Iwanako: Mean Time to Breakdown {updated 2015-4-1}

[Shaztrot]

This is great. I've always wondered why Iwanako doesn't get more attention.

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[Helbereth]

Well, I started writing this post like three hours ago(then I took a nap), so perhaps some of the issues have been mentioned, but I'm not about to go changing things now.

“All right,” he says, gesturing to the top of the paper.

I'm reasonably certain you meant Alright.

But, faced with a shortened lifespan, is it better to carry on as normal, or should you let go of your inhibitions and live like it’s the end of the world?

Instead of using the secondary pronouns 'you' and 'your', you might consider the personal pronouns 'I' and 'my', or the non-specific 'one' and 'their'.

Since your narrator is the main character, and the story is told through their eyes, having them use secondary pronouns in the exposition can sound like they're preaching directly at the reader. That's something more common in third-person perspective. Instead, the personal or general forms make it sound like they're talking to themselves, or just about anyone in general.

looking slightly confused..

Is that an attempted ellipse, or an extra period?

To my considerable relief, she invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunchtime today, saving me from another silent lunch break with Shizune, but my unfamiliarity with the other students and the multidirectional nature of the group conversation has made it embarrassingly easy to withdraw from.

This seems like a place where the sentence just goes on too long. Though grammatically correct, you might consider:
"...Shizune. However, my..."

Also, don't be afraid to use a comma after break words like 'and', 'because' or 'but', as they help break the sentence into easy-to-handle chunks--it helps with pacing.

Susano’o

Is that intentional...?

...but those people are bores.

I think she means 'boors', which is an insult meaning 'uncultured', rather than calling them sedentary.

The only other issue I see is a rather consistent use of 'I' to start paragraphs, which is technically alright, but has a tendency to overwhelm the reader with a character's narcissism. That might actually be fine considering the internal monologue about the possibility of her being a narcissist, but in that case it should be reduced to parts of the narrative meant to highlight that kind of trait.

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[Helbereth]

I'm reasonably certain you meant Alright.

Apparently that's not actually a word. I looked it up and was very surprised.

I'll just leave this here.

It's a dialogue thing.

diatribe on I narcissism

Thanks, I hadn't realized I was doing that. I'll try to be more aware of that in the future.

I'm guilty of having done it in TD early on quite a lot... I eventually figured out ways to construct sentences without starting with 'I', and usually only permit myself a few instances of starting a sentence that way (never a paragraph) in each chapter.

Did you pick up on the reference to Tomorrow's Doom?

The pool description? Yeah. The saline water threw me off, though (Aiko complains about the chlorinated water burning her eyes, and needing a shower afterward to remove the chlorine smell). I had a moment of giddy bliss reading your description, even though it took me a bit of math to figure out that 8 meters is ~30 feet. I'm also almost sure you described Joyce as the lifeguard.

[griffon8]

I'm reasonably certain you meant Alright.

Apparently that's not actually a word. I looked it up and was very surprised.

Darn right. Just because you think you're saying 'alright', doesn't make it correct. It's like people thinking they say 'must of' instead of 'must've'.

Is that an attempted ellipse, or an extra period?

The latter.

Oops.

I think she means 'boors', which is an insult meaning 'uncultured', rather than calling them sedentary.

Fixed. I should have picked up on that one.

Sheesh, I should have as well.

Obviously, I'm a little rusty in the editing department.

[Leaty]

The pool description? Yeah. The saline water threw me off, though (Aiko complains about the chlorinated water burning her eyes, and needing a shower afterward to remove the chlorine smell). I had a moment of giddy bliss reading your description, even though it took me a bit of math to figure out that 8 meters is ~30 feet. I'm also almost sure you described Joyce as the lifeguard.

Heh. Well, technically salinated pools are chlorinated, they're just cleaner since the chlorine self-recycles. And yeah, I intentionally kept it vague but that lifeguard is pretty much supposed to be Joyce.

[Eprlide]

Another good chapter for this story. I can say I've been here since the first post and I haven't been disappointed yet. However, one minor thing bugs me.

I know I used Iwanako's last name from your story to use it within my own (which I should probably get back to), but now I can't help but think you're doing the reverse.

"Reo." She responds as Reo puts away her phone. "You're really forgetful today, huh?"

If it hadn’t been for the encouragement of one of our mutual friends, Mai, I might never have had the strength of will to write him that letter.

http://vndb.org/v925

I couldn't help but connect the dots, even if this was just coincidence.

[Helbereth]

Stuff I said before.

Heh. Well, technically salinated pools are chlorinated, they're just cleaner since the chlorine self-recycles. And yeah, I intentionally kept it vague but that lifeguard is pretty much supposed to be Joyce.

The only description that threw me is that of the floor tiles, but Aiko isn't much of an art-buff, so her not identifying the pattern more clearly makes perfect sense. Though the difference between seeing it for the first time, as Iwanako does, and describing it after almost every day for three years, can muddy the description... Either way, I'm glad to see some of my meta bleeding into other tales.

[Leaty]

"Reo." She responds as Reo puts away her phone. "You're really forgetful today, huh?"

If it hadn’t been for the encouragement of one of our mutual friends, Mai, I might never have had the strength of will to write him that letter.

http://vndb.org/v925

I couldn't help but connect the dots, even if this was just coincidence.

Haha, nope. Mai is actually a canon character. Hisao brings her up in Lilly's path.

[Comrade]

Its good to be back after a long break from fanfics and to see more updates. Good job

[Reese8]

I was planning to post here anyway, but it seems that one can't subscribe to a thread without posting in it (I've not found out how to do so, at least). I've been lurking for a while (and I posted some anonymous things back when that was allowed), but it was the desire for notifications of updates to this story that pushed me into registering. I really hope that this isn't dead, as it's quite good.

[neio]

I was planning to post here anyway, but it seems that one can't subscribe to a thread without posting in it (I've not found out how to do so, at least).

At the bottom left of the page, there's subscribe and bookmark topic. Of course if you're like me and you use View your posts to keep track of threads, there's not much you can do but post.

[Reese8]

I was planning to post here anyway, but it seems that one can't subscribe to a thread without posting in it (I've not found out how to do so, at least).

At the bottom left of the page, there's subscribe and bookmark topic. Of course if you're like me and you use View your posts to keep track of threads, there's not much you can do but post.

Oh, I didn't look that far down. Thank you!