What if X Visual Novel Company made KS?

[encrypted12345]

This will be a pretty scathing and exaggerated parody. Out of character moments, galore! I'll do my best not to accidentally make anything too serious. Not that I hate these companies or anything, but they couldn't have handled KS tastefully. This will be more random snippets of theoretical routes than anything else (because no one should have to fully type out something that horrific). I'll do more whenever I feel like it. NSFW.

Key Visual Arts (Makers of Planetarian, Kanon, Clannad, etc.)

Emi

Emi: Hisao! My leg infection developed into ... leg cancer!
Hisao: Oh no! Get treated! That's what a rational person would do.
Emi: But Hisao, I may never be able to run again! My father taught me how to run, and if I don't run, I lose my connection to him!
Hisao: It's not like he's dead or anything.
Emi: He is dead.
Hisao: Gasp! That was not foreshadowed at all. Like your cancer.
Emi: I'll rather die than lose my legs again!
Hisao: I'll love you even if you become a helpless legless person.
Nurse: We found a way to conveniently remove the leg cancer without removing what's left of your legs. You won't be forced to become a helpless legless person!
Hisao: Problem solved! Wanna have hardcore anal sex that is completely irrelevant to the plot when this is all over?
Emi: Oh joy!

Random ball of light flows into Hisao

Hanako

Hanako: I am in despair! My burn scars (which by the way, do nothing to affect my generic cuteness) have left me in despair! Unspecified dangerous substance time!
Hisao: NO!! I love you Hanako!
Hanako: But ... I'm so ...
Hisao: I'll save you from your despair, Hanako, by adoring you like the Moe character you are. I'll be your knight in shining armor and protect you from societal forces that a 18 year old like me probably can't realistically protect you from. If you want, I'll even marry you!
Hanako: Really?
Hisao: Really. Now let's have our poorly led up-to sex scene to commemorate our soon-to-happen shotgun marriage.

2nd random ball of light flows into Hisao

Kenji

Yuuko: Hisao! Kenji is screaming like a maniac because of his schizophrenia again. Please do something!
Hisao: Isn't he your ex-boyfriend?
Yuuko: I thought he was in love with you.
Hisao: Your yaoi goggles are just on too tight. I blushed a bit around him, and we had that MANLY PICNIC with the typical sex scene music, but there's nothing at all going at all between us. No homo.
Yuuko: What should I do then?
Hisao: Let's go talk to him together!

*Later*

Kenji: FEMINISTS!!!!
Yuuko: KENJI!!
Yuuko hugs Kenji with all her might, shedding with tears.
Kenji: GAAOOH!!
Light shines from Hisao's hand. Kenji returns to sanity.

Yuuko: Kenji?
Kenji: I am fine, my beloved Yuuko. All thanks to Hisao and his light.
Hisao: What the fuck are you talking about?!
Kenji: Because you unleashed the light of happiness that you gathered from helping hot babes in alternate time lines, a miracle was able to occur. If all your alternate selves gather all the lights by bringing happiness to everyone the person named Hisao can help, your canon route self will be able to succeed in obtaining and maintaining a relationship with the main heroine. Here is my light, Hisao.
Yuuko: ...
Hisao: Wait. Does that mean that I'm forever alone?
Kenji: No. I'll always be your bro.
Yuuko: ...

Author's note: ... What have I created? Ah well, it's a nice stress reliever for me. Comments are always welcome. Just don't take this fic seriously. I'll continue with the Key section later.

[Guest]

The Hanako scenario isnt that much different than what happens in the actual game, that I recall anyway.

[encrypted12345]

The Hanako scenario isnt that much different than what happens in the actual game, that I recall anyway.

Really? Then I feel like I have failed as a writer parodying KEY. I'll put more thought into it then.

[Mirage_GSM]

Heh, that made me laugh.
Can't wait for the TypeMoon and KID chapters

[alien.marksman]

Can't wait for the TypeMoon and KID chapters

Neither can I
A '7th Expansion' take on KS has me Fan Boy'ing hardcore though

[themocaw]

Can't wait for the TypeMoon and KID chapters

Neither can I
A '7th Expansion' take on KS has me Fan Boy'ing hardcore though

Hisao: "Is your disability the fact that your hands are flippers?"

Misha: "No, we all have that disability."

[encrypted12345]

Thanks for the responses. After I finish Key, I'll probably do Type-Moon. Or maybe Lilith-Soft if I feel like it. ... On second thought, even I'm not that sadistic.

Key Visual Arts Part Two

Lilly

Lilly: Have I ever apologized for my blindness even once?
Hisao: No, why?
Lilly: Because ... if I did, people would worry about me, and I would be a bother to them. My confident personality is just a facade! I know that I am completely useless as a human being because of my blindness. If I bothered anyone with my melodramatic angst about it, I'll couldn't even be considered the trash I already am! I would be ... MOSQUITO SHIT!!!
Player: .... What the fuck is with all this ridiculous melodramu shit!! I heard this is a god-tier visual novel, but this is such a half-assed route! The Kenji route was way more entertaining! The true route better be worth it! Control button time!

Several hours of abusing the control button later.

Hisao: HNNNNG!!!
Lilly: NO!!! HISAO!! I can't help you since I am blind and utterly useless! What should I do!
A long black limo enters the scene and a small Mafia group led by Akira surrounds Hisao.
Akira: Don't worry sister, we have you covered. Even if you yourself are useless, the connections you have with your family and friends are what give you meaning. Besides, it'll be silly if someone like you had any independence whatsoever. You can only obtain pride from the achievements that your family and friends have, not the achievements you have yourself!
Lilly: I understand everything now because Hisao got a heart attack randomly with no foreshadowing whatsoever in the middle of the street! I should be myself as the whiny, angsty bitch I am rather than pretend to be someone strong because others will pick up the slack for me! Thanks Hisao! This version of you is probably doomed to die for the sake of evoking emotion from the audience, but you are one step closer to achieving the true end of the true route!! In the off-case you do live because my route is not the true route and major deaths do usually occur only in the true route, we can have hot drunken sex!!

Ball of happiness energy flows into Hisao.

Shizune
Shizune: [I am truly sorry Hisao, but we can no longer be together]
Hisao: [Wait, why?]
Shizune: [It's because ... your grades have been slipping. You are only a B student while I am an A student. We have to break up.]
Hisao: [But why?! That doesn't make any sense at all!]
Shizune: [Did you forget that Japan is an Asian country?]
Hisao: [Oh, then that makes perfect sense. NOOOOO!!! Can the power of love do nothing at all?!]
Shizune: [Good bye.]

One year later, because Hisao was only a B-student, he couldn't enter an Asian university and was forced to work menial part time jobs. Currently, he is a convenience store cashier.

Hisao: [Shizune, what are you doing here?]
Shizune: [I have decided to throw away all prospects of a comfortable future for the sake of loving you. Now shut up and accept your bondage like a man!]

Ball of happiness energy flows into Hisao

Misha

Misha and Hisao; [WHAT!?!]
Shizune: [Do I have to repeat myself? I said that I was perfectly okay with your relationship even though I was the one who was Hisao's girlfriend first and this means that Hisao and you cheated behind my back. It's just means I lost to a lesbian. Ah well. You win some, you lose some. See ya.]
Hisao: ... Let's have sex?
Misha: Um... sure.

Due to their confused state, it took a while before Hisao was able to absorb Misha's light of happiness.


Nurse and Mutou

Nurse and Mutou: Anal
Hisao: Do I have to?
Nurse: If you want my ball of happiness, I'll have to nurse you.
Mutou: This is for science. You have to satisfy me if you want my ball of happiness.
Hisao: ... Give me the lube. I'll put it on myself.

2 balls of happiness energy flow into Hisao at the same time.

That was a bit more difficult to write than I thought. Ah well. Anyways, True route is next! Who could it be? Of course, the true heroine I picked is the true heroine for the purposes of this fan fiction, not because I am a die-hard Rin fan. That's just silly.

[Minister of Gloom]

But where's the route that reveals Misha was a werewolf all along? You can't have a Type-Moon game without that kind of shit. Also, since Lilly is Christian, she's actually a holy assassin, like all Christians.

[encrypted12345]

But where's the route that reveals Misha was a werewolf all along? You can't have a Type-Moon game without that kind of shit. Also, since Lilly is Christian, she's actually a holy assassin, like all Christians.

Right now, this is Key, I should have made that clearer. Still brainstorming of what I'm going to do for Type Moon.

[Daitengu]

But where's the route that reveals Misha was a werewolf all along? You can't have a Type-Moon game without that kind of shit. Also, since Lilly is Christian, she's actually a holy assassin, like all Christians.

Right now, this is Key, I should have made that clearer. Still brainstorming of what I'm going to do for Type Moon.

hmm. Type Moon huh

1. Someone 's gunna have to have sex so they don't die.
2. Bugs/tentacles...
3. Seemingly useless lead male with mystery power and white knight issues.
4. Evil adults possibly having to do with the bugs/tentacles...
5. One of the lead females will have to be preoccupied with obligation.
6. A Tsundere
7. Someone will have to have a brother complex too lol

[themocaw]

hmm. Type Moon huh

1. Someone 's gunna have to have sex so they don't die.
2. Bugs/tentacles...
3. Seemingly useless lead male with mystery power and white knight issues.
4. Evil adults possibly having to do with the bugs/tentacles...
5. One of the lead females will have to be preoccupied with obligation.
6. A Tsundere
7. Someone will have to have a brother complex too lol

Don't forget the rape. There's always rape in a Nasu story in some fashion.

[encrypted12345]

hmm. Type Moon huh

1. Someone 's gunna have to have sex so they don't die.
2. Bugs/tentacles...
3. Seemingly useless lead male with mystery power and white knight issues.
4. Evil adults possibly having to do with the bugs/tentacles...
5. One of the lead females will have to be preoccupied with obligation.
6. A Tsundere
7. Someone will have to have a brother complex too lol

Don't forget the rape. There's always rape in a Nasu story in some fashion.

Rape with mollusk metaphors.

Oh, and long and convoluted internal monologues as well as long and convoluted battle explanations. I found them somewhat charming, I guess, but it is fun to joke about them.

[Daitengu]

4. Evil adults possibly having to do with the bugs/tentacles...

Don't forget the rape. There's always rape in a Nasu story in some fashion.

I was lumping that under #4 lol

[Bi-Polar Hernandez]

The funny thing is, I was actually thinking of writing a story about (Clannad spoilers) Hanako having a similar death to Nagisa. I decided against it because I couldn't possibly do something like that.

[Roamin12]

Pretty funny haven't laughed like that in a while, even though some jokes and references flew over my head since I haven't read any VNs by those groups...