Katawa Shoujo Forums

Hello everyone! As a (sorta) rookie, I am ready to post some decent work!

Before you start, there are a few things to know about this story:
- This is a NEW story. There will be little to no characters from the original game. I write it so nobody will say "why is [character] not here?"
- I have little first person experience with the things I write. Should you find a mistake in the things I write, do not hesitate to correct me and I will be able to either retcon or acknowledge in-story my mistake. This is also the reason I use relatively "easy to use" disabilities and not complex and/or obscure diseases. My English might not be on point, so correcting me is acceptable.
- Criticism>approval. I enjoy people who say I write well, but those who provide me the reason why they liked it (or disliked it, or any mix of them) are giving me the greatest support.
- This story is made with love and more than a few pinches of artistic license. I can guarantee you that at some point I will outright defy logic (edit: "logic" means "the probable course of action that should be taken in situations in real life" and not an in-story logic).
- I tend to aim very high, which means I have plans for multiple paths. Should I not, for any reason, accomplish this ambitious, you have two choices in this matter- accept it, or write the path yourself. This forum is filled with people that say "but what if..." and I want to believe that people will take up my sword if they like the story enough. Yes, this is a bit egoistical, but what fun is a writer that can't aim for the stars?
-In the unlikely case you want to do anything further with the story than I do, please contact me. I will be elated to hear you do so and will give you the "thumb of god".

And a few things about the author (Just a small welcome because I'm new around here):
- I like to work with colors in my stories. It makes it easier to read them.
- I have a lot of free time.
- Yes, I use this nickname most of the time.
- I enjoy meeting people that enjoy the things I do, both on the Internet and in real life.

Read all of this? Alright. Let us begin!

I woke up from the coma a couple of weeks ago. I had been in it for about six weeks- At least that’s what the doctors counted.

When I woke up, it took me a few moments to even understand that I am, indeed, conscious- badly burned, but conscious. Things were a bit blurry back then, but I was shocked when I’ve seen my newest additions to my body.

My scars, spreading from my right chest in a loosely shaped sphere, from my lower cheeks to the upper belly, have even reached my hands. The hands, by the way, have suffered the worst, and a few fingernails were lost as they bravely defended my neck and heart (that’s what the doctors say). They are a grim reminder of what happened to me- A severe burn from a gas canister. Good thing all ten of them are still in place, or else I’d be shocked even what I already was.

Furthermore, I’ve inhaled quite a bit of the gas. My lungs were injured, and a shattered rib did not help them. This and the damage to the palms of my hands will make sure I can kiss baseball goodbye- unless I find a way to recover or migrate the damage. Migraines also started to appear, but they are relatively harmless- assuming I remember to take Aspirin for them when they kick in (it might not be actual migraines, but so far the doctor thinks it probably is, and I’m not going to question the man who’s responsible for keeping me functional). I also take a painkiller twice a day to reduce the pain from the burn and to reduce chances of a migraine outbreak, although it’s still present, and a careful replacement of specialized bandages made sure my recovery time would be minimal and no further damage would be done.

Still, I was very close to the canister. A police investigator has got to the conclusion that I was burned by the canister itself, which exploded into a fireball. Needless to say, I won’t be anywhere near gas canisters anytime soon if I can help it. My parents (and anyone who heard about the incident) told me I’m a very lucky person, and they prayed for my recovery- either to Jesus or to my ancestors, depends on which parent we’re talking about. As luck and faith would have it, it might’ve been what I need.

It could’ve also been all the letters I got that made me feel better- and some students came to visit their scarred fellow. It was pretty clear they were here for lack of better thing to do,though, as they didn’t come for the last two weeks, and I didn’t receive any more letters from anyone.

My parents care a lot for me- I am everything for them at times, but they work so hard I don’t get to see them often enough. They would spend a lot of money on the hospital, even sell the house if needed...

But here’s where my luck REALLY kicked in- the company who made the gas canister, fearing for a bad name, compensated my parents in return for their silence (they won’t tell me what company was it- and I understand the reason. After all, would you risk your child losing everything he received in a moment of anger?). Rather than money, my parents guilt tripped them into not only paying the expenses for the hospital, but also made the company enroll me in Yamaku High School, pay for my stay the entire time, AND pay 75% of the school related expenses. They said it would help me more than the money the company offered, and it was also worth more in monetary value. Not bad for a couple of lawyers who raises a son with newfound special needs.

I was initially mad when I discovered about the school- An entire school for Cripples. I would spend an entire year learning in a closed institution with the limbless, the sick, the wounded and the suffering; a fitting place for me, eh? My parents told me that the school is filled with smart people that were just dealt a bad hand in life, and there are many facilities that should make me feel better. While I was… much less than supportive (even yelled at my parents at one point as they tried to reassure me), the points they made were solid, and I eventually conceded defeat in this matter. After all, I can hardly open a jar without being in pain about it or wearing my special gloves. That doesn’t seem very healthy to me. Unlike many of the students in that school, however, I will live a long life, with the “years lost” due to the burn being negligible.

This is also an expensive and prestigious school (as much as a “cripple school” can be prestigious), so they told me to be the best student I can be. I would do it with ease, but there is a problem with this. Just a little one, though:

I’m not the head of the class, Despite my best of intentions. It’s not like you can base your score on English alone (Which, due to my mother being half American and spending nearly twenty years there, means English is my second native tongue) for every single grade. Don’t get me wrong, though- I rarely fail any class, but with my migraines and the gap it will not be any easier. This will be a ‘most magnificent challenge, which only the elite may pass’- and as they aren’t around, I’ll have to do it in their stead.

Oh, and the hospital? Mostly alright, I guess. Even if the people are cold and my roommate is a little eccentric with his head trauma, my (relatively big) family visits me often, and I have a laptop to pass the time. Even my American grandparents came- with a lot of western treats. They have told me about America and about how they do and how badly they miss me. They are really open, and I love it- I really appreciate the openness of the western culture towards people, even if it seems to be a little excessive (the strongest wind is left unseen, my dad always says). My “American values” are a reason why I might be at odds with some of the more conservative people, and why I know many western references while missing a few local ones.

Occasional visits aside, I was bored. I tried to read books, but they seem to be unable to draw me, like they do to others (we’re talking books over the internet, of course, as regular paper will hurt me like nobody’s business if I carry it improperly). The TV is a little stale, and eventually even the internet gets boring. Video games COULD be a good idea, but I’m used to playing the fast paced ones that make my fingers tire down quickly enough and the slower ones are not my spot of tea.

Still, I found some films, shows and animes to be a great idea. Some in English, some in Japanese, and even one in German. They take you into another reality that might get you to feel a little better about yourself. It’s a sort of a guilty pleasure at times, as it shouldn’t be alright to escape reality in order to immerse yourself in things like romance animes. I also listen to a lot of music, which requires neither a focused mind nor good fingers.

While I was monitored quite a bit in my early days here, it seems that with each day that passed I was a bit freer. Eventually, the doctor filed my tickets, and told me I can go home.


A few days, a packed suitcase and a small goodbye party later, though, I am here- at the gates of Yamaku Academy.

Apart from the beginning seeming VERY similar to the VN - especially the friends who visit for a few days and stop and the parents wiling to sell the house seem familiar - there's nothing much to complain about in this short bit.

Except for the tenses... Those need some work and more than would be practical here in the forum. If you're interested drop me a PM and we can work something out.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Apart from the beginning seeming VERY similar to the VN - especially the friends who visit for a few days and stop and the parents wiling to sell the house seem familiar - there's nothing much to complain about in this short bit.

Except for the tenses... Those need some work and more than would be practical here in the forum. If you're interested drop me a PM and we can work something out.

The beginning is meant to resemble the great point of getting ready for a new life (also good parents are a rarer thing than expected and I enjoy it when it comes to a protagonist whose parents are a world away because all the need for conflict will reside in the story). In general, some of the story and people WILL resemble the old one at times (based their personalities on a mish-mash of their IG counterparts) becasuse I enjoy this. Also, it's easier to take severe burns than to find how a person with rare and severe dieseases.

Fret not, though, as the world is barely touched in the game, and I have much to work with.

P.S: If this gets more severe, sure. How badly have I misused tenses?

I'm going to be a bit rough on you here. No offense is meant and it's nothing personal.

Before you start, there are a few things to know about this story:

No. There are NOT things I need to know before I start the story. That's the job of the story, to tell me things.

- This story is made with love and more than a few pinches of artistic license. I can guarantee you that at some point I will outright defy logic.

This is not something you should accept. The defying logic part. There's nothing wrong with artistic license, but if your story is supposed to make sense, make sure it makes sense. If you get some medical stuff wrong or some Japanese school/culture stuff wrong, very few people will hold it against you, just make sure the events and characters of the story always make sense.

- I tend to aim very high, which means I have plans for multiple paths. Should I not, for any reason, accomplish this ambitious, you have two choices in this matter- accept it, or write the path yourself. This forum is filled with people that say "but what if..." and I want to believe that people will take up my sword if they like the story enough.
-In the unlikely case you want to do anything further with the story than I do, please contact me. I will be elated to hear you do so and will give you the "thumb of god"

I think you might be aiming a bit too high to start with. Likewise, the idea that other people may want to continue your story strikes me as a bit egotistical, and trust me, I know egotistical. I'm very good at it.

The story itself appears to be a recap. Why? Think of it this way, is it more interesting to have the character tell us this in past tense, or would it be more interesting to be there when the character find out himself? Now with Hisao, we didn't see all his hospital stay, but we got two major hits in the present tense. The heart attack that brought him there, and when he found out what his condition actually was and was told he wasn't going back to his old school.

Lastly (and after this I'll stop picking on you), the half-westerner is rarely if ever done right. It's just much easier and more forgivable to make your character Japanese and just assume nobody will notice that he has a few more western traits and habits rather than drawing attention to them.

And like I said before, I don't want to shoot down your hopes or dreams or anything. I wish you all the best in your story. I just want you to be a bit cautious.

I'm going to be a bit rough on you here. No offense is meant and it's nothing personal.

Ain't taken.

No. There are NOT things I need to know before I start the story. That's the job of the story, to tell me things.

Thought a few things will allow me to make things clear. In a retrospect, it wasn't the most clever course of action. Might alter them a bit so they will look a little better, if I have already written them.

This is not something you should accept. The defying logic part. There's nothing wrong with artistic license, but if your story is supposed to make sense, make sure it makes sense. If you get some medical stuff wrong or some Japanese school/culture stuff wrong, very few people will hold it against you, just make sure the events and characters of the story always make sense.

The "defying logic" is more of a "I may have accidentally violated common sense". Still, it's more about the "medical stuff or Japanese school/culture" that will go wrong than logic 101. I actively try to avoid this, but I can only do my best as a (not that professional) writer.

I think you might be aiming a bit too high to start with. Likewise, the idea that other people may want to continue your story strikes me as a bit egotistical, and trust me, I know egotistical. I'm very good at it.

I am an ambitious person who enjoys throwing dares at people.

Lastly (and after this I'll stop picking on you), the half-westerner is rarely if ever done right. It's just much easier and more forgivable to make your character Japanese and just assume nobody will notice that he has a few more western traits and habits rather than drawing attention to them.

Let's see if I can pull this without much writer cringe, then. The culture clash will be put if needed, but should I overuse it just tell me.



Like I said, I took zero offense from you. Compared to my last story, the reviews are actually insightful. Every genuine review I get allows me to look at a person's actual opinion, and it helps me to get better.

Don~t overdo the culture clash thing.
If I read the part so far correctly your character was born and raised in Japan, so there shouldn't be any issues regarding language and writing. That's my main gripe with the usual "western exchange student" and it shouldn't be an issue here, so I didn't mention it.

So, realistically a half-foreigner could expect to meet a lot of resentment in a Japanese school, but as Yamaku is supposed to be exceptionally tolerant it should be safe to ignore that as well. It's probably not the focus of your story anyway.

As for the tenses... Well, there were quite a few times where you used present perfect where you shouldn't have and a few other things not all of which were wrong per se but rathr awkward...
And it was more than I wanted to explain here in the comments.

If you want to take me up on my offer - I've found that google drive is very practical for this kind of thing, so if you upload your story there and send me a PM I'll give you the Email you should give editing rights to and then I can get to work.

Don~t overdo the culture clash thing.
If I read the part so far correctly your character was born and raised in Japan, so there shouldn't be any issues regarding language and writing. That's my main gripe with the usual "western exchange student" and it shouldn't be an issue here, so I didn't mention it.

I will be a little more careful with it.

So, realistically a half-foreigner could expect to meet a lot of resentment in a Japanese school, but as Yamaku is supposed to be exceptionally tolerant it should be safe to ignore that as well. It's probably not the focus of your story anyway.

Noted. He is considered a "foreigner" (and he's a quarter American, FYI), but as this isn't the focus, resentment is kept at bay for the most part. That is not to say I will completely ignore it, but you can expect it to be downplayed from reality.

As for the tenses... Well, there were quite a few times where you used present perfect where you shouldn't have and a few other things not all of which were wrong per se but rathr awkward...
And it was more than I wanted to explain here in the comments.

If you want to take me up on my offer - I've found that google drive is very practical for this kind of thing, so if you upload your story there and send me a PM I'll give you the Email you should give editing rights to and then I can get to work.

Maybe if things get out of hand in this chapter I'll decide to do this. I am a proud person.
========================================
Back to story!


The Academy is in front of me- feels a little like university dorms, but impressive nevertheless. The first thing I notice is that the shirt is tighter on my neck than before. As a way of hiding my marks, I took high collar shirts for school and got a more “breathing” cloth. It made sure I wouldn’t feel choked due to the shirt. Since my shirts from home not sharing the same collar height, I think I won’t wear them for a while, especially not in the sun. The coat helps me against the breeze of early Spring, but the wind makes it harder to hold the heat inside. The skin lotion is making me a bit uncomfortable, but if I’m to live with the burns, I will survive it.

Still, I look at the map portion of the school’s app. It’s a slick app with a hell lot of compatibility modes; not surprising, considering this is a school for disabled people (and since I need to wear special gloves that pad my burned areas in the hands AND does not interfere with the touchscreen of my smartphone, I also fill the criteria). At least two guards are patrolling around the school, and several students are in the area. A boy without a leg looks at me and my burns. I do the same with his lack of leg. The two of us understand the awkwardness in the situation, and we gaze away from each other.

So if I look at the map, I need to- *BUMP!*

“I’m sorry! I didn’t look where I went to!” She bumped into me! So much for first encounter.

“Are you blind?!” A glance upwards shows me that, indeed, she’s blind. I laugh at my dark humor. The girl, short and thin, wears her black, shoulder length hair, in a ponytail.

“I am sorry, I didn’t notice you are blind. My apologies.”

“I should be sorry, too. I just bumped into you.”

“That’s okay, you’re blind. You didn’t see it coming, right?” She grins, but tries to hide it with a peeved face. It’s easy when you’re wearing sunglasses, but she somehow fails it.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?”

“I just came here. How many lines did I cross already?”

“You joked about me, assumed I am incapable of movement in space like you and tried to patronize me. Everyone around here knows you shouldn’t do this.” Am I in trouble? I mean, I could get into problems for this.

“Look, I didn’t know. I am really-” She laughs. Can’t believe I fell for this trick, it has been tried and proven to me on personal basis at least three times last year. Her smile makes her look charming. Even… Beautiful.

“Let me stop you there, okay?” She lets the laughing to stop, and her face has already almost returned to normal- save a small smile.

“While I’m not sensitive or even averse to this sort of humor, or care even a little about people who think I need help, some people around do care. They are pains, but you need to keep them in mind. Also, since you are a good boy, I’ll give you an advice- try to chill. Not so much that you casually laugh with strangers about your reason to be here, but be a little less nervous next time. Blind people can smell fear, you know.” She laughs to herself. Does she enjoy bad jokes this much?

“What’s your name, by the way? I didn’t catch it.”

“Boy, aren’t we going a little fast?”

“I didn’t know you are-” She laughs. Again. Damn. This is the FIFTH time so far.

“You are a slow learner. My name is Takara Hiroko.”

“Nice to meet you. Isumu Kichirou here.” I bow in front of her. She just… offers her hand?

“Well, I’m blind. I find it easier than bowing.” I shake her hand a bit awkwardly. I guess it’s understandable because she’s blind, but still, I can’t brush it off.

“Sounds reasonable. Say, how about we walk together?”

“Sorry to disappoint you Casanova, but I’ll have to refuse. Gestures of affection are discouraged around here, and we’ve pushed it a bit too far. There’s also the fact that you should have someone waiting for you as this is your first day. See ya, though.” She’s smiling and enjoying herself. Her behavior is not really ladylike, but times are changing, and she’s interesting like this. Never change, Takara.

“See ya.” As if I told a joke, she giggles. If laughs are good for your health, she’s practically immortal by now.

“You’ve still got hope, Isumu. We will probably meet again soon.”

*

“Are you Isumu Kichirou?”

A tall girl with brown hair looks at me. Her disability is not noticeable. I might notice it later.

“That’s me. New around here. Who are you?”

“I am Yuri Satomi. This is a pleasure to meet you. I am from the student council, and I am in charge of showing you the school, or at least the more common parts. Have you met other students on your way here?”

“I have met Takara…” I am bad with names, so...

“Takara Hiroko?”

“How did you know?”

“She tends to be late to the classes, and in general is not a good role model. We learn together in class. By the way, do you happen to use the app?”

“The school app? Yes, I am.”

“Did you read your classes?”

“I have, actually. There should be Math right now.”

“So we learn together? That is a pleasant surprise.” She’s probably just polite, but I think her smile COULD be a little more than a mere politeness.

“Thank you very much. I await to learn with you, too.” We exchange bows, and proceed to see the school complex.

As we walk together, I see that the school is just an enlarged normal school- sure, the entire school is friendly to disabled people with all the ramps and the elevators, but despite everything, I am relieved that the place is just a regular school with some superb healthcare (and other sorts of care).

In fact, this is like every other school, except the entire dorms, constant guards, no less than five Infirmaries rehabilitative center and cheap vending machines. This is a surprise, considering the school is meant for the upperclassmen.

Halfway through the tour, my lungs decided to mess with me. I can passed this off as “being out of shape” and swore I would use the pool in order to increase my stamina. Eventually, we got near the classroom, where I was nearly running out of breath.

“So this is all for this time. Have you enjoyed your tour?”

Well, you talked fast, but you were straight to the point. Also, we got just in time to see the English teacher almost beginning to teach. This surely will be a perfect idea to interrupt them.

“Sure. I enjoyed it, and also enjoyed your presence.”

“Hmm…” She seems to be thinking.

“What are you thinking about.”

“I am flattered, but are you sure you are not saying it just to flirt with me?”

“What? No, I didn’t want to date you.” But I wouldn't rule this out.

“That’s a shame. Oh well, I didn’t want to date you anyway, so this is alright.” I have my doubts about it, but I'll let it slip through. She opens the door to the classroom.

*

The class, when you look at it in first sight, is a rather normal class who just started to learn English.

After a few moments, though, you notice the disabilities- most of the people are either losing a limb or some other organ, has a crutch, an eyepatch, significant burn marks or need a translator (well, only one does, however). However, without knowing the people around here, I can assure you that of the twenty students around here, only one or two actually lack a disability- those who seem normal (and even those who don’t) suffer from organ problems, bad blood cells, things like that. Arguably, this is even worse than "merely" missing a limb.

I notice a place in the third row, just for me, waiting in the middle of the row. I almost sit there right away, but then I remember the Teacher is looking at me (just like everyone).

“Are you the new student?”

“This is English lesson, right?”

“Yes, but you didn’t answer my question.” I raise my finger in order to show her I have something to say, and I turn to the class. Hold my beer.

“My name is Kichirou Isumu. I came here today, and I want to let everyone know I await to join the class.” I say in English. The teacher approves.

“Anything else, Isumu?” A

“I have a request from the students: eat lunch with me. I am a cool person and I will tell you about myself then, if you want.” A few students look fairly interested with me, Satomi included.

“Your English is excellent, I must say. My name is Tomoko Kimura, nice to meet you.” The English teacher seems happy about me. Does everyone around here suck in this class?

“Thank you. My mom is half American, so she made me learn English a lot.” And she made sure I would be bilingual. The students begin to talk about it, but this appears to be less of a problem than in my old school.

“I am sure she taught you well. Now take your seat. I hope today’s lesson will be satisfactory to your level.”

As it seems, I made everyone in the class to be interested about me. However, I feel as if most of the class heard this conversation as if it was Latin (which my mom ALSO made me to learn for a while. Seriously, she has a language fetish), and could not understand me. It’s also not so likely this will be the reason I will eat lunch with people.

English would probably be my fertile ground for feeling superior. The lessons are far below my level (could it be because this is a new year?), with the lesson merely being there for me to freshen up my mind. By the time the lesson is done, I finish my doodle of a shrine and pack everything for Lunch.

*

Lunch time is a nice time to actually rest and charge some powers for the next lesson (biology, which is a relatively easy class for me, to be honest). Taking my tray, I look at the various meals around here. I think I’ll take the oysters and rice today. Maybe some tomatoes, too.

Let’s see where I can take my seat- taken, taken, taken, almost taken, someone waving for someone else… Wait, I know this girl! She’s from my class!

I wave back to her, just to see if she wants me to sit next to her. She smiles and tells me to come, so… I think I’ll just come.

“Don’t think I forgot you, Isumu. I’m Miyamoto Saki.” Should I try and say something nice? My mom told me to tell girls they’re pretty. Saki looks really pretty with her blonde hair, cut into a hime cut. This is not a common look for a girl, and she sounds really nice. At least in first appearance, she accomplished the look of a Japanese beauty.

“And you indeed blossom like ten cherry trees.” She blushes for a moment, then finds herself capable of regaining her composure. Maybe I took her heart?

“Charming like a fox,

He has to realize that,

He needs refinement.”

“What is this alien?” Saki raises an eyebrow, almost sneering outright at my lack of culture.

“This is a haiku. In case you forgot, we invented it. Well, the Japanese. Americans just made it popular in their coffee shops.” Ouch.

“Well, they brought the world to Japan, so I guess that makes them even.” Matthew Perry did nothing wrong.

“Fair point. So, how are you this fine noon?”

“I feel well. How about you?”

“I’m doing alright. Did you study well enough in English?”

“I need a challenge.”

“Oh, really?”

“I was given a special permit for learning English one class above me in my old school. I almost finished the finals, but then… I couldn’t finish the class, and now I’m here.”

“Impressive. You didn’t strike me as the genius.”

“My dad has connections. I’m a genius only when it comes to English.”

“Why won’t you tell that to the teacher?”

“I did not learn EVERYTHING from that class. I still need to finish things, and I don’t know what.”

“This is your last year. Should I remind you the stress?” Oh, boy… The finals’ stress. All the hospital stuff made me forget this is the last year.

“Yeah… No need.” I finish the tomato rather easily- slice the tomato and eat everything. Imported food is not a thing to be thrown.

“So I have a question for you- do you really like me, or you just say things like you said before to every girl you see.”

“I-” A small smile is painted on her face while she keeps me from talking.

“You know what? Keep it secret. I don’t want to know. Not yet, at least.”

“And you? Do you like me?”

“I’ll keep it secret. Now come, Biology is about to begin.”

Only when we head to class, I notice her need to mobilize in a wheelchair- her legs lie behind a blanket.

*

God, I’m so done with today. The teachers make so little sense that I really am afraid of failing school. Biology is easy? What was I even thinking?

Now it’s about time I get to my room, give myself a few minutes to chill, apply the salve to my hands and reapply the sun lotion before I get out. Apparently, they’ve put my suitcase in my room already, and I was given the keys already.

I’ll just get there, charge my phone, and get comfy.

*

“Halt, gaijin scum!” Hmm? Who’s that looney? This is my classmate, right?

“Are you talking to me?”

“Of course I’m talking to you! Do you see any other illegal alien around here?!” You are just a

“The only alien around here is you. What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you dare lying to me! You are a filthy American and you know it.” Meh… I will roll my eyes for him, but that’s about it.

How adorable- He tried to punch me in the shoulder!

“Stop this! You know I’m right, so you don’t even try to argue.”

“You are a Dantai.” (Author note: Uyoku Dantai are a Japanese right wing group)

“You can bet your foreign ass I am! Your kind is making us bring less children, and you ruin our society by bringing even more foreigners! Had a proper Japanese sit in the government, we would throw you to the sea right away! And don’t get me started on your robot idea!” You are making me angry.

“Stay away from me, weirdo.”

“I knew it! When you press an American, they become nervous and distant! Americans brought us nothing but pain!”

“Like baseball, hotels and video games?”

“Believe me, I would throw all of these if it meant you’d be away. We were doing just fine ourselves! We have all we need in our islands! We don’t need any of the new things!”

“You’re wearing modern clothes.”

“Because they are forced on me! Like you forced your culture on us!” How about I force a punch towards your face?

Alright Isumu, chill down. What would my friends do in this situation? Roast him, of course.

“Know what? I could beat the hell out of you, but it seems life has already done it for me.” And I’ll lock the door behind me, for a good measure.


Now that he’s just trying to yell things at me, I can get everything ready. The room looks plain enough to be anyone’s room… which is fine, because I like it this way. I’ll just sort all the clothes, padlock both an important drawer and an “important” drawer, charge up the phone, and then I’ll probably just chill around.

You know what? I need to probably try and focus on my studies for now. Mutou got his eye on me, and I think he tries to see if I need an “extra help”. Maybe I’ll get off the hook if I try to study? And I have all the homework!

Well, at least I’m not in the student council- they also have to organize the ceremony for starting the year tomorrow. You know, as a first day it felt very… Not so first day. The feeling around here lacks the great meeting I thought there would be.

Back to learning for me, then. If Biology is this hard, Math is definitely going to suck.

Hmm… Just a small checking in the app for the date.

Yeah, there will be a ceremony on Saturday.

I prepared my lucky undershirt just for that.

Tenses are a lot better than in the previous chapter - probably because this one is mostly present tense.
A few remarks (not comprehensive):

Since my shirts from home not sharing the same collar height

"since my shirts from home don't share..."

“I’m sorry! I didn’t look where I went to!” She bumped into me! So much for first encounter.

This from a blind girl?
Regarding the colours: In this case the colours really did confuse me. You had his inner monologue on the same paragraph as the girl's line, (something you also do later on and should probably have an eye on) so I assumed you were using blue for your MC. Took me four or five more lines to realize it was meant the other way around.
So if you want to use colours, you can do so, just make sure they are not necessary to follow the dialogue.

How many taboos did I cross already?”

You cross lines. Taboos are broken.

Can’t believe I fell into this trick,

"fell for this trick"

She lets the laughing to stop

"She stops laughing"

We learn together.

Usually this would mean they study together after class, but since you use the expression later on I assume you mean they are in the same class.

no less than five infirmities,

Infirmaries probably...

I passed this off as “being out of order”

"out of shape" - only machines can be out of order. This sentence is also past tense for no obvious reason.

“So this is all for this time. Have you enjoyed your tour?” Well, you talked fast, but you were straight to the point. Also, we got just in time to see the English teacher almost beginning to teach. This surely will be a perfect idea to interrupt them.

“Sure. I enjoyed it, and also enjoyed your presence.”

Another place where you have HIS interior monologue on HER paragraph.

is a rather normal class who just started to learn English.

"...whose English lesson has just started" - your way implies that they just started to learn the language.
You used two different colours for the English teacher.

As it seems, I interested about everyone by this point.

Missing one or more words.

Mutou did not leave me unnoticed

Also doesn't make any sense.

General comments:
- You decided to introduce all the females in a single chapter... Quite quick pacing...
- So far your character lacks a bit in the likeable department. He's hitting on three schoolmates in their very first meeting and complains about english lessons being not challenging enough.
- And the character in the final part is a carbon copy of Kenji ^^°

First of all- thank you for correcting me. I hope my English will be better by the time I finish the story.

Now, let's get down to business, shall we?

Regarding the colors: In this case the colors really did confuse me. You had his inner monologue on the same paragraph as the girl's line, (something you also do later on and should probably have an eye on) so I assumed you were using blue for your MC. Took me four or five more lines to realize it was meant the other way around.
So if you want to use colors, you can do so, just make sure they are not necessary to follow the dialogue.

I have to remember that if I want to use something like the original game, I will have to use less text in a line (unless I get a Rin-like wall of text). The color is something I got from AO3 and it makes my life as a writer marginally easier. It didn't help you?

P.S: It DID come from a blind girl, who enjoys joking about her lack of eyesight.

- You decided to introduce all the females in a single chapter... Quite quick pacing...
- So far your character lacks a bit in the likeable department. He's hitting on three schoolmates in their very first meeting and complains about english lessons being not challenging enough.
- And the character in the final part is a carbon copy of Kenji ^^°

-This is a sort of a "point of divergence": like I said before, my goals are to get full paths for the three girls (albeit shorter than some stories around here), and the first chapter throws them in. I won't deny I could pull this better, though.
- He's not very likeable because, like act 1 Hisao, he still has a metric ton of place to grow in. He's not chaste, and his first lesson was incrediblly underwhelming. He got a slice of humble pie later.
- "Kenji 2" is like Kenji because I enjoyed Kenji. However, his hatred is directed towards Isumu because of his foreign roots. As I said, the story is "same yet different" because I enjoy pulling this.

It didn't help you?

Help? No, why should it?

In terms of writing style using colours is just marginally better than using script format. I don't mind it as long as the writing itself makes it clear who is talking even without the colours, but as I pointed out this is where your story was confusing in a few places - when the normal conventions on how to write dialogues contradicted the colours.

Help? No, why should it?

Thought it would distinguish one from another. Oh well.

By the way, I sorta like our relationship as "a writer and his only critic". It's quite (in a platonic way) intimate and surprisingly helping. I am sure that by the end of the story, I'll make it even lovelier for you.

Another chapter for Saturday, for the few who read it on-time. No colors this time.
=====================================================================

“Isumu! Do you have spare time?” Satomi looks tired. How long did she stay awake last night?

“Sure. What do you need my help with?”

“A student has caught the flu, and now I lack a reader.”

“So… Why me?”

“You read the English texts so fluently that you might as well read the cereal ingredients and make people jealous.”

“I have no idea why you wanted me to do it, but if I am your first choice… I am honored.”

“So will you help me?”

Now, the ceremony is within two hours. This is going to be an establishing moment for me.

“Send me the text and I’ll read it. I’m eating breakfast right now.”

“I need you now.”

“There are pancakes today.” You can’t beat pancakes. They even brought cherry syrup today.

“I’ll make it up for you! We are going to the Shanghai, and the school is paying.” Guess what? Pancakes have been beaten.

“I get to finish what’s on the fork?”

“Sure, but do it quickly.”

Free meal is a free meal. I swallow the pancake as if it was a pill, which makes me cry inside for the half eaten pancake.

“I’m in. Now what?

“Now get everything you need and get up.” Well, she already bought me. What can I do, say no to food?

*

“Why is the American-” Not you. Shut up.

“If you keep whining, I’m going to Enola Gay your face.” That seemed to work with him. He doesn’t talk. Saki looks furious about the two of us.

“You two should stop! You need to be ashamed of actually threatening each other! Shimizu, I have already told you to not annoy people who are not fully Japanese, and you don’t listen even for a moment!” Can’t help but smile about that roast.

“And you!” She points a finger towards me. “Do you understand how severe was your sentence? There are people around here who had family that died in the hands of the bombs! Never say something like this around here!” I want to throw a smug comment, but my common sense holds my tongue from talking. I bow towards her. I must be the better person here. Breath in.

“I am very sorry for disgracing the family of people here. If any of you were offended, this is my duty to ask you for your forgiveness.” It has satisfied Saki a bit, but she’s still a little angry.

“I accept your apology. I believe you had a few rough days with him, so I will let this slur pass this time with no consequences. Now Shimizu, apologize.”

“I am sorry for calling you in names, and mocking your heritage.” This is merely an act, and most people around here know it. I got out with the upper hand for now, but I need to refrain from using the second world war as a way to curse people that I don’t know well enough. This also extends to jokes, as I learned before. Black humor is like legs, and not everybody has it.

“I accept your apology.”

“As no damage has been done, I recommend you will not talk to each other while we’re getting ready. Now, let’s start the final practice. Isumu, did you read the text yet?”

“I’ll get up and going in no time. I’ll read it while we’re practicing. Already wasted enough time for everyone.” And I was just drafted!

“Let’s not get back to that quarreling, okay? Minami, you are first.”

*

The ceremony has passed rather nicely- despite initial fears, I was a suitable replacement. Even if I have proven myself as a below average student in most subjects, I can always be a speaker. Maybe, when I’m bored and need some cash, I can talk about my disability in schools, or become an English teacher. Probably the latter, since it's a constant pay.

And now that we’re done, you know what time is it: It’s Shanghai Noon!

“So guys, how about we see each other in the Shanghai?” Minami said. She takes pride in her independence, and just loves to be a free spirit. I could happen to-

“Isumu?” Hiroko? Are you looking for me?

“I’m here!” I raise my hand for her, remembering she can’t see me. She gets closer, places the cane in her other hand, and shakes my hand.

“So you’re going to shake my hand every time we meet?”

“Unless we'll be hugging!” I think you are a little overboard there. We know each other for a couple of days, and she seems to be really friendly with me. Not that I mind being friendly with her, though- I like her ability to laugh. I couldn’t find many good jokes about burns, but she makes blind jokes look easy. I also happen to crack them occasionally. Should’ve seen it coming.

“I’m going to eat with the student council. What about you?” She raises a brow.

“Really? And you wouldn’t come and eat with me?”

“The food around here is nice, but a cafe is a cafe.”

“I know a good restaurant around here. You said you are American, right?”

“Just a quarter.”

“Then you can still get friendly with the workers in ‘Colonel Abrams’. They make some tasty burgers. Do you like to eat burgers?”

What’s next? Rodeo and BBQ? It's like asking a German if he likes Wurst or if an Italian likes pasta.

“Yes, but....”

“I’ll pay for both of us. Most students here come from rich families, and I’m no exception.”

“I don't know. It's just that I don't feel very comfortable taking money from you.”

“Do you want to go and eat with them in a cute cafe, or eat some big, juicy, hamburger?"

“How American is that place?” I would rather not go to a tourist hotspot. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

“I think it’s quite American.”

“Not ‘Manifest Destiny’ level of American?” Self humor is an important skill; might as well refine it.

“Manifest Destiny?”

“I’ll maybe explain it later. Now where is the restaurant?” Hamburger and Cola beats cake and tea.

“It’s in the town. If I remember correctly, the bus should be here in a few minutes. We have to hurry, because the next one will come only in 30 minutes."

“Say no more.” With the hand that does not hold the cane, she takes my hand. How she’s done it so quickly is beyond my ability.

“I’m sorry if I’m being too invasive… It’s just that personal borders have less meaning in my world. Is it alright with you?”

“I don’t see anything wrong with that.” It was enough to make her laugh.

“That’s why you can be my friend.”

“Eye see you like me.” Her laughter is getting stronger by the moment; I want to make her laugh so hard she’ll have to breath.

“Maybe. Now get to the bus before we miss it. We have a great spot for lunch without the classes.”

*

The bus we are taking feels a little weird, and not of the good kind- although I’m not a stranger to buses, I don’t think you should be stared at by the other people who ride the bus. The people who look upon us see us as mere cripples, I Believe. Some kids might see as the people we are, but others around here know exactly that we are not in that school for nothing- a blind girl and a burned young man.

The looks they are sending towards me are making me uncomfortable, almost jealous at Hiroko for not seeing them. On the other hand, I can hear whispers. I take deep breaths in order to hold the anger. I regret not taking my earphones. The people are making me feel bad, and I want it to stop.


I surf the internet with my phone- Sites in English, of course. There is much to read in English. Anything to escape their looks. It helps, but I feel they are still looking.

Hiroko is reading a book- that I can’t read, of course. It’s in braille, and I have no use for it.

“Do you like reading?” I ask her. Anything that can divert me from the rest of the bus right now will be nice.

“A little.”

“What are you reading?"

“Alice in Wonderland. This is a nice book.”

“I never had an affinity for books. I am more a person of movies.”

“That would be nice.”

“Movies?”

“Oh, yeah. Watching the movies might be out of the question, but listening to them has some magic.”

“Isumu?” She keeps talking. Not that I mind, of course.

“Yeah?”

“Would you rather watch a Japanese movie or an American movie?”

“Why do you ask that?”

“Just curious.”

“If the movie is animated, a Japanese movie. Otherwise, the Americans have many good movies. My turn for a question.” We start to head to the city. This is not a town like I live in, but a big, bustling city.

“Sure, ask.”

“Would you rather succeed in school, or enjoy it to the maximum?”

“Hmm… Both are important, but we only live once. I say we should enjoy it. Also, this is our stop.”

“You seem to head to the town a lot, aren’t you?” We step out of the bus. People are looking at us even more in the big city.

“I ate there once or twice with a friend. It was nice.”

“And you know all the way from memory?”

“I may have also got ready. I have a GPS in my phone. I listen to it as we speak.”

“Oh.” I missed her earphones? How did we even talk while she had them?

“Memory is good, though.”

“I will try to remember it.” She gives a small giggle.

“Don’t forget.”

Might have been interesting to know just what kind of ceremony necessitated a text being read in English...

Mirage_GSM wrote:Might have been interesting to know just what kind of ceremony necessitated a text being read in English...

He read a text he has never read before (which has also happened to be in English) flawlessly. Satomi, needing a last minute replacement, had just the right guy for the mission.

Yes, that much was obvious from the chapter.
But what kind of ceremony would require an english text to be read out?

Mirage_GSM wrote:Yes, that much was obvious from the chapter.
But what kind of ceremony would require an english text to be read out?

A Ceremony in either an English talking country or institute... Which is NOT the ceremony that was presented in the chapter. The ceremony in this chapter was in Japanese and there was no text in English.