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A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 12:19 am
by Eprlide
My own mind finds it hard to try and play out characters that I witness to their own actions. It might be a side effect of autism, but all I really care about is hoping to do an OC story right. This is one of my few attempts of doing a full story, so I hope it works out. I would really appreciate feedback and criticism where possible, and I wish for myself to do better eventually.

-Bio removed-

Re: RP-er turned writer attempt. (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 5:24 am
by Mirage_GSM
Well, so far there is only one feedback I can give you:
Don't do bios!
I know that maybe a bit strange to roleplayers (I did a lot of roleplaying as well in the past), but for a story you don't need character sheets. It's okay to make them for your own reference to keep your facts straight and consistent, but don't make them public, at least until you've properly introduced your character in the story.
It is much more satisfying for the reader to get to know the characters through their actions and - depending on the perspective you choose - their thoughts.

Re: RP-er turned writer attempt. (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:12 pm
by griffon8
I have to echo Mirage's comment, though he summed up my feelings better than I would have been able to. When I saw how this thread started, my first thought was, "Oh no, not another one of these!" It's really turned me off of OCs in the fanfics here.

Re: RP-er turned writer attempt. (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:08 pm
by Eprlide
Now that I think about it, this does make sense. The problem is that this is what I've been NEEDING to do for, like, every single RP I've done in the last 2 to 3 years. But giving spoilers before the story even begins, that makes sense. It's more or less like I just ruined my own story before it began. I'm pretty good at describing a lot of detail, but sometimes I over-do it and add in some things that really aren't necessary, so editing and "using the ax" will eventually be abound.

So already a negative impact on this. Oh well, it is my first time. I will hopefully post my first segment later today, as long as I am not distracted by the common doings of life. But thanks anyway, I really do appreciate the feedback! I'm hoping this is something I can get connected with.

Re: RP-er turned writer attempt. (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:28 pm
by Eprlide
(Here is the first part as promised. Again, criticism is appreciated for a newcomer to fan fiction. Enjoy!)

Prologue: Sunset

A low hum echoes through my ears, a constant sound of the machines that were keeping a check on my body. The constant beeps of the EKG only further press the issue into my mind. Slowly, the thoughts become a bit straining on my mind and I decide to open my eyes.

Only to find out I was only looking through one, and to a quite dark room thankfully.

Maybe it had to have come to this. Even though it twists my guts like nothing else, I could remember the vivid pain I was in shortly after the accident. My left arm was a broken mess, and the left lens of my sun glasses were shattered, piercing my eye before it had time to react. The writhing pain, the memories of being rushed to the hospital as fast as I could have...

That too becomes a strain on my mind. My eye is shut again, my head in the same frozen place as it was when I opened it. This all seems way to odd though, as if I had expected this to happen. Then again, the doctors probably put something in me that would dampen my brain along with the pain. I dare not move my left arm to see if I can move it. I am pretty sure it will heal in time, like most broken bones, and I wouldn't want to test the pain dampeners to see how much they could resist. Out of anything, I don't want to feel more pain right now. That one thought is clear right now.

Slight curiosity still gets the best of me, like the bad habit it has always been. I concentrate on my senses as the other parts of my body begin to move. My legs and feet seem fine. Same with my chest. But something digs into my right arm when I move it, making me stop after a flinch. I probably have a needle in there, but I decide against opening my eye to check. I just want to rest, like I had always done in situations where I couldn't go anywhere. Its what I always did.

And I would sleep if somebody didn't turn on the lights. Stupid doctors, don't they know of my primary condition? Hoping to give whoever it was a hint, I groan a bit and shift my head. At least it's not hurting too badly.

"Oh, sorry." A soft, male voice. The brightness diminishes. Mission success. Whats the next plan of action then? The pause afterwards is a little awkward for him, and I can't blame him. They're professionals, right? I decide to break the silence.

"My parents here?" Soft, just like the intruder. But his was more out of apology. Mine seems... broken. Thats probably the right word for it, along with drowsy. I open my eye again, to face the other person in the room. Sure enough, its a doctor, long white coat and all the fancy stuff. Even a clip board. Wonder what it says on there.

"Yes, but you will need to wait, I'm afraid. Miss Saokaki has fained again, the third time today." The tone doesn't change, whenever it be because of the awkwardness still present or the odd fact he just gave. Why did he address my mother like that? She never liked being called that, but I brush the thoughts aside.

"She... fainted?" Its a bit hard to believe, which concludes that the fact was indeed odd. My mother was always the strong, aspiring and bold one. I blame her for my curiosity, because her motive to let me explore the world went against my natural condition. My father was always protective and secure of me, making sure I was raised up "right". Two different sides, each right in their own way I suppose. But they always say opposites attract, so thats that.

The doctor nods. "If you like, I can go back and wait with your father until she reawakens, then tell them you are awake." The offer seems genuine enough, but I don't know when she would normally wake up. If it was to long, I would probably fall asleep. I conclude by agreeing with him with my own nod, and he leaves the room. Sighing softly, I close my eye and try to relax.

I'm on my own again, but at least there will be something to look forward to. My life was always full of surprises, one way or another, and this seems to be the biggest one yet. Growing up with albinism wasn't too straining. I just kept myself inside and everyone agreed to it. The friends I had would always question my intentions of staying inside, but whenever any of them got a sun burn, it was my turn to laugh. I was never one to take insults so harshly, so even with my condition, I was rarely bullied because of me being who I was. And I didn't mind it at all, really. I find it hard not to be yourself.

My great train of thought is broken again by the door almost bursting open, and the slam itself causes myself to jump a bit. Nothing hurts from the reaction, and my eye shoots open to the sight of my tear-stricken mother. It looked like she had been crying for days. Was it days since the accident? I have no clue. Her sorrowful gaze turns to that of shock, at the sight of me, then sorrow again as she rushes to the bed side and hugs me.

"Kezukio!"

----------

After two ridiculously long hours, they depart, and I am left with a few things to think over, with two major topics taking the spotlight.

First off, a tablet rests under my hand. I'm going to be staying in the hospital for a while, so my father thought it best to give me something to dull out my boredom. Besides, why have cards, board games, sheets of paper and a pencil when it can all be on this device here? Technology ho. Maybe I might get back to writing, poetry even. I mostly kept my adventures through literature at school, and never showed it to anyone other then my teachers. They would just smile, grade it and hand it back. It's all I wanted, no public attention at all.

Secondly, I'm going to be transfered to a new school. Well, not new, but it will be once I get there. My parents got the offer for this Yamaku school when I was done with middle school, but since they trusted me to know what I was doing with myself, they denied their offer. Only now, with this "special condition", are they making me go. I would go against this, but the two big factors that are dragging me there are curiosity, and adventure. Or would that just be curiosity again? I've got some catching up to do, but since the school specializes in "special conditions", I guess it won't be a big problem. This also means, however, that I will be staying away from my parents and living on my own. Not too bad, but it will be my first time in my life.

The rest are minor things in comparison. The estimated time I will be in the hospital, times when my friends can come, getting my own money for the school, my parents apologizing for what happened, asking if they can do anything, etcetera, etcetera. There's not much they can do anyway, with myself still being shackled to the hospital. I guess they realized that sooner or later.

I was legitimately surprised at how shattered my parents were. It's like their worry for me was bottling up over the years of me doing my own things, and this accident made the dam burst. But its not them I really worry about now, its my future. I doubt having one eye will really make a difference, but its the school itself. It both intrigues and frightens me. Like I will be put with people they think I will fit in with. But I won't really know until I get there, now will I?

I spot the sun going down for the day, and my eye closes. Its been two days since the accident, and the road ahead of me has been adjusted. I silently pray to myself that my parents have the right idea. Maybe my mother knows me to well. But only time will tell on that account. My imagination decides to play its game on my mind as sleep takes over. And the drugs are just going to make it weirder. Great.

Re: RP-er turned writer attempt. (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2012 3:05 pm
by Eprlide
(Well, here goes nothing. Act one begins now.)

Act I: Shade. Part 1: Independence Day.

The humming noise slowly fades into the background, and soon out of earshot. If there was any chance for me to go against my own parents opinion, its gone now. That knowledge with me along with my natural curiosity eventually unbinds my feet from the floor and opens the iron gate to the new school of Yamaku.

At least this morning I got time to prepare in my room before coming here. Time wasn't a major issue, though. The school is off on Sunday's so I just had to be here before the day ended. I took my time to get prepared, and now in this casual wear, I already have a sense of solitude. Everyone seems to be wearing the same outfit, walking in groups, chatting and talking. Its late afternoon, but not quite evening yet. 5:20 to be exact. "Evening" for me doesn't start until six, but that's just my own opinion. One thing that does strike me as odd is that there are no couples from my view. Sure, there are some girls with guys, but they are all in groups, just talking. My original high school was littered with them, so its a change for me. But, I am reminded as well when I look around that this is not a normal school. There is a reason for everyone to be here, one way or another.

One good thing about my condition is that nobody can tell I'm looking at them. The safety of my sunglasses provides not only protection from brightness, but also a sense of anonymity that is already high due to myself being a newcomer. My new sunglasses are bigger now, covering all directions and making sure no amount of sun gets through. Dad joked that the sunglasses were originally made for people who wear normal glasses that do skateboarding and biking, and that it's made large so that it goes over the normal glasses. I find it a bit stupid, but at least it works in my condition. A quick look at a mirror earlier confirmed that the sunglasses covered my scars and stitches from having my eye removed.

Something in my brain sparks, reminding me of the heavy backpack I'm wearing along with a heavy bag in each hand, and my body moves again. I was standing for a good minute after I opened the gates and entered, looking at the school and its students. I shouldn't be standing out in the sun, even if most of my body is covered in clothing. Gloves, shirt with an over shirt and tie, pants, shoes and a hat. My clothes also match my natural state, for my pale face and vanilla-yellow hair is enough to distinguish my primary condition of albinism. From my right eye alone I can see people looking at me, but then turning to their own group soon afterwards. I'm sure that if I didn't have my sunglasses on, I would be getting many more looks.

The boy dorms are to the right, next to the girl dorms and both after a relaxing field of cut grass and trees. My want to put these bags down is greater then my curiosity at this moment in time, no nothing distracts me or gets in my way. As I enter the building itself after a short walk, I still remember the room number from my numerous glances at the key during the car ride here. Two-one-four. Second floor, room fourteen. The stairs don't look all that inviting with my heavy luggage, but I press on. The elevators are probably for those bound to wheelchairs.

After a walk, the door comes to view, and soon I am standing in front of it. I set down my bags and easily get the key out of my pocket. Ever since birth, my sense of touch has been higher then average for some reason. My parents always complained that they could never cut my hair as a baby because even when I was dead asleep, a simple touch on my hair or head caused me to cry and scream. I chuckle softly at the memory, even if the event itself wasn't remembered. The key goes well into the door knob and I open the door. It's what I expected: a simple format that could be changed to the users will. A bed, a closet and drawer, average sized window, desk, chair, outlets, all the basics. I pick up my bags and take a step, only to hear paper crinkling under my foot. Keeping that in mind, I set my bags on the bed along with my backpack and close the curtains on my window. Turning my head, there is a small note on the floor, the one I most likely stepped on. Picking it up, its short message reminds me of what to do next.

See the nurse ASAP.

It's not an emergency call, but a check-up nonetheless. Deciding to organize my room later, I just leave my bags as the ruined mess they are and head out. A simple chore like this shouldn't be to hefty. At least, I hope not.

------

It doesn't take to long to find the nurses office, but I will admit to getting lost twice. At least I wind up at the place I need to be at. It reality, it wasn't that hard. Right next to the main school building and down a hallway. Door on the left too, but I'm already used to turning my head so it wasn't a big problem. I go ahead and knock.

"Come on in." The voice seems generally happy, male too. I wonder if he was expecting me. Probably, any good doctor or nurse would keep an eye on their schedule. I open the door and look around. It seems like a generic office until I spot a numerous pile of medical supplies in his bin, along with numerous brown rings on the desk. Must drink a lot of coffee to keep up the energy.

I decide to start. "Hi, I was told to meet you as soon as I could. I'm Kezukio Saokaki, the new student." His face lights up and he grabs a clip board, flipping through some pages.

"Could never pronounce your name." The nurse states with a grin. I take it as the joke it is and smile back, his intended reaction no doubt. He seems pretty nice, but something tells me he would turn on a heel and take his job seriously when he needs to. It would make sense anyway. "You can just call me the nurse, Kezukio. Everyone else does." Still with his charismatic smile, he offers his hand which I accept in a hand shake. Firm and solid, I would have expected as such.

"Nurse will do fine then, nurse." I grin back at him and he lets out a chuckle. This will probably be easy if we get along this good already.

"Alright then, now to business." He snaps his fingers, as if to draw attention. My attention was already on him, so its a bit unnecessary. "I've read that you're already used to your albinism for a while, so that's not what I will be checking for. You're track record on that seems good enough to warrant my trust." His smile fades a bit, as if testing his own judgment against the one written. But he moves on before I can comment on it. "For now, just take off your sunglasses." I nod and close my eye, slowly sliding the glasses off of my face. With his window open, I keep my eye shut. I can hear his breath get closer as he looks closely at what I assume is my left socket. After a few seconds he smiles and retreats.

"It seems fine, but if anything happens, just come back to me. Its my job anyway." The smile comes back to its original state, and I nod at him, slipping my sun glasses back on and looking at him with an open eye. "Will do, nurse. You are who you are." He chuckles a bit, and everything seems to be in a good mood now. "Now hurry along, best you get your room prepared before the mess that will be tomorrow for you." How did he know? Actually, I'm probably not the first ever late arrival to the school. I don't push the matter further, but I still keep my smile.

My exit would have gone better if I had stopped to hear the rapid sound of metal onto the tiled floor. Instead I swing open the door to a girl who jumps back in surprise. "Ah! You scared me!" The girl is breathing heavily, and is sweating quite a bit, holding her right hand to her chest while her left dangles by her side. She seems to be in a normal workout attire, except for the fact that she has prosthetic legs right below the knee. Thankfully, she can't catch me looking through the sunglasses. She does look like she was frightened a bit with her body all tensed up, and a bit cute at that, so I offer up my apologies.

"Sorry, bad habit of swinging open doors like I own the place. I should probably stop doing that." Its a half bluff. I don't call it a bad habit since I only do it when I'm in a good mood, but I really should stop doing it anyway. It gives off a bad impression, as shown by the short girl soon after. She tries to look as cute as possible.

"It's not a good idea to do something like that. You are going to end up scaring more people, and worse." Her eyes widen to give off the impression of a puppy. Most would feel sympathetic at the sight, but after needing to deal with a few friends who did the act themselves, I just end up laughing at her, my common antidote for the puppy-eyes.

"Says the person running down the halls." Its a reasonable guess. The click-clack of her "legs" at the rapid pace it was going at seemed to signify someone running. Her face goes into surprise, probably not used to seeing someone resistant to her pouting face, then blushes a bit. Bingo, just like catching a kid stealing from a cookie jar.

"Running through the halls again Emi?" The voice from behind me remind me that not only is the door open, but the nurse was in ear-shot of the entire conversation. Deciding to end this quickly, I walk to the left side and hold the door open for her.

"Best you explain yourself to him, Emi." It feels better to be able to scold her by name, and not a moment later does she enter the office. I close the door and head on my way, the sounds of a heated discussion fading into the background as the grin on my face doesn't leave for a while.

----------

Nothing else really happens for the day. I just get back to my room and unpack everything. My room looks professionally organized now, and its getting dark. I decide to do something new today, though, for it will be something to look back on. I power up my tablet and go to a notepad section. I save the file under "Log 1". I never thought of diaries as something I would do, but I don't plan on being overly emotional at anything, so it will just be a journal.

Day one.

Yamaku seems quite different then the rest of the school's I've ever been to, and for good reason. Already today after a visit to the nurses office I ran into a girl with prosthetic legs. I remember her shocked face when her puppy eyes didn't work on me. I wonder how many other surprises will be abound. Sisters of fate watch over me, if you exist. I hope to have a good time here.

This is probably going to be a bad journal if I write so little every day. I should get better over the days. Not much happened today anyway.


I leave it at that. Not much happened today anyway. How true. The encounter with the girl was short lived, but its still a memory to grin about. I make sure I save the log again, power off the tablet and head off to bed, even if its a little early to do so. The real fun begins tomorrow, so I want as much sleep as I can get. Thankfully, my body complies, and I soon drift off to sleep.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 10:09 pm
by Eprlide
(Short post today, but I will do better. Enjoy!)

Part 2: Today if the first day of the rest of your (high school) life.

My eye parts open to a dark room. My body wants me to go back to sleep, but I know better. Even if I am drowsy for a bit, I know its better to push on. A quick look at the clock confirms the estimated time. Its pretty early in the morning, but something tells me that I will not be the only one awake when I leave my room. Rising from my bed, I force myself out of willpower to get ready for the day.

------

Time eventually finds me in the cafeteria, eating alone with the morning so far being uneventful. I don't mind either though, the solitude or the food. It gives me time to think to myself and allows myself to eat the food faster with nobody to talk to. The food isn't bad, and its pretty decent. But my own taste buds will be my own, and soon I find myself without any more food to eat. I grab my backpack and head off, pulling out a small slip of paper.

Room 3-2

Third floor, second room. Simple enough, just like the dorms. I guess the simplicity is for obvious reasons. The only problem is that the classrooms are to the right of me once I enter the hallway, so even though they are in plain sight, the student's passing by aren't. I only know of their presence by the sound of their footsteps passing by me and the occasional glance I shoot to my right every now and then, which requires my whole head to turn. Some take note of this, but most just pass it by. I guess its a common but silent law that its best to keep the assumptions to yourself and only ask if you are a good friend. Maybe that will come in time for myself as well.

Soon I find myself at the door, and with my head down a bit and my eye focused on the door, I shut the world outside as I begin to enter a new one. My real life begins here, whatever lies beyond this door. My hand reaches out and grabs the knob, only to be touched upon by another hand, both of which reel back."Ah!"

"Oh!" The other voice seems light, and as soon as my head and eye turn to the person, it is indeed a girl, but her stature would definitely resemble a young, mature woman. Long blond hair goes down her back, a surprised face with a hand at her mouth, covering it, and the brightest sky-blue eyes I've ever seen. Wait, that means...

"My apologies, I should have paid more attention." I take the lead, only now seeing how the student was special. I open the door and walk inside, but I don't pay attention to the inside and instead hold the door open for her. "You go in first, miss." Something tells me I'm a bit too formal, but I hope its not offensive.

"Why thank you." She says after a slight chuckle. So it's fine now, it seems. With her entering inside, I decide to get a good look at the room. It's a simple setting: chairs with desks with them are in rows facing the front of the room, which has a big chalkboard, a partial map of the world (It doesn't show the Americas) and a fan of all things. Must get hot in here if that's necessary. A big problem by first glance is that the windows are open, but I push it aside by the thought that the school probably knows what it will be doing with me. Mostly white tiles cover the floor with a blue one every now and then. I can tell the pattern they are in, which makes me smile a bit.

"Ah, perfect. Both of you are here." A voice comes from the desk. Seems to be the teacher, talking to me and whoever I accidentally touched.

"Huh?" She responds. I just stay silent as I close the door.

"Lilly, as class representative I am putting you in charge of introducing our new student to the school, and it seems you've already met him."

"Ah." She seems calm now with understanding, and I am relieved myself now that there is a designated guide for me. I don't want my curiosity to get me into trouble. She turns her head to where she believes I am, which is quite accurate. I also look at her for politeness, even if she can't see me back.

"Lilly, huh? I am Kezukio Saokaki. Pleased to meet you, even if it wasn't in the best orderly manner." I chuckle a bit and nod at her, hoping to ease the tension up a bit more.

She giggles softly in return. "Perhaps it wasn't the best, but now we now know each other. And yes, Lilly Satou is my name. Pleased to meet you too."

"There isn't much time until class starts, so I guess a tour will need to wait." I point out to her, looking over at the clock. I think I spent a bit to much time thinking and eating, but what can I expect? Its my second day here, and technically, my first real one.

"Alright, after class is over then." She smiles lightly, and slowly guides her fingers through the tops of each desk, before stopping and taking one seemingly at random. But I look at the desks themselves, and its a different story. Each one has a name tag to them, along with some indents with dots. Braille? Seems so, and I catch onto this quickly and guide myself around the classroom until I find mine. Whenever its by coincidence or planning by the school itself, my seat is right next to Lilly's, and right next to a window. I close the curtains on the window and sit myself down.

"This seems convenient enough." I smile a bit at the comment. Remembering how it can be a new use for notes (and a way to save paper too), I open up my backpack and begin to wedge out my tablet.

"I guess so, for you at least." She seems to be smiling as well. What a nice girl, and beautiful to. Things are looking up already. I decide just to prepare myself for class and soon, its underway. I'm given an introduction, but its a bit short since most of the class has trouble with eyesight. I guess I got put in here being half-blind. Or does it work that way? Can you really be half-blind? From what I remember of basic vision, one eye alone could see 80% of everything in view, maybe more. Maybe its because I'm albino to, but I push that aside. I've lived with that my entire life, so its nothing to big. Soon the class is underway, and although most take notes with a pencil and paper, I find myself tapping away on my tablet with ease. I can tell Lilly is interested in what I have, as are most of the students. How do you explain a tablet to someone whose blind? That nagging thought is ever-persistent in my mind as the class goes on.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 5:36 am
by Mirage_GSM
A few minor typos, but otherwise another good chapter.
Two things I'd like to mention:
1.) Eyes do not wake up. Yes, this is a literary device, but try not to overuse it or use too glaring examples of it...
2.) "...and soon I find myself without any more food."

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 4:48 pm
by Eprlide
Gah, I hate that habit of meshing words together. Thanks for the pointers.

Work on part 3 is now complete. Enjoy!

Part 3: Technology in context

I really shouldn't think of myself as different, but constant gazes around the classroom during class only seem to harden my own thoughts. I know its wrong to put myself as different from others, but everyone here is different. Just, very different, and different enough to be given the option to come here. Being albino was different enough for an invitation, but my loss of an eye sent my parents over that line of perspective and thought that I was different enough now to come here. Some people here are different on their own terms instead of just having bad eyesight, or none at all for that matter, but I can't stop thinking of myself as being different. But its a different kind of different; my own definition of different, from what I think of different. Wait, am I really that different that I have my own definition of different that's "different" then their definition of different? How different does that make me from being just "different"? If I tried to explain my own perspective of being different, would anyone agree with it, or is everyone's viewpoint of different... well, different then everyone else? Thats a scary thought.

The bell ringing shocks me out of my train of thought, derails and completely destroys it for the better of me. I don't want a headache, and I'm sure nobody here wants to hear what I have in mind. Well, maybe Lilly, but she seems more worried out right now.

"You alright, Kezukio?" A motherly figure, and a voice to match it. I just smile, even if she will never be able to see it. It just feels nice to smile, sometimes.

"Yeah, a thought process was just stopped by the bell. For a good reason too." I chuckle light heartedly and tend to my tablet. With the notes done for the day, I save the document and exit the program, all of my actions on the touch screen making the common sound of tapping on plastic. This, of course, pipes up her curiosity.

"What are you using, if you don't mind me asking." Well, it would have come to this. However, even if it seems like cheating, I have a good offer to make, once which should hopefully speed up the process of making friends. I already have my hopes high up for her; she doesn't seem to be one to turn a newbie down.

"I'll tell you, but I think having a lot of time would be beneficial. Would you mind if I had lunch with you?" It makes logical sense to. I had some ideas as to how to describe this... thing to her. A wondrous thing it is, but how do you explain something completely visual to a blind person? It's going to take time, a lot of time.

She first smiles lightly, warming up my hopes, but then something makes her think for a bit. "I will need to check with my friend to see if she's alright with it." I didn't expect someone like her to spend her time alone, but she seems a bit serious about this. Whomever this person is, she cares for her, which now has my own curiosity up.

"Thats fine with me." I can't be to hard pressed on her. My offer seems to be enough for her to accept, but that doesn't mean I need to constantly remind her. I calmly rise from my seat with my backpack on and my tablet at my side, clutched securely in my hand. Lilly nods and rises soon after, grabbing her bag and pulling out what seems to be some sort of a long stick. It looks weak, so it can't be used for walking. Once its fully extended she sends an end to the ground and sweeps it side to side, making noise with everything it contacts. Ah, makes sense now. With her tool, she begins to make her way out of the classroom, and I follow her suit.

We walk, not side by side, but close enough in respect, when she stops at a door, the one to room 3-3. She opens the door softly, and softly calls for someone's name. "Hanako?" I keep my distance from Lilly in the safe keeping of whoever her friend might be. I close my eye, and focus on my hearing. Although there is already commotion in the hallway, I can hear someone inside the classroom packing up their things and almost bolting to the door.

"Lilly..." My visual senses come back to see another student with long purple hair that covers the right side of her face hugging Lilly . I can barely see past the hair, but it looks like burn marks cover the right side of her face, along with her left hand. It seems as if her entire right side of her body was badly burnt years ago. And here this Hanako is, hugging Lilly like it meant the world to her. So, she is special to her, but I decide to keep quiet until Lilly introduces me to her, or vice-versa. Already from sight alone, she's probably not one for social interactions.

"Hanako, there is a new student who wants to eat lunch with us. Would you mind?" She seems to be skipping the greeting for now, and it clicks into my mind. Hanako would probably need to accept me visually before I could probably mutter even a single word to her. I do my best to relax in front of her, as she turns her head to look at me. It takes less then a second before she looks away, holding her burned hand to her burned side of her face. Her other eye still continues to scan me, and I phase out as I am reminded of myself while she's doing that.

"T-t-thats... okay i-if... h-hes new..." Already extremely shy, and I immediately assume her burns have something to do with it. Two things get in my way: one, that it might not be true, and two, the unspoken rule that you shouldn't ask. Her accepting my appearance is fine for now, and I just smile and softly nod.

"I'm Kezukio Saokaki, and thanks." Its the best I can muster, and all I get from her is a soft nod. She still clings closely to Lilly, which I don't mind at all. I'd tell her I understand her somewhat, but that would be getting way to far ahead of myself.

"H-ha-hanako... Hanako Ikezawa." Probably all I'm going to get out of her for now, and I'm not the only one with the thought.

"Well, might as well be on our way then." Lilly states this and walks with Hanako, who still has a death grip on her arm. She doesn't mind though, as if she's done this for years. And she probably has. I keep my distance behind them as we make our way down the stairs to the second floor. Lilly still uses her cane to move around the students and the building, even with the closeness of Hanako. I myself try to keep myself away from everyone and just follow where the duo go. This system works quite well, and we come across another door which she opens, showing a lone room with a sink, table and a few chairs. They enter first, and I follow in behind them, closing the door on instinct.

"Would you like some tea, Kezukio?" Tea, eh? Haven't had any in a while, and some right now sounds very nice. Hanako is already at the table while Lilly is already beginning to prepare a pot of tea.

"That would be great, thanks." I decide to just go with the mood right now, which seems to be relaxed and calm. Probably all for the ease of Hanako. I grab a chair and sit next to Hanako, and soon Lilly brings the pot of tea to the table along with some saucers and cups. From the corner of my eye, I can tell Hanako is still a bit nervous with my presence, which is probably a given. Lilly sits down, then lets Hanako pour the tea for all of us. It takes a bit for Lilly to find her cup again, but once she finds it she takes a sip.

"Anyway, I guess its time for me to hold up my end of the bargain." Hanako looks confused, but Lilly smiles softly, knowing exactly what I'm talking about. I set the tablet on the desk and tap on it in thought of my words to describe it. Thankfully, its on sleep mode right now, so its not doing anything crazy. This might take a while.

-------

Hanako stays silent, mostly, while Lilly and I do most of the talking, with the main subject being my piece of technology. Hanako did seem to take a slight interest in it too, so maybe it can be a tool to ease any tensions with her. The tablet was made to be a tool after all, and for whatever the user wishes of it. Soon, the bell rings and both Lilly and Hanako go to work to clean up, leaving me in the dust. I guess my conversation was good enough to warrant their trust. Hanako herself does seem a bit more calm, but I know instinctively that its going to be a -long- time before I get anywhere to the level of where Lilly is with her. Do I even want to go that far? "You will always miss all the shots you never take." I was always told. Maybe I need to think again, which can be saved for later today.

In due time, they are finished cleaning up and are gathering their possessions. Deciding to hopefully do something, I open the door and hold it open for them to walk through. "Why thank you." Lilly remarks, smiling softly and walking through. She probably heard me opening the door. Hanako soon follows after her, but not without giving me a quick glance. What does she see in me, being blocked by the sunglasses? I can't make out her expression quick enough as she gets back close to Lilly's side again. I close the door and follow, and in due time we find ourselves back in our respective classrooms to finish up the day.

------

A lot of people still seem curious to my tablet, but after experiencing how... interestingly difficult it was to explain to Lilly, I hold off any thought to try and explain it again. The class goes on uneventfully, and the school day ends. I pack up my belongings and get out of my seat, looking to Lilly who is doing the same.

"I'll see you tomorrow, alright?" I guess this is goodbye for today, but now there will be something to look forward to. Always a good thing.

"Ah, yes. Bye Kezukio." She doesn't seem to mind the choice of words I used to much. I guess I am still a newbie here. "Bye" is all I respond with before departing from the classroom and heading to my dorm, which too goes by uneventfully. I head into my room and get to work on homework, then make another log, hoping to make it longer then the pathetic one that was yesterday.

Log two.

Today actually began my school experience, and I think I've been stuck lucky by the ladies of fate. I guess my prayer yesterday paid off. My partner is blind, and since birth from the looks of it. Lilly Satou is her name, and she's also the class representative. Very nice and kind. She would make a good mother for whomever she chooses. I doubt I will try, or maybe later I might. Who knows, it's still way too early in school to be thinking about it. I best wait a few weeks at best to get used to the school.

Speaking of, there seemingly is a festival coming on soon, this next Sunday. Quite quick on the ball there, but it should be fun. Well, then there's the prospect of what I will do. I still can't stay long outside, and I will probably need gloves sooner or later to help with my hands. I guess this might be a good spectator time, but I guess it will come as it goes.

I wonder if fluently going into new subjects will be good, for there is another person I met today. Another spectator, if you will. Really reclusive and shy, but the burn marks on her right side give that away. Hanako... something or another, seems really attached to Lilly. They seem to be best friends, or maybe a bit more like a mother-daughter thing. I hope she comes to accept me soon, but I can't get my hopes high. It's going to take some time with her, I know that much. Patience will be everything here.

Alright, so I do seem to be getting better at these things. I hope in the future that I do not make a fool of myself.


That's good enough for now. Along with patience, practice is another good virtue. One which I will probably need to exercise along with patience. I save it and turn off the tablet for the night. Today was a good "first" day, and sleep takes me over in anticipation for the next.

(Feedback always appreciated!)

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2012 11:31 pm
by Eprlide
Part 4: Perspectives on differences.

I'm so used to waking up with one eye open the shock is no longer there. It's been months since the accident, so nothing much is getting on my nerves. I still do sometimes think about the situation I'm in, but they're very brief. Whenever I wake up, I just focus so much on getting up and getting ready that I feel like a machine, only doing what my body has somehow commanded me to do. I still wake up much earlier then most other people, but since sunrise has still yet to happen for a while after I get ready for the day, I decide just to take a scenic walk and get a better view of the school.

-------

They buildings seem to have an old, rustic style to them, which I assume, is suppose to give of the feeling of security and familiarity. Then again, not all of my guesses are correct. Sometimes there are things I do not see coming, like the armless girl sleeping in front of this mural-in-progress here.



Wait, what? I stop, look again, and sure enough, there sleeping on a bench near the mural is this armless girl with short, auburn hair. She wears a boys uniform, but her feminine figure rejects any idea of what gender is the true one. A brush is clenched in between her toes, proof that this is her painting. I take a look at her work in progress, and it's quite… interesting. That's the only word that comes to mind in this moment. There are faces and body parts everywhere in abstract forms, but nothing uniform. I think I see a fish somewhere, or is that a face? My eye and mind goes back to the sleeping girl, wondering how she managed to remain invisible from the night patrol. Then again, she seems small, but not as small as that first girl I met.

This is probably going to be a bad idea, but with so much time left, there really isn't much else to do, and there is a slight genuine concern for her in me. I walk over to her sleeping body and softly shake her shoulders. “Hello?” How vague, but it slowly begins to stir her up from her sleep. Her eyes open to reveal two dark green circles staring at me with a drowsy look, and I immediately withdraw my hand from her.

“How long were you watching?” That's… not what I expected of her reception, but I guess the honest answer is the best here.

“Not very long, a minute or two. Why are you asleep out here?” My turn. Maybe I can learn a bit more about her.

She just shrugs at the question. “No clue. I was painting, and then I felt tired. Next thing I know I am being shook by you.” Her face lights up a bit in realization. “Oh, the painting. I should get back on that.” As if I wasn't there anymore, she looks back to the mural and stares at it. That's probably how she fell asleep last night, no doubt, just got so weighted with fatigue that she drifted off to sleep here.

“Do you need help?” My natural response goes through my mouth before my brain can process the idea of that sentence. It gets responded with a shake of her head.

“No, I'll be fine. I think.” She says it in a monotone voice, and it's hard to distinguish whenever she is serious, still tired or pushing something behind. I shrug and turn to be on my way, but before I take my third step I'm stopped by her voice. “Why did you wake me up?” My body turns to her, always going clockwise for view, as I give off my honest response.

“It's still too early to do anything, so I was just taking a walk and I found you here sleeping. It's not safe to sleep outside anyway; you could have caught a cold.” Okay, I have my tablet with me to do something, but I felt like walking before the sun rises in full effect. She shrugs again like it's a reasonable risk.

“But walking is something, right? Then you're just contradicting yourself.” Huh. I wasn't expecting that either. This is probably going to end in some sort of a debate, but I accept the challenge anyway. Maybe this will pass the time.

“Your perspective on anything is everything, while most people, including myself, just put everything enjoyable to pass the time as “anything” in this circumstance. In fact, talking with you would quality in the “anything” category.” Hmm, did I word that right? I'm not sure, but it triggers a response from her with a raised eyebrow and turning her head to me.

“You like talking to girls who have just woken up to pass the time? That's different.” Not that word again… “I haven't heard of that condition before. What is it called?" Wait, that's….

“That's not a condition. It would more or less fall into a category of likes and dislikes.”

“What's the difference?” An interesting question, but not that dang word again. It still haunts me from my mental rant yesterday. Wait, I could actually use that.

“What is difference? Or rather, what is difference to you?” She closes her mind in thought, and again, she shrugs.

“I don't know.” Time to attack.

“Well, how can I tell you the difference between the two if I cannot satisfy your perspective, or lack thereof, of being different?” Does that even make sense? I might be losing my mind to her, but I don't care at this point. This is a brain exercise I am thoroughly enjoying, except for the constant pains of not being able to use the word “different”. That word is a land mine, and one she could use to send my argument off balance. She shrugs again, in a fluid motion.

"I thought everyone went by the regular definition of different. Like the one in the dictionary. If you're right, people are only more confusing. Do you know what jellyfish are?" A slight change of topic, but she seems to be on track with something. I just comply.

"I know the basic concept of a jellyfish, but I don't think anyone will ever truly understand a jellyfish, like how it thinks."

"People to me are like jellyfish. I don't understand. They are what I thought was different, but now you are making me less understanding." She makes a face now, one of agitation. She doesn't seem to like being confused, but really, who doesn't? For me, though, it incites a bit of a challenge to understand. The sun begins to rise, and I take shelter from the sunlight near a tree that was close to the mural. Her eyes follow me all the way. "Why did you move? Do you not like the sun?" Well, better explain myself.

"No. I know the sun is responsible for life on this planet. It's just that my skin is very sensitive to the sun, as part of my condition." Unlike probably most of the people here, I am quite calm with explaining my condition. I do, however, keep my lost eye as a secret, like a hidden bombshell to pull out when I need to. I don't have a clue when I would need to use it, but I'm keeping it nonetheless. Her face lightens up a bit at my explanation.

"Gah! I can't remember the name of the condition, but I have heard of it. I think. I have a bad memory."

"Albinism. Do you remember your own name at least?" It feels like cheating asking her name inadvertently, but she responds with a quick nod.

"Yes. Rin Tezuka." She now picks up on my original intention and frowns a bit. "If you just asked, I could have told you my name." I come up with a witty response.

"If you didn't remember your name, what would be the point of asking? You didn't need to tell me, I just wondered if you DID remember your name." That was pretty quick, and her eye lids close to half way. Her new look shows as if she doesn't really mind anymore.

"Do you remember your name then?" Ah, she got me there.

"Yes, I do." Rin pauses expectantly, but I don't give in. About a minute passes and I wonder if she's forgotten about it. Another look at her shows she's back to the mural at hand, taking her brush in between her toes and beginning to do strokes on the painting. My own stomach interferes with my train of thought, and I say one last thing before I leave. "Kezukio Saokaki, thats my name. I'll see you later, I think." She gives no response, and I wonder for a bit if she will even remember this conversation. I shrug and head off to the cafeteria to fill myself.

And yet another interesting person to add to the list.

(I sincerely hope I did Rin justice here. Any feedback is appreciated!)

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 12:09 am
by GibGabGoo
(I sincerely hope I did Rin justice here. Any feedback is appreciated!)
I feel that you did indeed do Rin justice, certainly. She sounds very in character (to me), anyway. Your writing so far has been very good, keep up the great work! I'll be keeping up with this story!

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 9:30 pm
by griffon8
Only one glaring grammar error that I noticed.
Does that even make sense? I might be loosing my mind to her, but I don't care at this point.
You mean 'losing' (to become without), not 'loosing' (to untie).

I look forward to more on this. Not quite sure where you're going yet. The conflict hasn't been established. So far you've been setting the scene.

Hmm, didn't notice part 3 up there. Now I have to read it.

Whoops! A line with three mistakes.
"Yea, a though process was just stopped by the bell. For a good reason to."
First, you either mean 'yeah' or the more formal 'yes'; 'yea' sounds like he's responding to a call for vote. :) Second, you want 'thought', not 'though'. Finally, you want 'too', not 'to'. Hmm, probably should have a comma after 'reason', too. :P

Ooh, another one. Hanako has a burn on her right hand, not her left. You make a point of her right side having the burns, too.

Finally, three more in the log.
My parter is blind
'partner'
Who knows, its still way to early
'it's' & 'too'

Anyway, don't let these quibbles keep you from writing.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 1:43 am
by Eprlide
griffon8 wrote:Anyway, don't let these quibbles keep you from writing.
(Thanks for the pointers. I still need to pay attention when I write.)
I feel that you did indeed do Rin justice, certainly. She sounds very in character (to me), anyway. Your writing so far has been very good, keep up the great work! I'll be keeping up with this story!
(Well, that's good! And here is the final part of act 1! The longest part too. Enjoy!)

Part 5: Dual Duality

I'm not exactly sure how, but as Lilly approaches my seat she can sense a bit of the aftermath from the conversation earlier today. She obviously can't see me with my head hanging in my arms which are folded on my desk, nor can she see that my hands are gripping my hair, but perhaps the uneasiness of my breath and the aura of frustration I might be emitting is what she can feel once she comes to her seat, next to mine. It isn't long before she speaks up. "Kezukio, is there a problem?"

"I'm not sure if its a problem." Great, now I'm starting to even sound like Rin. "I think some old, dead part of me is coming back after months of it not being used, and its causing a bit of a headache." Okay, that is a HUGE understatement, and it turns out she quickly catches on.

"It sounds like a problem to me. What happened?" Would she believe that one talk with a random girl would give me this aching, yet intriguing brain tease and hurt? Does she even know Rin? My eye opens up to see her face, written with genuine concern. It must have been from all the time she's spent with Hanako, tending to her and making sure she didn't break down. A motherly figure. It fits her quite well, and I eventually sigh in defeat and let out a small smile.

"Do you think one conversation with a random stranger would be enough to bring up old habits?" She pauses in thought, her hands cupped together and resting on the desk, her head still directed to my position out of politeness.

"I think its quite possible." Wait... her tone. Now it was her turn to lie. It sounds like she's already heard it happen. But with who, then? Oh... she kept quiet about it because its probably happened to Hanako. I refrain myself from asking further and just continue on.

"I woke up early and took a walk around the campus. There was this lone girl, sleeping in front of a mural. Lying on the ground. Its a surprise she wasn't caught by the night patrol." I pause for a second, then move on. Lilly still seems worried. "She also had no arms. I decided to-"

"Stop." Lilly seems to know what I'm talking about. I do as she asks, and now it was her turn to sigh in agitation. "You talked to Rin, didn't you?" I sigh a bit.

"I must assume you know her. And yes, Rin... Tezuka, I think, was the one I talked to. She was... interesting to talk to, and it may or may not have brought up the weirder, wittier side of me." I shrug a bit, which ultimately turns into a stretch of the arms upward. "Not like its a bad thing, it's just one of those things you can't really expect coming. But such is life." She actually chuckles a bit at that statement and smiles.

"I try to avoid her for the reason you experienced. But if you think she could be a new friend to you, then that's good. It's never bad to try and make new friends." I assume she must change her words of wisdom around Hanako, but I go along with what she says anyway.

"Yes, it's never a bad thing." Both of us a bit happier in the end, we go along the morning classes as done yesterday. My tablet is still having some eyes drawn to it, even if they can't really see it. It must be the unusual sound of tapping on plastic that's getting their attention, much like it got Lilly's. I do a silent prayer that nobody else comes to me and tries to make me explain the device. Yesterday was a challenge in its own right.

-------

My plea goes answered, and the morning classes go by most uneventfully all the way to the bell. Its only until I open the door to exit for lunchtime that the situation turns very odd with one, singular person.

Its RIn.

"Hello..." Its not what I expect, so my response is a bit off.

"Hello. I thought you would be in this classroom. Bad eyes goes with your condition, right?" I'm about to protest, but I remember that the one-eye thing needs to be kept a secret, for now. I wonder how long I can make it like that. I try to find a reason why she would follow me, but nothing comes up.

"Why were you looking for me?" I sound a bit angry, but its more on confusion. I guess I was right when I thought that nobody really likes to be confused on something, even me. She responds with another nonchalant shrug.

"I don't think I remember, or will remember. But if we're going to talk, we should go to the roof instead. I'm hungry." One topic to another, it takes a while to piece out what she's saying. She's... asking to join her for lunch? It seems like a bad idea, but something compels me to go along with it. This is probably fate danging something in front of me again.

"Alright then. Lead the way." She turns around after my statement, and I just follow her wherever she's going. Even if I'm not looking at her, I think Lilly is very confused right now to my spontaneous agreement to go. Somehow, I can fee I kind of feel the same way. Why am I doing this again? After finding some stable ground to stay with in terms of friends with Lilly and Hanako, I find myself taking a risk of both mind and sanity going with this new person which I only met this morning, going to the roof with her for lunch and probably some more heated debate. Maybe she's just alone, and picks people at random. I can't make any clear assumption until I know more of her, and like Hanako, that's probably going to take a long time.

Soon, I find myself going up some stairs with her, to the roof. The stairs themselves aren't a problem for either of us, but then I suddenly remember something. This is technically going outside. Unless there's some shade, I'm going to be burning like a crisp. I guess that's going to be my first priority, to find some shade. Once up the stairs, she uses her foot to take the knob and turn it a bit, but enough to open it. Wow, she's pretty dexterous with her feet and legs, but that probably makes up for her lack of arms. The blaring light makes me turn a bit until the sunglasses show their strength to resist the light. She walks out and looks around with a discontent look on her face. "Where is she?"

"Who?" I soon make my way out as well and I turn to look at her, whose still looking around.

"Someone else comes up here with me, but she also brings me my lunch. She must be running late again." She grins a bit at her joke, but she looks at me to confirm the validation of her statement. "My friend, she's on the track team. That's why its funny."

"Ah." I do chuckle a bit at the simple nitpick. She walks over to some benches and looks around. The only spot of shade is a little given off by the low wall and chain-link fence, so it looks like I will need to tough this out. I follow her once again, and I take a seat on the bench. She does the same, but then looks skyward. "Why do you like eating up here?" I ask, hoping to start something up. Or, do I want to do that? Well, too late now.

"It's not just eating. I experience here too." She doesn't move an inch, just looking at the sky.

"Experience, huh?" I look up at the sky, not in the direction of the sun. "I think I know what you mean. I would probably be a more outdoors person if it wasn't so dangerous for me." I chuckle a bit. "It's a bit funny, isn't it? The sun is responsible for life on this planet, but it's one of the more dangerous things to me. Whenever its night time, I try to experience as much as I can, when nobody else is around." Out of the corner of my eye, she actually averts her gaze from the sky and looks at me like I was some sort of an alien.

"You do that too? I thought I was the only-"

Even though the door opened during her sentence, she still went on until a high-pitched voice came from the doorway. "Rin? Whose..." That voice sounds familiar, and I turn to see the girl from Sunday's experience looking at me with a slight scowl. "Why are you here?!" Her voice changes to a more demanding tone. That's the same question I asked myself earlier without a legitimate answer, so I find myself doing a natural response: shrugging. Just like Rin.

"Rin invited me up here, so I came." That's at least the truth. Rin finally peels her vision away from me and looks at... I forgot her name.

"He seemed lost earlier this morning, Emi. I thought this was what you were suppose to do." Huh... I did give off the impression of being a bit lost earlier. I guess in a sense, I still was. Emi sighs in defeat as I make a mental note to remember the name if this is who Rin eats with.

"You didn't seem lost Sunday." She remarks, walking over to us.

"That's because I had a focused goal in mind. Now, not so much." I have a feeling this lunch is going to be as challenging, if not more, then yesterday. Why did I allow myself to come up here, why?

-------

I sigh in relief as the three of us seem to reach some kind of consensus with my presence, and just as the bell rings too. I pack my stuff and rise from the bench along with Emi, but Rin stays sitting for a while. Emi soon takes notice of something. "Rin, you didn't eat all of your lunch! Its not good to under eat!" Emi would be on the ball with that kind of stuff if she's on the track team. Rin, once again, just shrugs and closes her lunch box with her feet.

"I'll eat it later." I decide to let the two of them handle the conversation themselves.

"I guess I'll catch you two around. Later." I wave to them as I make my way to the door. They give their respective bye's as I open the door and descend down the flight of stairs. Now alone, I take a better look of the stairway. Its dark and rugged, with not a single light on. Kind of creepy, in a way. Eventually I make my way through it and back to room 3-2. I head over to my seat, where Lilly waits my arrival. I already know the question she's going to ask.

"How was lunch with Rin?" Spot on. I grin a bit to myself as I sit down.

"Better then the conversation this morning." We both manage to chuckle at that, but her next rest words are ones I don't see coming.

"Hanako was wondering where you went. She wanted to see that tablet of yours." Huh. That's unexpected. She was... interested in something I have? My grin becomes a soft smile with a slight idea.

"Where does she usually go after classes?" Maybe I can repay the time I wasn't with her at lunch after the afternoon classes. Lilly seems to catch on.

"She usually stays in the Library if she doesn't go directly to her dorm room."

"Ah, thanks." Soon the teacher enters, and we both begin our normal routine of paying attention, taking notes and doing work.

-------

The class seems to go on longer now with the prospect that there is something to look forward to once class is done. Either that, or its just the fact that it's the afternoon going onto evening, and everyone just wants to get out of class. Soon, fate complies and the bell rings to signal the end of class. Everyone gets packed up along with Lilly and I, and I soon rise out of my seat with my backpack and tablet. "I'll see you later Lilly, alright?" She smiles as well and rises.

"Very well, but do be careful with Hanako. She tends to be different when I'm not around." That does seem logical. Hanako sticks around with Lilly so much and feels to comfortable with her, she would only be more reclusive without her there to be with her.

"Note taken. Thanks." We both smile and go along the same path to the second floor, but once there, she heads into the tea room by herself while I continue along the hallway to the library. Once I open the wooden doors, the first thing that hits me is the smell of books itself, something I was quite familiar with. The library is quite big, bigger then most I had seen in my life. Not only are books everywhere, but there are also some students who are listening to some headphones. It must be audio books for those who are blind and don't know braille, or just don't like reading. A woman works furiously at the counter, but I don't mind her. I keep walking along, trying to find the one who I missed out on during lunch on my own fault.

There, in the back. She seems to have already gotten herself deep into a book, secluded in a corner where nobody else is. A part of me wants to leave her in solitude, in peace with her book, but I came here for a reason. I slowly make my way to her, now seeing she had seated herself in a bean bag. Deciding to make my appearance known to her, I take a seat in a bag next to her. My eye spots that she looked at me quickly, but then went right back to her book. I might as well try to play things softly. "Hey Hanako." My head is slightly in her direction, so she at least gets the idea that I'm looking at her.

"H-hi Kezukio." Just as I thought, she's much more shy out here on her own. Perhaps getting to the point will be easier, but I won't know until I try. With that idea in mind, I break the silence in between us.

"Lilly said that you were interested in my tablet, and that you usually hung out here. So I'm here if you still want to see it." This makes her freeze, blush a vivid red, then begin shaking a bit. I instantly regret doing this straight-forward approach until she nods a bit. "Well, here." I take the tablet, awaken it out of sleep mode, unlock it and hold it out to her with one hand. Still shaking a bit, she, very slowly, puts down her book and reaches for the tablet with her left hand. Once she has a grip on it, I let go, and she takes it into her hands, placing it on her lap and looking at it for a bit.

"T-t-thanks...." She actually manages to put out a light smile, something which makes me smile in return.

"You're welcome, its the least I could do since I missed out on lunch with you and Lilly." Her smile widens a bit, and the effect is contagious. Her eyes soon are locked on the piece of technology on her lap, slowly getting the idea of how it works. Then, she notices something that makes her talk again.

"Y-y-you p-play chess?" Ah, she found that app. I chuckle a bit. "Yea, got back into it a few months ago. You want to play?" She looks back at me.

"S-s-sure." My suspicions are confirmed. This blessed device of technology will make conversing with Hanako much easier on us both. She starts up the app, and I face my whole body to her. Soon, the game is on.

-------

The rest of the evening is spent with Hanako, exploring everything that my tablet has to offer. Not just chess, but a lot of the simple puzzle games seem to have gotten her attention. I also show her some of my literature work, which she seems to like. Only when the light coming through the window becomes an orange tint do I realize how much time we've spent here. "Ah, its getting late. I should get working on my homework." I take a look at my tablet and notice it's beginning to run low on battery power. I guess that's another good reason, but every percent of energy used was worth it today. Hanako takes a look out the window and nods.

"Oh, o-okay. I'll see you l-later then." She's still smiling, a great sight to see on her. I take the tablet and put it on sleep mode, take my backpack and rise.

"Bye, Hanako."

"B-bye." With that, I'm off feeling very light, all the way back to my dorm room. I do notice, though, that Rin isn't working on the mural, but I let it slide. However, homework doesn't come first. What does, is my log. After plugging in the tablet into the outlet to begin charging, I make another document.

Log three.

Today has been a big day for me, in more ways then one, but I'll begin with the first few things that happened. On a morning walk, I meet this girl named Rin. She's apparently an artist, working on a mural near the dorms. I woke her up from sleeping on the hard floor, and the conversation that followed... how can I describe it? She's very unique in how she talks, being very straight-forward and questioning with a philosopher-like style. Just that one talk with her, alone in the early morning, was enough to bring back that one side of me I thought was gone, pushed away for so long. But I guess what they say is true; the part of yourself that you constantly suppress only gets stronger. I think something clicked between us two, but I'll be damned if I know exactly what. We just talked nonsense, so much that she actually found my classroom after morning classes and invited me to some lunch on the roof. It turns out we have some things in common I never thought anyone else could have, which is interesting. Emi from day one was there too, which I found pretty hilarious.

But the most interesting thing is that after lunch, Lilly told me that Hanako was interested in my tablet, and wondered where I had gone. Of course, with myself usually taking this kind of initiative, found out from Lilly that she usually hangs out in the library after school ends, so when it did, I went there first. The meeting was shaky and a bit awkward at first, but soon she was engrossed with the piece on technology I have in my hands. She also smiled for the first time since I've seen her, and it was a heart-warming sight. I may not know what exactly caused her to have her burns, but to just see her happy was good enough for me. We stayed until the sun began to go down tinkering around with my tablet, even playing a few games of chess. I'm a bit better then her, it seems, but she plays for fun like I do, so bragging rights aren't something we're fighting over for.

These two events, however, now come to a dilemma for me. Both are very interesting people in their own right, but also gave their own interest in myself, even if for Hanako it was more or less for the tablet. I don't think they know each other directly, and they stay in separate groups, so how am I going to share my time with them both? I'm still very new here compared to the others, true, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't take the initiative to make new friends, right? I barely know each of them, and the only one I might consider a friend in the entire school at this point would be Lilly. I guess everything will fold out in time, but I pray to... well, since the sisters of fate have been playing their game on me, I guess them, that this ends well, somehow. Like yesterday, It's still way too early to be thinking about anything for the future when your present still needs to be stable, and above all I need to make sure I'm also taking care of myself.

Speaking of which, the stack of homework still yearns to be completed, so that shall come next. And wow, I am getting better at logs. Until next time, then.


Now very content with how all of this is going, I save and close the system, going back to the sheets of paper. My mind still drifts sometimes to Hanako and Rin, the spotlights of my log. If I had to make a choice right now between the two... I couldn't. The night continues with this constant battle between concentration and imagination, until eventually the day comes to a close, and I find myself in bed. Somehow, I have a feeling I won't sleep well tonight, but only time will tell. For now, I will try and get some rest.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 6:11 am
by Mirage_GSM
I can feel Lilly's eyes staring at my back,...
Really?
Seems I somehow missed Chapter 3. How exactly is it difficult to explain a tablet? It's a small, flat computer with a touchscreen.

Also I find myself skipping the diary entries, since they are in essence a tl:dr version of the previous chapter...

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:30 am
by gecko
Same problems with the diary.
Although I see you added some new information into them, it's still a lot of repetition. That information could have been introduced without the diaries.

Another point: you should introduce line breaks in dialogues before the speaker changes, or it becomes confusing to read.

On the other hand, the characters are currently well written, so I'll read the next chapters. I just hope your narrator will not turn into a Mary-Sue, he seems a bit too adaptable / liked by everyone currently, but as it's still act 1, I'm not too afraid.