Katawa Shoujo Forums

Chapter 45
01
"Hanako?"

As I reach the roof of the school I hear some shuffling sounds nearby, suggesting that someone's up here. I softly call out, hoping it's my best friend. The cramming classes are having lunch break right now, and since Hanako wasn't in the tea room, I came up here to determine if she decided to retreat here instead.

Since there are only a handful of weeks left before the exams, cramming season is in full swing. Those who did well on the mock exams are free to determine where they want to study, be it their dorm room, the library or some of the classrooms reserved for that purpose. I usually prefer the peace and quiet of my dorm room, so the only time I'm in the school building these days is early in the morning or late in the afternoon in order to get exercises or exam questions from previous years from the teachers. But this morning I made some tasty curry rice for lunch for myself, and since it turned out to be too much to eat on my own, I decided to see if I could find Hanako and offer to share the rest of my lunch with her. It'd be a good opportunity for us to talk or - if she didn't feel like talking - at least spend some time together. The opportunities for us to spend time with one another have started to become exceedingly rare these days.

"Hey Lilly!"

It's not Hanako who answers me, but the voice is nevertheless one I recognize. Still, I find myself wondering who's calling out to me. Shizune and I aren't really hostile towards each other anymore these days, but we're still not exactly close friends either. I don't think Shizune would greet me in such a casual manner though.

"Hello Misha. Is it just you up here?"

"Yup. Just me."

Misha's probably taking supplementary lessons as well. Her grades have been average for about as long as I've known her, and she probably didn't do much better on the mock exams.

"Are you taking a break from supplementary courses?"

"Pfff, yeah! They're really intense. My brain gets overheated, so fresh air is needed to cool it off. Wahaha~!"

It's fairly nice up here, although I'd probably get cold if I stuck around for too long.

"It might help to remind yourself that the upcoming exams are a worthy cause."

"Except... I won't be going to any university here, so I can't even say that to myself."

"Hmmm? You're not? Then why take the national test?"

"I want to try and transfer to a school in America, but Yamaku won't give me a reccomendation unless I improve my grades. So this is kind of my last chance. I have to take the test, and the teachers here are going to compare my answer sheet with the national test's answers when they're published. If I do well enough, they'll give me a reccomendation anyway."

"I think it's great that you have such adventurous plans for the future. I feel that such a dream is definitely worth studying hard for."

"You think so?"

I nod my head.

"I do. I hope you succeed."

Under other circumstances, I would have offered to help Misha improve her English - a vital skill if you want to transfer abroad, but right now I need to get my own grades in order first.

"Aw, thanks. I hope you guys do well too ~!"

Now that I think about it, Misha's probably been attending the extra courses together with Hanako and might have seen where she went.

"Misha, may I ask if you have seen Hanako today?"

"Yeah, we had English just now, and she was there too."

"Do you have any idea where she is now? I've been in our tea room already, but she wasn't there. And since there are so many people using the library to study, I don't think she's there either."

"I think I saw her walk towards the exit after class ended. I'm not sure where she went."

I sigh in disappointment.

"That's too bad. I wanted to share some of my leftover curry rice with her. But if Hanako's not in the building right now, there's little chance of me finding her before the end of lunch break."

"Sorry."

"It's fine. Are you interested in having some instead?"

"Huh? Really?"

Why not? I'm already stuffed myself, and it's a waste to throw it away.

"Yes."

I hold the container with the food in front of me until I feel Misha taking it off my hands.

"Wow, this smells really good. Thanks, Licchan~!"

I grin a bit as I hear Misha use the nickname she used to address me with in the early days of the student council. That was obviously before Shizune and I had our falling out. I don't think Misha'd be this forward with me if Shizune had been anywhere nearby.

"It's been quite a while since I've heard that nickname. Our early student council days seem so far away now that the exams are nearly upon us, don't they?"

"Makes you feel nostalgic, doesn't it. Don't you sometimes wish you could turn back time?"

I would. I'd love to return to the days before Hanako had her breakdown. How carefree those days now feel. What I wouldn't give to go back to that afternoon and talk myself out of making that horribly ill-timed phone call.

"It would be wonderful to be able to turn back time and correct mistakes one has made in the past."

"Mistakes?"

Misha sounds puzzled and almost a little bit suspicious.

"Something related to Hanako, Licchan?"

That's a surprise. As far as I know, only Hisao, Naomi, Hanako and myself are aware of what happened at Kasshoku University that day. I don't think Naomi would have told anybody but her best friend about it, seeing that she was really rattled as well.

"I'm afraid so. But... Did you hear anything from anyone, Misha?"

"Just some rumors. But everyone can see that something bad happened to Hanako. Even if you don't count her exam results, it's like she's turning back to the way she was... before. Like she's started avoiding people again, and she's not working or talking with others in class. It's almost like she never met Hicchan."

"Oh dear..."

It was obvious from the start that Hanako's confidence and behavior started regressing after that incident, but the notion that pretty much the entire school has noticed this, too, is an unexpected dose of salt in my wounds.

"And you and Hicchan seemed to be kind of down too. Like you were involved in whatever's bothering Hanako. And then the mock exams."

"..."

That's a sharper deduction than I thought Misha to be capable of. She's usually a little bit oblivious to these kind of subtleties.

"Licchan, you didn't sleep with Hicchan, did you? You wouldn't do such a thing, right?"

WHAT ON EARTH? I take back what I just thought.

"I beg you pardon?"

"Well, people were wondering since Hanako started becoming more outgoing after she became Hicchan's girlfriend, maybe she and Hicchan broke up, and that's why she's been so down lately. Since the three of you are together so often and you just said that you made a mistake, I thought..."

I can't deny there's some logic in that theory, but it still feels wrong on so many levels that I nearly trip over myself in my attempts to deny it.

"That isn't even remotely what happened. I'd never do such a thing. Hisao is like a brother to me, and I'd never hurt Hanako by making advances on her boyfriend. Hanako and Hisao are still together, and they're doing fine."

To be honest, 'doing fine' is probably too positive a spin on things. Hanako's been steadily growing more reclusive over the last few weeks, and I don't think she and Hisao stay over at each other's place anymore, nor do they see each other much. I keep telling myself that we're all simply too busy studying to spend much time with one another, but I'm nevertheless starting to get a little worried at how isolated Hanako is becoming.

"That's a relief. I'd have been disappointed if you did anything that low."

"Something happened when we visited an open house day that caused Hanako to become the center of attention, which was very... frightening for her. I'd rather not go into much more detail, but I hope that's enough to satisfy your curiosity, Misha."

"Oh, sure Licchan. So is that why Hanako did so badly in the mock exams?"

"Misha, how did you learn about Hanako's exam results?"

"Oh, uh... There was a list with the exam results among the paperwork in the student council room. Hanako's mark kinda stood out."

"Was it really that bad?"

"She scored... ah... a twenty six on average on the exams."

That's even worse than I thought. I'm shocked into silence for several seconds.

"Oh my god..."

"Kinda of makes you wonder if she had a blackout during the tests."

Or a panic attack. Or several. That might have been what happened.

"Perhaps."

"If that's what happened then she might still do well on her exams as long as she can prevent that kind of thing from happening again, right? Right?"

"I hope so, Misha. I really hope so."

The ringing of the school bell makes Misha get up, and it also reminds me that I'd better get back to my studies as well. I say goodbye to my unexpected conversation partner and make my way back to my dorm room.

--------------------------------------

I manage to get two hours of cramming in until my concentration is broken by the ringing of my cell phone.

"Good afternoon. Lilly Satou speaking."

"Hi Lilly."

"Hello Hisao. How is your studying coming along?"

"Okay, I guess. I've been studying non-stop since eleven. I'm probably about ready to take a break."

In other circumstances, I would have asked him to come over so we could have a drink together, but it wouldn't feel right to do so without Hanako.

"Perhaps a little walk will do you good. It's a good idea to keep some daily physicaly activity now that you've temporarily suspended your morning runs."

"Maybe, but today I've got other plans already."

"What is it that you have planned then?"

"I'm paying a visit to Miss Takawa in 20 minutes."

"You've made an appointment with her?"

"Yeah. I approached her this morning, and she said she'd be able to make some time this afternoon. Would you like to come too?"

Why would Hisao want to see Miss Takawa? Is there something specific he wants to talk to her about?

"Ah... If it's not a problem..."

"No, I think I'd actually like you to come along."

"Hisao, is this about anything in particular?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe. Shall we meet in front of the nurses' building in 15 minutes?"

"I'll be there."

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02
"Please enjoy."

"Thank you."

I put the bowl of tea I just received to my lips and take a careful sip. It's remarkably tasty and has a very unique flavor. I'm almost tempted to ask if Miss Takawa brews her tea herself.

I've been in this office once before, the day after our Kasshoku trip, to brief Miss Takawa about the events of the day before, hoping she'd be able to do something for Hanako. She thanked me graciously for letting her in on what happened to Hanako, but so far I haven't noticed any moves on the school's part to give her a helping hand. In fact, it seems the opposite has happened. While Hisao and I were given exemption from the supplementary lessons most people with our exam results would have been expected to follow, the school has put Hanako in every single supplementary class they had available, and as a result she's away from the dorms from dawn until dusk. It's almost as if they took the lessons Hisao and I were exempted from and put them on Hanako's shoulders. The thought alone is enough to upset me.

"Now then..."

I hear Miss Takawa put her bowl down and pick up the sound of Hisao impatiently shuffling in place as if he's been forced to stay silent for too long already.

"How can I be of assistence to the two of you?"

I turn towards Hisao slightly in order to let him know he can go ahead. I'm a bit curious about what he has to say myself.

"Miss Takawa, I realize that Hanako's your client and you're bound by client confidentiality, but what exactly is it that you can and cannot tell us about Hanako?"

"To be honest, just about anything Miss Ikezawa confides in me during our sessions is considered confidential, and divulging any of that would break our bond of trust. I can be a little bit more open regarding my own impressions and opinions."

"What about treatment?"

"I'm not overly fond of discussing treatment of my clients with people who aren't part of the school's medical staff."

"Oh..."

"I realize that the two of you are here out of concern for Miss Ikezawa, so I'll try to be as accommodating as I can afford to be. Is that okay, Mister Nakai?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

"I ran into Hanako two days ago while at the school's apothecary in order to get a new batch of some of my medication. She was startled when she walked in and saw me there, and instead of talking to me, she just nodded nervously and then quickly walked off, almost as if she was fleeing."

I frown.

"Fleeing? Maybe she went there to...ah..."

Get her birth control pills. I used to get them for her, but the last two months before that trip to Kasshoku, Hanako actually managed to work up the courage to get her own. Well, together with me at least. I'm relieved that Hisao manages to grasp my meaning without me having to finish my sentence, but the soft sigh he lets out to dismiss my suggestion stings more than I expected.

"I don't think so. Besides, I doubt she'd try to avoid me over that. Also, uh..."

"Please proceed, Mister Nakai."
03
"Yesterday, I briefly spoke with Hanako. She returned some of my notes that I allowed her to copy. When she took them out of her bag, I noticed a small bottle of pills in there. It was only a split-second, but for me that was enough. I know a pill bottle when I see one. I doubt they were sleeping pills either. She'd keep those in her nightstand."

"Hisao, are you saying that Hanako's on medication?"

"When I put two and two together, it's kinda hard to come to any other conclusion. I was hoping to get confirmation here, as well as what this says about Hanako's current condition."

"Mister Nakai, as a woman I feel compelled to point out that it is rather ungentlemanly to rummage through a lady's handbag, even with your eyes. Don't you agree, Miss Satou?"

I hear Hisao let out a soft grunt of frustration as Miss Takawa playfully deflects his question. I force a smile as I reply.

"I... agree on that, Miss Takawa. But since we now know about it, perhaps you can give us some reassurance instead of leaving us to draw our own conclusions which might be worse than her actual situation."

"Hmmm..."

A long silence.

"Very well then. What I prescribed Miss Ikezawa is some medication to help her sleep better at night and some light antidepressants to stabilize her mood. Both are light dosages and we're only supplying her with very small batches at a time, so the chance of her growing dependent on them is extremely slim. We're keeping a close eye on things."

"So, Hanako's... officially suffering from depression?"

"Things are what they are, with or without some stamp from a mental health official. If what I'm saying is anything but a confirmation of what you must have known already, I may have overestimated your friendship with her."

I shake my head.

"It isn't. But it still hurts to hear you confirm it."

"Now that you know, perhaps I could ask you to... pay attention to Miss Ikezawa whenever you interact with her and let me know if you notice anything that could be a side-effect of the medication."

"We will. But Miss Takawa..."

"Yes, Mister Nakai?"

"I think I speak for Lilly as well when I say that we'd really like to do more for Hanako than just watch out for potential side effects of her medication. We want to help her through this in any way we can, but it's getting harder and harder to get through to her. During Hanako's last crisis you had some very useful advice. We were hoping you could help out this time as well."

I nod decively as a sign of agreement with Hisao's words.

"Whatever it takes."

"I'm glad to hear that from the two of you. In addition to simply being there for her during the sparse moments she may desire company, there is one specific thing you two can do that would greatly help."

"And what is that?"

"Study hard and pass your exams."

The sigh in stereo that results from both of us causes the old lady to chuckle.

"It sounds like that wasn't quite what you were expecting to hear."

"It's not that we don't understand that our own exams are important too, but..."

The old woman sighs.

"You two managed to solve your falling out with Miss Ikezawa the last time by saying the right things at the right time, and I suppose you were expecting me to point out a similar approach that could make all the pieces fall into place and solve this crisis that Miss Ikezawa is going through. But the last time it was a crisis directly related to your relationship with her. This situation is about..."

She pauses shortly.

"...something else. There are simply no 'right words' to quickly solve this situation. Not this time. I'm sorry if I dashed your hopes just now."

"About a week after that open house day, Hanako told me that all she managed to adapt to was life at this particular school and that she still wouldn't be able to function beyond the safe confines of Yamaku. She felt that when she leaves here after graduation, she'll still be the same person who came here nearly three years ago."

"I don't share that opinion and I'm certain that you don't either."

"I don't."

"Me neither."

"There's probably another factor that plays a role here. This is just a theory of mine, but try to look at things from her point of view. This school is where she has lived for the last three years. Until recently she barely ever left the premises. Most of the pleasant memories she's had this decade are all connected to this school in one way or another. All the people who are part of her life right now are connected to this school in one way or another as well. When you take away the connecting factor that all things have in common, wouldn't you feel anxious at the thought of leaving here, wondering just how much of your life will remain intact once you graduate? I imagine that that realization must have dawned on Miss Ikezawa during the open house day while she was wandering about the campus of a strange school that, assuming she passes her exams, will become her new world very soon."

I never really thought of that before, but it does make sense. Yamaku has literally been Hanako's world for the last three years, and after graduation she'll be forced to leave its safety. I wonder if, had Mother and Father not returned to Japan, I would have felt something similar right about now.

"I can understand why she'd feel uneasy about that. But... Lilly and I are still here. We're studying so hard because if we all pass our entrance exams, we can still attend the same university. We can still hang out with her."

"Yes. You and Miss Satou could be... sources of stability... in Miss Ikezawa's life. But you can only fulfill that role if your own situation is stable. And there is another motivation to study hard as well."

Sources of stability?

"What motivation?"

Sources of stability...

"May I ask whether Miss Ikezawa knows about your own mock exam results?"

"She does. We looked her up in her room the day we got them back and mentioned our grades to her."

"And how did she react to them?"

"Kind of horrified. And then guilty. When we left the room she actually apologized to us."

"I was afraid of that. You may be worried about Miss Ikezawa, but it's clear that she's also worried about you. I can see her blaming herself for what happened at Kasshoku, and she is very likely to blame herself for anything that happened as a result of the fallout of that incident. Which included your recent grades, unfortunately."

Even though it isn't her fault. She wasn't the one who made that phone call. That was me.

"I suppose we got lucky we both got exemption from the supplementary courses or Hanako probably would have blamed herself for that as well."

The old therapist doesn't immediately respond, almost as if waiting for something, and suddenly I have a flash of insight that causes me to let out a small gasp.

"Miss Takawa. Did you have a hand in arranging the exemption Hisao and I received?"

"Hmm, hmmm. Clever deduction, Miss Satou. I was indeed the one who put in a request with your homeroom teachers to let the two of you off the hook this time."

"So this was done for Hanako's benefit?"

"Indeed. We cannot reverse Miss Ikezawa's current situation, but we can make it easier on her by making sure she isn't feeling guilty about the two of you being forced to attend cramming sessions in class. Like the medication, it's a measure on the part of the school to make the upcoming time easier for her to get through. Of course, this puts some additional responsibility on your shoulders to perform well, even without those extra lessons, so be sure to honor this gesture of goodwill."

"Thank you."

Hisao clears his throat.

"It's appreciated alright, but why give us exemption and not Hanako? You're talking about the school doing its part to help Hanako through this, but she's nevertheless being punished for doing badly at the mock exams, even though she studied really hard beforehand."

"I agree with Hisao. It seems like the school is overloading Hanako with supplementary lessons even though I suspect she's already familiar with most of what's being taught there. Those low grades weren't her fault. It wouldn't surprise me if she had a blackout or panic attack during the mock exams that caused her to fail them."

"I agree with your reasoning about the probable cause of Miss Ikezawa's low grades, but please don't regard Miss Ikezawa's participation in the extra classes as a punishment of some sort. The school is merely doing what we deem best for her."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"The alternative to what we did would have been to exempt her, too, and allow her to study on her own. But the worst thing you can do to someone suffering from depression is giving them the opportunity to stay in their room all day long."

My thoughts return briefly to Mother and how she complained to me before about how Father would just stay in bed nearly all day long and didn't seem to have motivation to do anything.

"That makes... sense, I suppose. But still..."

"It is important for her to maintain a daily routine for as long as possible as this has a beneficial effect on people suffering from depression. In addition to that, this approach allows us to guarantee that there will be a teacher keeping an eye on her throughout the day who can also verify how well she's doing with the various subjects. I realize that forcing all these lessons on her may seem a harsh thing to do, but I believe that this is the best way to give her a chance of succeeding at next month's test. And as an added benefit, the two of you will be able to concentrate on your own studies without needing to worry about her for most of the day. The last thing we need is some kind of worry feedback loop between you and Miss Ikezawa that puts your own exam performance at risk."

"You seem really worried about how we do on our exams."

"I wouldn't have asked your homeroom teachers for an exemption if I didn't have faith in your ability to pass the exams. The reason I'm emphasizing the importance of passing your exams is the fact that this situation has upped the stakes significantly."

"The stakes?"

"If you two fail the upcoming National Center Test, either due to a lack of proper preparation or due to the situation with Miss Ikezawa acting as a distraction, Miss Ikezawa will inevitably hold herself responsible for it, and it will be next to impossible to get the idea out of her head that she caused her two best friends to fail and lose a whole year. It will almost certainly strain her relationship with you. Do you two understand what's at stake now?"

A very long silence as the two of us digest what Miss Takawa just told us. I have a pretty good idea of how awful Hanako would feel if Hisao or I were to flunk now. It's the same kind of guilt that's been tugging at me ever since that trip to Kasshoku. Finally, Hisao softly speaks up.

"I understand."

"So do I. We'll do our best to pass the exams. You have our word."

"Thank you. I hate to put pressure on you like this, but please do whatever you can to keep this particular burden off Miss Ikezawa's shoulders."

"We will."

"I give you my word here and now that I will do whatever I can to stabilize and improve Miss Ikezawa's mood. This situation does not have any easy solutions and it's not impossible that her mood will degrade as graduation day gets closer, but I will do my best to make certain that doesn't happen. We take care of Miss Ikezawa and you take care of yourselves. Agreed?"

"Yes."

"Thank you, Miss Takawa."

"The pleasure was all mine. I'm happy we had this conversation. Perhaps we can have a more uplifting talk at some point in the future."

We say our goodbyes and leave Miss Takawa's office and the nurses' building. As we reach the dorm, Hisao sighs.

"I went to see Miss Takawa hoping for her to say that things weren't quite as bad as I thought, but to be honest I feel worse now than when we went in there."

"I'm afraid that goes for me as well. But there's no use complaining about it. We now have an additional reason to give our all at the exams. Let's both do our best."
04
"Yeah. Maybe we could still do a few extra things as well. Like making her dinner so she won't need to cook after she comes back from a long day of supplementary classes."

"I've already been doing that for the past few weeks. I felt it was the least thing I could do for her."

"Maybe we could... you know... treat her to a little outing this weekend. Just for a few hours. Just to cheer her up a bit."

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea. We don't have that many days left until the national exam and Christmas and New Year are coming up soon as well. I don't think Hanako will be put at ease if she sees us taking some time off. It might actually make her worry more."

"You're probably right."

Suddenly, an idea pops into my mind.

"Hisao, do you have any plans for the upcoming Christmas?"

"Well, I'm going home on the 24th and stay at my family's place while still trying to get in as much studying as I can while I'm there. I'm planning to take Hanako along too. My parents said that it was okay. I'm not sure what it feels like for an orphan to attend someone else's family activity, but I think just leaving her in her dorm room will be even worse."

"I'll be going home for a few days as well. Akira said she won't be able to make it home for Christmas this year, so it'll be up to me to compensate for her absence. I was thinking that it might be a fun idea for you and Hanako to come over the day after Christmas Eve. We'll have to study of course, but we can also probably spend an hour or two just hanging out and relaxing. It's not exactly an outing, but it will still allow the three of us to spend some time together outside the school. I'm sure my parents won't mind. They'll be pleased to see the two of you again."

"Hey, I'd love to."

"Then let's follow through with it. I'll talk to my parents. You should invite Hanako."

"Deal."

"Let's get back to our books, Hisao. And let's study as hard as we can. We have to pass the exams."

"I'll make it through, Lilly. I promise."

"I promise as well."

After swearing our little oath we part ways. I hurry back to my room and return to my books, throwing myself into the subject with a new-found fervor. With luck, I'll be able to get in at least two more hours before it's time to make dinner.
05

Chapter 46
01
"I think that's Lilly and her father over there."

Hanako doesn't respond. It's really crowded at the train station right now, and she's trying to block out the rest of the world by hiding behind her long scarf and the collar of her thick coat. Even though Christmas is not an official holiday here, there were still plenty of people who visited their family yesterday.

"Lilly!"

I call out in the direction where I saw Lilly's distinct blonde hair. Moments later, I see someone wave at us. With Hanako clinging to my arm, I slowly make my way towards our friend. As we reach Lilly and her father, they both greet us with a polite bow.

"Miss Ikezawa. Mister Nakai. It is good to see you two again."

"Merry Christmas Lilly. And you too, Mister Satou."

"M-M-Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to the two of you as well. I'm really happy you're visiting today."

"Let us not waste time standing around here. The car is parked not too far from here."

"Great. It's kind of chilly today, so let's go."

We follow Lilly and her father to the car, and a minute later, we're leaving the train station behind us.

"If the two of you desire to do some studying right now, I will not distract you with idle conversation."

"How far is it from here?"

"About 15 minutes."

"Hmmm, might not be worth risking motion sickness over."

"How about you, Miss Ikezawa?"

"Umm...."

Hanako is a bit startled by Mister Satou suddenly addressing her, but then meekly shakes her head.

"Just be sure to do your best to catch up when we get to the house."

"Ah... Yes, sir."

"If you wish as much peace and quiet as possible, you can use the guest rooms to study without anyone else around. If you want to take the occasional break, my wife will be honored to bring you some tea and snacks once an hour or so. We will make sure not to disturb you until it is time for dinner."

I exchange a quick look with Hanako. My own parents were already pretty 'encouraging' in getting us to devote as much time as possible on our studies, but Mister Satou seems even more driven.

"We... ah... appreciate the effort, sir."

Lilly's father flashes us a wry smile.

"I do feel a bit bad about having honored guests over and then pressuring them to spend about their entire stay engaged in an activity they are probably tired of by now, but I speak from personal experience when I say that some of the most important days of your lives are less than four weeks away from you."

"Personal experience?"

I guess so. Even though the company he worked at was a family company, it's doubtful he would have made it that far without having attended some prestigious university.

"The days I spent studying for my own high school exams were some of the most stressful days of my life, and they were not very enjoyable, but the results were worth the stress and lack of sleep. Sometimes you have to endure some short-term hardships in order to make a positive difference in the long run."

"Enduring, huh?"

"Yes. We Japanese have a proud tradition of being able to endure hardships with dignity and perseverance. It has made us some of the most resilient people in the world. If you wonder whether all of the stress is worth it, think of the many people in this world who lack access to the educational opportunities you are being given. You will find that many hardships are relative."

"That's a good point."

"Also..."

--------------------------------------

"Mister Nakai? I apologize for intruding, but I have brought you some herbal tea. Please enjoy."

I turn around to look at the entrance of the guest room where I've been studying for the last two hours and look at the kimono-clad figure who just walked in carrying a tray. I've seen Lilly's mother walking around in a business suit and in her sporty casual clothes, but seeing her in traditional Japanese clothes is another thing altogether. Her sky-blue kimono constrasts very nicely with her blonde hair, and the way the fabric is flowing around her as she moves makes her appear very graceful. Her figure...

"You know, if you keep staring like that I'll have no choice but to tell your girlfriend."

I instinctively flinch as I'm abruptly reminded that despite the change in clothes, the woman before me is still the same Karla Satou we met in that pub in Inverness.

"I wasn't..."

"It's a joke, lad. I hope you're not angry."

I simply roll my eyes at that. It wasn't so much Karla's remark that made me react, but simply the jarring effect of someone giving off such an elegant air at first before throwing out a blunt remark without warning.

"It's okay. I was wondering... Do you often wear traditional getups like these? And do you often greet your husband at the door the way you did when we arrived here? It kind of surprised me."

"Not really. They're beautiful and elegant, but not exactly practical. I also don't welcome my husband home every time he walks through the front door. These kinds of things are like one's favorite food. It only remains tasty if you don't eat it every day."

She hands me a bowl of very hot tea, which I put on the desk I'm seated at so it can cool down a bit. She then smiles sheepishly.

"I suppose I'd better get going. I wouldn't want to distract you."

"I'm actually thinking of taking a little break. You don't have to leave on my account."

She smiles.

"Well, if you don't mind a little company..."

She walks over to the bed, and I can't hold back a grin when I see her fumble with her kimono a bit before sitting down. She looks a bit annoyed at being caught out.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess I'm a little bit out of practice. It has been six years since I've worn one of these. My technique used to be much better. But my husband hasn't complained, which is the important thing. And since settling here I've been focussing more on dusting off my Japanese than my kimono-wearing skills."

I can attest to that. When we first met her, Lilly's mother spoke with a pretty heavy accent. Her accent is still faintly noticable, but I could easily mistake it for some unfamiliar local accent if I didn't know her origins. I don't think my English will ever be that fluent.

"This is a gesture towards your husband then?"

She nods.

"My husband may have married a woman from Scotland, may have led a foreign branch of the company for years and may have even picked up a few western trains of thought here and there through his exposure to foreign cultures, but there's a part of him that will always remain traditionally Japanese, and he's always been very proud of his country and his culture."

"That probably explained the speech we got on our way here about it being pretty much our civic duty to push ourselves as much as possible during these remaining four weeks in order to set the good example to the students and generations that come after us."

Karla lets out a bright laugh.

"Sounds like you really got him going. He probably reminded you that he went through the same thing himself when he was younger, didn't he?"

"Several times. What university did he attend? Did he make it in on his first try?"

Karla smiles proudly.

"The big T itself... Tokyo University. On his first try too. Being at the top of his class throughout high school paid off. "

"Whoa! He didn't mention that."

"Can't say I'm surprised. He doesn't like boasting. He says it's unjapanese."

"I don't think we can compare to that. Man, that is impressive."

"He always managed to push himself further than anyone else. That's why he succeeded. Anyway, try not to hold the tangent against him. He means well. Although..."

Her face suddenly becomes frighteningly serious.

"...it must be kind of ironic to be given a speech about enduring and pushing yourself by someone who endured and pushed himself all the way to Raigmore's Intensive Care ward."

I nearly choke on the sip of tea I just took. Karla didn't even try being subtle on that one.

"You disagree with your husband's views?"

She slowly shakes her head.

"I'm a little mixed on it. I agree with what he said in the car. The three of you really should give everything you've got to those upcoming exams, even if it's giving you a headache. The opportunity you're getting would indeed be a privilege in the eyes of many. Anyway, there's a lot about the Japanese work ethic and perseverance that I admire. I respect how dedicated your people are to their jobs and how highly they regard their customers. I also admire the Japanese perseverance in the face of hardships. If a neighborhood out here is ravaged by an earthquake, people simply keep going without complaining, or turning on each other, or looting other people's places. In a lot of other places on in the world, chaos would probably erupt quickly. But... Sometimes I feel those principles are taken too far."

"Like when?"

"Sometimes situations demand action rather than silent endurance. Sometimes children being bullied by their peers, girls being bothered on crowded trains or people in unhappy marriages endure their situation because they feel that that's what's being expected of them and that complaining or standing up for themselves would make people around them think less of them while I personally feel that those kinds of situations could be solved if the problems were highlighted instead of ignored. My husband's situation was a similar case. He felt the warning signs, but he just didn't speak up. Because he was taught from an early age that enduring without complaining was the proper thing to do, and he probably thought that there was no 'honorable' way out of his predicament."

She looks straight at me like a police inspector interrogating a suspect.

"What about you, Hisao?"

I'm not certain if I like the direction this discussion is headed in.

"Me?"

"According to Lilly, you do little more than studying all day long these days. Are you still getting sufficient sleep each night? How about your daily exercise?"

I ditched my daily exercise weeks ago and I haven't had eight hours of sleep in days. But what choice do I have? It's easy for her to say I should take better care of myself, but I don't want to risk falling a few centimeters short of a passing grade over a few extra hours of sleep that I could have managed without.

"I'm still doing okay so far. I realize that your husband also thought he could tough things out for a little longer too and endangered himself in the process, but I'm still making sure to take all my daily medication. I think they'll keep me going until things calm down a little bit."

She slowly nods her head.

"Well, I hope you're right. Be sure to see a nurse if something feels off."

"I will."

She grins.

"Attaboy."

"By the way, how has your husband been doing? Has he had any more trouble?"

She brightens up a little bit.

"He's doing much better right now, though I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you the details himself. At the beginning it was really tough for him though. At first every single tingle in his stomach or chest made him wonder if another attack was coming up. Makes you really paranoid. Lilly said that it was not uncommon for people recovering from a heart attack to feel that way."

I smirk a bit at that. Karla notices my expression and chuckles.

"Makes me wonder about her sources."

I shrug my shoulders.

"After we got back from Scotland, Hanako suddenly started getting unusually curious about... things. Or maybe she was always curious, but until then she was simply too shy to ask. Sometimes she'd even ask me a question out of the blue."

"And you decided to play along with the game that Lilly and Hanako were playing there?"

"Well, it seemed to make Hanako happy. Besides, I never got the impression that she was doing it purely for the sake of passing it on to Lilly during their daily phone calls. She always looked extremely sincere while listening to whatever I had to say about... the subject. I think she genuinely wanted to know how I felt about things. And she's always been a very good listener."

It probably helped me too. I've always been very reluctant to talk about my condition. And more than a little uncomfortable too. But the knowledge that there was someone out there, someone related to one of my best friends no less, who might be drawing strength from my thoughts and impressions was a very effective push. And it also helped that Hanako never tried to force things. Whenever I started feeling uncomfortable, she'd never fail to soothe my nerves. She'd take my hand in hers, or snuggle up to me, or give me a soft kiss accompanied by that warm smile of hers, or let me rest my head in her lap while she ran her fingers through my hair. True to her usual ways, she'd hardly ever speak while doing all of that, but I always felt stronger and more at ease afterwards. She was such a sweetheart during those moments. The two of us probably got a lot closer during that time.

"I think it helped a lot. Lilly often used your example to remind my husband that it was possible to go through something like that and pick yourself up afterwards. So, thanks for that. I think we as a family owe you one."

It feels kind of weird to hear that my life has been used to offer comfort to a recovering heart patient. They should have seen me the way I was before Hanako and Lilly entered my life.

"I mostly bounced back thanks to Hanako and your daughter. I'm happy I could do something back for Lilly."

I sigh.

"If only it was that easy to help Hanako get back on her feet."

Karla opens her mouth to say something, but then seems to think the better of it. After a few quiet seconds, she gets up.

"I'm sure she'll be fine in the end."

"Well..."

"I'd better get going now. Gotta start preparing dinner. You try to do a bit more studying, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am."

--------------------------------------
02
"Come in."

I turn around as I answer the knock on the door and it slowly opens, revealing Lilly standing in the doorway.

"Hisao, have you been able to get a lot of studying done?"

"I think so. I'm about ready for a break."

Lilly smiles.

"Mother has just informed us that dinner is ready. We were hoping you could join us downstairs."

"I'd love to. I think I've managed to work up quite the appetite over the last few hours."

I put a bookmark in my science book to mark the spot where I'll be picking things up after dinner and leave the guest room. Beyond the doorway, Lilly and Hanako are waiting for me. I look at Hanako, who's fidgeting with one of the sleeves of the thick (and slightly too large) sweater she's wearing.

"Hey Hanako. How's your studying coming along?"

"N-Not t-too bad."

"It's good to hear that we've all done a good amount of studying. Come, let's not keep Father and Mother waiting for too long."

We follow Lilly down the stairs and into the dining area where her parents are waiting for us at a carefully laid table. Mister Satou, who's sitting at the head of the table, gives us a friendly nod and motions Hanako and me to sit down on his left. Lilly is delegated to the seat next to her mother on his right. I wonder if they picked this arrangement because it makes certain that everyone at the table is facing Hanako's left side, hopefully putting her at ease a little bit.

After we sit down, Karla takes two bowls, fills each with hot miso soup and puts them in front of us before serving her husband and her daughter.

"The soup smells delicious, Mrs Satou."

"Thanks Hisao. This meal is probably one of the more unorthodox ones I've made in recent memory, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you'll find it tasty."

"Unorthodox? The soup smells good, but I don't smell anything unorthodox about it."

Karla grins.

"The're nothing unusual about a meal with miso soup, noodles and cooked rice, but I've also prepared a western-style turkey for the main course and a Scottish dundee cake for dessert."

"That's a... pretty unusual combination."

"Think of it as a multi-cultural meal. I came up with the idea while I was visiting a few of my friends in Inverness, and we talked about what each of us was planning for Christmas."

"Do you often visit your country of birth these days?"

"About every 5 to 6 weeks or so. Though I usually don't stay longer than a couple of days. Just long enough to drop by the head office for a few days and hang out with my Scottish friends."

"Are you still employed at the company?"

"Not officially. But I drop by there whenever I'm in the area so I can keep an eye on how things are going, remain informed about the going-ons there, keep my ear close to the grapevine and see if there are any conflicts or misunderstandings between the staff and the new management that I can help smooth over."

Lilly's father nods.

"There is also value in getting updates on the company's condition from sources other than the official channels, especially since the board of directors is so far removed from head office's geographical location."

"How are you finding your new position on the board, sir?"

Lilly's father lets out a soft 'hmmm'.

"I am honored to be a member there, but to be honest, meetings are so infrequent that I would end up with a lot of spare time if that were to be the only job I got involved in. Fortunately, that will not remain the case for much longer."

"Have you found a new job then?"

A subtle smile appears on Mister Satou's face for a moment.

"I will remain a member of the Satou board of directors, but early next year I will also join the ranks of another company."

Karla grins.

"The old boy network came to the rescue."

Lilly's father gives his wife a short admonishing stare, but then continues.

"My successor at head office knew someone from his university days who works at the upper management of another company and he was willing to put in a good word for me."

"What kind of company?"

"They are a major book publisher in Japan. The department I will be given a managing role in is responsible for analyzing the foreign market, determining which books would be viable to localize in other languages, coordinating the translators doing the localizations and then helping out with the marketing abroad."

Karla winks at us.

"In other words: the ideal place for an avid reader who is well-traveled. I'm sure he'll do very well."

"That sounds like a very enjoyable job."

"Yes. C-Congratulations."

"Thank you. I have always been more interested in books than in medical equipment, so it sounds like an enjoyable occupation although it is, of course, a bit of a demotion when you consider my previous position."

"Dear, your current position is member..."

"Ahem...junior member..."

"...junior member of the board of directors of an international corporation, which is a step up from CEO who got appointed by that board to manage things at head office. This new job is simply something you're doing on the side."

"That is not a bad way of looking at it, although I will not be able to afford allowing my future colleagues to see me like that. If they feel I am merely doing my job 'on the side', as you phrased it, they will not respect my input. I will have to pull my weight."

Lilly looks a little uneasy at her father's words.

"I just hope you'll remain mindful of your health, Father."

"I have no intention of getting hospitalized again, Lilly. I will make certain to remain under the watch of a physician who will be given permission to share his findings with your mother if he feels it necessary. I will also not be working full-time - yet - though the fact that I still have to attend board meetings of our company's board every now and then is the officially stated reason for that."

Karla gives a satisfied nod.

"That does put my mind at ease."

"Good. Then let us continue with this exquisite meal."

--------------------------------------

"Anybody up for another slice of dundee cake?"

No response. I was already pretty full before we got to dessert, and if I eat any more, I'll be guaranteed to contract a stomach ache. I might not be the only one feeling that way.

"I have the impression that our upcoming graduates are about ready to get back to their books."

I suppose that's our cue.

"Thank you for the meal."

"Yes. T-thanks."

"We will be sure to study as hard as we can until it's time to leave."

"That is good to hear. Perhaps, Lilly, I can supply you with some additional motivation."

"Hmmm?"

Mister Satou straightens himself out and pauses for a moment for dramatic effect.

"I have been thinking about the request you made some time ago. About... living accommodations."

"Oh..."

Lilly lets out a small gasp. It's obvious that she didn't expect this subject to suddenly pop up.

"While a part of me is still skeptical, I have to decided to procur an apartment for you to use and give you the opportunity to live on your own, provided that you pass your exams."

"Father..."

Lilly looks flabbergasted for several seconds before recovering and flashing her father a smile bright enough to light up the room.

"I... I promise that I will not disappoint you."

"However..."

He raises a finger for emphasis, only to quickly lower it again upon remembering that his daughter can't see the gesture.

"...I would like you to make good on the compromise you offered."

"Compromise?"

"Of taking a roommate. An extra pair of eyes. I insist on that."

Lilly doesn't immediately reply and instead merely turns to Hanako. As do I. And Mister Satou. And his wife. As more and more gazes center on her, Hanako's expression goes from surprised to uncomfortable, and she pulls up the collar of her sweater a bit as if to hide from the staring eyes. After several awkward seconds, she finally manages to whisper a reply.

"M-Me?"

Lilly nods decisively.

"You and noone else, Hanako. You'd be the perfect roommate for me. That is... if you'll have me."

"Y-Yes, b-but..."

"There will be no need to worry about the financial side of things. This family can easily afford the rent of an apartment. All I ask is that you keep an eye on our daughter and assist her with things that require eyesight."

Hanako fidgets nervously, but then finally nods her head.

"It is decided then. Thank you, Miss Ikezawa."

Mister Satou politely bows at Hanako, and Lilly gives her best friend a happy smile.

"Thank you, Hanako. This makes me really, really happy."

"L-Lilly..."

Hanako still looks a little lost, but still manages a smile in response to Lilly's. As the three of us make our way back to the guest rooms, I put my hand on Hanako's shoulder and give it a reassuring little squeeze. When I sit down behind my books and turn to the page where I left off, I feel a sudden sense of relief.

Hanako's been very worried that after her graduation, she'll be thrust into a world where she wouldn't be able to function.

After we started dating, however, she didn't seem to have a problem anymore visiting town or even the city. She'd be uncomfortable and on her guard sometimes, but not to the point where it paralyzed her. But maybe that was because if things went wrong, she knew she'd have a safe place to return to.

Maybe this opportunity to move in with Lilly and have her own little place of safety is just what she needs. A little island of stability in a sea of uncertainry.

Maybe things will be alright after all.

--------------------------------------

"I hope I'm not interrupting."

I turn around to see Lilly's mother standing in the doorway again, but unlike last time she doesn't have a tray with drinks on it.

"It's okay. Is it already time to head back to Yamaku?"

"Not yet, but my husband and I were hoping the three of you were willing to have a little drink with us downstairs before we drop you off at the train station. You've spent most of the time here studying, so I think today was pretty productive, and you guys can probably do some more cramming on the train if you like."

I'm not sure if I'm up for that, but I do welcome a break at this point.

"I'll be right down. Just let me pack my stuff first."

"Great. We'll be in the living room."

I watch Lilly's mother walk out and then start stuffing my books into my backpack. One hour of additional studying in this room might actually be more productive for me than two hours of studying on the train, but I've made enough progress today to be able to afford taking it easy during our journey back to school.
03
I leave the guest room and make my way to the living room downstairs. As I enter, I find that everyone else is already there. The Satous are sitting on the couch on one end of a low table containing five bowls filled with tea. Hanako is kneeling near the corner, where a large Christmas tree has been set up. As out of place as the tree looks in the traditionally styled living room, I can't deny that it's a beautiful sight. Countless lights and ornaments are hanging from its branches, and as I approach Hanako, I notice that she's admiring several finely crafted figurines that are set up near the foot of the tree. I let her be for a moment and then softly touch her shoulder to get her attention.

"Hey there. Are you going to join us?"

She gives me a meek nod and follows me to the couch facing the one Lilly and her family are sitting on. After Karla hands each of us a bowl of tea, Lilly's father raises his bowl slightly and clears his throat.

"Let us drink to your upcoming exams. May all your studying pay off, and may all three of you pass with flying colors."

Lilly's mother shoots us a grin.

"We can hold a big party here to celebrate afterwards in order to make up for the fact that the three of you had to spend such a large part of today burried in your books."

Lilly smiles at her mother's suggestion.

"Cheers, then."

We drink our tea and hang back, the silence made more comfortable by the cozy atmosphere in the room. Eventually, Lilly's father exchanges a look with his wife who nods briefly and walks out of the room, coming back moments later with something in her hands that I can't quite make out. She gives me a friendly look.

"Hisao, there's something we would like you to have. We've been meaning to give it to you for a little while, but haven't gotten around to it until now. I figured... why not make it a Christmas present?"

"That bag you're carrying is for me?"

"It is. Sorry for not wrapping it up, but I felt that would be a bit morbid."

I can tell what's in the green bag she hands me even before I open it. The symbol of a heart with a small lightning bolt on top of it is pretty universal. I undo the zipper near the top and pull out a device about the size of a small toaster, except much flatter, connected to two electrodes. It's an AED unit with a small logo of Satou Medical Technology near the corner. I suddenly realize it looks exactly like the AED devices I've seen around the school. It wouldn't surprise me if Yamaku was actually a customer of the Satou family company.

"Ah... Thanks. That's a pretty generous gift."

"We have one of these around the house for my husband's sake too. You might not need one of your own at Yamaku, but we felt it might be a reassurance to have one on hand when you move back in with your parents after graduation. If not for your reassurance, then maybe for theirs."

"Or you might be able to take it to school with you."

"I don't know about that, Lilly. It's probably just a little bit too large to comfortably fit in my backpack with the rest of my books."

I get up from the couch and bow gratefully to Lilly's parents.

"Still, I really appreciate this. These devices are extremely expensive, aren't they?"

Karla rolls her eyes as if I just said something extremely stupid.

"Well, believe it or not, but I got a discount because I happen to know the manager."

"Please apply the electrode pads to the body of the patient."

A pre-recorded voice suddenly sounds from somewhere behind me, and when I turn around I see that Hanako has turned the device on while examining it.

"Hey, that thing has voiced instructions."

Lilly's mother nods at my observation.

"Most AEDs these days have. Not many people are going to read instruction manuals in the heat of the moment. It's really useful for people like Lilly too. I've given her a little crash course myself not long ago."

Hanako has taken one of the pads and puts it just below her right shoulder.

"Hey, take care not to accidentally shock yourself."

I hear Karla sigh.

"I hope that was a joke, Hisao. AEDs don't randomly apply shocks without determining whether one is needed in the first place. If you didn't know this,then I think a little instruction from yours truly is in order here."

"Please do not make him memorize any knowledge that he does not need for his exams, Karla. He has already absorbed enough information for one day as it is. He will still need to hang on to all of that."

"Sure, sure."

Our attention is once again drawn by Hanako as she finishes applying the pads and now mimics pushing the shock button. As she removes the pads again, Karla gives her an appreciative nod.

"That's all there is to it. Looks to me like you've handled this kind of device before."

Hanako nods her head.

"In f-first aid class. I think t-the model w-was exactly the same too."

Lilly's mother sheepishly smiles.

"Ah, the blessed first aid class."

"Ah yes, about that..."

I see Lilly's father exchanging another look with his wife before slowly getting up. Karla subtly motions me to sit down, sits down herself, and then shifts her gaze on Hanako. I notice that Lilly has also changed posture and is now sitting straight up as if waiting for something. Mister Satou is looking straight at Hanako and even though she shifts uncomfortably under his gaze, he doesn't avert his eyes.

"Hanako?"

"Y-Yes?"

"Yesterday, my wife and I celebrated Christmas together with Lilly for the first time in six years. In a few days, we will celebrate New Year together, and Akira has promised to join us for that occasion as well. It feels like the rifts in this family are slowly healing."

His gaze shortly falls on the AED device at Hanako's feet as if it reminds him of his own hospitalization this summer.

"I do not believe in spending a lot of time dwelling on what could have been, but I am nevertheless very aware of the fact that things could have gone a lot worse for me - and for our family. The fact that they did not is, for a significant part, due to your efforts."

Hanako's cheeks turn red under Mister Satou's words of praise, and she meekly shakes her head.

"I... d-didn't really d-do much."

"Your modesty does you credit, but I think our family does not merely owe you for what you did for me that night, but also for the tireless support you gave my daughter during the aftermath."

Lilly smiles warmly.

"Your support and encouragement have made a great difference for me, Hanako. You were the one who reminded me how important a family is and that it's worth fighting for."

Hanako fidgets awkwardly under the praise being heaped on her. She never did handle compliments very well.

"Hanako?"

Mister Satou's expression suddenly turns serious.

"When you visited me in the hospital, I asked you if there was anything I could do back for you. I always pay back what I owe to others. And nobody can deny that I owe you a great deal. Back then, you said you could not think of anything. How about now? Please think carefully and do not immediately dismiss my words."

Hanako thinks for a moment, but then shakes her head.

"I... d-don't n-need anything. I'm j-just glad that Lilly's h-happy. If m-my f-friends are happy, I'm h-happy too."

Lilly's father nods his head.

"I expected you to say that. So we came up with something ourselves. As a way to show our gratitude and appreciation. It is probably a little... unorthodox, but it nevertheless seemed fitting."

He walks over to a dresser near the Christmas tree, opens a drawer and takes something out of it. Something that looks like an envelope. Hanako looks puzzled as Lilly's father walks back and continues.

"We will, of course, not force you to take it. That decision shall be left with you."

"Hanako..."

He holds the envelope in both hands and extends it towards Hanako, as if he's offering some VIP his business card.

"...thank you."

Visibly unsure of herself, Hanako looks at the envelope that is being extended to her. She doesn't immediately respond, shooting me a helpless look as if asking me what to do now. I give her an encouraging smile.

"Go ahead."

As she nervously gets up from the couch and takes the envelope from Lilly's father, I notice Lilly and her mother are looking a bit tense. I wonder what's inside. Money? No, the kind of sum I'd expect Lilly's father to give as a reward would not fit inside an envelope like that. He'd use a suitcase to deliver it. Or a sports bag. Or the trunk of an expensive car. Company shares then? Hanako returns to the couch and looks at the envelope in her hand with an unsure look.

After what feels like hours, she finally opens it and takes something out of it. It looks like a letter. I can see Hanako's eyes quickly sweeping the paper. Then, as she's about half-way through, her mouth suddenly falls open, and I can hear her gasping for breath. Her eyes grow to the size of saucers.

I remember when we weren't dating yet and I decided to show her the scar on my chest. I told her I was going to take my shirt off, and she had an expression just like she has now. Well, almost like she has now. This time her eyes seem even bigger.

"Ah..."

My curiosity getting the better of me, I get a little closer to Hanako, and peek over her shoulder.

It doesn't turn out to be a letter after all, but an official form of some kind. Near the top is a logo and near the bottom are some dotted lines. One dotted line contains a meticulously crafted signature, obviously belonging to Lilly's father. Another one is empty. I start reading the text on the form and when I realize what Hanako's holding in her hands, I can't supress a gasp of my own.

"Whoa..."

I first look at Mister Satou who looks back at me with a sincere expression on his face. Then I look at Hanako who is still in exactly the same position as she was when I took a peek, as if time froze around her.

Finally, I manage to collect my thoughts long enough to break the pressing silence in the room.

"Hanako, these are adoption papers..."
04

Chapter 47
01
"This seems to be the place..."

I check the address in my business organizer one last time and then steer my rental car up the driveway. After parking the car, I take a long look at the house in front of me. It's nowhere near the size of the mansion-like place they had in Inverness, though still larger than the average Japanese home. The neighborhood I just drove through doesn't have that same conservative upper-class feel our childhood neighborhood had either. I wonder what made Mom and Dad pick this place.

I sigh and then reluctantly push the buzzer. I wasn't really planning to drop by here today or... well... any day soon, but due to certain circumstances I ended up changing my mind. It'll probably be okay though. I brought along a couple of manga to keep busy. And I really do want to see Lilly while I'm here. Lilly and...

"Akira! Good to have you here."

Unsurprisingly, it's Mom who opens the door and greets me.

"Yo."

She steps aside, and I walk past her into the entryway area where I start removing my shoes and prepare to put on some slippers. While I'm doing so, I take another look at Mom. She's wearing a sky-blue kimono that doesn't look familiar to me, meaning she probably bought it after she and Dad moved back to Japan. It feels weird seeing her wear one again after having gotten somewhat used to seeing her in her business attire on the workfloor. Which in turn felt strange when I first got to Scotland, because before Mom and Dad left Japan Mom used to wear kimonos quite often.

As I finish putting on my slippers Mom makes a graceful bow.

"Welcome home, Miss Satou. Please enjoy yourself."

"Home, huh?"

"Since you've never been here before, remind me to show you around later. Ah, and happy New Year, of course."

"Yeah, the same."

I follow Mom through the hallway into the living room. A pretty cozy living room from the looks of it. A low table, two large couches, some dressers near the wall and a huge Christmas tree near the corner. One of the cabinets probably contains a stereo, for I can hear soft classical music coming from somewhere. Seated on the couch, dressed in a dark kimono himself and cradling a book in his lap (no surprise there) is Dad. As I approach, he calmly puts his book down, gets up and makes a formal bow.

"Glad you could join us, Akira. Happy New Year."

I make a polite bow myself.

"You too."

Mom gives me a light pat on the shoulder.

"So, what can I get you?"

"I suppose you don't have beer?"

"You supposed wrong. Have a seat and I'll go and get you one."

"...thanks."

Mom walks out of the room, and I'm about to sit down when I hear a shuffling sound behind me, followed by a familiar voice.

"Father, I just heard the doorbell. Was that...?"

I instantly break out into a smile which grows even bigger when I see my sister carefully navigating into the room.

"Hey there, Lils!"

I walk up to Lilly and grab her in a not-so-gentle bear hug, chuckling to myself when she lets out an involuntary whimper.

Yup, still a wimp.

After recovering from the surprise, Lilly happily hugs me back. We stay like that for a second, and then I break off the embrace and give my sister a long look-over.

"Well, don't you look gorgeous?"

My words aren't empty flattery. Lilly truly looks beautiful in her dazzling white kimono. Mom must have bought it for her after they moved back here. Lilly smiles.

"Hello Akira. I'm so glad you could make it here. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year to you as well. It's really good to see you again too. How's the studying coming along?"

"We've set a goal to get at least six hours of studying in today, despite it being New Year. For now, we're still on schedule. Hopefully it'll allow us to catch up later."

'We', huh?

I look past Lilly and spot another kimono-clad figure partially hiding behind the doorway. I walk up to her and give her a hug that's slightly more gentle than the one I just shared with Lilly. There's a soft gasp, but then, moments later, the embrace is awkwardly returned.

"Hi Hanako. Nice to see you as well. Happy New Year."

"H-Happy N-New Year, Akira."

I give Hanako a look-over that's quick enough to avoid making her uncomfortable.

"I'll be damned if you aren't the cutest sight I've seen in months."

"Uhhh..."

Hanako fidgets uncomfortably, but I meant what I just said. Cute is probably the most accurate way to describe Hanako. The pink kimono she's wearing is a nice contrast with Lilly's, and her hair is done up in such a way that it still manages to hide most of the scarring on her neck. That all-too-familiar lock covering the right side of her face is still there, but it doesn't look too jarring. The kimono itself is probably just a little bit on the large side, though that might have been intentional, seeing that a good part of Hanako's wardrobe is slightly too large so she can hide her scars better. On the other hand, when I hugged her I couldn't shake the impression that she's gotten slightly skinnier. I do hope she's still eating enough these days.

"Did you do up your hair yourself?"

She shyly nods. I'm kind of impressed. That couldn't have been easy, though the alternative, letting someone else close enough to clearly see her scarring, was probably a much worse prospect for Hanako. All in all she still did a good job, aside from one spot near the back where it seems just a little bit uneven.

"Color me impressed."

My thoughts return to several weeks ago, when Dad made a surprise phone call and abruptly dropped a bombshell. He and Mom had decided to adopt Hanako into our family, and he wanted to know if I had any objections to the idea of having another sister. The way Dad phrased it gave me the impression that the decision had already been made, though at least he gave me an opportunity to voice my opinion, which is more than he himself got when Koji Kojima was adopted by Granddad. I told Dad back then that I had no issues with Hanako being my sister, and I still stand behind those words, even though my feelings about this situation are more complex than just that.

Lilly told me that Hanako would be visiting this place the day after Christmas together with Hisao and that our parents were planning to use that occasion to make her the offer. I made Lilly swear a solemn oath to phone me and tell me how things went as soon as she was able to, even if that meant calling me in the middle of the night. From what I heard, the proposal came so out of nowhere for Hanako that she was shocked into a silence that lasted for several minutes. Lilly eventually broke said silence by telling Hanako that it was probably a good idea to take as much time as she thought she needed to think about it. With the pressure somewhat relieved, the subject was dropped and the conversation went back to the upcoming exams until it was time to go, and Dad dropped Lilly, Hanako and Hisao off at the nearby train station.

That was a little less than a week ago.

I'm pretty confident that if Hanako had signed those adoption papers at any point between then and now, Lilly would have phoned me about it immediately, so it seems like this whole thing is still very much up in the air.

Two days ago, Lilly managed to talk Hanako into accompanying her and spending New Year's Eve and New Year's Day at this place instead of going along with Hisao. No doubt there was the unspoken intention of trying to get her to warm up to Mom and Dad.

But I wonder how Hanako really feels about all of this.

"Akira?"

"Huh?"

My thoughts are suddenly interrupted by Mom entering the living with a glass of beer in her hand.

"A penny for your thoughts."

"Eh, it's nothing."

I take the glass of beer and sit down on the couch across from Mom and Dad. I look at Lilly and Hanako from over my shoulder, but notice that neither of them has moved from their spot.

"No desire to catch up with me, girls?"

Dad readjusts the pair of glasses resting on the tip of his nose.

"Your timing was a bit unfortunate. They had a short break 15 minutes ago and just resumed studying when you arrived here. Taking another break this soon would be irresponsible."

Boy, the old man is really staying on top of them with this. Lilly smiles awkwardly.

"We have two more hours of cramming planned. There will probably be plenty of opportunity to catch up later. I'm looking forward to it."

"Well, okay then. Give it your best shot, you two."

Lilly and Hanako nod and then walk out of the room, leaving me alone with Mom and Dad.

Great.

"So, Akira, how are things in Inverness these days?"

"Okay, I guess. Not really all that different from the way they were when you were there three weeks ago."

Mom rolls her eyes at my response.

"And how are things with your boyfriend? Has he already made a decision whether to stay in Scotland or not?"

Just over two months ago, I apologized to Yuichi, and we decided to give things another try. With Koji's help, I managed to arrange a temporary transfer for him, so he could check things out, rather than immediately moving permanently.

We decided against him moving in with me. Not only is my apartment a bit too small for two people to live there comfortably, but we both felt that it was best to let our relationship recover a bit from the previous breakup rather than immediately spend 24/7 around each other. He's living in an apartment a few kilometers away from my own.

"Well, he's still working on getting settled. The new work culture took him longer to adapt to than he thought, but he responded pretty well to my attempts to get him... you know... a bit integrated."

"What kind of attempts?"

After moving to Inverness, I went out of my way to engage in activities that involved a lot of other people so I wouldn't end up like Dad, doing nothing with my life except working or sitting at home. Since I knew that getting to know people in the workplace was probably not going to cut it anymore, I joined a fitness club and started taking part in pub quizzes during the weekend. When Yuichi joined me in Inverness, I dragged him along whenever I could, but we're both at a point now where we know a few people we can hang out with in our free time if we want to. If he'd decide to stay there permanently, he probably wouldn't be lonely.

"Just general stuff."

Mom and Dad raise an eyebrow at my non-answer, but neither seems eager to start prying. Maybe that's a good thing.

"What do his parents think about the option of him moving?"

"They said they'd leave the choice up to him."

They'd certainly miss his presence, but since there's already someone else helping out with the family restaurant, I don't think they'd demand for him to stay in Japan.

"And up to you. I hope the two of you can manage to make this work. Maybe you can officially introduce him to us next time."

I can’t help rolling my eyes at that. Yuichi's an employee of the company. Surely they’ve checked him out already.

"Uhuh..."

Mom frowns.

"You don't seem extremely talkative."

"Never mind me. I'm just a little tired. It was a long drive."

Dad makes a gesture towards the doorway.

"You can rest in one of the guest rooms if you like."

"That'd be good."

I drink the remainder of my beer and then follow Mom, who gives me a little tour of the kitchen and the dining room...

"Well, how about it? Do you think you could make yourself feel at home here?"

"...who keeps this place clean whenever you're in Scotland? Does Dad have hidden homemaking skills he's never shown until now?"

"We have a housekeeper employed who helps me out with keeping the house in order and who's also been willing to take care of breakfast and dinner in my absence, at least until your father starts his new job."

...the study...

"That room sure looks familiar."

"Almost as if he packed the old room in his suitcases and brought it along, isn't it? The actual room is a little bit smaller, so some of his books are stored in the attic, but overall we made this place identical to his study in Scotland."

...the bathroom...

"It's still larger than I thought. Instead of two families, that bath can now only house one, which is still way larger than the tub I have in my apartment."

"Your father has always liked relaxing soaks, though we don't need a bath like the one in Inverness anymore."

"Have you ever needed a bath that large during those years you lived in Scotland to begin with? Why get a bath that can house like seven or eight people when it was just you and Dad living there?"

"Because we had business delegations from Japan on occasion, and your father would often let them stay at our home instead of letting them sleep at a hotel. Since Inverness has no Japanese communal bath houses, it was not uncommon for the members of such a delegation to have a shared soak at our place. Obviously, this bathroom here will only be used by our family."

"Okay, that kind of makes sense."

...the attic...

"This place kind of looks like a small office."

"The study is your father's place to retreat do some work or reading, so I decided to claim this little room for myself. I'd like to start working again at some point, after things have settled down for Lilly and your father, and when I do, this place'll be my little base of operations."

"What on earth do you need an old typewriter for?"

"Heh, I wrote pretty much all of my articles on a typewriter like this one back when I was still in the reporting business. I like the nostalgic feel it adds to the place. I'll be using a personal computer for actual work, of course."

"Oh."

...and finally the bedrooms.

"Didn't get around to properly furnish this one yet, huh?"

"It's not that we didn't have time to give this room a personalized touch. It's just that we weren't sure what kind of touch you'd want."

"Me?"

"This house has three bedrooms in addition to the master bedroom, so you can all have your own room. Lilly has already given a few pointers on what she'd like her room to look like. We were hoping you'd be willing to do the same."

"Lilly visits this place almost weekly. It makes sense to give her her own room. It's not like I'll be in Japan that often."

"We have enough bedrooms available. If you don't have any immediate suggestions, I could also drop by your apartment the next time to see what your interior tastes are like."

"Uh..."

Mom gives me a teasing smile.

"Or I could just decorate this place exactly like your bedroom of 20 years ago. I remember that one vividly."

"I hope you're not being serious."

"I hope it won't be necessary. Anyway, I'll let you have some peace and quiet now. You can rest up a little bit for an hour or two."

"Two hours?"

"We're planning to pay one of the nearby shrines a little visit together later today. It's been a tradition in this family for as long as I can remember."

"It hasn't really been a tradition over the last couple of years."

"All the more reason to pick it up again now that we're back in Japan. I know your father's really looking forward to it. I really hope you're coming along as well."

"Well... Okay then."

"Great. See you in two hours then."

Mom starts walking out of the room, but turns around once more before closing the door behind her.

"Oh, by the way... Take a look in the closet for a little surprise."

And with that, I'm left alone in a bedroom that has little more than a bed, a closet and a desk in it. With nothing better to do, I walk up to the closet and take a curious look inside. The only thing in there is an admittedly impressive bright red kimono.

"Geez, how do you put these things on again?"

Suddenly those two hours feel ridiculously short.

--------------------------------------
02
"Is that shrine far from here?"

Dad looks at me from the rearview mirror and shakes his head.

"A minute or ten at most. We will be there soon."

Lilly smiles.

"I still remember how we used to celebrate New Year by visiting the nearby shrine together with Grandfather and Grandmother and then go home to play games, eat rice cakes and listen to Mother playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony on her cello."

Mom shrugs.

"I always thought it sounded bland without an orchestra to play along. You can't really play symphonies on your own and make it sound right."

"Still, it's a pleasant memory for me. I suppose I can't convince you to give us a little performance later today?"

"Sorry dear, but it's been a long time since I've played that piece, and I'd like at least a bit of practice before I'd feel confident about playing it again. Maybe next year."

"That's a shame. It is something that stands out in my New Year memories."

Mom nods and then suddenly snickers.

"Is something the matter, Mother?"

"Just digging through my own New Year memories, and I remember how we'd always go and buy those little sheets of paper that'd tell you your fortune for the upcoming year at the shrine. Those... eh... I think they were called o-mikuji. And you were always pretty anxious about that."

Lilly shifts a bit uncomfortably in her seat, but I let out a chuckle. I think I know what Mom's referring to.

"Oh right. There was that one time when Lilly burst into tears in the middle of the shrine because she picked an o-mikuji that predicted bad fortune."

"Akira! That was the third year in a row I picked bad luck, and I was only seven at the time."

"Heh, I did feel kind of sorry for you back then, you know."

Mom turns her head around and grins playfully at me.

"It's not like New Year was always kind to you. I remember when you were seven you convinced us to buy you a kite to fly on New Year. But after only a few minutes, you accidentally let go of the flying line, and the kite ended up stranded in one of the tallest trees in the neighborhood. You were so upset about that that you spent about an entire month throwing pebbles at it every day in an attempt to dislodge it."

"Oh my. I never knew. How horrible."

Lilly giggles and I hear way more amusement than sympathy in her voice. I roll my eyes and give her a poke in the ribs with my elbow.

"You be quiet. That was my first kite ever, and I only ended up having a total of five minutes to enjoy it. It was a very traumatizing experience, so don't make light of it."

"Hahaha. Did you ever manage get it out of that tree?"

"Not really. One day it was simply gone. There was probably a storm the night before that took off with it. Maybe it's for the better, or I'd still be chucking pebbles at it."

"The two of you will have to save the rest of the memories for tonight's dinner, girls. The parking lot belonging to the shrine is just down the road."

As Dad parks the car near the stairs beyond the shrine gate, I let my eyes sweep across the parking lot. I see quite a few cars here, and there's a bus nearby whose passengers have just disembarked and are now making their way up the stairs. We might end up having to wait in line for quite some time. Thank goodness it's not too cold right now. We get out, and I turn to Hanako, who's been silent for pretty much the entire trip.

"Hey Hanako, would you mind helping Lilly up the stairs? Tripping up and tumbling down would be a really rotten way to start the new year."

Hanako gives me a nod, and we start walking up the stairs with me in the front, Mom and Dad just behind me and Lilly and Hanako bringing up the rear. I can hear the bustling of the crowd of visitors ahead and the ringing of the bell before I make it to the top, but when I reach the shrine gate, I'm still overwhelmed by how many people are visiting here right now.

"Geez, how did all these people get here? There weren't that many cars in the parking lot."

Mom, who followed close behind, gives me a silly grin.

"Either those were clown cars down there or most of the people here used the public transport. You tend to forget how popular it is here when you live abroad for some time, don't you?"

"Yeah, kind of..."

My attention quickly shifts from Mom to Lilly and Hanako who have now also reached the top of the stairs and pause for a moment some distance away from us to catch their breath and take in their surroundings. The contrast between their reactions couldn't be larger. Lilly takes a deep breath and seems to enjoy the scent from the nearby trees and the murmur of the people nearby. Hanako, on the other hand, only seems to have eyes for one thing..the crowd standing between us and the hall of worship where shrine visitors can do their prayers. The serenity on Lilly's face seems to make the terror and panic welling up in Hanako's eyes even more jarring.
03
Damnit!

From what I've seen of her myself, the extent of Hanako's trouble with crowded places is hard to pin down. When she was visiting the indoor marketplace in Inverness, she seemed capable of traversing the place with a minimum of discomfort despite the fact that there were quite a few people there. Of course, that was during a vacation that, from what I've heard, she enjoyed a lot and she was probably in a good mood. The last month hasn't been exactly good to her - quite the opposite, from what Lilly has told me. I'm not sure if anxieties work that way, but it wouldn't surprise me if the rut she's been in lately has made her more vulnerable to things that trigger her apprehensions. The idea of having to stand in the middle of a mass of people for what would probably be over an hour has to be intimidating to her even on her good days.

"Hanako, are you alright?"

Perhaps Lilly has picked up a change in Hanako's breathing, since she turns towards her friend with a worried expression.

"I'm... okay."

I walk up to the two of them, eager to clarify the situation.

"It's pretty crowded here, Lils. Somewhere between 150 and 250 people who get to go before it's our turn. We'll probably be here for a little while."

"...oh."

A pained expression appears on Lilly's face as she realizes the situation.

"Do you think we should... ah...?"

I turn to Hanako.

"You say you're okay, but the look on your face says something else entirely, Hanako."

"Please d-don't w-worry about me."

"I'm not worried. I just wonder if spending an hour with hundreds of people all around you is really your idea of a good time. Because from what I can see, to most people here it is."

"Uhh..."

Hanako fidgets nervously. I think responses like 'I'm okay.' and 'Don't worry about me.' are kind of reflexes for her whenever someone shows concern for her. She hates the idea of burdening others. But I don't think that she's good enough at lying to tell me to my face that she trusts herself not to panic at some point if we were to join the crowd in front of us.

"I'll... b-b-be okay. R-Really."

"Hanako, whenever people do things as a group, the amount of fun they're having is partially based on how much the rest is enjoying themselves. If one person in the group is feeling miserable, then it takes some really willful obliviousness for the rest to have a good time. If you're gonna try and reassure me that you really are going to be perfectly fine, at least look me straight in the eyes while telling me that you'll be okay."

Hanako sighs loudly. She's obviously not convinced she can pull off what I just asked her to do.

"I could... m-maybe w-wait in the car?"

"I dunno. Maybe we should simply call the whole thing off."

Hanako's widen in panic.

"B-But, it's a f-family t-tradition, isn't it? You and L-Lilly s-should..."

I don't think it was Hanako's intention, but she effectively shut the argument down. I'm not going to navigate this particular minefield until I know exactly how she feels about this matter and this isn't the right opportunity to pry.

"I'll go and consult the folks. Let's hear what they have to say."

As I walk up to Mom and Dad, I find myself wondering how they're gonna react to this whole thing. How aware are they about Hanako's various anxieties? Lilly doesn't usually talk about them, and I had to figure out most of Hanako's issues through personal interaction with her.

"Hey, I've been thinking... How important is this to you two?"

Mom and Dad give me a puzzled look.

"Because this place is kind of busy, and it may be better to visit another shrine or maybe come back later when the crowd has thinned out a bit."

"It is true that there are many people here, but it does not seem to be busier than it usually is on New Year's Day. I do not think you will find a shrine that does not have a lot of visitors right now, and I suspect that things will remain that way until closing time."

"Then maybe we should leave and come back tomorrow or something."

Dad shoots me an incredulous look.

"Visiting a shrine on New Year's Day has been a family tradition for a very long time."

"Except during the last six years."

This earns me a scolding glare from Dad. Mom gives me a quizzical stare.

"Why? Why now? You were okay with this before."

I had other things on my mind earlier, so I completely forgot about the possibility of this happening. I would graciously accept blame for that.

"Hanako..."

Mom and Dad throw a quick glance in Hanako's and Lilly's direction. It's hard to make out Hanako's expression from this distance, but her slumped posture is easy enough to see, even from here. They exchange a glance, and I can see realisation dawning on them. Mom gives me an unsure look.

"Hanako and that crowd...?"

"...yeah."

"She wants to leave here?"

"Part of her wants to get away from here as soon as possible, I can tell that much just by looking at her. But she also hates feeling like she's a burden on others, so she's not going to ask us to cater to her. She offered to wait in the car, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. She'd have nothing to do for over an hour except sit there and feel bad about herself."

"What do you think, dear?"

Dad looks pensive for a second and then lets out a disappointed sigh. He reaches into his pocket and hands me his car keys.

"Go ahead and take her back to the house. Then come back here afterwards to pick us up."

"Sure."

We make our way back to Lilly and Hanako.

"Hey Hanako... uh... Dad's given me the car keys and I'm going to go back to their place. Shall we go?"

She doesn't immediately respond and merely shuffles her feet for a moment while doing her best to avoid our gaze. There's a very guilty look in her eyes. Suddenly, Lilly speaks up.

"Father... would it be okay with you if I... went along as well?"

"...go ahead then. Your mother and I will offer a few additional prayers for your good fortune in your place."

"Thank you, Father."

Without much ado, we pass back down the stairs, through the gates and to the parking lot. This time, though, it almost feels like Lilly is helping Hanako navigate. We get in the car, and I drive back to our parents' home without anyone really saying anything. When we enter the living room, Hanako slumps down on the couch and holds her head in her hands.

"L-Lilly... Ak-Akira... I'm s-so sorry."
04
"Don't apologize, Hanako. It's really not that much of a big deal. Let's just relax a little bit, before you two get back to your books. I can afford to hang out here a little bit before I have to pick up the folks."

"B-But..."

"You know... back in the days we used to play games on New Year's Day after a shrine visit. Card games, backgammon, Lucky Laugh. Of course, Lilly would always win the latter. It's as much of a family tradition as the shrine visit was, and this one actually makes sense in my opinion. I don't see any reason for us not to honor this tradition right now."

Lilly smiles.

"Hanako, don't you have a deck of playing cards in your backpack? Why don't you go and get it? The two of us against Akira."

I grin.

"Bring it on."

Hanako looks a little doubtful, but then nods and walks out of the room. I wait until I think she's out of earshot and then turn to Lilly.

"I hope I wasn't being too overbearing with her back there. I kinda went with my gut instinct here. Given the number of people there, we would have been in the middle of that crowd for a long time and... If she had a panic attack ten or twenty minutes in, it would have been very difficult to quickly get her out of there, and we might have had a public spectacle right there with us at the center. Who knows how Dad would have reacted to that. Ever since that screw-up at Kasshoku University Hanako's probably more paranoid around crowds than ever before. Maybe we should be too."

Lilly nods her head.

"I... think you did the right thing. I just feel bad about disappointing Father."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Lils. Set the good example for Hanako."

"I'll try."

We wait until Hanako returns with her deck of cards and then start playing, with Lilly and Hanako occasionally whispering to one another on which card to play. As the game goes on, I can see Hanako slowly starting to relax.

"Akira?"

"What is it, Lils?"

"Why do you feel a family visit to the nearby shrine doesn't make sense? I'm not sure why you feel that way."

"I didn't say it doesn't make any sense at all, Lils. I said that it doesn't make much sense."

"I still don't really understand why you would say that."

"Those shrine visits were a family tradition because the three people in charge of the family, that being Dad, Granddad and Grandma, are shintoists. With Granddad and Grandma not being here right now, we might very well have more catholics than shintoists in the home right now."

Lilly raises an eyebrow.

"Do you still count yourself among those catholics, Akira?"

"Naw, I haven't been much of anything for years."

Hanako gives me a midly curious look.

"You were... um... catholic, Akira?"

"Used to be. Mom's a catholic, though it mostly translated into her giving us a pretty cross-shaped necklace to wear and sometimes telling us bedtime stories with a moral, like a shepherd who left his herd in order to look for one lost sheep or a traveller who was severely injured by bandits and saved by a member of an enemy tribe who had him nursed back to health out of compassion."

Lilly smiles.

"That last one was always one of my favorites."

"Mom's religion was always pretty low-key, but then I was thrown into middle school and some of those teachers started throwing the S-word around."

"Uh... S-word?"

"Sin. Nothing's more off-putting than people telling others they're lower human beings for the slightest infraction."

"Some of them were a bit heavy-handed, I'll admit."

"Anyway, I often wondered if a catholic saying a prayer at a shinto shrine isn't a sacrilege of some sort."

Lilly chuckles softly.

"I've always told myself that praying for the happiness and good fortune of one's loved ones is never sacrilegious, no matter the circumstances or the location. I'm pretty sure that Mother feels the same."

This discussion has made me curious about something. Having just finished a game, I wait until Hanako's finished shuffling and dealing the cards and then give her an inquisitive look.

"How about you, Hanako? Are you a shintoist yourself?"

Hanako looks a little awkward, but nevertheless gives it some thought.

"M-My parents were. We always went t-to our local shrine on N-New Year's D-Day too. B-But ever s-since... the accident, I haven't b-been to one. I d-didn't want to anymore, even though t-the orphanage staff usually visited the n-nearby shrine with t-the other children that day. I'm n-not really sure whether I'd even b-be welcome there anymore."

So the situation we just dealt with isn't even something new to Hanako. She's been faced with this kind of thing since she lost her parents.

"Oh..."

"It w-wasn't all bad though. We would usually eat some delicious rice cakes when the other c-children came back, and the staff would play games with us. That was... fun."

"You really like games, huh?"

She smiles gently and nods her head. I give her an encouraging smile back.

"Well, then let's play for two more rounds, and then I'll go back to the shrine, and you two can go back to your books."

--------------------------------------
05
"Aaaah..."

I stretch my arms as Lilly and I walk out of the bathroom after having taken a nice long soak. Lilly chuckles.

"That felt refreshing, didn't it?"

"Yeah, definitely a change from that cramped tub at my place. Though cramped has its benefits in certain situations too."

Lilly blushes a bit.

"Akira. That's kind of..."

Before we can continue on the subject, one of the guest room doors opens, and Hanako comes out and walks up to us.

"H-Hey. Was it... relaxing?"

"Yeah, it was pretty good. You can go ahead and get in yourself now. The water should be the right temperature for you."

"T-Thanks."

I give Hanako a friendly smile.

"You know, you could have taken one together with us, and I would have been more than willing to keep my eyes closed all the time. Soaking on your own is kind of lonely in such a large bath. Or Lilly could have accompanied you instead of me."

Hanako smiles uneasily and then shakes her head.

"It's... okay. I... already t-took a bath with L-Lilly yesterday. It... m-must have been some time ago when y-you and Lilly last bathed."

"Well, that is kind of true. The home we used to live in had a large bath too, so she and I used to take soaks together all the time. That kind of changed when I started working though. The last time we bathed together must have been..."

I rack my brain a bit, but can't come up with an exact answer. I give Hanako a goofy grin.

"...about the time Lilly's chest started getting larger than mine."

"Oh my..."

Lilly is visibly flustered by my joke, but then a playful smile appears on her face.

"...has it really been that long?"

Son of a- OUCH!

Hanako immediately turns her head away, obviously trying to hide her grin. I snicker a bit at Lilly's comeback, but am still determined not to let that little jab go unpunished. I give Lilly a playful poke in the side while at the same time winking at Hanako.

"You know, you'd better not diss my chest. After all, at least I have someone to admire mine. As does Hanako. As does Mom. You're currently the only person in this house who's headed for spinsterhood unless you learn how to accept date requests from people who aren't Hanako."

"I b-beg you pardon?"

The expression on Lilly's face is so comical that Hanako lets out an amused giggle before she can stop herself. Upon hearing this, Lilly smiles awkwardly.

"I have the impression I'm being made fun of."

"It's a joke, Lils. I hope you're not angry."

"Don't worry about it."

Hanako, probably having determined that the little spectacle before her has come to a conclusion, gently pushes her way past us and gives me a little nod before closing the bathroom door behind us. After hearing the door's lock snap into place, I turn to Lilly.

"Hope I wasn't out of line just now."

"I could very well ask you the same."

"Naw, you can make fun of me as much as you like. Especially if..."

"Especially if?"

"Especially if it cheers up Hanako. She looked a little down during our ride to the shrine and during dinner..."

Not just down, but also a little lonely if I remember correctly.

"...and she seemed downright depressed while we were driving back, but she was smiling again just now when she entered the bathroom."

"That's a relief to hear."

"You'd better get back to your books for a little while. If you feel up to it, that is."

"Hmmm... Have you finally joined the choir, Akira?"

"Heh, you're probably getting tired of all the prodding, but if you want to pursue your dream you'll have no choice but to do well on the National Center Test the upcoming month. They don't employ English teachers at Satou Medical Technology, so you can't take shortcuts like I did."

"I'll do my best. And Akira?"

"Yeah?"

A teasing smile appears on her face once more.

"I may not remain single my entire life, you know?"

"Meow, Lils."

Still chuckling, we each go back to our respective rooms. I lie down on the bed, take a manga issue out of my bag and start reading. I make it to page 20 before I hear knocking on the door. Too irregular to be Lilly's and too loud to be Hanako's. Not pronounced enough to be Dad's.

"Yes?"

The door opens and, as expected, Mom walks into the room. I give her a look as if to ask what she wants, but she merely stares at me for a moment.

"Uh... Is something wrong?"

"Hey. Did you and Lilly have a pleasant soak?"

"It was alright."

"No longer feeling tired?"

"Not really, it was pretty refreshing."

"If that's the case then would you like to join your father and me downstairs?"

Ugh. I was already wondering where this conversation was headed. Now I kind of feel like she set me up.

"I'd... uh... rather stay here if that's okay."

"There's not exactly a lot to do here."

"Until I finish this manga, that's probably not going to be a problem."

"That's gotta be one hell of a manga."

I manage to resist the temptation to ask her what on earth she meant by that and simply get back to reading. But contrary to my expectation, Mom doesn't walk out of the room. Instead, she sits down on the chair near the desk and just keeps looking at me without saying something. I raise the manga closer to my face in an attempt to block her out, but somehow her gaze manages to unnerve me enough to make further reading impossible. I sigh loudly and put my manga back in my bag before returning the stare that's aimed at me.

"Okay, what's the problem?"
06
Mom doesn't immediately answer and merely twirls one of her bangs around her finger.

"What do you think the problem is?"

I'm not in the mood for charades like these.

"Mom, if you have something on your mind, I'd rather get it over with now."

She lets out a tired sigh.

"When I heard that you were coming over today, I was hoping we'd get the opportunity to... you know... maybe not reconcile, but make a start to mend our differences. I didn't think there'd be a more appropriate day for making a new start than New Year's Day."

"Oh..."

"But that's probably not going to happen, is it?"

"Sorry I couldn't meet your expectations."

"Couldn't or wouldn't? It's been kind of weird to see you today, you know? Whenever Lilly and Hanako are nearby, you're like all smiles and sunshine. But the moment they're out of earshot, the temperature suddenly drops like 30 degrees."

"What did you want me to do? Put on a fake smile and pretend nothing's wrong?"

"For the love of God, no. I know a lot has happened between us, and it'll probably take a long time to move past that, but... It felt like you weren't even trying today. Whenever we talk to you, you answer in single syllables. You took literally every single opportunity you could get to avoid us or get away from us."

"At least I haven't started any arguments."

"Akira, why exactly did you come here today? You've declined Lilly's invitations before, so why not now? You could have spent time with Lilly before or after her stay here. If today wasn't a gesture of reconciliation and you dislike our presence this much, why come here at all? Why let us mar your day?"

I never came here to reconcile. If that's what she expected then it's no wonder she's disappointed.

"It's complicated."

My gaze briefly wanders towards one of the walls. Mom follows my gaze and then nods.

"Hanako?"

She picked that one up quickly, I have to admit that much.

"I wanted to keep an eye out. Just in case. Make certain she'd be alright. That's why I came."

Mom lets out a bitter chuckle.

"You came here to protect her against us? I'm not sure whether to be laugh or cry about that. A few weeks ago, you still gave us your blessing. We wouldn't have gone ahead without that. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"No change of heart. Dad asked a very specific question, and I gave a very specific answer. He asked if I objected to having Hanako as my little sister. I said I didn't, and that hasn't changed. She's a sweet kid, and I really do feel a certain bond with her."

"I agree. And she doesn't seem to have a lot of people in her life right now. Don't you think she deserves a family?"

"I think she deserves a family, alright. I'm just not so sure whether she deserves this one."

"Any specific objections?"

"Come on, Mom. Don't play dumb. What if Hanako had been a few years younger and you would have had to go through the orphanage staff to make the arrangement? Do you think they would have gone along with it if they knew about your track record?"

"They just might have. There's one heck of a lot of adoptions taking place each year in this country, but only a miniscule part of those adoptions actually involve children who are in need of a home. Adoptive parents aren't all that common. Nearly all adoptees are succesful adult men."

"So you'd be counting on their desperation? That sure is a big reassurance."

"Your cynicism is noted."

"My cynicism, huh? I wonder..."

"Yes?"

"She hasn't given you an answer yet, has she? Not when you first asked her, not during the week that came after and not today, even though New Year's Day would have been a perfect occasion to make a 'new start' as you put it."

"No. Not yet. But we told her she could take her time. And she really should be focussing on the National Center Test and her entrance exams. Get those out of the way first."

I study the expression on Mom's face carefully, and I detect the same slight sense of anxiety that I noticed on Lilly's face when I briefly asked her about this subject during our shared soaking session. It's pretty obvious that both had been expecting Hanako to have jumped at the offer when it was made to her.

"I wonder if you guys also thought of an exit strategy in case Hanako isn't interested."

"We told her that the decision is hers to make. If she declines, she'll still always be welcome here as an honored guest."

"Surely you don't believe that it's that simple. Hanako probably feels that declining would be an insult. Even if she declined, she'd still be roommates with Lilly. She'd still be living in an apartment that you two are paying for and that you might be visiting every now and then too. Do you realize just how awkward that would be for her?"

"You almost make it sound like you're secretly hoping for this whole thing to fall apart."
07
"That's not it. I'm simply hoping for whatever outcome is best for Hanako. That girl's been hurt a lot in the past and is still lugging around one hell of a lot of baggage. The last thing she deserves is to be let down again. You couldn't be bothered to take responsibility for your own child six years ago and now you think you have what it takes to take responsibility for someone else's. Can you even imagine what that's like? Don't answer that! I know you can't! But I can, thanks to you!"

I promised myself not to make a fuss today. I'd just go here, hang out with Lilly and Hanako and bottle up whatever anger I feel towards Mom and Dad. As long as I made sure not to interact with them too much, things'd be fine. But now it looks like I'm about to break my promise. Something about Mom managed to touch a nerve, and now I feel my old wounds are bursting open.

"Akira, calm down. I'm not justifying what has happened in the past."

"No, now you're downplaying it instead!"

"I wasn't downplaying anything."

"You come in here and act offended, because I haven't forgotten about you having abandoned Lilly. You're like: 'What's the problem, we're here now, aren't we? Just shut up and forgive us already.' Like it was never a big deal!"

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you are! You're lecturing me about how New Year's Day is such a perfect date for a new start. Do you know what would have been an even better date for a new start? Well? The previous six friggin' New Year's Days! That's all Lilly wanted for New Year, you know. For you to come back to her!"

"I..."

"Just because Lilly isn't going to call you out, doesn't give you the right to scold me for rightfully holding you responsible. Even though you don't want to be reminded that you left your youngest daughter in the care of a girl barely out of high school, that's still exactly what happened. Either that or you were planning to rely on a mother-in-law suffering from ulcers, shortness of breath and high blood pressure to clean up after you... like you've been doing for years anyway."

"Akira..."

Mom gets up from the chair and takes a few steps towards the door, but before I can reach into my bag to retrieve my manga, she stops, turns towards me and shoots me a vicious glare.

"It's nice to see that you're so committed to Lilly's well-being that you're attacking us on her behalf. You've probably convinced yourself that she's secretly thankful for it, too. What I remember Lilly telling me is that it's her dream to get our family back together again. And she's been trying really hard. I don't think it'll be easy to move past the last few years, but I still believe it's possible and that we can come out of this closer than we were before, if we give it an honest try. But you don't really believe that, do you? Neither do you want it. You've already given up on our family, and you're more comfortable with the way things are now! You wouldn't mind if things remain this way forever, but you're afraid of admitting this to Lilly, so you're playing along on days like this while blaming any lack of progress on us. Shout at us as much as you like if that makes you feel better, but at least stop pretending to have her best interests at heart! Because you don't!"

"Oh, shut up Mom!"

I'm shaking with anger at her words, and it takes all my strength to fight off the urge to punch her. I probably would have thrown my book at her if it had been in my hand right now.

"Mother... Akira..."

We've both been so occupied with our hostile stand-off that neither of us noticed that the bedroom door softly opened, revealing a very upset-looking Lilly standing in the doorway.

"Please... Stop fighting..."

The hurt expression on Lilly's face is enough to make me forget about the anger I just felt and replace it with a weary resignation. When I look at Mom, I notice the combatitive look in her eyes has vanished as suddenly as it appeared and has given way to a tired expression. She sighs as she briefly puts her hand on Lilly's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, dear."

"Sorry, Lils. I'll keep my mouth shut from now on."

Without responding any further, Lilly turns around and walks out of the room. Crap. I really messed up this time. I wonder how much of that argument she overheard. Probably all of it.

Mom turns to me and lets out another weary sigh.

"I... may have been out of line just now."

"I could really use a beer right about now."

"Yeah, me too. Want to go and grab one?"

"...why not?"

I follow Mom to the kitchen where she opens the fridge and takes two cans of beer out of it. I take one of them from Mom, and we open our cans with a loud snap. Neither of us looks at the other or says a word as we drink. I doubt there's much to say to begin with. When I finish my beer and prepare to throw the can away, I suddenly notice a small box on a sidetable that wasn't there when I got a tour of the kitchen.
08
"What's in there?"

"Oh, we picked that up today. We got it for Lilly, Hanako and you. We were planning to give it to the three of you later this evening. Now that I think about it, now would be a good time to do so. I doubt Lilly's currently in the mood to do any more studying. Would you mind getting the girls?"

"Well, okay."

I go upstairs and visit Lilly and Hanako in their rooms, telling them that Mom and Dad have something they wanted to give to them. When we get back to the living room, Mom and Dad are already waiting for us with the box I noticed earlier on the table in the middle. The three of us sit down on one of the couches, and Dad scrapes his throat.

"Ahem, I trust the two of you are satisfied with the amount of studying you have managed to get in for today?"

"I have, Father."

"I... umm... t-think so."

"Very good. Since the three of you were absent during our visit to the shrine's hall of worship, we made certain to bring you some of these. With the exams so close, we felt it could not hurt."

He takes the box off the table and opens it. It's filled to the brim with o-mikuji. Mom smiles.

"Hopefully a little good fortune for the exams you're facing this month."

I scratch my head.

"You sure bought a lot of those o-mikuji."

"The three of you can take one each. I'm going to take the rest of them to my colleagues in Inverness on my next trip there. They love this kind of stuff."

Father makes an inviting gesture towards the box.

"Go ahead and take one."

Lilly, Hanako and I each pick a piece of paper from the box and unfold it. With more than a little hint of excitement, Lilly shows me her piece.

"Can you tell me what mine says, Akira?"

"You got 'Good Luck', Lils. I hope that translates into good results later this month."

Lilly beams.

"I really hope so too. What did you get, Akira?"

"I got a 'Bad Luck' one. No biggie."

"Oh..."

I roll my eyes at Lilly's slightly worried expression.

"You know, I don't really believe in this stuff, so it doesn't faze me."

"Even so..."

My eyes shift from Lilly to Hanako who has just unfolded her piece, but doesn't really react to it.

"What did you get, Hanako?"

Without saying anything, she gives me her piece of paper.

"It says 'Great Luck'. Looks like we have a winner here."

Mom makes a quick 'not so fast'-gesture with her finger.

"You know what you have to do to draw out its full potential, don't you?"

--------------------------------------

09
"You know, I think we may have already used up all our good luck when we made our way up these stairs in the dark without breaking our necks."

"I think you may be exaggerating a bit."

It was still trickier than I thought though. After we each picked an o-mikuji, Mom suggested I drive back to the shrine together with Lilly and Hanako and tie our pieces of paper to the pine tree on the shrine grounds. As custom would have it, bad fortunes can be avoided that way while good fortunes are strengthened. Seems a bit silly, but I was kind of aching for some fresh air anyway, and there were some things I wanted to say to Lilly without Mom and Dad being anywhere nearby, so I gave in and drove back with the girls in tow. We very carefully climbed up the stairs to the gate, and now we're standing on the road leading to the various buildings. The shrine's been closed for hours, but fortunately there's no need for us to enter any of the buildings. The tree that visitors tie their o-mikuji to has to be somewhere nearby. It's probably near the hall of worship, so that's where we're headed right now.

"It might not be easy to find that tree with the shrine grounds being this dark, but a tree containing hundreds of pieces of paper must produce a pretty distinct rustling sound, so keep your ears open."

"Hmmm... I think you're right. Are we near the right building already?"

"We're pretty close. Do you hear anything?"

"Somewhere... to our left.

I peer through the darkness in the direction Lilly pointed out and vaguely see some light shapes moving in the wind.

"Yup, we've found the spot. I'll hold out a branch and you can do the tying, okay?"

"Alright."

I approach the tree, grab one of the branches and hold it in front of my sister who starts meticulously tying the pieces of paper to one of its unoccupied parts.

"I'm almost done. Can I have your piece as well, Hanako?"

No immediate response. Hanako's merely standing there looking at her o-mikuji as if the thing's calling her names.

"Hanako?"

I hear a tired sigh coming from her and then the piece of paper is pressed into Lilly's hand, who wastes no time attaching it next to our pieces.

"Hey Hanako, is everything alright?"

"Y-Yes. It's just..."

"Hmmm?"

"I... d-don't really believe in t-this either."

Earlier today, she told us that she and her parents used to visit a place like this during New Year's Day. I wonder what her last o-mikuji said back then, assuming she picked one. Maybe she picked a 'Great Luck' fortune back then too, only to be orphaned and disfigured later that year. That would turn you off to the practice pretty quickly. On the other hand, maybe the fact that she survived at all is great luck in a really twisted way. I wonder...

"Good evening. Are you here to... sight-see? I'm afraid we're... only open between 9 and 4."

Hanako lets out a cry of surprise when we suddenly hear an unknown voice behind us speaking to us in rather awkward English. We turn around and see a girl who's probably not much older than 16 standing in front of us.

"Uh, hey. Good evening. Sorry for intruding."

"Oh... ah... excuse me."

She seems a bit surprised when I answer her in Japanese. Due to our blond hair and the weird time of our visit, she must have mistaken us for tourists.

"We weren't really here to see the sights. We just finished hanging up our o-mikuji."

"Ah... Okay."

Lilly, sensing the awkwardness in the girl's voice, steps forward and smiles in her general direction.

"I realize that we're visiting at a really awkward time, but we've spent most of the day studying at our house, and we need all the good luck we can get for the weeks that lie ahead."

A look of realization appears on the girl's face almost immediately.

"The Center Test?"

"Indeed."

"Good luck. I hope you'll do well."

We exchange bows and prepare to leave the premise when the girl suddenly calls out to us.

"Excuse me."

"Yes?"

"Would you... ah... like to use the hall of worship?"

"The hall of worship? But the shrine is closed, isn't it?"

"The doors aren't locked right now because I just finished cleaning it. If you like, you can make a wish there while I finish my remaining chores at the administrative building."

Lilly gives me an encouraging look.

"Well, okay then. Thanks. We greatly appreciate it."

"You're welcome. I have an older sister who worked here as a shrine maiden during the last few New Year's Days, but now she's busy studying as well, which is why I've taken her place this year."

After thanking the shrine maiden again, we wash our hands at the nearby purification basin and then enter the shrine building. It's still pleasantly warm inside the building, especially compared to the rather chilly night air, and the presence of several lit lanterns in the room gives it a cozy atmosphere. Looking at the row of low seats in the center of the room gives me a sudden urge to take a load off.

"It's kind of cozy in here. Seeing that that shrine maiden sounded like she might still be busy in the other building for a little while, we might be able to take it easy for a few moments without running the risk of wearing out our welcome."

The girls think about it for a moment and then give an almost simultanous nod. We put three of the seats in a circular formation and sit down. This is probably the most relaxed I've felt all day. I guess this would be a good moment to apologize to Lilly. I could do it after today, over the phone, but I'd really prefer to do things like these in person. I don't think either of us minds Hanako being nearby.

"So... umm... Lils, what did you think of today?"

"It was good to celebrate New Year's Day together again after being separated for such a long time."

"So you enjoyed it despite me... well... causing trouble?"

Lilly's smile falters a bit. Looks like she picked up what I'm talking about.
10
"You're still troubled by Mother's words, aren't you?"

"You think she was on to something?"

A pained expression appears on Lilly's face. This isn't a comfortable subject for either of us, and the silence that follows merely reinforces that.

"You can tell me what you think, Lils. I won't be upset if you take Mom's side in this case."

Lilly's shoulders droop upon hearing my words. I can't help but feel that what was meant to be a reassurance had exactly the opposite effect.

"Akira... I don't want to take sides. I don't want to feel like having to choose between you and our parents anymore. There shouldn't be any sides to begin with. Why can't you understand that? Why won't you understand that?"

She's right, of course. There shouldn't be any sides. Yet ever since Mom and Dad left Japan, that's exactly how things have been in my mind. They abandoned us. They abandoned Lilly. So from that moment on, it was us and them. They sent all the financial support we ever needed and then some, but as far as emotional and practical support were concerned, I was the only person Lilly had left. From that point on, it was up to me to be a father and mother figure at the same time. I promised myself back then that I'd be a better parental figure to her than Mom and Dad could ever be. That bar wasn't set particularly high. All I had to do to stay above it was simply vowing to never abandon Lilly. Easiest vow I've made in my life.

"There shouldn't be, but when Mom and Dad left, I really did feel like our family was split into two halves. That was simply the way things were."

Deep down, I felt the schism in our family was permanent. Even if they'd return one day, things wouldn't be the same. It would still be us and them. It would always be us and them. Even though I felt angry, even bitter, about it, I accepted this to be reality from then on. Looking back on things, I think I did more than merely accept this new reality. I think I also grew comfortable with it. Like we were better off without them anyway. Maybe I grew too comfortable with the situation.

"Maybe. But I don't think that's the way things should be."

The same obviously can't be said for Lilly. Deep down she never made peace with the way our family split up and probably always hoped they'd unexpectedly return to Japan and we'd pick up exactly where we left off. Then we took that first trip to Inverness, and we experienced first-hand how much we had grown apart. It didn't really faze me since it merely confirmed what I already knew, but Lilly was very troubled by it.

"I've been thinking about it, and Mom's probably right about me. I have given up on this family. Probably gave up a long time ago. Look, I'm really sorry for kicking up such a fuss."

When Mom and Dad asked Lilly to move to Inverness, I didn't really know what to think about it. Part of me felt like she was better off staying in Japan. She had her friends there and a little semi-family of her own. We'd stay in contact regardless. If she'd really move to Inverness, I'd still get to hang out with her, but I didn't think she'd really get that close with our parents.

When Dad got hospitalized, the various confrontations between us reached a point where I feared that the two halves that made up our family were in danger of falling apart themselves and I hated the fact that I couldn't reliably support Lilly on this particular issue. So eventually, I turned to Hanako who was the closest thing Lilly had to a sister aside from me. I'm not really sure what Hanako talked to her about - Lilly's never been willing to tell me - but the next time I saw Lilly, she seemed to have found a new sense of determination and purpose.

Things really changed after that. When I mentioned to Lilly that people at the office seemed worried about going to the States without Dad and Mom, she suggested for Mom to go and me to accompany her as Dad's representative while she stayed behind in Inverness to look after Dad in Mom's place. We ended up going with that suggestion, and Mom and I spent quite some time in each other's company, although we didn't really do any bonding. Lilly, on the other hand, really managed to make an impression on our old man while we were gone, and after we got back I couldn't help but feel that he developed a genuine soft spot for his youngest daughter. When we learned that Dad was going to be replaced as CEO of the company and Lilly made the proposal for them to come and live in Japan again and Dad seemed to be willing to give it some thought, I did what I felt I had to do - throw my support behind my sister.

"Even if you have given up on us, we haven't given up on you, Akira. Nor will we ever."

"Heh, 'we' meaning 'you', Lils? Are Mom and Dad really this eager to have their black sheep back?"

"I think you're being too hard on yourself."

I dunno about that. As far as I'm concerned, Mom and Dad always considered me a bit of a troublemaker. While other kids in the neighborhood were spoiled by their mothers, I was continuously told what was or wasn't the proper way to act. Them eventually sending me to that horrible middle school was just one more attempt to turn me into something I never was, nor ever could be. Maybe that's why I so quickly became comfortable with the situation of things coming down to me and Lilly. Between the two of us, there was always unconditional acceptance. If the four of us would 'get back together again', there's no question who'd end up eventually falling by the wayside again, like always. Maybe that's why I feel the way I feel.

"It's not myself I'm being hard on. I'm fairly comfortable with who I am even if most others aren't."

"They may be hesitant to show it, but your happiness is very important to them. In fact... While I was selfishly trying to convince you to accompany us back to Japan, Mother and Father felt that maybe it was a good idea to give you the opportunity to find out if you could become happy in Inverness. They were thinking of your well-being when I wasn't. It was Father who told this to me."

"Heh... Dad?"

"He also told me he could never dislike you... because you remind him so much of Mother."

"A couple of months ago, I would have insisted he'd take a drug test for that saying kind of thing."

Lilly giggles.

"I agree with him. You two really do seem to have a lot in common. I think... it made it easier for me - to reconnect with her."

"Don't remind me, please."

It's probably not Lilly's intention, but her words give me an unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like seeing Mom's interaction with her tends to do. At first, I believed Mom somehow thought that imitating my way of interacting with Lilly was some quick and easy way to bond with her. I was quite insulted by the idea of such a cheap trick actually working. It wasn't until I spent some more time at head office, where Mom and Dad were frequently brought up, that I started second-guessing my initial impression.

"I... um... t-think it's actually t-true as well."

I smirk slightly as Hanako jumps in for the first time since we sat down here.

"You wannna know something funny? I hear this all the time at work. Just about every time I have a bit of fun with a colleague, I hear stuff like 'That's your Mom talking'. It's actually starting to get on my nerves a bit, being compared to her all the time."

Lilly smiles.

"I think they're complimenting you. Mother was greatly respected at work, wasn't she?"

"Mom and Dad both - from what I've been able to tell so far. Dad was considered the brains of the operation. Very sharp business instincts and a knack for playing the long game, but also a bit distant and... heh... a bit repressed. Mom was more considered the heart of the business. She had the reputation of being sociable and easy to approach. She'd usually be the one to smooth over misunderstandings between the staff and either Dad or people from the Japanese branch, and she also acted as confidant for people on the workfloor. Heh, over the last few months people have been randomly walking up to me - probably under the assumption that I am her successor or something..."

"This is merely conjecture on my part, but I believe you and Mother will probably get along very well with one another once you manage to work out your... differences."

"Don't misinterpret my words, Lils. Just because she could earn my respect as a colleague doesn't mean I could respect her as a person, and without personal respect it would be really hard to get along, don't you think?"

"That's... pretty harsh..."

"Don't you wonder about it then?"

"Wonder about what?"

"Mom used to be so different. She was pretty much the ideal housewife from a traditional male perspective. Quiet, elegant - but also a bit of a doormat. I mean... When Dad summoned her to Scotland, I wasn't even that surprised she went along with it without putting up a fight. She almost always deferred to Dad. For some time, I simply saw her as just another victim. But that's kind of hard to believe now. If this proper lady thing was really an act, put on to 'set the good example' or whatever lame excuse Dad gave, why didn't she tell him to stick that summoning where the sun don't shine? Unless, of course, she really did want to get away from us."

"I don't really have an answer to that. Except we don't really know what went on between them. Maybe there was a confrontation, and we simply don't know about it. Maybe we'll find out some day. "

"I don't really get it, Lils. Is it really that easy for you to forgive them like that? Are you a saint, or am I simply dead inside?"

Lilly giggles at that.

"I think neither. Can I say something that will remain within these walls?"

"My lips are sealed."

"M-Mine too."

"The truth is that... I haven't forgiven them myself yet either. But... I'd still like them to be part of my life in the meantime while I deal with that. I don't think I can go back to the way things were, because I perceive them in a different light now. Perhaps less as infallible authority figures and more simply as ordinary people, just like you and me - with both qualities and flaws. This makes it easier to appreciate their qualities and overlook their shortcomings. I'd like to give them a second chance to prove themselves. Deep down I feel that Mother and Father genuinely care about us and about our well-being. I want to try and have faith in them. I can't really explain it myself. Call it female intuition."

Faith, huh?

"Hmmph, I wonder why I don't have any of that 'female intuition' of yours..."
11
"Hmmm..."

Lilly raises her hand to her mouth in order to hide a playful grin, and I realize that I just set myself up for the world's easiest punchline.

"If any of you dare suggest that it's because I'm not feminine enough, you'll either be walking back to our parents' place or sleeping at the shrine. Just sayin..."

Lilly and I share a hearthy laugh with even Hanako joining in eventually. After this little moment of silliness, Lilly slowly gets up from her seat.

"Seeing that we're indeed still at a shrine, perhaps it would be a good idea to do what we came to do here. Our host is probably finishing up as we speak."

"Good point. Let's go ahead and make a wish then."

We get up, I put some coins in the nearby offering box, and Hanako walks up to the bell cord on one side of the room, ringing the shrine's bell twice. As she joins Lilly in a silent little New Year's prayer, I find myself trying to put my thoughts in order.

For all her polite approach towards our parents, Lilly has a surprisingly down-to-earth attitude towards them that took me off guard a bit. Maybe I really should back off a bit and avoid shouting at Mom and Dad on her behalf.

Is it really possible to move on without forgiving them first?

Can I have faith in them?

Do I even want to?

If I want to keep interacting with Lilly, I can't keep avoiding our parents, tempting as it seems.

I wonder what kind of future we have as a family, if any.

Making a wish for our family to fully reconciliate might be insincere on my part for now.

Maybe something more generic. I take a quick look at Lilly and Hanako and then silently nod to myself.

I wish...

I wish for everyone I've been with today to have good fortune the upcoming year...

...that includes...

...I suppose...

...Mom and Dad.

Yeah, that'll do.
12

Chapter 48
01
"H-Hanako..."

As beads of sweat start appearing on my forehead, and my breathing gets more frantic by the second, I whisper the name of my girlfriend in desperation. I moan as the sensation I'm feeling right now grows even more intense.
02
Not now.

Keep it together.

Deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

I struggle to regain control of myself. If I wasn't sitting behind my desk right now, I probably would have collapsed in a heap already.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

My heart's still pounding like a jackhammer, but its pace doesn't seem to be increasing beyond its already frantic rate.

Breathe in, breathe out...

I might be able to get up. If this is still going to get worse, I might as well have my episode in the hallway and hope somebody notices and gets help.

At least I'll know the face of my sudden assailant.

I struggle to get on my feet and shuffle towards the door. Just when I reach the doorknob, I feel my heart slowly calming down. I lean against the door with both hands and try to avoid panicking, concentrating on keeping my breathing steady and emptying my head of any thoughts that might cause distress.

As my heart slowly returns to its 'normal' rhythm, I turn my head around and look at my alarm clock. It's 00:30 on January the 19th right now and under normal circumstances, I would have been asleep at this time of night already. But tomorrow (technically today) will be the first day of the National Center Test for University Admissions, and just about all the subjects I'm not extremely confident about, such as English and history, are on the books this day. That's why I decided to involve myself in a last-minute late-night cramming session.

I've been doing very little else than studying over the course of the last few weeks with the occasional nap thrown in for good measure. I know that it's not a healthy schedule, but until recently I was convinced that I'd be able to hang in there without any serious issues popping up.

But then this night came along. I wasn't feeling well, but I've been reminding myself that I'll be able to take it slightly easier after this weekend. All I had to do was hang in there for a little while longer. I was studying when there was suddenly an unusually loud knock on the door that startled the hell out of me and caused my heart to skip a beat, then another beat. Just when I realized that this could spell big trouble, my heartbeat returned, only for it to accelerate... and accelerate... and accelerate.

While fighting the urge to pass out from the strain, there was interestingly only one thought on my mind.

What will happen to Hanako if I die here tonight?

Thankfully, after what felt like an hour but was probably closer to 20 seconds, my heart started slowing its dysfunctional rhythm, and I slowly started regaining my senses.

That was close.

And now I'm at the door of my room. Whoever nearly scared me to death better have a good reason.

"I was starting to think you dozed off. This is no hour to keep a bro waiting, man."

I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Damnit, Kenji..."

Of course, who else? I consider shouting at him what an idiot he's just been, but then realize I probably don't even have the strength to keep that up and would achieve little anyway aside from getting into trouble with the dorm keeper. So instead, I walk past him and into the bathroom where I soak one of the washing cloths and use it to wipe the sweat off my forehead. As the cool cloth soothes my throbbing head, the adrenaline rush from the experience back in my room makes way for an overwhelming tiredness, so I sit down on the nearby shower seat and wait for my body to get its bearings back.

"Man, you're not looking so great."

Looks like he's still completely oblivious to what just occurred. Of course, obliviousness has always been one of Kenji's strong suits. Even the stress of the upcoming test hasn't changed that. I briefly consider how this could have turned out. The last sight of my life being Kenji looking down at me. What a depressing way to go that would be.

"I think I just got uncomfortably close to keeling over and dying."

"You mean like... that thing with your heart happened again?"

Wow, I didn't expect him to actually grasp that. Maybe my first impression was wrong.

"Y-Yeah, that thing with my heart happened again. I'm kind of impressed you still remember that. The only time I mentioned that to you was nearly half a year ago."

That was after my hospitalisation, while I was trying to keep him away from Hanako and Lilly working things out in my room. Man... that feels like such a long time ago. A lot sure has changed since then.

"Of course I remember that. They operated on you and placed that tracking device inside you, right?"

And other things haven't changed in the slightest. I guess there's a reason people like to rely on their first impressions after all.

"Forget about the tracking device. Why did you have to knock so loudly? You nearly killed me just there."

"Killed you? That's not a cool thing to say, man. Not cool at all. If I really wanted to kill someone, I wouldn't start making noises and scare 'em to death. I'd do something like... drop him off a roof or something... make it look like an accident."

"Look, you startled me with that loud knock. That caused my heart to act up."

"It's gotta be something more. Maybe someone spiked your food. Do you remember it tasting funny?"

"It wasn't the food, Kenji, it was the knocking. Besides, who'd want to poison my food anyway?"

"The feminist conspiracy - or someone working for them. They're trying to keep you from graduating and getting into a university."

"Why would they want to do that?"

"Universities in Japan are still largely dominated by men. They're among the last remaining bulwarks against the feminist influence. So now the bitches are conspiring to keep as many men out of there as possible and eliminate contenders before they have the chance to make it in. One at a time. You're lucky you're still alive."

"Is that why you're studying so hard to get admitted to a university yourself?"

"Am I ever! And it looks like I got their attention. Damn, now that I think about it, they may have been after me all along. Got the meals mixed up."

"I doubt it. The person who's been making us meals over the last few days is a member of the science club. You said you personally vetted all of them. Shouldn't that clear him?"

"Oh, right. So I guess it wasn't the food. Did you pass any girls carrying umbrella's lately?"

"Why?"

"There's the old trick with the poison-tipped umbrella. You pass a chick carrying such a thing, you feel a little prick in your ankle and by the time you're keeling over, the perp is already on the other side of the country."

"It was the knocking, Kenji."

"Did you receive any letters containing some strange powder lately?"

"It was the knocking, Kenji. Why is that so hard to accept?"

"Because I knock like that all the time whenever I need a favor, man. And you've always handled it just fine."

That's kind of difficult to deny.

"You know, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm just way more out of shape than I thought."

"You don't really look in good shape, dude. Maybe... you know... you should get some sleep. You look like you need it."

I'm already kind of used to Lilly and Hanako mothering me, but if even Kenji starts telling me I need to take it easy, I must be a really sordid sight.

"...maybe I should. Tomorrow's gonna be one hell of a day. I doubt I'll get much more cramming done anyway."

I get up from the shower seat and carefully make my way back to the door to my room. Before going in, I turn to Kenji, having just remembered something.

"By the way, why did you want to see me at this hour to begin with? Was it really that important that it couldn't wait until morning?"

"Oh yeah, that's right... it was. It was about... uh..."

A new feminist plot? Breakfast money? Or something even more...

"...your science notes. I need your notes on the aerodynamics stuff. You're the science club president. You took notes on that, right?"

... mundane? Gee.

"Yeah, I'll go and get them."

Still feeling tired, but no longer as anxious, I enter my room, get the notes he asked for and walk back out.

"Here's what I have on the subject."

"You're a real pal. If I can't make it into university, I might as well keep the honor to myself and eat the feminists' fuckin' poisoned food right here and now. And uh... Sorry about the knocking, man. Didn't expect you to take it that badly."

"Thanks. I didn't expect it either, so maybe it was a wakeup call."

"I'll return them when I'm done with them."

"It's okay. I think I know what's in them anyway. You might not be able to use them though. I wrote in rather tiny letters when I took those notes. You might have trouble reading them."

"Hey, don't knock the eyes, man. They've seen things. Terrible things that you can't imagine..."

He's back in his own world again.

"Good night, Kenji."

"Like when I made a ship in a bottle and my mom sat on it..."

--------------------------------------

03
I'm woken up from my slumber by the sudden sound of my cell phone ringing. Still groggy, I stumble out of bed and manage to snap it open just before my voicemail would have kicked in.

"Hisao Nakai..."

"Good morning, Hicchan!"

"Wha... Misha is that you?"

"Misha? Don't you recognize the voice of your own mother anymore?"

"Sorry, Mom. I just got out of bed."

I'm now awake enough to remember that Misha and Shizune weren't even the first people to use that nickname on a regular basis. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Mom's calling me today. I was just taken off guard by how early she called. She probably wanted to make certain I wouldn't oversleep.

"I hope you weren't too nervous to sleep."

To be honest, that little episode last night did manage to rattle me, and I started wondering whether it was even a smart idea to set my alarm clock before ultimately deciding that without it I was almost guaranteed to oversleep. Now it turns out that I was never in danger of that to begin with.

"No, not really."

I turn off my alarm clock and start opening my pill bottles with my free hand. I might as well get that out of the way not that I'm awake.

"This is the day you're most nervous about, isn't it?"

"Yeah. History and languages are on the menu today. The most important subjects for me aren't up until tomorrow, but I'll still need to do fairly well on today's exams in order to keep my average up. I have some leeway due to science and math being weighed way more heavily by the faculty I'm applying for than today's subjects, but they could still drag me down if I'm not careful."

"You've been studying so hard over the last few months, I know you're going to do well."

"I really hope so."

"When do you expect to know the results?"

"We're not going to get official results, but the school's making copies of our answer sheets for us and the National Center for University Entrance Examinations is publishing the answers this evening, so that's when I'll know how I did. Same thing tomorrow. Tomorrow evening I'll be able to tell whether I have a chance to take the entrance exams for university or whether... I'll have to look for other options."

I'm really hoping it won't come to that. There are smaller universities in the area that don't look at the results of the Center Test for student admittance, but after Mutou's countless lectures about aiming high, I would be very reluctant to to apply there. Assuming I won't feel too guilty to approach him, Mutou would be a good person to discuss alternative options with in case I flunk the tests this weekend.

"Let's not think about that yet. You'll let us know once the results are in, won't you?"

"Of course."

"I'll soon be heading over to the shrine a few blocks away to get some good luck charms for you and pray for good luck. The rest is up to you, Hicchan."

"Thanks Mom."

"Well, good luck today."

"Ah, Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Could you... Get some good luck charms for Hanako too? And pray for her good fortune? She's going to need it just as badly as I do."

"I will. How has she been doing?"

"Alright... I think."

"Good luck to both of you today."

"Thanks, Mom."

Having finished my morning diet of medication, I take a quick shower and go down to the kitchen to have breakfast, taking one of my study books with me to do some last-minute cramming while I'm eating. There's been an initiative from the junior students over the last few weeks to prepare meals for the seniors so that we had more time to study. It's one more example of the close community that this school is, and I for one am really thankful for it. After finishing breakfast, I pack up my things and head for the girls' dorm.

The girls' dorm's common room is really crowded right now. I see several 3rd years sitting at the tables, eating breakfast with one hand while leafing through a book with the other. I recognize Natsume and Naomi at one table, both studying intensely and catch Naomi letting out a pronounced yawn. She sure looks like she's seen better days though she'd probably say the same of me if she heard me say this. I also see Misaki from my class swapping notes with another girl whose name I can't remember. In one of the corners of the room sits Shizune, her back partially turned to the rest, calmly flipping through the pages of one of her books. Two girls whom I remember being in Lilly's class head towards the exit, and I quickly step aside to let them pass. The common room's probably way too crowded for Hanako to be here, so I head for her room, hoping she hasn't already left. As I enter the hallway leading to Hanako's and Lilly's room, I notice Lilly standing there talking to one of the teachers. I approach them and give the teacher a polite bow.

"Good morning, Lilly. Good morning, Miss Miyagi."

"Oh, hello Hisao. How are you? Are you feeling up for today?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Lilly. I'll be happy when this day is over, but I haven't counted myself out yet."

Our English teacher raises an eyebrow at my optimistic description of my own condition, but thankfully doesn't say anything. I've already decided that I'm not going to let Lilly (or Hanako) in on what happened in my room last night. The last thing I want is for one of them to have a flashback to what happened with Mister Satou. It's funny, but I think I'm starting to understand how he must have felt; slowly feeling your limits approaching, but also realizing that the stakes are currently too high to quit or slow down. You don't hold back and save your strength in sight of the finish line. You go all out.

Lilly smiles.

"Miss Miyagi has been going around this morning giving pep talks to the girls who are about to participate in the test. Maybe she can give you one as well."

Lilly's homeroom teacher gives me a look-over.

"You're Mutou's star pupil. You'd better make it through this weekend, or you're going to break his heart."

"That's not the most uplifting pep talk I've ever had."

"What tests are you taking today?"

"Ethics, Japanese History, Japanese Literature and English. History's going to be a bit rough, but it's the last one I'm most worried about."

"Just focus on one subject at a time without worrying about the rest and try not to spend too much time on one question. Since all your most important subjects won't be tested until tomorrow, just try to do the best you can and save your strength for the subjects that give you the most points, namely literature and English. There'll be an English listening test at the very end, but the written test is the one you should try to do as best as you can in since it carries a lot more weight."

"I'll do my best. How about your star pupil?"

Miss Miyagi gives Lilly a confident nod.

"I think I can safely stake my job on her acing the English test today. Many students have been dreading the listening part of the test ever since it was introduced two years ago, but someone who was both raised bilingually and is used to paying close attention to audio cues should have no problem achieving a perfect or near-perfect score there."

Lilly smiles humbly.

"I'll do my best to live up to your expectations. English will be the easy part today. I'll still have Contempory Social Studies, World History and Japanese Literature to deal with first. And there's... tomorrow."

"You've been studying pretty hard over the course of the last two months. It should be sufficient. Just concentrate on doing well on the subjects that carry the largest amount of weight for your university application."

"I'll do my best."

"Why are there teachers in the dorms, by the way? I noticed Mister Hoshino walking around the guys' dorm this morning as well."

"We're essentially doing a head count. Making sure there are no students who are set to take the tests today who accidentally oversleep."

"The school really seems to be going out of its way to help its students make it through examination hell."

"In the end the actual studying is still in your hands, but yes, we do try to accommodate you as much as we can. That's also why you're allowed to take the tests here on the school grounds instead of having to travel to the nearest university to take part in the examinations. Normally, only the larger high schools would be granted this privilege. You can thank us for our efforts on your behalf by doing well on your test this weekend."

"Have you already seen Hanako this morning? I came here looking for her."

"Not yet. I was about to go and check on her."

Lilly takes this moment to speak up.

"I believe I have heard her early this morning. She probably went to get some breakfast, though she's been eating in her room - as usual lately."

I must admit I'm still a bit worried about her. From what Lilly has told me Hanako only leaves her room these days to attend the supplementary lessons the school made her take. She eats and studies in her room with the door locked. At least, I hope she's been able to study."
Lilly's homeroom teacher walks up to the door leading to Hanako's room and gives a few gentle raps on it.

"Ikezawa? This is Miyagi."

There's no immediate response, but just as the teacher raises her hand to knock again, the door opens just a bit, and I can see Hanako peering at us from inside the room.

"Ikezawa, it's about time for everyone to head for the gymnasium. Are you ready to go?"

Hanako opens the door further and gives a nervous nod. She takes her bag and then walks out, closing the door behind her.

"Hey Hanako."

"Good morning, Hanako. Let's both do our best today."

"H-Hey."

"Good morning, Ikezawa. What subjects will you be taking today?"

"Umm...P-Politics and Economy, J-Japanese History, Japanese Literature and ah... English."

"And you have studied hard for them, haven't you?"

A silent nod.

"All the teachers here know that your mock exam results weren't an accurate representation of what you're really capable of, so please do your best to prove us right today."

"I'll t-try."

"What study are you aiming for?"

"J-Journalism and Media."

"Then those first two tests will probably be critical. Do your best."

"Y-Yes."

"The three of you should go now. My colleagues have probably unlocked the gym already. Also..."
04
"TEACHER!"

We turn around, and I notice one of the girls from our class running up to us.

"We're not supposed to be running in the hallways, Komaki."

"Sorry, but... in the common room... Inoue."
05
We hear our teacher softly curse under her breath, causing Lilly to cringe, before she takes off and runs down the hallway with Hanako following close behind her.

"This doesn't sound good."

We make our way down the stairs to the common room as fast as Lilly's navigation skill allows us, but by the time we arrive it's already so crowded in there that I can see neither Hanako nor the teacher. Even though I can't see Miss Miyagi in the crowd, I can certain hear her.

"Damnit, can you give us some room already?"

"Suzuki, hand me that pillow over there please!"

"Miura, go and get a nurse to help out. Wait, get two of them! Tell them to bring a stretcher too!"

"Get the chairs away from here. Put them in the hallway!"

"Look, this isn't working. No more spectators! Everyone who's taking the test, go to the gymnasium at once. Everybody else, go to your room! Come on! Today, please!"

At this point, the crowd starts to disperse, and as the common room starts emptying I finally start taking in the scene before me.

Naomi's lying on the floor of the common room, her limbs thrashing about as if she's being electrocuted. One of the tables and several chairs are scattered about. Miss Miyagi is kneeling by Naomi's side, holding a pillow under her head and trying to prevent her from hurting herself. I've seen Naomi have fits before, but the sight of them still never fails to make me feel freaked out.

Now that the bystanders are all gone, the only people in the room besides Naomi and Miyagi are Lilly, Hanako, Natsume and myself. Hanako and Natsume are both holding their hand in front of their mouth to partially mask their expression, but the look in their eyes is all too telling.

They both look crushed. I think they both realize the implication of this event. We all do.

"I really don't think the four of you should still be hanging around here. The nursing staff will probably be here any second now, and they'll take over from me. There's nothing you can do for Inoue right now."

Natsume nods sullenly, and when she speaks up her voice sounds like it's about to break.

"M-Maybe not right now, but... I think that... someone should stay by her side. When she wakes up and she... she realizes what happened..."

"I hope you're not talking about yourself. I could give Takawa a call. She can probably handle it."

"Natsume?"

We turn around and see a frail-looking girl standing in the doorway whom I recognize as Hanako's and Naomi's friend from the writing club.

"Jun!"

"I... ah... probably won't do as good a job at this as you would, but I'll stay here with Naomi. You and Hanako should get going and pass your tests."

Natsume and Hanako exchange a short glance and then simultanously nod their head.

"Thank you Jun. That's really kind of you. We'll leave Naomi in your care then."

With that issue taken care of we quickly leave the dorm building and head towards the gymnasium. As we pass the main school building, Natsume lets out a depressed sigh.

"She was so looking forward to graduation too. I really wonder how she's going to take this. Even though she's been a little careless lately, she didn't deserve having the rug pulled out from under her in a way like this."

Lilly's ears perk up.

"I'm sorry, but... did you say she was careless? This didn't come completely by surprise?"

Natsume thinks for a moment and then shrugs as if to say 'why not?'

"Naomi can't really do much to prevent her episodes completely, but whether they occur occasionally or all the time depends a little bit on her lifestyle, which hasn't been very healthy lately."

"Are you saying that she overstepped her own boundaries?"

"Stress and sleep deprivation are things that make her more vulnerable to seizures. Her episodes have been increasing in frequency lately, and over the last week she was down to one every 48 hours or so. I was really afraid that she was going to damage her brain if she kept going like this. She was caught up in this downward spiral that only seemed to get worse."

"What do you mean?"

"The more seizures she went through, the more stressed she became, and the more time she spent cramming in an attempt to make up for all the time all those fits were costing her."

"What a horrible situation to be in."

"I was really hoping she'd be able to hold out until the end of the weekend. She kept telling me that she'd take it easier for a bit after tomorrow."

Ugh.

"Please give her my regards when you speak to her."

"Thanks, Satou."

"H-Hisao, are you... alright? You look a bit pale."

"I'm okay, Hanako. Just a little upset about what just happened and more than a little nervous about the tests today. I'll be fine. As long as I can struggle my way through history and English, that is."

When we reach the entrance to the gym, we can see that a lot of people have already gathered there. I even see Yuuko hanging around near the entrance. Is she taking the Center Test too? Several groups of students, especially the females, are speaking to each other in hushed tones. It's not difficult to guess the subject of their current conversation. Rather than join one of the groups, Natsume secludes herself some distance away from the rest. She's probably not fond of the idea of people approaching her about Naomi right now. Before we can decide on whether to join her or not, I see Hanako pointing something out, and a moment later I see Lilly's homeroom teacher approaching.

As she reaches the place where we're gathered and several female students walk up to her, Miss Miyagi loudly claps her hands a few times in order to get everyone's attention.

"Alright, listen up everyone! We're all a little shaken by what happened to Inoue this morning, but the situation is under control, the nurses are looking after her, and we'll be talking to the National Center of University Entrance Examinations to work out a solution to this later today! So put this issue to rest and focus on your exams! I'll be acting as one of the proctors throughout the day, and if you're in my class and need my assistence with anything sight-related, but not question related, just silently raise your hand and I'll be right with you. There's a representative of the National Center keeping an eye on things as well today, so there's not a lot of room for leniency. Good luck everyone and go and give this your all!"

Almost as an indicator that she's finished, Miyagi pulls out a cigarette and lights it. The first students start pouring into the gym and Lilly, having smelt the smoke, approaches her mentor with a slightly uncomfortable expression and gets a sigh and semi-guilty look in return.

"Borrowed these from the dormkeeper's office just before I left. I really felt I needed one. And to think I was going to give up smoking for real this year."

Natsume approaches Miyagi with a wary expression.

"Teacher, what solution could possibly be worked out? Regulations on tardiness and absence are extremely strict for this test and there's no chance for retakes. Are there loopholes we don't know about?"

Miyagi gives a tired sigh while dropping her cigarette on the floor and putting it out with her heel.

"What else was I supposed to say? I don't want this lingering in the back of everybody's head all day long."

Both Natsume's and Hanako's face drops upon hearing this news. Miyagi looks a little bit uncertain, but then puts one hand on each of the girls shoulders and gives them both a tiny squeeze.
06
"You two need to shape up! It's more important than ever that the two of you do well today. Seeing that you are both good friends of hers, how do you think Inoue will feel if this little incident ends up costing both of you your chance to make it into your university of choice?"

That strategy has an extremely familiar ring to it. It's the same approach Miss Takawa used on Lilly and me. I wonder if this kind of guilt-tripping is the standard approach among school staff. Nevertheless, I can tell that Miyagi's words get through to Natsume and Hanako.

"Inoue is going to feel really bad about this, but if I know her a little bit I don't think it's going to keep her down for long. She'll be set on throwing you two a celebration party in the upcoming spring, so make sure not to deny her that opportunity."

With that, Miss Miyagi enters the gym. Natsume and Hanako exchange a confused look, but then I see something dawn on their faces. Suddenly, Natsume sticks out her hand at Hanako.

"I think Miss Miyagi's right. Naomi will probably be cheering on us, so let's not let her down. Let's do this, Hanako!"

Hanako gives the most determined nod I've seen for months and puts her hand on top of Natsume's as if to reinforce this pact.

"Let's k-keep this burden off Naomi's shoulders, Natsume. Let's make her p-proud of us."

"Right!"

"Right."

The two give a defiant nod and then follow the rest of the students into the gymnasium. I turn to Lilly who now has an admiring smile on her face.

"Hanako was looking really determined just now. It pains me to say this, but maybe this was just what she needed."

I've seen this kind of look on Hanako's face before. It's that look of intense concentration she sometimes puts on during a game she's determined to win. And she often wins when that happens. I really believe she's going to give it everything she has today.

"We can't do any less, Hisao. Let's do our best today as well."

And with that, we walk into the gym ourselves and take our place in our designated spots. When the proctor gives the signal to begin, the only thing on my mind is getting a good score today.

But nevertheless, during the break between the Japanese History exam and Japanese Literature test, my thoughts briefly return to the sight of Naomi convulsing on the floor of the common room. I didn't tell Hanako and Lilly, but what happened to Naomi hit really close to home for me this morning.

It could have been me.

Naomi's situation sounded eerily similar to my own. It probably was.

It could have been me.

I could have had an episode less than 12 hours later, and I would have lost an entire year. In just a single moment, all the studying I've done over the last few months would have been rendered meaningless. I make a sincere vow not to let this happen to me.

Tomorrow is primarily science and math. I'm pretty good at both of them. I've been studying on them for weeks.

Maybe I really should be going to bed early tonight.
07

Chapter 49
01
"Come on in."

As the person behind the door responds to my knocking, I reluctantly open the door and walk into the office. I'd rather not be here, but as things are I think I'm going to need the peace of mind in order to study better.

"Good to see you, Hisao. Please take a seat."

The nurse makes a welcoming gesture towards one of the chairs and then goes back to typing on his computer.

"Just have to finish this report. I won't be long."

"Perhaps I can come back some other time?"

It's not like I have a lot of free time right now.

"Actually I've wanted to see you for some time now, so I'd appreciate it if we could get it out of the way now that you're here."

"Oh?"

"Earlier this school year, we'd see each other on a daily basis, and I thought that was a good habit. It allowed me to keep a close eye on the state of your condition and keep you in optimal shape. I haven't really seen you for over two months and I'm quite curious about how you're doing."

I'm kind of put off by the flat business-like tone in his voice. He usually only adopts that tone whenever he's upset about something. The occasion just now was pretty much perfect for a remark like 'I've missed you and our daily intimacies' or something else embarrassing, but for some reason he doesn't seem in the mood for stupid jokes. And whenever he's not in the mood for stupid jokes, I automatically get kind of worried.

"Well, I guess I'm doing okay, though also very busy studying for my entrance exams. I didn't do all that well on the mock exams, but I studied hard to make up for that and I managed to get a sufficient score on the National Center Test to be allowed to take part in the entrance examinations for the university I applied to."

"Well, that's a relief."

"Lilly and Hanako also made it through the Center Test. I'm especially relieved about Hanako, because her mock exam results were really bad. It's a shame that one of Hanako's best friends flunked. Or actually rather than flunk she didn't even make it to the test. She really had rotten luck."

"Oh yes, I know all about Inoue."

He sounds a bit annoyed.

"Excuse me?"

He shakes his head as if dismissing the matter.

"Never mind. So now you're preparing for the university-specific exam?"

"Yes. It's pretty stressful. I mean, it's largely focussed on science, which I'm not too bad at, but I'll be competing with nothing but people who are good at science."

"Yes, I remember my own examination period. Very hectic time. And at least I had the luxury of only having to be concerned about getting into my university of choice."

He finishes his report with a dramatic keystroke and then turns to me.

"I didn't have to worry about endangering my health."

"As you can see, I'm still here."

"So I see."

He opens one of his drawers and takes out a stethoscope.

"It's been a while since you've been here, but I'm sure you still remember where we go from here."

I nod and remove my shirt. I shiver a bit as the cold metal of the chest piece is pressed against my body. The nurse listens intently for several seconds, then moves the piece slightly upwards and repeats the process. After going through this procedure several more times, he puts the stethoscope away and gestures that I can put my shirt back on.

"So... did it still sound okay?"

"I'm afraid it didn't. I could hear an irregularity in your heart rhythm. But you probably knew this yourself already, and that's why you came here. Am I right?"

"Yeah, that's kind of the case."

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

"I actually had a rather nasty heart flutter on the night before the Center Test. I was busy cramming, a hallmate came to borrow some notes, he knocked on my door rather loudly, I got startled, and then my heartbeat suddenly went completely out of control. It passed eventually, but it was pretty scary. It's been such a long time that I actually forgot how frightening that kind of thing is."

The nurse groans.

"The Center Test was on January the 19th. That was nearly a week ago, and you didn't think it was important to tell us until now?"

"I had exams that weekend and I went to bed rather early the night afterwards. After hearing that I passed the exams, I figured I'd take it slightly easier for a few days and things would be okay, but..."

The truth was probably that I also didn't want a lecture about how I had to slow down. I already know the problem without someone having to rub it in for good measure.

"The same thing happened again today?"

"Not yet. I actually figured I got away with it. But the memory keeps buzzing around in my head, even though it's been days. I'm starting to lose sleep over it. I was hoping you could give me some peace of mind."

The nurse gives me a very stern glare.

"Well, I'm afraid I can't. Something definitely sounded off just now. You're walking an extremely fine line here, Hisao."

"I know that."

"How much sleep are you getting on a daily basis?"

"Between five and six hours a day. I realize it's not much, but a lot of other students I've spoken to have similar schedules."

"Are you still eating enough and is the food healthy?"

"Yes. The juniors and the students who failed the Center Test are preparing the meals and doing the shopping for the 3rd years who are still in the running. It's a pretty convenient initiative on the school's behalf."

"How much physical exercise do you still partake in?"

"Emi has probably told you already."

"I know that you haven't visited the track in quite some time. Any other physical activity at all?"

I think I get what he was referring to. Under other circumstances, that question would probably have been accompanied by a knowing wink, and he would have snickered at my embarassment. It's a good thing his tone is so neutral this time around, because I feel the answer kicking me in the teeth while it's leaving my mouth.

"...none whatsoever."

Ever since Hanako lapsed into a depression following the incident in that lecture hall, our sex life has pretty much been dead in the water. During the last time we did it, it became clear that she wasn't able to get into it or even enjoy it, so we basically ended up putting that part of our relationship on hold until Hanako is able to pick herself up again, whenever that is. The sudden bout of abstinence initially left me feeling inadequate, and it used to feel immensely frustrating, but at this point in time I feel that maybe it's a good thing. That's because I'm having sincere doubts right now about my ability to get into bed with her and not have my heart act up. At least now I won't have the need to make excuses to Hanako.

"Sleep deprivation, stress and no physical exercise make a pretty toxic combination for a person with your condition, Hisao. I hope you can bring yourself to admit at least this much."

I know all about that. It's the same poisonous cocktail that caused Lilly's father to nearly end up visiting his ancestors.

"I know."

Kenji's defense about how he didn't knock louder than usual left me thinking. He should have restrained himself more, but the experience that night left me forced to admit that I've been allowing my condition to slowly but steadily start deteriorating, kind of like how Hanako's mood started regressing slowly but steadily after that traumatic incident last year. For the first time in months, I've started considering my own mortality again.

"I could draw you up a training schedule and a study planning that involves a responsible amount of sleep and a modest amount of physical activity, but I'm only going to do that if I know you're actually going to adhere to it."

"I'd have to see the schedule before I can decide that."

"The last person I made such a planning for ended up ignoring it altogether, and my hunch is that you'd find it too strict as well."

I wonder if that person was Naomi. That would explain the annoyed tone in his voice when I brought her up.

"Maybe. It's just... I really don't want to flunk my exam and find out that I could have passed it if I had spent just a little bit more time studying."

"I hear that one all the time. But it's going to be tricky doing something about your problem if you're going to just disregard whatever advice I have for you."

"I was wondering... could you perhaps prescribe some additional medication? Like the medication I was on shortly after my last release from the hospital? I reacted pretty well to that and don't recall any major side effects."

"Is that why you came here? Drugs are no substitute for healthy living habits, Hisao. If they were, I wouldn't have been pushing so hard for you to get yourself in proper shape."

"It's only for a few more weeks. I feel I'm really close. I can't afford to trip up just before the finish line."

The nurse nods at my words, but I can tell from his expression that he's not convinced, so I continue.

"Look, it's really important for me to get into this university. Lilly and Hanako are going there too. I don't want to fall behind them. If I fail now, not only will everything have been for nothing, but I'll be forced to go through this again next year. Not at Yamaku with its full-time nursing staff, but probably at some random cram school that won't even know how to deal with my condition. That's going to be even more risky. If I'm going to push myself, this school would still be the safest place to do it. I've already made it through the Center Test. I just need a few more weeks to finish this."

The nurse rolls his eyes.

"It sounds like you've been rehearsing this little speech."

A little bit. I suspected I was going to need it.

"I'm only trying to put into practice what the school has been encouraging us to do."

"What the teaching staff have been encouraging you to do. And even they wouldn't go around encouraging you to kill yourself or do anything else that might make you miss your exams."

He lets out an exasperated sigh before proceeding.

"To tell you the truth, entrance examination season is my least favorite time of the year. Of course the teachers' arguments are perfectly valid, and it makes sense for all the students attending here to go for the best academic credentials they can get, but the stress of examination hell can cause some real trouble at a school like this, and sometimes I feel that the teachers are a bit too eager to lean on the medical staff for damage control."

"I guess I'm not the only student who's having a bit of a struggle with his health right now then."

"Sleep deprivation, stress and high blood pressure are bad for anybody's health, but some people take it worse than others. Heart patients, epileptics, diabetics - just to name a few. This is always a hectic time for the nurses here."

"So situations like the one with Naomi are not uncommon around here at this time of year?"

"We've had years where nobody was forced to drop out prematurely, and we've had years where worse happened."

"Worse? Nobody died, I hope."

"Fortunately not. But a few years ago, before I was employed here, we had a student with epilepsy here, like Inoue. He made it through the Center Test just fine, but things went wrong when he went to take his university-specific entrance exam. Back then, our students still went to take their entrance exams at the university they applied at, just like everyone else."

"He had a seizure during the exam itself?"

"Yes. Now imagine a hall packed with students who have probably been cramming non-stop for months and are wound extremely tight due to crushing pressure from their family to succeed that day. Can you imagine the results when all of a sudden a person in that hall falls off his chair and appears to be dying with no medical professional nearby to quickly jump in?"

"I can imagine getting spooked like that could cause a blackout or at least a negative effect on one's performance. Were there a lot of failures that year?"

"Certainly a lot more than usual. Yamaku received quite a few complaints from angry parents that year. From that point on we got around that problem by making arrangements with the universities our students applied for so our 3rd years can take their entrance exams here under the supervision of a representative from the National Center of University Entrance Examinations who comes over for the occasion. That way, we can have our nursing staff on stand-by and they can take immediate action if a similar incident were to happen again."

"That's a pretty nice arrangement."

"Of course, our own students would still be impacted if a student were to have a seizure or a heart attack in their presence in the middle of an exam. That's probably a good thing to keep in mind, Hisao. Being reckless may not just put yourself at risk, but could also cause trouble for others."

I didn't really think of that, but it doesn't change the way I feel.

"Would it be selfish of me to say that I'd still like to take the risk?"

"Probably. But it's not like I can stop you from taking it."

He gives a resigned sigh, takes a note from his desk and starts writing a short list of medication on it. He then holds it out to me, but when I take it he doesn't let go of it.

"I'd like you to get one hour of sleep a day more than you've had over the last few weeks. That's not a request, that's a condition."

"Okay."

"If you feel anything out of the ordinary - anything at all - come back here and let me know about it. Not the week afterwards or even the day afterwards, but as soon as humanly possible!"

"I will."

He finally lets go of the note, and I quickly put it in my pocket before he can change his mind after all.

"Good luck with your cramming sessions, and try not to do anything that'll cause my head to end up on the principal's chopping block."

"Thanks."

I get up and walk out of the office, but before I can close the door, he scrapes his throat to get my attention one more time.

"Hisao?"

"Yes?"

"I'm still going to draw up a training schedule and a dietary plan. I want you back in adequate shape before this year's graduation ceremony, so prepare yourself for workout hell the day after your entrance exams are finished."

"I'll be looking forward to it. Go ahead and tell the workout imp to go and sharpen her pitchfork."

I close the door before he has a chance to reply, but the last thing I see is that familiar grin of his. Which honestly feels like a relief.

"Oh, hey there."
02
But when I turn around, I find out that I'm not alone in the hallway. Standing in front of me and looking me over is a familiar face.

"Naomi!"

" 'scuse me."

She nods at me and then walks past me, knocking on the nurse's door before opening it and walking in.

I wonder what she's here to see the nurse for.

Dammit, did she just hear the nurse's last comment?

I'd like to drop by at the apothecary and get back to my books as soon as possible, but the fact that Naomi just saw me leaving the nurse's office troubles me a bit, so I decide to wait for her and make sure she's not going to pass this event on to Hanako. The last thing I want is for her to get worried over me.

Surprisingly, Naomi comes walking out of the office less than five minutes after entering. Whatever she wanted to talk about probably didn't take long. As she closes the door, I notice a note in her hand not completely unlike mine.

"Hey there."

"Oh, didn't think you'd still be around. Hey there."

I shoot a brief look at the door of the nurse's office.

"That didn't take very long."

Naomi rolls her eyes.

"He used to make small talk, but I don't think he likes me very much anymore at this point."

"You got on his bad side?"

Naomi lets out a weary sigh.

"My parents were pretty pissed when I missed my exams that day and made an angry phone call to the principal, who in turn went to chew out the nurse, but he said he gave me a daily planning I didn't bother to follow, so now both my parents and the nurse are mad at me. And all I did was try and prepare myself well for my exams so they'd be proud of me. So much for appreciation of my efforts, huh?"

"I'm really sorry to hear that."

"It's so easy for everyone to say I've been too rash. But if you were running in a race on the track or something and you tripped and fell on your face, would you take it easy or would you double your efforts so you could catch up with the rest? That stupid schedule required me to sleep for a total of eight to nine hours a day. How on earth can I compete with people who have so much more time to study than I can?"

"I think I know how you feel. I hope your parents weren't too upset."

"We'll be okay. They just need a little bit of time to let it sink in. Deep down they know I didn't fail my test on purpose or anything."

I point at the note in her hand.

"Looks like we're both headed for the same place."

"Yeah, I guess I'll come along."

We start walking down the hallway, and I take another look at Naomi. She's probably still bummed about missing the Center Test, but she looks to be in better shape now than the last time I saw her.

"Have you already decided what you're going to do now?"

"Welllll... I'd like to give it another try next year. I mean... If I'm destined to crash and burn, I'd at least like to properly fail my tests instead of missing them altogether."

"Do you think your parents are going to go along with that?"

"I think so. I remember they were really proud when Hanako, Jun and I won a prize in that writing contest. I think they'll support me in the end. At least for one more year. I'd better not press my luck after that. It's not like university preparation cram school is cheap."

"So you're probably going back home after graduation, right?"

"Yeah, I think I'm going to move back in with my parents for a year and attend cram school in my hometown. I'm gonna miss the freedom of the dorms here, but it's not like I have anywhere else to go."

"Cram school, huh?"

"Yeah, at least for part of the year. But until the graduation ceremony, I'll be sticking around here and help out wherever I can. Both at the newspaper club and at the dorms."

"You're helping the juniors taking care of the 3rd years who are still studying?"

"Yeah, the usual stuff like cooking meals and doing shopping. I try to give Natsume some extra priority. She can use all the help she can get?"

"She's struggling?"

"She's applied for a university that has a pretty tough entrance exam. She's clever enough to make it in, but the stress is causing her arthritis to act up and that's making it harder for her to study. I dropped by the nurse today to get her some additional medication."

"So... Natsume too?"

"Yeah. I think my episode last month only worsened the pressure on the rest. Like... It showed everyone that many of us can still fail through no real fault of our own. That the deck is still stacked against us. It's kind of depressing. Maybe that's why the nurse was looking so glum. I bet his people are really busy right now."

"On the other hand, it's pretty clear this entire school is doing its best to reshuffle the stacked deck. They're making arrangements with universities so we can take our tests here on campus with the nurses close by. Junior classmen are taking daily chores off our hands. It's motivating to see that this entire school is working so hard as a community to get its 3rd years to succeed."

"Hey, that's true. It does make me feel kinda sorry that we won't be there to support them when it's their turn."

"There'll be others looking out for them."

"Yeah..."

As we get to the doorway leading to the apothecary, Naomi takes a look at the note I'm holding.

"I bet that unlike mine, that note you're holding isn't for someone else."

"I convinced the nurse to raise the dosage of my medication a bit. I'm hoping it's gonna be enough to carry me through the upcoming weeks."

"Figured as much. I considered something similar myself back in January, but I've been on the same meds for close to three years, and there's a lot of stuff I don't react well to, so there was no time to experiment. Might be an option for the upcoming year though."

"By the way, I was hoping you could be so kind as not to mention to Hanako that I was here. I don't want to worry her."

Naomi makes a face.

"And here I was thinking you were waiting for me because you desired my exciting company."

"Promise?"

"Well, okay. Fine with me."

We give our notes to the nurse on duty at the apothecary, and after a few minutes, we're handed our fresh batch of medication. As we leave the nurse's building, Naomi turns to me.

"Have you talked to Hanako recently?"

"I'm afraid I haven't. Do you have any idea how she's doing?"

"Huh?"

"What is it?"

"She's your girlfriend and you don't know how she's doing? You two don't have relationship problems, do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous. We don't have a very active dating life right now, but there's a good reason for that."

Truth be told, I do feel like we've been growing apart a little bit lately. Hanako started secluding herself after the mock exams and lately, I've been doing exactly the same. Still, I'm convinced it's nothing we won't be able to patch up after graduation when we'll finally be able to take it easy and relax.

"Yeah, I get that you guys are all busy with studying, and it's really important, but I remember that the three of you used to study together all the time. It'd be a good opportunity to spend some time with one another and still get some studying done, right? Why not continue that?"

"We did that until the mock exams, but afterwards the school started dumping all those supplementary lessons on Hanako, and she was usually too tired to do a lot of studying with us afterwards. I didn't feel comfortable just studying with Lilly all day long, so we all ended up studying on our own."

"But those supplementary courses ended after the Center Test, didn't they?"

"Yeah, but... uh... since we're all studying for an entrance exam in a completely different subject, studying together wouldn't really add much anymore."

"Hmmmm."

Naomi gives me an investigative look that tells me she's clearly not buying it, but I don't really feel like discussing the real reason with her right now, despite the fact that she can probably guess what it is based on her own experiences.

After what happened just before the Center Test, I simply don't fully trust my body anymore. If I had an unexpected heart flutter in front of Hanako or Lilly, it'd be extremely likely that they'd lose what little sleep they're still getting worrying over me. I don't want to be responsible for putting even more stress on them than they're already under. I'll have time to hang out with them after the exams - after I've gotten back into shape a little bit.

"Of course I'm a little worried about Hanako, but I'm not sure if there'd be much I could do to help her at this point. I'm kind of walking on thin ice as it is and worrying too much about her would be bad for me too. So I'm concentrating on my own exam as much as possible, and I'm trying to maintain faith that she'll do the same. She did really badly on the mock exams, but she surprised everyone when she made it through the Center Test with adequate grades all around. I think she can pass her entrance exams too if she really wants to."

"Entrance exams? As in more than one?"

"Hanako filed an application for an additional university that holds its entrance exams on a different day. I'm still not sure whether she did this simply to appease Mutou or because she's trying to keep as many options open as she can, but the gist of it is that she'll be participating in two entrance exams, rather than just one."

"Whoa! How does she do it?"

"Well, they're two exams about exactly the same subject, so it's not like she'll need to study twice as much material. But we're getting kind of off-topic. You still haven't answered my question."

"I went to see Hanako after the answers to the Center Test were posted. I mean, failing sucks, but it would have been worse if I had also dragged Natsume and Hanako down with me. When I heard that they both made it through, it felt like part of me passed anyway. I looked Hanako up that evening and told her that. She was... like... beaming when I told her how relieved I was. But..."

"Yes?"

"Just when I was heading out the door, that smile of hers turned sad again. I made me uneasy. I don't think we're out of the woods yet. I haven't seen her a single time over the last two days. I always leave her meals at the door. I can't help but feel like she's starting to seclude herself again. Maybe she's just busy. I hope this is not a sign of a relapse coming up."

It's obvious that Naomi is worried about her friend. I'm getting a little worried myself by listening to her. Is Hanako still okay? How is she doing? Is she studying diligently, or is she just sitting in her room all day long? If she's keeping her door locked, is she going to open up for me? Or would my presence merely make things awkward? I remember Miss Takawa's words that Hanako's mood might drop as we get closer to graduation day. And what's Lilly doing? Wouldn't she step in if she suspected that Hanako was struggling? No, that's not fair to Lilly. She has her own exams to worry about too.

I think I have an idea to cheer up Hanako a bit. I hope it works.

"Naomi?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you happen to have a pen and paper on you?"

"Of course! I'm a journalist, so I always carry a pen and blocknote."

"Could I use them for a moment?"

"Uh...sure."

Naomi opens her handbag and takes the pen and blocknote out of it. I take them from her and start scribbling a little note.

Hey Hanako,

Sorry for not having been around lately. I hope you're doing well. Things are pretty hectic for me right now, but I'm still managing. Whenever I'm not thinking about aerodynamics, electric circuits or quantum mechanics, I'm thinking of all the fun times I'm intending to have together with you after we've graduated together. It really keeps me going.

Let's both hang in there,

Hisao.

After finishing it, I neatly fold it up and hand it to Naomi.

"Could you deliver this to Hanako?"

"Well, she's probably not going to let me in even if I knock, but I could slide it under the door."

"Actually, I'd like you to include it with her meal. Maybe wrap it around her chopsticks?"

"Awww, that's a really cute gesture. Yeah, I'll do that. No problem."

"Could you also... like... try to avoid reading it?"

"You're no fun at all."

I say my goodbye to Naomi and quickly head for the boys' dorm...

...though not quickly enough to prevent Naomi's 'D'awwwwwww' from catching up with me.
03

Chapter 50
01
One more day.

That thought keeps returning to me as I look around the nearly-empty space of my dorm room. Tomorrow is the day we'll be graduating - the day we'll be leaving the school that I've come to call a second home. Over the last few days, the results of various entrance examinations have been slowly coming in. There's a notice board in front of the main school building that's being used to display the results for everyone to see. I've been paying the notice board a visit every day since the school started posting results.

Not so much for my own results, since those weren't set to come in until tomorrow, but simply to see which of my classmates managed to pass. Two days ago, I learned that Natsume made it through. That's probably a big load off Naomi's mind. Yesterday, I found out that Shizune succesfully passed her entrance exam. I can't say I'm surprised about that, given her fiercely driven nature.

Tomorrow, the uncertainty will end. The fact that graduation ceremony is also tomorrow means that the diploma I'll be getting will either be the cherry on top of the cake or a consolation prize that'll do little to take away the utter disappointment I'll be feeling.

I remember how apprehensive I felt about coming to live here at Yamaku. How trapped I felt here. Yet now, nearly ten months after I first came to this school, I've grown so comfortable here that the day of departure kind of crept up on me. I tried not to think too much about it.

About a week ago, I started making a list of people I thought I should say goodbye to before I leave Yamaku tomorrow. The first rule I laid out for myself was that I would not try to write them down in any kind of special order, like least important to most important.

Somehow it ended up like that anyway, though it also ended up being slightly longer than I expected it to be. As I skim it over, my thoughts again go out to all the people I've met here and who became part of my life.

Yuuko... Being an avid reader and Hanako's boyfriend on top of that meant I probably had more interaction with her than most students. I remember her telling me that she was working those jobs at Yamaku and at the Shanghai for the purpose of financing her studies. It made me appreciate the fact that my parents have shown willingness to pay for my studies - as long as I make it into university and not spend years at cram schools attempting retakes. The last time I spoke to Yuuko she mentioned that our efforts at passing our tests had motivated her to do well on her own entrance exams. I wonder if she'll decide to go through with things this year or if we'll have a reunion here in 10 years or so and still find the same Yuuko bumbling her way through the library. I really hope not. She's a pretty nice person beneath that neurotic exterior, and she's shown so much enthusiasm towards her chosen subject that it'd be downright cruel if she never got to study it in university.

The head nurse... After taking the entrance exams, I made good on my promise to him by resuming my morning runs, and he made good on his promise to me by supplying me with a training and diet plan. It was a lot harsher than I expected. Although he denies it, I think this was his revenge against me for not mentioning my heart problems to him sooner during examination hell. Still, despite his tendency to crack stupid jokes, he's been a very reliable source of support over the year, and in the end I'm thankful that he's always been so serious about keeping me healthy.

Mutou... I remember when I met Lilly, she said that my homeroom teacher was quite a character, but that I'd probably come to like him. She turned out to be pretty much spot on. I never imagined Mutou to become an inspirational figure to me when I first met him, yet that's exactly what eventually ended up happening, and I think that my plans for the future about studying to teach science one day are for a large part due to his influence. Seeing that a lot of students seem to think his lectures are incomprehensible, I'll probably have to aim higher than his standard as far as teaching the subject is concerned, but when it comes to being a highly regarded homeroom teacher, I think the example of my mentor will definitely end up sticking in my mind. I hope to return here for a reunion one day with a teaching degree to show him.

Nobuyuki, Eiji, Wataru, Takahiro, Okahito and Naozumi... The science club - our science club - ended up having a total of eight members, myself and Kenji included. Eiji, Naozumi, Okahito and Takahiro initially joined up because they were getting low grades in science class. They admitted that much to me privately. But they stuck around because they enjoyed the activities. Even though Mutou and Lilly were the ones who brought up the idea of teaching as a career, the junior club members I helped with their homework were the ones who made me realize I'd probably enjoy doing that sort of thing for a living. Being stuck in the position of club president has also made me a little less reluctant to take initiatives. I've always been more a follower than a leader, and that's unlikely to ever completely change, but I'm a little less reluctant to take charge when the situation calls for it now. In a way, they've helped me as much as I've helped them. A few days ago I transferred the title of president to Nobuyuki, who is one of the few 2nd years in the club and also the one with the biggest knack for the subject. I hope the club will continue to fare well under his guidance. He may even become Mutou's new star pupil.

Kenji... He remains a wildcard to me even today. There have been times when we were discussing stuff like the law of gravity, and he'd suddenly throw a random conspiracy theory into the conversation completely out of the blue. There have been other times when he'd approach me and just when I started bracing myself for the latest update on the machinations of the feminist movement, he'd simply ask me for my notes on one subject or another. I used to hold out hope that Kenji's membership in the science club would strengthen his link to reality in general, but it seems that Kenji's perfectly capable of appearing normal in public while still checking the roofs of the nearby buildings for snipers every time he enters his dorm room. I ended up coping with his antics by dismissing anything related to the feminist movement and simply focussing on whatever he said that did make sense.

Shizune and Misha... These two didn't exactly make the best first impression in the world. When I first came to this school there was a lot on my mind that needed to be sorted out, and Lilly's easy-going coaxing strategy worked a lot better at making me feel at home here than Shizune's aggressive recruitment tactics for the student council. It took me a little while to realize that both cousins had been trying to achieve the exact same thing with different methods. Despite having been put off by Shizune's confrontational personality at first, I ended up warming up to her and Misha rather quickly, and by the time I started dating Hanako, I considered the student council duo to be genuine friends.

While I've considered Shizune and Misha to be literally inseperable from the moment I met them, it turned out that they will still be going their separate ways after tomorrow. Through a lot of hard work and supplementary lessons, Misha's managed to do well enough to get herself a recommendation letter from the school, and she's set to transfer to a university in the United States later this year. Shizune, on the other hand, will be spending the upcoming years earning her business degree at a prestigious national university. I think they've been struggling a bit with the prospect of their roads splitting up after graduation, especially Misha. I hope they'll stay in contact with one another. Seeing how close they've been for as long as I've known them, it'd be a shame for them to completely drop out of each other's life.

Emi... I think I owe the fact that I've been in relatively good shape throughout my time at Yamaku (examination hell not withstanding) largely to Emi's efforts. My motivation to go through with my daily morning runs has had its ups and downs over the months, but Emi's been there every morning which in turn pushed me to keep going, too. The few times I've skipped practice consistently left me feeling guilty throughout the day, which is probably something Emi'd take as a huge compliment.

I also learned that Emi likes playful arguments, and I enjoyed my bantering with her, but unfortunately I never learned all that much else about her despite seeing her nearly every day. Our interactions were pleasant, usually half-joking and perfect to fill the silences between the end of practice and the checkups with the nurse, but I've realized lately that they've also always been a bit superficial. Around the time preparations for the mock exams were starting, I remember inviting Emi to come and study together with Hanako, Lilly and me, but she politely declined the offer. I guess just being running buddies with me was enough for her. At least I've made some good memories together with her, and I hope she feels the same way. According to the nurse, Emi's applied to a junior college in the nearby city with the intention of being a PE instructor. I think she'd be a good one, albeit a bit scary sometimes. Apparently the college has a track team of its own. I'm sure she'll do well.

Lilly... I think it's hard to overestimate the impact that Lilly has had on my life since I transferred here. From the moment I first came to this school, Lilly's been there looking out for me. I don't think I would have gotten into a relationship with Hanako if it hadn't been for Lilly's matchmaking efforts and emotional support. For a long time, I really looked up to her. She always seemed to be so confident, so level-headed and so in control of things. Due to certain events, I came to learn that Lilly's just as prone to screw-ups as everyone else, but despite the fact that she fell off that pedestal I put her on, I think part of me will always keep seeing her as a kind and reliable older-sister figure to turn to whenever I'm in need of advice or a listening ear.

Lilly's been directly involved in several major events in my life. Me getting a girlfriend, that big vacation in Scotland and finally the decision to study science and aim for getting a teaching degree. I wonder how things will play out between us after we all graduate. If everything goes well, Lilly, Hanako and I will all be attending the same university, but since we'll be studying at different faculties there won't be any more shared lunch breaks from now on. At least we'd be able to hang out at Lilly's place in the evening if we wanted to. It'd allow us to continue spending time together. If everything goes well, that is...

Hanako... In retrospect, things went really fast between us. During our first meeting, I managed to make her so uncomfortable that she ended up fleeing the scene in a panic. Six weeks later, we got together in the park, letting out that anguished confession that was the start of our relationship. Despite our rocky start, I've been really happy with Hanako, and from what I could tell, she's been really happy with me as well. It's been truly a sight, seeing Hanako slowly coming out of her shell, first merely in front of me but then in front of the rest of the world as well. There are plenty of wonderful memories I have from the first few months of our relationship, but the thing that stands out most among all of those is Hanako's smile. Even though she's started showing it more and more as time went on, it's never lost its charm. That sweet, child-like smile always manages to brighten my day and make me feel good no matter how often I see it.
02
I just hope I'll ever get to see it again...

Part of me probably never believed that Hanako's been secluding herself to such an extreme degree merely because she needed to study for her entrance exams. But for the sake of doing well on my own tests, I blocked Hanako from my mind to the best of my ability. Then the entrance exams came and went. Life slowly returned to normal as we started the process of waiting for the results and graduation day to come around. Students who had been cramming non-stop over the last months had a long night's rest and started resuming their daily activities from before exam season. Natsume returned to Naomi's side at the newspaper club, eager to bring out the next issue. I started my morning runs again, returned to the science club where I started my preparations of passing the presidential torch to my successor and spent the rest of my free time helping out Shizune finishing up the student council's duties in time for the swearing in of the new council. Business as usual everywhere, with one exception.

Hanako didn't come out of her room.

Ever since the entrance exams ended, I've made it a habit of dropping by at the girls' dorm twice a day. I'd knock on Hanako's door and ask if she needed anything. The answer would usually be a soft 'No, but thanks.' muttered through the door. She'd rarely open it, and the few times she did, she was always wearing her nightgown, no matter what time of day it was.

I recently asked Miss Takawa about it, and she merely said that I should continue what I was doing without trying to force anything. She told me that she's had several talks with Hanako over the last two weeks and that the dormkeeper was keeping an eye on her as well.

She had already predicted during my previous visit that Hanako would probably get worse as graduation day drew closer. This time she said that that day would bring the whole thing to an end.

What she didn't say was how she thought things were going to end.

One more day.

There isn't much I can do in my room right now. Nearly all of my possessions have already been packed, and I've already returned all of my borrowed books to the library.

I guess I should go and see Hanako. See how much progress she's made with packing her stuff.

--------------------------------------

"Hanako?"

I knock gently on the door to Hanako's room, putting my ear to the door in an attempt to better pick up a reaction, any reaction, from inside. There is none, however. That could mean two things. Either Hanako's in there and she simply doesn't feel like replying, or she's not in her room right now. I notice that the nearby bathroom door is locked, but standing around waiting for the person inside to come out might get me in trouble with the dormkeeper. I knock again, calling Hanako's name once more and prepare myself to return to the boys' dorm. I was going to offer to help her pack, but seeing that she still doesn't have a lot of possessions stored in her room, it's not unlikely she already finished up long ago.

"Hisao?"

Hearing a familiar voice, I turn around and see Lilly standing there.

"Hi Lilly. Do you know where Hanako is right now?"

"If she isn't in her room then I'm afraid I have no idea. I've just returned from a get-together with friends in the common room downstairs, so if she's gone I didn't hear her leave."

"Oh well, maybe I'll come back later. Unless you can use some help with packing things."

Lilly smiles sadly and shakes her head.

"I've already packed most of my possessions myself, and my family will probably help me with the rest when they get here. But..."

She walks up to her own door, opens it and makes a beckoning gesture inside.

"...perhaps you'd like to join me for a little while? For one final cup of tea in here?"

"Okay."

An actual tea party in that room with just the two of us would feel sacrilegious, but I sense that Lilly's offer isn't merely a polite request, so I follow her into her room without further ado. As I enter, I notice that the room is indeed largely empty already with the exception of the tea set, which is still standing on her dresser. I close the door behind me and sit down at the table. Lilly takes the teapot and fills two of the cups before handing one to me. We silently drink, neither of us feeling like saying much. We eventually finish our cups and as Lilly puts hers down, she has a wistful look on her face.

"This... feels wrong without Hanako here with us, doesn't it?"

"We could have waited until she got back, although... I'm not sure if she'd have accepted the invitation. She doesn't really seem to feel like doing much of anything these days. I was kind of surprised she wasn't in her room just now. Unless she was and she simply didn't react to my knocks."

"I've heard that she's still meeting with Miss Takawa on occasion."

"I spoke to Miss Takawa not too long ago. I asked her for some clarity on Hanako. She was evasive as usual. The gist was that Hanako seemed to be perking up right after the center test, only for her to start relapsing some time later. That's all she would tell me. She assured me she was still making use of every minute she had with Hanako, but I don't know..."

"You don't think she's serious? She gave us her word she'd do whatever she could to help Hanako."

"It's not that. I'm sure she's trying. I just don't think her therapy is helping anymore. She's just applying bandaids now. And why not? It's not like Hanako will still be her responsibility after tomorrow."

"Hisao..."

"Tomorrow we'll know more, Lilly. But..."

A mutual sigh. We're both thinking the same thing. Unlike Lilly and me, Hanako's taken part in two entrance exams, although I wonder if she'd truly have considered attending that second university in a town where she doesn't know a single person. It's possible she merely took that particular entrance exam because it was given before the exam that would let her into her first choice, meaning she'd be able to get a feeling for what the other exam would be like. The results of her 'plan B' exam came back three days ago already and she didn't do well enough to make it in. It left me with a very uneasy sensation and judging from the look on Lilly's face, she's thinking the same.

"Hisao, I've been thinking. It's possible that she didn't give that second exam everything she had."

"Yeah. It's even possible she passed her exam and I failed mine. We'll know tomorrow."

"The last time I asked how you thought you did, you said you were 'cautiously optimistic'."

True. My own exam wasn't easy - far from it. But all that cramming I went through did pay off, and there were no questions on the exam that were about things I never heard of before.

"Yeah, if I do end up failing tomorrow, I'll be genuinely disappointed."

"I asked Hanako about her exams too, but... She just said she didn't know."

Cautiously optimistic is obviously not a good way to describe Hanako's attitude towards her results.

"I wonder if she really doesn't know or if she simply wants us not to worry about her."

When Hanako passed the National Center Test, I was relieved and convinced she'd easily be able to pass her entrance exams too, but after she failed to get a passing grade on that second exam, the possibility of her not being able to attend university with us suddenly became very real again.

"I don't think it's just us. Earlier this evening, I ran into Naomi, and she asked if I knew where Hanako is going to go after tomorrow..."

"That will depend on whether she's passed her entrance exam or not, I suppose."

"Will it? No matter what results are posted on the board tomorrow, she'll need a place to stay, won't she?"

"...yeah."

Lilly absentmindedly fumbles with her hair.

"Naomi said... that if there are no alternatives, she was willing to talk to her parents about letting Hanako stay over for a little while."

"It's nice to hear that she's trying to help, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I don't think that Naomi's parents ever even met Hanako. Who knows how they'd react."

"I... agree."

"Lilly?"

"Yes?"

A short pause. We've done a remarkable job of avoiding this subject for quite some time, but I feel not bringing it up now would be irrational.

"That... um... offer your parents made Hanako during our Christmas visit..."

A pained expression appears on Lilly's face. When her parents gave that adoption form to Hanako and we all got over the shock, I was initially exhilirated. I used to worry a little that Hanako might not have a place to go to after graduating here, and this seemed a really good solution.

Except after that day, Hanako never brought the subject up again, and now I'm not sure what to think of the whole situation. Judging from Lilly's expression, she's not exactly comfortable with the subject matter either. Still, after some hesitation, she starts speaking.

"I visited her room a few days after the Center Test and brought the subject up. I asked her what... what she thought about my parents' offer and if she had given it any consideration. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. She immediately clammed up and I... ended up leaving when the silence became too much to bear. I wonder if I oversimplified certain things. I..."

I wonder for a moment if she's going to say it, but then Lilly sadly shakes her head and falls silent. I don't think she'd ever be able bring herself to wonder out loud if the whole thing may have been a mistake from the beginning.

"Was that the last time you spoke about it."

Lilly nods.

"Interaction between us became very awkward afterwards. Almost as if I confessed to her and she didn't have the heart to reject me despite not being interested. I... created distance between us at the very time she needed my support the most."

Lilly's depressed look is painful to see. So it wasn't just me whose interaction with Hanako was put on the backburner.

"I... wonder if having her accompany me to my parents' home and having her move in with me is even feasible at this point. I would really like it to be, but... Will Hanako still want to? I... haven't really had the courage to ask her."

"Even if she doesn't, there's still another option. I've been talking to my parents this week and I've... been trying to gauge how open they'd be to the idea of taking Hanako in themselves. It would be a pretty big change, suddenly having an extra person in the household. It's not like Hanako and I have been there all that often. They said they wanted to take some time to think about it, but they seem to like Hanako, so I don't think they'll refuse in the end."

Of course, my parents aren't millionairs with a big house like the Satous, so we'd have to make do from time to time, but there's no way Mom and Dad would leave their son's girlfriend out in the cold like that.

"That... is a relief. I've been thinking of asking the school if there were additional options they could think of in case they were needed, but perhaps that won't be necessary now."

"We'll get something worked out somehow, Lilly. Surely Yamaku must have... you know... protocols in place or something. Don't you think?"

"I don't know about that, Hisao. But I have no intention of leaving here without..."

"Hmmm?"

I wait for Lilly to continue, but she merely frowns as if deep in thought. Before I can ask her what's wrong, she gets on her feet and takes a few light steps towards the door. She feels out the location of the door handle and gently swings the door open, revealing...
03
"Aah!"

I recognize the voice even before Lilly steps aside to reveal its owner.

"Hanako..."

Lilly calls the name of her friend in a tone that's barely above a whisper. I feel my heart skip a beat as I look at my girlfriend. Hanako's dressed in her nightgown, as usual. It's always been a little bit too large for her, but it seems larger than ever now. Or rather, Hanako looks a lot thinner than I remember her. There are thick bags under her eyes. Has she been eating or sleeping at all these days? She looks almost like a ghost. My eyes meet hers, and I can see that they're moist, as if she's fighting back tears and barely holding them back. Her fists are clenched and shaking slightly, and in her eyes I can see a look of sorrow mixed with just a subtle hint of anger. Her breathing must have reflected her current mood, for Lilly softly whispers Hanako's name again, this time sounding more unsure of herself than before.

"Hanako, I..."

How long has she been listening on the other side of the door? How much of our conversation has she picked up?

Hanako's eyes and jaw squeeze shut for a moment as Lilly repeats her name. She's still shaking a bit, and for a moment I think she's going to say something or cry, but then she suddenly exhales loudly, causing Lilly to take a startled step back, shakes her head a few times and runs down the hallway. The next moment, we hear the door of her room slam shut. The sound makes Lilly flinch as if someone just slapped her across the face.

For a moment, time seems to stand still.

Then, like a sleep walker, she starts moving towards Hanako's bedroom door. Before she can reach for the handle, though, I walk over to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Lilly, I... don't think that's a good idea right now."

Lilly raises her hand towards the handle, but then lowers it again and nods.

"You're probably right. I just..."

"I know how you feel. I feel the same. We'll talk to Hanako first thing in the morning, okay?"

Another sullen nod. Then, still a little unsteadily, Lilly walks back to her own room. I follow her to the door, but decide not to go back inside.

"I'd best be going now. We'll talk again tomorrow."

"Hisao?"

"Yes?"

"I feel that, no matter what I do, I'm only making things worse... I just wanted to..."

"I know, Lilly. I think even Hanako knows, deep down."

--------------------------------------

04
It sure is bright in my room.

Blinking a few times against the sun, I yawn and open my eyes and look around the room; the room that'll only be my dorm room for a few more hours. Tonight, I'll sleep in my parental home again, far away from here. It'll be weird waking up there again.

I already packed my alarm clock yesterday and decided to leave the curtains open so I wouldn't oversleep.

Graduation ceremony will start around noon. I know from the days before that the exam results aren't posted until shortly before that time. That's still at least 2 hours from now. I'm not going to put myself through the agonizing process of going there early and sitting there doing nothing. I'd rather do something to keep my mind off my test. Something like cleaning this room and packing the few things that are still lying around.

I get a quick bite in the kitchen downstairs, grab some cleaning supplies and start the process of cleaning this place. It's not something I usually enjoy doing, but this time I welcome the opportunity to keep my mind off things.

Things like my exam results. Within a few hours I'll know what my upcoming year will be like. As well as Lilly's year. And...

...Hanako's year.

Dusting my desk only does a moderately succesful job at keeping my thoughts away from what happened last night. I still feel bad about it, and it took a long time before I managed to fall asleep. I'm still not sure when the best time will be to talk to Hanako. Probably before we go to see our test results. Assuming Hanako's willing to come out of her room this time.

My thoughts are still on Hanako when I'm suddenly startled by a loud knock on the door, which flies open a second later.
05
Damn, this is one thing I'm not going to miss.

"What's up, man!"

"Kenji, do you remember that night when you knocked on my door so loudly that I nearly died? I think that knocking back then sounded suspiciously like the knocking just now."

"Huh, you seem fine now, man. You don't look like a man ready to drop dead. Don't they, like, always clutch their heart and let out some guttural moan or something before falling to the floor?"

As if trying to stress his point, he presses a hand to his chest and lets out a loud 'HNNNNNNG' while gritting his teeth.

"I don't think that's quite how it goes."

"Whatever, man. Anyway, today's the big day. I showed them, didn't I? I've lived here rent free for more than long enough. If you take into account the rising cost of land, I think you could say I've won in the end."

A cheerful smile suddenly appears on his face.

"No, you know what? I did win. History will acknowledge me as the victor."

"The victor of what?"

"I managed to stay out of sight and slip through the cracks. I beat the system."

"If you put it that way, it sounds like you just ran away from the system."

"Sometimes, running is the greatest form of victory; like in the Olympics."

I'm not in the mood to argue that point with him. Who's he kidding? Everyone knows the shot put is the best Olympic event, in any case.

"So, what you're basically saying is, you won't miss it?"

"Miss what?"

"School, dummy."

"No, I told you, this place is too filled with feminists. It's beyond saving. But at least I'll be able to get out before it reaches critical mass."

"You're not going to miss the science club either? It was a nice group, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, but a small resistence group isn't really gonna make a difference when we're this vastly outnumbered. I'm gonna focus on mobilizing the troops somewhere else."

I sigh in resignation.

"Well, good luck fighting the good fight."

"I could send you updates on my status. What's your home address?"

"You want to swap home addresses?"

"Sorry, man. Can't give you mine. With that tracking device of yours, they could follow you right to me. Can't go and give up my position that easily."

If I give this guy my home address, I could see my parents filing a restraining order against him at some point or another.

"Maybe we should simply swap phone numbers instead."

"I don't have a phone. Not gonna get one either. I'm kinda scared of them. Not sure why. Maybe I was beaten with one in the past and can't remember."

Right. I think I've heard that story before.

"E-mail addresses then?"

"I don't trust the internet. You shouldn't either, man. They're monitoring that shit. Every mail you've ever typed up is backed up and stored on one of their servers somewhere."

"Why would anybody want to watch me? For associating with you? Are you on some secret service's black list?"

"They don't need an excuse, man. They do it because they can. Privacy is on life support. Nobody believes me, but you'll see... someday. Don't say I didn't warn you when the truth comes out."

"Uh... Yeah... Right. I won't. So no internet. Maybe you can just give me a status report the next time we meet. They do the ten year later reunion thing here, don't they?"

"How would I know that? Probably. Anyway, I have to start packing now. Take care of yourself, man."

He gives me a saluting gesture and walks out, slamming the door shut behind him.

'Take care of myself.' It's the first time I've heard him end a conversation like that. Usually, he parts ways with something like 'seeya.' 'I'll pay you back later, man.' I wonder if him saying goodbye here means he's not gonna attend the graduation ceremony. He might be more uncomfortable in crowds than Hanako. I could see myself ending up missing this guy even though he was a little annoying at times.
06
With Kenji gone, I resume my chores and finish cleaning and packing without further interruptions. There's probably no reason to carry all my stuff downstairs yet. Dad can probably help me with that when he and Mom arrive. Realizing I still have a bit of time to spare, I decide to drop by the girls' dorm before going to check the notice board. When I reach the hallway leading to Hanako's and Lilly's rooms, I briefly consider knocking on Hanako's door before deciding to check up on Lilly first. When I knock on her door, I'm greeted by a face I haven't seen in a long time.

"Yo, graduate boy. Have you come to share some good news with us?"

"Hi Akira. It's been a long time since I've seen you. You're certainly here early."

Lilly's sister flashes me her typical jovial grin. Her expression is familiar, but her outfit is not. This is the first time I've seen Akira wear a fancy blouse and a long skirt. It's a big difference from the business suit or sporty jeans I've seen her wear in the past. It kinda makes sense that Akira would put on something relatively fancy for her sister's graduation, but it still takes some getting used to. Akira notices my staring and rolls her eyes.

"I still prefer my jeans, but if I wore those during an occasion like this, Dad would probably first kill me and then himself. Anyway, my little sister here was commenting on my timing as well. I think my arrival actually woke her up."

She steps aside, and I walk into the room. Lilly's no longer wearing her pajamas, but she still looks rather sleepy. It appears I'm not the only one who had trouble falling asleep last night.

"Good morning, Lilly. How are you feeling?"

"Good morning, Hisao. I'm okay. Still a little tired and just a little nervous."

Akira snickers.

"If it turns out you've flunked your test, Sis, I don't think Mom and Dad will be speaking another word of Japanese to you for a whole year."

Lilly smiles weakly.

"At least it would be good practice."

I turn to Akira.

"Speaking of which, are your parents here as well right now?"

Akira shakes her head.

"They're probably on their way. I didn't sleep at their place last night, so we've been travelling separately. I figured I'd be here a little earlier and help my sis pack her things."

Lilly gives her older sister a grateful smile.

"Your help was greatly appreciated."

"So Hisao, have you already heard the results?"

"Not yet, Akira. The notice board is probably being updated as we speak. I just wanted to go and fetch you guys before heading over there."

"Well, my curiosity is ready to be satisfied. You want me to read the results to you when we get there, Sis?"

"That won't be necessary, Akira. The results will also be posted in Braille."

Lilly gets up from the bed and picks up her bag, taking her retractable cane out of it.

"But before we go, there's still one thing we have to do, isn't there Hisao?"

"...yeah."

I look at Akira, but the lack of confusion on her face tells me that Lilly has already let her in on what happened last night. Her smile drops for a moment before suddenly returning.

"Hey, I was thinking... She might still feel awkward talking to you two, but maybe I could talk to her and ease the tension a bit."

Lilly's expression clears up upon hearing her sister's suggestion.

"That's a good idea, Akira. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you again."

Akira nods, opens the door and walks down the hallway while Lilly and I remain at a comfortable distance. As she reaches Hanako's door, Akira gives a few sharp raps on it.

"Yo Hanako! It's me. Are you up already?"

Lilly and I both hold our breath, and I can see Lilly listening intently. But there doesn't seem to be a reaction. Akira briefly presses her ear to the door and then knocks again.

"Hanako, you in there?"

Again there's no response. Akira shrugs and takes out her cell phone. She presses a few keys and then holds it to her ear. After a few seconds she sighs and snaps her phone back shut. Then she walks back to us.

"No dice. She's got her phone switched off. I can't tell if she's in there or not."

"Lilly, have you already heard her this morning?"

"I'm afraid not, Hisao. I only woke up a little while ago. If she's not in her room right now, she must have left before I woke up."

"That's a shame. Now what?"

Akira scratches her head.

"Maybe we should just go and check the exam results. Some good news might lure her out there - assuming she's even inside. "

"Yeah."

"Hey, ditch the gloomy face. She did fine on the Center Test, didn't she?"

"You're right. Let's head for the notice board."

We leave the girls' dorm and start making our way to the school building, making sure our pace matches Lilly's. As we walk down the path to the building, Akira gives me a curious glance.

"Hey Hisao, I suppose your parents will be here too today, won't they?"

"Yeah, I'm kind of expecting them to be here any moment."

She grins.

"I think I'd like to meet them. You know... to see if there are any similarities."

"Heh, I had exactly the same train of thought when we met your parents."

"Uhh... I think I can do without having to hear your conclusions there."

"I doubt it'd be something you haven't already heard before."

Akira gives a mock-indignant huff, but then switches her stare from me to the school building ahead.

"Wow, quite a few people there. Looks like we're not the only ones who are eager to see the test results."

"Seriously."

Akira's right. There's quite a crowd of people standing in front of the notice board right now. As we approach, Akira gives me a little poke with her elbow.

"Have you guys considered that maybe Hanako's already here to check the results herself?"

"You're right, it's a possibility. I don't think she'd be very comfortable with this many people around, but I bet she's still very curious about the results."

"Let's keep an eye out for her."

We join the chaotic mass in front of us and I struggle to catch a glimpse of the notifications hanging on the board. I notice that my heart's pounding in my throat right now. The moment of truth is probably mere seconds away. If only I can get a little closer.

"Hey Nakai!"

While I'm still in the process of making my way through the crowd of students and parents, I'm suddenly greeted by a voice coming from somewhere in front of me. I look in the direction of the voice and find myself face to face with a rather large guy whom I recognize as Taro Arai, the guy normally sitting behind me in class. Taro seems to have seen the results already as he's making his way through the crowd in the opposite direction with one hand, the other one hanging by his side. He has an excited smile on his face.

"Hi Arai. You seem to be in a good mood. Did you make it in?"

"I totally did! Against all expectations. Man, spring break's gonna be so awesome now. I think I deserved it after all the cramming. I must have lost ten kilos over the last few months from all the stress. Heck, I barely ate this morning because I was so nervous."

If that's true, it isn't very noticable. Then again, he has plenty of reserves.

"Congratulations. Really good work. I hope I can join in the celebrations soon. I'm on my way to see how I did."

"Would you like me to tell you?"

"Huh?"
07
He flashes me a broad grin.

"I noticed your name on there while I was checking my results. Congratulations man. You'll be a university student after today."

"W-Wha...?"

"You passed. Saw it myself just now."

"W-W-Whoa..."

Time seems to slow down around me as the realization hits me.

A university student.

Me.

Wow.

After all the stress and the short nights. After all the cramming and nearly killing myself. After everything that's happened... I've made it. It's all been worth it.

I've made it.

Taro's enthusiastic pat on my shoulder brings me back to reality.

"How's it feel, man? Wait, don't answer. I already know."

"I... hahaha... Wow, I can barely believe it... It's just..."

"Hehe, I know how it feels. Kinda surreal, doesn't it?"

"Y-Yeah."

"Go ahead and see for yourself. I'm out of here. See you!"

He makes his way past me, and I slowly become aware of my surroundings again. I look around for my blonde companions and from the look of it, Lilly's been spoiled by a classmate as well as they haven't made it to the board yet, but Akira is already sharing a loving hug with her sister and Lilly's laughing in a much more enthusiastic manner than she would usually do. With some effort, I manage to make my way over to them.

"Lilly?"

"Hisao. Did you...?"

"I've made it in. At least, a classmate just told me he saw my name. It's... still kind of hard to believe."

Lilly smiles.

"The same happened to me. It's wonderful, isn't it? I can't wait for my parents to arrive. I want to hear their reaction when I tell them."

"I'm sure they'll be proud of you, Lilly. Any parent would be."

"I hope so. We should probably still go and check the board for ourselves. Just to make sure this isn't just some wonderful dream."

"Not needed, Sis. I've just checked and you're on there. Congratulations. Congratulations to both of you."

"Thanks, Akira. There's still one thing we need to check though."

"About that... I... umm... haven't seen Hanako."

"You mean she's not among the people here?"

"That's not exactly what I mean. What I mean is that... uh..."

I look at Akira and see a pained expression on her face.
08
"What I mean is... that I haven't seen Hanako's name on the list. She's not on there. Looks like she... didn't pass after all."

"Hanako…"

"N-No..."

In one moment the rush, the happiness and euphoria I felt - all of them collapse as Akira's words sink in. What was the greatest achievement of my life just seconds ago now feels like a hollow victory. Lilly's expression has changed to one of horror, and she's slowly shaking her head as if she's unable to accept what she just heard.

"Akira... D-did you check thoroughly?"

"I did. I'm really sorry, Sis. This is a real shock to me too. I..."

"No..."

With a look of despair on her face, Lilly starts pushing her way through the crowd, not even caring about the surprised reactions from those in front of her. Akira and I do our best to follow as closely behind her as we can, with Akira muttering a few apologies to people nearby. As she reaches the announcement board, Lilly presses her shaking hands on the sheets of Braille paper hanging there and skims the list of names...

...again...

...and again...

...and again.

I'm close enough to read the list myself now and confirm that Akira didn't misread it. Lilly's and my names are on it, but Hanako's isn't. Despite the fact that the possibility was there all along, it still feels like an excruciatingly painful slap in the face. For a moment, I feel extremely frustrated. Hanako's already been through so much and deserved so much better than this. Then Akira gets my attention with a quick nudge.

"There ain't much for us to do here anymore. Let's find ourselves a quiet spot to let this sink in."

She beckons me to come along and gives Lilly, who only barely seems to be hanging onto her composure, a forceful tug on her sleeve. Walking slightly faster than she usually would while walking with her sister, Akira guides the two of us away from the crowd and to a secluded spot in the school's gardens. All along, Lilly is walking alongside us in what almost seems to be a daze. When we reach a spot where nobody else is near, Akira lets go of her sister's sleeve and sighs deeply.

"I feel really bad for her. After she passed the Center Test, I seriously thought she'd clear this one no problem."

"T-This..."

Lilly looks completely crushed at this latest development. She's squeezing her eyes shut in a futile attempt to hold back her tears.

"This w-wasn't supposed to happen, Akira. S-She did so w-well before. B-Before..."

Akira steps forward and gently takes Lilly in her arms. Unlike the savage hug she gave Lilly after she heard about her succesfully passing the entrance exams, this embrace is tender, almost motherly. Even though I know that Lilly and her sister are very close, it still feels a bit strange seeing the usually unrefined Akira comfort her sister in this way.

"A-Akira..."

"Yes, Lilly?"

"W-When I made that p-phone call to Mother, telling her that I was s-staying here in Japan, Hanako was there with me... g-giving me her support. W-We promised then and there that we would graduate together. We were going to f-face the challenges of university together too. And now... *sniff* Now what?"

Akira gives her sister a comforting pat on the back and then lets go.

"Now what? Good question. That's probably up to Hanako. As rotten as this news is, at least the uncertainty is gone now. Now we can determine what to do next. Hanako will have to do the same. Maybe we can help her make a decision... If she's going to let us. Only one way to find out."

"I wonder if I can even face her after this. If it hadn't been for me..."

"This is no time to be thinking about that, Sis. Let's go back to the dorms. If she's in there, we'll find a way to get her out of her room. We'll have to hurry though. The graduation ceremony will be starting soon, and we'd better be there."

Lilly gives a weak nod and takes a hold of her sister's sleeve as a sign that she's ready to go. Just as we reach the entrance to the girls' dorm, Lilly's phone suddenly starts ringing. With an unsure look, she shows the display to Akira.

"Akira, is that...?"

"Nope, just Mom and Dad. They're probably wondering where the hell we are, what with the ceremony and all."

"What should I tell them?"

"You don't have to tell them anything. Just let me talk to them, Sis. I'll explain the situation. You'd better go inside. Maybe you should visit the bathroom really quick and clean yourself a bit. Your eyes are all red, and Dad's probably gonna give you a scolding if you attend the ceremony looking like that."

"...alright then."

We hurry inside, and while Lilly enters one of the bathrooms to make herself more presentable, I move along to the hallway leading to Lilly's and Hanako's room. I give a loud knock on the door and press my ear to it, hoping to pick up a sound on the other side. A surprised cry, shuffling or any other sign of life.

Nothing.

I'm getting kind of worried.

I wonder if Hanako has been expecting this. If she had a blackout or something during the entrance exams, she must have known all along how this was going to turn out ever since exam season ended.

Is that why she's been secluding herself like this? Because she didn't think she'd be able to keep up appearances all day long in front of us and she didn't want to worry us either?

How awful that must have been.

"Hisao? Is she...?"

I see Lilly carefully navigating her way towards me. She's looking a little better now, although that elated smile she showed earlier today probably isn't going to make a reappearance anytime soon.

"I haven't heard anything. Maybe we should simply ask the dormkeeper for help. This room's officially supposed to be cleaned out, isn't it?"

"Mister Nakai! Miss Satou! You still haven't left for the gymnasium yet? Certainly you're not planning on being late for the ceremony, are you?"

We turn around and notice a familiar figure walking down the hallway.

"Miss Takawa."

Lilly and I do a quick bow in unison. The old lady gives us a careful look-over.

"I have the impression you've already heard today's results. Am I correct?"

"Yes, we have."

"Could I have a little talk with the two of you? It will not take long."

"Uh... Sure?"

"I'd rather not talk here. Let's go to the common room downstairs."

A bit puzzled, Lilly and I follow Miss Takawa downstairs where we take a seat at one of the tables. The old therapist folds her hands and gives us a sympathizing look.

"The last time the three of us sat together like this, I expressed the hope that our next talk would be under more uplifting circumstances. It appears that fate decided otherwise. I still hope you don't mind if I extend my well-wishes to the two of you. You have done very well. Congratulations."

"T-Thank you. But Hanako..."

Miss Takawa lets out a weary sigh.

"Yes, I know. I suppose you are here to talk to her, aren't you?"

"That's the idea. But the door is locked, and we don't even know if she's inside. We haven't seen her around the school grounds today. We were about to ask the dormkeeper for a spare key."

"That won't be necessary."

The old lady reaches into her bag and takes something out of it. When she shows me her hand, a small key is lying in its palm.

"A key. A key to Hanako's room? Looks like you beat us to it. Great. Let's get going."

Miss Takawa slowly shakes her head, closes her hand and puts the key back in her bag.

"I believe that there is a right time for everything, but now is not the right time for you to visit Miss Ikezawa."

"E-Excuse me?"

"Miss Satou, the graduation ceremony is set to start in 15 minutes, and the two of you will need some time to get there. You would have only little more than five minutes to deal with Miss Ikezawa, even if you'd be able to talk to her right now. Do you think that would be enough?"

"But Hanako's school grades have still been high enough for her to have earned her diploma. We can't just let her miss her own graduation ceremony, can we?"

"The same is true for the two of you. You can't afford to miss your own graduation ceremony either. You really can't."

I scratch my head.

"Don't you think that we should be here for Hanako right now?"

"Out there in the gymnasium are a father and a mother waiting for their son to take part in the ceremony and take his diploma. I imagine your parents to be here as well, Miss Satou. And your sister too if that young lady standing near the building's entrance is related to you. These people came here to see you stand there and participate in the ceremony that marks the end of your high school days. If your chairs were to remain empty, how do you think they would feel? They'd feel terrible, I'd imagine. Please take that into consideration."

Yeah, Mom and Dad will be expecting me to be there. They came all this way for that specific purpose, but...

I grit my teeth as a realization hits me.

"Do you realize how horrible that sounds? You make it sound like it's okay for Hanako to miss the ceremony because there are no people coming here today specifically for her. She doesn't have a father and mother sitting there to watch her graduate, so she has less priority? Are you saying that she can be missed?"

Hanako's therapist shakes her head and lets out a tired sigh.

"Calm down, Mister Nakai. All I'm saying is that a child's graduation is one of the most important events in a parent's life. Don't dismiss it so easily. Miss Ikezawa would not want you to miss the ceremony on her behalf."

"But..."

"I think she's right, you know."

We turn around, and I see Akira standing in the doorway.

"Akira, y-you too...?"

Lilly seems a bit flustered by Akira's sudden intervention.

"You know that Mom and Dad would be crushed if you stayed away, Lilly. They've really been looking forward to this. Just like I have. Dad would be very upset with you too. Shizune's folks are probably in the audience already and your absence would surely be noticed. I don't think Hanako would want to create trouble for you."

Lilly opens her mouth to speak, but then stops herself and just nods as Akira continues.

"You remember New Year's Day, right? When we went to visit that shrine and had to return because Hanako felt suffocated there. How do you think she'd react when she had to stand there in front of a big crowd, unable to just walk out without disrupting the ceremony, faced with a whole audience of other students' proud parents sitting there? You think she'd enjoy being there?"

"I... I know what you're saying, Akira. But... it just seems so unfair. Hanako's worked as hard as everyone else, maybe even harder. To not even get to attend the ceremony, to not even have people acknowledge all her hard work and just have her pick up her diploma at the administration building, out of sight of everyone... It just seems so wrong."

Hanako's therapist gives a grave nod.

"Your sister makes a good point, Miss Satou. It may seem anticlimactic not to have a memory of the ceremony, but no memory is arguably still better than a bad one. She already has more than enough of those."

She gets up and looks at us with a slightly forceful look.

"Please go now and attend the ceremony. Try to feel proud of your achievements, and know that Miss Ikezawa is proud of you too. Say goodbye to the people you wish to say goodbye to, and then please come back here. Hmmm, if you meet Miss Inoue there, please ask her to accompany you. I'll be here when you get back. That's a promise."

"...okay then."

We get up as well, and Lilly takes hold of Akira's sleeve.

"Until after the ceremony then, Miss Takawa."

"Yes. Until then."

As Lilly and Akira hurry along towards the exit, I take one glance back. I notice Miss Takawa is staring at the staircase leading to the upper floor with a strange look on her face. I rush to catch up with the Satou sisters, but as we walk towards the gymnasium as fast as Lilly can manage, I think back on Miss Takawa again.

Something about the look in her eyes gave me a really uneasy feeling.

Let's hope the ceremony isn't going to be drawn out for too long.

Chapter 51
01
"The ceremony should be over by now."

Having checked my watch, I walk up to the room's door and open it, so when Mister Nakai and Miss Satou return here, they'll know that it's okay to enter. Hopefully they've been able to find Miss Inoue as well. That would be convenient.

My gaze once again wanders around the room. I've worked here for nearly two years now, and I've been Miss Hanako's therapist for equally as long, but this is the first time I've actually been in her room. The one time she was in such a bad shape that I deemed it best to accompany her here, the day Mister Nakai got hospitalized, we parted ways at the door.

This was her own little sanctum, and she had the habit of locking herself up here whenever she felt distressed. That was sometimes a little frustrating since it also sometimes caused her to miss appointments, but I've never considered asking the dormkeeper to let me in here. For a person who had no place to call home except for this little room, violating its sanctity would have been a fatal breach of trust.

Despite this place having been the closest thing she's had to a place to call her own, I don't think she ever really decorated it accordingly. From what I've heard, it's always remained very bare bones. Miss Satou's room may actually have been easier on the eyes, ironically enough. I've always been curious why. It's not due to the lack of preferences. During one session, I gave her a few catalogues and asked her to come up with decorating advice for a girl around her age. She knew it was a test of some sort, but still went along with it, and the result might have been one of the girliest rooms one could imagine. She obviously had very specific tastes, yet when I asked if she'd consider dressing up her own room a little, she said she wasn't interested.

Maybe she saw no reason to make a place homey that she knew she was going to lose when her time here ran out.

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of voices coming from the hallway.

"Hisao, do you see her anywhere?"

"Not yet, Lilly, but she said she'd be here."

"Didn't you guys say that Hanako wasn't out of her room yet when you left?"

I recognize two of the voices as the ones belonging to Mister Nakai and Miss Satou. The third one is unfamiliar to me. It must meant that Miss Inoue is tagging along too. That's good.

"That's right. Why?"

"Because I can see that her door's open."

"That's strange. There have been times when Hanako has kept her door unlocked, but she's never kept it open as far as I remember. Let's go see."

Well, I suppose this is it. I get up from the desk chair I was sitting on and turn towards the door.

"Hey Hanako, are you th...?"

A girl with distinctive bleached hair comes walking into the room and lets out a shocked gasp.

"WHAT THE HECK?"

"Naomi, what's wrong? Is something... HUH?"

Next is Mister Nakai, who seems as surprised as Miss Inoue.

"Hisao, what is it? Is she there? What do you see?"

And finally Miss Satou enters the room, a worried look on her face.

"Ummm... Miss Takawa is here, Lilly. But Hanako isn't. And neither is anything else."

"Neither is anything else? What do you mean?"

"The room's completely empty except for the furniture. It's like... like..."

I nod gravely.

"Like she has already left? Yes, I'm afraid so."

Miss Satou's worried look becomes pained.

"Already left? But... When? Why? And... Where?"

"Please take a seat on the bed."

I sit down on the desk chair again, and the three graduates hesitantly sit down across from me. Mister Nakai has a scolding expression on his face.

"Miss Takawa, have you been here all this time? Did you see Hanako walk out of here and simply let her?"

I shake my head.

"Miss Ikezawa already left the school early this morning. When the three of us spoke earlier today, she was already gone."

I apologetically bow my head.

"I apologize for not telling you this sooner, but I felt that you probably had enough on your mind already and didn't want to make you more worried than you already were while attending the ceremony."

Miss Satou makes an uncharacteristically impatient gesture as if to urge me not to waste time talking about trivial matters such as a ceremony.

"Miss Takawa, we appreciate your concern, but please tell us what you know about Hanako. Why would she just up and leave like this? Is it... something we did?"

There's a guilty look on her face that catches my attention. Miss Hanako will have to excuse me for inquiring about this.

"Miss Satou, has something happened between Miss Ikezawa and you over the last few days?"

Miss Satou seems a bit put off by my question. Was it an inappropriate question or is she simply impatient to hear about her best friend?

"Miss Takawa, please..."

"I will tell you all I can afterwards."

Miss Satou hesitates for a moment, but then tells me about how she and Mister Nakai were discussing what to do about Miss Hanako last night, only to discover she was actually listening in. Mister Nakai added that Miss Hanako seemed upset, maybe even a bit angry.

"Hmmm... That might have played a role. Thank you, Miss Satou. And you too, Mister Nakai."

"Played a role?"

"I ran into Miss Ikezawa when I arrived here early this morning. She was waiting for me near the school gate. She was carrying her backpack, and there were two suitcases standing nearby, undoubtedly belonging to her. When I asked her what she was doing here this early, she told me she was planning to leave."

"Did she tell you why she was leaving or where she was headed?"

"She wouldn't tell me where she was planning to go, if she even knew herself. She did tell me about her motivation, which was along the lines of... hmmm... No longer wanting to be a burden on others."

The hurt look on their faces is particularly excruciating to watch. Miss Satou in particular looks crushed. When she answers, I have to strain to hear it.

"But... she... isn't. Why did she have to do this?"

"I wasn't very fond of her plan myself and spent some time trying to talk her out of it. Unfortunately without much success. I did make a quick phone call to the school administration in order to ask about your exam results, and she seemed relieved when I told her that both of you passed. It didn't convince her to remain on the school grounds for today, but I think you nevertheless took a load off her shoulders."

Mister Nakai gives me an inquisitive look.

"So you have no idea where she could be headed?"

"I might. I urged her to go somewhere where I could get in touch with her."

"Somewhere?"

"That's the tricky part. I could tell you, but that would involve me breaking my client confidentiality with her and I'm afraid I can't afford to let that happen."

"Even though after today she won't be a client of yours any longer?"

"That doesn't really make a difference. I wouldn't be able to do my job any longer if the rest of my clients were to believe that my confidentiality only lasts until graduation."

Miss Inoue makes a face.

"You've gotta be kidding me. So you have an idea where she is, but you won't tell us? What are we supposed to do? Just wait until she comes floating to the surface, as it were? Why even tell us all this at all?"

"I had a reason for calling you here. Please take a moment to reach under the bed you're sitting on. Be careful not to damage them."

"Huh? Hey, she's right. There's something under here."

Mister Nakai and Miss Inoue get on their hands and knees and reach under the bed. Moments later, they pull out what was hidden there. Three beautiful flower arrangements, each of them with a small card attached. The one with the card printed in Braille looks rather odd, the flowers' colors not really complementing each other well like the other two do. When Miss Hanako was making that one, I wondered what her reasoning behind it was. But when taking it to her room, I noticed that it was much more fragrant than the others. It must have been made specifically with Miss Satou's blindness in mind.

Miss Hanako's friends look confused for a second as they each take the arrangement that was meant for them. Miss Satou runs her hand through the flowers and takes in their scent. Then she gives me an unsure look.

"Are these...?"

"These are Miss Ikezawa's graduation gifts to you. She asked me to give them to you. Please accept them."

Their expressions slowly change from puzzlement to awe, though still with a clear hint of sadness.

"Wow, these are really pretty. But where did they come from?"

"She made them herself. Miss Ikezawa and I usually play board games during our sessions. They help her relax. She wasn't in the mood for games over the last few weeks, so I suggested an alternative. I had her work on these little gifts for you instead. She picked out the flowers and materials and we had them delivered at my office. She has spent the last few sessions putting them together. Just between you and me, I think she has a knack for this. Perhaps not so surprising for someone whose first name means 'flower girl'."

"They're beautiful."

"She also prepared two sets of cards. One set with a congratulatory message and another one with a consolation. I attached the right cards to the pieces just before hiding them here."

I smile sheepishly at Miss Satou.

"I'm afraid I don't read Braille, so I really hope I didn't accidentally attach the wrong note to your arrangement."

"Don't worry, it's the right one. Did... Hanako really make these?"

"She did. I'm afraid that Miss Ikezawa has known what her own exam results were going to be long before this day arrived. She might even have known that she wasn't going to make it in before she even started those entrance exams. They weren't particularly easy, and one would need complete focus in order to do well. In the end, there were probably far too many things tugging at her and holding her back for her to have a realistic chance of success. I'm sure you'll understand that she was not looking forward to this day. These presents were her attempt at... hmmm... lightening the mood, so to speak. She was quite worried about how her exam results were going to affect you today. Although to be honest, I think just working on these also provided her with a limited means of distraction. It made the last few days here more bearable for her."

I smile sadly at Miss Hanako's friends.

"Please consider these the smile and well-wishes she wanted to have for you today, yet could not give you in person due to her own circumstances. I hope that despite Miss Ikezawa's situation, you will still be able to feel pride and a measure of happiness today."

A conflicted expression appears on their faces. I find myself wondering once more whether I shouldn't have taken the risk of pushing Miss Hanako to stay here today just a little bit harder. Her friends are touched by her gesture, that much is obvious. If Miss Hanako had been the one to give them these gifts personally, I'm sure she would have been looking at three huge smiles right now. It's obvious that the main thing on their mind right now is still worry about their friend. Eventually, Miss Satou speaks up.

"Miss Takawa, you said something about getting in touch with Hanako. Are you planning to do so?"

"I am, Miss Satou. As I'm sure Miss Inoue here can attest, whenever a student here fails his entrance exams, it is customary for that person's homeroom teacher to have a talk with him or her and discuss the options available to them."

"Yeah, I had that talk with Mutou and Hoshino after I screwed up on the Center Test. They told me that if my parents could afford it, my best option was to attend a cram school for a year and try again next January. Hoshino felt that I had enough academic ability to succeed the next time, assuming I'd be less reckless with my condition. We found a cram school in my hometown that has someone with a first aid diploma on duty, and the people here are now in contact with him to instruct him on how to deal with me if I have a fit."

"We had a meeting about today's exam results this morning, and Miss Ikezawa was brought up as well. I volunteered to take the task of having this talk with Miss Ikezawa off Mister Mutou's hands. I intend to get in touch with her later today. But... I cannot have this kind of talk with her if she does not trust me. So..."

"You... Don't want us to try and find her?"

"Miss Ikezawa has had a few very rough months and is probably still not really sure what she wants to do now and where she wants to go. She might need a little bit of time to sort things out for herself. I might be able to help her a bit, but in the end she'll have to make the final call herself."

"A little bit of time?"

"A few days maybe. When I talk to her, I'll try to convince her to contact you. If you haven't heard anything from her in... say... three days, feel free to give me a call."

I reach into my pocket and give a card with my phone number to each of the three graduates sitting in front of me. Mister Nakai looks a bit doubtful as he takes the card.

"Days?"

"There is no need to worry about her safety."

There's a short silence, but then Miss Hanako's friends give a resigned nod.

"Miss Takawa?"

"Yes, Miss Satou?"

"If you talk to her, please tell her that... I'm sorry."

I study the expression on Miss Satou's face for a second and sigh.

"I think you've already apologized enough as it is for your part in this whole situation, Miss Satou. I doubt Miss Ikezawa even holds you responsible to begin with, so try not to blame yourself too badly for what happened. In the end, neither you nor Miss Ikezawa were truly responsible. If I had to point fingers, I would say that the real culprits are Miss Ikezawa's anxieties or the things that created them, not Miss Ikezawa herself."

The half-hearted nod I get in response isn't really the answer I was hoping for, but it'll have to do.

"I think I've pretty much said all I came here to say. If none of you have any further questions, then perhaps it is better to take our leave here. I'm sure your parents are wondering what's keeping you."

Mister Nakai and Miss Inoue wearily get up, but Miss Satou remains seated. For a moment, she appears deep in thought, but then nods and turns to me.

"Miss Takawa, I have one more request to make of you if it's not a problem."

--------------------------------------
02
"Hmmm. Still nothing."

I shrug and put my cell phone away. As expected, Miss Hanako still has her own phone turned off. I had been hoping to get lucky and be able to inform her how her friends reacted to her gifts, but I suppose that'll have to wait.

After leaving the dorm building, Miss Hanako's friends were greeted by their parents who had been waiting for them outside. They're standing outside of earshot range - well, my earshot range at least, which has admittedly been decreasing a bit over the last few years, but from the looks of it they're currently trying to explain the situation to their parents to the best of their ability. Eventually I see Miss Inoue walk up to Mister Nakai and Miss Satou and take out her phone. I don't need to hear their words to comprehend what's going on. They're probably exchanging phone numbers in order to make sure that they're all kept in the loop when one of them hears more about Miss Hanako. Upon finishing, Miss Inoue exchanges polite bows with Mrs. Satou and then waves goodbye to Mister Nakai and Miss Satou before walking off together with her parents. Mister Nakai and Miss Satou merely stand there for a bit until Mister Nakai's mother pats her son's shoulder and gives what appears to be an indication that they'll be leaving soon, too. Before they can part though, I see Miss Satou's older sister suddenly gesture in my direction, and her parents turn their heads to look my way as well. I approach them and bow politely.

"Good afternoon and congratulations on your son's and daughter's succesful graduation. I hope this day will be a special one to you despite the fact that Miss Ikezawa couldn't attend."

Nobody really seems sure how to react at first, but eventually they return my bow, and we exchange introductions. Miss Satou's father, a tall and stern-looking man, gives me a long look-over.

"Miss Takawa, our daughter has just explained the situation to us, but there is still one thing I am rather curious about. You mentioned making contact with Hanako and discussing the available options with her. Exactly what options are you going to bring up? And... What option are you planning to recommend? Are you... aware of all the options she has?"

"To be honest, I would like to discuss the options and my reccomendation with Miss Ikezawa herself before discussing them with anyone else. But if there's a specific suggestion you have in mind then this would probably be a good opportunity to discuss it with me."

Truth be told, I've been wanting to have a talk with Mister and Mrs. Satou for quite some time, so I hope they'll accept. I see them exchange a short glance and then nodding.

"Very well. We are at your disposal."

"I'm glad to hear that. My office is on the upper floor of the nurses' building. It's not very far from here."

Mister and Mrs Satou turn to Mister Nakai's parents and say their goodbyes, congratulating them once more on their son succesfully passing the exams. Then they turn to Mister Nakai himself.

"Mister Nakai, I am certain we will meet again in the future sometime, so please stay well until then."

"Yes, please take good care of yourself."

"You too, sir, madam."

He briefly turns to me.

"Thank you for all your efforts on Hanako's behalf, Miss Takawa."

"My efforts were not any more important than your own, Mister Nakai. Perhaps we will speak again soon. Until then."

I bow and then head off with Miss Satou's parents following me. I look back one more time and see Miss Satou and Mister Nakai sharing an embrace. A parting like this, even though it's most likely temporary, must be difficult for both of them.

--------------------------------------

"Please enjoy."

I hand Mister and Mrs Satou their bowl of tea, and we all take a careful sip. Mister Satou gives an appreciative nod at the taste and then proceeds to sweep the room with his gaze.

"You have quite an impressive and unique work environment, if I may say so. Is this a common practice for people in your profession?"

I chuckle. It's far from the first time I've heard that question.

"In a way it is, I think. Creating a calming and non-threatening atmosphere is an essential part of our jobs. If a client cannot relax, they usually cannot work with us. Although... hmmm... I've been told that I have taken the principle a little farther than most. But I believe it to be important to ensure this place does not resemble a doctor's office in any way or form. There are already enough of those kinds of rooms in this building."

"Is it that important?"

"I think so. A doctor's office can help but look somewhat clinical. You visit a doctor when there's something wrong with you. That's not something you want in the back of your mind when seeing a mental health professional. That is one of the two reasons."

"And the other?"

"This school is not a mental hospital, and we do not accept students whose condition isn't physical. But the truth is that even physical disabilities sometimes need more than mere physical treatment. Especially when a person's condition came later in life. Accidents have the tendency to also leave marks on a person that are more subtle than missing limbs. We have students in here each year whose conditions are the result of such events and who went through a long period of hospitalization. An office that reminds students of a hospital room would merely rile them up."

Mrs. Satou, who has remained silent until now softly speaks up.

"So your job is to help students suffering from post-traumatic stress?"

"That's correct. All treatment here is voluntary, though our suggestions to them to accept treatment are more persistent with some than they are with others. The treatment is somewhat unofficial, too, so students can have therapy sessions here without having to worry about the social stigma that society usually places on visits to mental health officials."

"What exactly does unofficial treatment mean?"

"I may have worded that a little poorly. The students' visits are unofficial, meaning we try to remain somewhat low-key about them. The treatment itself is a recognized therapy form. Its name is cognitive behavioral therapy. I was hired by this school because I have received official training in it. It has proven to be quite beneficial to people suffering from various anxiety and stress disorders, including post-traumatic stress."

Mister Satou raises an eyebrow.

"I may be mistaken, but is that not a western therapy form? I was not even aware it was practiced in Japan."

That's a surprise. Most people simply nod whenever I mention my specialty.

"You've heard of it?"

"I've read an article about it once while my wife and I were living in Scotland."

"I see. It's not practiced here much. I've actually received my own training abroad. There's still official research going on that's trying to prove that the therapy is... compatible with our country's culture and mindset. I myself have already reached my own conclusions about that, as has the school, but unfortunately my own findings do not qualify as peer-reviewed research. Still, the therapy has a proven track record. *sigh* Just not an official local one."

Mister Satou smirks slightly.

"It must be frustrating to have a specialty that's not widely in demand here."

"To be very honest, I believe our mental healthcare system has a lot of room for growth. I'm not merely talking about getting rid of the extremely strong social stigma associated with psychological conditions, but also about the way we treat them. Most mental hospitals are located about as far from 'proper society' as possible, so it's easier for the rest of the world to pretend that they're not there, and when people are admitted there, they're often being kept there for as long as possible, under as much medication as possible to keep them docile. It's not a system I agree with, but changing it isn't easy. There are quite a few economic interests involved for some to keep the beds filled for as long as possible and the medicine cabinet filled to the brim. Thankfully this school is different."

"I can imagine that you would want to keep students' medication as limited as possible because 'docile' students may not do well on their exams."

I smile.

"Exactly. We're trying to keep our students' lives as normal as possible and go out of our way to prepare them for life as a productive part of society. Hence the school's desire for... hmmm... less intrusive methods of mental health treatment. To be honest, I'm quite fond of this job. I've always loved working with children. They are our country's future, after all."

Maybe I'm rambling on a bit. I take another sip and look at my guests.

"But forgive me. You did not come here to listen to an old therapist vent about the problems in her profession. Let us talk about the reason you are here... Miss Ikezawa."

Mrs. Satou gives me a curious glance.

"Has Hanako had... therapy of any kind before she came here?"

Now there's a question. I strongly suspect she hasn't. Part of me rues that fact. Heaven knows she would have benefitted from it if she'd been properly counseled from the very beginning. The orphanage staff must have known that she wasn't functioning well. Of course, having her committed to a psychiatric hospital, even for a little while, would have had its own issues if word got out somehow. A 'mental patient' label would have been a bigger stigma than even the burns on her face. A stigma that would make it hard for her to get a job or even a place to live. Do you risk placing that kind of alienating label on a child who is already lacking a real home or family?

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss that subject without her permission. I don't think it's very important right now anyway."

Mrs. Satou gives an apologetic nod.

"I apologize. Please forget what I just asked."
03
"Very well. Getting back to the subject at hand; a few months ago I had a conversation with Mister Nakai and your daughter about Miss Ikezawa. I remember urging them to do what they could to make it through their own exams successfully. The idea was for the two of them to become sources of stability in Miss Ikezawa's life. From what I've seen, your daughter has taken that advice to... far greater lengths than I could ever have anticipated. It's... quite the permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Mister Satou gives me a frown.

"That has to be the first time I have heard those words in that particular context. Miss Takawa, if I may... I think all of us are aware of the fact that Hanako's situation is on Lilly's mind a lot. But I hope you are not seriously suggesting that our daughter is responsible for the offer that I have made Hanako. I am still the head of this family, not Lilly, and as such the final responsibility for that decision lies with me. If you deem the decision an unwise one, I would like you to take that up with me as well and leave our daughter out of it."

"Of course. To be honest, it's probably a little early to make a final judgment on whether the offer itself was wise or not. "

"Has she ever told you how she feels about it? Or does that also fall under patient confidentiality?"

"Client confidentiality, Mister Satou, and I'm afraid it does. That said, your offer came during an extremely stressful time for her, so I think it's too early to make a call on it."

"You believe the timing could have been better?"

"Rather than suddenly confronting her with it, you could have consulted me about it first. Your daughter and I somewhat know each other, and she knows how to contact me. I would have been happy to... ahem... subtly test the waters for you without arousing her suspicion. But said water is under the bridge right now, so there's no point in dwelling on that. That said, I'm curious what moved you to undertake such a... unique course of action."

"Unique? Adoptions of adults are extremely common in this country, Miss Takawa. Hanako would be one of many, I assure you. Why, my own brother, who now runs the head office of our company, is an adoptee."

That's not really the answer I was looking for. In fact it almost feels like a deflection.

"Oh yes, adoption of promising male business heirs is quite common here, but Miss Ikezawa is neither male nor a promising heir for your family business. Mister Satou, the adoption of a female adult would be unique enough to make the local news. I do not think you have made the offer for her to join your family because you're hoping to bequeath her your business assets."

He chuckles briefly and then shakes his head.

"No, the family business has nothing to do with this. It is a more personal perspective. As you are no doubt aware, Hanako has done a great deal for our family in its time of need. I believe that it is only appropriate that, now that she is going through a difficult time herself, we make an effort to return the favor. I consider it a matter of honor."

"Yes, I've heard of your hospitalization, and I'm glad you are doing better now. I imagine you are quite grateful to her. Maybe even grateful enough to take on a life-long responsibility such as this. Speaking of which... May I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"What... do you think about marriage?"

"W-What does that have to do with Hanako?"

I'm a little surprised at how defensive Mister Satou suddenly seems. I wonder if I touched a sensitive spot. Still, I'll have to make my point now. At least Mrs. Satou seems willing to humor me and gives me a curious smile.

"Could you elaborate a bit, Miss Takawa?"

"It is a life-long responsibility, wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes, it is."

"Just like a child."

"Yes... just... like a child..."

For just a second I see a profound sadness in her eyes.

"For what reasons would you marry someone?"

"That's quite an embarrassing question."

From the sound of her playful chuckle, I suspect she was merely being polite.

"Hmph, with all due respect, Miss Takawa, I believe you are out of line here."

Mister Satou looks extremely uncomfortable, but his wife doesn't look embarrassed at all. She merely gives me a tender smile.

"There's only one reason I could think of. For myself, at least. I'd have to feel a strong affection for a person in order to marry him."

She throws a quick side glance to her husband and smiles warmly. Her husband sighs, but doesn't respond. I nod.

"What if a person came along for whom you didn't feel this kind of affection, but who did you a favor too great to just ignore. What if, when asked if there was anything you could do in return, that person asked you to marry him. Would you do it? Would you accept that life-long commitment purely out of gratitude? Out of a sense of honor?"

"I..."

Mrs. Satou opens her mouth to answer, but then realization dawns on her face, on both their faces, and there's a long painful silence.

I give the two of them an earnest look.

"I realize you are very grateful to her, but gratitude or obligation alone cannot carry a family. If you merely did this because you felt that you had an obligation to settle, she'll eventually feel that her presence is merely being tolerated and not truly accepted. In fact, I would be surprised if this isn’t something that she has already thought of. A lot."

Mister Satou acknowledges my words with a short nod and a pensive look on his face. His wife, on the other hand, looks completely crushed - not completely unlike her youngest daughter when she found out that Miss Hanako had already left the school grounds. She gives me a pleading look, and her words are little more than a whisper.

"Is that... how Hanako feels? Is that how she thinks?"

There's probably a lot more to it than that, but I'm almost convinced that this is one of the reasons Miss Hanako hasn't accepted their proposal.

"Miss Ikezawa has lived a very hard life, and she is still struggling to regain her faith in other people. Especially when she's feeling down, her resolve to regain it tends to falter from time to time."

"But, this is not how it is... She's... mistaken about us..."

I give her a probing stare.

"Do you love Miss Ikezawa then?"

Mrs. Satou doesn't answer. Her husband, however, gives me defensive look.

"To be honest, we do not know her that well. But I believe you are being a bit unfair. Can couples who visit an orphanage in order to adopt one of the children there say for sure that they know the child? Or love the child? Would you discourage that practice as well?"

I shake my head.

"I wouldn't, but Miss Ikezawa is no ordinary orphan. She's..."

I pause for a moment while searching for the right words.

"...a special needs child, I suppose. It's not all she is. She's a person with her own talents, hopes, dreams and tastes. But she is carrying a lot of baggage around. Very heavy baggage. It's not something that should ever be ignored or dismissed. We are a school here, and common school etiquette says pupils can't be late for class or leave early or ignore the teacher's request to form groups and work together. Yet we make exceptions because we know that Miss Ikezawa's behavior isn't due to a refusal to conform, but due to an inability to. You are right in that it's impossible to really love a person whom you do not truly know yet, but it is possible to accept a person you do not truly know yet. Unconditional acceptance would be required from the very beginning. Imagine..."

I think for a moment before continuing.

"Imagine being at an event - a family reunion or something similar - together with her. All seems fine at first, but at some point something suddenly happens. Something that triggers her anxieties. She panics and runs off. There is an awkward silence around you. People look at her go. Then those people turn their gazes onto you. They say nothing, but you can see the judgment in their eyes. What will you do? Scold Miss Ikezawa for disrupting the harmony and making you lose face in front of your peers? Or go after her to see if she's alright? There's no need to answer this question, but think about it. More than the financial security, she needs the emotional security. A place to feel accepted regardless of what the rest of the world thinks of her. And people..."

I fold my hands and give my guests a solemn stare.

"...who are not merely willing to share her joy and her sorrow, but also - if necessary - her loneliness."

The people in front of me merely nod and for a moment I feel like a school teacher. Then Mister Satou scrapes his throat.

"We will think about what you have told us."

"Thank you. There is one other thing I am a little curious about."

"And what would that be?"

"Now that Miss Ikezawa has failed her entrance exams, what will your daughter do? I recall that she and Miss Ikezawa were set to become roommates if they both passed their exams."

"That is correct. However, I have told Lilly that I would only arrange an apartment for her if she took a roommate. If I know my daughter a little bit, I think she will want to hold out for Hanako, rather than simply pick someone else as her roommate. That would mean she will be spending her first year in the dorms, and we can give the apartment another try next year."

"I can imagine she will be quite disappointed."

"Yes, it is very unfortunate, but it cannot be helped."

"I was wondering... hmmm... if you wouldn't reconsider, for Miss Ikezawa's sake."

It sounds crazy, asking people to reconsider getting an apartment just like that. Especially with the high costs of living space these days. But from what Miss Hanako has told me about their accommodations during their stay in Scotland, I’m fairly confident that money isn't the problem here.

"What does Hanako have to do with this?"

"Your offer to let Miss Ikezawa move in with your daughter was most generous and well-meant, but at the same time it also put a lot of pressure on her. She knew how much your daughter was looking forward to having her own little place, and that that prospect is now gone because of her. There's no doubt that the feeling of having failed your daughter was one of the reasons Miss Ikezawa chose to leave here early. If you were to reconsider, you'd surely spare Miss Ikezawa a tremendous burden this year."

Mister Satou huffs.

"I understand what you are saying, but surely you see potential problems with leaving a blind girl on her own in a town she does not know."

"There will be challenges, sure, but we have blind students graduating here every year and several of them go on to live relatively independent lives. Your daughter has had 19 years to adapt to her lack of eyesight, and people like her tend to have more coping strategies than we can even imagine. From what I have heard, your daughter is one of the most self-reliant students of her class. She may need a month - maybe two, but she'll adapt eventually."

"That still leaves us with one or two months of her needing oversight."

"Perhaps one of you could be her temporary roommate - until she's grown accustomed to her new place."

"Hmmmm..."

A short pause and then Mrs. Satou turns to her husband.

"Maybe... I could be that roommate? For a little while. You already started your new job after all. The two of us would be living separately for a little while, but... I kind of owe Lilly something, don't I?"

"Karla, let us speak about this at home."

"Alright. Just remember that sometimes you have to endure some short-term hardships in order to make a positive difference in the long run."

For a split-second I see Mister Satou smile as if enjoying some private joke.

I open my notebook, thumb through a few pages and then write a phone number from one of the pages onto my business card.

"If you intend to follow through with this, please call this number. It's the number of our mobility instructors' office. They're the ones helping our blind students navigate the campus when they first get here, among other things. Surely one of them knows your daughter. They can tell you everything you need to know about helping your daughter adapt as quickly as possible."

"Thank you for all your help."

"Perhaps you should return to your daughters and do what you can to celebrate your youngest daughter's exam results."

"We will."

We get up, and I start putting the bowls that used to hold the tea away. Mister Satou is already preparing to leave the room, but his wife seems to hesitate. When he gives her a quizzical look, she merely smiles.

"I'll be right with you."

"Very well."

As her husband leaves the office, Mrs. Satou walks up to me and gives me an unsure smile.

"I've... been thinking a little bit about what you said. My husband's... usually pretty sensitive about what others think of him."

I nod.

"I think most of us are. We are very much a group-based society. Peer pressure and avoiding loss of face are some of the cornerstones of our culture."

"But I don't think he'd scold her, even if her anxieties caused trouble. That night he came home after that train wreck of an open house day, he seemed genuinely troubled by what happened to Hanako. It usually takes a lot to rattle him. I think... his first reaction might be to apologize to others if she accidentally caused a scene, but I'm sure he'd also go and see if she's alright afterwards. He has to."

"You seem quite certain."

She smiles sadly at me.

"Our daughters would never forgive us if we messed something like this up. We might lose them permanently."

"I suppose the principle can work both ways."

"I'm not sure what you're planning to recommend to Hanako, but... she can come to us if she ever needs a place to stay. We could even arrange for her to have her own little place if she needs some extra space. The costs are not a problem. Our family has done pretty well... financially."

"I think the best thing to do would be to leave this matter in her hands from now on. If she were to decide to rely on you or accept your offer at some point, she'll probably do so when she feels the time is right. If she decides not to, there's no need to ever bring it up again."

"Alright. I'll tell my husband and our daughters."

She gives me a thorough look-over, almost as if analyzing me.

"I was impressed by how passionate you were about the situation with Hanako just now. You... really seem to care about her."

I chuckle.

"Aside from being a therapist, I also play the role of counselor from time to time here. I'm merely looking out for the best interests of those placed under my supervision. But I care a lot about the work I do."

"You said before that you loved working with children."

I smile warmly.

"I do. I hope I can keep doing this job for a long time."

"Do you have any children?"

"I've had many over the years."

"I mean... Do you have any children of your own?"

I shake my head.

"If you were faced with the decision - between being able to play an important role in the lives of many, or merely in the lives of a few... What would your choice be, Mrs. Satou?"

"I wish this sort of thing wouldn't have to be a choice to begin with."

The woman in front of me gives me a long look, and her gaze sends an uncomfortable shiver down my spine. I struggle for a moment to maintain my smile. There's a hint of sadness and quiet understanding in her eyes, but most of all there's... pity. I give a short cough.

"Is there anything else you wish to know?"

Mrs. Satou shakes her head.

"I'd better get back. Lilly's probably wondering what's keeping me."

"Please give my regards to your daughter."

"I will. Goodbye Miss Takawa. And good luck with Hanako."

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