New Game+
Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 10:57 pm
A light breeze causes the naked branches overhead to rattle like wooden windchimes. This is a popular retreat for couples in the summer. The deciduous trees provide a beautiful green canopy, far out of sight of teachers and fellow students. But now, in late winter, it feels like I'm standing under a pile of kindling. I breathe into my cupped hands and rub them together furiously to prevent them from numbing in the cold.
Hisao: "What..? Where am I? What is this place?"
The first thing I notice is the cold. It's snowing? In the summer? I was just at school with everyone. And we were.. The rustling of snow startles me, interrupting my frantic mind. Someone is approaching me from behind.
???: "Hi...Hisao? You came?"
A hesitating, barely audible question. However, I don't recognize the owner of the voice. I turn to face this voice, the mysterious sweet voice.
Hisao: "Iwanako? It's you."
This scene from my past life plays through my mind like an old black and white movie with no sound. Iwanako is standing there shivering from the cold. She asks me to go out with her. I have a heart attack. That wasn't the best response, but it was the only thing I could do at that time.
Iwanako: "I asked a friend to give you that note... I'm so glad you got it."
Hisao: "It's cold out here."
It's really cold out here. It's too cold. A few seconds ago I was just.. what was I doing? I know it was hot. Summer is hot. Right now it's too cold and snowy for summer. It would make sense if this was a dream. But it's not.
This is a dream, so it makes sense. That sounds better. I take a deep breath of cold air. It only makes my chest hurt. Transferring from hot to cold so fast is tough on my weak heart. I'll be fine since it's a dream. The wind stirs up the branches. Iwanako flinches ever so softly against the gust of wind. She rights herself, as if supported by some new confidence. She is going to ask me out again. She's so cute.
Iwanako: "You see.. I wanted to know... if you'd go out with me..."
Hisao: "I wish I could."
Her eyes are full of shock and sadness. She didn't seem to be expecting this.
Hisao: "I would have said yes. You're still very cute and if I look at you, I can tell I still like you a lot. But unfortunately you can't change the past in a dream."
I say so quite realistically. Iwanako stares at me while I speak. She opens her mouth then closes it unable to figure out what to say. She doesn't say anything. She grabs my hand with both of hers. Through my glove I can tell her bare hands are ice cold. I can faintly make out the hint of warmth emanating from her.
Iwanako: "What are you talking about Hisao? This is real, I'm right here next to you, for real."
The dream tries to convince me otherwise. She grips my hand harder. Strange. If I ignore the common sense of 'how did I get here', everything else would be real. The pressure of Iwanako's hands on mine. The warmth from her. The melting snow on my head. Even my beating heart is real. Why would I be here? It could be..
Hisao: "Ha... Alright, funny joke, I fell for it. Where is everyone? Hiding?
I scan the perimeter. No signs of life are present anywhere.
Iwanako: "Hisao... I'm being serious here."
She pouts and releases my hand. There's a slightly angry and sad tone in her voice. Her eyes are still waiting for me to accept this reality and give her a proper answer. I hate to hurt a girls feelings, but this joke is a bit too far. This was the first time I had my heart attack. I trace my chest with my hand, that familiar scar is a reminder that my life is different. The only proof needed to ascertain that my life is far from normal. I can't even hope for such a thing.
Hisao: "......."
I throw my glove off and rip open my jacked. Iwanako looks at me like I'm crazy. Not there? It's not there. No scar? It's not there. It's not there. My heart pounds inside my chest. Do I be happy or sad or scared or delighted? It's not there! It's not a joke? It's not there! Yamaku? It's not there! Everyone? They're not here! My life flashes before my eyes. Everyone I met, everyone I spoke to, those I liked and loved and hated. I can't see them anymore? I stop breathing. I try to breathe but it hurts. I know this feeling. The same scary feeling, the cold hands of death grab my heart. I massage my throat, but pain assaults my arms. My heart gives up.
Iwanako: "Hisao?! HISAO!!"
I collapse in the snow. The world around me fades away. The last thing I remember are the sounds of Iwanako screaming and my own self thinking about Yamaku Academy and the girl I left behind.
After my surgery, like before, my body is too heavy to move. My arms dull and heavy, my legs dead and limp. Of course my chest stabs me with pain if I move it in any direction. But worst of all, my head is pounding me with questions of why. All I can do is lie here and think. Drowning in my pool of questions. My head is a beehive, my questions are the bees. The queen bee is 'why' or sometimes 'how'. The working bees are all the other important and meaningless inquiries. Some of them fly off and die, others look for answers and feed the drone bees. Drones carry fledgling responses to the queen and create more workers named 'why'.
I've been thinking. For some reason my life was returned to the past. I'll ignore the intricate details of why, how, and anything else for later. I can change this life to however I want. I was thinking I could have saved myself from having a heart attack. I could have lived a normal life. But that's impossible. This arrhythmia was always with me, so delaying the inevitable was pointless. Either way, this was the life chosen for me.
When I'm able to move my head and arms well enough I write down my thoughts on paper. Mainly so I can sort out my ideas. I can't write half as fast as my brain comes up with questions, but that will make it easier to organize everything. My own personal diary. I'll create a library instead of an unorganized beehive. If anyone cares to ask me how I can write about my days doing nothing but staying in the hospital; I'm writing a book, so don't read it! I hope it doesn't encourage them to try and read it.
Why am I here? Did someone bring me here? How many times will this happen?
I can't get any answers by myself. I should start to question other people. Maybe they know something. Something similar could have happened to them before, or they saw someone suspicious. Well, more suspicious than a normally suspicious person. Maybe I did it to myself, do I have special powers or something? I'll try it later. What if some evil organization is looking for the person who traveled back in time to kill them. What if they find me? The doctors could be in it. They're the most likely subject. They know me the most. They're around me more than anyone. What kind of questions can I ask to know what side they're on?
Is the world exactly the same as before? I could be speaking a different language for all I know. Wait. Would I know that? What happened to the 'Hisao' that was living here just before 'I' arrived? Did 'I' erase 'him'? Did 'I' absorb 'his' memories; therefore things that would be different seem the same to 'me'? Maybe 'he' took 'my' old spot. And is living comfortably at Yamaku. That bastard!
Why me? It feels like that old movie. It's not a single day but the circumstances are the same, as far as I know. Maybe I gotta get the correct ending? I was pretty sure I was doing good last time. I was happy and all. If I die right now, do I get to reset? Maybe I was supposed to die instead of live back in the snow and the world sent me back. If it did, why do I have memories?
An evil organization set out to kill people who travel back in time for no reason. What if they don't want to kill me, but use me as a guinea pig? Maybe they want to take over the world themselves. Those selfish bastards. Attacking a disabled person. How low can they get. I should listen about Kenji's evil organizations theory more often. I can probably get some pointers on how to avoid them. The only thing I learned was to close curtains, thwart snipers. Since I remembered that, I've kept my curtains in this hospital room closed as much as possible. But the nurses keep opening it. I think they're spy's sent here to make sure I make a mistake and get caught.
If I question people about my experience, I can ask them something simple like: 'Hey, do I know you?' If they naturally say 'No, I don't think so.' it's likely they really don't' know. Unless they're a qualified trained spy. Bad news if they are, I'll be caught then and there. I can probably, just probably, play it off as 'deja vu' or 'you look like someone I know'. But I can't do it too many times. I might be under surveillance for some reason. I'm glad Iwanako wasn't a spy. I would have been dead already. I'm on alert of all the doctors here. The head cardiologist is a suspicious person. More suspiciously suspicious than normal. He's so suspicious he seems normal. But I can see through him. In fact, I just realized something. All I need to do is act normal around everyone. If the evil organization had the power to travel in time or change the past or whatever, they wouldn't need me. Assuming this, none of them are from the future. Therefore any changes I make would be 'normal' to them. Wait. Damn. That means I can't win the lottery. Wait. If they don't know what I'm gonna do, or they can't see the future, how can I be a suspect? Who says they can't see the future? They can't travel through time, but they can see the past and future time lines? If that is true, why do they need me?
What if there is no evil organization? If there is no organization, no one or nothing is after me. I can act freely as I want. I can live a free life. But, again, why me? Is it by a random act or chance, coincidence, divine intervention, misfortune, or anything else I can't think of? If it was randomly done by chance, the probability of it is I'll bet staggeringly low. So low that it doesn't happen. And if it does happen, then it probably happens to a bug. Am I a bug? In the grand scale of the universe? Yes I probably am, but back on earth I am not. This doesn't make me happy at all. The chances of it happening again at the same time, with me resetting to the same place are close enough to zero that you can multiply it by a number and the answer would be zero. But I'm just guessing that. However, if this reset was a divine intervention. I can't do anything to stop it can I? To get my life past that end point, I have to do something to make the divine entity happy. If it told me what it wanted, I'm sure I wouldn't agree to help it. After all, I did have another life changing event called a HEART ATTACK!! I hope it read that. In order to please the 'God', I would have to get all the keys in the right places. It's a lot harder since I don't have any keys. Well, I have all the keys, but I don't know where they go. So it's kinda like looking for hay in a hay stack, while blind folded. And you gotta find a specific piece of hay. Plus your hay is as big as the world. You have only so many months to find it. I'm very depressed if that was the case. If this was set upon me by an act of misfortune? If that was the case, then I can live my life normally. I can forget anything happened and consider it a jolt of bad luck. That's some luck.
I can't imagine anything that would need to be changed from my previous life. Well, I did try and cheat on a test once, but.. I don't think that's something so epic a time traveling mystery would be evoked. Did I step on a snail that was destined to change a boy's life? The boy looks at the snail and all its sliminess and shellyness and grows up to become a snail scientist that discovers the cure for arrhythmia? I hope that's the case. Did I read somewhere a snail doesn't have a heart? Maybe it was some kind of fish?
I've thought about going about the same life I had before. I don't think I can do it. The same conversations, the same emotions, the same feelings and events. I can't imagine what that would be like, and I don't want to lie to people like that. Acting out my false emotions when I know the truth. That's like a murderer telling his victim 'No, I didn't kill you.' Why did I just compare myself to a murderer?
I should set up rules. Certain rules to prevent awkward situations between me and people I shouldn't know. Everyone I was friends with, I had met them within a few days or weeks that I started Yamaku. Shizune and Misha sit next to me; it's impossible not to talk to them. Hanako reads in the library like I do quite often. Kenji is my neighbor. I wonder if I can change rooms. Emi trains on the track field like I should be doing. Rin is good friends with Emi. I'll meet her too. Lily.. I guess it was by chance I met Lily. We sometimes drank tea together in that room.
Oh. I guess I'll continue to write in this diary of mine. I'll put their names down, the date, when I met them, any important info we spoke about. Time traveling is so much trouble. Well as far as rules go.. Rule Number 1: Refer to your diary! Do I have to call it a diary? How about journal. Rule Number 1: Refer to your Journal! Much better.
Summary:
Who or what did this? Dunno
Why me? Dunno
Does anyone else remember? Dunno
What number is this? (Including my first life) Second.
Is anyone suspicious after me? (Not including the doctors/nurses) Dunno.
No new information is apparent to me. I didn't learn anything nor find any clues. Finding clues was the hardest part. The nurses rarely let me wander the hallways. The doctors wanted to put restraints on me. I had to calm down more often than not. I forgot how hard it was to recover from this. But still, it seemed a lot easier this time. Would I like to go through it again? No way! Am I going to? Probably..
I gave up on writing after that. Just like last time, I passed the remaining time in the hospital by reading books. Although the books in the small 'library' at the hospital were the same, there were still several that I hadn't read. I may have just gotten lucky. But if I'm gonna repeat this again, I wouldn't know what to do when I run out of books. That thought by itself scared me more than the pain in my chest. The pain. The sharp burning sensation that wouldn't go away arose from time to time. Naturally I had to use my old routine of meditation to calm down and relax.
The day has finally come. The day I get told I can go home. The same day I hear about Yamaku Academy. I've been trying to prepare myself for this day. I was working on my acting skills to fool everyone. I would rather not fool people into anything. There's not much else I can do. It would be an awkward conversation to listen to a stranger blab about how he knows everything and everyone. I know I wouldn't believe him. Sometimes I wonder maybe I just went crazy and this was all an illusion. It would greatly explain lots of things.
The doctor comes in and gives me a smile. My parents are here. They are dressed up again. The doctor pointlessly arranges his papers, sits next to me and talks.
Doctor: "Hello, Hisao. How are you today?"
I don't remember what I did or said last time. I'm not sure if the evil organization has exact records of conversations, but I'll assume it is best to act normally. As normally as one could act if they already know what's going to happen.
Hisao: "Fine."
Doctor: "I believe you can go home today."
As expected the doctors conversation is the same. He shows us the list us medications I need to in order to live. The same exact pills.
Doctor: "Also, I've spoken with your parents... it would be best if you don't return to your old school."
There it is. Now I gotta put on my show. Naturally as possible, I act surprised. The doctor talks about Yamaku Academy. Interestingly the word 'disabled' doesn't have such a harsh effect on me this time around. I should have listened to him more the first time. Yamaku Academy. My experiences there told me many things. Much of which the doctor is saying now. I rest my head on the bed, in an effort to show that I'm tired. While the adults keep talking, I stare at the ceiling thinking about my future-past conundrum. I ponder over the intricate object known as cause and effect. I still want to choose the same lifestyle as before. Could I handle the endless repetition of events and conversations as well as lying and deceit? It will only feel like I pity them. A clean slate. The doctor says. I believed that last time. Technically it is still true. No one knows me, no one remembers me. I shouldn't be thinking about depressing things now. I go to sleep, still unsure what I'll do come that fateful day.
Yamaku Academy school gate. Red bricks, black wrought iron and grey plaster. It's still the same. I'm not entirely sure what I thought about this gate when I first saw it. I really should stop comparing myself to my past life. My past life is just that. It does not exist anymore. It's sad when you have to tell yourself that you don't exist. I've been staring at the nostalgic gate for too long. I move forward and enter the gate. Whether I want to or not. I'll see everyone again soon.
Muto: "You must be.."
Hisao: "Nakai. Hisao Nakai."
Muto greets himself and we shake hands. He tells me to visit the nurse later. Naturally I offer to introduce myself to the class. While heading to class 3-3, there's one thing I keep telling myself. I don't know anyone or anything. Over and over I repeat that in my head. The last thing I wanna do is make a mistake so early in the game. Muto enters the classroom. Why should I feel nervous? I've done this before, literally. Is talking to an audience so difficult? News presenters must really have guts to do this kind of thing.
The students are all the same. The boy with the cane, the girl with one arm, the pink haired girl and the blue haired girl doing Sign Language. Muto starts clapping, giving me the go to introduce myself.
Hisao: "I'm Hisao Nakai. I like to read and "
I falter for a second. What do I like to do? Shouldn't I know myself best?
Hisao: "and exercise. I hope to get along with everyone."
They all clap again after Muto finishes talking. I take my seat where he tells me to.
Hisao: "Hi, nice to meet you."
Misha: "Hahaha~!"
Her laughter calms me down a bit. I haven't heard it in forever. She explains things to me; she's Misha, the other girl is Shizune. Of course I knew that but who cares. We begin working on our group project and soon lunch time arrives. I just realized the school work and exams will be a piece of cake. Lucky.
The bell rings for the end of school. Misha and Shizune apologize and leave to attend to other things. I take out my Journal and write what happened so far.
XX/XX
1. Shizune; met her today
2. Misha; met her today
I head to the nurses office. I shouldn't know where it is but who cares. He explains the things I already know; 24-hour nursing staff, physical therapy, etc. He looks at my papers and drones on about my health and well-being. I know he's only trying to help but I think he can tell I'm bored. Do I put this meeting down in my journal?
I end up walking around the school some more. I thought I might bump into someone I know. Sadly, everyone went home for the day. I do the same. When I end up in front of room 117 I'm confronted with some kind of emotion. Do I knock? I'm seriously considering whether to knock or not. I don't wanna find out what'll happen if I don't greet him properly. So I knock.
I'll regret the next ten minutes for as long as I live. I definitely won't knock if I reset again.
3. Kenji; met him today
I enter my unusually undecorated room, lay down and fall asleep with the end of day 1.
The morning sun is showing its brilliance and brightness through my window. My alarm clock yells like a rooster 'it's time to get up!' The gray walls of this room make me feel at home. Technically, I've never been here but who cares. True, I did spend more time in the hospital room but I can actually leave this one. Therefore, it feels like a 'place to come back to'. I already know what to do for today. I take my medication and get dressed. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the cool air of my room before heading to the track.
Emi Ibarazaki. The playful, energetic, and happy girl of Yamaku Academy. I had become her boyfriend. It was rare we didn't see each other more than a day apart. She helped me exercise and showed me the way towards healthy life. At first she was like a Drill Instructor training a new recruit. "Keep running Hisao! How's your heart Hisao? Don't die on me Hisao! Stop eating junk food!!" She became more lenient. However her kindness never vanished. Soon after, I asked her to go steady with me. I guess I was surprised when she said yes. I almost had a heart attack, so yeah, I was surprised. I learned so many things about her, and Rin too. She really is cheerful and smart. She likes to help everyone with their problems, especially if it's about health. But the most important thing I learned was: She's not as strong as she acts.
While I'm doing a few warm up stretches Emi notices and calls out, bouncing over this way.
Emi: "Heeeyyy~!" "Hey, you're the new guy aren't you?"
Hisao: "Yeah, I'm Hisao Nakai."
I can't look at her in the eye.
Emi: "I'm surprised your here. Usually no one comes."
She continues talking to me about an assortment of things. Track team, the nurse, good exercise habits, all the while helping me stretch. After a couple of laps running around, I slow down to a walk. This is too much. I gotta reassess my limit again. I'll be in trouble if I over do it. While I'm walking around the track catching my breath, Emi catches up to me.
Emi: "Finished already?"
Hisao: "Yeah, I don't wanna over do it. It's just my first day after all."
Emi: "I'm surprised. You seem to know what your doing. Maybe I don't have to watch you so much now. Keep doing your best Hisao! Maybe we can have a race soon! See ya!"
She says so while running off to finish her routine. I shudder at the thought of racing Emi. I can count the number of times I've beaten her on one hand. Zero. I head back to the dorms, take a shower and get ready for class.
XX/XX
1. Emi; met her this morning.
During class Shizune and Misha encourage me to join them and help the student council. However that's one of the last things I would want to do. I politely decline, opting to join the track team or art club instead. When lunch time comes I grab some bread and a drink from the cafeteria and go to the rooftop. It really was an accident that I came here. Eating on the roof so often became a habit for the three of us.
Rin: "Hello."
Rin pops up in front of me. Staring at my food.
Hisao: "Hello." "... Can I help you?"
She stands there. Standing in my way.
Emi: "Is that .. Hisao?"
Hisao: "Yeah, hey Emi. This girl.."
She moves past me. Like a malfunctioned booby trap; Rin steps out of the way, never taking her eyes off Emi's food. I take this chance and enter the rooftop.
Emi: "Have you two met?"
Rin: "Yes."
Hisao: "No." "..."
I know it's her personality that answers like that. But for a second I feel hopeful that someone might remember.
Rin: "We just met. But we haven't met."
That hopeful second turned into false hope and sorrow. Emi invited me to eat lunch with them. She introduced me to Rin Tezuka. I already knew her but I can't say that. We eat lunch casually as though we're accustomed to it. Except for the fact that we talk to each other like we don't know the each other. Because we don't. But it went pretty smooth for a first time thing. Mostly thanks to Emi's happy-go-lucky personality.
When I returned to class Shizune and Misha were missing. Though I can imagine their scornful eyes watching me. Berating me about the student council. The rest of the day went by boringly. I went to my dorm room, avoiding Kenji as thoroughly as I can. There's nothing to do besides homework. After it is done, I copy some memories onto paper and go to sleep.
2. Rin; met her today at lunch.
3. Had lunch with Emi and Rin.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish. I keep hoping and praying, maybe someone will remember what happened. If I hang around Emi or Rin a lot, they can probably recall an event or two. It doesn't have to be them two. Anyone is fine. Misha or Lily. No one specific. I just want someone to remember something. I don't want these memories to be false. I don't want to forget them.
To be continued.
Authors notes: Suggestion box is open.
Hisao: "What..? Where am I? What is this place?"
The first thing I notice is the cold. It's snowing? In the summer? I was just at school with everyone. And we were.. The rustling of snow startles me, interrupting my frantic mind. Someone is approaching me from behind.
???: "Hi...Hisao? You came?"
A hesitating, barely audible question. However, I don't recognize the owner of the voice. I turn to face this voice, the mysterious sweet voice.
Hisao: "Iwanako? It's you."
This scene from my past life plays through my mind like an old black and white movie with no sound. Iwanako is standing there shivering from the cold. She asks me to go out with her. I have a heart attack. That wasn't the best response, but it was the only thing I could do at that time.
Iwanako: "I asked a friend to give you that note... I'm so glad you got it."
Hisao: "It's cold out here."
It's really cold out here. It's too cold. A few seconds ago I was just.. what was I doing? I know it was hot. Summer is hot. Right now it's too cold and snowy for summer. It would make sense if this was a dream. But it's not.
This is a dream, so it makes sense. That sounds better. I take a deep breath of cold air. It only makes my chest hurt. Transferring from hot to cold so fast is tough on my weak heart. I'll be fine since it's a dream. The wind stirs up the branches. Iwanako flinches ever so softly against the gust of wind. She rights herself, as if supported by some new confidence. She is going to ask me out again. She's so cute.
Iwanako: "You see.. I wanted to know... if you'd go out with me..."
Hisao: "I wish I could."
Her eyes are full of shock and sadness. She didn't seem to be expecting this.
Hisao: "I would have said yes. You're still very cute and if I look at you, I can tell I still like you a lot. But unfortunately you can't change the past in a dream."
I say so quite realistically. Iwanako stares at me while I speak. She opens her mouth then closes it unable to figure out what to say. She doesn't say anything. She grabs my hand with both of hers. Through my glove I can tell her bare hands are ice cold. I can faintly make out the hint of warmth emanating from her.
Iwanako: "What are you talking about Hisao? This is real, I'm right here next to you, for real."
The dream tries to convince me otherwise. She grips my hand harder. Strange. If I ignore the common sense of 'how did I get here', everything else would be real. The pressure of Iwanako's hands on mine. The warmth from her. The melting snow on my head. Even my beating heart is real. Why would I be here? It could be..
Hisao: "Ha... Alright, funny joke, I fell for it. Where is everyone? Hiding?
I scan the perimeter. No signs of life are present anywhere.
Iwanako: "Hisao... I'm being serious here."
She pouts and releases my hand. There's a slightly angry and sad tone in her voice. Her eyes are still waiting for me to accept this reality and give her a proper answer. I hate to hurt a girls feelings, but this joke is a bit too far. This was the first time I had my heart attack. I trace my chest with my hand, that familiar scar is a reminder that my life is different. The only proof needed to ascertain that my life is far from normal. I can't even hope for such a thing.
Hisao: "......."
I throw my glove off and rip open my jacked. Iwanako looks at me like I'm crazy. Not there? It's not there. No scar? It's not there. It's not there. My heart pounds inside my chest. Do I be happy or sad or scared or delighted? It's not there! It's not a joke? It's not there! Yamaku? It's not there! Everyone? They're not here! My life flashes before my eyes. Everyone I met, everyone I spoke to, those I liked and loved and hated. I can't see them anymore? I stop breathing. I try to breathe but it hurts. I know this feeling. The same scary feeling, the cold hands of death grab my heart. I massage my throat, but pain assaults my arms. My heart gives up.
Iwanako: "Hisao?! HISAO!!"
I collapse in the snow. The world around me fades away. The last thing I remember are the sounds of Iwanako screaming and my own self thinking about Yamaku Academy and the girl I left behind.
After my surgery, like before, my body is too heavy to move. My arms dull and heavy, my legs dead and limp. Of course my chest stabs me with pain if I move it in any direction. But worst of all, my head is pounding me with questions of why. All I can do is lie here and think. Drowning in my pool of questions. My head is a beehive, my questions are the bees. The queen bee is 'why' or sometimes 'how'. The working bees are all the other important and meaningless inquiries. Some of them fly off and die, others look for answers and feed the drone bees. Drones carry fledgling responses to the queen and create more workers named 'why'.
I've been thinking. For some reason my life was returned to the past. I'll ignore the intricate details of why, how, and anything else for later. I can change this life to however I want. I was thinking I could have saved myself from having a heart attack. I could have lived a normal life. But that's impossible. This arrhythmia was always with me, so delaying the inevitable was pointless. Either way, this was the life chosen for me.
When I'm able to move my head and arms well enough I write down my thoughts on paper. Mainly so I can sort out my ideas. I can't write half as fast as my brain comes up with questions, but that will make it easier to organize everything. My own personal diary. I'll create a library instead of an unorganized beehive. If anyone cares to ask me how I can write about my days doing nothing but staying in the hospital; I'm writing a book, so don't read it! I hope it doesn't encourage them to try and read it.
Why am I here? Did someone bring me here? How many times will this happen?
I can't get any answers by myself. I should start to question other people. Maybe they know something. Something similar could have happened to them before, or they saw someone suspicious. Well, more suspicious than a normally suspicious person. Maybe I did it to myself, do I have special powers or something? I'll try it later. What if some evil organization is looking for the person who traveled back in time to kill them. What if they find me? The doctors could be in it. They're the most likely subject. They know me the most. They're around me more than anyone. What kind of questions can I ask to know what side they're on?
Is the world exactly the same as before? I could be speaking a different language for all I know. Wait. Would I know that? What happened to the 'Hisao' that was living here just before 'I' arrived? Did 'I' erase 'him'? Did 'I' absorb 'his' memories; therefore things that would be different seem the same to 'me'? Maybe 'he' took 'my' old spot. And is living comfortably at Yamaku. That bastard!
Why me? It feels like that old movie. It's not a single day but the circumstances are the same, as far as I know. Maybe I gotta get the correct ending? I was pretty sure I was doing good last time. I was happy and all. If I die right now, do I get to reset? Maybe I was supposed to die instead of live back in the snow and the world sent me back. If it did, why do I have memories?
An evil organization set out to kill people who travel back in time for no reason. What if they don't want to kill me, but use me as a guinea pig? Maybe they want to take over the world themselves. Those selfish bastards. Attacking a disabled person. How low can they get. I should listen about Kenji's evil organizations theory more often. I can probably get some pointers on how to avoid them. The only thing I learned was to close curtains, thwart snipers. Since I remembered that, I've kept my curtains in this hospital room closed as much as possible. But the nurses keep opening it. I think they're spy's sent here to make sure I make a mistake and get caught.
If I question people about my experience, I can ask them something simple like: 'Hey, do I know you?' If they naturally say 'No, I don't think so.' it's likely they really don't' know. Unless they're a qualified trained spy. Bad news if they are, I'll be caught then and there. I can probably, just probably, play it off as 'deja vu' or 'you look like someone I know'. But I can't do it too many times. I might be under surveillance for some reason. I'm glad Iwanako wasn't a spy. I would have been dead already. I'm on alert of all the doctors here. The head cardiologist is a suspicious person. More suspiciously suspicious than normal. He's so suspicious he seems normal. But I can see through him. In fact, I just realized something. All I need to do is act normal around everyone. If the evil organization had the power to travel in time or change the past or whatever, they wouldn't need me. Assuming this, none of them are from the future. Therefore any changes I make would be 'normal' to them. Wait. Damn. That means I can't win the lottery. Wait. If they don't know what I'm gonna do, or they can't see the future, how can I be a suspect? Who says they can't see the future? They can't travel through time, but they can see the past and future time lines? If that is true, why do they need me?
What if there is no evil organization? If there is no organization, no one or nothing is after me. I can act freely as I want. I can live a free life. But, again, why me? Is it by a random act or chance, coincidence, divine intervention, misfortune, or anything else I can't think of? If it was randomly done by chance, the probability of it is I'll bet staggeringly low. So low that it doesn't happen. And if it does happen, then it probably happens to a bug. Am I a bug? In the grand scale of the universe? Yes I probably am, but back on earth I am not. This doesn't make me happy at all. The chances of it happening again at the same time, with me resetting to the same place are close enough to zero that you can multiply it by a number and the answer would be zero. But I'm just guessing that. However, if this reset was a divine intervention. I can't do anything to stop it can I? To get my life past that end point, I have to do something to make the divine entity happy. If it told me what it wanted, I'm sure I wouldn't agree to help it. After all, I did have another life changing event called a HEART ATTACK!! I hope it read that. In order to please the 'God', I would have to get all the keys in the right places. It's a lot harder since I don't have any keys. Well, I have all the keys, but I don't know where they go. So it's kinda like looking for hay in a hay stack, while blind folded. And you gotta find a specific piece of hay. Plus your hay is as big as the world. You have only so many months to find it. I'm very depressed if that was the case. If this was set upon me by an act of misfortune? If that was the case, then I can live my life normally. I can forget anything happened and consider it a jolt of bad luck. That's some luck.
I can't imagine anything that would need to be changed from my previous life. Well, I did try and cheat on a test once, but.. I don't think that's something so epic a time traveling mystery would be evoked. Did I step on a snail that was destined to change a boy's life? The boy looks at the snail and all its sliminess and shellyness and grows up to become a snail scientist that discovers the cure for arrhythmia? I hope that's the case. Did I read somewhere a snail doesn't have a heart? Maybe it was some kind of fish?
I've thought about going about the same life I had before. I don't think I can do it. The same conversations, the same emotions, the same feelings and events. I can't imagine what that would be like, and I don't want to lie to people like that. Acting out my false emotions when I know the truth. That's like a murderer telling his victim 'No, I didn't kill you.' Why did I just compare myself to a murderer?
I should set up rules. Certain rules to prevent awkward situations between me and people I shouldn't know. Everyone I was friends with, I had met them within a few days or weeks that I started Yamaku. Shizune and Misha sit next to me; it's impossible not to talk to them. Hanako reads in the library like I do quite often. Kenji is my neighbor. I wonder if I can change rooms. Emi trains on the track field like I should be doing. Rin is good friends with Emi. I'll meet her too. Lily.. I guess it was by chance I met Lily. We sometimes drank tea together in that room.
Oh. I guess I'll continue to write in this diary of mine. I'll put their names down, the date, when I met them, any important info we spoke about. Time traveling is so much trouble. Well as far as rules go.. Rule Number 1: Refer to your diary! Do I have to call it a diary? How about journal. Rule Number 1: Refer to your Journal! Much better.
Summary:
Who or what did this? Dunno
Why me? Dunno
Does anyone else remember? Dunno
What number is this? (Including my first life) Second.
Is anyone suspicious after me? (Not including the doctors/nurses) Dunno.
No new information is apparent to me. I didn't learn anything nor find any clues. Finding clues was the hardest part. The nurses rarely let me wander the hallways. The doctors wanted to put restraints on me. I had to calm down more often than not. I forgot how hard it was to recover from this. But still, it seemed a lot easier this time. Would I like to go through it again? No way! Am I going to? Probably..
I gave up on writing after that. Just like last time, I passed the remaining time in the hospital by reading books. Although the books in the small 'library' at the hospital were the same, there were still several that I hadn't read. I may have just gotten lucky. But if I'm gonna repeat this again, I wouldn't know what to do when I run out of books. That thought by itself scared me more than the pain in my chest. The pain. The sharp burning sensation that wouldn't go away arose from time to time. Naturally I had to use my old routine of meditation to calm down and relax.
The day has finally come. The day I get told I can go home. The same day I hear about Yamaku Academy. I've been trying to prepare myself for this day. I was working on my acting skills to fool everyone. I would rather not fool people into anything. There's not much else I can do. It would be an awkward conversation to listen to a stranger blab about how he knows everything and everyone. I know I wouldn't believe him. Sometimes I wonder maybe I just went crazy and this was all an illusion. It would greatly explain lots of things.
The doctor comes in and gives me a smile. My parents are here. They are dressed up again. The doctor pointlessly arranges his papers, sits next to me and talks.
Doctor: "Hello, Hisao. How are you today?"
I don't remember what I did or said last time. I'm not sure if the evil organization has exact records of conversations, but I'll assume it is best to act normally. As normally as one could act if they already know what's going to happen.
Hisao: "Fine."
Doctor: "I believe you can go home today."
As expected the doctors conversation is the same. He shows us the list us medications I need to in order to live. The same exact pills.
Doctor: "Also, I've spoken with your parents... it would be best if you don't return to your old school."
There it is. Now I gotta put on my show. Naturally as possible, I act surprised. The doctor talks about Yamaku Academy. Interestingly the word 'disabled' doesn't have such a harsh effect on me this time around. I should have listened to him more the first time. Yamaku Academy. My experiences there told me many things. Much of which the doctor is saying now. I rest my head on the bed, in an effort to show that I'm tired. While the adults keep talking, I stare at the ceiling thinking about my future-past conundrum. I ponder over the intricate object known as cause and effect. I still want to choose the same lifestyle as before. Could I handle the endless repetition of events and conversations as well as lying and deceit? It will only feel like I pity them. A clean slate. The doctor says. I believed that last time. Technically it is still true. No one knows me, no one remembers me. I shouldn't be thinking about depressing things now. I go to sleep, still unsure what I'll do come that fateful day.
Yamaku Academy school gate. Red bricks, black wrought iron and grey plaster. It's still the same. I'm not entirely sure what I thought about this gate when I first saw it. I really should stop comparing myself to my past life. My past life is just that. It does not exist anymore. It's sad when you have to tell yourself that you don't exist. I've been staring at the nostalgic gate for too long. I move forward and enter the gate. Whether I want to or not. I'll see everyone again soon.
Muto: "You must be.."
Hisao: "Nakai. Hisao Nakai."
Muto greets himself and we shake hands. He tells me to visit the nurse later. Naturally I offer to introduce myself to the class. While heading to class 3-3, there's one thing I keep telling myself. I don't know anyone or anything. Over and over I repeat that in my head. The last thing I wanna do is make a mistake so early in the game. Muto enters the classroom. Why should I feel nervous? I've done this before, literally. Is talking to an audience so difficult? News presenters must really have guts to do this kind of thing.
The students are all the same. The boy with the cane, the girl with one arm, the pink haired girl and the blue haired girl doing Sign Language. Muto starts clapping, giving me the go to introduce myself.
Hisao: "I'm Hisao Nakai. I like to read and "
I falter for a second. What do I like to do? Shouldn't I know myself best?
Hisao: "and exercise. I hope to get along with everyone."
They all clap again after Muto finishes talking. I take my seat where he tells me to.
Hisao: "Hi, nice to meet you."
Misha: "Hahaha~!"
Her laughter calms me down a bit. I haven't heard it in forever. She explains things to me; she's Misha, the other girl is Shizune. Of course I knew that but who cares. We begin working on our group project and soon lunch time arrives. I just realized the school work and exams will be a piece of cake. Lucky.
The bell rings for the end of school. Misha and Shizune apologize and leave to attend to other things. I take out my Journal and write what happened so far.
XX/XX
1. Shizune; met her today
2. Misha; met her today
I head to the nurses office. I shouldn't know where it is but who cares. He explains the things I already know; 24-hour nursing staff, physical therapy, etc. He looks at my papers and drones on about my health and well-being. I know he's only trying to help but I think he can tell I'm bored. Do I put this meeting down in my journal?
I end up walking around the school some more. I thought I might bump into someone I know. Sadly, everyone went home for the day. I do the same. When I end up in front of room 117 I'm confronted with some kind of emotion. Do I knock? I'm seriously considering whether to knock or not. I don't wanna find out what'll happen if I don't greet him properly. So I knock.
I'll regret the next ten minutes for as long as I live. I definitely won't knock if I reset again.
3. Kenji; met him today
I enter my unusually undecorated room, lay down and fall asleep with the end of day 1.
The morning sun is showing its brilliance and brightness through my window. My alarm clock yells like a rooster 'it's time to get up!' The gray walls of this room make me feel at home. Technically, I've never been here but who cares. True, I did spend more time in the hospital room but I can actually leave this one. Therefore, it feels like a 'place to come back to'. I already know what to do for today. I take my medication and get dressed. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the cool air of my room before heading to the track.
Emi Ibarazaki. The playful, energetic, and happy girl of Yamaku Academy. I had become her boyfriend. It was rare we didn't see each other more than a day apart. She helped me exercise and showed me the way towards healthy life. At first she was like a Drill Instructor training a new recruit. "Keep running Hisao! How's your heart Hisao? Don't die on me Hisao! Stop eating junk food!!" She became more lenient. However her kindness never vanished. Soon after, I asked her to go steady with me. I guess I was surprised when she said yes. I almost had a heart attack, so yeah, I was surprised. I learned so many things about her, and Rin too. She really is cheerful and smart. She likes to help everyone with their problems, especially if it's about health. But the most important thing I learned was: She's not as strong as she acts.
While I'm doing a few warm up stretches Emi notices and calls out, bouncing over this way.
Emi: "Heeeyyy~!" "Hey, you're the new guy aren't you?"
Hisao: "Yeah, I'm Hisao Nakai."
I can't look at her in the eye.
Emi: "I'm surprised your here. Usually no one comes."
She continues talking to me about an assortment of things. Track team, the nurse, good exercise habits, all the while helping me stretch. After a couple of laps running around, I slow down to a walk. This is too much. I gotta reassess my limit again. I'll be in trouble if I over do it. While I'm walking around the track catching my breath, Emi catches up to me.
Emi: "Finished already?"
Hisao: "Yeah, I don't wanna over do it. It's just my first day after all."
Emi: "I'm surprised. You seem to know what your doing. Maybe I don't have to watch you so much now. Keep doing your best Hisao! Maybe we can have a race soon! See ya!"
She says so while running off to finish her routine. I shudder at the thought of racing Emi. I can count the number of times I've beaten her on one hand. Zero. I head back to the dorms, take a shower and get ready for class.
XX/XX
1. Emi; met her this morning.
During class Shizune and Misha encourage me to join them and help the student council. However that's one of the last things I would want to do. I politely decline, opting to join the track team or art club instead. When lunch time comes I grab some bread and a drink from the cafeteria and go to the rooftop. It really was an accident that I came here. Eating on the roof so often became a habit for the three of us.
Rin: "Hello."
Rin pops up in front of me. Staring at my food.
Hisao: "Hello." "... Can I help you?"
She stands there. Standing in my way.
Emi: "Is that .. Hisao?"
Hisao: "Yeah, hey Emi. This girl.."
She moves past me. Like a malfunctioned booby trap; Rin steps out of the way, never taking her eyes off Emi's food. I take this chance and enter the rooftop.
Emi: "Have you two met?"
Rin: "Yes."
Hisao: "No." "..."
I know it's her personality that answers like that. But for a second I feel hopeful that someone might remember.
Rin: "We just met. But we haven't met."
That hopeful second turned into false hope and sorrow. Emi invited me to eat lunch with them. She introduced me to Rin Tezuka. I already knew her but I can't say that. We eat lunch casually as though we're accustomed to it. Except for the fact that we talk to each other like we don't know the each other. Because we don't. But it went pretty smooth for a first time thing. Mostly thanks to Emi's happy-go-lucky personality.
When I returned to class Shizune and Misha were missing. Though I can imagine their scornful eyes watching me. Berating me about the student council. The rest of the day went by boringly. I went to my dorm room, avoiding Kenji as thoroughly as I can. There's nothing to do besides homework. After it is done, I copy some memories onto paper and go to sleep.
2. Rin; met her today at lunch.
3. Had lunch with Emi and Rin.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish. I keep hoping and praying, maybe someone will remember what happened. If I hang around Emi or Rin a lot, they can probably recall an event or two. It doesn't have to be them two. Anyone is fine. Misha or Lily. No one specific. I just want someone to remember something. I don't want these memories to be false. I don't want to forget them.
To be continued.
Authors notes: Suggestion box is open.