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“You are too honest, Satou.”

“What would you have me believe? Principal? That life is a fairy tale? Because it is not. Look at us. We are crippled boys and disabled girls. There is no happy ending for any of our kind, especially if we fall in love with each other. We need someone who is normal, to have any kind of chance in this cruel world. This cold world, where our little lives don't count at all.”

“Saki once told me that, that we are so small in this world. Yet, what we believe in can still shape the lives of millions, if not the fate of nations. Eleanor Roosevelt was someone who believed.”

“She's the bloody wife of the U.S. President, of course people listen to every word she spouts. If she was an old baker lady on some back alley, who do you think she'd inspire with the exact same words?”

I'm angry. I want to slap Satou.

“She would have kept trying. Even if she wasn't the First Lady, she would never have given up on what she believed.”

“But how far would she have gone? Life is about advantages, having the bigger stick. We are born at a disadvantage, and so no one gives a sh*t.”

I stand up and slap Satou.

I've knocked over his cup, spilling tea onto my office table.

My breathing is rapid with anger, his face mournful and marked red.

“I regret it, Satou. I regret loving Saki. That was her real name. She showed me her family plate. Her mother made it for her, painted her true name so she would know. The only memory she had of her mother, who died before the concentration camp closed. The only link to her home country and heritage, that she never had the chance to know. An identity that she was forever prejudiced against-”

“I'm sorry.. princip-”

“I regret loving my soulmate, I regret staying with her in America. Hiding from the government trying to find and deport me. Hiding from my own family. But they found me anyway, threw Saki aside, crying on the floor, and took me home to face my father. He hated me, he spat on me. Then he disowned me.”

“Principal.. I didn't-”

“I worked in a brothel, cleaning the toilets and the filthy rooms. I wanted to kill myself. I took a bottle of cleaning acid and looked at it every day, wondering if hanging my head would be more honorable. But I forced myself to keep living, to wait for Saki's letters, that always seemed to come too late.”

“I'm sorry!”

“I met someone rich and powerful in Hiroshima, with rope in my hands and about to hang myself on a tree. I was forced to let go and get rid of the rope, then fell to my knees and cried into my filthy hands. I smelled like feces, but I was taken care of. I was given a warm bath in clean water, fresh clothes and expensive dishes every meal. I was given a home. I was given back my life.”

“I'm sorry....”

“I married. And I had to write to Saki, telling her I'm sorry. I'm sorry I loved her. I'm sorry I betrayed her. I'm sorry for not being strong enough. It was the last letter between us. She never wrote back. Only after, when it was too late, did I learn that she died on a breathing machine.”

“principal... can you do that? If you knew it was going to happen? Could you still do that.. to Saki?”

“Pardon?”

“I know my Pa will want to cut me off, if I bring Kaori back with me. It's fine if my older brother brings home a blind woman, but not me. Because he's handsome, he's got a good position in life. He's not blind. I am. I'm already a shame to the family. And Kaori... her blindness is a genetic fault, what do you think my Pa will do? ...If I 'tainted' his family blood?”

“I told you... my story, because I want you to believe... Lionel. I want you to believe that you... have a choice. You have 'Today'. And tomorrow would be too late.”

“I love Kaori, Principal! I love her! And I want to be with her forever. But because I love her... I can't. I can't do what you did, I can't take away her chance for a more normal life, a happier life with someone else. Someone other than me. Someone who isn't blind, someone who isn't so... small, in this world.”

“You are not small, Lionel. No one can make you feel inferior, not without your consent.”

“Then why did you want to kill yourself?”

A simple question, from a student I'm impatient with, a former delinquent who is facing the same choices as I was. Yet, I have to admit that the answer only proves him right.

I sit down, calmly thinking over everything we said.

“You are right, Lionel. Perhaps.. I am too old now, filled with regret. Waiting to die alone. So I've troubled you with... stories of choices.., of consequences you seem to have already considered.”

“Did you say goodbye... to Saki?”

“Yes.” I barely speak, under the strain of memory. “I wish I could have said it better, than through a letter.”

“Does it bother you? More than the guilt and regret?”

“P-Pardon?”

“The mistake of having loved someone, whom you never should have let yourself love. Yet, a small part of your soul wishes you could have said goodbye.”

“I was afraid... Saki would hate me. If I told her in person. If I saw her one last time.”

“Then.. maybe that is my choice.”

“Lionel?”

“That is what I can do, to say goodbye to Kaori. Even if she will hate me for it. Even if it will hurt us both. ...But it could silence the regret we feel, in that small part of our souls.”

“Perhaps...”

The tissues grew damp and cold, absorbing the spilled tea on my table. They almost reminded me of snow, as I threw them in the waste bin and poured Satou another cup of tea.

Satou heard someone waiting at the door, he got up and swung it open. It was Ikezawa, waiting for him. They immediately greeted and insulted each other immaturely. Those two shared the strangest friendship I have ever observed.

I told Satou we should meet again at a later time, Ikezawa said he didn't mind waiting. But I assured them both that I've had a lot on my mind. I needed some time alone, to think things over.


I came here, to the Shanghai tea house. Alone in the evening, like I often do, to remember her.

There are no customers at the moment. Silent and still, the tea house has grown dark in rainy weather, and had let in a heavy shadow to hang over empty chairs at empty tables.

I softly slip past the waiter asleep at the counter, and prepare my own meal in the small kitchen. While picking the lettuce and tomatoes, I calculate again in my head the cost of keeping this establishment alive, but stop myself midway. I don't want to know. This place is for Saki's memory, that's why I built it.

Walking carefully with my tray, I sit alone beside the window, and slowly start on my light dinner; turkey sandwich and free soup.

It was her favorite meal, a special order of the day, but any day just for her, just so long as she gave them her dazzling smile, a sweetness that brightened up their day, every day, at Little Joe's.

Quietly listening to the whispering rain. I wonder what carefree song Saki in heaven is singing...

[Insert Song: Rhythm of The Rain by Dan Fogelberg]

A flurry of rain rises to a rattle on the window, waking me up from my dream...

In the rainy light of a blue morning sky, I greet my good friend the breathing machine 'Hello' again, and thank him for his diligence and patience with me.

The ceiling... it's still the only thing I ever see. And it's always the same old brownish color. It sometimes reminds me... of a warm cup of strong tea with seven teaspoons of sugar. And if I look at it and imagine hard enough, I can almost see tiny little waves and smell the delicious taste. Mmmmm~.

Someone cries out in agony..., 'Florence', my favorite nurse who I've never been told his real name, is busy calming another patient. Hmm, I'll say 'Hello' to him if he comes by my bed.

While I can't turn my head anymore to look out the window, I can still smell the fresh scent of rain drumming gently on the glass pane, bringing back memories of when I used to run freely about my university, and in the winter months when I played in the snow with my love.

Oh.. Aiwana.., my love. If somehow, someway God willing, you could hear my thoughts right now. Maybe one day, on a beautiful rainy day, just like this, in our mountain in Japan, as you look out the window, and remember again the time we had, and long for the memories we shared ...maybe you would hear my voice, and we could talk to each other, ...maybe not for long, ..but just one last time.

I remember dancing with you, the first dance of my life not with a wooden chair. I remember it really hurt when I spun my old chair too fast, and hit myself in the leg. But I was worried you'd think I was stupid or silly, or you'd never see me past your pity. I'd be really hurt, if you couldn't love me for who I was, if I was but a walking corpse to you.

But you could never do that to me, not like how my friends treated me. They either picked on me, or were too kind with me. They couldn't be my friends, they were blinded by their own sympathy for me. And I was happy when you came to me, and proved to me that I deserved to be a person. That I can believe in 'Today', even when tomorrow would bring only sorrow, and I could never fly away from yesterday.


I don't mind what I've become anymore, I don't get bed sores since Florence is so nice with me. Well, he's nice to all the other patients too, but I smile brightly for him whenever he helps wash me and turn me in bed everyday. He used to actually see me smile at him, before the doctors had to put the breathing tube in my mouth. ...But I think he knows I'm smiling brightly anyway, and happily shouting 'Hello' and 'Good Morning' and 'Thank You' in my mind.

Whenever I'm alone.. which would be almost all the time, I live free in the days we shared together, when we would sit on a hill and name all the pretty colors we saw at sunset. I wanted to go fishing with you in Japan, I'd imagine it too-- but I don't actually know what my home country looks like.. but we still went climbing on that little hill we came across. Remember that day?

I summited that great tiny hill with a wide smile, and felt so sure that I could conquer Mount Everest in a day. Remember how I told you I wanted to climb on Mr. Fuji's back? And you asked me “Huh?” And I said “Mr. Fuji! You know! Fuji-san! Mount Fujiyama-san?”

You laughed.. you laughed so beautifully when you did. I've never known someone who looked so sad and serious all the time, and yet could laugh so happily that it made me smile in my heart.

You said it was “Fuji-san” as in “Fuji-Mountain”, “san” in that case did actually mean “mountain”, rather than “Mister”. Just like in Chinese.

I said “ohhh~”, and you said “Mt. Fujiyama” would also be redundant, since “yama” also means “mountain”. --And I said “Ohhh~” again.

But I still like to call him 'Mr. Fuji'.

When we sat down on the little summit, overlooking the world and the blazing horizon, I said “How small we are... in this world. That what we do, all that we overcome and accomplish.. means nothing. Nothing at all. And yet, because we believed.. I believed, that we could climb this hill, and you believed in me, ...we are now standing at the top of the world. --Just because we believe, I think we can change the world.”

I believe... I always do.

Look at us, we're a disabled species! Our heads are too big, our bodies too soft, and we fight and kill each other for simple desires, spreading like viruses to every pristine environment. We should have died out a long time ago, our violent nature should have destroyed us a hundred times over. And yet; we've landed on the moon!

Dog packs are better adapted to survive than us, and yet we tamed the wolf and created Man's Best Friend. Which gave the world adorable puppies to pet and tummy rub! But.. that aside, what does it mean? About us? ..Do you know? --It took me a long time to figure it out.

One day-- one bright day, a long long time ago, when I was still young and able and capable with chopsticks. I ate Auntie Won Ton's noodles for breakfast, with warm dumpling-soup, while listening to Eleanor Roosevelt. And I heard the answer painted between her words; 'Believe, for the future belongs to you, if you dare believe in your dreams.'

Our bodies may be crippled, or our minds disabled, or our very nature ill-adapted. But because we believed, you and I climbed a little hill, and Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin put footprints on the moon.

I'm not being stubborn or stupid. I know I can't walk anymore, I know I can't even eat solids anymore. I can't breathe anymore... But I believe that, you would come back for me... one day.

That's not impossible, is it? I'll still be here, when you think of me, on a rainy day. When you hear my voice again, in your heart. And then you'll wake up from whatever dream is keeping you... keeping you from coming back for me. Because I believe you'll come back for me.

.....will you?

I wake up screaming her name in my mind, my breathing rapid, my gasps fearful.. What have-- What have I done? What have I done to Saki?

I sharply feel the seams in my beating heart, the surgeries have let me outlive her, and my own expectations. Yet I never even believed.

This world is not fair, Saki. It's cruel. Satou is right; you deserve to be here, alive, more than me. You deserve to have loved someone else, someone who could have come back for you, who would never have-

“It's all right...”

I hear... the honey in her voice. Almost.., as if she was...

[Insert Song: Stand By Me by Elvis Presley]

A memory comes back to me; we were eating at Little Joe's, beside the windows. She had a bite of the turkey sandwich, then her trembling hands put the diminishing bread into mine. I took a bite, savoring the taste. And I let her have the last.

I looked out the window.. a view swept over in rainy gray shadows, flowing with deep blue light... I whispered to myself, “I'm sorry Saki, that we're caught in such sorry weather.”

“It's alright, I love rainy days! It's my favorite kind of days besides sunny days!” She said to me, without a care in the world, and happily finished the bland sandwich. I didn't doubt her, she would never lie about her favorite things.

“I love you..” I said, suddenly, ..feeling downcast and lonely.

She looked at me, in surprise, frozen in the act of licking her fingers. “Hey..” she said softly, gently poking my nose and dabbing it with mayonnaise. “I love you too...”

We smiled brightly in the cold blue light of rain... happy forever to have met and loved each other, no matter what they said, no matter how brief it was, no matter what the future brought. We were together, we had each other. We shared our happiness, and we shared a small bowl of chicken soup.


This memory... it's what I've been looking for. A memory to save me.

All through the years.. after she was gone... I've been trying to find this moment again...

For her, I founded a school with our names, for disabled students with distinguished talents. We couldn't use 'Katayama', predicting that someone might vandalize it into 'Katawa-yama'.

I couldn't use Saki's name either, my spouse wouldn't allow it. So I took the kanji on her family plate. The kanji that she interpreted as 'Forever'. Thus we are together forever, our names eternally atop a high mountain, marking an accomplishment we believed in, just as Saki would have wanted.

A safe haven for special students, a place where they can believe in themselves, just as Saki believed in everyone, while her spirit watches over them in heaven.

A place ...a home ...a family. -- 'Yamaku Academy'.


I did inscribe in Braille:

“Founded by Rika Katayama & Saki Enomoto.

Yesterday we believed and climbed a hill, Tomorrow we'll walk beyond the sky.
Today is your gift, make the most of the present.”

[Insert Song: I Hung My Head by Sting]

Saki... someday.. when my weak heart finally stops, and my spirit is free to climb the tallest clouds, to join you, and watch over Yamaku... will you.., will you-

“I forgive you... Rika”

I'll smile again.. I'll laugh with you again... and we'll be together.

“I'll hold you again... Rika”

I'll hold your hand.. I'll walk with you... to the rising sun.

“I love you... Rika”

I'll be with you.. forever beside God... I'll stand by you.

After Ai.. and Ai...


After '爱' and '哀'.


“It takes courage to love, but pain through love, is the purifying fire which those who love generously, know.” - Eleanor Roosevelt.

[Insert Song: 至少还有你 by 林忆莲]

The gardens feel warm today... the gentle wind carrying the fresh scent of grass, as I walk in the sun, enjoying the first day.. of the rest of my life.

In surprise, I happen upon Lionel ...and Iwanako, sitting on the garden bench together, listening to the swaying rustle of leaves.

I smile softly... I've personally watched over many troublesome students, and I had always thought Lionel and Hinata would be inseparable, both being delinquents and sharing similar attitudes. I did not account for Setou's character, and ultimately, could not predict that she would be the one for him. -- Kaori Setou, the “Vivacious Visionary”, who tamed “The Lion from Scotland”.

Lionel seems to have noticed me, I awake from my musings about love and fate, and softly bow my head.

Iwanako doesn't notice me, as Lionel says... he says to me, that “Saki understands”.

I smile, sincerely, and say “Perhaps.”

“Can I tell the story?” Lionel asks, while Iwanako remains oblivious. “The story about having loved and lost, and the regret to have ever loved at all.”

I think deeply, on the simple question, from a young man I am proud of, beside a child I care for.

To tell of... my story.

It's a story-- about the unchangeable history of yesterdays, the unpredictable mystery of tomorrow, but-

“Not today, Lionel.” I say amicably, then curiously, I request, “Tell her your story.”

“Wh-huh?” He questions loudly, further confusing Iwanako to no end.

“I wish to hear your story, Lionel. ...If you are willing.”

Silence falls upon him, ...perhaps he's not ready. Iwanako finally turns around and starts to notice me, prompting me to continue on my way, pretending I was just passing by.

“Of hope and tears...” Lionel speaks up, drawing again Iwanako's attention. She looks back to him, seemingly completely forgetting that she noticed me.

“~On the first day of January, 1892.~” Lionel is... singing.

“~They opened Ellis Island, and they let the people through.~”

His voice is.. deep and enchanting, ...his singing is beautiful.

“~And the first to cross the threshold, of that Isle of Hope and Tears, was Annie Moore from Ireland. Who was all of fifteen years.~”

“~Isle of Hope, Isle of Tears... Isle of Freedom, Isle of Fears.. But it's not the Isle you left behind.~”

“~That Isle of Hunger, Isle of Pain. Isle you'll never see again. But the Isle of Home... is always on your mind....~”

“Did you know? Iwanako? That Annie Moore, fifteen years old from Ireland, left her home and traveled across the oceans, with her two younger brothers, and headed for America. In the winter months of 1891, she spent Christmas and New Year's out at sea.”

“Annie Moore left the hate and prejudice accorded to her for being a minority, for new prospects and maybe new hardships. She left from starving with her people, to look for hope of a better life, to find her family in a better place, to reunite with her parents in America.”

“The first immigrant, out of thousands and millions more to come, she was the first to walk on that island in New York Bay. Just for that, for being the first, the young girl who symbolized the very first steps of courage, she was spotted some pocket money, and forever remembered.”

“On the long unending flight from Scotland to Yamaku, I was thinking about her... I remembered the song, and sung it to myself. I was fifteen years old, when I touched the cold iron gates, and set foot into this school for challenged children.

Escaping scornful prejudice and wretched pity, from families that didn't know how to love us, or couldn't, we were just like Annie Moore. Bearing the pain of society's blindness to our plight, building the hope of a better life, but.. quietly yearning for the home we left behind.

[Insert Song: The New Ground / Isle of Hope, Isle of Tears by Celtic Woman]

I used to be with Hinata, you know, in my first months here. I regret what I did, I regret that I'd hide in her room past curfew, I regret having sex with her every night, and learning to smoke a pack of cigarettes I stole from Akira. My older brother.

I.. got Hinata pregnant. It wasn't too late, we went to the School Doctor, and after all the talking and listening and yelling at each other, ...we both agreed on the abortion.

The School Doctor kept quiet about it, but scolded us every chance she got, damning us and making us regret that we were so incredibly stupid. Hinata cried for a week over what we lost, I pretended it didn't happen.

We were still made to go through counseling. Mrs. Sanae helped Hinata slowly move on, while the Principal started lecturing me on responsibility and accountability.

In those counseling sessions, I sometimes heard.. well, overheard almost all the time, about upperclassman Rai, and fellow first-year Hanzou, going at each other's necks, right in the middle of a session meant to.. help them get along. Back then, Hanzou was always looking for the slightest excuse to hit someone, and would pick on second-year Rai because he was smaller. Not knowing about the horrible pain Hanzou suffered, I thought he was an even worse human being than I ever could be.

I bumped into them one time, on their way to a session. I had my clicker on, and Rai still hadn't got those clacking running legs of his yet. I didn't quite hear where they were, but I wasn't going to give way, before I felt Hanzou shove me aside and told me to shut my noisy clicker off. In anger I swung at his face, and hit Rai in the head. Hanzou's mistake was opening his mouth and laughing at us, we both taught him the error of his ways.