Katawa Shoujo Forums

Mader Levap wrote:Hmm. How to say it... average. Readable.

One note: yes, you love Team Fortress. I get it. No need to put it constantly in story (AFIK this story is Hangai/KS crossover, not Team Fortress/KS crossover). Once (movie was not bad) is enough. More is jarring and rather OOC for Mutou. Same for F/SN - no need to put by force every cool thing that you lately played/read in story about something completely different.

Of course, you are free to ignore it. It is your fanfic, after all. BTW you have broken link in first post.

Fixed the link. Not sure what I was thinking with the TF2 thing back than, but since it's more of a passive plot device that doesn't affect the characters too much, I don't think it's a big deal. I could've easily replaced it with any other movie both real and imagined and it wouldn't have changed the outcome of the story overall. If I want the story to take on a more realistic (as much realism as you can get considering the circumstances), I might change it up, but for now there's no real issue. Now the F/SN one, I have a reason for making Mutou a VN player as well (which you will find out about in maybe...I dunno, whenever I get back to writing). And OOCness is in the eye of the beholder IMO, unless you have loads of people calling the writer out on that. I'd be more concerned if any of the three MCs were called OOC, but so far no one's done that yet as far as I know.

BobBobberson wrote:Not sure what I was thinking with the TF2 thing back than, but since it's more of a passive plot device that doesn't affect the characters too much, I don't think it's a big deal. I could've easily replaced it with any other movie both real and imagined and it wouldn't have changed the outcome of the story overall. If I want the story to take on a more realistic (as much realism as you can get considering the circumstances), I might change it up, but for now there's no real issue.

Then kill it, because there's a real issue. You are already running under the handicap of writing a crossover - yes, I DO believe I am justified in calling it a handicap - so you don't want any more flotsam cluttering up your stuff. There is no such thing as "filler" or "for laughs" writing. There is useful writing, and counterproductive writing.

BobBobberson wrote:And OOCness is in the eye of the beholder IMO, unless you have loads of people calling the writer out on that. I'd be more concerned if any of the three MCs were called OOC, but so far no one's done that yet as far as I know.

If by this you meant "it's okay to go out of character unless and until your audience gets riled up", my answer is a resounding NO. I think you meant that you have some doubts about characterization yourself though, which is only natural.
As a side note, I want to point out that I'd be unable to call you out on your representation of Yozora, for example. To do it properly I'd have to watch at least a season of an anime. I'm not going to watch that for such a reason. This is one of the problems of crossovers.

Yeah, I think I spent too much time not working on this. Hell its been months since I've last been on the forums. Pretty sure all of the readers who are keeping track of this has moved on as well, but eh, might as well declare it now: I am discontinuing this fic. Too many plot holes and inconsistencies to fix. Thank you to everyone who has read up to this point, and I apologize for letting you down.

Awwww are you serious?
I loved this fanfic and have been checking for updates everyday and have been eagerly awaited the next part.

Aha, a bit of necroposting here, but just wanted to say that this was very good. The Valve references were a bit numerous, but it didn't make by all means bad. Great work, and it looks like I have yet another thing to read/watch!

Guess you didn't notice this post just two above yours, from 11/18/2012:

BobBobberson wrote:Yeah, I think I spent too much time not working on this. Hell its been months since I've last been on the forums. Pretty sure all of the readers who are keeping track of this has moved on as well, but eh, might as well declare it now: I am discontinuing this fic. Too many plot holes and inconsistencies to fix. Thank you to everyone who has read up to this point, and I apologize for letting you down.

When 'Discontinued' is in the title of the thread, I would take the author at his word.

Well, I felt like reading something different tonight, so I looked through my backlog and picked out this one. A crossover with something I've never heard of. That's different enough.

So, I really don't know how accurate your characters are.

I will say that the story itself is interesting and the characters are strong, but none of them are really likable. Yozora strikes me as a straight up bitch with no real redeemable values. I have no idea why Hisao keeps wanting to spend time with her other than her looks.

Hisao ... well, this is probably the most socially inept and oblivious version of Hisao I've read. Combine that with his tendency to constantly lie to everyone I just can't sympathize with the guy. The story keeps talking about how he likes Hanako, but there's nothing in the story to actually show it. Hisao starts off pretty bad, but he just keeps getting worse and more of Yozora seems to rub off on him.

Also, you spent far too long telling us about characters playing a game, which really didn't add to anything. In fact, the pop culture references in general were extremely jarring. That's not counting the Left 4 Half Fortress stuff. Any immersion I had in the story at any point was killed whenever that came up.

All in all... well... it's not a good story. It was well written enough that I was curious to see where it was going and it's a bit of a shame that it never got finished, but it was fairly horribly flawed.