Developments, Chapter 45
Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 10:23 pm
When I get to the main building, my first stop is the cafeteria. Even if Lilly won't come to the tea room, she does have to eat, and since she didn't come with me to the convenience store there's a chance she'll be here. However, when I enter, there are only a couple of boys that I don't recognize, and I get my lunch as quickly as possible to avoid their curiosity.
When I arrive at the tea room, I see that Hisao is already there. He looks more than a little rough, and I wonder if that's because of his meeting with Lilly yesterday. "Hey, Hanako," he says listlessly, although he at least tries to smile.
"Hisao, you're here early again. Is everything...all right?"
Hisao sighs, what little there was of his smile fading. "Well, I didn't sleep very well last night. I think I told you my medications mess with my sleep patterns." I nod, and he continues, "After that, I had another tense run with Emi this morning. I didn't feel up to trying to talk to her, not after yesterday." Hisao takes a deep breath and leans back in his chair. "I take it you haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, either."
"No," I say, coming over to sit down next to Hisao. "I tried, yesterday, but she w-wasn't in her room. Tezuka s-said I should try before or after...your run, but today I..." I stop myself short as I realize that I've never told Hisao about my therapy sessions. I can feel Hisao's eyes on me, and I know by now that I should be able to trust him with this. It's just not something I can say casually – not yet. "...I h-had...an appointment. I'll try again tomorrow."
Coward.
Hisao raises an eyebrow, saying, "Well, it's probably for the best. Emi seemed like she was out of sorts again today anyway."
I knew he wouldn't press me on the issue, which makes me feel even worse about not saying anything. I doubt he'd think any less of me if I told him, and I will tell him, when the time is right. Besides, Lilly's known for quite a while, and it's not as though that's why she treats me like she does.
It...isn't, is it?
"Oh...well, maybe tomorrow w-would be better then." With that subject having run its course, the next one is obvious. Still, I hesitate before broaching it, knowing it will be sensitive, probably for both of us. Still, now that I have the opportunity, I want to know how things played out yesterday. "H-how did things go with...Lilly?"
Hisao sighs and looks down, and for a split second my nightmare flashes before my eyes, and I'm terrified of what his answer will be.
Maybe Lilly is just outside, waiting to come in at the right moment to start laughing at me...
No. I trust Hisao more than that.
Then why didn't I tell him about the therapy sessions?
Finally, Hisao answers me, pulling me out of my spiral. "I wish I could say for sure. Better than I'd hoped, I think. I told her that you'd told me how she felt, and I told her that my feelings hadn't changed."
I fight back a relieved smile at the news, but then realize what that might mean. "Did she seem...upset by it?"
Hisao thinks for a moment before looking back up at me. "I don't think so, but this is Lilly we're talking about. If she was upset, she wouldn't let on if she could help it."
I frown at that, because I know it all too well. "Good point. She definitely wouldn't t-tell you." Now I really want to talk to Lilly. If she feels like she's been rejected by both of us, she must be feeling pretty lonely right now. "Hisao, have you s-seen Lilly today?"
"No, I haven't seen her since she left The Shanghai yesterday. Why?"
"I had something I wanted to tell her, but...she's not answering her door. Y-Yoshimura said she left earlier this morning."
"Have you tried to call her?"
"She...already has a phone?"
"No, she just never got rid of her old one, apparently."
"Okay, let me check..." I reach into my bag for my phone to make sure I haven't deleted the number. As I do, I wonder why she still has her phone. Was she always intending to come back? I only have a few numbers, so Lilly's is easy to find. "S-still there. Do you...mind if I try to call now?"
"Not at all," he says as he gets up. "I'll start the tea."
I dial the number, but it goes to voice mail after just a couple of rings. "No good. Of course, after y-yesterday, she...might not answer my call at all."
"You're worried about her," Hisao says matter-of-factly. I nod in response, and he replies, "Lilly figured you would be. Seems like you two are doing the same thing you and I were doing these past couple weeks, each blaming yourself for what happened." Hisao laughs a bit. "As she also said, all three of us are quite good at that. Anyway, since we only seemed to make any progress face to face, I wouldn't be surprised if that's true of you and Lilly, too."
"That's...true," I say, and I see Hisao shaking his head. "What is it?"
"I was just thinking that this felt familiar, and I just realized why. It reminds me of the day Lilly told me she was coming back, and she was worried because she couldn't reach you." I wince at the memory, and Hisao says, "Sorry, I know that wasn't any of our best moments, either."
I smile bitterly, knowing the truth of that statement. The lesser part of me would prefer to blame Lilly, and right now it's threatening to overwhelm me again. I really need to talk to her as soon as I can, before that particular paranoia overtakes me. "In that case, I'd better...see if I can s-straighten things out. Would you be...upset if I skipped our lunch today?"
"Under the circumstances, I'd be kind of a jerk to say no," Hisao says with a smile. Then he laughs softly, causing me to look at him quizzically. "Sorry again. I was just thinking that it seems like a lot of people are running away from me lately. At least this time it wouldn't be my fault."
Running away...
"Do you...still blame yourself for what's been happening with Emi?"
Hisao grins, saying, "Well, that is what I'm good at doing, right?" He sighs again before continuing, "At this point, I'm not even sure if I should blame myself or not. She said that I'm what's bothering her, but I don't know what it means. I guess I should just forget about it until something changes, but...well, it's frustrating. For all I know, it could still be about her falling on me that day."
"Right...p-putting up the poster. But you said you...told her...it didn't cause a problem, right?"
"Yeah, I did, but given how spooked she seemed to be, I'm not sure she even heard me." Hisao sighs heavily and turns to stare out the window. "Sometimes I wonder if I even want to keep running with Emi, you know? If this is how it's going to be, with her pushing me aside, not talking to me about anything, it's just going to get harder. I'm not sure I can keep doing this for two more weeks."
"But...w-what would you do instead?"
Hisao turns to look back at me. "Instead? Heh...I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I suppose I could talk to the nurse and see what options I have. He said something about there being a pool here. He also said I'd be okay if I just made sure to walk more. Eh, maybe Emi had the right idea after all. She always said that I wouldn't always have someone to run with, and that I should be prepared for when it happens." Hisao shrugs before continuing, "Maybe this is that time."
Listening to Hisao, I hear the resignation rising in his voice, and it starts to scare me a little. I know all too well how hard it is to break bad habits once they set in, and how easy it is to slip back into them. From what Hisao told me, up until his heart attack he was never very active outside of playing pickup games of soccer. After he got here, the most strenuous thing he did was carrying supplies for the festival. A couple of weeks of running aren't going to be enough to change that kind of habit, especially if he tries to do it on his own.
Of course, I don't exactly have room to criticize him for developing that habit. Even before the accident, I don't think my friends and I ever played anything more strenuous than otedama. Afterwards, I tended to seek out activities that involved as few people as possible, and the orphanage didn't have much in the way of athletic facilities. We had an old billiard table that somebody had donated years before, and over the years I taught myself as best I could, just like I have with chess. My mind may have gotten its share of exercise, but my body not so much. Maybe someday, with some guidance, I could help Hisao properly, but by then it might be too late. If he does fall back into his old habits...
Damn it, he NEEDS Emi, at least for now.
Maybe...we both do.
"Don't...give up on things yet, Hisao. At least...give me a chance to t-talk to her."
Hisao looks back at me and smiles. "I'm not giving up on anything yet. I really don't want it to get to that point, but if it does, I want to be ready, you know?" There's an unmistakable sadness in his voice as he says this, but it brightens a bit as he continues. "So, do you want me to help you look for Lilly?"
Relieved by the change of subject, I reply, "No...I don't think that would work, especially if she really is avoiding you."
"Yeah, true. I suppose if she's avoiding you, too, it'd be easier to avoid us both if we were together," Hisao says with a wink, and I giggle a bit. He puts a hand on my shoulder and says, more seriously, "I wouldn't start worrying too much just yet. Most likely Lilly just needs some time to process things. I think you and I can both relate to that." I nod, and he continues, "Still, it probably wouldn't hurt if I stayed here for a while in case she does show up, then I can call you if that happens. I can grab something from the cafeteria later."
"Are you...sure that's okay?" Hisao nods, and I smile. "Thanks, Hisao," I say, and on the spur of the moment I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. He smiles back at me, a little red in his cheeks, and I continue, "I'll...give you a call if I find her. Otherwise, I'll see you...back here tomorrow, okay?"
"R-right," he says, regaining his composure quickly. It's been a long time since I've seen Hisao be shy like that. I think it suits him, just a little. "See you tomorrow."
I walk out of the tea room, glancing back at Hisao with a smile. Once I'm in the hallway, though, my brain decides to revisit my conversation with Miss Yumi. I'm still not sure what it meant, but she told me to think about why I expressed my reasons for loving Hisao in the way that I did. I look back at the door to the tea room, and my heart is filled with the feelings I have when I'm with him. Don't those feelings exist because of the qualities I see in him? Is there something I'm missing here, and if so, why didn't Miss Yumi spell it out for me?
As I walk down the stairs, I realize that the good mood that had been building up has now come crashing back down. Cursing myself, I come out of the stairwell and nearly run into someone. I jump backwards and realize that, in the best form of irony I could conceive, it's Emi. "E-Emi! I was..." For all that I want to keep looking for Lilly right now, I can't pass up this chance to talk to my other quarry. "Um, I need to talk to you about something."
"I know, Rin told me," Emi replies, her eyes darting up and down the corridor in a way I easily recognize. "Can we do this another time? I need to get home."
I pause for a moment. Admittedly, I would have preferred to be more ready for this conversation when it happened, so the offer to postpone it is a tempting one. I just can't trust that if I accept, I'll get another chance. "Okay...I need to find Lilly anyway, but...c-can I ask you...one question?"
Emi fidgets a little, but then puts on a smile that makes Lilly's look earnest. "Yeah, okay."
Since I only gave myself one question, I have to make it count. "Why are you...giving up?"
The façade shows a few cracks at that question. "What do you mean, giving up?"
The lack of deftness in that dodge is equal parts annoying and refreshing. Since I don't have the luxury of wasting time, I forge ahead. "Hisao told me you've been...pushing him away. Why would you do that?"
"Um," Emi says nervously, "Hanako, are you sure you wanna have this conversation right now?"
If Emi weren't on edge like this, I'd almost think I was talking to Lilly. "Yes, I'm sure...before you do any more d-damage! Don't you understand that it's hurting him?"
Emi closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "It might hurt now...but in the long run everyone will be better off."
Better off? BETTER OFF?!
I thought she understood. I really did. Maybe I'm talking to Lilly after all. "Let me guess. You think he'll be better off with me than with you? You think I'll be better off with him than without him? You think I can't fight for him by myself, because I...because I'm just a useless person?"
"Whoa, wait a second, I don't think you're useless..."
Liar.
"Of course you do! Everybody else does! I know Lilly does! Maybe even Hisao does! You think you can help me by giving him up for my sake? That's what you want, isn't it? Because I'm a broken person who can't do anything on her own?!"
I'm all set for Emi to start retreating, just like Lilly did, just like Emi did before, but instead Emi's face twists up, her eyes full of anger. "YOU'RE BROKEN?!" My eyes go wide at Emi's voice. It's been a long time since anyone let themselves get angry at me. "You think you're broken? You're the lucky one, Hanako!"
Lucky? ME? What...
"At least nobody wants to fix you because they think you need fixing!"
Yes they do...Lilly does it, my therapists have all done it, and...I thought...you were...but...you're not...are you?
"You get people to stay away from you without even trying! The minute somebody gets to know me, they think they have to come riding in to my rescue!"
They...think...what?
"I'm just trying to stop Hisao from feeling the same way..."
Maybe...maybe she does understand...maybe she understands...better than I ever thought she could...
"...because if I tell him why I'm not talking to him, he's going to..."
"...feel sorry for you?" I say, finishing her thought, because it's the most familiar thought in the world. It stops Emi short, and I can see the same recognition in her eyes.
I know you.
Emi doesn't say anything as we look at each other, and I know she knows me now, too. After a long pause, she breaks the silence by saying, much more quietly, "Y-yeah, I...I guess...look, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but it's just...I'd...I never wanted to do that to you, Hanako. I never want to do that to Hisao, either. I'm...I'm not giving him up for your sake. I'm giving him up for his."
That part takes me by surprise. The solid ground I was standing on just a moment ago has been yanked away, and I suddenly feel like we're both in a wide open space, flailing to find it again. Feeling vulnerable, I start my own retreat, tugging at my fringe and glancing around for the easiest way to exit if I need to, just like she was earlier. "W-what do you mean?" I ask, my stammer surfacing again as well.
Emi looks away from me, too, looking down at the floor. "I'm...I'm just not good for him, okay? If I can get myself away from him...maybe...maybe he'll live longer."
What. What? WHAT?!
How...how can she even think that? Hisao might not even be alive right now if it wasn't for her. I steady myself as best I can, but even then my next words come out as barely more than a whisper. "I don't think he would."
Emi looks back up at me, confusion written in large print on her face. "Huh?"
That's right, she actually might not know what Hisao was like before he started running. She wasn't really part of his life once he started hanging out with Lilly and me. I'm still flustered, and at the thought of Lilly I briefly wish she was here to do this instead of me. As it is, I'm struggling just to keep myself from running away, but right here, right now, I'm the only one who can do this. I have to do this.
"You saw...what he was like when he was with Lilly. He didn't exercise, he'd...forget his medicine. He only runs because...he likes to run with you. I...maybe someday, I might, but I c-couldn't do that for him now."
Emi smiles faintly, but sincerely, as she says, "Hey, you know, if you want to, I could..."
"No, it...just wouldn't work. Not..."
My voice trails off, but Emi seems to pick up on what I wanted to say. "Yeah, okay, I getcha, but I might hold you to that someday," she replies with a wink.
I might just hold you to it myself.
"Look," she continues, "I said I'd keep running with him until break. Then maybe I could talk Miki into helping out. I..."
"M-Miura?" I say with a slight gasp. I've spoken with her a couple of times, but my memories of her mostly consist of a dark-skinned girl constantly staring out the window during class. My heart sinks at the prospect. "She doesn't...seem like the type who'd want to train anybody." In fact, I can't think of anyone less suited to providing the kind of motivation Hisao needs, except maybe the girl who sits next to her who's asleep half the time.
Although I think her issue is at least medically related.
Emi seems to agree, as she immediately responds, "Heh...well, maybe not. Nobody on that team is as dedicated to running as I am. Maybe that girl from 3-1 who's always in the pool could..."
In a way, I can appreciate what she's doing. I could see fear in her eyes a little while ago, and even if I don't know its source I can relate to it. Still, there's something that scares me even more, and it probably scares her, too. I need to get through this without breaking down, and maybe a little of that desperation slips out with my next words. "Emi, w-why can't you do it? You're...his best chance."
Emi's response might be the last thing I expected to hear under the circumstances. "Because...I'm also his worst chance."
Adding incredulity to the list of things I'm feeling right now, I'm reduced to a monosyllabic reply. "What?"
Emi takes a deep breath, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Look, you were there when I ran into Hisao in the hallway right after he transferred in. The other day, after we went into town shopping for stuff for his room, it happened again. I fell onto him and nearly gave him another heart attack. And then you know what happened last week, when I found him out collapsed on the track? He wouldn't have even been in that position if I didn't tell him running would clear his head...shit, if I wasn't encouraging him to run in the first place! It's like I'm a walking danger zone! Damn it, Hakamichi was right about me..."
Oh...oh, no...Emi, no...
Hisao was right, she didn't hear him, or maybe just didn't believe him. I just hope I can get through to her. "No! That's...Emi, w-what are you talking about? Other than the time he collapsed, has he had...even one problem since he started running? Before that...he was having one...every week, just from walking, or getting...worked up! And y-you fell onto him and NOTHING HAPPENED!"
I think I might have gotten through a little too forcefully, because Emi backs away from me a couple of steps. "But..." she starts hesitantly, but I can't let her interrupt me. If she does, I might lose my resolve, and I can't let that happen. If it does, the alternative might be...well...
The alternative is to lose somebody else that I love, just as I was learning that I could still love someone. Don't take that away from me...
"I love Hisao, but I c-can't love him if he's...if..."
My emotions are getting the better of me, and I can't even get the words to come out. I try to keep pushing myself past the stammer, praying that I can keep myself from going into a full-on attack. Time seems to slow down...
...I close my eyes, take a deep breath...
...I still don't know why, but I see Tezuka's scroll again...
...and then I feel something I didn't expect in a universe of time...
...I feel something wrapping around me, and warmth against me, and...
...I smell...
...strawberries?
I open my eyes again, and I see one of Emi's twin tails against the right side of my neck, where I couldn't feel it. Slowly, hesitantly, I bring my arms around Emi to return the hug she's giving me. I try to speak, fully expecting my stammer to be out in full force. "I'm...sorry, E-Emi. I just...no matter what happens, I w-want Hisao to have the best chance at...being alive. Right now, that means...you need to keep him going."
I've been pulled back from the brink, but I'm not entirely off the edge. Emi might not be doing much better, as I can feel her shaking, too. "I know...I know you think that's how it is, Hanako. You want me to be the one who saves him? So did I. I just can't save him if..." She pauses, and I can feel her gathering herself. "I can't be the one that saves him, if I'm the one that kills him..."
I gasp slightly at the implication of that. Does Emi really think that way? I hope not, but I don't have much left to try and convince her that she's wrong. I push Emi away enough to look her in the eye, and I summon every last bit of strength I've got. "Emi, if you don't try and save him, he'll die anyway. He'll die a lot sooner." She opens her mouth, but I know that if I let her interrupt I'll never finish what I'm saying.
I can do this.
"You know it's true, I...
I CAN DO THIS.
"...see it in your eyes. So...just...think about it. I..."
I. CAN. DO. THIS.
"...have to go do something, but please...think about it."
After saying that, I turn and start to walk away as quickly and calmly as I can. Emi stands there, unmoving, and says something that I can't hear. I keep going until I reach the door.
I...did it?
As soon as I do, I head back to my dorm as quickly as I possibly can.
I did it.
I get back to my room and collapse onto my bed, closing my eyes and smiling just a little bit.
I DID IT!
For a while, I just lie back in my bed, allowing myself to hang on to the feeling of having been able to talk to Emi like that without having had the opportunity to prepare myself. I may have barely gotten through it without panicking, but after what happened yesterday with Yoshimura, it felt so good. In the end, I can only hope that it had the effect it needed to have, but Emi and I shared something back there, something that felt...almost like what Hisao and I have come to share over these past few weeks. Maybe there really is something we can build on, just...not yet.
Unfortunately, I have to push that thought to the back of my head, because I still have another relationship to salvage. Keeping as still as I can, I listen for any sign that Lilly might be in her room. I stay that way for several minutes until I hear footsteps coming down the hall. I briefly get anxious before realizing that it can't be Lilly, since there's no corresponding tapping sound. That means it's Yoshimura, or maybe someone visiting her. She does have more than her share of visitors, I've noticed.
I hear the familiar sound of her door opening and closing, so I wait a few minutes more after that. Still not hearing anything else, I decide to try knocking on Lilly's door again. There's still no answer, and I wonder if she might have gone to the convenience store herself, or maybe even into the city for some shopping.
The way we were supposed to be doing.
Even if she did that, there's nothing I can do about it now. That I'm still thinking that way means I'm dwelling on this too much, and I need something to occupy my mind. I pick one of my books off the shelf that I haven't read too recently and try to settle in for the rest of the afternoon.
The hours go by quietly, with only the occasional sound from outside filtering in. I try to keep myself focused, but every one of those occasional sounds jolts me out of my immersion until I can confirm that it's not Lilly. Eventually, I walk down to the unoccupied common room to fix myself a light meal, keeping my eyes and ears attuned to the hallway. I laugh at myself for being like this, but I also know that every moment that goes by is a missed opportunity.
I return to my room, eat, and then resume reading. Eventually, the sounds of people wandering around outside fade away, allowing me to return to the literary world. It apparently also allows me to lose track of time, because when I look over at the clock, I see that it's past curfew, which jolts me back to reality. It's possible I missed Lilly returning, so I try knocking on her door once more, but the result is the same. I then head back to the common room, but there's nobody there, either.
I've never known Lilly to be out by herself this late, and now I officially start to worry a bit. I can feel my heart rate rising, and I know I need to do something to calm myself down. I consider calling Hisao, but after he told me about not getting any sleep last night I don't want to wake him up. Instead, I go over to my desk and pull out some Braille paper and punch out a quick note. I've only done this a couple of times so it takes a few tries to do it properly, but eventually I'm able to write "Come see me when you get back. Hanako," and place the note in the crack of her door, resting on the bolt. I then go back to my room and change into my nightgown, intending to try and get some sleep.
"Try" is all it is, because after several more hours of restlessness I turn to look at the clock again and see that it's after three in the morning. I haven't heard any sounds in the hallway since going to bed, but it's possible that I might have slept through something, so I quickly put on my slippers and open my door. I take a step out into the hallway, which is all it takes to see that the note I left for Lilly hasn't been touched. My heart leaps into my throat, and again I feel the panic start to rise inside me.
No, I can't let this happen. I need to think clearly.
I close the door and sit back down on my bed. I take several deep breaths, trying to keep my head clear so that I can figure out what I can do. I can't call Hisao...I could call the nurse's office, but they wouldn't tell me anything...
Wait...
There is one person I can call who should be home and awake right now, someone who might actually have some insight. Not for the first time, I wish I'd written to Akira since she left with Lilly. Now, the first time I'm contacting her, it's because I'm worried, and maybe unnecessarily so. Still, at this point, it's my only good option for getting some peace of mind, so I pull out my phone and dial the number for the Satou residence. It only rings a couple times before it's answered.
"Hey, Hanako!" Akira says, her wide grin obvious in her voice.
"Hi, Akira. How did you know it was...me?"
"Eh, when Lilly came back Mom finally got a phone with talking caller ID. Now we're stuck with it. Anyway, it's good to hear from ya, but you're calling pretty late, aren'tcha?"
"I...guess I am. I h-hope you don't mind."
"Nah, I don't if you don't," Akira says with a chuckle. "So how're things back in the old country? You and sis aren't still fighting, I hope."
"Oh, y-you know about that?"
"Yeah, she called me the other day all worked up about it. She was supposed to call me when her stuff got there yesterday, but I haven't heard from her. I figured she mighta been busy with you or Hisao and didn't have time."
I close my eyes and lower my head as I realize that I'm not going to get any immediate answers from Akira. "Actually, I...wanted to apologize to her, and I-I've been trying to find her all day. Now...it's almost f-four in the morning and she's still not in her room."
"Been waiting up for her all night, eh? I'd ask if you were her mom, but Mom hasn't been worried about her like that in ages. Still, that makes me wonder why you've been up all night. Something else must be goin' on. You wanna fill me in?"
"Well, she t-talked to Hisao yesterday..." I start to explain, but Akira quickly interrupts.
"Ah, I see. So she did get together with the kid, huh? Let me guess: he told her he was over her, and it didn't go over well, right?"
"Hisao said...she w-wasn't upset, but you know Lilly."
"Heh, yeah, I think too well sometimes. Still, I've never known her to stay out all night like this," Akira says, sounding like she's thinking out loud. "The question is: if she did, where would she go?"
"R-right..."
"Hmmm...well...if she was with anyone in the family, I'd know about it by now. At this point I doubt she'd want to see any of them anyway. Although...nah, that'd never happen."
"Wh-what would never happen?"
"Well, last time we talked, she said cousin Shizune had paid her a visit. It's a long shot, but she might know something."
"I...could t-try and talk to her in the morning."
There's silence for a moment on the other end of the line. "Ya know, I didn't expect to hear you say that so easily. I guess Lilly wasn't kidding when she said you'd come a long way while she was gone." Listening to Akira say that, I feel a little embarrassed by it, so I don't respond. After a bit, she continues, "Well, anyway, if you do that, I've got a couple other ideas I can check into. Problem is, I can't do it until it's morning over there. Think you can sit tight until then?"
"I...d-don't really have a choice, do I?"
"Well, if you feel like waking up some of the bigwigs at Dad's company, I'll be happy to give you some phone numbers."
"Haha, no thanks," I reply. Just by talking to me like she always does, Akira has gone a long way toward putting my mind...well, not quite at ease, but at least a little more settled.
"Good call. So...listen, you sound like you're a little frazzled, not to mention wide awake. You wanna chat for a while, maybe try and relax a little bit? I wouldn't mind gettin' some news from that side of the world from someone that isn't family."
"That would be...nice, Akira, thanks."
"Yeah, hey, let me just call you back real quick. This doesn't need to be on your bill, after all." Again, I'm thankful, and when she calls back we pick up right where we left off. "So, the big question first: how are things with you and Hisao?"
I smile as I remember Hisao's face after I kissed him earlier. "They're good...I think. For once, I...feel like we might be on the same page."
"Heh...well, that's better than the last time I heard, at least. Y'know, with everything I've heard from Lils the past couple weeks, I haven't known what to think about a lot of it. Hell, I'm still not sure I know, but I just want to say that if there's anyone I'd trust to look after my sister – after myself, of course – it's you two. Since I can't be there, I'm counting on you guys to make sure she's all right."
"Akira..."
"Eh, sorry, I didn't mean to get so sentimental. Of course, Lilly was the one who said she felt like you two were her family, and if you can't trust family to take care of ya, then...well, heh, anyway, how's things going with that newspaper club?"
Akira and I chat for another half an hour or so before I finally start to drift off. Even though her tone was light throughout our conversation, I could tell she's worried about her sister, at least a little bit. Then again, she is Lilly's sister, and can be just as good, if not better, at hiding herself. They might look totally different on the surface, but Akira's a lot more like her sister than she lets on.
Before we hang up, Akira promises to call me before she goes to bed to let me know what she finds out. I'm still worried, but there's not much more I can do right now. Still, something Akira said weighs heavily on me: that Lilly thinks of us as a family. Given how Akira feels about her parents, and how she talked about her mother earlier, she probably has more faith in us – in me – than she does in them. That's more than a little daunting, and I just hope I can live up to those expectations.
As I finally drift off to sleep, one thought goes through my head.
All these people suddenly have faith in me, yet the person for whom I'm trying the hardest...is the one who doesn't.
~~~~
Previous | Next
When I arrive at the tea room, I see that Hisao is already there. He looks more than a little rough, and I wonder if that's because of his meeting with Lilly yesterday. "Hey, Hanako," he says listlessly, although he at least tries to smile.
"Hisao, you're here early again. Is everything...all right?"
Hisao sighs, what little there was of his smile fading. "Well, I didn't sleep very well last night. I think I told you my medications mess with my sleep patterns." I nod, and he continues, "After that, I had another tense run with Emi this morning. I didn't feel up to trying to talk to her, not after yesterday." Hisao takes a deep breath and leans back in his chair. "I take it you haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, either."
"No," I say, coming over to sit down next to Hisao. "I tried, yesterday, but she w-wasn't in her room. Tezuka s-said I should try before or after...your run, but today I..." I stop myself short as I realize that I've never told Hisao about my therapy sessions. I can feel Hisao's eyes on me, and I know by now that I should be able to trust him with this. It's just not something I can say casually – not yet. "...I h-had...an appointment. I'll try again tomorrow."
Coward.
Hisao raises an eyebrow, saying, "Well, it's probably for the best. Emi seemed like she was out of sorts again today anyway."
I knew he wouldn't press me on the issue, which makes me feel even worse about not saying anything. I doubt he'd think any less of me if I told him, and I will tell him, when the time is right. Besides, Lilly's known for quite a while, and it's not as though that's why she treats me like she does.
It...isn't, is it?
"Oh...well, maybe tomorrow w-would be better then." With that subject having run its course, the next one is obvious. Still, I hesitate before broaching it, knowing it will be sensitive, probably for both of us. Still, now that I have the opportunity, I want to know how things played out yesterday. "H-how did things go with...Lilly?"
Hisao sighs and looks down, and for a split second my nightmare flashes before my eyes, and I'm terrified of what his answer will be.
Maybe Lilly is just outside, waiting to come in at the right moment to start laughing at me...
No. I trust Hisao more than that.
Then why didn't I tell him about the therapy sessions?
Finally, Hisao answers me, pulling me out of my spiral. "I wish I could say for sure. Better than I'd hoped, I think. I told her that you'd told me how she felt, and I told her that my feelings hadn't changed."
I fight back a relieved smile at the news, but then realize what that might mean. "Did she seem...upset by it?"
Hisao thinks for a moment before looking back up at me. "I don't think so, but this is Lilly we're talking about. If she was upset, she wouldn't let on if she could help it."
I frown at that, because I know it all too well. "Good point. She definitely wouldn't t-tell you." Now I really want to talk to Lilly. If she feels like she's been rejected by both of us, she must be feeling pretty lonely right now. "Hisao, have you s-seen Lilly today?"
"No, I haven't seen her since she left The Shanghai yesterday. Why?"
"I had something I wanted to tell her, but...she's not answering her door. Y-Yoshimura said she left earlier this morning."
"Have you tried to call her?"
"She...already has a phone?"
"No, she just never got rid of her old one, apparently."
"Okay, let me check..." I reach into my bag for my phone to make sure I haven't deleted the number. As I do, I wonder why she still has her phone. Was she always intending to come back? I only have a few numbers, so Lilly's is easy to find. "S-still there. Do you...mind if I try to call now?"
"Not at all," he says as he gets up. "I'll start the tea."
I dial the number, but it goes to voice mail after just a couple of rings. "No good. Of course, after y-yesterday, she...might not answer my call at all."
"You're worried about her," Hisao says matter-of-factly. I nod in response, and he replies, "Lilly figured you would be. Seems like you two are doing the same thing you and I were doing these past couple weeks, each blaming yourself for what happened." Hisao laughs a bit. "As she also said, all three of us are quite good at that. Anyway, since we only seemed to make any progress face to face, I wouldn't be surprised if that's true of you and Lilly, too."
"That's...true," I say, and I see Hisao shaking his head. "What is it?"
"I was just thinking that this felt familiar, and I just realized why. It reminds me of the day Lilly told me she was coming back, and she was worried because she couldn't reach you." I wince at the memory, and Hisao says, "Sorry, I know that wasn't any of our best moments, either."
I smile bitterly, knowing the truth of that statement. The lesser part of me would prefer to blame Lilly, and right now it's threatening to overwhelm me again. I really need to talk to her as soon as I can, before that particular paranoia overtakes me. "In that case, I'd better...see if I can s-straighten things out. Would you be...upset if I skipped our lunch today?"
"Under the circumstances, I'd be kind of a jerk to say no," Hisao says with a smile. Then he laughs softly, causing me to look at him quizzically. "Sorry again. I was just thinking that it seems like a lot of people are running away from me lately. At least this time it wouldn't be my fault."
Running away...
"Do you...still blame yourself for what's been happening with Emi?"
Hisao grins, saying, "Well, that is what I'm good at doing, right?" He sighs again before continuing, "At this point, I'm not even sure if I should blame myself or not. She said that I'm what's bothering her, but I don't know what it means. I guess I should just forget about it until something changes, but...well, it's frustrating. For all I know, it could still be about her falling on me that day."
"Right...p-putting up the poster. But you said you...told her...it didn't cause a problem, right?"
"Yeah, I did, but given how spooked she seemed to be, I'm not sure she even heard me." Hisao sighs heavily and turns to stare out the window. "Sometimes I wonder if I even want to keep running with Emi, you know? If this is how it's going to be, with her pushing me aside, not talking to me about anything, it's just going to get harder. I'm not sure I can keep doing this for two more weeks."
"But...w-what would you do instead?"
Hisao turns to look back at me. "Instead? Heh...I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I suppose I could talk to the nurse and see what options I have. He said something about there being a pool here. He also said I'd be okay if I just made sure to walk more. Eh, maybe Emi had the right idea after all. She always said that I wouldn't always have someone to run with, and that I should be prepared for when it happens." Hisao shrugs before continuing, "Maybe this is that time."
Listening to Hisao, I hear the resignation rising in his voice, and it starts to scare me a little. I know all too well how hard it is to break bad habits once they set in, and how easy it is to slip back into them. From what Hisao told me, up until his heart attack he was never very active outside of playing pickup games of soccer. After he got here, the most strenuous thing he did was carrying supplies for the festival. A couple of weeks of running aren't going to be enough to change that kind of habit, especially if he tries to do it on his own.
Of course, I don't exactly have room to criticize him for developing that habit. Even before the accident, I don't think my friends and I ever played anything more strenuous than otedama. Afterwards, I tended to seek out activities that involved as few people as possible, and the orphanage didn't have much in the way of athletic facilities. We had an old billiard table that somebody had donated years before, and over the years I taught myself as best I could, just like I have with chess. My mind may have gotten its share of exercise, but my body not so much. Maybe someday, with some guidance, I could help Hisao properly, but by then it might be too late. If he does fall back into his old habits...
Damn it, he NEEDS Emi, at least for now.
Maybe...we both do.
"Don't...give up on things yet, Hisao. At least...give me a chance to t-talk to her."
Hisao looks back at me and smiles. "I'm not giving up on anything yet. I really don't want it to get to that point, but if it does, I want to be ready, you know?" There's an unmistakable sadness in his voice as he says this, but it brightens a bit as he continues. "So, do you want me to help you look for Lilly?"
Relieved by the change of subject, I reply, "No...I don't think that would work, especially if she really is avoiding you."
"Yeah, true. I suppose if she's avoiding you, too, it'd be easier to avoid us both if we were together," Hisao says with a wink, and I giggle a bit. He puts a hand on my shoulder and says, more seriously, "I wouldn't start worrying too much just yet. Most likely Lilly just needs some time to process things. I think you and I can both relate to that." I nod, and he continues, "Still, it probably wouldn't hurt if I stayed here for a while in case she does show up, then I can call you if that happens. I can grab something from the cafeteria later."
"Are you...sure that's okay?" Hisao nods, and I smile. "Thanks, Hisao," I say, and on the spur of the moment I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. He smiles back at me, a little red in his cheeks, and I continue, "I'll...give you a call if I find her. Otherwise, I'll see you...back here tomorrow, okay?"
"R-right," he says, regaining his composure quickly. It's been a long time since I've seen Hisao be shy like that. I think it suits him, just a little. "See you tomorrow."
I walk out of the tea room, glancing back at Hisao with a smile. Once I'm in the hallway, though, my brain decides to revisit my conversation with Miss Yumi. I'm still not sure what it meant, but she told me to think about why I expressed my reasons for loving Hisao in the way that I did. I look back at the door to the tea room, and my heart is filled with the feelings I have when I'm with him. Don't those feelings exist because of the qualities I see in him? Is there something I'm missing here, and if so, why didn't Miss Yumi spell it out for me?
As I walk down the stairs, I realize that the good mood that had been building up has now come crashing back down. Cursing myself, I come out of the stairwell and nearly run into someone. I jump backwards and realize that, in the best form of irony I could conceive, it's Emi. "E-Emi! I was..." For all that I want to keep looking for Lilly right now, I can't pass up this chance to talk to my other quarry. "Um, I need to talk to you about something."
"I know, Rin told me," Emi replies, her eyes darting up and down the corridor in a way I easily recognize. "Can we do this another time? I need to get home."
I pause for a moment. Admittedly, I would have preferred to be more ready for this conversation when it happened, so the offer to postpone it is a tempting one. I just can't trust that if I accept, I'll get another chance. "Okay...I need to find Lilly anyway, but...c-can I ask you...one question?"
Emi fidgets a little, but then puts on a smile that makes Lilly's look earnest. "Yeah, okay."
Since I only gave myself one question, I have to make it count. "Why are you...giving up?"
The façade shows a few cracks at that question. "What do you mean, giving up?"
The lack of deftness in that dodge is equal parts annoying and refreshing. Since I don't have the luxury of wasting time, I forge ahead. "Hisao told me you've been...pushing him away. Why would you do that?"
"Um," Emi says nervously, "Hanako, are you sure you wanna have this conversation right now?"
If Emi weren't on edge like this, I'd almost think I was talking to Lilly. "Yes, I'm sure...before you do any more d-damage! Don't you understand that it's hurting him?"
Emi closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "It might hurt now...but in the long run everyone will be better off."
Better off? BETTER OFF?!
I thought she understood. I really did. Maybe I'm talking to Lilly after all. "Let me guess. You think he'll be better off with me than with you? You think I'll be better off with him than without him? You think I can't fight for him by myself, because I...because I'm just a useless person?"
"Whoa, wait a second, I don't think you're useless..."
Liar.
"Of course you do! Everybody else does! I know Lilly does! Maybe even Hisao does! You think you can help me by giving him up for my sake? That's what you want, isn't it? Because I'm a broken person who can't do anything on her own?!"
I'm all set for Emi to start retreating, just like Lilly did, just like Emi did before, but instead Emi's face twists up, her eyes full of anger. "YOU'RE BROKEN?!" My eyes go wide at Emi's voice. It's been a long time since anyone let themselves get angry at me. "You think you're broken? You're the lucky one, Hanako!"
Lucky? ME? What...
"At least nobody wants to fix you because they think you need fixing!"
Yes they do...Lilly does it, my therapists have all done it, and...I thought...you were...but...you're not...are you?
"You get people to stay away from you without even trying! The minute somebody gets to know me, they think they have to come riding in to my rescue!"
They...think...what?
"I'm just trying to stop Hisao from feeling the same way..."
Maybe...maybe she does understand...maybe she understands...better than I ever thought she could...
"...because if I tell him why I'm not talking to him, he's going to..."
"...feel sorry for you?" I say, finishing her thought, because it's the most familiar thought in the world. It stops Emi short, and I can see the same recognition in her eyes.
I know you.
Emi doesn't say anything as we look at each other, and I know she knows me now, too. After a long pause, she breaks the silence by saying, much more quietly, "Y-yeah, I...I guess...look, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but it's just...I'd...I never wanted to do that to you, Hanako. I never want to do that to Hisao, either. I'm...I'm not giving him up for your sake. I'm giving him up for his."
That part takes me by surprise. The solid ground I was standing on just a moment ago has been yanked away, and I suddenly feel like we're both in a wide open space, flailing to find it again. Feeling vulnerable, I start my own retreat, tugging at my fringe and glancing around for the easiest way to exit if I need to, just like she was earlier. "W-what do you mean?" I ask, my stammer surfacing again as well.
Emi looks away from me, too, looking down at the floor. "I'm...I'm just not good for him, okay? If I can get myself away from him...maybe...maybe he'll live longer."
What. What? WHAT?!
How...how can she even think that? Hisao might not even be alive right now if it wasn't for her. I steady myself as best I can, but even then my next words come out as barely more than a whisper. "I don't think he would."
Emi looks back up at me, confusion written in large print on her face. "Huh?"
That's right, she actually might not know what Hisao was like before he started running. She wasn't really part of his life once he started hanging out with Lilly and me. I'm still flustered, and at the thought of Lilly I briefly wish she was here to do this instead of me. As it is, I'm struggling just to keep myself from running away, but right here, right now, I'm the only one who can do this. I have to do this.
"You saw...what he was like when he was with Lilly. He didn't exercise, he'd...forget his medicine. He only runs because...he likes to run with you. I...maybe someday, I might, but I c-couldn't do that for him now."
Emi smiles faintly, but sincerely, as she says, "Hey, you know, if you want to, I could..."
"No, it...just wouldn't work. Not..."
My voice trails off, but Emi seems to pick up on what I wanted to say. "Yeah, okay, I getcha, but I might hold you to that someday," she replies with a wink.
I might just hold you to it myself.
"Look," she continues, "I said I'd keep running with him until break. Then maybe I could talk Miki into helping out. I..."
"M-Miura?" I say with a slight gasp. I've spoken with her a couple of times, but my memories of her mostly consist of a dark-skinned girl constantly staring out the window during class. My heart sinks at the prospect. "She doesn't...seem like the type who'd want to train anybody." In fact, I can't think of anyone less suited to providing the kind of motivation Hisao needs, except maybe the girl who sits next to her who's asleep half the time.
Although I think her issue is at least medically related.
Emi seems to agree, as she immediately responds, "Heh...well, maybe not. Nobody on that team is as dedicated to running as I am. Maybe that girl from 3-1 who's always in the pool could..."
In a way, I can appreciate what she's doing. I could see fear in her eyes a little while ago, and even if I don't know its source I can relate to it. Still, there's something that scares me even more, and it probably scares her, too. I need to get through this without breaking down, and maybe a little of that desperation slips out with my next words. "Emi, w-why can't you do it? You're...his best chance."
Emi's response might be the last thing I expected to hear under the circumstances. "Because...I'm also his worst chance."
Adding incredulity to the list of things I'm feeling right now, I'm reduced to a monosyllabic reply. "What?"
Emi takes a deep breath, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Look, you were there when I ran into Hisao in the hallway right after he transferred in. The other day, after we went into town shopping for stuff for his room, it happened again. I fell onto him and nearly gave him another heart attack. And then you know what happened last week, when I found him out collapsed on the track? He wouldn't have even been in that position if I didn't tell him running would clear his head...shit, if I wasn't encouraging him to run in the first place! It's like I'm a walking danger zone! Damn it, Hakamichi was right about me..."
Oh...oh, no...Emi, no...
Hisao was right, she didn't hear him, or maybe just didn't believe him. I just hope I can get through to her. "No! That's...Emi, w-what are you talking about? Other than the time he collapsed, has he had...even one problem since he started running? Before that...he was having one...every week, just from walking, or getting...worked up! And y-you fell onto him and NOTHING HAPPENED!"
I think I might have gotten through a little too forcefully, because Emi backs away from me a couple of steps. "But..." she starts hesitantly, but I can't let her interrupt me. If she does, I might lose my resolve, and I can't let that happen. If it does, the alternative might be...well...
The alternative is to lose somebody else that I love, just as I was learning that I could still love someone. Don't take that away from me...
"I love Hisao, but I c-can't love him if he's...if..."
My emotions are getting the better of me, and I can't even get the words to come out. I try to keep pushing myself past the stammer, praying that I can keep myself from going into a full-on attack. Time seems to slow down...
...I close my eyes, take a deep breath...
...I still don't know why, but I see Tezuka's scroll again...
...and then I feel something I didn't expect in a universe of time...
...I feel something wrapping around me, and warmth against me, and...
...I smell...
...strawberries?
I open my eyes again, and I see one of Emi's twin tails against the right side of my neck, where I couldn't feel it. Slowly, hesitantly, I bring my arms around Emi to return the hug she's giving me. I try to speak, fully expecting my stammer to be out in full force. "I'm...sorry, E-Emi. I just...no matter what happens, I w-want Hisao to have the best chance at...being alive. Right now, that means...you need to keep him going."
I've been pulled back from the brink, but I'm not entirely off the edge. Emi might not be doing much better, as I can feel her shaking, too. "I know...I know you think that's how it is, Hanako. You want me to be the one who saves him? So did I. I just can't save him if..." She pauses, and I can feel her gathering herself. "I can't be the one that saves him, if I'm the one that kills him..."
I gasp slightly at the implication of that. Does Emi really think that way? I hope not, but I don't have much left to try and convince her that she's wrong. I push Emi away enough to look her in the eye, and I summon every last bit of strength I've got. "Emi, if you don't try and save him, he'll die anyway. He'll die a lot sooner." She opens her mouth, but I know that if I let her interrupt I'll never finish what I'm saying.
I can do this.
"You know it's true, I...
I CAN DO THIS.
"...see it in your eyes. So...just...think about it. I..."
I. CAN. DO. THIS.
"...have to go do something, but please...think about it."
After saying that, I turn and start to walk away as quickly and calmly as I can. Emi stands there, unmoving, and says something that I can't hear. I keep going until I reach the door.
I...did it?
As soon as I do, I head back to my dorm as quickly as I possibly can.
I did it.
I get back to my room and collapse onto my bed, closing my eyes and smiling just a little bit.
I DID IT!
For a while, I just lie back in my bed, allowing myself to hang on to the feeling of having been able to talk to Emi like that without having had the opportunity to prepare myself. I may have barely gotten through it without panicking, but after what happened yesterday with Yoshimura, it felt so good. In the end, I can only hope that it had the effect it needed to have, but Emi and I shared something back there, something that felt...almost like what Hisao and I have come to share over these past few weeks. Maybe there really is something we can build on, just...not yet.
Unfortunately, I have to push that thought to the back of my head, because I still have another relationship to salvage. Keeping as still as I can, I listen for any sign that Lilly might be in her room. I stay that way for several minutes until I hear footsteps coming down the hall. I briefly get anxious before realizing that it can't be Lilly, since there's no corresponding tapping sound. That means it's Yoshimura, or maybe someone visiting her. She does have more than her share of visitors, I've noticed.
I hear the familiar sound of her door opening and closing, so I wait a few minutes more after that. Still not hearing anything else, I decide to try knocking on Lilly's door again. There's still no answer, and I wonder if she might have gone to the convenience store herself, or maybe even into the city for some shopping.
The way we were supposed to be doing.
Even if she did that, there's nothing I can do about it now. That I'm still thinking that way means I'm dwelling on this too much, and I need something to occupy my mind. I pick one of my books off the shelf that I haven't read too recently and try to settle in for the rest of the afternoon.
The hours go by quietly, with only the occasional sound from outside filtering in. I try to keep myself focused, but every one of those occasional sounds jolts me out of my immersion until I can confirm that it's not Lilly. Eventually, I walk down to the unoccupied common room to fix myself a light meal, keeping my eyes and ears attuned to the hallway. I laugh at myself for being like this, but I also know that every moment that goes by is a missed opportunity.
I return to my room, eat, and then resume reading. Eventually, the sounds of people wandering around outside fade away, allowing me to return to the literary world. It apparently also allows me to lose track of time, because when I look over at the clock, I see that it's past curfew, which jolts me back to reality. It's possible I missed Lilly returning, so I try knocking on her door once more, but the result is the same. I then head back to the common room, but there's nobody there, either.
I've never known Lilly to be out by herself this late, and now I officially start to worry a bit. I can feel my heart rate rising, and I know I need to do something to calm myself down. I consider calling Hisao, but after he told me about not getting any sleep last night I don't want to wake him up. Instead, I go over to my desk and pull out some Braille paper and punch out a quick note. I've only done this a couple of times so it takes a few tries to do it properly, but eventually I'm able to write "Come see me when you get back. Hanako," and place the note in the crack of her door, resting on the bolt. I then go back to my room and change into my nightgown, intending to try and get some sleep.
"Try" is all it is, because after several more hours of restlessness I turn to look at the clock again and see that it's after three in the morning. I haven't heard any sounds in the hallway since going to bed, but it's possible that I might have slept through something, so I quickly put on my slippers and open my door. I take a step out into the hallway, which is all it takes to see that the note I left for Lilly hasn't been touched. My heart leaps into my throat, and again I feel the panic start to rise inside me.
No, I can't let this happen. I need to think clearly.
I close the door and sit back down on my bed. I take several deep breaths, trying to keep my head clear so that I can figure out what I can do. I can't call Hisao...I could call the nurse's office, but they wouldn't tell me anything...
Wait...
There is one person I can call who should be home and awake right now, someone who might actually have some insight. Not for the first time, I wish I'd written to Akira since she left with Lilly. Now, the first time I'm contacting her, it's because I'm worried, and maybe unnecessarily so. Still, at this point, it's my only good option for getting some peace of mind, so I pull out my phone and dial the number for the Satou residence. It only rings a couple times before it's answered.
"Hey, Hanako!" Akira says, her wide grin obvious in her voice.
"Hi, Akira. How did you know it was...me?"
"Eh, when Lilly came back Mom finally got a phone with talking caller ID. Now we're stuck with it. Anyway, it's good to hear from ya, but you're calling pretty late, aren'tcha?"
"I...guess I am. I h-hope you don't mind."
"Nah, I don't if you don't," Akira says with a chuckle. "So how're things back in the old country? You and sis aren't still fighting, I hope."
"Oh, y-you know about that?"
"Yeah, she called me the other day all worked up about it. She was supposed to call me when her stuff got there yesterday, but I haven't heard from her. I figured she mighta been busy with you or Hisao and didn't have time."
I close my eyes and lower my head as I realize that I'm not going to get any immediate answers from Akira. "Actually, I...wanted to apologize to her, and I-I've been trying to find her all day. Now...it's almost f-four in the morning and she's still not in her room."
"Been waiting up for her all night, eh? I'd ask if you were her mom, but Mom hasn't been worried about her like that in ages. Still, that makes me wonder why you've been up all night. Something else must be goin' on. You wanna fill me in?"
"Well, she t-talked to Hisao yesterday..." I start to explain, but Akira quickly interrupts.
"Ah, I see. So she did get together with the kid, huh? Let me guess: he told her he was over her, and it didn't go over well, right?"
"Hisao said...she w-wasn't upset, but you know Lilly."
"Heh, yeah, I think too well sometimes. Still, I've never known her to stay out all night like this," Akira says, sounding like she's thinking out loud. "The question is: if she did, where would she go?"
"R-right..."
"Hmmm...well...if she was with anyone in the family, I'd know about it by now. At this point I doubt she'd want to see any of them anyway. Although...nah, that'd never happen."
"Wh-what would never happen?"
"Well, last time we talked, she said cousin Shizune had paid her a visit. It's a long shot, but she might know something."
"I...could t-try and talk to her in the morning."
There's silence for a moment on the other end of the line. "Ya know, I didn't expect to hear you say that so easily. I guess Lilly wasn't kidding when she said you'd come a long way while she was gone." Listening to Akira say that, I feel a little embarrassed by it, so I don't respond. After a bit, she continues, "Well, anyway, if you do that, I've got a couple other ideas I can check into. Problem is, I can't do it until it's morning over there. Think you can sit tight until then?"
"I...d-don't really have a choice, do I?"
"Well, if you feel like waking up some of the bigwigs at Dad's company, I'll be happy to give you some phone numbers."
"Haha, no thanks," I reply. Just by talking to me like she always does, Akira has gone a long way toward putting my mind...well, not quite at ease, but at least a little more settled.
"Good call. So...listen, you sound like you're a little frazzled, not to mention wide awake. You wanna chat for a while, maybe try and relax a little bit? I wouldn't mind gettin' some news from that side of the world from someone that isn't family."
"That would be...nice, Akira, thanks."
"Yeah, hey, let me just call you back real quick. This doesn't need to be on your bill, after all." Again, I'm thankful, and when she calls back we pick up right where we left off. "So, the big question first: how are things with you and Hisao?"
I smile as I remember Hisao's face after I kissed him earlier. "They're good...I think. For once, I...feel like we might be on the same page."
"Heh...well, that's better than the last time I heard, at least. Y'know, with everything I've heard from Lils the past couple weeks, I haven't known what to think about a lot of it. Hell, I'm still not sure I know, but I just want to say that if there's anyone I'd trust to look after my sister – after myself, of course – it's you two. Since I can't be there, I'm counting on you guys to make sure she's all right."
"Akira..."
"Eh, sorry, I didn't mean to get so sentimental. Of course, Lilly was the one who said she felt like you two were her family, and if you can't trust family to take care of ya, then...well, heh, anyway, how's things going with that newspaper club?"
Akira and I chat for another half an hour or so before I finally start to drift off. Even though her tone was light throughout our conversation, I could tell she's worried about her sister, at least a little bit. Then again, she is Lilly's sister, and can be just as good, if not better, at hiding herself. They might look totally different on the surface, but Akira's a lot more like her sister than she lets on.
Before we hang up, Akira promises to call me before she goes to bed to let me know what she finds out. I'm still worried, but there's not much more I can do right now. Still, something Akira said weighs heavily on me: that Lilly thinks of us as a family. Given how Akira feels about her parents, and how she talked about her mother earlier, she probably has more faith in us – in me – than she does in them. That's more than a little daunting, and I just hope I can live up to those expectations.
As I finally drift off to sleep, one thought goes through my head.
All these people suddenly have faith in me, yet the person for whom I'm trying the hardest...is the one who doesn't.
~~~~
Previous | Next
.
