Saturday night. Other people, like the rest of the track team, wait all week for it, but to me it's just another night to go to bed early. Lately I don't know why I bother, since I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in who knows how long, but I need to try. I'm going to need as much energy as I can muster for the next couple weeks, or until whenever Miki comes back.
Of course, as soon as I turn my light off, my phone rings. It's Misaki, which means it's really Rin. I thought we took care of everything she needed the other day, but since I'm still the only one who's willing to deal with her, I answer the phone. "Hey, Misaki, what's Rin want this time?"
"You know, Emi, for someone who wants me to treat her like a friend, I do wonder about how you treat her sometimes."
Great. Misaki's in one of her
moods. Like I need that right now on top of everything. "Sorry, Misaki," I say with a sigh. "It's just been a tough...anyway, how are you doing?"
Misaki sighs back at me, and even from this end it's pretty loud. "Well, I'm pretty sore with the damp weather we've been having lately, but otherwise fine. Should I bother to ask how you're doing?"
"I'm fine, thanks!" I say in my brightest voice, at which Misaki predictably groans. "But seriously, I was just about to go to bed, so if you want to just tell me what Rin had to say, we could have the rest of this talk tomorrow."
"Actually, that's what she wanted me to tell you: that she wanted to talk to you tomorrow. She didn't say why."
"Thanks, I'll make sure to check in with her after my morning run. Hey, did you tell her to make sure to get some sleep? She's been working a lot on that scroll thing lately, and I know how she..."
"Yes, I did," Misaki interrupts with a giggle. "I told her I knew you'd ask. I should have asked her to bet on it."
"Oh...well, good. One of these days maybe she'll listen to one of us."
"What about you, Emi? When are you going to get some sleep? Or listen to any..."
"G'night, Misaki!"
"Do you...oh, never mind. Good night, Emi."
Misaki hangs up, and I actually feel a little bad for doing that to her. I really should try and see whatever it is she's been wanting me to see tomorrow. In the meantime, let's see if I
can get some sleep tonight.
* * * *
The next morning, I get up while it's still dark – not that I really slept much, although last night was more from ghosts in my legs than ghosts in my head. I've been avoiding Mom as much as possible in the mornings lately, and today it's even a little bit easier to do it, because it's Sunday. I make breakfast for myself, make lunch for Rin and me, then bolt out the door for the bus before she's even out of bed. I can deal with Mom later, because the hardest thing I'm going to do today is the first one.
I change into my running blades at the track, which I've started doing every day, too. Hisao's actually started showing up earlier, so I have to make sure I'm ready so we can get right out onto the track. Yesterday was pretty much the exact pattern I wanted – Hisao came down, we did our routine, I told him he needed a different running partner, and then we went to the nurse's office. He didn't ask about my problems, he didn't try to talk to me about what I said on the bus, and...
...and it hurt like hell, didn't it? And you have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN today.
I get up off the bleachers and look up the hill, but no Hisao. He's been coming down about a half hour from now, but I check anyway, because...well, I want to make sure I'm ready when he gets here. I spend the next several minutes pacing along the home stretch of the track, looking up every so often to see if he's coming. I probably should have just left my walking legs on if I was going to do this.
Why, of all the things in the world, is
this the thing I'm getting nervous about? This is what I decided needed to be done, so I should just be able to go over here to the bleachers, sit down, and not think about it. Okay, sitting down. Stop bouncing, blades. Any time. Okay, standing up. Still no Hisao. Damn it, Hisao, why couldn't you just be early again like yesterday? Might as well stretch out a little bit. Okay, breathe. Stretch. Look for Hisao. Still not here. Maybe a quick sprint around the track? What if he shows up while I'm sprinting? I just need to not think about it. I need to think like Rin. What would Rin do? Probably stare off at the sun rising over the trees over there. And breathe. Stretch. Don't turn around and look, that'll just make you...
"Emi?"
"Eep!" My blades weren't exactly made for jumping, but I definitely bounce upwards at the sound of Hisao's voice behind me.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," he says as I turn around.
"Well, then why did you sneak up on me like that?"
Hisao takes a step backwards, and I realize that came out sounding pretty angry. "Whoa, you were the one who was spacing out down here!"
He's not wrong, so I force myself to smile. "Okay, Hisao, I'll forgive you...
this time. Now get to stretching!" Hisao slumps his shoulders and then starts half-assing the stretching routine. "Hey, there'll be no lollygagging today, ye scurvy dog!" is what comes out of my mouth before I even think, because I can't help but want to see him smile. He...almost does, but at least he starts putting a little more effort in. I look away before he catches me and focus on my own routine.
Once I'm done, I take a glance back at Hisao, whose face looks like you could've carved it from stone. "I'm ready to run, captain," he says, without a hint of his usual humor. Something about that makes me feel...cold inside. Worse than skiing in the mountains cold. Polar Bear Club cold.
"All right, Hisao...let's get going!" I say, a little bit of the air out of my balloon. We head out to the track, and he looks...focused, I think? He's got that look like today is going to be all business for him. Good, just like it's going to be for me. As we start the first part of our routine, it hits me that he was supposed to meet with Lilly yesterday, which might explain why he looks like he's auditioning to be in a store window. As I look back at him, I realize that I really,
really want to ask him about it.
But you can't, can you? That would be it, right there.
After that, I turn my head to face forward and don't turn back for the whole four laps. I hear Hisao's regular pace behind me, so I'm not worried about that. Once the four laps are done I risk one look back at him, but he still looks the same: no emotion in his expression at all. I nod to him like I did yesterday, then take off on my sprints...
...
air . . . wind . . . ground . . . track . . . . . . . . .
. . . will . . . not . . . hold . . . back . . . . . .
But you are holding back...
. . . . . . hear . . . smell . . . feel . . . see . . .
. . . . . . . . . set . . . these . . . thoughts . . . free
Holding back thoughts you can't set free...
wind . . . air . . . track . . . ground . . . . . . . . .
. . . one . . . more . . . time . . . round . . . . . .
One more time, just like the last time, right?
. . . . . . time . . . space . . . form . . . flight . . .
. . . . . . . . . all . . . shall . . . be . . . light
Maybe...if you'd just let it be if again...
Hisao...
...
I pull up next to Hisao, who's already cooling down. I can't look at him...damn it, I can't even
talk to him. We go twice around the track in silence, and I swear I catch him darting glances at me when I dart glances at him. I suppose I should at least be glad that he's not asking me about what's bothering me, except he's not talking
at all.
Ohhhh...I get it now. The silent treatment.
This is a game I know well, and I know what Hisao's trying to do. I don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner, because it's one of the things Hajime tried to pull on me last year. Of course, I didn't care by that point if Haji tried to talk to me or not, but it was still annoying. Well, that's fine, I can outlast Hisao at...
"Emi, I'm going up to the nurse's office. See you tomorrow."
...unless I don't have to. That's fine, too. I'll just do a couple extra cool-down laps and let him finish up before I head up myself. That'll make it easier all the way around. I manage to keep my eyes from straying for the whole two laps, then take my time gathering my bag and walking up to the auxiliary building. When I open the door, I just catch sight of Hisao coming out of the nurse's office, so I dodge around the corner until he's out of sight.
Okay, I officially feel like an idiot now. What am I, twelve?
Yeah, maybe I am...
I go into the nurse's office, ignoring his raised eyebrow as I sit down and remove my blades. As he bends down to take a look at my legs, he says in that weird manner he has, "So, neither of you is going to talk to me today, hm? It must be serious." When he looks back up and I see the stupid grin on his face, I stick my tongue out at him, and he laughs. Of course he does. "Okay, then. Anyway, it looks like things have healed up nicely. No problems since the other night?"
"Nope."
"Good. At least you're taking care of one thing properly."
Oh, no, he's not going to bait me like that. If he wants me to take care of my issue with Hisao, then I will, just not the way he wants. "It helps that I'm trying not to let myself be distracted. I can take better care of myself that way," I say, pouting a little. "If I weren't distracted
at all, you'd probably never need to see me in here!" Nurse frowns at me, as usual, so I give up on that angle and go for the straightforward approach. "Nurse, are you sure there's nobody else that could keep an eye on Hisao?"
"Still on that, I see," he says with a wink. Asshole. "But yes, I'm sure. You're the only one on the track team who's both available and at all trained in first aid until after the break. I'm sorry, storm cloud, but that's just how it is right now."
Wait...what did he just call me?
"Storm cloud? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Hmmm...I thought it was pretty obvious," he says, raising that damn eyebrow of his. "You've been awfully dark and gloomy lately. That's not like you, at least outside of the anniversary."
I flinch, shifting around and flexing my hands. "You don't need to rub it in, you know. I know what my problem is, and I'm trying to do something about it, but
somebody just confirmed that I'm stuck with it for another couple of weeks." I wink at him and say, "Just think of it as rainy season coming a little late."
He raises an eyebrow at me again, but doesn't even smile at my effort. Still an asshole. "It wouldn't be a problem if you weren't making it one, you know."
Okay, now he's just pushing my buttons. "Yeah, I know, I could just walk away and let him die, right?"
"You know that's not what I..."
"Yes, I do, but trust me, everyone's better off this way, okay? Now, are we done here?"
Nurse looks at me for a long time without saying anything. "No, but I won't stop you from leaving."
"Good," I say, picking up my bag and storming my way out of the office. I might as well live down to my new nickname, right? Once I get outside, my shoulders slump. I know Nurse thinks he's helping, but right now he's just...not. I don't really think he
can, so I'm not really mad at him, but he does get under my skin sometimes.
When I get back to the dorm, I see that Rin's awake. I drop my bag onto the bed and pull out the lunches I made for us, then walk over and push open the door. "Hey, Rin, I made you another lunch," I say as I walk in. When I put it on the desk, I see that yesterday's box is empty. That's unusual for Rin. "Oh, hey, you ate all of this one!"
"I was hungry," is all she says in response.
"Huh, you were?" I say, surprised. I thought she was gonna tell me that she gave it to somebody. "Okay, that's...good, so...Misaki said you wanted to talk to me about something, so what is it?"
Without even looking at me, Rin says, "The Mystery Toilet Girl was here looking for you yesterday."
"The...oh,
Hanako? Well, that explains why you were hungry, but did she tell you why she was looking for me?" I have some ideas already, and I don't like most of them.
"No."
I sigh. It's really difficult to get Rin to elaborate on anything as it is, but this morning my patience is already near its finish line. "I mean, do you think you know why she wanted to talk to me?" Rin opens her mouth to answer, but I cut her off before getting another of her one-worders. "And if you do, could you tell me that reason?" Lather, rinse, repeat. "And if you can, then just do that."
"Maybe. Yes. Why?"
I grit my teeth at that, even though I should have expected it, and I
miiiiight even let a small growl slip out. "Never mind, I have a pretty good idea anyway. If she comes here again looking for me, tell her I don't want to talk to her."
"I don't think she will. I don't think she likes talking to me. Can you go into town with me tomorrow? I need a haircut."
Yeah, I suppose Hanako wouldn't like talking to Rin. The subject change whiplash can be pretty severe. This one was pretty welcome, though. "Fine, I can do that much. Morning or afternoon?"
"Morning, I think. And ask Hisao to come with us again."
I take it back. It was pretty UNwelcome.
I'm not really sure why Rin would want Hisao to come along. She was kinda unhappy about the idea the other day, and...well, I'm not too happy about it now. "Um...are...you...just asking me that so I'll keep making you lunches? Because I'll do that either way, you know."
"No. Hisao needs to come with us." She says it flat out, like it's already been decided.
I close my eyes, trying to keep myself from shouting. "No, Rin, he doesn't. I don't want him to come with us."
"Is it for the same reason that you aren't talking to him?"
I start to say something, but then I realize I shouldn't say that. This isn't Rin's fault. Unlike the nurse, I know
she isn't really trying to get under my skin. She can't be, because she wouldn't know it would. That doesn't mean I'm not tweaked by it, but I can't take it out on her. So, shifting gears. "Whaddya mean I'm not talking to him? I'm talking to him! I talk to him every morning at the track!"
Yeah, that was pretty lame.
She looks at me for a couple seconds, and as usual I have no idea what she's thinking. "You need to help him replace his poster."
Is
that what this is about? The
poster? Okay, I can handle that, I think. "I don't need him with me to do that. I can just pick one up for him when we're in town."
"What if they don't have the one you got before? He needs to be there to pick the best one that's not that one."
Come ON, Rin...just let it go already...
"I...could just check first, and then...go back later with him if they don't have it?"
"If you won't go with him now, you won't go with him later."
She nods to punctuate that, like she won't hear any arguments. I'm just grasping at straws anyway, but I still don't get why she's being stubborn about this. I mean, it's not like she
can't be a mule sometimes, but she's usually a lot more willing to go with the flow about this kind of thing. That makes me suspicious. "What did Hanako tell you, exactly?"
"That she was looking for you, and that you weren't talking to Hisao."
Well,
that didn't help. We're going in circles, and from the way my head feels they're the ones under my eyes. "You know," I say with another sigh, "we could just go into town right now. Then I could give him the poster in the morning if they have it."
"I have to finish this," Rin says, gesturing towards the scroll with her brush. "It has to be tomorrow."
Yep, that's all she wrote, because once Rin starts working again, there's no getting through to her. I sigh again, because now I might
have to invite Hisao along, and I still don't know
why. I sit down on Rin's bed to give this one last shot. "Okay, tomorrow. So, um, why do you want Hisao to come with us so much?"
"I thought maybe you weren't talking to him because you couldn't. Then if he came with us, you could. Why don't you want him to come?"
I knew it.
I knew that question was coming.
I knew I was going to have to say something, but I didn't know what, and I still don't. "Because...ugh..."
Because you do want him to come, Ibarazaki. You just can't LET him...
I put my head on my hands, which have apparently decided they want to be fists right now. It's appropriate, because I feel like I want to punch something. Mostly myself. "Because if I talk to him...then I'll want to keep talking to him, and then...ugh, I don't know how to explain this to you!"
"Maybe if you keep going, the right thing will come out to explain it."
Or something that I don't want to come out will come out.
I raise my head to look at Rin again and let my arms flop down to my sides. "Rin, I know you want to help or something, but...look, everything's a mess right now, and the only way to fix it is for me to stay away from Hisao."
"What if Hisao doesn't want that?"
After this morning, maybe he does. That's what you wanted. Right, Ibarazaki?
Be quiet, damn it!
"That doesn't matter. If he doesn't, then that's just part of the mess."
"So if he doesn't want you to stay away from him, does that mean
you want you to stay away from him?"
No, Rin, it doesn't...that's the problem...I wish it did...I REALLY wish it did...
I know where my limits are when I'm running, but with this...I guess I'm finding out now. What's left of my patience goes
poof, and "Will you just...
stop?!" explodes out of me. I take a deep breath and try to bring myself back into the blocks. "Look, Rin, can we talk about this later? I have to take a shower, and then I need to get some food. I'll come by tomorrow and then we can get your haircut. Okay?"
Rin looks at me, then down at the scroll, then back at me, before finally saying, "Okay."
Wow, I actually got her to drop the subject?
With a relieved sigh this time, I say, "Thanks, Rin. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, do you want me to bring lunch, or eat at The Shanghai?"
"Not The Shanghai," Rin says as she picks up her brush. That's too bad, because I feel like I need to break out of the whole spiral I've been in. Actually, maybe there's a better way to do that.
"Hey, the weather's supposed to be good tomorrow, right? Maybe we could have a picnic in that park! We haven't had one of those since we got rained on after the track meet! Mother Nature owes me one!"
Rin nods, and it looks like she's back in the Rin Zone, so I call out "Bye, Rin!" before closing her door most of the way and heading down the hall. As I'm collecting my shower stuff, I realize that the lunch I just left in Rin's room was supposed to be for both of us. I don't think I want to deal with that right now, nor do I want to deal with Misaki, whose door is thankfully closed. Now I just have to hope that Rin's Magical Forgetting Power works on her idea of bringing Hisao with us tomorrow.
As penance for today's sins I head down to the main building after my shower, prepared to inflict the punishment of cafeteria food on myself. Being fast does have other advantages, because even if the rush is more like a meander because of break, I'm glad I got here before it started today. There's only a couple of underclassmen I don't know here, so I grab something and polish it off quickly before somebody I do know gets here. I almost start running down the hall, because the sooner I get out of here the better, but I stop myself.
If there's one thing I'm going to learn from this whole thing, it's to stop doing that.
Of course, as I'm patting myself on the back, I nearly run into someone coming out of the stairwell anyway. I'm about to apologize when I realize it's Hanako.
Just great. The next-to-last person I wanted to see right now.
She jumps backward, nearly right into the door she just came through. "E-Emi! I was...um, I need to talk to you about something."
Hopefully, I can escape this with minimal damage. "I know, Rin told me. Can we do this another time? I need to get home."
Hanako pauses for a second before responding. "Okay...I need to find Lilly anyway, but...c-can I ask you...one question?"
I have a feeling I'll regret this, but I don't want to upset Hanako any further either. "Yeah, okay," I say, trying to smile naturally.
"Why are you...giving up?"
My teeth show a little bit more at the question. "What do you mean, giving up?"
"Hisao told me you've been...pushing him away," Hanako says, and she looks a little angry. "Why would you do that?"
Yep. Called it. Regretting it. Shit.
"Um...Hanako, are you sure you wanna have this conversation right now?"
"Yes, I'm sure...before you do any more d-damage! Don't you understand that it's hurting him?"
Of course I understand...do you understand that it's hurting me, too?
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "It might hurt now...but in the long run everyone will be better off."
I don't know what I expected, but Hanako's face just gets real tense. "Let me guess. You think he'll be better off with me than with you? You think I'll be better off with him than without him? You think I can't fight for him by myself, because I...because I'm just a useless person?"
"Whoa, wait a second, I don't think you're useless..."
"Of course you do! Everybody else does! I
know Lilly does! Maybe even Hisao does! You think you can help me by giving him up for my sake? That's what you want, isn't it? Because I'm a broken person who can't do anything on her own?!"
Oh, that's it. That's the game you wanna play, Hanako? I'm in. I'm
all in. "
YOU'RE BROKEN?! You think
you're broken? You're the lucky one, Hanako! At least nobody wants to
fix you because they think you need fixing! You get people to stay away from you without even trying! The minute somebody gets to know me, they think they have to come riding in to my rescue! I'm just trying to stop Hisao from feeling the same way, because if I tell him why I'm not talking to him, he's going to..."
"...feel sorry for you?"
I stop myself in mid-rant and look at Hanako. What I see when I look into her eyes is a reflection of my own fears – about Hisao, about people...about life, and I immediately wish I could take back everything I just said. "Y-yeah," I say at about a quarter the decibels. "I...I guess...look, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but it's just...I'd...I never wanted to do that to you, Hanako. I never want to do that to Hisao, either. I'm...I'm not giving him up for your sake. I'm giving him up for
his."
Hanako blinks a couple of times and takes a step backwards, tugging at the hair that she's got draped over her eye. "W-what do you mean?"
I look down at the floor, because I can't look Hanako in the eye either right now. "I'm...I'm just not good for him, okay? If I can get myself away from him...maybe...maybe he'll live longer."
After a moment, real quietly, Hanako says, "I don't think he would."
Now I look back up at Hanako. "Huh?"
"You saw...what he was like when he was with Lilly. He didn't exercise, he'd...forget his medicine. He only runs because...he likes to run with you. I...maybe someday, I might, but I c-couldn't do that for him now."
"Hey, you know, if you want to, I could..."
"No, it...just wouldn't work. Not..."
"Yeah, okay, I getcha, but I might hold you to that someday," I say with a wink. "Look, I said I'd keep running with him until break. Then maybe I could talk Miki into helping out. I..."
"M-Miura?" Hanako says, her eyes widening. "She doesn't...seem like the type who'd want to train anybody."
"Heh...well, maybe not. Nobody on that team is as dedicated to running as I am. Maybe that girl from 3-1 who's always in the pool could..."
"Emi," Hanako says, in a voice that reminds me of my own pouting voice, "w-why can't you do it? You're...his best chance."
Well, I guess it's time for the OTHER truth.
"Because...I'm also his worst chance."
"What?"
I take a deep breath before starting. "Look, you were there when I ran into Hisao in the hallway right after he transferred in. The other day, after we went into town shopping for stuff for his room, it happened again. I fell onto him and nearly gave him another heart attack. And then you know what happened last week, when I found him out collapsed on the track? He wouldn't have even been in that position if I didn't tell him running would clear his head...shit, if I wasn't encouraging him to run in the first place! It's like I'm a walking danger zone! Damn it, Hakamichi was right about me..."
"No! That's...Emi, w-what are you talking about? Other than the time he collapsed, has he had...even one problem since he started running? Before that...he was having one...every week, just from walking, or getting...worked up! And y-you fell onto him and NOTHING HAPPENED!"
I take a couple of steps back as Hanako shouts at me. "But..." is all I can get out before she starts again.
"I love Hisao, but I c-can't love him if he's...if..." Hanako stops short of saying what I know she's thinking. I know because I'm thinking it, too.
Neither one of us can love him if he's gone.
I look at Hanako, and she's doing a horrible job of holding back her tears. Without thinking, I wrap my arms around her, and until now I don't think I ever realized how tall she is, because her chin is about resting on top of my head when she hugs me back. "I'm...sorry, E-Emi. I just...no matter what happens, I w-want Hisao to have the best chance at...being alive. Right now, that means...you need to keep him going."
"I know...I know you think that's how it is, Hanako. You want me to be the one who saves him? So did I. I just can't save him if..." Now I'm the one having trouble holding back her tears. "I can't be the one that saves him, if I'm the one that kills him..."
I hear and feel Hanako's sharp intake of breath when I say that out loud. It's like some kind of spell was broken, and she immediately pushes herself away from me. "Emi," she says, with eyes that look like purple steel, "if you don't try and save him, he'll die anyway. He'll die a lot sooner." I open my mouth to respond, but she keeps going. "You know it's true, I...see it in your eyes. So...just...think about it. I...have to go do something, but please...think about it."
As she walks off with the kind of purpose I thought was the property of Hakamichi around here, I say under my breath, "I've been doing nothing but thinking about it. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing."
But what if she's right? What if he dies because you never got to put his heart back together?
"Ugh, I
really need to get out of here," I say to myself again, and just then I pick my head up to see Misaki stopped right in front of me. She looks at me sympathetically, shaking her head, before continuing into the cafeteria. I grit my teeth and vow not to talk to myself again until I get to the bus stop.
On the way back into the city, I try and block out everything that happened today, but it's no good, just like yesterday. So, instead of going downtown to do some shopping like I'd planned, I get off at the stop for my house and go back to my old friend, the parking garage. Once I get up to the roof, I put my running blades back on. It's the only place I've got left now, so I'm going to use the hell out of it.
Unlike the last time I was up here, it's a clear day, so before I get started running I take in the blue sky. It's not like the one at Yamaku, but it's still nice. One of these days I should bring Rin up here to see what she thinks. I wonder if she'll still call it perfect, or if her sky in Hiroshima was perfect to her. She doesn't really like to talk about that.
I wonder what the sky where Hisao lives looks like...it must be even more crowded than this one...
Okay, if you're going down that road, it's time to start running.
It's a poor substitute for the Yamaku track, or even the track at my old high school, but it'll do. At least, I hope it will. I haven't run here since I was twelve, and while I might not be much bigger than I was then, this place feels a lot smaller. I guess back then, since it was all I had, it didn't matter how big it was. Now, running around here just feels like a kid's game.
That's all it ever was, I guess.
After a few quick laps, I realize this isn't helping. I can't get into a rhythm, because it's not familiar anymore. Feeling pretty much defeated, I sit down on the edge of the roof, looking off to the west. If I look hard enough, I can see the hill Yamaku sits on. I didn't even know it existed before the accident, but afterwards it was pretty much decided I'd be going there, whether or not I'd be able to walk again. When I heard I was getting sent there, I thought my life was over.
Just like Hisao did.
Nope, won't push it down this time. Just going to let it flow.
I was still in the hospital, and when I found out I thought, I'd already lost Dad, and my legs, and I was going to lose a year of school and all my friends in the deal, so what was left? What was left was two things: Mom, and running. I started reading up on it, and when I saw that Yamaku had a track team, then damn it, I was going to be on it. Ever since then, I've trained like a demon, even now when I don't even know if I'm ever going to race again. I did it because that was what I had left. If I could just get myself to run again, then running would always be there, and then Dad would always be there. Anything else could get taken away at any time. Even...even Mom, especially given what was happening to her back then.
So, after a few years, there I was at Yamaku. I still had Mom, and now I was the Fastest Thing on No Legs. Even as a first-year, I was on the team for all the track meets. People looked up to me, and that was the way I liked it. If they looked up to me, then I wasn't their friend. I was their hero, their idol, someone who was on that pedestal that they could see, but never really touch. That was
exactly how I wanted it.
Up until this year, only two people at Yamaku ever saw me as something different. One was Rin, but then I'm not sure she counts, because too much of the time I can't figure out how she sees me. The other was Hajime, who gave up on me when I told him I didn't want what he wanted. Well, not
right then, because it took him a little while to figure out that, yeah, I
meant it. That hurt a little, because we'd had fun together, but once I got out on the track again he might as well not have ever existed. A few laps' worth of sprints, and old what's-his-name was cleared right out of my head.
Why can't it be like that again?
Because you didn't feel like this about him, did you?
But...what the hell do I
do now? I thought just doing what I did before was the answer, but it's just too different now. It's not just about how I feel anymore. If I keep pushing Hisao away, not only do I hurt him, and me, but now Hanako, too. But if I don't keep pushing him away, then...
...then...
...then maybe you might actually be happy?
But then...
...but then what? You know Hanako's right. If you're with him, he'll probably live longer. That's why you thought you were pushing him away, right? So he'd live longer?
...but that wasn't REALLY what it was about, was it? Oh, it was a little bit, but it's really because you're scared of losing him – not just to death, but the same way you lost Hajime, or your friends from your old school...
...or like you lost him once before, when he quit running...
If you gave him to Hanako, you wouldn't have to worry about that, because you couldn't lose what you never had. That was the easy way, and it's turning out not to be so easy, isn't it?
Orihime and Hikoboshi are waiting for you, Ibarazaki. They gave you this second chance, on behalf of the universe. Are you going to give it back, and hurt everyone? Or are you going to do what you need to do, and grab hold of it with both hands?
It's not often you get a second chance at something you want, Ibarazaki, so don't let go again without a fight.
"I won't," I say out loud, tears streaming down my cheeks again. "I promise."
I pick up my bag and start walking down the stairs again, headed for home. When I get back out onto the street, I send one last thought out to the universe.
...
Thanks, Dad.
~~~~
Previous |
Next
. We're still in overlapping chapters mode, so not all of what's happening has come out, either.