"O-okay," Hanako says quietly. I'm not sure what's going on with her right now, and part of me wishes I could stay. However, it's probably best that I take Lilly's hint after all and leave.
"Okay, then. Give me a call when you've decided. I know you and Hanako can handle things from here, so I'll talk to you both later." I start to leave, but turn back just before opening the door. "Oh, and since I haven't officially said it: welcome back, Lilly."
"Thank you, Hisao, and good night."
"Good night, both of you."
"G-good night, Hisao."
I walk out of Hanako's room and close the door behind me. While I'm not quite as discombobulated as I was the last time I was there, the events of tonight still threw me for a loop. What puzzles me most is Hanako's reaction to the fact that I know her hallmate. It feels like whatever clarity I thought I had this afternoon is starting to cloud over again. Lilly obviously noticed, and she was probably right to herd me out the door, but in the end I would have preferred that she left so that I could talk to Hanako myself. The clouds seem to part a lot more easily when we're alone together.
In the end, at least Lilly was able to take control of the situation. It's what I'd been trying but failing to do, apparently stumbling my way into another error in the process. As a result, I once again had to allow Lilly to lead the way, while I had to go right back to being a leaf. Out of everything that happened tonight, that was the most frustrating.
Despite all that, I can't deny that it feels good to have Lilly back, especially now that she's confirmed that she's staying permanently. It's strange to think she'd been gone for less than two weeks, but I suppose that explains how quickly it felt normal for us to start teasing each other. It was so natural that I almost didn't notice Hanako's reaction to it, which I'm hoping was just her insecurity temporarily getting the better of her.
Just another reason I wish I was the one talking to her right now...
I get back to my own room, still feeling somewhat agitated. Despite that, I collapse onto my bed, worn out by the effects of the long day and hoping I can get at least some sleep. Out of habit I stare up at the bare ceiling that I've now come to loathe. Annoyed at myself, I turn over onto my side, and now I'm staring at Rin's drawing instead. In my half-awake state, the interpretation I'd formulated the other day comes to mind. I need to stop being a leaf, but...what do I need to
start being? I need a paradigm to replace that one...maybe lines of motion wouldn't be a bad one to adopt...was Rin trying to tell me something? Maybe I'll have the answer to that when I wake up.
* * * *
Unfortunately, when I wake up the only thing I know for sure is that I'm restless. Even though I slept reasonably well, last night's events still have me feeling uneasy. Usually, that would mean I'd be looking forward to my morning run, but today I'm not so sure. That's because right now, Emi is also on the list of things that are making me uneasy.
Since I doubt Emi will be ready to talk about whatever's been bothering her for the past couple of days, I'm less than enthusiastic as I get dressed and make my way down to the track. Still, the sight of her waving to me at the bottom of the hill with a smile could never fail to lift my spirits. That feeling is tempered a bit by the telltale dark circles under Emi's eyes, which tell me I'm the only one of us who slept well.
"Hey, Hisao!" Emi says when I get down to the track. It's no different than the greeting I've gotten most other days, but like yesterday it throws me off. With a wink, she continues, "Looks like you survived yesterday after all."
This morning, I decide to play along and see if I get any better results, so I chuckle at her teasing and respond in kind. "I'd mention how you look, but I'm too much of a gentleman." For that, I get both a punch to the arm
and a stuck-out tongue. I laugh, a little more sincerely, and start to stretch out. Emi seems to be in a better mood, so maybe I was right about things working out yesterday. I decide to test the theory. "Seriously, though..."
Before I even get a sentence out, Emi immediately looks away from me. "You know how it works, Hisao," she says testily. "You wanna talk, you gotta run first."
Yeah, that went well.
Neither of us says anything as we move out onto the track. Emi still hasn't looked back at me, and at the moment I'm wary of doing anything to disrupt things. Once we actually start running, though, this has the unfortunate side effect of distracting me and breaking my rhythm. Since my running partner is keeping a close eye on me again today, she notices even before we round the first turn.
"Come on, Hisao!" she shouts from a couple of paces ahead. "Your form is way off! Get those legs moving right!"
Despite my efforts to focus, I'm the subject of similar exhortations periodically over the next three laps. I can see the frustration growing on Emi's face until finally, halfway through the fourth lap, she slows down to run alongside me. "Hisao," she says, "do you need to stop, or do you think you can do these last two laps?"
Although there's concern in her voice, in her eyes I can see that she's challenging me. I can appreciate both sentiments, but right now the second is the one I feel like I need to respond to. Although I'm not feeling quite as good as yesterday, my heart rate isn't too bad, and two more laps
shouldn't be a problem. "I can handle it," I say as lightly as possible.
"If you say so, Hisao," Emi says, her eyes flickering just a bit. "I'm ready for my sprints, so you're on your own now." With that, she quickly accelerates away from me, and is well into the back stretch before I'm past the first turn.
I do my best not to be distracted further, but it's no use. I feel like my body won't respond at all by the time I finish, but at least I make it through all six laps. I put my hands behind my head and do my best to cool down, and Emi soon slows down to join me. I turn to her with a grimace and say, "Sorry about my performance. I just have a lot on my mind, and couldn't get myself to focus."
Emi surprises me by turning to me with a grin. "Don't sweat it, Hisao. Knowing what happened last night, I kinda figured it would go like this today. At least you made it through all six laps without feeling like you needed to stop, right?"
"Yeah, that's true," I say with a nod.
"That's good!" When I look at her doubtfully, she sighs. "Think about it, Hisao. A couple weeks ago, you wouldn't have even made it through four laps in your state. Now you can do six, and your runner's high never even kicked in! I think we might be able to start pushing you a little bit more." A wicked grin spreads across her face. "If you're up to it tomorrow, maybe we can try picking up the pace a little."
"You sure I shouldn't go a little more now?" I ask, only half-joking.
"Easy there, Hisao," Emi says, moving a little closer with a stern look on her face. "You know better than that."
"Whoa! I was kidding!" Emi quickly backs off, and I continue, "You're right, though, I never did feel like I was getting to the place where I can get my head clear. Still, are you sure another step forward so soon is a good thing?"
"Hmmm...like I said, you have to feel up to it, so no promises!" Emi's mischievous grin returns as she continues, "So, what
did happen when you saw Lilly last night?"
"That's...a long story. I wouldn't mind talking about it, though. Lilly went into town with Hanako, so I've got nothing planned for the rest of the day." Even if we don't talk about what's going on with her, this would be a good chance to spend time with Emi. If nothing else, I want to get past this feeling that she's pulling away.
Unfortunately, what she says next only reinforces that feeling. "Um, sorry, Hisao," Emi says with a contrite expression, "but I promised Rin I'd have lunch with her, and after that I've got to go home and help Mom out with something."
I sigh in disappointment, but say nothing else about the matter for now. It's frustrating, but I don't want to jump to conclusions that might cause trouble for me. "Well, another time, I hope," I say, a tinge of bitterness seeping into my voice. "The short version is that picking her up went smoothly, but that was about the only thing that did. I was able to get Hanako to come with me, at least, but everything felt kind of awkward."
Emi turns to me, looking oddly bemused. "Heh...half of me expected you to say that when you saw her, you rushed to her side, said you never wanted her to leave again, and then declared your undying love. You know, like in one of those old movies?"
I raise an eyebrow in response. "Why would you think that, exactly?"
Emi scrunches up her face a bit as she responds. "Well, it's just...you know, the two of you used to give off that impression, I guess, like you'd just stepped out of a romance novel or something." She stops and waves her hand dismissively. "Well, you said Hanako was there, and things got awkward, right? Maybe that's why nothing happened. You haven't been alone with Lilly yet, have you?"
I now have no real idea where this conversation is supposed to be going. "No, I haven't," I say, getting a bit annoyed, "and I'm not really sure why I'd want to be. What does that have to do with anything?"
Emi takes a step back, startled at my outburst. "Whoa, Hisao, just hear me out! I think you probably need to do this, if for no other reason than to make sure you're over her. If you can look her in the eye, with no distractions around you, and still come away saying you don't have any feelings for her, then you can probably be sure."
Thinking about it, it's not a bad idea. It's one thing to say things are over from halfway across the world, but when the other person is right there in the same room it's another story. It would be good to know that without any doubts before I do move on to another relationship. Still, there's one piece of what she said that I can't let pass. "Um, you do know I can't really look her in the eye, right?" I say jokingly.
Emi stops walking and gives me a playful shove in return. "You
know that's not what I meant, Hisao. I mean, look her straight in the face, and don't think of anything else. Like..."
As I turn to face her, I notice her looking straight at me, as if to demonstrate what she means. My own eyes are drawn in, and just for a moment it's as though someone threw a switch in the back of my head. It's as if the clarity I wanted when I was running is there, if I can just get a hold of it...
...but then Emi yanks her eyes away, and it's gone. "...that," she finishes, with a completely different tone than when she started. Her face has gone red, and I know mine has, too. I'm sure I saw a flicker of...
something in Emi's eyes. She fidgets for a few moments before saying, "So...um...we'd...better get to the nurse, Hisao." She quickly heads off the track, leaving me to catch up once again.
She stops at the door to the auxiliary building. When I get there, she says, "The way you looked out there, you should probably go first again. It didn't look like you injured anything, but you never know."
As we enter the building, I reply, "Well, I can't argue with you when you put it like that." I smile in her direction, but she continues to avoid looking at me as I walk past her into the nurse's office. Somehow, that bothers me even more now.
Once my examination ends uneventfully, I ask the nurse straight out. "So, has Emi said anything to you about the other night?"
"Funny, I was about to ask you the same question," he replies with a grim smile. "Besides, even if she had, you know I couldn't tell you what she said."
"Yeah, I know," I say with a sigh. After thinking about it for a moment, I continue, "That doesn't matter, though, does it? I was just hoping that she was talking to
someone."
"Even if it's me, hmmm?" he says with a wink.
I start to say, "I didn't mean..." but the nurse quickly stops me with a laugh.
"I know, I know. Still, I'm guessing you'd prefer it was you, right?" I can't deny that, although I'm a bit embarrassed by it, so I don't say anything. That only prompts another laugh. "So, what happened this morning? Anything I need to know?"
"Well, we did get to talk a little. The problem is that it was mostly me talking and her listening."
"I meant physically, Hisao." I mentally curse myself as the nurse continues to grin at me. "So, the natural order of things was reversed again, hm? Well, I'm not surprised she still isn't talking about it to either of us. She does have this annoying habit of pretending unpleasant things didn't happen, after all."
"Yeah, so I'm beginning to notice. I'm not giving up on that, either, though."
"Well, in that case, I hope beating your head against a brick wall is something you enjoy," he says, sounding both frustrated and amused. "She's going to try her best to get you to give up."
"I know. I also know that I've learned a thing or two about being stubborn recently. I just hope it's enough."
The nurse looks at me steadily and says, "In that case, I'll just wish you good luck. I'd better let Emi in so we can see if one of us might have better luck getting her to talk today."
"I guess I should wish you good luck, too."
Nurse winks at me, but says nothing, and I wonder what he might have up his sleeve. I'd feel sorry for whomever was his target, but knowing it's Emi I settle for chuckling and being disappointed I won't get to watch the show.
As I leave the office, I see Emi in the hallway, fidgeting again. "Your turn," I say, and as she turns to me she looks relieved. Still, I can't help but tease her a bit, so as I walk by I put my hand on her shoulder. "Better watch out, he's in one of his
moods today."
Somewhat surprisingly, she almost seems to get
more antsy at the gesture. "Yeah," she says, a hesitant smile on her face. "I'll...see you tomorrow, Hisao..."
I really wish I knew what this was all about.
When her voice trails off, I add, "Morning run, don't forget?"
Emi's smile firms up a little as she says, "I won't if you won't! Later, Hisao!" before dashing into the nurse's office.
I linger outside the door for a moment, but I decide that eavesdropping would be a bad idea. I take a deep breath before starting on my way back to the dorm. I'm really not looking forward to the aches I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel after my shower.
About halfway along the path, I hear a familiar, rhythmic tapping sound. I look up to see Lilly coming down towards me, her cane swinging somewhat lazily back and forth in front of her. I keep walking until I'm close enough that I don't have to shout, then say, "Good morning, Lilly."
"Oh," Lilly says with a hint of surprise, "good morning, Hisao. I thought that might be you approaching, but I didn't expect to meet you here."
"Actually, I was just on my way back from the nurse's office."
"My, my, Hisao," she says with a light chuckle. "I hope you didn't strain yourself last night."
"No, nothing like that. Since I'm still new to my running routine, and I've been having...other issues, he just wants me to come in every morning for a while."
"Running?" Lilly says, furrowing her brow in thought. "Ah, yes, you mentioned that you'd started some sort of training with Emi Ibarazaki. Has that been causing you trouble?"
There's an understandable hint of doubt in Lilly's voice. When we were dating, I must have seemed pretty fragile, and it didn't help that I wasn't particularly diligent about taking my medications. "No, quite the contrary, I think it's been doing me some good. I feel like I have more energy lately, at least. What about you? Why are you headed down there?"
Lilly sighs heavily. "I need to fill out the paperwork regarding my return to Yamaku. More importantly, I need to pick up the key to my room. I called Akira after you left last night, and she's arranged to have the rest of my things shipped overnight. So, it seems I will need to have someplace to put them by tomorrow."
"That would explain why you're up so early," I say teasingly. "Having second thoughts about that trip to town yet?"
Lilly groans slightly. "I'm well beyond second thoughts and on to about fifth or sixth. Hanako had to nearly drag me into the shower this morning. I really do want to spend the day with her, so I endured."
She smiles at her self-deprecating comment, and so do I. "Well, I probably shouldn't keep you, then. I know how long that kind of thing can take. There are some things I'd like to talk to you about soon, though."
Lilly's usual smile brightens a bit, and she replies, "Something about you and Hanako?"
"Well...yeah, that's part of it." At that, her smile fades again. "It would take too long to explain right now, and as I said, I don't want to keep you. Maybe we could meet sometime after lunch tomorrow?"
Lilly's face falls slightly further. "I'd like that, but I'm not sure that would be wise. After talking to Hanako last night, I believe she's afraid I want to rekindle our relationship. The two of us spending time alone together might be...misinterpreted."
That thought sends a chill up my spine. I knew Hanako had some reservations about Lilly's return, but I didn't think that was part of it.
And here I am thinking about testing my own feelings. Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.
"That wasn't the impression I had yesterday," I say, choosing my words carefully, "although admittedly there were some things she did say that bothered me. I guess I'll have to trust your judgment on the matter."
Lilly thinks for a moment before answering. "We should probably wait and decide after I've spoken with Hanako this afternoon. Hopefully, I'll have an opportunity to evaluate her feelings on the matter. I'll let you know how things went tonight."
"All right, then. I'll talk to you later. Hopefully you two will at least be able to enjoy yourselves this afternoon."
"Hopefully indeed," she says, her smile a bit grim. "Until later, Hisao."
The two of us part company and I continue up the path to the dormitory. What Lilly said about Hanako's concerns only adds to my uneasiness. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes, especially given what I now know she believed about my relationship with Emi. It might also explain her reaction to the fact that I know Noriko.
Well, I suppose every other part of my body is going to ache, so my head might as well join them.
Once I get back to my room, I take my medications, then take a long shower. By the time I finish, it's nearly lunch time, so I decide to take a walk down to the cafeteria. I haven't talked to Yoshi since that day at the Shanghai, so I still don't know what happened with Yuuko. After that, I figure I can stop by the Student Council room again. Maybe I can find out what Shizune wanted to tell me the other day.
When I arrive at the cafeteria, it's fairly quiet, with no sign of Yoshi. I'm pretty hungry, so I go over to the counter and grab something almost at random, then sit down at one of the empty tables. I've only taken a couple of bites when I hear a vaguely familiar voice from behind me.
"Do you mind if I join you?"
I look over my shoulder, and suddenly feel my stomach drop. Standing behind me is the person I've been doing my best to avoid these past several days. "N-Noriko?" I say, forcing her name out.
"So, you're that happy to see me, huh? Tsk." She shakes her head, frowning. "So, can I sit, or not?"
I really would prefer that she didn't join me, but I don't want to be rude. For that matter, I'm not even sure
why I'm avoiding her beyond just that first impression. "Okay, then," I say, trying to sound neutral. It comes out sounding harsh even to my own ears.
Noriko either didn't notice or doesn't care, as she walks to the other side of the table with her tray and sits across from me. We eat in silence for a while, and I can't help but notice her watching me intently. I suddenly feel a bit like a salmon under the gaze of an o-washi.
After several minutes like that, she suddenly says, "Ibarazaki too, huh?" I nearly choke on the bread I was chewing, but manage to swallow it. I stare back at Noriko, with a little bit of anger but even more disbelief at the directness of the statement. "You really do work fast, Hisao. You haven't even been here three months."
I put my chopsticks down and fold my hands in front of me. "Look, I have a feeling you're misunderstanding something here. What exactly do you mean by "Ibarazaki too"?"
Between bites, Noriko narrows her eyes at me. "Come on, Hisao, you can't be
that dense. Rumours may slow down during the break, but they don't go into hibernation. Everyone knows about you and the Fastest Thing kissing the other day. If Ikezawa's not enough for you, my door's still open."
That comment pushes disbelief out the window, and anger takes over. "Look," I say quietly through gritted teeth, "not that any of this is your business, but let me make one thing clear. I don't care what you think about me, but you have no right to say anything about Hanako or Emi."
Noriko doesn't react other than to take another mouthful of rice. "All right, Hisao, I'll play it your way. Maybe you
are that dense, and I was being too subtle. I wasn't trying to insult anybody, even if they deserve it, so you don't have to come riding to anyone's rescue on my account. I'm just letting you know that if you want somebody to fuck, no strings attached, you let me know. Clear enough for you now?"
"Yeah, I got that already," I say, feeling the vague nausea that I felt the first time we met returning. "So please, allow me to be just as clear that I'm going to decline your offer."
Noriko's face remains impassive as she shrugs and takes a sip of her juice. "Okay."
I blink a couple of times at the nonchalance with which she says this. "That's...it?"
Noriko rolls her eyes at my response. "Yeah, Hisao, that's it. What did you expect? Did you think I'd sit here and confess to you or something?" She laughs bitterly as she says that. "Yeah, maybe you did, the way girls have been falling all over you since you got here. I suppose that's why I asked you in the first place. I figured there must be more to you than meets the eye." Her eyes briefly dart downward. "But, if you're not interested, you're not interested. You're not the first to turn me down, and you sure as hell won't be the last."
"No doubt," I mutter under my breath, and she...laughs? I'm not sure what reaction I expected, but it wasn't that. This girl definitely knows how to throw a person off balance. "That doesn't bother you?"
"It should, shouldn't it?" she says, still smiling oddly. "If it did, though, I wouldn't keep doing it." She finishes the last bite of her lunch, puts her chopsticks down, then puts her chin in her hand, all without taking her eyes off of me. "But it bothers you, huh?"
"Yeah, a little," I admit truthfully. "Most people I know don't handle rejection very well, especially that kind." My mind goes back to the scene that played out with Hanako just before I met Noriko, followed by the scene at the Shanghai with Lilly. I'm surprised to find myself saying aloud, "I'm not very good at it myself."
Noriko tilts her head to one side. "Huh. Didn't expect you to say that." She shrugs, then drains what's left of her juice. "Eh, I'm not exactly known for my ability to read people anyway. I used to be like you, too, but when you find out you'll be dead in a few years, rejection isn't so scary anymore."
Once again, I can't do anything but blink in response. You'd think by now that a revelation like that wouldn't shock me, but it's still easy sometimes to forget where I am. I search my mind for a response that wouldn't seem inappropriate until settling on, "Yeah, I can see how that would happen."
Noriko smiles again, leaning back and crossing her arms. "You're good, Hisao. That almost sounded natural. Not many people can pull that off after just a few months here. Unless..." For a moment, Noriko pauses, and her face clouds over. "...you're in the same boat." She must see my grim expression at that statement, and she frowns. "Well, that would change things a little."
"Change...what? I'm not sure I'm even following you anymore."
"Not following me...ugh." Her head drops, and she throws her hands in the air in frustration. "I guess I need to spell this out, too. When the doctors told me I wouldn't live to see twenty-five, I decided I didn't want to just mope around and bemoan my fate. I was going to have as many experiences as I could, even if it meant I didn't live to see twenty. One of the first things I did was lose my virginity. I enjoyed it enough that I decided I wanted to have as much sex as possible before I died. It just occurred to me that...well, like I said, if you're in the same boat, you might be doing it for the same reason."
Her voice trails off, and her expression remains clouded. While I think a little comprehension is finally dawning in my head, I feel like there's something I need to say. "I'm...not doing anything like that. I'm not even sure why anyone thinks that I am." I look down at the tray with my half-eaten lunch on it and push it aside. "I've had enough trouble with that kind of misunderstanding without you adding to it. I'm sorry you got the wrong impression, but that's all there is to it."
Noriko laughs again, and I have to bite back my anger. "I came to that conclusion already, Hisao. But you know, if it's causing you problems, you probably shouldn't have let me sit down. It's not going to help your case with Ikezawa, that's for sure."
I wince at that, knowing it's true. I'll just have to deal with that as soon as I can. "You're right about that. I got the impression that she doesn't like you very much."
Noriko shrugs. "I can't say I like her much either, but then I don't know her. I don't put a lot of stock in the opinion of someone who hasn't said more than two words at a time to me, hermit or not. So, anyway, Hisao, what's your story? How long have you got?"
The sudden shift in gears throws me off for a second, but I quickly realize what she means. "Actually, it's not like that." I pause, trying to decide how much I should tell her, but I suppose I at least owe her the courtesy of being as specific as she was. "I could live a normal lifespan, if I'm really lucky. If I'm really unlucky, I could die today."
Noriko turns her appraising eyes on me again. "Huh. For a second there, you sounded a little like somebody in my class. You don't happen to know Katayama, do you?"
I think for a second, as the name sounds familiar, but I can't place it. "I don't think so."
"Eh, too bad. I'd introduce you, but she's not around right now. I think she might be back in the hospital. Anyway, I kind of look up to her a little, although she probably wouldn't be happy if she knew that."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because one day I hope I get the chance to go out in a blaze of glory, or at least trying to. Heh, I guess that's one of the reasons I've been a little more forceful in talking to you. I thought you might be a kindred spirit, and it would be kind of cool to have someone else along for the ride, right?" Noriko smiles sadly. "Guess it won't be you after all."
"No," I say grimly, "I guess it won't. I plan on trying to live as long as I can."
Noriko shrugs again. "Good for you, I guess. Me, I just want to live as
much as I can, you know? Given that you could die at any time, you might want to start thinking about that, too."
As I'm processing that, Noriko grabs her tray and starts to get up. Before she does I say, "So, why did you tell me all this anyway?"
For the first time since we met, I see what looks like a sincere smile on Noriko's face. "Eh, I've been wanting to tell someone for a while. You're just the first one who kept listening once I got going." She laughs a bit, and then her more typical bitter smile returns. "Guess I have the answer to my question now." She finally gets up to leave, and as she walks by me she swats me on the shoulder. "Hang on to my number, Hisao. You never know when you might need it."
I start to reply that I won't, but swallow my words as she walks away. Still feeling an odd mix of emotions, I wait until I'm sure Noriko is long gone and my own head is clear to leave the cafeteria. My first destination is the Student Council room, but when I get there I find the door locked. Most likely Shizune and Misha just went down to The Shanghai for lunch, but right now I don't feel like waiting for them. After talking to Noriko, I feel like I need to
do something.
Since there's nothing to do around here, and I don't want to run into Lilly and Hanako, I decide to go into the city. There were a couple of book stores there that I've been meaning to check out, and since the library won't be open for another couple of weeks I could use some reading material. I leave the main building and head for the front gate.
Maybe this is the way to clear my head, too.
~~~~
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). I've always been of the mind that since my work is derivative of 4LS' own, I think it'd be more than a little hypocritical to deny someone the chance to use a character I created in that same staid. I generally ask them to keep her in character and at least give me some attribution, but it's not like I'm going to freak out if they don't.
)