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Hi all! This is my first FF ever, so I hope you'll enjoy it (or at least you won't find it too weird )

Another World

CHAPTER 1
<< Hey Hanako! I ever wondered... Do you think that on Mondays there REALLY are more people on the train, or is it just our immagination? >>
Whoa. Today Naomi's been really strange. She usually chitchat a lot on the train and after on the street when we're heading back home, but today she's been silent on the whole train route, at the market in our weekly stop, and on the street 'til now at my home door. From nowhere, she came with this strange, at least for her, question.
<< I dunno Naomi. Probably on workdays the amount of the people on the train is always the same, but we overstimate them on Mondays 'cause it's the beginning of a new week >>
<< Do you think that anyone may have published a paper on this thing? And if it's the case, can I try to wrote a piece about it? >>
I really don't know the answer to the first question, but I understood now there was no philosophical meaning in her question, but she's only trying to find a starting point for a piece
<< N-no idea >>
<< Ok Hanako, I'm going to find the answers! And good evening, see ya tomorrow morning >>
<< Bye Naomi. See ya tomorrow >>

So another workday ended. I opened the door and I placed my shopping on the table. Just after I went to my laptop; as soon as I had the chance to start, I opened the folder (maybe I can put it directly on the desktop) and I clicked on the playlist. After that, for some minutes I had to arrange all my purchases into the shelves: after I placed all of them (damn, I almost forgot the thyme) I went back to the laptop.
I have something like an half-hour before preparing dinner, so I can write my journal and maybe browse a little my bookmarks.

"12th January 2015.
Monday, back to work, nothing really interesting happened on morning.
I had a good lunch with some of my colleagues, 'til the end, when Haruhi said that probably there will be some layoffs in the next two months. She often had this kind of apocalyptic forecasts in the past, but this time by other's reactions I suppose there can be a bit of truth, and also if I should be personally relaxed about it (or at least, for what I ever heard about my satisfying work) I fear that someone of us may be fired. And 'cause usually the most endangered are the last hired, I suppose that one of us eight with less than a year of experience may be the chosen one. I really hope not Naomi, she's a good friend to me and if it wasn't for her maybe I never applied to start working at the newspaper.”

BRINGG!
The phone, here I am, wait a minute, where is it? Ah well ok. Lilly.
<< Hello! Hi Lilly! >>
<< Good evening, Hanako. I hope you're already at home and I'm not bothering you >>
<< Yes I just came back. And you don't have to tell such a thing, not even as a joke, y-you know, I'm ever glad to hear you >>
<< My, my. There's no need to be so polite >>
<< Am I really talking to Lilly Satou? Hello? >>
An awkward moment of silence, broken by the laugh of Lilly just followed by mine.
<< Hanako, I'm really happy to hear you, and to hear you in such a good mood. But I'm sorry I had to do this call to submit you a little problem >>
<< Sure, Lilly, tell me. >>
<< When we met saturday evening I invited you for the day after tomorrow, Wednesday, to our house for the dinner. >>
A pause.
<< Yes, I remember it >>
<< I'm sorry I have to ask you if it's possible to postpone it of a few days. I had a job-related question rescheduled in the late afternoon, so if you agree we can do another day, maybe still in the week >>
<< Sure, Lilly. Have you already thought another day? >>
<< If you agree I thought about another Saturday evening meeting, 'cause also Akira will be present. But if you prefer to keep your Saturday evening free, we can- >>
<< It's ok for me Lilly, don't worry about it. Still on 8pm? >>
<< It's your call, 'cause we are the ones who had to pospone our dinner we owed you->>
<< As I just said, it's ok to me. Say hello to Akira for me, … a-and to Hisao, of course. See ya on Saturday so! >>
<< I'll do it Hanako. Goodbye>>

Good 'ol Lilly. From her first sentence on the phone, she worried about there are chances I was bothered by her call. I assume some things never change, and I learnt with time that she never intended to pity when we met almost ten years ago, but that this is her attitude towards her neighbors. Well, to be honest probably she did a little bit ovverreact in her attitude to me the first year or so, but I'm happy my oldest friend has a such pure behaviour.
It's going to be late, I have to finish my journal and to arrange the dinner

“On the afternoon I worked mostly on archiving last year's files. Someone will say it's a tedious job we have to do on the first days of the year, but IMHO it's a good contrast to daily routine and such an occasion to find interesting stories I personally missed during the year.
And on the way back to home, I noticed a quieter-than-usual Naomi... I really hope she won't be involved in rumored firings. Maybe tomorrow I should try to talk about this with her.”
Ok, done for today, let's go with dinner. I can shut off the sound or... naah, I'll prefer to listen to the soundtrack also during the dinner and its preparation.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER 2

During the dinner I constantly thought about last Saturday evening.
I saw Lilly and Hisao after... what, a year? No, it should been a little less, 'cause they went to Scotland last March, but still a long time. I found them well, better than I thought.
They've been a couple from the time we were still in Yamaku, and the moment in which Hisao risked his life in his crazy run to the airport kinda officially sealed their union. They shared a good bunch of moments of joy, but also some difficulties: Lilly's family initially was... let's say unpleased to learn that Lilly “stayed in Japan for love”, but after some years they completely accepted Hisao and Lilly entered as a translator in the family business. It wasn't exactly the teacher job she sometimes said to me she was thinking when we were in Yamaku, but it allowed her to travel the world (mainly between Japan and Scotland, obvioulsy), to be with Hisao, and with her family too, and I ever suspected that for Lilly knowing how proud was her father for her commitment had repayed her of every regret. Maybe the only issue she still have is the fact that she and Hisao still haven't any children. It's been long time since last time we talked about this matter, and probably this is the only issue in which she is the one who has strong difficulties to tell about her, so I'm not sure if it she will be pleased at the beginning to talk about that with me but I'll be here for her if she will need my support.

And I suspect it will be no easier than in the past, 'cause probably the event of the last March gave back an Hisao more doubtful in having any children. I remember still now the afternoon in which I received Akira's call, her words about the heart attack that hit Hisao (and later revealed to be a stroke) after years with no further episodes, the last one being that famous rush for the airport. I also remember I offered to reach them in Scotland (it would have been my first travel outside my country) but Akira said it was a so hard situation to cope with that it was better I waited. And also if I constantly stayed in contact with Lilly I had to wait 'till last week to see them, the longest time I passed without see her and Hisao.

As I said Lilly now seems to overtake it all, but Hisao still had some kind of sadness. Sure, he was kinda cheerful all the evening, he joked mentioning its presence was an half-birthday present 'cause the day before yesterday was the 10th of january, and six months exactly before (or after) my birthday; and he almost killed us by laughters mentioning his last meeting with his old friend Kenji, who ranted almost three hours about Hisao joining his... don't remember the exact name, something like the “United World Front for the Liberation from the Feminists” and its final words:
<< You'll see Hisao, as I clearly see in front of my eyes as it's written in diamond letters on a black background. All the planet soon will be aware of our acts in the global war against Feminists. Reclaim with me our place into History!!! >>

But I noticed a little shadow about all: Hisao left arm's seems to react slowly than it should, and he twice launched a dismayed gaze to it. It's a really cruel joke of destiny that a person like Hisao, who didn't care about my scars from the moment we met, now is the one with a physical problem that may cause to some people to stare him.
Damn, I already finished eating when lost in my thoughts.

---

Ok, now I'm back at my laptop. I checked the board and the forum, and I “lost” almost an hour doing it.
I close the MP3 reader to start (once again!) playing Katawa Shonen.

I know: most of the people I live and work with will think I'm odd to spend my time with my hobbies like Visual Novels, or browsing internet about similar things. They would say: “have a real life” or “it's a sick thing” or “your next birthday you'll be 25, you shouldn't be more into this hobbies” or similar things.
But I do have a real life, in which I keep a space for this kind of hobbies.
This is me. All … of me.
Maybe I will ever be a girl shier than the average one.
Maybe I will ever had some painful memories from my past, and sometimes when they come back to my mind I'll feel the urge to cry.
Maybe for me it will be ever difficult to find new friends, and I won't be the most communicative person around.
But no one really knows what life reserve us... joy, sadness, and in which amount.
I was a total wreck, and I had the strenght to come out from my shelter... with a little help, for sure, but I decided when and how.
In a few months I proceeded from talking only to Lilly, to travel with my newfound friends in train around Japan.
I keep some friendships from the days of Yamaku (Lilly, Hisao, Naomi) and I found a new ones.
I also hang out with some boys, I never had a real boyfriend but sooner or later I'll find the right one.
If I look back in my past there are a lot of things I do now, that I never thought will ever be possible. Before during dinner, I thought to my birthday and to my scars without noticing, an unthinkable situatione once.
So this is a moment in my life, THIS moment in my life, in which I'm stuck in this game that gave me some feels, in which I found this boy and I played through his route being so involved that I still fell guilty to play other paths.
I think about it, I love the story and also if there is no real coincidence between my real life and his virtual one I understood he, his fears, his feelings, and I love him.
I also learned some things, probably next time I'll find out a kind boy I won't go out with him for a few months without declaring my love, or I will be the one to try to comfort Lilly in the future.
But for now, before I'll shut of my laptop and I'll go to bed
THE END

As I said, my first FF ever (not only about KS) so any kind of feedback is welcome... I meant ANY, ok?

As someone of you may imagine I took an (huge) inspiration by a fanart I found some times ago, I'll post it And I tried to write a story about my favourite character in that alternate universe.

The first part, about Hanako and her relationships with the friends she's kept from Yamaku days, is nice and sweet. The part where she plays Katawa Shounen is something that doesn't go well with the first part, although you can try to make it fit. I think it's because the first part seems natural and the second part seems forced.

Also, you might want to find an editor. My use of English has been improved by the fine people around here. Some are kind enough to do it without being asked. Some are kind enough to do it if you PM them.

Well, the first part opened some interesting plotlines (the rumoured layoffs, Hisao's declining health etc.) and hinted at additional characters (Naomi, those "other friends" se mentions).
After that part I noticed that this was already half the story and I wondered how you would resolve all of them…
Well, you didn't. You simply broke off the story after what would usually be considered a prologue or introductory chapter.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I don't suggest you write an epic for your first try at fanfiction - that's a trap too many fall into. The story's scope was probably exactly right for you. It's just that the chapter raised expectations that ultimately weren't met.

As for the part about the editor I agree with brythain. English doesn't seem to be your native language, so it might be a good idea to look for a proofreader/editor for future projects.

I agree with brythain, the first part was better. The main thing wrong I noticed were the many grammatical errors, but that can be significantly minimized simply by getting an editor. For a first piece, it wasn't bad.

I enjoyed this piece, I think you did a good job emphasizing certain elements, and you seem to have your characters down pat. That said, I do have to agree with what other people have said; the two chapters seem very disconnected, and there were a number of grammatical errors, to the extent that by the end of chapter 2 it was becoming difficult to understand what you meant. With that said, you seem to have a very good idea of what you want to write, you just need, as people said, someone to pick out the errors for you.

So, because I enjoyed reading this, and because I certainly have the spare time, I offer myself if you need someone to read through your writing - send me a private message and I'd be glad to help you out, if you so desire.

Thanks really a lot for spending your time reading and commenting it.

brythain wrote:The first part, about Hanako and her relationships with the friends she's kept from Yamaku days, is nice and sweet. The part where she plays Katawa Shounen is something that doesn't go well with the first part, although you can try to make it fit. I think it's because the first part seems natural and the second part seems forced.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, the first part opened some interesting plotlines (the rumoured layoffs, Hisao's declining health etc.) and hinted at additional characters (Naomi, those "other friends" se mentions).
After that part I noticed that this was already half the story and I wondered how you would resolve all of them…
Well, you didn't. You simply broke off the story after what would usually be considered a prologue or introductory chapter.
... It's just that the chapter raised expectations that ultimately weren't met.

AntonSlavik020 wrote:I agree with brythain, the first part was better.

As I said in the last post with the picture, I had the inspiration to write a story starting from the pic, so my first step was building the final part of the story. After focusing on it I thought I had to create an introductive background to make it plausible. Probably I aimed too high on building the background, or after I wrote it I went too abruptly to the final (or maybe I made a nasty combination of both things) with an unbalanced outcome as result.
Reading it more times, after you expressed your doubts, I acknowledge that there is a noticeable gap between the "introductive" part and the final part, probably due to the fact I understimated a lot I had some concepts in my mind that seemed clear to me, but from readers' side I developed only partially (or maybe just implied) in the final writing.

Mirage_GSM wrote: Now, don't misunderstand me. I don't suggest you write an epic for your first try at fanfiction - that's a trap too many fall into. The story's scope was probably exactly right for you. It's just that the chapter raised expectations that ultimately weren't met.

Yep, I also thought it so it was my intention to start with a short one. But as I said, I felt it should have been a solid beginning to avoid writing an unintelligible story, so I ended with an uneven mix between a more detailed introductive part and the final purpose that wasn't so bad in my mind... but my mind isn't the real world

brythain wrote: Also, you might want to find an editor. My use of English has been improved by the fine people around here. Some are kind enough to do it without being asked. Some are kind enough to do it if you PM them.

Mirage_GSM wrote: As for the part about the editor I agree with brythain. English doesn't seem to be your native language, so it might be a good idea to look for a proofreader/editor for future projects.

AntonSlavik020 wrote:The main thing wrong I noticed were the many grammatical errors, but that can be significantly minimized simply by getting an editor. For a first piece, it wasn't bad.

Craftyatom wrote: So, because I enjoyed reading this, and because I certainly have the spare time, I offer myself if you need someone to read through your writing - send me a private message and I'd be glad to help you out, if you so desire.

Yeah, I was kinda hasty to start write a story and share it that I honestly I don't even thought to search an editor (and as you correctly supposed, English isnt' my native language). I have to admit, big mistake here
As the bolded part by Craftyatom now I would take some time to decide if it's better to try to rewrite (or at least work again on) it before trying a new one. In both cases I'm glad for your offer and I'll contact you. Thanks really a lot.