Page 4 of 7

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Emi is having a WHAT?: Final)

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 2:07 am
by kosherbacon
Wow, they actually went through with it. Two brand new genki bastards who could HNNG each other.

A couple nitpicks I found on first read:

The guy in charge of a school is the principal.

I'm assuming that the last three paragraphs, or at least the very last one were being told by Miss Hamilton. You might want to insert a break, italicize, or something to differentiate Lela's words from the rest of your narrative.

Anyways, another multipart coming up? Can't wait.

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Emi is having a WHAT?: Final)

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 6:56 am
by Mirage_GSM
The babys were probably supposed to be an addition to the family instead of an edition, weren't they?
Also, Emi had been conceived in a similar way.
Other than that it looks okay.
A bit rushed. It would have been interesting to see a few of the other characters' reactions - especially Rin's ;-)
Maybe when you've got more time later you can add a bit to it...

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Emi is having a WHAT?: Final)

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 10:21 am
by Juno
Don't worry, Rin is bound to be the crazy aunt every family is bound to have.

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Emi is having a WHAT?: Final)

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 4:27 pm
by AapoAlas
I guess it's my responsibility, as an ass, to be an ass.
Careful, the next part is [Personal Opinion]. Also, it's kind of stingy.

I did not like this. The only point of this finale, as far as I see it, was to give everyone a gooey feeling inside, let them know that everyone lived happily ever after.
That is one of the most horrific things a writer can do to his work. The world has been writing terrific (and also horrific) stories for quite probably thousands of years, and you decide to voice the curtain call by using a trick that was old even when knights were still smelly and had tin cans for armour.
I personally would have preferred that the story so far be left hanging, with no actual end in sight. It gives more credit to the reader, lets them actually think for themselves and gives them the idea that you think they can think for themselves. It's also a lot better than a shabby, stiched-together happily-ever-after.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the system, what could've actually been a better end? I'm not quite sure. At least skipping to giving birth wasn't a good one. Maybe a snippet from the early pregnancy time, where Hisao and Emi discuss the new way their life is heading, their plans, their thoughts. Something that is more... Well, more an actual story, less an unneeded epilogue.

Ah well, I've droned on enough. [Personal Opinion] mode turned off.
I hope to read your next stuff, Neuman. Usually I like it a lot *grin* Oh, and sorry for being such an ass. Just thought someone had to.

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show: The Setup)

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 1:06 pm
by neumanproductions
Thanks for both positive and negative feedback as it increases my writing skills. To be honest Aapo, I actually wrote this after watching the entire series of Gurren Lagann. If you haven't seen it you should for it is one of the few anime I have found that actually caused me to cry. Hey don't put me down, that is something I treasure in an anime. I felt like things needed to be placed on a more happy note after I saw the ending and transfered that into my story. It doesn't go on to say what happens that much later so I do leave openness. Also, on your question about skipping straight to the birth, I had decided this would be a three-parter in the beginning and wasn't going to change so the final chapter was just to answer the question at the end of the 2nd. I also promised myself I would work my OC into the story at some point and kind of waited to long.

Now with that settled I would like to present a comedy that came to me while driving to Michigan a few weeks ago and finally wrote yesterday. This is a two-parter and I guarantee you'll guess when the second takes place. I know i'm stretching your imagination here so I get any comments you may have about the situation but I like this style and idea I used. The style actually comes to me after watching the first season of the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya.

Let’s put on a Show: The Setup


“Okay, so the principal said that this has to be simple yet tasteful so let’s see how you guys have been coming along with your jobs.”

Let me give you guys at home some background information on what’s going on here. I, Hisao Nakai, have been selected as one of the directors for a play to be performed for the children in Yamaku School’s kindergarten branch. Directors were handpicked by the principal and asked to each pick a children’s story to perform onstage for the kids. The only reason I was picked is because I am slightly new here and the principal thought it would be a good way for me to work with the other students. I was also told to pick the cast and crew so I ended up piecing together people I had come to know over the last month. I really got to get more guy friends as the majority are girls; some quite strange. Anyways, the children’s story we decided on was ‘The Three Little Pigs’ and I’m currently overseeing preparation for the show on Saturday. Seeing as we were only given a week to get sets, props, and costumes ready I’m a little stressed; seems the principal overlooked my condition when picking me for this job. Whatever, I guess that brings you up to speed so let’s get back to the task at hand.

“Alright let’s see here. How are those costumes coming Emi?”

“Oh, they are looking fantastic!”

“Emi?”

“Yes Hisao?”

“What is this?” I grab, what appears to be some aluminum cans. Wait a minute, these are aluminum cans.

“Those are the pigs’ noses.” She clearly acts as though nothing is wrong.

“I don’t think pigs have ‘creamed corn’ written on their noses. The least you could try to do is paint them.”

“Well, what do you expect from the budget you’re giving me?”

“Budget? We don’t have a budget. We have to make do with what we have on hand and in the drama closet.”

“The only things in that closet of use were random sets of clothing. It’s not like a high school has animal costumes lying around.”

“At least Kenji had his own wolf costume.” Don’t ask me why he has one because I’d rather not think about it.

“That reminds me. Why didn’t we choose ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ instead? We had the wolf and everything else I could have assembled from the drama closet.”

“Because Lelouch already called that one remember,” Seems like that guy always gets what he wants. “Anyways, please see what you can do about those cans. I have to check how everything else is going.”

That damn Lelouch always seems to find some way of making my life worse. I can still remember that stupid smirk he gave me when I first arrived.

“That jerk is probably laughing his ass of right about…”

“Um H-hisao?”

“Oh, Hanako. Sorry, I was talking to myself,” You might be asking yourself what Hanako would be doing here; considering her dislike of being around so many people. Well, I wanted to help Hanako become more confident in herself so I asked if she would like to co-direct with me. She was hesitant at first but eventually accepted my offer. I also have slight feelings towards her and this seemed like a perfect excuse to spend some extra time together. “How are things going with the houses?”

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to tell you. You p-probably aren’t going to like this but um… Shizune didn’t like the way they looked and well, they all quit.”

“Who all quit?”

“All the guys working on the houses. Shizune and the rest of the pig cast are building their own as we speak.”

“Well this is just…wait, how is that working out for Lilly?”

“Actually I helped her finish. I think Shizune finally realized what she had done and left us to work on it in peace.”

“So the first house is done at least.” Great, now that just leaves Shizune to deal with. I really am getting tired of her actions.

“Correct.”

“Guess I’ll still have to take a look at it then. Thanks Hanako, you’re a big help.”

I give her a pat on the head, she seems to like it, and head towards the auditorium where the sets are being built. Why again did I let Shizune in this group? Oh that’s right, I didn’t. Shizune and Misha seemed to invite themselves and I really couldn’t tell them to leave so I ended up giving them the part of the 3rd pig just to make them happy. Yes, it does make perfect sense that they would be playing one character together. They share the same brain anyways.

Walking in, I could see the other groups busily working on their own sets. Lucky for me Lelouch was nowhere in sight. I honestly have no patience to deal with him at the momen…oh my god.

“Kenji, what the hell is that?”

“I might be the one to ask you that very same question. I go to take my costume off the rack and I find this,” He is wearing the wolf costume but it seems that new features had been added to it. A giant bow and dress are sewn right onto it. “And look what I found along with it!”

He hands me a note that appears to have been pinned onto the costume. ‘Obviously we can’t have a naked wolf so I thought it be best if there was something sensible to wear. Who says the wolf has to be a male anyways? Emi’ She even drew a picture of what looks like herself giving a thumps up, sort of.

“Well, um… it does make sense,” in some form of the word. After all, men played the role of women in Shakespeare’s time why not the reverse.

“This is the entire opposite of manly Bro! I want this stuff removed on the double!” Since when did he start calling me Bro?

“Alright, I’ll talk to Emi about it and get your costume back to its’ raunchy, old self.” I must admit that it does look better than before.

Leaving Kenji to wallow in his pool of agony, I finally make it to the back of the stage and decide to talk to Lilly first. Her straw house actually looked rather well done.

“Things seem to be running smoothly for your house Lilly.”

“Hisao is that you? Yes, but I couldn’t have done it without Hanako.”

“She told me what happened. Did Shizune really blow her top like I think she did?”

“Your expectations might have to reach a bit higher for this one. Honestly, for someone to get so worked up over something so simple is beyond me.”

“I know what you mean. I remember how much she was drilling into you before the festival.”

“Believe me Hisao you caught her on a good day. I’m also used to it so I know how to deal with it unlike other people.”

“Anyways, the house looks great so I guess there will be no need to check on you till the show.”

“Oh, but do stop by soon Hisao.”

“Lilly, we’ll meet up with each other during lunch tomorrow. It’s not like I’m going someplace far away.”

“Right, well, until then.”

I leave Lilly and move onto the next of my worries. How on earth was Rin supposed to build her house? Okay now I know this looks to familiar.

“Rin, you certainly have an interesting looking house there.”

“You like it?”

“Kinda resembles the Eeyore residence doesn’t it?” Sure enough Rin had a multitude of large sticks stacked up into a simple tent shape that looked like it had been ripped right out of Winnie the Pooh.

“If you’re implying I put it together with my teeth, then you’re only half right.”

“That’s not what I…wait, you were using your teeth?” I’ve heard of armless people using their teeth to drive and stuff but picking up sticks was new to me.

“A few splinters in my lips and mouth but I could use the extra fiber.” Remember kids; don’t put things like sticks and foreign objects in your mouth. Rin’s a professional.

“Okay, whatever you say. I was looking for a rustic appeal so I guess that’s about as rustic as you can get. Good work then Rin and bye for now.”

“Am I going somewhere?”

“No Rin, you’re staying.” Sometimes I think she acts like that on purpose.

I continue on to the biggest problem; Shizune. Actually I don’t need to search for her because I know where she’s hiding. A two story construction of cardboard boxes built to resemble a castle more than a house crowds the other side of the backstage. I knock on the door of the towering structure. Hearing noises coming from the other side, I begin opening the door when Misha barges out knocking me onto the floor.

“Hicchan, what are you doing on the floor?” Her voice seems as though she was nervous at first but quickly changes to a sarcastic tone. My response really doesn’t care to analyze the reasoning.

“What am I doing on the…You rammed into me like a locomotive!” Riled up as I am, I easily realize that her bombardment has no effect on my heart. Different from my first encounter with Emi, there seems to be no pain at all. Maybe it’s like the chickenpox or something that it only happens once. Sure, that makes about as much sense as a guy who gets his feet cut off can’t get athletes’ foot. Wait, that does make sense; whatever. “Misha, how did you manage to build this so fast?”

“Well, when me and Shicchan put our strength and resolve into it there isn’t anything we can’t do.”

“Where was this resolve when we, or should I say I was building all those stalls for the school festival?”

“Who cares, it’s done and better than what those idiots would have made.”

“It might be but you stuck Lilly, Hanako and Rin with having to make the other houses.”

“Isn’t that what the pigs are supposed to do?” Well, Misha certainly has her own qualities to fit that description.

“It’s not like we’re reliving the actual story here. You know what; just let me talk to Shizune.” I walk back to the door but Misha disrupts my advance by clutching me tightly against her body. Oh great, my heart isn’t affected by a hard hit to the chest but Misha’s large, soft breasts pressing against my back causes a rapid pounding to start ringing through my ears. Did I mention the large and soft part? There goes the PG rating.

“Why do you want to see her when you’ve got me?” She continues speaking seductively into my ear and grips me tighter. This would be one of those times where the male character of an anime would cry out, ‘This is the pinnacle of my life so take me now! It’s all downhill from here!’ I’m not that desperate though.

“Misha, please let me go!” I manage to pry myself away only to fall thought the door of the cardboard castle.

---------------------------------------------

“Why! Why! Hanako do we have any brain bleach?!”

“I don’t think so.”

“It was a rhetorical question! God damn you Lelouch!” She cowers into a corner. Fear ravages through her entire body and reflects in her eyes.

“I, I’m sorry Hanako. I’m just a little on edge right now.”

If you want to know what happened let’s just say that Lelouch seems to have me beaten on two manly plains and I have a new opinion of Shizune. I also have no clue on how I survived that ordeal. Maybe all those H-games over the years have dulled my vision, yet a love confession in reality throws me in a hospital for 4 months. Or maybe it’s the meds I’ve been on.

“I-it’s alright H-hisao. J-just try and f-forget it,” Hanako is still shaking from the scare I gave her awhile ago as she tries to comfort me. I think that’s only making things worse as my mind transplants me and Hanako into Lelouch and Shizune’s positions. I unconsciously smile. “There, you’re l-looking better already.”

If only you really knew what I was thinking Hanako.

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show: The Setup)

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 3:18 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Hehe, nice...
One Hisoa at the beginning and a bit down he complains about not having any patients. I think he should worry about his lack of patience instead.
The narration is a bit unconventional. At some points Hisao is adressing the reader directly, as if he were in the room with him, at others... not. Gives the whole a bit of an inconsistent feel.
Otherwise an entertaining read. Looking forward to the next part.

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show: The Setup)

Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:57 am
by Leotrak
Mirage_GSM wrote: The narration is a bit unconventional. At some points Hisao is adressing the reader directly, as if he were in the room with him, at others... not. Gives the whole a bit of an inconsistent feel.
I'm guessing that's the Suzumiya Haruhi bit Neuman was referring to :P

Fun read, though ^_^

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show: The Setup)

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 1:16 am
by kosherbacon
Remember kids; don’t put things like sticks and foreign objects in your mouth. Rin’s a professional.
Nice.

And now, I feel an even stronger urge to smack that bastard LeLouch than ever before. Um, congratulations?

I for one liked this narrative style. I had almost forgotten how much of a smart-ass Hisao is with his own internal monologue in the game. It works well here.

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show:Its Showtime)

Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 3:23 am
by neumanproductions
Here is more from the crazy man that you love to complain about. Don't worry, other people will be referenced in future stories so don't be sad. I have a special guest appearance by a favorite girl of mine and there is a special suprise inside one of the hottest topics on the KS forums. You knew I was going to use it so don't act suprised. :wink:
May I present part 2 of what very well could be a 3 parter now. I'm so devious. :twisted:

Let’s put on a Show: It’s Showtime

As the title says, today is Saturday which means all this work is about to pay off; I hope. If you’re wondering what the rest of the week had been like; uneventful. Emi took the dress and bow off of Kenji’s costume so he was back to his old, crazy self. He even stole Lilly’s cane claiming it was some sort of offensive weapon for the feminist forces. Luckily I was able to stop her before she accidently walked off the stage. Emi’s folks then overreacted when they heard their daughter was making costumes for a show and donated material that she instantly transformed into the most ridiculous looking pig costumes I’ve ever seen. This meant, of course, that Shizune got pissed and had her parents custom order her a costume and deliver it that night. At least Misha being happy with Emi’s design and no more Lelouch incidents was relief enough for me. See, just like I told you; uneventful.

Our segment was to take place immediately after Lelouch and his ‘Red Riding Hood’. Once again he gets whatever he wants as he convinced the principal to, almost, forcibly make us lend him Kenji’s wolf costume. You’d think that guy had the power to control people or something.

“Hisao, after this performance is over we’ve got three minutes to get everything set up.”

“Thanks for the heads up Hanako. Three minutes should be plenty of time to lug the houses onto the stage.”

“Hey Hisao! I think we should update the story a bit.”

“We can’t change anything now that it’s already be approved by the principal.” I know I’m going to regret this. “I’m afraid to ask Kenji but what was it you had in mind?”

“Well, the three pigs are criminals and the wolf is the macho-cop come to bust up there syndicate.”

“What sort of syndicate?”

“Each of their houses is a base of operation. It’s so simple. We got the weed house, the stick-em house and the whore house.”

“Wait, that last one doesn’t …” Now I get it. The only person I spoke to about that incident was Hanako. Does that mean she somehow let it slip to Kenji or was there some other reason? “Kenji, how did you find out about that?”

“After I got done bitching to you about the costume I was wandering around and my highly trained ears picked up some interesting sounds. They were coming from that giant, cardboard structure and so I used my pocketknife to cut a small hole in it.”

“How were you even able to make out who they were?”

“Come on man I’m legally blind, that doesn’t mean I actually am. I’ve gotten out of a lot of tight corners with that ace.”

“So you saw the whole thing?”

“I could have seen more if you hadn’t barged in. Always gotta ruin my fun for your own sexual desires. Tisk, tisk, tisk.”

“My sexual…you’re the one who was knowingly watching it! Besides I’m not into that sort of stuff!”

“Guess that explains why you’re hanging around the number one virgin in school.”

“I like things at a slow pace. As you recall, the reason I’m here is because of a sudden love confession.” Despite my desires, rushing into things to fast would probably cause my heart to explode.

“I’ll give you props for having such patients. Just don’t ruin it for anyone else next time.”

“Whatever Kenji, just get yourself ready for the show.” Did I mention before how I really need to get other guy friends? By the way…

“Has anyone seen Emi?”

“I haven’t seen her.”

“Neither have I.”

Have you guys at home seen her? Wait, what am I asking you for? This isn’t ‘Blue’s Clues’ you know.

“Hey Lela, have you seen Emi running around?”

“I haven’t seen her either. Do you need her for something?”

“No, I was just wondering since I thought she would like to be here.” It really is odd that nobody has seen her. Normally she would be running about probably commenting on all the props and costumes she saw.

“Hisao, Lelouch’s show just finished up.”

“Alright everybody, three minutes to get everything ready. Let’s move it people.” I have to admit, it’s nice to be in charge when you can make commands like this.

(Inside the mind of Hisao)
“Steady all main cannons! Turn port-side ninety degrees. Charge the main laser.”

“All systems are in the green captain.”

“Sir, the enemy is approaching us at tremendous speed! I think they plan on ramming us!”

“What the hell! Raise all shields immediately, double-front!”

“It’s too late sir!”

“Brace for impact!” The ship shakes ferociously from the force of impact. “Damage report 1st Skipper Hanako.”

“All weapons systems are offline. T-they seemed to have been targeting the main generator. The backup is functioning with only enough capacity to power simple systems and life-support.”

“Who the hell in their right mind would ram a ship twice their size only to make us both un-operational.”

“Incoming transmission, sir.”

“On screen!”

“Greetings old friend.”

“Kenji you bastard! I should have known it was you.”

“And lucky for you my main weapons are also off line. Guess that means the K-bots will have to deal with you.” For those who can’t see or have any idea what’s going on, a K-bot is modeled after Kenji himself but with even more destructive power. Yep, I didn’t think that was possible either. “Goodbye now.”

“All hands man your weapons!”

“Hisao?”

“I told you its Captain Hisao on duty 1st Skipper Hana…why are you wearing a school uniform?”

“Hisao, hello?”
(Back to reality)

“What…oh Hanako it’s you.”

“You were daydreaming again, weren’t you?”

“No.” She chuckles under her breath.

“What was it about this time?” Yes, this does happen on occasion if that’s what you’re wondering.

“Some other time, we have a show that must go on.”

“Right, as I was trying to tell you, everything is ready.”

“Okay then, time to open up the curtain.”
________________________________________________

Well, it seems everything went relatively close to plan. Instead of blowing down the houses though, Kenji decided that the wolf had to trash them to pieces. Bits of hay, sticks and even cardboard littered the stage. Luckily we were the last group to perform so we took our time cleaning up the mess. However, Kenji told us he had somewhere to be, Emi was still nowhere to be found, and Shizune and Misha left somewhere without telling us; I can only imagine what they are doing now.

There was a small social event being held in the cafeteria for the casts and children but I decided to head back to my room instead. I really don’t feel like hanging around, listening to other students bragging as though they just took part in a Broadway musical or something. It wasn’t anything big in the least but I probably deserved a salary with what I dealt with throughout the week. Opening my door, I notice a large box taking up residence on the floor.

“That’s creepy.” The box begins to shake and move about. Alright, now that is really creepy. I’ll probably end up finding a gremlin in it. Or maybe it’s a leprechaun. I could use a free wish. Wait, what is this a fairytale?

“Guess I’ll just have to open it.”

“Mmmph, mmph.”

“Emi!” I said we were keeping this PG-13 at the most! How the hell did we end up with X-rated material? Emi was tied in such a way that Stephan Hawking would gain feeling where there normally is none. All the leather was tantalizing to the eye and okay, the pink gag was a nice touch…what am I saying?

(Cartoony Devil and Angle appear inside the mind of Hisao)
“This is the perfect opportunity you moron! Take it while you have the chance!”

“Yea, she’s just sitting there waiting for you to take advantage of her.”

“I thought you were supposed to tell me the right thing to do.”

“This is the right thing to do!”

“What kind of angel would say something like that?”

“You know Zansu from ‘Bludgeoning Angel Dokuro Chan’?”

“Um, I believe so.”

“I’m his 100% straight cousin.”

‘Okay forget you two. We obviously need a better writer.’
(Back to reality)

“Mmmph, mmmph!”

“Emi, how did this happen to you?” I immediately start untying the ropes which had been restricting her movement.

“Mmmph, mmph.”

“Oh right, would be smart to take that off first.” I guess if this was Shizune I would have been in the right untying her first.

“Mmmph…That *bleep bleep* of a *bleep bleep bleep*. I’m going to take a stick and *bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep* on his side!” So the network censors this but they are fine with everything else. Who’s running this show, a blind man?

“Calm down Emi. Can you explain in terms that I can understand?” I don’t speak censor.

“I was on my way to the stage when someone jumped me. I didn’t recognize the voice, sounded artificial in nature, but before I knew it everything went dark. I woke up inside this box and couldn’t yell because of the gag and had a hard time moving with this on.”

“Why don’t you change out of that. I have some cloths you can put on for the time being.” I grab a shirt and pair of sweat pants from my dresser. Emi’s prosthetics were luckily included in the box but I wasn’t sure if she was wearing anything underneath that bondage suit.

“As much as you would love to see Hisao, I suggest you turn around.”

“Oh, sorry about that.”

“And no peeking.”

I turn a full 180 after handing Emi the cloths I gathered. Why do these situations always seem to happen to me? First the event with Shizune and now this; also, how come I didn’t die from seeing her like that. Any man would have had an increased heart rate at the sight of it but I seem to be in normal conditions. Hmph, based on my luck I’ll find out I’m secretly gay. So secret, that I don’t even know about it. Okay, let’s put that thought away for the time being. What I would really like to know is who would have a grudge against Emi or just hate her so much as to do this.

‘Hey don’t look at me. I had nothing to do with it.’

‘Fine, I believe you Kosher.’

Come to think of it, they could have very well raped her and placed her in my room to frame me.

“Alright Hisao, I’m all done changing.”

“Um Emi, you don’t think that I did this to you; right?”

“Of course not. You don’t have the nerve to try something like this.” I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or as an insult.

“What about reporting this to the school?”

“Are you kidding? If word got out about something like this happening to me I would die of embarrassment. Swear to me that the contents of this little episode will not leave this room.” Sure, a statement like that makes perfect sense here.

“But don’t you want to get the person or persons back for what they did to you?”

“Well, there doesn’t seem to be anything broken,” HINT, HINT. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I wanted to have this happen to me. I’ll conduct my own investigation though and will be taking this stuff as evidence.” She takes everything she had previously been wearing and places it in the box.

“Perhaps you best make sure no one can see inside.” I hand her the roll of tape I had stashed in my drawer. After sealing the box she lifts it into her arms and asks if I would open the door. It must be a light load for she balances it without much effort.

“Thanks for the clothes Hisao. I’ll make sure to bring them back all washed up for you.” I wave to her before locking myself inside.

This has definitely been one of the strangest weeks I have ever had. Collapsing on my bed I start to close my eyes as one final though pops into my mind.

‘Is it wrong for me to prefer she didn’t wash them?’

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show:Its Showtime)

Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 4:12 am
by Leotrak
*snickers* Very nice, very nice indeed :P You had me snickering throughout the whole thing ^_^

This Hisao would make for a perfect Kyon, by the way... Or is that on purpose?

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show:Its Showtime)

Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 12:11 am
by TipsyRooster
This is hilarious. Just like Dokuro-Chan.

Also, when you mentioned Kosher, I imagined it was hisao looking up as if he were talking to god.

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (Let's put on a Show:Its Showtime)

Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:51 pm
by kosherbacon
‘Hey don’t look at me. I had nothing to do with it.’

‘Fine, I believe you Kosher.’
Oh come on... I don't dislike her that-
(10:53:43 PM) esa: Also, based on official character data, Misha is apparently not fat
(10:54:23 PM) eatkosherbacon: Yes, lol
(10:54:28 PM) eatkosherbacon: she must be inflatable
(10:54:37 PM) esa: anyway, consider this: Emi is taller than that tiny girl you mentioned
(10:54:47 PM) eatkosherbacon: ... not if you knock her legs off
(10:55:00 PM) esa: who would do that?
(10:55:06 PM) esa: (inb4 you would)
(10:55:13 PM) eatkosherbacon: I wou- FUCK
(10:55:25 PM) esa: *smug*
...nevrmind

Anyways, that last line in this latest chapter had me cracking up :lol:

Also, the plural form of those thingies people wear to not be naked are "clothes."

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (AR Chapter 6 of Victory Days)

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 11:31 pm
by neumanproductions
It really has been sometime since my last fanfic but here is something I promised to do.
For those of you who don’t know this story I encourage you to read it as I have probably butchered the entire thing with this makeshift alternate chapter. Those who were fans of the original might or might not like where this one goes depending on your taste so this is my warning in case I totally ruin the original for you. This style of writing isn’t really my thing but I’ll try it this one time and see if it grows on me. Anyways off we go.

To the Victor go the Spoils (An alternate chapter 6 of Victory Day by Mirage_GSM)

With a determined stride, I went to the door of the tea room, opened it and went inside. My feet froze instantly to the floor as what I beheld was not Hisao, but rather a struggling blonde handcuffed to the same chair I had only witnessed Hisao restrained to a few moments ago. Misha dashed past me and promptly started to undo the gag that had been restricting Lilly’s voice from being heard.

My mind turned to a more pressing matter as I immediately began surveying the room looking for any sign of the culprit. There was no way he could have escaped out the window because of the floor we’re on nor left through the door as we would have seen him as we approached. I was scraping at every corner of my brain till I realized that we had the whole thing on tape.

Kenji’s equipment was designed to record everything so that meant I could look at the footage to find out what happened. Those knots must have been ultra tight as Misha was still trying to untie Lilly while I darted back to the surveillance room. I tried opening the door but forgot we had locked it, and ended up fumbling for the key in my pocket. Finally, having unlocked the door, I turned on the screen and noticed not one, but two human figures tied to chairs.

The first I recognized as Lilly yet it was the identity of the second that drew my mind into a chasm of fear. It couldn’t be humanly possible but there was the proof right into front of my eyes; Misha restrained in a mirror form to that of Lilly. I instantly rewound the recording to find nothing but static between the time we left this room and entered the tea room along with the time I left the tea room and saw Misha restrained on the screen. To me, it felt like I had been placed into a horror movie of sorts; I couldn’t abandon them.

Slowly, I crept back towards the tea room hoping for someone to pass by that may help; none came. This time around the door creaked as I steadily, tiptoed towards Misha and began untying her. My glasses almost slipped from their place when my eyes caught a lone figure by the doorway.

Good evening Shizune. I trust you have been enjoying our little game. It was no doubt the boy I had come to now see as a monster. What’s the matter? I thought you enjoyed playing games that involve, how would you say, complete dominance?

I suppressed as much fear as I could and initiated my response. And what, pray tell, is the strategy of this game? He cracked a smile that perhaps would make a lion cower in fear.

A game of deception, much like chess; I really must thank Hanako for giving me that analogy. Simply by using your paws, you can lure your opponent into a false sense of victory only to have their confidence and pride collapse when you announce, ‘checkmate’. My face started to buckle into a mixture of anger and confusion. That look of yours was always something that turned me on. But alas, such beauty is always wasted on the undeserving. My fists tightened as his words were gnawing at me with increasing strength. Hold on, I guess I better explain before you go nuclear on me. Simply put, that little technique of your friend there has turned out to be quite the Fountain of Youth for me. An increase in endurance, strength, mental power, and if I must say length are only a few of the advantages I have obtained.

I immediately return this explanation. There’s no possible way that can be true. There is no such, technique, as you would put it.

Oh, but there is. Misha’s form was incomplete because the power could only be fully mastered by a true man. I was easily able to overpower her and she surrendered in a most, pleasing way. Ha, she even tried to warn you but you wouldn’t listen. Such a bad girl she is.

You still haven’t explained yourself.

That’s right, you actually thought that the war against the feminist forces was a fictitious, manifestation of a deranged man. I’m going to love telling you this. Just so you know, I’ve been named one of the 4 Lieutenants Engaging Against Feminists.

4LEAF? Wait, that means there are more of you?

You already know Kenji as being one. He is the strategist while I have become the more hands on guy. We also got our research expert, codenamed ‘Kosher’, and the fourth I haven’t even met myself. I think he’s stationed near Canada or something. There was no possible way he could be telling the truth. It sounded like something out of a horribly written fanfic. However, I couldn’t deny the situation I was in. There was only one chance, and that was to distract Hisao long enough for me to dial for help on my cell phone. Hopefully, Hisao was still as arrogant as ever, as I put on a defiant face.

So then, what is it you plan on doing? Hopefully he would start gloating again to provide enough of a distraction.

I suppose, a loser should understand how they became that way. This was just the chance I needed. Slipping my hand to the phone in my pocket, I instinctly dialed 110 and hoped they would hear all he was about to say as his lips moved naturally in correlation with his hands. After Kenji had told me about the technique sweet Misha here used against him, I decided to experiment and soon discovered that I had a godly mastery of it. Kenji was thrilled at this prospect and immediately requested to the Anti-Feminist council that I be placed with him as one of the 4 Lieutenants on the spot. Of course the best way to strengthen myself was to have sex with as many girls as possible. I started gradually with Hanako as my first warm-up and then gradually worked to more difficult prey. The technique itself draws strength only from virgins, so Misha here was just a testing point to see if I had surpassed her. I would have never gotten this opportunity to have my way with Lilly if you hadn’t convinced her to join you in this game. I’ll place her panties right next to the other trophies of mine; hehe. Despite the perverted comments, my mouth started to turn into a strong grin and my eyes turned into projectors of victory.

You made a miscalculation against me Hisao. You might have had the ‘check’ but the ‘checkmate’ is mine.

Really? Were you referring to the disconnected phone in your pocket? What?! I quickly retract the cell phone from its resting place and read the screen. ‘Your number has been disconnected.’ Kenji really is a wiz with technology as well. That text you sent earlier was no problem to have remotely scrambled and replaced with one calling off your whole plan. The ‘checkmate’ I’m afraid belongs to me this time. Oh, and I forget to tell you of your fate.

Y-you can’t be planning…

Oh heavens no. You’re worthless to me now, but Lilly on the other hand is ripe for the picking.

Then what about myself and Misha?

Well, I could have you captured and taken back to headquarters but I’m not that bad of a guy. Instead, I’ll just have your memories synthetically replaced since the night Kenji and you had your false truce. Good night Shizune.

What do you mean… I felt a slight blow to the back of the head and then everything went dark.

----------------------------

What happened last night? Oh that’s right, disappointment in myself was all I had to show for it. Even after the reputation I knew he had, I was still willing to have sex with him.

Pressing my glasses onto my face I notice a note lying on my desk. ‘Your addition to my collection will be one of my most prized, placed right next to Misha’s. Remember; To the Victor go the Spoils. -Hisao’

What is he talking about? And why can’t I find my politically correct panties?

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (AR Chapter 6 of Victory Days)

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:21 am
by Mirage_GSM
You took this one in a completely unexpected direction ^_^
One minor nitpick: They don't dial 911 in Japan. The correct number for this situation would be 110.
Are you going to continue this story further or is this supposed to be the end?
And who is this guy in Canada supposed to be?

Re: The New stuff of a Neuman (AR Chapter 6 of Victory Days)

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:37 pm
by neumanproductions
Mirage_GSM wrote:You took this one in a completely unexpected direction ^_^
One minor nitpick: They don't dial 911 in Japan. The correct number for this situation would be 110.
Are you going to continue this story further or is this supposed to be the end?
And who is this guy in Canada supposed to be?
Thanks for the heads up with the dialing thing, i'll fix that and record for the future. I'm just going to leave the story where it is. It was just supposed to be an alternate version of your one chapter and technically epilogue if you count where Shizune wakes up till the end. The statement in the story is somewhere near Canada, so if you know your geography and any knowledge of NFL teams than you might guess who that is on the forums here. :mrgreen: