Solamente
“It's to your left!” Hisao calls. Okay, so, that would be over--
“Your other left!” Miki chimes in. Is she lying? Is he? What if they both are?
Unable to choose between left or left, or left-left, or... whatever, I take a few more hesitant steps forward. Maybe this is like a trust exercise, and instead of falling and having someone catch you--I'm pretty sure they're all used to that by now anyway--there's just a blindfold, a stick, and a watermelon that's about to get it in the shorts. Or it will, if I can find the damn thing.
“Use the hypotenuse!”
“Hisao, I will end you!” I reply, waving my stick in the direction that I'm pretty sure he's in. I hear his laugh, but it's coming from behind me now, I swear he's cheating.
But I can deal with him later. For now, where is that watermelon?
“Turn to your right.” My dad grunts. I comply, and can almost sense a presence in front of me. In my imagination, it's hard on the outside and fruity on the inside and now is my chance to strike!
“Time for you to go!” I cry, heaving my stick above my head.
“Suzu, wai--”
“Hyaa!” I swing with all my might, which admittedly isn't a lot. We've been at the beach for a few hours now and I'm starting to get tired. But I put everything I have into my attack, take this!
The stick connects with something firm and, judging from the elevation, probably not a watermelon. I raise my blindfold with one hand to see Miki sitting down, her wrist brought up to block my strike. She's glaring at me.
“You're fired.” She mutters.
“B-but who will side your kicks?” I protest, turning to look around. “Besides, he said it was...”
I'm not even close to the watermelon in question, it's about ten whole feet away. I haven't moved that far and, and I could swear that it was only a little bit from the umbrella when we first started so...
“Why is it over there.” I mumble, straightening up. I glance back at the others, they're exchanging guilty looks, even my dad!
“We... may have been moving it.” Hisao confesses. Miki is grinning now.
“You're the one who's fired!” I pout, crossing my arms. It turns out to be a little more difficult while still holding my stick, but I think I'll keep it for a little longer.
“Come on, all we did was postpone its execution a bit.” Hisao spreads his hands in a peacemaking gesture. He steps forward, smiling at me.
“Don't worry, that watermelon will pay for its crimes.” He says.
“But you're the guilty one!” I reply, brandishing my stick. Still smiling, Hisao gently pries it from my grasp, depositing it on the ground where it can threaten watermelons and boys with arrhythmia no more. He's... he's lucky that I'm tired. And that, unlike him, I don't carry grudges. It's usually too hard to remember them after the next unscheduled downtime anyway.
I try to keep up my pouting expression, but it's impossible in the face of that smile. I'm not even that hungry for watermelon, it just seemed like a shame to lug it all the way here and then not give it a proper send off. Although I guess if I was a watermelon, um, I wouldn't really enjoy the idea of people strapping on blindfolds and trying to find me and snuff out my short, fruity existence. I would probably be grateful to have people like these guys, who would move me around so that I wouldn't get smashed and--
Miki has produced a beach ball from our pile of supplies and gone about the task of inflating it. Holding it to her chest as if escorting a bomb or something, she strides in between us, breaking the spell. I realize that Hisao has just been watching me, a look of patient amusement on his face.
“Come on.” Miki says, raising an eyebrow at us. “Last one in the water is a rotten egg.”
I guess we can go over who is and isn't fired later, I feel up to a swim. I hear the rustling of a newspaper behind us and turn to see my father sitting back down in the shade of the umbrella, already obscured from vision by black and white print. It's an improvement over the sight of him in those shorts and terrible Hawaiian shirt, with a thick layer of sunscreen still coating his nose.
“Taking one for the team, old man?” Miki calls.
“You're walking home.” He replies. The three of us exchange grins, although Miki looks like she's actually considering it, she hasn't gone running all week.
Maybe there will be time for that later, though. Pulling my blindfold all the way off, I toss it towards my dad and then steal the ball from Miki, running towards the water and hoping that I don't trip or pass out because if I did it would it would be really embarrassing.
“Cheater!” Miki cries, I hit the water and can hear her splashing after me only a moment later.
I turn my head to shout back, “You're one to tal--”
Something in the corner of my eye grabs my attention. I stop, Miki catches up to me in an instant and snatches the ball back.
“Too slow, Suzu.” She chides, scampering out of reach.
“You're totally still fired!” I retort, tearing my gaze away. I brace myself to withstand an oncoming wave and then move to return the ball as Miki hits it to me, focusing on the game. Move here, catch it, hit it back!
There's Hisao, see if he can catch this one. Pound it, or, or spike it? Is that what it's called?
He's bad at this. Here, he's about to hit it back, look at him. Keep your eyes on him. Don't look at the beach.
Miki's turn now. Don't look at the pair of small children, a brother and a sister, walking hand in hand towards waiting parents.
Don't remember how that used to be you. Hit the ball.
Don't think about how it will never be like that again. It's your turn.
Play the game, Suki.
“...ey!”
“...ake up!”
There's a noise, what is... someone's calling me? I turn my head towards the source, what was--
A beach ball is suddenly flying at my face, I raise my hands just in time to prevent direct impact. The soft plastic bounces off me with a thud, landing in the water at my waist.
Well that explains things. I look up, look in the direction that the projectile had come from and see a brown girl in a bikini frowning at me.
“Attention space cadet!” She huffs, striding through the waves towards me. She reaches down to grab the ball, lifting it up to--to bop me on the head with, ugh.
Miki's annoyed expression fades in an instant. “Are you falling asleep on us?” She asks.
I shake my head, although, although it is suddenly a little heavy. My head, I mean.
“No, I'm here.” I am starting to get tired, we've been here for a few hours now. But I'm awake, I just...
Knowing I'll regret it, I glance back at the beach. That family is gone. Hisao is standing not too far away from us, he's wearing that familiar, patient look he gets when I start to space out. But he says he doesn't mind. He's said that a lot by now, and maybe I'm even starting to believe him.
Behind him and spread along the coast are small groups of other people, some of them are friends or classmates from the local schools, some are... there are more families, they're laughing and playing. Children are chasing eachother or getting into splashing contests.
No, that's right, I... I'm not falling asleep. It's just that I can't shake this feeling, this nagging notion that won't stop tugging at me. It's been there all day, really, I've just been distracted, I've just been busy. But there's something bothering me, it's been lurking in the back of my mind.
It keeps telling me that something is missing. That... that someone is missing.
Now that I think about it, this is the first time I've been here, since last year.
“If you need to take a break, just say so.” Miki says, tilting her head, I refocus my gaze on her. “We don't need you faceplanting in the ocean.”
I laugh, but that's... that's probably a given. I mean, it's like a fact of life. Rain falls. Trees grow. And if there's something really big and I'm near it, I'm eventually going to try my hand at sleeping on it.
It doesn't really bother me, though. I won't be around to worry about the splash and, and as long as someone, Miki or Hisao or my dad, as long as they're here to grab me if I go forwards instead of backwards, then it's not really that big a deal. Worse things have--
No.
No, I... I want to give Miki a bright smile, tell her that I'm fine and continue playing. I want to be fine, I do, but... I really am very tired now. I think I'm due for a nap, maybe I'm lucky that I haven't already passed out before.
I open my mouth to say something, anything, I don't know, but all I end up doing is pitching sideways. Miki catches me, pushing against me with her weight to make up for her only having one hand, and in a few moments I feel a second set of hands supporting me. Well... a full set now. That... that makes three total.
“Looks like it's time for a break after all.” Miki says quietly, although she doesn't sound upset. I don't know if I want a break, I... I suddenly don't find the idea of sleep very attractive, I don't know what I'll dream about. But I guess I don't really have a choice, I feel like a rag doll. The last things I see before my eyes close and refuse to open again are the faces of my best friend and my boyfriend, their features obscured by the glare of the sun.
It's all going dark now. Don't... don't think about what he looks like, with just the silhouette of that messy hair. Don't think about who it could be instead, because... because it's not.
It's not.
I don't know if I dream good things or bad things or any things at all, the next thing I know for sure is that Miki is gently shaking me.
“Hey.” She says, her tone hushed. “Suzu, wake up.”
“What. What? Is the beach on fire?” I groan, blinking up at her. There's... there's a towel underneath me and a sky over top of me and something's next to me. What is?
Miki raises a finger to her lips, a mischievous look on her face. My head is still heavy, but I turn to see a body lying next to mine on the towel. Not just any body though, it's... it's Hisao's body. I mean, it's Hisao. He's completely passed out, resting on his side with his head against the ground. The sight brings a smile to my lips right away, I mean, maybe if I didn't have bad dreams, now I know why. Maybe.
I move to scoot closer to him but Miki clucks her tongue. “Hey, hey.” She calls, still keeping her voice low.
“What.” I glance at her groggily, Hisao is... he's right here and, and it's been weeks since I've woken up next to him and. Um. I want to cuddle. But Miki's eyes are gleaming.
“You two can be gaylords all you want for a whole week, but tomorrow, I'm going to be on a train headed home, remember?”
“Oh.” I mumble, looking from her to Hisao and then back again. What... what does she want to do? I think I'm awake by now, but...
Miki gets to her knees, leaning forward and carefully prodding the slumbering boy next to me. He doesn't even come close to stirring, has he been getting enough sleep? Is it my fault, did he used to do this before he started staying up all night or napping along with me and messing up his sleep schedule?
Maybe I'll ask Hisao when he wakes up, if I can remember. But until then, I get the feeling that Miki has something sinister in store for him. She moves to whisper in my ear and so help me, a grin spreads across my face and I feel so guilty about it but. Yeah, this is happening.
“So Hisao.” I take a seat on the soft sand, glancing down at him. “Is it safe to say you've been staying up too late these days?”
He frowns, choosing to stare straight ahead instead of looking over at me. “Maybe.” He mutters.
I remember that I wanted to ask him if it might be my fault. But I guess I already know the answer, what with our talking over the phone since the start of the break, and all the times before that when he would wait until I was up again before doing things together.
“Has anyone ever told you that you're a fairly heavy sleeper at times?” I do my best to look completely innocent. Hisao grimaces at me.
“This is because of the watermelon, isn't it?” He gripes. “It was Miki's idea.”
“Nope.”
“Then is it because of that day with the markers? Because that was Miki's idea too, I told you that.”
“But you went along with it. And no, it's not because of that.” If I had 100 yen for every time someone has doodled on my face when I passed out, I would have enough money to hire someone to beat people up if they tried to doodle on my face when I passed out.
I glance over at his head, the only part of him that isn't currently buried in the sand. It hadn't been easy, digging a Hisao-sized hole, sliding his sleeping body into it and then sealing him up, but me and Miki had managed to pull it off. It was all worth it to see the expression on his face when he finally woke up. And I guess he did kind of deserve it, that marker had taken forever to wash off. Not that I'm really the kind to carry a grudge, it's just, I don't know. Well, maybe I am. But when Miki had suggested we put my sleeping boyfriend to good use, I guess I got kind of carried away with her scheme.
It was her idea, after all. And it was nice to have something to do. To take my mind off things.
It's a little before sunset now, our time at the beach is coming to an end. It really has been a fun day, we all went for a swim, Hisao's splashing technique was woefully underdeveloped and left him with little defense against me and Miki's combined onslaught. Then we tracked down some food, and just relaxed on the beach again for a bit, letting our stomachs settle before taking on the waves again. Then... the watermelon. But it won't be able to escape justice forever.
It's been a good day so far, a great one. And it's not quite over yet, I should still--
“I'm sorry, okay? Will you dig me out now?”
“No.”
I should still have time to build a sand castle. If I want to. If I need to?
I stare out at the ocean, watching the sunlight reflect off the water. Today really has been a lot of fun, I... I do feel a lot better. Summer vacation is almost over, I... made it. I survived. And even though I probably would have lived through it either way, I know it would have been much, much more miserable if I didn't have my friends. If I didn't have Miki and Hisao. Oh, right, Hisao!
He's still staring at me with pursed lips. We were careful not to pack the sand around him too tight, I should be able to get him out of there by myself. Miki had apparently thought to bring her athletic shoes with her, she stuck around just long enough to watch Hisao's reaction and then went for a run. She claims that nothing beats running with the ocean at your side, I think I'll just take her word on that instead putting it to the test.
“You'd probably like to get out of there, huh?” I ask, smiling at him. He nods, which only has the effect of bumping his chin into the sand, I can't stop from grinning at the sight.
“Before the tide comes in, please.” He says.
“Fine, fine.” I move to crouch in front of him, beginning to scrape away the sand surrounding what appears to be his severed head. “Hold still.”
About five minutes of digging and a dip in the water to get the last bits of sand off later, Hisao is sitting next to me on the shore, watching the setting sun begin to dye the sky a golden color.
“That's the last time I let my guard down around you.” He mutters, frowning at me.
“You're just lucky we didn't pack any markers.” I reply, his frown melts away. He shakes his head, we both look back at the water as a warm breeze blows past us.
“Thank you for today, Hisao. Thank you for...” I steal a glance at him. “For coming.”
“Hey, you don't have to thank me for anything. I wanted to see you too.” He says, smiling at me for a moment before looking back to the waves.
“Plus, I haven't really been to the beach since I was a little kid.” He says. He looks like he's holding warm memories in his mind, I lean closer, intrigued.
“That's right, you're one of them city-folk, aren't you?” I tease.
“And you're a slack-jawed yokel, I forget sometimes.”
“Who are you calling--” I begin, but he whirls towards me and moves in for a kiss before I can react. I almost want to resist just to spite him, but... moments later I realize that's a stupid idea and I'm glad I didn't go through with it. One peck, two, I giggle as he puts a hand to my head and leans up to kiss my forehead. Then he sits back down again, warm orange sunlight washing over him as he stares back at me.
“Not... not a lot of slack there.” I mumble, feeling my face grow warm. But I can't wipe this stupid smile from my lips, and he's doing everything he can not to mirror my expression.
“I couldn't really tell you what a yokel is anyway.” He replies, tearing his gaze away. I laugh.
After a few moments of silence, I decide to continue the conversation we were having, before he... he did something that was nice and was fine by me and, maybe later, more of that.
“So you only went to the beach when you were little?” I ask.
“Well...” He shrugs. “It was never too far away, you know? I guess that was kind of why.”
He inhales deeply, looking like he's savoring the scent of ocean air. “It was always there.” He says. “So it was easy to get carried away with things that seemed more important.”
“Yeah, I guess I can understand that.” I reply, digging at the sand with my foot. It was kind of the opposite for me, I've lived in this area pretty much my entire life, but when I was little, I... I loved day trips into the city, as long as my family was there. As long as we were all together.
I suppose I like sturdy things, like the ocean. Hisao is right, it's always there and it's not going to just dry up one day. I guess I like things that are always there and... and will probably still be there, when I wake up.
But some of the most important things aren't... they aren't like that.
“What about you?” He asks, bursting my bubble of thoughts before it can get too big. And that's, that's fine with me, except...
“Well as you can see, I don't live too far away.” I reply, still watching the way the sunlight paints the beach in a thick orange glow. “I used to come here a lot. And...”
I falter for a second, it's been on my mind, but does Hisao... does he need to know? Does even want to know? I glance at him, he's watching me curiously.
Will this hurt too? Does it hurt now? Yes, yes it does. But I hold on to the feeling of his kiss, inside and out, I try to take strength from the fact that he's right here next to me. He's been open with me. He deserves the same. I guess.
“I came here a lot.” I say, giving him a smile that I don't know if I believe myself. “I really like it here, it's...”
“It's kind of nice and simple.” I continue, turning again to stare at the waves that gently lap at the shore before us. “No surprises, no mysteries. It's not scary at all.”
“Unless there's a shark attack.” Hisao raises an eyebrow.
“I hope you get eaten first.” I pout, but he grins.
“Go on.” He urges. “Please.”
Fine then. “I like swimming, but it's not very easy because... you know. So a lot of the time, I would sit on the shore,” I blink, recalling for the second time today all the kingdoms I had raised, “and build sand castles.”
Hisao smiles, waiting for me to continue and I do, at the first mention of my brother he perks up. He watches me intently, laughs when I describe Seiji as a lumbering monstrosity, he gets this gentle look when I talk about the entire worlds we would build. I'm so caught up in telling him about the methods to our madness that I forget to even feel guilt or pain as I talk about the days we spent, the suns that set, that time we found a crab and made it king of the cas--
“Excuse me.” A young voice cuts in. It's so unexpected that I immediately lose track of where I was in my story, I look over and see the... the two kids from earlier. The siblings, a...
A big brother, and a little sister.
“Excuse me.” The older boy repeats. He's still holding the girl's hand like the first time I had caught sight of them, she peers at us shyly, almost trying to disappear behind him.
“H-hi.” I say numbly.
“Have you seen our parents anywhere?” He asks, biting his lip and looking nervous for a second. But then, then he glances down at his sister before looking back at me, his face hardening in determination.
I smile, suddenly feeling so old and mature and responsible and I would trade it all, I would trade everything in the world if the hole suddenly opening up inside of me would just go away. If I could just stop feeling like I want to go somewhere dark and safe and hide, and maybe never come out, I just--
Hisao gives me a gentle prod, I glance over at him a little too quickly, he's looking me straight in the eyes. I'm still smiling but it's fake, it's so fake, and I think he knows it. But, that's right.
I run a lot. And he knows that too.
“What do they look like?” I ask, turning back to them, trying to make sure my voice doesn't quiver. The boy has to think a little too hard about it, but he gives the description of a man and woman that I remember seeing before, and again, not too long ago.
“That way.” I point, both their faces light up. I wish I could say that made me feel better. The brother nods his thanks and even the sister gives me a nervous smile, they turn and begin to walk, I know I'm staring at them as they go. I can feel Hisao's eyes on me, his hand is gently touching my shoulder--
“Wait!”
They stop, glancing back at us curiously, at me. I look at the boy, I look at the girl. And I...
I clench my jaw, standing up and taking a few steps towards them.
I turn to the boy. “You're the oldest, right?”
He looks perplexed by the question, but he nods. “Yup! I'm the big brother.” He replies with a grin.
I put everything I have into smiling back at him. “And that means you watch out for your little sister, right?”
“Huh? Well, yeah. Of course.”
Of course. My smile widens, fake, real, I don't know.
“But you!” I point at the small girl. She almost jumps back in surprise, staring at me with wide eyes.
“You have to watch out for him too!” I can still feel Hisao watching me, but that's all he's doing for now, even as I have to try harder and harder to keep my words, keep my lips from trembling.
“Big brothers take care of their sisters, but they aren't perfect!” I continue, my eyes beginning to burn.
“They make mistakes. They get hurt too, and when, when that happens, their sister has to be there!”
I don't really expect them to have any idea what I'm talking about. But I just don't want... I don't want anyone to ever have to...
...I'm sorry, Seiji.
I'm so, so sorry.
“When he gets into trouble.” I force the words out, I'm staring at the sand now, I can't look up any longer. “You have to be there for him. You have to take care of him, just like he takes care of you.”
“Can you do that?” I risk a glance up at them, at her, knowing that my brave front is beginning to crack. The little girl looks confused, of course, she's far too young to understand, but... but she's staring at me with something akin to wonder. She nods, gripping her brother's hand tightly.
“Good.” I give them both a wide smile, I... I need to send them off. I need to sit down.
I need the boy who sits a few feet away from me.
“Now go home.” I mumble, unable to come up with anything else that doesn't sound cliched. The brother gives me a long, curious look, but they turn to go, their speed increasing as they catch sight of their parents further down the beach. I look away as the father scoops the little girl up in his arms, the mother hugs her son, they're, they're all together and everything’s all right for them.
My fingernails are digging into my palms as I walk back over to Hisao and sit down beside him. A horse, a horse.
My kingdom for a horse. But, but right now, I think he'll do. I hope he'll do. He looks like he's willing to wrap his arms around me if I want, but I feel too numb even for that. I just scoot closer until our shoulders are touching, I take his arm in both of mine, holding his hand tightly. He doesn't say anything for a long time, I just close my eyes.
Now I know for sure, I don't want to build a sand castle. It will be dark soon and, and even if I had time, it's not fair. It's not right.
And it's not the same, without him.
“Suzu...” Hisao finally speaks up. I open my eyes, he's looking at me, his expression melancholy this time.
Again, I don't think he knows quite what to say. What are you supposed to say at a time like this? To things like this? How does anyone--
“I can't pretend that it's anything close to what you've been through. What you're going through.” Hisao frowns, chewing on his words carefully. “But I have lost someone before.”
I... I stare back at him, now I'm the one who doesn't really know what to say. Go on, Hisao. Please?
“Like I said, I know it's not the same. But I had an uncle. My father's brother, a couple of times a month he would come to visit.” Hisao gives me a tiny smile.
He looks back at the ocean, the sun has almost completely set by now. “Every time he did, he would take me out to eat noodles at the same place. I was pretty young, but I remember him being nice, he was loud and brash and he laughed at almost everything.”
A real, genuine smile flickers across his lips, but he grows somber again.
“Then, one day, a month had gone by without him visiting.” He glances at me for a moment, then looks away. “My parents came home wearing all black. I wanted to know why, they said that my uncle was gone. That he had died in a car accident.”
“Hisao...”
But he's not done. “After that, my parents took me to the same restaurant that I always went to with him. But...”
He frowns. “I don't know. It was like it didn't taste the same, somehow, everything was different.” He looks back at me, now my lips are trembling again.
“So if that's anything like what you--”
“Hisao.” I'm, I'm going to start crying again. Hisao, I'm going to start crying. He's learned the signs by now, he turns his body and I plant my face in his shoulder. He stops holding my hand only so he can bring his own hand up to gently stroke my hair.
“Today was really fun.” I say into his skin, clamping my eyes shut as salt water begins to leak from them. “I had a good time and I'm glad you're here and, and thank you for coming.”
“B-but Hisao, I...” I suck in a breath, my voice is trembling. He reaches forward with his other arm to hold mine, pulling me closer.
“I don't think I ever loved the ocean.” I choke, tears beginning to run down my face. Hisao just continues to hold me close, he leans his head down against mine.
I've run out of words, but, but he hasn't run out of... of patience, or warmth, or just being there. That's all I want, right now. That's enough for me.
We stay like that for what feels like a long time. When I open my eyes again to look up at him, I want to meet his gentle gaze. But I'm too distracted by the fact that the sun has set, the very first stars can be seen twinkling in the sky above.
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