Fly Away (Another Day)
No one seems to notice when I arrive to class the next morning with Hisao instead of Miki. My best friend is there in her seat, she gives me a wink that I can’t quite return, although I wish I could.
Mutou is already at his desk, he doesn't even seem to notice I exist until I'm sitting down. Then he looks up, oh no you don't, don't look at me don't get that awkward smile and open your mouth and--
"Suzuki, got a moment?"
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
"Damn it. I mean, I mean yes, sir."
I'm doing everything I can to keep my groaning internal as I push my weary self up from my desk and trudge to the head of the class. At least he doesn't have a pile of my coursework laid out before him this time, all marked up in red ink.
Mutou glances at the clock on the wall, then at his wrist. Then he seems to remember that he’s either not wearing a watch today or he never wears one at all.
"Have you had time to complete your career survey?" He asks upon returning his attention to me.
"Oh."
I can't help it, it's the first, the only response I can think of. Mutou scratches at his chin, probably trying to look tired instead of irritated. He does that a lot. Look tired, I mean. Maybe we have more in common than just how we like our coffee.
"Do you need another copy? I can get one for you. We just find that it's useful for students to take the time to form some idea of what they're interested in pursuing, and the school guidance office can--"
"Actually, um, I think I still have it." I barely manage to disguise a grimace, but I'm pretty sure I'm not lying this time. It should be somewhere near the bottom of my bag, a little crumpled up and worse for wear by now, but it's... it's there.
"Good." He gives me another of his crooked smiles. "We’re just going to be doing review today, so could you please have it done by the end of the period?"
I.
The bell rings. Mutou is still looking at me, still smiling but I can't say the same. I gaze at the floor. It's a nice floor, all... all polished. And clean.
"Yes, sir."
My teacher seems pleased. He gets to his feet and begins today’s lecture, I ignore the stares that I receive as I make my way back to my desk and almost collapse into my seat.
Even with his permission, I don’t want to miss out on the things Mutou is talking about. I’m not the best student so I, I need this review, we have a test coming up and I know things are only going to get harder after that. But I guess I can’t really... put this off any longer. I glance at the clock, count the minutes, and try to push back the fear that by now has settled deep in my chest as I reach down into my bag.
There it is, the only loose piece of paper, it’s underneath one of my textbooks. I tear my gaze away from the clock on the wall, pull the survey out and flatten it across my desk, smoothing the creases with my hands. It looks a little worse for wear. I can’t say I feel sorry for it.
Alarms are beginning to ring in the back of my head, I, I need to do this, and I need to do it now before I miss even more of the review time. How is it that these classes always go by so slowly, until you actually want to pay attention for once?
Against my will I try to ignore my teacher’s voice, I focus on the survey in front of me. I haven’t thought about it since the other day, since the Shanghai and the student council. I’m no more prepared now than I was the first day of classes resuming, I don’t know how to answer any of these questions.
I don’t know how to feel about any of these things, all I feel right now is the pain from my back beginning to tense up and the shallow and fast beating in my chest. The way my foot is jiggling nervously, and how I can’t quite seem to keep my pen still.
Mutou asks a question, one of my classmates answers. Did I know that one? What was, what was he asking again? Do we need to know that for the test? I glance around, trying to ignore the cold that’s spreading to my limbs now. Everyone else doesn’t look much better than me, but that’s because they’re worried about the class and I should be worried too. But I am, I totally am, what time is it? How much longer until--
I feel my desk jostle beneath me. The result of a practiced kick.
I look over to my right. Miki is there, she, she saw the Stump Signal and she’s on the scene. She’s looking at me, staring right into my eyes.
I focus on her firm, determined gaze. I remember her words.
“Just make something up,” she told me. “That's what I did. Don't stress about something like this.”
That’s... that’s right. She’s right. It’s, this isn’t a big deal. This career survey doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t tie me down to anything. It’s not like it’s some blood oath, I’m not solemnly swearing to anything.
Miki wants me not to worry, not to be freaking out. Hisao, he wants me to feel okay about everything that’s going on and even Mutou just wants me to be better prepared. So I have to do this, I have to.
My best friend gives me a reassuring smile, and I drown everything else out to focus on her, on her strength and her warmth. Miki won’t let me down. Miki will steer me right.
I swallow my fear and my anxiety, I shove it all down and out of sight, and then I manage to smile back. The girl sitting next to me breaks into a wide grin.
One more glance at the clock says that class is already more than halfway over but I look back at my desk, I force my hands to stop shaking and then I put pen to paper.
This... this isn’t so bad, really. Once I’m committed to the idea of just ignoring the questions and getting the bubbles filled in, once I begin to make a game of it I actually feel myself calming down. Further to the right here, a middle shot there, back again and then all the way to the left. Ha, I wonder what they’ll think of that? Hopefully I won’t end up as a, a narcoleptic zookeeper or something, I just know I would fall asleep and drop right down into the tiger's cage and okay no, that mental image has gone quite far enough.
Anyway, that won’t happen. This doesn’t matter. Class is probably almost over, the bell will probably ring soon, but I just take it one step at a time, I take things turn by turn and I manage to get through it.
The paper before me is all filled out. From the last question, apparently I have a burning desire to “maximize market effectiveness”, whatever that means. I don’t care anymore. I put the survey aside and haul out my notebook, desperate to jot down whatever I can get out of Mutou’s lecture even though I know I’ll have to borrow someone else’s notes anyway.
My teacher is glad to see I’ve finally finished, even though he does raise an eyebrow at the arrangement of my choices. Guess he’s never seen that placement strategy before. But he still takes the career survey without complaint, I survive our next few classes, make it to lunch, and then somehow manage to pull through until the final bell rings. Not... not too bad, right?
I wish I could say we spent the rest of the day relaxing, maybe, maybe lounging around the pool, skinning grapes and eating them. But that would be a lie. Instead I go to the library with Hisao, where he pulls out stacks upon stacks of books designed to help students prepare for college entrance exams. Those go in one pile. All of our textbooks and assignments and review sheets go in the other until the table before us is jam packed, there isn’t even a spot for me to plant my face in complete and total despair. I make room anyway.
This is how we pass our evening, and this is how it will be for the... for the foreseeable future. We study and we cram, I fall asleep, Hisao either wakes me up or lets me rest for a while but eventually we continue again. I feel bad, and I don’t exactly want to tell him this, but I’m really glad that Hisao is the one taking this practice exam and I’m not. It’s all I can do to keep my head above water in our classes and just try to help him with the things he’ll need to know.
As the week goes on, our coursework ramps up. I fail that test in our science class. I couldn’t sleep, the night before.
Trips to the convenience store down the hill become a regular occurrence. We see lots of fellow Yamaku students there, stocking up on energy drinks and power bars, but no sign of Kenji. Hisao says his hallmate is still alive but doesn’t have much to report otherwise, and we have bigger problems anyway.
It’s kind of nice and kind of absolutely terrible, being so busy in my free time. I’m glad that I get to be with Hisao this much, and when we’re burning through material or, or holding up flash cards for eachother, it feels good to have something to focus on. But all the other times, the other moments, they just remind me that I’m scared.
When I go to sleep at night. When I wake up. When I’m sitting in class and our teachers make some remark about being sure to study this and that because universities require applicants “to be proficient”, or my friends, when they start to actually, really talk about their plans for after graduation over lunch.
All of it, through all of it I’m scared. I don’t know how to do any of this college stuff because I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to, to graduate or survive finals or anything like that, and if that wasn’t enough, the city...
I don’t. I don’t want to go. What if... I mean what if it all goes wrong again, and something happens to me? What if these days, these moments, they’re the last ones I’ll ever get? I didn’t do anything today! Nothing that mattered and if, if something happened tomorrow, if I fell, I mean, it’s just so easy.
It’s just... so easy.
And... and even worse, what if it’s not me? What if it’s Hisao, who... who...
If something does. If something happens, I know that every place we ever went together. Every thing we ever did together, every moment we ever shared, it will hurt.
Everything will hurt.
Still, I’m trying. I’m, I’m holding on and hanging in there, I’m focusing on the moment, the now instead of letting my future crush me. I’m doing this for Hisao, he thinks this will help. He wants to help.
The weekend comes. My parents call, both of them. I tell them about the practice test, they’re... supportive. My dad offers to come up and drive us to the city. That way, I won’t have to take the bus again.
It’s... it’s very tempting. It is, but I just can’t accept. I want them to come with me, I, I want their help but. I... need to show them that I can do this. I need to do this for their sake too, this will let them rest easier, when it’s over. If, no, no when. When this works, I’ll have some idea what to expect, I’ll feel better about what’s happening and where I’m going, and I know they want that.
Besides, I can’t rely on them for everything. I’m... I’m growing up. I’m almost an adult now, even though being one is terrifying.
I know my parents still remember that seminar, back in Nagoya. They’re concerned and, and they probably should be. I know I am. But I say goodbye, before my dad can start talking about cutting some corners and hiring a private tutor to help me with my classes. He’s done it before, offered before. I won’t let him do that, even though I’m already being buried under all these concepts and formulas, definitions and phrases. Facts, important figures in history, essay writing strategies. During the day I feel like I’ll never get out from underneath it all, and, and at night...
It’s Sunday. That test, the practice entrance exam is in one week.
I’m underground again.
It’s not something you can get used to. I don’t think anyone could get used to this, and if they did, I wouldn’t want to be them. I, I don’t really want to be me right now either, the darkness all around feels like its crushing the life out of me. I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep, I don’t know when I can expect to wake up, please, please please let me wake up. Not this again. I don’t want to go through this again.
I know I should stay calm but I can’t, it’s hard to be calm when you can’t move or breathe or please, please wake me up. Hisao, Miki, anyone. Please!
I wrench my mouth open to suck in a labored breath, to scream or maybe both but I can’t do either. Nothing comes in and nothing goes out, it’s like I don’t exist. I’m crying by now, I know I’m crying but my body has no space to move, if anything the pressure on my chest gets tighter and that just makes it, just makes everything worse.
I’d give anything just to wake up. I’d give anything just to go home, to go back, to see my friends’ faces again. To, to feel the heat of the sun on my skin and see Hisao’s smile one more time. Please. Someone, anyone.
Don’t leave me here.
Don’t leave me like this.
The silence is broken by a dull and distant thud. My heart is already racing but it manages to beat even faster, am I waking up? Is this, is it over yet?
But the dream doesn’t end. From somewhere above me, I hear the sound come again. It falls into a pattern, a scraping noise that continues to get closer and closer, and every time it’s louder, until all I can hear is the noise bearing down on me and my heart continuing to flood my veins with ice. Every second now there’s a crash, the space above me is shaking and trembling and so am I, the sound is so loud--
--until it’s replaced with another one.
The shrill wail of my alarm cleaves my world in two. I open my eyes but they’re still met with black, it’s... it’s because my face is pressed into something warm and soft. I feel a now familiar, irregular heartbeat against my forehead.
“Suzu, hey.” A voice calls softly, Hisao’s hands are on my shoulders. The only response I can manage is a whimper, my face is wet, and--
“Suzu. I can’t breathe.”
I realize that my arms are locked into place around him, I’m holding on with all my strength as if for dear life.
I don’t know how far from the truth that is.
“Sorry.” I whisper. I loosen my grip but don’t even consider letting go. Hisao moves to silence my alarm before looking back at me. His face is a mask of concern and I can’t say I blame him, I’m, I’m still shaking, and my own face is streaked with tears. I feel cold, so cold all over so I try to move closer, pressing myself against him and absorbing some of his warmth.
Hisao wraps his arms around me, he holds me close. “Another nightmare?”
I just nod. My heart is still trying to escape from my ribcage, but the raw terror is starting to ebb away, replaced with despair and frustration. Before I know it I’m crying again.
A week. A week, until the exam and the city.
A week of this.
“Hey, it’s alright.” Hisao whispers. He brushes a lock of hair away from my face, looking down into my eyes. “It was just a dream. You’re safe.”
I sniffle and nod but don’t let go. I can’t calm down, I can’t relax, even with him lying next to me. I’m still taking in shallow breaths, my face is red and hot from the tears but the rest of me is still chilled.
Hisao frowns, he looks pained. “It’s okay, Suzu.” He says softly. “A dream itself is nothing but a shadow.”
I can do that too. “We, we have scotched the snake, not killed it.” I mumble, staring past him as I recall the words. As I dredge them up, drown in them. “She’ll close and be herself whilst our poor malice remains in danger of her former tooth.”
“Suzu, that’s--”
“But let the fame of things disjoint, both the worlds suffer, ere we will eat our meal in, in fear, and sleep--”
Hisao is grimacing now. “That’s not--” he begins, but I can’t stop, can’t stop can’t stop.
“--sleep in the affliction of these terrible dreams that shake us nightly. Better with the dead, whom we, to gain our peace, have sent to pea--”
Hisao takes my chin in his hand, tilts my face upward and presses his lips to mine. I clamp my eyes shut, leaning into him and matching his efforts with all my might. Okay, I'll, I'll shut up.
The boy beside me gently cups the back of my head with one hand while using the other to pull my frame against his. We break apart for a moment and he kisses the saltwater from my eyelashes, Hisao. Hisao...
Our lips meet again, it's, it's strange how quickly fear can turn into passion, turn into desperation. Blankets are being shifted and thrown aside, Hisao is on top of me now. My hands are on his back as his smooth over my neck, down my sides, they caress my thighs and I can't help but shiver, in a good way this time. Part of me wants to squeeze my legs shut in embarrassment but the rest of me wants to spread them, I'm starting to grow conditioned to his touch.
"Hisao." I whisper, opening my eyes to look up at him. He smiles down at me, looking tired but determined in the morning light that filters through my curtains.
"You're okay, Suzu." He whispers back, leaning down to give me another long, slow kiss. When we part this time, he closes his eyes and moves downward, planting soft pecks on my chin, on my collarbone. He stops for a few moments to gently caress my breasts through the fabric of my t-shirt and I let out a moan, feeling my face begin to burn as my hands drop away from him to clutch my sheets. Hisao continues downward, he presses his lips to my belly button and I would almost giggle if I wasn't suddenly feeling so hot and, and doing everything to focus only on his touch, only on his warmth.
He's reached his destination now. I bite my lip as Hisao gently tugs my sleep shorts away. He's, he's leaning his head down now and what, what is he doing?
"What are you doing?" I mumble, my face growing even redder as I blink at him. Hisao is blushing too, but he gives me a somewhat shaky smile.
"Shh." He replies, before closing his eyes and lowering his head. The head that happens to be between my legs now. Without looking, he reaches up to trace his fingers across my stomach, to slide underneath my shirt and gently grasp my breast. I place a hand over his as he begins to squeeze and knead the sensitive flesh, but it's, it's where his mouth is going that I'm more preoccupied with.
Hisao’s lips are only inches away from the fabric of my panties. He lets out a long, warm breath and I shiver again, what is, we haven't done this before. I trust him though, I close my eyes, lean my head back and tighten my grip on my sheets with my free hand as Hisao moves to close the distance between his mouth and me.
He doesn't get far, though. There's a series of loud, sharp knocks on my door and he flinches away, I let out a groan, suddenly wishing I could just roll over and die.
"Suzu? Time to get up." A familiar voice calls. Hisao and I glance at eachother sheepishly but he disentangles himself from me and I sit up. If only there was some magic technique to combat excessive blushing.
"Yo, Suzu. Get up, please." Miki's tone is different from her usual morning roundup. She... she almost sounds a little nervous. Hisao is frowning and looking awkward, Miki knows that we sometimes spend the night in eachother's rooms, but still.
"You're a stuffed animal." I mutter, giving him a nervous smile before escaping from my bed. My boyfriend pulls blankets into place until he disapp--no, no wait, I can still see that one lock of hair that's always sticking up. It... it will have to do. He doesn't even really need to hide anyway, this is just a little less weird, I guess.
Satisfied with his escape act, I retrieve my shorts from the floor and pull them back up before walking over to my door. Even if my face is still completely red, this is... it's better than I was before, better than when I woke up. I do, I feel better, and my eyes have dried now. So I unlock my door and pull it open to be greeted by the sight of my best friend.
She's already dressed, but she's missing both her usual grogginess and any trace of that catlike grin that she wears so often. Instead, Miki forces a smile.
"Finally." She says. "Are you planning on going to class today?"
We can do that? Not go, I mean? Well yeah, I guess we totally can, everyone's done it before, it's just that with our classes the way they are now, missing a day would be like... like something both bad and stupid to do.
"I, um. It was on my to-do-list, yeah." I reply. She doesn't seem to notice my blushing, she looks genuinely troubled by something. This isn't good.
"Alright." She says softly. Her shoulders are slumped, for once, the girl standing in my door looks uncomfortable with being there.
"Can you throw some clothes on? I... kinda need to talk to you about something. If Hisao doesn't mind, that is."
This is not go--wait, how did she know?
"How did you know?" A muffled voice calls from under my blankets.
"Stuffed animals don't talk!" I cry weakly, glaring back at my bed. Miki chuckles and shakes her head, but then she looks back at me and gives a strained smile. Please, her eyes say.
"Okay." I nod, trying not to let my imagination wander and come up with a dozen things that could possibly be wrong. I snatch up a pair of pajama bottoms from my floor, the ones with dinosaurs on them, slip on some socks and pull a sweatshirt over top of my sleep shirt.
"Don't go anywhere." I mumble to the lump in my bed. Then I follow Miki out into the hall and close my door behind me.
It's a fairly typical Monday morning in the girls' dormitory. A few students are already headed out the doors to get breakfast at the school cafeteria, while others are plastered into the chairs in the common room, waking up with some television or killing time while their food cooks. Miki leads me past them, we step outside and into the cool air.
The sky is a dull gray and a sudden breeze makes me wish I had grabbed a thicker sweatshirt, but the temperature doesn't bother me as much as the concrete below us. Miki seems satisfied that no one else is around, though. She moves to lean heavily on the handrail that travels down the steps and towards the grounds.
"What's up?" I ask, blinking in the morning light. Miki turns back to me, wearing a deep frown.
"I've been recalled." She says bitterly.
Recalled? I don't know what she could mean by that. But I don't want to jump to conclusions, so I just thrust my hands in my pajama pockets and wait for her to go on. She does.
"I got a call this morning, from my parents. They said they want me to come home this weekend so we can spend some 'family time' and 'reconnect' before I graduate." She spits the words, choosing to look off into space instead of at me.
Oh, now I get why she's irritated. Miki's relationship with her parents has never been a very easy one, they were never really--
Wait.
"But Suzu, hold on." Miki stands up straight, her eyes widening at the look of panic on my face.
"I know I promised I would come with you guys for that test, and I'll still go, if you need me to." She takes one step closer, then two. My gaze is sinking to the floor but she's in front of me now, her hand is on my shoulder.
"Suzu, just say the word and I'll come with you. If you need me there, I'll tell my parents they can go right to hell. You know that."
"Yeah." I... I know that. I do, how could I not, after everything we've been through? After everything we've been through.
I want to run away, to get lost inside myself but I don’t. I can't, not to Miki. So instead I walk over to take a seat at the top of the steps. Miki moves with me, sits with me but I don't look at her. I stare across the grounds.
I take a deep breath, but I don't tell Miki about my nightmare. I don't tell her that I'm scared, and yes, yes Miki, I need you to come with me. I need you so much.
That's not what I say.
"Do you want to go?" I ask.
Miki turns those dark, amethyst eyes on me.
"Go with you? Of course I do." She looks right at me as she says it. Usually, her eyes sparkle, either with some mischievous glee when she's up to something, or with the easy confidence of another laid-back day, the kind we both like. There's also that look that she gets, that sort of steadfast abandon when she's losing herself at the track. It's not quite wild and breathless, like a car about to tear down an empty street. It's more like an airplane, pulling up the landing gear and taking off and just soaring,
Here, though. Now, though. Her eyes aren't sparkling.
"I meant home." She wouldn't be acting like this if she wasn't conflicted, if she wasn't torn. Normally she doesn't give her family life a second thought, she prefers living here. My best friend is glad that she wound up at Yamaku. But I know that look.
She's never complained, all those times she's stayed behind or missed out just to help me. She's teased me and joked about it, but she never meant any of it. Still, I've seen the way her eyes get, sometimes. Like earlier this year, when I had a bad fall down the second floor stairs and ended up with a concussion. It was just before a big track meet, Miki, she skipped it. She stayed with me, helped me change my bandages and watched stupid, stupid daytime TV with me while just across the grounds, her other friends struggled without her there.
She stayed with me because my head hurt so much, because I was scared, even though all the doctors and nurses and my parents assured me I was going to be fine. They all knew why I was so terrified, everyone knew, Miki included. Even when I tried to tell her to go to the track meet, even when I told her I would be okay without her, she knew I was lying, she stayed by my side. But I'll never forget the way she would cast longing glances out the window, how she would strain her ears to make out the distant murmur of the crowd.
I wondered, was she trying to hear the announcer? Was she picturing her team struggling without her, and was her gut twisting and sinking, knowing she was letting them down?
She wanted to be out there, I never had a doubt about that. But she wanted to be with me, too. She was torn, but she made a choice.
So, so now, I'm.
I'm making a choice.
"You don't have to come."
Miki opens her mouth as if she's about to protest, to call me out on lying, ha, she... she sees right through me. And I'm glad. I didn't want to lie to her. I don't want to lie to her.
But Miki wants this, even if she won’t admit it. Graduation will be here soon, we'll, we'll be adults soon. She might not get many more chances to patch things up with her parents. It's never worked before, but who knows, maybe it will this time. And she has to take that chance, instead of babysitting me. I can't rely on... I, I can't, she won't always be...
Miki looks like she would take my hand, if she could. But she's sitting on my right side, her stump is lying useless in her lap. And there's nothing attached to it today.
"Sorry, Suzu." She says softly.
"Don't be."
She frowns. "I'll come straight to the city from my parents' place. I'll meet you there, when I'm done."
"Okay."
Neither of us say anything after that, not for a good few, long moments. More students emerge from the dorms and go past us, talking, laughing, hobbling, rolling. Finally, Miki stands up.
"I've gotta take care of a few things before class." She says, looking back at me and wearing a desperate smile. "See you later?"
Almost done now. Almost there. I smile back, and it's just as real and heartfelt as hers.
"Yup, see you soon."
Miki walks away, waving limply. I manage to get to my feet, I walk until I'm back in the dorms and I hold it together, I keep it together until I'm past the common room and all the other girls. I, I stay strong, I keep the tears from spilling down my face until I'm standing in front of my door and reaching for my doorknob.
I open the door, Hisao is sitting at the edge of my bed. He looks up, his expression immediately falling when he sees me, when he sees my face all scrunching up again.
“Suzu?”
I close my door without looking back, I take a step. I try to open my mouth but can’t find any words, just, just this stupid little weak sob.
"What is it?" Hisao asks, but I don't respond. I shake my head, I take the last few steps to close the distance between us. He's wearing his dress shirt now, it's buttoned up halfway but I reach with shaking fingers to begin undoing them again, I throw myself on him, I throw myself into his arms and press my trembling lips to his.
We don’t go to class that day. Miki doesn’t mention it when we see her later, but she practically kicks down the door the next time Hisao and I are studying in one of the empty classrooms on the third floor, she bursts in with an armful of food and a... a faceful of grin. If that makes sense.
Miki says it’s a supply drop but she hangs around, she stays with us and does everything she can to help Hisao prepare for his practice exam and me with my make-up work. It turns out that two heads are... no, three heads, they’re better than two when it comes to this stuff.
Miki isn’t the best student and that makes two of us, but she doesn’t make it about her at all. We go over the things Hisao needs to know and the stuff I’m struggling with in our classes, Miki won't let things get awkward between us, just because she can't come with me this weekend. She won't just drop me, just give up and she won't back down, not when she knows I need her, not when she knows she can still help me. That’s the Miki I know. The one I love, the one I... I rely on.
With our study triumvirate--I can't believe Hisao needs to know words like that for the exam--restored, things stay calm over the rest of the week, and I’m really grateful. The three of us throw ourselves into our studies. We try to forget everything else, and, and everyone’s trying so hard. That weight on my shoulders, on my chest and in my stomach gets heavier as the days go by, but we’re holding on, all of us.
Miki offers to stay with me on the nights Hisao can't, but... but that's what I've got the Tank Fuel for. I'd rather go without sleep than need to be coddled or be afraid to go to bed by myself, and when I do have Hisao, I manage not to dream anything too bad.
Hisao, he’s trying so hard now, I know he is. I can see it. Even though he says the practice test isn’t a big deal, that it’s more about the experience than him actually doing well, he starts... I don't know, fraying around the edges as the days go by. But he’s not giving up, he won't give up.
No one wonders if this, this whole thing with the practice exam was, is a mistake. No one says it, because we all know that it's just the same thing that's going to happen closer to graduation anyway, and none of us want to think about that. I know I don't want to think about that. All of this, the reason we're even doing all this is so Hisao can show me that it's doable. He wants to show me that I don't need to be afraid but I am, I am. And everyone knows it.
We take an evening off from the cramming and the pressure, we go down into town and eat at some place we haven’t been before. Just the two of us. And it's good, it's fun, even though we both look and feel so tired, even though I don't want to go anywhere this weekend, I want to break down instead. I want to go nowhere and do nothing and just, just sleep all day and take a shower in the evening and feel guilty about it but not really. That's what I want. That's what I make Hisao promise we'll do, after, after all this is over. He grins at that, he says he's looking forward to it. He'd... he'd better be.
After dinner, we see a movie. I end up not really remembering what it was about, because Hisao falls asleep and that’s, it’s not fair. It's too easy to go dark when someone else next to you has already done it, and I never need an excuse to pass out in the first place. Still, it... it’s a nice night out, I'm not complaining. Besides, turnabout is fair play, I guess.
Time doesn’t slow down for us, no matter how much I wish it would. In the blink of an eye it’s Saturday, and I'm standing at top of the hill, just past the gates of Yamaku. Classes are over for the day and Miki is leaving, she's about to climb into a waiting cab. Before she goes she hugs me so tightly, she says everything will be fine and she’ll see me soon. Tomorrow, in fact.
I blink again, it’s night. Hisao is lying right next to me, sleeping, next to me. One more blink, he’s gone. I'm gone, and I wish I could say I was surprised by where I go next. I, I... I really do.
The black that pushes and presses all around me is familiar, by now. I don’t know how I can manage to feel like I’m dying, feel like I’m dead and still not wake up but I’m, I’m just special like that, I guess.
Don't panic. Don't panic. Even though there’s nothing to see I screw my eyes shut, I tell myself that I’ve done this before, gotten through this before. Just take a breath, put everything into breathing, in and out. I will wake up. I will wake up.
My chest can fall but can't rise, what air I'm able to force into my lungs is stale and, and hot, even though the nothing that engulfs me is cold. I try to scream for help, but before I can I hear that sound again, penetrating the darkness. Coming from above. It repeats, again and again and it keeps getting closer, but as it does, the space all around me grows tighter, it compacts. I'm being crushed.
I, I will wake up, I...
Scrape.
Something presses harder on all sides, forces the air from my chest. I'm choking, I'm coughing, it hurts, it--
Scrape.
I will wake up I will wake up I will wake--
Scrape.
Thunk.
Something shifts, the space above me opens up. A wall of cool air rushes down, I breathe in long, loud gasps. A hand is reaching down towards me, suddenly I'm able to move my body, move my arms and I take it, I grasp the hand tightly. I'm being pulled up, away from this place, this horrible place.
The journey isn't as long as I expected, I don't know what I was expecting. But I feel myself being hauled up as if out of a hole, suddenly I'm on solid ground and there's a body, a boy in front of me. I collapse forward and against him as a pair of arms envelop me.
"You're alright." A voice says soothingly. "I've got you."
A can't think of any kind of response so instead I just continue to shiver in his embrace, sucking in deep breaths and promising myself that I'll never take air for granted again. I'm covered in a cold sweat, but the body touching mine is warm.
"Shh, shh, you're alright." He says again and I know it, I know that voice so well. I shut my eyes tightly as relief continues to flood through me.
"Don't let me go." I plead. I grip his sides with shaking hands, I press my face into the black cloth before me.
"Why would I ever do that?" He whispers back, reaching up to gently stroke my hair. I don't reply, instead I just feel the material in front of my eyes begin to grow warm and wet, I know why. I know why, but I don't want to say.
"Hey." The boy calls, continuing to hold me. "Do you remember what dad always used to say? You do, right?"
I nod into the fabric of his robe, I force the words out. "There, there are some times when y-you can either laugh--"
"Or you can cry," he adds.
"--and crying, crying is for girls." I finish with a sniffle. I feel him nod above me.
"That's right. Good memory." He says brightly, just like, like he did when we would study together. I don't reply, can't reply.
"And it's good advice, really. Really, it is." He continues to gently run his fingers through my hair.
"There are some times when you can either laugh, or you can cry." He repeats, lowering his head to rest against mine.
"You can cry, Suki." He whispers.
So I do.
I cry for him, I cry for me, I cry for fear and relief and some strange blend of the two, of it all. I sit there with him and cry into his chest for what feels like hours, like days. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't move at all, just continues to hold me close. When my tears finally stop I look up, I stare up into those tired but bright green eyes, and Seiji smiles back down at me.
“Better, right?” He asks. I nod.
Seiji continues to smile, he closes his eyes for a moment as if I’d just paid him some kind of compliment. Then he looks back at me.
"Won’t you have a seat?" He asks, giving the space next to him a pat. It's nothing, of course. All around us is nothing, just an immense darkness, a never ending black. But I comply, detaching myself to sit beside him and then immediately take his arm in mine. Our legs are dangling as if from a ledge, and I know that below us must be the hole that he pulled me from.
Seiji turns to look out at the nonexistent horizon, smiling contentedly. He's still wearing that too-familiar black outfit, the one that's haunted my dreams for the past year. But it's him, it’s all him. I don't have any doubt, this isn't just one more cruel trick. As if to prove it, my brother reaches inside his robe and produces something pearly white. He holds it before him, stares down at it as his expression grows harder to read.
"Why do you still have that?" I ask, grimacing at the sight. Seiji looks up.
"You tell me, Suki." He says softly, his gaze searching. In an instant I move forward to snatch it from his grasp, I pull my arm back and throw with all my might.
I don't see where the mask goes. I'm not watching. I'm looking at Seiji, and he's staring right back at me.
"Good move." He says simply, another warm smile spreading across his face. I feel myself returning it, I've missed that smile. I'm glad that I'm seeing it now.
I lean into him, rest my head on his shoulder. I feel safe now, but I... I know that this will end. I'll have to wake up, eventually. And when I do, it will be...
"Seiji," I mumble, a mix of fear and doubt, a weight beginning to return to my chest again. "Can I do this?"
The boy next to me says nothing for a few long moments. I turn my head to look up at him, he meets my gaze.
"You tell me, Suki." He says again, looking at me carefully. But I don't have an answer, this time.
When I don't respond, Seiji closes his eyes. He moves to put his arm around me, giving me a gentle squeeze.
"Your turn is almost over, Suki." He whispers. He opens his eyes again, he gives me a smile, but his face, his eyes are tinged with pain.
"Don't miss."
The dream ends.
It's quiet.
Strangely enough, that's the first thing that comes to mind as I stand in the center of my messy, cluttered, comfy bedroom.
My alarm is off, we didn't need it today. The practice exam isn't until the evening, we slept in. But time just kept ticking onward, and here we are. Here I am. My body feels so heavy and I'm tired, I'm tired, even though I'm wide awake.
Beyond my window, the sky is gray and cloudy. But it's...
I blink, I bite my lip. It's funny, but. I don't remember what the weather was like, that day. I don't remember what we did before we walked down the hill, how long we waited at the bus stop, or anything like that.
I don't remember the last thing we talked about. The last thing he said. The last thing we did together with my parents.
What about them? Do they remember? Do they...
No no, don't do that. Don't. Hisao will be here any minute, we have to leave. Any minute.
Still...
They probably remember. They probably talked to him over the phone. They probably said goodbye. We love you.
Take care of yourself.
I draw in a long breath of air, then let it out. Today is Sunday. My parents called, and we talked about how things are going. My mom and my dad told me about when they took their college entrance exams, my dad failed his three times before he finally got in. My mom, she said that was wrong, it was actually four.
Eventually, they said goodbye. We love you.
Please, please, please take care of yourself.
We hung up. Time went on, and now I'm just standing here, staring out my window and hoping that no one will wish they could remember this day.
My door is open, but I hear the sound of knuckles rapping on the frame. I turn, Hisao is standing there. Sweatervest. Jacket. Smile. Bags under his eyes.
"Ready?" He asks. I move my head up and down. We're going to be out past dark tonight, it will probably get cold, so he, he lent me his spare jacket again. Of course I have my own coats, sweatshirts, things like that. But his are better because they're his.
I suddenly realize that I forgot to check his wardrobe. But that's... that's okay, right? Because we'll go to the city, and then we'll come back. Both of us, and I'll get to check then, I'll be sure to check then. Right?
Right?
"Right." Hisao says softly, stepping forward. He puts his hands in my pockets, his pockets, and tugs me the last few inches until our chests are touching.
"D-did I say that part out loud?" I mumble, eyes widening.
"Nah." He replies, suddenly so close, so close to me. He's... he's warm.
"I'm just psychic." He says.
Liar. "Then read my mind." I smile weakly, looking up into his eyes. He stares down into mine, his gaze flickering back and forth as if he's searching every corner of me. But he doesn’t have to look very hard. He doesn’t have to go very far.
"Don't be scared." He whispers. I close my eyes, take another deep breath. Psychic liar.
"Make me."
I expect to feel his lips on mine, but Hisao plants a gentle kiss on my forehead instead. Then he leans his head down to rest his forehead against mine, our noses just barely touching. I open my eyes, his are closed.
The feeling hasn’t gone away. The trembling, lingering and lurking panic, it won’t go away.
It’s quiet, and I’m scared.
I thought my heart would stop beating so fast, once it set in that the sound of an engine was just another passing car and not the bus. But my pulse won't slow, I can’t manage to fill my lungs and my throat, my throat just keeps getting tighter.
Another familiar rumbling and sputtering, my hands are balled into fists in the pockets of my jacket. Hisao's jacket. I stare at the road in front of us, trying to keep my breathing steady, regular, the car passes us and I still have to keep trying. A few more minutes of this and my heart is pounding, my head is pounding. I clench my eyes shut, please, please calm down. We've ridden on a bus before. We weren't alone then, and we're not alone now.
Another engine, no, calm down.
"There it is." Hisao says, no, no, no.
I open my eyes to look and he’s right, the bus is here. Rounding the corner. Stopping in front of us. Opening its door.
Hisao gives me a tired smile, he leads the way, walks forward and steps up and onto the bus. But I can't move my legs.
I... no, it doesn't matter if I can't do this, I have to. I have to do this for Hisao, he, he says he needs me. For emotional support.
Miki is going to be there when it's over, she'll, she'll want to hear how things went. And my parents, I have to do this for them, they want, my mom wants me to have a future, remember? She wants me to be happy, and my dad, he...
...He...
I remember. I remember the first time my father had laughed, after Seiji died. The first real time, that is, when he finally meant it again. It took months, and after he was done he just, he hugged me so tightly, like he never wanted to let go. Like he was afraid he would never get to hug me again.
I remember the way my parents had cried and held me, when they found me at the hospital. I remember looking at a painting of a girl, and their arms around me then, the words they said. My mother’s tears running down my hair, my father’s shaking claims that everything would be okay.
I look up at Hisao, standing there above me, and in that moment, I know.
I know that wherever he goes after this, I can't follow.
The boy on the bus, the one I've come to know so well, he was craning his neck to find a good pair of seats, but he stops and turns back to me. Looks at me, but doesn't say anything.
I can't look into those eyes anymore, those warm brown eyes. I stare at the asphalt below us.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." He says, but his voice is hollow. I dare to glance up for only an instant, his gaze is fixated on the ground as well. His face is wooden.
"I'll call you." Hisao says blankly. "When it's done. I'll let you know when I'm coming back."
"Okay." I nod. I want to wrap my arms around myself, but I keep my hands in my pockets. His pockets.
He takes a step backward, he moves to the center aisle of the bus. He still won't look at me.
"Hisao." I might regret this. But I look up, I give him the biggest, brightest smile I can possibly manage.
I will regret this.
"Good luck." I say.
Hisao smiles back, but his lips are trembling just the tiniest bit, his expression is threatening to crack.
"Yeah." He almost whispers. "Thanks, Suzu."
I nod, keeping the smile on my face even though my eyes are burning, even though every inch of me wants to shatter. The door to the bus closes, I’m smiling. Hisao sinks into the nearest seat. I'm smiling. He's gone, I'm...
The bus turns another corner, disappears. Hot, wet tears are spilling down my face. I'm sobbing. I'm walking with trembling steps, back up the hill, back through the gate, clutching my shoulders so tightly that my knuckles are white.
It's Sunday. The grounds are almost deserted, but it's, it's lucky that the main building is open, and I don't have to go up any stairs.
I'm knocking on their door, a few moments later it opens and two sets of eyes are staring at me inquisitively. It's lucky, I'm lucky that they're here.
"Suuchan...?"
I sniff, wipe my eyes to no avail.
"Please." I whisper. Hisao, he said once.
He said we both had such bad luck.
“E7.” Misha states carefully, watching my face for any signs of reaction.
“Miss.” I reply halfheartedly, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice despite the fact that my cruiser is safe and sound, tucked in a corner of the map. At her friend's translation, Shizune shrugs, staring at me expectantly. She makes a few cautious gestures.
“Well? It's your turn.”
My gaze drifts from the plastic pieces of the game in front of me to the girl at the other end of the wooden table.
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