June has not been a good month for my heart. Girl problems all around. This story goes quite a ways back, with a girl I'm going to call Parisa. I probably could safely use her real name here since I doubt she knows what a Visual Novel is, but I'll stick with this alias.
My senior year of high school sucked. I was "mature" for my age, and I don't tolerate stupid people so I got along well with my upperclassmen. Nearly all of my friends were older than me. Most of them female, yet seeing other people so I had no chance to date them. The advice I heard around was since it's high school they'll probably break up with their boyfriend anyway, and that'll be my chance to slide in. A healthy romantic relationship needs a foundation of a healthy friendship, so I befriended them, keeping my crush silent. Turns out, they either kept dating their boyfriends, or for the one that did break up, decided to "friend zone" me. Her exact method of doing that ruined my friendship with her, but that's partially my fault and really has nothing to do with this story.
Anyway, my senior year of high school sucked. My friends were gone, leaving me behind. I tried to distract myself with video games, and stumbled on a flash game site that had a chat box on the side. I met Parisa there, through that chat box, and we became quick friends since we were the few intelligent people on this site. In a way, she was probably just as lonely as me as she was homeschooled and didn't have a strong social life. I think because we were both so lonely and the fact that I treated her like a human we started to strongly care for each other, and started cyberdating. And by that, I mean we sent *kisses* to each other, but also opened up to each others hearts.
Parisa practically carried me through that year, and when the summer came around I got a car and learned to drive. Parisa only lived an hour and a half away from me, but for two people that can't drive, that's an eternity away. I wanted to meet up with her, to take this relationship to something real since both of us weren't too thrilled with not being able to see each other. But her father was strict, and she chickened out and couldn't bring up the courage to ask his permission to meet up. The only reason I cyberdated her was because there was that vague possibility we could meet, and with that gone, we broke up, but kept in contact. I was going into college and my parents were moving out. For most of the first semester at college, I was completely alone, and I remember begging her not to leave me to because I needed someone to talk to. And we kept in contact.
I loved Parisa more than she loved me back. Ironically we started college about the same time because her homeschooling allowed her to graduate early. As friends, she kept pressuring me to go out and meet other women, but that was difficult for me because I'm so awkwardly quiet. It didn't help that the girls I DID meet had the exact same problem I had back in high school: dating someone else. I couldn't even turn back to Parisa (and oh did I try) because she too started dating someone where she lived, but we stayed as friends. That summer, we tried to take advantage of her new freedom to meet up. Although she still relied on her parents for transportation, we found a way to meet behind their backs at a weekly D&D event at her table-top games store. It was perfect, like we had known each other our whole life, despite meeting in the flesh for the first time. After our first meeting, she broke up with her boyfriend, and we grew serious again. This time I wanted to make it happen for real. We met up again, but one of her other friends noticed how close we were, and a few days later asked her out. And again she chose someone near her than me.
I was heartbroken like I never had been before. Although I had friends of my own, I've always been terrible at contacting them when I don't have a regular time and place to see them. The only person who could help me through this pain was Parisa herself...and this was quite possibly the stupidest thing I could have ever done...yet somehow it worked, as a testament to our friendship. We don't call each other best friends for nothing. Over time she fought for freedom from her parents and now we meet up a bit more often, usually once every few months we our work schedules mesh. As I watched her relationship with her new boyfriend grow stably and happily, she kept pressuring me to pursue some of my female friends. For the most part that wasn't successful but that's always been my luck. But, if it weren't for her it would have taken me months (instead of weeks) to build up the courage to ask out the girl of my previous relationship. (You know,
this one.)
Since I started therapy, I've been thinking a lot of my habits, especially when it comes to my romantic life. Especially my "waiting for her to be single again" strategy which has not worked at all. Maybe I've been fortunate that none of the women I've waited for ever broke up, and for the ones that did, they didn't want to date me. It's probably not the best way to start a relationship with someone, and with my co-dependency issues, it's almost certainly a bad way for me. Although I
still hold some romantic feelings for Parisa after all these years, I've since come to accept that she no longer and probably will not feel that way back for me. Yet she is my closest friend, and that's what I truly treasure about her. Besides, I'm about to move to another college which will put another hour between us. It still isn't much in the grand scheme of things, since she still refuses to drive makes meeting up a challenge already.
A few hours ago Parisa told me she broke up with her boyfriend, and all my resolve shattered. I've been wanting to see her again just to hang out with her since we haven't seen each other in a few months, and now we have plans to meet up next Monday. I'm really scared, for both of us. I'm scared for her because her method of dealing with this is to completely isolate herself from all her mutual friends with her ex-boyfriend and I don't want her to be depressed and lonely. I'm scared for myself because if there was one girl I could have wished for my "wait for her to be single again" strategy could work for, it would be Parisa.
Now my wish came true.
I really do not want to do something stupid, and there is a great deal of potential for this. I do not want to take advantage of her, and I don't want her to take advantage of me (although I'm pretty certain she won't, I'm not fully sure what's going on with her at the moment). I think I might play through Hanako's route again to remind myself why caring too much for someone can be toxic. One of the things I've learned in therapy that is to not care (or rather, care-take) for someone, but to nurture someone to help them become someone greater. i think right now that means I need to distance myself from Parisa. I'm not going to cancel our plans, since she did say she wanted to see me, but I need to tread very lightly.
Sorry for the wall of text. I think I started this out hoping to ask whether this was a smart idea...but I think I may have found my answers.
) but I dont know what to say. Sometimes thinking it through/writing it down can help you clear your mind and come to your own conclusion which seems to be what you have done. I did that also but I didnt post, I just wrote in notepad and saved it ^^. I think your conclusion is solid, you just gotta stay calm and keep your head