Katawa Shoujo Forums

I made a change to the second to last section, based on feedback: it's no longer about Saki's disability, but about the distance she and Hisao put between each other.

themocaw wrote:

Robnonymous wrote:

themocaw wrote:Looking back on this one, I am completely dissatisfied with it, but will keep it up as is.

I wouldn't sell yourself short, but I sort of agree in that it doesn't seem quite up to par with some (i.e. most) of your other stories. Then again, you've been writing a TON of them.

Well. Sometimes you get an idea in your head that won't go away until you write it down. They're not always good ideas, though.

I'm very familiar with that feeling. But don't get me wrong, this is a good story, it's just not quite as amazing (for me, anyway) as your others. I'm inclined to agree with the others saying that the 2400 word format just seems too short to do it proper justice. I'd also very much like to see a lengthier version in the future, if that ever happens.

Agreed, and it'd be nice for there to be a rewrite. There's not exactly any romance, and it doesn't make sense Hisao's calling her his girlfriend due to that. I know themowcaw is more than capable of writing up good fiction as evidenced by his "Weekend at Hisao's" fiction.

themocaw wrote:I made a change to the second to last section, based on feedback: it's no longer about Saki's disability, but about the distance she and Hisao put between each other.

Yeah, that was better. Good job.

I found this story really powerful. You made Saki seem like an intriguing and very realistic character, both in the story and in the headcanon you shared. I don't have any criticism that hasn't been said already, but I think if you want to expand this story and write more of Saki's path, it would be awesome. I want to see more of her.

So given the amount of people who want to see me expand on my take on Saki, it looks like my next big fanfic project will be a "Theoretical Saki Route" type thing.

I'll keep this thread up, but the eventual route may not specifically include these drabbles.

No pressure, really. As much as I love your take on Saki, it's nothing for everyone to beat you up about.

But since you mentioned it...

themocaw wrote:So given the amount of people who want to see me expand on my take on Saki, it looks like my next big fanfic project will be a "Theoretical Saki Route" type thing.

I'll keep this thread up, but the eventual route may not specifically include these drabbles.

Cool! It's nice to have fans who'll show you the way, eh? Least you'll never be bored!

Also, regarding the change: it's . . . abrupt. She says they should stop seeing one another, and he just accepts it? Just like that? Not a word in response? Yes yes, drabble and all, but still.

Bagheera wrote:

themocaw wrote:So given the amount of people who want to see me expand on my take on Saki, it looks like my next big fanfic project will be a "Theoretical Saki Route" type thing.

I'll keep this thread up, but the eventual route may not specifically include these drabbles.

Cool! It's nice to have fans who'll show you the way, eh? Least you'll never be bored!

Also, regarding the change: it's . . . abrupt. She says they should stop seeing one another, and he just accepts it? Just like that? Not a word in response? Yes yes, drabble and all, but still.

I imagine it comes at the culmination of a long period of time in which the two wind up drifting steadily apart until Hisao realizes that they're just going through the motions. . . and yeah. Drabbles and all.

Zombiedude101 wrote:Agreed, and it'd be nice for there to be a rewrite. There's not exactly any romance, and it doesn't make sense Hisao's calling her his girlfriend due to that.

Those are only pieces extrapolated from an imaginary Saki route. The romantic parts are just not shown, but it doesn't mean there was no romance between her and Hisao.

BTW, my thought that she may not be a virgin stems from knowing how she reacted to her diagnosis and the truth about her father: given the self-destructive period she lived, it's not far-fetched to think she may also have given her virginity away almost casually, back then.

Whenever you feel like taking a shot at a more elaborate story, I'll be here

Zoram wrote:

Zombiedude101 wrote:Agreed, and it'd be nice for there to be a rewrite. There's not exactly any romance, and it doesn't make sense Hisao's calling her his girlfriend due to that.

BTW, my thought that she may not be a virgin stems from knowing how she reacted to her diagnosis and the truth about her father: given the self-destructive period she lived, it's not far-fetched to think she may also have given her virginity away almost casually, back then.

I think that's a definite, but now my question is, how far I'd want to go with that. Are we talking just, "fool around with boys level," or "paid dating with middle aged businessmen" level? The latter feels more dramatic but crosses the line into melodrama territory.

Other thoughts: she needs a corresponding foil. Rika, maybe? I can see them playing off each other like Asuka and Rei, what TV Tropes would call the McCoy and Spock.

Supporting adult characters: a social worker or a detective, perhaps.

Her mother should probably make an appearance so that Hisao can hate her.

themocaw wrote:

Zoram wrote:BTW, my thought that she may not be a virgin stems from knowing how she reacted to her diagnosis and the truth about her father: given the self-destructive period she lived, it's not far-fetched to think she may also have given her virginity away almost casually, back then.

I think that's a definite, but now my question is, how far I'd want to go with that. Are we talking just, "fool around with boys level," or "paid dating with middle aged businessmen" level? The latter feels more dramatic but crosses the line into melodrama territory.

The former. I thought also of the latter as a possibility but, as you say, it would pile up too much drama. Being so careless to have had several casual relationships and one-night stands with boys (of her age or older) would be already enough for her to have a lot of regret later.
Actually, while writing this I had an idea that she may have almost done the latter but, when meeting said middle-aged businessman, she started to freak out (she had some sense left in her); also, the man noticed her motor difficulties and, realizing she was a "cripple", started insulting her [also those punks... I sense a pattern]. Result: Saki left enraged, not before having left a couple of the man's teeth on the ground, and also asking him to ponder about calling the police to arrest her - because he would have had to explain his wife how exactly he was injured

Using Rika would be cool Reading her description from AF joke, she would fit well in a Asuka-Rei dynamic with Saki. Also, since the girls in KS tend to be presented in pairs (Shizune-Misha, Emi-Rin, Lilly-Hanako), they would fit even better. I'd sugget to find something about her disability to be sure its effects are exactly the same as with Hisao (but a moment where they get a double HHHNNNGGG would be fun).
One thing to consider: Rika is explicitly stated to be in the second year at Yamaku, so she's one year younger than Hisao. Nothing is explicitly stated about Saki but I always thought of her as a second year student too, so she and Rika may be classmates (and it's the reason they got to know each other).

How would Saki's mother have re-entered her life? She didn't care about her daughter (or at least, not enough to not leave her to run away with her long-time lover), and I doubt she left something to be found, and that she knew about her daughter's illness. I think she was found after her ex-husband died, and she has now an obligation to pay for her daughter. However, would an apparition of her serve only to have her hated? Would she, deep down, have regrets, or would she be a heartless monster?

themocaw wrote:I think that's a definite, but now my question is, how far I'd want to go with that. Are we talking just, "fool around with boys level," or "paid dating with middle aged businessmen" level? The latter feels more dramatic but crosses the line into melodrama territory.

"Well, okay, if you really want to know, I snuck out to a rock show on my 15th birthday, got drunk, passed out, woke up on the subway next to a dude and some other dude who were both wearing t-shirts for the band so they must have been there too, threw up on myself, staggered to the one guy's house, took a shower while he threw up, had a three-way with him and his friend because why the hell not, me and the friend both jumped out the window and ran like hell when we heard the guy's parents at the front door, friend turned out to be a pretty cool guy and gave me his jacket because my shirt had puke all over it and was back on the other dude's bathroom floor anyway so we went for round two in a back alley, then I slept for a couple hours in a bus stop until the sun came up, made it home and slept until the sun went down, never saw either of the guys or the band again. But check it out: I've still got the jacket, it's nice and sturdy and it has all these cool patches sewn onto it. All things considered, best fucking night of my life so far."

Just because students are second years doesn't preclude them from being at least 18. Emi's 19 after all.

CNB wrote:"All things considered, best fucking night of my life so far."

O I C Wut U Did Thar!

themocaw wrote:I think that's a definite, but now my question is, how far I'd want to go with that. Are we talking just, "fool around with boys level," or "paid dating with middle aged businessmen" level? The latter feels more dramatic but crosses the line into melodrama territory.

Other thoughts: she needs a corresponding foil. Rika, maybe? I can see them playing off each other like Asuka and Rei, what TV Tropes would call the McCoy and Spock.

...

Her mother should probably make an appearance so that Hisao can hate her.

I think that the whole paid-businessman thing would be way too far. Way too much melodrama. Fooling around/one-night-stands would definitely be far enough - I think that her father dying of cancer/her mother leaving is just enough melodrama to work with in a serious fashion, if we start heaping more on top of that it just starts to get almost silly.

Rika would make a nice foil. Having a similar condition to Hisao already gives her common ground, stabilizes her a bit, and by virtue of its connotations is going to allow her to provide a radically different perspective for Saki as a friend (as opposed to Hisao, as a partner in a relationship).

I have a hard time believing Saki would let her mother get close enough to see either her or Hisao. If I was in that position, in which one of my own parents (especially the one that ran away and birthed me dishonestly with a stranger) had signed my own death sentence like that, they would be similarly dead to me. Working with Saki's mother as a theme is plausible and could prove interesting but I just really can't see her making a physical appearance.

CNB wrote:"Well, okay, if you really want to know, I snuck out to a rock show on my 15th birthday, got drunk, passed out, woke up on the subway next to a dude and some other dude who were both wearing t-shirts for the band so they must have been there too, threw up on myself, staggered to the one guy's house, took a shower while he threw up, had a three-way with him and his friend because why the hell not, me and the friend both jumped out the window and ran like hell when we heard the guy's parents at the front door, friend turned out to be a pretty cool guy and gave me his jacket because my shirt had puke all over it and was back on the other dude's bathroom floor anyway so we went for round two in a back alley, then I slept for a couple hours in a bus stop until the sun came up, made it home and slept until the sun went down, never saw either of the guys or the band again. But check it out: I've still got the jacket, it's nice and sturdy and it has all these cool patches sewn onto it. All things considered, best fucking night of my life so far."

That's...actually really good material. Feels very in-character. A little rough, maybe, but conceptually, yeah.