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I've decided that I'm going to scrap most of the idea for In favor of total rewrite after re-reading this a couple times and my and there's just stuff in here that makes no sense in and other things like pacing seems off.

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This story going to start off after the Emi Bad ending at the end the day before the summer break start. At this point in time Hisao has befriended Shuzune and Misha but isn't dating as he is still getting over Emi. However the Fact Misha confessed to Shuzune has been mostly resolved at this point (as I side note I believe the Misha is Bisexual since its never expressly In the VN what her sexual orientation.) and Yamaku Academy Has a 4 year program now with a Yamaku University opening as the 4th year students graduate. the first chapter is told from 3 POV’s of other Characters this wont be done as much beyond C1. The reasson for this is im still a new writer as im starting this only been doing it a few days so im still trying to find my style

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Chapter 1

Emi POV

As I run around the last bend of the track I see a familer face comeing down the hill I decide to skip my cools down to greet her “Hey Miki whats up”

“Well for starters your form sucks it has all week still hung up over whats his name?” she says in a way that tells me she doesn't care that still hurts

“I’M FINE” I growl at her “and his name is Hisao”

“WHOA WHOA calm down whatever ill drop it for now wanna lets get to the track” she got that look she gets when she wants to say more I’m just going to ignore it.

When she finishes her stretches we head out to the track and start our run. Looking at her she still hasn’t said anything and that Damn look still is there I suppose I should bite the bullet and hear what ever it is

“Ok fine you win what else to you wanna say” she just looks with worry in her eye’s

“Well I apparently your Ex is in the hospital or something” she says in a way

Then I realize what she said, when Miki realizes I’ve stopped she runs back to me and I ask the one thing I can think of “Do you know what happend I know that he has been still running on his own so maybe”

She stops me from my train of thought “No he hasn’t he asked me if I could be his running partner in for his morning runs and I said why not besides he is pretty cute”

I cant believe she just said that “I… I Need to go” and I storm off

I can hear her saying something else but I don’t care what it is I’m going to my room. When I enter my room I just start to cry I. why did this all have to happen why am I not over him yet and why doesn't running clear my mind anymore but eventuality I fall asleep.

*knock knock knock* I look over at my clock its still pretty early

*knock knock knock* “Fine ill be right there” I shout as I quickly put on my walking legs

Once I unlatch the door its Shuzune looking annoyed but thats not new, but whats she doing here? Just as I think that she hands me two letters one hand writen and the other from the school I nod to her as I grab them and she walks off.

I go sit on my bed to look at them and notice the hand written one is from Hisao I carefully open it and start to read



Dear Emi.

As you may or may not know I’m currently in the hospital awaiting surgery that if successful will correct my heart issue but at the time, I arranged for you to receive this letter ill already be in surgery and in case I don’t… In case I don’t make it there are some thing I would like to say

Im sorry I was a bad boyfriend to you if I had been more patient It might have been diffrent for us and for that im sorry. Something that I was thinking about recently was that night night in your room your said “you’ll never be able to help me , your never going to be my white knight charging in” that hurt allot but also I was never trying to be I know your strong enough to do it on your own I just wanted to help you because well…

I love you

One more thing I wanna say is that if I dont… if I don’t make it I’ll look out for you and ill always be running at your side and hopfully in many years from now we can talk again

Have a long happy life Emi I love you
Hisao

After I read his letter I competely break down then I hear a voice in me room

“hey Emi you left your door open whats wrong” I cant say anything so I just hand her the letter I don’t know what I expect

It I look over at her face I can see her eyes tearing up “Wow Emi that a true man” all I can do is nod my head

Then she puts the letter down and gets up turning back to me she extends her hand towards me.

“Hey come with me” I look up at her and just shake my head

She isnt goint to take no for an answer “ I just want I have some tea that should calm your nerves. Just trust me ok?” I Not my head and take her hand

As we go to the walk we are going to towords the rear entrance of the girls dorm “I thought we were going to your room” im feeling a bit annoyed at this I cant be seen like this

She just looks at me “I never said that and you said you would trust me so do that” I sounds like theres a hint of anger in her voice but I assume she and Hisao have become friends so she’s worried about him

Once we get out side I notice all of his friends Misha gets off the phone as Miki and I sit down lilly’s the first one to speak. “How is he?” She asks with a somber tone

Misha looks really downcast “theres been a complaction they cant start his heart back up if they cant in the next 20 minutes he...” She trails off no one says anything I go to her and just hug her and we both break down

Once we both have both calmed down Misha ask’s me direct question “You love Hicchan don’t you?”

With out hesitating I answer “I love Hisao yes… why do you ask?” this is a strange question for her

She takes a deep breath “Well I’ve fallen in love with Hicchan as well, What do we do” Im taken aback by this I didn’t expect that I always thought she was in to girls only but I suppose that she likes boys too

Once I compose myself I give her another hug and answer her question in a whisper “I don’t know, but right now it doesn't matter.” with that she returns my hug after a minute I notce hanko is passing me a cup of tea witch I accept and start drinking. Miki is right its calming me down

Just as im about to ask hanako something Misha’s phone goes off which she quickly answer’s and a pit growing in me.

“Hichhans mom how is he?” this is not a pleasant feeling it feels like the aniversery

“So when can I come see him?” That's a relief he must be fine now looking at everyone else they all look relived as well but still nothing

“Can you come by the school I wanna make hicchan feel more at home so I was thinking that…” she got cut off by his mom

“Yeah exactly but they are moving the 3rd year in to new dorms and the rooms are allot larger so I thought it would be a good suprise”

I have an Uncle that owns a moving compeny in Tokyo so I could call him and find out likely tomorrow at some point…” what on earth is she planning

“Ok have him call me when he feels up to it and tell him we all look forwards to seeing him bye”

And with that she hangs up the phone looking drained from all she’s been through after a few minutes she looks at us and Smile “Hicchan is out of surgery and as far as they can tell should be back next week!!!” I breath a sigh of relief I didn’t kno I was holding in so dose every one else

“WAHAHAHA Looks like you and I have a problem Emi” I can see she’s back to her normal self and now that she mentions it theres one way to settle this

I turn to Misha with a serious look on my face “Look when he gets back im going to tell him everything that I shouldve in the first place…” I pause and hold her hands “…But if he only wants to be friends or nothing at all I’ll respect that and if he doesnt know anymore and needs time to decide then I’ll fight as hard as I want you to fight”

“hahaha Okay but no fighting dirty that's just mean” and then Miki chimes in “and no bribing him with sex” I feel my face going red “wait you and Hicchan…” and again Miki opens her mouth “yeah they did I heard them every time and im down the hall”

“HEY WOULD YOU STOP IT!” I growl but I doubt that she will even pay attention

But thankfuly se stops and I turn back to Misha “yeah I cant have sex with him either and two more rules we both explain to Hisao our game and he can add rules or remove them but the ones we make are our bond and the last rule is that if either us gives up we let all partys know”

Misha has a smile on her face I can see why he would like her “Okay Emi agreed” and then she hugs me

“Now I need to go to Hicchan’s room and move his stuff to the new one” I forgot about that I should start my own move and rin’s great I wonder where misha’s room is and mine

“know where they put rin and I?” I would assume they kept us paird the same way but in Hisao’s case I hope not that Kenji guy has more then a few screws loose

“WAHAHAHA That should be in the letter Shicchan gave you along with your key and rin is still paird with you HAHAHAHA”
Im thankful I can still see Rin easily I wonder “Where is your room?” I assume she and shuzune will be close to eachother still

“WAHAHAHA Hicchan is in 303 Im in 304 and Shicchan is 302” Great she has an advantge in our war

“Shicchan says its more efficient for the student council members to live close to each other WAHAHAHA” and suddenly im not sure Kenji was so bad

“I didn’t realize that the dorms are going to be co-ed” I ask

As Misha finish sighing what to Shuzune she doesent sign anything back she pulls a pen and paper out of her purse and starts writing then hands it to me

[ I arranged this before I knew about Misha’s feelings for Hisao, but I feel that the student council member's should remain close to each other.]

I simply nod and she and Misha head off and everyone else has left as well I call out to them

“Where you guys going anyways?” I ask tentatively

“We are going to move Hichhans things to his new room WAHAHAHAHA” and they walk off

I suppose I should get started on my moveing but need to make sure to get Rin packed too.

Misha’s POV

[ Shicchan when Hicchan gets back do you think he will go back to Emi] I ask hoping he told her something

[ I hope not, I hope not your first confession didn’t go well, but I’m hopeful that this time it goes well] I wish she didn’t bring that up

[ Shicchan I remember when you rejected me you said it was because it could never be I never asked you why.] I’m afraid of the answer to this question but I want to know if I did something wrong

[ I rejected your for two reasons one is that im not attracted to women, two I think of you as a sister and any kinda of romantic relationship could jeopardize. Im sorry] shicchan thinks of me as a sisters yay, I am happy with that

Then I notice shes still talking [ Lets get Hasio’s room packed we can move his stuff with ours tomorrow] and we hurry up to hicchans room

[He sure doesnt have a lot of stuff here dose he?] I cant help to laugh at this Shichhan looks annoyed at me [ Whats so funny we should get him something to make his new room feel less depressing] then I think about what my plan is that I need to clear with his mom

[So I kind of already have some idea about that] She rasis an eybrow I continue [ I was going to have his mom check out the room and see how much of his stuff from his home can fit in it] she smiles at me

[ Thats a good idea I assume you have already cleared this with her and also will you be calling uppon your uncle to assist?] I just smile and nod as shicchan and I get started, when I reach under his night tabel I grab a scruched up letter its from someone called Iwanako I start reading it.

I don’t get past the first line before shicchan grabs it hahaha and gives it a quick once over then looks like she is mad [ You shouldnt be reading someone elses private mail, anyways we have all his stuff packed we will take it to my room”

Shuzune’s POV

I hate hospital’s but Misha insisted we come here before we go to Tokyo to grab Hasio’s stuff apparently his mother and father already have it ready to go so I don’t know why we need to go at all I look up and Misha’s there

[ Are you ready to leave?] I ask

[No he wants to talk to you alone before we go] I get up entering the room leaving Misha in the hall behind me as I enter the room he is already writting something on the notepad I gave him

[ you read the letter didn’t you] I simplely nod

[Does misha know?] he ask looking a bit worried I shake my head and write down my what I think

[ I didn’t tell her and have you responded to this letter] he shakes his head

[ your and idiot you should respond to her its rude of you not too] I right down making sure he understands my point

[ I’ve been doing some thinking about that and I called her last night, when I go back to school in a couple days Iwanako is going to meet me their] I wonder if Misha knows, I’ll talk to her on the train

[ Misha and I are going on a trip so we can talk more when we get back] he just nods and waves goodbye to me
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First you should take care of grammar and spelling. I'm sorry to say both are pretty atrocious - edit this chapter carefully until they become decent, there's really not much point to piling up more writing otherwise.

Silentcook wrote: ↑Fri Aug 24, 2018 1:32 pm First you should take care of grammar and spelling. I'm sorry to say both are pretty atrocious - edit this chapter carefully until they become decent, there's really not much point to piling up more writing otherwise.

Thanks for the advice on the re read i agree with you fully once i finish C.2 im going todo a editing pass over C.1 its still an ongoing learning process as i haven't written anything really in 12 years and never anything creative

I can't comment on the story itself because I couldn't bring myself to read more than a few lines.

Just the lack of punctuation and capitalization turned me off it completely.

I'd also suggest ditching the author's note. You should be able to tell us in story when this is going on and what's been happening.

LOL. The grammar was so messy that i laughed out loud at some parts. I don't have anything else to say other than i hope this story gets somewhere.

Okay, where to start...
Let's start with the grammar, since others have mentioned it already. Usually I would offer my help with that, but in this case that would entail rewriting your story entirely, and that's something I don't have the time for. English is obviously not your native language (Your profile says Canada, but you're from one of the French parts then?), so my advice would be you first improve your English skills before trying to write stories yourself - or write them in your native language. I'm sure you will find an audience somewhere. AS for how to improve language skills I found that reading will do the trick nicely - LOTS of reading.

So with that out of the way some comments on the story itself:

Changing the point of view from chapter to chapter is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is actually pretty hard to do since you have to be able to "do" all the characters' internal voices and have them be believable. From what I've seen in this chapter you have problems doing the characters' spoken voices be in character, so - and I think I have never suggested this to anyone before - it might be best for you to start out doing third person narration?

Usually doing an introductory explanation is a bad thing. You could just as easily insert all that information into the story itself, e.g. by starting with the sentence: "It's been X weeks since I broke up with Hisao." and inserting something like "I remember he's been hanging out with Shizune and Misha a lot." when Shizune gives her the letter.

After Emi reads the letter "a girl" comes along inviting her for some tea. We only learn it is Misha half a page down...

So far for the technical stuff. Going on to the characters:
I've already mentioned MISHA inviting Emi for TEA. There's also Hisao, the science guy, writing sappy love letters about chatting with Emi in the afterlife - and being called a "true man" by Misha for it.
It also doesn't make sense for Hisao to even write that letter to Emi if he's been dating Misha in the meantime - except if he's only been using Misha as a rebound, which would make me very wary about this story heading for a "nice boat" ending...
Then there's the conversation between Misha and Emi where they confirm they both love Hisao - apparently while surrounded by "all his friends" which includes at least Miki, Lilly and Hanako.

Also there are a lot of things in the story the simply make no sense. The complications in Hisao's surgery are obviously only there for drama, but they wouldn't give a status report DURING the surgery to his parents waiting outside the OR let alone to a high school friend calling in by phone.
Someone who has undergone heart surgery and reanimation will not be out of hospital and back in school in a week. Reanimation is not like a headcold.
Of course the miracle cure surgery for Hisao's condition is also quite stupid.
And at the end Hisao is talking to Shizune in sign language even though he never learned it on Emi's route.

Okay, this got much longer than I expected it for such a short chapter, which is... not good?
Halfway through I was beginning to suspect you're trolling, but I decided to give you the benefit (?) of doubt...

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Sat Aug 25, 2018 5:48 am Okay, where to start...
Let's start with the grammar, since others have mentioned it already. Usually I would offer my help with that, but in this case that would entail rewriting your story entirely, and that's something I don't have the time for. English is obviously not your native language (Your profile says Canada, but you're from one of the French parts then?), so my advice would be you first improve your English skills before trying to write stories yourself - or write them in your native language. I'm sure you will find an audience somewhere. AS for how to improve language skills I found that reading will do the trick nicely - LOTS of reading.

So with that out of the way some comments on the story itself:

Changing the point of view from chapter to chapter is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is actually pretty hard to do since you have to be able to "do" all the characters' internal voices and have them be believable. From what I've seen in this chapter you have problems doing the characters' spoken voices be in character, so - and I think I have never suggested this to anyone before - it might be best for you to start out doing third person narration?

Usually doing an introductory explanation is a bad thing. You could just as easily insert all that information into the story itself, e.g. by starting with the sentence: "It's been X weeks since I broke up with Hisao." and inserting something like "I remember he's been hanging out with Shizune and Misha a lot." when Shizune gives her the letter.

After Emi reads the letter "a girl" comes along inviting her for some tea. We only learn it is Misha half a page down...

So far for the technical stuff. Going on to the characters:
I've already mentioned MISHA inviting Emi for TEA. There's also Hisao, the science guy, writing sappy love letters about chatting with Emi in the afterlife - and being called a "true man" by Misha for it.
It also doesn't make sense for Hisao to even write that letter to Emi if he's been dating Misha in the meantime - except if he's only been using Misha as a rebound, which would make me very wary about this story heading for a "nice boat" ending...
Then there's the conversation between Misha and Emi where they confirm they both love Hisao - apparently while surrounded by "all his friends" which includes at least Miki, Lilly and Hanako.

Also there are a lot of things in the story the simply make no sense. The complications in Hisao's surgery are obviously only there for drama, but they wouldn't give a status report DURING the surgery to his parents waiting outside the OR let alone to a high school friend calling in by phone.
Someone who has undergone heart surgery and reanimation will not be out of hospital and back in school in a week. Reanimation is not like a headcold.
Of course the miracle cure surgery for Hisao's condition is also quite stupid.
And at the end Hisao is talking to Shizune in sign language even though he never learned it on Emi's route.

Okay, this got much longer than I expected it for such a short chapter, which is... not good?
Halfway through I was beginning to suspect you're trolling, but I decided to give you the benefit (?) of doubt...

I'm not trolling but this was the first thing I've written creatively and I've looked at it a few times, and I've decided that I need to scrap most of it maybe find someone to help with my writing skills and help with the editing and I'll take your advice about reading I've been doing that but not really absorbing the writing styles if that makes any sense which is what i need to do

Don't worry man, it takes guts to post what you have, thank you for sharing!

My personal recommendation is to maybe write a few shorter stories to start with. This will help you get a handle on your thoughts and how you want to present them when writing.

For example; Mirage pointed out some of the different threads in your story. Maybe write a short story for each of those to develop the concepts of them further - there's some interesting concepts there but we never spend enough time on one before jumping to the next. This also helps when weaving together a larger story

Eurobeatjester wrote: ↑Sat Aug 25, 2018 11:21 pm Don't worry man, it takes guts to post what you have, thank you for sharing!

My personal recommendation is to maybe write a few shorter stories to start with. This will help you get a handle on your thoughts and how you want to present them when writing.

For example; Mirage pointed out some of the different threads in your story. Maybe write a short story for each of those to develop the concepts of them further - there's some interesting concepts there but we never spend enough time on one before jumping to the next. This also helps when weaving together a larger story

thanks, I think shorter stories might be the way to go for the moment also I've really been enjoying your Saki story and looking forward to seeing more of that