Hello out there. Welcome back, I think I should say, but I don't think all of you were here when this story landed here by accident last time. I know some of you were, though, now that I remember that that happened. As far as I know, there wasn't any damage that time, but maybe what got damaged was being able to remember what got damaged, so you should probably be careful. Don't trip over anything, or get accidentally pinked. Getting pinked on purpose might be okay, though.
So, you've probably already noticed a difference. This time, I knew you all were coming...well, that's not entirely true. I wasn't exactly sure
who was coming, but I understood that it was at least somebody. I seem to have become popular lately, because the Mystery Toilet Girl, who I now remember is named Hanako, was...well, not
here, but...well, over there, see?
Oh, right, you can't
actually see, but there,
right over there, that foot there holding the paint brush would be me if you could see it. So, picture that in your head. Actually, I'm supposed to be describing that, aren't I? Well, see, there's a foot. There's a brush in it. It's at the end of one of my legs. The other foot, the one that's at the end of the other leg, that one's there, too, which is a good thing, although it's not in
exactly the same place, because then I'd only have one foot, but it would be twice as heavy. It would probably be pretty hard to paint then...
Okay, I'll try again.
So, you've probably already noticed a difference. I'm going to try my best to only think about two things at once for a while, because if I was still thinking of four things some of you would probably give up and wander away pretty quickly. I know if I was thinking about four things, and was also trying to read about somebody else thinking about four things, I'd probably close the book, or walk away from the computer, or whatever you're reading this on. Except you'd be doing it.
Anyway, I don't think most of you are here to read about that. You want to read about the Mind Reader, the Mystery Toilet Girl, Emi Not Currently At Her Emi-est, and the Butterfly Whisperer. So, that's why you're looking at my feet right now. Or imagining that you are. Don't worry, I don't mind. I won't tell the me that's thinking the other thing and doesn't know you're imagining you're looking at them that you are, either, so if you feel like imagining that for a while while you're waiting for things to get started, that's fine, too.
...watching that for a while while...are those feminine whiles? If they are, is it because I'm not wearing my uniform right now?
Sorry, I'm still working on only thinking about two things. So, down near my feet is the painting I'm working on for Hisao. I'm also working on it for someone else, but you're not supposed to know that. Well, maybe some of you do, but don't tell everyone else, at least not until the story flies away again. I think it probably will look like a peacock when it does that.
So, that's where things are. When things are is right after I saw Mystery Toilet Hanako...I can just call her Hanako, right? That would be easier. Or I could call her Ikezawa, since I saw that she was calling me Tezuka before the story landed here, but Hanako might be less confusing. So, we're after Hanako was done watching me paint. I think that was a good thing for her, since I also saw her thinking about it before I was supposed to see that. Actually, it would always be before, because when that is probably isn't ever actually going to be. Maybe that makes it neither before nor after...
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, because maybe some of you are thinking about walking away after all. I know that you all know that I'm not very good with words, but that's the only medium I have to tell you what's going to happen. Maybe if I try something different...
Okay, so there I am, just after Hanako left. Since she made me hungry, I'm going to go ahead and eat the lunch that Emi brought for me. I'm not going to comment that since it's dinner time, it's not really a lunch anymore, because I have nobody to actually make the comment to. You don't count because you're here with me, watching me, and not there with me, talking to me.
I know that there are some of you who would be interested in watching me eat, but we've already covered that somewhere else. What's the phrase that means a path through something that everyone has to take to get to the next thing? It apparently went past one of the past mes when I was eating lunch in the art room. So if you want to see that, go ahead and see that. When you get back we'll be...
...here, with me painting again. I hear another set of footsteps coming toward my door, but this time I don't have to ask them who they are, because they tell me. "Hey, Te...uh, Rin? It's Misaki. I'm going to turn in for the night. Do you need me to call Emi about anything?"
"Hmmm...if I've become a city in Iran, you might want to tell her that, but I don't think I have." That wasn't anywhere close to being good, or anywhere close to being close, but it happened, so there it is. "I also need you to tell her that I need to talk to her tomorrow morning."
"Okay, I'll call her and let her know. Do you want me to ask her to make you another lunch, too?"
"No. The lunch that she brought today wound up not being lunch anyway. If she wants to bring me another one, I can't really stop her."
"Yes, that's true. Well, since Emi will ask me if I did, I'll go ahead and tell you to get some sleep."
I nod in response. I don't know whether I'll get any sleep or not, but people get frustrated when I say that, so I stopped. Misaki gets frustrated especially easily about things like that. I hope none of you are worried about whether or not I get any sleep. I still haven't found out what sleeping is like, but I'm pretty sure I won't be able to tell you anything while I'm sleeping. If any of you are the type of person who likes watching girls sleep, then...well, you won't really be watching, unless you're imagining me sleeping. You probably are. Maybe while I'm sleeping, I'll imagine you imagining me sleeping. I won't remember that part, though. Now you can imagine me frowning if you want.
* * * *
Welcome back. I can say that, because I've already been awake for a while painting. When Hanako told me about Emi not talking to Hisao, I knew I needed to get this done as soon as possible. I'm not sure how dire the consequences will be, especially since it's already the weekend, but weekends aren't as dire as they are when there are classes. Quite dire, though. Even more dire since I needed to eat my dinner lunch before I could go back to working on it last night.
Speaking of Emi, that's the reason you're here right now, isn't it? I think she's talking to me, which normally doesn't quite mean I need to pay attention. Usually it would be one of the other two things, but since they're off-path I'll have to. "...ther lunch. Oh, hey, you ate all of this one!"
"I was hungry."
"Huh, you were? Okay, that's...good, so...Misaki said you wanted to talk to me about something, so what is it?"
Now that her voice has seeped into the cracks of my consciousness like okonomiyaki sauce, I think I might eat the lunch for lunch today, but then I remember why I'm still hungry, and why Emi was just talking to me. "The Mystery Toilet Girl was here looking for you yesterday."
"The...oh,
Hanako? Well, that explains why you were hungry, but did she tell you why she was looking for me?" The sauce continues to make its way through my brain, much more easily than the usual marshmallow. Usually that just sits on top. That means Emi's not really as happy as she's trying to make me think she is again.
"No."
Emi sighs the sigh that people do when I answer things in a way that they don't like. At least Emi will try again. Most people don't. "I mean, do you think you know why she wanted to talk to me? And if you do, could you tell me that reason? And if you can, then just do that."
After opening and closing my mouth like a fish a few times, and then wondering why everything that comes to my mind involves food, I say, "Maybe. Yes. Why?"
Since I'm still working, I hear the sound from Emi that tells me that my answers are still frustrating her rather than seeing the process that creates the sound. "Never mind, I have a pretty good idea anyway. If she comes here again looking for me, tell her I don't want to talk to her."
"I don't think she will. I don't think she likes talking to me. Can you go into town with me tomorrow? I need a haircut."
"Fine, I can do that much. Morning or afternoon?"
"Morning, I think. And ask Hisao to come with us again."
"Um...are...you...just asking me that so I'll keep making you lunches? Because I'll do that either way, you know." I can't see the face Emi makes, but I know the face that makes her voice sound like that. It's pinchy.
"No. Hisao needs to come with us."
"No, Rin, he doesn't. I don't want him to come with us."
I know Emi is getting agitated, because now she sounds squinty. The direness level must be over nine thousand. Or up to eleven. A larger number than it should be. I slowly turn to look at Emi, and I see two shades of red trying to blend into each other on her face. I'm not sure if they want to be crimson, but that seems to be where it's going. I think it needs more white. "Is it for the same reason that you aren't talking to him?"
Now Emi is becoming a fish. How interesting. We're becoming a school at school. "Whaddya mean I'm not talking to him? I'm talking to him! I talk to him every morning at the track!"
Now, obviously Hanako was exaggerating when she said Emi wasn't talking to Hisao. I just don't quite know how to put that into words that won't make Emi more upset. So, this is one of those times when I wish there were different words to say these things. These are the times when I need to try things from different points of view, like dangling from my knees off a tree branch. Sadly, I don't have anyone to help me get up there, so I just have to do what I can to try and get up there by myself. "You need to help him replace his poster."
Some of the red runs away from Emi's face. It's a much better color now. "I don't need him with me to do that. I can just pick one up for him when we're in town."
"What if they don't have the one you got before? He needs to be there to pick the best one that's not that one."
Emi's face does that thing where it all goes toward her lips, like the fish is gasping for water. "I...could just check first, and then...go back later with him if they don't have it?"
"If you won't go with him now, you won't go with him later," I say with an emphasizing nod.
Emi turns her head sideways. She looks a little like an owl when she does that, except she doesn't have any feathers, and she has arms instead of wings. I hope she's not trying to catch and eat the past her. "What did Hanako tell you, exactly?"
This is why I don't take it seriously when people tell me I change subjects too often. "That she was looking for you, and that you weren't talking to Hisao." I haven't forgotten not to tell her about the worrying part. Maybe I should take Hanako to the Worry Tree.
Emi sighs the sigh again, only louder. "You know...we could just go into town right now. Then I could give him the poster in the morning if they have it."
"I have to finish this," I tell her, making sure my gesture with the brush doesn't touch the scroll. If it did, I'd have to start over again, and I don't have another scroll. Or enough green paint. "It has to be tomorrow."
Emi sighs a different sigh, the sigh of resignation. "Okay, tomorrow." Emi sits on my bed. She's allowed to do that. "So, um, why do you want Hisao to come with us so much?"
"I thought maybe you weren't talking to him because you couldn't. Then if he came with us, you could. Why don't you want him to come?"
"Because...ugh..." Emi balls up her fists and puts her head down on them. The reds are going to come back to her face now. "Because if I talk to him...then I'll want to keep talking to him, and then...ugh, I don't know how to explain this to you!"
Emi's been like this before, bad with words. Not the same way I'm bad with words, because at least she knows what the words she wants to use are, but she gets one of those bricks in her head that she can't push the words past. "Maybe if you keep going, the right thing will come out to explain it."
"Rin, I know you want to help or something, but...look, everything's a mess right now, and the only way to fix it is for me to stay away from Hisao."
"What if Hisao doesn't want that?"
"That doesn't matter. If he doesn't, then that's just part of the mess."
"So if he doesn't want you to stay away from him, does that mean
you want you to stay away from him?"
"Will you just...
stop?!" Emi shout-asks, and I put my brush down because when she starts doing this, things tend to jump, or bump, and sometimes one of those things is me. "Look, Rin," she calmer-says, but I don't pick the brush back up yet, "can we talk about this later? I have to take a shower, and then I need to get some food. I'll come by tomorrow and then we can get your haircut. Okay?"
The direness keeps building in the air, and it's thick enough to keep me from even putting my foot down now. See it hanging there? Close your eyes again, you'll see it. Interesting. I know the only thing I can do to keep it from reaching the level that everyone is going to need those suits to keep from being poisoned by it – the direness, that is, although I suppose to some people my foot might also be hazardous – is to finish this scroll, but I can't do that if Emi keeps raising the level. So, "Okay."
Emi sighs the sigh of relief this time. It's a better sigh than the other ones, but it does nothing to lower the direness level. "Thanks, Rin. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, do you want me to bring lunch, or eat at The Shanghai?"
"Not The Shanghai." I pick up my brush and start working again. The direness level is leveling off. It might also be leveling on. Would it be bad if it was?
"Hey, the weather's supposed to be good tomorrow, right? Maybe we could have a picnic in that park! We haven't had one of those since we got rained on after the track meet! Mother Nature owes me one!"
I nod in response, and my okonomiyaki is dry again. It doesn't taste very good that way, so I need to focus on the painting. I think I hear footsteps. The rest of the day is painting, eating lunch for lunch, and painting. There's no okonomiyaki, but there is a lot of food. That means Emi was intending to take some, which means that she was intending to eat with me, which means that something I said changed her mind, which means that I had the chance to try and lower the direness level, which means that I'm now going to bring this over to Hisao, because I'm done with it. See how that worked? I'm surprised at how quickly time passed myself. As far as I know, there were no time machines involved. I feel like I'm different enough now that the amount of time that passed actually did pass, so I must have just forgotten that time. I'm good at forgetting things, including whether or not I told people I'm good at forgetting things.
Now that the work is done, I can comment on it. Hopefully none of you commented on it while I was sleeping, or you'll have seven years bad luck. Oh, someone did, didn't they? That would explain why I remember something about a cat running away from my arms that I don't have, and something about the girl Emi always beats at the track meets. I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to get seven years of second-hand bad luck. Maybe that means I'll only get three-and-a-half years. I'd rather not have any years, though.
Now, I need to bring this to Hisao. I know he lives across from the Boy Who Lives Across From Hisao. I don't know his name, but I've been trying to collect him for a long time. Emi told me she thinks he has a problem in his pants besides the one with his eyes, which is why I keep trying. He always says his problem has something to do with feminists, so I suspect she might be right.
The scroll is still drying, so I can't roll it up, but I have to get it to Hisao as soon as I can. It's too long to clip to my belt, so I'll have to use my collar. It's a good thing it's light, because once I clipped a sculpture I was working on for art club to it. I walked around looking at everyone's stomach for a week. It was an interesting new perspective, and I collected a few new people that week, but I still never got a good look at the Boy Who Lives Across From Hisao's pants.
The door to Hisao's room is exactly like Emi described it. It's a door. That's all. I knick on it a couple of times, and it opens a couple seconds later. "Rin? I didn't expect...are you...wearing art now?"
I've heard that people do that, so it might be a serious question. "No. It's still wet. I brought this over for you to put on your wall. I hope it's not too late."
For some reason, Hisao looks at his watch. "No, it's not even eight yet."
"Is something supposed to be happening at eight?"
Now Hisao looks confused, or maybe he's mimicking my face, which also looks confused. Maybe. I can't tell for certain without looking in a mirror, and I don't see one here, but it should look confused because I am. It's just as well. Mirrors are creepy. Hisao shivers his head and says, "No, I don't think so." I shiver my head back at him, mirroring his mirroring. Just not in an actual mirror. "Please, come in."
I nod and walk into Hisao's room. The drawing of Emi is in a good place. "Can I sit? It's easier if I sit down."
"What is?"
I knudge the scroll. "Taking this off."
"Oh, right. Go ahead."
"Thanks." Now, you can imagine me going through the motions of giving Hisao the scroll. Unless you fell asleep the last time I told you to close your eyes, because sometimes that happens. I probably took longer to think that than if I'd think-described how I gave the scroll to Hisao, so imagine I did that. You probably don't need to close your eyes for that part. Unless you fell asleep this time. "Did you have lunch with Hanako today?"
"No, I didn't. She said she needed to find Lilly, so I got something in the cafeteria."
"Is Lilly not talking to you either?"
I can tell that Hisao is trying very hard not to sigh the sigh that people do when they don't know why I said the thing that I said. Sometimes his kindness scares me. "Not...that I know of. Hold on...did...Hanako tell you about Emi?"
I nod. Sometimes his understanding of where I'm going scares me even more. "That's why I made sure to finish this." The process of me handing the scroll to Hisao is finished. If you're not done imagining it, or if you fell asleep before, during, or after the imagining happened, then that's fine, because if you're reading this, that means you finished imagining it or you woke up.
"What is this?"
"A painting."
"I know that, but...what
is it?"
It's obvious now that Hisao isn't himself, because his mind reading is only sometimes working. I guess even his understanding isn't scary all the time. Nobody else's is scary ever, so it's not as though any hopes were dashed or dotted or crossed, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to figure out the right words here. "It's a thing to put on your wall. Emi said you needed those."
"But you already gave me one."
"Did you only need one? If you only need one, I can give you this one and take the other one back. That one was done for me anyway. This one was done for you, so you should have this one instead."
Hisao's face is slipping toward a look that people sometimes get when they've been talking to me for a while. I'm not sure what the word for it is, but it's confused and frustrated and sort-of-angry-but-not-really and probably a couple of other things all at once. I don't like that look, but I'm used to it. "No," he says, "I...kind of like the one you gave me. If you don't mind, I think I'd like to keep them both."
"I'd like you to keep them both, too," I reply, because I would.
"Thanks." I see him looking it over, and I'm not sure why. None of the messages I put in it are hidden, and as far as I know there isn't another painting underneath it. "I have to admit, this isn't exactly something I would have expected you to paint."
"Me either. I've never painted anything for anyone else before, so maybe that's why."
Hisao looks at me with one of his eyebrows raised. It makes him look a little like an owl, except he doesn't have feathers, and he has arms instead of wings. "What about the mural you made for the festival? Or all that stuff you do in the art club?"
I perform a dismissive shrug. "Those weren't really for anybody. They were what I thought I should do at the time."
"Right, but didn't somebody ask you to do those things?"
"Yes, but they never told me what to paint, only the type of thing they thought I should paint. The mural was a mural because it was supposed to be a mural. This time, I didn't pick any of those things. I just painted what needed to be painted. Nomiya wanted me to try and paint something for somebody else, so they could show it to a lot of other somebodies, because they thought my mural showed them that I had talent. I didn't think I was ready to become the sort of person who could do that, so I said I wouldn't do it. Nomiya wasn't very happy about it, so I wondered if maybe I could try and see if I could become that sort of person a little at a time, and maybe if it happened again I could try. I wound up not having to change to do this, though, because other things happened that made me want to do this for other reasons."
"Well, for what it's worth from someone like me who doesn't know art at all, I think this is very good. I think a lot of somebodies would probably be interested in this kind of thing."
"But that one isn't for a lot of somebodies. That one is for only one somebody, and maybe one other somebody. I could try making one like that for a lot of somebodies, but I don't think it would turn out very good. I knew what I needed to paint for this one, but with a lot of somebodies, there would be too many different things I'd need to paint, so either I'd wind up with something that looked like nothing and everything or I'd wind up giving up and painting for me again."
"Well, that's not such a bad thing, is it?"
"Isn't it? I think it might be. If I paint things only for me, then it's like talking to myself. I don't think people really want to listen to me talking to myself." Then again, maybe some of you do. At least the ones that didn't fall asleep or imagine something else while you were here. I'm not sure, since I wasn't watching all of you. Also, you're not listening, you're reading, which is different. Unless something is reading this to you, so maybe some of you are listening.
"Huh, I hadn't thought of it that way. I suppose that's just because I don't understand art, though. Like this. Why is this specifically for me and...maybe one other somebody?"
"Because it's like the other one you had, but more specific. Once the other one got torn in half, I knew you would need this even more. Then when Emi said she didn't want you to come with her to replace it, I knew that the conspiracy to keep you from having one of these had gone into full effect, so I had to finish it now."
"Okay, so you wanted to give me something like what I bought in the art store? It...does look like the same style, and a lot of the same colors. I didn't buy it for any specific reason, you know. I just bought it because it liked...how it made me feel."
"That's good." I'm especially not good with explanations, so I don't try to explain to him why that means what it means. Instead, I remember what I was planning to say when Emi asked about it, except she didn't. "But there's more. People used to think green and blue were the same thing. Sometimes they still even call green things blue. I always wondered why they'd do that. But then there's you and Emi. Your color is green, and her color is blue. She thinks I think it's pink, but I know it's blue."
I nod, because I think that should satisfy Hisao's need for explanation. I appear to be wrong, because he just looks confused. "So, what does that mean?"
My eyes widen with surprise. "I thought you'd know. You usually understand me better than most people. Was I being more misunderstandable than usual?"
"I'm...not sure?"
"Hmmm...well, I think what I wanted to say was that when I look at you and Emi, sometimes I only see one color. That's when I think things are all right. Then when I see two different colors, things seem all wrong. Like now, I see two different colors, because Emi is trying to get everyone to think she's pink again. She needs to be blue again, and I don't think she will be if she stops talking to you."
Hisao sits on his bed, still looking at the scroll. I still don't know why, though. "Rin, you know Emi better than I do. You know how she'll react if I start trying to push her again. She's just going to pull away harder. She's already been trying to get me to start running with somebody else once the break's over." He looks back up, and he's got one of the reds that Emi had earlier in his face. "If she's going to...be...blue again, then it's going to have to be because she wants to. Until she does, there's not much I can do about it."
"That's true. That's why I gave you this. The other one shows you Emi at her Emi-est. This one reminds you that sometimes Emi isn't at her Emi-est, but can still be Emi-er than she is right now. You should keep remembering that, or she might be pink for a long time."
Hisao thinks. He does that a lot, and I used to think that was why he never smiled, because he was thinking things like that. I think a lot of things that make me not smile. Like not being able to talk to other people. Or Emi not talking to Hisao even if she is able to. Or that someday rain might start falling up, and I won't be able to walk in it anymore. But this one doesn't make him not smile, so it's not anything like that. That's good. "I'll try and do that, Rin. Thanks." Hisao stops talking and looks at the scroll again. I don't think it's changed in the last five minutes, but in case it did I get up and come over to look at it, too. "So, the other somebody that this might be for, that was Emi, right?"
Good. Understanding again. "Sometimes she needs reminding that she needs to be blue, too. Like now."
"For all the good it will do," Hisao says as he goes back to not smiling. "At the rate things are going, she may never see it."
"That wouldn't be good. Until she started running with you, I didn't think Emi could be lonely. She always talked to everybody, and I thought everybody could see who she was. But it wasn't who she was. Nobody could see who she was. All I could see was soap foam and marshmallows. She had a friend last year, but he wasn't any different. You're the different one. That's why I only see one color when you two are together. Or I did see. You see people where other people see other things. I sometimes think you can even see me a little bit, even if I'm not painting. But I think you see Emi most of all. Everybody needs somebody who can see them, Hisao. I don't think you can be happy without that."
"Somebody who can see them," Hisao says from far away, like I said it into a deep canyon and it took this long to bounce back. "I'm going to have to think about that."
"Is it going to be one of those times where you frown a lot?"
"I hope not."
"Then you're probably going to want to be alone to do it." I look around me, to make sure I haven't forgotten where I am. "Since this is your room, that means I probably should be the one to leave."
Hisao laughs, and it's vaguely major-key. "Probably. Thanks for coming by, Rin. I think it helped." If I was any good at hugging, it's probably something I would do now. Or maybe would have done a few minutes ago. Since I'm not, I just nod at Hisao as he opens his door to let me out.
Now that we're done, I don't think I'll be doing this again. Change is a scary thing, even when it's temporary. Of course, since I won't remember that it happened at all, I may forget that I don't want to do it again, too. However, I think it's better not to know that there are a lot of somebodies imagining that they're watching you paint, or eat, or doing the thing that I'm doing right now, that I'll let you imagine what it is. What you don't need to imagine is me saying goodbye.
"Goodbye."
~~~~
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