Help: Do I need psychological help? (My story)

[DoppelGanger]

Hello everybody!

Before I go straight to the topic, there's three things I have to say:

Firstly, English is not my first language, I'm a native french speaker (though I'm not a from France), so don't expect my English to be perfect, there will have some errors here and there. Oh and feel free to correct them if you want to, don't worry, I won't bite!
Secondly, if I'm posting such personal matters here on this forum, it's because I really don't know who to talk to, nor where. But I didn't picked this forum by accident, I played Katawa Shoujo and some of the characters, especially Hanako, really reminded of me. So, although nobody here know me personally, I think you can help me in some way because there's some similarities with my case and those of the characters in the game. And everybody here seems to be really nice.
And lastly, I know this is a really long post but please, I'm begging anyone to help me. The sole fact that someone will actually read the post is enough to help me a bit.

So, here we go...

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If I'm writing this right now, it's because I can't sleep. No matter what I do, don't do, I can't sleep. It's been like that for quite some time.
Some days, I'm completely fine, and some days, my past is just... haunting me. Sometime I feel really secure, happy about my social life, about the fact that I'm over it... but there's always this doubt that always pull me down into that feeling...
I really don't know what that feeling is, but I sure as hell know how to explain it. It's a perfect recipe really: a mix of paranoia, a blend of anxiety and stress, a bit of depressive thought, guilt, panic and there you go! The perfect recipe to drive anyone insane! To drive me insane. And this.. thing, I can feel it everywhere in my body, especially right above my heart, it feel like a burning ball of anxiety. And I don't know why it occurs, It just... does. In fact, I'm feeling it right now. I feel hopeless...

But here's the thing: if you would see me in my normal everyday life, you would never expect such thing from a person like me. In fact, I even think I'm lucky for being who I am now. I'm a handsome, ripped, 19 years old male, I have a ton of friends, I was raised in a great family and I'm sometime really lucky with girls (sorry if this sound arrogant). It even happened twice that some guy said to me that they envied me to be like I am (They weren't sober though).
In short, I think I don't have any reason to feel so depressed... anymore. But I do anyway. It's as if life gave me everything to be happy, to give me a second chance and I'm damn glad life gave me this chance... but it's all in vain. I still feel very out of place. Well, I think I always felt out of place. Things change, and some never do...

Here's my past:

You see, the first time I really felt out of place it was in elementary school. To put it simply: I was ugly. Really ugly. Yup, you probably all remember that kid in school, you know, to one who everybody seem to never look at because his just too ugly? And when the other kids did look at him, they always said somthing like ''Oh god, I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not like him!'' (I sure as hell heard that a thousand times). Well yeah, that was me, I was that kid. I wasn't one of the ugliest, I was the ugliest in the entire school.

God I even remember, one time I was sitting outside on a seesaw, away from everyone, when two adult girls pasted on the street next to the school and when one the them saw me, she immediately said out loud (I remember exactly what she said)
«Christ, jamais j'aurai cru que des gars aussi laid pouvais exister!» .
Which mean: ''Christ, never I would have thought that a guy can be that ugly!'' (yes she did emphasize on the ''that'')
I was there, on the seesaw, thinking for just once I could finally be in peace, when these little b*tches showed up... I swear I wanted to burst in rage, I wanted to run straight to the fence and yell ''Do you f*cking want me to put a mask or something ? I never asked to be born like that! For f*ck sake, leave me alone just for once!''

Even though I had some friends, my life just started and my self confidence was already at it's lowest. That's why at seven years old, yes seven, my parents wanted me to go to the school psychologist. I barely started to know how to write, and I already needed counseling. Even though I didn't really understood what a psychologist was, I still knew I wasn't normal. The counseling didn't last very long though, as the psychologist and the principal suggested me to take some Ritalin, my parents didn't really like the fact that I was drugged at such an young age.
So yes I wasn't okay, that was true.
But like I said, at least I had some friends, even though my situation was bad, it was no way near as bad as in high school.

In high school, I was sent in a public school, while it wasn't bad, it was extremely densely populated. At least in my elementary school, there was some place for me to hide if I had to, but in my high school, I just couldn't anymore. Also, for the first time in my life, I was alone at school. That's right, all my friends at my elementary school were sent at a private high school. I had one friend left with me but he betrayed me not long after the first year.
Not only was I alone, but my face got even worse. My acne went really over the top, to a point where I didn't just look ugly, my face was disgusting.

This is when things became really bad. Some people picked on me. Wherever I went, there was always someone shouting at me ''Go away you f***ing natural disaster!''. Sometime, I tried to open myself to others, it wasn't always in vain, but I was rejected 95% of the time. It wasn't because I couldn't talk to people at the time, it was because... I didn't wanted to disgust people with my face.
I didn't even wanted people to look at me. The only thing I really excelled was to hide my face.
Does that sound familiar to you ? Hanako ?
But when someone addressed me, I never rejected them, f*ck no, I wanted to meet some people, I wanted to talk to someone, I wanted someone to like me... but I just didn't knew who I would disgust with my face and who would accept me.

Yes it was that bad. If I had one freakin' penny for every time I heard someone telling me something negative about my face, I swear I would be the richest man on Earth. Every time it felt like a knife stabbing me right into my heart. If I could at the time, I swear I would have teared off my ears and my eyes, just to finally been able to live without hearing/seeing people judging my face...

But then, I met her. That's right, high school is the place of new experiences and love is no exception. And for once, a girl was really nice to me. She was perfect: intelligent, really understanding (her.. I can't find the right word for ''compréhensive'), funny and she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw in my entire life.
And for once, I felt like I had a chance with a girl. Not only for love, but I wanted someone who I could tell everything.
Not only did I discovered love, I discovered that not everybody was bad, good people actually exist. Not only I finally found hope, but I started to open myself a bit more than before, I stopped hiding. And for once, I did made a lot of friends. (Female friends that is, I never understand why some people say that boys/girls friendship don't really exist, I always felt like girls are way more compressive than boys.)
I felt I was on the top of the world.

Finally, I could talk to somebody.
Finally, some girl helped me a bit with my physique.
Finally, I felt like I had a goal: that girl... she was mine. All the energy I once spent on hiding, I spent it on her. Everything I did, it was for her. It wasn't just love, it was an obsession. I couldn't fail.

And one day, I ask her out.
And she rejected me.
When I asked her why, she never answered. Only after a couple of days, one of her friend told me it was because of my face...
That was the final blow.
I could endure being laughed at, being picked on, being shouted at because of my physique, being humiliated, everything!
But not losing in love. I just couldn't take it.

That's when things became even worse than before... All the progress I did with my new friends, with her, in about a week, everything was in vain. I just didn't care. No, I couldn't care.
That was I think the first time I experienced that feeling... I started to feel so hopeless, so miserable, I just wanted to hide myself from everybody... I became angry at everything, at everyone, especially at me. I just couldn't find a reason to live anymore... I just wanted to do a service for everybody by killing myself, I wanted to stop ''disgusting'' people with my face...
The only think I though about was suicide. I didn't cared how. I didn't care if it would be painful, as long as I was dead, I didn't care.

And one night, the 16 of March 2008, that was it. That was my final day. Everything was set up. I was finally alone. I sent my final goodbyes to the only person I really cared for. Her.
When the time came... I didn't know why... but something was holding me. Maybe it was fear? I don't know, I don't want to remember. (f*ck I'm shaking right now..)
But when I was about to do it, she broke into my house...
Even though I didn't care for anyone at the time, the last thing I wanted to see, it was her crying...
When I saw her face, her beautiful face, her face destroyed with sadness, with pain, because of me.. I did this to her ?
I felt so guilty I promised her I would never, ever, commit suicide.

And do note this: even though now I know I still have a lot of problems in my life, I still hold to that promise. I will never do such a thing. Never. My suicidal episode is over.
Also note that I never saw a psychologist at the time. (Looking back now, I think I should have done that.)

After some time, I regained myself, slowly but surely. And most importantly, my body matured a bit, my face included. All the acne: gone. Yup, even though at that time I still thought I was ugly as f*ck, some people started to think otherwise. And to be quite frank, looking back at some pictures of me at that time, there was definitively a lot of improvement.
I was still emotionally fragile though, but certainly not broken. I was over it.

After my depression, I started to open myself again to other people. I made a lot of new friends at that time. And since 90% of my friends were girls, it was inevitable that one day, one girl would struck my eyes. It didn't took a lot of time before I had a crush on one of my friend.

And finally someday, thanks to my regained confidence and my joy in life, I had my first girlfriend. Even though I didn't talked that much about my past with people, I told her everything. And I was really happy to have someone like her with me. I finally found true, genuine love. It was really great while it lasted!
But it didn't last for much long.
After four months, she wanted to break up with me.
When I asked her why, she said it was because she never really loved me.
No.
She just wanted to ''make me happy'', she wanted to ''protect me''. Even though I wasn't perfectly okay at the time, I wasn't broken. I didn't need help. I didn't need someone to protect me, nor someone to take as her child. I just wanted someone to love me!
Sound familiar ? Yup, Hanako again
After that... I never wanted to see her again. I hated her for what she did.

Because of her, now I never talk about my past, not even to my closest friend, not even to my family, and I never did to my other ex.

That's right

I had another relationship with a girl I knew for quite some time. Pretty much the same scenario with my other ex, but this time, I didn't said a single thing about my past. At the time, it wasn't that much of a deal for me. And things went better with her than the other girl.
But sometime she did asked about my past. I just said that I lived a normal life like everyone but she never believed me. She really felt like I was hiding something from her. And, to my fault, I did it on purpose. But before I could tell her, she became a bit more distant.
And after only five months, she broke with me too. (Oh, and afterward I was told that she cheated on me but that's another story.)

...
Let's just recap here:

- With one girl, I told her everything about my past, she get into a relationship with me just to ''protect me'' and after four months she tell me she never loved me. Great
- And with the other girl, I didn't said a single thing about my past, she get into a relationship with me, but she feel like I hide some things from her and after five months, she tell me she don't love me anymore. Just great
So I'm doomed if I talk about my past, but I'm doomed if I don't.
What the f*ck am I suppose to do then ?

Even though it's been almost two years from that event, I still don't know what to do...
The worst thing though is that after my last relationship, there was other girls who asked me out but I refused all of them, not because I didn't liked them. I just didn't know what to do.
And I still don't.
It's so frustrating!

So there you go: the story of my life.

Even though things have changed a bit, some things never did.
As I am right now, even though I know I have a lot of potential in me, I still feel like sh*t...
I still feel that feeling. The only time I don't feel it, it's when I get drunk.
I still can't trust anybody.
I still can't get into a serious relationship.
I still feel remorse for the damage I've done to others and to myself.
My past is haunting...
I'm just feeling demotivated...

But here's the thing: I know I shouldn't feel that way, I know I should live day by day, I know I should give other girls a chance, I know I shouldn't expect to much from me, I know things could have been worse, I know all that.
But I still don't feel right... I don't know if it's just listlessness. Maybe my depression returned ?
I don't know...


So here I am.
I just want to talk to someone...
I'm tired of hiding my feelings from everybody.
I'm tired of going to bars/clubs and pretending everything is fine with me.
I'm tired of feeling depressed.
I'm tired of feeling out of place.
I think I need help.

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So here's what I'm asking of you:

Should I talk about it with one of my close friend ? She know me for a long time, she's probably the only one who know a bit about my past. And quite frankly, it's probably the only person I really trust right now.

Or

Should I go seek some help from a psychologist/psychiatrist ? (Even though I don't really have the money for it, I'll get that sorted out somehow)

Maybe I should do both?
I don't know...



Sorry if this dragged a lot, I didn't expected it to be so long.
If you have read this from start to finish, I applaud you. I'm also really thankful. I really needed to get that outta my head. Just by reading you're really helping me.
Again, sorry if this is freakin' long.

Anyway, thank you to anyone who will read, respond to this post.
Thank you.

[ContinualNaba]

I didn't even read any of that. The fact that you expect decent, intelligent or somewhat rational assistant or advice from a Cripplefucking VN forum highlights the fact that you need to see a goddamn shrink.

Jesus Christ.

So, yeah. See your psyker.

[newnar]

I'm experiencing so many different feelings at the same time right now I dunno what to say.

I really hope that wasn't a troll post if it is then damn you to hell for playing with my feelings but if it is true then my friend I have to tell you that you are so fortunate to have experienced all that in your life and to have found such nice people around you because that didn't happen for me at least not yet anyway I can't really help you because I am really not sure of giving any sound advice but if it'll make you feel better lemme tell you that I haven't met my "her" yet and I have been on this dirty planet for a longer time than you so feel happy for yourself I am happy for you to see that you have grown through all these experiences I have never experienced in real life never got the opportunity I wouldn't say I am in the exact same situation you used to be in it's somewhat similar and I know exactly what you mean when you said people patronize you and discriminate you so badly because I don't fare much better and so I wish you all the best in your life from now on although I can't help you directly I hope this will make your migraines better although in my experience they only go away for like a few hours then they'll be back but I'm happy anyway because at least I can have peace for awhile.

[Suriko]

I'm locking this, because this isn't something anybody on this forum can really help with (and may well just cause more problems for).

See a phsycologist. Talk to your GP, or whichever medical practicioner you usually attend, and they should be able to get you a referral. They should be able to give you some pointers on the financial side, too, if that's an issue - they're there to help you get better after all, both physically and mentally. The Internet is not the place you should turn to for things like this, as nobody here is trained in how to deal with health problems, be they physical or mental.

I hope you manage to overcome the problems you've identified. You showed a lot of courage in talking about it publically here, so I am sure you will be able to direct that courage into getting some help IRL.