Many many many thanks to Feurox, for valiant proofreading, going above and beyond, reading this behemoth. You're the best!
This work is also on Archive of Our Own, where you can also download it as a PDF or other e-document file for easy off-line reading. (Note that the version on AO3 is 9 chapters, as opposed to 11 here, but it's just because of character count limitations; the text is identical.)
And many MORE thanks to Feurox for gracing us with Mural Walking, a song he wrote inspired by this story.
Part 1 (scroll down)
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Epilogue
________________________
What am I doing here?
Hanako wasn’t quite sure how she came to be standing outdoors with Rin in front of a mural, meekly opening cans of paints for the armless artist. She could recall every step that led to her being there, but the why of how she ended up there got jumbled up in her mind.
Why had she agreed to help Emi carry supplies to Rin? Why had she agreed to help Rin with her work? Even as she sat and watched Rin work, she felt torn—on the one hand, she wanted to leave this awkward, somewhat rude young woman, and go get dinner. Yet at the same time, she felt compelled to stay. If no one stayed to help her, how would Rin manage?
“I need some sky blue.”
Hanako found a can of the requested color and brought it over to Rin. At first, it had seemed odd to Hanako to be painting something artistic using cans of house paint. Wasn’t art done with palettes and tubes of paint? But with such a large area to cover, small tubes of paint were impractical.
She knew Rin must be able to manage without assistance—she painted all the time, after all. But it seemed her assistance made things easier for Rin.
It’s like helping Lilly…but it doesn’t quite feel the same. She wondered why. She helped Lilly with things all the time. But Rin’s need seemed purer. Even when guiding Lilly around town, or helping her select things in a store, Hanako knew that Lilly could function fine without her if she needed to. Hanako just simplified things a little for her.
Rin was the same. She could paint without Hanako’s assistance. But whereas she sometimes felt that Lilly was humoring her, letting Hanako assist her just to make her feel better, feel useful, there was no such feeling with Rin.
Lilly…lets me help her. Rin…accepts my help. It was a subtle distinction, but real. Lilly was always solicitous of her time, and grateful for Hanako’s assistance. Rin’s attitude seemed to be one of unquestioning expectation—if Hanako was present, then of course she would help. Hanako was well aware that it wasn’t her, specifically, that Rin expected help from—anyone else who happened to be caught up in her orbit would have been expected to help too. Judging by comments Rin had dropped here and there, other members of the art club had been helping her on and off all week. But at the moment, right now, it was just her.
“Orange,” Rin said baldly. Hanako found the can labeled “Pumpkin” and brought it to her.
So, she stayed to help, to watch. The longer she watched, the more invested in Rin’s art she became. She didn't understand it at all, but it nonetheless drew her in. The grotesque figures with their disturbing proportions became less grotesque and more intriguing the longer she looked at them. She didn’t understand the mural any better, but she thought she better appreciated it.
Her continued assistance was somewhat puzzling, even to herself. She’d never before hesitated to flee from another person who was making her uncomfortable. But here, that desire to flee was muted, and her sense of obligation to help overrode it. Helping Rin, being useful and involved in an act of creation felt…nice.
It certainly helped that Rin didn’t seem to expect or even desire conversation. Rin didn’t stare at her scars. Rin didn’t care that she stuttered. All that mattered to Rin was the art. If Hanako could help with the art, then for that short time Hanako was important to Rin. It was like being comfortably ignored while at the same time being essential. Hanako found that she liked being needed in such a simple, straight-forward fashion.
“I need more scarlet,” Rin said.
Hanako looked among the cans spread around them. Scarlet, she’d learned, was a specific shade of red, bright but with a touch of orange to it. She spotted the can of paint, and pried the lid off of it. She peered into the can, then picked it up and tilted it to the side to judge how much paint remained. “It’s…p-practically empty,” she said.
Rin frowned briefly. “Practically empty isn’t very practical for me. I need more scarlet.” She lifted her left foot with a brush between her toes and dabbed it in the small puddle of paint left in the can. She seemed oblivious to the fact that inserting her foot that far into the can got smears of scarlet on her ankle. “This isn’t enough.”
Hanako set the can down beside Rin and searched among the other cans scattered up and down the length of the wall. She couldn’t find any labeled “Positive Red,” the paint company’s odd name for the color Rin deemed scarlet. “H-here’s some…poinsettia red,” Hanako offered weakly. She pried off the lid and offered the half-empty can to Rin.
Rin just stared at it for a disconcertingly long time, as if she were willing the darker red to turn scarlet. Finally, she sighed. “Pandas will eat sugar cane if no bamboo is available.”
“Um…” Hanako just stared at Rin, waiting for explication.
Rin turned back to the mural and resumed painting, using up the last of the scarlet. “Add a blob of white and a splash of yellow to that,” she directed absently.
Hanako had long since given up asking what constituted a “blob” or a “touch” or a “splash” in terms of quantity when mixing colors. She recognized that Rin wanted her to attempt to match the scarlet by modifying the poinsettia red, so she found cans with white and yellow, and began hesitantly blending them in with the red. She was glad the can was half empty, as it made it easier to stir the paint without slopping over the edges.
Once fully blended, she pulled the stirring stick out of the can and held it next to the lid from the can of scarlet. Still too dark, even she could see that. She repeated the process a couple of times before asking Rin, “How’s th-this color?”
Rin turned away from the mural, where she’d been working on a different section in blue. She blinked at the proffered can and then looked back over at the section she’d been painting scarlet. “It’s too orange. Perfect.”
“P-perfect?”
“Yes. I didn’t know it needed to be orangier until now. Thank you.”
“Er. Y-you’re welcome?”
“Move the ladder over here and put a bowl with some paint in it on a box next to it.”
“All right.” Hanako found it nerve-wracking to watch Rin working from atop a ladder, balanced on one foot while painting with the other. Sometimes she held the brush in her mouth in order to reach up, but for larger swaths, she seemed to prefer using her feet. Hanako hovered beside the ladder, waiting to somehow break her fall should she slip, but Rin’s sense of balance seemed preternatural. She seemed indifferent to the fact that she was standing on one foot almost two meters off the ground, waving her other foot around in broad strokes as she painted.
“I need the black paint and a two-centimeter brush.”
“Um. Okay.” Hanako searched among the supplies for the specified brush. It felt odd to hear Rin being so plain and direct. She hadn’t had much interaction with the artist over the years they’d been at Yamaku, but in what little she’d had, she’d learned that speech with Rin was usually oblique and confusing. But apparently, when she was painting, her needs, at least her physical needs, were simple enough that she could be direct.
She found an appropriately sized brush, rinsed the green paint out of it, and found a can of black. She brought them over to the ladder where Rin was still standing, working on the orangier-scarlet section. Rin set down her brush and took the proffered brush from Hanako. She dipped it in the black paint, then stood frozen for a moment, staring at the wall, leg raised. Hanako held her breath, watching Rin poised on one leg atop the ladder. She had to choke down a sudden urge to giggle as she thought, She looks like she’s in that movie, The Karate Kid.
But when Rin moved, it wasn’t to kick, but to paint. Her leg moved in a broad sweep, painting a black line down the wall. She then transferred the brush to her mouth, and leaned in to draw a few finer details, small circles and short arcs.
Hanako realized that the black strokes had transformed the formerly meaningless collection of orange colors into a naked female torso. She made an involuntary sound of surprise.
Rin glanced down at her. She didn’t say anything, but Hanako could feel the question in her gaze. “Ah…does N-nomiya know…you’re p-painting n-naked figures on…the wall?” she asked.
Rin shrugged, and turned back to her work. “He shed I could pain’ wha’ever I wan’ed,” she said around the brush. She painted a few more lines, starting the beginning of a face next to the torso.
“Okay…”
Rin grabbed the brush with her toes. “Which is silly, because what I want changes from moment to moment, but I don’t think he meant I should paint daifuku or Pocky just because I was hungry and wanted something to eat.” She froze in the act of dipping her brush back into the black paint, and frowned slightly. “But now I want daifuku.”
“M-maybe…have some dinner…before eating dessert?”
Rin shot her a glance, her lips twitching almost imperceptibly. “Now you sound like Emi.”
“I do?”
“No, her voice is higher and more perky. But she would say something like that.”
“Do you want to stop…and have dinner?”
Rin gazed at the length of the mural, and sighed. “No. But yes.” She drew one more line with the black paint, then dropped the brush into the paint bowl and came down the ladder. “Now I’m thinking of food, so I shouldn’t paint now. I shouldn’t think while I paint.” She stepped from the last rung of the ladder onto a paint can, then began walking down the length of the mural, stepping from the top of one paint can to the next. Hanako realized that there was a reason for what Rin was doing—she was sealing the lids tighter so that the paint wouldn’t dry out while she was gone.
“D-do you…just leave all this paint…here?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t worry about…anyone…stealing it?”
Rin frowned at her. “Are you planning to steal my paint?”
“No! I just m-meant…never mind,” Hanako trailed off. She took the brushes covered in black and orangier-scarlet paint and swirled them in a large bucket of water, where some other brushes rested. She saw a few other brushes on the ground or on top of cans along the length of the mural, and gathered them up too.
“Maybe that’s what happened to all the scarlet,” Rin mused. “Someone stole it.”
Hanako looked up at the mural, large swaths of which were covered in red and orange and scarlet. “Or…you just used it all up.”
Rin nodded solemnly. “That does seem more likely.”
“Yes. Do you…need any other help?”
Rin started walking toward the dorms. “Yes, but Emi usually helps me with changing my pads.”
“O…kay.” Hanako blinked at that casual comment. She walked along with Rin until the path split between the academic building and the dorms. “I’m going to go…get dinner, then.”
“All right.” Rin continued walking toward the dorm, presumably on a quest to find Emi.
Hanako headed to the cafeteria, where at least the dinner hopefully wouldn’t be quite so confusing.
________________________
Saturday afternoons were usually low-key for Hanako. After the half-day of classes, she had lunch, then saw her therapist, Dr. Tanaka, for an hour.
After they’d settled into their seats, he’d asked her his usual, “How has your week been?”
Hanako tried to sound casual as she answered, “Well, I…spent some t-time with…another person y-yesterday. Someone n-not Lilly, I mean.” She felt bashfully proud of that fact, and hoped that Dr. Tanaka might be proud of her too.
Dr. Tanaka smiled. “That’s good. Did you enjoy it?”
Hanako had to stop to give that some thought. She hadn’t actually considered her time spent with Rin in those terms. “I…think so? It was…interesting. P-peaceful. I think I…learned a little about art.” She nodded, then said more assuredly, “Yes. I enjoyed it.”
“Excellent. That’s the first time you’ve spent time with someone other than Lilly in a while, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“How did this come about?”
Hanako explained how Emi had flagged her down to help carry some cans of paint to Rin, where she was working on the mural. “But R-rin wasn’t at the mural when we arrived, so…Emi l-left. I d-did too, but as I was walking…back to the dorm, I ran into Rin.” Almost literally, as her focus had been on the pavement cracks, not looking at where she had been going. “I t-told her we’d brought her some p-paints, and she asked me to help her…open the cans.” She glanced up at Dr. Tanaka. “She doesn’t have any arms,” she explained.
Dr. Tanaka nodded. “I know of Miss Tezuka’s disability.”
Hanako shot her therapist a curious look. “Is she also a p-patient of yours?”
“You know I can neither confirm or deny whether another student is a patient of mine. Just as I would not tell another whether or not I see you.”
Hanako blushed. She knew that. “Y-yes, of…course.”
“I will say, our school is small enough that I have a passing familiarity with almost all of the students enrolled here. And I know of her as the artist behind that new mural that’s going up.”
“Oh.”
“So, did you assist her?”
“Yes. For…several hours.” She told him about her adventures in can opening and paint mixing. And how Rin didn’t seem to care about her stutter. Or her scars. “I think she d-doesn’t care about…anything. That isn’t her art,” she said, the realization occurring to her even as she spoke.
“She sounds very single-minded.”
“Yes…” Hanako was surprised to realize she envied that kind of passionate dedication.
“Do you think you’ll help her again?”
Hanako wilted a little and shook her head. “I doubt it. She’ll be…finished, soon. The Festival is t-tomorrow, after all.”
"But perhaps you could spend time with her in other contexts?”
Hanako tried to think of another situation where she might be useful to Rin. “I doubt it,” she repeated. “Still…it was nice. For a day.”
“Hmm.” Dr. Tanaka looked skeptical, but he didn’t push her.
________________________
Later that afternoon, Hanako sat at her desk, organizing her history notes and contemplating taking a break for a snack. She wondered if Lilly was available to join her, or if she was busy with preparations for tomorrow’s festival.
Her ruminations were interrupted by a series of thumps on her door, making her jump. She looked nervously at the door, wondering who it could be, and why they were thumping instead of knocking.
When the odd noise repeated, she reluctantly rose and went to her door. She cracked the door open a couple of centimeters and peered out. She was startled to see Rin standing there, staring at her door. She didn’t shift her gaze to meet Hanako’s, but continued staring straight ahead, as if fascinated by the woodgrain of the door.
After waiting a moment for Rin to say something, Hanako ventured, “R-rin?”
The brilliant green eyes slowly drifted toward Hanako’s face, and met the single eye that Hanako revealed through the barely opened door. “Hanako.” A frown flickered over her face, then she said, “That is your name, right?”
“Uh. Yes?”
“Good. Emi said names are important. When I told her the mystery toilet girl had helped me with the mural yesterday, she got upset with me.”
“M-mystery…” Hanako could feel her face going red. It was only one of the many rude nicknames she’d acquired over the years in grade school and middle school, but she hadn’t heard it since coming to Yamaku. She tried to close the door, but it didn’t budge. Rin’s sandaled foot was in the way. She shoved a little harder, hoping Rin would take the hint and move her foot out of the way, but she remained planted in place.
“Or would you prefer I call you Ikezawa? Emi said that would be more formal, but I don’t like being called Tezuka, so I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to be called Ikezawa. But I’m pretty sure you’re not me, so that might not be a valid assumption…” Rin frowned, and stared down at the floor, looking thoughtful. “I’m not sure what I should call you. Do you know?” She looked back up at Hanako.
Hanako stared at Rin, trying to follow her logic, before giving up. It dawned on her that Rin hadn’t meant that name as an insult, she’d just used it as an identifier. A label. Better to have Rin use her real name. Her shock at being called “mystery toilet girl” faded. Since it didn’t seem she was going to be able to dislodge Rin from her doorstep anytime soon, she replied, “Hanako…is fine.”
Rin nodded sharply, as if that decided something. “Hanako. Good. Names are important,” she repeated. “Emi also said I should have thanked you for helping me yesterday. So, thank you.”
Hanako smiled a little at that, pleased to be appreciated, even if it was a little after-the-fact and with prompting. “You’re…welcome. It was…fun.” For all its oddities, she had enjoyed the afternoon with Rin.
Rin nodded in return and continued staring at Hanako. They stared at each other for a long moment, then Hanako asked, “D-did you want…something?”
Rin nodded again. “I want lots of things.”
Hanako shook her head. “N-no, I mean…why are you here?”
“My mother said I was conceived because an incompetent gynecologist prescribed her a diaphragm for contraception, even though she has a retroverted uterus, which makes—”
“No,” Hanako cut Rin off hurriedly, “I m-mean, why are you here, at my…door? D-did you want something…from me?”
Rin thought for a moment, then said, “I need to finish the mural.”
Hanako waited to see if anything else was forthcoming, then she asked, “D-did you want…my help?”
Rin nodded. “Help would be good. The festival is tomorrow. Speed is of the essence, but not Emi’s kind of speed, she just makes messes. You can open paint cans faster than I can, and you’re better than Hisao at mixing colors. You gave me the orangier scarlet when I didn’t even know I needed it.” She frowned. “But if it was orangier, then I shouldn’t call it scarlet anymore, should I? Names are important. What’s the name for a red that’s oranger than scarlet?” She looked at Hanako expectantly.
“Ah…orange-red?” Hanako offered weakly. Shouldn’t an artist know these things? she wondered.
Rin considered that for a moment, then shook her head. “Too obvious. I’ll just call it Hanako red.”
“Um…” Hanako felt herself blushing at the concept of a color named after her.
Rin finally pulled her foot out of the door and turned to walk away. “I’ll be at the mural,” she said, without looking back.
“But…” Rin didn't stay to hear her objections. She watched Rin disappear down the stairs, then she slowly closed her door. She stared at the door, much like Rin had been doing when she opened the door. What do I do now?
She wasn’t used to people other than Lilly asking her for help, which made her uncertain how to respond. Her initial reaction was to ignore Rin’s request, hide away from her, and stay in her room. Later on, she could venture out briefly for dinner, and maybe have tea with Lilly before bed. That would be a normal Saturday for her. But…
When she’d told Dr. Tanaka about working with Rin, he’d asked her if she’d enjoyed it, and if she might do it again. And she had enjoyed it, overall. It had been awkward and uncomfortable at times, but still, in its own odd way, enjoyable. He’d seemed pleased that she’d successfully spent time with someone other than Lilly, and she’d felt a tiny spark of pride at that.
I don’t have to spend hours with her…just help out a little bit more. She liked the idea of helping more. Of maybe feeling…a little bit useful. For a while. She’d told Dr. Tanaka that there wouldn’t be any more opportunities for her to help Rin, but it appeared she’d been wrong.
Before she could overthink it and change her mind, she pulled on her shoes and followed Rin out of the dorm. She caught up with the artist halfway to the mural and slowed down to match her more sedate pace. Rin glanced sideways at her as she did, and they walked side-by-side the last little distance to the mural.
“Emi said I need to thank people who help me,” she repeated. “In case I forget to say it later, thank you.”
Hanako smiled at that. “Emi…helps you a lot, d-doesn’t she?”
“Yes. She’s my best friend.” Then Rin stopped walking, and turned to Hanako, frowning. “She helps me. Should I thank her, too?”
Hanako considered the notion. “If she’s t-truly helpful…then, yes. You should. You d-don’t want to…take her for granted.”
Rin nodded, then looked back at the dorm, a small frown on her face. “But…I need to finish the mural.”
It took Hanako a moment to figure out what Rin was saying. “You c-can always thank her…later. It doesn’t have to be…right now.”
“But I might forget.” Rin shifted from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t want to forget to thank her, but sometimes thoughts slip out of my head like a bird escaping its cage, and sometimes the bird comes back but other times it flies away forever and then Emi will think I don’t appreciate her when I actually do.” She gave Hanako a surprisingly earnest look. “I really do.”
Hanako smiled, touched by this awkward declaration of friendship. “If you w-want…I’ll help you remember…to thank her.”
“You would?”
Hanako nodded.
Rin’s posture relaxed, and she resumed walking toward the mural. “Thank you.”
“You’re…welcome.”
When they got to the mural, Hanako could see that Rin must have already been painting for most of the day—it was much further along than it had been when they’d left for dinner last night. Rin had mentioned something about the new boy, Hisao, mixing paints, so maybe he’d been helping her?
Rin stopped a few meters away from the mural, and looked at it for a long moment, her gaze traveling up and down its length. After a minute of silence, Hanako asked, “Where…do you want to start?”
Rin lifted a foot to point and said, “I’ll work on these figures on the right. You fill in that section between that torso and that face.”
“Me?” exclaimed Hanako, startled. “I’m n-not…an artist.”
Rin looked at her. “You’re not? But you mixed the color I didn’t know I needed yesterday.”
“Th-that was…an accident!” She’d been trying to match the scarlet as best she could.
Rin nodded, as if that were a perfectly acceptable response. “Good. Serendipity in art is a rare talent.” She walked over to the section she’d assigned to Hanako and gestured at it with an arm stump, “Just paint the top part medium blue and the bottom dark blue.”
“B-but…what if I ruin your painting?”
Rin looked puzzled. “How could you do that? No matter what you paint, it will still be a painting.”
“B-but it won’t be…your painting.”
Rin frowned. “This mural already is…isn’t…” She stared at the wall, a faint look of frustration visible on her face. “It’s my painting. Whatever it is. But it’s also... Other members of the art club have helped me paint parts of this. You can, too. It will be our painting. I don’t really understand this painting, so maybe you can help make its meaning clearer.”
“Oh…” Although the notion that she might somehow add meaning to Rin’s painting was disconcerting, Hanako nonetheless felt reassured to know that other students had painted parts of the mural. And she can always paint over what I do, if she wants, she told herself. “Well…what colors should I use?”
Rin bent over to peer at the paint cans around them. She gently kicked one, saying, “Use this for the top,” then she found another, and said, “And this for the bottom.”
“Should I j-just divide…the area evenly in half?” Hanako asked timidly.
Rin shook her head. “That’s boring. Do it some other way.”
“How?”
Rin shrugged and headed to the section she wanted to work on. “You’re the artist. You figure it out.”
I’m the artist? Hanako watched Rin for a moment, then bent to open the two cans of paint that she’d indicated. She pulled a pair of brushes from the bucket of water they were soaking in, and carefully dried them off, doing her best not to splash herself. I wish I had worn something else, she thought glumly. A white uniform blouse was not the best attire for painting in. She briefly considered returning to her room to change into some older t-shirt, but…
She shook her head. If I go back to my room, I might never come back, she admitted to herself. So she resolved to paint as carefully as possible.
She dipped one of the brushes into the lighter shade of blue, and hesitantly applied it to the empty area between the female torso and the torso with a face at the top. There must have still been some excess water in the brush, because the paint dribbled down the wall. She hurriedly dabbed at the drip with the brush, cutting it off before it could reach part of the painting Rin had already done. She stepped back, and looked at the result. Well…she said to divide it some other way, she thought dubiously. The drip had made the dividing line she’d been trying to paint much more erratic. And, she had to concede, a little more interesting thereby.
She looked over at Rin, to see if she had noticed, but she was fully absorbed in the section of wall in front of her. She…trusts me. To work on her mural. She took a deep breath, and dipped the brush back into the paint can. She can always paint over it if she wants, she reminded herself. Reassured, she began filling in her area with a little more confidence.
Her white blouse was a write-off within the first twenty minutes of painting, splashed and stained. Given that she’d received four new uniform blouses at the beginning of each school year for the past three years, she wasn’t too worried about its loss. She pulled off the black bow from around her neck to keep it clean, and untucked her blouse so it could cover and hopefully protect at least part of her skirt.
Hanako had originally planned to spend an hour or so with Rin, enough time that she could honestly tell Dr. Tanaka that she’d spent more time with her. But the painting proved to be fun. She didn’t deceive herself that she was an artist like Rin—she was just blocking in large areas of solid color for her, some of which Rin added details to, some of which stayed simple—but it felt…almost creative. Kind of like what she felt when she was writing her stories. She knew she wasn’t a real author, but it was fun to pretend. She let her mind drift a little as she painted a broad swash of “Hanako red” across part of the mural, trying to imagine what the whole thing would look like once Rin was done adding her distinctive touch to it all.
Rin was a person of few words, which suited Hanako well. She occasionally asked for help opening a can of paint, or mixing a color, or directed Hanako in what to paint next, but other than that they worked in silence. As time wore on, Hanako grew more comfortable working with her, feeling safe in the knowledge that she wasn’t going to have to converse at length. Wasn’t going to have to stutter and stammer her way through an awkward conversation.
Dinner time came, and Emi appeared to try and coax Rin into going to the cafeteria for a dinner break. Rin refused, and Emi disappeared, only to return fifteen minutes later with a boxed dinner. Two boxed dinners, Hanako was surprised to discover. “Gotta keep her assistants fed, too!” Emi said cheerily as she handed one to Hanako.
“Th-thank you,” Hanako said with a shy smile, touched that anyone other than Lilly might think to take care of her.
“No problem! I’m just glad Rin’s not out here all alone.”
“You…c-could help, too,” Hanako suggested. She knew Emi was Rin’s friend; it seemed a reasonable idea.
Rin snorted as she chewed on a piece of cutlet. Emi stuck out her tongue at her, then admitted, “I’m not patient enough for this kind of stuff. I’ll leave it to you artsy types. I need to move.” Even though she wasn’t wearing her racing blades, she still seemed a little bouncy on her feet, as if she were always on the verge of breaking into a run.
Rin only finished half her meal before drifting back to the mural, but Hanako finished her meal, and closed up Rin’s box, thinking she might want to finish it later. Emi departed soon thereafter with a cheery, “Gotta run! Don’t forget to sleep, Rin!” Rin ignored that directive, and Emi’s departure, as she worked.
Hanako was relieved when the outdoor path lights came on, brightening their canvas against the setting sun. She stepped back for a moment and stretched as she surveyed the mural as a whole. It was looking…almost finished? Given Rin’s abstract style, she wasn’t totally sure she could tell which areas were completed. But as she further studied the wall, she realized that that wasn’t quite true. Several areas, despite being fully covered with paint, felt incomplete, lacking in some detail or accent. Even as she watched, Rin finished working on one section and moved a few meters down to another area, one which Hanako had felt was unfinished. She was pleased that her perceptions were correct. Maybe she was beginning to understand this mural, and Rin, a little bit.
Several hours later, Hanako found herself staring at a stretch of wall, her eyes drifting shut. She shook her head, and set down her brush with a sigh. “Rin? I th-think…it’s time for bed.” She realized that her arms and shoulders were aching from their unaccustomed work.
Rin glanced over at her. She looked not at all sleepy, her eyes bright, looking almost feverish in the lamplight. “No. I just need to do a few more things and I’ll be done.”
“I need to go to b-bed,” Hanako amended.
Rin frowned, as if the notion of needing sleep was a puzzling one, then she shrugged. “Okay.” She turned back to the mural, dipping a brush back into a paint can.
Hanako waited a moment, wondering if Rin would say more, but nothing seemed to be forthcoming. She put her brush in a bucket of water and put lids loosely onto the cans of paint she’d been using. With one last glance at Rin, painting away, she turned and trudged back to the dorm, the prospect of her soft bed drawing her on.
________________________
Hanako tried to sleep in on Sunday morning, but the clatter and chatter of the other girls in the hallway as they prepared for a day at the festival made that impossible. Sunday mornings were usually quiet, but not today. Everyone seemed to be excited about the day’s activities. She sat up in bed and stretched, wincing at the soreness in her arms. Apparently painting engaged muscles she wasn’t used to using.
Listening to the chatter in the hall, she decided to wait before venturing forth. She sat in bed and read for a while, then tried to write. She was working on a short fantasy story about a princess who rescued a dragon, but it kept getting tangled up in her head. After a half hour or so, she gave up on it and slipped out to the bathroom to wash and dress. She donned her school uniform out of habit, even though there were no classes to attend.
She looked out her window after getting dressed to see a steady trickle of students heading to the festival. Even though it was early, it already looked crowded. She shuddered at the notion of being in that horde of people. But there were almost no students heading toward the cafeteria, so it was probably a good time to eat.
The cafeteria was almost empty, and after eating she made her way up to the library. Yuuko wasn’t working today, so she walked past Miss Okimoto with a shy nod. Miss Okimoto looked surprised to see her; Hanako suspected she hadn’t expected to see anyone today. She knew Hanako well enough that she didn’t bother trying to talk with her, simply smiling and nodding back in turn.
Hanako made her way to her favorite beanbag chair and settled in with a satisfied sigh. A day almost totally alone in the library sounded like a perfect way to spend the day.
That perfect day lasted almost four hours before she heard the library doors open, followed by the tapping of Lilly’s cane. Then she heard Lilly speaking with Miss Okimoto. Hanako sighed. She loved Lilly, and was always happy to see her, but she suspected that Lilly would try to drag her out to see some of the festival.
Lilly appeared from around the end of a bookcase. “Hanako? Are you here?”
Hanako suppressed a second sigh, since Lilly would undoubtedly hear it. “Yes. I’m…here, Lilly,” she said, rising from the beanbag.
Lilly oriented toward the sound of her voice and smiled. “I thought I might find you here. Have you had lunch yet?”
“N–no.”
“Neither have I. Would you care to join me in sampling some of our classmates’ offerings?”
Hanako bit her lip. She really didn’t want to venture into the crowds of the festival. “M-maybe we could…get something at the c-cafeteria?” she countered.
Lilly made a little moue of disappointment. “But we can do that any day. We could try something different at the festival.”
“I know, b-but…” Hanako trailed off. Lilly knew perfectly well why she preferred the cafeteria. Why was she pushing her to do something she was so uncomfortable with?
“We could stop by and see Rin’s mural along the way,” Lilly offered. “Wouldn’t you like to see how it turned out?”
That notion gave Hanako pause. She was curious to see the mural fully finished, and in daylight. Maybe even see how other people were reacting to it. She hoped for Rin’s sake that people liked it.
“And you could describe it to me,” Lilly added.
Hanako giggled at that notion. She tried to imagine describing Rin’s abstract work in a manner comprehensible to Lilly. “I’m n-not sure…I could d-do it justice,” she said.
Lilly’s smile grew warmer in response to Hanako’s giggle. “Well, you could at least try.”
“I s-suppose,” Hanako conceded.
“And if the crowds are too large, we could bypass the festival and go to the Shanghai for lunch,” Lilly offered in compromise.
“All right,” Hanako said, giving in to Lilly’s coaxing. “J-just let me reshelve…this book.”
“But of course.”
As they walked toward the wall where Rin’s mural was, Lilly chatted lightly about her morning working at the festival. Several of her classmates hadn’t shown up for their shifts and had to be hunted down by their teacher. And somehow, the supplies delivered for preparing their food were less than what they’d ordered. “Of course, I’m sure Madame President will haughtily inform me that we got exactly what we ordered, no more, no less.” Lilly grimaced, a delicate little “V” forming between her eyebrows as she frowned.
“D-do you think…Shizune…deliberately messed up y-your orders?” Hanako asked hesitantly.
Lilly was silent for a long moment, then she sighed. “No. She is too invested in the festival going well to deliberately sabotage a part of it. Even to spite me.”
“Oh.” That made sense, from what she knew of Shizune.
As they got closer to the mural the crowds became thicker with the festivalgoers wandering the school grounds. Hanako felt herself growing more tense as they approached the other people, and she stared fixedly at the ground, trying to hide her face from view. Eventually, Lilly said, “Isn’t the mural somewhere around here?”
Hanako looked up and was unsurprised to find that Lilly’s spatial memory was correct; they were approaching the mural. She felt a moment of relief that no one was around, looking at the mural, then she felt ashamed of her response. Why weren’t people interested in Rin’s artwork? Was Rin upset that no one was looking at it?
Hanako took a moment to examine the now-completed mural in the light of day. Well…it’s certainly colorful, she thought. The colors were more strikingly vivid in the sunlight. The forms were still interesting, but she wasn’t sure if she understood it any better. She felt a little flash of proprietary pride when she looked at the areas she had helped paint, even though Rin had gone over most of those areas, adding more color and detail.
She spotted Rin sitting with her back against a tree, staring up at the sky through the leaves. Or maybe she was looking at the leaves? She guided Lilly over to Rin, and said, “Hello…Rin.”
Lilly took her cue from Hanako, and also said, “Hello, Rin. Are you enjoying the festival?”
Rin didn’t respond at first, and Hanako felt herself tensing up. She hoped that Rin wouldn’t offend Lilly with her odd behavior. Just as she was about to speak again, to try and evoke some response, Rin said, “Not really.”
“Oh, dear,” said Lilly, looking taken aback by this response.
“Are you…upset th-that no one is looking…at your mural?” Hanako asked.
Rin blinked, and looked around, as if just noticing the lack of art lovers. “No one? But you’re looking at it. Lilly isn’t, but she can’t, so I don’t hold that against her.”
“Um…I g-guess,” said Hanako, not certain if that was an offensive remark or not. She glanced nervously at Lilly, and was relieved that she looked more bemused than offended.
“People were looking at it earlier,” Rin continued. “Sensei brought some people to see it.”
“D-did they…like it?”
Rin shrugged, looking utterly uninterested. “I think so? I’m not sure. Emi and Hisao came by to see it, too.”
Hanako remembered her earlier promise. “D-did you…remember to…thank Emi?”
Rin’s expression lightened for a moment. “Yes. The bird came back.”
Hanako smiled. “Good.”
Lilly looked confused by this exchange. “Hanako? Perhaps you could describe the mural to me?”
Hanako nodded. “Of c-course, Lilly. Um…” She looked at the mural. It was a good ten meters or so wide. It still seemed to Hanako a minor miracle that Rin had managed to finish it before the start of the festival. “L-let’s start…at the left side.” She guided Lilly over to the left end, leaving Rin to resume watching the sky.
Hanako looked at the images that made up the mural and wondered how she could describe it so that Lilly would understand it. Understanding might be an overly ambitious objective, but at least give her some sense of what it was like. She took a deep breath, and began, “It’s a long…mural, showing…lots of body parts.”
“Like…amputated limbs?” asked Lilly, looking uncomfortable.
“N-no, not…bloody, just…focusing on different parts. In different ways.”
“Ah.” Lilly looked vaguely reassured.
“It starts…with a giant ear, as large as m-my torso…resting on a pair of legs,” she began. “Next are the b-bottoms of two feet, side-by-side…almost as tall as you.”
Lilly nodded, and Hanako continued to work her way down the mural, describing the elements that made it up. Part of the problem with trying to describe the artwork was that she couldn’t describe the colors—color was a meaningless concept to Lilly. She couldn’t explain how the purple nose in the middle of a fish-headed face contrasted so sharply with the other colors.
They’d worked their way maybe a third of the way down the length of the mural before Lilly finally said, “I think I’ve absorbed as much as I can, for now.” She sounded somewhere between apologetic and befuddled. “Thank you for being my eyes, Hanako.”
“Of c-course.”
“That was interesting,” said Rin, making Hanako jump. She turned to find Rin standing behind them, looking slightly more engaged than her normal flat expression.
“W-what was?” asked Hanako, once she’d recovered.
“How you described the mural. I never would have described it that way.”
“Oh? How would you have described it?” asked Lilly curiously.
Rin paused, her gaze traveling up and down the length of the mural, as if to remind herself of what she’d painted. “It’s a mural…of a mural. It portrays itself. It looks like someone vomited a herd of butterflies onto the wall.” She frowned. “Do people like butterfly vomit?” she asked.
“Ah…” Hanako had no answer for that.
“I got the impression from Hanako that most of what you portrayed are human figures, or portions thereof?” asked Lilly, sounding confused.
Rin shrugged, either oblivious to or uncaring of the fact that Lilly couldn’t see her response. “If you’re looking at it literally, I guess so.” The interest in her eyes faded, leaving her with her normal flat expression. She stepped over to the mural, and turned to sit down with her back against the wall.
“We’re going…to get something to eat,” said Hanako. “Do you w-want…to join us?” She felt Lilly’s arm twitch slightly under her hand, and she immediately regretted the offer. She should have known Lilly wouldn’t want to spend more time with Rin.
Fortunately, Rin just shook her head and closed her eyes. “No. Thank you. I should stay here in case something happens.”
Hanako almost asked what Rin was expecting to happen, but then she decided that she should take the chance to slip away when offered. “Then…I’ll see you…later.”
Rin nodded, her eyes still closed. “Possibly. Who knows what the future holds?”
“Farewell, Rin,” said Lilly politely, and Hanako turned them down the hill, toward town. Much to Hanako’s relief, Lilly made no comment about the fact that Hanako was leading them towards the Shanghai, not the festival food stands.
After they were far enough away that Rin wouldn’t overhear them, Lilly ventured, “That was…unusual.”
“Yes…Rin’s art is…abstract. Complicated.”
“I didn’t solely mean the artwork. The artist herself is a…unique young woman.” Lilly sounded like she was trying to find a polite way to phrase her thoughts.
“Yes.” After a few moments of thought, Hanako added, “B-but…most Yamaku students…are unique. In one way. Or another.”
“True,” Lilly conceded. She sighed. “But I confess I have always had a fair bit of difficulty engaging in conversation with her.”
“Me too. But…it seems like…she…” She frowned, trying to put her intuition into words.
“Yes?”
“No m-matter how…odd sounding…she might be…she always…means something.” Hanako chewed on her lip for a moment. “Even if…I can’t understand her r-right away…there is meaning th-there.”
"Perhaps,” said Lilly, sounding dubious.
Hanako was pretty sure that Lilly didn’t agree with that notion, but Lilly hadn’t spent a couple of days working with Rin. Nor was she ever likely to, Hanako realized. There wasn’t much Lilly could do to assist Rin, with her visual art.
“Here’s…the Shanghai. Shall we…eat?”
“Of course.” Lilly smiled toward Hanako, and Hanako reflexively smiled back as she opened the door.
“Welcome to the Shanghai!”
_______________________________
In the days after the festival everyone settled back into their normal routines. Hanako felt a little disappointed that she didn’t have to help Rin with the mural anymore, but she’d known that that kind of thing was just a one-time occurrence.
Tuesday after classes were done, she was deep into the book she was reading, curled up in what she thought of as “her” beanbag chair in the library. It was an author she hadn’t read before, recommended to her by the new boy, Hisao. She didn’t normally read much science fiction, but she was pleasantly surprised by how engaging the story was. More focused on the characters than the space battles, although it had some of that, too. Her legs were starting to fall asleep from sitting in one position for so long, so she uncrossed her legs and stretched them out.
“Aww, you moved.”
Startled, she looked up to see Rin sitting on the floor not two meters away from her. She had a sketchpad on the floor in front of her, a pencil clenched in her dextrous toes. “W-what?” She was startled to realize she’d been so engrossed in the book that she’d missed Rin’s arrival.
“No one ever holds still long enough for me to do a complete drawing of them. But I almost got you,” Rin said. She slipped a foot under the sketchpad and angled it up so she could look at it, a thoughtful frown on her face. “You hold still better than anyone else.”
“You’re…d-drawing me?” Hanako asked, startled.
“Not any more.” Rin looked up from the sketch to Hanako. “Cross your legs again. I was almost done.”
“I…I don’t like having my p-picture taken. Or…sketched.” She frowned at Rin. The library was her sanctuary, her retreat from the world. She didn’t like the feeling that Rin could sneak up on her like that, without her noticing.
“I would have asked, but then you would have moved, and then I wouldn’t have been able to sketch you.”
“Why w-would you want to…sketch me anyway?”
Rin shrugged. “You were holding still. Also, your scars.”
“What?” Hanako’s right hand flew up to cover the scarred side of her face.
“I like your scars. They’re interesting. They make you unique. More you.” Rin looked down at the sketch in front of her, and cocked her head. “You’re a rare beauty.”
Hanako stared at Rin, mouth open, unable to think of a thing to say in response to that unprecedented statement. Speechless, she didn’t even bother blurting out an excuse before leaping to her feet and dashing out of the library. Away from Rin.
“Hanako?” she heard Yuuko call after her as she left, but she didn’t turn back or reply. It was only after she got out the front door of the building that she realized she still had the unchecked-out library book in her hand, and she had left her book bag with all of her class notes behind, next to the beanbag. She paused, panting slightly, and leaned against the side of the building next to the front doors.
“Hanako? Are you all right?”
Hanako gave a small yip of surprise, and whirled to see Hisao coming out of the building behind her.
Hanako nodded jerkily. “I…I’m fine, th-thank you.”
“You almost ran me over on your way out of the building. Is the library on fire or something?” Then his eyes went wide and he paled a little. “Er. I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…I meant…uh…that is…sorry…” His pale face slowly turned bright red as he stumbled to a halt.
Hanako blushed. She hadn’t even noticed him in her flight. She rarely noticed anything or anyone when she fled like that. His embarrassment at his unfortunate word choice was…disturbingly cute, actually. She’d long since gotten over being offended by such accidental slips of the tongue. The intentionally nasty comments she’d received over the years put the innocent remarks into perspective.
“N-no…no fire.” She tried to smile reassuringly at him, but she was afraid it came out more like a grimace.
He noticed the book he’d recommended in her hand and gestured to it. “Hey, how’re you liking the book so far?” he asked with a smile, seeming relieved to be able to change the subject.
“What?” The topic shift to something so mundane was disconcerting. She didn’t know quite what to say. She wanted to talk to Hisao, she thought he was nice, but she couldn’t think of a single coherent thing to say in response to his question. “Ah…” She stared blankly at Hisao for a blushing moment, then looked at the ground.
“But…I guess you probably haven’t had a chance to read very much of it yet, so, um. Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking awkward. “I’ll…see you in class tomorrow?”
Hanako nodded mutely.
“Bye,” said Hisao, and he headed off toward the dorms.
“Bye,” whispered Hanako, after he was too far away to hear her reply. She sighed and slumped back against the side of the building.
What an utterly embarrassing encounter. She’d managed to exchange a few words with Hisao in the library a couple of days ago, but now she supposed he’d never bother trying again.
She contemplated going back in to get her bag from the library, but she couldn’t bear the thought of possibly bumping into Rin. She felt a little guilty about leaving with the book not checked out, but she knew Yuuko would forgive her as long as she brought it back to be properly checked out tomorrow. She decided to drop by the library first thing in the morning to get her bag and check out the book.
She pushed herself off from the wall and headed toward the dorm. She was too tired to go back inside and face the crowds in the cafeteria. She’d have to pull something together from the few groceries she had in the dorm kitchen.
She tried to avoid thinking about her encounter with Rin, but the brief conversation kept bubbling up to the forefront of her mind. Rin thought her scars made her…unique? A “rare beauty?” She found that impossible to wrap her mind around. Were it anyone else, she would think they were lying, either trying to reassure her or mock her, but Rin had always been painfully blunt. Hanako wasn’t sure if Rin even knew how to lie, or when telling a lie might be socially appropriate. So, it must be true. At least to Rin. Hanako was aware that one person’s perception of reality wasn’t the same thing as consensual reality, especially when the person in question was Rin. But still…
She sighed. To distract herself from the troubling exchange, she tried to figure out what homework she could do without having her book bag and class notes. The answer was, not much, although she could at least read the next few chapters in the novel she was reading for her literature class. She slipped into the dorm as unobtrusively as she could and headed to her room.
The book held her attention for an hour or so, and then she turned her attention to the story she was trying to write. Without the distraction of unfinished homework waiting for her, she found she was able to write more successfully than usual. She sank into the story as the words flowed with unusual ease onto the page in front of her. She liked the fictional world of her own creation. It was simpler, and easier to deal with, than the real world. Things made sense, because she made them make sense.
A couple of hours later, she heard Lilly’s distinctive tap tap tap on her door. “Hanako? Are you in?” Lilly called through the door.
Hanako closed up her notebook and tucked it away. She got up and cracked the door open. “Hello, Lilly,” she said softly.
Lilly smiled toward her. “I’m told you weren’t in the cafeteria for dinner. Did you eat?”
Hanako briefly considered lying, but then her stomach spoke for her before she could say anything, giving a gurgling whine. Lilly covered her mouth against a giggle and said, “I’m guessing you didn’t.”
“N-no,” she admitted. “I…the crowds…” She trailed off, embarrassed by her shyness.
“Might this have something to do with your sudden departure from the library earlier?”
Hanako stared at Lilly, startled. “How d-did you…”
“Hisao was worried about you, and sought me out to ask about you.”
Hisao. That was nice of him. Hanako smiled, touched by his concern.
“I have a couple of eggs and some rice in the kitchen. Would you like me to make some omurice for you?” Lilly asked. “I don’t have any meat to add to the rice, but at least it would be food.”
“N-no, thank you, I c-can make something…for myself. I have g-groceries, too.”
“Would you like some company while you cook? Or do you want to be alone right now?”
Hanako considered the question. Lilly’s company came with the threat of questions about her fleeing the library. But she could dodge those, and it would be nice to have Lilly to talk with. To distract her from her thoughts about Rin’s comment. “C-company…would be nice,” she said. “If you’re n-not too busy.”
“Any excuse to avoid my math homework for a little longer would be appreciated,” said Lilly. “Just let me put my book bag in my room and we can go downstairs.”
“All right.”
The dinner she made was simple, but filling, and Lilly didn’t ask her about the library. But perhaps because Lilly didn’t ask her about it, Hanako found herself wanting to talk about it.
She felt much better for having eaten, and as she and Lilly returned to their rooms, Hanako said quietly, “C-can I ask you something?”
Lilly paused in the act of unlocking her door. “Of course. Would you like to come in?”
“P-please.” Hanako followed her into her room, and sat by her table in her usual spot, leaning against Lilly’s bed.
Lilly sat down opposite her. “What did you want to ask me?”
“I…” Hanako wasn’t quite sure how to ask what she wanted to know. Start at the beginning. “This afternoon, in the…library. I was r-reading, and Rin drew a picture of me.”
"Was it nice?”
“I d-don’t know. I didn’t…see it.”
“Ah.” Lilly didn’t seem to know quite what to say to that, so she just nodded and waited.
Hanako took a deep breath, and tried to remember the point she was making. Oh. Right. She blushed, and was grateful Lilly couldn’t see her do so. “It’s…the reason I…l-left the library. I asked her…why she was d-drawing me.” She paused for another breath, pleased that Lilly didn’t prompt her during the pause. “She said…because of…my…ssscars.”
Lilly looked surprised. “That seems an unusual reason, but…I suppose an artist would appreciate…variety?”
“B-but more than…that. She said…” Hanako swallowed, and whispered, “She said…my scars were…b-b-beautiful.” That wasn’t quite what Rin had said, but Hanako found she couldn’t give voice the notion that she was beautiful. You’re a rare beauty, Rin had said.
Lilly looked thoughtful. “Well, you are quite beautiful, Hanako—”
“Don’t say that!” Hanako snapped, without thinking. Then she blushed, and stared at the floor, cringing. “S-s-sorry,” she muttered. After several moments of tense silence, she cautiously looked up at Lilly, afraid of the disapproval or anger she was sure she’d see on Lilly’s face.
Lilly was frozen, her expression startled. She seemed taken aback, and looked oddly unsure of herself.
“Sorry,” Hanako whispered again.
“Hanako…” Lilly said softly and slowly. “I…I don't want to upset you, but…you are—”
“Stop. P-please,” Hanako begged. “Please stop.”
Lilly opened her mouth as if to speak, then she closed it again. She nodded slowly. “Very well. We can drop this topic. For now.”
Hanako didn't much care for the implied promise of a future conversation on the topic, but as long as it would get her out of this conversation, right now, she’d take it.
“Th-thank you,” she said as she stood up. “I think…I think I should go…do my homework.” Not that she could do much, without her book bag, but Lilly didn't know that.
“Very well.” Lilly also rose to her feet. She made a small forward motion, as if to approach Hanako for a hug, then she paused, looking uncertain. “I should address those math problems, myself.”
“Yes. R-right. Good night, Lilly.” Hanako turned and left, closing Lilly's door gently behind her.
Back in the sanctuary of her own room, Hanako leaned against the inside of her door, holding it shut against any further threats to her emotional equilibrium. First Rin, then Lilly—what was going on with everybody today?
Rin doesn't seem to know how to lie, whispered a voice in the back of her head. And Lilly is my friend—she wouldn't lie to me.
It might not have been a lie, but it was probably just some stupid “true beauty comes from within” nonsense. She had heard that so many times from so many supposedly well-meaning adults over the years that the phrase made her want to scream. As if the hideous face that she presented to the world could be somehow made irrelevant by that trite platitude.
Lilly had no idea what Hanako’s scars were like. How hideous she really was. She’d once asked Hanako if she could feel her face, to know what she looked like, but Hanako had declined.
Rather than brood on these thoughts, she pulled out the novel she'd been reading and read some more, until her head was drooping with exhaustion. She was grateful that by then it was late enough that there was only one other person in the bathroom as she performed her nightly ablutions.
A rare beauty kept echoing, unbidden, through her mind. As she crawled into bed, it occurred to her again to wonder just what Rin’s sketch of her looked like.
That question kept her awake for another hour.
). I was probably as shocked as you are right now, when I first realized that I was attracted to her. But after examining my feelings, and considering Rin’s feelings, I finally admitted to myself that I am, if not exactly a lover of women, at least a lover of Rin, who almost incidentally is a woman.
.