Katawa Shoujo Forums

WolfStreak wrote:Well i have to say he might be the anti Doomish i have been looking for to read a uplifting story after reading one of Doomish's fics.

Now now. Braving the Storm is getting to be positively saccharine in its sweetness!

On topic, I don't mind the ending but it seems a bit backwards to me. I would think the confessions would come first, and discussion of surrogacy after. Offering to do something that important for someone right before you tell them you betrayed their trust doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Still, I can't complain about the outcome!

Bagheera wrote: On topic, I don't mind the ending but it seems a bit backwards to me. I would think the confessions would come first, and discussion of surrogacy after. Offering to do something that important for someone right before you tell them you betrayed their trust doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Still, I can't complain about the outcome!

I had thought about that for a while before deciding on the order of events.
The way I saw it, the confession of the kiss was tied directly to the unspoken feelings between the three of them. If the confession came first, everyone would open up about how they feel about each other, which would have, I think, lost it's impact by moving directly into less intense discussion concerning the surrogacy.
Besides, as Hisao and Lilly said, with everything that's happening between them and Hanako, now really wasn't the time to introduce a child into the mix. This put in my mind a focus on the new relationship rather than the issue concerning a child.

themocaw wrote:I'm tempted to write Hisao/Hanako/Lilly threesome porn now.

Well, I did say I might write an Epilogue, didn't I?

Alternatively you should do an epilogue set ten years in the future from the POV of their collective child thinking about his two mamas.

...I like that idea.

I'm not sure what I think about this ending. To me, it appears your story 'jumped the shark' in closing with this chapter. It appears like some fourteen year old fangirl took your story and added a slashfic ending to it. Please understand that I mean no disrespect in saying this. I cannot fault your writing itself, only the content. You stated that that's how you wanted to end your story, and thus I have no right to demand an explanation for it. I will, however, voice my displeasure at the way things turned out. That being said, all the best for whatever your next endeavor may be.
Cheers, BlackWaltz.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I'm not sure what I think about this ending. To me, it appears your story 'jumped the shark' in closing with this chapter. It appears like some fourteen year old fangirl took your story and added a slashfic ending to it.

I was afraid it was going to be like that, but he did a surprisingly good job of selling it. And relationships like that do sometimes work out in real life, just look at the creator of Wonder Woman.

themocaw wrote:Alternatively you should do an epilogue set ten years in the future from the POV of their collective child thinking about his two mamas.

For some reason, I always think of Hisao and Hanako as eventually having two kids, and then a few years later, oops, a third. In this situation it would be a child with light brown hair, a child with dark brown hair, and then, surprise, another kid with dark brown hair.

This is not how I thought the ending would go at all. I figured the saishoudoukin thing was just a joke at first, but I guess it didn't really turn out that way in the end anyway. I think you took the ending too quickly, and I don't want to say I'm disappointed, but all of the conflict just sort of wraps up without anything else happening and the three head off to share Hanako forever. All that stuff about children and Hanako's inner conflict about whether or not to talk to them about it was for nothing because it was already resolved offscreen by the time she got up the courage to mention it. I mean, she spends chapters and chapters going "Oh no, what should I do, why am I doing this, how do I fix Hisao and Lilly's relationship" and then when she finally gets the courage to talk to them about it, they go "oh yeah we already spoke about that and here is what is going to happen". It's too fast-paced to sound realistic, to me at least. The story has no real climax, so to speak, it just kind of builds and builds and then ends in one fell swoop (fell chapter, I guess). I liked it, but I don't know if I liked the way you took it.

Thanks for the criticism. Perhaps the ending was resolved a little too quickly on Hisao and Lilly's side, but I always thought the ending was self evident from practically the beginning.

Doomish wrote:This is not how I thought the ending would go at all. I figured the saishoudoukin thing was just a joke at first, but I guess it didn't really turn out that way in the end anyway. I think you took the ending too quickly, and I don't want to say I'm disappointed, but all of the conflict just sort of wraps up without anything else happening and the three head off to share Hanako forever. All that stuff about children and Hanako's inner conflict about whether or not to talk to them about it was for nothing because it was already resolved offscreen by the time she got up the courage to mention it. I mean, she spends chapters and chapters going "Oh no, what should I do, why am I doing this, how do I fix Hisao and Lilly's relationship" and then when she finally gets the courage to talk to them about it, they go "oh yeah we already spoke about that and here is what is going to happen". It's too fast-paced to sound realistic, to me at least. The story has no real climax, so to speak, it just kind of builds and builds and then ends in one fell swoop (fell chapter, I guess). I liked it, but I don't know if I liked the way you took it.

Ending did feel a bit rushed to me, too, but when you consider Hisao and Lilly's relationship, as well as how well they know Hanako, is it really no surprise that after they discussed things between themselves, they chose to wait for Hanako to work up the nerve/courage to talk to them about it? Think about the breakdown Hanako nearly had when she thought Hisao and Lilly were splitting up. You could easily expect a similar reaction if Hisao, or especially Lilly, approached Hanako alone about the kiss she took from Hisao.

Personally, I would have preferred one or two more chapters detailing some of the immediate aftermath of things, followed by an epilogue that takes place years later, but that's up to Fluff.

As much as I've enjoyed this story, I have to admit that this ending is quite disappointing. BlackWaltztheThird is right; it feels like it turned into a slashfic towards the end. To be honest, I was somewhat put off by the idea of surrogacy in the first place, but when Hanako offered to leave Hisao and Lilly's house I thought you might be able to surprise me. But instead you seemed to go back on all of that and go for the "let's all just fuck" ending.

Besides, it feels like Hanako's entire character arc from the game was betrayed by this ending. I mean, one of the main plot points in Lilly's canon route is that Hanako drifts away from Hisao and Lilly's side as she gains her independence and confidence as a person. With this in mind, it's downright bizarre for Hisao and Lilly to hook up with her. To have the three of them have sex at the end just doesn't strike me as logical. It's one thing to play fast and loose with canon for the purpose of writing a good fanfic, but this just feels like you're ignoring the canon plot to tell your own story.

And the sad part is that I was rolling with it until the end. Yeah, it felt weird for Hisao, Lilly, and Hanako to be living together, but your story was well-written and interesting enough for me to suspend my disbelief. After this ending, though, I just can't do that anymore. You started off great, and kept on doing great, until the very end when the train derailed completely. Sorry, but that' just my opinion. I hope you find this constructive.

After some thought I think I've figured out why I dislike the ending; I had trouble with the notion that Hanako would suggest surrogacy, and then follow it up with "oh by the way, I totally betrayed your trust in a moment of extreme selfishness." Quite apart from questions of whether that approach is even in character, it just doesn't seem like a good way to present things. I can't imagine she'd think it'd work out well for her.

I do, however, like the idea that Lilly and Hisao talked about it sooner rather than later. I think if it were me I'd have Hanako suggest the surrogacy idea, and then have Lilly bring up the kiss in response. The question would be "wait, why are you really suggesting this? Is it just guilt?" Cue hysterics and confessions and apologies from Hanako. After everyone realizes Hanako's suggestion was genuine, and reaffirm the depth of their feelings for one another, they can maybe move on toward a poly relationship from there (I don't think they'd jump in to it quite that fast, but you never know -- these sorts of relationships do happen in real life, after all, and the framework for one is there in the relationships established both in canon and earlier in the story).

In other words, the end result wasn't bad. It was just a bit abrupt and reached via brute force rather than storytelling finesse. Happily, this is fixable.

And themocaw, get to it! You opened the door, now you gotta step through!

Bagheera wrote:After some thought I think I've figured out why I dislike the ending; I had trouble with the notion that Hanako would suggest surrogacy, and then follow it up with "oh by the way, I totally betrayed your trust in a moment of extreme selfishness." Quite apart from questions of whether that approach is even in character, it just doesn't seem like a good way to present things. I can't imagine she'd think it'd work out well for her.

I do, however, like the idea that Lilly and Hisao talked about it sooner rather than later. I think if it were me I'd have Hanako suggest the surrogacy idea, and then have Lilly bring up the kiss in response. The question would be "wait, why are you really suggesting this? Is it just guilt?" Cue hysterics and confessions and apologies from Hanako, After everyone realizes Hanako's suggestion was genuine, and reaffirm the depth of their feelings for one another, they can maybe move on toward a poly relationship from there (I don't think they'd jump in to it quite that fast, but you never know -- these sorts of relationships do happen in real life, after all, and the framework for one is there in the relationships established both in canon and earlier in the story).

Hmm, I rather like that. I will consider this.

That was an awesome ending. However, I implore you, you MUST write an epilogue! You can't just suggest the surrogate plan and leave it at that.

themocaw wrote:I'm tempted to write Hisao/Hanako/Lilly threesome porn now.

Alternatively you should do an epilogue set ten years in the future from the POV of their collective child thinking about his two mamas.

I second this. Twice. On either point.

I should of seen that ending coming from a mile away. While the ending didn't seem right to me, I must applude you for coming up with an unique story while keeping everyone in character. I particularly liked how you included most of the characters and had them move on since the events in the original KS novel. The music also suited the story nicely.

Read 7 parts in one go, magnificent.

I uhh, hate to be a grammar police but I think it should be quiet, not quite.

FluffandCrunch wrote: Lilly is very quite, her eyes open in surprise, tears gently resting on her cheeks as she listens to me talk. I gently touch her face and wipe them away.

Anyways, it has been a nice read so far, this is definitely one of the better fan fictions out there.