Schwäche
Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 1:20 pm
I am well and truly fucked.
Lips seek lips, sweat and heat commingling with the sounds of heavy panting. The room is humid. Two prosthetic legs lie discarded on the floor. Fingers entwine; toes curl. Smells – sweet and pungent, so right yet so wrong.
This is wrong. This is very, very wrong.
Hands run up a flat stomach toward soft mounds of flesh, moist with passion and desire. A moan and a shudder – lips meet again and again, hungry for satisfaction.
Stop thinking about this, just get out of here! Just go! Now!
Bodies move; hips grind. The sound of rustling sheets. Hot breath steams the window, coming ragged and quick. A single second of hesitation as drops of water run down the pane of glass. A cry of pain, and a grunt of pleasure.
Oh God, what have I done?
----------
"Good morning, Hisao."
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck "Good morning, Emi." Fuck SHIT FUCK ME "Sleep well?"
Two bodies lay on a small bed, soaked with sweat and shame. Early morning sun shone in through the window, illuminating light brown hair and pale skin, engulfed in a man's arms. Emi faced the wall. With a small smile and a sigh her body nestled closer to Hisao's chest. "Yes."
I refuse to accept this situation as reality. Hisao's eyes remained firmly shut as Emi turned in his embrace. Stiff nipples jabbed him in his side; a small twitch ran over his forehead. Oh come on...
Long hair brushed against his face as the girl raised her head with a sad look in her eyes, realizing finally what had conspired the night before, what situation she found herself in. "Um..." She began to shiver and dropped her gaze to the boy's chest, where their hands were clasped lightly. "Thank you for last night..."
Please don't mention that... "Ah..." Before Hisao could respond Emi withdrew her body, moving toward the end of the bed.
"I know." The two simple words caused Hisao to cautiously open an eyelid, shivering from the sudden cold. "It was a one-time thing." More movement in the small dorm room: Emi massaged the stump of her right leg. "I won't tell anyone if you don't."
"That's not how this works." In the cool morning air, Hisao's voice was more forceful than he intended. It can't. Not now.
More wisps of brown hair brushed against Hisao's skin as the small girl shook her head. His foot involuntarily twitched from the sensation. "Yes it is. It has to." The bed creaked beneath her shifting weight. "You have a girlfriend."
Lilly...
A croak escaped Hisao's lips then, regret condensed into sound waves. "I..." Propping himself up on his elbows, the terrified boy looked down, past his legs. Emi sat, naked and facing away, trembling with the effort of holding back sobs. "Emi, I-"
"Don't." Tears appeared in the girl's eyes then, suddenly and ferociously forcing themselves against her eyelids. She blinked them back, turned her head slightly. Snow had begun to fall outside. "I wanted it."
Hisao had no response. He could only watch as his lover retrieved her legs. Funny how she gets those before her bra or panties. Shaking off the idle thoughts, Hisao forced words into the still air. "I'll break up with Lilly." Wide eyes turned to regard him intently. "I have to."
Anger flashed in those green orbs, heat searing his retinas. "If you do that I'll never forgive you." She stood, then, on the plastic and metal contraptions that had replaced her legs. Long bangs covered her face, hid her expression. "Just forget this. Please." She turned to begin re-dressing; despite their newly intimate relationship, she wanted to hide her body as much as possible. Panties, bra, a sweatshirt that looked like it would fit a child – all covered spots of pink flesh. Hisao's heart ached.
Dry lips protested painfully as Hisao opened his mouth. As if she knew it was coming, Emi covered her ears and shrieked, "Stop it!" Obediently, those dry, cracked lips closed. "Just... don't say anymore." Sweatpants were followed by shoes. Sufficiently decent Emi faced Hisao again, a disconcertingly cheerful smile on her face. "I'll see you later, okay?" The doorknob turned in a shaking hand. "I don't think we need to work out today, but tomorrow morning you'd better not be late!"
As she left the room, Hisao thought he saw a tear work its way down her face; but he couldn't be sure.
In the hallway, Emi leaned against the closed door, fighting back sobs.
----------
It was winter break at Yamaku. Most of the students had elected to go home for the long holiday, but some decided to stay. They all had their reasons, ranging from the depressing to the mundane. Emi's family had gone to England that break, to visit family. She just didn't want to give up exercise for so long.
Hisao stayed because Lilly asked him to keep an eye on Hanako, who stayed because of family issues. Though the purple-haired girl had made great strides in some respects, she still had a weakness for her family.
Akira picked Lilly up, to take a trip to her place for the holiday. It was a tradition, and Lilly couldn't imagine leaving her sister to fend for herself; it just wasn't in her nature. So on a bright, sunny morning, with their breaths steaming the short distance between them, Hisao had given Lilly a soft smile and a warm goodbye. His present to her, the only one he could give her just then, was a small, tender kiss on her cheek. She walked away blushing, but smiling radiantly. Hanako smiled and waved. "She's lucky to have you, Hisao," she had said later that day.
What a stupid thing we did.
Reeking of sex and fear a boy stared at his ceiling. Four long, hellish hours had passed since Emi left his room. He hadn't moved in that time, though the snow had long since stopped. Wind continued to blow, howling and rattling the window.
What on Earth happened?
Memories assaulted his consciousness.
----------
"I want you to start running with Emi in the mornings." The nurse's famous grin slipped a little. "I know you started to before, but you can't just blow this off again. It's very important for your health."
Despite his initial recalcitrance Hisao found himself enjoying the exercise. He and Emi got along well enough, and he had never been in better shape. He was sleeping better, feeling more alert in class and overall more even-tempered and happy. It was a wonderful sensation. For the first time in his life Hisao was following a routine, and it felt great.
Every morning at 5:30 he would wake up and head out to the track, where Emi would be waiting with a bright smile on her face. Then she would put him through his paces. They would chat sometimes, when their runs didn't completely deprive them of breath. Emi would talk about anything – her family, the upcoming track meets, Rin, anything she could think of. Hisao talked about Lilly more than anything, but really he just listened. Emi loved to talk.
Hisao and Lilly had met by accident more than anything. When running, he would often smile with the memory of his first afternoon in the Tea Room. He saw her face the day of the school festival, when he'd realized there was something about Lilly that intrigued him; memories of the hastily-arranged birthday party came to mind, and how he had only learned about her birthday on the 25th of June; soft lips, their first kiss, still warm after so much time had passed. Usually Hisao was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice Emi's glances in his direction, becoming longer and longer as the weeks passed.
One weekend he and Emi ran a 5K, with Lilly's sister Akira, Lilly and Rin cheering from the sidelines. (Well, Lilly and Akira cheered; Rin just kind of showed up, then wandered off.) The look on Emi's face when she heard Lilly calling Hisao's name from the sidelines went unnoticed until far too late.
The morning had started off like any other: up early – later than usual because of the late-rising winter sun, but still earlier than most people cared for – and out to the track to meet Emi. She smiled and they joked a bit, about it being so lonely without anyone around. Then they were off, gray clouds hovering above the school like God himself was trying to make it as cold and dreary as possible. Two short laps before disaster struck.
Emi's prosthetic leg came down onto the cold, hard ground. A sharp crack pierced the stillness of the morning; momentum carried her body toward the Earth ferociously. She bounced a couple of times, tumbled, then slid to an abrupt halt. From Hisao's perspective the fall had taken twenty minutes. In fact, only a couple short seconds had passed.
Almost instantly the boy was at Emi's side, shaking her carefully. "Emi? Are you all right?" She refused to stir. "Emi? Emi!" The jagged metal edge of her busted leg had ripped a furrow into the track. Her eyes were closed and she wasn't responding. Hisao panicked. Instinct kicked in and he hurriedly picked up his running partner and hurried toward the main building. "Hang on, Emi," he muttered half to himself and half to the unconscious girl in his arms. "Everything's going to be all right." How cliché was that? She stirred, but did not wake.
As soon as Hisao reached the nurse's office he was relieved of Emi's small body. "What happened?" asked the usually-smiling head nurse. Shaken, Hisao recounted the fall as the nurse checked Emi over for injuries. The boy nervously shifted his weight from foot to foot.
"That's all? Good." asked the man in the white coat after Hisao had finished the story. A smile returned to the nurse's lips. "She's just knocked out, I think. I won't know until she wakes up if she has a concussion or not, but I think she'll be fine."
"Should I...?" Hisao glanced at Emi quickly.
"No, no need to stick around." He retrieved his desk chair and pulled it over to Emi, continuing to check for injuries. "I'll make sure to let you know when she wakes up."
Numbly Hisao wandered out of the main building. She'll probably want her leg. He chuckled at the odd-sounding words. 'She'll probably want her leg.' Like saying 'she'll probably want her textbook.'
Legs, huh? He walked slowly toward the track, carefully noting how his body shook with each step, how the vibrations ran up through his feet, knees, thighs. His feet began to tingle as he focused on them; Hisao noticed how the muscles in his calves twitched, going up stairs. How would I feel if I had no legs? Wind blew, biting through the flimsy track jacket and sweats. It was going to be a cold day. His heart fluttered slightly, sending a rush of adrenaline through his veins. But nothing came of it.
No birds sang as he approached the track. The dark, winter sky gazed down on Hisao. Bending down to retrieve the broken piece of metal, the boy shook his head slightly. These things aren't supposed to break. Slowly he turned the object in his hands. Was it defective?
In the distance a clock chimed. Already so late? Feet scuffed against the ground, moving toward the boys' dorm. Cold metal pressed against his hand.
The shower was long and sweet. Hisao grabbed a quick bite to eat and checked the clock. 9:00. I wonder if I should go check on Emi? It had only been an hour since he left the unconscious girl with the nurse, but worried as he was Hisao couldn't stay away. He hurried back into the nurse's office to find that Emi had already woken and fallen back to sleep. "She's fine. I asked her to spend the day here, just as a precaution." The nurse shrugged slightly. "You can stay if you'd like."
Hisao politely declined. He didn't want to make Emi uncomfortable. So he walked up to the library and found Hanako. His friend was wearing long, dark pants and a blue turtleneck. "You look nice today." She blushed, but thanked him for the compliment anyway.
They read together, in silence.
For the boy, that morning crawled along. Every time someone walked by he raised his head, hoping it was Emi come to tell him she was all right. But it never was. Despite the nurse's assurances, Hisao was growing more worried with each passing second. Is she really all right?
After lunch he lost his resolve. "Sorry, Hanako, I've got to go check on something," he said standing up suddenly. "I'll see you later, okay?" Without waiting for a response he was gone, out the door and down the hallway. Yuuko raised a hand as the boy left without checking out the library book, but he took no notice.
Emi was still sleeping when he arrived, but the nurse was nowhere to be seen. Odd... Hisao pulled a chair next to Emi's prone form. I suppose I can wait here for a bit, to see if the nurse comes back. She seemed to be breathing calmly. Just being closer to her made Hisao feel less anxious. ...Maybe I'll stay until she wakes up. Cracking the book once more the boy began to wait.
When he started awake, his book falling to the floor, Emi was gone. The nurse looked up from his desk. "Ah, good morning." His smile was a bit more wan than usual. "Emi didn't want to wake you."
Didn't want to wake me? "How long was I asleep?"
"A couple of hours, probably." The man ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. "I had a bit of an emergency in the boys' dorm earlier, so I've only been with you for an hour or so."
That explains why he looks so tired. Hisao straightened, rubbed at his eyes lightly. "Is everyone all right?"
"Fine, now. Someone fell and broke his leg in the shower, but he's been taken care of."
"That's good." Bending down to grab his book, Hisao noticed a piece of paper where his bookmark should have been. He opened it slowly – it was in Emi's handwriting.
"Sorry Hisao, but I've got some paperwork to fill out here. Feel free to stick around but I'm going to be busy." Quickly the boy re-folded his note and tucked it inside his book.
"Ah, sorry. I'll just be going, then." He waved, the nurse nodded, and they parted ways.
As soon as he was out the door the note was back in his hands. 'Hisao' it read, in Emi's sloppy scrawl. 'Thank you for staying with me. It means a lot to me. I'm sorry for leaving you, but you looked so comfortable that I didn't want to wake you.' A small smile tugged at the corners of Hisao's mouth. 'If we don't get a chance to talk before tomorrow, make sure you're on time for our workout! -Emi.'
Well at least she's still chipper. That's a relief. Hisao decided to wander back toward the library. There was no need to go searching for Emi if she was all right, no matter if he was worried or not.
The rest of the afternoon went rather quickly, all things considered. He and Hanako spent time together, reading – though Hisao did have to apologize to Yuuko for absconding with a book.
Dinner came and went; Hisao bid Hanako a good night and retreated to his bedroom. Despite his earlier nap he was tired and decided against any more reading.
He was just crawling into bed when someone knocked on the door. He threw on some clothes and opened the portal. It was Emi. She still wore her workout clothes, and Hisao could tell she was on the verge of tears. "Emi...?"
"Hi, Hisao." Her hair was in a single ponytail, unusual for her. "Can I come in?"
Some premonition tickled the back of Hisao's mind, but he ignored it. "Ah, sure, I guess." He moved out of the girl's way and flipped on a light. "Is something wrong?"
Emi took two steps into the room and sat on the desk chair Hisao had neglected to push back under the desk. She seemed to have her eyes glued to the ground. Neither teenager said anything.
Uncomfortably, Hisao closed the door partially, leaving a sliver of hallway light shining through into his bedroom. The fluorescent bulb illuminated something in his corner. "Ah." Moving over to retrieve the object, he held it out to Emi. "Here." It was the broken prosthesis from that morning. "I went back and picked this up. I don't know if you want it, but-"
Before he could react Emi had thrown herself into Hisao's arms, sobbing. "Emi? What's wrong?" No response. Emi just cried harder. With nothing else to do Hisao dropped the broken leg onto his bed and cautiously put his arms around the slight girl. She nuzzled into his embrace and continued to sob and hiccup unintelligibly atop Hisao's unkempt bed.
Slowly her tears dried, her control returned. She moved away to wipe at her eyes. They sat on the bed, separate but still awkwardly close, given their casual relationship. Hisao unconsciously scooted away, toward the head of the bed. A delicate sniff preceded Emi's words. "I'm sorry to come to you like this, Hisao, but Rin's gone for the break and I don't have anyone else I feel close enough-" She blushed a bit, rephrased her words. "...I mean I don't have anyone else to talk to."
"No problem," responded Hisao politely, if a bit unsettled by her word choice. "We're friends, you can talk to me anytime." Something is wrong here...
A tentative smile. "Thanks." Small hands clasped each other over her sternum. "I..." She closed her green eyes tightly and started speaking as quickly as Hisao had ever heard anyone speak before. "I try to put on a strong face in front of everyone because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm not supposed to be a little girl anymore. But it's really hard for me around this time of year because that's when the accident happened. And Rin is usually here to help me, she knows that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, because she's a really nice person. But she's not here and-and that's why I came to you and I'm sorry.
"But today when my leg broke everything came crashing back into reality for me and I just can't stand it! My leg broke again, and it felt like it did back then! I can't run anymore Hisao! I need to get another prosthetic leg, a prosthetic for my prosthetic," violently she tossed the broken piece of metal across the room, ricocheting off the door and clattering to the ground loudly. "I don't know if I can stand it!" Her voice was loud in the enclosed space.
Her eyes screwed shut once more; tears dripped down her face, to land on hands that gripped at her thighs with white-knuckled intensity. "I guess I'm not a very strong girl after all, and I' m sorry that you have to see me like this but it's so hard! I've been crying all day – I thought I could handle it by myself, without bothering anyone – but I can't, and there's no one else to talk to but you and I'm sorry for bothering you so late at night but I just don't know what I should do and-"
"Emi." Hisao interrupted her forcefully. Tears continued to drip onto the backs of her hands. "It's all right." With a smile, he removed a handkerchief from his bedside table and offered it to the crying girl. "No one expects you to be anything but what you are." Something seems very wrong here.
Their fingers brushed against each other as Emi accepted the handkerchief. Hisao jerked his hand back, as if shocked, and his heart started racing. Oh no... Emi sniffled and opened her liquid green eyes to look at Hisao. Oh God, is that what's going on? "Thanks," mumbled the girl, wiping her face delicately. Here Be Dragons.
"A-Anyway," started Hisao quickly, trying to keep his mind off of terrible things, "I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I only know how hard it's been dealing with my heart condition. And if you ask me, you're doing much better than I am."
Brown hair swung back and forth. "No, I'm not. I just lost my legs. You could die at any time!"
Hisao scratched at his chest absently, feeling the scars on his chest. "Our disabilities aren't comparable like that, Emi. I don't know how you feel, and you don't know how I feel."
Fingers tightened around Hisao's handkerchief. "Oh. I-I'm sorry..." Emi sounded like she was going to cry again.
Aw, hell... "No, no, that's not what I meant. I-" Hisao took a deep breath and tried to choose his words carefully. "Emi, you don't know what it's like to have a heart condition, just like I don't know what it's like to lose my legs. They're very... different things. But I do know what it's like to suffer some sort of injury, and I know how hard it can be to deal with sometimes." He tried to put on a reassuring smile. But not too reassuring. I don't want to give her the wrong idea, if what I think is going on is going on... "I haven't dealt with my problems as well as you seem to have, is all I'm saying.
"Besides, if you want to cry, cry. No one is going to think less of you for it. At least, I won't – and anyone who does doesn't deserve to be your friend, anyway." Another brave smile.
Their eyes met, and Hisao's smile faltered as Emi's eyes began to leak once more. Her face pressed against his chest; his own face started to burn. "Oh, Hisao! It's so hard sometimes...!"
Once more wrapping his arms around Emi – tentatively, cautiously – he began to stroke her hair. "I know," he muttered, trying to be supportive. "I know."
Emi had started to tremble slightly. "Why didn't the other driver see the red light? Why didn't my dad take a different route home?"
The girl was vulnerable, she was opening up to Hisao; he couldn't just kick her out, no matter how uncomfortable their position was making him, or how hot it had gotten in the room. "I don't know. No one does, I think."
"Why didn't I sit in the back seat, like Mom told me to?"
"I don't know that, either."
More sobs wracked her petite frame. She felt like a doll in Hisao's arms. "Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?"
"Now that's where I have to stop you." Putting pressure on Emi's shoulders Hisao pushed her back, to look into her eyes. "You are normal, Emi. More normal than I am, at least."
Her eyes dropped. "You have legs! I'm just a crippled girl with-"
"Stop," gently chided the boy. "You said that earlier, and it's still not true. You may not have legs, but you're a smart, strong person who knows what she wants and works to get it. You're a heck of a lot more normal than some of the guys at my old high school."
A wisp of delicate hair fell in front of the girl's emerald eyes. That is dangerous, do not let her hair do that! Hisao cleared his throat nervously. Emi's voice squeaked, "I'm not strong..." She sniffled once, delicately, and Hisao swore the temperature spiked ten degrees.
"Oh yeah you are," he squeezed past his rapidly tightening throat. "You're the best runner I've ever seen, legs or no. And, I mean, come on: you've been whipping me into shape since I got here." Another smile revealed Hisao's teeth. "I'm not always the easiest person to handle, and you're keeping me on my diet and exercise plan like a pro."
Tears were starting to dry, leaving streaks on her red face. "...Really?"
Hisao nodded. "Yeah, really. You should've seen what I ate back home."
She let out a small giggle. "Well you can be pretty lazy..."
"Heck yeah I can be." The two shared a small smile. "And the only reason I'm in such good shape right now is because of you."
Several beats passed. Hisao thought he was out of the weeds, that Emi was feeling better, until she let out an anguished cry and buried her face into his chest once more. "But I don't have any legs! Even Lilly has legs! If someone looks at her he doesn’t say, 'oh, look at the crippled girl.' No one can even tell she's blind unless they know her! But-but if someone sees me, they say-"
"They say, 'wow, what a cutie.'" Somewhere in Hisao's head curse words rang out. You are a moron and you deserve what you get. Emi froze, still as a statue. The room got even hotter. You are making a mistake, Hisao. You KNOW what is going on here, and you aren't helping yourself. Are you really prepared to betray Lilly like this? Words escaped his lips without consent: "You're a bright, cheerful girl, full of energy and as cute as they come."
"Stop," she protested quietly.
"No. It's true." Is it? Is it really? "The first time I met you, do you remember? Running into me in the hallway?" Hisao felt the girl smile against his chest. "I didn't think, 'oh my God she's a freak she has no legs.' I thought, 'wow, she's really cute.'" His hand continued to stroke a brown head slowly. "I may also have thought you looked like a hurt puppy."
Emi pushed back and pouted, cutely. Lilly would not like this. A quick glance to the door confirmed that it was indeed still open. Good. "A cute hurt puppy?" She was blushing.
"Yeah. A cute hurt puppy."
She smiled. He smiled. They shared a long moment, sitting together on that small bed, when their eyes locked and their hearts were one.
Their minds knew better, however.
Emi stood up quickly, blushing beet red and stammering, "S-Sorry!" Hisao jumped back a few inches, nervously scratching the side of his head. A quick, shallow bow. "I'll leave now! Thank you for talking to me!" Emi moved toward the door like a rabbit fleeing a fox.
"Emi, wait." Hisao's mind was working furiously. He knew he loved Lilly, knew without a doubt that he would not – could not – be with Emi. But he also knew that something inside of him, some part of him wanted her to stay. He wanted to protect her, make her feel safe. He cared for her like a sister, or a childhood friend. Thoughts warred back and forth for a long moment, while Emi stood with her back to Hisao.
Finally, he broke the silence. "You know you can talk to me anytime, right?" Emi turned to look over her shoulder; Hisao was smiling. "I'm always here for you."
"Thank you, Hisao." She affected a slight smirk. "Good night." The door closed behind her.
Dodged a bullet. Hisao could just imagine explaining to Lilly what had happened, how he had kissed Emi, how it wasn't his fault. He softly shook his head. What's scary is, I don't know if I'm strong enough to reject Emi. He kicked back onto his bed, started undressing. I'll have to watch myself around her from now on. That thought made him sadder than he'd thought it would. Hisao didn't want to lose the friendship he had come to cherish with Emi.
Just as he was standing to turn off the light, the door reopened. "Hisao-" She cut off shortly after poking her head into the room. Her cheeks flushed; so did Hisao's, clad as he was in only a pair of boxer shorts. "Uh," remarked Hisao in what he hoped was a casual tone, "something wrong, Emi?"
Nanoseconds later Emi was kissing the boy, furiously and passionately. Her small body was pressed up against his chest; he could feel her heart beating a mile a minute. Somewhere in the distance a door closed.
Words, from even further off. "I'm sorry," it came, between kisses, "I know this is wrong but I can't help it I like you and just for tonight pretend you like me too please-"
Depleting willpower reserves Hisao didn't know he had the boy broke their embrace, took a step back and held Emi at arm's length. They were both panting slightly. "Emi..."
Instantly she was on the ground, curled up into a brown-haired ball. She buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry! I just like you so much, and I know you have Lilly and I'm just an underdeveloped legless freak and she's so beautiful and-"
"Emi!" A pair of pants, hastily donned, and a ratty old t-shirt covered Hisao's body. "Stop." He knelt, put a hand on his friend's head. "Emi... I'm sorry. You're right. I'm in love with Lilly." He removed his hand and sat back, onto his hindquarters. Emi had started trembling again. "I... don't really know what to say right now. I mean, I'm not very good at relationships yet. Lilly is my first girlfriend and all.
"But no matter what, you're a very cute, very pretty girl with a great personality. And, you know, maybe if things had worked out differently we could have been together. Maybe not, I don't know. Like I said, I'm kind of new to this whole thing." Hisao tossed his head to the side once, roughly. "Sorry, I'm rambling." He ran a hand through his hair, let out a long breath. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll find someone. And until you do, I'll be here for you. As your friend."
Emi cautiously raised puffy red eyes above her fingers. "...I'm not pretty. I look like a grade-schooler."
That made Hisao laugh. When he saw how Emi flinched he quickly apologized. "Sorry, I'm not laughing at you." A reassuring hand landed on Emi's head. "You're a beautiful girl, Emi. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, okay?" Somewhere inside him, more words bubbled up to the surface. "Besides, you got me pretty flustered there for a moment. Hurt puppies are my weak point."
Green eyes locked onto Hisao's; two hearts started racing. That was a stupid thing to say! Quick, defuse the situation! You were doing so well! An armful of affectionate girl preempted a retraction. Lips pressed together desperately. Emi was crying again, but had her hands glued to the sides of Hisao's face, holding him close. "Please, just tonight." Hot breath passed over lips starving for acceptance. "I know I'm not your type of girl, but just this once please make me feel normal. Just tonight. Please."
What happened to the willpower earlier? What happened to the strength? Hisao's mind struggled to regain control of the situation, but the body wasn't responding. This isn't right! You have Lilly! Hands removed Emi's shirt – Hisao didn't know whose. Neurons fired rapidly, trying to fend off the lustful signals emanating from below the waist. Lilly! She is tall, blonde, and Emi's bra hit the floor.
Standing in Hisao's room, blushing from head to toe, teary-eyed and panting, Emi was... Irresistible.
Two pairs of pants dropped. Strong arms lifted the small girl, set her down gently on the bed. Lips traced her shoulders, her chest, her sides and stomach. Softly at first, then with increasing volume and passion, Emi began to moan with the sensation of Hisao's lips against her tender flesh.
Somewhere in the back of Hisao's mind he raged ineffectually against himself. But it was too late. There was nothing to be done.
I am well and truly fucked.
----------
Hisao returned to himself slowly. The memories of that long, passionate night were still fresh in his mind, the scents still clinging to the sheets, the humidity still hanging in the air. They had made love four times, each repetition becoming less frantic and more intimate. The connection they had shared – the tender embraces, the whispered reassurances and nervous, fumbling hands – were rank things, putrescent and vile. Hisao knew that. But he also knew that it felt so right at the time, so primal and... necessary.
Flashes of the night before: Emi shudders on top of Hisao, mouth wide in orgasm. He can feel her whole body tremble, her muscles contract, her fingers dig into his stomach. Then she collapses onto his chest. "I wanted to be here again," she pants, still convulsing with pleasure. Hisao's arms are holding her close. "I woke up halfway to the nurse's office, but didn't want you to put me down so I pretended to still be out cold." Another abdominal spasm. "I just... feel so good when I'm in your arms."
Later, or earlier: Emi's eyes closed tightly, a single tear finding its way to the pillow. "Please... don't laugh..." Large hands start to remove prosthetic legs, loosening them, working them away from sore flesh clumsily. Soft sobs begin to emanate from between Emi's hands – she has covered her face, crying into her palms. "Don't stop," she gasps, as if reading Hisao's mind. But she continues crying, even as the false appendages are discarded to the cold floor and warm lips begin to trace old wounds.
I am the worst person who has ever lived. Larger tears started to soak the mattress. Hisao was crying silently. Sweet memories soured, rotted in his mind. What have I done? As if his nerves were dying one by one Hisao's body started to go numb, except for a terrible sadness welling up in the pit of his stomach. He cheated on Lilly, the one person who made Yamaku bearable. The ceiling started to spin. What on Earth have I done?
How much time Hisao spent, lying on his bed in the fetal position and crying, he would never know. But he would always remember the feeling, the vomit splashing into his wastebasket, the disgust at himself and his whole gender. I am the reason women hate men. I am what is wrong with this world.
Bile stung his throat; he welcomed the pain. His stomach lurched once more.
------------------------------------------
Part 1 done.
I've got the whole story outlined and a first draft written. This is the first part of my second draft, and seeing as it has expanded by almost 200% thus far I figured I'd post it in chunks. I don't want to risk a third draft, or I may never finish.
If it's no good I'll give it up, but if people seem to like it, who knows? I sure don't. I don't even know if I like the story. The idea seemed interesting, but...
Meh.
Lips seek lips, sweat and heat commingling with the sounds of heavy panting. The room is humid. Two prosthetic legs lie discarded on the floor. Fingers entwine; toes curl. Smells – sweet and pungent, so right yet so wrong.
This is wrong. This is very, very wrong.
Hands run up a flat stomach toward soft mounds of flesh, moist with passion and desire. A moan and a shudder – lips meet again and again, hungry for satisfaction.
Stop thinking about this, just get out of here! Just go! Now!
Bodies move; hips grind. The sound of rustling sheets. Hot breath steams the window, coming ragged and quick. A single second of hesitation as drops of water run down the pane of glass. A cry of pain, and a grunt of pleasure.
Oh God, what have I done?
----------
"Good morning, Hisao."
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck "Good morning, Emi." Fuck SHIT FUCK ME "Sleep well?"
Two bodies lay on a small bed, soaked with sweat and shame. Early morning sun shone in through the window, illuminating light brown hair and pale skin, engulfed in a man's arms. Emi faced the wall. With a small smile and a sigh her body nestled closer to Hisao's chest. "Yes."
I refuse to accept this situation as reality. Hisao's eyes remained firmly shut as Emi turned in his embrace. Stiff nipples jabbed him in his side; a small twitch ran over his forehead. Oh come on...
Long hair brushed against his face as the girl raised her head with a sad look in her eyes, realizing finally what had conspired the night before, what situation she found herself in. "Um..." She began to shiver and dropped her gaze to the boy's chest, where their hands were clasped lightly. "Thank you for last night..."
Please don't mention that... "Ah..." Before Hisao could respond Emi withdrew her body, moving toward the end of the bed.
"I know." The two simple words caused Hisao to cautiously open an eyelid, shivering from the sudden cold. "It was a one-time thing." More movement in the small dorm room: Emi massaged the stump of her right leg. "I won't tell anyone if you don't."
"That's not how this works." In the cool morning air, Hisao's voice was more forceful than he intended. It can't. Not now.
More wisps of brown hair brushed against Hisao's skin as the small girl shook her head. His foot involuntarily twitched from the sensation. "Yes it is. It has to." The bed creaked beneath her shifting weight. "You have a girlfriend."
Lilly...
A croak escaped Hisao's lips then, regret condensed into sound waves. "I..." Propping himself up on his elbows, the terrified boy looked down, past his legs. Emi sat, naked and facing away, trembling with the effort of holding back sobs. "Emi, I-"
"Don't." Tears appeared in the girl's eyes then, suddenly and ferociously forcing themselves against her eyelids. She blinked them back, turned her head slightly. Snow had begun to fall outside. "I wanted it."
Hisao had no response. He could only watch as his lover retrieved her legs. Funny how she gets those before her bra or panties. Shaking off the idle thoughts, Hisao forced words into the still air. "I'll break up with Lilly." Wide eyes turned to regard him intently. "I have to."
Anger flashed in those green orbs, heat searing his retinas. "If you do that I'll never forgive you." She stood, then, on the plastic and metal contraptions that had replaced her legs. Long bangs covered her face, hid her expression. "Just forget this. Please." She turned to begin re-dressing; despite their newly intimate relationship, she wanted to hide her body as much as possible. Panties, bra, a sweatshirt that looked like it would fit a child – all covered spots of pink flesh. Hisao's heart ached.
Dry lips protested painfully as Hisao opened his mouth. As if she knew it was coming, Emi covered her ears and shrieked, "Stop it!" Obediently, those dry, cracked lips closed. "Just... don't say anymore." Sweatpants were followed by shoes. Sufficiently decent Emi faced Hisao again, a disconcertingly cheerful smile on her face. "I'll see you later, okay?" The doorknob turned in a shaking hand. "I don't think we need to work out today, but tomorrow morning you'd better not be late!"
As she left the room, Hisao thought he saw a tear work its way down her face; but he couldn't be sure.
In the hallway, Emi leaned against the closed door, fighting back sobs.
----------
It was winter break at Yamaku. Most of the students had elected to go home for the long holiday, but some decided to stay. They all had their reasons, ranging from the depressing to the mundane. Emi's family had gone to England that break, to visit family. She just didn't want to give up exercise for so long.
Hisao stayed because Lilly asked him to keep an eye on Hanako, who stayed because of family issues. Though the purple-haired girl had made great strides in some respects, she still had a weakness for her family.
Akira picked Lilly up, to take a trip to her place for the holiday. It was a tradition, and Lilly couldn't imagine leaving her sister to fend for herself; it just wasn't in her nature. So on a bright, sunny morning, with their breaths steaming the short distance between them, Hisao had given Lilly a soft smile and a warm goodbye. His present to her, the only one he could give her just then, was a small, tender kiss on her cheek. She walked away blushing, but smiling radiantly. Hanako smiled and waved. "She's lucky to have you, Hisao," she had said later that day.
What a stupid thing we did.
Reeking of sex and fear a boy stared at his ceiling. Four long, hellish hours had passed since Emi left his room. He hadn't moved in that time, though the snow had long since stopped. Wind continued to blow, howling and rattling the window.
What on Earth happened?
Memories assaulted his consciousness.
----------
"I want you to start running with Emi in the mornings." The nurse's famous grin slipped a little. "I know you started to before, but you can't just blow this off again. It's very important for your health."
Despite his initial recalcitrance Hisao found himself enjoying the exercise. He and Emi got along well enough, and he had never been in better shape. He was sleeping better, feeling more alert in class and overall more even-tempered and happy. It was a wonderful sensation. For the first time in his life Hisao was following a routine, and it felt great.
Every morning at 5:30 he would wake up and head out to the track, where Emi would be waiting with a bright smile on her face. Then she would put him through his paces. They would chat sometimes, when their runs didn't completely deprive them of breath. Emi would talk about anything – her family, the upcoming track meets, Rin, anything she could think of. Hisao talked about Lilly more than anything, but really he just listened. Emi loved to talk.
Hisao and Lilly had met by accident more than anything. When running, he would often smile with the memory of his first afternoon in the Tea Room. He saw her face the day of the school festival, when he'd realized there was something about Lilly that intrigued him; memories of the hastily-arranged birthday party came to mind, and how he had only learned about her birthday on the 25th of June; soft lips, their first kiss, still warm after so much time had passed. Usually Hisao was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice Emi's glances in his direction, becoming longer and longer as the weeks passed.
One weekend he and Emi ran a 5K, with Lilly's sister Akira, Lilly and Rin cheering from the sidelines. (Well, Lilly and Akira cheered; Rin just kind of showed up, then wandered off.) The look on Emi's face when she heard Lilly calling Hisao's name from the sidelines went unnoticed until far too late.
The morning had started off like any other: up early – later than usual because of the late-rising winter sun, but still earlier than most people cared for – and out to the track to meet Emi. She smiled and they joked a bit, about it being so lonely without anyone around. Then they were off, gray clouds hovering above the school like God himself was trying to make it as cold and dreary as possible. Two short laps before disaster struck.
Emi's prosthetic leg came down onto the cold, hard ground. A sharp crack pierced the stillness of the morning; momentum carried her body toward the Earth ferociously. She bounced a couple of times, tumbled, then slid to an abrupt halt. From Hisao's perspective the fall had taken twenty minutes. In fact, only a couple short seconds had passed.
Almost instantly the boy was at Emi's side, shaking her carefully. "Emi? Are you all right?" She refused to stir. "Emi? Emi!" The jagged metal edge of her busted leg had ripped a furrow into the track. Her eyes were closed and she wasn't responding. Hisao panicked. Instinct kicked in and he hurriedly picked up his running partner and hurried toward the main building. "Hang on, Emi," he muttered half to himself and half to the unconscious girl in his arms. "Everything's going to be all right." How cliché was that? She stirred, but did not wake.
As soon as Hisao reached the nurse's office he was relieved of Emi's small body. "What happened?" asked the usually-smiling head nurse. Shaken, Hisao recounted the fall as the nurse checked Emi over for injuries. The boy nervously shifted his weight from foot to foot.
"That's all? Good." asked the man in the white coat after Hisao had finished the story. A smile returned to the nurse's lips. "She's just knocked out, I think. I won't know until she wakes up if she has a concussion or not, but I think she'll be fine."
"Should I...?" Hisao glanced at Emi quickly.
"No, no need to stick around." He retrieved his desk chair and pulled it over to Emi, continuing to check for injuries. "I'll make sure to let you know when she wakes up."
Numbly Hisao wandered out of the main building. She'll probably want her leg. He chuckled at the odd-sounding words. 'She'll probably want her leg.' Like saying 'she'll probably want her textbook.'
Legs, huh? He walked slowly toward the track, carefully noting how his body shook with each step, how the vibrations ran up through his feet, knees, thighs. His feet began to tingle as he focused on them; Hisao noticed how the muscles in his calves twitched, going up stairs. How would I feel if I had no legs? Wind blew, biting through the flimsy track jacket and sweats. It was going to be a cold day. His heart fluttered slightly, sending a rush of adrenaline through his veins. But nothing came of it.
No birds sang as he approached the track. The dark, winter sky gazed down on Hisao. Bending down to retrieve the broken piece of metal, the boy shook his head slightly. These things aren't supposed to break. Slowly he turned the object in his hands. Was it defective?
In the distance a clock chimed. Already so late? Feet scuffed against the ground, moving toward the boys' dorm. Cold metal pressed against his hand.
The shower was long and sweet. Hisao grabbed a quick bite to eat and checked the clock. 9:00. I wonder if I should go check on Emi? It had only been an hour since he left the unconscious girl with the nurse, but worried as he was Hisao couldn't stay away. He hurried back into the nurse's office to find that Emi had already woken and fallen back to sleep. "She's fine. I asked her to spend the day here, just as a precaution." The nurse shrugged slightly. "You can stay if you'd like."
Hisao politely declined. He didn't want to make Emi uncomfortable. So he walked up to the library and found Hanako. His friend was wearing long, dark pants and a blue turtleneck. "You look nice today." She blushed, but thanked him for the compliment anyway.
They read together, in silence.
For the boy, that morning crawled along. Every time someone walked by he raised his head, hoping it was Emi come to tell him she was all right. But it never was. Despite the nurse's assurances, Hisao was growing more worried with each passing second. Is she really all right?
After lunch he lost his resolve. "Sorry, Hanako, I've got to go check on something," he said standing up suddenly. "I'll see you later, okay?" Without waiting for a response he was gone, out the door and down the hallway. Yuuko raised a hand as the boy left without checking out the library book, but he took no notice.
Emi was still sleeping when he arrived, but the nurse was nowhere to be seen. Odd... Hisao pulled a chair next to Emi's prone form. I suppose I can wait here for a bit, to see if the nurse comes back. She seemed to be breathing calmly. Just being closer to her made Hisao feel less anxious. ...Maybe I'll stay until she wakes up. Cracking the book once more the boy began to wait.
When he started awake, his book falling to the floor, Emi was gone. The nurse looked up from his desk. "Ah, good morning." His smile was a bit more wan than usual. "Emi didn't want to wake you."
Didn't want to wake me? "How long was I asleep?"
"A couple of hours, probably." The man ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. "I had a bit of an emergency in the boys' dorm earlier, so I've only been with you for an hour or so."
That explains why he looks so tired. Hisao straightened, rubbed at his eyes lightly. "Is everyone all right?"
"Fine, now. Someone fell and broke his leg in the shower, but he's been taken care of."
"That's good." Bending down to grab his book, Hisao noticed a piece of paper where his bookmark should have been. He opened it slowly – it was in Emi's handwriting.
"Sorry Hisao, but I've got some paperwork to fill out here. Feel free to stick around but I'm going to be busy." Quickly the boy re-folded his note and tucked it inside his book.
"Ah, sorry. I'll just be going, then." He waved, the nurse nodded, and they parted ways.
As soon as he was out the door the note was back in his hands. 'Hisao' it read, in Emi's sloppy scrawl. 'Thank you for staying with me. It means a lot to me. I'm sorry for leaving you, but you looked so comfortable that I didn't want to wake you.' A small smile tugged at the corners of Hisao's mouth. 'If we don't get a chance to talk before tomorrow, make sure you're on time for our workout! -Emi.'
Well at least she's still chipper. That's a relief. Hisao decided to wander back toward the library. There was no need to go searching for Emi if she was all right, no matter if he was worried or not.
The rest of the afternoon went rather quickly, all things considered. He and Hanako spent time together, reading – though Hisao did have to apologize to Yuuko for absconding with a book.
Dinner came and went; Hisao bid Hanako a good night and retreated to his bedroom. Despite his earlier nap he was tired and decided against any more reading.
He was just crawling into bed when someone knocked on the door. He threw on some clothes and opened the portal. It was Emi. She still wore her workout clothes, and Hisao could tell she was on the verge of tears. "Emi...?"
"Hi, Hisao." Her hair was in a single ponytail, unusual for her. "Can I come in?"
Some premonition tickled the back of Hisao's mind, but he ignored it. "Ah, sure, I guess." He moved out of the girl's way and flipped on a light. "Is something wrong?"
Emi took two steps into the room and sat on the desk chair Hisao had neglected to push back under the desk. She seemed to have her eyes glued to the ground. Neither teenager said anything.
Uncomfortably, Hisao closed the door partially, leaving a sliver of hallway light shining through into his bedroom. The fluorescent bulb illuminated something in his corner. "Ah." Moving over to retrieve the object, he held it out to Emi. "Here." It was the broken prosthesis from that morning. "I went back and picked this up. I don't know if you want it, but-"
Before he could react Emi had thrown herself into Hisao's arms, sobbing. "Emi? What's wrong?" No response. Emi just cried harder. With nothing else to do Hisao dropped the broken leg onto his bed and cautiously put his arms around the slight girl. She nuzzled into his embrace and continued to sob and hiccup unintelligibly atop Hisao's unkempt bed.
Slowly her tears dried, her control returned. She moved away to wipe at her eyes. They sat on the bed, separate but still awkwardly close, given their casual relationship. Hisao unconsciously scooted away, toward the head of the bed. A delicate sniff preceded Emi's words. "I'm sorry to come to you like this, Hisao, but Rin's gone for the break and I don't have anyone else I feel close enough-" She blushed a bit, rephrased her words. "...I mean I don't have anyone else to talk to."
"No problem," responded Hisao politely, if a bit unsettled by her word choice. "We're friends, you can talk to me anytime." Something is wrong here...
A tentative smile. "Thanks." Small hands clasped each other over her sternum. "I..." She closed her green eyes tightly and started speaking as quickly as Hisao had ever heard anyone speak before. "I try to put on a strong face in front of everyone because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm not supposed to be a little girl anymore. But it's really hard for me around this time of year because that's when the accident happened. And Rin is usually here to help me, she knows that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, because she's a really nice person. But she's not here and-and that's why I came to you and I'm sorry.
"But today when my leg broke everything came crashing back into reality for me and I just can't stand it! My leg broke again, and it felt like it did back then! I can't run anymore Hisao! I need to get another prosthetic leg, a prosthetic for my prosthetic," violently she tossed the broken piece of metal across the room, ricocheting off the door and clattering to the ground loudly. "I don't know if I can stand it!" Her voice was loud in the enclosed space.
Her eyes screwed shut once more; tears dripped down her face, to land on hands that gripped at her thighs with white-knuckled intensity. "I guess I'm not a very strong girl after all, and I' m sorry that you have to see me like this but it's so hard! I've been crying all day – I thought I could handle it by myself, without bothering anyone – but I can't, and there's no one else to talk to but you and I'm sorry for bothering you so late at night but I just don't know what I should do and-"
"Emi." Hisao interrupted her forcefully. Tears continued to drip onto the backs of her hands. "It's all right." With a smile, he removed a handkerchief from his bedside table and offered it to the crying girl. "No one expects you to be anything but what you are." Something seems very wrong here.
Their fingers brushed against each other as Emi accepted the handkerchief. Hisao jerked his hand back, as if shocked, and his heart started racing. Oh no... Emi sniffled and opened her liquid green eyes to look at Hisao. Oh God, is that what's going on? "Thanks," mumbled the girl, wiping her face delicately. Here Be Dragons.
"A-Anyway," started Hisao quickly, trying to keep his mind off of terrible things, "I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I only know how hard it's been dealing with my heart condition. And if you ask me, you're doing much better than I am."
Brown hair swung back and forth. "No, I'm not. I just lost my legs. You could die at any time!"
Hisao scratched at his chest absently, feeling the scars on his chest. "Our disabilities aren't comparable like that, Emi. I don't know how you feel, and you don't know how I feel."
Fingers tightened around Hisao's handkerchief. "Oh. I-I'm sorry..." Emi sounded like she was going to cry again.
Aw, hell... "No, no, that's not what I meant. I-" Hisao took a deep breath and tried to choose his words carefully. "Emi, you don't know what it's like to have a heart condition, just like I don't know what it's like to lose my legs. They're very... different things. But I do know what it's like to suffer some sort of injury, and I know how hard it can be to deal with sometimes." He tried to put on a reassuring smile. But not too reassuring. I don't want to give her the wrong idea, if what I think is going on is going on... "I haven't dealt with my problems as well as you seem to have, is all I'm saying.
"Besides, if you want to cry, cry. No one is going to think less of you for it. At least, I won't – and anyone who does doesn't deserve to be your friend, anyway." Another brave smile.
Their eyes met, and Hisao's smile faltered as Emi's eyes began to leak once more. Her face pressed against his chest; his own face started to burn. "Oh, Hisao! It's so hard sometimes...!"
Once more wrapping his arms around Emi – tentatively, cautiously – he began to stroke her hair. "I know," he muttered, trying to be supportive. "I know."
Emi had started to tremble slightly. "Why didn't the other driver see the red light? Why didn't my dad take a different route home?"
The girl was vulnerable, she was opening up to Hisao; he couldn't just kick her out, no matter how uncomfortable their position was making him, or how hot it had gotten in the room. "I don't know. No one does, I think."
"Why didn't I sit in the back seat, like Mom told me to?"
"I don't know that, either."
More sobs wracked her petite frame. She felt like a doll in Hisao's arms. "Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?"
"Now that's where I have to stop you." Putting pressure on Emi's shoulders Hisao pushed her back, to look into her eyes. "You are normal, Emi. More normal than I am, at least."
Her eyes dropped. "You have legs! I'm just a crippled girl with-"
"Stop," gently chided the boy. "You said that earlier, and it's still not true. You may not have legs, but you're a smart, strong person who knows what she wants and works to get it. You're a heck of a lot more normal than some of the guys at my old high school."
A wisp of delicate hair fell in front of the girl's emerald eyes. That is dangerous, do not let her hair do that! Hisao cleared his throat nervously. Emi's voice squeaked, "I'm not strong..." She sniffled once, delicately, and Hisao swore the temperature spiked ten degrees.
"Oh yeah you are," he squeezed past his rapidly tightening throat. "You're the best runner I've ever seen, legs or no. And, I mean, come on: you've been whipping me into shape since I got here." Another smile revealed Hisao's teeth. "I'm not always the easiest person to handle, and you're keeping me on my diet and exercise plan like a pro."
Tears were starting to dry, leaving streaks on her red face. "...Really?"
Hisao nodded. "Yeah, really. You should've seen what I ate back home."
She let out a small giggle. "Well you can be pretty lazy..."
"Heck yeah I can be." The two shared a small smile. "And the only reason I'm in such good shape right now is because of you."
Several beats passed. Hisao thought he was out of the weeds, that Emi was feeling better, until she let out an anguished cry and buried her face into his chest once more. "But I don't have any legs! Even Lilly has legs! If someone looks at her he doesn’t say, 'oh, look at the crippled girl.' No one can even tell she's blind unless they know her! But-but if someone sees me, they say-"
"They say, 'wow, what a cutie.'" Somewhere in Hisao's head curse words rang out. You are a moron and you deserve what you get. Emi froze, still as a statue. The room got even hotter. You are making a mistake, Hisao. You KNOW what is going on here, and you aren't helping yourself. Are you really prepared to betray Lilly like this? Words escaped his lips without consent: "You're a bright, cheerful girl, full of energy and as cute as they come."
"Stop," she protested quietly.
"No. It's true." Is it? Is it really? "The first time I met you, do you remember? Running into me in the hallway?" Hisao felt the girl smile against his chest. "I didn't think, 'oh my God she's a freak she has no legs.' I thought, 'wow, she's really cute.'" His hand continued to stroke a brown head slowly. "I may also have thought you looked like a hurt puppy."
Emi pushed back and pouted, cutely. Lilly would not like this. A quick glance to the door confirmed that it was indeed still open. Good. "A cute hurt puppy?" She was blushing.
"Yeah. A cute hurt puppy."
She smiled. He smiled. They shared a long moment, sitting together on that small bed, when their eyes locked and their hearts were one.
Their minds knew better, however.
Emi stood up quickly, blushing beet red and stammering, "S-Sorry!" Hisao jumped back a few inches, nervously scratching the side of his head. A quick, shallow bow. "I'll leave now! Thank you for talking to me!" Emi moved toward the door like a rabbit fleeing a fox.
"Emi, wait." Hisao's mind was working furiously. He knew he loved Lilly, knew without a doubt that he would not – could not – be with Emi. But he also knew that something inside of him, some part of him wanted her to stay. He wanted to protect her, make her feel safe. He cared for her like a sister, or a childhood friend. Thoughts warred back and forth for a long moment, while Emi stood with her back to Hisao.
Finally, he broke the silence. "You know you can talk to me anytime, right?" Emi turned to look over her shoulder; Hisao was smiling. "I'm always here for you."
"Thank you, Hisao." She affected a slight smirk. "Good night." The door closed behind her.
Dodged a bullet. Hisao could just imagine explaining to Lilly what had happened, how he had kissed Emi, how it wasn't his fault. He softly shook his head. What's scary is, I don't know if I'm strong enough to reject Emi. He kicked back onto his bed, started undressing. I'll have to watch myself around her from now on. That thought made him sadder than he'd thought it would. Hisao didn't want to lose the friendship he had come to cherish with Emi.
Just as he was standing to turn off the light, the door reopened. "Hisao-" She cut off shortly after poking her head into the room. Her cheeks flushed; so did Hisao's, clad as he was in only a pair of boxer shorts. "Uh," remarked Hisao in what he hoped was a casual tone, "something wrong, Emi?"
Nanoseconds later Emi was kissing the boy, furiously and passionately. Her small body was pressed up against his chest; he could feel her heart beating a mile a minute. Somewhere in the distance a door closed.
Words, from even further off. "I'm sorry," it came, between kisses, "I know this is wrong but I can't help it I like you and just for tonight pretend you like me too please-"
Depleting willpower reserves Hisao didn't know he had the boy broke their embrace, took a step back and held Emi at arm's length. They were both panting slightly. "Emi..."
Instantly she was on the ground, curled up into a brown-haired ball. She buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry! I just like you so much, and I know you have Lilly and I'm just an underdeveloped legless freak and she's so beautiful and-"
"Emi!" A pair of pants, hastily donned, and a ratty old t-shirt covered Hisao's body. "Stop." He knelt, put a hand on his friend's head. "Emi... I'm sorry. You're right. I'm in love with Lilly." He removed his hand and sat back, onto his hindquarters. Emi had started trembling again. "I... don't really know what to say right now. I mean, I'm not very good at relationships yet. Lilly is my first girlfriend and all.
"But no matter what, you're a very cute, very pretty girl with a great personality. And, you know, maybe if things had worked out differently we could have been together. Maybe not, I don't know. Like I said, I'm kind of new to this whole thing." Hisao tossed his head to the side once, roughly. "Sorry, I'm rambling." He ran a hand through his hair, let out a long breath. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll find someone. And until you do, I'll be here for you. As your friend."
Emi cautiously raised puffy red eyes above her fingers. "...I'm not pretty. I look like a grade-schooler."
That made Hisao laugh. When he saw how Emi flinched he quickly apologized. "Sorry, I'm not laughing at you." A reassuring hand landed on Emi's head. "You're a beautiful girl, Emi. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, okay?" Somewhere inside him, more words bubbled up to the surface. "Besides, you got me pretty flustered there for a moment. Hurt puppies are my weak point."
Green eyes locked onto Hisao's; two hearts started racing. That was a stupid thing to say! Quick, defuse the situation! You were doing so well! An armful of affectionate girl preempted a retraction. Lips pressed together desperately. Emi was crying again, but had her hands glued to the sides of Hisao's face, holding him close. "Please, just tonight." Hot breath passed over lips starving for acceptance. "I know I'm not your type of girl, but just this once please make me feel normal. Just tonight. Please."
What happened to the willpower earlier? What happened to the strength? Hisao's mind struggled to regain control of the situation, but the body wasn't responding. This isn't right! You have Lilly! Hands removed Emi's shirt – Hisao didn't know whose. Neurons fired rapidly, trying to fend off the lustful signals emanating from below the waist. Lilly! She is tall, blonde, and Emi's bra hit the floor.
Standing in Hisao's room, blushing from head to toe, teary-eyed and panting, Emi was... Irresistible.
Two pairs of pants dropped. Strong arms lifted the small girl, set her down gently on the bed. Lips traced her shoulders, her chest, her sides and stomach. Softly at first, then with increasing volume and passion, Emi began to moan with the sensation of Hisao's lips against her tender flesh.
Somewhere in the back of Hisao's mind he raged ineffectually against himself. But it was too late. There was nothing to be done.
I am well and truly fucked.
----------
Hisao returned to himself slowly. The memories of that long, passionate night were still fresh in his mind, the scents still clinging to the sheets, the humidity still hanging in the air. They had made love four times, each repetition becoming less frantic and more intimate. The connection they had shared – the tender embraces, the whispered reassurances and nervous, fumbling hands – were rank things, putrescent and vile. Hisao knew that. But he also knew that it felt so right at the time, so primal and... necessary.
Flashes of the night before: Emi shudders on top of Hisao, mouth wide in orgasm. He can feel her whole body tremble, her muscles contract, her fingers dig into his stomach. Then she collapses onto his chest. "I wanted to be here again," she pants, still convulsing with pleasure. Hisao's arms are holding her close. "I woke up halfway to the nurse's office, but didn't want you to put me down so I pretended to still be out cold." Another abdominal spasm. "I just... feel so good when I'm in your arms."
Later, or earlier: Emi's eyes closed tightly, a single tear finding its way to the pillow. "Please... don't laugh..." Large hands start to remove prosthetic legs, loosening them, working them away from sore flesh clumsily. Soft sobs begin to emanate from between Emi's hands – she has covered her face, crying into her palms. "Don't stop," she gasps, as if reading Hisao's mind. But she continues crying, even as the false appendages are discarded to the cold floor and warm lips begin to trace old wounds.
I am the worst person who has ever lived. Larger tears started to soak the mattress. Hisao was crying silently. Sweet memories soured, rotted in his mind. What have I done? As if his nerves were dying one by one Hisao's body started to go numb, except for a terrible sadness welling up in the pit of his stomach. He cheated on Lilly, the one person who made Yamaku bearable. The ceiling started to spin. What on Earth have I done?
How much time Hisao spent, lying on his bed in the fetal position and crying, he would never know. But he would always remember the feeling, the vomit splashing into his wastebasket, the disgust at himself and his whole gender. I am the reason women hate men. I am what is wrong with this world.
Bile stung his throat; he welcomed the pain. His stomach lurched once more.
------------------------------------------
Part 1 done.
I've got the whole story outlined and a first draft written. This is the first part of my second draft, and seeing as it has expanded by almost 200% thus far I figured I'd post it in chunks. I don't want to risk a third draft, or I may never finish.
If it's no good I'll give it up, but if people seem to like it, who knows? I sure don't. I don't even know if I like the story. The idea seemed interesting, but...
Meh.
