Katawa Shoujo Forums

Hey all, relatively new to the forums but you might have seen me posting around in discussion. First attempt at a fanfic, I have more of a knack for visual art than literature but hopefully it's not too bad!
I foresee myself getting very involved with this, as I've had tons of ideas swimming around in my head. If it seems like something worth building upon, I'd be happy to. This was a lot of fun to do.

I've been worried my portrayal of the characters won't live up to Suriko's, so if there's anything that might be seemingly out of place, let me know; you guys have likely been way more exposed to the characters and more experienced author's portrayal of them, and I'd be happy to learn

Also, I was the only one to proofread, so any grammatical errors pointed out to me are greatly appreciated! (especially with dialogue quotation )
That said, here's a link to the story from Google Docs, as it's pretty wordy. ---> http://tinyurl.com/ogmxjbz

Now brace for wall of text post --

Chapter 1 - Five More Minutes

Hisao P.O.V -

“Hisao…” Lilly manages to choke out between her sobs. I don’t know what to say, what to do...I don’t really even know what’s going on.

“W-why? Why risk your life for me? All I did was lie and hurt you,” I hear her say. This tethers me back to reality, to see the girl of my dreams completely breaking down before me, because of me--and yet she blames herself instead.

“Lilly…” I croak, despite my throat feeling absolutely locked for air. I wrap my free arm around her bare shoulders, pressing her face into my neck as her cries echo throughout the small room. The feeling of her silky hair coupled with her shaking give me a new sense of purpose and protective courage.

“I couldn't let you go. Not after all you've done for me, when I gave you nothing in return. I had to see you again, if not to keep you, then just to say….” I trail off, the rush of conflicting emotions crashing into me like a tidal wave.

“Hisao…?,” she inquires, the sound of my voice apparently calming her down. At least I could manage that much.

“I love you, Lilly. I love you so much, and I’m sorry. Dammit, I’m sorry for everything, for not being there, for letting go--I never asked you what was on your mind, or took your problems into consideration and--”

“Hisao...Stop talking, please.”

The interruption takes me by surprise, but as I feel her lips tighten upward into a smile, I understand her forgiveness without words. I obey, and we simply sit in an embrace so long and so comforting I thought time could have been frozen--and that wouldn't be too bad. For the first time in what feels like forever, we share a silence that isn't tenuous; no more secrets, no more doubts.
She finally breaks the moment by retreating from me, her breathing steadied by now. She still clings to my hand so tightly that it seems like she's afraid I'll disappear if she lets go.
With my free hand, I wipe off a tear from her damp face as she sniffles in a cute, vulnerable sort of way I've never seen before. It’s a little awkward considering the I.V tubes and wires dangling from me, but she helps my gesture by nuzzling her cheek into my palm. I have to say, I don’t like seeing her sad and crying, but it really is a unique feeling having her be open with her emotions like this. From someone so reserved, its a treasure to finally get to see inside her mind for once.

She turns her face up to me, allowing me to get a good look at my girlfriend for the first time since she left for the airport. She’s a wreck; her hair is ruffled and sticking out in different directions, her cloudy eyes are filled with tears, making their azure hue seem all the more like an open sky. Her cheeks and eyes are flushed a deep red in contrast to her porcelain skin, and her hand still shakes slightly. Yet, in a strange way, she looks more beautiful than I’ve ever seen before.

“So how do I know I haven’t just died and gone to heaven?,” I ask, offering a fruitless smile. She does the same, blurting out a small mix between a giggle and a sob before wiping her eyes again.

“Why don’t you take anything seriously?,” she asks me playfully, shutting her eyes and shaking her head with that characteristically faint grin across her lips.

“I just can’t help wanting to see you smile.” It’s incredibly cheesy, but thankfully it seems like exactly what she wants to hear right now. It’s unbelievable--indescribable, even--to have her right now, in this moment, after I was so sure she was gone.

After another peaceful silence of her rubbing her slender fingers over my hand, I ask bluntly, “So...what happened?” It just sort of came out, I didn’t think about whether or not she was ready to talk about it. Still, she seems fine, just a look of concern as she furrows her brow and explains.

Lilly P.O.V

Akira and I were walking toward our gate when I heard a shout. I couldn't make any of it out, but...something was wrong.
Confused as to what the commotion was, I heard multiple cries and the rapid shuffle of footsteps along the carpet. Instinctively, my grip around Akira’s arm tightened. My mind had already been racing from the recent events, this extra stress did little to alleviate me.

“What’s going on?,” I asked my sister, who had stopped to look back at the scene.

“I’m not sure, I think someone might be hurt but I can’t see with all these people in the way. Come on,” she said as she took my arm and began to pace toward the sounds. I could sense the tension in her voice, which caused me to furrow my brow in worrisome thought. Akira’s never been one to stress like this; this worried me even more.

“Hey, hey, move, give ‘em some room!,” Akira called out to the crowd. I felt them part slightly, but none seemed to actually heed her advice as we maneuvered through. It was a disjointing experience, bumping into all those people with my hearing being overcome by the constant talking and shouts for help. Suddenly she stopped. I heard someone, a medical professional, try to clear the crowd.

“Get back, he’s having a heart attack!”

Akira stood firm as I felt the mass of people clear the scene. My own heart was throbbing in my chest as I heard the words, my mind began to race toward all the worst possible scenarios.

“Oh no...Ah, shit,” Akira muttered.

I clenched my free hand into an anxious fist while gripping her sleeve so tightly I might have torn it. Trying to keep my composure, I questioned, “Akira? What is it? It’s not--” was all I managed to say as I felt an invisible hand begin to choke me. It was something I’d never felt before, a pit in my stomach as if a piece of myself were being forcefully removed.

“Hi...Hisa…” I sputtered, the realization dawning on me like a wave of heat.

“Lilly, you need to calm down,” Akira said with a rare sternness in her voice. She grabbed my shoulders and held me tightly. Despite her efforts, I simply couldn’t do it.

“Hisao! No! Let me go!” My mind was blank, yet overloaded. It felt as if I were dropped in a pool of cool, thick liquid, my sense of direction failing as I began to feel dizzy. Quivering, my arms thrashed against Akira as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. Everything I feared was happening right before me, and I was powerless to do anything about it.

“Akira, please…” I begged. I just had to know for myself, I had to feel his face. I felt her loosen up, I bolted toward the scene. I heard the medic call to me, “Ma’am, you need to step back, please.” I disregarded it.

I fell to my knees in front of the body I felt on the floor, tears cascading down my face onto yours. As my fingers traced his cold, sweaty visage, my fears were confirmed. I broke down.

“H-Hisao! Hisao...please, answer me…” I said between frantic sobs. The name felt so alien on my lips at that moment, as if I were unworthy to speak it. I ran my fingers through his hair. It was all my fault, his heart attack, leaving him...our love. I wished he'd never met me, my heart just couldn't bear the responsibility.

Abruptly, I was shoved out of the way. I fell backward, disoriented and still in shock.

“For God’s sake, man, she’s blind. You can’t just push her!,” I heard a foreign voice say in Japanese. I paid it no mind. Everything sounded muffled, like I was in a waking dream.

“Lilly, come on, you need to get up.” Akira helped me to my feet. I buried my head into her as she pat me on the back, trying to comfort me. I managed to hear them charging down the airport, the constant siren of ambulances in the distance. I had so many questions running through my mind at once that I could hardly bear standing--I felt my legs nearly giving out.

A man approached Akira about the situation; what we knew, if we were relatives, what we were doing. I still couldn't think. His voice was grim and serious, trying to extract any information he could. I zoned him out of my mind as I tried to imagine Hisao’s face when I told him I was going. He had such soft features, the memory of the first time I felt him in our tea room etched into my mind. I pictured how it felt to brush my skin against his one last time, knowing I would never do so again. I imagined his scent filling the air around him as he held me close, his comforting grip assuring me that he would never let go.

Instead, I left him, and now he was dead.

“Lilly...hey, Lilly.” Akira got my attention. I turned my face toward hers to show that I was listening.

“They’re gone. Paramedics said they'll have to open his chest up again...I’m sure he’ll be fine. I’m calling mom, telling her what happened. She’ll understand.” Her tone was as gentle and comforting as it could be, which I appreciated coming from Akira. Still, it was futile; I knew exactly what I had done.

I simply nodded. “Okay.”

She put an arm around my shoulders and we walked for a time, my head still in a haze.

“Lilly, listen, none of this is your fault. He’ll be alright, and then you two can talk it out,” Akira told me as I heard her open a car door. I hadn’t realized how far we walked. “Where are we going?”, I asked, my voice quivering with pent up feelings.

“Well, it’s not like we can’t be there for him, right?” I smiled for the first time in a while. Akira’s persistence paid off. She pat me on the back, urging me to get inside.

“Thank you, Akira…”

After Akira let the driver know where we were headed, the ride to the hospital was completely silent. My thoughts never strayed from his health, nor the fact that every question I had was answered in my mind as being my fault. The unfamiliar car of the taxi driver smelled like a cheap air freshener from a convenience store, making me even more dizzy. The sound of the wheels on the road filled the empty silence in the air. Everything felt new, as if I were vicariously living within one’s self--the touch of the leather as it stuck to my clammy skin, my awareness of my heart beating with haste in my chest...

When we finally arrived, I stepped out into the night air; it hung heavily on me, as if I were walking in a jungle. As we entered the hospital, the sounds and smells of the sterile building assaulted me; blips from the monitors, paperwork being shuffled, the smell of ammonia--it all worsened my anxious stomach.

Akira and I were escorted up to the lobby room in Hisao’s wing. We waited for what seemed like years, she said it was light out when she fell asleep in the chair. I never did. My mind was moving far too quickly. Akira called our parents; they talked for at least an hour. She mentioned the situation, which resonated within me: “Hisao, yeah, Lilly’s boyfriend. He had another attack. No, we're just waiting here...yeah. Yeah, of course. Thanks, bye."

Thankfully, they understood. Father seemed more inconvenienced than concerned, but my own thoughts were far too busy to include such a petty matter.

So, I simply…waited.

Hisao P.O.V -
After Lilly finishes her story, she starts to tear up again. I usher her into my arms and stroke her back gently, the smell of her girlish perfume filling my nostrils. Funny, it actually smells a bit like lilies and cherry blossoms.

“I’m sorry… I wasn’t trying to have a heart attack, you know--not for dramatic effect, or anything.” I smile down at the top of her pale blonde head, but she seems content to simply be close to me, words being unnecessary. I can’t say I’m not happy to agree. I hear the familiar grinding of a phone vibrating. When I look over to the night stand at the side of the bed, I notice someone must have put my phone there. My parents, most likely.

I reach over to check it as Lilly retracts herself, sitting up with a curious look about her. The blue light blinking from my old flip shows ‘1 NEW MESSAGE’. Popping it open, I see Akira’s number.

[Yo, sorry I couldn’t stop by, let Lilly know I’m waiting downstairs.]

Scrunching up my face, disappointed, I clap my phone shut and toss it back onto the stand.

“What is it?,” Lilly asks in the same inquisitive manner I’ve come to appreciate from her. Not demanding, but a genuine interest.

"Oh, it was just...Akira wants you to know she’s downstairs waiting.”

She pauses for a moment, pouting her lips slightly, like a small child. I can’t help but think how much we’ve both opened up to each other; how apprehensive and dependent I used to be, and how reserved she once was. It’s a nice feeling.
With her hands clasped together in her lap, she stood up like royalty being dismissed, swiftly adjusting her hair and straightening her clothes before returning her fingers back to their locked position. It’s always been strange how she could manage to look so good without even being able to see herself. The way her hair just naturally waves like fields of grain in the wind, or how she always bears the look of contemplative content, she really is just...peaceful to look at.

In my quiet admiration, I barely realize her unfolding her cane and turning to leave. With her hand hanging midway to the door knob, I blurt out, “Hey, Lilly?”

She pauses, turning back to face me with a waiting smile. “Yes, Hisao?”

I don’t know why I was so nervous to say it, I must have been blushing hard, my face felt hot. As silly as it seems, it’s like we were a new couple. It feels like a feather is tickling the back of my throat, but I manage to ask tentatively, “Five more minutes?” She hadn’t even left and already I was beginning to feel lonely in the hospital. I’ve spent more time in here with myself than I would want to in three lifetimes.

She gives a bit of a stifled laugh, like she was just expecting me to tell her goodbye. Needless to say, her soft smile warms my literally broken heart as she returns to her seat. “Let Akira know I’ll be a little late.” Giving a little fist pump in victory that I realize she can’t see, I reach over and grab the phone again, replying.
[Hey, Akira, doing better. Can I grab 5 more minutes?]

Moments later: [No prob, good song just came on the radio, anyway. You kids have fun~ ]

Grinning like an idiot to her carefree attitude, and realizing that she’s probably ditching some important work calls for this, I close the phone again. Looking over to Lilly, I take her hand in mine, tracing over her soft, manicured fingers. I give a restful sigh of tranquility as I lean my head back against the bedpost.

“It’d be really nice to be outside right now. Catch a breeze, feel the sun, you know?,” I speak my thoughts out loud. It really was just the first thing that came to my mind when I looked up at the depressingly plain ceiling; it was even worse than my room in Yamaku.

Maybe not as bad as Hanako’s.

She smiles and tilts her head, eyes shut. “Well, then, when you get out of here, you’ll have to take me out to some place nice like that. After that last date, somewhere dry sounds rather nice,” she teases, to which I facepalm my embarrassment.

“Alright, I had good intentions! It’s not like I’m a meteorologist or anything,” I cry out in an attempt to hastily defend my poor luck that night. She giggles softly, the way she used to. It really helps me feel as if things are going to be fine after all--like all the previous events can just be undone. Neither of us seem to acknowledge what actually happened at the Shanghai, for better or worse.

“Not to mention that first date, I mean, how do I compete with that?!”

Squeezing my hand, she ‘looks’ at me with an empty gaze showing her fondness for the memory. “It was fantastic, wasn’t it?”

With that, we sit in silence for a few moments before she gets up to leave. I can’t believe how good her sense of time is, all things considering. It’s been almost exactly five minutes.

Again she takes her cane out, adjusting herself accordingly, before navigating toward the door. She pops it open, taking one step outside. One last time, I call out to her. “Hey, Lilly...everything I said, that day in Hokkaido? I meant it. All of it.”
She smiles faintly, nodding once.

“I know, Hisao. I love you.”

With that, she shuts the door behind her, leaving me with myself and a warm feeling in my chest. I feel uplifted, the aftermath of all the emotions I’d pent up being released. I feel like I could get up and jump around for a bit, but I’m soon reminded of the fact that I look like I’m on my deathbed; which, for once, doesn’t immediately send me into a fit of depression. I doubt anything could ruin my mood right now.

Just maybe, our little fairy tale can work out after all.


[End Chapter 1]

So there you have it, my crack at some good old mushy writing. I'm actually working on some visualizations, which is more of my element.
Anyway, hope you guys like it. Cheers!

I'm impressed, if that's your first attempt at writing fan fiction . I like what you've got going.
Few complaints here:

Taotao wrote:two kids sharing their love

This seems to go against what Lilly's route was about, IMO. Remember, Hisao states in his internal monologue that they were two kids playing at being adults. The scene that happens immediately before this story is when they both stop being kids and mature - Lilly learns to open up, Hisao learns to stop being dependent on Lilly.
Just a thought, don't take it too seriously.

Taotao wrote:As my fingers traced your cold, sweaty visage... I ran my fingers through his hair

You have Lilly refer to Hisao in second person in her internal monologue, then have her refer to him in third person. Is this scene supposed to be her telling Hisao about the incident, or her direct recollection to the reader?

Besides those, nice work!
*tips hat* Please continue

Alpacalypse wrote:

Taotao wrote:two kids sharing their love

This seems to go against what Lilly's route was about, IMO. Remember, Hisao states in his internal monologue that they were two kids playing at being adults. The scene that happens immediately before this story is when they both stop being kids and mature - Lilly learns to open up, Hisao learns to stop being dependent on Lilly.
Just a thought, don't take it too seriously.

No, no, I appreciate the input! I see your point, and after looking it over, I think i might have gone a bit overboard on the cutesy teen romance stuff x3

You have Lilly refer to Hisao in second person in her internal monologue, then have her refer to him in third person. Is this scene supposed to be her telling Hisao about the incident, or her direct recollection to the reader?

I originally wrote the story as Lilly talking to Hisao actively, but I felt it would seem a little awkward with not much room for personalization from her, so I had to go back and edit out all instances of second perrson; I was worried i missed a few. I also had to rewrite it from past tense to present tense for consistency with the VN writing style, so if there are any other similar instances let me know <3

I appreciate the time taken to go over this though! Gotta say I was a little nervous to expose my work like this :p

Taotao wrote: Gotta say I was a little nervous to expose my work like this :p

Story of my sodding life
But nah, the rest seems fine to me. Granted, I don't generally make it my job to correct typos, but whatever.
Since you were worrying that your portrayal of the characters, I'd say that it was unnecessary to worry, you did a pretty fine job, especially with your portrayal of Lilly-route Hisao's internal monologue. It fit the style of the VN's writing perfectly, IMO at any rate.
And I'm ok with cutesy romance, just that one line bugged me :3

Taotao wrote:

Alpacalypse wrote:

Taotao wrote:two kids sharing their love

This seems to go against what Lilly's route was about, IMO. Remember, Hisao states in his internal monologue that they were two kids playing at being adults. The scene that happens immediately before this story is when they both stop being kids and mature - Lilly learns to open up, Hisao learns to stop being dependent on Lilly.
Just a thought, don't take it too seriously.

No, no, I appreciate the input! I see your point, and after looking it over, I think i might have gone a bit overboard on the cutesy teen romance stuff x3

A easy change for that bit -- if you feel it's something worth changing -- is to have it to read "...two people sharing their love..."

Anyway, "cutesy teen romance" stuff makes for nice reading, IMHO. (Of course, I'm a bit biased toward the Lilly Good End, so there's that. )

Okay, technical side:

“What’s going on?,” I asked my sister…

You don't use a comma in addition to the question mark.

I can’t believe how good her sense of time is, all things considering.

"considered"

Third chapter has a few instances of past tense strewn in.

I also had to rewrite it from past tense to present tense for consistency with the VN writing style, so if there are any other similar instances let me know <3

Just letting you know that Lilly's part is still completely past tense - which is not really a problem, though, since it's consistent.
Overall technical side is good.

Continuity:

“They’re gone. Hisao is going to have another surgery, but this one was a lot less intense than his first...

Neither Akira nor the on site medic have any chance of knowing the severity of Hisao's first attack - nor would the medic hazard a guess at this point if he did.

Akira’s car smelled like a cheap air freshener from a convenience store, making me even more dizzy.

Akira was in the process of leaving the country. She sold her car beforehand.

…tracing over her soft, manicured fingers

I'm no expert, but would Yamaku offer something like that?

Content:
Okay, the first few paragraphs were really painful (to me - I'm not a fan of sappy scenes like this one, and all that "It's all my fault" - "No, it's all my fault" didn't really fit either of them).
That improved a bit in the second chapter (still a bit cheesy but a lot more tolerable) and by the third chapter I was glad I didn't stop reading.
Since I have high hopes that most of the sappiness is behind them now, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Did some revision, mostly on the things from Mirage. Thanks for the pointers! I've been working on a second part in my study halls (senior year blow-off, yey.

I'll get a friend to read it this time, hopefully post it with some more polish. Thanks again for reading, guys. <3

So far, I'm enjoying it. I like the switching of P.O.V.s you seem to be one of the few people who can pull it off.Lucky bugger, wish I could master Lilly's mind. Mostly personal preference here, but when writing a text conversation i would suggest putting it in [], just because I find it looks better and makes it flow easier. When you use quotes, I feel like its just another phone conversation, or table chat. Other than that, good work! Looking forward to seeing more.

I agree with what people have said so far. First part didn't really grab me, second part was a little better, and the third part was very fun to read. Can't really say anything someone else hasn't already said(what I get for arriving late I guess), but solid start overall. Looking forward to more.

Just finished and can't really add anything of value, except keep it up and looking forward to the next part.