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Hey I'm new here and am working on a story I guess. Any constructive criticism would be great!!




As I arose from my bed I slapped my alarm clock with a lazy arm. It was time for one last morning run with Emi today I remembered as I jumped out of bed and started to put on my gym clothes. Today is the last day I'll spend at Yamaku Academy. Today is graduation day. That is all that went through my mind as I briskly walked towards the track to meet Emi.

As it got in sight I heard a cheerful voice directed towards me.
"You're late, Hisao!" As I turned to face the oncoming Emi i retorted
"You're just ear-" I was suddenly stopped by a spontaneous kiss. I embraced her as we continued for what seemed like forever until our lips parted.
"Are you ready to give it your all on your last run at Yamaku?" She said as she began to stretch. I took a moment as I started as well before I answered.
"Couldn't be more ready." As we finished stretching and got ready to start Emi glanced at me.
"Hisao, thank you for everything you've done for me. You stayed when I tried to push you away and I'm so glad that you did. Promise me that we'll continue to run together. That you'll stay."
looked at her with the whole world in eyes. "I promise." And soon enough me and Emi were running.
Side by side. I matched her pace for once and we finished earlier then we ever had before.

"Good job, Hisao! I knew you could do it!" I was bent over breathing heavy but I managed to get my words out in between deep breaths.
"Thanks.... Emi.... I.... I couldn't do it..without you. "
As I stood straight and regained my breath Emi took my hand and we walked together to the nurse for one last check up. When we arrived the nurse looked up cheerfully as we entered the room.
"Emi, Hisao, how was you're run this morning?" Emi was the first to respond with a smile.
"Hisao did great! He even managed to keep up with me for a lap or two!!"
"Oh?" He said with a raised eyebrow. "Any problems, Hisao?" I nodded
"I feel great, I've got Emi to thank for that." I can't help but smile slightly remembering the first jog I took with her.
I pushed so hard and that's why we are where we are today.

If I hadn't tried I never would have gotten closer to her. We never would've been this way. After we both finished our check ups I grabbed her hand.
"Emi, thank you." She seemed surprised but happy at the same time.
"Without you I never would have made it this far. I'd never have learned how to stand up for myself. I love you, Emi."
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
"No. Thank you, Hisao. You never stopped standing beside me. I love you too, Hisao." We once again walked hand in hand but this time towards Emis dorm room.

When we approached the door to her room we stopped and I quickly bent down to give her a small kiss before departing. As I started to say goodbye she took my hand once more. "Hisao, would you like to take a shower with me?(TBC)

PirateCaptainShad0w wrote:Hey I'm new here and am working on a story I guess. Any constructive criticism would be great!!!

WALL OF TEXT

MFW when WoT:

The main problem is that paragraphs help establish flow and break up the text into units of expression. If the whole thing is one run-on paragraph, it's like a breathless exhalation (whatever) which isn't so much a story as an attempt to shotgun the reader into submission. It's a story fragment with little helpful context and hardly any character development. So I constructively suggest that you re-paragraph it and try to add meaningful details: for example, not once do you actually describe how Emi looks...

What Brythain said. I didn't even read it once I saw the format.

brythain wrote:

PirateCaptainShad0w wrote:Hey I'm new here and am working on a story I guess. Any constructive criticism would be great!!!

WALL OF TEXT

MFW when WoT:

The main problem is that paragraphs help establish flow and break up the text into units of expression. If the whole thing is one run-on paragraph, it's like a breathless exhalation (whatever) which isn't so much a story as an attempt to shotgun the reader into submission. It's a story fragment with little helpful context and hardly any character development. So I constructively suggest that you re-paragraph it and try to add meaningful details: for example, not once do you actually describe how Emi looks...

Thanks for that. I've never written anything before so I'm still learning. Thanks!

Yes, please fix the paragraphing. The dialogue isn't bad, depending on where you are heading; it's too soon to tell. The game was a visual novel, so we had pictures to help us tell what was going on. We (mostly) don't have that capability for fanfic - we have to set the scene with words. Please spend some more time doing that. Sometimes, it's not just what things looked like, but also the smells and sounds. If you continue into the graduation ceremony, there will be lots going on. And as Brythain said, we need cues on how people react to what's being said.

It's better than before, but it still reminds me of Minecraft^^°
Here's a link that might help you.