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Prologue: "Keeping a grasp..."

It was a pretty dull winter: No snow, gray sky - it almost looks like the most depressing day in the world. I was sitting on a bench, next to an old elementary school, waiting to meet up with the girl that made my heart feel all warm and pink inside. I wanted to confess to her my feelings.However the more I waited the more unpatient I was.

I sighed, "I knew it she won-" my words were interrupted as I noticed gentle and delicate figure of Maya, her dark hair accompanied by her green eyes and pale, smooth skin.

"Oh, hi" I said quickly noticing my mistake.

"Hey. So what you wanted to show me?" When she said that, I felt my eyes were starting to shine with confidence however when I was about to say my feelings...

"Wait. Can You feel that?" As I opened my mouth, Maya asked with a big ammount of worry in her voice.

"Huh?" I said as I looked at her, confused to understand what she ment by these words. However shortly after I realised what she meant. "Smoke?" I mumbled to myself as I felt gray clouds slowly filling my lungs. "Wait here," I said with a sharp, yet protective tone.

As I went slowly to find the source of the smoke ,I stumbled on a wall with a window near the ground. Curiosity flew over me, I leaned a bit to peek with my eye grabbing the wall with my arm to gain more balance however it was killed... I heard a loud "bang" and a short later the wall I was clinging to pushed me with enormous strenght, It was so strong I even felt myself flying, however it wasn't a very nice experience. It had a lot of pain , it made paralyzed. After some airtime I landed on the ground on my side giving a loud thud,

"JASIU!!!" I heard the voice of Maya as I saw her with my other eye. As long as I lied there to stay awake I felt even more tired, tired of staying alive, and so I went to sleep that I thought would be eternal...

As I was sleeping I had weird visions of people doing something to me, a very bright light shining on my face, even I could see my parents in the background worried about something.

I woke up by the sound of the radio playing some classic tunes that my parents would love. The first thing I noticed was the fact that I couldn't see with my right eye which got me worried a bit but this didnt stopped my curiosity as I started looking around,

I noticed I was in some kind of hospital, filled with dull, empty browness that seemed better than weather outside, I also noticed some signs about returning to health however they made me wonder why they were in there, I didn't feel sick or anything. As I kept looking I noticed a stool on a left side with a glass of water and a vase with a bouqet of flowers in it labeled "For Mommy's Lil' boy," I got embarassed a bit, looking at the glass made me feel dried, so I moved my left arm to grab the glass though I couldn't grab it because... I didn't had nothing to grab it with, I only saw an arm-looking thing with a round, blunt hook.

I freaked out, I started to scream as tears were shedding from my left eye, my thoughts on stopped thinking about going back home because I knew I wont get my old life back. I desperately started to look for other things that I lost at that time, then I discovered I lost my leg too, I turned my face towards the pillow, screaming uncontrolably in pain. Few seconds later my family and hospital staff entered the room,

"Thank Goodness! You're awake!" My mom said as she rushed towards my bed, the rest of family is looking happily at me, the only person thats sad about the whole situation.

The days in the hospital were hard for me, especially getting used to living with one eye and depth perception... It was easy to get bored in there so I just did everything that I would toss into the folder of "not boring things to do" that I know, altough as time was proceeding slowly and painfully I accepted these changes.

One day doctor came in, checking some papers as if he was to announce something "We've found something for you... Altough we need your agreement," surprised I rised my eyebrows,

"What is it?" I asked,

Doctor scratched his head quickly, "Theres a school for people like you... Altough its not located in this country," As he finished the sentence my undead curiosity came in,

"Where exactly?" Doctor surprised with my enthusiasm added

"Its pretty far away. It lies in Japan," As the idea of me visiting one of the-must-visit countries on my list I quickly stopped thinking about it as soon as I got the set of questions that came to my head,

"Why exactly there?" I asked unsure what to expect.

"From all the options we got, this one seems to be the best out of all choices, it provides checkups for the students as well as a place to live, also the students are achieving great things. A girl in a condition similar to yours became a great runner despite the fact she lost her legs." I looked with my eyes widened at the doctor. I wasn't expecting THAT.

"And my parents? What do they think?" I asked in a kind of "everything-is-lost" way waiting for the responce shortly after,

"They said about sending you as long as YOU will agree," these words made me want to jump like a happy child altough I forgot I lost my leg resulting in my falling on the floor. The doctor after seeing my happiness smiled a bit

"Then it's settled. You're going there." He said as he left the room.

Well first of all, walls of text are not fun to read. You should fix that. Also, your grammar was pretty bad, with run-on sentences everywhere. It also felt a little rushed, though I'm not sure if that was because of the formatting(I was sort of skimming because of it) or not.Kinda hard for me to judge the rest of it when thats such a glaring problem.

Also, why did the building explode? The way its written now is kind of confusing.

AntonSlavik020 wrote:Well first of all, walls of text are not fun to read. You should fix that. Also, your grammar was pretty bad, with run-on sentences everywhere. It also felt a little rushed, though I'm not sure if that was because of the formatting(I was sort of skimming because of it) or not.Kinda hard for me to judge the rest of it when thats such a glaring problem.

Also, why did the building explode? The way its written now is kind of confusing.

Yeah, I see whatchu mean. I fixed few errors, changed format a bit I also added more details to the prologue. I hope its better now.
About the explosion its going to be explained in the first chapter some way.

Okay, the biggest problem is grammar, so I suggest getting a proofreader.

I also agree it is rushed. For example when Maya arrives the don't even greet each other. He wants to skip right to the confession and she goes right to asking about the smell^^°

As for formatting, if this is better than before I don't even want to see what it looked like before. Usually you should use paragraphs as well as line breaks - especially if the scene changes. I reformatted the beginning of your story as an example (fixed some tenses and grammar while I was at it):

Prologue: "Keeping a grasp... Oh..."

It was a pretty dull winter: No snow, gray sky - it almost looked like the most depressing day in the world. I was sitting on a bench, next to an old elementary school, waiting to meet up with the girl that made my heart feel all warm and pink inside. I wanted to confess my feelings to her. However the more I waited the more impatient I was.

I sighed. "I knew it she won-" my words were interrupted as I noticed the gentle and delicate figure of Maya, her dark hair accompanied by her green eyes and pale, smooth skin. I felt my eyes were starting to shine with confidence however when I was about to say my feelings...

"Can You feel that?" Maya asked with a big amount of worry in her voice.

"Huh?" I said as I looked at her, too confused to understand what she meant by these words. However shortly after I realized what she meant. "Smoke?" I mumbled to myself as I felt gray clouds slowly filling my lungs. "Wait here," I said with a sharp, yet protective tone.

Finally, some problems about logic:
- It's a bad idea to fit him with a hook while he is still unconscious. For one thing a hook is quite impractical for most purposes, for another it is quite dangerous, especially if the user isn't aware that he has one.
- Do you really think it's realistic that they'd ship him halfway across the world to a school in Japan a week after he wakes up? Usually after losing an arm and a leg, you'll spend many months in a hospital doing rehab. And why Japan? There are schools like this in other countries as well, and they can't expect him to learn the language in a week, not to speak of following high school level classes.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Okay, the biggest problem is grammar, so I suggest getting a proofreader.

I also agree it is rushed. For example when Maya arrives the don't even greet each other. He wants to skip right to the confession and she goes right to asking about the smell^^°

As for formatting, if this is better than before I don't even want to see what it looked like before. Usually you should use paragraphs as well as line breaks - especially if the scene changes. I reformatted the beginning of your story as an example (fixed some tenses and grammar while I was at it):

Prologue: "Keeping a grasp... Oh..."

It was a pretty dull winter: No snow, gray sky - it almost looked like the most depressing day in the world. I was sitting on a bench, next to an old elementary school, waiting to meet up with the girl that made my heart feel all warm and pink inside. I wanted to confess my feelings to her. However the more I waited the more impatient I was.

I sighed. "I knew it she won-" my words were interrupted as I noticed the gentle and delicate figure of Maya, her dark hair accompanied by her green eyes and pale, smooth skin. I felt my eyes were starting to shine with confidence however when I was about to say my feelings...

"Can You feel that?" Maya asked with a big amount of worry in her voice.

"Huh?" I said as I looked at her, too confused to understand what she meant by these words. However shortly after I realized what she meant. "Smoke?" I mumbled to myself as I felt gray clouds slowly filling my lungs. "Wait here," I said with a sharp, yet protective tone.

Finally, some problems about logic:
- It's a bad idea to fit him with a hook while he is still unconscious. For one thing a hook is quite impractical for most purposes, for another it is quite dangerous, especially if the user isn't aware that he has one.
- Do you really think it's realistic that they'd ship him halfway across the world to a school in Japan a week after he wakes up? Usually after losing an arm and a leg, you'll spend many months in a hospital doing rehab. And why Japan? There are schools like this in other countries as well, and they can't expect him to learn the language in a week, not to speak of following high school level classes.

Thank you for pointing this out. I'm still a bit stupid when it comes to few things, however I'm still learning the world of disabled and things similar to that. I'll fix that soon.
About the hook part I heard about various cases in my country where they gave the patients these blunt hook prosthesis. As for the school in Japan and the week thingie... The schools in his country aren't that fascinating as these schools tend to be kinda depressing, so I wouldn't like to have him die after leaving the hospital, plus most of the schools for disabled are mostly for certain thing (losing sight, Down syndrome etc.) So if it was in his country most of the girls he would meet in his school would be having similar reason why they joined it. The lack of details however is caused by my memory thats below average when it comes to this kind of "Stuff that seems logic" but I still forget about. :/
Also I forgot to mention that it would be nice to have my errors pointed out, so I could fix these problems quickly, so pm me about them or even post about it, so it'll help me make this fanfic better.

About the hook part I heard about various cases in my country where they gave the patients these blunt hook prosthesis.

Well yes it IS an option, but would they fit one to his arm before he even gained consciousness? For one thing to fit a prosthetic the wound has to have healed and for another he might not want to wear a hook. They would probably at least ask him before doing that.

The schools in his country aren't that fascinating as these schools tend to be kinda depressing, so I wouldn't like to have him die after leaving the hospital, plus most of the schools for disabled are mostly for certain thing (losing sight, Down syndrome etc.) So if it was in his country most of the girls he would meet in his school would be having similar reason why they joined it.

In cases like this I always suggest to get into the head of the characters making such a decision. Now try to imagine the discussion between his parents and the doctor:
"Your son will have to go to a special school from now on."
"We expected that, can you recommend a school close by?"
"Uh, all the schools in this country are specialized so all the girls your son would meet there would probably be amputees… Also, all the schools here are very depressing, so your son would run a high risk of suicide there."
"Oh, we see. That would of course be horrible. What do you suggest then?"
"I've heard about a school in Japan that has girls with all kinds of different disabilities and it's supposed to be a lot of fun."
"In Japan? But he doesn't speak Japanese. And what about visa?"
"Oh, he can learn that. He won't leave for a week yet. And I took the liberty of procuring visa for your son. Here they are."
"Seems you thought about everything."

So tell me, does this sound plausible to you?
If your character is sent halfway across the globe, his parents need a plausible reason for doing that. ("But he's supposed to meet Emi" is not a plausible reason for his parents.) You don't need to tell your reader the reason, but you should know it, your protagonist should question it, and it should be plot-relevant somewhere down the line.