Shiina 2
Posted: Sun Jun 02, 2019 6:33 pm
I slowly walk down the hallway; sorrow echoing with every step I take.
It's late... the girls' dorm is quiet... so, I gently knock on Lilly's door.
"Yes? Who is it?" Lilly asks from inside.
I imagine telling her, but I don't hear myself say my name. I can't find my voice.
After a moment or so, Lilly comes and opens her door.
I look up at her, and though she can't see me, she starts to frown sadly, but she gently asks:
"Shiina? Is that you?"
I nod. And I realise that she can't see me nod. I force myself to say yes... but I can only mumble, and almost cry...
Warm blobs of tears rise up with the cold sadness inside me. I whimper, as I tell Lilly...
"Shicchan... hates me..."
Lilly looks surprised, and then... she looks sad and tired. She raises her hand, and gently pulls me into her room.
"Come in, Shiina. Tell me everything."
* * *
I tell Lilly what happened, I tell her how I confessed to Shicchan, and how Shicchan rejected me. I cry when I say that Shicchan didn't love me.
Lilly comes beside me, and holds me in her arms, and I press my face into her shoulder, and let all of my bright memories escape as tears and sobs.
I cry in Lilly's embrace, feeling her hold me steady, or I might crack and break from the pain in my heart.
Suddenly, Lilly hears a very soft knock on the door. She asks, "Who is it?"
No one answers from the other side.
Lilly kindly pats me, and I slowly let go of her.
I wipe away the tears on my cheeks as she gets up, and goes to the door.
I turn to look, and to my surprise, it's Hanako... standing there, looking very worried about me.
"Hello... Sorry, did I disturb you?" I ask with a smile.
Hanako quickly shakes her head.
"Oh... did you want to talk to Lilly, then?"
Hanako shakes her head again, and slowly starts to leave.
"Would you like to come in?" Lilly asks her kindly. "I have some tea we could share."
Hanako stops, wondering what to say. She looks terrified, but she also seems very afraid to just run away.
"It's still warm," Lilly says kindly. "And I'm sure Shiina would feel much better if you would stay for a little while."
I meet Hanako's gaze, and smile as I nod. "Lilly boils too much sometimes, and when we can't finish all of it, she keeps the rest in a thermos."
Hanako nods very slowly, and she seems to force herself to take a step forwards... and carefully come inside Lilly's room.
Lilly closes the door, and goes to fetch a cup for Hanako.
Hanako simply stares, watching how Lilly easily pours the tea without spilling a drop.
Then, Lilly comes to Hanako, tapping her cane much more gently than usual, and offers her the warm, fragrant cup.
Hanako carefully takes her cup of tea from Lilly's hands. She almost says "Thank you", but she doesn't... she just nods, very timidly.
Lilly sits down beside us, a little closer to me than Hanako, and she starts talking. At first about Shicchan. Then... about me. And then... about herself.
Lilly keeps talking, speaking so softly in her kind and beautiful voice, and throughout the night, Hanako listens quietly, never saying a single word...
* * *
I've stopped going to the Student Council room for a while now. Instead, I meet with Lilly in a spare classroom after school.
Sometimes she isn't there... and I just hide in the room and do my homework. No one comes to bother me.
When Lilly is there, I spend time talking to her, and drinking tea, too.
Sometimes, Hanako comes by... and she even joins us for lunch once in a while, but she is always quiet, and never interrupts me and Lilly when we talk.
It's always nice when it's just the three of us... just talking... just being friends...
The world outside seems so far away from us...
* * *
Shicchan keeps going out of her way to talk to me. She keeps finding ways to stop me and make me sign something to her.
But I don't want to. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know why she keeps trying.
[What do you want from me?] I sign to her, angrily.
She would often just look surprised... taken aback, whenever I got angry, and just leave me alone.
But... more and more, she would instead sign back to me:
[Can we just talk?]
[No! Go away!] I could tell her, but she wouldn't stop trying.
[Why are you so angry with me?]
[Because I hate you! I hate you! And I never want to talk to you again!]
I cry whenever I sign things like that to Shicchan. I would just run away before I could see her reply.
I would run, before all the other students could see my tears.
I don't want them to know Shicchan hurt me.
I don't want to feel hurt anymore.
* * *
Lilly says that I should tell Shicchan how I feel, that I should let her know just how much pain her rejection has caused me.
"If you can't say it to her directly, you could try putting it all down in a letter?"
I don't want to do that either. I just want to forget everything. Shicchan doesn't love me back, and I can never stop loving her.
It hurts whenever I remember how I feel deep inside.
Lilly says that it's best to express all of my feelings, rather than run away from the problem. It would be better if I could help Shicchan understand why I can't talk to her without feeling hurt.
I only want to hide and forget. To never think about any of it again.
But Shicchan won't stop bothering me.
So... I do what Lilly says, and angrily start to write down... everything.
Slowly at first...
Then, quickly...
Then... all of it.
All the pain, all the sorrow... the unbearable loneliness Shicchan has condemned me to.
I write page after page, pouring out my feelings into loud words.
I scream in my head every time I remember how happy she made me felt.
I let all of it out, wiping away the tears as I come to the end, where I wish her happiness with whomever she falls in love with, and all that I want is to be left alone.
* * *
I give Shicchan my letter. I wait for her as she intently reads every page.
When she's finished, she looks up at me... surprised... and saddened.
I sign to her, [Goodbye, Shicchan.]
She shakes her head, then as her sadness turns into frustration, she comes up to me.
With a wave, she throws up all the pages I wrote into the air, letting my words fall like rustling leaves.
[ I am your friend ] she signs to me.
[ I will always be your friend, no matter what. ]
[ Even if you hate me, I will never stop trying to cheer you up. ]
[ I will always try to make you smile again. ]
[ Because that is what best friends do. ]
She throws herself at me, and holds me tight. She refuses to let me go.
I try to push her away, starting to cry as I do.
But then, Shicchan only holds on to me tighter...
I cry, gasping as I remember how much I truly love Shicchan. I cry... with all my heart.
And then I laugh, realising how silly Shicchan is acting, and that she would never hug anyone like this.
I laugh and cry, wishing she would never, ever, let me go.
"Wa~hahaha~!"
It's late... the girls' dorm is quiet... so, I gently knock on Lilly's door.
"Yes? Who is it?" Lilly asks from inside.
I imagine telling her, but I don't hear myself say my name. I can't find my voice.
After a moment or so, Lilly comes and opens her door.
I look up at her, and though she can't see me, she starts to frown sadly, but she gently asks:
"Shiina? Is that you?"
I nod. And I realise that she can't see me nod. I force myself to say yes... but I can only mumble, and almost cry...
Warm blobs of tears rise up with the cold sadness inside me. I whimper, as I tell Lilly...
"Shicchan... hates me..."
Lilly looks surprised, and then... she looks sad and tired. She raises her hand, and gently pulls me into her room.
"Come in, Shiina. Tell me everything."
* * *
I tell Lilly what happened, I tell her how I confessed to Shicchan, and how Shicchan rejected me. I cry when I say that Shicchan didn't love me.
Lilly comes beside me, and holds me in her arms, and I press my face into her shoulder, and let all of my bright memories escape as tears and sobs.
I cry in Lilly's embrace, feeling her hold me steady, or I might crack and break from the pain in my heart.
Suddenly, Lilly hears a very soft knock on the door. She asks, "Who is it?"
No one answers from the other side.
Lilly kindly pats me, and I slowly let go of her.
I wipe away the tears on my cheeks as she gets up, and goes to the door.
I turn to look, and to my surprise, it's Hanako... standing there, looking very worried about me.
"Hello... Sorry, did I disturb you?" I ask with a smile.
Hanako quickly shakes her head.
"Oh... did you want to talk to Lilly, then?"
Hanako shakes her head again, and slowly starts to leave.
"Would you like to come in?" Lilly asks her kindly. "I have some tea we could share."
Hanako stops, wondering what to say. She looks terrified, but she also seems very afraid to just run away.
"It's still warm," Lilly says kindly. "And I'm sure Shiina would feel much better if you would stay for a little while."
I meet Hanako's gaze, and smile as I nod. "Lilly boils too much sometimes, and when we can't finish all of it, she keeps the rest in a thermos."
Hanako nods very slowly, and she seems to force herself to take a step forwards... and carefully come inside Lilly's room.
Lilly closes the door, and goes to fetch a cup for Hanako.
Hanako simply stares, watching how Lilly easily pours the tea without spilling a drop.
Then, Lilly comes to Hanako, tapping her cane much more gently than usual, and offers her the warm, fragrant cup.
Hanako carefully takes her cup of tea from Lilly's hands. She almost says "Thank you", but she doesn't... she just nods, very timidly.
Lilly sits down beside us, a little closer to me than Hanako, and she starts talking. At first about Shicchan. Then... about me. And then... about herself.
Lilly keeps talking, speaking so softly in her kind and beautiful voice, and throughout the night, Hanako listens quietly, never saying a single word...
* * *
I've stopped going to the Student Council room for a while now. Instead, I meet with Lilly in a spare classroom after school.
Sometimes she isn't there... and I just hide in the room and do my homework. No one comes to bother me.
When Lilly is there, I spend time talking to her, and drinking tea, too.
Sometimes, Hanako comes by... and she even joins us for lunch once in a while, but she is always quiet, and never interrupts me and Lilly when we talk.
It's always nice when it's just the three of us... just talking... just being friends...
The world outside seems so far away from us...
* * *
Shicchan keeps going out of her way to talk to me. She keeps finding ways to stop me and make me sign something to her.
But I don't want to. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know why she keeps trying.
[What do you want from me?] I sign to her, angrily.
She would often just look surprised... taken aback, whenever I got angry, and just leave me alone.
But... more and more, she would instead sign back to me:
[Can we just talk?]
[No! Go away!] I could tell her, but she wouldn't stop trying.
[Why are you so angry with me?]
[Because I hate you! I hate you! And I never want to talk to you again!]
I cry whenever I sign things like that to Shicchan. I would just run away before I could see her reply.
I would run, before all the other students could see my tears.
I don't want them to know Shicchan hurt me.
I don't want to feel hurt anymore.
* * *
Lilly says that I should tell Shicchan how I feel, that I should let her know just how much pain her rejection has caused me.
"If you can't say it to her directly, you could try putting it all down in a letter?"
I don't want to do that either. I just want to forget everything. Shicchan doesn't love me back, and I can never stop loving her.
It hurts whenever I remember how I feel deep inside.
Lilly says that it's best to express all of my feelings, rather than run away from the problem. It would be better if I could help Shicchan understand why I can't talk to her without feeling hurt.
I only want to hide and forget. To never think about any of it again.
But Shicchan won't stop bothering me.
So... I do what Lilly says, and angrily start to write down... everything.
Slowly at first...
Then, quickly...
Then... all of it.
All the pain, all the sorrow... the unbearable loneliness Shicchan has condemned me to.
I write page after page, pouring out my feelings into loud words.
I scream in my head every time I remember how happy she made me felt.
I let all of it out, wiping away the tears as I come to the end, where I wish her happiness with whomever she falls in love with, and all that I want is to be left alone.
* * *
I give Shicchan my letter. I wait for her as she intently reads every page.
When she's finished, she looks up at me... surprised... and saddened.
I sign to her, [Goodbye, Shicchan.]
She shakes her head, then as her sadness turns into frustration, she comes up to me.
With a wave, she throws up all the pages I wrote into the air, letting my words fall like rustling leaves.
[ I am your friend ] she signs to me.
[ I will always be your friend, no matter what. ]
[ Even if you hate me, I will never stop trying to cheer you up. ]
[ I will always try to make you smile again. ]
[ Because that is what best friends do. ]
She throws herself at me, and holds me tight. She refuses to let me go.
I try to push her away, starting to cry as I do.
But then, Shicchan only holds on to me tighter...
I cry, gasping as I remember how much I truly love Shicchan. I cry... with all my heart.
And then I laugh, realising how silly Shicchan is acting, and that she would never hug anyone like this.
I laugh and cry, wishing she would never, ever, let me go.
"Wa~hahaha~!"
