Katawa Shoujo Forums

"Future" takes places in Lillies path, Years after Hisao has attended college, and now He, Lilly and Misha all teach at Yamaku

I hope you enjoy it, and i'd love to hear some feedback!



Part 1 (Google Docs)

Part 2 (KS Forums)

Okay, first of all, I'd prefer it if you posted the story here, but since it was just a short piece so far I read it anyway.

A few issues:
- Your dialoge is very monotone. Every single line begins with the direct speech followed by some short explanation. It's especially obvious since you coloured all your speech^^° Try to put more variation there.

- Misha is Mrs. Mikado? Why Mrs?

- Some names are not capitalized.

- Misha never used Lilchan to adress Lilly in the VN - why should she pick that up when she is an adult? She should be grown up not regressed... In fact in the VN she uses the chan suffix for ONLY Shizune and Hisao. She adresses Lilly, Hanako, Emi and Hideaki by their normal names.

There is not yet much story to comment on, except for the three of them all teaching at Yamaku straining credibility a bit...

Welcome to the forum!

Gotta say, this had such a nice feeling while I was reading it. I just felt so relaxed You opened well, the way this is set up you've got tons of room to expand story wise. I can honestly just see all the possible possibilities!

Otherwise, there was a few instances where characters lost the capitals in their names and perhaps one or two spelling mistakes? I forgot. xD Regardless, just keep doing what you're doing. I'm looking forward to the next part! I'm especially looking forward to what Hanako's gonna be like...

But I'll wait...

Mirage_GSM wrote:Okay, first of all, I'd prefer it if you posted the story here, but since it was just a short piece so far I read it anyway.

A few issues:
- Your dialoge is very monotone. Every single line begins with the direct speech followed by some short explanation. It's especially obvious since you coloured all your speech^^° Try to put more variation there.

- Misha is Mrs. Mikado? Why Mrs?

- Some names are not capitalized.

- Misha never used Lilchan to adress Lilly in the VN - why should she pick that up when she is an adult? She should be grown up not regressed... In fact in the VN she uses the chan suffix for ONLY Shizune and Hisao. She adresses Lilly, Hanako, Emi and Hideaki by their normal names.

There is not yet much story to comment on, except for the three of them all teaching at Yamaku straining credibility a bit...

That's no problem, I'll make sure to post here next time

Monotone dialoge is a problem, yes, but practice makes perfect!

Is Mrs not the right word? I was under the impression that Mrs was the right way to say that they're not married, correct?

Whoops, i apologize for the capitalization, must have slipped my mind

I like to think that Misha and Lilly have grown closer in their time teaching, and as she was fast to call Hisao "Hicchan" i think it makes sense that she'd give her a nickname when they became friends. As for her personality, I think that since her personality is so set in the visual novel, it's not going to change much as she ages, at least with her friends.

Credibility wise, I understand that it's likely all three would teach in different places, though i suppose that's one good thing about fanfic, i can shuffle things around as a please. I understand it's a lazy way to include pre-written characters the everyone knows, but I'd like to explore how the time they've spent has changed them, while still keeping from jumping from school to school



Thanks for the feedback, i'll be sure to implement these changes into the next part

RidiculousLuke wrote:Welcome to the forum!

Gotta say, this had such a nice feeling while I was reading it. I just felt so relaxed You opened well, the way this is set up you've got tons of room to expand story wise. I can honestly just see all the possible possibilities!

Otherwise, there was a few instances where characters lost the capitals in their names and perhaps one or two spelling mistakes? I forgot. xD Regardless, just keep doing what you're doing. I'm looking forward to the next part! I'm especially looking forward to what Hanako's gonna be like...

But I'll wait...

Thank you!

I'll have to work on my editing skills for sure, proof read a little more, but that comes with practice

swampie2 wrote: Is Mrs not the right word? I was under the impression that Mrs was the right way to say that they're not married, correct?

Mrs. is used by married women. Miss. is used by unmarried women. Ms. can be used by either and is also used to refer to women whose marital status is unknown to the writer (or speaker).

Oscar Wildecat wrote:

swampie2 wrote: Is Mrs not the right word? I was under the impression that Mrs was the right way to say that they're not married, correct?

Mrs. is used by married women. Miss. is used by unmarried women. Ms. can be used by either and is also used to refer to women whose marital status is unknown to the writer (or speaker).

Ahh, my mistake, I've corrected it

Part 2!


“Deep breaths. I’ve been through worse”

I sit in my temporary sanctuary attempting to hype myself up for the first real public appearance i’ve agreed too

“Miss Ikezawa? We’re going to be ready soon”

“Thank you…”

I stand and dust myself off. A quick peek in the mirror shows that most of the blood in my face has drained to my pounding chest. I stand still for a moment thinking of what led up to this point.

To be honest i’m kind of surprised at the reviews I’ve gotten so far, both me and my publisher expected lower scores. That thought bolsters my confidence slightly, and i slowly push the door open.

The book shop I’d chosen to release the book in stands before me, the smell of ink and paper are quite relaxing, though it’s not as quiet as it was before, the room is filled with idle chatter.

The store isn’t exactly packed yet, for that i’m glad. Various reviewers and writers stand around, drinking from glasses of wine that are comically small and chatting between themselves.

As I take a step into the room i’m offered a thimble of wine myself, and decide it’s best to have something to do with my hands and take a glass.

Just as I begin to choose the best approach into this situation, I hear a familiar voice from the door.

“Hanako! fancy seeing you here, huh?” His enthusiasm is slightly contagious.

My publisher

“Hey Razan, how are you today?”

“I’m just great Hanako, and yourself?”

“I’m well, thank you”

Luckily his attention is grabbed by someone in a suit, beckoning him to join them.

“I’ll speak to you later Han, make sure to have a drink!” He seems to have missed the small amount of wine I’m holding, possibly because it’s not even enough to perceive, given it’s size.

”There she is!”

Luckily i hear Hisao’s voice, i’m glad they’ve arrived earlier than i told them, meaning i don’t have to mingle with business types until I’m feeling slightly more up to it.

It’s nice seeing them both so dressed up, Lilly wearing a fitting black dress and Hisao wearing a slightly laughable white tuxedo.

“Hey guys! I see that lilly has dressed you both”

Hisao blushes slightly and grabs the back of his head in an exasperated motion, as if he knew I’d crack a joke at his expense.

“Well I can imagine he looks just stunning!” Her porcelain smile is refreshing.

“As do you Lilly! it’s rare to get you all dressed up like this”

“Thank you Hanako! And congratulations on your book, it was quite the read”

“It took me forever to find a publisher that would print in Braile, But I know it was worth it” I take the break in conversation as a change to give Lilly a lingering hug.

”Seems like you two have a bit of catching up to do, huh? I’ll grab some drinks” Hisao bows dramatically as he takes his leave to find a waiter, still reeling over my little jab.



Hisao’s POV

As I search for a waiter I ponder if I should have gone for the white tux or something more conservative. Either way it seems to have given Hanako a laugh, so it wasn’t a wasted effort.

”Excuse me” The waiter looks over to me and notices my face.

“Ah Mr Nakai correct? What can I do for you today?”

”Fantastic, Three glasses of this please, and don’t worry about finding any small glassware”

He attempts to figure out what I mean before clicking onto my very well hidden attempt to get some larger glasses.

“Coming right up, Mr Nakai, it won’t be long”

I choose a medium group of people to chat with in the meantime. they seem to be speaking about an autobiography of someone entrepreneur I haven’t heard of before. Suddenly it dawns on me that I don’t really know anybody here.

The rooms seems to be filled with writers and reviewers, that’s it. It seems as though this is more of a corporate event than a fan-meet type of deal.

Eventually the waiter returns with a tray and three glasses of wine, alongside a bottle, and I thank him before returning to Hanako and Lilly

“...I think including such a scene adds a lot of reality to the world you’ve created”

“Hmm, for some time I was debating if I should clean it up a bit, but I think leaving it uncut was the best option”

”Ladies, can i get you anything tonight?” i put forth my best attempt at waiting in jest.

“Ah yes, I’ll have a glass of wine please sir” Lilly plays along, and for a second I wonder if she’s actually mistaken me for a waiter, then a laugh escapes from behind her smile.

“Wine will be fine for me Hisao! I see you’ve taken the initiative and found some bigger glasses” She holds up her glass that I hadn’t even noticed her holding before, as if to compare it to the regular sized glasses I’d appropriated. Now they seem rather large in comparison.

I place the tray on the table and pour some wine for the three of us before holding up my glass

”Cheers to a wonderful career in Authery!”

Hanako giggles and raises her glass as Lilly attempts to find our glasses hung in the air before colliding them with a resounding ting.

“It’s only one book Hisao, don’t get so ahead of yourself silly!” I can see that she has taken this as a compliment.

As we drink I notice that my phone is ringing, I apologize to the ladies and step outside to answer it. Checking my caller ID, I see that it’s Inejiro, a fellow teacher at the academy.

”Afternoon Inejiro, what’s that matter?” She takes a second to respond, and I can almost tell what he’s about to say

“Hey there Hisao, I’m sorry to call you at the moment but…”

”It’s Takuya isn’t it?”

“She’s outside your class again, Security couldn’t get her to move”

”I’ll swing by, thanks for letting me know”

I quickly return inside and let the girls know I’ll have to be leaving for a short time

“I’ll hold you to that promise Mr Nakai, I won’t be driving myself back!”

Hanako lets out a short giggle before returning to her almost empty glass of wine

”I’ll be back before you know it, make sure there is at least a little wine left before I get back”

Giving the two a wave and returning to my car, I consider what’s eating at Takuya again. Luckily I’ve only had a half glass of wine so I should be able to drive


---


I quickly jump up the steps to the hallway my class resides on, finding myself slightly short of breath as I reach the top, I’m greeted by one of the security staff but quickly wave him off, I cannot be bothered with that sort of stuff today

“Looking very slick tonight sir, Got a date?” The girl lies before me in the hallway, sprawled out in front of my classroom door. Her eyepatch has come loose and is now lying beside her.

”You could say that. What brings you to my classroom after curfew?”

“Couldn’t sleep, mind if i talk to you for a while?”

”I’m all ears” I sit down against the wall beside the door ”Is this about Haruki?”

Even in the low light I can see her pout slightly at the mention of his name

“You noticed?”

”It’s a teacher's job to know about the goings on between their students”

”He’s being a Dick again”

”Language. And I guessed that much. You don’t have to fill me in on all the details if you don’t feel like it, after all I’m just your teacher. You have to remember that he cares very much for you, even if he doesn’t show it how you’d like him too.

”I try to remember that, but whenever we speak everything just dries up. I’m starting to think the only way we can converse is over text”

”I once had a friend like that, I was talking to her earlier today actually. She was very shy, Incredibly shy. It took weeks for he to warm up to me. And today she released her first published book to millions. It could be that Haruki has some similar problems, you may just need to take things slower for a while, what may seem like a snail's pace for you may seem like a magnet train at full speed to him.

She sits up suddenly, flicking her long, unkept brunette hair over her face.

“Huh. well I’ll give it a try, thanks teach”

She stands up, retrieving her eyepatch as she stands and replacing it on her head.

”No problem, try to contact me sooner next time though, I do need to get back to my hot date.

“Sorry bout that. Still give her one from me” She winks and begins walking towards the security staff, ready to return to her dorm safely.

I check my watch and see that I’ve been sat for slightly too long, and decided it’s best to return to the party before lilly inebriates herself beyond being able to walk.


--


Lilly’s POV (Is point of view the correct term?)

One bottle down (at least it feels empty) and Hanako’s been swept off to speak to someone. She seemed reluctant at least.

Given a moment to myself, I begin to feel ill. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so eager to drink

Suddenly I feel a pair of hands press to my face from behind, they’re shockingly cold.

”Guess who?” It's clearly not misha

“Misha?” I jest

”You got me!” he removes his hands and sits beside me, seeing the empty wine bottle on the table.

”I see you’re taking the festivities to heart!”

“You weren’t here, I decided you wouldn’t miss it” I can just imagine his pout.

”Well I daren’t get any more or we’ll both be-”

I lean to over, touching our noses together first to make sure I don’t headbutt him in the process, then lay a kiss right onto him mid speech. I can tell he’s taken aback from my spontaneous kiss.

”You taste of wine” His response is almost instant.

“You taste of buzzkill” I’m usually more witty under the influence.

I hear Hanako politely take her leave and almost jump into the seat opposite us.

“I’m spent” She sounds it

”Oh No! I thought we’d get some karaoke out of you by the end of the evening”

She snorts her drink with the unexpected response. And now I can just imagine Hisao singing, giving me a small chuckle.

“Though it would be fun, I think I'm also done this evening” My head feels like it spinning.

I can hear Hisao deflate.

”In that case, I’ll be your courier tonight” I take his extended hand and lift myself to my feet, only now realising how much wine I’d had.

“Take care guys!”

We say our goodbyes and I’m lead to the car, leaning on Hisao more than I usually do.

”Don’t fall asleep in the car, It’d break my heart to have to wake you up”

“Shh, I’m almost there” I half joke.

He lets out a small chuckle before helping me get in the car and starting the engine

He begins to speak to me, but I'm already too close to falling asleep to pay attention.

I like to think that Misha and Lilly have grown closer in their time teaching, and as she was fast to call Hisao "Hicchan" i think it makes sense that she'd give her a nickname when they became friends. As for her personality, I think that since her personality is so set in the visual novel, it's not going to change much as she ages, at least with her friends.

Misha and Lilly knew each other very well even in school - they were on the student council together for over a year, remember?
And the chan-suffix is simply not used at all among adults in Japan, except maybe among lovers, and the implication that Misha and Lilly might be that is absurd.

Regarding the current chapter:
- I is always capitalized in English.

- Dialogue lines still always begin with direct speech, but the descriptive part is a bit more varied this time around - except for the Lilly part. Here it's not even always clear who's saying what.

”You got me!” he removes his hands and sits beside me, seeing the empty glasses on the table.

The waiters haven' been removing those?

All in all I'd say it's an improvement over the first chapter.