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An Empty Space Where a Person Should Go



This is a story about Misha, Saki, a jet fighter, some incense, and a lot of ice cream.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“Don’t you think, Suzu?”

Miki is staring at me intently, but I had totally tuned out from what she was saying. The best defence is a strong offence though, so rather than admit I wasn’t listening, I’ll just brute force it.

“Absolutely. Unequivocally. Without a shadow of a doubt,” I reply.

She’s laughing now. Everyone is laughing now.

Uh oh.

“See, told you the new guy was kind of cute. Suzu feels more strongly about it than I do though.”

That probably serves me right for zoning out like that. As for the ‘new guy’, I didn’t really pay him any attention. I can’t picture his face or remember his name.

Miki scoots close to me and whispers in my ear. “Busy dreaming?”

I nod my head as the guys across the grass start arguing about the relative attractiveness of the new kid in our class.

“Anything scandalous?” she asks.

I try to put the dream back together in my head. It’s difficult, dreams are never very vivid for me. It feels like sifting through a cloud for something… like a frog. Mutou, our science teacher, claims that frogs can sometimes end up in clouds…

“It was a story about Misha, Saki, a jet fighter, some incense, and a lot of ice cream.” I whisper to Miki, who immediately takes on a catlike grin. It feels important for some reason, but already it's beginning to dissipate.

“Fill me in later.”

“I’ve already forgotten.” Miki laughs and leans back to tune into the guys conversation.

“I guess, objectively speaking, he wasn’t ugly,” Akio admits, before taking a bite of his bread. I can’t imagine he’s thrilled that Miki is calling another guy cute, since he has a bit of a crush on her.

“And what makes someone objectively ugly?” I ask, but he just rolls his eyes.

“Okay, well, I guess there’s probably no such thing,” he concedes.

“Then it’s probably not much of a compliment, is it?”

Akio just shrugs, and now everyone’s laughing at him. I guess I kind of threw him under the bus on that one. He does speak without thinking a lot, or tries to sound smart when he isn’t.

I feel particularly irritable today. Maybe it’s the heat, or the various loud noises around us, but even things that usually cheer me up don’t seem to be cutting it today. We’re outside, the air is crisp, and most people are just cheerily enjoying the sunshine in their little groups. Still, despite that clean smell of fresh country air, I feel… annoyed.

It’s dangerous for me to feel anything too strongly. It might trigger my cataplexy. That’s why, more often than not, I choose to just coast through the day. With a sigh, I lean back on the grass. The others don’t say anything, but Miki chuckles.

“Done being social for the day Suzu?” she asks playfully. I don’t bother replying. I can hear Lelouch, the quieter but infinitely nicer of my male friends, laughing. I wish I was in a better mood, or that I had at least looked at the boy I’m apparently in love with when he introduced himself to the class this morning.

I close my eyes and think, but for the life of me I can’t remember what he looked like. Oh well, I guess I’ll check him out after lunch. I’ll probably forget though.

That’s okay, life isn’t going anywhere.

My life isn’t going anywhere.

I open my eyes and take a long hard look at Lelouch. He gives me a nod, and a wink.

Lelouch has aphasia. He told me once that he was always quiet, but since his stroke he doesn’t want to waste a word ever again. I found that starkly beautiful, once.

I tune back into the conversation happening beside me.

“I haven’t started it yet, I’ll probably ask Kapur to help me out,” Akio says. He’s been asking Molly Kapur for help with his homework as an excuse to hang out with her, or at least that’s what Miki tells me. Apparently, he also has a slightly creepy crush on her. I guess the guy is just horny.

“I’ll be getting ‘Happy Hippy’ here to help me with mine,” Miki laughs.

I’m ‘Happy Hippy.’ That’s an affectionate nickname she only uses when she thinks I’m acting grumpy…— which I guess I sort of am— and because I have ‘hippy shit’ according to Miki, i.e. a mood ring and a few incense candles.

“Okay,” I respond without sitting up. Everyone laughs again. I’m terribly funny you see, even though I don’t mean to be. Miki tells me there’s another girl like that, Tezuka, or something; funny inadvertently, or funny by existence or something. I don’t know how I feel about the latter.

I sit up and check my watch. Everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion today.

Lelouch smiles at me. Miki is just smiling at the world. Akio is eating something, there’s rice on his cheek. It’s such a nice day, I’m with my friends, and I should be happy. The sky is big and blue and empty, and so am I.

“Suzu?” Miki nudges me.“Having a grumpy day?” she asks. Lelouch and Akio are talking about something else now. Well, Akio is talking, Lelouch is just listening. Poor guy.

“Yeah, sorry,” I answer her.

“Not your fault,” Miki replies, before flicking my head. “You can’t control what’s going on in here.”

“That’s the problem.”

“Well, I think you’ve been doing okay lately,” she says, and Lelouch nods his head. He’s probably remembering the first time he saw me get too emotional. Not a fun time. “Besides, you being a bit boring beats carrying you up the stairs.”

I wish I could shut my feelings off the way Miki clearly thinks I can, but I can’t. I feel as though the world is somehow separate from myself.

Miki rocks back and forth on her butt before jumping to her feet.“Come on, let’s beat the crowds.”

Akio brushes the grass off his knees and grabs his bag. Lelouch helps me up, and even plucks a blade of grass from the exposed circle of skin on the front of my knee brace. I smile at him, and he smiles back, and the prospect of afternoon classes suddenly feels a little easier. I wish I could kiss him. I wish that he would kiss me. It’s called positive actualisation, and I’m awful at it.

“Thanks,” I say, and we go on our cheery way, with Miki playfully shoving Akio, and Lelouch holding the doors for me. He’s a real gentleman.

This is just how lunchtimes go here at Yamaku. Well, for me. This is how the good ones go, and really, most of them are good ones.

What do I even have to be frustrated with? From every outside angle, everything in my life is working exactly how it should. Well, almost everything, aside from my usual problems.

As we re-enter the main building, a group of what looks to be first years passes us. They’re carrying planks of wood, various paints, and tools, which Akio apparently finds humorous.

“And so begins the annual slave labour contests,” he laughs, only to receive an elbow jab from Miki.

“Show some school spirit dude!”

“Why? This place sucks!” he replies with another, more bitter, laugh.

“This is about the only place a dude like you can survive,” Miki teases. It’s true really.

“I’m going to make a success of myself, and it won’t be thanks to this prison!”

“This is why no-one in the literature club likes you,” I explain, and this time he doesn’t laugh.

“Ouch,” Miki laughs. “She has a point Akio.”

“No, she doesn’t,” he replies, annoyed. “I’m well liked.”

“Sure,” Miki laughs again.

“I am…” Akio starts, but his words peter out, in a sad, lonely, kind of way. If he was less of an ass I might be sympathetic, but he isn’t so I’m not.

Nobody else speaks as we head up the stairs to our homeroom, but the halls are busy with students. Some are like those first years, carrying equipment for stalls or decorations, whilst others are just milling about, chatting outside of classrooms, or heading back for their next lesson. I tune in to a few conversations as we pass and pick up little pieces of everyone else’s lives.

“…I don’t think so, I think it’s due tomorrow…”

“…It was awful, I barely ate any of it…”

“…She’s being a real pain; doesn’t she know we’re working our butts off…”

“…But he didn’t stay the night…”

I tune back into the world ahead of me as we reach our classroom. Akio has cheered up a little, but I probably owe him an apology. We’ll both probably forget, which reminds me that there’s something I’ve forgotten…

Miki wraps her arm around me just before we enter class. She smells nice, which is weird since it’s a hot day. I don’t want to know if I smell good or not, but I feel a bit sweaty.

“The love of your life is awaiting you,” she teases, reminding me of the new kidI was supposed to check out.

“I’m sure he is,” I answer her, but Miki is persistent.

“Seriously, he’s your type.”

“I don’t have a type.”

“You do, and he is.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know these things.”

I shrug, and Miki lets go of me. She’s being a bit overbearing. I’m not really interested in pursuing anyone romantically at the moment, let alone some new kid.

The four of us enter class and take our seats. The only person I don’t recognise is being harassed by Shizune and Misha, the class reps who are equal parts annoying and obnoxious. Miki pokes me to point him out, but… I’ve already noticed him.

I guess he’s kind of cute. Boyish, a little nervous looking. He looks uncomfortable with Shizune and Misha which is a good sign that he has a brain. His hair is a bit unruly, and he has a thin face, like someone that’s exhausted.

That said, he isn’t anything exceptional. He just looks… normal. Plain even. I’m sure he’s nice enough. Maybe one day we’ll talk, and he’ll turn out to be as disappointing as everyone else. Or maybe I’ll be proven wrong, and he’ll be the most interesting man I’ve ever met. Perhaps we’ll never speak.

I face the front of the classroom and bury my head into my arms. Miki tries to get my attention again, but thankfully Mutou saves me from any more random teasing. Today has been exhausting, and it’s barely half-way through yet.

I take another peek at the guy behind me. There is absolutely nothing special about him, just a guy like any other. I don’t know what I was expecting.

I tune out for the rest of afternoon classes, and the pieces of my dream come colliding into one another again.

______________________________________________________

Miki makes a noise like a dying animal, but finally stretches out into the position.

“How…long…” she asks through gritted teeth.

“Forty seconds.”

“I… can’t…” She’s turning super red.

“You can, it just takes practice,” I reassure her, but she’s collapsing… her walls are crumbling. She…

Miki falls onto her side.

“How the hell… do you… maintain that…”she asks between breaths. She’s sweating a lot, probably more from her run than the stretches though.

“It’s a result of utter inner peace.” She rolls her eyes at me. “Okay, practice then,” I explain.

Miki rolls over and pokes me in the abdomen.

“It’s like stone…” she mutters in awe. Her abs are far nicer though, she’s probably just trying to make me feel good.

It’s working, but I fall over when I laugh. “You’re a terrible work-out partner,” I giggle.

“This isn’t working out, it’s medieval torture.”

“Better than running,” I quip.

“What?”

“I said it’s better than running.”

“But it isn’t?” She tilts her head, as though I’ve said something utterly bewildering. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and thankfully has an awful poker face. Her big cheesy grin pokes through almost immediately.

“So, good work out today?”

“The first half was nice, yeah, but now my abs kill. You’re a real slave driver with this crap,” she laughs.

“Find your centre Miki. I have.”

“Is that why you’re so happy all the time?” She teases. It cuts a little deep though.

“Okay, well, I can’t really run, so…”

“Hey, I’m just kidding,” she reaches over and ruffles my hair. “I’m sorry.”

“I deserved it,” I answer her with a sigh.

“A little,” Miki concedes, before helping me to my feet. My knee starts to throb when she pulls me up. I realise how badly I want to hug her, to feel her hands through my hair. I just want someone to touch me.

I briefly consider asking her to hold me but ignore that thought in a moment of better judgement. I don’t want her wondering if I’m interested in her, that would be awkward. I’m probably overthinking it, and before I can get trapped inside my head again, Miki gives me a tight squeeze.

“Where you at, kid?”

“I don’t know,” I tell her, and she squeezes me again. “Somewhere between irritable and happy.”

“We all are,” Miki laughs.

“Yeah,” I agree, and she lets go of me. “I’m hungry.”

Miki pretends to look at her watch, even though she isn’t wearing one.

“Well, I guess I’m about done with my work out, are you finished too?”

“I’ve been done since you made me fall over,” I tell her seriously.

Miki nods, “Come on then, let’s go get Taro to cook us something.”

“Shower first?”

She sniffs herself and shakes her head.

“Nah, fresh as a daisy still.”

Before I can do the same, Miki leans over and sniffs me.

“No worse than usual,” she laughs.

I just shrug, and double check her appraisal . Yeah, I’m fine. I mean, who’s going to smell me anyway? I smell totally fine. I smell like I always do. I think. Yoga doesn’t make me sweat. I smell like a mixture of my shower gel, my laundry detergent, and the incense I left burning in my room. I should have probably put that out…

“Okay then,” I say, and we start walking.

There’s a couple walking on the path ahead of us holding hands. They look content, happy. I sometimes wish that could be Lelouch and me, but it isn’t for the right reasons. I don’t like him, not like that, not really. Not anymore. It takes two to fall in love, and we were only ever one.

Sometimes I just want things, and I don’t know why, and I think that’s probably okay.

Miki snaps her fingers in front of my face; I’m walking on the grass.

“You’ve been zoning out a lot.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise,” Miki sighs, and grabs me by the wrist. I don’t think she realises how tight her grip is . “Is it something specific?”

“Nothing that isn’t entirely me,” I explain, and she laughs. That wasn’t really the reaction I was aiming for.

“Some food will do you good. Besides, Taro promised last week to make us his famous curry.”

I am actually looking forward to Taro’s cooking, the big loveable oaf that he is. A big loveable oaf who makes big loveable loafs… ha. I smile to myself.

“See, even the thought of it cheers you up,” Miki says, and pulls me along behind her.

We close the remaining distance between the track and the boys’ dormitory. A few guys eye us suspiciously as we enter, nonchalant as we are, but we would have had more peculiar looks if we brought Taro to the girls' dorm. Hanging out in the boys’ common room and pantry has always been a lot easier, since the majority of our friends are guys - and as a rule, the girl’s common room has those bitchy second years clogging it up.

The mumbling of the guys quickly stops when Taro appears at the bottom of the stairs. A second year using the kitchen grabs his stuff and moves along, like Taro’s shadow is enough to command respect. I’m only partly joking there. Lelouch told me once that Taro’s nickname among the guys is ‘Big Dog’, and apparently people go to him when they have a problem like he’s some Yakuza don or something.

“You’ll be sleepin’ with the fishies,” I mutter under my breath and laugh.

“Something worth sharing with the class?” Miki teases, giving my hand a little squeeze.

“No ma’am.”

“Hmm.”

Taro holds his hand out to Miki, and they meet each other’s palms with a satisfying thud. He doesn’t offer me a high five, but puts his arm around me instead, pulling me to his good side and squeezing me tightly.

“Hungry?” he asks, and Miki bares her teeth.

“Like the wolf,” I reply, and Taro shoots me a smile. “You said you’d cook us some curry last week.”

“You don’t have to pull me up on a promise, I like cooking for you guys; you eat anything.”

“Not true,” Miki protests, then scratches the back of her head, “I can’t think of any counter-examples though.”

Taro laughs loudly, and I can’t help but flinch at the volume as it fills the room.

“So I’ve been experimenting with mushrooms lately,” Taro starts explaining to us, but Miki immediately cracks up. “In a culinary capacity Miki, please, have some decorum.”

Hearing Taro make such an outlandish request is enough to make me laugh as well, but he shoots me a stern glare. It says: ‘I will put a horse’s head in your bed.’ Or maybe ‘guacamole’ because it only serves to make me laugh, even me.

“Anyway,” he continues loudly, “I’ve perfected my mushroom curry. Perfect fuel after a workout.”

He points towards us since we’re in our sports gear. Well, Miki is in her sports gear, my outfit is more accurately described as ‘lazy-wear’ and it has and often does double as my pyjama set.

Taro reaches underneath the counter and produces two chopping boards, before ducking down again for some cooking pots. He slides the chopping boards towards us, and gestures for me to grab the knives from the drawer beside me.

Miki reaches over for the vegetables, and Taro gives her a nod of approval as she delegates half of them to me generously.

“Careful Miki, you’ve only got the one good one now.”

“Asshole,” Miki laughs, waggling her bandaged wrist at him before using it to steady a mushroom on the chopping block. She raises an eyebrow at me, telling me to get chopping.

“So,” Miki eyes Taro with a scandalous grin, “my sources tell me you asked Saki Enomoto out on a date.”

Taro only half looks towards her as he rinses the rice, then pours it into one of the pots.

I put the knife down and slide the mushrooms I’ve already cut into a bowl.

“You did? I didn’t know you had a thing for her,” I say.

He sighs and puts the pots down.

“I did, I do.” He looks away for a moment. She didn’t give me a definitive answer.”

Miki tries to lighten the mood with her Cheshire cat smile, but clearly, it’s a sore subject.

“Well, dating someone here is a pretty big deal,” I say, trying to reassure him. “She probably just needs a little time. I’m sure she likes you.”

“Speaking of dating,” Miki continues, “is it true that Lelouch and Ikuno are…” She looks at me sympathetically, but I shrug. “You know…?”

“He plans on asking her out properly for the festival,” Taro answers, having thankfully missed the subtle look Miki shot me.

Taro grabs the mushrooms from my bowl and continues cooking undeterred, shrugging off the awkward conversation and asking Miki some obviously diversionary question about the track team. I guess Miki doesn’t want to push things, because she follows the change in conversation without complaint.

Maybe it’s even more difficult to be given a non-committal answer than a yes or no when you ask someone out. It’s not like I have any experience to relate it to, but I would rather the band aid was ripped off quickly than pulled away slowly.

After a series of uninteresting conversations about sports, school, and some apparently scandalous comment made by a second year, the topic turns once again to my love life. Miki wraps her arm around my shoulder.

“I keep telling her to stop fawning over the past, but she won’t listen,” she teases, but there’s an awful lot of truth in it. I think back to the last year, to holding hands with Lelouch in the rain, to a few memories that I can’t differentiate from a dream. To kissing hard and falling from the bed. The soft breathing and slow groaning.

I feel my cheeks go a little red.

Taro chuckles.

“Look around Suzu, you’re missing all the good stuff!” He exclaims sarcastically and gestures in a wide circle around him, at Miki’s bandaged wrist, the accessible lifts, the low counters, and the defibrillator on the wall. The good stuff is obviously being coloured by Taro’s recent foray into the dating world.

Miki punches him in the shoulder, the bad one at that, and Taro flinches in pain.

“Sorry.”

“No, I deserved it.”

I think I also said that earlier. Miki is a good judge of the punch-worthy.

“A little,” Miki laughs. “Anyway, the festival is coming up, that’s something to look forward to.”

Taro nods in agreement.

“Not according to Akio,” I laugh dryly. “You could see the steam coming out of his ears as we passed those second years today.”

Now that’s someone who is punch-worthy. Miki needs to get on that, pronto.

Having helped as much as Taro will allow -- or as much as Miki and I realistically can -- we loiter around the kitchen chatting meaninglessly until Taro finishes cooking. He makes it look effortless, but it is genuinely impressive how brilliant a cook he is. We tuck in, amid conversation.

Miki and I finish our bowls, and I have to fight the urge to lick mine clean.

Taro piles the washing up in the sink and wraps his arm over my shoulder.

“Happy?”

“I feel like a balloon, but it’s so worth it.”

Miki burps.
“I second that,” she says, with a piece of rice still clinging firmly to her cheek. “Delicious as always.”

“Well, I don’t know about you two, but I fancy a little walk after that.”

Miki nods slowly, lookinglike she might fall asleep. The smell of Taro’s cooking hangs in the air; free aromatherapy.

“Suzu?”

“Sorry, I actually have something to do tonight.”

Miki raises an eyebrow but says nothing.

“Another time then,” Taro takes his arm off me and pats me on the back. I’ve never had a brother, but I think Taro would make a good one. “Come on Miki.”

She groans as Taro practically drags her up and out of the kitchen. I follow them but take a right up the stairs instead. I can hear Miki start some joke, but the door shuts behind her beforeI can hear the end of it.

I take the stairs slowly and brush my hair out of my face. I should really check to make sure I don’t have any rice on my face like Miki, but I can’t stomach the boys’ bathrooms ever since that thick-glasses weirdo from 3-2 flashed me, presumably by accident. Miki liked that story a lot.

Up another set of stairs and down the corridor, I straighten my t-shirt and brush off the bits of dirt that still cling to my knees from yoga.

I knock on the door, and after a moment or two of shuffling behind it, Lelouch opens it.

I feel a little sick, a little excited.

He shoots me a confused look.

I reach up and pull his head into a kiss.

He kisses me back, albeit a little reluctantly.

“We shouldn’t,” I whisper.

I want to cry, but I don’t.

He kisses me again, harder this time as we fall into his bedroom.

“Suzu,” he says between kisses. “I’m with Ikuno.”

He kisses me again.

“Are we bad people?" I ask.

Lou doesn’t say anything, but his hands find my waist, my inner thigh. His lips find my neck.

I want to grab what I want, and I do.

We close the door behind us.

_________________________________________________

Next

It really is a pathetic thing. To mourn a past you never had. Don't you think?
Sunjeev Sahota, The Year of the Runaways

“You almost never see that over Yamaku.” Akio points up casually as a formation of jet planes soar above us, leaving a clean slice through the clouds above.

“We’re not far from the airbase, I used to see them all the time during my first year,” Taro states uninterestedly. He doesn’t even look up to see them disappear into the horizon.

I lie down on the grass beside Miki, and she places her arm under my head.

“Get cozy baby girl,” she says in a mockingly husky voice, I think she’s trying to be one of the guys, but it sounds nothing like any of them. “Snuggle up to Mr. Miki.”

“You are very weird but very snuggly,” I say, and she gives me a gentle squeeze.

It’s a bit chillier today but otherwise everything hangs in the air in the same way it has every day since forever. The seemingly infinite smell of fresh-but-never-cut grass, the delicate swing of a canopy of trees almost perfectly positioned overhead to make little pockets of shade to sit in. Even the natural feels synthetic, high concept, designed within an inch of a fault.

“Why so glum sugar plum?” Miki asks me.

I roll my eyes and snuggle into her.

“Nothing ever changes Mr. Miki.” I feel her give me another squeeze. “Nothing ever changes at all.”

“Nonsense,” Akio laughs. “Just take a look up and see that! Everything is always changing!”

“An oddly chipper contribution, Akio,” Taro laughs.

“I never said things were changing for the better.”

“There we go, back to our scheduled programming.” Miki’s laughter makes me jiggle beside her, and my comfortable spot vanishes.

Oh well, I should try to remain vertical anyway, supposedly.

I sit up, earning a raised eyebrow from Miki and a nonplussed look from Taro. Across from me, Lelouch is staring at where the jets disappeared into the distance, enraptured. I wonder if there’s some symbolism there for him, or maybe he just likes planes.

Akio sees me looking at Lou and presumably mistakes me for his friend, because he shoots me a sympathetic look. The two of them are close, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew about our relationship, or the lack thereof, I suppose.

I’ve never been good at keeping secrets, but other than Miki, my odd relationship with Lelouch has remained hidden for the last year. We briefly considered dating, but he wasn’t really into it, so we continued the physical aspects of our relationship but nothing else. At least, nothing else from his side. It made me feel hollow for a while but now it’s like a comfy old hoodie.

Now with Ikuno on Lelouch’s metaphorical horizon, it’s like that comfortable arrangement has been ripped from me.

Still, I don’t need Akio’s sympathy. I don’t need any sympathy from anyone.

I glare at Akio, and he backs off with the supportive looks.

“Sorry guys, I’ve got a meeting with the nurse now,” I announce.

“Want a ride?” Miki asks, but doesn’t get up.

“No thanks Mr. Miki, I’ll manage.”

I give the group a small wave, though only Taro and Akio return it. Miki quickly dives into another round of gossip, and Lelouch hasn’t moved since the jets soared overhead. I’m not even sure he notices that I’m leaving.

Clusters of students all around seem to have moved on from their temporary fascination with the aircraft, and I don’t know if it’s the result of the planes, but the usual ‘fresh-lawn’ smell of campus seems to have faded away. It’s a bit weird, because Yamaku has always had a very familiar scent, and without it the grounds feel somehow alien.

Past the benches, a group of first years are looking and pointing at the planes far in the distance as they circle, performing what must be manoeuvres. Taro mentioned an air base not far from here, so it’s probably nothing to worry about,. I'm sure I haven’t accidentally slept through an announcement of war or anything.

There are still more signs of the upcoming festival sprouting up around campus, as stands start to take shape and those best laid plans of Misha and Shizune come careening into reality. Some of the stands already look fairly impressive, with the main thoroughfare of stalls sitting beneath a canopy of unlit lanterns and unblinking LED’s. It will probably look quite beautiful when it lights up next week and everything comes together.

It makes me feel a bit sad to not be involved in any of the club preparations. Maybe if I had joined a club or made more effort with my studies I’d feel more integrated in the whole world thing. Or maybe I’d feel like I was drowning, as opposed to my usual skimming of the surface.

Inside the school the tornado of festival preparations continues as posters dot the corridor with little tear away stubs asking people to stop by either as patrons or volunteers. There are advertisements coupled with recruitment flyers spilling out from the pinboards on the wall and stuck up with blu-tac. It sort of looks like some sort of post-apocalyptic film, the way that the flyers completely cover the walls, and bits of bunting yet to be put up rest on the floor.

For a school that caters to the disabled, this festival must make wheelchair life miserable for its duration.

I make it to the nurse’s office without accidentally breaking my neck on a pile of cardboard that some idiot had left scattered at the foot of the staircase, and aside from a few more gossiping students, it’s a quiet trip.

Unexpectedly, the door to Nurse’s office is closed. I look up at the clock above his door, just to be sure I’m not late or early for my appointment, but no, I’m exactly on time.

I knock on the door, and get a chirpy “One moment,” in response. That’s Nurse. I don’t mean to eavesdrop but hear him issue a warning to “take your health seriously” and the name of some medicine that I immediately forget.

After what is probably closer to three or four moments than one, the door opens to the sight of Nurse standing there with that loveable but goofy smile on his face. He swings his arm round widely, inviting me inside even though whoever he had in here before is, in fact, still here.

“Ms. Suzuki,” Nurse says in that tone only he can employ, straddling a line between seriousness and hysterical laughter. “It is my great pleasure to introduce you properly to the newest member of your class, Mr. Nakai.”

The startled looking boy looks caught in the headlights, but he musters a short bow.

“A pleasure to meet you,” he responds.

“Hello, please forgive Nurse’s awkward sense of humour.”

Nurse laughs before feigning outrage. “And please forgive Suzuki’s terrible manners.”

I roll my eyes but relent. “Nice to meet you, Nakai, my friends call me Suzu. Or happy hippie. Or Short Circuit, on account of…” I gesture towards my head, but the new guy looks at me with a clueless expression. Oh, right, he’s not likely to know about my condition from just a few days at school. “I have cataplexy and narcolepsy. So I sleep a lot, and I can’t get too emotional or I –” I make an explosion noise with my lips, waving my hand by the side of my head.

The new kid winces, obviously ill prepared for my fairly creative depiction of a cataplexic attack.

“Well,” he responds, slightly quieter, “Misha has already taken to calling me Hicchan, but please don’t take that as an invitation to join her.” He laughs unsurely. “Just call me Hisao?”

“Ah, Miki mentioned you were in the student council's clutches already.” I force a laugh, and catch a glimpse of Nurse’s playful smirk. “If you need to escape them, you’re welcome to join us for lunch and the like.” I invite him out of pity. It’s not as if he’d take me up on that –

“Really? That would be great.”

Well, shit.

“Of course,” I reply with what I hope is a kind smile. I probably should have asked the others before inviting the new kid to come along with us for lunch. Oh well, maybe he’ll punch Akio and turn out to be some kind of hero. “We mostly eat outside now.”

“Is that right?” Nakai asks, as the conversation peters out.

“Now you know I hate to interrupt what is clearly a blossoming friendship,” Nurse interjects, though really, I was about ready to call time of death on the conversation anyway. “But I do have some medical matters to attend to with Ms. Suzuki here.”

The new guy slaps both of his hands on his knees and gets up from the bed he’s been sitting on. That knee slap is like universal guy code for ‘I better get going,’ and it nearly makes me laugh, but I give him a slight smile instead. He’s certainly not a bad looking guy. Might even be conventionally attractive. Though he’s definitely more cute than hot, contrary to what Miki apparently thought.

“Nice to meet you,” I say again, and Nakai nods his head.

“Likewise.”

And like that, he slips out the door. He hangs his shoulders when he walks, like he’s carrying a heavy load. How sad.

“Thank you for that,” I sarcastically say to Nurse.

“Oh, you’re quite welcome,” Nurse replies, turning in his chair to start typing on his computer. “You have to find pleasure where you can in this life.”

“Is that the secret to happiness?” I ask.

“There’s more than one,” he says softly. “But it’s a really good start.”

I hop onto the bed and start to undo the brace on my knee for Nurse to take a look. He’s typing something on his computer, but he keeps talking to me.

“How has your mood been lately?”

“The same,” I reply, laying back and resting my head on the seriously uncomfortable pillow.

“Same good or same bad?”

I shrug, but he’s still looking at his computer screen.

“Same bad, I guess.”

He finally turns around and wheels over to the bed in his chair. He starts to examine my knee.

“You know, there are people who feel too much and those who feel too little, and the people that feel too much feel twice as much, for the people who feel too little.” Nurse finally says.

That’s… cryptic. “What?”

“You just shouldn’t get so caught up in your own head all the time. You’re a bright girl, and there’s plenty of time to figure everything out.”

“Really?” I ask flatly.

“Really,” he laughs. “Now this might hurt a little.”

He presses down hard on my kneecap, and I let out a sharp yelp.

“Told you.” He laughs.

_______________________________________________________________


“I think it was sweet of you,” Miki says, her back arched in downward dog.

“I don’t like change,” I reply with a stretch of my own. “What if we freak him out?”

“Then we’ll know he’s a pussy, no harm no foul as far as I’m concerned.”

I’m not really an impulsive person, but I can’t pretend that inviting Hisao to join our little group was a well thought out decision. I invited Akio to join us and look how that turned out. What if Hisao and Akio are cut from the same crap cloth?

“Who’s a pussy?”

The sudden interjection of a girlish voice from behind me sends my downward dog into a downward faceplant, and Miki bursts out laughing.

“Sorry,” Saki chuckles in a dignified but also dirty kind of way. It’s a classy and yet nasty kind of laugh, which is a mean thing for me to say but intrinsically true.

“Ms. Enomoto, to what do we owe the pleasure?” Miki asks in an overly formal joking manner.

“A girl can’t enjoy a lovely walk?”

Both Miki and I gesture to her cane, and Saki chuckles again.

“Okay, got me. I was hoping to speak with you and Taro mentioned you two do… this.”

“It’s called yoga,” I reply. “Well, I’m doing yoga, I don’t really know what Miki is doing.”

Miki scoffs and continues her stretching. I think she’s trying to demonstrate her mastery of yoga, but her form is all wrong and she looks constipated.

“So anyway, who’s a pussy?” Saki asks again, this time with a more serious expression.

“We were just discussing the new guy,” Miki explains.

“He’s a pussy?”

“No, well, maybe, but that’s not what we meant… you know what, never mind.” Evidently bored, Miki trails off. “What’s up anyway?”

“I was hoping to ask for your advice,” Saki begins, gesturing for my hand to help her lower down to the ground. I stop my stretch. “I’m sure Taro told you that he asked me out.”

Miki reaches over to grab her cane while I hold her arm firmly as she settles to the ground. Realistically, Miki should be the one helping her, because she’s deceptively heavy.

“Well, if you like him, my advice is to say yes,” Miki states bluntly as she resumes doing “yoga.” Saki looks to me, but I simply shrug in agreement.

“Life is short,” I say, and immediately feel a little guilty for saying that to someone like Saki who knows better than anyone else how short life can be on account of her condition. Huntington’s? No, some other degenerative disorder. Saki chuckles bleakly at the crude mantra.

“That’s precisely the problem, and yes, I do like him.”

I nod, but Miki shakes her head.

“Well, that’s stupid, you have to enjoy the time you have.” She finally gives up on her stretching and sits up beside us properly. “Taro’s a big boy, he knows what he’s getting into.”

This time Saki shakes her head.

“No, he doesn’t. Not even I know,” She laughs dryly, then sighs deeply.

“If you love something, let it go,” I add, and Miki shoots me a betrayed look.

“Is that how you feel, Suzu?” she asks with a noticeable frustration winding around her words. I shrug.

Saki just tilts her head quizzically at me.

“You’ve been in a similar situation?” She asks.

“No, not really.”

“Bullshit,” Miki says, before leaning back into the grass. “If you love something you fight like hell for it, and you make every minute of it as good as it can be for as long as it lasts.” I get the feeling she isn’t just talking about Saki anymore.

Saki ruminates on that for a while, and a quiet descends on the three of us as we sit silently looking out across the track to the treeline.

Nobody speaks or does anything except sit and watch the sunset behind the trees. It’s peaceful, but now awkwardness hangs in the air between me and Miki, with Saki sat in the middle of it both literally and figuratively.

“If you really don’t wanna date him, just let him down softly,” Miki finally says without looking at Saki. “But if I loved someone and they loved me, I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of it.”

“Have you ever been in love?” Saki asks, her voice a little quieter than it was when she first joined us.

“No, and frankly I’m not sure you have either, or you wouldn’t even hesitate, you’d just say yes.”

Saki winces at the harsh accusation. “I wish I could make him understand,” she replies timidly.

“You’re taking that opportunity away from him,” Miki says before getting up. She brushes the grass from her legs and offers Saki an outstretched hand, despite her clear frustration.

Saki accepts the help but clearly doesn’t intend to accept the advice.

“Well, thank you for your counsel regardless, I guess I have a lot to think about.”

Miki offers me her hand as well, but I brush it away and lie back in the grass with a sigh.

“Well, it’s back to the dorms for me I’m afraid,” Miki says, her mood clearly a bit tarnished by this whole interaction. I can’t say I’m in a great mood either, in fairness.

“I’ll catch you later then,” I nod at them both.

The two begin to potter off back towards the dorms, and Miki patiently slows her gait so that Saki can keep up with her. I faintly hear Miki mention again something about Taro, but honestly I’d rather just tune her out.

With the festival coming up there’s been a bit more of a hubbub around campus, and moments like this, even if coloured by an argument with Miki, enable me to relax a little away from the energy of the beehive.

I don’t exactly share Akio’s pessimism, but I can’t pretend I’m a fan of the festival either. Especially with Lelouch and Ikuno attending as a couple and Miki having mentioned that she wants to spend it with her brother.

I pull my knees close to my chest and look over the track, towards the horizon.

I can be a real jaded bitch sometimes.

Sometimes I can barely be real.

After maybe another thirty minutes, I pull myself up and head back to the dorm. Past the newly hung bunting. Past the first years gathered on the benches in front of the dormitories. Past the girls’ common room where Lelouch and I first kissed, almost a year and a half ago.

In my room, the incense has become a touch overpowering. I also left a candle burning before I went out with Miki.

I thumb out a text to Lelouch.

“Are we bad people?” I ask.

Even now, I want to kiss him. To feel his hands caress the small of my back, to feel his hands on my shoulders, my neck, my thighs.

Maybe if I sit here, in a room full of fumes and smells, I’ll purge the unshakeable bitterness from my heart.

There’s not enough incense in the world for that.

I stare at the faint green screen on my phone.

“I think so. You in your room?” Comes the reply.

I sit and wait for the knock.

________________________________________________________________

The steel belly of a plane cuts through the clouds above, this time interrupting the conversation with its tremendous vibrating roar.

“Twice in one lunch, it’s beginning to get on my nerves,” Akio moans, his grating voice adding to the cacophony of sounds that make today’s lunch extra aggravating. Lelouch watches the plane disappear with a sad curiosity, like a house cat watching a pigeon from behind a window. Ikuno leans against him, and he unfolds his arm to wrap around her shoulder. The sight makes me feel a flash of anger.

Beside me, the new kid Nakai is sitting resigned to an awkward silence. Having taken me up on my offer, he’s joined us for lunch and revealed several uninteresting bits of trivia about himself. He likes soccer but doesn’t play anymore. He likes to read but hasn’t read any of the classics. He’s from the city and Yamaku is a far cry from the city.

Like Lelouch, the new guy watches the plane disappear into the horizon with a sort of sad, wistful look on his face.

“I’m running the food club stall, I’m afraid,” Taro replies to what I can only presume was a question about his festival plans. “We have an ice-cream stall, and a copious amount of ice cream to shift.”

“Ah, so just you and me this year Suzu?” Akio asks, and the new guy beside me looks back down to earth. I lie back into the grass and try to pick out a piece of curry bread from between my teeth with my tongue. “Charming.” Akio takes my silence as a reply.

“What about you Hisao? Any plans for the festival? Any lucky ladies caught your eye?” Taro asks.

Hisao tunes back into the conversation with a visible jolt.

“Actually, Emi was asking if I wanted to join her and Rin, but I don’t know...” He trails off.

“Don’t know if you could spend a whole evening with Tezuka?” Miki asks with a laugh.

“Nothing like that, I just feel a bit like they’re only asking me out of pity…” Hisao answers whilst trailing off, realising mid-sentence that that’s exactly what he’s doing eating lunch with us.

“Everyone is the new kid at some point,” I say without sitting up. “Better that you have some options, or you’d end up spending it alone, or worse, with Akio.”

Everyone laughs aside from Akio, who just lets out a long sigh and I can only presume an exaggerated eye roll, since that’s his signature move. I don’t know though, since he’s sat all the way over there and I’m looking at some rather gorgeous clouds.

“Or you could get saddled with ‘happy hippy’ instead,” Akio retaliates, and I sit up in mock indignation.

Before I can say anything, Taro leaps to my defence. “Whoa Akio man, cool it with the cruelty for our lil sunshine girl.” He jokes.

“Yeah, what the hell Akio?” Miki leans towards him with her stump up. Probably not joking.

“Not cool man, not cool,” Ikuno adds, which doesn’t make me like her any more, but is kind of funny. She’s also too stupid to recognise Taro’s sarcasm.

Hisao has a bemused smile but doesn’t join in the ribbing. Probably a good call, as Akio looks like he’s about to cry.

Lelouch looks over to me with a half-amused smirk, and we share the smile. Ikuno reaches up and holds the hand he has draped over her shoulder, and I turn away.

I take another look up above where the canopy of leaves sway, where the clouds have been parted by the clinical slice of a plane.

“You know, I think it’ll be fun spending the festival together Akio,” I finally say, and there’s a deafening silence.

“Really?” Akio asks with a sad sort of uncertainty.

“Why not, I’ve got nothing else planned. Hisao can tag along too, if things with Ibrazaki don’t pan out.”

“Well, who’d have guessed they’d hear that today,” Taro laughs.

Miki leans over and punches me gently in the shoulder.

“That does sound a little out of character from you, sunshine,” she says, apparently cementing another nickname for me. It’s better than hippy at least. Still, I’m not entirely happy with the bitch reputation I seem to have established for myself.

Across from me, Lelouch shoots me a surprised look. Ikuno is completely oblivious to me now and is picking idly at a water bottle label. I briefly wish he was sat beside me, and the thought makes me feel a bit sick.

I brush the grass and other various detritus from my legs and begin to get up from the grass, much to Miki’s surprise.

“Got plans that need attending?” she asks, launching herself onto her feet and offering me an outstretched hand.

I accept the help, albeit more slowly than she just rocketed up.

“Just fancied stretching my legs,” I answer with an eyebrow raised in the direction of Lou and Ikuno. Miki follows the vague gesturing and narrows her eyes at me. I think that’s some kind of code.

“Room for a little one?”

“If she’s quiet,” I answer.

“Aren’t I always.”

I give a polite wave to the others still sitting down and notice Hisao staring absently into the distance.

“There’s room for two little ones, new kid,” I gently kick him.

He looks at the others and shrugs.

“Sure, are you two going to give me a tour?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Miki teases with a wink, helping him up as well and wrapping her arm around him. “Who knows what we have planned for you.”

Hisao laughs awkwardly, and I can faintly hear Taro muttering something about Hisao getting unlucky as we wander off in the direction of the classrooms.

Miki taps me on the shoulder, having released Hisao from her clutches.

“What is the plan for Mr. Nakai?” she whispers in my ear.

“I honestly have no idea, I just wanted to get out of there,” I reply at the same volume. Miki gives me a sympathetic smile.

“And so, we just committed a kidnapping?”

“I don’t think you can call it a kidnapping if he consents to it,” I reply.

“That’s definitely not the rule,” Miki replies whilst opening the door to the main building for the three of us. A second-year in a wheelchair exits before Miki can walk through. “Besides, I think he can hear us.”

Hisao raises an eyebrow and then turns to look at the various festival decorations, like he’s just been caught in the act.

“Sorry, I’m not actually well versed in the code of conduct when it comes to active kidnappings,” I whisper back before dropping all semblance of secrecy. “Also, Hisao isn’t a child, he’s ready to see the big bad world of Yamaku.”

At the mention of his name, Hisao tunes back into the conversation.

“Well, I’ve already got a grip on most of the school thanks to Shizune and Misha,” he protests.

Miki laughs again and pats him on the back. Apparently a bit too firmly, since he grabs his chest.

“That was the lame tour,” she starts. “We’re going to show you all the places you’re not supposed to go.”

I look at my watch and it seem Hisao has the same idea.

“In the last fifteen minutes of lunch?” he asks.

“We only need ten.”

_______________________________________________________________

I stretch upwards and lift my right leg.

The impromptu tour was a bit of a let down for poor Hisao, but on the plus side, Miki and I got to tell him all kinds of exciting stories about our friends and the unwritten history of Yamaku, like who kissed who and where the students secretly drinking hang out. He even let down his guard and told us some stories of his own, from his previous school, but I tuned out a bit.

Sometimes I wonder if the most exciting things about me are the people I’ve met. If the story of me is one of the peripheries, where I’ll just be a not very exciting footnote in someone else’s story. Maybe I’ll get a mention in Miki’s story as a famous track star, or in Taro’s cookbook, or maybe even in Lelouch’s book of poetry; but no one will ever write a story about me. I can’t tell if that thought makes me sad, or a little relieved, that being a nobody is okay. Most people are nobodies, after all. Maybe Hisao is the same, in that he’s a little uninteresting.

That’s the problem with these oddly exceptional people. They make the rest of us normal people look bad. Okay, well maybe normal isn’t the right word to describe myself, health-wise.

Emi Ibrazaki, the prompt for my reflections, rockets past me again as she runs laps on the track.

“That makes two people,” a voice comes from behind me, scaring the ever-loving shit out of me and sending me crashing to the ground.

“Ho- where the hell did you come from?” I ask the unarmed assailant.

The girl towers above me. A giant, no armed goliath. She looks right through me.

“My room. Do you often watch her running?” The girl brushes off my question and proceeds to stare into my eyes, not like she’s looking for anything in particular but like there’s something behind me more interesting. “I can’t help you up. No arms.”

I know who this girl is, the ‘funny by existence’ girl. She’s not actually funny, she’s just weird, and maybe a bit lonely.

“I know. And no I don’t, I’m just out here doing yoga and she whizzes past me.” I prop myself on my elbows but don’t get up. I don’t think this girl is bothered by manners anyway.

“That’s a shame. I collect people. I thought I had another one of Emi’s stalkers.” With that, the girl stops looking at me and begins walking in the direction of the track.

I follow her with my eyes and can’t help but ask.

“Another stalker? As in she has a stalker already?”

The strange girl turns back towards me, the sleeves where her arms should be tied and hanging limply in the wind.

“The pink haired girl, she stands just there.”

It’s not clear where there is meant to demonstrate.

“Is this a frequent occurrence?” I ask.

“Enough. More than you.”

“Ok then,” I finally say, satisfied with the blood I’ve drawn from this stone.

“You share a look,” the girl says, finally seeming to look at me rather than through me.

I take another look at Ibrazaki as she runs.

“Not that one,” the girl says.

I turn my head up to her quizzically.

“Not that one either.”

“I don’t have a look.” I resign from the conversation and lie back in the grass, closing my eyes in the hope that this odd person will leave me alone. It sort of half does the trick, seeing as how she stops commenting on my expressions, but she doesn’t leave.

Its probably only over the course of several minutes, but it feels as if a month passes with this girl staring at me. I can faintly hear Ibrazaki running laps in the distance. I open my eyes just in time to see the sun beginning to set and bring my knees up to my chest.

Before I would sit here with Miki, I’d sit here with Lelouch. That was before I fell in love with him, I think.

And I think that’s the first time I’ve admitted that.

“That look,” comes the statement I should have seen coming.

“It’s just my face,” I reply, but that’s a lie.

“Emi says you don’t feel things.”

I sigh and look back to the setting sun.

“I feel things. I feel everything.”

“I know,” the girl replies.

___________________________________________________________________________

Next

Hope and desire, / All unfulfilled, / Have more than rope / And hangman killed.
Stevie Smith

Here we are. The three musketeers. The three amigos.

Three complete strangers.

“So, where do you want to go first, Nakai?” Akio asks, tapping his foot impatiently.

Ahead of us, dozens of people mill about between festival stalls. Strings of dim lights hang and sway a little in the evening breeze, and the smell of various fried and unhealthy foods fill the air. There’s a low hum from one of the stall’s speakers too, but no music yet.

“Well, I said I’d meet up with Emi a bit later,” Hisao replies, scratching his chin pensively. “I can’t imagine she’ll want to eat any fried food, so if I’m going to have some, it should probably be with you two.”

Akio laughs and gives him a gentle pat on the back. They both share a laugh, albeit an awkward one, and Hisao looks to me. Still, it’s Akio who talks.

“You alright with fried food Suzu?”

“I’m just along for the ride.”

“Then strap in, you’re with the boys tonight,” Akio laughs.

The three of us walk together at various speeds. I occasionally have to stop and wait for Hisao, who tries to hide his distaste for crowds by shuffling behind Akio and me. He also routinely places his hand against his chest. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that he’s got something wrong with his lungs, or his heart.

Well, it’s none of my business.

It doesn’t take us too long to find a food stall serving tempura that looks like it would at least partially pass a health and safety inspection. We would have found the stall sooner, but Akio insisted that we stop by the art club’s stand for no other reason than to ridicule some friend of his. It was painfully awkward.

With our food in hand, we manage to squeeze onto a table just shy of the main thoroughfare. I scan the crowd but don’t see any familiar faces. Beside me, Akio is probing Hisao about the same old questions Miki already interrogated him with on our tour.

“I guess I’m just finding it hard being… different,” he admits, and Akio laughs obnoxiously.

“Well, count your lucky stars that you don’t look different; some people don’t have that luxury.”

Hisao goes a bit red, obviously embarrassed about being a touch insensitive. Not to Akio mind you, I don’t think you’d even know he had osteoporosis if it wasn’t for his occasional cast, or the fact that you could probably tear the guy in two with a strong gust of wind.

Akio continues.

“Or you could be like Happy here,” he gives me a nudge. “You ought to see her have one of her cataplexy attacks; it’s like watching a soul leave a body.” Akio laughs at his own joke.

“Thanks,” I say, and Hisao looks at me with pity.

“I can’t even imagine what its like,” Hisao takes a breath, finding the right words. “Not being able to really show your emotions like that.”

Akio chortles again. I think he thinks we’re all having a good time.

“It doesn’t bother Suzu, haven’t you heard the rumours about her? The girl who doesn’t feel; the ice queen right here.” He laughs again and Hisao looks how I feel.

“Thanks Akio,” I pat him hard on the back and he nearly coughs up a piece of shrimp. “Its nice of you to tell the new guy all about how much of a bitch I am.”

“I didn’t mean it like th –“

“And it’s nice of you to tell him about how much of a freak I am when I short-circuit,” I interrupt him. “You’re a real nice guy for that.”

It goes quiet on the table, unsurprisingly.

“Well, you saved me from the student council, so, you’re alright in my book.” Hisao basically whispers. Akio looks on like a dog that’s just been smacked on the nose.

“You didn’t really need saving,” I reply. “They’re only half as bad as people say they are. You know, when I met Misha, she was actually completely different.”

“Was her hair still pink?” Hisao asks.

“No, it was brown. She had a different smile too.”

“A different smile?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t so…” I chew on the words a bit. “It wasn’t so fake.”

Hisao strokes his chin. I suppose most people don’t notice this kind of thing, but I know when someone is faking their emotions. That’s my game, she’s just a tourist.

“What happened?” he asks.

I consider answering that, but I only have conjecture really. It’s a fairly accepted mythology that Misha had a thing with another girl, and that things didn’t quite work out. From conversations with Miki, and from a bizarre encounter with that no armed girl, I think I know who with. Maybe Hisao will find out from her.

“I don’t know, but like I said, she’s only half as bad as people say. She’s also half as honest now.” I say.

Hisao shoots me a curious look.

“And you’re only half as cold as they say you are.”

I turn to face the voice behind me. Thankfully it’s some feminine presence. Well, partly.

Taro looks down at me with a beaming smile. On his arm is Saki, her long blonde hair basically entangling them.

“Room for us?” Taro asks, offering Hisao a fist-bump that he is woefully unprepared for.

Akio chuckles, apparently grateful for the break in atmosphere.

“Always,” I answer, and motion for Akio to budge up.

“Things sounded a little serious for a second there,” Saki probes. “Everybody getting along ok?”

Hisao rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, drawing Taro and Saki’s eyes to us.

“Sorry about them,” Taro interjects. “They fight, but they love each other really.”

I hope that isn’t what everyone thinks.

“Yeah, sorry Hisao.” Akio adds.

I’ve said it before, but Taro’s presence amongst the boys at Yamaku is like he’s some sort of underboss. Everyone is quick to listen to him, and I’ve never seen anyone question him about any decision he makes. I don’t know how that reputation started, or why he took such a shining to Miki and me, but I secretly love it.

I clear my throat.

“Sorry Suzu,” Akio adds again.

“So Hisao, how’re you enjoying the festival so far?” Saki asks.

I catch Taro’s eyes and give him a wink. He offers a wide smile in return, like a man who’s finally heard the answer he’s been longing to hear.

“I thought you were manning the cooking stall? What happened to all your ice cream?” I ask him.

“Turns out there’s no such thing as too much ice cream; we sold out pretty early.”

“In time for the fireworks,” I smile. He takes a long look at Saki beside him.

I read somewhere that your physiology changes when you’re around the people you love. That being near a loved one can reduce your blood pressure, your heart rate, even the effects of ageing. With Taro beaming at Saki, it’s hard not to believe something like that is true.

To feel like that, it’s a feeling I wish I weren’t familiar with.

If being in love can save you, then falling out of it can kill. If not all of you, then a part of you.

But who ever died of a broken heart? That’s not real. A broken heart doesn’t kill you, it just makes death feel like a preferable alternative.

There are two types of people, Nurse said, there are two kinds of people…

I look to Hisao, who seems to have relaxed a bit now and is happily discussing his hobbies with Saki. Akio looks a bit bored beside me.

On the path before us, the main route for the festival goers, there are swathes of people. The dark has started to settle now, and a few paper lanterns dot the sky. I’d say they’re a touch premature, but they do look pretty against the purple of the evening sky.

The festival is quite beautiful, even if it can be a bit over the top for my liking.

From one surge of people, Ibrazaki and that weird girl from the other day emerge.

“There you are Hisao, I looked all over!”

Hisao quickly turns around to see his double amputee ambush. But even with his neck craned to face her, I can make out the smile on his face. That’s sweet.

“Hello again,” the weird one says.

“Hello,” I reply.

Everyone looks at us, quietly confused.

“Again?” Emi asks. “You two hang out?”

“She was at the track. We spoke,” the girl answers.

“We did,” I agree, in a similarly flat voice.

“Well, this must be what happens when worlds collide,” Akio adds glibly. Taro spares him a laugh, and Saki just looks confused.

“Shouldn’t you be watching the mural, Rin?” Hisao asks. Maybe that’s his attempt to get some one on one with the little legless wonder. It’s also the first time I’ve heard Rin's name.

“Watching it do what?” she asks. Emi just smiles understandingly. She probably knows better than anyone that conversations with this girl are exhausting.

“Never mind.”

“How have you enjoyed the festival so far Hisao?” Emi asks.

That must be the fiftieth time someone has asked him that.

Taro and Akio start chatting about something as Hisao fills Emi in on all the things we got up to. It’s not a long conversation, given that Akio and I are not the most exciting festival goers, and that Hisao has gotten pretty good at summing up his adventure by now.

Saki stares off into the festival blankly. Her hands suddenly grip Taro’s firmly, and he follows her gaze.

Taro’s eyes briefly widen, and then he quickly looks back to me. He reaches across the table to grab my arms, but my curiosity demands satisfaction.

Following the direction of their focus, I see Lelouch and Ikuno.

Ikuno wraps her arm around his waist.
She looks up at him, the same way I used to look up at him.

His hand reaches down to brush the hair behind her ear, the same way he’d brush mine.

She stands on her tip toes. The lanterns and LEDs sway dutifully above them. I swallow a surge of rising bile..

Amongst the crowds, they wouldn’t stand out to anyone else. But to me, the world is blurred in the background.

Perfect silhouettes, spot lit and frozen against infinity. I want to gouge my own eyes out.

I feel a squeeze on my hand.

They kiss, and my heart stops beating.

Every impossible reality and definite possibility come colliding, panes of shattering cascading glass. Waves and waves, towering and submerging in on themselves. I feel it all, his lips against mine, his hand enveloped in my own. And I feel it ripped away from me.

And then my heart restarts.

“What’s up?” I ask Taro.

He looks at me, confused. But lets go. Both Taro and Saki stare intently at me.

“Nothing, just checking in on you.” Taro eventually says.

“I’m fine,” I reply.

Beside me, Akio plays with a coin in his hand. I feel a tap on my shoulder.

Hisao, having gotten up from the table, leans maybe a touch too close for comfort.

“Thank you for hanging out with me Suzu,” he says quietly, so as to not be heard by Akio or Emi. “You’re a nice person.”

I give him a reassuring smile.

“No, I’m really not,” I say with that same smile. “I just pitied you.”

The look of confusion and hurt on his face would make me feel bad if I was capable of feeling anything. Good thing I’m a cold, calculating, bitch.

“Come on Akio, let’s get a good spot for the fireworks.”

Taro and Saki shoot me a perplexed look. Whatever. Akio looks pleased at least, and it’s clear he hasn’t caught on to the cute couple’s concern.

“Sure, do any of you guys want to join us?” He asks.

Emi and Hisao share a mildly uneasy look, but the odd one, Rin, just looks right through me again. Saki looks as if she might say something, but Taro shakes his head.

“And interrupt our date?” I tease, and Akio goes a bit red in the cheeks.

“Date? I’m not sure I…” I smile with a wide beam at him.

“Suzu,” Taro starts. “Don’t.”

“Come on Akio.”

I grab him by the wrist, and with a sort of pathetic yelp he complies. We pass by Emi and Rin and quickly fall into the stream of people surging upriver towards the benches that boast the best view of the festival’s firework display.

“What do you mean a date?” Akio asks, still being essentially yanked through the throngs of people.

“I mean, why else do you think I asked you to join me for the festival?” I lie.

“I thought you kind of hated me,” he basically whimpers.

“Did no one ever teach you that when girls fancy a boy, they tease them, pull their hair or whatever?”

“That’s what they say about little kids, Suzu. Specifically boys, I think.”

We reach the end of the path. A few people have taken seats on benches, others have made makeshift picnics on the field. A smattering of people are standing, chatting in groups. I grab Akio by the shoulders.

“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been trying it on with my friends. Now that a girl finally shows some interest, you’re not into it?”

The perplexed look on his face is priceless, but also a bit pitiable.

“But, Lelouch…”

“What about him?” I ask, forcing a disingenuous smile.

“He’s my friend, and you’re his…”

“We never dated.” No lie this time. “We were never anything more than you and I are right now.”

Akio takes a deep breath.

“I know when I’m being used, Suzu,” he finally answers. This might be the first time I’m genuinely a little attracted to him.

A member of the staff announces that the fireworks will be starting soon, but Akio’s angry eyes stay locked in a deadly dance with mine.

I want him, if for no other reason than to feel something. Maybe it’s because he was the closest available thing. Or maybe its because he’s Lou’s friend. Or maybe I do secretly want him.

I want, and that’s all I know.

I lean up to him and wrap my hand around the back of his head. He’s a little shorter than I’m used to.

With our lips mere millimetres from his I ask him a question in the sultriest voice I can manage.

“Do you want to be a good friend right now, or do you want to be with me right now?”

His hands timidly find my hips, and he answers with a kiss. It’s clumsy, like someone who hasn’t kissed anyone before, and our lips just sort of smack together desperately.

“Forget the fireworks,” I whisper, our foreheads still limply resting against one another.

Akio’s hand in mine, we pass downstream, the only couple heading away from the fireworks instead of toward them. Some of the faces that pass are like blank canvases, some are laughing, smiling, chatting. Others, students from my year group, shoot me confused looks, their faces becoming a mural of judgement against me.

I check back on Akio. His face is unreadable. No excitement, or even anticipation. The face of a man who knows he’s just betrayed everyone and everything he thought he was.

Sometimes you regret things, and they haunt you. Sometimes you regret things as you do them, but it’s just too late to stop.

Look around Suzu, you’re missing all the good stuff.

We don’t pass by Ibarazaki and the new kid. Nor do we see Miki and her brother, or Taro and Saki.

No sight of Lou and Ikuno either. That’s honestly a bit of a shame, but word has a way of getting around, so they’ll know soon enough.

We enter the girls’ dormitories in total silence. Everyone is out for the festival, so I don’t bother trying to sneak Akio anywhere.

Up the stairs, and down the hall, I fiddle with my keys in anticipation.

“Suzu, wait,” Akio finally says. He’s shaking. “I’ve never…” He trails off. “This is a mistake.”

“What’s one more?” I ask, turning the lock and opening the door.

I enter my room, the smell of sage a reassurance and the light from outside casting shapes and shadows all over me.

Akio stands in the door, illuminated by the golden hallway light behind him.

I take a step towards him and place my hand against his chest.

“No one will ever give you anything in this world,” I say. “You have to take what you want.”

He bites his lip. Honestly, he looks as if he might cry.

I stand on my tip toes and whisper in his ear.

“Take, Akio.”

Finally, he laughs.

“Fuck the world, huh?”

“Fuck the world,” I reply and drag him into the darkness with me.

He kisses me with more confidence than before, already a fraction better than he was outside. Likely grateful for the privacy. His hands fumble around my body. He grabs like some kind of goblin at my ass, my boobs, then his hands settle on my back.

With my hand still on his chest, I guide him to my bedroom wall. He lets out a small grunt, and I grab his hand, placing it between my legs under my skirt.

His fingers move without experience, not really doing anything for me. I reach down and lay one of my fingers over his, guiding him to the right spot. My other hand grabs his neck, pulling him down to kiss the side of my neck. He sloppily kisses down the left side of my neck.

“Suck, Akio,” I command, and he complies.

Leaving his fingers, I reach across to his trousers and run my hand a few times over the bulge of his crotch. His belt comes off easily, and soon I find my fingers wrapped around him. He lets out a satisfied groan.

“That feels nice Suzu.” He tries to sound manly, but his voice cracks.

He finds his confidence again with his fingers, until we’re both making grunts and moans, kissing each other’s necks against the wall. I guide him over to the bed and pull my skirt off. He pulls his trousers to his ankles and nearly falls over trying to get out of them.

The first firework explodes outside of my window. There’s no view from my room save for the cycling colours of light that creep in at the edge of the night sky.

We both undress completely, splashes of colour lapping on our bodies.

Kneeling at the end of my bed, his cock in his hand, Akio cycles between blue, red, and green edges.

I reach into the bedside table and toss him a condom. I don’t exactly blame him for being unprepared.

He struggles with it, whilst I lay before him, my fingers working myself over as I watch him.

“Hurry, Akio,” I moan. One of my hands between my legs and the other on my breast.

“I’m trying,” he pants, “I can’t figure this out.”

I sit up and grab the condom from him, placing the top of it against the head of his dick and unrolling it down the length. He releases another groan but goes a bit red with embarrassment. He places one hand on my ankle and another on my waist, lifting me slightly.

It doesn’t take long for him to enter me, a little too hard at first and I whimper. “This isn’t one of your porno mags, gently does it,” I say through gritted teeth.

“Sorry.”

He leans over me and kisses my neck again. The pain goes away almost immediately, though he lacks any kind of technique or rhythm. He does go a little slower and eventually settles into a rhythm as I rock my hips against him, but I still don’t get much from him and start using my fingers to help me get there.

“Am I doing something wrong?” he asks between grunts. But it’s starting to feel good with my own help.

“No, keep going.” I close my eyes.

His thrusting becomes more regular, and his hands start to play with my breasts, his thumb flicking over my nipples.

I feel a first wave of genuine pleasure and let out a moan.

“Lou.” I whisper.

I say his name like an incantation, summoning him on top of me, inside me.

I feel myself getting closer, but then it slips away again, the timing interrupted, the movement halted.

Akio tries desperately to get the rhythm back; I look up to see his eyes closed as well as he thrusts into me. His lips mutter inaudibly. An incantation of his own, a name I can’t make out.

That’s all we are, two people, in love with other people, and we can’t even give each other some basic animal pleasure.

Eventually, both unsatisfied, he pulls out of me and falls backwards onto his butt.

We sit together for a while, both completely naked, covered in our own sweat but devoid of any pleasure. He holds his limp dick in his hand. The colours from the fireworks spill in, the only sign of life in a room of sepia tones.

“We can’t even be good at being bad people,” Akio laughs bitterly.

I offer him a dry smile.

“It’s the thought that counts,” I reply. “Sorry I took your first.”

He starts getting up and slithering back into his clothes, and I join him.

“Don’t worry about it, I knew it was a mistake and I did it anyway.” He pauses for a moment, half dressed, with his shirt in his hand and his belt undone. “Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do, and I promise myself I won’t make the same unique mistakes.”

“But here we are,” I say.

“But here we are,” he admits sadly. “Molly, Miki, you…”

Another firework bleeds into the sky, a final decisive bang.

“Just things to obsess over, convenient lies,” he whispers, maybe more to himself than to me. “Just shapes to fill a lack.”

He buttons his shirt and opens the door.

“Two empty shapes,” I whisper.

“That’s us,” he agrees. “Two empty spaces where people are supposed to go.”

Maybe Akio isn’t so bad after all.

The door shuts behind him, and no more colour claws its way in.

______________________________________________________________

I reach up, my fingers opening and closing, grasping the setting sun between them, and imagine it disappearing within them.

With a deep breath, I stretch down to my toes. I feel the water that makes me slosh around inside, and the sun I just imprisoned cooks me from the inside.

I still feel a little unsatisfied after last night, but an early morning stretch before classes sometimes helps. Sometimes.

“Found you,” comes a voice from behind. I look up through my legs to see Taro and Miki standing there, looking cross. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Miki asks. Taro just looks a little sad.

Miki sighs and drags her hand down her face.

“Have you lost your mind Suzu?” she asks, her face wearing a mixture of anger and confusion.

She sits down and motions for me to sit beside her, and I silently comply.

Taro sits on the other side of me. I can’t read him at all, but I expect he’s disappointed in me. I can vaguely detect a hint of anger in him too. I wish I had my mood ring.

Miki sighs again and wraps her arm around me, pulling me into a big hug.

“I know you’ve been hurting,” she starts. “I’m sorry if I haven’t -” she looks over at Taro. “If we haven’t been there for you as much as we should have been.”

“But what the hell, Suzu,” Taro finally says, a look of complete bewilderment on his face. “A load of second and first years saw you heading back holding his hand, the rumour mill took all of about three minutes to churn a sordid story out.”

He leans back on his good arm. It’s funny, but I’ve never really noticed how he and Miki kind of complement each other, with a pair of good arms between them.

“You know what Akio is like, he probably likes you. We both know you don’t feel the same.” Miki comments.

“You shouldn’t play with people’s feelings like that,” Taro says.

“I’m not worried about Akio falling in love with me,” I speak for the first time in this conversation, or rather, lecture.

“You shouldn’t play with Lelouch’s feelings then,” Taro says, this time a little quieter. “You know Akio is… rather, was his best friend.”

I feel a pang of guilt and another, equal, pang of satisfaction. “He hurt me first,” I reply.

Miki smacks me gently on the back of my head. “Akio might be a dick, but screwing up his friendship just to get back at a guy who won’t date you isn’t exactly fair, Suzu.”

Uh oh. I know I’m in trouble when she gets all stern like that. “I didn’t force him to fuck me,” I say, gritting my teeth a little.

“And being a dick to the new guy?” Taro asks. “Tell me, did that make you feel better?”

I shrug and lie back on the grass. For the first time, I feel a sting at the edge of my vision. A tear, I think.

“We’re not trying to upset you, Suzu,” Miki says reassuringly. “I guess we just don’t get it.”

“I guess not,” I whisper, and Taro lets out a deep guttural sigh. I feel something inside me frothing up, the waters inside churn and bubble. If only I hadn’t swallowed the sun.

“Help us to understand,” Taro pleads, his hand reaching out to hold my own.

I tell them how Lelouch used to hold me. How he would write poems about us, ‘the fateless two’, he would call us. How it was me, not Ikuno, who would run my finger up and down over his chest in the early morning. How he would seldom speak to anyone but with me, he would talk and talk and talk.

How it felt and could have been with him. How I felt as if I could laugh a genuine laugh, cry a genuine tear, how my cataplexy couldn’t reach me when I was wrapped up within him. How we could sit on the windowsill of my room counting stars, cars, lightning strikes… How I fell utterly and completely in love with him over the course of a year.

They smile along at the pleasant memories, Taro’s surprise at how little he really knew makes me feel a bit warm inside, and Miki looks as if she might cry.

I tell them the truth. How the feeling wasn’t entirely mutual. How Lou couldn’t speak and how I couldn’t feel, and how that made us an impossibility. How our physical connection was enough for him, how the feeling of being inside me wasn’t worth the price of being with me. Taro’s smile quickly turns to anger, and he asks if I’m okay.

But then the feelings overpower me, the tears burst from me and my neck flies back, my arms shoot out and my legs stretch and contort as if they might pop out of their sockets, shaking violently.

A prisoner behind my eyes, my fears are realised. I watch Miki and Taro from below. Their sympathetic and sad looks boring into my mind.

I feel everything, again and again and again. My tears, my spit and vomit. My piss. I feel it all, as everything in becomes out and everything out comes rushing in.

Eyes wide open, the sky flickers orange. I watch the clouds morph and dance, a cruel trick plays. Lou and Ikuno, in pillowy white figures, freeze forever in a kiss.

Then, a loud rupture, the sound of a jet. It pierces them; severs them in two.

Through the blurred edges of the world, a touch of colour re-appears.

The world is a theatre, each of us have our parts to play. And then, there are the curtains. The set reflects the performance.

Then there are good and bad actors.

The chorus, they chant somewhere in the distance.

Unable to close my eyes, I watch the clouds collide.

I remain, a twitching empty shape.

___________________________________________________________

I watch the ceiling fan slowly rotate. It’s warm in here, so the fan proves ultimately useless.

“Been a while since I had you in against your will,” Nurse teases. “To what or to whom do I owe the pleasure?”

I fake laugh.

I wasn’t dragged here or anything. My attack only lasted a few minutes, but Miki said she’d break my other heart, whatever that means, if I didn’t get changed and come with her to the nurse’s office. I can hear her tapping her foot impatiently outside the door.

I guess I kind of was dragged here.

“So, what triggered it this time?” He asks more seriously this time, pulling out a clipboard and scouring through his notes. “Haven’t been watching scary movies again, have you?”

“No scary movies,” I shrug. “I don’t know what caused it.”

“Liar,” comes a shout from outside of the door.

Nurse raises an eyebrow at me.

“As a reminder, these appointments are strictly confidential, Miss Miura.”

“Okay fine, it was a lie,” I say.

He laughs.

“So, really now, what happened?”

I offer another shrug.

“I made the mistake of falling in love with someone who doesn’t love me back, doc.”

“- An asshole, doc,” comes another shout through the door. That one was Taro.

Nurse’s face gets serious for a moment as he tries to determine the owner of the other voice.

Before he can say anything witty, I lower my voice as to not be overheard and ask him a question.

“What’s the cure for a broken heart?”

He leans a little closer to meet me, setting his clipboard aside.

“Time, I’m afraid.”

“There’s no medication? How about something to just make me stop feeling, anything? Morphine?” I plead with him, only half joking.

“I wouldn’t give you anything, even if such a thing existed.” Bastard. “Feelings demand to be felt, miss Suzuki. If you could really turn them off, you wouldn’t be human anymore.”

“They already think that about me,” I reply.

Nurse puts his pen to his lip and chews on the thought.

“You think your friends would drag you here if they really thought that?”

He starts filling out the paperwork on the board. Asking me question after question about my attack. It’s all bureaucracy, nothing that will ever really change anything else. I’ll always be cataplexic and narcoleptic, there’s just no changing that. There’s never really a miracle drug.

“Can I offer you some free advice?” Nurse asks, his eyes still glued to the paperwork.

“All of your advice is free,” I reply dryly, eliciting another chuckle from him.

“True, but this one doesn’t come from my medical experience, it comes from my personal experiences.”

I sit forward and give him my full attention.

“Feelings demand to be felt, and they also demand to be voiced.”

“Life’s short,” I reply in a whisper.

“That’s the sad truth really, even for the healthy amongst us.” He sits back like a wide old sage. “Life is meant to be lived.”

“Sometimes I feel as if I’m this big empty jug, like all of the goodness in me just keeps spilling out over every bump and turn.”

“We all feel like that sometimes,” he replies. “We are these big empty vessels because life is meant to fill it up. We’re supposed to fill our journey with every experience, mistake, and broken heart we can manage, and then, at the end of a long and healthy life, we’re meant to let it go.” I think most people here would say something like that without the inclusion of a ‘long and healthy life’, but that’s Nurse for you.

“What’re you telling me to do?” I ask him, almost a whimper.

“I’m not telling you to do anything. Just that words and feelings have a weight, and sometimes setting them free is the only thing we can do.” He winks. “To lighten the load, as it were.”

To lighten the load...

I think about Akio, about his apparent identity crisis in my doorframe. About Misha, a ghost according to Rin, who haunts the track watching Ibrazaki. I think about the new kid, how his smile lit up when he noticed Emi, how he thanked me. I think about Taro and Saki, their hands gripping one another.

“I don’t wanna be in love,” I tell him.

He laughs.

“Love can be a terrible thing,” he begins. “It can make people do cruel things, and it can make you lose sight of who you are. And it can be hard, when we find out we fell in love with the wrong person.”

I feel hot tears on my cheeks again, and Nurse produces a pack of tissues for me.

“What do I do now?” I ask him.

Nurse leans back in his office chair, and for a moment it looks like he might tumble backwards off of it.

“Well, you have friends just outside the door. Why not start there?”

I give him a nod and get up from the bed.

“There’s more than one secret to happiness,” he says. “I think you asked me about that before.”

He gives me a reassuring smile. I think he’s a touch paternal.

“Love is but one of many, and there are others. Let it in, let it go.”

I give him a short bow and open the door.

A warm golden light envelops me, like stepping out into heaven or something. A sudden realisation hits me. It’s like I’ve been underwater all this time, with these vague shapes moving just above the surface and out of reach. No one is going to yank me out from the depths. I must swim.

I open the door to find Miki and Taro sitting on chairs. They give me a concerned look but quickly follow along. I hear Nurse shout something to Miki behind me, but I keep pressing on. Down the corridor, out the door.

“Where are we going?” Taro asks, a little out of breath.

“The dorms.” I reply, without even looking. “I need to talk to Lelouch.”

Past the female dormitory and through the festival decorations that have yet to come down, I find myself facing the male dormitory, with a small gaggle of what looks to be first year girls chatting in front of the main doors.

“Is this a good idea?” Taro asks.

“I have to know,” I reply.

Miki places her hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

“We’ll be here if you need us.”

I push past the girls at the door and head for the lift, picking at my fingernails and the skin around them in anticipation and fear. Everything everywhere has been hinging on a moment.

Everything is moving painfully slowly; the elevator doors open like they do in horror films. I half expect some ghostly figure to start sprinting towards me while I repeatedly press the button.

Finally, the doors close and then open on Lelouch’s floor. It’s empty, and there’s only that low buzzing sound from the lights.

I knock firmly on his door and feel my heart jump up to my throat.

He opens the door with a surprised sort of expression. He looks past me, down the corridor. He was probably expecting Ikuno.

Lelouch motions towards his watch, as if to suggest I skedaddle before Ikuno arrives.

I reach up and pull him into a kiss. His eyes stay open the whole time.

He pulls away from me and scowls as if to say, ‘what do you want?’ anger clear in his eyes.

“I need you to listen to me,” I tell him, and he sighs, but says nothing. Offering me his hand with a gentle grip.

“I want you,” I start. “Don’t you see Lou; it isn’t just a physical thing for me. I’m in love with you. I’ve never been in love with anyone before, but I know it’s love with you because I can’t stop myself from telling you. I don’t feel so separate from the world when we’re together. It’s like with you I can be more me and without you, I’m slowly spilling out into the world.” I take a breath. “Our friends, our classmates, they starve themselves of love because they think it’s a mercy, or because they think they don’t deserve to be loved. Or they’re so caught up in their own fear that they can’t break through to just say the simple truth, the simple truth that I love you Lelouch. I love you. Hell, what else is there than that?” Another breath, and a pause. “I can’t keep coming here and doing the same old dance with you, behind my back, behind Miki’s, behind Ikuno’s… I can’t keep being this person, it’s killing me. I can’t play this game where I hurt you and you fall in love with someone else, to hurt me. So, either you love me too, or you hate me, because I can’t stay in this doorway forever, and I can’t keep being this same terrible person.”

Lelouch takes a long, deep breath. Squeezes my hand, and then lets it go again.

“I know.” He whispers. Behind his eyes I see two great waves collide. “We deserve each other, really.” It takes a few moments for every word to come out, he chews on the syllable. I could wait forever. “I could never hate you.”

He pulls me into a hug, his hands on my back. It feels reassuring.

“But I don’t love you, either,” he says, almost a whisper. An answer I already knew.

My heart splits in two, and my tears fall onto him.

“There’s no future for us,” he finally says after long deliberation. “Maybe not even alone; but certainly not together.”

“Then it’s goodbye,” I say. My arms wrap around the back of him.

“It always ends with goodbye,” he finally says, my head buried in the crook of his neck.

We embrace in the quiet, the beasts inside of us quelled, if only for now.

Eventually, the silence is severed by the soft chime of the elevator door.

We divide.

“Suzu? What’re you doing here?” Ikuno asks. “Are you okay?”

“Leaving.” Lelouch answers for me.

I look at her wordlessly. She exists blurrily, like someone who isn’t real.

“I’ve never seen you cry before,” Ikuno states sadly. “Are you guys having an argument?”

“No argument here,” I answer and walk past her down the corridor to the elevator.

“Suzu, hang on,” Ikuno asks after me, but stays firmly in the doorway I was just occupying.

The elevator doors close, for once, on time. Leaving me looking into the sleek reflection against the cold steel.

I stare at the blurred edges of my reflection.

I command the tears to stop.

The girl trapped in my reflection isn’t really me. A heterotopic, anthropogenic version of me, simultaneously trapped in the past and blind to it. How can I tell her who I am? We touch, and she’s cold.

The elevator door chimes, tearing me in half. I step back out into the lobby of the boys’ dormitory. A warm golden light envelops me, like stepping out into heaven or something.

There’s a small smattering of first and second year boys, chatting idly. There are even some girls, the flirtatious variety. They pay little attention to me, but a few of them give me dirty looks.

Out the front door of the dorms, I’m immediately greeted by Miki and Taro. My return can only indicate one thing, and frankly, they look relieved.

“Did you say what you needed to say, Suzu?” Taro asks carefully, tossing words into the air and fearing they might come crashing down around him. I guess that’s happened a lot lately.

“I think so,” I say, wiping the corners of my eyes with my sleeve. “What’s the word for when you feel as if saying something just made you lighter?”

“Catharsis,” Miki answers. Taro and I shoot her a look of surprise. “What?”

“Well, let that be the end of that then,” Taro states rather abruptly. “We’ve better things to be doing.”

I can’t help but let out a genuine laugh at his rather unsatisfying conclusion to my love life, one genuine laugh of very few lately.

“What sort of things?” I ask.

Miki also raises an eyebrow, and the hint of a smile tugs at her edges.

“You think I wouldn’t hoard a bit of festival ice cream for later?”

I laugh again. Taro really is a bit of a hero.

Miki places a hand on my shoulder.

‘It’ll all be okay in the end Suzu,’ Miki smiles at me before taking my hand in her one good one. ‘And if it’s not, then it isn’t really the end.’

________________________________________________________

when all that is, and all that’s ever been, /collapses into everything else and is remade, /our paths will cross, however briefly, and /our terminus become a junction.
Epilogue, Oliver Tearle

Another plane tears across the sky, leaving fractions of cloud from one corner of the window to the other. That one is an F-15J, according to Takashi, who would be a better conversationalist if he didn’t constantly regale you with these boring facts.

It’s also one of the last planes we’ll see for a while. Mr Mutou said something about it earlier, about how the military base was moving them all, and about how everything is always in constant motion, including politics. Whatever that means.

He’s right though. Everything is always in motion.

I take a look at our teacher, he’s practically asleep. He’s clearly more interested in the sci-fi novel he’s hiding, poorly, between his textbooks. I know this, because Mr. Miki behind me isn’t even hiding that she’s using her phone.

This poorly thought-out group assignment is going about as well as one would expect. Takashi keeps bombarding us with useless information.

The other victim, Hisao, does his best to entertain him, but it's clear he’s getting a bit fed up. I give him my most sympathetic smile, but he doesn’t return one. That’s probably fair.

It’s been about a month since the festival, and since I confessed to Lelouch the following day. Akio, to everyone’s surprise, hasn’t made a big deal out of us sleeping together. If anything, he seems to have become a more tolerable person. He stopped making creepy advances on Miki, and Molly looks to still be happy, healthy, and alive – not that Akio is a murderer. He only hangs out with us when Lelouch isn’t there, but at this rate, I’d take Akio over Lou and Ikuno.

The dynamic of the whole group has changed a bit, though. Ikuno and Lou spend more time with Natsume and Naomi now then they do with us, and Akio has become quieter since then. Sometimes I see him wave at Lelouch, but Lou just stares through him. I still haven’t decided if I want to get involved.

Miki has flat out stopped hanging around with Lelouch. She thinks he’s a bad dude. I told her that I’m just as bad, but she didn’t agree. I told her that he was actually quite nice to me in the end.

“Yeah, like he’s some fucking saint. He was two-timing Ikuno, and you. Being aware of it made you a chump, but it didn’t make you a bad person.” Miki said to me after one heated conversation. We don’t talk about him much anymore, even though I still think about him.

I look over at Akio and catch his eye.

I wonder if I’m the only person who really knows him, even just a little.

That’s the funny thing about life. You think you know someone, or something, and then they surprise you. They change.

“They’re supposed to,” Taro had said when I told him that.

I look at the back of the classroom. Taro is working with Misha and Shizune. He might be the only person in the class that can tolerate those two, and, other than Molly, he’s probably the only one who can keep up with Shizune’s manic work pace. He sees me staring and gives me a thumb up. I smile back.

Misha sees me and smiles, her bombastic and signature laugh reverberating around the room. I throw her a half-hearted wave.

There’s a shared mythology here at Yamaku, a rumour and a history all in one. Misha and Ibrazaki, an elicit and taboo subject. But I think back to that Rin girl, and the ‘Pink-Haired-Ghost’. Maybe there’s more to her than just a pink airhead.

Miki is too engrossed in her phone to see me staring, but I watch her typing away whilst Molly fills out the questions Miki is too ‘busy’ to answer. From what I hear, they have an arrangement where Molly does all the work and Miki sets her up on hot dates. I think that might have been a joke though.

Behind them, in the corner of the class, Lelouch and Ikuno have pulled the chairs to Natsume and Naomi’s table. They all chat, definitely about something other than the assignment, and Ikuno laughs. Lou reaches over and places his arm around her, and yeah, it still stings.

But everyday it stings a little less.

I don’t begrudge Ikuno, really. She’s probably a nice girl. But I can’t bring myself to say I wish her well either.

I take another look back at my own table. Pencils and pens are scattered across the table, but no one is really working, and Takashi has leane back and started talking to Haruhiko. Poor Haru.

Hisao looks vaguely out the window at the clouds. He’s been dating Emi Ibarazaki, according to Miki’s sources, sources that are just Emi Ibarazaki. Maybe he’s seeing her form in the clouds, the way I see people in them.

We still haven’t spoken since the festival. It’s my fault, I should have apologised weeks ago, but now it’s been so long it feels impossible to even begin. He sighs, and crosses his arms across the table, settling into them in a familiar way. My patented class sleeping method.

When he arrived here, he was just another boring guy. He’s still a bit of a boring guy, truth be told, but he’s also a good guy, by all accounts. Miki really likes him, and Taro told me that he’s actually kind of interesting once you get past the surface. It makes me wish I’d taken more of an interest in him that first day he arrived.

“Collect experiences, collect people, collect every little moment and never stop.” Nurse said, when I came back to see him two weeks ago, after an unsuccessful attempt at watching a horror movie with Miki.

Now Hisao spends a lot of time looking out of windows. I think he was doing something similar when we met, watching those jets leave into the distance. I guess the difference is now he smiles more. He had a sort of solemn face before.

He was like Akio, like me. An empty space where a person was supposed to go.

I feel a little proud to see that space filled, even if only a little.

No time like the present.

I tap Hisao on the shoulder. He looks up at me with deep brown eyes.

“I wanted to apologise. I wasn’t very kind to you.”

He opens his mouth to reply, but I continue.

“I didn’t pity you. I envied you. You come here and you get to start fresh, but all of us here, we have history.” I motion towards the class. “I wish I could go back and do things differently.”

Hisao sits up.

“We all have things we wish we could do differently.” He says, “but you’re right, this place, it has history.”

I nod.

“I’m not the person I was then,” I tell him. “She’s gone.”

Hisao looks around the class.

He sees Akio, in a quiet contemplation.

He sees Miki, texting away and joking with Molly.

He sees Taro, a deep look of concentration on his face, but a genuine smile from ear to ear.

He sees Ikuno, her laughter so full of life.

He sees Lelouch.

He looks back at me.

“Then I’d like to meet the person you are now. “Why don’t we start again?” He asks.

I take a deep breath.

“It’s nice to meet you, Hisao Nakai.” I reply. “My name is Suzu Suzuki, and I’d like it if we could be friends.”

Because in the end, that’s all there is.

_____________________________________________________________________

Notes on the story.

Secret Santa Victim: Brythain, Prompt: This is a story about Misha, Saki, a jet fighter, some incense, and a lot of ice cream


Brythain’s secret Santa prompt was delivered to me 26th November, 2021. That makes this 2 years late, and also not a Christmas story. So, you’re welcome?

I’ve know Byrthain since 2015, when he messaged me a list of corrections for Gravity. (The first one). Over that time, we’ve talked about literature at considerable lengths, whisky at even greater length, and during that same time, Bry has known me go from student at school, student at sixth form, student at University and now, a year away from receiving my Doctorate. (I still can’t use a semicolon).



There was, in my opinion, two options for me with this story. The first draft was from Taro’s perspective, and it was a playfully retold story of how he met his partner. It took the prompt literally, and featured a series of increasingly unbelievable sequences that Taro’s grandchildren would later quip about being ‘made up.’ It was fun, and actually, I quite liked it. But it wasn’t really me, or my kind of story. And, though I think Brythain would have enjoyed it, I had a feeling I could write something he would enjoy more. That being said, I also think this story, its current form anyway, allows for more hope and joy than I typically include. Maybe in my head, this was a middle ground for us.

We briefly worked together writing a Suzu and Miki route in tandem for another project. It didn’t pan out, but I had kept the first few lines of that story, and I thought it would be meaningful if I could re-hash that same story now, for this SS. I also know that Bry enjoys the same kind of twisting of the knife that I like to think I’ve earned a reputation for.

So anyway, here’s to Brythain. I hope you enjoy the story, I hope it scratches every itch. And thank you, for your guidance, conversation and for your many hours of proofreading in the early years hah!

Feurox

Massive thank you to Lap and NoticeMeOppai, who proofread this story over the course of months (no, sorry, years) and have been invaluable help in seeing it come together. Even if they can seemingly never agree. You can click on their names to be taken to their one shots, and I would highly recommend you do so!

Oh this is a lovely, lovely piece. It is so much better than I could have imagined, and gave me unexpected pangs of... longing? at some points. The Taro/Saki thing, for one. And all the cast appearances. And Suzu, written in a way that made me feel such empathy for her.

This is a classic, mate. I am very grateful that you wrote it, that you persevered and finally got it done. (Oops, I still owe a couple of people some writing, myself.) May the jets do a few rolls in the sky for you.

*slow claps*

That was... well I could come up with a series of different words that all don't quite fit. I'm even tempted to list them all out, but the point is that I really enjoyed this story. Perhaps it's a Suzu thing because that's 2/2 Suzu's that have completely engrossed me despite vastly different personalities. Perhaps it's a result of the writers behind them.

In the end this story did have a more hopeful ending than I had expected coming from you, even despite your earlier mentions of said divergence. There was certainly emotional turmoil through-out though, and as always you wrote it excellently. I loved the way the drama played out in this story. I also liked the characterization of every character included, from Suzu to Saki. Hisao even had a surprisingly solid place in this story despite it not being a open-ended pseudo-route hook; instead opting in for him going on Emi's path in a slightly different - and very alive- world. Then there was the entirety of the main group's dynamic which I could go into detail about, but probably shouldn't as to avoid leaving a novel behind as my comment .

In short, a joy to read from all angles.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:46 am He looks away for a moment. sShe didn’t give me a definitive answer.”

They kiss, and my heart e stops beating.

Those're the only mistakes I spotted so great job to the proof-readers on combing through this 16k epic!

Now... I'm a big enough man to say that you've written my favourite Taro. He's a genuine highlight for me (because I'm biased as fuck) but his interaction with the gang mirrors a lot of the things I'd always thought about the character so I'm glad that there's now a definitive Taro (at least for me).

Suzu, Suzy, Suzy-Q, you precious little fuck-up. I really liked her characterisation in this story and her outlook and actions really spoke to her experiences in this particular fic. I really enjoyed her journey and where she end up.

Good job, Feu. You nailed it.

Well, it was one hell of a read, as always. And, as ever, your story is so good that I'm angry it's not perfect, so I shall now spend many words complaining about the minutiae I disliked!

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:46 am I reach up and pull his head into a kiss.

Sweet mother of mercy, the premise of this story hit me out of nowhere. I was honestly expecting depressed slice of life right up until I read this line. Everything just got completely turned upside down here. But you know what? I actually wasn't that surprised, because I remember talking to you years ago about a story you were writing, you telling me it would be like a certain song, me listening to that song, and then misconstruing it and assuming you were going to write... well, a story like this. So as much as it was a slap in the face, I was kind of expecting it eventually. It just fits you too well.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “I know when I’m being used, Suzu,” he finally answers. This might be the first time I’m genuinely a little attracted to him.

Holy shit. I read the first sentence, and it was surprising, intriguing, and crucial to the plot. And then I read the second sentence, and my jaw dropped, because it was even more of all of those things. This is such a powerful line, and I hope everyone appreciates that. It really sets the tone for the second half of the story - where we stop learning about the protagonist, and start learning about the antagonist. Very well done.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “Just things to obsess over, convenient lies,” he whispers, maybe more to himself than to me. “Just shapes to fill a lack.”
[...]
“Two empty spaces where people are supposed to go.”

This is one of the few places where I can forgive a character being all poetic with their speech. You explicitly state that he thinks of himself as being smarter and better-spoken than he really is, and boy, do these lines epitomize that. It's just a bit of a shame that you named the story after one of them. :P

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am How Lou couldn’t speak and how I couldn’t feel, and how that made us an impossibility.

I'm not really sure I understand what you meant by this. I don't see how those things connect to each other, or how either of them pertain to the characters' relationship. You're pretty explicit about the relationship not really working out due to differences in how they feel about each other - which has nothing to do with their conditions. Personally, I would've cut this sentence out, because I think the rest of the paragraph does much better without it.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “Love is but one of many, and there are others. Let it in, let it go.”

I'm not sure this fits Nurse's character. I can accept if he quotes literature here and there for effect, but this comes off as him trying to say something wise, which isn't really how he's generally portrayed - he's someone who says things which are wise, but also stupid and simple and obvious and you already knew but just didn't want to accept. I think you do pretty well sticking to that with most of his dialogue, but near the end there it felt like you were trying to push for a final flourish, when Nurse's wisdom is generally better punctuated by a shrug and an apologetic look.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am [Suzu's monologue in the doorway]

I appreciate the paragraph style change here - cramming a lengthy stream-of-consciousness rant into a giant block of text is something plenty of writers have done with Suzu before, because it works, especially for situations like this. However. The actual sentences you used were far too... coherent? The point of stream-of-consciousness is that each word is said with almost no idea which words will come next; little to no planning, stumbling and stuttering and backtracking - of which Suzu, who is coming off the back of an intense emotional outpouring and launching straight into a second one, does none? It almost sounds like she's reading a script, because her words aren't just sensible, they're poetic. Somehow, I just can't imagine her getting through that whole speech with no issues, no matter how many times she practiced in her head beforehand.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am [Lelouch's response to Suzu's monologue]

Well now we have the opposite problem. Lou is explicitly characterized as saying very little, putting a lot of thought into very few words, and - lest we forget - having aphasia. So if anyone might be expected to craft unusual but poetic responses that pack volumes of meaning into single sentences, it would be him. (Obviously one other argument is that his speech might be simple and direct to ensure that the intended meaning makes it through, but my impression throughout the story was that he was perceived as reserved and eloquent.) And while he does take a long time to say what he wants to (despite knowing Ikuno is on her way) - as expected - his language is the least purple I've ever seen you write. There is more flourish in Suzu's description of her prior cataplexic attack than in Lou's breakup with her. It just struck me as such a stark contrast with your usual fare, and such a missed opportunity.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “Catharsis,” Miki answers. Taro and I shoot her a look of surprise. “What?”

Perfectly executed. I've had issues with some of the ways you've added humor to your stories in the past, but this one genuinely improved the whole section around it.

This story was a wild ride, with a relatively simple progression but a lot of excellent emotional baggage to drag along that path. But with all of the serious appraisal out of the way, I'll mention some less important things. First - and I think I've said this about one of your characters before - Taro the gourmand had a posh English accent in my mind. It fit too well, even when he gives advice to Suzu later on. Kinda weird that I only seem to get this feeling from characters you write. Second, the interspersed quotes were pretty good throughout the story, until the very last one took a nosedive. It's purple word salad; worse, it has meter but no rhyme, so you know it's pretentious.

Oh, right, and the SPaG. Sharp-O got the two biggest ones, but here are some more:

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:46 am “I’ve already forgotten.” Miki laughs and leans back to tune into the guy’s conversation.

Either "guys'" or "guys's". One guy can't hold a conversation with himself unless he contains multitudes.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:48 am Taro mentioned an air base not far from here, so it’s probably nothing to worry about,.

Stray comma at the end there.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:48 am “Not cool man, not cool,” Ikuno adds, which doesn’t make me like her anymore, but is kind of funny.

Should be "any more" - as is, somewhat implies that Suzu liked her before, but now doesn't. Google Drive sometimes autocorrects this incorrectly ("Pick anyone prize to take home..."), which I loathe.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am I lean up to him and warp my hand around the back of his head.

Magic!

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am We don’t pass by Ibrazaki and the new kid.

Ibarazaki. I'm almost ashamed of how many times I've manually typed the characters' family names out, but it does give me an eye for stuff like this.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 6:00 am So, your welcome?

*yro'ue. Don't let the fact that Feurox fixed this typo before I posted my reply trick you into thinking I didn't find it first.

When I grow up I want to write like you do - that was really wonderful; the characterizations were especially vivid.

What I very much appreciated - Something from Suzu’s perspective; I have’t seen a lot of that. I also appreciated getting inside her head a bit - character’s thoughts are always interesting to me. Also Rin being very much Rin - seeing her work her unique magic is always a delight.

What left me wondering - the degree of Miki’s emotional investment in Suzu; there seems to be a lot left unsaid.

“I’m in this fic and I don’t like it” moment - “You know, there are people who feel too much and those who feel too little, and the people that feel too much feel twice as much, for the people who feel too little.”

Unhelpful comment - The character’s emotional development / insights came very quickly; Akio’s realization that they were making a mistake, for example. In real life people seem to bumble over the same course of action again and again until they finally realize they’re screwing up. Also, it only took one round of therapy - sorry, ‘free advice’ - with Nurse for Suzu to realize what she needed to do. Of course, this is nitpicking - the value of maintaining the poetic flow of the prose vastly outweighs the compressed emotional timeline (.. and any saltyness I may be feeling because there wasn’t more This could easily have been a much, much longer story, but I’m trying hard to not be ungrateful for something I enjoyed very, very much and which obviously took a lot of effort to achieve.)

--

brythain wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 9:27 am Oh this is a lovely, lovely piece. It is so much better than I could have imagined, and gave me unexpected pangs of... longing? at some points. The Taro/Saki thing, for one. And all the cast appearances. And Suzu, written in a way that made me feel such empathy for her.

This is a classic, mate. I am very grateful that you wrote it, that you persevered and finally got it done. (Oops, I still owe a couple of people some writing, myself.) May the jets do a few rolls in the sky for you.

A million thanks my friend. I'm extremely glad you enjoyed the story. I deliberated a lot on it, how to make it the kind of good-pain that you enjoy. Thanks for everything!

StealthyWolf wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 9:52 am *slow claps*

That was... well I could come up with a series of different words that all don't quite fit. I'm even tempted to list them all out, but the point is that I really enjoyed this story. Perhaps it's a Suzu thing because that's 2/2 Suzu's that have completely engrossed me despite vastly different personalities. Perhaps it's a result of the writers behind them.

In the end this story did have a more hopeful ending than I had expected coming from you, even despite your earlier mentions of said divergence. There was certainly emotional turmoil through-out though, and as always you wrote it excellently. I loved the way the drama played out in this story. I also liked the characterization of every character included, from Suzu to Saki. Hisao even had a surprisingly solid place in this story despite it not being a open-ended pseudo-route hook; instead opting in for him going on Emi's path in a slightly different - and very alive- world. Then there was the entirety of the main group's dynamic which I could go into detail about, but probably shouldn't as to avoid leaving a novel behind as my comment .

In short, a joy to read from all angles.

One of the things that NoticeMeOppai mentioned to me, early in the drafts of this story, was that the worlds I write feel very alive. I take it as a great compliment that I'm apparently able to make it feel as if Suzu's story is just one of many happening in orbit. That's also the reason the drama in this story is, I think, quite microscopic really. It's a big deal for the people involved, but even to Hisao and Emi, it's not really important. That said, I knew early on I wanted to misdirect with Hisao, because so many stories seem to have Hisao show up and save the day (even some of mine) and I thought it was more interesting just to have him as a potential new friend.

Thank you so much for your kind words! And i'm happy to hear that novel of things you liked

Sharp-O wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 11:31 am

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:46 am He looks away for a moment. sShe didn’t give me a definitive answer.”

They kiss, and my heart e stops beating.

Those're the only mistakes I spotted so great job to the proof-readers on combing through this 16k epic!

Now... I'm a big enough man to say that you've written my favourite Taro. He's a genuine highlight for me (because I'm biased as fuck) but his interaction with the gang mirrors a lot of the things I'd always thought about the character so I'm glad that there's now a definitive Taro (at least for me).

Suzu, Suzy, Suzy-Q, you precious little fuck-up. I really liked her characterisation in this story and her outlook and actions really spoke to her experiences in this particular fic. I really enjoyed her journey and where she end up.

Good job, Feu. You nailed it.

whoops. Will fix. Thanks for spotting those. Pretty thorough job by my proofers as you say, considering they trawled through that within a day.

That's huge praise coming from you, so I'm really happy to hear you loved my Taro. I think I have this habit of making the characters I write having this kind of 'Gatsby' esq quality, and Taro seems to be no exception. I found him so fun to write, and I loved the idea that everyone seems to respect him (and is a little afraid of him ahah).

Suzu was a little bit of a fuck up here, but I hope it was at least a journey we can relate a little too. I know I can, she's a hurting mess of a person, and she takes that out on herself, those around her, and the world.

Thank you for your kind words Sharp-O! More to come from me soon I hope.

Craftyatom wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 3:23 pm Well, it was one hell of a read, as always. And, as ever, your story is so good that I'm angry it's not perfect, so I shall now spend many words complaining about the minutiae I disliked!

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:46 am I reach up and pull his head into a kiss.

Sweet mother of mercy, the premise of this story hit me out of nowhere. I was honestly expecting depressed slice of life right up until I read this line. Everything just got completely turned upside down here. But you know what? I actually wasn't that surprised, because I remember talking to you years ago about a story you were writing, you telling me it would be like a certain song, me listening to that song, and then misconstruing it and assuming you were going to write... well, a story like this. So as much as it was a slap in the face, I was kind of expecting it eventually. It just fits you too well.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “I know when I’m being used, Suzu,” he finally answers. This might be the first time I’m genuinely a little attracted to him.

Holy shit. I read the first sentence, and it was surprising, intriguing, and crucial to the plot. And then I read the second sentence, and my jaw dropped, because it was even more of all of those things. This is such a powerful line, and I hope everyone appreciates that. It really sets the tone for the second half of the story - where we stop learning about the protagonist, and start learning about the antagonist. Very well done.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “Just things to obsess over, convenient lies,” he whispers, maybe more to himself than to me. “Just shapes to fill a lack.”
[...]
“Two empty spaces where people are supposed to go.”

This is one of the few places where I can forgive a character being all poetic with their speech. You explicitly state that he thinks of himself as being smarter and better-spoken than he really is, and boy, do these lines epitomize that. It's just a bit of a shame that you named the story after one of them.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am How Lou couldn’t speak and how I couldn’t feel, and how that made us an impossibility.

I'm not really sure I understand what you meant by this. I don't see how those things connect to each other, or how either of them pertain to the characters' relationship. You're pretty explicit about the relationship not really working out due to differences in how they feel about each other - which has nothing to do with their conditions. Personally, I would've cut this sentence out, because I think the rest of the paragraph does much better without it.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “Love is but one of many, and there are others. Let it in, let it go.”

I'm not sure this fits Nurse's character. I can accept if he quotes literature here and there for effect, but this comes off as him trying to say something wise, which isn't really how he's generally portrayed - he's someone who says things which are wise, but also stupid and simple and obvious and you already knew but just didn't want to accept. I think you do pretty well sticking to that with most of his dialogue, but near the end there it felt like you were trying to push for a final flourish, when Nurse's wisdom is generally better punctuated by a shrug and an apologetic look.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am [Suzu's monologue in the doorway]

I appreciate the paragraph style change here - cramming a lengthy stream-of-consciousness rant into a giant block of text is something plenty of writers have done with Suzu before, because it works, especially for situations like this. However. The actual sentences you used were far too... coherent? The point of stream-of-consciousness is that each word is said with almost no idea which words will come next; little to no planning, stumbling and stuttering and backtracking - of which Suzu, who is coming off the back of an intense emotional outpouring and launching straight into a second one, does none? It almost sounds like she's reading a script, because her words aren't just sensible, they're poetic. Somehow, I just can't imagine her getting through that whole speech with no issues, no matter how many times she practiced in her head beforehand.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am [Lelouch's response to Suzu's monologue]

Well now we have the opposite problem. Lou is explicitly characterized as saying very little, putting a lot of thought into very few words, and - lest we forget - having aphasia. So if anyone might be expected to craft unusual but poetic responses that pack volumes of meaning into single sentences, it would be him. (Obviously one other argument is that his speech might be simple and direct to ensure that the intended meaning makes it through, but my impression throughout the story was that he was perceived as reserved and eloquent.) And while he does take a long time to say what he wants to (despite knowing Ikuno is on her way) - as expected - his language is the least purple I've ever seen you write. There is more flourish in Suzu's description of her prior cataplexic attack than in Lou's breakup with her. It just struck me as such a stark contrast with your usual fare, and such a missed opportunity.

Feurox wrote: ↑Thu Sep 07, 2023 5:51 am “Catharsis,” Miki answers. Taro and I shoot her a look of surprise. “What?”

Perfectly executed. I've had issues with some of the ways you've added humor to your stories in the past, but this one genuinely improved the whole section around it.

This story was a wild ride, with a relatively simple progression but a lot of excellent emotional baggage to drag along that path. But with all of the serious appraisal out of the way, I'll mention some less important things. First - and I think I've said this about one of your characters before - Taro the gourmand had a posh English accent in my mind. It fit too well, even when he gives advice to Suzu later on. Kinda weird that I only seem to get this feeling from characters you write. Second, the interspersed quotes were pretty good throughout the story, until the very last one took a nosedive. It's purple word salad; worse, it has meter but no rhyme, so you know it's pretentious.

Absolutely brilliant, interesting, frustrating and kind feedback once again Crafty haha!

I always look forward to your feedback. More often than not because you say things I either thought myself, things that were in an earlier draft that I subsequently changed, or things I didn't even consider and am now kicking myself. Of course, I also sometimes put things in knowing it will piss you off, so, i am a bit devious.

I did wonder how the surprise of the plot would be received, and because my proofreaders had read the story so many times and talked about it with me at length, I couldn't really get their reactions to it. I felt that one of the strong suits of this story, or at least I wanted it to be, was that Suzu was a bit unpredictable, and the plot itself reflects that. I wanted it to be difficult to see how this would be resolved, and, most early drafts of this story came back to the same conclusion; it doesn't get resolved at all.

In the earliest drafts, Suzu confronts Lelouch after a conversation with Misha. (the pink haired ghost of the track), who we've come to learn is pining for something she once had and now regrets giving up. Suzu sees this as a parallel to her own life, (even though it's kind of flipped) and takes action. Meeting Lou and confessing to him (And it was definitely more stream of consciousness then, it went for about a page). Lelouch, who we've anticipated hearing speak the entire story, simply asks her to leave, and the story ends with Suzu in the elevator.

I think, were this not a secret santa story, I might have chosen to keep the ending. But i kept asking myself, what makes a good story? We talked about that once, with 'I am Disappeared' and 'Time is Dancing'. I kept reading it again and again, and whilst it did feel painful, I also wanted there to be something to highlight just how insignificant this conflict was in Yamaku's world, right? So having Suzu sort of come to terms with it at the end, it felt like a bit of a cop out, but it also felt like it made the ending more bittersweet than my usual bitter.

Also, I really adore that you liked that Akio x Suzu scene. It's really pivotal, and you sum it up perfectly. Suzu is the antagonist of her own story. Also I really loved that you enjoyed the comedy with Miki, I thought that might get a laugh out of you.

Broadly agree with everything you say, though the quotes are always a subject of some soreness between us. I also knew you'd say what you said.

Thanks, as always, for such wonderful feedback chum.

Asoko_Desu wrote: ↑Fri Sep 08, 2023 8:15 am When I grow up I want to write like you do - that was really wonderful; the characterizations were especially vivid.

What I very much appreciated - Something from Suzu’s perspective; I have’t seen a lot of that. I also appreciated getting inside her head a bit - character’s thoughts are always interesting to me. Also Rin being very much Rin - seeing her work her unique magic is always a delight.

What left me wondering - the degree of Miki’s emotional investment in Suzu; there seems to be a lot left unsaid.

“I’m in this fic and I don’t like it” moment - “You know, there are people who feel too much and those who feel too little, and the people that feel too much feel twice as much, for the people who feel too little.”

Unhelpful comment - The character’s emotional development / insights came very quickly; Akio’s realization that they were making a mistake, for example. In real life people seem to bumble over the same course of action again and again until they finally realize they’re screwing up. Also, it only took one round of therapy - sorry, ‘free advice’ - with Nurse for Suzu to realize what she needed to do. Of course, this is nitpicking - the value of maintaining the poetic flow of the prose vastly outweighs the compressed emotional timeline (.. and any saltyness I may be feeling because there wasn’t more This could easily have been a much, much longer story, but I’m trying hard to not be ungrateful for something I enjoyed very, very much and which obviously took a lot of effort to achieve.)

--

Ha! I'm not sure how old you think I am, but that is a wonderful thing to hear! Thank you so much.

I did leave a lot of stuff deliberately unsaid. Miki and Suzu clearly have a close relationship, and yet, it only ends up being Rin who really sees past Suzu's cold emotionless persona, and sees that she feels more than everyone. Well, and Nurse. Maybe Akio gets it a bit by the end.

I can see what you mean about the emotional development, though i'd argue that Nurse was already saying things Suzu knew. She knew that she had to say it if she wanted Lou to hear it, Miki even says something similar about Saki and Taro earlier. Again, there were initially more ideas, but I was eager to get this out. It could have easily been longer as you say, but i'm glad it wasn't ahah!

Many thanks to you, and to all,

Feurox

At last, something to entice me back to the renai! And I'm finally getting around to properly reading your work.

I suppose I should say as a preliminary that I never really had much of a connection to the fandom characters. I came too late to the game and never got too deep into the fandom.

The upshot of which is, everything I like about the story is on its own terms. And there's a great deal to like here.

The one thing I don't like is ... well, you know that "I'm in this photo" meme? Yeah, imagine I'd posted that here. Suzu, our star with an aversion to the spotlight, reminds me of myself. It's discomfiting in the best possible way. There's the almost pathological self-peripheralisation. The back and forth pull of needing to be noticed and desperately wanting not to be noticed. The substitution of unattainable desire with its alienating substitute. The silent absorption of pain followed by directionless venom.

It's a wonderful portrayal of someone messed up but still functional, as most of us are. And as fiction does at its best, it illuminates the universal with the particular. The universal is the subtle, aching melancholy that our lives were never quite what should have been, the hole at the heart of the world. And the particular is Suzu's own disability, which is so elegantly bound up with her personal struggles. It's essential to her character, but not all-encompassing. It connects with the theme and story wonderfully.

As for Miki -- well, Miki is just a delight. Her dialogue feels so real. It's the cheerful frivolity and banter that makes companionship worthwhile. And her friendship with Suzu hits all the right notes. She cares deeply, but doesn't smother. She accepts her friend's failures with compassion and respect. She's not entirely attuned to Suzu's feelings, but she still knows her well enough to support her.

Akio is a somewhat minor player, but worth mentioning, because I appreciate a portrayal that shows even unlikable goobers have some depth and self-awareness and even a smidge of magnanimity. And I appreciate a portrayal of the unsexy aspects of sex.

Overall, then, a delightful read. I had high expectations, and you exceeded them.

Scramblers wrote: ↑Thu Sep 21, 2023 2:32 pm At last, something to entice me back to the renai! And I'm finally getting around to properly reading your work.

I suppose I should say as a preliminary that I never really had much of a connection to the fandom characters. I came too late to the game and never got too deep into the fandom.

The upshot of which is, everything I like about the story is on its own terms. And there's a great deal to like here.

The one thing I don't like is ... well, you know that "I'm in this photo" meme? Yeah, imagine I'd posted that here. Suzu, our star with an aversion to the spotlight, reminds me of myself. It's discomfiting in the best possible way. There's the almost pathological self-peripheralisation. The back and forth pull of needing to be noticed and desperately wanting not to be noticed. The substitution of unattainable desire with its alienating substitute. The silent absorption of pain followed by directionless venom.

It's a wonderful portrayal of someone messed up but still functional, as most of us are. And as fiction does at its best, it illuminates the universal with the particular. The universal is the subtle, aching melancholy that our lives were never quite what should have been, the hole at the heart of the world. And the particular is Suzu's own disability, which is so elegantly bound up with her personal struggles. It's essential to her character, but not all-encompassing. It connects with the theme and story wonderfully.

As for Miki -- well, Miki is just a delight. Her dialogue feels so real. It's the cheerful frivolity and banter that makes companionship worthwhile. And her friendship with Suzu hits all the right notes. She cares deeply, but doesn't smother. She accepts her friend's failures with compassion and respect. She's not entirely attuned to Suzu's feelings, but she still knows her well enough to support her.

Akio is a somewhat minor player, but worth mentioning, because I appreciate a portrayal that shows even unlikable goobers have some depth and self-awareness and even a smidge of magnanimity. And I appreciate a portrayal of the unsexy aspects of sex.

Overall, then, a delightful read. I had high expectations, and you exceeded them.

Thank you, utterly and completely, for such wonderful and poetic feedback. I'm really glad that Suzu came across as intended, and that she was still sympathetic and relatable. I gave myself goosebumps when writing her conversation with Rin at the end there, about how she feels everything. I'm very glad that the overwhelming nature of life comes through, and her bleak attempts to reclaim some power over it show her desperation.

That is very profound feedback, and I can only hope I deserve it. Also very glad that Akio and Miki left an impression. Akio hopefully comes across as mildly sympathetic by the end here, and his lines about 'making the same mistakes' really felt important as I composed them.

Also, I don't love writing lewds, but I did enjoy writing a really depressing and unsexy sex scene aha.

Many many thanks, and I hope you enjoy my other stories, if you're on a read-through of sorts. You'll find that the themes of this story appear a lot in my other work ,in some way or another.

Many thanks,
Feurox

Apparently I once told Feurox that he was incapable of writing short stories...
I don't really remember that - or the context - but it certainly holds true for this one: this is easily among the longest Secret Santa stories we've had.

Now what I am certain of is that I've never told him that he was incapable of writing good stories - he is capable of that, and that also holds true for this story!

The story used a lot of known characters but every one of them was subtly changed a bit to make them special for this story. Also none of them were unambiguously good or bad - though some were a bit more bad than others - almost like in real life

For Suzu I don't think I've seen her cataplexy described quite like this before, Taro has never been described as a Mafioso type, and even Akio got a redeeming moment here

The overall mood I would describe as more somber, and I do recall telling Feurox, that he tends to write downer stories more often than not...
This one I wouldn't count among them, though. It has just the right amount of optimism right there at the end to pick you back up.

Finally, just because I feel it is kind of expected of me, I should say something about SpaG... Though honestly there isn't much to say:

“It's nice of you to tell the new guy all about how much of a bitch I am.”

Or maybe it's because he’s Lou’s friend.

Ikuno and Lou spend more time with Natsume and Naomi now thean they do with us...

...and Takashi has leaned back and started talking to Haruhiko.

I suppose better late than never...

Seriously though, this was a very well written story with a very slice of life style emptiness to it. You also did a wonderful job giving us versions of the characters we've never seen before and that's always appreciated.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 16, 2023 10:59 am

Apparently I once told Feurox that he was incapable of writing short stories...
I don't really remember that - or the context - but it certainly holds true for this one: this is easily among the longest Secret Santa stories we've had.

Now what I am certain of is that I've never told him that he was incapable of writing good stories - he is capable of that, and that also holds true for this story!

The story used a lot of known characters but every one of them was subtly changed a bit to make them special for this story. Also none of them were unambiguously good or bad - though some were a bit more bad than others - almost like in real life

For Suzu I don't think I've seen her cataplexy described quite like this before, Taro has never been described as a Mafioso type, and even Akio got a redeeming moment here

The overall mood I would describe as more somber, and I do recall telling Feurox, that he tends to write downer stories more often than not...
This one I wouldn't count among them, though. It has just the right amount of optimism right there at the end to pick you back up.

Immense thanks old friend! I really enjoyed writing this one, and if there's one thing I hope I'm getting good at, it's writing characters that are 'almost like in real life', even if sometimes writing those kinds of characters can be a bit of a bummer ahah!

I'm really pleased you liked Taro and Akio's involvement. In fact, I think Akio was my favourite here. He somehow expresses what Suzu thinks, because to everyone else, he's an asshole. Well we're all assholes, to someone.

I did try to swing it back into a slightly positive story at the end, for Brythain's sake ha! Also didn't feel acceptable to leave it off on such a dark note, with Suzu utterly rejected.

Oddball wrote: ↑Thu Nov 23, 2023 10:24 pm

I suppose better late than never...

Seriously though, this was a very well written story with a very slice of life style emptiness to it. You also did a wonderful job giving us versions of the characters we've never seen before and that's always appreciated.

Thank you Oddball! And yes, better late I suppose... As always, you sum up exactly what I was going for in 20 thousand words in just one sentence ha! Slice of an empty life!

Many thanks to you both!