Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Beoran]

Episca, since my wife came from the other side of the globe, I know your feeling pretty well. After I met her, and also before and after we got married we had to miss each other for months... It was terrible. We couldn't stand missing each other... We were older than you, though, so we had our studies out of our way. We got married and went to live together as soon as we could. I wasn't ready for marriage. Maybe I'm still not. But I'm glad we went through with it anyway. I wouln't have been able to miss her for much longer.

All I can say is you'll have to fight to go see her, as much as you can, get an (extra) job to pay for the ticket and then get that holiday and go meet her. Perhaps, if you think she's ready, get engaged. Not with one of those silly rings that cost a fortune but with a simple one that reflects her personal likes. Make plans together. Whatever it takes, but hang in there. I hope everything will go well for both of you and that yu'll finally be reunited for good as soon as is practically possible.

[Surreal-mind]

So.... I didn't receive any news this week. Maybe it'll happen next week ? I don't know, the suspense is killing me.
Aside from that, I've been feeling kind of bad the whole week. My mind has been plagued with negative thoughts for days.
Some are important things,some are the typical what-ifs, some are really stupid and others are just plain Rin-esque.
I'm not really deppressed or anything right now, but I do feel bad.
Maybe I'll go watch some game center cx or work on my art a bit more to take my mind off things...
doubt it'll help much, but whatever.

[introfate]

Surreal-Mind, as much as doubt fills the mind as a primary feeling try not to resort to it. Its tough granted. It took me a while, but in the end it will make you a bit happier. Especially doubting favored interests. Don't allow the wait to weigh down on you too much =). The feeling you're feeling is a bit like what I experienced. It isn't depression but a mild form of anxiety mixed but with a bit of general unhappiness, write your thoughts down. Not the best advice but it may possibly help. If they're a lot of why questions, pinpoint the specific answer.

As for me, I sent her a link to a video over YouTube. I noticed on her feed, she liked it. Which indeed is a great sign.

[Kouryuu]

I have decided this weekend I am going to send that message. I told introfate I would post the story on the forums, I had actually already wrote the story a month or so ago, so some things may be out of place but I tried to edit it as much as possible. So if you were interested in the person who means most to me, here is why;

I met her through a friend I met on a kind of dating site(never met anyone this way before or after). One day when talking to said friend on messenger with webcam she had some friends over and one of them was her. I didnt see or hear from her again for maybe a few weeks until one day I get a text from her, to this day I have no idea why but I am glad it happened. So from that point we texted all day everyday for about a week. We then moved onto messenger all day every day for another week or two. We then moved onto webcam all day everyday, that smile destroyed all the negativity every time. Conversations clicked perfectly every time, it was an odd feeling I've never felt before or even since. That click was amazing. I am not joking even 2 years later, still the same click. We'd even play stupid games like I spy, who can outdo the others hug/smile or hide and seek to name a few. Despite this being rather stupid I enjoyed it immensely.

I told myself from the very start that I just want to stay friends, I didnt want a relationship especially with her being 4 hours away. What I didnt anticipate, however, was how perfect things were going to be(I dont mean literal perfection, I mean perceived perfection, I.E. as perfect as is possible in this world or perfect to me).

After talking all day everyday for about 6 months things took a bad turn. My depression of around 4-5 years returned and conversations turned to me saying how depressed I am and her cheering me up. Conversations still magically clicked but I became dependant on her. I read alot of depression articles and knew that being dependant was bad. This went on for about a year until I pretty much lost my mind. I had a bit of a breakdown, my lowest moment in my life where I actually came close to suicide(even though suicide was a common thought on a daily basis), this was the closest I had ever been and really believed I would do it. Luckily she was able to calm me down, out of all the people who talked to me she was the only one able to stop me.

The last 6 months of the friendship I must have told her I was going to stop talking to her about 5-6 times. I still hadnt told her how I felt, I was too scared of losing her and even if she was interested I was too scared that things would change or that I wasnt good enough for her (considering my depression in retrospect I still think this is true). Eventually I did ask her out...twice. She naturally turned me down, she doesnt want someone as broken as me. The second time was a few days later as I realised she didnt change how she talked to me one bit and for some reason I hoped that she changed her mind, ofcourse not.

So eventually 2 months later I told myself that I was being disrespectful to her (I still dont know the correct way to word it but basically felt like I was throwing her help back at her or not being good enough for her). She was trying to help and I was getting worse. I decided that I was going to stop talking to her until I fixed myself. At first I was really down. I was lower than normal for about a month but I knew I had to make myself better before I could face her.

3 years later and here I am. She was basically the motivation for me overcoming depression. I consider her my biggest hero because without her I wouldnt have been determined enough to beat it. So when my old friends used to hate when I talked about her I didnt care, she means everything to me and still does <3.

Whether or not I get back in contact with her wont change what I think and believe. She will always be my biggest inspiration for anything .

So now you know what she means to me ^^.

[introfate]

Wow! Kouryuu, I see the admiration, adoration, and the strong bond you two shared. It's amazing to see true friendship through another set of eyes. If she had gone the extra mile to help you when you were at your lowest point it really does show true friendship. I mean most people would view you differently after a relationship attempt, she didn't. As much as it pains me to give you this piece of advice, I think it would be best to recover that friendship and maintain it. Don't become to overzealous with the thought of an intimate relationship. I mean honestly, it's better to have had a true friend. I can't recall a single person who would have been how she was. Send that message.

Sorry my thoughts aren't as collective as they have been previously. A bit worn out.

[Xiious]

Today...was not a good day.

[DrNonookee]

Hmm. I haven't had a good opportunity to speak my piece about myself (and have people actually listen) for a long while now; may as well give it a shot. My story's not nearly as sad or moving as some of the others on here. It's kind of simple, really: I'm just a shy, sensitive fellow who's never really had any close friends.

I've always been a rather introverted, shy person, with a preference for sedentary activities as opposed to active ones (sports, etc.). My idea of 'fun' was always things like watching TV, or playing with toys at the dinner table, or playing video games (all things I still do to this day, with a passion!). Unfortunately, because of this, and because I'm naturally uneasy around strangers, I didn't make friends well with other children. All throughout my school years, even in high school, I only ever had three people I'd consider friends - and none of them *true* friends, in the 'emotional connection' sense. Just schoolyard buddies to kill time between classes with. They never really liked the things I did either, which is why they eventually left me.

In high school especially, I noticed that while other people cared about things like social status and girls and such, I was still in a 'child' mindset - I just wanted to play and have fun. Two of my friends gradually outgrew me because of this; they started hanging out with other people and just stopped talking to me eventually. The third, in a way, was worse - he was a very hard-working, high-grade-scoring overachiever type. At the end of 10th grade, he applied to and got accepted by a higher-level school of math and sciences and thus transferred away, leaving me without any friends left. I never did forgive him for that - I certainly understand *why* he did it, but it still pissed me off, to the point where I now tend to dislike overachievers on principle. :T (Oddly enough, Shizune is my favorite KS girl, mostly because her ultimate motivations are revealed to be not entirely unlike my own - a person longing for friendship, who has trouble connecting with people.)

Anywho. Point is, I only had a few aquaintences, and lost all of them because they grew up, self-actualized, and such, whereas I didn't. With no friends left, the last two years of high school and all four years of college were more or less a wash - I enjoyed them in and of themselves, but didn't have any emotional support along the way. Even worse, by that point I finally started to grow up a little - maturing in mindset, desiring social interaction - but because it was at such a late stage, I had no experience. This compounded my shyness and made it impossible for me to talk to people on even a rudimentary level.

Years pass, and over time I began to get depressed - more than anything, I wanted a significant other, and maybe one or two other close friends. The great irony is that despite my shyness, I found myself growing up into an incredibly sensitive, social creature - I desperately *wanted* to interact with people, but was too shy to make it happen. (I know how poor Hanako feels...) I was all emo for a time. Then, two things happened.

First, I got my first job. Actually, my *only* job so far, as a security supervisor for a distribution center. The work is relatively simple, easy to do a good job of it as long as you put forth the effort and the right attitude, and gives me just the right amount of responsibility over suboordinates that I can handle. More importantly, it effectively placed me in a position to interact with people on a daily basis - the security desk effectively functions as the reception desk too, so I'm basically playing receptionist in addition to watching the security network. I've been at it for nigh on 8 years now, and over time the constant interaction with peope (even on just a professional basis) has done wonders for my social skills. I'm still uneasy around strangers and do badly when it comes to breaking the ice, but at least now I feel confident that I could, say, talk to a pretty girl and not immediately run off screaming "I'vegottagodosomething!"

Second, I became involved with the fan community of a certain series of semi-obscure PC games (in the interests of anonymity, I won't mention which one). The people there were very friendly, intelligent, and receptive to a sensitive type like me, and as a result I began developing Internet friendships that hold strong even to this day. Granted, they're not the emotionally intimate friendships I wish I had in real life, but they definitely mean more to me (and I to them) than my old schoolyard buddies. Additionally, I began tabletop RPing with some of them (via the Internet, of course), and not only has said RP gradually improved my (already formidable) skill with the written word, but taught me how to sublimate my shyness by 'roleplaying' confidence. There's a certain terrifying, roller-coaster-like rush to be had from being a shy guy who's putting on his best lady-killer smile and hoping nobody will call his bluff...

With these two forces working on me, I've spent the past several years doing the things I should have been doing back in high school - learning how to socialize, learning how to not take things personally, learning that being a sensitive, empathic personality is a *good* thing in this often callous world - and most importantly, learning that just because I'm shy and a man-child doesn't mean I'm hopeless. I *am* shy - that will never really go away, I think - but once that critical first contact is made, I can finally interact with people like a normal human being (if a decidedly geeky one who still likes to play with Legos). My depression has gradually given way over the years to a sense of "wistful lonliness" - I still long to find those close friendships and romances, but I no longer feel like I can't function without them. Sure, I still get sad and cry over it sometimes, but it's *good* crying - a "beautiful sadness", to quote Butters from South Park - and not the sort where you start falling into dark places and can't get back out. My mood has improved so much that, after a serious car crash last year left me uninjured save for extensive bruising, I walked (limped) out of the hospital *grinning* - feeling like I'd just cheated death and gotten away with it. If I'd been in the same situation several years ago, I'd have probably collapsed into a veritable black hole of despair.

I'm 30 years old, and to this day, I've never had a romantic relationship. I've never had sex, never kissed a girl, rarely talked to any at all. I don't meet many people because all of my favorite activities involve TVs and computer screens. And I'm overweight, which doesn't exactly make me more appealing to the opposite gender (or even the same one). But I'm not depressed anymore. Why?

Because I've finally realized: I'm pretty freakin' awesome. (See? There's that confidence bluff again.) I'm sweet, sensitive, empathic, compassionate, playful, good-natured - just about everything that would appeal to a single woman seeking a good man. Yes, I'm shy...yes, I'm fat...yes, I still collect Transformers and Nerf guns, laugh at wacky cartoons, and suffer withdrawel if I go anywhere without a Nintendo handheld in my pocket. But you know what? Someday I'm going to find a girl who likes me in spite of all that (or maybe because of it?), and now I know I'll actually be able to talk to her when that times comes.

Although...I probably won't tell her about the part when I cried repeatedly over the trials and tribulations of the characters in a certain freeware visual novel. That would just be embarassing.


(Know what else is embarassing? Taking so long to type up a post that the forum idle-kicks you out of your login. Eh heh heh. )

[Kouryuu]

@introfate - Thank you and your right, she could easily at any point, during my depression talks, said "ok I dont want to know you anymore" but she didnt. I dont want a relationship with her, fortunately I dont have time for what I want to do. Last I heard she was going to become a lawyer so she too wouldnt have time.

@Xiious - I am sorry I havent said much to you, I really dont know what to say. But the fact that you are on this board means you are awsome. <3

@DrNonookee - Thank you for your story, I admit, I was smiling like an idiot towards the end . You are indeed "pretty freakin' awsome", you dont need a bluff for that! But I have to say, whats so embarrassing about admitting to crying over a beautiful story? ^^ <3

A little update on myself. I have sent the message! Now to take my mind off it else I wont be able to do anything today...^^

[ArazelEternal]

@DrNonookee: Youve pretty much described us both there. I dont do well with people. Im okay one on one, but i get into a group and i clam up right away. Im trying to get over it though and just get out and do things, meet people. Havent met very many people yet, but it doesnt happen overnight. I havent had a girlfriend for the last 8 years, and still deeply long for that companionship, but i deal okay.

I wish i had the same attitude as you though, being able to say that your awesome. I think im the most unawesome person out there. I feel like saying that i am awesome would be horribly pretentious.

I never realized it at first, but the more I think about it, the more i realize im like Hanako.

[Kouryuu]

I wish i had the same attitude as you though, being able to say that your awesome. I think im the most unawesome person out there. I feel like saying that i am awesome would be horribly pretentious.

You are awsome! No one can tell you you're not and if they do they are wrong! It's just a self confidence thing. Either way, I think you are awsome ^^

[Surreal-mind]

@introfate: Thanks man! Your advice actually helped, it seems that all the questions revolve around the same subject. (well..not all of them, but most of 'em do) Now that I realize this, it might be easier to try to deal with my thoughts.

As for the youtube video... I think it's a great sign too.

@Kouryuu: It's good that you sent the message. She really sounds like a good friend.
I used to have a friend like that, I was stupid and stopped talking to her almost 10 years ago. She even tried to contact me several times over the years, but I never wrote her back or anything.
My thoughts are kind of messy right now, so before I start digressing, I just want to say;
Don't make the same mistake I did.
This time you have to mantain the friendship! You listen ?

@Xiious: I really don't know what to say...
I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I think being alone with your thoughts is just gonna make you feel worse right now. You should really try to take your mind off things, maybe watch silly videos on youtube or something.

@DrNonookee: Thanks for sharing your story, I can relate to some things you said.
You do sound like a pretty cool guy ! I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for someday.
(Hey..is your avatar from Empowered ? Kinda looks like Ninjette)

@ArazelEternal: Stop talking like that. You are NOT unawesome !
I think you sound like a cool person!
Really dude... stop talking bad about yourself.

[Kouryuu]

@Kouryuu: It's good that you sent the message. She really sounds like a good friend.
I used to have a friend like that, I was stupid and stopped talking to her almost 10 years ago. She even tried to contact me several times over the years, but I never wrote her back or anything.
My thoughts are kind of messy right now, so before I start digressing, I just want to say;
Don't make the same mistake I did.
This time you have to mantain the friendship! You listen ?

Thank you, its unfortunate that that happened to you. I promise I wont make the same mistake!

[Beoran]

DrNonookee,

Thanks for your story. it's great to hear that at least your outlook is positive. I think what you need to make yor life complete are concrete plans. Don't say "one day". "One day simply means "never". Say "now", and "every day". At one point I decided I wanted to find love in my life, so I sold half of my video games to make room for love in my heart, and from then on I sought intensively until I could meet my wife. Make some concrete plans: maybe lose weight first, then go look for love. Wherever in the world you think you will find it. I hope you will find it very soon.

[ArazelEternal]

@Kouryuu & Surreal Mind:

Thanks. I appreciate it. Its funny how people I've never met outside of a forum tell me that so readily, but no one in real life has ever told me so. Seriously though, i do really appreciate it. I've posted stuff in this forum that I've never told anyone in real life. So all the people here are most definitely awesome.

[introfate]

DrNoNookee, Nice too meet you first and foremost. I really enjoyed reading your story and yeah, it does seem as if you're pretty freakin' awesome indeed. I was heavy set at one point but during one of my darker stages I put forth the effort and lost quite a bit. No one really thought I was as heavy as I was but hearing the praise when I lost it all, it made me feel pretty freakin' awesome as you would say. You seem to have a general positive outlook but maybe push it a bit further. Who knows it may actually push your social interaction up to a new level. I in the sense and still very child-like I've been told by the people I've confide into. I've been told I was the last person they would expect to do a lot of things I do regularly. You know though, if I enjoy it as much as I do why should I bend my interests for other people who don't play major roles in my every day life? Ehh, wow I drifted.

Surreal-Mind, It's a start, that's for sure! Now figure out the means to react to those questions. May be difficult at first but once you build the momentum, I feel you may turn for the better.

ArazelEternal, I think you're awesome too! In light of that, it's nice to know that you feel comfortable here. I know my transition into this forum has been more than satisfying.

The girl I sent the message to, she replied. She wasn't angry or upset but happy. I mean, It's a great sign but I don't see picking up where we left off would be the best thing to do. It has been quite some time.