The Last Article
Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:45 am
Romance between two awesome characters, Natsume and Naomi. I actually did not intend for this to be a romance at first... but I just couldn't resist when I thought of some cute moments. And some not so cute moments too. I really enjoyed writing those moments but there are some moments I feel... less confident about. I would hope that you feel differently, but I fully expect and appreciate criticism.
In addition, my plan is to eventually expand this into a chaptered story rather than a one-shot. Will it actually happen? I sincerely doubt it but this was just so much fun to write and writing more about this would be like a dream come true.
*
The last week, the last newspaper we would be publishing at Yamaku. Naomi is acting even more insane than usual, alternating erratically between pacing around the room and jumping around. I merely watch her with a smile. I had always enjoyed observing Naomi’s crazy antics; I really wouldn’t have hung out with her for all these years otherwise if I didn’t, now would I?
“Natsume! Aren’t you worried as hell? We need some special stuff for the last paper of the school year but we have NOTHING! Come on, we need something, at least!” Naomi nearly shouts. “It’s our duty as members of the newspaper club!”
“Relax, Naomi,” I try to reassure Naomi. “We’ll pull through. We always do.”
Most of our staff had jumped ship at this point, unwilling to put any more time so close to the end of the year into something they didn’t think would be appreciated by the target audience. Maybe that’s true; high school students tend to care very little about matters they perceive as fleeting such as their school newspaper. In fact, I’m sure most just take the monthly paper out of common courtesy and then throw into the trash as soon as they are able to. It’s understandable that some members of our club might feel unhappy about all their hard work not being appreciated at all, but the ones who are truly passionate about the work they do like me don’t care. Even if no one even looks at our work, we’re still proud of the journey, all the obstacles we overcame to reach our destination. Getting appreciated for our work is certainly gratifying but it’s far from a requirement.
Naomi’s different though. She cares about the legacy she imparts, how people perceive her and her work. The journey’s irrelevant if nobody but her cares. She lives in the moment just like I’ve learned to but the thought of what people will think of her work always looms over her like a black shadow. It’s not an invalid viewpoint by any means, but it certainly differs from mine. With a chuckle, I realize that essentially described our entire relationship. I’m the cool one, she’s the energetic one. I’m the reserved one, her emotions are always on display for all to see. I’m the calm one, she’s the panicky one. It’s just the kind of relationship we share… and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“What are you laughing about, Natsume? What can you be laughing about with all of the stuff we’ve got to think about here?” Naomi says in a distressed tone. “We have to work, not think! We have so little time left but so much work left!”
I smile at my friend, “I was just thinking of how different we are, personality-wise at least… and how much I cherish our relationship despite our many differences.”
My words calm Naomi, “Right, at this time, nostalgic students usually take the opportunity to think back on their past and all the awesome relationships they had or have... Hey, let’s do that now!”
I smirk, “I thought you were just yelling about how we had to work, not think!”
Naomi pouts cutely, “No need to be like that, Natsume. I think reminiscing will be a good source of ideas for our important last article. So let’s have some silent time to reminisce, Natsume!”
I oblige to Naomi’s request and fondly begin to recall the massive effect Naomi had on my life...
Back when I first arrived at Yamaku, I was much more withdrawn, putting my work and studies above all else. Friendships, romances, family relations… those were all unimportant. I certainly still enjoyed interacting pleasantly with other people but I just threw it to the side for a long time in favor of my studies. My parents actively supported this lifestyle; we all knew the stigma in this glorious country against disabled people and, thus, I had to work even harder than most kids in order to fulfill my dreams. Well, to be honest, I didn’t really have a tangible dream to drive me forward, just the general goal of getting into a great college and having a good life. Tangible goals weren’t really matters I worried about back then.
And then Naomi came along to completely change my view of the world.
*
"Suzu Suzuki. All you need to know about me; lesbian, narcoleptic, don't inflame my emotions. Happy to be here."
As Suzu trudged to an empty seat, snickers rose amongst the members of Class 1-3. The boy sitting in front of me, Takashi Maeda, whispered to his friend sitting to the right of him, Akio Hayashi, and they shared a laugh.
Ms. Akiyama, our homeroom teacher, glared at Suzu angrily as she shut the door. She made the customary greetings that a teacher is always supposed to make at the beginning of the year before beginning a long-winded speech. The second the speech began, the door opened with a loud bang and the girl with bleached hair entered, beaming broadly.
“Hey, classmates! I’m Naomi Inoue! We’re going to be in this homeroom together for a year, so let’s make the most of it!” Naomi shouted as she entered our homeroom class, cutting off our teacher’s speech in the process. Ms. Akiyama looked at her disapprovingly, but she didn’t let even our teacher’s notoriously evil glare stop her from bouncing around jovially. Naomi scanned the room, looking for a good, empty seat until she found the seat directly to the right of mine and dropped down into it. I smiled subtly. She seemed like an entertaining person to have to sit next to for the entire year.
“What’s your name?” Naomi asked me. With a sigh intended to be quite audible, I turned my head to her and quietly responded with “Natsume Ooe.”
“Oh, that’s a neat name!” Naomi whispered, taking this opportunity to closely analyze my entire body. “You know, Natsume, did anyone tell you before that those eyes of yours are absolutely stunning? Your entire self too, of course. ”
I blinked, surprised that a stranger, of all people, would compliment my differently colored eyes. It seemed my decision to take out my contacts for today was a good idea after all. My parents had always taught me to try to hide my heterochromia and arthritis the best I could, fearful of their child being any different from the perceived norm; their actions had instilled the belief in me that my differences were something to be hated. And yet here she was, one person who told me my eyes were... beautiful.
“Why… thank you, Naomi. You’re quite beautiful yourself,” I said. I was unsure how to reply to such a comment but returning the compliment appeared to be the best course of action.
“D'awww, thanks!” Naomi responded. “You’re probably lying just to make me feel better ‘bout myself but I’m not one to complain about a compliment!”
I took this opportunity to analyze her myself and I decided right there that she… certainly was beautiful no matter what she said. With a rare smile, I sincerely whispered, “No lies. You really are beautiful, Naomi; don’t try to downplay it.”
Naomi blushed and opened her mouth to speak. However, before she had the chance to, Takashi Maeda groaned loudly.
“I love girl-on-girl as much as the next guy, girls, but could you please save that sappy stuff for some other time? I can’t listen to Akiyama droning on with all this flirting,” Takashi said, clearly very annoyed. Both of us immediately squealed in surprise in response to his interpretations of our interactions and took to denying.
“Boy, I don’t know your name, but you are very wrong! I just met Natsume a minute ago so I’m not flirting with her in any way!” Naomi said furiously.
“You know what they say about love at first sight,” Akio Hayashi said with a conspiratorial wink.
“That’s not the kinda person I am! If I got the chance to know her, I could probably grow to love Natsume but not now!” Naomi spoke, crossing her arms angrily.
“Um, that’s not really helping our case, Naomi…” I grumbled. My parents had always taught me to downplay my pain, hide my bad eyesight, hide my eyes themselves with special contacts for any kind of difference would lead to ostracization and scornful treatment. But, mere minutes into the first day of high school, people were already beginning to label me… homosexual and thus would treat me with scorn for being… different.
“Hey, don’t get me wrong, there’s no need to hide it,” Takashi hurriedly clarified. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay but... I would still appreciate it if you would save that for later so I can hear Akiyama.”
“Yeah, I second that,” Akio said.
I stared at them blankly before realizing that teens who were suffering from disabilities as well would probably have experience themselves with being labeled different. To me, it did indeed sense that they would sympathize. It made me feel better about my own vast differences back then when I still cared about them so much; however, I still had to clarify something.
“That’s a touching sentiment, but the fact is… I’m not a lesbian. You boys are just imagining this conversation is romantic due to the effects of male hormones on your brains,” Takashi and Akio both grinned at me mischieviously, clearly not believing a word I had just said.
“Well, you fooled me,” said Akio.
“If you say so…” Takashi said.
“Damn, what a disappointment,” Naomi said before bursting into laughter. And then we all burst into laughter. It felt amazing to laugh, laughing only one activity out of many I hadn’t done in a long time.
*
Over the course of a single week, Naomi and I had become excellent friends. I had never thought before then that meaningful relationships could be formed within such a short period of time but the time I spent with Naomi proved me wrong. I felt we had bonded more in that single week more than I had with any of the colleagues I had known for my entire life.
We were all packing our bags at the end of the school day, Naomi turned toward me with a huge smile on her face, “Hey, Natsume, wanna go over to the Shanghai now that the school week’s over? They have some great food at that cafe so, if you’d like, we can go eat some great food and tea and chat!”
“She’s definitely asking you out on a date,” Takashi whispered conspiratorially to me just loudly enough for Naomi to hear as well. Predictably, she pouted as soon as she heard Takashi’s words.
“Nah, this is just a friendly gesture. But, perhaps, with time we can become… more than friends?” Naomi managed to look at me with a mock seductive expression for a second before bursting into laughter once again.
Smiling, I responded, “You know, it really doesn’t help your case when you claim you’re not asking me out then immediately flirt with me.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot. But, anyways, let’s return to the main topic here! So, do you wanna go with me?”
I considered her proposal for a moment before responding, “I apologize, but I must get some studying in after school today.”
Takashi shook his head disapprovingly as he left the classroom while Naomi stared at me confusedly, “It’s the first week of school. We barely have any work.”
“That just gives me a better opportunity to study material that will become important in the future.”
A determined expression entered her face, “Natsume Ooe! That’s not how you should live your life! Life is all about cultivating relationships with people, having fun with others, creating friendships that will last a lifetime!”
“Well, I’m sorry to say that’s where your opinion and mine differ,” I said as I stood up from my seat.
“Come on, just this once, Natsume… for me…?” Naomi put on the most adorable puppy-dog eyes I had ever seen though, to be fair, I had never really seen any of those in real life before. I tried to resist, I did, but I reluctantly found I was unable to.
“Okay, fine, fine… just this once. Lead the way, if you would, Naomi.”
*
We arrived at the Shanghai a short while after that little persuasive talk, Naomi guiding me there. She had lived in this area her entire life so, naturally, she knew much more about it than I did. She excitedly opened the door to the Shanghai and held it open to allow me to walk through. The small bells mounted above the door chimed softly as it opened, catching a waitress’ attention. She greeted us with an affable smile and led us to our seats. As I looked around the cafe, I noticed there was literally no one else in the entire cafe except us and the staff. The design of the place was quite attractive and the sweet scent of food that permeated the air made my mouth water but, nevertheless, the complete lack of people did give me some doubt as to how good this cafe really was.
Apparently, my doubt could be easily seen as Naomi commented, “Yeah, you might be doubting me a bit since there’s no one here. Don’t let that fool you though! The food here actually really is great. Give it a chance before you toss it aside.”
“Alright, alright, if you insist. Anyways… where’s the menu?” I asked, looking at the usual place where a menu would be located in a café and finding nothing.
“No menus here! You have to ask the waitress or waiter for some recommendations… or you can just ask me, if you wanna.”
“Alright, sure. So, what should I order?”
“Hmm… I think the Shanghai has some great parfaits. You should try it out!”
“Oh, yes, a parfait. I’ve read about those before and I’ve always been highly interested in trying one myself.”
Naomi nodded, obviously quite happy I followed her recommendation, then proceeded to call the waitress over. She ordered a parfait for herself and I and then we waited for our food to arrive.
“So, how do you like Yamaku and the general area so far, Natsume?” Naomi asked. It was obvious to me that she wasn’t just trying to make random small talk; I could easily see that the curious expression on her face was genuine.
“Based on my first week, at least, I really love Yamaku. The students are kind, the teachers are helpful, the general atmosphere is peaceful…” An environment of acceptance. I’m beyond happy that I can finally let my differences show instead of trying to hide them from the world.
“How about you, Naomi?”
“I’ve always put Yamaku on some kind of pedestal since I’ve been living near it my entire life. Sounded like a wonderful place even back when I was a child.” Naomi laughed a bit. “Yeaaaah, I may be acting pretty biased right now, but I haven’t seen anything at Yamaku yet that has given me any sorta reason to change my mind. In fact, my first week there made me love the school even more… and, hell, I’m just gonna go out and say this, I think meeting you has made my first week even better.
“I was worried I wouldn’t know anyone when I went to Yamaku; my old friends aren’t disabled like us, ya know. I don’t much like being in an unknown place without even one person I know. I worried… but I worried too much.”
“I would usually reply with a sarcastic inquiry of some sort but, if I were to be completely honest… I would have to say the same. ”
We smiled brightly at each other in silence. An ephemeral instant. The first of many that taught me… maybe it’s better to live in the moment, cherish what you have now instead of worrying about the future all the time. This little transient but blissful event would have no real effect on my future but that did not matter. What did matter was that I was bonding quickly with someone I’d consider a friend, cultivating relationships, creating friendships that would last a lifetime.
“Here’s your food, madams,” the waitress came to our table holding two parfaits with spoons lodged inside them. “Please enjoy!”
I grabbed my parfait, ignoring the slight joint pain that accompanied it, and grabbed the spoon delicately in order to avoid further inflaming my aching hands. However, the sensation in the joints just would not go away; indeed, it was worsening by the second. I tried to hide a grimace but, despite my efforts, it evidently showed as Naomi looked at me with concern etched onto her face.
“Natsume… are you alright?” Naomi questioned frantically, her concerned tone sounding very different from the excited, happy tone I was more accustomed to.
“Just… a bout of rheumatoid arthritis. Nothing to worry about,” I replied, trying to hide my pain even as it continued to worsen. They do say old habits die hard.
My grip on the spoon loosened and it fell onto the table with a clatter. Good thing it's clean, I'd be wasting my money if my spoon got sullied and I couldn't use it anymore... oh God... think of anything, everything to get my mind off the searing pain... off... the... pain... Naomi Inoue... I do cherish this time...
"Natsume!" Naomi's face grew even more concerned as she saw my pained expression become worse with each passing moment. "Natsume! What can I do to help?"
"Sorry... to worry... you like this... but there's nothing... you can do. You... and I... just have to... wait for the... bout to end..."
Naomi was at a loss for words and just stared at me in desperation, wanting to help but unable to do anything to. That was always a quality of hers that I loved, her desire to help others, desire to do anything, no matter how small, to assist someone in a time of need, especially those she loved. This quality of hers became apparent to me at this very moment. Even though she could not do anything to lessen the pain, what she could do was make it bearable.
A determined expression replaced Naomi’s concerned one as she picked up my spoon. I looked at her bemusedly when she quickly slammed it into my parfait, scooped up as much of the dessert as she could in one go, then positioned the spoon precariously by my mouth.
"Say ‘ahhhh’, Natsume!" Naomi said.
"Are... you really trying... to feed me?" I asked incredulously. Naomi nodded firmly.
"What, got a problem with it?" I shook my head in response. "Good, now, open that pretty little mouth of yours!"
Seeing nothing wrong with Naomi’s demand, I acquiesced with a shrug. She maneuvered the spoon into my mouth with a level of care and precision I had never seen from her for the entirety of the week I had known her, making sure none of the parfait would spill from the spoon onto my clothes or face. I closed my mouth and consumed the parfait with a delighted moan. Just as delicious as it had sounded.
"Eat up, Natsume!" Naomi said enthusiastically. "Want some more?”
I have to say, getting fed by Naomi was... even better than I had originally thought.
“Definitely,” I said with a broad smile. She reciprocated this with a radiant grin of her own as she continued to feed me.
"You don't have to hide your pain from me. I'll be there for you whenever you need help. Heh... even if it's something pretty stupid like feeding you a parfait."
Her smile became slightly more melancholy as she said, "I think not that many people have helped you before. Believe me, I know the feeling. When you’re in a state of horrible agony but no one cares enough to help you. I do care... about you, Natsume. I admit I'm not all that familiar with rheumatoid arthritis, but I'll make it my number one priority from now on to learn about it. I'll look up all the ways to help you deal with a bout. I'll do anything I can. I just want you to know... that you don't have to deal with your own state of horrible agony all alone."
Happy tears... streamed down my face then as I replied, "T-thanks, Naomi... t-this... it... really means a lot to me."
"It's no problem at all, Natsume."
I still let her feed me long after my joint pain subsided.
*
Lying on the bed of my dorm room at night time, I wondered if that was what some would call a date. If I actually had romantic feelings for… another girl. I didn't really know much about romance. No one had been able to catch my eye. This hadn't been a matter I had worried about before but now...
I looked around my sparsely decorated room to try to make my mind off this matter. I was never a proponent for throwing a variety of unnecessary items in to spruce up my room, but I did intend to decorate it a bit more when I was able to. Perhaps I would hang up some naughty posters of Naomi -
I shut my eyes with a groan and tried to sleep, but the rather inappropriate fantasies of the person I would consider my best friend persisted despite my efforts to make it all stop.
*
"Hey, Natsume, we bonded a lot yesterday, you know!" Naomi veritably shouted as I walked into the classroom. Takashi winked at me.
"So, how about we start dating?"
I froze in surprise at Naomi's bluntness. Takashi's eyes widened in surprise at Naomi's bluntness.
"Holy freaking shit! I was just joking! Jeez, two lesbians in the same class as me WHO ARE DATING? This is a dream come true!" Takashi blurted out.
Misha looked at Naomi and Takashi with an obviously fake look of disapproval. She still had her natural brown hair back then and didn't yet possess her trademark drills; everyone changes, don't they?
"Even though I - Shizune is unable to hear you, it is obvious you are causing a ruckus! ~ So, even if the beginning of a relationship is a momentous occasion, and congrats to our new couple ~, she implores you to quiet down before Akiyama arrives! ~" Misha shouted, ironically only adding to the commotion.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can say what you want but you have no authority over us, Ms. President," Akio dismissed. As soon as Misha translated for Shizune, she glared at him angrily.
Naomi giggled before asking again, "Okay, we got kinda sidetracked here but what about it?"
I had no idea what to say. I really did love Naomi but that's a shameful thing to admit in Japanese society. I really did hate being labeled as different and being shamed for it. At Yamaku, I was fine with revealing my arthritis and heterochromia. Everyone was broken in their own special way here but even so... surely not everyone here was gay. I couldn't deal with knowing I was different.
"Sorry, Naomi... but I must decline."
The rather chipper mood in the room quickly changed for the worse. Misha's upbeat smile turned into a downcast frown. Miki's too. Takashi and Akio, who had been staring intently from the start, turned away awkwardly. Suzu, who had just before been beaming, an unusual expression for her, went to sleep in such an overdramatic, Hollywood-esque way that it seemed obvious to me then that she had faked it. Hanako hid her face behind her book even more. I even noticed that Ice Queen Shizune looked a bit sad for once.
And, of course, there was Naomi. She appeared ready to cry as she asked me.
"But... why?"
I felt extraordinarily guilty for thrusting Naomi into this state, but it was what I felt I had to do.
"You're a wonderful person but I'm not gay. I'm sorry," I muttered quietly. Naomi looked utterly baffled but it quickly morphed into an expression of complete fury.
Naomi glared at me with such hatred that I jumped a step back, "Don't try to hide your sexuality! I know you think your differences are something to be ashamed of but they aren't! You need to cherish them like the wonders they are! I know you're kinda socially awkward but I thought we really had something!"
I'm kinda socially awkward... Don't hide my sexuality... based on my nature, these were rather logical conclusions to come to, but the Natsume of this argument was not thinking logically. She was angered by Naomi's assumptions.
Suddenly overcome by anger, I moved forward as I exclaimed, "You've only known me for a week! Hell, even less! You don't know a goddamn thing about me, Inoue! You just think 'oh, here's this perfect, sexy lady that I really wanna bang' and you mold me into something I'm not! You just imagine that I like you and I'm a lesbian to make yourself feel better! I'm not socially awkward by any definition! Don't assume you know the entire histories and personalities of people you just DON'T KNOW!"
A hurt expression replaced Naomi's angry one, "So, you don't love me? You don't even know me? I... don't even know you?"
"Though this may seem harsh, that's the truth of it."
"So what about the time we spent together at the Shanghai? I fed you when you were in pain. I told you I would always care for you, do anything I could for you. I could see your happy expression then, you didn't even try to hide it like you usually do. So we don't know each other at all?"
I grit my teeth then. I knew that if I did this, I would destroy my only meaningful relationship. I knew it truly was a wonder I cherished, the only wonder I cherished. I knew all this and continued anyway.
Looking down at the floor, I said, "I just needed some temporary comfort and you provided it. Nothing more than that."
Naomi crumpled to the floor. She looked up at me. Sad tears... streamed down her face then as she replied, "I really wanted this to work. I really... really fucking needed this to work! But things... they just don't work out the way you want them to. Especially for a worthless crippled seizure girl like me."
She cried on the floor for a long time. The whole room was in a state of utter silence until one person stood up. Miki.Miki was the one that had the courage to lead Naomi back to her room. I should have been the one.
"M-Miki, you're d-definitely p-pretty hot y-yourself. H-how about s-some relaxation time in m-my room?" Naomi said, trying to inject her typical carefree tone back into her voice but failing miserably.
Miki chuckled sadly, "I'll have ta know ya for a bit longer before I start doing that kinda stuff with ya."
They walked out. I slowly walked back to my seat, trying to ignore all the stares and glares directed at me. What a mess I made of things.
I put my head down on my desk, holding back tears of my own. What a mess I made of things.
What a mess I made of things.
"Rise and shine, Natcchan! ~" Misha's bright voice unexpectedly rang out in the silent room. With a jump, I realized Misha was standing right next to me with a huge grin on her face.
"I saw all of your interactions with Natcchan before... uh... this one! They were cute and definitely romantic! ~" Misha adopted a serious expression. "You have a wonderful relationship, I can tell... ~"
"There's no need to hide your true self! Natcchan, I came to Yamaku to learn how to teach sign language! I don't have a disability of any kind! So, when I made up my mind to attend Yamaku, I was seriously considering pretending I had a disability just so I wouldn't feel out of place here! But, I realized that's not how you should live life, pretending to be something you aren't just so you won't be different! You can't live like that, Natcchan! ~"
Misha's happy facade cracked a bit as she continued, "I can relate to your sexuality worries myself, Natcchan. I'm a lesbian myself and my parents did anything they could to change that. They sent me to therapy, special schools, always told that being homosexual was a terrible sin. For a time, it "worked" but I eventually came to realize nothing's wrong with being gay and forced my parents to stop with their programs. I suffered through a lot to stay true to myself even after everything I went through. I don't want to see you lose yourself like I did back then and lose someone close to you in the process. ~"
As my mind tried to process all this information, Suzu spoke up, "As I said on the first day, I'm a lesbian too and proud of it. Just because you are doesn't mean you have to think of yourself as different in a bad way and shameful. Yes, you are different, but it's not a bad thing at all. There are others who would be more than willing to help you deal with your concerns."
"Okay, okay, I tried to stay quiet, but... FOUR LESBIANS IN THE SAME CLASS? THIS IS DOUBLE THE DREAM COME TRUE! And, frankly, quite unrealistic but screw that," Takashi shouted, clearly on the verge of drooling.
"Dude, shut the hell up! This is not the time!" Akio yelled viciously.
"Okay, sorry, sorry... please continue."
I was actually quite grateful for Takashi's interruption. It gave me more time to think of a response to Misha and Suzu's words. Even with that extra time, I could still barely speak.
"I... I just can't accept being considered different. I loved Yamaku because it was a place I could freely let my disabilities show but... look at that... now I'm just different again."
Suzu's voice rose as she continued, "You just want to be a normal, straight girl, don't you? Well, it's just not gonna happen. You’re not normal. It is true that it was pretty unfair of Naomi to try to force you to accommodate to her idealized version of you and force you to accept your sexuality in a second. But, you have to accept your sexuality someday and sooner's better than later for both you and Naomi."
Yes, Suzu's words did make sense. They did. But, what was I to do? It went against everything I was taught since I was born. I didn't think then I could get over my fears in an instant just for someone’s love.
While I was contemplating, Suzu suddenly fell to the floor. I looked at her in shock. Her eyes were wide open and she had a completely terrified expression. She was completely immobile, with not even a muscle moving. I know now that this was a cataplectic attack, mainly a side effect of narcolepsy. It is often triggered by strong emotions and it leaves the victim unable to move even a single muscle while still remaining fully conscious. Heck, I had actually known this information for a long time but it was all forgotten in that moment. Actually experiencing something is different than reading about it...
Suzu rose with a groan a few seconds later, “Ah God! Not another one...”
She looked completely furious when she turned on me, “This whole matter is infuriating me and that’s... not… good! You better heed my advice after this, Natsume!"
Suzu breathed deeply a few times to calm herself. Back to her typical serene state once more, she continued, "I really do care about your relationship with Naomi. I do. I want you to salvage it from the screw-up here and to do that... you have to take my words to heart.”
“And my words too, Natcchan! ~” Misha butted in.
“Yeah, Misha’s words too.”
I did want to save my relationship with Naomi. But, my desire to epitomize the archetype of a normal Japanese schoolgirl overpowered even that.
“What if… I don’t want to salvage it…?” I said, looking down at the floor guiltily. I couldn't believe I had just said something so horrible, so... selfish. Suzu looked at me coldly.
“Well, I guess you can find solace in knowing that you lost your dearest friend who could have easily become something more due to your own actions and nothing else.”
“Hey, now, Succhan, don’t be so harsh! ~ A delicate situation like this requires the delicate Misha touch! Wahaha! ~" Misha looked at me sternly. “Now! This isn’t the right way to go about things, Natcchan! Relationships are the lifeforce of uh… life! ~ And you need some positive relationships in your life to live a happy life! This is a really positive relationship! Really positive! ~ And you can’t give up on it! You have to always fight to maintain your friendships no matter what happens! Even if two close friends get into a heated argument like you… well… just did, they should NOT give up on each other! They've gotta stick by each other through everything!”
That was not how I had viewed a friendship. To me, a friendship was made merely for practical purposes such as assistance in a school matter. That... had changed when I met Naomi. For the first time, I formed a friendship due to genuine friendliness rather than any "practical purpose." Naomi's friendship made me realize that the actual "friend" part of friendship was reason enough to form a friendship.
And that moment was when I realized this relationship was not something I could just cast aside so carelessly. I cursed myself for putting our relationship in such a precarious state.
"You're right. I'm an idiot," I said, shame overcoming me.
"Aaand?" Suzu said with a devious smile.
"And?"
"Don't act dumb, you know what I'm talking about. Shout it for the whole world to hear."
With a resigned sigh, I proclaimed to 1-3, "I'm a lesbian! Okay, are you happy now?"
Misha and Suzu both broadly beamed in response.
"Yay, Natcchan! Wahaha, glad it worked out! ~ Run right in and proclaim your love! That plan of attack always works out! ~"
Suzu was more cautiously optimistic than Misha, "I feel confident that you can mend your relationship with time... but you need to give it time. You can't barge into Naomi's room and expect your bond to be fixed just like that. Think before you act or you're just going to make things worse."
"Eh, I guess Succhan's right. Don't wait too long though or you'll lose your opportunity! ~"
I nodded. I knew that I would have waited for a long time anyway. Courage was never my strong suit.
*
It was a difficult time for me. Whenever Naomi entered my vicinty, she made sure to glare at me with hatred in her eyes. That, of course, was when she was not avoiding me.
Countless days passed. My desire to resume my relationship with Naomi consumed my life. It was all I ever thought about... and yet I could never find the words. The right words.
One day, however, Naomi was noticeably absent. She had seemed absent to the homeroom ever since our argument, in an uncharacteristic quiet, sullen state, but now she really was. I shrugged it off as a cold or whatnot until Ms. Akiyama entered, tears visible on her face. That was when I feared the worst.
"Ms. Inoue has suffered an extremely severe seizure and has been hospitalized. She is in stable condition... but the seizure was nearly fatal. I hate to use such a tragedy to preach, but let this be a warning to you. The nursing staff says Ms. Inoue deprived herself of sleep and was highly stressed, both factors that contributed to the severity of her seizure. Watch your health, confide in Yamaku's talented nursing staff and..."
Stress. Sleep deprivation. It was all my fault. How could I ever forgive myself if Naomi died because of me? And even though she would apparently be fine in the end... I put her through so much pain! I wasn't worthy of that angel. I never would be.
I started bawling uncontrollably, eliciting looks of pity from the homeroom. I needed Naomi. There was no one else who I would want to share my whole life with but her. I needed to fix this. I didn't know how but I needed to. I needed to.
*
I never liked hospitals. Who does? Melancholy atmosphere, too clean for its own good, et cetera. I could go on and on about trite descriptions of the hospital ambience but that was of little concern to me then. I blocked it all out, all the pain and all the sorrow of the others... to focus exclusively on my own.
I asked a nurse which room Ms. Inoue was residing in. With a practiced smile, she led me to her room. I had been lucky enough to arrive during visitor hours.
When we entered the room, Naomi was laying in bed, staring absentmindedly at the ceiling. Hearing our footsteps, she turned quizzically to the source. I could see barely concealed pain in her expression as her head turned in my direction. The nurse politely left us to our own devices, leaving Naomi and me all alone.
"Ms. Ooe. Greetings," Naomi said, her usual energy completely lost.
"Ms. Inoue."
Even when we had first met, we had never been so cold and formal to each other. Naomi was never one for formalities. It certainly told me that Naomi was planning to keep me at a respectable distance. An understandable response. But I could not stand for it.
"Naomi," I said as I sat down in a chair opposite Naomi's bed, "I'm sorry."
With a deep sigh, Naomi replied, "I'm sorry too. You were right when you said I was asking out my idealized version of you, not the real you. I thought of you as the perfect girl, but I'm afraid... I was wrong."
The words stung but I knew I deserved them, "I can accept that I'm not perfect. I'm as far from perfect as a person can get. I don't know how I can ever make it up to you... I probably never will."
What did I think I would accomplish here? The suffering I inflicted on Naomi was too great to just sweep under the rug and I would not want to in any case. I had to get out of there.
I stood up as I said, "I never can. Yes, I see that now. Stupid me, blinded by romance. You deserve someone much better than me, Naomi. And I'll leave you now so you can find that someone."
As I prepared to leave, Naomi grabbed my arm. Her expression was beyond pained at this point.
"Don't leave me. Let's be friends again."
I looked at her with shock.
"No! I caused you so much pain! You deserve better than me! You're still young, you can definitely find someone else! Someone better than me who will comfort you, not put you through torment!"
"Torment I'm willing to endure... You did cause me pain, definitely, but I wanted to know if you still loved me and by coming here, you've proven to me that you at least care a bit about me."
"You know, I've thought about it and we both needed a friend. At least one. You tried to pretend you didn't need friendship in your life but you did. Everyone does; I did," Naomi said with sadness, tears beginning to form. "Normal people don't wanna hang out with cripples. I tried everything I could to make even one friend but everyone pushed me away when they found out I was epileptic. They never made fun of me for it but they definitely kept their distance."
"No matter what I did, I was thought of as “seizure girl.” No one wanted to be burdened with having to help me and, so, no one did. I've always put Yamaku on a pedestal because I figured people would at least keep me from harming myself and not completely ignore me there. I feared, though, that I would never make any friends there. But I did, didn't it?"
"You stayed by me even after you discovered I was epileptic and, for that, I came to love you. When I began to learn more about you, I came to love you even more. I... I just can't accept that I'm going to lose my only friend because of my own assumptions, my own faulty actions. I just can't lose you like I lost everyone else."
I grasped her hands, trying to reassure her, "Naomi. This is not your fault. It's mine. Yes, you did assume incorrectly that I would be comfortable with my sexuality then but I shouldn't have reacted so… horribly. Your pain, your current state, everything! It's all my fault and I deserve punishment for it."
But punishing myself by staying away from Naomi would hurt her even more, wouldn't it? What would have happened to her if she lost yet another friend so soon after their first meeting? I did not know how Naomi kept her happy-go-lucky facade up for so long but my desire… was to make that illusion into a reality.
“I deserve to be punished but I don’t want to punish you. If you’re really willing to forgive me… then I would be more than happy… to…”
“I am fully willing,” Naomi said. Joy, real joy entered her expression. “I’m glad… this friendship wasn’t ruined like the rest.”
With a smile, I responded, “If you still want a romantic relationship, I would be more than happy to enter one with you.”
Naomi shook her head, “No. I don’t want you going against everything you’ve been taught for my own selfish wishes.”
“Don’t worry, Naomi. I’ve realized by now that this... is my wish as well… and I was pretty stupid to not have seen it earlier.”
I gently kissed Naomi’s cheek, causing her to blush, “N-Natsume… well, if you’re really okay with this…”
“I don’t see anything wrong with it anymore! Lean in and pucker up!”
I had never really been able to envision myself kissing anyone before, not even as a naive child. So... I would have to say my first kiss certainly exceeded my nonexistent expectations.
*
The guilt had never really left me. Even after all those years, I still felt horrible about what I had did. And it was justified, wasn’t it? What I did was horrible. Thus, I deserve to feel horrible.
“Hey, Natsume. I think I’ve got a good idea for our article,” Naomi says with obvious eagerness.
“What is it?”
“The future.”
“The… future? You came up with that idea from thinking about the past?”
Naomi gazes at me intently with a determined expression. She always looked adorably determined whenever passion overcame her.
“I can tell you’re thinking about that horrible thing you thought you did in the past around the start of our relationship.”
I cringe involuntarily. Was I really being that obvious?
“Yep! That reaction proved it! Well, thinking about the past made me realize that, while we have to cherish the memories we made back then, we can’t cling to them forever. Especially with bad memories, you have to forget about them and/or forgive yourself eventually. You have to stop clinging to your past at some point and prepare for the future. You can’t be worrying too much about the future though; living to cherish each moment is the best course of action. That’s what I want our article to be about. Remembering the past, living in the present, thinking about the future. So, my idea is that we should interview all the third-years about what they want to do in their future, how/if they live in the moment, the methods they’ll use to cast the past aside and write one huge article about all this stuff.”
“To be more blunt… yeah, maybe what you did was horrible and all but… I remember the amazing memories we made after that little incident much more than the incident itself. I forgave you a long time ago. I think it’s about time you forgave yourself. So will you?”
I would probably never really forgive myself. Naomi lectured me about this all the time and, despite everything she said, her pain during that moment always came back to me to haunt me. Nevertheless, her idea sounded good; certainly a wonderful article to mark the end of the school year.
“Maybe... Anyways, this sounds like a great idea, Naomi. Let’s get to work then.”
Naomi is clearly concerned by how I had avoided her question. She opens her mouth, ready to speak, but shut it as the door opened and closed. I look at the door and smile warmly at the person entering the room.
Hanako smiles back at me as she sits down. It was a genuine smile, a radiant one, the kind of smile I would not have expected from a meek girl like her. I had never really interacted with her before she decided to join the Newspaper Club and, even then, it was rather difficult to get her to talk at length. However, I am beyond glad I expended the effort to get to know her, even if it was for such a short time.
“S-so, did you f-figure out something we can do for the last a-article?”
“Definitely! I came up with the best idea ever so get your interviewing senses ready! No reason to wait so let’s get going! Our room, Class 3-3!”
Naomi throws a notepad and pencil at Hanako. She only barely manages to catch them before Naomi ran out of the room. I chuckle softly as Hanako looks on with bafflement. Clearly, Naomi’s antics were still rather new to her.
“Well, we better get going, Hanako,” I say as I rise to follow Naomi. She nods and leaves the room mere seconds after she entered it.
*
“And here we go! First three copies of the momentous final issue ever!” Naomi grins from ear to ear as she throws the newspaper onto the table. Hanako and I pick up a copy and immediately proceed to read the front-page article.
“Naomi, you never did tell us what you wrote about your own future…” I say as I peruse the article. Hanako giggles subtly, obviously knowing more than I know about the matter in question. I suppose it made sense; she was the editor, after all.
“You’ll have to see for yourself!” Naomi giggles. She winked at me, arousing my curiosity even further.
I skim the article until I find Naomi’s section. Both Naomi and Hanako look at me with broad smiles as I read the section.
“Yamaku is definitely a wonderful place. That’s undeniable. But it’s a part of my past at this point. I can fondly remember the memories but I can’t cling to them and hope it’ll all repeat. I need to think of the future, think of my potential future as a journalist, think of the future I’ve fantasized about for years with Natsume Ooe.”
Well, that was daring.
“Every moment spent with Natsume is something to be cherished. If I constantly dwelled on the past or worried about the future, I would always be thinking that the past was better or the future will be better. Perhaps… perhaps this is true. But, I can’t be thinking like that. Maybe the past was better, maybe the future will be better, but the present moment is the moment I’m actually experiencing right now. So, to me, that makes the present the best out of all of them. Of course, that doesn’t mean thinking about the future is bad. I think about the future all the time, but I almost never think of it as better than the present. Almost never…”
“When I contemplate my future right now, I can only think about my future with Natsume. The present is amazing, but this fantasy will be even better when it becomes a reality. I wonder… I wonder if Natsume feels the same way.”
I put the paper down and look at Naomi.
“I do feel the same way, Naomi. Let’s make fantasy into reality… together.”
I smile. She smiles.
The future Naomi described will be even better than the present but… that does not make the present unpleasant by any means.
In addition, my plan is to eventually expand this into a chaptered story rather than a one-shot. Will it actually happen? I sincerely doubt it but this was just so much fun to write and writing more about this would be like a dream come true.
*
The last week, the last newspaper we would be publishing at Yamaku. Naomi is acting even more insane than usual, alternating erratically between pacing around the room and jumping around. I merely watch her with a smile. I had always enjoyed observing Naomi’s crazy antics; I really wouldn’t have hung out with her for all these years otherwise if I didn’t, now would I?
“Natsume! Aren’t you worried as hell? We need some special stuff for the last paper of the school year but we have NOTHING! Come on, we need something, at least!” Naomi nearly shouts. “It’s our duty as members of the newspaper club!”
“Relax, Naomi,” I try to reassure Naomi. “We’ll pull through. We always do.”
Most of our staff had jumped ship at this point, unwilling to put any more time so close to the end of the year into something they didn’t think would be appreciated by the target audience. Maybe that’s true; high school students tend to care very little about matters they perceive as fleeting such as their school newspaper. In fact, I’m sure most just take the monthly paper out of common courtesy and then throw into the trash as soon as they are able to. It’s understandable that some members of our club might feel unhappy about all their hard work not being appreciated at all, but the ones who are truly passionate about the work they do like me don’t care. Even if no one even looks at our work, we’re still proud of the journey, all the obstacles we overcame to reach our destination. Getting appreciated for our work is certainly gratifying but it’s far from a requirement.
Naomi’s different though. She cares about the legacy she imparts, how people perceive her and her work. The journey’s irrelevant if nobody but her cares. She lives in the moment just like I’ve learned to but the thought of what people will think of her work always looms over her like a black shadow. It’s not an invalid viewpoint by any means, but it certainly differs from mine. With a chuckle, I realize that essentially described our entire relationship. I’m the cool one, she’s the energetic one. I’m the reserved one, her emotions are always on display for all to see. I’m the calm one, she’s the panicky one. It’s just the kind of relationship we share… and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“What are you laughing about, Natsume? What can you be laughing about with all of the stuff we’ve got to think about here?” Naomi says in a distressed tone. “We have to work, not think! We have so little time left but so much work left!”
I smile at my friend, “I was just thinking of how different we are, personality-wise at least… and how much I cherish our relationship despite our many differences.”
My words calm Naomi, “Right, at this time, nostalgic students usually take the opportunity to think back on their past and all the awesome relationships they had or have... Hey, let’s do that now!”
I smirk, “I thought you were just yelling about how we had to work, not think!”
Naomi pouts cutely, “No need to be like that, Natsume. I think reminiscing will be a good source of ideas for our important last article. So let’s have some silent time to reminisce, Natsume!”
I oblige to Naomi’s request and fondly begin to recall the massive effect Naomi had on my life...
Back when I first arrived at Yamaku, I was much more withdrawn, putting my work and studies above all else. Friendships, romances, family relations… those were all unimportant. I certainly still enjoyed interacting pleasantly with other people but I just threw it to the side for a long time in favor of my studies. My parents actively supported this lifestyle; we all knew the stigma in this glorious country against disabled people and, thus, I had to work even harder than most kids in order to fulfill my dreams. Well, to be honest, I didn’t really have a tangible dream to drive me forward, just the general goal of getting into a great college and having a good life. Tangible goals weren’t really matters I worried about back then.
And then Naomi came along to completely change my view of the world.
*
"Suzu Suzuki. All you need to know about me; lesbian, narcoleptic, don't inflame my emotions. Happy to be here."
As Suzu trudged to an empty seat, snickers rose amongst the members of Class 1-3. The boy sitting in front of me, Takashi Maeda, whispered to his friend sitting to the right of him, Akio Hayashi, and they shared a laugh.
Ms. Akiyama, our homeroom teacher, glared at Suzu angrily as she shut the door. She made the customary greetings that a teacher is always supposed to make at the beginning of the year before beginning a long-winded speech. The second the speech began, the door opened with a loud bang and the girl with bleached hair entered, beaming broadly.
“Hey, classmates! I’m Naomi Inoue! We’re going to be in this homeroom together for a year, so let’s make the most of it!” Naomi shouted as she entered our homeroom class, cutting off our teacher’s speech in the process. Ms. Akiyama looked at her disapprovingly, but she didn’t let even our teacher’s notoriously evil glare stop her from bouncing around jovially. Naomi scanned the room, looking for a good, empty seat until she found the seat directly to the right of mine and dropped down into it. I smiled subtly. She seemed like an entertaining person to have to sit next to for the entire year.
“What’s your name?” Naomi asked me. With a sigh intended to be quite audible, I turned my head to her and quietly responded with “Natsume Ooe.”
“Oh, that’s a neat name!” Naomi whispered, taking this opportunity to closely analyze my entire body. “You know, Natsume, did anyone tell you before that those eyes of yours are absolutely stunning? Your entire self too, of course. ”
I blinked, surprised that a stranger, of all people, would compliment my differently colored eyes. It seemed my decision to take out my contacts for today was a good idea after all. My parents had always taught me to try to hide my heterochromia and arthritis the best I could, fearful of their child being any different from the perceived norm; their actions had instilled the belief in me that my differences were something to be hated. And yet here she was, one person who told me my eyes were... beautiful.
“Why… thank you, Naomi. You’re quite beautiful yourself,” I said. I was unsure how to reply to such a comment but returning the compliment appeared to be the best course of action.
“D'awww, thanks!” Naomi responded. “You’re probably lying just to make me feel better ‘bout myself but I’m not one to complain about a compliment!”
I took this opportunity to analyze her myself and I decided right there that she… certainly was beautiful no matter what she said. With a rare smile, I sincerely whispered, “No lies. You really are beautiful, Naomi; don’t try to downplay it.”
Naomi blushed and opened her mouth to speak. However, before she had the chance to, Takashi Maeda groaned loudly.
“I love girl-on-girl as much as the next guy, girls, but could you please save that sappy stuff for some other time? I can’t listen to Akiyama droning on with all this flirting,” Takashi said, clearly very annoyed. Both of us immediately squealed in surprise in response to his interpretations of our interactions and took to denying.
“Boy, I don’t know your name, but you are very wrong! I just met Natsume a minute ago so I’m not flirting with her in any way!” Naomi said furiously.
“You know what they say about love at first sight,” Akio Hayashi said with a conspiratorial wink.
“That’s not the kinda person I am! If I got the chance to know her, I could probably grow to love Natsume but not now!” Naomi spoke, crossing her arms angrily.
“Um, that’s not really helping our case, Naomi…” I grumbled. My parents had always taught me to downplay my pain, hide my bad eyesight, hide my eyes themselves with special contacts for any kind of difference would lead to ostracization and scornful treatment. But, mere minutes into the first day of high school, people were already beginning to label me… homosexual and thus would treat me with scorn for being… different.
“Hey, don’t get me wrong, there’s no need to hide it,” Takashi hurriedly clarified. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay but... I would still appreciate it if you would save that for later so I can hear Akiyama.”
“Yeah, I second that,” Akio said.
I stared at them blankly before realizing that teens who were suffering from disabilities as well would probably have experience themselves with being labeled different. To me, it did indeed sense that they would sympathize. It made me feel better about my own vast differences back then when I still cared about them so much; however, I still had to clarify something.
“That’s a touching sentiment, but the fact is… I’m not a lesbian. You boys are just imagining this conversation is romantic due to the effects of male hormones on your brains,” Takashi and Akio both grinned at me mischieviously, clearly not believing a word I had just said.
“Well, you fooled me,” said Akio.
“If you say so…” Takashi said.
“Damn, what a disappointment,” Naomi said before bursting into laughter. And then we all burst into laughter. It felt amazing to laugh, laughing only one activity out of many I hadn’t done in a long time.
*
Over the course of a single week, Naomi and I had become excellent friends. I had never thought before then that meaningful relationships could be formed within such a short period of time but the time I spent with Naomi proved me wrong. I felt we had bonded more in that single week more than I had with any of the colleagues I had known for my entire life.
We were all packing our bags at the end of the school day, Naomi turned toward me with a huge smile on her face, “Hey, Natsume, wanna go over to the Shanghai now that the school week’s over? They have some great food at that cafe so, if you’d like, we can go eat some great food and tea and chat!”
“She’s definitely asking you out on a date,” Takashi whispered conspiratorially to me just loudly enough for Naomi to hear as well. Predictably, she pouted as soon as she heard Takashi’s words.
“Nah, this is just a friendly gesture. But, perhaps, with time we can become… more than friends?” Naomi managed to look at me with a mock seductive expression for a second before bursting into laughter once again.
Smiling, I responded, “You know, it really doesn’t help your case when you claim you’re not asking me out then immediately flirt with me.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot. But, anyways, let’s return to the main topic here! So, do you wanna go with me?”
I considered her proposal for a moment before responding, “I apologize, but I must get some studying in after school today.”
Takashi shook his head disapprovingly as he left the classroom while Naomi stared at me confusedly, “It’s the first week of school. We barely have any work.”
“That just gives me a better opportunity to study material that will become important in the future.”
A determined expression entered her face, “Natsume Ooe! That’s not how you should live your life! Life is all about cultivating relationships with people, having fun with others, creating friendships that will last a lifetime!”
“Well, I’m sorry to say that’s where your opinion and mine differ,” I said as I stood up from my seat.
“Come on, just this once, Natsume… for me…?” Naomi put on the most adorable puppy-dog eyes I had ever seen though, to be fair, I had never really seen any of those in real life before. I tried to resist, I did, but I reluctantly found I was unable to.
“Okay, fine, fine… just this once. Lead the way, if you would, Naomi.”
*
We arrived at the Shanghai a short while after that little persuasive talk, Naomi guiding me there. She had lived in this area her entire life so, naturally, she knew much more about it than I did. She excitedly opened the door to the Shanghai and held it open to allow me to walk through. The small bells mounted above the door chimed softly as it opened, catching a waitress’ attention. She greeted us with an affable smile and led us to our seats. As I looked around the cafe, I noticed there was literally no one else in the entire cafe except us and the staff. The design of the place was quite attractive and the sweet scent of food that permeated the air made my mouth water but, nevertheless, the complete lack of people did give me some doubt as to how good this cafe really was.
Apparently, my doubt could be easily seen as Naomi commented, “Yeah, you might be doubting me a bit since there’s no one here. Don’t let that fool you though! The food here actually really is great. Give it a chance before you toss it aside.”
“Alright, alright, if you insist. Anyways… where’s the menu?” I asked, looking at the usual place where a menu would be located in a café and finding nothing.
“No menus here! You have to ask the waitress or waiter for some recommendations… or you can just ask me, if you wanna.”
“Alright, sure. So, what should I order?”
“Hmm… I think the Shanghai has some great parfaits. You should try it out!”
“Oh, yes, a parfait. I’ve read about those before and I’ve always been highly interested in trying one myself.”
Naomi nodded, obviously quite happy I followed her recommendation, then proceeded to call the waitress over. She ordered a parfait for herself and I and then we waited for our food to arrive.
“So, how do you like Yamaku and the general area so far, Natsume?” Naomi asked. It was obvious to me that she wasn’t just trying to make random small talk; I could easily see that the curious expression on her face was genuine.
“Based on my first week, at least, I really love Yamaku. The students are kind, the teachers are helpful, the general atmosphere is peaceful…” An environment of acceptance. I’m beyond happy that I can finally let my differences show instead of trying to hide them from the world.
“How about you, Naomi?”
“I’ve always put Yamaku on some kind of pedestal since I’ve been living near it my entire life. Sounded like a wonderful place even back when I was a child.” Naomi laughed a bit. “Yeaaaah, I may be acting pretty biased right now, but I haven’t seen anything at Yamaku yet that has given me any sorta reason to change my mind. In fact, my first week there made me love the school even more… and, hell, I’m just gonna go out and say this, I think meeting you has made my first week even better.
“I was worried I wouldn’t know anyone when I went to Yamaku; my old friends aren’t disabled like us, ya know. I don’t much like being in an unknown place without even one person I know. I worried… but I worried too much.”
“I would usually reply with a sarcastic inquiry of some sort but, if I were to be completely honest… I would have to say the same. ”
We smiled brightly at each other in silence. An ephemeral instant. The first of many that taught me… maybe it’s better to live in the moment, cherish what you have now instead of worrying about the future all the time. This little transient but blissful event would have no real effect on my future but that did not matter. What did matter was that I was bonding quickly with someone I’d consider a friend, cultivating relationships, creating friendships that would last a lifetime.
“Here’s your food, madams,” the waitress came to our table holding two parfaits with spoons lodged inside them. “Please enjoy!”
I grabbed my parfait, ignoring the slight joint pain that accompanied it, and grabbed the spoon delicately in order to avoid further inflaming my aching hands. However, the sensation in the joints just would not go away; indeed, it was worsening by the second. I tried to hide a grimace but, despite my efforts, it evidently showed as Naomi looked at me with concern etched onto her face.
“Natsume… are you alright?” Naomi questioned frantically, her concerned tone sounding very different from the excited, happy tone I was more accustomed to.
“Just… a bout of rheumatoid arthritis. Nothing to worry about,” I replied, trying to hide my pain even as it continued to worsen. They do say old habits die hard.
My grip on the spoon loosened and it fell onto the table with a clatter. Good thing it's clean, I'd be wasting my money if my spoon got sullied and I couldn't use it anymore... oh God... think of anything, everything to get my mind off the searing pain... off... the... pain... Naomi Inoue... I do cherish this time...
"Natsume!" Naomi's face grew even more concerned as she saw my pained expression become worse with each passing moment. "Natsume! What can I do to help?"
"Sorry... to worry... you like this... but there's nothing... you can do. You... and I... just have to... wait for the... bout to end..."
Naomi was at a loss for words and just stared at me in desperation, wanting to help but unable to do anything to. That was always a quality of hers that I loved, her desire to help others, desire to do anything, no matter how small, to assist someone in a time of need, especially those she loved. This quality of hers became apparent to me at this very moment. Even though she could not do anything to lessen the pain, what she could do was make it bearable.
A determined expression replaced Naomi’s concerned one as she picked up my spoon. I looked at her bemusedly when she quickly slammed it into my parfait, scooped up as much of the dessert as she could in one go, then positioned the spoon precariously by my mouth.
"Say ‘ahhhh’, Natsume!" Naomi said.
"Are... you really trying... to feed me?" I asked incredulously. Naomi nodded firmly.
"What, got a problem with it?" I shook my head in response. "Good, now, open that pretty little mouth of yours!"
Seeing nothing wrong with Naomi’s demand, I acquiesced with a shrug. She maneuvered the spoon into my mouth with a level of care and precision I had never seen from her for the entirety of the week I had known her, making sure none of the parfait would spill from the spoon onto my clothes or face. I closed my mouth and consumed the parfait with a delighted moan. Just as delicious as it had sounded.
"Eat up, Natsume!" Naomi said enthusiastically. "Want some more?”
I have to say, getting fed by Naomi was... even better than I had originally thought.
“Definitely,” I said with a broad smile. She reciprocated this with a radiant grin of her own as she continued to feed me.
"You don't have to hide your pain from me. I'll be there for you whenever you need help. Heh... even if it's something pretty stupid like feeding you a parfait."
Her smile became slightly more melancholy as she said, "I think not that many people have helped you before. Believe me, I know the feeling. When you’re in a state of horrible agony but no one cares enough to help you. I do care... about you, Natsume. I admit I'm not all that familiar with rheumatoid arthritis, but I'll make it my number one priority from now on to learn about it. I'll look up all the ways to help you deal with a bout. I'll do anything I can. I just want you to know... that you don't have to deal with your own state of horrible agony all alone."
Happy tears... streamed down my face then as I replied, "T-thanks, Naomi... t-this... it... really means a lot to me."
"It's no problem at all, Natsume."
I still let her feed me long after my joint pain subsided.
*
Lying on the bed of my dorm room at night time, I wondered if that was what some would call a date. If I actually had romantic feelings for… another girl. I didn't really know much about romance. No one had been able to catch my eye. This hadn't been a matter I had worried about before but now...
I looked around my sparsely decorated room to try to make my mind off this matter. I was never a proponent for throwing a variety of unnecessary items in to spruce up my room, but I did intend to decorate it a bit more when I was able to. Perhaps I would hang up some naughty posters of Naomi -
I shut my eyes with a groan and tried to sleep, but the rather inappropriate fantasies of the person I would consider my best friend persisted despite my efforts to make it all stop.
*
"Hey, Natsume, we bonded a lot yesterday, you know!" Naomi veritably shouted as I walked into the classroom. Takashi winked at me.
"So, how about we start dating?"
I froze in surprise at Naomi's bluntness. Takashi's eyes widened in surprise at Naomi's bluntness.
"Holy freaking shit! I was just joking! Jeez, two lesbians in the same class as me WHO ARE DATING? This is a dream come true!" Takashi blurted out.
Misha looked at Naomi and Takashi with an obviously fake look of disapproval. She still had her natural brown hair back then and didn't yet possess her trademark drills; everyone changes, don't they?
"Even though I - Shizune is unable to hear you, it is obvious you are causing a ruckus! ~ So, even if the beginning of a relationship is a momentous occasion, and congrats to our new couple ~, she implores you to quiet down before Akiyama arrives! ~" Misha shouted, ironically only adding to the commotion.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can say what you want but you have no authority over us, Ms. President," Akio dismissed. As soon as Misha translated for Shizune, she glared at him angrily.
Naomi giggled before asking again, "Okay, we got kinda sidetracked here but what about it?"
I had no idea what to say. I really did love Naomi but that's a shameful thing to admit in Japanese society. I really did hate being labeled as different and being shamed for it. At Yamaku, I was fine with revealing my arthritis and heterochromia. Everyone was broken in their own special way here but even so... surely not everyone here was gay. I couldn't deal with knowing I was different.
"Sorry, Naomi... but I must decline."
The rather chipper mood in the room quickly changed for the worse. Misha's upbeat smile turned into a downcast frown. Miki's too. Takashi and Akio, who had been staring intently from the start, turned away awkwardly. Suzu, who had just before been beaming, an unusual expression for her, went to sleep in such an overdramatic, Hollywood-esque way that it seemed obvious to me then that she had faked it. Hanako hid her face behind her book even more. I even noticed that Ice Queen Shizune looked a bit sad for once.
And, of course, there was Naomi. She appeared ready to cry as she asked me.
"But... why?"
I felt extraordinarily guilty for thrusting Naomi into this state, but it was what I felt I had to do.
"You're a wonderful person but I'm not gay. I'm sorry," I muttered quietly. Naomi looked utterly baffled but it quickly morphed into an expression of complete fury.
Naomi glared at me with such hatred that I jumped a step back, "Don't try to hide your sexuality! I know you think your differences are something to be ashamed of but they aren't! You need to cherish them like the wonders they are! I know you're kinda socially awkward but I thought we really had something!"
I'm kinda socially awkward... Don't hide my sexuality... based on my nature, these were rather logical conclusions to come to, but the Natsume of this argument was not thinking logically. She was angered by Naomi's assumptions.
Suddenly overcome by anger, I moved forward as I exclaimed, "You've only known me for a week! Hell, even less! You don't know a goddamn thing about me, Inoue! You just think 'oh, here's this perfect, sexy lady that I really wanna bang' and you mold me into something I'm not! You just imagine that I like you and I'm a lesbian to make yourself feel better! I'm not socially awkward by any definition! Don't assume you know the entire histories and personalities of people you just DON'T KNOW!"
A hurt expression replaced Naomi's angry one, "So, you don't love me? You don't even know me? I... don't even know you?"
"Though this may seem harsh, that's the truth of it."
"So what about the time we spent together at the Shanghai? I fed you when you were in pain. I told you I would always care for you, do anything I could for you. I could see your happy expression then, you didn't even try to hide it like you usually do. So we don't know each other at all?"
I grit my teeth then. I knew that if I did this, I would destroy my only meaningful relationship. I knew it truly was a wonder I cherished, the only wonder I cherished. I knew all this and continued anyway.
Looking down at the floor, I said, "I just needed some temporary comfort and you provided it. Nothing more than that."
Naomi crumpled to the floor. She looked up at me. Sad tears... streamed down her face then as she replied, "I really wanted this to work. I really... really fucking needed this to work! But things... they just don't work out the way you want them to. Especially for a worthless crippled seizure girl like me."
She cried on the floor for a long time. The whole room was in a state of utter silence until one person stood up. Miki.Miki was the one that had the courage to lead Naomi back to her room. I should have been the one.
"M-Miki, you're d-definitely p-pretty hot y-yourself. H-how about s-some relaxation time in m-my room?" Naomi said, trying to inject her typical carefree tone back into her voice but failing miserably.
Miki chuckled sadly, "I'll have ta know ya for a bit longer before I start doing that kinda stuff with ya."
They walked out. I slowly walked back to my seat, trying to ignore all the stares and glares directed at me. What a mess I made of things.
I put my head down on my desk, holding back tears of my own. What a mess I made of things.
What a mess I made of things.
"Rise and shine, Natcchan! ~" Misha's bright voice unexpectedly rang out in the silent room. With a jump, I realized Misha was standing right next to me with a huge grin on her face.
"I saw all of your interactions with Natcchan before... uh... this one! They were cute and definitely romantic! ~" Misha adopted a serious expression. "You have a wonderful relationship, I can tell... ~"
"There's no need to hide your true self! Natcchan, I came to Yamaku to learn how to teach sign language! I don't have a disability of any kind! So, when I made up my mind to attend Yamaku, I was seriously considering pretending I had a disability just so I wouldn't feel out of place here! But, I realized that's not how you should live life, pretending to be something you aren't just so you won't be different! You can't live like that, Natcchan! ~"
Misha's happy facade cracked a bit as she continued, "I can relate to your sexuality worries myself, Natcchan. I'm a lesbian myself and my parents did anything they could to change that. They sent me to therapy, special schools, always told that being homosexual was a terrible sin. For a time, it "worked" but I eventually came to realize nothing's wrong with being gay and forced my parents to stop with their programs. I suffered through a lot to stay true to myself even after everything I went through. I don't want to see you lose yourself like I did back then and lose someone close to you in the process. ~"
As my mind tried to process all this information, Suzu spoke up, "As I said on the first day, I'm a lesbian too and proud of it. Just because you are doesn't mean you have to think of yourself as different in a bad way and shameful. Yes, you are different, but it's not a bad thing at all. There are others who would be more than willing to help you deal with your concerns."
"Okay, okay, I tried to stay quiet, but... FOUR LESBIANS IN THE SAME CLASS? THIS IS DOUBLE THE DREAM COME TRUE! And, frankly, quite unrealistic but screw that," Takashi shouted, clearly on the verge of drooling.
"Dude, shut the hell up! This is not the time!" Akio yelled viciously.
"Okay, sorry, sorry... please continue."
I was actually quite grateful for Takashi's interruption. It gave me more time to think of a response to Misha and Suzu's words. Even with that extra time, I could still barely speak.
"I... I just can't accept being considered different. I loved Yamaku because it was a place I could freely let my disabilities show but... look at that... now I'm just different again."
Suzu's voice rose as she continued, "You just want to be a normal, straight girl, don't you? Well, it's just not gonna happen. You’re not normal. It is true that it was pretty unfair of Naomi to try to force you to accommodate to her idealized version of you and force you to accept your sexuality in a second. But, you have to accept your sexuality someday and sooner's better than later for both you and Naomi."
Yes, Suzu's words did make sense. They did. But, what was I to do? It went against everything I was taught since I was born. I didn't think then I could get over my fears in an instant just for someone’s love.
While I was contemplating, Suzu suddenly fell to the floor. I looked at her in shock. Her eyes were wide open and she had a completely terrified expression. She was completely immobile, with not even a muscle moving. I know now that this was a cataplectic attack, mainly a side effect of narcolepsy. It is often triggered by strong emotions and it leaves the victim unable to move even a single muscle while still remaining fully conscious. Heck, I had actually known this information for a long time but it was all forgotten in that moment. Actually experiencing something is different than reading about it...
Suzu rose with a groan a few seconds later, “Ah God! Not another one...”
She looked completely furious when she turned on me, “This whole matter is infuriating me and that’s... not… good! You better heed my advice after this, Natsume!"
Suzu breathed deeply a few times to calm herself. Back to her typical serene state once more, she continued, "I really do care about your relationship with Naomi. I do. I want you to salvage it from the screw-up here and to do that... you have to take my words to heart.”
“And my words too, Natcchan! ~” Misha butted in.
“Yeah, Misha’s words too.”
I did want to save my relationship with Naomi. But, my desire to epitomize the archetype of a normal Japanese schoolgirl overpowered even that.
“What if… I don’t want to salvage it…?” I said, looking down at the floor guiltily. I couldn't believe I had just said something so horrible, so... selfish. Suzu looked at me coldly.
“Well, I guess you can find solace in knowing that you lost your dearest friend who could have easily become something more due to your own actions and nothing else.”
“Hey, now, Succhan, don’t be so harsh! ~ A delicate situation like this requires the delicate Misha touch! Wahaha! ~" Misha looked at me sternly. “Now! This isn’t the right way to go about things, Natcchan! Relationships are the lifeforce of uh… life! ~ And you need some positive relationships in your life to live a happy life! This is a really positive relationship! Really positive! ~ And you can’t give up on it! You have to always fight to maintain your friendships no matter what happens! Even if two close friends get into a heated argument like you… well… just did, they should NOT give up on each other! They've gotta stick by each other through everything!”
That was not how I had viewed a friendship. To me, a friendship was made merely for practical purposes such as assistance in a school matter. That... had changed when I met Naomi. For the first time, I formed a friendship due to genuine friendliness rather than any "practical purpose." Naomi's friendship made me realize that the actual "friend" part of friendship was reason enough to form a friendship.
And that moment was when I realized this relationship was not something I could just cast aside so carelessly. I cursed myself for putting our relationship in such a precarious state.
"You're right. I'm an idiot," I said, shame overcoming me.
"Aaand?" Suzu said with a devious smile.
"And?"
"Don't act dumb, you know what I'm talking about. Shout it for the whole world to hear."
With a resigned sigh, I proclaimed to 1-3, "I'm a lesbian! Okay, are you happy now?"
Misha and Suzu both broadly beamed in response.
"Yay, Natcchan! Wahaha, glad it worked out! ~ Run right in and proclaim your love! That plan of attack always works out! ~"
Suzu was more cautiously optimistic than Misha, "I feel confident that you can mend your relationship with time... but you need to give it time. You can't barge into Naomi's room and expect your bond to be fixed just like that. Think before you act or you're just going to make things worse."
"Eh, I guess Succhan's right. Don't wait too long though or you'll lose your opportunity! ~"
I nodded. I knew that I would have waited for a long time anyway. Courage was never my strong suit.
*
It was a difficult time for me. Whenever Naomi entered my vicinty, she made sure to glare at me with hatred in her eyes. That, of course, was when she was not avoiding me.
Countless days passed. My desire to resume my relationship with Naomi consumed my life. It was all I ever thought about... and yet I could never find the words. The right words.
One day, however, Naomi was noticeably absent. She had seemed absent to the homeroom ever since our argument, in an uncharacteristic quiet, sullen state, but now she really was. I shrugged it off as a cold or whatnot until Ms. Akiyama entered, tears visible on her face. That was when I feared the worst.
"Ms. Inoue has suffered an extremely severe seizure and has been hospitalized. She is in stable condition... but the seizure was nearly fatal. I hate to use such a tragedy to preach, but let this be a warning to you. The nursing staff says Ms. Inoue deprived herself of sleep and was highly stressed, both factors that contributed to the severity of her seizure. Watch your health, confide in Yamaku's talented nursing staff and..."
Stress. Sleep deprivation. It was all my fault. How could I ever forgive myself if Naomi died because of me? And even though she would apparently be fine in the end... I put her through so much pain! I wasn't worthy of that angel. I never would be.
I started bawling uncontrollably, eliciting looks of pity from the homeroom. I needed Naomi. There was no one else who I would want to share my whole life with but her. I needed to fix this. I didn't know how but I needed to. I needed to.
*
I never liked hospitals. Who does? Melancholy atmosphere, too clean for its own good, et cetera. I could go on and on about trite descriptions of the hospital ambience but that was of little concern to me then. I blocked it all out, all the pain and all the sorrow of the others... to focus exclusively on my own.
I asked a nurse which room Ms. Inoue was residing in. With a practiced smile, she led me to her room. I had been lucky enough to arrive during visitor hours.
When we entered the room, Naomi was laying in bed, staring absentmindedly at the ceiling. Hearing our footsteps, she turned quizzically to the source. I could see barely concealed pain in her expression as her head turned in my direction. The nurse politely left us to our own devices, leaving Naomi and me all alone.
"Ms. Ooe. Greetings," Naomi said, her usual energy completely lost.
"Ms. Inoue."
Even when we had first met, we had never been so cold and formal to each other. Naomi was never one for formalities. It certainly told me that Naomi was planning to keep me at a respectable distance. An understandable response. But I could not stand for it.
"Naomi," I said as I sat down in a chair opposite Naomi's bed, "I'm sorry."
With a deep sigh, Naomi replied, "I'm sorry too. You were right when you said I was asking out my idealized version of you, not the real you. I thought of you as the perfect girl, but I'm afraid... I was wrong."
The words stung but I knew I deserved them, "I can accept that I'm not perfect. I'm as far from perfect as a person can get. I don't know how I can ever make it up to you... I probably never will."
What did I think I would accomplish here? The suffering I inflicted on Naomi was too great to just sweep under the rug and I would not want to in any case. I had to get out of there.
I stood up as I said, "I never can. Yes, I see that now. Stupid me, blinded by romance. You deserve someone much better than me, Naomi. And I'll leave you now so you can find that someone."
As I prepared to leave, Naomi grabbed my arm. Her expression was beyond pained at this point.
"Don't leave me. Let's be friends again."
I looked at her with shock.
"No! I caused you so much pain! You deserve better than me! You're still young, you can definitely find someone else! Someone better than me who will comfort you, not put you through torment!"
"Torment I'm willing to endure... You did cause me pain, definitely, but I wanted to know if you still loved me and by coming here, you've proven to me that you at least care a bit about me."
"You know, I've thought about it and we both needed a friend. At least one. You tried to pretend you didn't need friendship in your life but you did. Everyone does; I did," Naomi said with sadness, tears beginning to form. "Normal people don't wanna hang out with cripples. I tried everything I could to make even one friend but everyone pushed me away when they found out I was epileptic. They never made fun of me for it but they definitely kept their distance."
"No matter what I did, I was thought of as “seizure girl.” No one wanted to be burdened with having to help me and, so, no one did. I've always put Yamaku on a pedestal because I figured people would at least keep me from harming myself and not completely ignore me there. I feared, though, that I would never make any friends there. But I did, didn't it?"
"You stayed by me even after you discovered I was epileptic and, for that, I came to love you. When I began to learn more about you, I came to love you even more. I... I just can't accept that I'm going to lose my only friend because of my own assumptions, my own faulty actions. I just can't lose you like I lost everyone else."
I grasped her hands, trying to reassure her, "Naomi. This is not your fault. It's mine. Yes, you did assume incorrectly that I would be comfortable with my sexuality then but I shouldn't have reacted so… horribly. Your pain, your current state, everything! It's all my fault and I deserve punishment for it."
But punishing myself by staying away from Naomi would hurt her even more, wouldn't it? What would have happened to her if she lost yet another friend so soon after their first meeting? I did not know how Naomi kept her happy-go-lucky facade up for so long but my desire… was to make that illusion into a reality.
“I deserve to be punished but I don’t want to punish you. If you’re really willing to forgive me… then I would be more than happy… to…”
“I am fully willing,” Naomi said. Joy, real joy entered her expression. “I’m glad… this friendship wasn’t ruined like the rest.”
With a smile, I responded, “If you still want a romantic relationship, I would be more than happy to enter one with you.”
Naomi shook her head, “No. I don’t want you going against everything you’ve been taught for my own selfish wishes.”
“Don’t worry, Naomi. I’ve realized by now that this... is my wish as well… and I was pretty stupid to not have seen it earlier.”
I gently kissed Naomi’s cheek, causing her to blush, “N-Natsume… well, if you’re really okay with this…”
“I don’t see anything wrong with it anymore! Lean in and pucker up!”
I had never really been able to envision myself kissing anyone before, not even as a naive child. So... I would have to say my first kiss certainly exceeded my nonexistent expectations.
*
The guilt had never really left me. Even after all those years, I still felt horrible about what I had did. And it was justified, wasn’t it? What I did was horrible. Thus, I deserve to feel horrible.
“Hey, Natsume. I think I’ve got a good idea for our article,” Naomi says with obvious eagerness.
“What is it?”
“The future.”
“The… future? You came up with that idea from thinking about the past?”
Naomi gazes at me intently with a determined expression. She always looked adorably determined whenever passion overcame her.
“I can tell you’re thinking about that horrible thing you thought you did in the past around the start of our relationship.”
I cringe involuntarily. Was I really being that obvious?
“Yep! That reaction proved it! Well, thinking about the past made me realize that, while we have to cherish the memories we made back then, we can’t cling to them forever. Especially with bad memories, you have to forget about them and/or forgive yourself eventually. You have to stop clinging to your past at some point and prepare for the future. You can’t be worrying too much about the future though; living to cherish each moment is the best course of action. That’s what I want our article to be about. Remembering the past, living in the present, thinking about the future. So, my idea is that we should interview all the third-years about what they want to do in their future, how/if they live in the moment, the methods they’ll use to cast the past aside and write one huge article about all this stuff.”
“To be more blunt… yeah, maybe what you did was horrible and all but… I remember the amazing memories we made after that little incident much more than the incident itself. I forgave you a long time ago. I think it’s about time you forgave yourself. So will you?”
I would probably never really forgive myself. Naomi lectured me about this all the time and, despite everything she said, her pain during that moment always came back to me to haunt me. Nevertheless, her idea sounded good; certainly a wonderful article to mark the end of the school year.
“Maybe... Anyways, this sounds like a great idea, Naomi. Let’s get to work then.”
Naomi is clearly concerned by how I had avoided her question. She opens her mouth, ready to speak, but shut it as the door opened and closed. I look at the door and smile warmly at the person entering the room.
Hanako smiles back at me as she sits down. It was a genuine smile, a radiant one, the kind of smile I would not have expected from a meek girl like her. I had never really interacted with her before she decided to join the Newspaper Club and, even then, it was rather difficult to get her to talk at length. However, I am beyond glad I expended the effort to get to know her, even if it was for such a short time.
“S-so, did you f-figure out something we can do for the last a-article?”
“Definitely! I came up with the best idea ever so get your interviewing senses ready! No reason to wait so let’s get going! Our room, Class 3-3!”
Naomi throws a notepad and pencil at Hanako. She only barely manages to catch them before Naomi ran out of the room. I chuckle softly as Hanako looks on with bafflement. Clearly, Naomi’s antics were still rather new to her.
“Well, we better get going, Hanako,” I say as I rise to follow Naomi. She nods and leaves the room mere seconds after she entered it.
*
“And here we go! First three copies of the momentous final issue ever!” Naomi grins from ear to ear as she throws the newspaper onto the table. Hanako and I pick up a copy and immediately proceed to read the front-page article.
“Naomi, you never did tell us what you wrote about your own future…” I say as I peruse the article. Hanako giggles subtly, obviously knowing more than I know about the matter in question. I suppose it made sense; she was the editor, after all.
“You’ll have to see for yourself!” Naomi giggles. She winked at me, arousing my curiosity even further.
I skim the article until I find Naomi’s section. Both Naomi and Hanako look at me with broad smiles as I read the section.
“Yamaku is definitely a wonderful place. That’s undeniable. But it’s a part of my past at this point. I can fondly remember the memories but I can’t cling to them and hope it’ll all repeat. I need to think of the future, think of my potential future as a journalist, think of the future I’ve fantasized about for years with Natsume Ooe.”
Well, that was daring.
“Every moment spent with Natsume is something to be cherished. If I constantly dwelled on the past or worried about the future, I would always be thinking that the past was better or the future will be better. Perhaps… perhaps this is true. But, I can’t be thinking like that. Maybe the past was better, maybe the future will be better, but the present moment is the moment I’m actually experiencing right now. So, to me, that makes the present the best out of all of them. Of course, that doesn’t mean thinking about the future is bad. I think about the future all the time, but I almost never think of it as better than the present. Almost never…”
“When I contemplate my future right now, I can only think about my future with Natsume. The present is amazing, but this fantasy will be even better when it becomes a reality. I wonder… I wonder if Natsume feels the same way.”
I put the paper down and look at Naomi.
“I do feel the same way, Naomi. Let’s make fantasy into reality… together.”
I smile. She smiles.
The future Naomi described will be even better than the present but… that does not make the present unpleasant by any means.
Nothing quite as severe as her harsh experiences but still... 