Katawa Shoujo Forums

Hello there all. I was expected to write a story for a summer assignment for one of my first classes in college. 100 pages, 12 point font. So far it is at around 50 in 10 point font so i can expand it if the story loses momentum. I wanted you guys to see the first bits of it, to tell me if it is crap. I have scrapped it 5 times in the past month, and want to see if this is worthy of use.

I don't see myself as an amazing writer, so i shall be open to all criticism, don't worry i won't cry too hard.

Well, here, and by the way, the premise was a story in first person that was detailed enough to imagine what would be going on there, i premised the characters before the story to save a bit of space in the story itself, i might fix that but meh, soo. here goes. The first couple parts.

Its Autumn, Leaves are falling all around, dying gracefully on the branches of now dead looking trees, such a vast contrast to the lively atmosphere of summer during the festival and happier times there is a light snowfall on the ground, reminding me of a time almost a year ago now, a time I would not wish to remember, the reason I am here… However, the serene scene ahead of me is calming, there is a very light snowfall at the campus, making it an almost muted beauty, so quiet, no one is there to disturb the scenery… Maybe that’s what is wrong, why is there no one outside? Oh… right becau-

“Nakai,”

Muto… Class, that’s why it’s so empty, oh well, time to pretend to pay attention again.

“Yes?” I respond as unenergetically as he called my name.

“Are you daydreaming again? I don’t think the window has the answers to the upcoming exam on it.”

“No, you are right, I was just distracted, sorry sir.”

… He had already gone back to his mono-toned soliloquy about something related to science, I had little idea, however, on paying attention, after all, why bother when he is doing nothing but reading directly out of a book, except the small print and non moving images make the lesson more exciting than muto ever could. He keeps drolling on, I start to daze again, but am interrupted again, but this time by someone else.

“PSST! Hicchan!” Misha, as quiet as usual I see, since the entire left half of the class noticed, and most of the right half too it seems. Her beaming face is over my shoulder looking at me, one of her pink curls resting on my shoulder, now that we are friends she is always up front and in my personal bubble, which isn’t a bad thing, if it wasn’t for the fact that she could be 20 yards away and still hold an audible conversation… At a concert.

“What’s up? I am in class, so I am sorta busy, didn’t know if you noticed, but you are in class too, the same on as luck would have it.” As if my attempts to brush her aside would help, she smiles and I know from that alone that she is going to use that as something in her rebuttle.

“Of course I am! It’s how I can talk to you!” Of course! Why didn’t I realize that in the first place? How silly of me, I turn to face her, my face coming within inches of her, this at least, makes her back up in order to not bump noses if either of us move, no need for awkward moments it seems.

“…” I can see shizune signing something to misha out of the corner of my eye, I haven’t taken enough sign language lessons with Misha to make out anything other than “Hicchan” and “Food” two very important words of course.

“Shicchan wants to know what you are planning for lunch? If you aren’t busy, would you like to come into town with us to the Shanghai?” the tea shop, usually that means there will be work in my future, I could however try to find a way to get away, maybe I’ll use emi, rin, or Lilly as an excuse, no scratch Lilly, that won’t go over well with Shizune…

“Hmm, let me think about it for a bit.”

“…!”

“WAHAHAHA!~ Good! Then it’s all settled! Alrighty, after class we are going!” No tact, now the class is looking at us out of the corner of their eyes, and muto has taken notice, which is tough to do.

“Wait, I didn’t say… oh nevermind, fine.” I just want to end this to stop the looks, its odd enough being friends with them, since they turn out to be disliked by anyone who ever does volunteer work for the school, between Misha’s way of talking and Shizune’s orders and competitive spirit, I can see why, but their liveliness is what helps me enjoy a brighter side of life that I hadn’t had for a while when I first got here.


The rest of the class passes normally, with only a few minor snickers from Misha, who is trying her hardest not to shake the earth with her laugh when not needed. The snowfall has increased outside, starting to cover the barren leaf litter with a white blanket, it is as if the snow is covering the death and pain, much as the students in the school cover it up and are all considered normal… absolutely no one really takes major notice to the problems of each other, I am starting to learn how to do the same, especially when people have external problems, such as Rin, Emi, or-


“..U-umm….H-hi Hiaso…” Hanako. Surprised that she is talking to me during a class, I smile at her to try and confort her, she is covering her eye to try and hide her scars, she is also wearing a glove on her right hand, using the colder weather as an excuse, she reminds me of myself, which is a sad thought, she is so afraid to show herself… she doesn’t believe she is truly beautiful, even if she was completely scarred, she is a wonderful person, she should learn to be more confident, but her shyness is what makes her so intriguing.

“Hey Hanako! What’s up?” I strain to hear her next words as she barely speaks above a whisper, Misha and Shizune are not even paying attention to me, as they are busy talking in sign language, which is good, or else Hankako would have long fled.

“ W-well Lilly wanted to know… if you wanted know if you wanted to stop by today… if you aren’t busy” I smile, Lilly must not have liked the fact that I haven’t shown up for about a week now, all things considered, with running in the morning, and dealing with the student council, I like to think I make good attendance during lunch.

“Well, I kind of got roped into something for lunch, but how about dinner or later in the night?” Hanako gives a furtive glance towards Misha and Shizune, understanding what I meant and nods quickly.

“S-sure, I’ll talk to her.” And with that she scuffled back off. Surprising that she would even talk around Misha and Shizune since that festival and many other face-offs between Lilly and Shizune. By this time the two are staring at her, wondering most likely, about what they just missed. I use this distraction and make a half hearted attempt to pack up and prepare to leave quickly, I’d rather eat on the roof, as at least there I am not assigned to work, which I don’t feel in the mood for truth be told.

“WAHAHA, were you that excited to go with us Hicchan? Or…. Were you trying to leave without us?” And with that, Shizune puts on a face of legitimate hurt, once again making me feel guilty. Sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with so many girls when they can do that so easily. Even I know Shizune is not truly sad, it’s just that I can’t deny it makes me feel bad, much as Emi does to me if I ever start to stray from our running plan.


Outside the classroom is brisk and quiet even with the slight lunch rush, the entrance is still rather uninhabited, as most people do not bother to leave campus, why would they? The towns people thinks that most of them are freaks or odd, I realize how lucky we three are with no outward signs of disability, if we were to remove our uniforms we would blend in almost perfectly with the “normal” people, just a typical kid with two girls, one who is rather loud, and the other who is unnaturally quiet. The snow crunches underneath our feet, and I realize that it has been surprisingly quiet, why has Misha not laughed?


I turn around and look, to see that I am alone, I look ahead and the road is empty too, a slight fog from the snow has settled up ahead on the road to town, leaving an eerie feeling. I start to turn back when-

“Oomph!” I get hit in the face with a snowball. Figures, there is just enough snow to make one, and I get hit with the first one made.

“Wahahahaha! Weren’t paying attention were you Hicchan? That’ll show you!” She puts her hands on her hips and gives me a wide smile. Determined not to get caught up in this, I turn and continue towards town, after all, its cold, there is tea or coffee to be had, and it is free.

With me walking, I realize that the fog is much thicker than I originally thought, which might actually be a boon and a harm at the same time, I wander slightly off the path, and finally hear Misha’s voice fade away into the silence, however, I am not lost in the wooded area outside the school, which isn’t a bad thing, I know the way back, roughly, so I’ll be fine. It is then that I see an open pasture… with one tree in it alone…


The tree is without leaves, the snowfall is delicate, the weather is calm otherwise. I get a major sense of deja’ vu, I know the place that my arrhythmia originally manifested itself was much further away from here, but it seems so similar, all that needs to happen now is someone needs to walk up behind and call my name.



And as a heads up, if you guys actually think it might be going somewhere, pick two groups of girls, either Shizune+ Misha, Emi+ Rin, or hanako+Lilly, and i will emphasize their parts, i don't want to do all 3 couplets, as that would just make Hiaso die

Thanks for the help guys! Lemme know whatcha think!

It was good. I like the characters, they seem natural. I'd like to see it continue. (Shizune + Misha!)
Hmm.. It feels like you use too many commas. A lot could be done without them. Or make them whole sentences. That's what I think. Other than that, there's a few typos around.

on of her pink curls resting on my shoulder

should be 'one'

you haven’t taken enough sign language lessons

Needs to say in context: 'I' not 'you'
And others that I lost. And some names aren't capitalized

maybe I’ll use emi, rin, or Lilly

I'll wait for your next installment

Definitely Shizune+Misha.

I like how you tried to set the story up with no route already locked in. It did have a good deal of focus on Shizune and Misha though, therefore it is a better set up for their route.

Hanalilly plez.

Tabby wrote:It was good. I like the characters, they seem natural. I'd like to see it continue. (Shizune + Misha!)
Hmm.. It feels like you use too many commas. A lot could be done without them. Or make them whole sentences. That's what I think. Other than that, there's a few typos around.

you haven’t taken enough sign language lessons

Needs to say in context: 'I' not 'you'

crap lol, that was one of the reasons i had to scrap a 100 page story, i wrote in two different points of views. Thank you for pointing that out, i shall work on it.

G3n0c1de wrote:Definitely Shizune+Misha.

I like how you tried to set the story up with no route already locked in. It did have a good deal of focus on Shizune and Misha though, therefore it is a better set up for their route.

Eh, it only focuses on them because its the first three pages. 97 more pages before the assignment is finished means... i can go any which way.

Still some minor spelling errors in the first three pages.

And 100 pages seem like a lot of effort - I hope you will not lose your motivation.


Oh, and as for the continuation:
Need Hanako intravenous fix - NOW!!!


No, do whatever you like but remember to write/perform well!

Deimos wrote:Still some minor spelling errors in the first three pages.

And 100 pages seem like a lot of effort - I hope you will not lose your motivation.


Oh, and as for the continuation:
Need Hanako intravenous fix - NOW!!!


No, do whatever you like but remember to write/perform well!

If i lose my motivation i lose my grade! So i will be stuck on this project for a while. I mean, it works, since you guys will nazi out anything i messed up on, free proofreading

Now, to figure out a story arc... hmm.

K guys, a short section. was going to post about another 3 pages worth, but i scrapped the majority of it past this part. Eh, i'll add more as i re write, they will all roughly be the size of the first one, since i don't want to crush your eyes with a wall of text any larger.

“Hiaso?” I panic. Who found me? I turn around to be greeted by a diminutive figure, its only Emi, who for some reason is off the school grounds and not running, odd.

“Hey Emi, what’s up? Why are you off campus?”

“Oh, I saw you leaving with Misha and Shizune, so I decided to follow, hoping that I could catch up with you and talk if at some point you separated ways.” Talk? About what? Considering I see her every day there is a lot of time for talking before and after our runs. It must be important if she bothered to come all this way when she normally never leaves campus.

“About what Emi?” I swear, if it is about running and anything I lack doing I might be annoyed. Scratch that, I will be annoyed, although she will just pout and I will look like the bad guy

“Rin, she is acting odd, she never comes back to her dorm, she is rarely in class and I can rarely find her.” Rin is odd, however, since she has no arms, she couldn’t have climbed far, I start to smile at my own joke but hold it back as I know Emi is really concerned.

“Sure, I’ll look for her with you, wanna go to town at least? You never know, one time we found her there wandering around and she didn’t even remember how or why she was there.”

“Oh ok, sure! But what about Misha and Shizune?” Oh right.

“Oh, I’m sure they will be fine, come on, lets go!” you start to head towards where you remember the road being with Emi tagging along behind.

The town is quiet, as usual, although even more ghostly with the snowfall, however this snow is not as enthralling, more of a hindrance, as the salt has already been thrown on the snow to assist in the melting of it, creating a black-grey mush that must be walked through if one plans on crossing a street.

“Where would Rin be if she is in town…” I think about this then remember that she was outside the store last time, and wonder whether or not she might possibly be there. I head towards the building, remembering too late that i pass right in front of the tea house in order to get there.

“HICCHAN!” Misha. “You found your way here! And you brought a friend?”

“Hi Misha” Emi says in a less than bubbly way, you worry about this, as Shizune is eyeing Emi, just waiting for a reason to chew her out and attempt to wrangle me back into her group. They never really did get along, Emi and shizune, considering their different personalities and work ethics I can understand why. I try to think of some way to avoid conflict but draw a blank, until I figure, I might as well invite Emi in and make her my “date” to avoid conflict, it might work.
“Hey Misha, let Shizune know that Emi will be joining us, I’ll pay for her.” Lets see how this goes…

“…” Misha signs this to Shizune

“…” Shizune looks contemplative, then nods and signs back.

“Alright! It’s all good! But… you are paying for all three! We all get to be your dates Hicchan! Wahaha!” I figured as much, the only way out of that would be to beat Shizune at something, which won’t happen either “unless! You can beat her at…”

“let me guess… Risk?” Typical answer, by guessing this Shizune would be seen as typical, so that automatically makes that choice null, good thinking Hiaso.

“…”

“WHAHA!, no.” Of course. “You have just a simple guessing game to win! Shizune has the tab in one hand and nothing in the other, guess which one is the tab and you do not have to pay it!” Hmm, there has to be a catch, I don’t think Shizune would make such a simple game.

“Ok, Misha open your hands, Yuuko, you too.” I noticed her walk in and do not want her to have the tab, she looks startled but holds her hands out anyway.

“Guess left Hiaso!” Emi whispers in my ear, I’m tempted to guess it just so I can pass off the blame to her, but I decide to be more chivalrous.

“Right hand.” I point at her right hand to assist since she cannot hear.

“WHAHA! Wrong Hicchan!” Of course, I can’t even win games of luck. Oh well, I pay for 4 drinks and a couple sandwhiches, no big loss, plus Emi will stay and she will help keep the conversation off of me working for Shizune.

“So, why are you down here Emi?” Misha surprisingly asks the first question with no prompt from Shizune.

“Rin is missing, been so for the past few days actually, well, not missing totally, but gone during the night and not in class during the day, I assume she either sleeps or wanders places, and she wasn’t in her dorm today, so I am figuring she is wandering around, and I know she comes into town for no reason at all.” Oh right! We need to go find her! But will Misha and Shizune be up to it?

“Well, Hicchan has to help us with Council work! Right Hicchan?”

“No, I don’t” I speak before realizing what I am saying. I have to fix this quickly, before staring any sort of argument and showing favoritism. “I mean, why don’t we help Emi first, then I’ll help you, you kinda owe it to me since you threw a snowball at me.” I hope that sounded honest enough, don’t want someone to be hating me here, that would not be in my best interest.

“…” Shizune is thinking, although from what I gathered, she is either saying yes or no. Helpful.

“Fine, we will help, but Hicchan, why do you care so much? You plunged right into that offer without knowing what we are going to make you do!” Misha has a look of actual surprise, and is not even laughing, I wonder why, is my concern for Rin that odd?

“I am just worried about Rin, she is a friend after all.”

“…”

“Alright, we shall help, you go with Emi, Shicchan and I shall go together!” Misha laughs and hands me the tab to pay, which I do, thank Yuuko and leave with emi to find Rin, starting at the store.

Rin is easily spotted by Emi who is trying harder than me to find her, she is walking in a half asleep daze around in front of the store collecting odd gazes from passersby. I realize that she must not have slept for a while in her current state, her deep green eyes are now ringed by shadows, giving her a mysterious look, although sad, she seems to be ok other than that, but I notice that her clothes are clean. So she has been heading back to the dorms and changing, but without the help of Emi? How does she button up a shirt then?

“Hiaso”

“Rin.” You are worried, she looks in a daze “why are you here?”

“I am here because I am not elsewhere.” Typical, at least that means she is still herself.

“RIN! Are you ok?” Emi obviously could not contain her worry. She runs up to her and grabs her shoulders and shakes her slightly, Rin doesn’t seem to notice, but collapses.

“Rin?” I notice she is unconscious. What was she doing that caused that? We wont learn until she comes too I suppose. I stroke her cheek gently, and realize she seems dry, I grab the skin on the top of her hand and it slowly falls back into place “she is really dehydrated, we should take her to the nurses office, look at her veins, they are very visible.”

“You hurry and go ahead Hiaso, I’ll find Misha and Shizune!” Emi hurries off before I can bother to respond, pigtails swaying in the wind created by her haste are the last thing I see of her. I pick up Rin and carry her in my arms, as I walk, I realize that she is taxing and I cannot walk that fast with her like this, I decide to be less tactful and throw her gently over my shoulder. After doing this, she is much lighter, and I start a light jog back towards the school.

I have not written anything in about Rin and what happened to her in my future parts, if you would like something about that let me know, although it would be alot like Rin to just not ever talk about it in a way that makes sense, so i can skip it too. And once again, please point out any mistakes i have made that you can find! And feedback, mostly criticism with my work, since i don't need a larger ego my friends tell me!

Interesting turn. Though I must point out that Hisao still has a weak heart. So doing a fireman carry of all that dead weight... I don't see that as possible. Hell, Hisao got exhausted just throwing a ball at some bottles. And even if his heart were stronger, judging by his level of stamina during his runs, he isn't all that strong. And if doing the carry wasn't enough, he's jogging quite some distance to the school. His heart should give out shortly. If anything he should wait for Misha and Shizune to return with Emi, perhaps the combined strength of the 4 of them would be enough to carry her without much trouble. Or perhaps Hisao is himself forgetting his own weakness, and is thinking of Rin's welfare. He's running on adrenaline right now. But he'd collapse, and would have to wait for the three girls to come back, and they would have to somehow drag the two of them back to school for medical attention.

It's not bad, it's just not realistic because it's Hisao.

G3n0c1de wrote:Interesting turn. Though I must point out that Hisao still has a weak heart. So doing a fireman carry of all that dead weight... I don't see that as possible. Hell, Hisao got exhausted just throwing a ball at some bottles. And even if his heart were stronger, judging by his level of stamina during his runs, he isn't all that strong. And if doing the carry wasn't enough, he's jogging quite some distance to the school. His heart should give out shortly. If anything he should wait for Misha and Shizune to return with Emi, perhaps the combined strength of the 4 of them would be enough to carry her without much trouble. Or perhaps Hisao is himself forgetting his own weakness, and is thinking of Rin's welfare. He's running on adrenaline right now. But he'd collapse, and would have to wait for the three girls to come back, and they would have to somehow drag the two of them back to school for medical attention.

It's not bad, it's just not realistic because it's Hisao.

Shh, you gave away the next part. jerk.

Edit: Stuck in bed sick. I'll try to type but i can hardly sit up, so i don't want to mess anything up by typing ill. I'll try to finish the third part up since there is onl a bit more to go, then i'll post it and sleep. And puke. And sleep some more. And possibly eat, maybe not eat. Time for a smoothie.

laharl wrote: I mean, it works, since you guys will nazi out anything i messed up on, free proofreading

Yay, I have not been used as cheap labour force since my days in the navy.

However the only thing I can be complain about your in second installment (other than the things politely pointed out by G3n0c1de) are one Shizune that misses its first capital letter and the fact that Shizune had a tab without ordering something first. You could write that it was a tab from her and Misha's drinks they had while they waited for Hisao.

Shizune as student council president does seem a little bit unenthusiastic about helping to find a missing student rather than doing whatever she had planned instead - it could come across as her being a bit self-serving.

And the whole incident in the teahouse reduces the dramatic urgency of Emi's concern. It would be hard to imagine she could just sit down for a drink and some sandwiches while her friend is out in the cold. Just write one or two sentences to show that Emi or Hisao want to recruit Misha and Shizune for their search.

laharl wrote: Typical answer, by guessing this Shizune would be seen as typical

Wouldn't predictable be a better substitute for the second typical?


Hm, in retrospective I had a lot to say - would that mean I'd be a good nazi?

Deimos wrote:

laharl wrote: I mean, it works, since you guys will nazi out anything i messed up on, free proofreading

Yay, I have not been used as cheap labour force since my days in the navy.

However the only thing I can be complain about your in second installment (other than the things politely pointed out by G3n0c1de) are one Shizune that misses its first capital letter and the fact that Shizune had a tab without ordering something first. You could write that it was a tab from her and Misha's drinks they had while they waited for Hisao.

Shizune as student council president does seem a little bit unenthusiastic about helping to find a missing student rather than doing whatever she had planned instead - it could come across as her being a bit self-serving.

And the whole incident in the teahouse reduces the dramatic urgency of Emi's concern. It would be hard to imagine she could just sit down for a drink and some sandwiches while her friend is out in the cold. Just write one or two sentences to show that Emi or Hisao want to recruit Misha and Shizune for their search.

laharl wrote: Typical answer, by guessing this Shizune would be seen as typical

Wouldn't predictable be a better substitute for the second typical?


Hm, in retrospective I had a lot to say - would that mean I'd be a good nazi?

haha, yes. I will work on those. lemme see what i can do, when i feel better at least. Thanks for the critique!

Edit: I'm going to rewrite that scene, when reading over it i realize how bad it was. Guess i shouldn't write when tired. I'll fix it up then let ya know how it goes.

Hey guys, sorry it took so long, but i had the stomach flu, and its hard to type fast when you only have 7 fingers. (yes, i have only 7. Don't bother me over it.) I have a new section to go over, it feels like it might be bad, so let me know if my writing is starting to falter. I'm having a hard time concentrating while being sick so sorry if it makes you cringe


I head towards the school campus at a brisk pace, the wind is chilly and starts to burn my lungs a bit as I continue my pace, my breathing gets heavier since I am carrying Rin and she is making me exert more than I normally do. I start to worry if I can make it, since the school is a distance from town and uphill for that matter. No time to worry, here is hoping that my heart is better after all that running with Emi.
20 minutes in, I am completely tired; I keep walking in a half run-half walk pace, almost like a skip. I am winded, but determined to make it to the school soon. I see the school on top of the hill and start back into a run. I realize this was bad. I start to stumble. I almost drop Rin. I try to steady myself, but with Rin on one shoulder and my strength waning quickly I can’t keep it up. I collapse, taking care to allow Rin to fall down as slowly as possible. She lands in the snow gently; at least I did that much right. Damn, why now? Why haven’t I gotten stronger after running so much? I feel an intense pain, but I refuse to lie down and die. Damn, I am close, why the hell is my luck so bad? Sorry Rin, but being dead here won’t do me any good for you either, I stagger up, clutching my chest and walk forward, edges of black start to creep into my vision, with a massive amount of pain in my head and chest. The throb is getting slower and more painful. I make it to the gate and try to open it, I barely notice a figure sprinting past me at a speed much too fast for my current vision to process. I drag myself towards the nurses building, or at least what I remember what the nurses building to be. I feel like dying, but I cannot yet. The last thing I notice is many figures running towards me. Darkness…

…Where am I exactly now? Dead? I feel better, so that is a choice I suppose, although I assume that with a 24 hour nursing staff I was picked up and saved. I open my eyes slowly… Black. I can’t see anything…

“Oh, you are awake, or else your eyes just open randomly when you sleep.” Rin. At least she is ok. I look towards where I think her voice is coming from. “ Don’t look away from people, unless you don’t want me to be here.” Wrong way. I turn the other way.

“Hi Rin. You doing better?”

“Yes, I am fine now.” Time to ask now I suppose, nothing better to do.

“Why did you up and disappear?”

“Rin, I need you to leave.” Damn, the head nurse. “I need to talk to Hiaso.”

“Ok, I’m leaving, Hiaso, I shall talk to you later, unless one of us can no longer talk for some reason.” Typical Rin, I’d say see you later, but I don’t know if that’s true and she takes sayings like that literally.

“Hiaso, you are stupid.” Don’t mince your words nurse. “You had a major attack, you might have noticed that you are blind, your vision will regain slowly, in about 2 or 3 days. But what were you thinking? You were lucky Emi was able to get us out there so quickly.”

“Was Rin ok?” My main issue, since I was useless in helping her.

“Yes, she was fine, just a bit fatigued and cold.”

“Wait, what about dehydration?” There goes my confidence in my diagnosis skills.

“Its cold out, most likely the symptoms you saw were from the cold.” Figures, “until your vision is better you need to rest here, after it is back at least partially you are free to go, but you have at least two days left here.” Damn.

“Nurse?” I have one question on my mind that is itching to be answered.

“Yes Hiaso?”

“How did I make it so far even when I had an attack?” That question bothers me even now, normally I would have collapsed and given up.

“Adrenaline. Simple as that, you were tuning out the pain and walking in a dumb stupor. I can’t see any other way.” Hmm, not as romantic as because I wanted to save Rin or I am getting stronger, but it will do. “Or… you wanted to save Rin” The nurse breaks out into laughter. “She would be a good match for you, she is forgiving and you are rather stupid.” The nurse chuckles at his own joke. Oh well I guess I am stuck here for a while now.

Two days pass with surprising speed. Not only do Shizune and Misha visit me often, but Hanako, Lilly, Emi, and Rin do too. Even Kenji stopped by a couple times, although he just was checking to make sure the feminists haven’t killed me yet, as I am “A prominent male figure in this school” and my death “would herald a major victory for the women.” Oh bother. Lilly was the most worried about me, asking me questions constantly, I guess she found out from the nurse that I don’t have eyesight for a couple days, now I know what it is like to be her. However, I don’t have the superhuman hearing she does. Hanako would mostly sit there and read I assume, she did ask a few questions especially when we were alone. Hanako also acted as Lilly's scout i think. She would sit with me for a while and ask things, then inquire if Shizune and Misha had been in yet that day, if i said yes, she would leave and Lilly would come. If i said no, she would either wait, or Lilly wouldn't be visiting that day. I guess that can be a problem when you have groups of friends who do not get along. Now I know why Hanako likes Lilly so much, there is no pressure on her to hide her scars from Lilly at all. The student council harasses me about work in their lighthearted mood, which helps make me smile considering the recent event, and Emi is always in ensuring that I am ok. Rin unsurprisingly doesn’t visit, since she probably forgot that I am here, I am not too disappointed about that. However, i figure that she would have at least come once or so with Emi who visited every morning after she changed into a uniform when she was done running. She also came in to say hi regardless of whether or not it would make her late to class.

“Ok Hiaso how is your vision?” The nurse asks me yet again. This is the start of the third day, and I have been doing nothing but resting. Cabin fever is starting to set in, so regardless of my vision, I am getting out of here.

“Its good, I can actually see to the point of walking now.” Which is true, although everything I see is fuzz, that doesn’t matter, I can see and I’m sure one of the girls will help me until I get better entirely.

“Well, is that true Hiaso? How about you read this note back to me?” He hands me a piece of paper, I look at it but I cannot make it out very well…

“Hmm… Is this my note to Muto?” A shot in the dark. I’m hoping I’m right in order to get the hell out of here. I’m tired of always being bedridden.

“Well well, looks like you weren’t lying about your eyesight. Well, I guess you can go when you are ready, but… Be careful. I don’t want to see you here anymore this year, ideally I wont see you again until your prescription runs out and you need it refilled.”

“Don’t worry sir, I do not want to be here anymore either. I never see you unless I have done something wrong.” Which is true, the first time was when he decided I needed to work harder; the second was when I had a flutter and now this. I decide to leave, walking carefully along the hallways since I can barely see. Thankfully it is either before classes, which means Emi will be running at the track, or during class, which means no one will be out at all, except for Hanako, who could be at the library. Looking out a nearby window I decide that class must be in session based on how high the sun is. So I might as well see if Hanako is in the Library, she is truant often, so it’s worth the shot.

I walk to the library, Yuuko is here, I think... She sees me, and gestures in the direction of Hanako’s corner as far as I can tell. I realize that she is telling me that Hanako is here. Which is good, she is the calmest one of all the girls, which is what I need right now, although normally I would read with her and enjoy each other’s company. This would not be very easy as I can barely see and would most likely die of boredom before Hanako built up the courage to talk to me. Well, now is as good a time as any to see how well our friendship has grown and ask her for a favor.

“Hey Hanako.” I approach her and talk quietly, as trying to engage her in conversation tends to be similar to sneaking up on a rabbit.

“H-h-hey Hiaso…. I see you are better.” Well I’m glad she is open and already on that subject, will make for an easier transition.

“Well… I’m not better completely actually, I well… Still can’t see well. Everything is a blur, in fact I can’t make out anything specific other than figures, I just hoped you were Hanako, since you come here so often.” She shuffles a bit as far as I can tell, I don’t know if it is because she is uncomfortable with me or for some other reason. Damn, not being able to see sucks, well, lets hope Hanako helps me, if not out of friendship, than pity. “I was just wondering If you could help me get around for the rest of the day, after that I can ask Misha and Shizune or Emi to help me until I’m completely better.”

“I-I-I…. I can help you Hiaso…” She says it quietly as she slowly starts to move towards me. She grabs my hand gently with her unscarred left hand and starts to walk towards the doors of the library, “we might as well go to class I suppose… after that… we can find Lilly.” Ah, Lilly, she will hopefully be willing to help to, even though that just feels like the blind leading the blind…

“Hanako?”

“Y-yes Hiaso?”

“Thank you.” She stops and turns around to look at what I suppose is me. She gets closer, to the point where we are inches apart and I can actually make out her facial features better.

“It’s no problem Hiaso.” She whispers to me. “I-I… enjoy spending time with you.” That takes me by surprise, as I have always seen the strain on her whenever I try to talk to her and have her open up at least a little bit to me.

“Really? Because I enjoy spending time with you too Hanako.” I start to reach out to put my hand on her shoulder, but I stop myself, not wanting to make her shy away. She is so introverted that this little scene is odd. She starts pulling me by the hand towards class, well… pulling isn’t the right word for it, because I’m sure if I stopped walking I would feel no pressure from her to keep me walking. It’s amazing how timid she is even though we have known each other for a while now. I wonder if we would ever be able to grow close or if she has ever grown close to anyone besides Lilly… What am I thinking about this for? She is a friend, why am I worrying about whether or not we grow close? As friends its ok I suppose, but that is it, I shouldn’t let my thoughts wander about anymore. I realize Hanako has led me outside for some reason.

“Hey, Hanako… Why are we outside?”

“Well… I didn’t want to go back to class when it is this late, so I thought… we would go see Lilly…” Well that works. I want to talk to Lilly anyway. She will be able to talk to me and at least assist me through these next two or three hellish days. But with the 3-2 classroom and library in the same building, was there even a point for leaving? Or was Hanako just too afraid of people, and this was all she could do to still help me. Either way, i was grateful, and it was still nice out. Brisk, but nice.

Classes are all dismissed for the day so Hanako and I walk to Lilly’s classroom, with her leading me the entire time. It was nerve racking to be so useless but at least I knew it was temporary. I figured this way at least I would be able to finally take it easy for a bit, even though I know I hardly deserve a break considering how much Shizune and Misha put into the Student Council. I begin to wonder how they are doing but quickly push that thought aside as I enter the 3-2 classroom where Lilly is.

“Hi Lilly.” Hanako says quietly.

“Oh hi Hanako! Why are you here? And do you have someone with you? Who is it?” I always marvel at how well Lilly can hear.

“HI Lilly, how is it going?” I decide I might as well make my presence known; all the more I can help Hanako, since she is assisting me right now.

“Oh, Hiaso, what a pleasant surprise! So you are better now?”

“Not quite… I still have some temporary eye damage from the attack. I can’t see well. I was told it would last a few more days, but I just wanted out of the nurses office so badly I lied about it being better.” I might as well spill the beans to both of them and hope they will help me, I don’t know how well either will take the fact that I lied to the head nurse.

“Well… Hiaso, why did you lie?”

“I was stuck in bed for multiple days… I did not want to go through the same thing as last time…” I cut myself short, I almost spilled my guts about my heart condition again. Something I never want to do, even if I can trust these two…


Sleep time, i am sickly. blech

First off, I enjoyed reading this.

I like that you gave Hisao temporary blindness after the heart attack, but you missed some opportunities it presents for character development. Specifically, delving into the actual conversations Lilly and Hisao have while he recuperates might give more insight on how she feels about her own blindness and the temporary nature of Hisao's. Also, since Shizune and Lilly are both visiting him, some interesting things could occur if they occasionally arrive at the same time.

laharl wrote:“Or… you wanted to save Rin” The nurse breaks out into a big smile.

Hisao cannot see the smile, so how does he know it's there?

I dislike how you alternate between dialogue and walls of italicized narrative text. The italicization is unnecessary and it's a little jarring when you switch between styles. It would also be nice if you added an empty line between your paragraphs like you do for the dialogue, to make everything more consistent and easier to read.

Better than the second part.

Still, there are some points I would like to address. The section about Hisao's heart attack for example seems relatively calm, I would normally expect more panicky behaviour from someone who thinks he is going to die.

laharl wrote: Rin unsurprisingly doesn’t visit, since she probably forgot that I am here, I am not too disappointed about that.

These two sentences seem a little odd considering that Hisao was risking his life for this girl but does not care if she visits him or not when she is the cause of his predicament.

Another important reason to choose Hanako is that she has, apart from Lilly and Kenji, the most experience in dealing with blind people.

Hanako should use her left, unscarred hand when she leads Hisao along, your post left that open but it is important for her to stay in character even (or more correct: especially) if she is beginning to trust Hisao.

I am also wondering why Hanako leads Hisao outside since Lilly's classroom and the library are situated in the same building.


Excuse me if I am really nitpicky about minor details but teachers can be a nasty bunch when you give them the opportunity to fuss over little mistakes. That being said, I think you must include a character guide or short introduction of each girl and her respective disability for your teacher in order to prepare him for all the quirks we and Hisao take for granted.

Rest well!

PS: Temporary sight issues normally create heavy headaches - just thought you could use that.