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I've had some trouble with my normal posting methods so I'd like to post some of my older writing here both to share a copy with the community and also to facilitate any possible conversation that might arise from sharing my work. I'll post infrequently but I would love to hear anything from you guys about my writing and your thoughts.

I love Katawa Shoujo even after all these years and still amazed that so many people are touched by this game. It's become a big part of my life and I hope my writings related to it can be of some enjoyment to you.

I'll post my earliest writings, including possibly a repost as they have been edited and updated.
I hope this can serve as an archive to enjoy.

You guys and this whole community are champs.

My first attempt at KS fanfictions, I wrote this story almost immediately after playing through my second route, Lilly. I got so thirsty for a continuation to that story that I felt compelled to write my own. I'm glad I did since it led to a great deal more.

This was written in a script style, something I wouldn't normally do, but I wanted to capture both the feel of the VN as well as offer accompanying music selections that set the mood while I wrote. I usually try to listen to the KS soundtrack when writing scenes.

This story also set the tone and setting for most of my further writings, with a idealized version of Yamaku and Hisao's life there as a teacher. I had several plot ideas woven into this based on my own perceptions of the game, though I find myself disliking some of them. I dropped a few and kept others for consistency but I wish I could go back and fix things up just a little bit. I know this setting with Hisao and all his friends still at Yamaku is trite and sappy but that's what I wanted more than anything after finishing Lilly's route.

Ten Summers Later

[Daylight]
The harsh screech of the alarm clock fills my ears as the sun streams in through the window, illuminating my bedroom.

I stare at the ceiling for a while, trying to get my eyes to adjust to the brightness that covers the white walls that stretch above me.

Pulling myself out of bed, I hastily put my running clothes on, brush my teeth and splash some water on my face, beginning a routine practiced to perfection these last several years.

Hanging on the door, my suit is ready for school, right where I left it the night before. I get a funny feeling in my chest and it has nothing to do with my heart; I recognize it as pride.

On the nightstand is a collection of prescription bottles, far less than what I used to take to keep my condition in check.

Medical science has advanced to the point where, along with my healthy lifestyle, I only need five pills a day and even then I rarely have any trouble with my heart anymore.

I down the pills without the aid of water, no more a task or burden then drawing breath or putting one foot in front of the other.

Leaving the bedroom, I can already smell breakfast cooking, the scent of the morning filling the hall and leading me down the stairs.

The tall girl at the stove turns around when I enter the room, her face blossoming into a smile.

Tall Girl:
Good morning, Hisao!

Hisao:
Good morning, Hanako.

I put a hand on her cheek and kiss her hair. She smiles back at me brighter than the sun that had woken me up only minutes before.

Hanako:
Ready for the first day of the school year?

Hisao:
Yea, I am. I barely got to sleep last night, though. Even after all these years, I still get the jitters every time I head back to Yamaku.“

Hanako smiles as she sets my breakfast on a plate and hands it to me, our fingers touching for just a few moments.

Hanako:
You'll do great, just like you do every year. You are popular with the students, after all.

I smile and nod. I do get along well with the students. They see me as being both knowledgeable and easygoing, they know they can come to me if they need any help whether it's with schoolwork or personal troubles.

I say a silent thanks to Mutou for setting me on this path to becoming a teacher. I miss him on days like this, but his work in the field takes him away for long periods of time. The only connection we have nowadays are frequent letters and the articles he writes for the many science publications that I subscribe to.

It was thanks to him that I was able to get the position at Yamaku that he vacated in the first place.

I realize how much I owe him and how in debt to him I am.

Hisao:
How about you? Ready for the new year?

Hanako smiles and gives a confident nod, something I will always take notice of considering how she was when we first met.

Hanako:
I still have a few things to get ready, but I will be there tomorrow. My kids are going to need some orientation before we begin on their counseling.

Hanako, like me, followed in the path of education. She has a real way of reaching those kids who other teachers find it hard to connect with. Like I helped her come out of her shell when we were young, now she is helping other young children put the pieces of their own lives back together.

I could not possibly be any more proud of her than I am now.

Taking the food from Hanako with a thanks I head towards the breakfast nook.

[Concord]
As soon as I enter the dining room, I stop cold in my tracks and feel as if I accidentally stepped back to little more that a decade ago

The sun streams in through the window, illuminating a golden halo of curls around a pretty girl's head. She sits serenely with a cup of tea clasped gently within her long dainty fingers, her smile the result of calm serenity, the birds singing in the garden outside the open window adding to the scene. The wind blows in and rustles her hair, causing it to dance and shimmer with pure light.

I have to blink several times before I realize I am not back in that empty classroom on the first day of school all those years ago. I am in the house that I share with Hanako.

And my wife.

Lilly looks up at the sound of my footsteps.

Lilly:
Good morning, Hisao.

She says it with a smile that makes my chest ache, but only in a good way.

I stand there silent for a few moments more, the memory beginning to fade from sight, replacing the young girl I fell in love with the beautiful woman who I married.
She tilts her head at my silence.

Lilly:
Is something wrong? You aren't still nervous about today, are you? You kept twisting about in bed, I was growing concerned.

I smile if for my own convenience, but I'm sure she can hear it in my voice as I reply.

Hisao:
No, not at all. I feel great this morning.

I sigh quietly.

Hisao:
Just remembering another first day of school a long time ago.

Her cheeks color and she nods, understanding the memory which knocked me back off my feet for a minute.

Hanako slips into the room behind me and sits across from Lilly. I sit next to my wife at the table and we begin the task of eating before the busy day begins.

Hisao:
Since you don't start until tomorrow, any plans for today, Hanako?

She looks a bit thoughtful, turning her head slightly and putting a single finger under her dainty chin.

Hanako:
Well, I thought I might head into town and have lunch at the Shanghai.

Next to me, Lilly smirks in the midst of pouring us our tea.

Lilly:
Lunch, hmm? Not to see Kenji again, perhaps?

Hanako turns a bright shade of scarlet.

Needless to say I'm floored by this development.

Hisao:
Wait, what? Kenji?

I don't need to look at Lilly to hear the smile in her words.

Lilly:
Hanako and I had tea at the Shanghai just a few days ago. Kenji was there and they seemed to be quite familiar together in those surroundings.

Hanako's eyes darted away from the both of us and observed nothing but the birds outside.

Hanako:
We...we've had lunch a few times, that's all.

I have to take a few moments to collect my thoughts and get my mind working properly again after this.

Hisao:
Lunch with Kenji? I don't know how I feel about that...

Hanako looks just a little hurt by my comment.

Hanako:
Hisao, he's your friend. Why would you have a problem with it?

Hisao:
Well, it's just that...Kenji is sort of weird.

Lilly finishes pouring the tea and Hanako and I take our cups from her.

Lilly:
I think he's grown quite mature since school.

Lilly puts the teakettle down, her smile turning into just a tiny bit of a frown.

Lilly:
Except for those silly conspiracy books he writes.

Hanako:
Well, not all of them are that silly...

I have a good laugh at that and Hanako brightens considerably.

Hisao:
Well, if you do see him today, tell him I said 'Hello' and I'll expect him next week.

Lilly's smile turns completely into a frown at my comment.

Lilly:
You two aren't going to end up drunk on the school roof again, are you?

Hisao:
Of course not!

I start mumbling into my hand.

Hisao:
It's the school season. We'll drink here.

Lilly looks at me with all the indignant disapproval she can muster.

Lilly:
Just please don't make a mess again this time. Poor Hanako and I had to clean up after the last 'picnic' you two had here. Promise?

I smile remembering the last time Kenji and I got together at the house.

Hisao:
“Rule number one about Manly Picnic is you do not talk about Manly picnic.“

Lilly can't help but laugh now, banishing the tiny frown from her face, her laughter like the sound of a wind chime.. Hanako joins us, her eyes glittering like powdered amethysts.

----------------------------------------

We quickly finish our meal and clear the table, Hanako heading towards the kitchen.

[Sarabande from BWV1010, Musicbox]
Fetching a tall bottle from a wine rack I pour the deep burgundy liquid into a pair of tiny wine glasses for Lilly and myself.

Hisao:
Wine in the morning; you get me started on the strangest habits.

Lilly smiles back at me as I place the delicate glass stem into her long fingers.

Lilly:
Only a glass a day. It's good for the heart, after all.

I can't help but agree with her.

We tap the glasses together and they sing, the rosy fluid swirling within the glass tumblers, warm and glowing as we drink.

I take the glasses and set them aside. I then take her hand into mine and help her stand, pulling her gently into my arms and wrapping my hands along the swell of her hips, whispering in her ear as I do.

Hisao:
I love you so much, Lilly.

Lilly's cradles my face in her hands, feeling the contours of my jaw and cheeks, touching my lips for only a moment before bringing her mouth to mine. I kiss her gently, the warmth from her lips and hair melting into my skin and sending lightning through my toes. She nibbles on my lip for just a moment before pulling away, looking straight into my soul. Lilly may not be have her vision, but I can clearly see the look she gives me.

Lilly:
I love you, Hisao.

We hold for just a while longer until Hanako enters the room.

She smiles at the two of us. She has Lilly's bag in one hand and my suit in the other.

Hanako:
Come on you two. You'll be late!

We reluctantly pull apart, still hand in hand. Collecting our things, we head outside to the car, Hanako behind us.

Hanako:
Have a great day!

Me and Lilly give Hanako a hug and kiss before we leave, sharing a family embrace before we go out separate ways.

I take a moment to appreciate these two wonderful women in my life. This little family we've cobbled together has changed the course of all of our lives. The house seems so empty when Lilly is visiting Akira and the rest of her family or Hanako is gone on one of her trips. I'm appreciative that they're back home where we can all be together.

Lilly and I get into the car and head down the road away from the little house we share with the woman who may as well be our very own sister or daughter.

The last thing I see is Hanako waving to us in the rearview mirror, a sunrise worth of a smile on her bright face and a hand gently over her heart.

----------------------------------------

[Fripperies]
It doesn't take very long to get the gates of Yamaku Acadamy.

The gates to the school grounds are the same as they ever have been. Perhaps a bit more weatherworn, but as strong and tall as they were the first time I saw them.

Funny. When I first came here, I thought of how pompous and frightening they were. As if they were saying to me on that first day, This is where you'll be forever.

Now all they say to me is, Welcome home.

Lilly and I head through the gates arm in arm.

Many student are bustling around, anxious and excited for the first day of school after the long summer break. I recognize many of the faces from years past, and they recognize me and Lilly.

Student:
Good morning, Mrs. Nakai!

Student:
Welcome back, Mr. Nakai!

We greet them with friendly waves and acknowledgments. The sun glows warmly, summer still well and strong here at the Academy. The trees dance in the wind with shades of green high above, rustling and whispering their own greetings to us and student alike. Surrounded as we are by children, we make our way quickly towards the old main building and through the doors.

Just like outside there are many students here, some heading straight for their classes, others staring hopelessly at slips of papers with their schedules on them.

Even among all this racket and confusion though, I spy a color that flashes among the huddled student body.

Unknown:
Wahahahahaha!!! Look, Shiichan~!! It's Hicchan and Lilly!! Aren't they just so cute together!

[The Student Council]
Parting the students like Moses and the Red Sea, I see the familiar faces of Misha and Shizune. The two young women walk arm in arm, students scrambling out of the way of Misha's boisterous presence and Shizune's domineering aura.

Lilly:
Principal, Vice Principal, good morning to both of you.

I give both girls a nod and sign carefully as I talk.

Hisao:
{Hello, Misha. Hello, Shizune. Lovely morning, isn't it?}

Shizune:
......

Misha:
Welcome back to Yamaku Acadamy, Lilly! Welcome back, Hisao! You're right, Shiichan~! Hichan is getting better at signing!

The two exchange a few flashes, their fingers dancing in the air before them.

Shizune:
......

Misha:
Lilly, Shiichan wants to thank you again for all the extra help you gave us getting this school year up and ready.

Lilly nods demurely.

Lilly:
Of course. I was only too happy to help.

Shizune strikes a proud pose, adjusting her glasses to the tip of her nose.

Shizune:
......

Misha:
Of course we would have been ready for today on our own~! But you were a big help! Wahahhaah!!!

I can't help but think that last part was a little white lie on Shizune's part.

Misha's laugh seems to agree with me.

Lilly laughs as well, likely understanding Misha's mirth.

Lilly:
I have no doubts on that, Shizune.

Misha turns to me and looks a bit worried for a moment as she looks me up and down in my running clothes.

Misha:
Umm, Hichan. You exercised already today?

Hisao:
No, not yet. I'm heading down to the track soon, though.

Misha suddenly looks as if someone just popped her balloon. Misha signs what I say almost as soon as the words are out of my mouth. After a few signs of her own, Shizune adjusts her glasses in a superior manner and crosses her arms over her chest.

Hisao:
Something wrong?

Misha waves Shizune off and regains her bubbly attitude.

Misha:
No! Hahhaaha~! I just lost a bet!

From behind us a boy with an eye patch comes running past, trailing his backpack behind in his one arm.

Shizune turns with the speed of a viper, sharply clapping her hands once and signing furiously, faster than I could follow her fingertips!

Shizune:
......!!!

Misha spins around in an identical manner and poses in almost the same position Shizune takes, the two of them indomitable guardians of rules and regulations.

Misha:
Mr. Akimoto! There is no running in the halls at Yamaku Acadamy!!!!

The two of them set off at a brisk pace, hand in hand, after the offending runner.

I suppress a chuckle at the two of them as they leave. Misha's loud hair and even louder voice are absorbed by the flow of students shuffling off into the hallways and up the stairs out of the lobby.

Lilly sighs next to me.

Lilly:
Were they holding hands again?

Hisao:
Yeah, yeah they sure were.

Lilly seems highly disappointed.

Lilly:
Those two should learn some discretion. There are students watching!

Without warning, I slide my hand down Lilly's back, firmly grasping her from behind with my fingertips!

Lilly squeaks in shocked indignation and, I think, a little bit of playfulness.
She quickly slaps my hand away, recovering her stolen dignity.

Lilly:
Hisao! Not at school!

I can't help but laugh, loud and hard. She may say that, but the color of her cheeks tell another story.

Lilly:
Just for that, I'm not going to let you walk me to my class today.

She is teasing me, but she knows exactly how to do it and what buttons to press. I snake my arm back into hers before she can escape.

Hisao:
Aww, but please!

She smiles coyly as she unwinds her arm out from mine.

Lilly:
There's a time and place for that.

[Lullaby of Open Eyes]

The way she drops her eyelids tell me a whole story about what we will be doing when we got home.

Hisao:
Oh, I can't wait for school to be over now.

Reaching out to her I give her hand a loving squeeze.

She hesitates for a moment, listening carefully. Hearing no one around, Lilly wraps her arms around me and we hold each other for several long breaths.

Hisao:
I love you.

Lilly:
I love you.

We reluctantly pull apart.

Lilly fishes from her bag her cane and snaps it fully out.

Hisao:
You okay?

Lilly:
I think I can manage to find my own classroom. You go on. You still have to get your run in before class starts.

I take her hand and gently kiss her fingers, drawing a blush from her pale cheeks.

Hisao:
Lunch?

She nods.

Lilly:
Of course. The usual place?

Hisao:
Sounds perfect.

Lilly smiles as she turns away from me.

Lilly:
I'll bring the tea.

She turns and with the pleasant staccato tapping of her cane, walks down the hallway towards her class.

I watch her leave until she turns a corner and I lose sight of her yellow hair, remembering a little cottage and a field of golden wheat as I do.

I couldn't suppress a sigh even if I wanted to as I turn and go my own way.

------------------------------
[Generic Happy Music]

I make my way through the building and drop my suit off at the faculty room.

Heading outside through the back doors, I find myself at the school activity field. There are a few student warming up in the central green and a couple are already running laps around the track.

From the bottom of the bleachers, a diminutive voice calls out. Emi throws both her hands into the air and jumps as she waves, her running blades cutting back and forth as she does. Then she points an accusing finger at me as I make my way down the steps.

[Standing Tall]
Emi:
You're late!

Hisao:
No, you're early.

Emi smiles her trademark grin, making her look as if she hasn't aged a day since we were in school.

Emi:
Welcome back, Hisao! Misha owes me dinner!

Hisao:
Hah! So that's what she was talking about!

When I make it to the bottom step, Emi gives me a big hug.

I pull quickly away.

Hisao:
Ughhh! You smell like sweaty strawberries!

Emi looks at me with those puppy eyes of her and shatters any of my established defenses.

Emi:
Some of us work hard before school starts. Unlike you who's gotten fat over the summer! What does that wife of yours feed you, anyway?â

I pinch myself, grasping just a bit of extra weight around the midsection.

Hisao:
Not my fault. I've been running every day. How can't I with you calling me just to 'check up'.

Emi giggles, her hands tightly clenched to her chest.

Emi:
Someone has to keep you in shape!

She stands to her full height, barely reaching my neck, bouncing on her running blades as she does.

Emi:
Soooooooo...?

She questions me with a sharp look, fire and challenge in her eyes as she draws closer.

She always forces me to be the one to say it.

Hisao:
Want to go for a run?

Emi laughs and jumps brandishing her legs like a pirate's cutlass.

Emi:
I thought you'd never ask!

Hisao:
Just a mile, though, I have to get ready for class right after.

After a quick but thorough stretch the two of us set our feet on the starting line, Emi's eyes glued to mine.

Emi:
You'd better not disappoint me, Hisao!

I remain silent, trying my best to look as cool as I can.
A few students watch in eager anticipation as two teachers begin too square off and those on the track even jog off to the side, giving us plenty of room with which to test each other.

Somewhere a starter pistol fires and the two of us are off.

[Hokabi]

Emi immediately pulls away to the cheers of her students, leaving me in her dust, her legs cutting the air like knives. I start out slow, my feet pounding the dirt hard, but then I begin to press myself and gain speed. Soon I don't seem so far away from her, barely ten feet behind the woman with lighting in her hair.

With a look behind, Emi sees me gaining on her. Far from worried, her face explodes with a fierce joy as I live up to her expectations.

Then she obliterates my hopes by blasting out of reach and around the bend.

Students shout and encourage us as we go, but Emi is always too far ahead. All I can do is barely keep up.

My heart pounds at a good firm pace against my ribcage. My lungs bring in precious air and force it out again to make room for more. Legs working in time, I feel a small bit of Emi's own fierce joy and pride. I never would have been capable of this when I was in school.

Times like these all the hard work pays off.

------------------------------

[Standing Tall]
Four laps around the circle pass faster than I would have imagined possible. By the time I'm done walking the last few hundred feet to cool down, my heart beats strongly and my lungs pleasantly ache from the exertion.

Emi is in the center of a mob of students congratulating her victory.

She emerges from them and comes over to check up on me.

Emi:
You all right?

There's some genuine worry in her eyes as I straighten and hold my hand to my neck, checking my pulse.

Hisao:
Never better. These new meds they have me on work wonders. I can usually go for twice that without being concerned.

Emi smiles broadly, her nose scrunching up as she does.

Emi:
Great!

A sly look takes hold in her green eyes.

Emi:
Tomorrow?

I laugh and give her a thumbs up.

Hisao:
Count on it!
------------------------------

[Air Guitar]
We cool down on the bleachers as I gulp down a bottle of water. The students have taken back the field and are already running laps once more.

Hisao:
Good group of kids this year?

Emi nods confidently, her legs propped up on the bench in front of us.

Emi:
Yep! A great group! Already went through tryouts and I think we've got the best possible year this time!

I'm a bit surprised to hear that.

Hisao:
You've already put together the track team? It's only the first day of school!

Emi looks at me with that competitive glare.

Emi:
If they want it bad enough, they'll try out in the summer right along with me.

She pokes my stomach playfully.

Emi:
Some of us watch our condition when school is out.

I push her away playfully and stand up from the bench, dusting myself off.

Hisao:
If you have a complaint about what I'm eating, take it up with my wife and Hanako.

Emi:
Maybe I will! How is Hanako anyway? I haven't seen her recently.

Hisao:
She starts tomorrow with some of her kids. She came back from her trip just a couple week ago.

Emi:
Okinawa, wasn't it?

Hisao:
Yep, almost all summer.

Emi:
And you and Lilly?

I look out over the field and back at the school where even now I can imagine Lilly getting her class prepared for the year.

I don't know how to respond at first.

I settle on the only words possible.

Hisao:
Perfect in every way.

Emi smiles broadly.

Emi:
Good for you two.

She stands alongside me and stretches her back.

Emi:
Well, time to get going. I got some kids who need to work on their times.

Hisao:
Yeah, I better get a shower in and head to my own class too.

We part ways but I turn back towards her.

Hisao:
Hey, Emi?

She turns back before hopping down to the ground.

Emi:
Yeah, Hisao?

Hisao:
Speaking of which, how is Rin?

Emi bursts out with a bubbling giggle that shakes her whole body from head to artificial toe.

Emi:
Same as ever! Still in Tokyo at her gallery. Those artsy types can't get enough of her. All she does is paint, wax philosophically and spend time with that boyfriend of hers!

I smile, happy for our friend's success in the art world. I had just read an article about Rin and her career in a magazine. Hard to admit it, but I was just a bit envious of her.

Hisao:
Great to hear! See you around!

Emi:
Bye, Hisao!

Emi bounced off back to the track, gathering students around her like moths to a supernova.

------------------------------

I quickly shower in the faculty bathroom and slip into my suit. It's a lot better than I normally would wear or buy for myself, but it was a gift from Lilly so I wear it with a degree of satisfaction and pride. The inner silk lining feels good against my skin and the tie is just the right off-color of green to accent the shirt, vest and jacket. I probably am a little overdressed, but first impressions are always the most important.

[Letting My Heart Speak]
As I walk down the halls towards my classroom, I can't help but look back on the years since I came to Yamaku. I wish at times that I could go back and talk to my younger self, give him advice on what choices to make and what he should look forward to in the future.

Appreciate the people he will meet.

Take every chance he can to enjoy the time he has with them.

To not be afraid of this place and come to realize just how much of a home it will soon become.

As I think about it though, I can't help but wonder if my interference would only make things more difficult for my young self.. I can't think of even a single thing I would have done different now that I think about it.

I have a loving wife.

A wonderful family.

More friends than ever before.

A job that I look forward to every day.

My health.

Looking back, I can say with honesty that if I ever met my young self, maybe in the halls of Yamaku, maybe in the dorms or the track field. Maybe even that special field of golden wheat in Hokkaido or that snowy clearing when my life took such a drastic turn, I would tell him one and only one thing.

Hisao:
Always follow your heart, kid. Even if it is broken, it will never steer you wrong.

I enter the class and over a dozen fresh new faces look up at me. I know some of them. They have a look of hope and expectation.

Some of them I don't know yet.

They look a bit fearful. Maybe they've only just learned of their disabilities and are unsure of what to expect from this place like I was back then. They wonder what this place will be to them.

This wonderful, magical Yamaku Academy.

I have no doubt they will learn exactly what this place is all about.

Maybe some will find the things I found here. Happiness, love, acceptance, respect for themselves and others. A connection they lacked before that no physical malady can hamper or take away.

I can't wait to see them make their own choices.

I write my name on the chalkboard and underline it boldly.

Mr. Nakai:
Welcome students to the first day of school. Let's get started

Welcome back!

I have to say that your writing was one of the stimuli that launched me into a never-ending spiral of KS fanfics.

Seconding the welcome back. Even if you haven't posted here, many of us have been aware of your presence.

That being said, especially if you intend on posting much of your backlog shortly, I'd recommend you read the sticky on post size and break things up. Silentcook would probably prefer you not break the forums due to post size.

brythain wrote: ↑Fri Jan 08, 2021 11:38 am Welcome back!

I have to say that your writing was one of the stimuli that launched me into a never-ending spiral of KS fanfics.

Thank you! I'm really happy to hear that I had a positive effect! I always love knowing that I helped a person find something they enjoyed.

ProfAllister wrote: ↑Fri Jan 08, 2021 11:57 am Seconding the welcome back. Even if you haven't posted here, many of us have been aware of your presence.

That being said, especially if you intend on posting much of your backlog shortly, I'd recommend you read the sticky on post size and break things up. Silentcook would probably prefer you not break the forums due to post size.

I'm sorry for that, I read the sticky but didn't see anything about post size. Can you direct me to the right sticky or give me an idea of a word count limit/post limits?

FluffandCrunch wrote: ↑Fri Jan 08, 2021 12:52 pm

ProfAllister wrote: ↑Fri Jan 08, 2021 11:57 am Seconding the welcome back. Even if you haven't posted here, many of us have been aware of your presence.

That being said, especially if you intend on posting much of your backlog shortly, I'd recommend you read the sticky on post size and break things up. Silentcook would probably prefer you not break the forums due to post size.

I'm sorry for that, I read the sticky but didn't see anything about post size. Can you direct me to the right sticky or give me an idea of a word count limit/post limits?

...

I think I just told you to take a left where the old elementary school used to be. No idea whether it no longer applies, or if the notice just evaporated.

To make a long story short, assuming it's still in effect, the forum software breaks if it tries to display too much on a given page. The 15-post-per-page limit mostly takes care of that, but starts choking when each of those 15 posts has 100k characters on it. So the general solution/protocol has been to break longer stories/chapters into more bite-sized pieces across multiple posts.

ProfAllister wrote: ↑Fri Jan 08, 2021 3:20 pm No idea whether it no longer applies, or if the notice just evaporated.

Both. Quietly.

Well, I can certainly say your writing has improved a lot since then

Also I think it's the only (potential?) Hanako x Kenji pairing outside of Katawa Kijo I remember...

This piece is a lovely one, I really love pieces or stories that are set in the future, and talk about the life of the characters. It's always interesting to see the vision of the characters' future people can have, and this piece was a lovely one. The fact that Lilly, Hisao and Hanako are living together is, for me, a little too obvious, but you achieved to make it lovely. And I'm beginning to say lovely a bit too much. Also, the music selection is a really cool idea, and it serves the purposes of the scenes very well. The only negative thing I would say, to do a little bit of nit-picking, I'm not very fond of the script style in fanfictions, I think it breaks the continuity of the text, but it's my own take. Of course I would never blame you for your own choices, but I had to say at least a tiny negative point, of a very lovely piece of work.

You made a really good job, reading this piece was a pleasure, given its quality, and I'll look your pieces with great interest when you'll want to share these with us. Really good job.

This is the second story I ever wrote for KS and, honestly, I've really come to dislike much of the tone I put into it. When I was writing this, there was a lot of discussion of which girls would be 'losing' without a relationship with Hisao and many people tried to justify various ways all the girls could get 'Good' endings'. Fapfics were also popular so there was a lot of demand for 'HisaoxLillyxHanako' stuff to satisfy both demands.

If I could go back, I would remove the eventual poly-relationship and just have Hanako offer to be Lilly and Hiao's surrogate. But I stuck to the story and kept it going as is on the overall timeline. It also forced me to drop the far more interesting potential of the HanakoxKenji relationship which I wish I had pursued more.

Forgive me for any cringe in the words below.

----------------------------------------

Part One
 
[Stride]
The living room is very quiet, painfully so. The only sound is the ticking of the clock, every click an uncomfortable shudder that runs up my back, counting down the seconds.
I sit next to Lilly on the couch, holding her hands in mine. She squeezes them every so often, hard enough to turn my knuckles white, but I don't mind. I'm just as nervous as she is and I'm squeezing her fingers almost as hard.
 
Hisao is pacing back and forth slowly, with a look of deep concentration on his face, the same face he wears when he's answering a student's difficult question. I can tell though by the way his eyes shrink to tiny dots and his forehead crinkles over his nose that he's just as impatient as the two of us are, maybe even more so. He's worried and scared, though he would never want us to know how upset he really is.
 
He's holding in his hands the cause of why we're all sitting around in uncomfortable silence. That tiny, white plastic stick, like so many others that have been used and thrown away is the reason we're all sitting here quietly waiting for the recommended time to lapse.
 
“Hisao, what does it say?” Lilly asks, her voice shaking. I squeeze her hands tightly, trying to lend her whatever strength I have.
 
Hisao turns to us, his eyes flashing down to the object in his hands. “I'm sorry, Lilly, but it hasn't even been the full two minutes yet.“
Lilly sighs, her pale shoulders slumping.
“It seems like it's been much longer than that....”
 
I try to smile and put an arm around her, holding her close to me. “It'll be okay. I'm sure we'll have good news this time. You'll see.“
 
Lilly weakly smiles, rewarding me for my efforts to cheer her up. “Thank you, Hanako. I hope so as well.”
 
Hisao and Lilly have been trying to have a baby. With all the talks you get about using protection and being safe when you're a teenager, I never thought it would be so hard for two people to have a child after they're married.
 
I see Hisao's eyes light up and eyebrows raise as he peers at the pregnancy test one more time. I sit up at attention, a quiver running through my heart, but then his eyes droop and his arms go limply to his side.
I sit back again, heartbroken on their behalf.
 
“It's negative, isn't it?” Lilly asks, sensing our disappointment, her voice barely a whisper.
Hisao drops the test into a trash can and replaces the lid, unable to look at it anymore.
“Yeah.”
He turns towards us and forces a weary smile.
“We'll have better luck next time, though.”
 
I know he's trying to make Lilly feel better, but I can see in his eyes the doubt and worry left unspoken, the concern he hasn't mentioned to Lilly.
 
He thinks it's his fault.
 
All those years of so many pills and medications, Hisao thinks it's his fault he can't have a child with Lilly.
 
Seeing the two of them like this is the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. I wish there was something I could do to help them except pointlessly sit here, disappointment again and again visiting the two most important people in my life.
 
Lilly has a tired smile on her face.
“Yes, next time,” she says wistfully.
 
Hisao sits on the opposite side of Lilly from me and wraps his arms around her, the three of us holding each other close together.
 
He touches her face with a gentleness I've come to envy.
 
“Hey now, it's not like we don't enjoy trying, you know?“
 
Lilly turns a little red and I giggle.
 
“No, of course not.”
 
Now Lilly is really red.
 
She's so pretty when she blushes.
 
“Thank you, Hanako. I know it's been hard for you as well. With me and Hisao needing so much....private time together. I hope you don't feel put out of the house because of us.“
 
I shake my head, tucking a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. “Of course not. You two deserve all the time you need. I know you'll make great parents.“
 
Lilly's smile is a little stronger now and she breathes a sigh of relief as she gets up from the couch.
 
“Well, shall we have some dinner then?” she says hastily.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” I reply.
“I could eat a horse,” Hisao says with a grin.
Lilly laughs and runs her fingers through his messy hair.
“You'll have to settle for what I cook for you. I'll start. Hanako, would you help me in a little bit?“
“Sure, Lilly.”
 
She exits the room leaving Hisao and me sitting on the couch. At first I feel a little awkward. Hisao sinks down into himself and into the sofa, surrounded by cushions and an air of misery. I'm not sure what to say. Lilly wants something to occupy her mind from their problems but Hisao is left alone to wallow in them.
 
I should do something.
I do the first thing that comes to mind.
 
I turn the television on and flip the channels for a while. Then I turn the volume up a little high and set the remote down so Lilly can't hear us.
 
I take Hisao's arm, wrap it around my shoulder and lean up against his chest. “You okay?”
 
Hisao looks down at me with the sweetest, saddest eyes I can imagine and makes a pained, rumbling noise in his chest.
“It's all my fault.”
“You don't know that, Hisao,” I try to reassure him, “you're just having some bad luck. It'll happen at the right time, I know it.“
 
Hisao shakes his head, tightly wrapping his arm around me and letting his head rest against my hair.
 
I can feel his breath rustle my bangs.
 
“It has to be me. There isn't any other explanation. All those years of taking my medication, I never thought much about what it would do to me in the long run. A few lost night's sleep here or there, a couple of nightmares, nothing more. Now that I've finally got my condition under control, now the side effects start showing up and Lilly is the one who has to suffer for it.“
 
His lip twists into an ugly, self hating expression. I can't help but flinch to see that bitter look on his face. “Lilly deserves better than this....”
 
I put a hand on his chest over the faded, white scar from over a decade ago. “There's nothing wrong with you or Lilly. I know you two will have a baby. You deserve one. You took care of me when I needed you and you'll have the chance to do the same for your child as well, whenever they may show up. All you need is a little patience.“
 
Hisao lets my words sink in for a few minutes and then he smiles at me, making my heart flutter and face warm up.
 
“Thank you, Hanako.”
 
He kisses me on the cheek just next to my lips and my skin burns where he touches me.
“Me and Lilly owe you a lot.”
 
Tell him how much you love him. Tell him that you need him and Lilly. Tell him you'll never be able to pay them back for all that they did for you.
 
Tell him you want him.
 
“I-I know.”
I giggle weakly and wink at Hisao.
 
He hesitates, then smiles at me and stands from the couch, stretching as he does.
“Let's not keep Lilly waiting. I'll set the table, okay?“
 
“Sure Hisao. I'll be right there.”
 
[Painful History]
Hisao leaves me alone in the living room with the blaring television. My smile vanishes from my face as he steps out of the room.
 
I know I've come a long way.
 
I barely stutter anymore.
 
I can go out by myself and be perfectly fine with people looking at my scars.
 
I borrow Lilly's clothes and I'm not bothered in the least to show a little shoulder or leg.
 
I know I can be pretty.
 
I can look someone in the eye for a whole conversation and not flinch away.
 
But I still can't tell Hisao and Lilly what the mean to me.
 
I just can't say how much I love the two of them.
 
How can I use words, any words, to express just what I feel?
Is there some magical phrase I can use to convey just how deeply I love them?
 
Exactly how do I love them, anyway? What are they to me? My best friends, yes, but what else?
 
Are they my brother and sister or something more intimate? I long for them and it's tearing me up inside to see them suffer through this.
 
I sigh and wipe my eyes clear.
 
I may not be able to put my feelings into thoughts or words, but I know that I love them more than anything in the world and I'll be here for them no matter what, the same way they were there for me.
 
After a few minutes, Hisao pokes his head into the living room. He looks at me curiously. “You going to join us?”
I smile and turn the television off.
“Coming, Hisao.”
 
----------------------------------------

Part Two
 
[Daylight]
Several Months Later...
 
The first day of school comes around and the usual routine gets picked up again.
I wake up early, my face resting on a stack of pages that I was unable to finish the night before.
 
I groan in discomfort. I stayed up way too late last night trying to finish Kenji's new book and I'm paying for it now.
 
I'm a little embarrassed, but I drooled on it and have to shake the top few pages dry. I'd die if I handed Kenji his unpublished book back with spittle on it.
 
Opening the shades and letting the morning sun in, I can feel the warmth spread across my skin, bringing me to full wakefulness. I only got back from my trip to Okinawa a week ago and the feeling of sleeping in my own bed again still hasn't lost it's novelty. I'm glad for the time I had away, a chance to clear my head and refocus myself for the upcoming school year.
 
This will be my last day off before I return to Yamaku as a counselor. Being able to help students who find themselves unable to deal with the disabilities that brought them there has become a love of mine, especially for those children who suffered through an accident and are still living with the trauma.
 
My own experience and the testimonial I wear every day I think makes it easier for them to relate to me and open up about their own problems.
 
But that's not until tomorrow.
 
I quickly shower and dress and sit in front of my mirror, running a brush through my long hair again and again. I don't cover up my face as much as I used to, but I keep my hair long out of preference.
 
Besides, Hisao likes girls with long hair.
 
I stop brushing and let my fingers touch the livid scars on my face. Though slightly sensitive, they don't nearly stand out as much as they used too. Treatment and time has caused the once leathery, puckered flesh to begin fading away. They'll never be completely gone and I'll always live with them, but they don't bother me nearly as much as they used to now that they've faded a little.
 
Then again, maybe they actually are as bad as they once were and their improvement is only in my imagination. I'm not entirely sure. Either way, I'm not bothered by it.
 
I touch my face, pull my hair back and smile, saying the words like a mantra.
 
“I am pretty.”
 
I used to have to convince myself every morning that it was true.
Now I know that it is.
 
[Friendship]
From outside the door I hear Lilly speak in a low, teasing voice.
“More than just pretty, Hanako.”
 
I turn red, nearly dropping my hairbrush. “L-Lilly!?”
 
I can't believe she's up this early, but then I remember she's probably getting ready for school.
 
“May I come in?” she asks.
 
Trapped in my embarrassment, I fuss around with things in my room, though I know there's no good reason to do so. My room could be a mess and Lilly wouldn't notice if she didn't trip on anything. I'm just buying time for my blush to vanish.
 
“C-come in,” I say after rearranging my makeup case on my desk for the second time and scooping a few loose pawns off the carpet.
 
The door opens and Lilly walks in, still in her black silk jammies, her long, pale legs peeking out and her beautiful hair still in a pretty mess. I turn red again in the face and this time I can feel the heat in my cheeks.
 
I used to be jealous of how pretty Lilly was, but now all I can think of is how beautiful she looks, especially in the morning.
 
“Good morning, Hanako.”
 
She holds her arms open towards me.
 
I stand up and hug her tightly, pressing myself against her as much as I can.
 
Lilly seems a little surprised by the warmness of the gesture. “Is everything all right?”
 
I nod, my cheek against her shoulder. “Yeah. I just remembered how pretty you look in the morning.“
 
Lilly's cheeks flush. She turns my chin up and kisses me close to my lips.
 
If I just tilted my head only a little bit, I think to myself.
 
The thought makes me feel warm all over.
 
For a moment or two I seriously contemplate it.
 
Instead, we pull apart and I sit down at my desk and Lilly finds the edge of my unmade bed.
 
“Ready for school?” I ask.
 
Lilly nods, folding her hands in her lap. ”Yes, I'm looking forward to this year. How are you feeling about it? Are you all ready for tomorrow?“
 
I pick my hairbrush up from my desk and step over to Lilly, sitting on the bed next to her, the cushion soft under my weight. I wrap my fingers in her golden hair and begin slowly brushing it from the top of her head to the tips of each lock. Her curls bounce and shimmer with the light coming through the window. She hums a familiar tune as I brush her long hair.
 
I love the way it feels between my fingers.
 
“Yeah. I like to travel, but it's nice to come back to Yamaku.“
 
Lilly turns towards me and smiles. “Brings back good memories, doesn't it?”
 
I smile back at her. “A lot of them.”
 
I finish brushing Lilly's hair and she stands up, straightening her night shirt.
 
“Well, I'll get dressed.”
“I'll start breakfast, if you want.”
“Thank you, Hanako.”
“Is Hisao up yet?”
Lilly shakes her head and giggles. “No, still asleep, poor dear. He was tossing and turning all last night. He was so nervous about today he barely got any rest.“
 
I frown a little. “Why?”
Lilly shrugs. “First day jitters, I guess. Same as every year. You know how much pressure he puts on himself."
 
I pause and think about what I want to say for a few moments before I say it. “Lilly?”
Lilly raises her eyebrows curiously.“Yes, Hanako?”
 
My hand starts to cover my face and I have to yank it back down to avoid the old habit.
 
Take a moment and breathe, I think. Don't stutter, don't stutter. Look in the eyes when you talk to someone.
 
“Are you and Hisao doing all right?”
 
The question seems to take a long time to reach Lilly, hanging in the air between us for several minutes.
 
Lilly sadly smiles. “Because of our troubles having a baby?”
“Yes....”
 
Lilly sighs and then sits back down, putting her arms around me. I lean into her warmth, resting my head against her neck.
 
She smells wonderful.
 
“Hisao and I are perfectly fine, Hanako. Our...difficulties aren't coming between us. It's frustrating, yes, but the two of us are happy. I don't want you to concern yourself overmuch on our behalf.“
“I know. But you must have been trying all the time I was gone, right?“
Lilly looks very sad for a moment before she answers me. “Yes.”
“Anything?” I ask hopefully.
Lilly shakes her head.
“I'm only glad it was the summer break,” she says with a weary sigh, “otherwise we would never have been able to keep up with school work. I think we've exhausted each other.“
 
My face turns red.
 
Oh, no.
 
I can feel it rising up in my chest and I can't help but giggle.
 
Lilly look almost offended. “Hanako!”
 
That did it.
 
Now I'm laughing out loud, my head against Lilly's shoulder.
 
I bite down on my lip to stop my giggling.
 
“I-I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I can't....”
 
I start giggling again, with a very unladylike snort as well.
 
Lilly smirks and then joins in my laughter, trying to maintain her composure, a hand in front of her mouth.
 
“I hope your 'healthy adolescent sex drive' is still okay,“ I tease.
 
Lilly tries to hide it, but her face turns red and she has a little knowing smile on her face.
 
“Well, at this point it's more of a healthy 'adult' sex drive, wouldn't you say?“
 
“Be careful with Hisao, he has a condition.“
 
Lilly laughs. “There were a couple times when I think he was pushing himself a little too hard.“
 
I giggle, unable not to imagine it. “I would have liked to have been there and seen that.”
 
Lilly smiles at me and my face grows even more red, realizing what I just said.
 
“Really now?”
 
Though she can't see, Lilly seems to lock eyes with me, a little playful smirk on her lips and a tiny lilt to her brow.
 
My face is glowing, I know it. I can feel my cheeks change color.
 
“I-I mean, um, n-no, what I meant was....”
 
Oh, no, what do I do now?
 
My mind fills with all sorts of things I shouldn't be thinking about, but they all crash around my head like a stack of photographs thrown off a roof. Images of Lilly and Hisao doing things that make me go lightheaded and cause my heart too race uncontrollably.
 
“I-I-I'mgoingtogomakebreakfastnow!”
 
Straight backed, face red, I retreat from my own room. The last thing I see as I peek around the door is Lilly still smiling after me.
 
The way she's smiling only makes my cheeks burn brighter.
 
----------------------------------------

Part Three
 
[Ease]
An hour later Hisao and Lilly have left for work at Yamaku and I'm left alone in an empty house. I had planned on wasting the day between getting lost in a good book and playing some video games, but something Hisao said during breakfast convinces me to head into town. I can get some shopping done and Kenji may be at the Shanghai.
I convince myself the only reason I'm going to see him is to give him my opinion on his latest book.
It has nothing to do with the fact that I'd like to see him again.
 
I drive into town and park in front of the tiny Aura Mart.
It's not long after summer, but there's a chill wind in the air. My jacket and hat are enough to keep me warm, though.
I look in the rear view mirror for a moment at my face, contemplating what I'll do.
I push my mother's hat back on my head and tie my hair into a braid, clear from my eyes. I give myself a smile before I walk into the market.
 
I go up and down the alleys, picking up what we need at home from a small list. I feel a little bittersweet when I see Lilly's very careful and precise handwriting, practiced over so many years.
 
-Pregnancy Tests
 
How many more of these things will we need to pick up? I wonder.
 
I find where they're located and put a couple into my shopping basket.
That's when I notice I'm being watched.
At the other end of the alley, some guy in a windbreaker who I've never seen before is doing a poor job of hiding the fact that he's staring at me. His attempts aren't helped by the fact that he's the only guy in the ladies' aisle.
 
I have that old impulse to cover my face, but I still my hand. I realize my first impression was wrong.
He's not looking at my scars.
He's staring at my ass!
 
I give him a sour look just as our eyes meet, his eyes accidentally locking onto mine. He looks embarrassed, probably more from me thinking he was staring at my scars and not my rear.
He beats a hasty retreat, shoving an armful of tampons into his basket to look busy.
 
At first I'm a little disgusted, but then almost relieved.
It's a little nice to be stared at for the right reasons.
 
I pay for my groceries and store them in the car, getting my book bag out as I do. The Shanghai is only a little distance away so I decide to walk there.
The sun is warm, but the wind makes me shiver. I pull my jacket tight around my arms and stick close the buildings to avoid the bitter wind. A few people in town wave when they recognize me and I say hello back. I even catch up with a few of them when they ask me how my trip to Okinawa went. Nothing happens in a small town like this without news traveling fast, especially when you're involved with Yamaku.
 
I eventually find myself walking into the Shanghai at around lunch time. Scanning the tables, I can't help but smile when I see him hunched in his usual booth, surrounded by stacks of paper, a laptop and several open books in tiny piles scattered about the table. His nose is barely inches from the screen or the page he carefully pours over. He has so many of them that the pages and stacks of books flow over into another booth entirely. The wind may be cold outside, but that's no reason to wear a coat that heavy when it's still summer. With his distinctive scarf coiled around his neck several times, Kenji looks ready for winter months ahead of time.
 
[Out of The Loop]
“H-hello, Kenji,” I say a few feet before I reach his booth.
There's a flash of light in his over sized lenses and I swear I can see his ears twitch suspiciously at the sound of my voice
“Who is that?” he asks in a guarded tone, his hands lightly covering the text of the book he's been reading.
I hold back a giggle at his expense.
“It's me, Hanako.”
Kenji looks both relieved, pleased and surprised at the same time.
“Hanako? Oh, um, I wasn't expecting you today. I thought someone had followed me here.”
Kenji looks around the restaurant suspiciously.
“I can't be too careful. If my document got into the wrong hands, my publisher would have my head. Not to mention the damage it could do if these secrets got out before the world was ready for them. It's an unbearable burden.“
 
I'm used to the way Kenji talks by now. I always thought it was odd that he and Hisao had become such good friends since school. I know they lived right next to each other in the dorms, but I never thought they had that much in common. Still, the two of them are close and Kenji has spent enough time at home that his quirks don't really bother me any more.
 
Sometimes he can even be kind of cute.
 
“Well, you don't have to be worried about that. I have your draft right here, safe and sound.“
 
Kenji suddenly makes an alarmed, choking sound. He practically dives into one of the book bags on the seat next to him and digs around in it.
“What happened!? Did I drop it outside? Oh God, no! Did anyone read it!? Please tell me no one has read it!?“
 
A few of the other patrons turn from their meals and stare at Kenji in confusion.
“N-no!” I try to tell him in the same soothing voice I use to talk to one of my students. “Don't you remember? You let me borrow it so I could read it and let you know what I thought!“
 
Behind his glasses, Kenji's eyes practically glow with suspicion.
“That doesn't sound like me at all! Are you sure it was me who you were talking too?“
 
I blink.
“Who else could it have been?”
“I don't know! Maybe a clone, an imposter, a clever disguise! My Doppelganger! The possibilities are endless!“
“Then why would they have your draft?”
“Maybe they stole it from me!”
“And then they gave it to me to give back to you?”
 
Kenji scratches the stubble on his chin in deep thought.
“It is a treacherous plot, that much is true...”
 
Thankfully I remember Kenji himself had a plan if this happened.
“Well, when you gave me the draft, you told me to say 'Honeymuffin' to prove it was really me when I returned it.“
 
I'm not exactly sure what the password means. I told Hisao and he seemed to think it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.
I didn't get it.
 
Kenji's eyes light up behind his thick glasses.
“Oh! Why didn't you say so? Then it must have been me! And that must have been you! Please, sit down.“
 
I take a look at the crowded booth, overflowing with papers and books.
Kenji notices my stare and his face turns a little red.
He grabs a handful of papers and shoves them under the booth with a loud crash, clearing a spot across from him
“There! That good?”
 
I nod and say 'thank you' as I sit down.
 
[Everyday Fantasy]
Kenji rearranges a few stacks of paper, clearing the table between us. He's practically inside his own little shrine surrounded by any and every possible reference material he may need, a tiny fortress of papers and loosely organized folders.
“I'm surprised your working on your book here in public. It must be hard to focus.“
Kenji shuts off his laptop and slips it into his bag, clearing the table.
“Nah, not really. It's actually better this way. My apartment may be under surveillance so I try to stay in public areas. That way no one will try and make a move on me.“
 
I look over at the second booth filled with more papers and stacks of books.
“Do they really let you take up two booths at the same time?“
 
Kenji shrugs and waves his hand, dismissing my question.
“Who knows? I usually end up buying a few meals while I'm here, so they don't mind. Speaking of which, what can I get for you?“
 
“Oh, you don't need to do that, Kenji.”
He smiles and leans back. He quickly readjusts his glasses to keep them from falling off his nose.
“Nonsense! I insist!”
He flags down a waitress and orders another drink for himself. I order a small lunch salad and Kenji tells her to put it on his tab.
I'm sure Kenji missed it, but I catch her rolling her eyes when he says that.
 
She walks away and Kenji follows her with his gaze, adjusting his glasses when she's out of range. I'm a little surprised and maybe a little jealous.
“See something else on the menu you like?” I ask him flatly.
Kenji turns back quickly, red in the face and focuses his attention on straightening a few sheets of paper in front of him.
“Oh, um, no! I mean, it's just that waitress. She kind of reminds me of someone I used to know. She...used to work here....“
I'm a little surprised by Kenji's tone. I can't tell with his glasses on, but he looks like he's looking off into the distance for a minute.
“You all right?” I ask a little sheepishly.
 
Kenji snaps out of it and sits up in the booth, snapping his fingers.
“Yea! Right! The draft! What did you think of it?”
Even for Kenji that was a quick change of subject. I decide to leave it alone.
 
“Well, to be honest I didn't understand most of it. It was very interesting, though. Confusing at first, but I liked the part about, um, what were they called, those big stones in England?“
 
“Oh, yea! If you think the Druids built those, you're fooling yourself! The truth is far more sinister, I can tell you! You just need to know where to look! It's all part of the conspiracy, Hanako! You'll see when my new book goes to print.“
He looks around the restaurant with a poignant glare.
“They'll all see...”
 
Kenji's books aren't really something I would pick up on my own to read. But he keeps writing them and getting published, so I assume they sell fairly well. Hisao has the whole set, in fact.
They do spend a lot of time on the shelf, though.
 
“I'm usually a fan of fiction, but they were very informative,“ I say, trying to think of a compliment.
 
Kenji seems very proud.
“Well, that's what it's all about, isn't it? Informing the public, getting the news out, blowing the lid off the greatest conspiracy our world has ever known! Showing the truth behind the lies and exposing the everyday tyranny around us! People need to know the truth! It's out there! The truth, I mean. Somewhere! I just haven't found it yet. But I will!“
 
The waitress returns with Kenji's drink and my lunch. We spend the next few minutes in silence, me eating and Kenji carefully reading an eerie looking and extremely old book he's been very careful to keep at arm's length and out of sight.
 
“I was a little confused, though,” I say between bites, “there were a lot of blacked out parts to it, like someone took half the book out.“
 
Kenji sighs and sets his drink down.
“That would be my publisher. She's a real hard case, you know? Keeps insisting on 'editing' and 'correcting' and 'fact finding' every little thing I write down! Won't let me show the pure truth to anyone! I turn in a thousand page manuscript and she hacks it down to a three-hundred page pamphlet. It's a little disheartening that all of my best writing is left on the cutting room floor. She say's it's because of 'legal repercussions' and 'lawsuits' and 'class action' nonsense. Phffff! I suspect she may be an enemy agent sent as a mole to stop me!“
 
I can't help but smile. I don't blame Kenji's publisher. If his written ramblings are anything like his verbal ones, I suspect that she's looking out for what's best for Kenji. He'd never think of that, though.
 
“Enough about me, how have you been doing? Enjoyed your trip?“ Kenji asks.
 
I put my fork down and set my empty plate aside.
“I did! I spent most of my time on Okinawa Honto, but I visited a few of the smaller islands as well. I saw Shuri Castle and ate at this great place called Restaurant Suimui. They had the best brown sugar sherbet! I spent a lot of time at Shikinaen Gardens too and picked up some pottery in Tsuboya as a gift for Lilly and Hisao. I even spent some time in the American Village. That was really neat! A little weird, too. It made me think about going to America next year.“
 
“America?” Kenji seems surprised by my enthusiasm. “That's...an awful distance to go alone.”
 
I can't help but smile over the sound of concern in his voice.
“I wouldn't plan on going alone, silly. I'd definitely want to share the trip with someone. Who, I'm not sure....,“ I say suggestively.
 
Kenji rubs the back of his neck.
“Well, yea, of course. Going with someone would be a lot safer and fun too, I guess. Maybe you could...maybe get Hisao and Lilly to come along, that could be fun. If they get the time off, I guess. Hisao says he'd like to see America at least once and Lilly is half foreign, so she'd fit right in.“
 
I smirk a little at Kenji's expense.
That's all right, I think, you can take your time.
 
Kenji latches onto the change of subject quickly to save himself any further embarrassment.
“So how are Hisao and Lilly doing? Haven't seen him recently with the school year starting up.“
 
“They're doing good. That reminds me; Hisao says 'hello' and he'll expect you two weeks for Manly Picnic.“
 
Kenji's grips his fist victoriously with a look of eager anticipation on his face.
“Great! I was wondering what he was planning.”
“Lilly says that you're not allowed to make a mess this time, though. You have to clean up after yourselves.“
 
Kenji look a little put off by Lilly's stipulation.
“You can't say something like that! Manly Picnic is not something you can plan out! You never know what could happen! The weather, death and Manly Picnic are the things in life you can never predict! People could die! It's like a earthquake! And if Lilly is talking about the front door, that wasn't my fault at all. Hisao was the one who wanted a drawbridge for the fort!“
 
“Rules are rules,” I say cooly.
Kenji groans, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Alright, fine. So what else have the two of them been up to besides ruining time honored traditions?“
 
[Stride]
The inconsequential small talk stops dead in my throat.
“Well, they....”
I'm not sure what I should say. Everything is great right now, but the one thing that comes to mind is the only thing I can think to mention.
“L-Lilly and Hisao have been having some t-trouble recently....“
Kenji squints, making him look like a rat concentrating very hard.
“Marriage trouble?” he says doubtfully.
“No.”
The idea seems ridiculous to both of us.
“Then it isn't....um, 'bedroom trouble'?” Kenji says carefully.
 
I'm a little embarrassed at first because now the only thing I can think about is Hisao and Lilly in the bedroom for the second time in the same day!
“O-oh, no. N-Not at all,” I say sheepishly, my hand hovering over my burning cheek.
“No problems there. At least that I know of. Wh-which I wouldn't, of course.”
 
“Then it must be baby problems, right?”
I'm surprised Kenji would know anything about it and I ask him how he knew.
 
He shrugs, looking a bit uncomfortable.
“Last time me and Hisao got together it's all he talked about after he had a couple bottles in him. He seemed pretty worried it was his fault. I told him he should see a doctor if it was worrying him that much, but he ignored me. Even got a little pissed off at me. I guess it's no secret, but he hates doctors.“
 
I nod, looking down at the table between me and Kenji.
Of course Hisao hates doctors. One of the reasons he's so careful and attentive to his health nowadays is so he can avoid them at all costs.
“They say they're all right, but I really think it's bothering both of them a lot.“
 
Kenji nods, fingers in a thoughtful steeple in front of him.
“You know, he didn't listen to me when I suggested the doctor to him. Maybe you'd have a better chance of convincing him or get Lilly to do it. This isn't something he should just ignore. If there's a real problem, he should get it checked out.“
 
I think about it for a while before nodding.
“Yeah, I guess. You're right, Kenji. I really should talk to Hisao about it soon. Both he and Lilly should see a doctor.“
 
I smile up at him.
“You're a good friend, Kenji. Lilly was just saying how mature you've become.”
 
Kenji smiles back at me warmly.
“Nah, just looking out for my bro. But you're a lot better at this sort of thing than I am, Hanako. If anyone can convince Hisao and Lilly to do the right thing, it's you. You should hear the things Hisao says about you.“
 
Surprised, I stare at Kenji and watch him for a while for any sign of exaggeration.
“What does he says about me?” I finally ask.
 
“Well, I know how important you are to him. He's even said that a life without you would be no life at all.“
 
My face turns red and despite my best efforts, I can't help but look away, embarrassment painted all over my face.
“H-Hisao really said that about m-me?”
“Yeah, he said Lilly thought the same thing, that their marriage wouldn't be the same if you weren't involved.“
 
I feel a little light headed and my heart pounds in my chest. I take a few minutes to breathe slowly, calming myself down before I get worked into a panic.
“Th-that's good. Did he s-say anything else about me?“
 
Kenji thinks for a moment and look like he's going to say something, but then clamps his mouth shut again.
 
“What is it?”
 
Kenji shakes his head. “Sorry Hanako, can't say. The law of Manly Picnic binds me with bonds of brotherhood. Trust me, though. You're really special to Lilly and Hisao. They love you more than I can say.“
 
My smile is wide enough to make my cheeks hurt.
“So,” Kenji continues on as if nothing happened, “tell me more about your trip to Okinawa. It sounds fascinating.“

Part Four
 
[Raindrops and Puddles]
I spend another hour with Kenji at the Shanghei talking. He tried to explain the connections between all of his books and their wild speculations, but I still don't understand completely.
 
"It gets a lot clearer in my next book", he said. "'The Tyranny of Goddess Worship, The Illuminati and You!!!' Great title, I know."
 
Now I know why Hisao was so concerned when he learned that I was having lunch with Kenji. He can be dangerous in large doses.
 
I head back home and kill some time reading a book, finish up a few chores that need doing and waste a couple hours with a video game, feeling pretty cozy in my big sweater. I'm not really able to focus though. I keep running through my head how I could bring up the subject of going to a doctor to Hisao and Lilly. I'm not even sure if they've talked about it between themselves yet. If they have they didn't mention it to me. The last thing I want to do is intrude in their personal business.
 
The day slowly passes on. Hisao is late by almost two hours when he pulls into the driveway. By then the nice summer day has been replaced by night and a strong downpour of rain.
Coming through the door, he looks tired and weary after the first day of school, his long jacket drenched in water.
“You look awful,” I say sympathetically.
 
Hisao gives me a tired smile and tosses his wet book bag and jacket onto the ground, throwing himself onto the sofa next to me. Legs hanging over the armrest, he rests his head on my lap and closes his eyes, sighing deeply.
I completely forgot what I was going to say next.
 
“That was not the most pleasant day,” he says, stretching his neck to find a comfortable position.
I pat him on the head and twist one of his messy cowlicks through my fingers.
“What happened?”
Hisao blows air through his lips making a rude sound.
“Shizune is what happened. She hounded me all day! I forgot to hand in my class list along with the student profiles. I sent them both in a week ago, but I didn't get the last of the profiles until after the list had been finalized! I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to send them in at separate times, but don't try to tell her that!“
He sighs, his cheek resting against my knee.
“I think it's a blessing Shizune can't talk. If I had to listen to both her and Misha go on all day, one in each ear, I don't know what I'd do! I'm a science teacher! I can make things!“
He looks up at me with mock, wild eyes.
“Things that explode!“
 
He turns away but then looks back up at me with a sidelong glance.
“Don't tell anyone I said that.”
I giggle and stroke Hisao's head.
“Of course not. So where's Lilly?”
 
“Ah, yes, Lilly. Seems she got roped into helping their Royal Majesties, The Queens of Yamaku with some left over schoolwork. Which is a real pain in the ass. If I didn't know better, I'd think that Shizune and Misha were intentionally trying to keep me and Lilly apart. We were both ready to get home, head upstairs, hop into bed and tear...“ Hisao stops, his eyes going wide.
 
He quickly sits up and coughs into his fist.
“Um, yea.”
I can't help but bite my lip to still myself, trying to keep myself from blushing.
“I see.”
Quickly recovering, Hisao changes the subject.
“Anyway, Misha and Shizune will be driving Lilly home, but not for a while now. Lilly insisted I head home and get dinner ready.“
 
“I can help with that. But do you have time for a game first?“
 
Hisao smiles back at me.
“You're on.”
 
We set up the chess board with practiced ease. A coin flip later and I'm white. I take a few minutes to consider my opening move. Hisao and I have played chess so many times, we know each others style intimately. His greatest weakness is he's too timid, he doesn't take the initiative and lets too many opportunities pass when he should capitalize on them. We both know I'm the better player, but the longer the game goes, the better chance he has to win. I usually try capture as many high ranking pieces as possible with little concern to the loss of my own. I know he won't be able to react fast enough to make up for the initial loss. This time though I take my time, preferring a more conservative tactic.
I'll need all the time I can get to work up the courage to say what I have to say.
 
A half hour into the game I have three of his pawns and a bishop sitting on my side of the board. Hisao has one pawn and a knight. He takes a particularly long time staring at my rook a few spaces from his queen, locking her in the corner between his own line of pawns and the edge of the board.
 
“So Hisao...?”
“Hm?” he mumbles, chin in his hands and his eyes whittled down to tiny dots.
“I talked to Kenji today at the Shanghai.”
“That's good,” he says distractedly, “how is he doing?”
“Good. His book is coming along. He seemed a little concerned about you, though.“
Hisao looks up from the board.
“Really? About what?”
I match Hisao's eyes and take a moment to clear my head.
“He made it sound like you were upset the last time you two saw each other. He asked me if there was anything going on at home.“
 
[Breathlessly]
Hisao's eyes narrow suspiciously.
“What exactly did he say?”
“Only that you were upset about the trouble you and Lilly have been having with trying to have a baby.“
For a moment Hisao has a little bit of a blank look on his face, almost a relieved expression.
I think back to what Kenji said and what he wouldn't say.
Is something else going on between Lilly and Hisao I'm not aware of?
 
Hisao's eyes go back to that defensive glare, studying the pieces on the board.
“Kenji talks too much and says barely anything. It's none of his business what goes on between me and Lilly.“
 
Hisao moves his queen fast and sets her on the board, making the pieces shudder as he does.
Hasty move, Hisao, I think as I take his queen.
 
He seems less upset about the loss than the topic at hand.
“He's only concerned, just like me. You're the one who told me you're worried it might be because of something wrong with you.“
Hisao's lips tighten into a grim line, but he doesn't look up from the board.
“Well, there's not much I can do about that, is there? Can't really stop taking my medication, right?“
 
I give him a few seconds before I speak again in a calm and level voice.
“Perhaps if you're so concerned you should consider talking to Lilly about going to a doctor.“
Hisao looks up at me with a decidedly unfriendly gleam in his eyes.
“I hate doctors.”
“I know you do, but if there is something wrong, maybe it can be fixed. It would probably be the best thing for the two of you. We're only concerned for you.”
 
My tone and words only make him angrier. With a violent start he pushes away from the table, toppling his queen on my side of the board.
“Don't treat me like that, Hanako! I am not one of your students for you to coddle!”
 
The words and tone are a slap in the face, but I don't let him see me flinch. I only meet his eyes and force his full attention on me.
“If you're going to be angry, you should at least do something about it. It's been almost half a year now. With how careful you are with your health, I'm surprised you would let something like this freeze you into inaction.“
I pause and drop my eyes.
“I'm even a little disappointed in you.“
 
Hisao's eyes go wide, surprised either by my words or how much they affect him. I know it was a manipulative thing to do and I regret saying it.
For a moment it looks like he has something sharp to say back to me, but he bites his tongue.
We stare at each other, locking eyes for a few tense moments.
He's the one who breaks off first, looking away to avoid my disapproving gaze. He doesn't like losing and he steps away from the table and stalks towards the window, looking outside at the falling rain so he doesn't have to look at me.
 
Angry, he stands perfectly still, just breathing, his hand clenched into a fist. I calmly wait for him to come back to the chess board or be the first one to talk.
 
A few minutes pass in tense silence. With a sigh, he drops his shoulders and shakes his arm, the muscles clenched tightly.
“You're right, Hanako,” he says.
 
I sigh in relief, steadying my own shaking hands.
 
“You're right,” he says, resting his forehead against the glass, the cold, wet night outside.
“Lilly said the same thing, but I've fought it every time she brought the issue up. I just don't...want to know what's wrong. If I can't name it, then it's somehow still not my fault. If I had known I would have had that first heart attack, I probably still wouldn't have gone to the doctors.“
He looks more tired and miserable than before it that's even possible.
“I've fought my own body for so long. I'm just tired. I hate my own weakness.“
 
I stand up and walk over to Hisao, putting my arms around his chest and resting my head against his back. I can hear his heartbeat, loud and deafening, thumping out of his shoulder blades like a drum beat.
“You are not weak, Hisao. You overcame your heart and you'll do the same here.“
 
Hisao chuckles bitterly, the movement passing into me as he does, his tired face reflected in the raindrop spattered window.
“Problems in the chest and problems in the pants. I better call Rin and tell her to add me to her collection.“
“Hisao it doesn't make you any less of a man. You're the strongest person I know.“
He stares out the window.
“Only because I have Lilly.”
He turns around and faces me with a sad smile.
“And you.”
I'm taken aback by his sincerity.
“I-I'm not as strong as you are,” I say, looking away.
Hisao puts his hands on my shoulders.
Gosh, he's tall.
“Yes, you are, Hanako. I wish I was as strong as you are. Everything you've gone through and accomplished on your own; I wish I had half your drive and determination.“
His hands move off my shoulder and cups my face, his rough palms warm against my cheeks.
“It took guts to talk to me like you did back there, to give me a slap in the face when I needed it. You've grown into a very strong and beautiful woman, Hanako.“
 
[Moment of Decision]
I don't even notice how hot I feel. All I can see are his kind eyes filled with admiration and feel my arms around him.
 
“Do you ever think about the past, Hanako?”
“Wh-what do you m-mean?” I stammer.
“I mean, have you ever thought how easily things could have been different? What if I had never gone running after Lilly at the airport? What if I didn't have that heart attack and stopped her from getting on that plane? What if it had just been me and you after that?“
 
“N-n-no.”
I'm lying.
I think about it a lot.
 
“I do sometimes,” Hisao says.
"I think if things had ended up differently, I would have been very happy being with you.“
 
My heart explodes like a bomb in my chest!
My mind goes blank and white!
Before I even realize what I'm doing, I've pushed Hisao back against the window, wrapped my arms around his neck and I'm kissing him.
Not on the cheek, not on the head, not just off to the side of the lips.
I'm kissing Hisao!
 
It's the most wonderful thing I've ever done!
He tastes like expensive Scotch and smells like leather and chalk dust. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end when I touch our tongues together, the warmth pouring out of him and into me, filling me up till I'm overflowing and I feel like I'm going to burst. I steal his breath and hoard it for myself, savoring every sensation running through my body.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize that this is my first kiss.
 
I hold him for as long as I can, my hands twisted into his shirt, his hands wrapping around me and circling me before he kisses me back. I can feel the heat rising up in my body and I'm afraid I'll burst into flames in his arms!
My lungs scream for air but I ignore them.
I run my fingers through his hair and tightly grab hold.
I've wanted to do that for so long!
I don't want this to end!
I never want this to end!
 
By the time I'm floating back down from my tip toes, Hisao's hands are on either side of my hips, holding me steady as I settle back on my feet.
We're both gasping for air and a line of saliva is still connecting our lips together.
I look up into his eyes. He has a wide and surprised look on his face like it was the first time he had ever seen me.
I've never felt this happy before.
He whispers my name and the sound of it on his lips is more than I can describe.
 
I am Hanako.
[Caged Heart]
I am not Lilly.
 
A chill runs up my back and a feeling of revulsion sets into my stomach, twisting it into knots and making my blood run cold. I want to throw up. My lips itch and I want to tear them off! I rub at them furiously to make the filth in my mouth go away!
 
I am not Lilly!
 
“You need to pick her up,” I whisper, my hands covering my suddenly horrified expression.
Hisao looks even more confused than before, if that's possible.
“What?”
“You need to pick Lilly up! You need to bring her home right now!“
 
I wrench myself away from Hisao and run towards the stairs.
“Hanako! Wait!” he shouts after me, trying to follow.
“Stay away from me!” I scream, tripping and running up the stairs.
I can feel the tears in my eyes and they blind me like molten lead poured into my pounding skull. I tumble down the dark hall, bruising my arms and shoulders as I hurtle past doors and a side table. It trips me and I fall down on my face. I scramble back onto my feet, already propelling myself onwards, using my hands to crawl. I slam into my door and shut it behind me, hard enough to shake the house.
I lock it and frantically shove a dresser in front of the door as I barricade myself in the room before I slide under my bed to hide.
Not to keep Hisao out, but to keep me in.
 
I curl up around myself, arms wrapped tightly around my shivering body. I haven't even started crying yet, only managing to make shocked, gasping sounds as I try to breathe. My throat howls and burns, but I can barely make a sound.
I pull a pillow close and bury my face in it as I scream and scream and scream.
 
What have I done!?
 
----------------------------------------

Part Five
 
[Painful History]
I dimly remember hearing the car drive away soon after I fled to my room. I spend the next several hours in the midst of the worse panic attack I've had in years, shivering and paralyzed under my bed, insensate to the world around.
 
When I finally come back to myself, it's early morning and the house is very still and silent. I'm torn on what to do. I want to get out as fast as possible, but I can't risk running into Hisao.
Or Lilly.
Oh, God, I've destroyed my family!
I sneak out of the house and head to Yamaku. I still have to go to school. I'm only glad the work load is light. It's rare to have more than a few kids who need my help at the beginning of the year. I go through the motions, listening and counseling, getting their background and filing it away for later.
Inside though, I'm screaming.
I avoid the areas of Yamaku that Hisao and Lilly work and frequent in.
I take my lunch in my office.
I don't go to the Tea Room, that would be suicide.
The next few days are a blur to me. Go to work early and stay late enough and you can spend the whole day avoiding someone. I only head home when I know Hisao and Lilly will already be in bed. The third night they stay up late, a light on in the kitchen, so I drive back to Yamaku and sleep in my car in the parking lot.
 
Eventually though I run into Lilly.
 
I'm leaving Shizune's office four days later after telling her about a student I'm concerned may bring some harm to herself when I nearly bump into Lilly in the hall.
I try not to hold it in, but I gasp and she hears me.
“Hanako? Goodness, where have you been? We've been so worried about you! We stayed up late last night, but you never showed.“
 
I clamp my mouth shut and for a minute entertain the idea that, if I stay perfectly still and don't talk, Lilly will eventually forget I'm standing right in front of her.
 
My plan fails and I'm forced to talk to her.
“J-j-just busy with w-w-wor-work,” I stammer.
 
Lilly's face drops into an alarmed and sad expression.
Please don't look at me like that, I think, unable to meet her eyes. I don't deserve your sympathy.
“Hanako, what's wrong? Is something the matter? Hisao and I haven't seen you in days!“
 
My teeth grind in my skull and I want to bolt and run down the halls, screaming at the top of my lungs.
Hisao didn't say what happened? Why didn't he tell Lilly?
Is he as upset as I am over what I did?
No, that can't be. If he were upset about it, Lilly would have noticed by now.
Maybe he wants to keep it a secret from Lilly as much as I do?
 
Oh God, he hates me now!
 
Without me replying, Lilly continues to talk.
“Are you upset over what happened a few days ago?”
My knees shake and I feel myself losing control, my heart racing.
 
“Hisao says he's sorry that he talked to you that way. We both think your right, though. We've set up an appointment with a friend of the Nurse who works at the hospital's fertility clinic. We...we're going in to see if something is wrong.“
 
I calm down a little, but just barely.
“I'm n-n-not upset about th-that. I've just b-been tired. T-trip and w-work and everything. Sorry I haven't been h-h-home lately.“
 
Lilly looks sad and worried as she begins to nervously play with her sweater between her long fingers.
“If you're not too busy though, I was wondering...I was hoping you would...go with us?“
She sighs and steels herself, speaking in a low whisper.
“I could really use your support.”
 
I want to cry and throw myself in Lilly's arms and confess everything.
I'm not your friend, I want to scream! I'm a terrible person! I love you and I love Hisao and I kissed him and I've ruined everything!
 
“I'll be th-there if you r-really want me too.”
 
Lilly smiles at me and she breaks my heart all over again.
“Thank you, Hanako. I knew I could count on you.”
She opens her arms towards me but I can't bring myself to embrace her, no matter how much I really want to.
“I-I have to get going.”
 
I turn around and walk away, the image of Lilly hurt and waiting for me still in my mind.
 
----------------------------------------
 
[Damage]
The tiny office is too cramped between all the equipment, the examination table, Hisao and myself. We sit in cheap plastic chairs across from each other. My face is buried in a book, but every so often I look up across at him for some sign of emotion.
Hisao looks blank. He looks almost dead.
I'm not sure if it's because of me or because Lilly is taking so long.
Hisao was in and out of his tests in less than an hour. Lilly is going on three now.
Nearby, the sounds of the hospital buzz and beep, the intercom crackling nonsensically and everything else that goes along with the sterile walls of the building.
 
I'm not sure who's more uncomfortable, Hisao or myself. Almost everything he sees and hears makes him blanch and go white. While we were walking down one of the blank, green halls, the voice over the loudspeaker called a blue alert and I thought Hisao was going to have his own heart attack in the hall.
 
I look back up at him, careful to avoid his eyes.
Why doesn't he say something? Is he so concerned over the tests that he's completely forgotten about what happened?
I hope so.
I wish I could.
 
[Ah Eh I Oh Yu]
The door opens and the Nurse steps in, though he hasn't been just a nurse for a few years. He's older now, but other than a few grays on the side, he still has that youthfully rough exterior and that winning smile of his.
“Heart Attack! Good to see you, my man! How's the ticker doing?”
 
Hisao looks grateful for the distraction. He stands and gives Nurse a strong handshake which changes into a brotherly hug between the two.
“Still alive, aren't I? Doctor, thank you for doing this for me and Lilly.”
“Hisao,” Nurse says with a reproachful tone, “we've known each other for too long for titles.”
Hisao smiles and nods sheepishly.
“Yea, okay, Nurse.”
Nurse turns towards me and turns that bright smile on.
“Hanako, you're looking great! How have you been?”
I nod meekly.
“I've been all right,“ I lie.
“Good to hear, good to hear,” Nurse says, filling space with words, his smile faltering for only a second.
 
He turns back to Hisao. “You heard from Mutou?”
Hisao shakes his head. “Other than a few letters, he's still up north at university. From the sound of it though he's gotten really into the work up there.“
“Glad to hear. Next time he comes down we should get together, invite Kenji and have a card game like old times.“
Hisao smiles and it's the first time he looks as if he's not being eaten up from the inside with worry. “I will. How have you and Meiko been?”
Nurse smiles broadly and rubs the back of his neck. “Just had our five year anniversary.”
“Still not married though?”
Nurse laughs and there's a glint in his eyes. “Talk to Emi about that.”
 
Hisao nods. “Well, that's interesting. So how come you're trying to distract me with small talk?“
 
Nurse's smile goes flat. I can't help but sink into my chair a little and hide behind my book.
Hisao gives him a less than good nature poke in the chest.
“I've spent years in hospitals, Nurse, and I've hated every minute of it. I know all the code words you medical professionals use and exactly how you distract someone from asking the wrong questions.“
Hisao gets a very serious look in his eyes.
“Where's my wife, Nurse?”
 
[Shadow Of The Truth]
Nurse looks like he's searching for the right words.
“We had to wait for a few additional tests on Lilly.“
“What kind of tests?”
Nurse's lips are sealed.
“Nurse, I am not above slugging you in the face. Where is my wife?“
 
Nurse look as if he's weighing the benefits of keeping quite and getting his face rearranged by Hisao.
I try to speak up and it takes a while for the words to come out properly.
“H-Hisao, he's just trying to d-do his job.”
 
Hisao glances at me and I shrink back from his eyes.
“Nurse, where is my wife?” Hisao demands again.
 
It looks like Nurse has finally come to a decision because he gives a long sigh before he begins talking.
“They were doing a pelvic exam and they noticed something wrong. After an ultrasound the doctors found...several dark spots. They're doing more tests to find out what they are.“
 
Hisao turns pale when Nurse starts talking and I can feel the color drain out of my own face as well.
Hisao collects himself after a moment. “What...what could it be?”
 
Nurse weighs his options. “Well it could be anything. Maybe just a mistake on the ultrasound.“
“Or?” Hisao prompts.
Nurse hesitates and he puts a hand on Hisao's shoulder. “You're my friend Hisao, so I won't lie to you or use doctor speak. Even if I did you wouldn't appreciate it. Some of the tests are back in already. It could be anything from nothing to just a few fibrous tumors. The doctor's are concerned though. It could be...cancer, as well.“
 
Cancer.
An ugly word. A word you don't want to be in the same room with.
I cover my face with my hands to stifle my gasp. Hisao has a shattered, broken look in his eyes.
“Where is Lilly?”
“She's in the middle of some tests, Hisao, I can't allow you to see her right now.“
Hisao grabs Nurse by both coat lapels and pulls him close.
“Take me to her right now!”
 
----------------------------------------

Part Six
 
[Breathlessly]
An hour later we're all sitting back in the office, Hisao, Lilly and myself. Lilly hasn't said anything since she got back. She just sits next to Hisao and holds his hands in her own, gently trailing her fingers across his palms soothingly.
 
“Hisao, you need to calm down. Think of your heart...”
 
Lilly doesn't seem troubled in the least by all that's happened. She sits quietly next to Hisao, a light smile on her face, comforting him rather than the other way around. After thinking the problem was with himself for so long, the news must have been doubly hard for Hisao to take. I can see in his eyes he would have wanted any other possibility than this one to take place. He wishes he had an easy way out of the impossible situation he finds himself in.
 
I can sympathize.
 
I sit across the room from the two of them, awkward and feeling like a third wheel. There's nothing more I want to do than run across to the two of them and hold onto them as tight as I can.
But I don't.
I stop myself and bury my face in a book.
I don't want to be here. I don't want this to be happening.
I want to go find the library and hide in a corner.
 
Hisao was wrong. Even after all these years, I'm still weak.
And now I've come between the two of them.
Everything in my life is coming crashing down and I'm quietly reading a book while it all falls apart.
 
The door clicks open and Nurse walks in, shutting the door behind him as silently as possible.
“Hello, everyone. I'm sorry for the wait.” He gestures with the folder in his hands. “Test results are back.”
 
We're surprised to see Nurse here.
“What about your friend? Shouldn't she be here?” Lilly asks.
“She...thought it would be best if I delivered the news to you personally.“
 
Hisao holds tightly to Lilly's hand, like he's going to fall off a cliff.
”What does it say, Nurse?” she asks, her tone level.
 
Nurse pulls up a chair and sits against the far wall, facing all three of us.
“While I do have some bad news, I also have some good news to go along with it.“
 
Hisao takes a deep breath. Lilly runs her fingers through his hair and I look up from my book.
 
“First of all, it's not cancer. The dark spots are clusters of fibroid tumors and they're benign.“
I breathe a sigh of relief along with Hisao. Lilly takes it in stride as if she knew the entire time, wrapping an arm around Hisao to support him.
“And the bad news, Nurse?” she asks.
 
How can she be so calm? I wonder. Even in the middle of this nightmare, Lilly still retains that majestic aura about her. If she knew the half of it, would she still be so serene?
I'm reminded about how much I used to idolize Lilly. In some ways I still do.
And now I've broken her heart and she doesn't know it yet.
 
Nurse takes a moment for his news to sink in before he begins talking.
“The bad news is they are extensive. They've caused a lot of scarring, which is why the two of you have been having so much trouble conceiving. The tumors could be removed during operation, but I'm afraid that the damage is already done.“
 
“How bad is it?” Hisao asks reluctantly.
 
Nurse massages the bridge of his nose. “Very bad. Permanent. I'm sorry. Even if Lilly does become pregnant, with the amount of scarring we're talking about here, there would be almost no chance of safely keeping the fetus for the full pregnancy. The likelihood of a miscarriage would be very great. Great enough that...it would probably be best for you if you didn't try to have a child anymore. The complications could become dangerous."
 
Lilly puts a hand over her mouth in shock, the only sign she gives that Nurse's words trouble her.
 
I listen to the conversation on my side of the room silently, my hands shaking. I already broke the cover of my hardback and the book lies limply in my fingers.
 
This isn't fair.
None of this is fair!
 
Nurse keeps talking and Hisao and Lilly ask questions, but I don't catch or understand half of what they're saying. Even if I did, what would be the point? There isn't a thing I can do to help.
 
The questions stop and no one says anything for the longest time. Eventually, Lilly speaks up.
“Thank you, Nurse for helping us through this. We greatly appreciate it.“
Lilly turns to Hisao and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“Hisao, I would like to go home now.”
 
Hisao thanks Nurse hastily and takes Lilly's arm, the two of them leaving. I'm left in the office with Nurse, awkward silence left behind as well.
 
Nurse turns to me with a hopeless expression. “Will they be all right?”
 
I don't know how to answer that.
 
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The car ride home is totally silent except for the humming of the wheels.
Hisao drives, Lilly sits next to him and I'm in the back seat, although I might as well be a hundred miles from the two of them. No one says a word about what just happened. With everything that has been going on, it's as if the last week hasn't even been real to me.
 
I look down at the book clutched in my hands. I'm reading 'Alice in Wonderland' again and I can relate to poor Alice as she stumbles through a world of bright and happy colors with a dark and twisted core. I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole myself and everything around me is paper thin, as if I could poke and tear through the false scenery around me, slip into the background and never find my way out again.
 
The house waits silently for us when we arrive. It's seen a lot these past few weeks and joins us in our misery.
 
We enter and sit down in the living room, nothing moving except the dust lazily circling the disturbed air.
Lilly looks up and with a measured tone speaks to me.
“Hanako, I could use a cup of tea. Would you be a dear and get it ready?“
“Of course, Lilly.”
 
I head into the kitchen and busy myself with the boiling water and tea bags as fast as I can. I come back out with the tray and set it on the table. I begin pouring the tea, but Lilly stops me.
“That's all right, Hanako, I can pour. Thank you very much.“
 
I nod and step back, sitting in my chair again.
Hisao is leaning back in the sofa, his eyes closed, fingers rubbing at his forehead in distress.
Lilly goes about the practiced movements, pouring tea, checking the levels with her fingertips, gently measuring how much to put in each cup, face serene in the normalcy and the familiar movements.
 
She moves the tea pot over Hisao's cup, the tiny spout catching the handle and knocking it over with a tiny clatter of porcelain. A bit of tea spills out onto the table.
I'm about to use a towel to clean the small spill when I see Lilly's hands begin to shake.
 
[Cold Iron]
I look up and see Lilly's faded, blue eyes staring sightlessly ahead, tears welling up and over. Her mouth quivers uncontrollably and before Hisao or I can react, Lilly smashes the tea pot into the table, shattering the set and sending bits of porcelain flying everywhere, tea spilling out over the carpet. I scream and turn away from the hot tea which splashes my arm and burns me.
 
Lilly's hands are cut and sliced from the porcelain chips, blood and tea mixing freely, livid red marks all over her fingers from where the scalding hot liquid already begins to blister and burn. Hisao and I are frozen in inaction as she pulls her hands away from the mess and grips the sides of her head, fingers coiled in her golden hair, her face contorted. Her shoulders shake and her breathing is ragged.
I hear a sound coming from her which at first I don't recognize.
Lilly begins keening which quickly turns into a scream of frustration.
No, not a scream.
A shriek, a wail, a howl out of a black pit of anguish and loneliness, a place I know and recognize.
Every nerve in my body rebels against the sound coming from out of Lilly and it paralyzes me.
 
Hisao reacts first, nearly throwing himself onto her, pinning her to the couch. She kicks, cries and screams at him, pushing and clawing with her bleeding fingers, scratching him wildly with her long, carefully painted nails.
 
“No! It's not fair! It isn't fair!”
"Lilly! Lilly, stop!" Hisao shouts.
 
Lilly wildly fights against Hisao who wraps his arms as tightly and as lovingly as he can manage around her, pleading for her to stop. Lilly pounds weakly at his chest with her balled fists, her eyes staring blankly, tears running down her face freely.
 
My knees quake in terror and I can't stop shaking as I watch the two of them wrestle, Hisao trying to calm Lilly down, trying to speak to her, while she keeps crying and sobbing inconsolably, Hisao holding her wrists tightly to keep her from hurting herself. I'm rooted to the chair, unable to react or move in any helpful way.
 
I never thought I would ever see Lilly like this! Her calm exterior has been shattered and replaced with a wild misery I never knew possible.
 
I've helped students deal with this kind of pain before, when their own bodies rebel against them. But never with someone so close to me, who I once relied on for the very same reasons.
I want to run, screaming from the room, plug my ears and try to ignore Lilly's crying, but I know I can't.
 
I tear myself from the chair and step around the small table, approaching Lilly and Hisao, joining Hisao's struggle against his wife. I wrap Lilly in a hug, her height and frantic state giving her a steely strength I have to fight against. Hisao and I hold Lilly as she cries and screams in heartbreaking frustration, holding her still with our own bodies, waiting for her to calm down and tire herself out.
 
I catch Hisao's eyes as we both hug Lilly, she falling limply against Hisao's chest and weeping into his shirt.
The look in his eyes is the same look he had that night Lilly left for Scotland.
Hopeless, broken, inconsolable.
Then, like now, there's nothing I can do to change that.
 
----------------------------------------
 
It takes Hisao and me a half hour of holding Lilly before she goes slack against us. Breathing steadily, she falls asleep out of pure exhaustion.
I fetch the first aid kit from the kitchen and Hisao uses it to clean Lilly's hands, using a pair of tweezers to remove the slivers of porcelain from her cuts and treating the tips of her burned fingers. He does everything very slowly so as not to hurt her, each movement slow and methodical, driven by care and concern. Still, his face has that pained, agonized expression and his eyes have a glossed over look to them as he works.
 
I clean the table and the carpet and we work in total silence. We don't say a word to each other, our work gratefully taking all of our attention. When we do help each other, it's silently and with as little interaction as possible. Even as he helps me wrap the burns on my arm we don't talk.
 
With the mess cleaned and Lilly taken care of, Hisao picks her up his his arms. She clings weakly to his chest as he carries his burden, his broken heart adding to the weight he has to carry.
 
I open the door to their bedroom and Hisao enters to put Lilly in bed.
I don't dare enter myself.
There's something about their bedroom I try to avoid. Like it's sacred or forbidden for me to even step through the door frame. We've lived together for years and I've only been in their room a few times and always invited for a specific reason, to help Lilly in the morning or for cleaning.
With everything that's happened recently, the oppressive atmosphere keeping me out is redoubled. I hesitate at the threshold, watching Hisao tucks Lilly into their bed, troubled concern in every measured move he makes. She still shakes and her cheeks are stained with tears.
 
Hisao walks back to the door and stands on the other side from me.
“H-Hisao, c-can we talk...?”
Hisao looks at me miserably. Not blaming me or judging me, just consumed by sadness.
“No, Hanako. We can't talk.”
 
He slowly shuts the door and I'm left staring at another new barrier between me and them.
I go downstairs, switch on the television, turn the volume up a little high and I cry into a pillow.
 
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