The Assembly
Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:52 pm
If anyone catches the obscure movie reference without using google, you're my new best friend.
Also, don't take this seriously.
____________________________________________
The sun bathed the atmosphere around the Yamaku School for Crippled Children in an ambient odor both pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. A Heisenberg odor. Passing the grandiose cellular phone display in the main hall, Birna Fussleson, who hails from Schlarb Ohio in the USA, was making her way to the student assembly which was supposed to be an important event for many students in the school. A good ways down the hall, there was a sign taped to a wet cloor cone which said "White tiles are now lava from this point on. Advance at your discretion. Have a nice day. Failure to have a nice day will result in a fine." Birna raised a hand to her chin in an inquisitive manner and thought back on the events of the day so far. She had gotten up to brush her teeth and take a shower. Then, breakfast was consumed. This breakfast consisted of a glass of orange juice coinciding with butter and strawberry jam on toast. Two minutes later, she encountered her friend Ping Pong Wong Chong and was told that there was an assembly today. Overall, it had been a satisfactory day, and Birna quietly sighed in relief at the thought of not having to pay a fine.
In no time Birna began to skip over the white linoleum tiles and step only on the black colored ones. The tiles, which are usually placed in a pattern, didn't seem to follow any consistency at all. Sometimes jarring, sometimes depressingly simple, this game of The Floor is Lava quickly sparked the pyre of determination in Birna. "You can't let the floor kick your ass." she thought to herself. "You're the one who kicks ass. Fuck the floor." The boost of confidence which came from this personal prep talk was almost overwhelming. She quickly got the hang of it and made strident progress down the hallway. Eventually, Birna turned a corner and saw, from several arm's lengths away, that a crowd of people had begun to clot the halls while standing on a gathering of black tiles. A safe haven. She went over and stood on the black tiles. Wondering what was going on, she asked a stranger with an eye patch "What's going on?" No answer. Birna tapped the boy on the shoulder and asked again, in a sterner voice, "Yo, what's going on?", which seemed to get his attention. The boy with the eye patch turned, stared, shrugged, and said "Dunno."
A splintering amount of frustration built up inside of Birna. Too much frustration. In fact, if this frustration were to be converted into a tangible substance and measured on a scale of mind bogglement from one to ten, with ten being highest, it would be a ten. Nothing more than ten, since ten is as high as the scale goes. It is possible to expand the scale beyond ten, but that would be unnecessary considering that ten is a good and round number. Anyways, this frustration which would score a ten on the mind bogglement scale should it be turned into a tangible substance was enough to give Birna a brand new feeling not felt before by any human. Of course, every feeling is accompanied by a facial expression, and Birna's facial expression was one of enigmatic proportions. It was a brand new facial expression which was so stupendous that no one could remember it if they even saw it. It was a facial expression which could only be named: The Anti-Face. Birna's Anti-Face nearly gave the boy with the eye patch a pseudoaneurysm as he cowered in fear. Only then, did he manage to sputter out the answer to her question. "Tth-hhthere's a, a blank spot! Iii-t has no black tiles! Five peoplediedalreadyDON'THURTME!" The boy with the eye patch fell to the ground as he said this, and finishing the sentence, spiraled into hypoglycemic shock. Birna, satisfied with this outburst of vague knowledge, shoved her way to the front of the crowd. Of course, the crowd had begun to smell of sweat and feces because of how many people were gathered into a poorly ventilated area.
The now spasming boy wasn't lying to Birna at all. Indeed, there was a gap between the black tiles. Nothing but white tiles infested the hallway for a few unestimatable feet, almost impossible to jump in the current situation. Not only that, but there were a few charred corpses in between the gap. It seemed as if some of the people had failed to make the jump. They were fools. At that moment, an idea ran thought Birna's head. She knew what to do. She clapped her hands together and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Ladies... gentlemen..." then, slapping her hands against her sternum, continued to say "fret not. I'm an expert at this shit. I need a volunteer." And pointing at a slender framed girl, said "You're my volunteer. Come here." She grabbed the girl's arm as soon as she was finished talking. The whimpering girl, who seemed to be of a normally friendly nature just went with the flow without resisting.
"All right," Birna said, "here's what you're going to do..." She moved her face closer to the girl's and made a passing monologue. "You know, you're really kind of cute." Closer. "What's your name, cutie?" Birna's voice became smoother, and more soothing. The girl blushed as their faces moved even closer. "Hmm?" The girl, now smiling calmly as their faces were less than an inch apart, opened her mouth and began to speak in a mousy voice "Umm.. I'm-" Interrupted. Because that's all the girl could get out before Birna's upper torso reared back and quickly lurched forward, successfully headbutting the girl with a fleshy clunk. Clearly too dazed to feel any pain, the small girl was easily tossed onto the white tiles by Birna. The surrounding crowd was too shocked to realize what exactly was going on. Birna, taking advantage of this, stepped onto the burning body of the girl before it became unusably crispy and used it as leverage to launch herself into a leap of great magnitude. This sizable jump, comparable to that of a normal jump, was only successful because the body of the girl gave extra leeway to Birna's planned areal traversing. In midair, her arm recoiled back and hastily shot forward, giving her a pose similar to that of an NBA player about to make a slam dunk. At the zenith of her midair punch, a cry of joy emanated from Birna's mouth, one which could move to tears. A cry of "YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHH"
The landing was perfect. Her feet landed directly in the middle of two black tiles. Berna turned around and flipped off the crowd while sticking her tongue out, then headed to the assembly. Inside the assembly hall, there was only three people. One teacher, the burnt corpse of one male student, and a girl with black hair and burn scars sitting next to the corpse. Berna sat down in one of the many empty seats, and the assembly began. The overhead lights dimmed and one of the other teachers in the school walked on stage, then began to speak in a droll, monotone voice that rivaled Ben Stein's. "Okay children, today's assembly is about the cafeteria food. Due to a recent mistake in labeling, salted products will now be separated from the non salted products. The salted foods will be placed behind a red line, which has been painted on the floor of the cafeteria last night. This new cafeteria categorization will take effect tomorrow, though. On another note, anyone caught with alcohol will be expelled from this school. A student was caught on the roof of the school with a bottle of alcohol during the festival. This will not be tolerated, and the student in question has been taken care of. You may now return to your currently scheduled classes. Thank you, and watch out for the lava." Birna smiled to herself. She definitely would have been confused without this assembly, and was thankful for its occurrence. Today was going to be a great day.
Also, don't take this seriously.
____________________________________________
The sun bathed the atmosphere around the Yamaku School for Crippled Children in an ambient odor both pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. A Heisenberg odor. Passing the grandiose cellular phone display in the main hall, Birna Fussleson, who hails from Schlarb Ohio in the USA, was making her way to the student assembly which was supposed to be an important event for many students in the school. A good ways down the hall, there was a sign taped to a wet cloor cone which said "White tiles are now lava from this point on. Advance at your discretion. Have a nice day. Failure to have a nice day will result in a fine." Birna raised a hand to her chin in an inquisitive manner and thought back on the events of the day so far. She had gotten up to brush her teeth and take a shower. Then, breakfast was consumed. This breakfast consisted of a glass of orange juice coinciding with butter and strawberry jam on toast. Two minutes later, she encountered her friend Ping Pong Wong Chong and was told that there was an assembly today. Overall, it had been a satisfactory day, and Birna quietly sighed in relief at the thought of not having to pay a fine.
In no time Birna began to skip over the white linoleum tiles and step only on the black colored ones. The tiles, which are usually placed in a pattern, didn't seem to follow any consistency at all. Sometimes jarring, sometimes depressingly simple, this game of The Floor is Lava quickly sparked the pyre of determination in Birna. "You can't let the floor kick your ass." she thought to herself. "You're the one who kicks ass. Fuck the floor." The boost of confidence which came from this personal prep talk was almost overwhelming. She quickly got the hang of it and made strident progress down the hallway. Eventually, Birna turned a corner and saw, from several arm's lengths away, that a crowd of people had begun to clot the halls while standing on a gathering of black tiles. A safe haven. She went over and stood on the black tiles. Wondering what was going on, she asked a stranger with an eye patch "What's going on?" No answer. Birna tapped the boy on the shoulder and asked again, in a sterner voice, "Yo, what's going on?", which seemed to get his attention. The boy with the eye patch turned, stared, shrugged, and said "Dunno."
A splintering amount of frustration built up inside of Birna. Too much frustration. In fact, if this frustration were to be converted into a tangible substance and measured on a scale of mind bogglement from one to ten, with ten being highest, it would be a ten. Nothing more than ten, since ten is as high as the scale goes. It is possible to expand the scale beyond ten, but that would be unnecessary considering that ten is a good and round number. Anyways, this frustration which would score a ten on the mind bogglement scale should it be turned into a tangible substance was enough to give Birna a brand new feeling not felt before by any human. Of course, every feeling is accompanied by a facial expression, and Birna's facial expression was one of enigmatic proportions. It was a brand new facial expression which was so stupendous that no one could remember it if they even saw it. It was a facial expression which could only be named: The Anti-Face. Birna's Anti-Face nearly gave the boy with the eye patch a pseudoaneurysm as he cowered in fear. Only then, did he manage to sputter out the answer to her question. "Tth-hhthere's a, a blank spot! Iii-t has no black tiles! Five peoplediedalreadyDON'THURTME!" The boy with the eye patch fell to the ground as he said this, and finishing the sentence, spiraled into hypoglycemic shock. Birna, satisfied with this outburst of vague knowledge, shoved her way to the front of the crowd. Of course, the crowd had begun to smell of sweat and feces because of how many people were gathered into a poorly ventilated area.
The now spasming boy wasn't lying to Birna at all. Indeed, there was a gap between the black tiles. Nothing but white tiles infested the hallway for a few unestimatable feet, almost impossible to jump in the current situation. Not only that, but there were a few charred corpses in between the gap. It seemed as if some of the people had failed to make the jump. They were fools. At that moment, an idea ran thought Birna's head. She knew what to do. She clapped her hands together and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Ladies... gentlemen..." then, slapping her hands against her sternum, continued to say "fret not. I'm an expert at this shit. I need a volunteer." And pointing at a slender framed girl, said "You're my volunteer. Come here." She grabbed the girl's arm as soon as she was finished talking. The whimpering girl, who seemed to be of a normally friendly nature just went with the flow without resisting.
"All right," Birna said, "here's what you're going to do..." She moved her face closer to the girl's and made a passing monologue. "You know, you're really kind of cute." Closer. "What's your name, cutie?" Birna's voice became smoother, and more soothing. The girl blushed as their faces moved even closer. "Hmm?" The girl, now smiling calmly as their faces were less than an inch apart, opened her mouth and began to speak in a mousy voice "Umm.. I'm-" Interrupted. Because that's all the girl could get out before Birna's upper torso reared back and quickly lurched forward, successfully headbutting the girl with a fleshy clunk. Clearly too dazed to feel any pain, the small girl was easily tossed onto the white tiles by Birna. The surrounding crowd was too shocked to realize what exactly was going on. Birna, taking advantage of this, stepped onto the burning body of the girl before it became unusably crispy and used it as leverage to launch herself into a leap of great magnitude. This sizable jump, comparable to that of a normal jump, was only successful because the body of the girl gave extra leeway to Birna's planned areal traversing. In midair, her arm recoiled back and hastily shot forward, giving her a pose similar to that of an NBA player about to make a slam dunk. At the zenith of her midair punch, a cry of joy emanated from Birna's mouth, one which could move to tears. A cry of "YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHH"
The landing was perfect. Her feet landed directly in the middle of two black tiles. Berna turned around and flipped off the crowd while sticking her tongue out, then headed to the assembly. Inside the assembly hall, there was only three people. One teacher, the burnt corpse of one male student, and a girl with black hair and burn scars sitting next to the corpse. Berna sat down in one of the many empty seats, and the assembly began. The overhead lights dimmed and one of the other teachers in the school walked on stage, then began to speak in a droll, monotone voice that rivaled Ben Stein's. "Okay children, today's assembly is about the cafeteria food. Due to a recent mistake in labeling, salted products will now be separated from the non salted products. The salted foods will be placed behind a red line, which has been painted on the floor of the cafeteria last night. This new cafeteria categorization will take effect tomorrow, though. On another note, anyone caught with alcohol will be expelled from this school. A student was caught on the roof of the school with a bottle of alcohol during the festival. This will not be tolerated, and the student in question has been taken care of. You may now return to your currently scheduled classes. Thank you, and watch out for the lava." Birna smiled to herself. She definitely would have been confused without this assembly, and was thankful for its occurrence. Today was going to be a great day.
