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Thanks for the tips, Dawnstorm!! Now I'm feeling compelled to write something (perhaps a couple of one-shots, to begin with), and then later to write something bigger. Probably will take some time, though (I need to do some research about how Japanese behave in some daily situations).

I think it's harder to write about someone else's character, but after playing the game a bit more and reading the excellent pieces of work in this forum (no flattering, but yours included), I think I can manage it.

Dawnstorm wrote:(I've done that on occasion; I thought it was about the answers, but to my surprise not all characters would co-operate and actually fill out the form. I had one character who just replied at random without even reading the questions, read the result, and told me quizzes suck. I don't dare ask Miya.)

Lol'ed hard. Just imagining how would Rin answer...

For story-post navigation please refer to the index post.

Part 2

Confrontations with the Incubus #2

Now, this is really too soon. Not even a week?

Ah, but much has happened, my love. Much has happened.

Not even a week...

No threats today, my love?

Go and take my breath. What do I care?

I don't want it as it is now. So stale. Ah, but the potential.

Then don't take my breath and go. If only you would never come back.

Come back I must, as well you know. Meanwhile, live. Remember to breathe, my love. Take in the sweet, sweet breeze of life. You cannot have death without loss. Struggle, so I can grant your wish, my love.

So tired. No way forward, no way back. So tired...

Perhaps, my love, you are bored with me? There is no reason we cannot change the script. Listen. The sound of change.

Too tired. I... what? Ringing? My phone?

So you hear it, my love? The sound of my change. Watch my tail recede.

No! Damn you, Hisao! Damn you! Invading my waking nightmares like that. That's not... we shouldn't have, I shouldn't have...

Hush, my love, hush. Next time, I'll come transformed.

No. Damn you. Damn... you....

II. 1. The Market Value of Her Dawn

Hisao stares at the cell phone in his hand. Miya's number on the lit up display in an otherwise still dark room. She may be asleep, or awake. She is not picking up. Hisao himself has barely slept, so he is feeling strange. Somewhere in the girl dorms a phone is ringing and ringing and ringing. He should be disconnecting the call, but all he can manage is to stare at the cell phone's glow. What is he doing?

Suddenly, her voice, tinny and very small. He lifts the phone to his ear, listens: “...early in the morning. It is you, Hisao, isn't it?”

Hisao makes a confirmatory noise. He wants to ask about Hanako. What history do they have? Does Miya destroy other people's hope? Jealously, because she has none for herself? Questions. But all he can do is listen. Miya's voice sounds as strange as he feels:

“I didn't want to pick up. I couldn't pick up, and I didn't want to. And then I wanted to, because I couldn't, but I didn't really want to. It's too late now. I picked up. Is there something you want?”

All he can manage is a single word. “Hanako.”

Manic chuckles at the other end of the line. “You want Ikezawa? Did you bond over how awful I am? You should have. It would have been the smart thing to do.”

More chuckles. What is it with her? Is that how Miya's morning mood? Like last time...

“Don't tease,” he says. “What is your history? Yours and Hanako's? I worry.” Like last time...

“About her? About me? Oh, don't answer. About both, of course. Worry about yourself. You're not my mother. Not hers, either.”

Like last time. “Never mind,” he says. “I'm just stealing your dawn.” You almost died, didn't you? You almost died to the sound of my call. But he can't say that.

“Not even a week, and already nostalgia. We move so fast. Yes, you're stealing my dawn again. But it doesn't matter any more. The market value has dropped. It means nothing. You're stealing junk. Still. I never want to see you again. Do you understand?”

“You never want to see me again.” Hisao repeats. And if she dies, she won't. He's not her mother, and thus not entitled to worry.

“That exactly. I never want to see you again. Until next time.”

And the line goes dead.

Hisao disconnects and stares dumbly at the phone. Their relationship in a nutshell: I never want to see you again. Until next time. His eyes spot the time. It's 4:69. Wait that's impossible. 4:59. 5:00. 5:01.

He realises he wanted to shout at her. To be angry. But he has little experience at being angry, and so he messed up. No relief, and deathly tired. On a Monday morning, when he should attend class. It's just too much. Miya waits. Hanako hopes. Lilly enjoys fireworks by proxy. And Hisao himself? He wanted to try anger and failed. He stumbles to his feet, puts the cell phone onto his desk, next to the pill bottles and boxes.

This is her dawn, not his, and it's worth nothing. The pills are waiting for him – with the promise of many more dawns. His throat feels tight, and there's a taste in his mouth. He has to swallow those hateful things. No way can he force them down now. He picks up a medium-sized brown bottle, shakes it, a sterile rattle.

No. No! No extensions. No more. Pent up anger explodes. He hurls the bottle with all his might. It hits the wall, where it fails to shatter. No explosion of glass and pills to satisfy him. Instead the bottle dents the wall – he will have to fix the dent before moving out – bounces off and drops onto the floor, where it mocks him further by rolling idly back and forth on an ever decreasing arc, until it lies perfectly still.

Hisao stares at this indestructible life-extension, until his cell phone beeps. 5:30. Wake-up call. He sighs and walks over to the bottle, bends and picks it up. It's time for his medication, after all.

Oh, cool! Another post. It's… short.

Ah well. It's still good. Miya is still very strange. Hisao is getting strange. In other words, SNAFU.

Short, yes. But powerful nonetheless. I hope this is going somewhere . . .

Heh. The moment people say "Thank god it's short," I know I'm doing it wrong.

Bagheera wrote:I hope this is going somewhere . . .

It is. I knew how it was going to end before the first post on here. I can't guarantee folk will like where it goes, though. It's not a "route". I couldn't have written this story for a VN (though the thought of giving the "players" choices is... intriguing). Well, in time I'll see.

For story-post navigation please refer to the index post.

II. 2. Worrying

It is Tuesday morning, the second day after the Cultural Festival. The figure approaching the race track turns out to be Hisao. He is wearing shorts and a T-shirt. And what might just pass for running shoes. Emi is so surprised that all she can do is stare.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Emi repeats. And then she gets a hold of herself. “So you've come to run, after all?”

“I should have taken you up last week,” he says. He looks sideways, his hand behind his neck. He's cute when he's embarrassed. “I hope it's still okay?”

“Of course, of course. It's never too late. So... have you been running before?”

“Never. I played a bit of football at my old school. That's all.”

“Do you know about warm-up exercises? They're probably a bit different for running. Look I'll show you.” Emi has already done her warm-up, but she goes through the exercises again. Hisao joins her. Does a pretty good job, too. Eventually, they start running. “Take it slowly, for now. You need to get a feel for it, right? You need to know your limits to push them, right?”

Hisao frowns at that, but nods. Something feels different about him today. She hasn't seen him that often, so maybe she's imagining things. She couldn't even describe the difference. For a moment, there is an awkward silence. “Right,” she says, and realises that awkward silences are something she hasn't, so far, associated with Hisao. So maybe that's it? Maybe she should have made a joke about him dumping her? If she hadn't been so surprised to see him, that's what she would have done, and maybe Hisao would have played along. Well, too late.

They walk to the race track. Emi takes the inner circle, while Hisao takes the outer one. They run. Emi takes it easy. She's half-afraid that, if she goes at her normal pace, Hisao would try to keep up, and that wouldn't be good. She's running much too slowly, when Hisao overtakes her. What?

“Hey, slow down,” she calls. “We're not sprinting.”

But Hisao keeps running, keeps accelerating. Emi, too, accelerates. It doesn't take long for her to catch up. “Slow down,” she calls. “Slow down, slow down. Hisao! Slow down.”

And he turns his head, stumbles, does a strange kind of dance to keep from falling, regains his rhythm and, finally, slows down. He looks at her, confused.

Emi comes to a halt and catches her breath. “We're not sprinting. That's not what you're supposed to do. We want to build endurance, don't we? Don't we?”

Hisao looks at her, as if he doesn't understand a word. What's going on? Hisao isn't stupid. And this isn't rocket science. Come to think of it, from what she's heard, he might be better at rocket science than at running. But still.

“Sprinting is pretty stressful for the system, you know. That's not what you want. Are you okay?”

“I'm fine. I was... accelerating? I... huh?” He puts his hand to his chest.

Oh god, no. It's not that bad is it? Yes, sprinting is bad, but that little? “You're okay?” she says. “Really?”

“Probably,” he says. He just stands there, looking confused.

“I can't tell you if you're fine. You must know that yourself. Hisao, come on. Please?” He doesn't look that bad, so is she exaggerating?

“Well,” Hisao says. “My heart's beating faster, but it's supposed to do that when you're running. Am I wrong? I mean, when I played football back then, my heart was beating faster, too. It's just... I don't know any more. Maybe that wasn't normal back then either? Maybe the beat was always a tad off, and now I can't tell the difference?”

Oh. Well then... “Can I... feel your pulse?”

Hisao looks at her a while, then nods. But he doesn't move at all.

“Give me your hand,” Emi says.

Hisao obeys. That's exactly how he looks, holding out his hand like that: obedient. Something is definitely wrong. Emi puts her finger on his wrist looking for the pulse. There it is. “You're okay,” she says. Then: “Probably.”

“Probably.”

Right. That's it for today. “I suppose we'll have to ask the nurse.”

“I suppose.”

On their way to the infirmary, they don't say a word.

***

Waiting in the hallway is an ordeal. Sitting still isn't an option. Running in the hallway is forbidden, and it's only acceptable to break that rule when you have somewhere to go. She knows, now, that her running legs were not designed for pacing. They bounce too much. Finally, Hisao comes out of the infirmary. She jogs up to him, gives him her most expectant look.

“I'm fine,” he says.

“Oh, good. I'm so relieved.”

“Is it okay, if I come back tomorrow? I'll take better care of myself.”

“You really have to take better care of yourself. Promise?”

Hisao nods.

“See you tomorrow, Hisao.”

“See you, Emi.” He closes his eyes, then takes a quick bow. “Sorry to cause you so much trouble.” Then he turns and walks away.

Sorry to cause you so much trouble? Emi watches him leave, puzzling over these words. So formal, all of a sudden? Why? Is that the same guy, who uses your first name straight away but makes it seem perfectly natural and not an imposition at all? What happened to him?

She's pondering the question during her after-running check-up. She's pondering the question during class. She's still pondering the question during her rooftop lunch with Rin. Whatever happened to Hisao, it must have to do with Kitagawa. She is like a demon – she touches your life and leaves it changed. Mostly, maybe always, for the worse. The only exception is Rin. Rin seems to have a natural immunity to Kitagawa. So maybe they could talk about it. But it's Rin. Talking isn't something she's good at, and it isn't something she likes to do.

“Hisao showed up for running today,” Emi says, as she places Rin's bento before her.

Rin pops lifts the lid with her feet. “That's nice,” she says, and Emi is unsure whether it's a reply or a comment on food. She tries to figure out how to talk about her worries, but obviously she takes too long, as Rin picks up the conversation herself. Unusual.

“Or maybe it isn't. Is it nice? I thought it was, because you always say that if he doesn't run with you he'll die.”

“Hey! I never say that.”

“Maybe with different words?”

“No, I never say that at all. Not with any words.”

Rin looks at her a while, then turns to her bento and picks out a cucumber. Talking with Rin about serious issues is a cross between a marathon run and 100 m hurdles. Infinite metre hurdles. But she's best suited for the topic at hand: she's the only one who knows both Hisao and Kitagawa.

“Anyway, yes, it's nice that he showed up today, but... he's strange.”

“Is he? I'm not an expert on whether or not things are strange. I mean, Hisao doesn't have nine eyes. If he had nine eyes, even I would know that he's strange. Or maybe not. If he had also eight legs, was quite small and good at making webs. Then he'd just be a spider.”

“No, I mean, he wasn't strange before, and now he is. It's as if he was a different person.”

Rin turns her head to look at Emi. So she has Rin's attention. Emi knows enough not to interrupt her train of thought, until she speaks.

“Maybe it was a different person.”

“No, it was definitely Hisao.”

“Maybe it was a Hisao impersonator?”

“I don't think there are Hisao impersonators at Yamaku. He's not famous or anything. Also he looked exactly like Hisao. And sounded like him, too.”

“Maybe it was a very good Hisao impersonator.”

“No, it was Hisao.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“What?”

“How can you be sure that it was Hisao when he seemed like a different person?”

“He seemed like a changed Hisao. So there!”

“Oh.” Rin seemed to ponder that point. Now or never!

“I think that Kitagawa changed him.”

Rin nods. “She could have done that. She's good at changing people. She makes them more themselves.”

“What? No way! Hisao seemed... not alright.”

“Well, he always looked gloomy. Now he's even gloomier. Maybe that's what he's really good at. I hope it's not, but if it is, there's nothing we can do.”

“But that's horrible!”

“Yes.”

“Don't you worry about Hisao at all?”

“No, not really. I don't think about him much at all. Right now, I guess, I worry a bit. But that's only because you brought him up. When you go away, I'll stop worrying.”

“But don't you want to help him?”

“With what?”

“With not being so gloomy all the time. You know, counter Kitagawa's influence.” The moment she has said that, she realises how absurd the proposition is. She imagines a cartoon Hisao with a little Kitagawa devil over his left shoulder, and a little Tezuka devil over her right. No. Just no.

“Even if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't know how.”

She's right, but Emi is too stubborn to give up. “Maybe, if you worried about him more, you'd find a way.”

“I don't think so. If I worry, I'll probably imagine a thousand different terrible things that might happen. They probably won't happen, or maybe one or two will and nine hunderd and ninety nine or nine hundered and ninety eight won't. I'll still want to stop them all. In the end I'll be worrying so much that I'll just choose one. It wouldn't have happened, anyway, but now that I'm trying to prevent it, I'll do things that remind lots of people that this might have happened, and they probably wouldn't have thought of that on their own. So because I'd try to prevent a random terrible thing that wouldn't happen, it's now a lot more likely that it'll happen. And when it then happens I'll feel bad that I didn't try hard enough, except that I tried too hard. I'll feel terrible, and Hisao will feel terrible, and none of this would have happened if I hadn't worried.”

“What?”

“What do you mean: what?”

“I didn't understand that at all. Can you repeat that?”

“Impossible.”

“Ah, so basically, you think worrying hurts more than it helps. Right?”

“I know it. I worry about myself a lot, and nothing good ever comes of it. I don't want to worry about others. It's irresponsible.”

“Irresponsible.”

“Exactly.” There's a pause.

“I wonder if Kitagawa worries about Hisao. I don't think she does.”

“Probably not.”

“That's because she doesn't care about people at all.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don't tell me she cares!”

“I wasn't going to. I just want to know if you're sure that she doesn't care about people. If I said something like that I wouldn't be sure at all.”

“Well, do you think she cares about people? Even if you're not sure?”

“I don't know. Ask her, not me. She should know that. Maybe she doesn't know that. It's not always easy to figure out what you care about after all.”

“But she's not good for him!”

Rin shrinks back from that outburst. Then: “Why does everyone ask me about Miya and Hisao? First Miya asks me about Hisao, then Hisao asks me about Miya, and now you ask me about both. I'm not a Hisao-Miya expert. Just ask them directly. I don't want to interfere. I'll only mess up.”

But she is the Miya-Hisao expert at Yamaku. Mostly, because she's the only one who can talk to Miya without freaking out in some way or another. Well, Mr. Takeuchi does pretty well, all things considered, but she's not going to ask her homeroom teacher about these matters.

However, it's clear that she can't push Rin any further. Not today at any rate. Outbursts like that are pretty rare, though. This one made Emi a bit happy. It can only mean one thing: Rin does worry after all. She's just not good at figuring out what she cares about.

Your Rin continues to impress. I'm a bit fuzzy on why Hisao was so confused, though; he didn't seem that bad at the end of the last chapter. I mean, yes, Miya's bewildering in the best of times, but here he's acting like his brain has shorted out. It's a little odd.

But that's a minor quibble. Emi was cute and Emi, and your Rin remains one of the best depictions outside of the game. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes from here.

Indeed, Hisao seems completely out of it, almost like he's sleepwalking. Or sleep-sprinting? Huh.

Emi seemed kind of weird too, though maybe that's just because I'm not used to seeing her from inside, so to speak. Just didn't have that same sort of 'pep' she usually brings to mind.

Rin is Rin.

Bagheera wrote:I'm a bit fuzzy on why Hisao was so confused, though; he didn't seem that bad at the end of the last chapter. I mean, yes, Miya's bewildering in the best of times, but here he's acting like his brain has shorted out. It's a little odd.

Next scene should address his state of mind. (I may have gone over board, though; it's one of the things I'm eternally uncertain about.)

Emi was cute and Emi...

Glad to hear that; I'm very uncertain about Emi. She's easier for me to write than Misha or Kenji, but she's still quite difficult. So:

nemz wrote:Emi seemed kind of weird too, though maybe that's just because I'm not used to seeing her from inside, so to speak.

That may be part of it. Emi's point of view is probably a lot more different than the front she presents. That said, I've deliberately written her more "careful", because she's sensing something off about Hisao. (In the game, they have great chemistry [the best, IMO], so that's never really an issue.)

Just didn't have that same sort of 'pep' she usually brings to mind.

That's one aspect I just can't get right. If I try too hard, she sounds too ditzy. If I take it back, she sounds too boring. Her enthisiasm falls straight into my writerly blind spot.

That may be part of it. Emi's point of view is probably a lot more different than the front she presents. That said, I've deliberately written her more "careful", because she's sensing something off about Hisao. (In the game, they have great chemistry [the best, IMO], so that's never really an issue.)

Just to be sure: The last chapter was not Emi PoV. It was limited(?) omniscient narrator, like the chapters before it.
Not a bad thing, really - a bit less personal than first person PoV but "safer" when you think you might get something wrong.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

That may be part of it. Emi's point of view is probably a lot more different than the front she presents. That said, I've deliberately written her more "careful", because she's sensing something off about Hisao. (In the game, they have great chemistry [the best, IMO], so that's never really an issue.)

Just to be sure: The last chapter was not Emi PoV. It was limited(?) omniscient narrator, like the chapters before it.
Not a bad thing, really - a bit less personal than first person PoV but "safer" when you think you might get something wrong.

Well, Emi is the point-of-view character; i.e. the character whom the narrator channels. But, strictly speaking, you're right about that. I don't think it's safer, though. If you get it wrong, you still get it wrong. It's sort of easier, because you don't have to reproduce the voice with 100 % accuracy.

Also, I don't find 1st person more personal. It often is, but not necessarily. In first person, the character tells the story, and the character might not want to reveal certain aspects of his point of view (e.g. out of embarrassment). That's why voyeurs (like me) love third person omniscient limited.

Also: in most first person stories, the distance between point-of-view character and narrator still exists; it's the same person, but not at the same time. The story teller is older than his/her story-character self. First person present tense (which is very common here, because that's what you get with the VN) is sort of different: it's a narrative gimmick. It could be an exercise in imagination (~ historic present), but very often there is no obvious story telling context.

Don't get me started about point of view and narrative technique...

Dawnstorm wrote:If I try too hard, she sounds too ditzy. If I take it back, she sounds too boring. Her enthisiasm falls straight into my writerly blind spot.

I saw her as both a bit ditzy and often boring/shallow so that seems fitting, actually.

Damn, that's why I don't like ongoing stories: I'm always wanting more... Liked the beginning of Part 2. I could totally see Rin saying that. But my only complaint is that maybe Emi was a bit down. Normally she would try to cheer him up a bit more, I think. But that's just me, and I liked that version too. Makes her a bit more adult-like, I think, as she's being more careful with "Changed Hisao".

ShinigamiKenji wrote:But my only complaint is that maybe Emi was a bit down. Normally she would try to cheer him up a bit more, I think. But that's just me, and I liked that version too. Makes her a bit more adult-like, I think, as she's being more careful with "Changed Hisao".

It's not really just you. Something's off. I did want her to be careful with changed Hisao. Well, next: changed Hisao meets Hanako.

For story-post navigation please refer to the index post.

II.3. Disorientation

“Hanako?”

She looks down, to avoid his eyes. Hisao has been odd, lately, and it is Kitagawa's fault. On the day of the cultural festival, Hanako has seen them together, and the next day, he is absent in class. It has been a relief to see him back today, but he looks like his mind is elsewhere. Whatever is wrong with Hisao, if she leaves him to Kitagawa, it will only get worse. Somebody has to step in. Even Hakamichi would be an improvement, but there is something oddly courteous in her manner around him. That leaves Hanako. In a moment Hisao will be gone, so she has to step in now. But to make the first move? She pushes herself forward, gets in his way. He notices her, which gives her an opening. It's the embarrassment of silence that motivates her speech: “W-would you l-like...” But the burst of energy doesn't last. She looks down, clasps her hands in front of her lap.

“Are you inviting me to have tea with you and Lilly?” he asks. His voice is flat, gives no hint of what he wants to do. Is he happy about the invitation? Is it a nuisance? Not that it makes a difference, but it would be a lot easier to get through the next couple of moments, if we were happy about it. “Y-yes. I mean, no. Lilly is busy. It's just m-me.” And now she sounds as if she wants to be alone with him. Not that she minds, but the truth is that she would welcome Lilly's help. Her presence is calming, her composure and good humour. She could help Hisao a lot better than Hanako herself could. But she is busy with reports for the cultural festival today. It can't be helped.

“I'd love to have tea with you,” he says, but his voice sounds so distant. Normally, this distance would discourage her, but today it is the reason she has to persist despite herself. Even someone as useless as herself is better than nobody, definitely better than Kitagawa. He continues: “I might not be very good company, though. I'm... I don't even know. I feel strange. I have a lot of sleep to catch up, so that's probably part of it. I don't know...”

Had he said this earlier, Hanako would have thought of it as an excuse to ward her off without hurting her. But today it seems to her like a statement of fact. As if he needs to talk, and it doesn't matter to whom. If that is the case, then even she would do. She is good at listening, if at nothing else. “I-if you want to t-t-talk...”

“Maybe I should,” he says, and is it her imagination or does he warm up to the idea? “I'm sorry I've been neglecting you and Lilly, after you've been so hospitable. I've never told you why I'm here. You still don't know about that, do you?”

He's thinking about that? Of course he is. What did she think? He transfers in during his last year. An abrupt change in life. Will he open up? And if so, is it an accidental spill? Safe, because she is nobody? No. She must not think like that. Other people know. She's sure Kitagawa knows. Still, she cannot help being afraid. If that's what it takes to pull him back... “N-no.” That's all she manages as a reply.

He looks at her for half an eternity, then says, “Let's go.”

“Yes.”

And they go. They don't talk on their way. When they reach the abandoned class room, they still don't speak. “I'll make tea,” Hanako says. “P-please sit down.”

He does, and she feels him watching her making tea. To be watched like that feels terrible. Even if it is Hisao. If they were closer, she might be able to tell him that. But as their relationship is now she has to bear it. For his sake. She cannot leave him to Kitagawa. While the tea is brewing, she sets up the cups. She avoids his eyes. It is impolite, but she can't help it. She would burst with embarrassment. Finally, the tea is ready and she brings the pot to the table. She pours both of them a cup, and they drink. It's the ritualistic nature of the event that calms her. If she is taking Lilly's role, then is he taking... hers?

“Lilly tells me, you're worried,” Hisao says. Just like that. To her face.

Hanako freezes. Oh, Lilly. Why do you have to say such embarrassing things! She manages a slight nod. Her throat is too dry to speak. She immediately takes another sip from her cup.

“I think it's because of Miya,” he says. “I'm sure you have met her before. I think she's afraid to meet you. She's done something to you, but she won't tell.”

Too much, too soon. He says whatever is on his mind, without considering her feelings. This is not last week's Hisao. It is Kitagawa's influence. He is coming to be as straightforward as that demon. But he does not aim to hurt. That is a very important difference. He is merely saying what's on his mind. Isn't that what Hanako asked of him? Is he... relying on her to listen? Or is he just talking into space, because nothing really matters any more? She mustn't fret like this. Fretting gets in the way of listening. He's not pressing her to speak. She notices she's still holding her cup. Stiffly, at that.

“It's okay,” Hisao says. “It's really none of my business. You can tell me, when you're ready. Maybe never.” He picks up his own cup, sips. Maybe this is as difficult for him, as it is for her? Maybe he's forcing himself because he knows no other way? She looks at him. No, he's giving in. He doesn't force himself; it's the opposite: he surrenders. He continues, “I don't understand Miya at all, but she is not my problem. Not really.” He puts down his cup, stirs it with his spoon for no reason Hanako can see. “You see, I had a heart attack. In the hospital they told me I can't rely on my heart my heart any more. Arrhythmia's the term. The doctors there saved my life, but it took them months, and all the while I was in the hospital. Meanwhile, I drifted away from all my friends. They came to visit, but there was nothing to talk about. Here's the point: until I met Miya, I blamed them. But then I realised that I was about to... to turn people away again. Do you know why I met Miya in the first place? Because I was trying not to make a commitment to do morning runs with Emi Ibarazaki. You see, I need to exercise to make it less likely that my heart will act up again. I don't mind the exercise, but I thought... the company... It's the same thing all over again. Like in the hospital. It's all about... my condition. I don't want that, so I avoid people who know. That's, I think, why I didn't tell you. It was so comfortable to be with you. I didn't want to ruin that.”

He falls silent. Hanako can only look at her cup. The gist of it is that Hisao's condition, unlike hers or Lilly's, is dangerous enough to kill him. This comes as a shock. Even if they become friends, even if they stay friends for life, it may not be all that long. It's a big topic, impossible to ignore. But, just like Hanako doesn't want to live in her scars' shadow, so he doesn't want to live with the shadow of death. It's obvious.

But it's the governing topic whenever you meet someone. Certainly in the hospital, and also here at Yamaku. If Hanako could hide her scars, she would. Even though she knows she can't, she does her best to make them as inconspicious as possible. Never wear short sleeves. Long skirt and high socks. Bangs that cover half her face. All Hisao has to do is not talk about it. Don't talk about it and it's not a problem. It's about comfort, as he has said. But now he has told her. Is this a way of opening up to her, or of telling her that the comfort was a lie? He's at the cross roads: face his condition and accept his new self, or retreat into a shelter and never talk to people. He needs time to heal, but Kitagawa has shattered any possibility of comfort. Just like she has done with her. How can she possibly reply now? There is nothing that will re-assure him. Maybe, she should just distract him. Give him the time he needs to find his path? Talk about books, maybe? He did ask what she was reading. Life of Pi. It is a special book now. It seems everybody has his inner tiger. No words come.

Again, he pre-empts her. “Why do you want to be with me?” Strangely, the question does not sound self-deprecating. It is something she would ask if she dared. She'd ask this question of Lilly. But in her case, it's because she feels... broken. Useless. Here is the question, put to her, but it sounds like a question of curiosity. Self-centred, not quite narcissistic. Hanako is at a loss how to take this.

“It's not like I expect an answer,” he says. “It's a question I wouldn't have asked before. At the Shanghai you told me that Miya kills hope, right?”

She nods. She remembers saying that, but having it quoted back to her like that makes it sound too dramatic. She feels a vague sense of shame for having said something like this.

Hisao continues: “But that's not true in my case. See, I've always been comfortable. I had friends, and we had fun together, and nobody ever questioned that. It was... comfortable. If you've got it all, there's nothing you hope for. I suppose I could hope for a life as long as possible. But why? What am I going to do with my life? That would have been an unpleasant enough question without a deadline. But now? I'm... wondering what is left of me. Or who I was before. Maybe I was always as empty as I feel now, but I was comfortable, so it didn't matter.”

“Y-you're kind,” Hanako says. “Y-you accept people for what they are. You try to get to know them. Th-that's why I want to be with you. And Lilly, too. I'm sure.”

But he shakes his head. “It is easy to accept people as they are when you have no idea of how they should be. Did Lilly tell you that I asked her what fireworks are to her? She said she enjoys them through the reactions of others. That's my life in a nutshell. That's me. If there's nobody around through whom I can see the world, then I go blind.” A pause. “Please don't tell Lilly I used that metaphor.”

“I-I won't.” And it's better she doesn't. Lilly doesn't want people to watch their language in her presence, but this metaphor? It sets seeing as absolute. There are lots of things you cannot appreciate without sight, but life is still there. This metaphor, it depreciates things you cannot see. Maybe she should extend the metaphor this far? Maybe there is a way to make him understand that it's about attention. No. It's impossible. She hasn't worked out that thought, and there's no way she could stay calm enough to relay it in detail, even if she were to work it out.

“Thank you,” Hisao says, and it takes Hanako a while to realise she is being thanked for keeping a secret. They have a secret now. It feels sort of nice to think that, encouraging. “You see, after I've met the two of you at the Shanghai, I've had a lot to think about. About myself, about you and Lilly, and Yamaku. And about Miya, too. I couldn't sleep. I tried to go to school anyway, but got dizzy so I went to the infirmary instead. Nurse wouldn't even let me go back to the dorms. I rested at the infirmary, but didn't sleep well. Then I went to the dorms – I've been told in many words that rest is as important to me as exercise. So I slept again, a bit better this time. But then I was wide awake in the night. I've been running with Emi this morning, but I suppose I was a bit out of it. Still am, actually. Anyway, I have to keep awake until at least eight in the evening, or I'll never get a good sleep rhythm together. I wonder if you could help me stay awake?”

“S-sure,” she says. So he is tired, too. That makes sense. The other bit of information is encouraging, too. “You run with Ibarazaki now?”

“I've got to get my act together.” He chuckles at some private joke she can't understand. “I want to live as long as I can, and I'll try my best to make it happen. Believe it or not, but that's thanks to meeting Miya. I can't explain, but please believe me. I have the energy to go on because I've met her. But... I still don't know why I want to live. What is there to look forward to? I have the drive, but I have no goal. It's... infuriating.”

He thinks Miya gave him the will to live? He's probably always had it, but only realised it once Miya called it into doubt. What she's responsible for is the feeling of disorientation he is left with. Miya believes in nothing, and it's rubbing off on him. But he cannot see it. The things you have you take for granted. What you're losing becomes visible. So now he thinks she has given him the will to live, confusing the awareness with the thing itself. But she's sapping it from him like a vampire. And because he has no direction he cannot tell the difference.

He needs a better friend than Miya. As long as Lilly isn't here, she will have to do. Keep him awake? She'll try her best. “W-would you like to play a game of chess.” They've been playing before.

“I won't lose, even though I'm tired.”

“I-I won't go easy on you!” And she gets up to fetch the board. It's the perfect way to pass the time. They can spend a lot of time together, while staring at the board a lot. If you don't speak, it's because you contemplate your next move. It's not strange to be silent.