Katawa Shoujo Forums

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm

she turns and enters the female dorm...
I emerge from the male dorm,...

Ah, one of my pet peeves. Everytime I read this I have to think of female dorms getting together with male dorms and making many small dormitories...

Well, I have this many times throughout the story, lol. It bothers me too, really, but there aren't many ways to distinguish the dorms other than guys' and girls', male and female, etc. Nice mental image though, thanks!

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm

I was practically dying yesterday after just a few laps.

Should be "this morning" unless you shuffeled around events in Act 1 a bit. "The Running Girl" is on Thursday, same as "Cold War" and "Paint by Numbers".

No, this actually takes place Friday morning, the SECOND time Hisao goes running with Emi. Scene name is "Exercise". If he takes the "Yes" option with Nurse, he runs with her again Friday morning, if I recall correctly, and then has the option to "Go for it" or something like "take it easy" on the track with her. Go for It results in him having to go to the Nurse, but locks Hisao onto the Emi route. What I'm doing here is like an alternative of the other choice, but he doesn't even get to the point of considering trying to race Emi.

I indicated when this takes place in the second sentence: "Emi was there before me, just like yesterday, and wasted no time getting me running."

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm

Glancing back, I see Emi watching me with her head tilted slightly, so I give her a little wave.

Just leaving Emi seems a bit rude. He could at least have said goodbye...

Yeah, he's being a bit of a dick here. Not the only example.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm

miso soup for both Hitomi and I

"for Hitomi and me"

Ah, I'm bad with these sometimes. Fixed. Thanks!

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm

"So, you're going to die, but you don't know when?"

That's true for most people

Indeed, and a point I think Hisao finally comes to understand by the end of Act 2. Memento Mori.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm Anyway, I liked the way you approached Act 1, only showing the relevant parts. Some people don't like that, but for me fanfiction is not something that has to be able to stand on its own. You can assume that most readers will have already read Act 1 at least several times over.
You still took a couple of lines verbatim from the VN, which in excess is not a good thing, but here it was hardly noticeable.

Excellent. I'm glad. I settled on this approach, since I wanted to integrate her introduction into the 1st Act, without repeating or rehashing familiar territory any more than necessary. Even the few lines I stole while integrating the scenes were painful to write in, honestly, but I wanted the reader to know EXACTLY when and how these differences in the timeline took place, and how Hisao's choices and experiences led him to begin the "Hitomi Route" as opposed to one of the canon ones.

And I agree strongly with your statement on fanfiction. Anybody reading it is, almost by definition, very familiar with the source material. Otherwise, they wouldn't have a hunger for more, right?

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm I have to admit I don't have a good grasp on Hitomi's character yet. Her reactions seem contradictory sometimes.

As they should.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm You said this story was about opening up to each other,

No, I said it's not. That's been done. It has to be an aspect, of course, but it's not the focus of the story's primary conflict.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 4:27 pm but I'm not quite sure if Hisao spilling his life story the second time they interact might not be too much of a good thing... I tried to put myself in Hitomi's place: You've just told that guy about your accident and going blind, and he responds by whining talking for over an hour about his own problems. Still not quite sure how I would react, but for some people it certainly would not come across well...

Indeed, I would react poorly to this myself. For her, I think the vulnerability he showed may have helped her form a connection, but that's more Hisao's perspective than Hitomi's. I can't truly speak for her, since I'm mostly in HIS head when I write this story. She's an enigma to me as well, though I know more about her than anyone else, naturally, and she has yet to be fully formed. And one possibly result of this method of character creation is that she'll end up an entirely unrealistic, unrelatable, unbelievable disappointment of a character when I'm done with her. Hoping not to fail that spectacularly, but it's by no means outside the realm of possibility.

---

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

She looks down at my extended hand, and I realize that as my right hand was currently occupied with my bag, I had unconsciously offered her my left.

Disregarding, that shaking hands is not really common in Japan... Have you actually ever done that? Offered your left hand if your right was occupied? I think that would get a strange reaction no matter if the person in front of you has a hand or not...

So when I wrote this, I was conscious of the fact that shaking hands is not common in Japan, but I kinda decided to just include it regardless. KS is a fairly westernized version of Japan anyway, with the characters almost all going by their first names, for example.

But to answer your question... I can't think of a specific example, but this is certainly something I WOULD do. Being fairly socially awkward: particularly back in high school, though maybe not so much today. And I wanted to convey a degree of Hisao's own discomfort around others, particularly these students he's totally unfamiliar with. He's not exactly a shy person, but not the most charismatic or outgoing, either.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

I rush out of my room and down to the exit of the boy's dorm.
I reach the girls dorm

"boys' dorm" and "girls' dorm" respectively but better than "male" and "female"

Dammit. Fixed. Thanks!

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

Moving to the previous door in the hall,

The room after Lilly's should be Hanako's iIrc. Maybe across the hall?

So I was never quite clear on whether Hanako was across from Lilly, or the next door down. I settled on having her be across the hall in this case, and having Hitomi be the next door down from Lilly. If I'm incorrect, and Hanako is definitively next door to Lilly, then I guess I'm stuck being non-canonical here. Which I do try to avoid...

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

she's not wearing the Yamaku uniform, but rather a set of silky blue pajamas.

Either Lilly changed into her pajamas very early, or it should be very late - and consequently very dark - in the following scene in the forest...

Hitomi let me know that she spends several hours most evenings practicing with her bow, and that she wouldn't mind me coming to watch sometimes

Going alone into the forest is probably something she should not do with her condition anyway.

Yeah, we'll go with the first explanation. This is a few hours after classes end, and sundown in Japan that time of year is around 7pm, so yeah. Guess Lilly's a bit of a grandma with her bedtime.

Correct. She probably should not.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

Yeah, this is actually more of a problem for me than you likely realize. I'm aware of it, and a part of my editing process is chopping up overly long sentences.

It's not something that I consciously realized as negative while reading. I'll keep an eye out continuing, but I've definitely seen a LOT worse...

I literally spent most of today editing a book for someone, and catching typos in both my and others' writing is something I pride myself on, so I'm simultaneously embarrassed that you found any, proud it was only three...

Not sure if it's that way for everyone, but I think for most people that is normal. It certainly is for me. When it's your own text you just look at it differently because you already know what's written.

Yes, the mind tends to fill in the details and we miss the actual words. That being said, my editing process is designed to bypass that problem, and I usually don't miss much. But in 60,000 words, there will always be something. Glad I have you fine people (or possibly degenerates) around to catch my errors!

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

"A walk? How old are you, dude?" - "Old enough...

Touché.

Ironically, I walk for exercise frequently, despite being in my mid-20s, and large swathes of this story were created on my walks. Including this moment, in all likelihood.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

ChattyWheeler wrote:Cell phones were still new—and expensive—in the late 2000's/early 2010's...

Hey, it's not that bad. I got a cell phone in '99 and I was one of the last people in my class to get one.

Got mine in '06, I think. I was also one of the last. Razor Sliver. Great phone.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

Do I really want a relationship so soon after Iwanako?

This is funny for two reasons: First that he would consider that a relationship at all, and second - in light of your other story - that he would consider it "soon"

Yeah, this is sort of a wink at Rebound.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm

As we work, every now and then I catch Suzu giving Molly and I both odd glances.

"Molly and me"

Again. Thanks!

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:01 pm Not quite sure what to make of the Shizune scene... It can't really be that simple... There are plenty of students in Yamaku who do not show outward sings of their conditions - including more than half of Hisao's class...

Correct. All we know here is that this is what Shizune SAYS she BELIEVES to be the explanation. She could be speaking dishonestly, simply incorrect in her assertion, or some combination of the two.

And that may be true for Hisao's class, but it almost certainly is not for Hitomi's class.

---

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm

Glancing around, I realize that even though I've been here before, I didn't really pay attention to Hitomi's room.

And now that his half-naked crush is sitting in front of him he does... To be honest, I probably wouldn't be able to manage that

Yeah, me neither, really. I'm gonna go with the explanation that he's nervously averting his eyes because she's undressed, and that's what leads to his distracted thoughts about the room. Though that still feels a bit far-fetched...

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm

I nearly run into Hanako, who's entering the door across the hall from Lilly's room.

See the earlier comment about room locations.

Yeah, I may be wrong, but at least the story is internally consistent!

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm Chapter 2-7 probably puts paid to Shizune's theory that Hitomi has a problem with people who are obviously disabled, since she doesn't seem to have a problem with Miki at all...

Yeah, that was part of the intention behind that interaction.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm

Brister wrote:"Damn Hisao fucking rude why don't you ask what color she likes first before going off assuming shit ya racist..."

Really? How is that racist? Japan is a very homogenous country, and when someone looks like Molly it is a reasonable assumption.

Yeah, I declined to comment on this at the time, but thanks for pointing it out. I didn't know Brister nearly as well at the time, and didn't want to come across as condescending. We're bros now. Brister, like me, is from the US, and is in all likelihood far more accustomed to being in an ethnically heterogenous culture. I've traveled enough to know that most of the world isn't like us when it comes to that sort of thing (not a judgement in any way, merely an observation). In Asian countries in particular, from my experience at least, people are quite likely to ask questions or make comments on the basis of race, skin color, etc.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm

I note that Yukko doesn't seem to be on duty today.

Her name is Yuuko.

Good catch. Corrected.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm

Isn't that exactly what caused this rift between Hitomi and I?
I don't know where things stand between Hitomi and I

"between Hitomi and me" both times

aren't I just killing the chances of that?

"am I not"

sigh... fixed all three.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm Final thoughts:
On a superficial level this seems to be a quite ordinary route. For me there are two things that set it apart from other stories like it - not counting the excellent language use. (On that note, I paid more attention to run-on sentences, and in my opinion it is not an issue at all.)

Good, it is meant to be a fairly ordinary route, though focused on perhaps some different problems than normal. Glad you of all people consider the language use to be excellent. And I'm also glad you didn't find the longer sentences to be an issue. I think I've grown in that area somewhat.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm Anyway, the first thing is obviously that the love interest is not someone who has had their whole life to get used to their disability (or even a short while) but someone for whom all of that is still in the future - which provides a different set of problems from what I've seen in so many other fanfictions. Problems that will likely come into the foreground more when the blindness finally sets in permanently...
That is IF the blindness sets in permanently.
I have to note that Hitomi's condition is one that no doctor was able to detect and that nobody knows anything about, so it is somewhat strange that the doctors can tell that her sight will be gone permanently at some point. If nothing is known about it, chances are just as great that her bouts of blindness will eventually stop completely... Not that I want you to go that way, since it could feel a bit like a cop-out depending on how it is done...
Not sure if anybody brought this up yet... Usually I do read the comments as well, but in this case the comments/analysis are longer than the actual story - which is saying something considering the length of the story - and I wanted to read it without being too influenced by others' opinions.

Yes, I very much wanted to do something differently in having a love interest who is also new to her condition. This is a marked distinction from both the canon VN routes and any pseudo-routes I've read to date.

On Hitomi's condition: I created it as a narrative element, not knowing if it was a real thing, and not intending to look into it much. I know that in some cases (EBJ's work comes to mind), the writers will heavily research a medical condition and be detailed in their accurate portrayal of it. That's commendable, but not what I was going for in this story. Like all fiction, this story is about more than its own details, and what matters more than the condition itself is how Hitomi, and Hisao, learn to live with it.

And yeah, the doctors are being somewhat pessimistic, but we can chalk it up to Hitomi not fully knowing what they do, only understanding some of what she was told, etc. If I were given news that bleak, I suspect some of the details would slip my mind, as they did Hisao's in the prologue. I've been tempted on many occasions towards that cop-out, but it would rob the story of a lot of its potential meaning. Suffering and tragedy are inevitable facts of life, and how we choose to live with and overcome them mean a lot more than if we happen to get lucky now and then and avoid them.

And yeah, Chatty lives up to his name quite well. I would say he should go into the film critic business or something, if that industry wasn't so backwards and hopelessly corrupt. If you do get to reading the analysis, you'll be impressed by the many crazy ideas he and Brister come up with. They both think of things I never would have, and then guess them as future plot points, as if they were my plan from the beginning. Giving me ideas in the process. It's certainly an interesting dynamic.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm The other thing - and the thing I commend the story most for - is its excellent use of secondary characters! There are plenty of stories that have a large cast of characters around here, but I can't think of any other that manages to include SO many (Shizune, Misha, Lilly, Hanako, Emi, Miki, Taro, Suzu, Molly & Kenji) without making any of those scenes feel superfluous. All of those characters are fleshed out and contribute to the story in meaningful ways. (I did not include Rin, because I don't think she contributes as much, but then she has only a few appearances.)
No scene feels wasted or just like filler, and I know exactly how hard it is to write like that. I can hardly believe when you say you don't plan ahead...

This was something I really, really wanted to do. Part of my motivation for writing KS fanfiction at all was because I deeply loved the characters, both the main cast and the side characters that were more fleshed out in others' fics, and I wanted to see more of them. Letting them all run loose (mostly) in the playground of my mind makes for some interesting situations and conversations, for sure.

And I'm VERY glad you don't see those scenes as filler. I tried quite hard to make sure they were not.

When I say I don't plan ahead, I mean in the details of a scene. My notes going in tend to be something like "Hisao goes into town with Hitomi, they walk around and end up eating somewhere, and run into Miki and Suzu." And then I write from there, filling in the details as I go, writing each character's actions, dialogue, and reactions as I would expect them to contextually based on what I know of them. The more right-brain I can make the process, the better it tends to go for me. The moment I start planning heavily is the moment the writing becomes more difficult. That's a large part of what I'm currently struggling with in writing 3-1.

Mirage_GSM wrote: ↑Thu Nov 19, 2020 4:10 pm Related to that, the scene I liked most was not one featuring Hitomi but the rejection scene with Molly. Considering that there are hundreds of stories on these forums astoundingly few include scenes of rejection - something I've been a bit conscious of since I wrote one myself a couple of years back - and I think this is probably one of the best scenes of that type.
Personally I would have gone for Molly, but since this has been a Hitomi route from the start I knew it was a waste rooting for her

I don't recall reading many, either. The one from Developments is all I can think of off the top of my head.

And yeah, I love Molly. I almost wrote a Molly route instead of this one. I may still, someday, if Feurox never ends up continuing Gravity.

Anyway, thanks for your SpaG catches, your insightful commentary, your useful advice, and for reading the story! I'm glad it wasn't a disappointment. Hopefully it won't end up as one, when I manage to finish it.

Can I just say for the record, now that Mirage and Xeraeo have pointed it out now, that racist comment was meant more as an exaggeration. I knew it was perfectly normal for Japanese people to ask those kinds of questions, believe me with what my story is dealing with I had to look up a lot of shit about it. I was just trying to use it as a hyperbolic way of showing how my reading flow was interrupted by the detail.

Looking back on it, poor fucking choice of words. And generally bad argument I think now looking back even further. When I say I work on these analysis piece late at night when my mind starts to slip, it isn’t just for comedic presentation. Still, I fucked up and I’m sorry if that gave you the wrong impression of me at the time. I now try to tackle these things with a more salient state of mind.

Lol, I didn't get a bad impression of you. Just wasn't sure how to respond to it at the time. The more I've come to know you, the more obvious it became that that was an exaggerated response, anyway. I had forgotten about it entirely until Mirage pointed it out.

And I'm not sure if it's better for you to be in a salient state of mind when you comment or not... It's certainly more fun when you're not, lol.

No, this actually takes place Friday morning, the SECOND time Hisao goes running with Emi.

We're talking about different lines. The one I meant is at the end of the previous chapter:

After a few more pleasantries like that, we bid each other good night and head off to our separate dorms. Before dozing off, I remember the nurse's nagging words, and set my alarm to wake me early enough to go jogging again. I told him what he wanted to hear, but honestly I don't know how long I'm gonna be able to keep it up. I was practically dying yesterday after just a few laps.

This line was from the evening when he is setting his alarm FOR Friday morning. Canocally this should be after the scene "Paint by Numbers" which should happen on Thursday.

No, I said it's not. That's been done. It has to be an aspect, of course, but it's not the focus of the story's primary conflict.

Fair.

So I was never quite clear on whether Hanako was across from Lilly, or the next door down. I settled on having her be across the hall in this case, and having Hitomi be the next door down from Lilly. If I'm incorrect, and Hanako is definitively next door to Lilly, then I guess I'm stuck being non-canonical here. Which I do try to avoid...

So, it's been a while since I read Hanako's or Lilly's path, so I'm not 100% sure, but as I remember it, Hanako's room is at the end of a hallway and shares a wall with Lilly's...
Okay, found a line in Hanako Act 3: "We quietly get up and file out of Lilly's room. Hanako's room is next door in the same hallway."
In Lilly's Act 2 we learn Lilly's room number is 225, and in Act 3 there's "Her room's position next to Lilly's is extremely convenient..."
That's what I got from the scripts. Not sure if there's more hints in the visuals - I've probably been through the scripts several times as often than I've read the actual VN...
As a side note, I just noticed an instance of "male dorm" in the VN script of the Lilly route which I apparently overlooked during the beta... Probably too late to send in the notice

In Asian countries in particular, from my experience at least, people are quite likely to ask questions or make comments on the basis of race, skin color, etc.

Not sure if it's just about being Asian or heterogenous either. What is considered offensive is both dependent on culture and also personality, and my impression is that in the US people are far more afraid of being considered racist than in other countries - those that care anyway.
Germany is also a quite heterogenous country - and not only since 2015 - and I wouldn't have any problem asking an acquaintance about their heritage - probably not on the first meeting, but I don't consider it a taboo issue either. Rather I think it's natural to be interested in your friends' backgrounds - as long as you don't get all condescending and judgemental about it which should go without saying.

I don't recall reading many, either. The one from Developments is all I can think of off the top of my head.

If you don't mind a shameless self-plug, try this one. At the very least it's quite short

Act 3 - Draw

"Did you get to the part about the Ezo Republic yet?"

Hitomi's voice behind me pulls me back to reality, and I realize that once again I've lost my concentration on my textbook, letting my thoughts drift to the events of the past couple weeks. Blinking, I quickly check where I am and recall the last section I was reading.

"No, I haven't."

I hear the sound of movement on the bed, and then Hitomi's face appears next to my head, looking over my shoulder at the textbook in my lap and the notebook on the floor beside me. Her brow furrows ever so slightly.

"You're a pretty slow reader."

Turning to face her, I meet her deep green eyes just as her own attention shifts to me. Darting in, I give my girlfriend a quick peck on the lips before she has time to avoid it- not that I think she would have anyway. She giggles, shaking her head as she sits back on her bed once again, disappearing from my field of vision.

I look back down at my history book and try to resume my studying, but once again find myself unable to concentrate, my thoughts drifting immediately to the girl sitting less than a meter from me. These study sessions have proven to be far less efficient than doing the work alone- at least on my end- but I don't really mind. Honestly, I care more about spending as much time with Hitomi as I can than getting my work done in the fastest manner possible. So what that I can't focus as well when I'm with her? I'm happy. For the first time in a long time, I'm really, genuinely happy.

We figured out that despite being in different classes, we have most of the same subjects, and quickly started studying together as often as possible. Our homework assignments usually differ, but not all that much, and we can still help each other to some degree as long as we're covering roughly the same material.

While my strengths lie in the math and particularly the science subjects, I've found Hitomi to be more well-balanced. She's quite a bit better than I am at English, Japanese, and a few other subjects, but I still have a bit of an edge on her in my specialty subjects. As a result, we're both able to help one another in at least some small way in almost every general subject we share, and using that as a thinly-veiled excuse, we've begun spending a good portion of our time in one dorm room or the other, pushing the boundary of curfew to its limit on several occasions.

Thinking back over these past two weeks since our mutual confession, I find myself grinning like an idiot. It's not that the days have been filled with nothing but good times- far from it. The first few days after Hitomi got back from the hospital were hard on her. The administration left her alone on Sunday, but first thing Monday she was called in to meet with the Nurse and the Principal together, both in the morning and then again after classes. Obviously, I couldn't attend with her, but I waited outside during the second meeting and walked her back to the dorms afterwards.

She wasn't particularly inclined to share all the details, but the gist of it came down to her freedom of movement becoming far more restricted for a limited period. That first week, she was not allowed to leave the campus at all without arranging a staff escort beforehand. Hitomi's solution to this was, naturally, to simply not leave the campus at all. I made a short grocery run for her since she had been unable to complete her shopping trip over the previous weekend, of course.

After that, she was instructed to inform her class representative any time she left campus, which she naturally found incredibly frustrating. I managed to convince her that it was worth it to be able to go places on her own again, and double checked with Lilly myself to make sure she wouldn't be overly concerned over Hitomi. I was surprised that Lilly wasn't rubbing my face in the whole situation, considering I had more or less ignored her earlier advice about encouraging Hitomi to take more precautions with her condition. She seemed perfectly understanding and polite when I spoke with her again. My best guess is that she has had to deal with people trying to limit her own independence in the past, and can sympathize with Hitomi on the subject, but I didn't actually ask her about it.

One thing that quite surprised me was that, to my knowledge, Hitomi's parents had not gotten in contact with her at all after the accident. I spoke with my own parents for the first time since arriving here just a few days after Hitomi returned to campus, giving them a brief summary of my impressions of this place without going into too much detail. I mentioned I was making friends, but decidedly avoided mentioning my new girlfriend. Somehow, I think I would have given my mother a heart attack of her own if I had dropped that news on her so suddenly.

Apparently, the administration did reach out to Hitomi's parents, and heard back from them. However, Hitomi herself never spoke to them. I asked her about it, only once, but her totally blank face and flat voice as she told me they had not spoken told me everything I needed to know. Don't ask. Leave it be.

Despite all of this, things between the two of us have been good. Better than good, really. Amazing. We walk to class together each morning, eat our lunch together, hang out in the woods together, study together… Basically, if we're not in classes or sleeping, we're spending time together one way or another. I had thought of Hitomi as pretty introverted, from my first impressions, but if she's finding things suffocating I can't tell at all. She initiates the time together just as or more often than I do, meeting me outside my classroom, or by the dorms, or wherever else we agree to.

One other rather convenient development was that she was required to keep her phone on her person. While I know she isn't a huge fan of the thing, it has removed the obstacle of searching for her aimlessly around the campus, and I can't say that I miss it.

A pair of bare, slender legs drop down beside me, hanging off the edge of the bed. Imagining the position the rather short girl must be lying in just to accomplish this, I laugh a bit to myself. Running a hand along her calf, I gently massage the muscles as I try yet again to pick up my reading on the end of the Edo Period.

---

Hitomi lets out a frustrated sigh. It's the first sound I've heard from her in several minutes, but I know immediately what it means.

"What page were you on?"

She takes a long, deep breath before replying.

"I didn't look at the number, but it was the one with the picture of the ships."

I flip ahead a few pages in my own book, and find the picture she's referring to. Starting from the top, I begin to read out loud.

Hitomi's fear that her recent accident had affected her vision proved not to be entirely unfounded after all. Though she recovered her sight at first, her condition seems to have accelerated significantly, with attacks occurring more frequently and lasting longer. We still don't know if this is just a psychosomatic reaction or a genuinely physical one, but the result is the same. It's rare that she goes an entire day without at least one attack, and often she loses her sight for hours at a time instead of just a few minutes or so. I've learned to take it in stride, taking over reading when we're studying together, or moving to reassure her and guide her back to the dorms if we're out in the woods.

Fortunately this attack is one of the shorter ones, since after only ten or fifteen minutes of reading, I hear Hitomi's breathing change behind me. The sound of rustling pages follows, and I drop off after finishing the paragraph without another word. Flipping back, I try to find where I was before I took over for Hitomi.

---

I've learned quite a lot about my girlfriend over the past few weeks, as we've spent so much time talking. She only started learning Kyudo a few years ago, for instance, and had grown interested in it because of her brother, Namboku. Her childhood best friend, Etsuko, was very different from Hitomi, far more friendly and interested in the people around her, but they had grown apart in recent years, and had not spoken since Hitomi had transferred to Yamaku.

Hitomi also told me various stories from her childhood, most of them involving Namboku or Etsuko, but nothing that gives me too much insight into Hitomi herself. And most distinctly, she rarely ever brings up her parents, except in small ways. I get the impression that there's a distance between Hitomi and her parents, but I've avoided asking about it. She'll tell me when she's ready, I'm sure.

Watching her walk ahead of me now, leading me into the woods, I can't help but smile. To think that just a few short weeks ago, we hadn't even met. I already knew from what happened in February how quickly things can change in a person's life, but now I've experienced that those sudden changes don't always have to be a bad thing.

We reach the clearing, and Hitomi sets down her gear, strapping on her bracer. Apparently, it keeps the bowstring from chafing her forearm. I settle down on the grass nearby with a book, content to watch her practice.

Even though I've seen her shoot her bow many, many times now, I'm still mesmerized by the sight. There's just something about her wild, carefree expression that pulls me in. All her fears and doubts about her future seem to fade away, leaving only the strong, confident woman I know her to be. It pains me to think that someday, when her condition makes her archery no longer possible, I might never see that expression again.

---

After Hitomi finishes practicing, we spend some time on the bench in quiet companionship, happy to watch the lights of the city slowly coming on as night begins to fall. It feels like we're an old couple, in ways, with our walks and benches and long, comfortable silences, but I don't mind. We're young in other ways.

Like now, for instance, as Hitomi's arms wrap around my torso to pull me in for another kiss. This has become a habit for her whenever we're out here, as if this spot is reserved for kissing alone. Elsewhere, I'm the one to initiate, but here it's always her. I respond eagerly, much more comfortable with the intimacy than I was the first few times. At least, I am at first, but after a few seconds when Hitomi would normally pull back, she surprises me by throwing a leg over me and straddling my waist, escalating things significantly.

I feel my heartbeat begin to quicken.

No.

Ignoring my anxieties, I kiss Hitomi back eagerly, pulling her against me as we continue to make out on the bench. I keep a small bit of my attention on my heartbeat, which is elevated but manageable at the moment. The rest is on the girl in front of me.

Darkness falls over the overlook as the sun finally sets, and Hitomi reluctantly pulls away from me, though remaining on my lap. She arches an eyebrow and glances down.

"Want to head back to my room?"

It's not her words, which are relatively common for us now, but her tone that suggests more meaning. A lot more. I grin, even as I begin to grow nervous. Taking my hand and standing, Hitomi pulls me to my feet, and we grab her gear as we begin to walk back towards the dorms.

Can I really do this?

We're fairly physically affectionate, but our relationship hasn't reached that point quite yet. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it. A lot. It's hard not to with Hitomi, especially considering the amount of time we spend alone. But the subject has always made me worry. I'm supposed to avoid any serious physical exertion, or anything that can get my heart racing too fast. How is this gonna work?

"Hisao?"

Apparently I'm letting my growing apprehension show. I look down to my girlfriend, who's gazing up at me with curiosity. Her expression shifts into concern, and I try to give her a reassuring smile. It doesn't seem to work.

"I'm okay." I try to focus on the path ahead, as we exit the woods and begin crossing the athletic field towards the dorms.

---

When we get to Hitomi's room, she locks the door behind us, something she often doesn't bother with. I raise an eyebrow at her, but she shakes her head and points to the bed, her expression serious. I nod and take a seat on the edge, content to wait quietly while she puts her bow and other accessories away. She sits beside me, taking my hand but looking down at the floor.

"You're worried that if we have sex it'll give you a heart attack, right?"

My jaw drops for a moment, and then I let out a single bark of laughter, shaking my head. I don't know why her frankness still surprises me.

"Yeah, basically."

She nods, squeezing my hand lightly.

"Maybe you can do something to make it easier."

I have trouble interpreting her tone. It's not one I hear often. I think maybe she's… nervous?

"Nurse was pretty insistent I work out somewhat to strengthen my heart. I haven't been good with that so far…"

She looks up at me, her expression hard to gauge. A mix of disappointment and concern, maybe. It makes my heart sink. As it dawns on me what she's getting at, I nod slowly.

"Maybe I could work out with you?"

She makes a face, shaking her head. "My workouts are pretty intense. And I like doing them alone."

I nod again. "I could ask Emi if she's still willing to run with me."

Hitomi brightens. "That could work. We need to get your heart healthy, Hisao. Not just so… you know."

"Yeah. I know."

I've been trying to avoid thinking about my own condition any more than I have to, preferring to focus on Hitomi and helping her through her struggles. It seems that time is over.

"I'll talk to her tomorrow."

Hitomi shakes her head. "Don't put it off."

"Fine," I sigh. "I'll text her right now."

I pull out my phone- then quickly realize I don't actually have Emi's number.

"Uh.."

Hitomi sighs, settling her head on my shoulder.

"You went running with a cute girl and never even got her number?"

I laugh again, putting my phone away.

"I guess I'm not as smooth as I thought."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure."

Hitomi kisses me again, and I can tell she wants to go further- but she stops after a moment or two.

"Maybe you should get out of here."

I nod, taking a deep breath to settle myself down.

"Probably a good idea, yeah."

We're both way too stirred up. If I stay here, we'll end up taking things somewhere we're not ready for. At least, I'm not. Hitomi is clearly ready.

"Uh, goodnight?"

Hitomi laughs at my awkwardness.

"Goodnight." She gives me a wink before ushering me out.

Well. I suppose I have some real motivation to get into better shape now.

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Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Wordcount: 2,664 / 64,020

My, my, look who's back! It's good to see another post from you, Xeraeo. It came at a pretty good time—I've been needing some motivation to get back on her and finally start chipping away at my every-expanding backlog of stories on these forums.

Anyway, eight months later, let's see if I still got it—and let's see if you've still got it.

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Jumping back into this story was surprisingly not too difficult. This scene does a nice job at alluding to necessary information from past scenes in a natural way. This is achieved cleverly through a time-skip. It's been a couple weeks since the last scene, and since then, quite a lot has changed. Some of my predictions came true, others... missed the mark. (I'm so sorry, I can't even stop myself... )

After all of the turmoil and stress at the end of Act 2, it's really lovely to see our lovebirds doing lovey-dovey stuff for the time being. Trying and failing to efficiently study in the presence of a friend or significant other is something that most of us can relate to. It's definitely something that you'd expect out of a new couple—wanting to spend as much time as possible together.

With how much time Hisao and Hitomi have spent together, I was pleased to see that Hitomi is developing a better system to take care of herself. Better yet, Hisao appears to have taken an active role in helping Hitomi with the struggles brought about by her intermittent blindness. The studying scene illustrated this well—there's a real sense companionship between Hisao and Hitomi here—and it feels like a situation that would naturally occur quite frequently in a relationship where one of the parties went blind from time to time. It's definitely a much more creative way to get the point across than simply telling the reader through exposition.

I had originally predicted that Hitomi would "shut down" while she was blind, and that Hisao would shut down without Hitomi, and while the latter is up still up for debate, it would seem that Hitomi is handling her blindness quite a bit better than I predicted. Hitomi now carries around a phone in case of emergencies (which I am taking credit for ), she seems to have figured things out with Lilly for the time being, and she has Hisao to lean on in circumstances where blindness is makes things difficult—like the studying from earlier. This all seems good, doesn't it? Really good, I would say, but that doesn't mean that Xeraeo hasn't snuck in a few loose ends for me to tug at.

It's brought up that the severity Hitomi's intermittent blindness is accelerating quickly. In two weeks, the frequency and length of blindness attacks is increasing substantially. I can't help but wonder if she's... panicking on the inside. If she is, she's doing well at hiding it, or maybe—at the risk of sounding like a hopeless romantic—Hisao is all she needs to be happy. Perhaps the answer is somewhere in between, but I can't help but speculate how Hitomi is handling these now-daily blindness attacks. For all she knows, she might not be able to shoot her bow next month! Speaking of which... isn't it about time that Hisao joins the fun? I mean, he watches Hitomi shoot her arrows whenever she goes to out to shoot them. When is he going to shoot one? That's some next-level bonding material right there. My boy Hisao and my girl Hitomi are sitting on a gold mine and they're blind to it! (See what I did there? )

This brings up something else that I noticed throughout the scene. Hisao and Hitomi are really close, now. Like, really close. They appear very comfortable around each other, so much so that the looming possibility of sex strikes them both in this scene—but I'll save that for later. The two are very focused on each other, which I hope doesn't become problematic...

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Okay, this scene through me for quite the loop when it brought up the subject of Hitomi's parents... To be frank, this conflict kind of came out of nowhere for me, as it must have for Hisao—unless I'm not remembering some big play foreshadowing from the previous two acts. However, considering what Xeraeo has told me previously, I don't think I'm missing much foreshadowing:

Xeraeo wrote: ↑Tue Oct 13, 2020 5:23 pm And as for Hitomi's parents... well, we know next to nothing about them right now.

Regardless of how unexpected and out of nowhere it is, the conflict remains a mystery, which makes me excited! Where are these mystical parents? Why won't she talk about them? She seems to enjoy talking about her brother and her best friend, but she still doesn’t say much about herself, and she never talks about her parents. It seems like it’s a touchy subject. For the time being, Hisao is leaving the issue alone. Considering how things turned out in Scene 2-9, I can understand why Hisao might be inclined to let Hitomi bring it up when she's ready.

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Then, of course, this scene ends in the most hardcore way it could have. Our love birds go to their nest and things start getting S E R I O U S. It's clear that Hitomi would like to take their relationship even further in the physical direction, but Hisao is clearly nervous about having a heart attack. Hitomi notices too, and brings it up in the most frank manner possible—which made me laugh. Even though it's been eight months since the last scene update, Hitomi is still recognizable as herself.

Anyway, both of them realize that Hisao is going to have to shape up if they want to shake it up (I can’t believe I’m writing this), so he asks Hitomi if he can work out with her, but to my surprise, she turns him down… Hmmm... With how much these two spend time together, I was expecting that Hitomi would be jumping at the chance to spend even more time with her boyfriend. But who knows, maybe Hitomi's got a reason for it—the intensity of her workouts being one possible reason. Either way, Hisao decides to talk to Emi about working out with her the next day. Excited to see how that turns out! Hopefully she's not still that mad at Hisao for bailing like the beta male that we all know he is!

Either way, it's kind of funny when you step back and realize that in this continuity, Hisao is going to be working out for the sole purpose of having sex. (I know that I'm oversimplifying it quite a bit and that having sex is not the sole purpose—I'm just goofing )

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No typos spotted!

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All in all, a very good scene! It's really nice to be reading more Hitomi content again. This chapter gives us some uninterrupted Hisao and Hitomi time, but I'm also looking forward to seeing what's in store for your carefully well-developed band of side characters! What's the deal with Miki holding back at races? Can Hisao and Molly be good friends? Is Suzu going to try and hook Molly up with Kenji next?! Will Hitomi find it in her heart to become friends with Suzu and Molly, or Shizune and Misha?

I feel like your writing holds up well, with some good humor, creative ideas, and an interesting premise that hopefully can carry this story through Act 3 and beyond!

So, yeah. To answer my prompt from the beginning of this post: you've still got it.

Alright, to open up I've gotta be honest. I started reading this for wholly selfish reasons. (spoilers for the vague idea of a project I plan on working on some time in the future) I am interested in writing a route following a girl that's into archery as well, and wanted to make sure my character wasn't too similar to Hitomi since I knew that this route existed. It became apparent very quickly that that wasn't the case. I could have stopped there since I knew any similarities between the two characters/stories were surface level, but I decided to stick with reading more and I am very happy that I did because this story drew me in and kept me invested. In short, I was hooked. So Lets get into it.

Full copy of my notes, though they are hard for even me to make sense of some times. If I ever do this method for another story I'll definitely try to be more organized Any parts I felt were worth copying over I did throughout the comment:

Its been a while since I did a long-form comment like this, and on top of that I went about it differently this time around compared to comments I've left previously on other stories. The short version of my usual method was quite simply to read and then at the end run through my memories and mindset in reflection of the story. But I couldn't really do that this time around because of the in depth discussions that were happening between chapters. So, to allow me to read those and still have documentation of my own thought I jotted down some notes as I read. over 2k words of notes. I expect this comment to be longer considering I have more to say than just what I jotted down (and since I haven't even started running through those yet). And before even then, there's some general thoughts I wanted to go over.

First of all, I love Hitomi as a character. Her actions, motivations, attitude, interaction, etc. were all fantastic. She may have been a bit cold at the start, but when she warmed up, she was great. Next up, Hisao was also a really great character to experience in this story. Some of my favorite Hisao's are the more complex and troubled ones that have a bit more of focus on them in the story they're in (see Switching Dynamics, for example). Third, the side characters. I loved all of the characters you included and how you incorporated, from "main" girls like Emi and Lilly to side characters like Molly and Miki. Each added another layer of life to this world that helped it breathe and kept me reading moment to moment. Final thing I want to touch on is your writing style. I really enjoyed the flow, prose, structure, and overall feel of the story. Besides a couple small hitches I'll get into later, at a technical level this story was a really nice read. Overall, I loved reading this story and should you ever come back to continue working on it I'll be eager to continue.

From here on out I'm just going to go through and "re-write" my notes to convey my thoughts and reactions as I was reading through the story. Unfortunately I only got the idea to start taking notes a chapter or two into Act 2, so before that is more general. That being said, I may skip ahead or backwards in the story throughout as I'm going into detail about different topics, depending on their relevancy. So let's get to it.

One thing stuck out to me early on in the story is that every time one of the main girls was introduced - spare Hanako and Rin - their personalities felt like a much more abrasive and confrontational or aggressive version of their counter-parts in the visual novel. Emi and Shizune both seemed to have a more aggressive edge to their temper, while Lilly felt more manipulative and scheming. That being said, I also took note just how much of a negative outlook Hisao had on the world at this point. As would be revealed later on in the story I suspect this might've been the cause for how I felt at that point in the story. As Hisao starts to calm down and settle in to his new life at Yamaku the Edge in those three fades and eventually vanishes. It's a nice use, intentional or not, of unreliable narrator. Not to mention I think Hisao is a straight up dick at multiple times early on in the story. Like when he just walks off the track with nothing but a wave, or basically rage quits the game of risk instead of playing out the loss (I think that's how it went down at least, as I said, wasn't taking notes just yet. That's just what the memory recalls). So it makes sense that these characters may be less... warm to Hisao at this point in the story. And Lilly would see less likable traits in him as well, so she'd probably act in a bit more detached manner as well. Yet even this early on there's moments of light where we see that Hisao has hope. He doesn't completely scare off Hanako, and though he frequently has harsher thoughts related to her, it's a glimmer of hope that Hisao, somewhere deep down, wants to grow.

As for the star of the show, her calming, unjudgmental aura works really well with this Hisao. Especially when compared to the anger and harshness in Hisao's attitude. The way she just accepts the present as it is, rejects what she wants to reject, etc… it works. Their early interactions at the outlet in the woods were amazing. My note regarding the early meeting is "Chatty covers a lot of what I would say." Also as a side note (slight spoilers for my story, Uncertainty) It was funny to see someone else use Hisao looking into a mirror to reflect on his current situation. Having commissioned an actual picture of it made it very easy for me to visualize, though the details are a little different.

I really liked the reveal moment for Hitomi's disability. The entire sequence for the fair was a joy to read and a great combination of fun, cute, endearing, and heartbreaking. I was initially worried after its reveal that her disability would be used for dramatic affect, as in, only when convienent to the plot, but decided to ignore that worry since I didn't mind it is PsuPsu-Suzu. Later on this worry would also be squashed by the uses and inclusions in the story, but I'll get to those later.

By the end of Act 1, I realized that I was going through a cycle I hadn't for a little bit of time. Reading a story, then getting inspired for inclusions and such for my own stories. I had to pause reading on many occasions to jot down a note, which in the moment annoyed me because I wanted to keep reading .

Then comes the introduction of Molly, Taro, Miki, and Suzu to the story, and not only were their inclusions natural and well written, they were fun too read. The first scene where Hisao went to town with them was nice. The only thing I wished for at the time was maybe a moment on the way back up the hill where someone pressed Hisao on not doing well. It felt like it was building to it, then just moved on. Maybe that was just me.

After that scene, another very cute scene played out where Hisao and Hitomi get closer to eachother. However, despite how cute the scene was, a part of me felt like it was a sort of "sudden jump" in their relationship. Before this point they didn't have much intimant scenes, just a couple vulnerable ones, and they go straight into a comforting hug. I felt like I was expecting a bit more build-up either in the scene itself, or in scenes before this one.

Emi's second appearance was the beginning of a series of confirmations that the abrasiveness of the main girls was a perception issue on Hisao's part, if not a result of his attitude. The second big Emi interaction also made me realize that Emi and Hitomi are alike in a few distinct way. They are both people Hisao needs to work with and respect, building up trust slowly before they are willing to really open up to Hisao. Trying to push them too fast causes them to close themselves off, but after you've earned their trust, it's like getting to the other side of a hill. the two just wear different masks before then. Side note: Speaking of main game character interactions, Hitomi's solution to handling Kenji was great. Loved it.

It was around this point in the story that i had a growing worry regarding Hisao. It felt like he was relying on Hitomi too much and also being rather hypocritical. He'd worry about her in the exact same way that'd cause him to nearly snap at others around him.

As with Emi's second appearance, Shizune's next showing was much more pleasant, though not without an interesting twist. She tossed out the idea that perhaps Hitomi was not getting along with others due to a prejudice towards other. I hadn't considered the possibility before then, but my immediate reaction was "Aren't there a lot, and I mean a lot, of students there that don't "look" disabled? For one, Suzu. If she isn't dozing off in a Yamaku uniform, you'd just assume she has bad sleep patters. Ikuno, Akio, Naomi, Natsume, and on and on all popped up. Even Shizune can "look" normal until you try to speak to her. It felt like this hypothesis had cracks from the beginning and, of all people, I'd have expected Shizune to be aware of them. Perhaps she was just blind to them cause it would mean she had to explanation for Hitomi's attitude towards nearly everyone there. In any case, it still planted the seed of doubt in Hisao's mind. Maybe Shizune just didn't mention them because Hisao never brought it up either.

Then the first of two important heel turn in Hitomi's mood come into play. When Hisao went to her room and found that she had lost her vision, it was like all the life had left Hiromi. She didn't even dress herself properly. Then, when her vision comes back, it's a complete 180. She' up and ready to go. I'll talk about this more when the second one rolls around to the end.

Them ending up at the noodle shop and interacting with Suzu and Miki was a good scene as well. Two things were on my mind here. 1: I was curious as to why Suzu had such a big issue with Hitomi. My first suspicion was related to the idea Shizune just brought up, and perhaps Hitomi made a comment or something to one of Suzu's friends leading to resentment. The second was in relation to the other readers take-away that Hitomi couldn't be prejudiced because she was talking to Miki here. That's a bad summarization of the points, but I didn't think it out-right disproved the possibility of Hitomi being prejudiced. She wasn't exactly warm to Miki, just not unresponsive. Here's my notes specifically around that conversation:

The moment Suzu left the class leaving Molly and Hisao alone I had suspicions that Molly might have a crush on Hisao. To cover the whole story-line now, I thought it was a nice series of events even if a part of me died every time the two were alone together. Especially because it was clearly doomed. The build-up, realization, and rejection all played out really well. Being honest, I was expecting a bigger blow-out and was at many point worried that Hisao might jeopardize their friendship as well, but I was happy to be proved wrong. Seeing all the tension between the two melt away and just enjoy talking to each other was great. I might mention a bit more as I get to the notes around that later on, but overall I thought it was a great addition to the story and chatty's (I think) comparisons between Molly and Hitomi with regards to their relationship with Hisao were on point. Definitely not filler, and worth the large chunck of Act 2 that it played it in.

Miki's actions and comments regarding Emi definitely make me think she's holding herself back. But mostly I think she just like running, not so much winning. It being a help to Emi is a nice bonus.

Speaking of Hitomi, everything that played out with her after the - from my perspective - sudden hug progressed really nicely and enjoyably. I particularly liked the kiss on the cheek scene. I'd say "not too much more to add here," besides just great chemistry and progression and it was fantastic to read, but throughout the progression it always felt like Hisao was tense. More than just nervous about a new relationship, but worried that she'd make a comment about his Heart. All the while he's constantly worrying about her losing her vision. Like he was worried everything was going to fall apart at any moment.
Then comes the fight in the city. For me, it was the start of all the cracks in their relationship starting to really show. Both of them need to confront the issues neither of them want to. Otherwise they'll end up saying much worse to each other than this.

Lilly continues the pattern and confirmation that as Hisao grows, those around him seem less harsh as well. I agree with Brister that Hisao's actions here felt like a sudden jolt in progress, similar to how I described the hug, just backwards this time. But I disagree with his viewpoints on the specific line Hisao said when he snapped at Hitomi. Here's my notes regarding that: "I disagree with Brister about the line where Hisao snaps at Hitomi. I think it fits, and for me the “explanation point” was more so to highlight how snappy Hisao is, not “loud.” Difference between this one and the previous “close calls” is that he’s with the one person he’s felt comfortable with. There’s nothing to filter or hold back his burst of anger and he just lets it out."
Side note: the Sendai Daikannon was cool to learn about. Might have to use it in something of my y own at some point. It's a very striking statue, and the fact that it's so (relatively) close to Yamaku is nice.

Here's where I did have something about the meta commentary negatively effect me. On one hand seeing the author of the story interact and talk about the writing process and the story in general was really nice. On the other, I felt that the constant reminders that "I don't know where it's going either" pulled me out of the story a couple times. It doesn't change how I ultimately felt about the story as a whole, but in the moment it did hurt a bit. Note taken at the time this issue really stood out to me: The writing is good. The execution is good. The story is good. Constantly peeling back the illusion of structure can be fun… in moderation. Let me, as the reader, stew in the excitement and idea that everything might have a good purpose. Again, it doesn't change the fact that I really like where the story went and how it was written, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Might even just be on me for reading all the inbetween commentary. Anywho, back to praising...

I really loved the kiss and confession scene. I know I'm jumping forward a bit, but this is where the notes lead me. If I had to comment about what came before this, I'd say that the tension was built really, really well. I think the notes I took here best represent how I felt about the situation as a whole, and tie up the comment I made earlier about how Hitomi handles her vision coming back:
"The kiss and confession was cute. Though I do want to address something. Early on I was worried that the intermittent nature of Hitomi’s blindness might lead to plot conveniences. Happy to say I don’t think that’s the case and it has been handled well. Everything about where Hitomi was, what happened, when it came back, all of that worked for me. No more notes right now on that. As for the story implications here, while I do believe the two were well on their to becoming a couple, there’s one troubling edge to it that lingers and has happened multiple times now. Hitomi’s burst of confidence and energy after her eyesight returns. Obviously it makes sense. Every time it happens is likely a very, very relieving and happy moment. “I get to see some more of the world for a little bit longer.” But it also makes me worry that Hitomi rushes towards the “next step” as quickly as possible as soon as it happens. Notably, one of the earlier times it happened she immediately invites Hisao to go to town. This time, it goes right into the confession/kiss. Again, I think both cases were things that were forgone conclusions and definitely where things were going regardless. But if this is the case, it’s also true that Hitomi might do the opposite when she loses her vision. She’ll slow down and stall. She’ll wait. Just like she’s waited to learn to live without vision, she’ll wait to express herself and live in the moment until she gets “the full experience” of the moment. This might cause conflict at some point."

Chatty also brought up Hitomi's sudden move to kiss Hisao, which was nice to read as I knew I wasn't alone in feeling that.

There was also some discussion about Hitomi's eyesight suddenly returning at this point. Once again, I think my notes say it best:
"Seeing discussion about the “convenience” of Hitomi’s eyesight returning reminds me of some writing advice I heard a while back. Definitely can’t remember the specifics, but the general take-away was that if you wanted to have a “dues-ex machina” type moment to save the day or make something good happen, you can only do so by building up enough trust with the reader, and not going over-board with the results. Basically, don’t save the world with it, but little moments of joy can come from these if done right and after earning enough trust, and by not relying on doing it often. I think Hitomis eyesight coming back is a perfect example of this. Trust was built of the course of the story and it’s paying off in many ways. Moments of brightness like this are earned. Yet even then, as I mentioned earlier, I also think it’s building to yet another tense moment in an even darker scenario."

Not too much to say about the start of Act 3. It felt like a nice lead-in to wherever the story intends to go next. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about the school’s solution and response to Hitomi’s accident, but after some thought I think it was probably pretty fair. It’s not like she necessarily did anything wrong, but she was negligent, so the school’s solution to “assist” her while also putting a leash of sorts on her works. I like the interactions between Hisao and Hitomi in this chapter too. It’s nice. Though Hisao not going to Nurse and having a frank discussion about intimacy by this point is yet another reminder that he still has some growing to do, which luckily, he seems to agree with. Interested to see where this goes next… if it’s ever picked back up.

Before I get to the end, I just want to say that Chatty and Brister's discussion were also a joy to read from start to finish as well. I may be years behind, but it was like I was sitting in on a discussion and it was fun.

So overall, I really, really liked reading this story. At it's best, it reminded me of some of my favorite elements from other stories. The drama, tension, and pain of Learning to Fly, the liveliness of the world and interesting dynamic of a depressed Hisao from the likes of Switching Dynamics, the realistic approaches to relationships of Developments, and the flow and ability to get me lost in the pages like is PsuPsu-Suzu. And at it's worst, there wasn't more story to read or I was hoping for more scenes before certain ones. Really liked reading this. And should you come back to finish the story, Xeraeo, I'll be here to read it.

Hey! What is this?! Someone else coming in here and writing a long-form review of To Miss the Mark?! That's my thing! I can't let this stand!

Haha, in all seriousness... Hi there, Stealthy! I know it's been a few months since you posted here, but I wanted to say thanks for taking the time to stop by and give this story a bump! I'm honored that you took the time to sift through all of the rambling nonsense that Brister and I were pumping out all those years ago. That's the true beauty of these forums: following a story as it's being written, discussing it amongst your peers, arguing about this and that, theorizing about which turns it might take, and sometimes even receiving cryptic breadcrumbs straight from the mouth of the author! I wish you could've been there as new chapters were rolling out.

I'm very happy to see that new writers like yourself have stopped by to keep these forums active! I hope that you enjoy your stay. I'll say that I look back very fondly on the time I spent with this community.

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For those who may be curious: I'm doing just fine! I know I haven't posted in a few... years, but I occasionally still lurk on here. During the COVID years, I had a looooot of free time, but as life gradually returned to normal, I started spending less and less time online. I've grown a lot in the four years since I first posted here. I'm working a full-time internship now, and learning lots every day. I don't write very much anymore, but I do have close friends that do, and I frequently get to proofread their projects! Some old habits die hard, perhaps.

Chatty Wheeler wrote: ↑Sun Jul 07, 2024 9:24 pm

I'm very happy to see that new writers like yourself have stopped by to keep these forums active! I hope that you enjoy your stay. I'll say that I look back very fondly on the time I spent with this community.

Hey Chatty! Glad to hear you're doing well and Thanks for the welcome! Definitely enjoying my time here so far. This past year and a half has been a wild ride and reading the stories here (like this one), interreacting with others in the community, and writing more than I've ever written before has been a great journey. I frequently also wish I had found KS sooner and joined the community earlier, but the butterfly effect dictates massive changes likely would've happened. In any case, I'm happy I ended up here and it's no exaggeration to say KS and the community came to me at the perfect time to help me through a massive slump in my life. Welp, back to the grindstone for me! (not that I mind) Take care and maybe we'll see you come around here again down the line

Stealthy, thank you for taking the time to read my story, and write out such detailed notes! I truly appreciate it, even if it's been years since I've touched this forum.

Chatty, good to see you too.

To answer the obvious question, and I'm sorry to disappoint anyone who may still care, but I don't have any current intention to return to this story in the near future. KS was very helpful for me during one of the most difficult times in my life, and reading and writing these stories was an experience I'll never forget, but it feels like a distant past version of me at this point.

I did have a decent structure put together for where this story would have gone from here, but the majority of it was in my head since my note taking with creative enterprises is always shoddy. I'm sorry to say the vast majority of it is now lost to my bad memory.

It's strange what just a few years does to your perspective sometimes. I've gone from being a borderline depressed loner with a dead end job and a controlling relationship to being a healthy, happy, functional adult with a promising career and a wonderful, healthy relationship in just a couple years.

I don't feel like I've lost my creative potential exactly, but I no longer have the massive amounts of time to myself where my brain would stew on things like this. I do wonder about the connection between mental illness / depression and creativity though.

Anyway, enough rambling.

Stealthy, I look forward to reading any story you produce!

The legend himself! Glad you're in a better place, and if the cost of that is the rest of this story than it's a price worth paying. I'm similar when it comes to not being great about taking notes. Maybe I should start doing that as a failsafe... Perhaps a day will come where it comes back to you or you'll gain a new spark of inspiration and To Miss the Mark will return (ideally while in a better mental place ). I mean, Flutter went on a 7 year Hiatus and now Sharp-O's back in action, so you never know.

In any case, Hope you enjoy what I write! Slow as the updates may be...