Katawa Shoujo Forums

Deep down, I always wanted to write, yet I never did. It was just something that I didn't do, it wasn't the person I was... Right?
So after I graduated from university and, like many, started questioning who I was and what I wanted in life, I decided to start writing.
I havent yet figured out who I am, I don't think that's even possible. But writing has played a role in bringing me closer.

So below are the first chapters to my route, the first piece of fiction I've ever written. A lot more are on their way, just needing another final review.

So it's time for Hisao to start his time at Yamaku once again, only this time a tiny insiginificant choice sends him on an entirely different path.

Can the sun shine on itself

The future is a tree of infinite branches and leaves, sprouting ahead of us from the present into an ungraspable canopy of possibilities. Sometimes we pretend to plan for the future, thinking that our present self knows the place our future self would like to be. Other times, the tree gets cut down in front of us and we are the single leaf falling into the river to be carried away by the current of time.

My tree has gone up in flames.

When the old is ash and the new is shrouded in smoke, only the insignificant choices remain. Decisions like what shirt to wear today, what book to read or where to sit for lunch. Those are the choices that can send us down a totally new path and there is no pretending we planned it.

Chapter 1; A new leaf

I don’t recall deciding to come here. Now I’m standing in the middle of the cafeteria holding a tray filled with a mediocre lunch, a coffee and a side of regret. I could have waited and went to a restaurant with Shizune and Misha. I also could’ve tried to talk to Hanako one more time, though it probably would’ve ended in a disaster again. Instead, I just walked to the cafeteria on autopilot, it’s where you are supposed to eat lunch after all. Now I’m here all alone, in the middle of a cafeteria that’s slowly filling up with unknown faces. An endless supply of other students with an endless supply of disabilities.

I awkwardly scan the room for a place to sit and eat my lunch. I do spot one girl that I’ve seen before. I don’t know her name, but she sits quite close to me in class and well... I guess the most recognizable aspect is that she only has one hand. I could try sitting at her table but she’s loudly speaking to a legion of guys I don’t recognize at all.

Instead, I sit down at an unoccupied table towards the back of the cafeteria and start braving the awfully sticky rice with the brown sauce they gave me. The lunch actually tastes better than yesterdays, though that’s not a very high bar. I do feel a little bad about having to eat lunch all on my own. It’s only my third day here at Yamaku but I should find some company for lunch tomorrow, lest I become known as the lonely transfer student always sitting on his own.

“Heey. Nakai wasn’t it? Can we sit here too?”

As if the universe heard my plea for lunchtime company, I hear a voice behind me. Turning around reveals no less than four girls holding lunch trays. I think I recognize the blonde girl from my class. I’m not sure but she has to be in my class, how else would she know my name?

“Sure, no problem, and call me Hisao, uh-“

Dang. She can’t expect me to know their names already, right? I should have just said yes and left it at that.

“Inoue! But just call me Naomi. I sit in the back of the class, remember? And next to me sits Natsume.” Naomi says this pointing to her friend besides her. Neither the girl, nor the name Natsume ring a bell. Behind her glasses two differently colored eyes look at me curiously. Natsume greets me with a small wave, showing considerably less enthusiasm than her friend.

“And these are my friends from class 3-4,” Naomi continues, motioning at the remaining two girls.” “You probably haven’t met them yet. This is Sa-“

“Enomoto, Saki,” the girl in question says, clearly wanting not wanting to leave her own introduction up to Naomi. She gives me a smile and a nod, then sets her lunchtray on the table and takes a seat, leaning on a cane in the process. It looks like one of those canes an old man would have. It still feels weird seeing a young girl using one even though I have seen my fair share of canes the last few days.

“And I am Fujiwara. Asumi Fujiwara. Nice to meet you,” the last girl says, seemingly blushing a bit. Or maybe the red on her cheeks just stands out more because this is by far the palest girl I have ever seen. Her hair is closer to white than blonde that together with her light skin gives her an almost ghostly appearance.

“Hisao Nakai, I transferred into class 3-3 this week,” I say as I give a quick nod to the two new girls.
With the introductions over the girls quickly join me on the table, with Naomi and Natsume sitting next to me and Saki and Asumi taking the seats across from us.

“But Saki, let’s go back to the question I asked before we joined Hisao. What about that boy from the art club?” Naomi says as a huge grin appears on her face.

Saki rolls her eyes at this. It looks like she was hoping Naomi would forget about their previous topic.

“I mean he is kinda cute, but he is so full of himself it gets kinda annoying.”

“Oh, but you do think he is cute?” Asumi counters.

“I should be able to do better,” Saki responds smugly.

Great, it appears I have joined the gossip club for lunch. We had these girls at my old school too, of course, I think they are one of those universal highschool cliches. But back then I never really interacted with them, the few times I overheard their conversations it always just felt so... draining. That was also one of the reasons I was so surprised to receive that note from one of those girls…

“And what about you Hisao?”

Naomi’s attempt to draw me back into the conversation startles me a bit as I was idly picking away at my rice, deep in thought. Not that I mind too much, I wasn’t reliving happy memories anyways. “Uh, what about me?”

“I wanted to know if you met any pretty girls yet,” Naomi says with a wink.

“Uhhh...” I stammer, utterly confused where that came from. Naomi looks at me with a teasing expectation in her eyes. I think I know what she wants me to say, and I am not going to cooperate. “Hmm. Well, I did meet Lilly Satou the other day. I guess I would call her pretty.”

This results in some distinct reactions from the girls, Naomi just laughs at my response but looks like she was hoping to hear her own name. Saki and Natsume nod at my response, as if agreeing with my taste in women.

Asumi on the other hand just shakes her head. “Well, better get in line Hisao.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think every year she gets like, three or four confessions. You should go for it. You know, to keep up the statistics.”

Her response causes me to blush a little. I shouldn’t be too surprised that Lilly would be popular with the other gender but I only met her two days ago. “Hey I just met her, I’m not going to do anything like that.”

“Not yet,” Natsume adds dryly.

I look across the table at Asumi. She still has a teasing smile on her face, though this time I notice something I had not noticed before. Her eyes don’t really look back at me from behind her glasses – which remind me of Kenji’s round glasses but not as thick – her pupils jump back and forth, as if she is watching a tennis match being played right behind me. Another reminder that I’m in a strange place with strange people. I wonder how long it will take to y get used to it all. “I am still in the process of meeting people here, it’s all a bit new to me,” I say towards the staring girls.

“You’ve been here since the start of this week. Who have you been hanging out with then?” Saki asks.

Thinking back to my last few days, I talked a bit with Lilly in that empty classroom, met the interesting figure that is Kenji and tried to have a conversation with Hanako in the library, without much success. Though it’s clear who the two people are that I have spent most of my time with. “Mainly Shizune and Misha, from my class.”

This causes another laugh to come from my right, Naomi and Natsume must have already noticed this in class. On the other hand, Asumi and Saki exchange a curious glance with each other.

“You know them?” I ask, not sure what their short exchange was about.

“Oh everyone knows those two, Hisao. They are pretty famous... or no eh-” Asumi snaps her finger in the air twice while looking up, as if the word she is searching for is somehow written on the cafeteria ceiling. “Infamous, I mean. Did they try to get you to join the student council yet?”

“Oh yeah, constantly. I rejected every offer so far, but I feel like every day Shizune gets less subtle about it.” Not that they started off as being very subtle.

“Soon you will start fearing for your life. Trust me,” Natsume says.

“Yeah honestly, try joining any other club before they get to you. The art club always has room,” Saki says.

It seems the art club is also looking for new recruits. Hopefully I don’t become some prize to fight over.

“The newspaper club too, me and Natsume are in that one. You could write something about your experiences as a new student! Or do like, interviews with different people so you get to know them. Or maybe you can-”

Luckily the bell signaling the end of lunch interrupts Naomi’s enthusiastic recruitment pitch.

“Well thanks for the suggestions. I will think about it,” I say as I stand up to leave.

I guess joining a club wouldn’t be a bad idea, it would help with getting to know the student body a bit more. Neither art nor journalism are really my thing though and the student council is definitely not happening. We leave the cafeteria with Asumi walking next to me, the other three girls following quickly behind, still busily talking. Thinking back to our conversation, a question pops into my mind.

“Hey Asumi, are you in any club?” I quickly add, “Please answer that without trying to recruit me.”

This draws a giggle out of her, after which she quickly shakes her head.

“Oh, why not? I thought it was almost mandatory here.”

“Nah. It’s only encouraged. There just aren’t any that really align with my interests.”

“What do you like to do then?” I ask. Now I am curious if she has some exotic hobbies or if it’s going to be something like shopping or watching tv.

“Eeuh, I mostly just read a lot,” she answers, seeming a bit embarrassed to admit this. “But I do some other stuff too.”

“I also have been reading a lot as of late, but I thought there was a literature club?”

“There is, but I think they are full right now.”

Shizune and Misha told me this already. At the time I suspected that it wasn’t actually full and they just told me that to get me to join the council instead. I guess blatantly lying is a step too far, even for those two. “That’s a shame, that could have been a good opportunity to meet some more people with similar interests.”

“There are other ways to do that. Most people are friendly here.”

“So far at least,” I say while smiling at her. “It was nice having lunch with you guys.”

“You can join more often, if it’s up to me.” She stops walking and points at the door to her left. “Anyway, my class is here. See you around.”

I wave at her and continue walking towards my own classroom. It actually was nice having lunch with them. They did bully me a little and it could have been less gossipy, but it was better than sitting alone.

I only get a few steps closer to my classroom before Naomi suddenly gets the jump on me. “You are doing good at meeting new people, Hisao!” She motions towards the door of classroom 3-4 just as Saki goes through it. “Do I need to repeat my question from lunch?”

Chapter 2; Adapt and Evolve

The library has quickly become my favorite place here in Yamaku. It’s calm, smells of books and most importantly it has a lot more variety than the small hospital library. I am still not that familiar with it however, as it seems I have wandered into the Braille section. I shouldn’t be surprised that a school like this has an entire Braille section, but it was disappointing to find out I couldn’t actually read that book that I liked the title of, I guess the dots on the binding should have given that away.

Turning the corner, I notice the tall and blonde girl, who isn’t out of place in this section of the library.

“Hi Lilly,” I say. She is tracing her finger over the covers of the books, probably trying to look for a certain one. That seems like it would take a while if you did not already know where to look.

“Oh Hisao, is that you? What brings you to this section of the library?” she says as she doesn’t quite turn towards me.

“Eh, I was looking for a light novel, one not in Braille that is.”

“If you have a moment, I can show you the way,” she turns back to the bookshelf she was inspecting before and takes out one of the books. The title is also listed in non-Braille and appears to be in English.

“You read entire books in English? That’s impressive.”

“I have had plenty of practice,” she says with a smile, “Though the library does not have many books in English Braille, so Yuuko helps me order them through the internet.”

I didn’t even realize there were different types of Brailles for English and Japanese, but in hindsight it makes some sense. Lilly signals me to follow her, and for the second time this week I am having a blind girl lead me the way. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit bad about it, but if Lilly doesn’t mind, should I?

As we reach the section with the tables for studying, Lilly turns to me. “The novels should be on one of the shelves in the corner. Do you think you are able to find them from here?”

“I should be fine. Thanks Lilly!” As I say this, a familiar girl at the table closest to me looks up from her book, seemingly annoyed with me interrupting the silence of the library. “Oh, hey Asumi. Sorry for the noise.” I say, now quieter.

She waves away my apology.

“Is that Asumi Fujiwara? Have you two met already?” Lilly says. “How have you been Asumi? It has been quite a while.” She doesn’t turn to address her, though.

“I’ve been doing fine... and you?”

Lilly now turns in Asumi’s direction although not exactly nailing her position. “Quite well. Are you still among the top of your class? I remember you scoring quite highly before.”

“Please, Lilly, don’t expose me as nerd in front of Hisao.” Lilly chuckles at this. “But I guess I am still doing well on most subjects.”

“Now now, no need to feel ashamed for your academic performances. I know a lot of students who would envy the ease with which you score so highly.”

Asumi rolls her eyes at this comment. These two have known each other for some time. That much is obvious, but I am having a tough time guessing their relation. Lilly seems to be doing her best to make conversation, but Asumi just looks like she wants to continue reading instead.

“Well, not as easily as you get perfect scores on most English exams,” Asumi counters.

Lilly smiles proudly. “I do have an unfair advantage. My parents insisted that we’d speak English at home.”

“Cool.”

Lilly stands there, fiddling with her cane for an awkward second before speaking up again, “Well unfortunately, my class representative duties are calling. It was nice talking to you again Asumi, and I hope you find the book you were looking for, Hisao.” Lilly bows politely and takes her leave.

“Bye Lilly, thanks for the help,” I say.

As she exits the library, I move to talk to Asumi, but she holds up her hand in front of me. Her hand stays there for a few seconds, just as I am about to ask what she is doing, she speaks up.

“So Hisao, still crushing on Lilly?” Asumi says with considerably more enthusiasm. I should have known this was going to come up.

“No, still not.” I sigh. “She has just been nice to me the last few days. That’s all.”

“She definitely is nice, but...” Asumi trails off, staring at the ceiling of the library.

“Huh?”

“It’s just, with her I never really know for sure if she is nice because she really means it or because you ought to be nice to people... Does that make sense?”

I never really thought about it like that, Lilly definitely is very formal and polite and being helpful to a new student does sound like the right thing to do. But she does come across as being sincere, to me at least.

“Hmm. I think I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt,” I say. Asumi smiles at my response, and I once again notice how her eyes never stay still. “So uh, what are you reading?” I ask her.

“It’s called ’The Selfish Gene’.” She holds her book upright so I can confirm that that is, in fact, the title. “It’s about evolution and stuff like that.”

“Oh interesting, like how we used to be monkeys?” I say, feigning my ignorance of the topic a little bit.

“Yeah, exactly, which is more noticeable in some people than in others.” She smirks at me as she delivers this line. “But no, it’s more on how DNA works, survival of the fittest and how this influences the behavior in animals.”

I nod as she lists the topics of her book, it does sound interesting. “And in humans?”

“Probably, I am not that far yet.” She holds up her book a bit. The pages on the right seem to be about equal to the left side. “I am not the fastest reader.”

Her choice of book is unexpected. When I met her yesterday with the other girls, I just shelved them all away under the category “Gossip Girl” in my mind. After lunch she did say she liked to read a lot, but if I had guessed what kind of books she would be into, this is not what I would have come up with. Though, Lilly did mention she got good grades just now. Thinking back to that conversation, a thought pops into my mind, causing me to laugh out loud.

“What’s so funny?” Asumi looks at me curiously.

“It’s just that, you were annoyed that Lilly revealed you were a bit of a nerd just now. But you wouldn’t have been able to keep it a secret for that long anyway,” I say with a grin.

“Pffft, idiot. Don’t you have a book to look for?”

I walk off in the direction Lilly pointed to before, still giggling a bit. Asumi being a little embarrassed about her interests is quite funny. What’s more, she is also quite cute when she is embarrassed.

I return to the table section with my book, where Asumi is reabsorbed into her book. She seems to be very close to the pages, looking down at the letters through some sort of glass bowl. It looks a bit strange. I guess this must help her read better.

“So, what book did you end up going for? You already judged my taste, so now it’s my turn,” she says as I take a seat at the table next to hers.

Uhh... When I picked this book, I wasn’t really thinking about books, but I can’t just say that. I quickly scan the backside description of the book that I ended up with, I can’t even remember exactly why I picked this one.

“I, uh, just picked a random novel that looked interesting. It’s about some guys drinking beer and having conversations... Apparently,” I say, a bit embarrassed about my choice of book compared to her more academic reading material.

“Ah, a real book for the bros.”

Silence returns to our section of the library. I open my book and start reading. I only get two sentences in before my curiosity goes back to the girl in the chair to my right. “Can I ask you a question? That piece of glass you were looking through, can I see it?”

“It’s a lens, but sure. Just be careful.” She hands it to me. “They don’t have this book in big print, so I use that instead. It’s a bit slower, but it works.”

I slide the lens over a page of my own book, the words below increasing in size substantially.

“Oh I see. Interesting.”

“My eyesight is pretty bad, but this thing helps. I do have to be a bit careful not to burn down the library if the sun hits it.”

I hastily turn around to check the window behind me, afraid that I will start a fire, but I seem to be in the clear. Asumi seems to have noticed this and giggles.

I already thought her eyesight was not the best, judging from her glasses, but if she needs this lens it might be worse than I thought. I am still not sure about the movement of her eyes. Is that what makes her vision worse or is it the other way around?

Problems with eyesight do seem to be among the most common disabilities here, whether it is completely blind like Lilly or only legally blind like my hallmate Kenji. Though this does raise another question. “Hey Asumi, didn’t you say you were in class 3-4? Lilly told me that class 3-2 was the one for eh… People that have trouble seeing?” I grimace. I should have chosen my words before starting that sentence.

“Hey, my eyesight is not that bad,” she responds, ignoring my awkward description. “Though I was in that class in my first year.”

“But not anymore? What changed?”

“Erh nothing really. I requested to be moved to a different class for the start of the second year.” She taps her finger on the cover of her book. “It was just that, my sight was the best in the class. It got annoying after a while.” She looks a bit wistful as she says this.

“I can imagine. Did the others constantly need to borrow your eyes?”

“Well, that was part of it yes. Whenever something needed to be done that required sight it was often up to me.” She sighs. “It just felt like I got put in the wrong place. Like I didn’t belong there.”

Those words resonate somewhere deep inside me, she somehow managed to put into words the feeling I had ever since I passed through the gates of Yamaku. That slight expectation that any moment someone would come up and say: ‘there’s been an administrative error, you can go back to your normal school.’ Wishful thinking, of course. But for Asumi to have felt like that for an entire year, must have been awful. It doesn’t exactly raise my hopes of being able to integrate here.

I look back to Asumi again. She is staring at her book again without reading any of the words. I am still holding her lens, but her eyes are also noticeably absent. I am to blame for her digging up those unpleasant memories, I should at least try to lighten the mood a little. “Well, good thing you got put in a different class. You like it in 3-4?”

Asumi shrugs. “It’s better. I met Saki there last year; we became best friends quite quickly.” A slight smile slowly makes its way back to her face. “I don’t think we would’ve been friends if I stayed in the other class.”

It feels satisfying to see my cheering up attempt having worked, somewhat. It does give me that little bit of hope that I was missing before. “I wonder how long it will take me to find my place here.”

“I am sure you will do fine, Hisao.” She looks at me, her pupils dancing. But this time I am sure they are looking right at me.

Chapter 3; Casting a shadow

My rumbling stomach startles me awake. I stare at the unknown white walls and ceiling with no idea where I woke up. I freeze, waiting for the rhythmic beep of the heart monitor...

Nothing.

It has almost been a week and still I sometimes expect to wake up in a hospital bed. Shaking off the sleep and confusion, I check my alarm clock. It is nearly noon already.

I remember waking up way too early; some jackass was hammering something right below my window, creating the feeling that I had fallen asleep on the floor of a metal foundry. I started reading to pass the time and must have dozed off again.

I down my cocktail of medications, though it does little to satisfy my hunger. Judging from the sound coming from outside, the festival has already started. Ah, that festival. I did end up helping Misha and Shizune out a bit with the preparations, though not entirely out of free will and not as much as they wanted me to. Now that the day is here, I am a little curious to see what all the enthusiasm was about. More importantly, they must have some good food for sale and that is exactly what I can use right now.

I stroll around the festival grounds for a minute, resisting the temptation to buy something from the first stall I see. I should at least check out my options first. It is actually a lot busier than I expected, with a lot of people from the nearby town coming up to check out the festival. They are easy to spot too, you can see them scanning the students as if they are guessing their disabilities in their heads. It reminds me a bit of my first day here, which makes me feel guilty now I am subjected to those same looks.

Before I can reminisce for too long, I notice a familiar face within the crowd, happily chatting as usual.

“Hey Naomi!” I wave at her as I approach, she and the girl she was talking to turning to me.

“Hisao! How do you like the festival so far?” Naomi responds, bursting with energy.

“Hi Hisao,” a familiar voice calls out, coming from the girl Naomi was talking too.

Upon closer inspection, this girl turns out to be Asumi. She is wearing an overly large sun hat and sunglasses. If it weren’t for her white hair coming out underneath her hat, I don’t think I would have recognized her at all.

“Oh hey, Asumi. Sorry I almost didn’t recognize you,” I say a bit ashamed to admit this. Compared to Naomi’s summer-ish getup, Asumi is dressed more conservatively with jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt. But the giant hat and the sunglasses definitely make her stand out. “You look like a tourist.”

“This is just to protect me from the sun, Hisao,” she says as she taps the tip of her hat.

“I see.” I struggle to gauge if she minded my comment, her dark sunglasses completely hiding her eyes. “But eh, I just came out of my room, so I haven’t really seen much of the festival yet, I was mostly looking for some food.”

“Oh, that’s great, really great!” Naomi beams, “Asumi was just about to get some food from that stall over there. I already had some and it’s really good.”

I find it a bit suspicious how easily Naomi decided what our lunch would be, but I guess it saves me from having to inspect every stall first since there are more than I was expecting. I look towards Asumi for confirmation. She just shrugs.

“Sounds like a plan, then. Are you not coming along?” I ask Naomi.

“No. Like I said I already visited that one and I still need to cover about fifteen others.”

“Are you really going to check out every stall?”

“It’s my job Hisao.” She pulls a small notepad out of her bag and waves it around for emphasis. “I am a journalist and the people are expecting a detailed description of the festival. I can’t afford to miss any hidden gems!”

“Ah okay. Good luck then,” I say, a bit taken aback with how seriously Naomi takes her duties at the newspaper club.

“Thanks! How about we meet in the gardens in like an hour then? Asumi, you know the spot, right?” Asumi nods in response.

With our appointment set, Naomi hops off in search of her scoop. Honestly the energy that girl brings with her is almost frightening.

I turn to Asumi, “Shall we then? I eh, didn’t have breakfast and I am starving.”

“Me neither. Let’s go.”

We stand in line without really saying too much to each other. We probably aren’t the only ones who have been told the food is good at this place, as it takes us about five minutes before we get to the front of the line. We both get a big bowl of noodles with me getting an extra chicken soup, because man, am I hungry.

As we leave the stall with our food, Asumi speaks up again. “Hey Hisao, mind if we eat over there.” She points to an empty bench that sits in the shadow cast by the large tree in front of the main building. “Sorry, I can’t be out in the sun for too long.”

“No problem at all,” I say, waving away her apology. Honestly, it would be nice to sit in the sun and enjoy the weather, but it’s a small price to pay to enjoy my lunch with Asumi.

I say that, but it is a bit chilly with the wind picking up.

We quickly dig into our food and it seems Naomi was right; it is delicious, albeit a bit too greasy. As I am finishing up my soup, I look over to Asumi. Surprisingly, she already finished her noodles. It was quite a big bowl as well; quite the appetite considering she is a smaller girl.

“Hey, I haven’t eaten anything today yet,” she says, having caught my train of thought.

“Also got out of bed too late for breakfast?”

“Nah, I just never eat breakfast,” she says. Great, I just admitted that I stayed in bed the entire morning while she was already up and about.
“Don’t you know it’s the most important meal of the day?”

She must have heard this before because she has an answer ready immediately.

“Pffft, that’s just a myth made up by some companies to sell more breakfast supplies.”

I stare at her for a moment, trying to figure out if she is being serious. Those damn sunglasses make this nearly impossible, until she suddenly starts laughing.

“Just kidding, just kidding. But that’s why I just eat a bit more for lunch.”

“But why?” I personally cannot imagine starting my day without breakfast. I guess everyone has their own routine, but I am curious to hear the reason behind it.

“I eh, just got used to it at some point.” She shrugs. “Saves me time in the mornings too, so I can stay in bed for longer.”

I nod. Now that is a reason that I can get behind. I return to my bowl of noodles. As I am nearly finished, a heavy gust of wind suddenly blows the paper bowl out of my hand. The noodles get launched onto the pavement and the bowl itself tumbles a few times before ending up in the row of plants that lines the main building. My other hand floats in the air, still holding the chopsticks as I try to process what just happened. I was almost finished anyways but damn, I was really enjoying those noodles.

“Hahahahahaha.” Asumi, on the other hand, finds this hilarious. “Looks like the gods decided you had enough unhealthy food Hisao.”

I get up from the bench to retrieve the bowl before it gets blown further away. My noodles lay in a sad pile on the pavement. There’s no rescuing them.

“Awh don’t worry, we can get you some more food,” Asumi says as she stands up from the bench, throwing her empty bowl into the trash can. Using my bowl, I scoop up most of the noodles from the pavement and do the same thing. That looks clean enough.

Now, let us see some more of this festival.

We head back to the spot that was apparently designated as a meeting spot by Naomi earlier. We didn’t actually have that much time left to check out the festival. We did get the opportunity to grab a small snack though, to make up for my lost noodles from earlier. We ran into Naomi again, now accompanied by Natsume, as they were digging into a chocolate covered apple that Naomi swore she only got out of a journalistic sense of duty.

After that, we walked around and looked at the different games that are on display, but we didn’t play any. I briefly floated the idea of playing that game where you have to knock over a stack of cans with a ball. Maybe I could have won some stuffed animal and given it to Asumi or something. In the end I didn’t. The game looked quite hard, if the people trying it out before me was any indication. But even if I did win, would I really give a stuffed animal to Asumi? I don’t want that to get misinterpreted, I barely know her yet.

As we approach the meeting spot, I can see Saki, Natsume and Naomi are already there. There is also another guy with them, I am not sure if I met him before. I give a wave to them as we join their little circle.

“Hey Hisao, are you liking your first Yamaku festival so far?” Saki asks me.

“Yeah it’s been great. It’s a lot bigger than I imagined.” In my mind it was going to just be a handful of stalls with food. I also didn’t think there would be this many visitors from outside the school. “What have you guys been up to?”

“I was responsible for the stall from the art club for a few hours. We are selling some pieces if you are interested in sprucing up your room,” Saki responds.

I don’t think we saw that stall but that does remind me; my room here is still very plain. Maybe a painting on the wall would help me from feeling like I woke up in a hospital bed. “Oh, sold anything so far?” I ask her.

“I actually sold one that I made to a nice older man,” Saki says proudly, though this look quickly disappears as she continues. “Though most people were interested in the art pieces advertised as made by a blind student or by one without arms.” Saki sighs. “I know the money is going to a good cause but still, it feels a bit... dirty.”

I grimace at that thought, and looking around the circle the others share my sentiment. That the value of the art comes from the novelty of it being made by someone with a disability, instead of the artwork itself. It fills me with some unreasonable anger as I imagine the artwork hanging on the wall of some wealthy guy as he proudly tells his guests that it was painted by a young blind student. While the people here at Yamaku don’t seem to treat each other differently based on their disabilities, obviously the outside world still does, for better and for worse.

Shaking this scenario from my head, I realize I am forgetting my manners. I turn to the only other guy in the group. “Oh, before I forget, my name is Hisao Nakai.”

“Yeah, I know,” he responds with a grin. This draws laughs from Naomi and Natsume, one considerably louder than the other. “My name is Haruhiko... I am in your class.”

Oops. I really had no idea, but even with this information I still don’t recognize him.

“I sit in the front row... Next to Ikuno.”

I don’t know who that is either.

“Aah, don’t worry about it. We never really spoke before,” he says noticing my confusion. “Nice to meet you, man.”

With one of the more awkward introductions of the week out of the way, the six of us sit down in the grass. The next hour or so is spent chatting about everything and nothing. Naomi gives us a rundown of her journalistic outings of today, Haruhiko talks about his upcoming track meet and Asumi briefs the group on my incident with the noodles.

A few topics come up that I am clueless about, being a new student, but I honestly don’t mind. I really missed days like today, just sitting with friends, laughing and chatting, not worrying about anything. The last time I did this was months ago. Today has been a big contrast with the loneliness of the hospital, and I think I only just now realized how alone I was back then.

“Hey Hisao, we were planning on going into town for dinner. You want to join as well?” Natsume asks me.

“Yeah, why not?” I say. I mean it too. Today has been great and I can’t think of a good reason for ending it prematurely.

“Great, we will leave when Naomi gets back from the bathroom.”

“Have fun,” Asumi says.

“Are you not coming?” It sounds like she is not coming.

“No. My dad is coming up for the festival, he should be here any minute now. I will have dinner with him,” she says, “I really wish I could join but at least he is visiting me instead of the other way around.” A smile returns to her lips. “Today was fun.”

“Oh okay. Have fun then,” I say as Naomi rejoins our group.

“Good luck!” Saki says as we walk off.

I wave Asumi goodbye. She’s still standing in the shadow of the main building, her face hidden by the hat and glasses.

We exit the school gates, Naomi and Natsume going up ahead. Haruhiko is walking in front of me, Saki holding his arm for a bit of extra support. Even though I am only alone for a minute, I feel a bit of regret.

Not that I mind my remaining four companions, but I really would have liked Asumi to join. I impulsively agreed to join for dinner and just kind of assumed she was joining too. By the time I found out it was a bit too late to cancel. I guess I could have, but what signal would that give to the others? That I am only coming along for Asumi?

While I am contemplating all of this, we walk down the hill leaving the noise of the festival behind us. Suddenly Haruhiko and Saki stand still, continuing to walk next to me when I catch up.

“So Hisao, I had a question.” Haruhiko asks. I nod at him, prompting him to continue. “You have done a good job making friends in your first week.”

That’s not a question.

He grins at me as he continues. “But... Any of them that aren’t girls?”

Nope, just Kenji.

Chapter 4; Headquarters

I shut my door behind me, groaning. I feel like I am 80 years old. I pull my jacket over my shoulder, it’s my first time wearing it. I’m so tired that I’m feeling cold in the middle of summer.

The good memories from yesterday do somewhat make up for how miserable I am feeling, but not quite. We ended up visiting a teahouse in town, the Shanghai, for dinner. We watched the firework display from there, which was surprisingly elaborate for a high school festival. After the fireworks we didn’t want to leave just yet, so we played cards and chatted for a while. Though the end result was that we got back to the school after curfew. Luckily, we managed to stay out of trouble, but the lack of sleep is catching up with me.

“Hey man, where were you yesterday?” I hear a voice call out behind me. Oh no please, I don’t want to deal with him right now. “I needed you last evening, but you left a man hanging.”

“Oh hey, Kenji. I, uh, went to the Shanghai with some friends,” I respond, still rubbing some sleep from my eyes.

“You did WHAT?” He responds as if I just told him I burned down an orphanage instead of having dinner with friends. “You can’t just walk into the lion’s den and act so casual about it, man! That’s where their intelligence operation is based out of. You’re lucky to make it out alive.”

“Their what now?”

“Look, from now on you need to have eyes in the back of your head or they’ll get you. They must have already assigned you an agent that is now watching your every move.” I blink a few times; he lost me a minute ago. “Don’t believe me? They did it to me in my first year. They put one of their best agents on me.” He actually sounds proud of himself as he says this. “I made her though, so they pulled her out. She was some foreign spy so she stood out too much, rookie mistake. Or maybe she was a vampire...” He trails off.

Between the nonsense that comes out of his mouth, the gears in my head suddenly process something. I think I know who he is talking about.
“Asumi?” I let out involuntarily as the realization dawns on me.

“Sue you? No man their vengeance won’t come through legal ways, at least not yet. They must remain in the shadows for now, so be careful of unattended drinks and men with umbrellas.”

I thought he had problems with his eyes, not his ears and what do umbrellas have to do with anything? “I will, thanks for the advice,” I say, hoping that playing along is my best bet. “I really have to get to class now.”

“All right man. And remember, eyes in the back of your head,” he says, holding two fingers against the back of his head for emphasis.

Kenji gets back into his room and quickly shuts the door. I guess he is not going to class? As I start to walk down the hallway, I hear what sounds like at least eight different locks being clicked into place. What a weirdo.

I do make it in time for class, despite Kenji’s best efforts. It seems I am not the only one who is feeling a bit tired from the festival, as multiple students can be seen using their books as pillows.

I nod at Haruhiko, who manages to nod back at me at exactly the same time. After yesterday I am happy to say that I have at least one male acquaintance that is not a complete lunatic. I wave at Natsume too, there’s no point in waving at Naomi; she is currently lying face down on her desk.

I take my seat and follow the example of the other students and inspect the softness of my science book with my forehead. Mutou comes in a few moments later, looking like they don’t pay him enough to get out of bed. Luckily the classes are uneventful, with Mutou just giving out some simple assignments to keep us occupied and Shizune and Misha being too tired themselves to haunt me about the student council.

I manage to stay somewhere between awake and asleep for the first half of the day. Today’s classes seem to have kept in mind the sleepiness of the students, but it was still a struggle to make it to lunch. As I grab my tray, I spot Asumi holding two lunchtrays.

"Hungry again?" I say teasingly. She just looks at me confused. "You have double portions."

"This one is for Saki." She nods with her head towards the tray in her left hand.

"Ah, of course." I am just too tired to get into any witty banter, maybe I shouldn't try to be funny today.

We make our way back to our table in the middle of the cafeteria. There are no assigned tables in the cafeteria but somehow the last few days we always managed to sit at this exact table. Natsume, Naomi and Saki are already there as we join the table. We exchange a short greeting, but it seems Naomi’s explosive energy has not gotten out of bed with her today. Asumi gives Saki her lunch, to which she responds with a quiet “Thanks”. She must be tired too.

“Good morning ladies!” Haruhiko joins us. It seems he is the only one in the building that slept well. I fail to suppress a yawn.

"Enjoyed yesterday?" Asumi asks me. She looks just as sleepy as the rest of us, even though she wasn’t with us in the evening.

“Yes! I had a lot of fun,” I respond, putting my last energy reserves into my enthusiasm.

Thinking back, we didn’t even do anything too special yesterday, but because it had been so long it felt special anyways, strolling down the festival grounds with Asumi and the lunch we shared on the shady bench. I can even laugh about losing my noodles now that it’s been a day. Then, when we just sat around with the whole group, it really reminded me of hanging out with my group of friends back home. Then dinner and games at the Shanghai was nice as well.

I still feel a bit bad about Asumi not being able to join us. I mostly feel bad for her, but also a little bit about myself. I feel myself blushing a little bit and before my tired mind can stop me, I blurt out the thought I had. “Though it wasn't as much fun after you le-“

THUNK

A loud bang interrupts me. The sound is almost deafening compared to the tired and quiet conversation around the table. I scan the cafeteria for the source.

“Shit!” I hear Natsume yell out.

It’s Naomi. She has fallen sideways out of her chair and is now laying on the cafeteria floor. She is not laying still though. No, quite the opposite. It seems like every muscle in her body is moving at once, her limbs shaking around heavily.

Before I can even process what is happening, Natsume leaps out of her seat, about ten times faster than I’ve ever seen her move.

She crouches next to Naomi, holding her head with her hands. Saki soon joins her on the floor as well.

Naomi is still shaking.

I have no idea what is happening.

“Hisao, your jacket!” Natsume shouts.

Huh, my jacket?

“Give me your jacket Hisao,” she repeats.

I have never heard this urgency in her voice. It triggers something in my tired brain, and I quickly take off my school jacket and toss it to her.
Natsume folds it up and places it under Naomi’s head, which Saki is gently holding up.

Naomi is still shaking. At least her head is somewhat protected now.

I realize I am still sitting in my chair, frozen. I should probably help too, right?

As I stand up, I hear a vaguely familiar voice call out behind me. “All right all right, everything is under control here. You can go back to your lunch,” the nurse shouts to the onlooking crowd in the cafeteria as he briskly walks over to us. Haruhiko is following him. I didn’t even see him leave, he must have ran to get the nurse as soon as Naomi fell.

“How long?” the nurse asks the girls sitting on the ground.

“About two minutes,” Natsume responds.

“And the fall?”

“Could have been worse. Back of her head again though.” Natsume calmly relays this information to him.

“Okay. Let’s load her up and get her into my office then.”

They put Naomi on a stretcher, which is made difficult because she is still moving albeit less than before.

Just as they are about to leave the nurse turns to me, his voice a whisper. “You don’t look so good; you can take today off if you need.”

“Uhm okay,” I stammer out. “Thanks.”

I watch them leave, the nurse and Haruhiko carrying the stretcher and Natsume following closely behind. Leaving me, Asumi and Saki in the cafeteria.

Our lunches are still on the table, halfway finished. I am not hungry anymore.

The universe seems to agree as the bell signaling the end of lunch rings out.

“I knew I would find you here.”

I look up from my book and see Asumi standing in the otherwise empty library. She is holding the same book she was reading last week under her arms.

After what happened to Naomi during lunch, I went back to my dorm room, on doctors’ orders. I first intended to take a nap, but I guess I was still a bit too shaken up to do so. Instead, I came to the library, since everyone else is still in class the place is deserted.

“Naomi is fine, by the way. Natsume texted me,” she says, plopping down in a beanbag next to me.

That’s a relief. Saki and Asumi did tell me about Naomi’s epilepsy afterwards and that this just happens every so often. That still didn’t put me at ease, though.

“Good. Thanks for letting me know.”

“And you? You looked pretty bleak after what happened.”

“I’m doing fine now. I was just shocked, I guess. I’m not sure if I can ever get used to things like that.”

“I don’t think you ever can get used to that, Hisao. I can’t, at least,” she says. It looks like Naomi’s seizure actually had an impact on her too. I had assumed that it was routine for them and I was just showing my newness.

“I got you something by the way.” She reaches into her bag and hands me a chocolate bar, also taking one for herself. “Since we didn’t get to finish lunch.”

I unwrap it and take a bite, I suddenly realize how hungry I was all this time. If I recall correctly there was a rule against having food in the library, but I really don’t care right now.

“Thanks,” I say with my mouth full. “Really I feel much better already, except.” I stare at the library ceiling as I try to put the nagging feeling I had the last hour into words. “I didn’t do anything for Naomi. I should have helped Natsume or ran for a nurse like Haruhiko.”

“You did help.” She pokes her finger into my still bare forearm; my jacket stayed under Naomi’s head as she got transported to the Nurse’s office. “You did more than me, actually.”

Now that I think about it, that’s true. Saki and Natsume were the ones to tend to Naomi, Haruhiko sprinted to get the nurse. My mind was occupied with other things at the time, but I don’t recall Asumi getting up to help either.

I look into her ever-moving eyes and I think I recognize the look on her face. She is feeling just as guilty as I am, guilty about not being there for our friends when they needed us. I shake my head; she has no right to feel this way.

“Well,” I say, gently putting my hand on her shoulder, “you helped me.”

Chapter 5; Lights Out

This book is better than I first thought. Sure, it’s still mostly about guys drinking beer at each other’s apartments, but it’s also about friendship. Maybe that’s why it struck a specific chord with me over the last two days. The ability to make a large positive impact on someone’s life, through little effort of your own. If you analyze friendship rationally like that, it’s clear it’s not only worth it but essential.

Or maybe I am just reading a bit too far into this book. Still, it’s a nice thing to do while I am waiting for Mutou to show up. I should be able to finish this page before he gets here.

Then suddenly, it got dark.

Startled out of my contemplative reading session, I scramble to remove the piece of cloth from my head and look up to a blonde girl that’s fighting to control her laughter.

“I thought I would return this to you!” It turns out I was blinded by my own school jacket.

“Naomi!” I say, ecstatic to see her. She seems to be back to her usual mood. “How are you feeling?”

“Still a bit of a headache, but good,” she says rubbing the back of her head. “I have been through worse!”

Her comment stings, I don’t want to imagine it being much worse than what I witnessed yesterday.

“How are you?” she asks, her usual energetic manner of speaking replaced with a more caring tone. “Asumi told me you were a bit rattled after what happened.”

“Yeah. I’m fine now, though. Don’t worry about it.”

A long overdue good night of sleep helped, that’s for certain. However, I am not sure if I would be feeling like this if it wasn’t for Asumi visiting me in the library yesterday. Even after our talk she stayed and we just spent some time reading while the library slowly filled up with other students. It felt... nice.

“It’s a bit of my fault too. Sorry,” Naomi says.

Now that was not what I was expecting. How can she say that when she was the one laying on the cafeteria floor? If anything, I should be apologizing to her.

“My seizures get worse when I’m tired. I also don’t think I ever told you about my epilepsy.”

I guess she didn’t. I never asked because nobody ever asked me. It just seemed like that wasn’t the proper thing to do around here. I never really wanted to know what the reason was for people to be here, at least not for the ones for which it was immediately obvious, like Naomi. Knowing so would only put more pressure on me to talk about my own situation. I am just not ready for that yet.

Suddenly an image flashes in my head. It’s me laying on the cafeteria floor, instead of Naomi...

I really should open up about my heart condition to them. Soon.

I suddenly realize I never responded to Naomi. I just hope she didn’t see the brief flash of terror on my face. “It’s really not your fault. And now I know.” I add the last sentence reluctantly, knowing what it implies.

“Yes because, eh-” Naomi sighs. “It will happen again.”

I really hope it doesn’t happen again, but if it does... “Then you’ll get to borrow this again,” I say, waving my jacket.

“Thanks!” Naomi beams a smile at me. “It’s really good to know that there are people looking out for me when the lights go out in my head.”

I nod at her. She smiles at me and for a moment there is an understanding there. Then she quickly throws it out of the window.

“Phew, that got really serious there for a second,” she says, back to her usual energy and accompanying volume that only Misha can surpass. “Quick, Hisao, say something funny!”

All I can do in response is point to the door, from which Mutou has been silently observing for the last fifteen seconds or so.

A metallic clank sounds out from the machine as the chocolate bar hits the collection tray, I pick it up and head towards the cafeteria.

It’s not about the money that the candy costs that I feel the need to pay back, but I feel this piece of chocolate represents something. It is a token of gratitude. A way I can say: “Thanks that you came looking for me in the library” and “Thank you for understanding me.” Maybe it can even say: “I am here for you too”. But at the very least, I know she enjoys this kind of chocolate.

I collect the rest of my lunch, one cannot live on chocolate alone, and head towards ‘our’ table where the group is already busily chatting away. They greet me as I join them.

“Had to grab something real quick,” I feel the need to explain why I showed up late for lunch.

I wait a moment before the group resumes the conversation they were having. It’s about the bad breath of our history teacher. Now that their attention isn’t on me again, I slide the chocolate over to Asumi, I don’t want to make a public performance out of it.

“As a thank you, for yesterday,” I say to Asumi.

“Oh.” She looks surprised. “You really didn’t need to.”

“I know, but I wanted to anyway.” I smile at her.

“Oh, am I misremembering the date?” Saki suddenly says, looking at the two of us. “It’s not Valentine’s Day already, is it?”

Oh no. I didn’t even think about this. I was so preoccupied with assigning a symbolic meaning to the bar of chocolate that I forgot it already had one; a boy giving chocolate to a girl he likes. “Euh, no it’s not like that,” I respond hastily. I feel myself blushing a little, “I owed Asumi one for yesterday, that’s all.”

“That’s all?” Saki looks like she isn’t buying it.

“I gave one to Hisao yesterday. He didn’t get to finish his lunch,” Asumi jumps to my rescue.

Saki shrugs. She doesn’t look exactly convinced, but seems content in dropping the topic.

I go back to listening to the conversation of the others. It’s mostly about some drama that unfolded in the newspaper club. Me and Asumi don’t end up saying a word to each other for the remainder of lunch, both of us probably too scared that Saki will bring things up again.

As we start to walk back towards the classrooms, a hard object suddenly hits the back of my left leg. I turn around. It looks like Saki just poked me with her cane.

“Sorry, just wanted to grab your attention,” Saki says. “I wanted to apologize for the teasing.”

“Huh? Oh that. It’s fine.”

“I was just messing, but it looked like you didn’t enjoy it.” Saki looks a bit disappointed. “Both of you, really. I won’t do it again.”

“All right, thanks,” I respond. I did not think it was that big of a deal, but it’s nice to see that Saki is willing to apologize for flustering me and Asumi.

“But!” Saki exclaims as we reach the door to class 3-4. “I do think you two look cute together.” And before I can respond she goes through the door.

Didn’t she just say she wouldn’t do it again?

“Nakai, may I have a word with you?” The teacher’s voice catches me just as I was about to leave the classroom and head for freedom.

“Sure,” I reply to Mutou, trying to gauge whether I am in trouble or not.

He doesn’t start right away. Instead, we awkwardly stare at each other as the last two students hastily exit the classroom. It seems like that blue haired girl had to be woken up first.

“I was notified of the reasons you missed class yesterday,” he says.

“Ah yes, the nurse told me it was okay to-“

Mutou interrupts me by waving his hand around. “I am aware. I am not worried in the slightest about you missing a class.” He pauses, weighing his words, “I was just wondering, did Miss Inoue brief you on her condition? I noticed you two speaking this morning.”

“She kind of did yes. But I was briefed on it already yesterday, after uhm... it happened.”

Mutou nods. “Good, good. Miss Inoue has quite an extreme case of epilepsy, it might come as quite shocking to those who are unaware.”

That it sure did. I wonder where Mutou is going with this.

“The goal of this school is to enable our students to live lives as close to normal as possible and we do not expect them to be able to administer first aid. Though with some conditions it is almost unavoidable that this will have to occur, in that case it is critical that at least some of your fellow students know how to respond.”

Oh. I think I know where he is going with this conversation now.

“In the case of Miss Inoue, it is important to prevent her from hurting herself without constraining her. And always call a nurse. Miss Ooe has been doing an excellent job of that this year, but it never hurts to have more people in the know.” Mutou pauses and looks me straight in the eyes. “You might want to consider telling a handful of students that you become friends with what they need to do in case your condition... rears its head.”

I barely manage to hold back a sigh. I know it’s important Mutou, I really do, but do I just start talking about what to do in case I have a heart attack to people I barely know?

“Now I can understand that as a newcomer, this might not always be simple,” he continues as if he sensed my doubt. “And I don’t expect you to do it today, just keep it in mind, okay?”

I nod at him. “I will. Thank you, sir.”

He smiles at me, although it feels a bit forced he does seem to appreciate my response. “That brings me right into my next point. How have you settled in Mr. Nakai? Socially, that is.”

I guess before I can tell any friends about my condition, Mutou would first need to know if I have any. Still, it feels a bit odd to have a teacher take an interest in my social contacts. But to be honest, I have nothing to hide. I don’t think I ever was the best at making friends, but this time around it kind of just happened.

“I spend lunch with Naomi, Natsume and some others. Hung around with them at the festival too,” I answer.

He nods again, “And after school? Any clubs that caught your interest?”

“No, I mostly just read in the library after school,” I answer. I quickly realize how lonely that sounded though. “Not alone though. Uhm, Asumi joins me there sometimes.” Well, she’s been there pretty much everyday.

“Ah, Miss Fujiwara.” He nods. I guess it’s nice to know that Mutou approves of my choice in reading company.

Though this does remind me of something. I nearly finished my beer book and was thinking about reading something more substantial.

“Teacher I was wondering,” I hesitatingly ask. “Do you have any book recommendations that are about more... sciency stuff?”

Mutou looks at me curiously for a good moment while rubbing his chin. “I hope you don’t mean science-fiction, most of that is nonsense anyways.” He suddenly beams a smile at me. This time I am sure it is genuine. “But otherwise, I think I might have something for you.”

He moves over to his desk and rummages through it. After a brief moment of searching, he pulls out a book and hands it to me. ‘A brief history of Time’. Never heard of it.

“I think you might find this interesting. If you do, we could talk about it sometime.”

“I can give it a try,” I say. I just hope I didn’t make a big mistake and end up with some book that’s impossible to get through. “What is it about?”

“Time. Space. Space-time. Black holes and such,” Mutou answers. “Don’t worry, it’s not that dense. You won’t find a single equation in there.”

That’s a relief, I don’t think I was ready to read a book about theoretical physics in my free time.

“You’ll get used to this school in no time. Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change, and you’re a smart kid, Nakai.”

I stare at him quizzically. That was a nice thing to say, albeit a bit unprompted.

“That’s a quote from the scientist who wrote this,” he says pointing at the book I now have in my hands. “Well, only the first part of course. He is disabled too.”

I cringe a bit at his last sentence. I know he means well, it could even be inspiring. But it is the ‘too’ part that rubs me the wrong way. I really just don’t want to think of myself as disabled, though I guess the fact that I am even here speaks against that.

Before I can get too deep into that depressing rabbit-hole, Mutou speaks up again, “Well, I think I have held you up for long enough, enjoy the rest of your day.”

“Thank you, sir,” I respond. “For the book and the advice.”

I put the book into my bag and leave the classroom. I think I’ll head to the library to get started on it, no time like the present, right?

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Another two chapters out there, a shorter and longer one. I had a lot of fun writing these (a few months ago now). I'm really enjoying writing dialogue with these characters, trying to get them to sound like unique people without overdoing it.

Chapter 6; Hardly Covered
What would my life even look like without coffee?

That’s the only thing on my mind right now, as I sit away sipping on my can ignoring the chatter around me.

“I’m gonna buy that violet skirt I tried on last time, I’m sure now.”

“Yes! It looked cute.”

These last weeks I have felt like a stray cat who accidentally wandered into someone’s home, and who then chose to adopt him. It’s almost literally what happened too, that day I accidentally sat at this table in the cafeteria, which later turned out to be ‘their’ table.

I wouldn’t say I mind too much; I enjoy the company on most days. But that is also because they don’t discuss shopping for new outfits on most days.

“I really wanted to check out that new store, I need to get a new look soon.”

Sometimes I just can’t keep up with them.

“We’re going again this weekend?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Because my dad is questioning how much I’m spending, that’s why.”

It doesn’t help that I am once again exhausted. I had trouble sleeping and I suspect it’s my medication. The nurse did say that insomnia is a common side effect. I ended up reading more of the book that I got from Mutou instead of actually trying to sleep, though. I nearly finished it.

“It’s sale, even more of a reason to go!”

“Yeah, just join us.”

These are the times that I question hanging out with girls so often. If only Haruhiko was here, I could at least share the misery.

“Asumi! You should come too and buy that black dress. It looked amazing.”

“I’m not buying that! It shows way too much skin.”

Okay now I am a little more interested in their conversation about shopping.

“What? Afraid you’ll have to fight off the boys?” Naomi says teasingly.

“No you idiot! I’ll burn like a shrimp!” Asumi retorts.

“You can wear it inside! Or use more sunscreen. Should be fine right?”

Asumi just shrugs.

“Hey, Hisao,” Natsume is the one to drag me into the conversation this time, she must have noticed I was actually paying attention. “You want to come too?”

“You mean shopping? Hell no.” I have seen how that story ends: me carrying half my body weight in shopping bags for them.

“We’ll go into the city, we can do more than just shop there,” Natsume explains. So, five hours of shopping and a quick meal break from the sound of it.

“Plus, I think you could use some new clothes too,” Saki grins at me as she says this.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I have only ever seen you wear a sweater vest outside of school,” Saki says with the distaste for my clothing seeping through every word.

“That was only two times!”

“Two times too many,” Asumi mumbles, just a little bit too loudly. This draws laughs from the entire table, I find it hard to keep a smile off of my face as well. I like my sweater vests, but it looks like the haters outnumber me four to one.

“We can go for dinner and karaoke after again,” Naomi pitches in.

Now that sounds better already, but is it worth a long torturous shopping spree?

“I’ll ask Haruhiko along too, so you won’t feel left out,” Saki says. That would be nice, but it could as well be out of necessity; they’re probably planning to buy so much they’ll need two pack mules. Saki grins at me again, it’s her grin that signals that she is about to drop a verbal bombshell, “Plus! You’ll get to see Asumi try on that black dress.”

I can’t resist a slight blush and I apparently are not the only one at the table, though it’s much harder for Asumi to hide it. “You already had me at dinner and karaoke,” I say, trying my best to ignore Saki’s teasing.

“Good, but some extra reasons to go never hurt.” Saki winks. Really, this girl just can’t help herself.

“I just really like karaoke,” I lie.

There are a million million million million million million million million particles in the universe, but the few that make up me always seem to end up in the same place: the library.

There were questions that I got a lot here in my first weeks. ‘What hobbies do you have? What are your interests?’ It’s only a natural thing to ask if you want to get to know someone better. It makes sense.

But having to answer every single time that I just read in the library, a lot, it makes me feel a bit ashamed. I don’t know exactly why, there’s nothing wrong with liking to read books right? There are worse ways to spend one’s time, like watching reality-tv.

Maybe I just have been afraid that the people who I meet will boil down my personality to ‘boy who only reads’ or that they’ll think I only read because I haven’t made any friends to actually hang out with. That last part might have been true in the first weeks, but I don’t think it applies anymore. Even when I do read here in the library, what one would assume is a lonely activity, I am often not alone. Lately, Asumi and I have been finding each other here nearly every day. It’s been nice. Even if we are both fully absorbed in the book we are reading, not saying anything, it’s nice to not be alone in here.

Though we do definitely chat often, sometimes even drawing the ire of Yuuko, who despite her meek way of addressing us, does try to keep the noise levels in the library to a minimum. Sometimes Asumi and I talk about school or our common friends, but most often we talk about the books we are reading. It’s like we formed our own little two-person literature club.

Like the other week where Asumi was enthusiastically explaining how human culture transfers the same as genes do. ‘Memes’ she called it. It was a bit hard to follow, my biology knowledge not exactly being up to par, but her sheer enthusiasm made it endearing to listen to her. I wouldn’t describe Asumi as a very enthusiastic person to begin with, at least not compared to Naomi or even Saki. But when she talked about what she learned from her book, she became more alive.

In turn, I am now summarizing some parts of the book I got from Mutou. I am not sure if I am doing a great job.

“So... is it a wave or a particle?” Asumi asks, honestly interested.

“Yes,” I grin at her.

“What do you mean, ‘yes’?” Asumi laughs.

“It can be both.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Now, I agree with that, but they did this experiment with like two slits, and they show it’s not just a particle otherwise it would be blocked by the wall, instead they find that the electrons show up in this, like, exact normal distribution, so it must be a wave as well.”

Asumi just stares at me quizzically.

“Sorry, I got a bit carried away,” I admit. “Is this actually interesting to you?”

“Yeah.” She pauses. “I think you’re doing a good job explaining it. Most of it, at least.”

“Well, this guy does a way better job at it,” I say holding up the book in question.

“Maybe I should read the book then,” she says.

“Really?” I stare at her in surprise. I initially had the idea she was just listening to me out of courtesy, maybe with a slight interest in the actual subject matter. I was not expecting her to find it that interesting.

Asumi just shrugs at me. “Why are you so surprised?”

“Uhm. I just didn’t think you would find this interesting.”

Now Asumi stares me straight in the eyes. Well, as straight as her eyes allow her to. It’s an odd gaze, like I am being inspected at airport security as a potential smuggler of illicit substances.

Then, out of nowhere, she whacks me on the head with her own book.

“Ow. What was that for?” I say, holding my head. Luckily Asumi’s book, and I never thought I would say this, is not a hardcover one, so it doesn’t hurt all too much.

“It’s because I’m a girl, isn’t it?” she says accusatorially.

I stare at her and blink a few times. Is it? Maybe. I guess there is the general stereotype of science being a boys’ club. I think about it for a moment, I can’t definitively say that was the reason I thought she wouldn’t enjoy this topic, but I also can’t say for sure that it wasn’t. I don’t think I am that prejudiced, right?

Change of tactics, for now.

“Wait, you are?” I do my best to act flabbergasted.

Asumi raises her book up again, menacingly.

“Kidding kidding,” I say with my hands held up high in surrender. “It’s not like that, really. You can borrow the book.” I extend the book towards her but pull it back just as she is about to take it. “First, promise you won’t use it as an offensive weapon,” I say, holding up my finger like a mother lecturing a child.

“I promise,” Asumi says. I extend the book again and she takes it into her hands, “unless you deserve it again.” She grins at me.

“It’s actually Mutou’s book so please try to not damage it on my skull,” I say, though it will probably do more damage to me, as this is a hard-cover book.

“I’m sure he’ll understand.”

“No seriously. He was really enthusiastic about me reading this book. He wants to discuss it with me and start something of a science club.” A bright idea pops into my mind. Something that would be much more fun than being in a club with just Mutou. “Maybe you can join it too.”

“Hmm. I don’t know... Just sitting in a classroom with Mutou talking about a book. I think I’ll pass.”

“With me, too!” I say, trying to convince her. “And maybe we can do other things too. I would have to ask Mutou what he was planning.”

“Okay... I’ll think about it.”

Chapter 7; Away We Go

This is going about as well as I predicted.

“How about this one?” Naomi says, holding up a blue t-shirt with a frog on it.

“No,” I sigh, shaking my head at my fashion advisors. “Also, I already have enough t-shirts”.

The last hour and a half have given me some flashbacks. It reminds me of when my mom would take me into the city to go shopping for clothes. It was around the time where I was old enough to have an opinion on what kind of clothes I wanted, but still too young to actually go out and get them myself. We would stroll from store to store, my mom holding up pants and shirts for me to give my opinion on. That would seemingly go on for an eternity, for us to end up with like three new items in the end, usually those she really insisted on.

But instead of my mother, I have to deal with Saki and Naomi, and their bizarre suggestions.

“This one would look great on you Hisao.” Saki takes her turn to present me with a piece of clothing.

This one is even worse than the last. It’s a shirt completely covered in different colored fish, so much so that the shirt does not even have a background color. It’s just all fish. Do I really understand so little about fashion or has the whole world gone crazy?

“Huh,” I let out. “Why would anyone ever buy this?”

“What, don’t like fish?” Saki replies.

“Not that much, that’s for sure.”

“Well, I’ll let you know if I find any sweater-vests for you then,” Saki says. “But I don’t have high hopes. This is an actual fashion store.”

I shake my head at Saki’s nearly consistent teasing and go through the rack of shirts once again, hoping to find something more... wearable.

I am still not entirely convinced that I need a new shirt, though if you subtract the sweater-vests from my wardrobe, I do not have that many remaining options. I’m still going to wear those, of course, but the point about the sweater-vests has been driving home, by the entire group. I briefly floated the idea to wear one today, just to spite them. I decided against it. It would only prove their point that I don’t wear anything else.

Then I spot a shirt that I could see myself wearing, on sale too. Its navy with a dark-green geometric pattern on it that’s not too prominent but still adds something.

“How about this one?” I say holding up the item I selected.

“It’s fine,” Naomi says, not too enthusiastic about it. “A bit boring, maybe.”

“That’s true,” Saki adds. “So it is a perfect fit.”

Ouch, that hurts. “If I’m that boring, why don’t you go bother Haruhiko instead?” I retort without returning Saki’s playful tone.

“Because you obviously need our help more, Hisao,” Saki replies. I walked right into that one. “But you aren’t boring, you’re actually an endless source of fun!”

“With that, you mean that it’s fun to constantly torment me?”

Saki smiles and nods her head vehemently. It is a challenge to stay mad at her like this.

“I’m just going to try it on,” I say.

“Come to the women’s section once you’re done, bring Haru too,” Saki requests.

I make my way over to the dressing rooms with my potential purchase in hand. I pass an older woman with, presumably, her husband in tow. It seems I am not the only one who has a personal fashion advisor as she is holding up multiple items for him. The man looks like they have been here a while, I can only empathize with him.

I reach the dressing rooms, where Haruhiko is standing in front of a mirror, observing the outfit he picked out before with less involvement from the girls than in my case. He seems to be wearing black pants, and a yellow-ish shirt. Together with the yellow headband he always seems to be wearing, it makes him look a bit like a bee.

“Hey Hisao, what do you think?” he asks, turning around to me.

“Looks pretty good I guess,” I respond. He really asked the wrong person, but I do think he can pull off this look.

“I’ll get these then,” he says. Apparently, my hesitant approval was all he needed. “I think they’ll like too.”

“Who’s ‘they?’”

“The four lovely ladies that are with us today, of course!”

“Oh, are you looking for some clothes to impress them?” I take my opportunity to be on the giving end of some teasing, though I don’t have the gift that Saki has.

“It’s mostly for me,” he responds calmly. “Though some extra motivation never hurts.”

Haruhiko seems to be a bit more comfortable around the girls than me, but maybe that’s just my own fault. I am not sure if I would really call him a good friend just yet, but I do like his carefree attitude. I briefly wonder if there is any specific one of the four that he has in mind when selecting this outfit. I could just ask him, he might even answer me, he seems like the kind of guy who would be fine admitting that. The problem is that question is likely to get bounced back at me.

I just enter the stall and quickly change into my new shirt. I don’t think I am really wearing the proper layer below it, but it fits nicely. I look in the mirror and observe my reflection. I have never been that conscious of my appearance. It’s not like I don’t care what I look like, but I don’t mind looking... average might be the best way to describe it. I spend some time in the morning to make sure my hair doesn't look absolutely ridiculous, which it would if I didn’t at least pat it down with some water. Yamaku has school uniforms, so that was another worry off my mind in that regard. Back when I went to my old school, I usually just picked whatever clothes were on top of the pile in my closet. It was a varied collection, most of which I don’t even remember buying. Maybe that was my mom’s doing. But I never really thought through what I would wear that much.

Now looking at this shirt, I think Ilike it. Naomi said it was a little bit boring, but that is coming from her. She finds anything that isn’t bright and colorful boring. And if Saki actually hated it, I would never have made it this far. Furthermore, I just like it. It’s a little fancy but not overdoing it. I step outside the stall, still wearing the navy shirt.

“Hey, looks good, man,” Haruhiko says unprompted.

“Thanks,” I reply. That comment did take away the little bit of uncertainty I still had. “I’m getting this one.” Haruhiko looks like he is decided as well, as he changed back into his regular clothes. “Oh and we had to meet the others in the women’s section after.”

Haruhiko nods and I quickly re-enter the stall and remove the shirt. After which we head off to look for the girls. It takes us a few minutes to locate them, owing to the fact that the women’s department is about five times the size of the men’s.

“Hey girls, are you done yet?” Haruhiko asks them.

“I am, at least,” Natsume says, holding up a bag with the logo of this store on it, “Asumi is finishing up in there.” She points to the occupied fitting room.

“Just a few more minutes.” Asumi’s voice can be heard coming from inside.

“So did you end up getting that shirt?” Saki asks me.

“I did, and I like it,” I say decisively.

“I was just joking before.” Saki playfully pokes me on the shoulder. “I think it looks good.”

That manages to put a smile on my face, though I wish she would have just said that before.

I step back to dodge Natsume’s shopping bag. Haruhiko is trying to sneak a peek into Natsume’s bag, but she keeps skillfully dodging him to keep her purchase a secret, much to Naomi’s delight.

I’m happy I went along with this trip, despite my earlier moping. It wasn’t too bad, at least way more fun than the shopping trips with my mother, and I even found something I am happy with. More importantly, we still are planning to get dinner and do karaoke tonight before going back to the school.

Then Saki pokes me in the ribs with her elbow, taking me out of my thoughts. She just motions with her head towards the stall Asumi just came out of.

All I can think is that the dress is as advertised, if not better.

Asumi is wearing a relatively small smooth black dress. From my limited knowledge on the topic, it’s not even that special of a dress. But it definitely looks special on her, the dark black color contrasting beautifully with her white appearance. It’s also a contrast with the long-sleeved shirts and sweaters I have seen her wear before, her pale arms and legs are now exposed to the air. It makes the dress look even blacker. She even added a black ribbon in her white hair, completing the picture.

“That looks really beautiful,” Haruhiko vocalizes my thoughts.

“Haru!” Saki yells at him.

“You can’t deny it,” he fires back at Saki. “Doesn’t mean I want to marry her.”

As the others agree with Haruhiko’s position, I make eye-contact with Asumi and realize that I haven’t said anything yet. I just hope my jaw wasn’t hanging open in the meantime.

“He’s right you know,” I say. “It looks good on you.”

“Told you they would like it,” Natsume says to Asumi.

“With that reaction you can’t not buy it,” Naomi adds.

“Okay, okay, I’ll get it.” Asumi sighs. “But only because it’s forty percent off!”

As Asumi returns to her stall, Saki whispers in my ear, “So, did you like it?”

“I said that I did, didn’t I?”

“You just agreed with Haru. He’s the one who called her beautiful.” She’s still whispering, “Watch out or he’ll get away with her.”

There's a brief second where I'm actually shocked to hear her say that, though I quickly realise it's Saki again. It’s too late though, as Saki is already laughing out loud and the others are looking in our direction. I really should be expecting this by now.

“You’re a demon.” I sigh.

Saki just continues laughing, putting her finger behind her head making little devil’s horns.

Asumi returns from the stall now dressed in her regular clothing again, her limbs are hidden from the daylight again, and we head for the counter to complete our purchase. After which we find ourselves back on the city streets, my wallet a bit lighter but with a new addition to my wardrobe in hand.

“Now I want to check out that store,” Naomi says, pointing to another clothing store that looks almost identical to the one we just exited.

“Another clothing store.” I sigh. “Can’t we visit something else for a change?”

“Well, I did want to stop by the bookstore here,” Asumi says, offering salvation. “It’s a nice one.”

“That would be great. Can we?” I say like a child begging his mother for candy. I was not exactly planning to buy a book and I would have probably said yes to anything that wasn’t a clothing store.

“Well, if the two nerds want to buy books, we can meet up later,” Naomi says.

“I’ll join you too,” Haruhiko says.

Haruhiko does not exactly strike me as the type who would really want to visit a bookstore, and looking at him it seems he just wants to escape the onslaught of clothing stores as well.

“Oh, hell no,” Saki says, pulling him back by his sleeve. “You are still required here.”

After agreeing on a time and place to meet up, Asumi and I head off. Haruhiko is left behind, being dragged by Saki like a prisoner being taken back to his cell. I mentally salute my fallen brother before turning to Asumi.

“So, where is the bookstore?” I ask.

“Not too far, second street on the left,” she says, pointing into the distance.

We walk through the shopping street, passing mostly clothing stores with the occasional electronics or café added in. The street is starting to get quite busy, owing to the fact that it’s the weekend, it’s a contrast to the quiet environment of Yamaku that I was starting to get used to. Though I don’t mind, it reminds me of home.

“I missed being in the city,” I say out loud.

“You’re a real city boy?” Asumi asks.

“Yeah, I lived my whole life in a big city... up until recently,” I say, doing my best to keep a positive tone. “And you?”

“I grew up a bit outside of the city, you know in one of those suburbs where nothing ever happens and you are just a bit too far away from everything,” Asumi says. “My dad lives in the city now, though.”

“You’re parents? Are they...?” I stammer, not entirely sure how to proceed with my question or if I should have even asked. I have heard her mention both her father and her mother before, so I know they’re at least alive, that’s one landmine less to worry about.

Asumi looks at me and just sighs. For a moment I think she is going to let my question hang in the air and I worry that we’ll have to awkwardly continue towards the bookstore, but eventually she answers.

“They’re divorced,” Asumi says. Another silence. Just as I am about to speak up and apologize for even asking, she continues, “Don’t worry, it’s not that big of a deal. And it’s a lot better than the alternative.”

Not a big deal? I try to imagine my parents having a divorce and I think that would be a big deal for me, though all I can do is imagine it of course. And the alternative? Before I can even begin coming up with what that means, Asumi speaks up. “There’s the store!”

♪You’re out of touch♪

♪I’m out of time♪

The performance is endearing to watch. Naomi and Natsume deliver the lines in unison and point their fingers at each other and themselves for emphasis.

♪But I’m outta my head when you’re not around♪

They both twirl their head around. It’s like they practiced this before. The singing isn’t too bad either.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting they drop out of school and pursue a career in it, but it’s much better than the song I performed. It was way too high pitch for me, I shouldn’t have even tried.

As their song and choreography comes to an end, they bow to the four of us sitting on the couch.

I clap along with the rest of them, Haruhiko adding an enthusiastic ‘Wooo!’ to our applause.

I was almost enjoying myself again, almost.

“Your turn Hisao!” Naomi says, letting the microphone hover in front of my nose.

“Don’t you guys still have hearing loss from my last song?”

“It doesn't matter. It’s about having fun!” Naomi shouts, adding to the hearing loss problem. She has a point, but I am not entirely willing to give up resistance just yet.

“I thought you really liked karaoke.” Saki says.

“I don’t even know what song to pick,” I say, still looking at the microphone floating in front of me. “The last ones you picked were all so... girly.”

“Oh, you want a real manly song?” Asumi suddenly says. “We can arrange that.”

She stands up with a determination I haven’t seen with her before, and a grin on her face that I have. It’s a little bit frightening. What is she getting me into?

She makes her way over to the machine to select a song, her face hovering close above the screen in order to read the songs that are available. After a little while, probably made longer by the fact she has trouble reading the screen, she finds her song. A calm guitar starts playing.

“Come on, Hisao.” Asumi motions me to get up and Naomi follows suit.

I sigh and take the microphone from Naomi, who enthousiastically claps as I step up next to Asumi. This is not going to end well.

♪Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend♪

I hesitantly begin singing along with Asumi. I have to read the lyrics of the screen, I haven’t heard this song before, but the tempo is quite slow. So far so good.

♪and so it all… began♪

The guitar picks up and a drum starts beating.

♪Send in your skeletons, sing as their bones come marching in... again. ♪

The lyrics are sung in a deep man’s voice, so I guess I got what I asked for. It beats trying to do a high pitch women’s singing voice.

♪Are you ready? ♪

It’s faster now, but the song isn’t too bad.

♪Spinning infinity, boy. ♪

♪The wheel is spinning me. It’s never-end, never-ending. ♪

I stumble over some of the words, but I manage to keep up with the increased tempo. For now.

♪Same old story♪

And then all hell breaks loose.

♪... I say I’m not like the othe. What if I say I’m not another your plays♪

I miss the first few words, completely caught off guard.

♪You’re the pretender♪

It’s so fast now.

♪What if I say never surrender♪

My god, it’s still not over.

♪What if I say I’m not like the others♪

When do I even breathe?

♪… just another of your plays, you’re the pretender♪

I’m almost out of oxygen but I keep going, struggling over every word.

♪What if I say I will never surrender♪

The chorus ends and the melody slows a bit. I use this opportunity to take a long-awaited breath.

♪In time or so I’m told ♪

I glance over to Asumi and lock eyes with her. She isn’t even looking at the screen, she must know the lyrics by heart. There’s a sparkle in her dashing eyes, she’s super into it.

♪We are not permanent♪

I realize I missed two lines, distracted by Asumi, and focus back on the screen.

♪We’re temporary, temporary ♪

♪Same old story♪

Same old story indeed.

The chorus picks up again, at least this time I know the words.

♪What if I say I’m not like the others♪

I glance over at Asumi again, her head is moving along with the guitar music. It’s contagious.

♪ You’re the pretender♪

♪What if I say I’ll never surrender♪

Somewhere in the second chorus it happens. I stop caring. I stop caring about my singing being awful. I stop caring about looking dumb in front of the others, I stop caring about everything except this song. This song and my co-performer. It’s hard to describe the feeling. It’s almost like a fan being turned off after hours of background noise, you don’t notice the noise until its gone. And the silence feels extraordinary.

♪Yeah, whoo are yooooouuuuuu♪

Asumi and I shout the last line of the song at each other. Then the music stops and all I hear is my breathing and my heart. I am exhausted. The others clap once again.

I shut it out and take a moment to focus on my heartbeat, it’s what I was told to do in situations like this. It seems steady. That would have truly been the most pathetic way to go out.

“Are you okay?” Saki asks me, she stands up and looks at me closely.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answer, “that song just tired me out.” I put on a smile for her.

“You sure?”

I give her my most decisive nod. I appreciate the concern, but really I am okay.

I hand Saki my microphone and plop down back on the couch. I am still in the process of catching my breath and cough once. My physical condition is pathetic.

“So, manly enough?” Asumi sits down next to me.

“Definitely. I was just yelling towards the end... My voice hurts.”

Asumi laughs at this. “Yeah, that song is intense.”

“I didn’t expect you to be into that kind of music.”

“I wouldn’t say I am really into it.” Asumi shrugs.

There she does it again. The moment I try to find out more about her, about her interests and things like that, she closes the book.

“Well, I had fun.” I smile at her.

“Me too.” She returns my smile at me. “But our singing was awful.”

Before I can retort, another song starts up again. I think I recognize it as the opening to some popular tv-show. Saki seems to have roped Haruhiko into singing with her, like how Asumi got me off the couch.

Despite my reluctance at the start and my hurting voice, I am happy they did push me. Maybe I do just need a little push sometimes. Someone to say, ‘Hey just do this. It will be fun’, because I know I won’t do it on my own.

For the rest of the night, I try to hold on to that feeling I felt, that feeling of not caring about anything but singing that song for just a bit longer. That moment of enjoying what you are doing regardless of what happened before or what will happen next. I don’t think I exactly succeeded in the end; the fan slowly started spinning up again. But for a moment I had it.

Another chapter up. It's nice to finally have something to show after I've been writing for half a year on and off on this. Some philosophy in this one, I guess, hopefuly your brain wont suffer as much as Asumi's

Chapter 8; Uncertain in principle

It’s remarkable how quickly certain things go from being unique to being the new norm. The extra wide corridors, the signage in Braille and my fellow students with canes, in wheelchairs or a variety of other indicators of their condition, they no longer are so noticeable. It’s a necessity, the human brain can’t go all day focusing on every single detail around, that would be exhausting. Yet there are some things that never blend in with the rest. For me, those are the AED’s spread around the school.

Every time I enter the cafeteria, the main hall or the library, I notice the bright devices displayed on the walls. Perhaps it’s only a basic survival instinct, I might need them at some point after all. But I think there’s more to it, these devices remind me why I am here, why I need to be here. They’re both an assurance that I am in good hands here and a constant reminder that I need to be in good hands.

The people I have met have quickly become the new normal too. I can confidently say that after our trip to the city, I am part of a six-person friend group, which is larger than I had at my old school. The four of us that are in 3-3 often chat in class, to the dismay of Shizune and Misha, and sometimes Mutou. The lunchbreaks are often the highlight of the day. Thinking back to what we chat about during lunch, it’s never anything too interesting. Still, the surface level conversations are just really enjoyable. I’ve started to really appreciate Naomi’s infectious enthusiasm about almost anything, Natsume’s insanely well-timed additions to the conversations, Haruhiko’s unflappable attitude and even Saki’s teasing, always looking for the right buttons to press.

But while the others all busy themselves with their individual clubs after school, there’s one person who stands out for me. Asumi is as bright in my vision as the AEDs are. But unlike those machines, I am always happy when she’s there in the library, or with the rest of the group when we meet up. But lately there has been a small, but growing, negative feeling attached to it. In the first two weeks here I quickly became good friends with her, by far the best out of anyone in the group, but lately it has been a bit... stagnant.

I still enjoy our two-man reading club. I even managed to convince her to try out the science club, though it took some effort and a plea from Mutou. Her reluctance also adds to the feeling that we haven’t grown any closer the past weeks. Admittedly, that disappoints me. I don’t know exactly why or how it happened, maybe I should-

“Whatcha thinking about Hisao?” Naomi pulls me back to planet Earth.

I blink for a second and realize I was idly staring in the direction of the AED on the cafeteria wall. Huh, I guess that’s what started this train of thought. Now that we’ve reached the terminal station, I shake my head and respond to Naomi. “Nothing really.”

“Hmm. I think it’s impossible to actually think about nothing,” Natsume comments, “unless you’ve secretly been training with Tibetan monks?”

“Natsu!” Saki says. “People usually say that when they don’t want to talk about it.”

I sigh, Saki is right on the money. Even if I would let them in on the thoughts I was just having, this is neither the time nor the place. I look over to Asumi. She seems to still be enthusiastically listening to Haruhiko. Not exactly reassuring.

“Just deep in thought. Nothing interesting,” I say, hoping that will do the trick.

It seems it does, but for the last few minutes of lunch I don’t really end up participating in the conversation. It doesn’t help that I am once again tired, the slightly altered dosages I got from the nurse not being able to solve my insomnia quite yet. Still, I should really try to be a bit more cheerful tomorrow, or they’ll start to wonder why they even hang out with me.

As we’re about to head back to class, someone taps me on the shoulder.

“Hey, Hisao.” It turns out to be Saki, I turn to face her. Her eyes are dead-serious, a rare occurrence. “If there is ever something bothering you, you can talk to us about it, okay? That’s what friends are for.” She smiles at me.

My initial response, as is usual, is to tell her that I’m doing fine. She seems to have anticipated this, as she holds up her hand.

“Look, you can say that you’re fine and if you truly believe that I’m happy,” she says, still staring at me intensely. “Just know the offer is on the table.”

I give her a nod. “Thanks, Saki.” I might not be ready to talk about things now, I don’t think I would be able to, it’s still a bit of a mess in my head right now. Still, it’s good to know there are friends looking out for me.

“Now I don’t want to guess what’s on your mind,” Saki continues but now with her usual tone back on the forefront, “but you already know my opinion on the matter, don’t you?”

“Huh?” That’s all I can manage in response. What is she talking about?

“C... U... T... E...” she spells out.

After an uneventful class, the other students quickly leave. Naomi gives me a curious glance as she exits the classroom while I remain seated until I am left with Mutou.

“Shall we start with the second meeting of the Science Club? Or is it the first? Do you think we should count last Monday as a meeting?” Mutou says.
Monday only consisted of a few questions from Mutou about the book I read and him asking if I could please ask Asumi once more to give the club a try. “We did officially form the club then, but I don’t think we should count it; we weren’t complete,” I reason. “Asumi should be here any minute now.”

“Excellent,” Mutou says with a big smile on his face. “Did Miss Fujiwara agree to join, after all?”

“She wanted to give it a try. She said she’ll decide after today’s meeting.”

“Ah, I see.” Mutou rubs his chin. Maybe Asumi’s indecisiveness is putting some pressure on him to make today’s meeting interesting enough for her. I think he’ll do fine.

We sit around in an awkward silence for a minute or two, until suddenly the classroom door opens and Asumi peeks her head around the door.
“Hi teacher. I brought the book I got from Hisao,” she says as she walks into the classroom and puts the book that started all this on Mutou’s desk. She then quickly takes a seat beside me at the desk where Misha normally sits. This is definitely an upgrade. It should be better for my right ear as well.

Mutou claps his hands and suddenly stands upright. I sometimes forget how tall he is with how slouched over he usually is. “Now that Miss Fujiwara has arrived, we can start the first meeting of the Yamaku Science Club. Let’s start with this book.” He picks up the book from his desk, just in case we didn’t know which one he was talking about. “I briefly discussed it with Hisao already; I am curious if you liked it as well.”

“I did. I expected an impossible to get through book, but it wasn’t too bad.” An ear-to-ear grin appears on Mutou’s face now that he has two students interested. Asumi must have seen this as she quickly moves to temper his expectations. “There were still some parts I didn’t really get though.”

“That is totally understandable. It does go over some very advanced topics,” Mutou says with only a slightly diminished smile. “Any particular topics that you didn’t understand? They could serve as a good starting point for today’s discussion.”

“Well, I didn’t really get the string theory and I still have some questions about things like the uncertainty principle.”

Mutou nods multiple times as Asumi lists the topics. “Let’s talk a bit about the uncertainty principle then. We can come back to the strings if we have time.” Mutou quickly moves to explain the topic, proving unable to resist the temptation to also explain some adjacent topics. In his explanation I actually realize I hadn’t understood the topic as well as I thought. While it’s mostly a reformulated summary of the book we both read, I do think he manages to make things a little clearer.

“But the quantum events, are they really random?” I ask.

“Probabilistic might be a better word. We can calculate the probability of a certain quantum event happening. Whether that is truly random or not depends on your definition of the word.”

I nod at him to mask my confusion. I honestly have no idea what the difference is, I’ll just call it random.

“There are some other interpretations of quantum mechanics out there that give a different explanation. Some argue that there’s just some variable we have not found yet that would explain everything.” He pauses and looks at the both of us before continuing. “While those interpretations could be true, I think they’re just trying to dance around the issue of non-determinism. Is it really that big of a problem if the behavior of particles at the smallest scale is based on probability?”

“Uh. No, I guess it isn’t?” I say. That was a rhetorical question, why did I respond to that?

“If only the very smallest things are, ran-, probabilistic. How does that effect the big world?” Asumi asks.

“Let’s put it this way. If I flip a coin and it lands on heads, I add a grain of sand into a bucket. But if its tails, I remove a grain of sand. Then I flip the coin, let’s say a trillion times. How full sand is the bucket?”

“Uhm. Empty? Or almost empty, at least,” she answers rather quickly.

“Exactly. And one grain of sand more or less is not going to affect an entire planet, so we are still fully capable of predicting their movement. The same applies to everything except the smallest scale.” To show his point, Mutou picks up a pen from his desk and drops it onto the floor. “See? Exactly like I predicted.”

That explanation works, surprisingly. This is more advanced material than we go over in class, yet it feels like Mutou can explain it better. Maybe it’s because he is so passionate about this stuff.

“You had a question... Asumi?” Mutou asks. I look over to my side and catch Asumi quickly putting her hand down again.

“Well... I don’t think it’s really a scientific question. More, philosophical, I guess.”

“Ah, that makes me even more excited to hear the question,” Mutou enthusiastically says. “All philosophy and science are, are ways we try to understand the world around us. Science just has to stop at whatever we can calculate and measure.”

“Okay... How does it affect us? Are there quantum events in our brain or do we just follow the laws of physics? Like the planets do,” Asumi adds.

“Hah. That’s an interesting question.” Mutou chuckles dryly. He leans back against his desk for a moment before starting to formulate an answer to Asumi’s philosophical question. “First of all, the laws of physics apply to us and our brains like it does to any matter. Despite the unpredictability of quantum physics, it is quite possible that the behavior of a human brain could be predicted, in theory. If we had a perfect model of your brain, maybe we could know exactly what you were going to do.” Mutou pauses again. It seems like he is looking for a reaction from us. “Of course, we are not capable of doing that with our current technology. Not even close.”

Even if impossible at the moment, the theoretical opportunity of predicting a person, predicting me, seems scary. Would that simulation act exactly like I would? Would it be me? Is my entire life just the inevitable result of the laws of nature? From the day I was born, the future was already plotted out. That if only we had technology, we would already know I would have a heart attack and end up in this classroom with Mutou and Asumi? Does this mean I’m even capable of thinking or making decisions?

This is giving me a headache.

It seems that while I was going down that rabbit hole, Asumi was on a similar journey herself. “So, we are deterministic? We have no real choice?”
“Those are really two separate questions, I think at least,” Mutou answers. “We might not be deterministic. Quantum mechanics might have a noticeable influence on our brain cells, they’re quite small, after all. The second question, however.” Mutou pauses again as he paces around the classroom. “Regardless of quantum physics, the answer is unfortunately: ‘no’. Even if there are probabilities involved, we can’t influence the odds. So, scientifically speaking, we have no control over our actions.”

“That’s... crazy,” I let out.

Mutou grins widely. “It sure is. It does really feel like we can make choices, right? But that’s the only piece of evidence in favor. Everything else suggests that we have no free will.” Mutou leans against his desk again and rubs his neck. “There are some who think we just haven’t found that piece, call it the soul or whatever, that makes us different from the rest of the universe. You are free to believe that. It is just not very scientific.”
I look to my right; Asumi has the same look on her face as I must have. The look like we just got told the world is ending but are still expected to do our homework.

“I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over this,” Mutou says after seeing our little exchange. “It still very much feels like we are in control and that’s what matters in the end.”

“I guess, yeah,” Asumi responds.

“Very good question though. You have a knack for this, Miss Fujiwara. What was the other topic you had questions about? String-theory, wasn’t it?”

After an explanation on strings, that luckily doesn’t veer into the philosophical or existential, the first meeting of the science club is wrapped up. Mutou enthusiastically lists some ideas for the next topics to talk about or things to do. I guess it’s a good thing that we won’t be discussing quantum physics in every club meeting. After agreeing to meet next week, Asumi and I find ourselves outside the classroom.

“I think Mutou was too shy to ask, but did you like it?” I ask once we are far enough away from the door that I know he won’t hear me.

“Honestly if it’s going to be like that every week, I don’t think I would want to join. I still really don’t understand the string-theory at all. But some of the other topics he mentioned at the end sounded interesting enough.” She smiles at me as we make our way downstairs. “Robotics and making explosives in the lab!”

“I’m pretty sure that last one was a joke, it’s hard to tell sometimes with him.”

“I knew that!” She giggles. “I just hope we won’t talk about determinism and stuff again; my head still hurts from that.” Asumi rubs her temples to amplify the point.

“Yeah, that was... I still don’t really know what to think of all that.”

“Everything just happens to us and there’s nothing we can do. Great.”

“Sometimes it feels like that huh?”

Lately especially. Having a heart attack is one thing. Then I got exiled from my old life and shipped to Yamaku. But it’s not like I felt much more in control ever since I got here. Meeting new people, making friends, none of it really felt like an active decision on my part. Not that that is entirely a bad thing.

And then there’s the girl walking through the hallways with me right now. It wasn’t really an active decision to spend the festival with her. I bumped into her and Naomi and we went from there. From there we accidentally stumbled into this friendship over our shared interest in books and our now shared group of friends. I greatly appreciate it; I could have stayed the lonely transfer student for a lot longer otherwise. But is this the final destination? As close as we can get.

I look at Asumi and realize we’ve both been subconsciously walking towards the library in silence. Maybe there is something in me that is starting to like her as more than a friend. It’s weird, I can’t quite tell. Whenever I come closer to answering if I like her, I am more unsure if it’s even a good idea in the first place. It’s not so bad to just be friends like this, but is there nothing I can do to bridge that gap between us?

Well... there’s something. I could recklessly charge in and see what happens.

Even if that was a good idea, and I don’t think it is, I wouldn’t do it.

I need some more certainty. I’m in the science club now and a real scientist wouldn’t just make wild assumptions, they would first make observations to test their theory.

“Hey, I think I’m going to go back to my room and do homework,” I say just as we enter the hallway containing the library. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Oh, eh... Sure.” She adjusts her round glasses while looking at me. “See you tomorrow then.”

With a quick wave I retrace my steps down the hallway. I think I know where my object to be observed is located. The only problem is that she might tease me until the heat death of the universe, depending on how this goes.

Well, at least the outcome is already determined. Might as well go and do something.

Any minute now.

The art club should have finished five minutes ago, if I remembered correctly. Yet the door remains closed.

Saki did say today that I could talk to her about things that were on my mind. I’m really not sure if this is a good idea. I could still turn around, go back to my room and actually work on my homework like I said. But I feel like I should do something about it and not take the easy way out this time.

My own feelings are still unclear, but I do think it explains my frustration at not being able to get closer to her. From everyone in the group I am probably still closest with her, but romantically?

We did really connect on a few occasions, like when she found me in the library after Naomi’s seizure or that sparkle in her eye when we performed that song together. But there are those other times that give me this doubt. Those times when I make a tiny step to get closer to her, but she keeps at a cold distance.

Then again, she is smart and funny at times. She’s also quite pretty, in a unique sort of way. And while my own feelings are definitely still unclear, I have absolutely no idea how she feels about me. I don’t want to act too hastily and put our friendship on the line, that would not be worth it.

Then the door opens. A bunch of students exit, most of which I don’t recognize, some are carrying a piece of art under their arms, probably to finish it in their own time. I lock eyes with Rin and briefly worry she is going to ask me what I am doing here. She just shrugs and continues. I guess I am not interesting enough for her.

Saki is among the last to leave the classroom, I wave at her.

“Hey Hisao, what are you doing here?” she asks me.

“I wanted to ask you something real quick.” I look around at the hall still filled with students. “Somewhere a bit more private, preferably.”

“Sure, I have time.” She moves back towards the door of the art room, from where presumably their teacher just exited. “Mr. Nomiya, do you mind if we use the classroom for a minute longer?”

The man with his graying hair is dressed... eccentrically. I am especially distracted by his yellow tie with red shapes on it. All in all, he looks like he would be the art teacher.

“Not at all, not at all. Just remember to switch off the lights when you’re done,” he answers Saki, then he turns to me. “Ah and this must be that boy that was interested in joining the art club. My name is Shinichi Nomiya, I am the art teacher here at Yamaku.”

“Uhm, Hisao Nakai. Nice to meet you,” I stammer out in response. Did I walk into a trap? Was this all a long setup to get me into the art club? Is Saki playing on a level that Shizune can only dream of?

“No, that’s someone else. I’ll bring him along next week,” Saki says, taking away both my confusion and fear. Though it does raise the question who Saki is taking to the art club.

“Oh well, another time then,” Nomiya says, much less interested in meeting me now that I won’t be one of his next art protegees. He quickly takes his leave, after which Saki and I enter the art room.

“So, what did you want to ask me?” Saki says as she plops down on one of the stools, letting her cane rest against it.

I take a seat across from her and take a deep breath as I formulate my answer.

“Like you said after lunch, I think I do want to talk to you about.” I sigh. Here we go. “About Asumi, and me, I guess.”

She nods at me in response, she does not look the slightest bit surprised that I am here for this reason.

“Also, I would prefer if you could keep this conversation private,” I ask. I really don’t want to end up in the rumor mill.

“I will, trust me,” she responds immediately. “Maybe I like to gossip a bit, but if someone asks me to keep a secret, I keep a secret.”

I nod at her; I think I trust her enough. Still, that does not make it much easier to actually say what I came here for to say. I try one more time to formulate in my head what I came here to talk about.

“Do you know why I tease you with Asumi so often?” she says, interrupting my attempt.

That’s an easy question. “Because you take great enjoyment out of my pain.”

She laughs at this. “Well, yes obviously that is one of the main reasons.” She turns more serious again. “I honestly do think you two are cute together.” She rubs her nose for a moment, then she shrugs and continues. “But being too cute has its drawbacks too.”

“What does that mean?”

“What I mean is, even if you two really liked each other, I don’t see either of you doing anything about it.” She grins at me, almost taunting me. “That is, if you two like each other, hypothetically.”

I look back at Saki, I know what she wants me to say. She just wants me to stop dancing around the subject. I kind of knew I wasn’t going to be able to avoid saying these words out loud when I came here, “I think I do like her, at least a little.” I rub the back of my head, I’m not doing a very good job of putting my feelings into words. “You know, romantically?”

She just smiles and nods; I really would have preferred it if she was totally shocked at this revelation.

“It’s just that...” I sigh, looking at the floor, which is covered with dried up blobs of paint in all kinds of colors. “I have no idea how she feels about me.”

“Ah, and you thought I could fill you in on that?” She catches on quite quickly.

“Yeah, I guess that’s why I am here.” I try to put up a smile for her, “I could have asked Naomi too, but then I might as well publish my confession in the next edition of the newspaper.”

“Hahahaha, good thinking Hisao,” Saki laughs, but she quickly turns more serious again. “But I am going to have to disappoint you. I don’t really know if she likes you back.”

I am indeed disappointed. I figured if anyone would know, it would be Saki. Asumi did mention they were best friends after all.

“Not for lack of trying mind you,” Saki continues. “That girl just does not want to talk about things like that.”

“Like, relationships?”

“Yes, those type of things,” Saki responds, wiggling her cane between her knees. “Seriously, whenever I try to ask, she just locks up like a trained KGB-agent protecting state secrets.”

Oh god, what if Kenji was right all along? The thought that Asumi is actually a highly trained foreign spy pops into my mind, but a more pressing issue is that I really did not get anywhere with this conversation.

“For what it’s worth though.” Saki playfully pokes me in the shoulder. “I do think she would say yes if you asked her out on a date.”

Ah! A strand of hope, though it’s not the confirmation that I came here looking for. “Hmm, okay. I just hoped you could give me some more certainty.”

“Hisao! If you are always going to wait until you are a hundred percent certain, you will just end up doing nothing,” she says, her amber eyes now looking straight at me. She seems almost... angry? “And life is too short to just do nothing.”

“Okay, okay.” I hold up my hands in defeat, “I’ll ask her out on a date. Soon.”

I don’t know how or when or what, but I do want to do it. Saki is right, life is too short.

I have had my reminder.

“Thanks for the advice,” I say, the anger I thought I saw in her eyes is no longer there. It’s instead replaced with some level of understanding. Saki does to live by the moto of ‘life is too short to care’, a result of her condition perhaps?

“No problem,” Saki says, taking me out of my contemplation. She takes her cane back in her hand and uses it to push herself off the stool. “Pick something nice for you and Asumi to do, nothing to fancy but nice. She’d like that.”

“Uhhh... I’ll try to think of something.”

“Good luck!” Saki says as she heads out of the art room.

“I’ll need it,” I mumble as I follow her out the door.

Click. Saki flicks off the lights in the art room.

Hisao gets a crash course in control theory.

Chapter 9; Feedback and Forwards

“I just wished I sat on your side of the classroom. It would be a lot more fun to work with you guys,” I say. Naomi, Natsume and Haruhiko nod in unison.

“Are you still being hounded by team loud and quiet?” Haruhiko asks.

“It’s settled down a bit now that they know I’m in the science club,” I say. “Though it can be draining to work with them on class projects. Sometimes with the beret guy as well, I don’t really like him.”

“Hahaha. The beret guy!” Naomi loudly repeats while laughing. I just hope he isn’t in the cafeteria too, otherwise he must have heard it. “His name is Maeda, and he can be an ass, so I get it.”

“He’s in the art club with me,” Saki says. “He thinks the beret gives him some extra artistic powers or something.”

Haruhiko laughs. “Helmet: plus ten art points. Like in a video game.” He looks around the cafeteria table and shrugs when the others don’t seem to find his comment funny at all. “Anyways, I’ve never seen anyone else wear one of those, it looks ridiculous.”

“There’s this guy on tv who wears one,” Asumi says. “He looks a bit like a walrus.”

“A walrus-man with a beret? What kind of shows are you watching?” I ask.

“Euh... I don’t watch it that often but it’s very scientific, they test all sorts of things!” Asumi blushes as she scrambles to explain herself. “You’d probably like it.”

Saki claps her hands. “It’s a date then!” I answer her smug look with an annoyed glare. Yes. I know, Saki. I’m still supposed to ask Asumi out on a date. I’ll get to it eventually... “What? Asumi has a big television in her room. She’d probably enjoy cuddling up and watching some nerdy shows with you instead of sitting through another romantic movie with me.”

“Saki!” Asumi yells. “Please stop or... or you can’t use my tv for those dumb movies anymore.”

“Oh nooo, what a threat. It’s your loss girl, those movies can teach you skills you desperately need.”

“Anyways!” I say loudly to take control of the conversation again. “Before the beret conversation sidetracked us, I wanted to say that we should do some class projects together. If it’s ever possible to move the tables across the entire classroom.”

“Sure. Though most teachers don’t appreciate that,” Natsume says.

“Oh before I forget. Asumi and Hisao. Are you having that science club thingy again today?” Naomi asks.

“Yes... after classes. Why do you ask?” I say.

“Because the school has a new club, and I would be a horrible journalist if I didn’t get an interview with its founding members.”

“I guess I can answer a few questions, if it doesn’t distract too much from what we’re supposed to do today.”

“What are you going to do today then?” Naomi asks.

“Eh. Mutou set us up with some simple robotics to work on. Me and Asumi assembled it last time and tried to get it to move.” Naomi nods enthusiastically, which is suspicious because she really doesn’t care for science, nor does she do well in the class. “Wait... has the interview started already?”

“Yep!” she says as she produces a small notepad from her bag. I guess we’re doing this in the middle of lunch.

Over the next ten minutes Naomi asks me a bunch of questions on how the science club came to be and what we do. She asks Asumi a few questions too, most of which are exactly the same and therefore get her almost the exact same answer once again.

“I tried the robots last time with Hisao. It’s interesting but I don’t think it’s for me so I’m going to do something with cells today,” Asumi says.

“Ah interesting.” Naomi nods and scribbles something down again. “Do you think the biological side of science is better suited to you? Maybe for a career path?”

It’s interesting to see how Naomi transformed into a hardened journalist, firing follow up questions constantly.

“I, eh, maybe?” Asumi blushes. She was able to quite quickly answer Naomi’s other questions, but this one seems to be giving her some trouble. “I guess I like the biology side, but the more physicsy side can be fun too... Is that answer good enough?”

“I’ll make it work, don’t worry, Asumi,” Naomi says without taking her eyes off the notepad.

It looks like the surprise interview is over, as the lunchbell rings out. Naomi scribbles down some final notes and closes her notepad. The others that weren’t involved in the interview already are already making their way back to class. We quickly follow them.

“Thank you! Both of you!” Naomi says, now no longer the seasoned journalist but back into enthusiastic-school-girl-mode. “Maybe I can ask Mutou some questions too and then I’ll have a great article for the next edition.”

“He’ll probably help you if he thinks it might get him more members,” I say.

“Oooh. I’ll be sure to come at it from that angle then!” Naomi smiles brightly. “You definitely are smarter than you look.”

“Thanks! Wait... is that a compliment?”

“No! It’s not,” Asumi quickly says. “She basically said you look stupid.”

“Noooo! I didn’t mean it like that.” Naomi gives me a playful shove while giggling. “But thanks again for the questions, Hisao. I’ll stop by the science club later to interview Mutou.”

“Okay. See you then,” Asumi says.

“You’re really putting a lot of effort into this,” I say.

“Yep!” Naomi says, smiling brightly at me with her maroon eyes. “I really, really, want to get into a good university to study journalism. Having a nice portfolio of articles really helps with that.”

“Well, then I’m glad I was able to help a little bit with that,” I say as Naomi starts hopping up the stairs like an enthusiastic bunny. “I’m sure you’ll get into the university you want.”

“Thank you!”

“See you at the science club, Hisao,” Asumi says as we pass her classroom.

As I wave to Asumi leaving to her classroom, my phone vibrates. I let Naomi enter our classroom before me so I can quickly read it. It’s from Saki.

“i gave u the perfect setup at lunch. ask her on a date already! i know she is free this weekend if u dont ask her by then i will beat u with my cane ;)”

The little winky-face does make that sound like a joke instead of a threat, but I still don’t trust it. Additionally, Saki writing ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ must leave her with seas of free time... to bully me.

But did Saki really think I would ask Asumi on a date in the middle of lunch, with everyone around the table. There just hasn’t been the opportunity for it yet. Last week it was busy in the library every time I met her there. Or we were talking about books and I just couldn’t find a way to interrupt the conversation and ask.

I sigh as I take my seat, Misha and Shizune aren’t here today – probably some highly important student council business - so I can get away with sighing loudly. I know I’m making excuses. Despite Saki’s assurances last week, I’m still not convinced Asumi really sees me as more than a friend. I don’t really have reasons to believe she doesn’t, but that’s because I really don’t have anything to go by. Maybe I’m just really bad at picking up the signs, I’ve been there before. I really didn’t see that note from Iwanako coming either...

I’ll try to pay some more attention.

A loud clang echoes through the lab as the small robot collides with another object it really should have avoided.

“Ugh. What’s the problem now?” I mutter under my breath.

“Did you read the sensor data yet?” Mutou asks, making his way back to my table again.

“Uhm. No, not yet.”

“Well, how are you supposed to know what the problem is then? You need to measure, interpret the data and readjust your course. That’s how the robot works, that’s how you work and that’s how science works.”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I usually do appreciate Mutou’s rhetoric about the essence of science, but does he really have to fit it into everything he says?

“Look at the sensor data first,” Mutou says as he peeks over my shoulder at the test setup. “And maybe you could try a smoother velocity-profile. Are you using a block-form acceleration?”

“Uhm... Yes, I am.”

“Hmm that could be the problem,” Mutou mumbles. It’s clear he doesn’t really know the problem either. “Maybe try some jerk?”

“Sorry, what?” I blink my eyes. Did he just call me a jerk?

“Jerk. The time derivative of acceleration. You could try tuning that, it might help a little bit.”

“Oh. Okay, I’ll try.”

Mutou leaves my side and I start fiddling with the parameters again, implementing Mutou’s suggestions.

“Teacher! Hello!” An enthusiastic voice can be heard coming from the door.

“Ah. Miss Inoue.” Mutou says with surprise in his voice. “What brings you to the laboratory?”

“I was looking for you teacher. I’m writing an article on the science club for the newspaper, and I was wondering if you would have time for a short interview.” Naomi quickly glances at me with a bright smile before turning back to Mutou. “It might help draw some attention to the new club!”

“Hmm.” Mutou deliberates this for a short moment. “Sure, I can spare a few minutes. Let’s move to my classroom though. I don’t want to distract Mr. Nakai, he’s more than capable of that himself already.”

This draws a laugh from Naomi. “Thank you!”

“Nakai, Fujiwara. You’ll manage without me? I will be back shortly,” Mutou says as he follows Naomi out of the door.

“No problem!” Asumi shouts from the back of the lab.

I turn back to the computer screen, making sure once more that the robot’s sensors are working as intended. Then I try once more. This time the robot does move more smoothly and manages to weave its way past the first object. Then it approaches Mutou's coffee mug serving as the second object, when the robot suddenly stutters and comes to a standstill against the cup.

I hang my head in defeat. It collided less violently than last time, so I guess that’s progress. But I’m beginning to doubt if this really is for me, maybe I should be doing something else. With Mutou’s words echoing in my head, I check the data that the sensors collected. The lines moving wildly on the screen don’t really give me any indication of what I’m doing wrong. I need a break...

With a sigh, I stand up and make my way over to Asumi. She’s all the way at the back end of the lab, currently looking through a microscope. The long lab coat she’s wearing is making her look like a doctor. The clean white fabric manages to make Asumi look less pale in comparison. She also has her hair done up in a ponytail. I guess it would get in the way otherwise, but I must admit I like it better when her hair is flowing freely.

“Hey,” I calmly say, trying not to startle her. “I’m getting sick of my robot. How’s it going here?”

She stops staring through the microscope and faces me. “Pretty good. The robot isn’t cooperating again?”

“I think it’s still the same issue from when we worked on it together. I don’t think this is for me, I’m pretty close to giving up as well.”

“I didn’t give up! I’m, eh, just broadening my interests.” Asumi looks away, blushing. I didn’t mean to tease her or anything, but it does look cute. “Do you want to see what I’m working on? They’re white blood-cells.”

“Sure!” At Asumi’s instruction I look through the microscope. I can’t see anything except a blurry light-gray color. “I don’t see anything, maybe it’s not in focus?”

“I can fix that!” Asumi says. I suddenly feel her arm make its way between my chest and the microscope. I stop looking through the looking glass and see that she’s fiddling with a wheel on the side of the device. “Keep looking and tell me when the image is sharp!”

I look through the microscope again, trying to ignore Asumi’s warm arm rubbing against my chest. Slowly but surely some round-ish shapes are becoming visible. “Stop!” I say when I can clearly make out the shapes of the cells.

I can feel Asumi retract her arm again. “Do you see any pink ones? Those are the white blood-cells.”

I attentively peer at the blobs, but they all seem grey to me. “No. I don’t see any.”

Again, I feel an arm move past me, this time to my right side. Then suddenly the view starts changing. Grey blobs whir past my eyes until the movement stops again. “Oh. Now I see them! There are 6 pink ones.”

“Nice. You can see they’re like two or three times larger than the red blood-cells.”

“Ah. Is that what the grey ones are.” Despite just looking at blobs, it’s surprisingly interesting to see them, knowing these are what make up my blood. “Why are they called white blood-cells if they’re pink?”

I hear Asumi giggle beside me. “I added a dye to make them easier to see, they’re not actually pink. They’re also not white either. More like a grey-ish see-through color.”

“Interesting. What are you trying to do with them?”

“Uhm... There are different types of white blood-cells and I’m trying to identify them. Let me for a second.” I step aside and Asumi peers through the microscope and fiddles with some of the knobs and wheels for a minute. “Okay, you can look again.” I do so and the view has changed again. “On the top right there’s a neutrophil, it’s the one that has three lobes in it.” I look at the top right and there indeed looks to be a pink circle with three purple blobs inside of it. “A bit to the left of it is a lymphocyte. It’s a lot smaller and only has one big lobe. There are more types but they’re a lot harder to find.”

“That’s interesting. And they do different things?”

Apparently they do as Asumi gives a quick summary of the cell’s different functions, including some of the ones she’s still looking for. I never really was the most enthusiastic about biology, preferring physics and chemistry, but when Asumi explains it, I listen attentively. The large smile on her face as she explains how one type of cell targets viruses, it’s contagious, ironically.

“Well. I hope you find the basophil then. Good luck.”

“Oh. You’re going back to the robot?” She meets my eyes. She actually looks a bit... disappointed?

“I wanted to try a few more things to see if I can get it to work. But if you find a cell you haven’t seen yet, call me over!”

“I will, for sure!” she says with a beaming smile that warms my heart.

I turn and start walking back towards the front of the lab. My robot still sits with its front against the mug, a reminder of my failure. More importantly, Mutou still isn’t here. Noami must really be interrogating him.

With a hesitant step, I turn back around towards Asumi. She did seem genuinely happy with me showing interest in her research just now. Does that mean anything? Probably not. Saki’s threat spooks through my thoughts too. I should just go for it now, no more excuses. Do like my robot and run head-first into a wall and check what went wrong afterwards.

“Hey, Asumi,” I begin. My heartbeat already has picked up significantly. “You’re here this weekend, right? At Yamaku.”

“Yes. I visited my mom last weekend.”

“Okay.” I rub the back of my head. “Do you want to go for dinner at the Shanghai then? You missed out on that during the festival.”

She nods. “That would be fun. I didn’t have plans anyways.”

I inhale through my nose. A deep breath to steady my heart and to prepare myself to specify one small detail. “I, eh, didn’t mean with the entire group. Just us two.”

She thinks for a second that feels much longer. “Okay.” Her smile opens a valve in me and my breath comes rushing out. I didn’t even notice I was holding it. “I’m looking forward to it!”

“Great! I’ll see you Sunday evening then,” I say.

“I’m back.” The voice behind me suddenly startles me as I was still awkwardly standing next to Asumi. I hurriedly make my way back towards my own workplace as Mutou enters the laboratory again. “I already knew that girl could talk a lot, but it still took longer than expected,” he says as he sits back down at his desk.

Mutou gives me a curious look, probably because my cheeks are still red all over, but he doesn’t say anything. I sit down at the table again and try to relax a little, feigning that I’m looking at the computer screen again.

She said ‘yes’. We’re going on a date this weekend! I chuckle. I worked myself up so hard about this. It took me a week and the threat of being caned, but I did it. She just said ‘okay’, a bit anti-climactic after how worried I was, but it’s a big relief.

The rest of the hour is spent with me half-heartedly trying to get my robot to function. I’m not really paying too much attention, which results in more collisions. But I don’t really care.

You said it in a previous chapter but I do like the vibe of a stray cat wandering in and being accepted, also the shared interest in science is cute

savagetuskan wrote: ↑Wed Aug 14, 2024 2:03 pm

You said it in a previous chapter but I do like the vibe of a stray cat wandering in and being accepted, also the shared interest in science is cute

Glad you're enjoying it! Actually means a lot to me. I never really wrote this with the intention of many people seeing or enjoying it, but I'm happy I put it out there

Chapter 10; Interiors

In hindsight, I could have probably come up with a better idea than dinner at the Shanghai. The whole ‘making up for missing out after the festival’ was mainly an excuse because I was too scared to outright ask her on a date. A nicer restaurant in the city could have been better, or a movie or something. Maybe for next time. If there is one.

No point in reminiscing on that now though, as the two of us are walking down the hill towards the town below. I decided to wear my new shirt, the one I bought when we were in the city. It appeared to be a good decision as Asumi recognized it and even complimented me on it. Not a major compliment but it still felt nice. I don’t get complimented on my clothing that much. Maybe there’s a correlation with the sweater vests but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. Asumi is wearing a simple black shirt with long sleeves and her hat and shades again, the afternoon sun still being too bright for her.

“Have you been to the Shanghai often?” I ask her. I just hope she actually likes the place.

“Couple of times, yes. It’s really the only option for dinner if you don’t want to take the bus into the city,” she says. “I like it, though.”

“Me too. Maybe a bit too traditional for my taste.”

“Hmmm, I don’t mind that. I’ve been to more modern places and they feel... cold?” she says. “The Shanghai has a cozy feel to it. Probably because of the wooden interior?”

“Ah, okay,” I awkwardly say. I am no expert on interior design, and I don’t think I should pretend to be one to impress Asumi. I take a moment to just focus on my breathing. I’m feeling so unusually tense. It’s just a conversation with Asumi, I’ve had plenty of those before, but it feels like everything I say matters twice as much now. I just don’t want to mess things up before we’ve even made it to the teahouse.

With some insignificant, but still pleasant, small talk we continue down the road and make it to the Shanghai. Inside, we are greeted by Yuuko in her usual tense manner.

“Welcome to the Shanghai. Table for two, right?” She exaggeratedly bows in greeting.

“Uhm, yes,” I say.

I had asked Yuuko if it was possible to make a reservation, but she assured me it was not necessary. I just wanted to prevent ruining the date with the place being booked. Looking around, I see I did not need to worry; it looks like only two other tables are occupied.

Yuuko shows us our table. Asumi takes this moment to remove her hat and sunglasses, setting them down beside her and takes out her regular glasses. For the first time today, I find myself looking into her eyes. I allow myself to finally relax a little bit and I smile at her, just happy to be here. And to have avoided Saki’s wrath.

Yuuko quickly returns, ready to take our orders.

“I’ll have a coffee.”

“Orange juice for me, please,” Asumi says.

I give a nod of appreciation to Yuuko, expecting her to leave our table. Instead, she just stands there fidgeting with her pen.

“Uhm, you wanted to order dinner too?” she asks.

“Oh yes, I just don’t know what I want yet,” I respond, quickly looking down to scan the menu. When I look up again, I realize I should not have said that; my words seemingly have broken Yuuko.

“Oh sorry, sorry. I really shouldn’t put pressure on customers. I can be back in a minute. I will leave you some more time to decide. Sorry!” She wildly bows down with the last apology.

“It’s okay, Yuuko. Really, don’t worry.”

“For me the fried shrimp with rice,” Asumi says completely ignoring Yuuko’s breakdown.

“That sounds good! For me too please,” I say, grasping the opportunity she provided me.

“Uhh okay,” Yuuko stammers. “Are you sure? I can come back later if you want to have some more time to-“

“I am sure. Fried shrimp... Please.” It’s more a plea for her to stop panicking than out of politeness, but it seems to do the trick.

Yuuko does another overly deep bow and leaves towards the back to prepare our order.

Asumi watches Yuuko leave over her shoulder and then turns to me. “She is not very good at her job, is she? This job at least.”

“Yeah, not really. She seems much more at ease at the library.”

“That makes two then.” She winks.

“You mean me? You’re one to talk.”

“I do other things than reading in the library.”

I stare at her. I’ve heard this one before, but this time I want some concrete evidence.

“I watch movies, sometimes.” Asumi pauses, probably realizing that doesn’t make her look much better when it comes to interesting hobbies. “We went shopping! And... Natsume asked me along on a walk the other day.”

“That’s just one time!”

“Well, I might do it again,” she defends herself. “Natsume does it often. She needs the exercise.”

I might need some too, now that I think of it. I gave up on my morning runs quite quickly and the nurse keeps bugging me to find something else to do. Maybe some light walking could do me good.

“But that’s not the point,” she continues. “I don’t see you having other hobbies either.”

I should have expected this, I don't really know what to say. Luckily, Yuuko returns with our drinks, giving me some more time to think about my answer. I politely thank Yuuko as she carefuly places the hot coffee in front of me. I don’t risk making more conversation with her though. I pick up my coffee in an attempt to buy more time, almost sipping from it. Luckily I realise in time that it's extremely hot.

"So, your hobbies?" Asumi asks after Yuuko has left again.

“Well... uh apart from reading. I like playing games in the arcade, and uh... I used to play a lot of football.”

Asumi raises an eyebrow at my use of past tense but does not comment on it further. Maybe a part of me even wants her to press the issue, just to get it over with. There have been plenty of opportunities to explain my situation here at Yamaku, but it never seems right. Next time.

“There’s nothing wrong with reading being your main hobby,” Asumi says. “I mean it would be very hypocritical for me to think that. But some people say it’s boring. Saki even forbade me from talking about books with you today, she said we should talk about actually interesting things instead.”

“I don’t think you’re boring, for one. And I don’t care what Saki says, if we want to talk about books, we can talk about books.”

Asumi laughs. “Still, we should try some different topics... Uhm. You really like coffee?”

“That’s the best you could come up with?” I blow on the coffee and take a small sip, it's still hot but at least it doesn't burn my tongue. “Actually, I think it's more than like. I almost need coffee or I'll feel tired." A side effect of my medication, though the caffeine helps a little it isn't enough to make me feel fully awake.

"That sounds like an addiction, Hisao," Asumi says, not exactly like she's judging me but fairly close.

"Maybe."I shrug. "I could probably quit. There are worse things to be addicted to though."

"That's true," Asumi says. "Though you should also make sure you drink something healty every now and then." She taps her glass of orange juice as she says this.

"Actually, I read somewhere that fruit juice isn't all that healthy."

Asumi raises an eyebrow. "How is that even possible? It's just mashed fruit, fruit is healthy."

"Uhm, I don't remember it exactly but it had something to do with it being a lot of mashed fruit so there's a lot of sugar."

"But those are natural sugars right, you need those?"

"Actually, chemically speaking it's exactly the same sugar that is in candy," I say.

"Hmmm," Asumi thinks for a moment as her eyes dash back and forth. "Maybe you're actually right. But I still like fruit juice so I'm not going to stop drinking it."

"Of course not, you should drink what you like to drink. But that also means you can't judge me for drinking coffee anymore."

"Deal," Asumi says, sticking her hand out across the table. It takes me a moment to realize the classical western symbol of making a deal, but eventually I awkwardly take her hand and give it a shake.

I smile at her for a moment, awkwardly sitting in silence as I try to think of a different topic to talk about. After a minute of not being able to think of anything, Yuuko thankfully shows up with our food. That was faster than I expected, is that a bad sign? The food certainly looks and smells good. After thanking Yuuko I take a quick bite to confirm it. Thankfully my rash decision to copy Asumi goes unpunished.

"How do you like the fried shrimp? I always order that one," Asumi says.

I take another bite of the food, chewing on it slowly while making contemplative sounds. “Well, my final verdict is,” I say quietly so Yuuko wont hear me, “it’s awful. Nobody in their right mind would order this.”

Asumi’s eyes grow wide, almost meeting the border of her round glasses. But they quickly narrow again. “You’re lying, Hisao.”

I chuckle. “It’s actually really delicious, better than what I had last time I was here. I shouldn’t have overdone it so much, then you would’ve fallen for it.”

She shakes her head, giggling. “You’re just a terrible actor.”

“Nooo. You’re kidding? I was thinking of going to acting school and making a career out of it.”

“Good luck! And just so you know, I’ll still be friends with you even if you’re homeless.”

“Thank you. That’s really reassuring.”

She smiles as she takes another bite of her food. I follow suit, the shrimp and rice quickly disappearing between short interactions with Asumi.

Once we finished our food, we stayed for just a little while longer. Asumi told me some stories from before I came to Yamaku, mostly involving Naomi getting herself in trouble. In turn I told some anecdotes from my friends back at my old school. We briefly had a stand-off over who would pay for dinner. I felt it was my job to pay for the entire date, but Asumi wanted to contribute too. I managed to haggle it to a 60-40 split, leaving my masculinity intact enough.

The date was definitely fun, the food was great and we had some enjoyable conversations. I’m not complaining, but it didn’t really feel all too different from hanging out with Asumi on other occasions. I’m still very glad we went though.

Now we are retracing the steps we took this evening, heading through the darkened street back up towards Yamaku, the school’s lighting being visible like a beacon on the top of the hill. It is quite a beautiful sight.

“I’m slowly starting to like this place,” I say, not only referring to my surroundings, “though I still feel like the odd one out at times.”

“Yeah... Me too,” Asumi responds, also staring in the direction of the school.

I look at Asumi, trying to gauge what she means with that comment. She has been here for more than two years already. Furthermore, she seems to fit right in at Yamaku.

Asumi sighs. One of those long sighs that says ‘why did I open my mouth, now I have to explain it.’ “I could have probably gone to a normal school,” she stops walking at my pace, I turn around and look at her. “Even with my shitty eyesight. This was my dad’s idea.”

“I... I didn’t know. You seem to fit in here just fine,” I say. I don’t know how to deal with this turn of events.

“I don’t,” she responds sharply. “Naomi has her seizures, you know… Natsume's joints hurt, constantly. Saki...” She sniffs, her eyes looking down at the dark asphalted road. “The control of her body will only get worse and worse until there is nothing left! And you, you, well I don't know about you, but it must have been serious to land you here in the middle of the year.” Asumi's voice takes a bitter turn, it hurts. “I just can't stay in the sun too long.”

I open my mouth to speak but close it again only a moment later. I could disagree. I could say that it doesn’t matter. What would that accomplish?
When words are completely inadequate, I respond in the only way I can think of and embrace her.

My arms wrap around her middle and I feel her tense up. A moment later though, she reciprocates my hug. We stand there for a good minute in our awkward hug, not that close but closer at least. It feels good. I know it can't last forever, but I want it to last just a little longer.

I look down at her, she is closer to me than she has ever been. Her pale skin and hair contrast beautifully with the darkening road up to the school, as if all the light in the world had been sucked away and put into this one girl. But despite the light, there is darkness too.

I hear my heart beat in my ears and I stiffen up for a moment. With how Asumi is positioned, she probably hears it too.

That’s when I know what needs to be said. It needed to be said a long time ago. It is time. Now.

I take a deep breath.

“My heart. I have a heart condition. Arrhythmia.” The word leaving my lips feels as dirty as the first time I heard it. I tighten my grip on Asumi, pulling her a little closer. Now more for myself than for her sake. “I had a heart attack, it was... bad. I spent months in the hospital before coming here.”

“There even is another albino girl at Yamaku,” her voice still as bitter as before, “but she also has a heart condition on top.”

“Asumi honestly, I don't give a damn,” I nearly shout. I just want her to stop talking. “Just listen to me. I didn’t want to come here. I didn’t want to accept that I needed to come here, with the special care and the hospital on standby.” I inhale again, as I begin to articulate what I really wanted to get across. “But I am glad I came here. I was lost before I came here. Naomi, Natsume and Saki, even Haruhiko, their company helped me. But you in particular, I am happy I met you. It wasn't my decision to go to Yamaku, but if I had to choose again I wouldn't have to think about it. Not a second.” I say as I put a hand on Asumi's shoulder, squeezing it. “Thank you for that.”

“But I haven't done anything! I wanted to help you but...” Asumi tightens her grip on me as she speaks into my chest. “I couldn't do anything. What could I even say? How could I ever understand?”

I gently stroke her beautiful white hair, thinking. Thinking about all the words that Asumi is spilling out. I don’t think I understand her any more than she understands me, but maybe that’s okay.

“You don’t need to do anything, Asumi. Getting used to my condition is my job.” The hand stroking her hair moves back to her shoulder. “You being here is enough.”

“I haven't been a good friend for a long time,” she is barely audible now.

She said a lot of things just now, a lot of things that I don’t know about. A lot of things about her that I don’t know. But at least I know that what she just said is nonsense.

"You’re wrong,” I exclaim. “Just being around you, reading in the library. It made me feel...” I sigh, I don’t know if I really should say this out loud. But it’s the truth. “...It made me feel normal again and I really needed that. It really helped me, you really helped me, even if you don't believe it. I am sure our other friends feel the same way.”

Asumi sniffs one more time. “I’m not sure if I do, but thanks.”

“My only regret is that I didn’t tell you this sooner.” We slowly move out of the hug that lasted both too shortly and for an eternity. She takes off her glasses and rubs her eyes. “We should head back now, though; it's getting kind of late.”

Then she nods and we set off.

I extend my hand to her, and she clasps it. Her hand feels unsteady but warm.

“Thanks for the hug, Hisao,” she says. I can finally hear some confidence come back in her voice. “I really needed that.”

Me, too, Asumi. Me, too.

Chapter 11; Walking the Beaten Path

I was hoping the second day would be less awkward, but lunch is going about the same as yesterday. Asumi is currently chatting with Saki while I pick away at my rice. It’s not like she is ignoring me, we’re both just acting like nothing happened last Sunday. It was the same in the library too, we both were there for an hour and a half and barely talked with each other. Not that it’s her fault, I also don’t really know how to act. I could have brought it up though, in an attempt to get some clarity. Maybe if it wasn’t getting close to exams and the library wasn’t so full, maybe then I would have done it.

I don’t know if I did something wrong or if I was just expecting the wrong thing after our outing. We didn’t really talk about a relationship last weekend. Heck, I don’t even think either of us said the word ‘date’. We got closer when we hugged, that much is certain. Still, it feels unclear. It feels like we are in some sort of superposition, we’re both dating and we’re not, and neither of us is brave enough to open the box and check if the cat is alive.

Then there are the others. From all the things Asumi said on the dark road back to school one thing really stuck with me; it seems like she believes me and our friends have it much worse than her. I look over at Naomi, who’s happily chatting with Natsume. I knew about her condition already, that much was unavoidable. She did have two more seizures, both in class. While Natsume again handled most of the response, I actually got to help a little bit. While it still was not pleasant to see my friend lying on the floor, shaking, I handled it a lot better than the first time.

Then there’s Natsume herself. Asumi said her joints always hurt. I have heard Natsume mention something like that before. I don’t know the full extent of it, but if I pay attention to the way she sometimes moves, it’s obvious.

And finally, Saki. I knew she had to use a cane, I knew she had some problems with fine motoric skills, what I didn’t know is that it was only going to get worse. I could see that it hurt Asumi to even talk about Saki, which in turn hurt me. I still don’t know the details. I don’t think I want to know the details.

I find it hard to disagree with Asumi’s conclusion that her condition isn’t that bad compared to our friends, maybe even to mine. I don’t think that means she can’t be a good friend to me or the others, but at least I can see how she ended up with this conclusion. I even rubbed it in afterwards by explaining my situation. I am afraid I need to do it again.

She was the first one I really told about my condition. Even those who do know about it, like the teachers and the nurse, they got to know through my medical records. Last Sunday was the first time I really opened my mouth and did it myself. It was scary but I felt it was necessary, afterwards it felt like a weight dropped from my shoulder. Maybe the weight didn’t drop entirely, but it became a little bit lighter.

I take a deep breath. The conversation at the lunch table about our exams is slowing down. There’s no better time than now. I owe it to my friends.

“Hey guys,” I speak up. Maybe it’s because I hadn’t said anything for the last few minutes or because of my unusual tone, but I get four heads turning towards me instantly. “I, eh, never really told you guys why I am here, at Yamaku that is.” I focus on my breathing instead of the four girls staring at me. I can’t go back now. “I have a heart condition, they found out almost five months ago after I... had a heart attack.” I almost whisper the last part.

There’s a short silence as I can see the girls process what just happened. I almost want to apologize for ruining the lighthearted mood at lunch, when Saki speaks up.

“See that wasn’t that hard, was it?” She gives a warm smile, “I have Spinocerebellar Ataxia. What that comes down to is that it attacks the control of my muscles.” She lifts up the cane that was resting against her chair until now. “That’s why I need this thing.”

Before I can really process what Saki said, Natsume follows up. “I have a form of Arthritis. It affects my joints. Makes me move like a grandma when it plays up.”

“Well, you already knew about my epilepsy,” Naomi adds, “but thank you for sharing this, Hisao.”

And like that, the line of conversation is already over. I think the weight on my shoulder got a little bit lighter again. Though how casually they all shared their conditions does make me feel like I overdid it a little.

But then there’s Asumi, she’s looking at the floor and her eyes are absent. I anticipated this would happen, but it still hurts. I want to tell her that it doesn’t matter whatever condition our friends have, and that I have, but I am not sure that that’s true. I do want to tell her that I care about her regardless, and that I hope she feels the same about me. But I can’t right now, not in the cafeteria.

I need some more time to think about what I should say, about us. That should keep me occupied through class for the rest of the day.

When we’re walking back to class, someone taps me on the shoulder. Why does this keep happening?

I turn around, and to my surprise it’s Natsume this time, “Hey Hisao, you have any plans for after class?”

“Euh, nothing really. I was planning to just go to the- “

“The library, I know,” she interrupts me. “I wanted to go for a short walk after class. I would appreciate it if you could join me. It should only take like thirty minutes at most.”

Asumi did mention Natsume likes to go for walks. Out of the four girls, Natsume is the one I had the least interactions with so far, so it catches me a bit off guard for her to invite me like that. I am a bit suspicious that there’s more to it than her just wanting a companion on a short stroll. But maybe that’s precisely why I should say yes. Whatever she wants to talk about could help me. I can definitely use the exercise too. I just hope I can keep up with her.

“Uhm sure, why not? “I say.

“Cool, see you after class,” Natsume says casually as she enters the class and starts talking to Naomi like usual.

“So, where are we going?” I ask her.

After class ended, Natsume was waiting for me at the door. It looked like she was making sure I wasn’t trying to get out of our agreement, an idea which did occur to me. We quickly dropped off our school supplies in our respective dorms and set off from there.

“The forest near the school. Not many students go there. Bit of a shame really,” Natsume says.

We pass through the back-gate behind the dormitories, where a marked path leads into the forest. I’ve never been here before so it’s nice to know there is a path to follow.

“Do you go here often?”

“Almost every day, unless it has rained, then I walk around the school grounds. It gets too muddy in the forest,” Natsume says. “Light exercise is really important for my arthritis.”

“Ah, I see,” I say. I am still not sure how to respond to things like this.

We round the first corner and are now fully inside the forest, the trees all around us only amplifying the calmness and silence of Yamaku. I take a moment to breathe in the fresh air. It smells foresty. I wonder what actually causes that distinct smell. Maybe the leaves that are scattered across the forest floor?

Natsume breaks the silence in the woods, “I think it was pretty brave what you said during lunch today.”

I sigh. “I should have told you guys sooner.”

“Maybe, but everyone has their own pace.” Natsume briefly readjusts her glasses. “And you weren’t here in the first year, that must make it harder.”

“How so?”

Natsume goes silent for a while and she looks up to the canopy above. “Well, everybody comes in at once and nobody really knows what the other’s conditions are, apart from the obvious ones. Some of them are born with it, others got their diagnosis recently. It becomes this dance where people slowly open up to each other, all in their own way. Like how some people brag about the amount of meds they have to take in the morning and even if you aren’t comfortable with that yourself, it still helps to put things into perspective. There are still plenty of students who never really accept their conditions, but at least that number decreases after the first few months.”

“But then when I get here this late, that has already all happened,” I say.

She nods. “Things just settle after a while, so if you come in the third year things are a bit...” she pauses for a moment, “unequal I guess is the best word to describe it. Most people around you already know about each other and don’t feel the need to talk about it every day, whether they have accepted it or not.” Another pause from Natsume. “Actually, mostly if they have accepted it.”

I let her words linger in my mind for a while. I think it does explain some of the things I observed here, like how students often avoid actively talking about their disabilities. I just assumed that was the norm, I forgot to consider the fact that I joined a community already several years in progress. I forgot that while I was still in my old school, oblivious to the ticking time-bomb in my chest, Yamaku already was in full swing with students dealing with their own problems. I guess I am not that special, just a little late.

“I think I understand it,” I say, although I don’t think I fully understand and don’t think I ever really will. “I will need some more time to really come to terms with my heart, but I think it’s good that I told you guys, at least.”

She smiles at me and nods. “Don’t blame yourself for taking some time. That’s completely understandable. It took me almost two years to come to terms with my diagnosis. Just don’t keep it all inside, please.”

“I’ll try.”

My attention briefly goes back to the act of walking, where before my legs were moving on their own. We now really are in the middle of the forest; the trees have become more densely packed and the forest around us is a little darker as a result. The pace is quite slow, hopefully Natsume isn’t slowing down because of me. My breathing is a little heavier than when we started, though I seem to be doing fine so far.

“So Hisao, can I ask you another thing?” Natsume speaks up again.

“Uh, sure.”

“About you and Asumi.” She looks at me through her glasses, carefully selecting her words. “Are you... a thing now?”

I sigh. I knew that question was going to come at some point, I just didn’t think I would prefer to go back to the topic of my heart condition instead.

“I don’t know,” I say hesitantly. “It’s all a bit unclear, still.”

Natsume chuckles. I look at her confusedly, I don’t get the joke. “Sorry.” Natsume hides her laugh with her hand. “That’s exactly what Asumi said as well. Almost word for word.”

She talked to Asumi about this already? And she said the same thing as I just said? I take a moment, trying to figure out what that means for me, for us. I guess it’s a better result than her just saying ‘No, we aren’t a thing’.

“You two are actually more alike than either of you realize,” Natsume says, still amused at the turn of events.

Opposites attract, that’s a classic saying. Me and Asumi are definitely not opposites, but are we really that similar? Sure, we have some of the same interests, mainly reading, but apart from that? Even if we were, does that mean that we are forced to stay at a distance from each other? It’s not like we are magnets.

“I don’t see it. Because we both like to read books?” I ask her.

“What I mean is, both of you spend way too much of your time up here,” she says putting her finger to her own forehead. “Really Hisao, you two can’t science and reason yourself into a relationship. At least if that’s what you want.”

“I think I do,” I reply.

Natsume shakes her head. “You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Thinking. Or overthinking to be specific,” she sternly tells me. “I think you two would get a whole lot further if you used your heart instead.” She freezes, her two-colored eyes grow wide in shock. “Sorry sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

I chuckle and wave away her apology. This reminds me of my first days here, that time I said ‘I see’ to Lilly. To now be on the receiving end of this faux pas, it’s not that big of a deal after all. Maybe I have gotten better at this. “Don’t worry about it, I think you said something very wise just now.”

She smiles at me. “Thanks. I know it’s easier said than done but I truly think you two would be good for each other.” She pushes me against the shoulder and laughs again. “If only you two stopped overthinking everything!”

Her sudden uncharacteristic intensity makes me laugh. Hanging out with Naomi so much must have done something.

But more importantly, I think she is right. No, I know she is. I have been thinking about everything regarding Asumi, overthinking everything. And judging by how Natsume said all this, so has Asumi.

“Hey Natsume,” I ask her, “you said you also talked to Asumi?”

“You could say we had a similar conversation.” She smiles at me. “Asumi might be a bit hard to understand at times, but she really does like you, Hisao.”

I don’t think there exists a combination of words that I was more eager to hear. This confirmation from Natsume releases the weight that was tying me down so much that I feel like I will float up to the top of the nearby trees.

“Don’t tell her I said that!” Natsume says. She must have noticed the enormous grin on my face. “Just talk to her about it.”

“I will, I will,” I say, although I have no clue what to say to Asumi. I should think on it, or no, not think on it, however that works. “Maybe tomorrow. I think I need to sleep on all of this.”

“That’s probably smart, but don’t wait too long.”

We continue through the forest, the path now winding up slightly. Although it is not as steep as the road that goes up to Yamaku from the town below, it is a little straining. It is humbling that this walk is already tiring me out so much, but on the other hand it does provide a distraction from all the thoughts that would otherwise be whirling around in my head.

As we pass a fallen tree, Natsume mentions that we are only a few more minutes away from returning to the school. Luckily Natsume knows the way, as without her I think I would have been lost in the forest for weeks. Despite being a bit winded, the journey through the calm woods has been enjoyable.

“Thanks for inviting me along today. I should get more exercise too and this walk has been good,” I say.

“It’s great to clear the mind and we can all use that sometimes, right?” She winks at me with her green eye.

I nod. “But also the advice. I think you said some really smart things just now. You’re good at this.”

“I do my best,” she replies modestly. “I like being able to help my friends and I find it interesting to talk about these things too. I’m probably going to study psychology in university.”

“I think you’d be really good at that,” I say. “You’re not going to send me the bill for this conversation, are you?”

“Hahahaha, no, no,” she laughs. “Friends are free!”

After we reach the dormitories, I make sure to thank Natsume once more before we each go our separate ways. The stairs to my hallway feel like climbing a mountain. This walk really tired me out, both physically and mentally. I was planning to get some studying done this evening, the exams are coming up after all, but I need some time to sit with everything that is going on in my brain. I also need a shower.

As I open the door, a piece of paper gets pushed with it. I know I didn’t leave any schoolwork or anything else there; I am tidy enough to know that for certain. I carefully scoot around the door, revealing the barricade in question.

Really? Now? That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I realize what I am looking at.

Iwanako. Her name really is written there in the pink pen that she always used. I sigh.

I don’t know if I can deal with this right now. I already had a pile of things to think about and this letter would have to go on top. I can’t unsee this letter though, as much as I would want to.

First things first, I still need that shower. I put the letter on my desk and head towards the showers with my fresh clothes in hand. I really hope I don’t run into Kenji in the showers again, that would be the last thing I can use right now.

The sensation of the hot water hitting my sore muscles provides some relief, but my mind stays active. I was planning to sit with the issue of Asumi, how I felt about her and how she felt about me. Now all I can think of is that letter that ended up on the floor of my room. What would it be? An apology? If so, for what exactly? An attempt to reconcile? An attempt to get back together? Well, that one is very unlikely. Maybe a breakup letter then? Some final written statement to clarify that we are, in fact, not a couple. That one is probably it.

Not that there was any doubt that we were still a couple, I don’t think we ever were. She was the one, apart from my parents, to keep visiting me in the hospital. I guess I should have been grateful for that, but it felt forced. She felt guilty about me having a heart attack, that much was obvious. I told her at least twice that it wasn’t her fault, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. Yet she kept coming back, talking less and less, until eventually she stopped coming.

So maybe she wrote what she wanted to say back then, but didn’t? Something that is easier to say through a letter, when she can’t see how I’ll take it. I don’t even know what that would be nor what I would want it to be. I thought I got over her, I thought I found someone else that I might like to call my girlfriend.

Maybe Natsume was right, maybe I do overthink everything. I am definitely doing it now. But back then in the hospital too, maybe even more so. I think it’s only logical, I had nothing but my own thoughts and some books to keep me occupied. But despite all the thinking I did, then and now, I still don’t know what I should have said to Iwanako back then. I don’t think there exists a combination of words that could have gotten us out of that situation, but I could have at least tried.

I wonder what she wanted to tell me.

I should just read that damn letter.

This one took a few weeks longer than I wanted too. Real life got in the way a bit. I am lucky enough that they were good things though

Chapter 12; Collapsing Waves

Today felt like an eternity already. I had a lot of trouble sleeping yesterday, even though I was tired from the walk with Natsume. My brain was too occupied with both yesterday’s events and today’s task. My mind is just not good at shutting itself down, that might sometimes be a good thing but not this time. Not thinking about Asumi has been nearly impossible, despite my best efforts to distract myself today.

I even ended up going back to my room for lunch. I just needed some quiet time to think and I didn’t want to meet Asumi in the cafeteria. There wouldn’t have been enough time during lunch to say what I needed to say anyways. I did let Naomi and Natsume know that I was fine, I didn’t want them to worry, they probably also told Asumi.

I ended up reading Iwanako’s letter again during lunch, or at least the relevant parts. The beginning was just filler to warm me up to the things that really mattered but the sentences at the end are still stuck in my head.

“I wanted to somehow express my feelings, but the right words didn't come to me. I couldn't say anything to comfort you. I am really sorry for not being able to support you when it mattered the most, even though I like you so much.”

When I read it yesterday, the only thing that stood out was the lack of past tense at the end. During lunch I was able to give it a more applicable interpretation. She was hurt because she saw me heading towards the abyss. It hurt her because she cared about me and she felt like she couldn’t do anything. She felt like she should have done something, anything.

That feeling of helplessness, of not being able to support those you care about, I think I felt that way when Naomi had her seizure.

“If I could go back to those quiet days in February and March, I'd tell you not to give up on yourself. That's what I would say. Maybe you wouldn't have drifted so far away if I had just said something.”

I don’t think there was anything she really could have said. I needed more than just words to get out of the deep hole I was in. I’ve only realized how deep it was now that I’ve started climbing out of it again. That makes it hard for me to keep blaming her for staying quiet and stopping her visits to me. Though it still hurts a little. And then there was that final line.

“I wonder if we will meet again. Perhaps it's for the best if we don't?”

Admittedly, this sentence sours the rest of the letter for me. Now the entire thing reads like a final goodbye. Only written for the purpose of her saying the things she wanted to tell me so she could stop thinking about it. It wasn’t a letter she wrote for me, but for her. I’m probably not going to write her back.

I guess I should still thank Iwanako for this letter, all be it in a bit of a cynical way. It showed how tough it is to find the right words to express your feelings. The feelings themselves are what really matters, but you still need to find a way to put them out into the world. I shouldn’t think too much about how I’m going to do that, that’s what Natsume told me. I might not have the words right now, but I got my feelings sorted out at least.

I take a deep breath as I enter the library. I know she’s here; I texted her asking if she was. Time to stop overthinking things and just go for it.

I quickly find her sitting at one of the tables. Her white hair is draped over her book like a curtain. As I approach the table I notice she’s looking through her lens at a textbook, probably preparing for next week’s exams.

“Hey.” I break the silence in the library. “Sorry for missing lunch today.”

“It’s okay,” Asumi says.

“I think we should have a chat,” I say, doing my best not to make things overly dramatic.

She bookmarks her page and shuts her book. Then she looks into my eyes. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

“Maybe somewhere a little bit more private. Is outside okay today?” I ask.

Asumi peers out of the library window. It’s quite cloudy today but I have come to know that doesn’t mean that Asumi is safe from the sun. “If we go in the shade, it should be fine.”

She gets up and we walk through the building in silence, the hallways are still quite full of students going to wherever they need to go after class. As we exit the main hall and step outside, I break the silence. “Sorry for making things so awkward.”

“That’s not your fault,” she hastily responds. “I think it’s mostly mine.”

We round the main building and find our spot in the shade. It is the bench against the side of the main building again, the one where we shared our lunch during the festival. As we both take a seat, I take a deep breath and try to remember what Natsume drilled into me.

“Okay, I don’t want to make things any more complex than they already are,” I say as I look into her eyes. Her gaze seems to move around even more rapidly right now. “I really like you.”

She doesn’t respond right away, breaking my gaze and looking at the grass instead. I feel my heartbeat start to pick up. I take a slow and steady breath. This time can’t end like the last.

“I don’t really get it. I said some really awful things last time,” she nearly whispers. Our eyes meet again as some determination finds its way back into her voice. “I like you too, Hisao, I do, it’s just...” She slaps her own forehead with her hand. “I don’t know, I’m just so bad at this.”
“I’m really happy to hear you say that, though.”

It’s such a relief hearing that, as it’s exactly what I was worrying about for the past days. I even had Natsume and Saki tell me that I shouldn’t worry, but of course I worried. There’s still this barrier between us. I don’t think that it’s gone away just yet, but I now know that we both want it gone.

“I was just so worried about it. I first thought you liked Naomi more, or even Saki. And then I said some really stupid things and ruined our date.”

“Ruined? You didn’t ruin anything, Asumi. The date was fun and I think it was good that you let all that out.”

“But I basically said that I felt bad for not having a serious health problem!” she yells.

“Yeah... you did. You’re a bit of a dummy sometimes.” I lightly shove her with my hip, both bumping her but bringing us closer at the same time. “That doesn’t make me like you any less.”

She smiles at me, though her eyes don’t fully participate in the gesture. “I’m sorry for all the trouble, Hisao. I even had my friends telling me so often that I shouldn’t worry and that you liked me and that we should just go for it, but...” She sighs. “I don’t know, I still found a way to make a mess.”

That’s another thing I realized yesterday, just how much of us getting together has been orchestrated by our friends. On the one hand, I appreciate it, but it is extremely frustrating that we both had to be pushed so much to end up here.

“I didn’t do much better. Even though I wanted to, I’m not sure if I would have asked you out without Saki’s insistence. But what Natsume told me was more important, and I think she told you the same thing.” I cautiously put my arm around her shoulders.

She looks at me curiously for a moment, then she chuckles dryly. “She told you to stop worrying about everything and just tell me your feelings? Because that’s what she told me.”

“Pretty much. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it on my own. I want to do better from now on.”

“Me too,” she says as she lets her head rest on my shoulder. “It might take me a while to get used to this whole relationship thing, but I want to try.”

“For you, I have all the time in the world.” I attempt to also turn my head so it’s leaning against hers, but just as I am about to do so she turns towards me. “What is it?”

She shakes her head. “Nevermind.”

“Asumi, you can just tell me. That was the whole problem before, right?”

“Okay...” I can hear her inhale sharply as she looks up towards the cloudy sky above. “I had a question... about your heart.” She looks back at me, her eyes are as round as the glasses in front of them. “Is it very bad? As in...” she now whispers, “lethal?”

Ah, that. My first reaction is to brush it under the rug, to quickly say that it’s not that bad. But we are trying to be more than just friends now; she deserves to know the details. I don’t want her to worry about my condition. She does enough worrying as is. But I also really don’t want to comfort her with empty meaningless words.

“It could be lethal, but it shouldn’t be,” I say, while I lightly rub Asumi’s shoulder to reassure her. “I can’t really exert myself too much, but I have a lot of medication now to help me. As long as I keep taking my medication and nothing bad happens, I should have a somewhat normal lifespan, at least that’s what the doctors-”

My sentence is cut short as Asumi suddenly jumps up and tightly puts her arms around my shoulders. “Oh, thank goodness,” she whispers into my neck. After the initial surprise at her jumping me, I reciprocate the embrace. “Sorry for asking, I just had to know,” she says. “Please take your medicine.”

“I will, don’t worry.” I move my hand across her back and let her long and white locks of hair run through my fingers while trying to enjoy Asumi being close to me. I succeed at that despite the fact that my heart is still racing.

We slowly move out of the embrace, with Asumi still half positioned on my lap, and look at each other. Her eyes are moving rapidly, sometimes that makes it hard to know what she’s looking at. Not this time, I can feel her looking at me in the same way as I am looking at her. Then her eyes close.

Mine follow suit as our heads move closer simultaneously. My lips meet hers in the middle, they feel so soft. I can feel the frame of her round glasses poke me in the forehead, but the slight discomfort detracts nothing from the feeling of her lips on mine. For once, I have no trouble clearing my head from all other thoughts.

Then after a moment of time that I couldn’t objectively measure, it ends. We pull back and just look at each other, neither of us wanting to break the silence. I swear I can still feel her soft lips on mine, it fills my broken heart with a pleasant and warm feeling. Then she sits down next to me again, blushing a bright red on her otherwise white cheeks.

I take her hand in mine, squeezing it. “I think we’re going to be just fine, you and me.”

She nods with determination. “We really made it more difficult than it needed to be, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, we sure did.” I laugh. “I guess tomorrow at lunch we can tell our friends we’re dating and that they can stop puppeteering us.”

“I just hope Naomi doesn’t tell the whole school.”

“And I hope Saki can stop teasing me over you all the time.”

Asumi giggles. “You know she would just find something else to annoy you with.”

“Yes...” I sigh. “But honestly, I don’t think I care too much.”

“Me neither.”

The cloudy sky is slowly starting to turn a bit orange, it’s a pretty sight but also an indication of the time that has passed. I put my arm around Asumi again. Because of her my right side is now considerably warmer than my left.

It’s funny how we ended up here. We grew close on our own. I still don’t exactly know how it happened, but I think it started during my first week here already. It’s just that we needed some pushing and encouragement to complete the journey. Some other people to say, ‘Trust us, it’s going to be fine’. It’s just a bit of a shame that it was necessary. I want to continue getting closer to Asumi, but from here on I think we can handle it together.

“Hey, want to go and get dinner together?” I ask. “We can go to the Shanghai again if you want to.”

“I’d like that.”

With newfound energy, I leap off the bench and extend my hand to Asumi. She takes it and I pull her up and into a hug. “Let’s go then,” I say into her ear.

“I appreciate the enthusiasm.” She giggles. “But can I drop by my dorm really quick? I need to drop my stuff and maybe get changed too.”

“Ah yes, of course.” There is no need to rush things. We have the whole day ahead of us.

That was worth the wait. I also took the opportunity to quickly freshen up, but I still spent about twenty minutes waiting outside the girl’s dormitory.

Now seeing Asumi exit the building wearing that black dress she bought in the city the other week, it fills me with the same feeling I had then. She has the black ribbon in her hair as well, it looks beautiful. Maybe even more beautiful than when she tried it on in the city.

“You look really pretty,” I say as soon as she reaches me.

“You’re lucky it’s so cloudy and I still had to apply a lot of sunscreen.”

“I really mean it though.” I extend my hand to her, which she tentatively accepts. “Just take the compliment.”

“Thanks.” She blushes. “Like I said, I need some time to get used to this stuff.”

“Me too, but I’m just trying not to think about it too much. I feel like that’s going well so far.”

She nods. “You really took Natsume’s advice to heart?”

“I actually think that amazing kiss is what really did it for me.” I wink at her. “But yes, Natsume did help a lot. I really appreciate our friends.”

“I should appreciate them more too.” She looks at me again. “And if the kissing helps that much.”

Asumi stops walking and brings her face closer to mine. There’s still that slight hesitation in both of us, but for the second time today, our lips meet.

“It seems like you’re getting the hang of this pretty quickly after all,” I say after the kiss ends.

She giggles. “I guess I am trying the not-thinking-too-much strategy too.”

We continue our way out of the school grounds and towards the town below. It still feels a bit unreal to be walking here, holding hands with a girl in a beautiful dress. I find myself laughing at how incredibly well this day has gone so far, despite all my worries.

“I’m just really happy with how today is going,” I hastily explain myself as Asumi looks at me curiously. “I feel unstoppable.”