least now I can safely say that I know my girlfriend somewhat better. I now know how it feels to be stared at intently for a long time and for dubious reasons.

It's horrible.

Thankfully, Mutou resumes his lesson as soon as he's read the note, effectively diverting the gazes to the blackboard. I jump on the occasion to move to my desk and begin to copy it down, something about wave physics.
I take great care not to move my eyes away from the board, or my sheet.

At half and hour into the class, a piece of paper lands on my table.

[ Congratulations Hicchan! ]

I look over to Misha. She's grinning widely, both hands forming thumbs up. Word sure travels fast here. Then again, we weren't exactly subtle yesterday.

[ Thanks. ]

[ Shicchan says : You two took your time. I agree, what took you so long? ]

Prying a little, are we?

[ There was a miscommunication. We got better. ]

Misha frowns as she get my answer.

[ What happened? ]

[ That's between Hanako and me. Don't worry, we're happy now! ]

[ Come on Hicchan, tell meee~! ]

I'm afraid I can't do that, Misha.

[ Do you know Maxwell's four equations? ]

[ No, why? ]

[ Because Mutou has written them on the blackboard, and is making a point of telling us they're important. ]

She stifles a yelp as she reads the message, and hurriedly copies the content of the board. I probably shouldn't smile at her expense, but it's already happening.

I spend the rest of the afternoon class actually listening to Mutou's lesson on electromagnetic waves, as it is proving both interesting and rather complicated.

...

Ten seconds, and the bell will ring.

Ten seconds, and the gossiping furies will be unleashed.

The only option is to slip out as quickly and silently as possible, before they can corner us.

Three seconds now. I'm halfway out of my seat. I risk a glance at Hanako. She's caught my eyes, and nods discreetly.

The bell rings. I jump out of my seat, stride to the door, grasp Hanako's hand and head out. This hardly made any more sound than a gust of wind. I'm impressed with myself.
I let her take the lead. She knows her way around the school better, and she's much more accustomed to moving in stealth than I am. I manage to mimic her pace, quick enough to progress swiftly through the corridors and slow enough to remain inconspicuous. I'd wonder whether having that sort of skills is a good thing, but now they're coming in handy.
We emerge through a fire escape in a deserted area, and return to the main path to the dorms. Which is not nearly deserted enough. We only get the occasional stares and giggles, but it's enough to feel like my skin is turning to stone. Our grip on each other's hand tightens. It feels we're clinging to each other for dear life.


The tension only goes away once in Hanako's room. We both let out a relieved sigh.
"M-maybe we should have been m-more careful yesterday," she mutters.
"Nah. The whole school was going to find out eventually. Better now than later."
She nods, and picks up the chess board.
"Want to play?"
"Sure." Chess should prove a nice distraction. I move over to her bed and help her place the pieces on the board.
Let the battle commence!

...

I yield. My defensive play has been overwhelmed by a constant series of hit and run moves, and my depleted forces couldn't match her final assault. She's getting really good at this. I ask for a rematch. I crave revenge.

...

Dammit, beaten again. Chess is a lost cause today. I stretch my back. My stomach loudly indicates it is now craving something else than revenge entirely. Hanako's eyes widden.
"Ah, sorry, I should go make dinner."
"I'll help you with that," I offer as I stand up. She pauses for a few seconds, looking at me intently, then smiles.
"Okay, I'll show you where the kitchen is."

The 'kitchen' of the girls dorm is barely more than a cramped room with set of shelves and drawers, a sink, a tiny fridge, two stoves and a small oven.
We busy ourselves preparing dinner. I begin hacking some vegetables, keeping an eye on the rice boiling in a pot, while Hanako mixes a sauce. I'm halfway through a particularly vicious bell-pepper, which is consistently managing to avoid the knife, when I hear someone walking over.
"Hey, smells good in here, who..." a face pops out of the doorway.
"...Waha! If it isn't the couple of the day! You're cooking together? That's so cute!"
"H-hi."
"Hello Miki." I try to look and sound as busy as I can, but I have the feeling nothing short of a damn essay on our relationship will silence the upcoming flood of questions.
"Hey. What's smelling so good?"
"Hanako's sauce."
"D-dill and cream." she explains.
"Sounds tasty." She settles on the doorway, and gives me a strange look.

Here it comes.

"Heh, you two sure took your sweet time to confess."
"Yes, well now we're together. And that's what matters, right?"
"Yeah. I remember way back, Hisao, when you were on the grass next to the track field and-"
"Here have some bell-pepper. It is delicious," I interrupt, shoving a slice of the now-cut vegetable into her mouth.
I silently mouth 'you promised', glaring at her and slicing an onion in half for added effect.
She chews thoroughly, eyes fixed on the cleanly-cut bulb.
"Yeah..." she swallows. "I just remembered, I have a club meeting this evening. Have fun you two."
"Goodbye Miki." That still doesn't feel like a clear victory. She'll get back on me. But at least it's a respite.
"B-bye."

Hanoko sighs.
"They won't stop asking questions," she utters dejectedly.
"Hey, Hanako." I take her hand and kiss her cheek, looking at her in the eyes.
"Totally worth it."
"Right," she blushes.

We go back to her room and eat dinner there, in our usual silence. Hanako's room seems to be the only place where we can find some peace, along with the library.
...Doesn't matter. The meal's tasty, fresh and filling. With the sense of accomplishment and pride of having cooked your own food, and Hanako's company, it makes for a very pleasant experience.
"That was good," I say, putting the plate down. "I could get used to doing that."
"Me too," she replies with a smile.
"It'll be curfew soon. I should be going."
"...Okay..."

It's only when I leave that I notice the piles of manuals sitting on her desk. Since both of us could use some studying, I offer to do that with her every evening.
"Okay," she smiles shyly. "Good night Hisao..."
She lets out a small gasp as I take her in my arms and kiss her.
The look of surprise on her face quickly fades to that earnest smile of hers.
"Didn't think we'd part way without a good night kiss, did you?"
She shakes her head.
"O-of course not."
"Good night, Hanako."
I wave her goodbye as I leave her in front of her room, her smile lingering on her face.

I sleep well that night.


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Changelog

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 4:30 am
by Ascended Flutist
This post served no purpose, so I'm turning it into a changelog so you guys can not freak out at the number of times I edit my damn chapters. Bear in mind I'm beginning this the 23/06, and posts had already been altered many times at that point.

Changes made :
From 11/04 to 23/06
All Chapters (1,2 & 3) : Various and numerous editing to format and updating Table of Content, correcting typos, correcting general prose issues.
Chapter 2 : Introduced Enhanced Edition to address boredom issues by the end of the chapter, and small little additions, courtesy of Daitengu and Mirage_GSM.
Chapter 3 : Introduced a small extra scene to the smut, courtesy of Brogurt.
23/06
All Chapters : Edited Table of content, introduced Changelog and 'Go to next post' and 'Go to top of the post' functionnalities.
Chapter 4 : added.
24/06
Chapter 4 : Corrected typo, added 'go to next post' link.
Chapter 3 : Corrected typo.
25/06
Chapter 2 : Corrected some grammar and formatting errors, edit to the latest part of the chapter, so slight nobody will notice.
Chapter 3 & 4 : Corrected formatting issue that added extra ' " ' although the character wasn't done talking, which led to confusion as to who the sentence(s) belonged to.
26/06 (Yes, I know, but I find mistakes every single day)
Chapter 4 : Same as above, a couple of ' " ' went under the radar.
30/06
Chapter 4 : Modified several sequences that felt a bit lackluster according to feedback. The original passages can still be found over there.
01/07
Chapter 2 : Edited the second waking up scene and some other things because I felt like it.
03/07
Chapter 1 : Edited a passage that was too sappy for its own good.
04/07
Chapter 3 : Corrected a few typos here and there.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 7:08 am
by Hacksorus
Ascended Flutist wrote:The lack of comment is somewhat distressing. Surely it isn't that dull.

is it ? :(
Hey, I enjoyed it. I really hope you continue with this.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 7:26 am
by Daitengu
I liked it. The downs helped the ups feel higher. Good stories have both ups and downs. Just one or the other makes for a boring or depressing story. There's a few fanfic writers that could do better to keep that in mind.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:43 am
by BlackRockHanako
I'm enjoying this, it's cute - look forward to seeing more.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 9:23 am
by Mirage_GSM
I actually seem to have missed this update...
It's nice, but the last third or so drags a bit too long without much happening.
Do you have any plot for this other than simply a slice of life story?

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:00 am
by Ascended Flutist
Mirage_GSM wrote:I actually seem to have missed this update...
It's nice, but the last third or so drags a bit too long without much happening.
Do you have any plot for this other than simply a slice of life story?

Yes. I felt it dragged on a little at the end. I tried to keep it short, but obviously that failed.

My prime obejctive for this chapter was to set up what an average day for Hisao and Hanako would look like, and then spice it up a various points, because
Daitengu wrote:Good stories have both ups and downs. Just one or the other makes for a boring or depressing story.

The main risk was that it would feel too long or dull. Apparently it's a little of both. I can't help much with the dull side, since I can't go Mendācium with the story. (explainatory texts says it's gonna be light-hearted)

I do have a question : Did you feel it was dragged more because of the overly verbose/detailled narration, or because of the lack of interest of the events themselves ?

Because my main conclusion when I reread my texts is that the narration tends to feel blocky, that it isn't fluid enough. That tires the reader, and of course at some point they just want it to end.

If others feel like that, please point out the more cumbersome passages so I can try and trim the fat. If you have suggestion, they are more than welcome. That's true for both chapters.

As for the plot : Yes, self-contained stories with ties to one another but hardly any overarching plot.

And thanks for the support !

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:29 am
by Mirage_GSM
I don't think the narration is any more or less "blocky" in the end than in the beginning, so it's really the plot in this case.
It's not even very much - mostly the part after the conversation with Misha.
We go to the dorms, we play chess, we cook, eat and say good night.
Nothing interesting happening there at all, not even any noteworthy dialogue. It feels like filler, and from what you've told me it basically is.

I know this is a difficult problem. In the story I'm currently writing (I'm using the word "currently" very loosely here.) I know exactly how it is supposed to end, but I have two or three more days to cover until events can start happening, and I don't know how to make the scenes I need to set up those events interesting enough.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:48 am
by Daitengu
Ascended Flutist wrote: I do have a question : Did you feel it was dragged more because of the overly verbose/detailled narration, or because of the lack of interest of the events themselves ?

Because my main conclusion when I reread my texts is that the narration tends to feel blocky, that it isn't fluid enough. That tires the reader, and of course at some point they just want it to end.

If others feel like that, please point out the more cumbersome passages so I can try and trim the fat. If you have suggestion, they are more than welcome. That's true for both chapters.

As for the plot : Yes, self-contained stories with ties to one another but hardly any overarching plot.

And thanks for the support !
I thought the story was fine personally. But I understand that the average reader doesn't like day to day stuff.

I don't think long or short is the issue as much as there was long spans where the characters were indexed into events near the end with little emotion content expressed in the words. Atleast for the average person. I thought the sense of normalcy presented near the end was a break from drama. The only thing I think that could give more emotional content and break up the latter bit a little is for the two to be a bit more nervous about being a couple in public. Cooking in the dorm kitchen provides opportunity for that with a random student popping in and them over reacting, since they and teens in general tend to do that. Especially since it's Hisao and Hanako's first relationship. If there's just a really bad spot, you can just throw in some Kenji ranting for break up the 'everydayness'.

Blocky is definitely how you write. You tend to not segue events as much as write an event, cut it with a couple spaces, then write another event. It kind of give a series of short stories thrown together in chronological order feel. To be fair the game tended to do that too on a couple arcs. More transition between events would fix it, though your story will be longer. If longer gives it better flow, I recommend longer. Better than flowing like lego blocks.

For example, if you add a bit more emotional edge to Hisao counting down the seconds to avoid Misha and Shizune, then express the haste of departing class all the way to Hanako's room. It'd transition better to the chess scene. There's a couple different ways of doing even a Misha/Shizune confrontation, but you could save that for a different day.

Another example would be to add in a sentence about packing up the game, then walking down the hall to the kitchen. Since it's the dorm you could spice up the transition from chess game to kitchen easily by throwing in another character or characters in the hall. Misha and Shizune teasing them could do it.

In Hanako's Route Lilly ended up being the segue alot, in your story you could use Emi similarly for lunch.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 11:40 am
by Ascended Flutist
Well damn, I asked for feedback and advices, and I get just that. Capital !

I'll get a second draft done. And to Live in Peace : Enhanced Edition comin' up !

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:12 pm
by Brogurt
Because Mutou has written [Maxwell's equations] on the blackboard, and is making a point of telling us they're important.
I guess they might be important to recognize in a historical sense, since they did help scientists understand light, but I can't think of many high school students who can actually do line integrals or partial derivatives. Therefore, it seems strange to me that Mutou would insist that writing them out is important.

Anyway, when you update a post, it doesn't get bumped and the new message notification doesn't show up on the level above. Making a post saying that "hey guys I updated" is ultimately the best way to let people know that you, in fact, updated.

And I also found things to be dragging along near the end. I guess that might be because I've already read about Hanako making lunch every morning for Hisao and having lunch on the roof with him, Emi, and Rin. When something isn't particularly new, it's hard for me to get invested.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 4:28 pm
by Ascended Flutist
Brogurt wrote: I guess they might be important to recognize in a historical sense, since they did help scientists understand light, but I can't think of many high school students who can actually do line integrals or partial derivatives. Therefore, it seems strange to me that Mutou would insist that writing them out is important.
Well, since Japanese high schooler do matrixes, It's not that much of a stretch to see them doing some fancy physics. If they can do problems involving matrixes, they sure as hell can do punny partial derivatives, or line integrals. You don't even need line integrals to re-find the d'Alembert equation for E and B. And electromagnetic wave physics can be easy. So long as it only involves d'Alembert operator, it can only get so hard in what problems you can throw at them. Even easier when you only consider plane waves.

That and Mutou being Mutou.
Brogurt wrote:Anyway, when you update a post, it doesn't get bumped and the new message notification doesn't show up on the level above. Making a post saying that "hey guys I updated" is ultimately the best way to let people know that you, in fact, updated.
I realize that, but I thought that editing the title would have been enough.
Brogurt wrote:And I also found things to be dragging along near the end. I guess that might be because I've already read about Hanako making lunch every morning for Hisao and having lunch on the roof with him, Emi, and Rin. When something isn't particularly new, it's hard for me to get invested.
That seem to be the issue for many readers. I'm working on it.

Errr, to clarify do you mean in my fics or in others ?

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 6:55 pm
by nemz
Eh, it's not bad at all, it just isn't anything interesting. Sure Hisao and Hanako are having a grand old time but I'm left wondering when something is going to happen. Now don't get me wrong, slice-of-life is perfectly fine, but I wish the individual scenes had a bit more punch to them. Something needs to actually happen in each scene to move the plot forward or to flesh out the world and characters.

For example, the library scene doesn't add anything at all other than telling us about a book in which things DO happen, which in turn highlights just how little is going on here. Maybe if the book sparked some thoughts relevant to the characters, maybe started a discussion that leads into something that actually matters to the story, or just works as foreshadowing... it needs to do something to justify making us read about it.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:05 pm
by Oddball
So far I'm liking it. You do a god job with the mood of the story. There are times I can almost hear the background music playing.

Still, I'm kinda waiting for something to actually happen. I can see a few spots where it seems you might have set up conflict, but so so far it feels like you're just setting the mood.

Re: And to Live in Peace -Post Hanako's Good End- (Ch2 up)

Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:18 am
by Ascended Flutist
Present Pieces is now updated to the Enhanced Edition (I'm totally not ripping this off), with more meaningful scenes, abridged mundane scenes and better segues from one scene to another. Thanks everyone who bothered to post feedback/praises, and special thanks to Mirage_GSM and Daitengu for their extra advices and ideas.
Oddball wrote:So far I'm liking it. You do a god job with the mood of the story. There are times I can almost hear the background music playing.


Good to see I'm at least doing some things right.
Oddball wrote:Still, I'm kinda waiting for something to actually happen. I can see a few spots where it seems you might have set up conflict, but so so far it feels like you're just setting the mood.
nemz wrote:Eh, it's not bad at all, it just isn't anything interesting. Sure Hisao and Hanako are having a grand old time but I'm left wondering when something is going to happen. Now don't get me wrong, slice-of-life is perfectly fine, but I wish the individual scenes had a bit more punch to them. Something needs to actually happen in each scene to move the plot forward or to flesh out the world and characters.

For example, the library scene doesn't add anything at all other than telling us about a book in which things DO happen, which in turn highlights just how little is going on here. Maybe if the book sparked some thoughts relevant to the characters, maybe started a discussion that leads into something that actually matters to the story, or just works as foreshadowing... it needs to do something to justify making us read about it.
The purpose of this chapter was effectively to set the mood. Stuff'll happen in the next one. This one basically provide me a few potential conflicts that I can develop later on.

What I wanted to do with Chapter 1 and 2 was to provide continuity with the Good End, set up potential conflicts, then work from here. The good end feels like an ultimate happy ending, with many of the core issues of the route being resolved quickly. The first chapter was basically gliding off from that, and it was okay (I think) because it was rather short, and the end was satisfying (I think), because Hisao is shown working on improving his health and relationship with Hanako.

Now I knew from the start that Ch2 would be hard to pull off in an interesting way (and Lord Ur did that fail), because it was supposed to be mundane. It's supposed to be a template of a regular day in their lives post good end. It needed some spicing up so that the reader wouldn't fall asleep, and I feel the morning runs shenanigans were a good launching pad that would make the reader (you) swallow the subsequent sweeter scenes (garden & library) more easily.

Feedback indicated that the afternoon part was uninteresting, which, I think, stemmed from the fact than neither the lunch scene nor the classroom scene acted as sufficient tension-builders. So you had a calm period, but no storms ahead or before to make you appreciate it. Hopefully that is now fixed.

I'd like to assure you that every single scene has a purpose, either as a potential conflict, a conflict resolution, or a further purpose for future chapters. The library scene will be used, don't worry.