Prologue – Bundle of Mai
An infinite, gray void.
The white cement walls rise and blend into it, dotted with an army of windows perfectly spaced apart to indicate where each cell is. Above the entrance, a sign reads ‘Where People Learn to Die.’ Well, not actually, but it may as well be the same thing. Maybe that vast nothingness is all that lies ahead of us after our time’s up.
On the second floor of the hospital a boy creeps into view from his resting place inside, and stares outside the window. I think he’s chained to the bed by about a dozen different wires and tubes, but I can’t make out anything else through the fog, snow, and distance between us. Still, there’s no mistaking it; it’s him. I’d recognize that messy brown hair of his anywhere.
Hisao.
He hasn’t seen me yet. As predicted, he woke up earlier today. The surgeons said they expected that he would to his parents. Unsurprisingly, they were right.
Just like when they walked me into white walls just like these, sat me down on an uncomfortable chair for the umpteenth time, and told me I was dying, the doctors were right.
I should be in the waiting room with all the others. I should be up there, standing in line to see him. To hear him. To feel him. To hold him and never let him go until time rips us apart.
Would he let me?
Would I?
I could never. At least, not now. Maybe if it had been a couple months ago, before I started encouraging Iwanako to give it a shot and confess to him. Before I built his prison. If I hadn’t pushed ‘Nako so hard then maybe…
He turns towards me. For a fleeting moment our eyes meet - or, at least, I think they do. No, I’m sure they do. Then something draws his attention to the other side of the room.
This was a waste of time.
I can’t do this.
Before he has a chance to suck me in and I get trapped, I turn and run.
And I keep running until my legs give out and the cold air burns my lungs.
~ ~ ~
“How’s he doing?” Ten minutes. It took me ten god damn minutes to say something to my best friend, Hisao notwithstanding – though after today, that might not be the case anymore. On top of that, she’s the one that came all the way out here, sat down, said hello, sat patiently in silence freezing in the cold while I wasted ten minutes not saying anything, and that’s the only thing I can come up with? Pathetic.
A gust of winter wind rattles the barren tree above us, snapping a small, snow-covered branch off. ‘Nako jumps, then the tension fades and she sniffles. I’ll let myself believe it’s the cold weather causing her nose to run. That it’s causing the irritation in her eyes. That her hair, which is usually slick and shiny and black, is dull and unkempt and almost looks gray because the wind messed it up. That her always tidy clothes are wrinkled and messy for the same reason.
She shrugs. “He finally woke up.”
It’s a non-answer. One I know already… not that anyone else knew I was there. That’s why everyone had gathered in the first place though. It’s been a week since his heart attack and we knew he was going to wake up today – probably – at some point. But that’s besides the point. That’s not what matters right now. What matters is the fact that this has been by far the worst week of ‘Nako’s life and I’m sitting here about to make it so, so much worse for her.
She thinks she just put her crush in the hospital and I’m about to tell her that her best friend’s moving half-way across the damn country to ‘a school for the physically disabled’ so she can die on her own instead of around everyone she cares about. That care about her- me.
I’m a terrible best friend.
And not just to her; to Hisao too. If what we had really ends today then it’d be a piss-poor excuse for a legacy. I should’ve just walked in there. Hell, I should’ve done something over a month ago. If I had just said something earlier… If I hadn’t…
Well, in any case, that’s one month of preparations and scheming gone and wasted. ‘Nako takes a deep, unsteady breath. “You know what the first thing he said to me was?”
“Hmm?” I can’t… I don’t know if I can hear this right now, ‘Nako. I need to steel myself. I need to sit here and think and reflect and plan out my next move. I need… I need more time.
She laughs. A shattered laugh that threatens to collapse into sobs every second it goes on, and it breaks my- well, it breaks my heart. Dammit Hisao. “I walk in there, see him hooked up to a dozen different machines and he looks like he’s been knocking on death’s door – because he has – and he has the nerve to ask me if I’m okay.” She turns to me. Her eyes are bloodshot and, through the redness surrounding them, the dark stains under her eyes still manage to stand out, hopelessly begging for just a moment’s rest.
Her shaking smile falls into a barely stable frown. “I don’t get it, Mai. He actually asked me if I was okay as if I was the one who had a heart attack.” ‘Nako opens her mouth to continue, but chokes on her words as tears start falling from her face. She covers her mouth, muffling the sobs she can’t contain anymore. I pull her head into my shoulder and rub her back.
In part so that she doesn’t see my broken expression right now.
I think that’s the first time she’s said the words ‘heart attack’ since the day he had it.
Would I be crying right now too if it hadn’t all gone to shit? No – I wouldn’t even be here right now. Maybe I’d be in the hospital waiting by his bedside, with my hand is his as we search for a modicum of comfort in each other. Maybe I’d be the one in ‘Nako’s position. Maybe we’d be at his funeral. I was destined to ruin this one way or another, huh?
Damn. Dammit. Dammit! DAMMIT!
I can’t imagine a world where it all went right. Even if it weren’t for me, Hisao apparently had this condition – arrhythmia, I believe – his whole gods’ damned life. That’s… that’s what we were told. Then, because they needed to rush him into surgery, the only people that got to talk to him after his attack were his parents.
Until today.
And I never went.
I made ‘Nako walk in there alone.
Shin, Takumi, Hisao’s parents, and whoever else managed to show up – she’s not close to any of them. So without me she may as well have been alone. In other words: I’ve wasted yet another day.
I can’t avoid him forever. I’ll have to see him soon and I will.
I will.
But it should’ve been today.
And with the move coming up… it’ll only get harder from here on out. Maybe it’d be better this way. I just slowly fade away from his life unceremoniously before it gets any worse. Just another thing that vanishes with his old life.
Was it better for everyone that I was a coward last year? That I was so stubborn for all that time before then? Hisao might’ve had his heart attack sooner if I hadn’t been. If I’d been the one to confess. And if he didn’t, then I’d be leaving him this year anyway. So there I have it; it was a good thing.
It had to be.
Otherwise that’s another six months I’ve wasted. No, that’d be eleven years.
‘Don’t quantify your life, Mai. That’s not what this is about.’
I disagree, Mom. How much more could I have done in the time I’ve been here? How many experiences could I have had if I didn’t constantly think I had the luxury of time on my side? Can I be selfish and still say I wish I had given falling in love a chance sooner? I had one chance. One, really drawn out chance that I squandered time and time and time again. Now… Well, it’s a thing of the past.
I’m still wasting time. Too much of it. Twenty minutes here, now. A day in this snowy park instead of talking to my closest friends about everything going on, and more importantly being there for Hisao. A week just sitting around doing nothing while waiting for Hisao to wake up when I could’ve been doing anything else. A month setting ‘Nako and him up together as some sort of… penance? Last ditch effort to make myself feel better? Way to make it up to them before I ruin everything?
I don’t know.
And it all amounted to nothing – no, less than nothing. And finally, six months being a coward. Shit, like I said earlier it’s more like eleven years of that.
I’m being a bit too harsh, aren’t I?
Even in this state, I can see that that’s a little unfair to the past version of me. I wasn’t a coward for eleven years, I was just dishonest with myself. Still, it’s hard not to see it that way.
I don’t want to keep doing this.
I don’t want to be a coward anymore.
And yet…
“Mai?” ‘Nako finally stopped crying.
“Yeah?”
“You’re hurting my arm…”
What? My hand is tightly squeezing her shoulder. I jerk back. “Shit, sorry.”
‘Nako gently shakes her head a little, then takes my hovering hands in hers before I can pull back any further. She brings it to her forehead, leaning into it.
I lean in as well. “You’re shivering, ‘Nako. We should go home and get some rest for the day.” I rub the back of her thumb while she catches her breath.
“Right.” Yet she doesn’t make an effort to move. I can’t tell her about it yet. If nothing else, at least not today. It’s not like it’s happening tomorrow. It can wait.
Maybe it’ll be easier after I’ve seen Hisao.
‘Nako sits up and lets go of my hands, then wipes her face on her sleeve. That’s going to need to be washed. When enough time’s passed, I stand up and offer her a hand. “Ready?”
‘Nako nods in response and takes my hand. Then we start heading back towards the station. “Are you going to see him tomorrow, Mai?”
…
“Maybe.”
…
“Okay.”
…
Coward.
~ ~ ~
About a couple hundred yards in front of us is a cluster of trees perfectly grouped together to make a wind tunnel that only makes noise when there’s a slight breeze. A low hum, whistling out and breaking apart the otherwise suffocating silence of the vast, snowy field. Too strong and it blows right past it. Too weak and it’ll never make a sound.
“You weren’t there today.” ‘Nako’s resting her head on my arm while we sit on the bench. I guess this is our new meeting spot.
“Sorry.” Why here? What led me to this specific bench in this specific empty field?
“It’s okay.” ‘Nako takes a deep breath. It seems to help her decompress a bit. “There were a lot of people there anyway. Not everyone got to see him before visiting ended.”
Don’t give me an out like that. That’s too convenient of an excuse. Tell me to fuck off or stop whining and just show up or-... or anything. “Hmm.”
Oh. Right. This field wasn’t always empty; there used to be a park here. It’s where Hisao and I met. Two headstrong kids, with impossible expectations for the world, teaming up on a playground. Dorky grins plastered across our faces. Two outcasts, who finally managed to find a place where they belonged, together.
Two kids who dared to dream of the future.
A year later we sat across the street and watched as they tore it down.
“Why are you crying?” Hisao was leaning on the guard rail, looking at the terrifying monstrosities with an edge of awe on his face.
Meanwhile I was sitting on the curb, hugging my knees. “A- Am not!”
He jumped off and lost his perfect view into the park, then sat next to me. “I won’t make fun of you. So why are you?”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” It pissed me off that he could say that with such an aloof, yet somehow honest look.
Still, I lifted my head and watched as another mound of rubble was ripped from the ground and tossed into a metal coffin. “That was our place. We promised to take on the world there. Aren’t you sad they’re taking it away?”
“Nope.”
“But… Why?”
“I promised you. Not the playground. We’ll always be together, so it’s okay.” He stood up and offered me a hand. “Come on! My Auntie-Tomiko is making Dangos!”
His smile was so bright it hurt to look at. I wiped my face off. “‘Kay... ” Then I accepted his hand. The moment I did he took off in a sprint and – I don’t know why – he started giggling. I knew it wasn’t directed at me, he was just happy. And it made me happy. So with snot still clogging my nose I followed him, hand in hand, and laughed as we ran and ran and ran all the way to his house. By the time we got there I forgot why I was even sad in the first place.
Maybe that’s what drew me back here, now. I’m just going back to the beginning. A reminder of how many years I’ve spent chasing that dumb confidence of his. A decade of willful ignorance to what should’ve been obvious to me that day.
“You know,” ‘Nako sits up then looks at the ground, “they – his doctors I mean – were saying that he’s going to have to go under again.” She hugs her stomach.
“Oh…” This really is only the start for Hisao.
“Nothing major. A few small adjustments. Safety measures. Exploratory. Low risk. Those are the key points I remember. They said it’ll happen on Monday and, besides his parents, he can’t have visitors for a few days after that.”
Speeding up an already short time limit. Classic move. “It’s probably for the best. It’ll help them figure out the best way to help him.”
“That’s what they were saying.”
“And to make sure nothing else is wrong.”
“That too.”
Course they did. It’s what they always say to calm the people worried about the patient. It’s the exact words they’ve used on my family for a couple months now.
Is one day a long enough time to wait to talk to ‘Nako? How long am I going to keep pushing this off? I need to just rip the bandage off. “Hey ‘Na-”
“Are you going tomorrow?” ‘Nako’s voice is monotone. Detached. I don’t think she heard me, I was too quiet.
“I-... Maybe. I don’t know.” I rub the chain on my necklace. It’s cold.
…
It’s clear out today, but the temperature still dipped compared to yesterday. I should’ve worn something warmer under the jacket.
…
‘Nako stands up. “I’m gonna head home for today.” There’s no emotion in her voice. No anger where there should be. No harshness to her words when I deserve it. Nothing. She starts walking away.
“Hey, ‘Nako?” I need to say something to her. I can’t just let her leave like this. Would it be right for me to do something like that though? “I’ll try… to come tomorrow.” We’re friends. Really close friends. I hate seeing her like this, and yet I can’t help but sit here and let the hours waste away. She deserves to know. I can’t use seeing Hisao as an excuse.
…
“Mmm.” She doesn’t turn to face me, but nods a little. I silently listen to the snow crunching underneath her feet as she leaves.
…
Just say something to her. Talk to her, Mai! Tell her!
…
The footsteps fade, and she disappears into the winding path of trees.
…
I tuck myself into a ball on the bench and shield my face from the stinging breeze. I really am a coward.
~ ~ ~
I sit in the park alone for an hour before I give up on Iwanako responding to the message I sent. I didn’t expect her to come anyway. I didn’t visit Hisao today, so it only makes sense.
Even still I sit on the bench and wait.
It’s eerily silent today.
No breeze.
It’s not even snowing.
Not a bit of fog.
Just a gray sky, droves of dead trees, a sheet of bone-white snow, and a dull silence that sucks even that oxygen from the air.
Maybe tomorrow will be different.
Maybe…
~ ~ ~
Take a step forward. Then another. Then another. Do that a few times, and you’ll be inside the hospital. It’s right there, Mai, you just have to move.
So move, dammit.
My legs finally listen to me, but this isn’t even the hard part. I step through the doors, pass by the main entrance hall, and find the front desk. The lady running it makes eye contact and before she can say anything I cut her off and say, “I’m here to visit Hisao Nakai.”
“Of course. Morikawa, right?”
“Yeah.” I must’ve talked to her before. Hard to keep all their faces separated.
“Glad to see you’re here again. He doesn’t have nearly as many visitors today, so I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.” She taps away at the computer. Chances are he’s in the same room and we both know it, but I guess it’s her job to be diligent. “Looks like he hasn’t been moved. You know the way, correct?”
I nod, then head for the stairs. The lady calls out to me to point out the elevators but I wave her off, saying I’m fine. Those open straight into that floor’s waiting room where his family probably is. Or worse, Iwanako.
I reach the right floor, go towards the door to the waiting room, stop, take a deep breath, and stare through the door’s window. I see his parents sitting in a pair of chairs off to the side. They’ve dozed off on each-other’s shoulders. Next to them are a few people I don’t recognize, but are probably family. I don’t see Iwanako, so she’s probably in the room right now. The rest of our friends aren’t in the waiting area and I doubt they’d be in the room with Iwanako there so they probably didn’t show up today.
All I need to do now is walk in there. Just a few more steps. A couple more doors. Hisao is basically right around the corner. I just need to walk.
Instead of listening to me, my feet stay glued to the ground. I stare at the white tile below me and silently curse myself. I can never get myself to take these final few steps. If I talked to his parents or met up with Iwanako here then maybe I’d end up doing it for lack of options, but I can’t.
I’m scared to see him.
What if he’s too different? What if the Hisao Nakai I know isn’t there? What would I do? Would it ruin everything we’ve had up till now? I don’t want that. At least this way all of that’s still there, untainted.
But I should still go in. Even if it’s for the last time, I should go and see him. He’s not the only one who needs me there; there are others waiting for me too.
I know I should.
But I still can’t.
~ ~ ~
‘Nako joined me on the bench silently thirty minutes ago. Without so much as a word or passing glance she walked over and sat at the other end. It’s not like I said anything either. There’s no life left in her eyes. She hasn’t been sleeping. We haven’t talked. I haven’t talked.
I don’t think she’s going to start a conversation on her own today. “Sorry. I wasn’t able to make it today.”
Silence.
“Or yesterday.” I duck my head lower.
“Why?” The venom in her voice stings worse than the frigid weather.
“I…” How do I answer that? Why can’t I just do it? Or at the very least talk to her. It’s not like doing nothing is going to make it any better.
‘Nako sighs. “He asks about you, you know? Every day since he woke up.”
Ouch.
She looks over to me for the first time today. After that harsh opening I was expecting – no, I think I was hoping to see anger in her eyes. That I’d finally see that far too kind and considerate goody-two-shoes persona of hers crack and the anger I know she has to be feeling break though.
That’d be easy. But she looks hurt. Scared. “Hisao, he looked… I- I don’t think he’s going to be okay, Mai.”
That can’t be true. “He will. Just give him some time. Hisao has some amazing doctors working with him and-”
“That’s not what I mean. You didn’t s-see him today. It’s like he’s lost a-and I don’t know what to do.” She hangs her head.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
She takes a deep breath to calm herself down. “I’m not sure; it’s hard to explain. There was just this… look in his eyes – like he was trying to run away, or hide, or both. Like he’s closing himself up, or off. I’m pretty sure he’s giving up on some big part of himself. I don’t know. Whatever it is, it scares me. And if you were there, you’d have seen it too and you’d know just what I’m talking about.”
You’re wrong, ‘Nako. I think I do get it. I would know, more than any of you realize. Hisao died. He came back, barely, but from now on he’s going to have to face the brutal reality of his mortality forever now. Living just a step away from death’s door at all times. So I have a pretty good idea of what look you’re talking about. I see it in the mirror every day; I don't want to- I can’t see that look on his face.
“I guess so.” I squeak out.
Hisao has hope. Despite everything, they said there’s a good chance he lives a long and healthy life, dying of natural causes surrounded by the people he loves. Meanwhile I’m…
“So tell me: why weren’t you there?” There’s a spark in ‘Nako’s eyes, and a dangerous edge in her voice. It hurts to see. You always knew how to take the knife and twist it, even when you didn’t mean to.
“I can’t be there. Not now.”
“Why not?”
“He doesn’t need me.”
The spark flickers and bursts into a flame. Her jaw tightens until it snaps. “Oh, screw off! That’s a load of crap and you know it. You’ve been his closest friend for how long now? Ten years? Eleven?”
She’s actually getting mad at me? After everything before now, this is when she finally snaps? Not when I fail to show up day after day even though I tell her I will or when I hide behind half-baked excuses, but now. The hell’s that about? “Dammit ’Nako! You don’t understand…” And I can’t even blame you, because you’re right. It is a load of shit.
“No, I don’t. Hisao’s scared and he needs support now more than ever, and you weren’t there.” ‘Nako stands up to face me, crossing her arms. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her get this worked up before. “When he asked who else was there today and I told him I was his last visitor, I may as well have been telling him his parents died.”
I bow my head, avoiding her intensifying glare. “He’ll be fine. Hisao doesn’t need me.”
“That’s not the freaking point, Mai! It’s important that we remind him, now more than ever, that we’ll always be there for him. The doctors were saying that it’ll help let him know that life can return to normal, despite all of this.”
That’s the fucking issue! I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. That it can’t go back to ‘normal’ for Hisao, ever – especially if I’m there. That I can’t be there for him, as much as I want to.
But one look at the pain in ‘Nako’s eyes is all it takes to kill my anger, so instead I hang my head lower and hope that… What am I hoping for? That she’ll give up on me? I don’t want that either.
My lack of response only serves to piss ‘Nako off more. She marches in front of me and raises her voice. “He needs all of our support – his friends, his family, everyone! He needs us by his side. No one there is closer to him than you, Mai!” She jabs a finger into my arm. I don’t react. “Not even his parents. I know it’s hard, but you have to try!”
Why?! Why do I have to do anything?! Why can’t I just fucking disappear? I stand up and push past ‘Nako, bumping her arm as I go. But before I can go any farther, she grabs my shoulder and holds it tight.
“You need to be there, Mai. Hisao needs you.”
No. He doesn’t. No one does. They can’t need me, not anymore. My shoulders drop and whatever energy I had a moment ago vanishes.
I give up. I can’t keep running.
“The silent treatment, Mai? Really? What’s-”
“I’m moving.”
Another gust of icy wind cuts through the field and pushes the hair out of my face, stinging my skin. I let it fill my lungs with a deep, refreshing breath and lift my hand to the sky, then inspect the patterns on my dry skin. Billions of cells fighting fruitlessly to keep this body moving, while the commander of the ship goes mad at the helm.
Seventeen years, ten months, and nine days I’ve let escape me. And from here on out I will not let myself waste another goddamn second. I won’t.
I can’t.
“To be specific: after next week I’ll have moved up to the Sendai region.” I drop my arm back to my side and stare into the empty field in front of us, filled with dormant trees and smothered with snow. “There’s a private school there built for high school kids with special physical needs. I’ve already been accepted – with a few conditions, but that doesn’t matter.”
“What are you…” ‘Nako’s voice is shaky. She lifts her trembling hand from my shoulder.
Please, just listen. I need to say all of this before something else stops me. Before I can’t say it anymore. “My parents didn’t think it was a great idea at first, but I insisted. Especially after looking at all the other options.”
“Mai…”
“I mean, I can’t have you all watching what’s happening to me in person every day. Especially my parents or Kyo, Sota, and Yuta. I’d hate for them to see-”
“Stop!” ‘Nako grabs my shoulders and forcibly turns me around to look at her. “What are you even saying?! What do you mean you’re moving?! Mai! This isn’t the time for a damn joke!” She actually swore. It’s about the softest one you can go with, but it’s still surprising. Plus, I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.
“I- I wish I was.” I can’t hold it back anymore; tears start falling from my eyes. When she sees my face, ‘Nako steps back in surprise. I can’t stop now. “I really, really wish I was. I’m sorry ‘Nako, but I really can’t be there for Hisao right now. I can’t be there because s-sometime this year, or next year, or – if I’m really gods damn lucky – a year or two after that I’ll be dead.” I shrug because what else can I really say? Then the weight of the words leaving my mouth for the first time since we got the prognosis hits me like a train, and I break. I cover my mouth, trying to take the words back. But I can’t. I can’t take them back and I can’t stop dying.
“Huh?” Through teary eyes I see ‘Nako reach a hand out towards me. “That’s not- No. You’re lying. Right? You have to be lying!”
I shake my head. As much as I wish I was, I’m not.
‘Nako falls to her knees. “No, but… you have to be… You have to… that’s just…” She falls silent, covering her face, and stays that way for a moment. I’m able to mostly calm myself down enough to keep myself standing in the meantime. Soon enough she looks up to me, inspecting me for signs of my impending doom and coming up empty. “What happened?”
I take one last deep breath to steady my nerves enough to talk. “Remember when I missed school for a week a few months ago?”
“You… you had strep.” She’s less answering my question and more so pleading with me to say ‘that’s right.’ But it’s not.
“That’s what I told you guys. It was a lie. Truth is… I had a seizure. Doctors spent the better part of a month trying to figure out what the hell happened to me because my parents would not accept anything less than a surefire answer.” I thought they were being dramatic. That it was probably a fluke, like the doctors were saying. But Mom insisted that something was off. That they had to keep searching. So they did. That should’ve been the first sign. And I went along with it to humor her, but the joke’s on me.
I futilely try to wipe my cheeks dry. The winter air is already trying to freeze them over. “Well, we got our answer: it’s called Alpers Disease. I think Dad said it was ‘like a mutation’ of it or something. I never really understood the medical nonsense the doctors would say, so that’s the best I got.”
“I’ve… never heard of that…” ‘Nako’s hands are shaking. Or maybe my eyes are still blurry. Or both. I don’t know. I sit down in front of ‘Nako and take one of her hands in mine for support. Who’s, I’m not sure.
“It’s pretty rare. Most of the time it only kills really young kids. Like, can’t even walk on their own, shitting their own pants young - babies. That’s when it ‘activates’ or whatever and starts breaking their bodies down. That’s what happened to my older brother… apparently.” It took some time for me to connect the dots. The doctor mentioned that it was a genetic thing at one point, but by then it had been so long since I thought about the fact that Yuta and I were supposed to have an older brother that it didn’t occur to me until a few weeks passed. I asked Mom about it and, well, that was a long day. Short version is that they didn’t know exactly what he had until now either.
I squeeze ‘Nako’s hand a little tighter. “The thing is, sometimes it just doesn’t do that. Sometimes there’s a variant or something just goes wrong – or right, I guess – and the person lives into their teens. Then it ‘turns on’ or something to that effect, and that’s it. They die. I- I’ll die.” More crying. Dammit. “I might be dead before next year. I’m s- sorry, ‘Nako.”
‘Nako pulls me into a hug, soaking my shoulders with tears of her own and crushing my arms in her grasp. “Why are you sorry?” I’m sure she wants to say more, but she can’t.
So that’s it? She just… believes me? I thought she’d fight it more, or deny it harder, or- just- anything. Maybe that’s just me. Maybe she’s lost the energy to fight these things after what happened to Hisao. Maybe she just thinks this is all a dream. A nightmare. I really wish that’s all this was, but I’ve been trying to wake up for months now and yet I’m still here.
I used to think ‘Nako was a bit of a crybaby. Maybe I just didn’t cry enough. I hug ‘Nako back tightly as the frozen winds snap and bite at our skin. We stay huddled like that until our tears and snot freeze over, flake off, and we exhaust ourselves. Then we get back on the bench and she leans on my shoulder while we stare at the array of dead trees and snow piles around us for who knows how long.
I can’t imagine it was any less than thirty minutes.
Then ‘Nako says in a quiet voice, “So you’re leaving in just ten days?”
“Eight, actually. I leave next Friday. To move in. It’ll be the tail end of the school year so I’ll be exempt from exams, but they want me to start getting used to the environment and meet my classmates.”
“Oh. I see.” She sits up and wipes her eyes off. A few minutes pass before she finally works up the nerve to continue. “Do the others know?”
I shake my head. “Besides my direct family, you’re the first one to know about it. It was always going to be you or Hisao first. Or both if… well, not that it matters anymore.”
“So, Hisao…” She starts rubbing her wrist. “... How are you going to tell him?”
“I won’t.” I pull one of my legs onto the bench and hug it, resting my chin on my knee. I turn my head towards ‘Nako and harden my stare. “And neither will you. He can’t know about this – at least, not for now. He’ll find out eventually, obviously, but not right now. I want to be the one to tell him too, if possible. But before that he needs to deal with his own shit first.”
“So what? Do we just… lie to him?”
“You don’t have to do anything. I’ll handle Hisao.”
“And the others?”
“I’ll talk to them soon. Before I move, at least.”
‘Nako lifts her legs onto the bench and hugs both her knees. “So… what now?”
“I guess I prepare to move.”
“Why? Why do you have to go so far north?”
“It’s only a few hours by train.” I smirk, trying to make it not sound as bad, but it dies when the reality of the situation weighs in again. If it goes my way, they won’t be visiting me all that much. Any of them. Not Hisao, not ‘Nako, or my siblings, or anyone else. I will say my goodbyes, then I’ll disappear quietly. We’ll still talk on the phone and text and what-not, and chances are we’ll meet in person at least a few times before I… well, in any case I’ll phase myself out of their lives so it’s easier – for all of us. “Besides, I don’t want to drag any of you down with me. I’ve looked into it a little bit; what symptoms to expect and how it’ll progress. It won't be pretty.”
‘Nako balls up her fist on my lap, and her jaw tightens. “So that’s it, you’re just leaving us? Not even going to let us help you fight it?”
The last of my physical and mental energy leaves me and I slump into her. “There is no fighting it. There’s no cure and no way to slow it down. There’s only ‘making it more comfortable’ and sitting back and waiting while I go crazy and my body falls apart, until finally I’m six feet under.”
‘Nako doesn’t speak, but I feel my shoulder dampen and her shaking again. I don’t have the ability anymore. In the end, ‘Nako can still outcry me many times over.
“It’s not fair.” She whimpers out.
“I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head and buries herself into my arm. Her grip hurts, but only a little. After a few minutes like that she stops crying and releases her grip on me. Then I stand up to face her. “Let’s make a promise to each other.”
‘Nako wipes her cheeks off and looks up to me. “A promise?”
“Something for each of us to do going forward. And we’ll hold each other accountable.”
“Okay… Like what though?”
“I’ll promise you that I’ll never waste another second of my life from this day forward. I’ll live how I want to live, and die how I want to die, but not a second sooner. Every day from here on out – even the painful ones – will mean something because I’ll make them mean something. Finally, I’ll make sure to raise hell at Yamaku and have fun doing so.”
“Yamaku, huh?” ‘Nako giggles. It’s the first time in over a week I’ve heard that laugh. The first time since before Hisao’s attack that I’ve seen her smile. It reminds me of Hisao’s. I’ve missed it.
“Hey! What’s so funny?”
“Sorry, sorry, It’s just, it sounds like you’ll just be doing the same thing there that you did here.” Well, I can’t say that she’s wrong. She stands up and dusts her legs off. “Alright, so what do you want me to promise?”
“Promise me that you’ll start over too. That this whole thing will mark a new beginning for you. Maybe it’ll still work out with Hisao. Maybe it won’t. But either way you’ll find your own footing again. That’s the promise. As for Hisao, he still hasn’t responded to your confession, right?”
She shakes her head.
“Then for now, stick it out with him until he does. When you have your answer, move forward. Don’t get hung up on all of this. Don’t slow down. I don’t know how long Hisao’s going to be in that hospital, and I certainly don’t know how long he’ll be in that funk you mentioned earlier, but it will pass. You’ll- we’ll all be there when it does.” I don’t want us to spend the last months of my life moping around for one reason or another, complaining about how things could’ve gone. Hisao will bounce back from this – if not now, then eventually. I don’t need to see him to know that.
Nako hesitates at first. Then she straightens up and offers her pinky finger. “Okay. I think I can promise that.”
I lock mine in hers and we bind the promise. “Good.”
‘Nako tightens her grip. “But that’s two promises! So you’ve gotta make me one more too. Promise me that when you move, it won’t be goodbye. And I don’t just mean a couple phone calls every few months or a single visit in the summer.”
How did she-
The look on my face must’ve been obvious, because ‘Nako smiles. “I may not be as close to you as Hisao is, but I still think of you as one of my best friends. When you said you didn’t want to drag us down, you meant you weren’t going to let us be there. Sorry, but I won’t let that happen.”
“But… I wasn’t lying when I said it won’t be pretty.”
“I can handle it.”
“Then prove it to me. Say fuck, right now and I’ll promise.”
“Really?”
I smile and nod. It’s not like her saying fuck actually changes anything; I just want to hear it after being teased with that ‘damn’ earlier.
“You’re so childish sometimes, you know that?”
I raise an eyebrow expectantly.
“Fine, fine. I’ll say it.” She takes a breath. “F- F…”
With how much trouble she’s having, I can’t help but giggle. “Awww! It’s so cute seeing you struggle like this!”
‘Nako glares at me. “Oh fuck you, Mai.”
“YES!” I shoot my arms up in celebration, and since our hands are still locked ‘Nako’s arm goes up with it. “Haha! That’s amazing! I knew you had it in you.”
She pouts and pulls our arms back down, holding them in my face. “So you promise, right?”
“I promise.” I tighten my pinky finger around hers as one last confirmation. We share a nod, then ‘Nako surprises me again and pulls me into a hug before letting go of my hand.
It doesn’t take much for me to reciprocate in full. “And ‘Nako, one more thing.” I say into her ear.
“What’s that?”
“No matter what happens next, we’ll always be friends, right?” We’ve only known each other as actual friends for about a year and a half now, but I couldn’t imagine it without her. I can’t imagine what the rest of my life would look like without her either, even though that was my original plan.
“Best friends, obviously.”
The tension in my arms fade. Then ‘Nako starts to laugh. A real, honest, warm laugh. The type I haven’t heard in what feels like forever, even though it’s only been about two weeks. And I join in. I laugh too. From somewhere deep inside me I genuinely laugh for the first time in months. What did I do to find someone like her?
“You know, Mai, with the crying and now all this mushy crap, you might just have to stop dressing like a delinquent!”
“And with that new sailors mouth of yours, you might need to stop acting like a goody two-shoes!”
‘Nako brings a hand to her chin. “Hmm. Give me your jacket.”
“What? Why?”
“Just do it!”
“Fine, fine.”
As I’m taking the jacket off, ‘Nako takes hers off as well. Then she holds hers up towards me. “Now put this on!”
I raise an eyebrow, then grab hers. She takes the opportunity to snatch mine from my hand as well. Ah, I see now. I shake my head and smile, then start putting on the bright, floral, fluffy jacket of hers while she slips into mine.
Afterwards, we inspect ourselves, then each other. Black is not the color for that outfit. Worse still, she has way too soft of a face for something like that. Not that I’m any better off in hers. ‘Nako takes one look at me and instantly starts snorting.
This is ridiculous. “This doesn’t work at all!” But I love it, and I laugh with her. And we keep laughing until our stomachs hurt and we’re tired and ready to go home.
I have a feeling that this year is going to really, really suck. But maybe it won’t all be so bad, and I’ll certainly do everything in my power to make sure it’s the best gods damned year of my life. No. Matter. What. It has to be.
Before anything else though, we’ve got Hisao to deal with.
As for what’s next; I don’t know what or who’s waiting for me at Yamaku, but dammit I need to be ready to face it. I can’t have a repeat of this past week. And I’m going to come out on top. I don’t have any other choice.
Table of Contents |Next Chapter: Act 1 - Chapter 1: (Re)Introduction (Coming October 16th)
Thanks for reading and huge thanks to Feurox for giving me feedback on this prologue and helping me get it post ready. I hope you enjoyed the prologue of this story and will stick around as I proceed to start work on my second full story! To be clear, I haven't stopped work on Uncertainty and am getting very close to posting the next Scene of that, but I'll leave talk for that story there.
This one is very dear to me and I first got the idea for it back in February of 2023. I talked somewhat extensively with Talmar about the concept and how it might play out, and since then my thoughts, ideas, and plans for the story have only expanded. I'll probably take some more time later on to talk about some of that, but for now that's all! I'll see you in about two weeks when I post Chapter 1 and Act 1 of Saying Goodbye to Tomorrow begins!
