A little darkness...
Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 6:37 am
Okay, so I haven't found any introduction threads, so this is the best place as any to get this off of me. And other things. So without further ado, let's start with a BGM:
For those of you who know about the game, keep it in mind. For those of you who don't, look it up. I'm pretty sure I'm going to come back on what it means for me.
Hello, I'm hickwarrior. I tend to play indie games a lot, or just some free games that seem to peak my interests. Lately though, I seem to only have eyes for this VN. I'm reluctant to call this a game per se, since there's the protagonist, you're seeing the world through but, most importantly, you only choose for certain events. It makes me refrain from saying it's a game and make VN it's own category of entertainment, much like books and movies.
So, what happened is, I stumble upon a webcomic that I tend to sometimes look at, but not really have any attachment to it. It reminded me of this game, but I didn't go for it yet. I read the comments there, and there was someone arguing a really bad point in there. It made the community get up in arms over, and I read something along the lines of 'it doesn't fetishize disabled people. It actually makes them out as just a human, like you and me.' I also read high praise from this game, and at one point, I became interested. Knowing full well what it could do to me, or maybe that's in hindsight, I download the game, install it, and went through the stories.
I was drawn in and it was the only thing I wanted to do. So first off, I 'roleplayed' how I would react to people around me, not necessarily Hisao. Being that I come from a school with mentally disabled people, by which I mean people with autism, ADHD, the works. I didn't quite minded the disabled school thing as much as Hisao did, no doubt because he gotten his illness diagnosed in his late teens. Anyway, the first run through was an organic one, where I would pick whatever I would do. I would heed people's warnings, although not Kenji's, and generally not wanting to be a douche. I ended up with Emi's route first.
Over the course of the story, I tend to get worried about people whom I'm forming a better bond, even if it's very early on. Whenever Emi would do something that made me worry, I'd bring it up. However, once Hisao felt distance between him and Emi. Aftr a while, he went to Emi with that question. I felt like Hisao did after hearing what she said, and it definitely made things uncomfortable. The one scene where I just went too curious for my own good, Emi yells at me to get out of the house. Hisao didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to talk to someone about it. After doing so, Emi and Hisao reconciled and began running together again. When Emi invites Hisao over on a special day to her, she confessed to Hisao what she was thinking the whole time. Because she lost her father, the best way to cope with it was to run it out, figuratively and literally. When I saw the scene where Hisao embraces Emi, it felt like the exact same reaction I would have. Needless to say, it felt organic, and I felt genuinely sorry.
It also left me feeling lonely.
However, that's small potatoes to what Lilly's story did to me. I kind of have to explain something very personal to me here and it's going to be hard to grasp. While I was in high-school, Or what I assume is the equivalent of such, I'm around 14 or 15 years old, from what I remember. I began to understand english very well and understand the lyrics of music. I might be making this up, but due that, all I ever heard from the music on radios was 'love'. I had no idea what it was and began to get frustrated. I really wanted to know what it was and what it felt like. One day, I imagined something along these lines: A romantic spot, where me and a girl were just enjoying each others company, just sitting there and watching the afternoon glow. The feeling hit me. That's what it felt like to feel love. It made me feel depressed at how lonely I felt afterwards. It then began spiraling, where I lost appetite and my body was rejecting food. Somehow I managed to deal with it and began eating more.
With that said, Lilly stirred all of it up again. Every single thing. However, since I became more intelligent, in my eyes, I began to start mulling about it and why it was that I just couldn't let it go. I isolated myself from the class, listening to the track at the beginning of this post. I was thinking that it's my darkness I have to deal with and overcome. I intently started focusing on why things happened in the story as it did. My outlook on life was already changing, due to me wanting to shoot higher than what was advised to me. Lilly's story made it all the more the painful, the phase I'm going through. I began to seriously think about what it meant for me, what I wanted to begin doing about it.
Shizune's story, while feeling more distant, because I wouldn't blow my top that easily, made me feel depressed at the end. That loneliness... That same goddammn loneliness! All I could think of, even if Hisao and Misha left her, was wanting to be there for her. As clingy as I am, of course. It hit me that she couldn't sort her feelings like other characters. Due to her dad being the manliest of men(which is unfortunate, due to how realistic everything else seems to be to me), it's hard not to feel sympathy for what she's going through.
In short, it made me address this, melodramatic as it sounds, darkness inside me. It's one thing that I had to get off me, whether it's by consulation or not. Oh yea, I almost forgot. The feelings inside me really stood in my way when I tried to concentrate, much like how Hisao is in most of the stories when he begins thinking about a girl more.
Because of this, I'm absolutely grateful for the experience. I might not even experience this kind of thing myself, due to how much I isolate myself to the outside world as is. I'm not up to speed to whatever's going on, I'm busy more with myself and most people around me don't share the kinds of interest I do. It feels like I'm alien to the world, but I don't care about that. I now know I care more about being with someone I can share my life with for however long it is.
Phew, that's kind of what I wanted to say. I'll probably never get 100% completion, since I don't wanna think of this VN as such. I want to think of an organic story, and because of that, I just don't want to end up hurting the girls. Even though I eventually will make some enemies, I'd rather have gumdrop smiles around me than anything else.
For those of you who know about the game, keep it in mind. For those of you who don't, look it up. I'm pretty sure I'm going to come back on what it means for me.
Hello, I'm hickwarrior. I tend to play indie games a lot, or just some free games that seem to peak my interests. Lately though, I seem to only have eyes for this VN. I'm reluctant to call this a game per se, since there's the protagonist, you're seeing the world through but, most importantly, you only choose for certain events. It makes me refrain from saying it's a game and make VN it's own category of entertainment, much like books and movies.
So, what happened is, I stumble upon a webcomic that I tend to sometimes look at, but not really have any attachment to it. It reminded me of this game, but I didn't go for it yet. I read the comments there, and there was someone arguing a really bad point in there. It made the community get up in arms over, and I read something along the lines of 'it doesn't fetishize disabled people. It actually makes them out as just a human, like you and me.' I also read high praise from this game, and at one point, I became interested. Knowing full well what it could do to me, or maybe that's in hindsight, I download the game, install it, and went through the stories.
I was drawn in and it was the only thing I wanted to do. So first off, I 'roleplayed' how I would react to people around me, not necessarily Hisao. Being that I come from a school with mentally disabled people, by which I mean people with autism, ADHD, the works. I didn't quite minded the disabled school thing as much as Hisao did, no doubt because he gotten his illness diagnosed in his late teens. Anyway, the first run through was an organic one, where I would pick whatever I would do. I would heed people's warnings, although not Kenji's, and generally not wanting to be a douche. I ended up with Emi's route first.
Over the course of the story, I tend to get worried about people whom I'm forming a better bond, even if it's very early on. Whenever Emi would do something that made me worry, I'd bring it up. However, once Hisao felt distance between him and Emi. Aftr a while, he went to Emi with that question. I felt like Hisao did after hearing what she said, and it definitely made things uncomfortable. The one scene where I just went too curious for my own good, Emi yells at me to get out of the house. Hisao didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to talk to someone about it. After doing so, Emi and Hisao reconciled and began running together again. When Emi invites Hisao over on a special day to her, she confessed to Hisao what she was thinking the whole time. Because she lost her father, the best way to cope with it was to run it out, figuratively and literally. When I saw the scene where Hisao embraces Emi, it felt like the exact same reaction I would have. Needless to say, it felt organic, and I felt genuinely sorry.
It also left me feeling lonely.
However, that's small potatoes to what Lilly's story did to me. I kind of have to explain something very personal to me here and it's going to be hard to grasp. While I was in high-school, Or what I assume is the equivalent of such, I'm around 14 or 15 years old, from what I remember. I began to understand english very well and understand the lyrics of music. I might be making this up, but due that, all I ever heard from the music on radios was 'love'. I had no idea what it was and began to get frustrated. I really wanted to know what it was and what it felt like. One day, I imagined something along these lines: A romantic spot, where me and a girl were just enjoying each others company, just sitting there and watching the afternoon glow. The feeling hit me. That's what it felt like to feel love. It made me feel depressed at how lonely I felt afterwards. It then began spiraling, where I lost appetite and my body was rejecting food. Somehow I managed to deal with it and began eating more.
With that said, Lilly stirred all of it up again. Every single thing. However, since I became more intelligent, in my eyes, I began to start mulling about it and why it was that I just couldn't let it go. I isolated myself from the class, listening to the track at the beginning of this post. I was thinking that it's my darkness I have to deal with and overcome. I intently started focusing on why things happened in the story as it did. My outlook on life was already changing, due to me wanting to shoot higher than what was advised to me. Lilly's story made it all the more the painful, the phase I'm going through. I began to seriously think about what it meant for me, what I wanted to begin doing about it.
Shizune's story, while feeling more distant, because I wouldn't blow my top that easily, made me feel depressed at the end. That loneliness... That same goddammn loneliness! All I could think of, even if Hisao and Misha left her, was wanting to be there for her. As clingy as I am, of course. It hit me that she couldn't sort her feelings like other characters. Due to her dad being the manliest of men(which is unfortunate, due to how realistic everything else seems to be to me), it's hard not to feel sympathy for what she's going through.
In short, it made me address this, melodramatic as it sounds, darkness inside me. It's one thing that I had to get off me, whether it's by consulation or not. Oh yea, I almost forgot. The feelings inside me really stood in my way when I tried to concentrate, much like how Hisao is in most of the stories when he begins thinking about a girl more.
Because of this, I'm absolutely grateful for the experience. I might not even experience this kind of thing myself, due to how much I isolate myself to the outside world as is. I'm not up to speed to whatever's going on, I'm busy more with myself and most people around me don't share the kinds of interest I do. It feels like I'm alien to the world, but I don't care about that. I now know I care more about being with someone I can share my life with for however long it is.
Phew, that's kind of what I wanted to say. I'll probably never get 100% completion, since I don't wanna think of this VN as such. I want to think of an organic story, and because of that, I just don't want to end up hurting the girls. Even though I eventually will make some enemies, I'd rather have gumdrop smiles around me than anything else.
