Hmm. I haven't had a good opportunity to speak my piece about myself (and have people actually listen) for a long while now; may as well give it a shot. My story's not nearly as sad or moving as some of the others on here. It's kind of simple, really: I'm just a shy, sensitive fellow who's never really had any close friends.
I've always been a rather introverted, shy person, with a preference for sedentary activities as opposed to active ones (sports, etc.). My idea of 'fun' was always things like watching TV, or playing with toys at the dinner table, or playing video games (all things I still do to this day, with a passion!). Unfortunately, because of this, and because I'm naturally uneasy around strangers, I didn't make friends well with other children. All throughout my school years, even in high school, I only ever had three people I'd consider friends - and none of them *true* friends, in the 'emotional connection' sense. Just schoolyard buddies to kill time between classes with. They never really liked the things I did either, which is why they eventually left me.
In high school especially, I noticed that while other people cared about things like social status and girls and such, I was still in a 'child' mindset - I just wanted to play and have fun. Two of my friends gradually outgrew me because of this; they started hanging out with other people and just stopped talking to me eventually. The third, in a way, was worse - he was a very hard-working, high-grade-scoring overachiever type. At the end of 10th grade, he applied to and got accepted by a higher-level school of math and sciences and thus transferred away, leaving me without any friends left. I never did forgive him for that - I certainly understand *why* he did it, but it still pissed me off, to the point where I now tend to dislike overachievers on principle. :T (Oddly enough, Shizune is my favorite KS girl, mostly because her ultimate motivations are revealed to be not entirely unlike my own - a person longing for friendship, who has trouble connecting with people.)
Anywho. Point is, I only had a few aquaintences, and lost all of them because they grew up, self-actualized, and such, whereas I didn't. With no friends left, the last two years of high school and all four years of college were more or less a wash - I enjoyed them in and of themselves, but didn't have any emotional support along the way. Even worse, by that point I finally started to grow up a little - maturing in mindset, desiring social interaction - but because it was at such a late stage, I had no experience. This compounded my shyness and made it impossible for me to talk to people on even a rudimentary level.
Years pass, and over time I began to get depressed - more than anything, I wanted a significant other, and maybe one or two other close friends. The great irony is that despite my shyness, I found myself growing up into an incredibly sensitive, social creature - I desperately *wanted* to interact with people, but was too shy to make it happen. (I know how poor Hanako feels...) I was all emo for a time. Then, two things happened.
First, I got my first job. Actually, my *only* job so far, as a security supervisor for a distribution center. The work is relatively simple, easy to do a good job of it as long as you put forth the effort and the right attitude, and gives me just the right amount of responsibility over suboordinates that I can handle. More importantly, it effectively placed me in a position to interact with people on a daily basis - the security desk effectively functions as the reception desk too, so I'm basically playing receptionist in addition to watching the security network. I've been at it for nigh on 8 years now, and over time the constant interaction with peope (even on just a professional basis) has done wonders for my social skills.
I'm still uneasy around strangers and do badly when it comes to breaking the ice, but at least now I feel confident that I could, say, talk to a pretty girl and not immediately run off screaming "I'vegottagodosomething!"
Second, I became involved with the fan community of a certain series of semi-obscure PC games (in the interests of anonymity, I won't mention which one). The people there were very friendly, intelligent, and receptive to a sensitive type like me, and as a result I began developing Internet friendships that hold strong even to this day. Granted, they're not the emotionally intimate friendships I wish I had in real life, but they definitely mean more to me (and I to them) than my old schoolyard buddies. Additionally, I began tabletop RPing with some of them (via the Internet, of course), and not only has said RP gradually improved my (already formidable) skill with the written word, but taught me how to sublimate my shyness by 'roleplaying' confidence. There's a certain terrifying, roller-coaster-like rush to be had from being a shy guy who's putting on his best lady-killer smile and hoping nobody will call his bluff...
With these two forces working on me, I've spent the past several years doing the things I should have been doing back in high school - learning how to socialize, learning how to not take things personally, learning that being a sensitive, empathic personality is a *good* thing in this often callous world - and most importantly, learning that just because I'm shy and a man-child doesn't mean I'm hopeless. I *am* shy - that will never really go away, I think - but once that critical first contact is made, I can finally interact with people like a normal human being (if a decidedly geeky one who still likes to play with Legos). My depression has gradually given way over the years to a sense of "wistful lonliness" - I still long to find those close friendships and romances, but I no longer feel like I can't function without them. Sure, I still get sad and cry over it sometimes, but it's *good* crying - a "beautiful sadness", to quote Butters from South Park - and not the sort where you start falling into dark places and can't get back out. My mood has improved so much that, after a serious car crash last year left me uninjured save for extensive bruising, I walked (limped) out of the hospital *grinning* - feeling like I'd just cheated death and gotten away with it. If I'd been in the same situation several years ago, I'd have probably collapsed into a veritable black hole of despair.
I'm 30 years old, and to this day, I've never had a romantic relationship. I've never had sex, never kissed a girl, rarely talked to any at all. I don't meet many people because all of my favorite activities involve TVs and computer screens. And I'm overweight, which doesn't exactly make me more appealing to the opposite gender (or even the same one). But I'm not depressed anymore. Why?
Because I've finally realized: I'm pretty freakin' awesome.
(See? There's that confidence bluff again.) I'm sweet, sensitive, empathic, compassionate, playful, good-natured - just about everything that would appeal to a
single woman seeking a good man. Yes, I'm shy...yes, I'm fat...yes, I still collect Transformers and Nerf guns, laugh at wacky cartoons, and suffer withdrawel if I go anywhere without a Nintendo handheld in my pocket. But you know what? Someday I'm going to find a girl who likes me in spite of all that (or maybe because of it?), and now I know I'll actually be able to talk to her when that times comes.
Although...I probably won't tell her about the part when I cried repeatedly over the trials and tribulations of the characters in a certain freeware visual novel. That would just be embarassing.
(Know what else is embarassing? Taking so long to type up a post that the forum idle-kicks you out of your login. Eh heh heh.
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