Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo

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Alpacalypse
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 24/6/15]

Post by Alpacalypse »

Saki is adorable - the world is now at peace! I also really like that particular piece of art - surprisingly appropriate for that scene, too.

Shizune's speech problems are weird - I was going to point them out as spelling errors. Then I noticed that they were supposed to be intentional :lol:

I'm not really understanding how Rin's personality is inverted, though. She just seems like Rin.

Something wrong here, too:
swampie2 wrote: I suppose that's
You just cut yourself off here without any punctuation to indicate interruption or anything. Did you just not add what you were supposed to, or did you forget the punctuation?

All in all, though, another interesting chapter - you keep me guessing as to where you're going with this, because I have no idea.
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 24/6/15]

Post by swampie2 »

Alpacalypse wrote:Saki is adorable - the world is now at peace! I also really like that particular piece of art - surprisingly appropriate for that scene, too.

Shizune's speech problems are weird - I was going to point them out as spelling errors. Then I noticed that they were supposed to be intentional :lol:

I'm not really understanding how Rin's personality is inverted, though. She just seems like Rin.

Something wrong here, too:
swampie2 wrote: I suppose that's

You just cut yourself off here without any punctuation to indicate interruption or anything. Did you just not add what you were supposed to, or did you forget the punctuation?

All in all, though, another interesting chapter - you keep me guessing as to where you're going with this, because I have no idea.


The art was my inspiration for the scene actually, so that's why it worked so well ;)

Long haired Saki is just too adorable.

I tried to look up deaf people speaking to get it right, though lots of different people have problems with different words so I had to improvise a little bit for Shizune.
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 21/6/15]

Post by danfs »

swampie2 wrote: It's a good thing I don't have a heart condition or she could have easily killed me with that.
I understood that reference :mrgreen:
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 21/6/15]

Post by swampie2 »

danfs wrote:
swampie2 wrote: It's a good thing I don't have a heart condition or she could have easily killed me with that.
I understood that reference :mrgreen:
First time I played Emi's route I was fully expecting her to cause him some problems with that puppy dog stare.
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 24/6/15]

Post by swampie2 »

Chapter List
Part 10: More of a tea girl

Image

"You're a coffee kinda guy then, huh?"

"Right, coffee is the drink for intellectuals."

"I'm more of a tea girl myself." She winks to me while taking a sip from her decorated teacup.

I wave my hand through the air, as if to knock such silly ideas away. "Slander. I thought you'd have better taste."

"You don't know my tastes yet Kazuko." She once again sips while peeking up at me, It's adorable.

"Yet?" She blushes as I call her out.

"Yet." She agrees before placing her cup back onto It's saucer. "You learn all kinds of things about a girl when you're on a date."

"This isn't a date just yet, I only agreed to pay for you since I almost threw you down a flight of stairs."

This time she calls me out; "Yet?"

"We'll see." I sip from my mug. The coffee here is a little bitter, but still better than the instant stuff that I've been drinking from Aura-Mart. Our empty plates lie before us, I had some chocolate cake while Saki decided to order the most expensive parfait on the menu.

"So what brings you to Yamaku?" She asks, now leaning back into her seat.

"Take a wild guess?" I tap my prosthetic against the table leg, making a metallic clang.

"Okay, okay, I knew that but It just felt like asking would be nicer." She blushes in a most adorable fashion.

"I don't mind, honestly. Enough people have asked that I'm used to it by now." After I finish, a couple of seconds of silence fill the air before she speaks again.

"Sorry... you were front page on the papers for a while."

"I was?" This fact has taken me by surprise though. "What was the headline?" She takes a second, considering if she's pushing to topic too far, to be honest I'm starting to feel a little intrigued.

"It was..." She racks her brain for a second, or she's simply deciding if she wants to tell me or not "Something like "Drunk driver jailed for hit and run" I think..."

"I didn't know he got jail time, I don't know if I should feel happy about that or not." I think aloud.

"I'd be happy to have someone to blame it on." She once again sips her cooling tea, as if attempting to dodge the follow up.

I want to say "You don't?" but If she wanted me to know about why she's attending Yamaku then she'd tell me.

"I could look at it that way, but I like to think that those events that brought me here have changed me for the better, even if I lost a leg along the way." She considers the point before agreeing.

"I like that. Far to many people here are cagey about what's up with them so they just live their whole lives being sad about what happened."

"Well lots of them have reason to be, but I think that dwelling on events out of my control isn't a great use of my time."

"Because your time is so valuable?" She jokes, I'm glad her mood has improved now we're not talking about such a grim topic.

"I'm going to be charging you for this you know?" She laughs, and I'm even more glad. Her laugh is the perfect mixture of joy and happiness, it's delightfully charming.

"Well then I'll have to visit the bank." She winks her usual wink that makes me blush, I'm sure she's practised that in the mirror. "But for now we should start making our way back. Neither of us are very fast." She jokes, tapping her cane against my crutch that's rested at the end of table.

"Very true, but I will weigh a lot less once I pay this bill." I eye her empty parfait glass before laughing, she looks so guilty I almost feel bad. "I'm joking, don't worry." She pouts at my jest, I'm sure she'd try and poke me in the ribs and call me an ass if she could.

Before I know it we're already on our way out of the small cafe.

"Back to Yamaku?"

"Nope, I need to get something while we're down here." I nod and she begins walking at her brisk pace that I'm kind of thankful for.

---

After a couple of turns we arrive in front of what looks like a music shop.

"You play?"

"Violin, come on." She quickly makes her way inside and I follow her.

Image

The walls are adorned with various forms of guitar, while each corner of the main room seems to be dedicated to a different instrument, pianos, orchestral instruments and pieces of random equipment and cables are scattered around haphazardly. It's strange to have a store this big for such a little town. I guess most of the business must be online.

Saki makes her way though the main room and into a smaller room of to the side. Once I follow her I see a large glass display covering a whole wall, showing off a couple of old looking violins. I quickly read the plaque below the display, it seems as though these are violins once played by famous violinists. I casually glance at the price tag dangling from the display and wince once I see the price.

"How can you afford this stuff Saki?"

"Secret." She responds, still inspecting a small shelf filled with tiny white boxes, and I decide to wander over to her.

"What do you need?"

"New strings, I broke one last practice."

She picks out a packet from the shelf and inspects the price, 7000 yen. She sees the price and considers for a moment more before placing them back onto the shelf with a sigh and following it lower and picking out a second packet. 3000 yen this time, though they look to be of worse quality from the packaging. My mind thinks up a plan. I wait for her to begin her walk toward the counter and grab the green packet from the shelf, hiding it as best as I can.

Once we reach the counter she turns to me and tells me to wait for a second. I quickly turn to the owner and lower my voice to a whisper.

"Hey, can you do me a favour?" He nods slowly. I place the packet on the counter along with a couple yen notes. "Give her these instead of the ones she has, okay?" He grins and nods once again, then slides both into his hands and placing them out of sight. Saki returns with a small box and places it on the counter with her cheaper strings before forking over what looks like the last of her cash. He quickly places the smaller box in a bag with the shops logo on the front before slipping my present inside rather stealthily. I look over to her to see if she's noticed, but she was too pre-occupied placing her purse back into her bag. We grab her things and begin walking out, I lag behind and give the cashier a thumbs up that he mirrors.

Once we're outside, she peeks inside the bag. "Oh no, I think they gave me the wrong stuff..."

"No they didn't." I grin, still looking straight forward attempting to look as neutral as possible.

"What do you mean?"

"Secret." I mirror her earlier phrase. She stares at me with a shocked expression on her face and I can feel my façade breaking down.

"You didn't, did you?"

"Just a little present." I smile to her.

She giggles before speaking; "That's a cute thing for you to do, but being too cute has its drawbacks too."

"Like what?"

She doesn't respond, at least not the response I was expecting. "Thanks Kazuko." She smiles shyly before returning her gaze to the road in front of her.

"No problem. It's like getting expensive coffee instead of cheap stuff right?"

"Or expensive tea over cheap tea."

"Or cheap coffee over expensive tea."

"Ass."


---


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Last edited by swampie2 on Mon Jun 29, 2015 2:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 25/6/15]

Post by swampie2 »

How many of you guys would be interested in the fiction also being presented in video form? like this:

(snipped)

It's a rough video but it's more of a proof of concept.

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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 25/6/15]

Post by Alpacalypse »

That's not bad, actually. Not sure if it would work for everything, but it's certainly interesting.

As for comments on the last chapter; the banter between Saki and Kazuko is certainly amusing. They have a nice chemistry :)
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 25/6/15]

Post by swampie2 »

Alpacalypse wrote:That's not bad, actually. Not sure if it would work for everything, but it's certainly interesting.

As for comments on the last chapter; the banter between Saki and Kazuko is certainly amusing. They have a nice chemistry :)
It's in-engine so I couldn't release it, but videos should be fine, right?
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 25/6/15]

Post by Blank Mage »

Two problems, though: one, reading speed is going to be tough to manage, since there can be quite a difference in how long it takes people to make it through a sentence.

More importantly, the sprites no longer match the characters. Emi acts more like Lilly, Lilly acts like Emi, Hanako isn't shy and Shizune isn't forceful. These images won't match what's being said in most instances.
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 25/6/15]

Post by Silentcook »

swampie2 wrote:How many of you guys would be interested in the fiction also being presented in video form? like this:

(snipped)

It's a rough video but it's more of a proof of concept.
I already told you to use a strawpoll link or whatever you prefer if you want to poll people about your stuff, but not to do it on the forums.

I'm rather more miffed at the license abuse you seem to be intent on, though.
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 25/6/15]

Post by swampie2 »

My mistake Silent, I'll refrain from that in future.

Sorry about that :(
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 25/6/15]

Post by swampie2 »

Bit of a short chapter here, but I hope you can enjoy it anyway :)

Chapter List
Part 11: Hangover

After returning Saki to the female dorms and being invited to the upcoming recital, I return to my room, a large stack of homework looms in my mind. I quickly grab a can of soft drink from the common room fridge and make my way to my room. I'm glad they gave me a room on the first floor, I'm not all that great at getting up them just yet.

I flick on the chain of small lights that adorn my walls and begin to remove my prosthetic.

I take a seat at my desk before lifting the lid of my laptop, and it begins to whir to life. I quickly enter my password and open up the school board website to check what I need to work on before my next lesson. I download a small document that Mutou emailed us and I begin slogging away at the work feeling like I'm moving at a snails pace. After an hour I have a couple sheets done, and decide it's time for a break and stand attempting to stretch my body as best I can. I don't think I'll get much more done today, my bed is looking very appetizing right now.


---


As I awaken and my senses return, I can hear something, a girls voice. That's strange, since we are in the male dorms. I check the clock, 3:44 Am. I quickly stand and rub the sleep from my eyes before flicking my lights on. I can only guess why a girl is in the boys dorms at almost 4Am, but I want them to be quiet. I step out into the hallway and make my way towards the sounds, eventually arriving at the dorm room opposite mine. I knock 3 times, loud enough for them to hear. They lul for a second before continuing doing... whatever it was they were doing. I knock again, this time I hear someone grumble and make their way towards the door.

"What do you want?" A bespectacled guy swings to door open, standing in front of me with only pants on.

"Can you be quiet, some of us are trying to sleep." My voice is still groggy, but I manage to include the anger I wanted to. He turns slightly, pointing to his bed with his hand. I look past him and see that there is someone sat on his bed, presumably the girl I was hearing.

"Can you really blame us bro?" He chuckles.

"Just... do it quietly, christ." I turn and begin walking to my room again. I hear him laugh before slamming his door shut, most likely waking those of us who hadn't been woken by his late night antics. Though it does seem to work, as I manage to lul myself back to sleep with minimum effort.


---


"I'm just doing what the fortune cookie said to do, who am I to stand in the way of fate?" Saki giggles I jokingly begin to remove my shirt.

"What did it even say to get you to do... that?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." I re-do the top buttons I had begun to unbutton before returning to my small carton of takeout food.

After the recital Saki offered to buy her bandmates some food and invited me along, even though all but one has left, and that one is now sleeping on the desk loudly. The recital wasn't really my taste, but I can appreciate the practice and effort everyone went through to get to that point. Though it was mostly classical, one band played some more modern songs, it's a shame I didn't get to see them since Saki was so eager to leave. Food was more pressing though.

"Have you ever been drunk Kazuko?" She asks, snapping me back to reality.

"Once but... you don't need to know about that."

"Ooh, something scandalous?"

"No, no, nothing like that, trust me." She takes the lul in conversation to reach into her bag before placing a small bottle of something on her desk.

"Whiskey!" She exclaims, rather loudly.

"How did you even get that?" I chuckle, throwing my takeout box into the small bin beside the large desk at the end of the room.

She grins wildly "My brother in law works in the city, he let me buy some."

"And you want to open it with me?" I've never had whiskey before, just cheap beer, so I'm not sure If i'd handle it all that well.

"Not here! Let's go to my dorm room?" She stands from her seat, attempting to throw her trash into the basket as I had, but failing, drawing a small laugh from me. She stares daggers in my general direction before returning to her previous mood.

"What about Suzu?"

"She'll wake up soon, not like either of us can carry her to her room."

"True." I agree while gathering the last of the rubbish left by the others, and Saki's misplaced shot, before placing them on top of the stack of cartons inside the bin.


---


"Oh god..." My head feels like it's been hit with a sledgehammer. I slowly open my eyes, only to be assaulted by the bright light of the sun peeking through the window. I attempt to move my leg, but find it to be quite a bit heavier than yesterday. I think I slept on my arm since I can't really feel my right hand, let's hope it's still there. After quickly checking by tapping my fingers together, I can be certain that my hand is in fact, still there. I look around the room, It's not my room for sure. The sheets are pink, almost pink enough to hurt my eyes. One wall is covered with photos, attached to it's center sits a stand, proudly displaying a violin; Must be Saki's room.

I turn my head to find a clock, seeing one on the bedside table; 5am. My arm begins to tingle as blood flows back through it, I look over to it and see what's been pinning it, and my thoughts grind to a halt. My arm is placed underneath Saki's body, her legs wrapped around mine and her free hand lying on my chest. Her head is resting on the pillow we share, our noses less than an inch from each other while her hair flows idly across the sheets behind her. What happened last night?

I use my free hand to check my crotch, I'm wearing pants at least and nothing is wet, so if that did happen then I at least had the common sense left to clean myself off. That can't have happened though, there is no way. I start trying to piece together what happened last night.

"Mhmm..." Saki stirs, shifting her position slightly so she's snuggling against me even more. I'd feel terrible to wake her when she looks so peaceful. I remember eating some takeout, then coming back to Saki's dorm room. We started out drinking shots, whiskey tastes awful, in fact it's taste is still lingering in my mouth. After that though, I don't remember as single thing. Perhaps I'll remember more once I'm actually awake.

Saki shifts once again, this time it seems she's woken. She sleepily opens her eyes and inspects the room before meeting my own.

"Ahh!" She jumps, most likely startled by our proximity, or at least that's what I hope. She quickly retreats into the sheet of her bed, her entire face now rose red.

"Morning..." I mumble as I sit myself up, massaging my now free arm in an attempt to get the blood flowing a little quicker.

"H-hi..."

"Do you... remember?" She takes a second to form her thoughts, then frowns in pain as her headache hits her.

"Gah... not a thing. You?"

"Nope, I-" My thoughts are cut off as Saki releases a squeak, noticing that we're both somewhat naked.

"Did... did we?"

"I don't think so." I once again attempt to remember, only achieving in hurting my brain some more. "But I'm not sure why we are... like this."

"Bah." She slams her head back into the pillow with a soft thump. "It was comfortable though..." She speaks under her breath, before realizing she said it out loud. "Oh, uh, I mean-"

"Don't worry about it, do you want a drink?"

"That'd be nice." With that, I haul myself to the edge of the bed attempting to scan the room for clothes, only managing to see my trousers perched atop a mirror, my shirt is nowhere to be found though. I'll have to do with a dressing gown, even if it's bright pink.

"Suits you." She giggles, all I offer is a profanity in sign before leaving for the kitchen just down the hall with one crutch. I think I should be okay, not many people are awake at 5am, or I hope so anyway. Luckily I retrieve glasses and some soft drinks before anyone else walks into the kitchen to ask what I'm doing in the girls dorm at 5am in a pink fluffy dressing gown. I walk back into Saki's room and make sure to close the door behind me before offering a glass to the girl who is now perched on the edge of the bed.

She takes a sip "Pepsi, really?"

"What did you expect, Coke?"

"You're the worst waiter." She takes another sip before looking me over and giggling loudly.

"What's up?" I attempt to do my best at a model pose, leaning against her dresser as provocatively as I can.

"You kept your sock on." She points to the ground where i'm stood, still giggling, and I see that I do still have my singular brightly colored sock on. "If I remember that we did do something and you had your socks on the whole time then I'll hold that over you forever."


---


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Last edited by swampie2 on Mon Jun 29, 2015 2:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 27/6/15]

Post by danfs »

swampie2 wrote:"Can you be quiet, some of us are trying to sleep." My voice is still groggy, but I manage to include the anger I wanted to. He turns slightly, pointing to his bed with his hand. I look past him and see that there is someone sat on his bed, presumably the girl I was hearing.
For a brief moment, I really thought that could be Kenji and Saki in the room, but that would be the most no-sense thing that could ever happen in any kind of universe :lol:
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