Depressing thoughts
Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:19 pm
I wrote a little and this is the result. I hope you like it.
(Feedback is welcome of course)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I am alone now. Again...
Everything was fine and then, all of a sudden, it became even worse than it has been before. If it is possible at all.
I guess it is just that the past time brought a glimmer of hope into the darkness my mind has been in.
I actually started to believe that life is worth living. I started to have fun. With friends...
At least I thought we were friends until then. But I was wrong.
I never really had the chance to experience friendship. I mean real friendship.
I had some people to hang around with. Playing football and computer games... going somewhere to eat... or to parties. We did these kind of things you do in a clique.
But I never felt like I belonged to it. I felt like the odd one out.No one of them ever really talked to me. Just the usual small talk stuff.
I guess this is one of the reasons why I never had a serious argument with anyone. We had nothing to argue about. They simply didn't know me.
The other one may be that I am rather shy than extrovert. I just stood by and listened to that what the others were talking about. I am that kind of person that only speaks if asked.
And they didn't ask me lot of things. Not to mention important ones or aspects of my personality.
But what they did often was asking me for help. Mostly they asked me to help them with their homework. I was good at school. But it was never important to me. And I was not one of those that is sitting at home and learning for school as if my existence was depending on being the best of class. In fact I never learned for school. I think I just have a good memory and an even grater power of concentration.
My classmates always said that they are jealous about that ability. And I always felt like it was not fair that I get the best marks with doing nothing while others were fagging and drudging and still got a bad mark. And I think the others felt the same way. But they didn't show that.
So I always was the smart helpful guy in class that you may ask for help and he will help you without any service in return.
I was glad to have something to do.
I didn't really have hobbies. I mean I did some things in my free time of course but nothing special.
Reading, sometimes playing football or computer games. That's all I did then.
I started playing chess on a professional level. But although I was quite successful I had not much fun playing that.
I was bored. And there was no progress in my style of playing. At least I thought that. So, to a surprise to all, I stopped playing chess. They said it always seemed like I had fun.
They were right: It just seemed so.
Many people of my age don't have enough time for all their interests. I had a problem that was the total opposite.
When I lived at home I had some days I just came from school, ate, did my homework and then had nothing to do. I sat at my desk, wasted some time with playing computer games and, after they became boring, I just sat there. I was just thinking. About nearly everything: My life, the lives of those I knew, lives of those I didn't know, what way of living is good, which bad, some absolutely boring scientific questions, the language, the massive numbers of intentions and interpretations you can relate to a single sentence or even to a single word, communication, misunderstandings, thinking, crime, death, religion and even the good old meaning of life.
I didn't find an answer to this question, of course, so I thought life is actually senseless.
And it was to me.
To speak from my own perspective: Thinking too much is something that makes you depressed.
But then -before I got totally lost in my mind after years of boredom, loneliness and depressing thoughts- there was this... incident.
A girl has given me a note that she wanted to meet me. A girl wanted to meet me! Alone!
The happenings that followed were another confirmation for my attitude of life.
If something happens that drives off the dark clouds that hang over your thoughts they will come back after a while but then with a destructive storm which is much stronger than the last you have seen.
So as Iwanako's question to date me was the best thing that happened to me in my life, the worst thing happened directly afterwards. I had a heart attack. And I was told that I have to take tons of medicaments so that I won't drop dead any moment.
So the last thing I had never problems with became my biggest at a single blow: My health.
But it wasn't so that the other problems have gone or that they became less intensive.
My classmates and "friends" visited me just in the first few weeks and my parents were very busy with their work so I had a lot of time I was just lying in the bed, unable to walk around. Reading was the only thing I could bring the time around with. The loneliness and boredom I felt at home were nothing compared to that what I experienced at the hospital.
And then -after four months in the hospital that felt like four years- my parents forced me to go to a school for disabled. At first I was angry and my pride was hurt. But then I thought I could take this as a new start. I wanted to leave the past behind me and do something meaningful with my time.
It started quite good: I got to know some people and soon had a similar relationship to them like I had with my "friends" of my old life.
And with most of them it didn't change. But it was different with one of them; at least I thought so.
I got to know her as she ran into me and nearly caused a heart attack to me. Her name is Emi.
To strengthen my heart the Nurse, so is the head nurse here at Yamaku called, told me to exercise daily on the track and, as luck would have it, Emi was the one the Nurse send there to observe me.
We got to know each other better and better and really talked about things that I thought just friends would talk about. She was always so friendly to me that even my exceeding thinking couldn't lower my mood.
I told her about the problems I had, the blankness I felt inside and my difficulties with social interaction. She was a good listener and very understanding. She gave me a totally different feeling than the therapists I had to go to. When I told them about my thoughts they always seemed to pity me.
I hate it when people feel pity on me. I don't need their mercy. It doesn't help anyway.
I thought I could trust her. I thought I could tell her everything and I did.
And what did she do then?
She told her friend Rin my problems.
She told another person my most private problems!
How could she do that to me?
What have I done to her that she was able to betray me?
"Oh, c'mon. It's just Rin. You know her," ; "She won't tell anyone," and "You didn't forbid me to tell anyone," were some of her apologies.
But it was too late to regret. I could see the compassion in Rin's eyes when she knew about my past. I knew whenever she will see me, she will feel sorry. And goddamned, I hate that.
And instead of only telling Rin, she could have passed out some flyers with "Secret stuff about Hisao" printed on it. It doesn't matter how many people she has talked to about that. The fact she did was enough for me.
After that occurrence I barely talked to her during the training and after a while I wasn't even going to the track anymore. The Nurse was very mad at me and tried to force me to go by telling me I would probable die whenever i got stressed, if i neglect my training. But I didn't care anymore.
My life was nothing but torture. I still went to school and was friendly and helpful as ever, but my mind became darker and darker and my feelings became less and less until I felt nothing anymore. In my free time I only sat in my room and contemplated what went wrong in my life. And it was a lot.
I neglected homework, failed in the school tests and my isolation grew bigger. But I didn't care.
Then I didn't take my medication anymore. When I did that I just thought I don't care.
But in retrospect I think, no I know that I did that to die.
Bit it didn't work.
Day after day passed by and I still stayed alive awaiting death or a miracle.
I don't want to wait anymore.
And I stopped believing in miracles ages ago.
So, whoever will find this, I ask you to tell my parents and the people I mentioned here that it's not their fault.
I just don't fit into this world.
Hisao Nakai
(Feedback is welcome of course)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I am alone now. Again...
Everything was fine and then, all of a sudden, it became even worse than it has been before. If it is possible at all.
I guess it is just that the past time brought a glimmer of hope into the darkness my mind has been in.
I actually started to believe that life is worth living. I started to have fun. With friends...
At least I thought we were friends until then. But I was wrong.
I never really had the chance to experience friendship. I mean real friendship.
I had some people to hang around with. Playing football and computer games... going somewhere to eat... or to parties. We did these kind of things you do in a clique.
But I never felt like I belonged to it. I felt like the odd one out.No one of them ever really talked to me. Just the usual small talk stuff.
I guess this is one of the reasons why I never had a serious argument with anyone. We had nothing to argue about. They simply didn't know me.
The other one may be that I am rather shy than extrovert. I just stood by and listened to that what the others were talking about. I am that kind of person that only speaks if asked.
And they didn't ask me lot of things. Not to mention important ones or aspects of my personality.
But what they did often was asking me for help. Mostly they asked me to help them with their homework. I was good at school. But it was never important to me. And I was not one of those that is sitting at home and learning for school as if my existence was depending on being the best of class. In fact I never learned for school. I think I just have a good memory and an even grater power of concentration.
My classmates always said that they are jealous about that ability. And I always felt like it was not fair that I get the best marks with doing nothing while others were fagging and drudging and still got a bad mark. And I think the others felt the same way. But they didn't show that.
So I always was the smart helpful guy in class that you may ask for help and he will help you without any service in return.
I was glad to have something to do.
I didn't really have hobbies. I mean I did some things in my free time of course but nothing special.
Reading, sometimes playing football or computer games. That's all I did then.
I started playing chess on a professional level. But although I was quite successful I had not much fun playing that.
I was bored. And there was no progress in my style of playing. At least I thought that. So, to a surprise to all, I stopped playing chess. They said it always seemed like I had fun.
They were right: It just seemed so.
Many people of my age don't have enough time for all their interests. I had a problem that was the total opposite.
When I lived at home I had some days I just came from school, ate, did my homework and then had nothing to do. I sat at my desk, wasted some time with playing computer games and, after they became boring, I just sat there. I was just thinking. About nearly everything: My life, the lives of those I knew, lives of those I didn't know, what way of living is good, which bad, some absolutely boring scientific questions, the language, the massive numbers of intentions and interpretations you can relate to a single sentence or even to a single word, communication, misunderstandings, thinking, crime, death, religion and even the good old meaning of life.
I didn't find an answer to this question, of course, so I thought life is actually senseless.
And it was to me.
To speak from my own perspective: Thinking too much is something that makes you depressed.
But then -before I got totally lost in my mind after years of boredom, loneliness and depressing thoughts- there was this... incident.
A girl has given me a note that she wanted to meet me. A girl wanted to meet me! Alone!
The happenings that followed were another confirmation for my attitude of life.
If something happens that drives off the dark clouds that hang over your thoughts they will come back after a while but then with a destructive storm which is much stronger than the last you have seen.
So as Iwanako's question to date me was the best thing that happened to me in my life, the worst thing happened directly afterwards. I had a heart attack. And I was told that I have to take tons of medicaments so that I won't drop dead any moment.
So the last thing I had never problems with became my biggest at a single blow: My health.
But it wasn't so that the other problems have gone or that they became less intensive.
My classmates and "friends" visited me just in the first few weeks and my parents were very busy with their work so I had a lot of time I was just lying in the bed, unable to walk around. Reading was the only thing I could bring the time around with. The loneliness and boredom I felt at home were nothing compared to that what I experienced at the hospital.
And then -after four months in the hospital that felt like four years- my parents forced me to go to a school for disabled. At first I was angry and my pride was hurt. But then I thought I could take this as a new start. I wanted to leave the past behind me and do something meaningful with my time.
It started quite good: I got to know some people and soon had a similar relationship to them like I had with my "friends" of my old life.
And with most of them it didn't change. But it was different with one of them; at least I thought so.
I got to know her as she ran into me and nearly caused a heart attack to me. Her name is Emi.
To strengthen my heart the Nurse, so is the head nurse here at Yamaku called, told me to exercise daily on the track and, as luck would have it, Emi was the one the Nurse send there to observe me.
We got to know each other better and better and really talked about things that I thought just friends would talk about. She was always so friendly to me that even my exceeding thinking couldn't lower my mood.
I told her about the problems I had, the blankness I felt inside and my difficulties with social interaction. She was a good listener and very understanding. She gave me a totally different feeling than the therapists I had to go to. When I told them about my thoughts they always seemed to pity me.
I hate it when people feel pity on me. I don't need their mercy. It doesn't help anyway.
I thought I could trust her. I thought I could tell her everything and I did.
And what did she do then?
She told her friend Rin my problems.
She told another person my most private problems!
How could she do that to me?
What have I done to her that she was able to betray me?
"Oh, c'mon. It's just Rin. You know her," ; "She won't tell anyone," and "You didn't forbid me to tell anyone," were some of her apologies.
But it was too late to regret. I could see the compassion in Rin's eyes when she knew about my past. I knew whenever she will see me, she will feel sorry. And goddamned, I hate that.
And instead of only telling Rin, she could have passed out some flyers with "Secret stuff about Hisao" printed on it. It doesn't matter how many people she has talked to about that. The fact she did was enough for me.
After that occurrence I barely talked to her during the training and after a while I wasn't even going to the track anymore. The Nurse was very mad at me and tried to force me to go by telling me I would probable die whenever i got stressed, if i neglect my training. But I didn't care anymore.
My life was nothing but torture. I still went to school and was friendly and helpful as ever, but my mind became darker and darker and my feelings became less and less until I felt nothing anymore. In my free time I only sat in my room and contemplated what went wrong in my life. And it was a lot.
I neglected homework, failed in the school tests and my isolation grew bigger. But I didn't care.
Then I didn't take my medication anymore. When I did that I just thought I don't care.
But in retrospect I think, no I know that I did that to die.
Bit it didn't work.
Day after day passed by and I still stayed alive awaiting death or a miracle.
I don't want to wait anymore.
And I stopped believing in miracles ages ago.
So, whoever will find this, I ask you to tell my parents and the people I mentioned here that it's not their fault.
I just don't fit into this world.
Hisao Nakai
I hope Emi finds Hisao and the note.