Saying Goodbye, part 2
Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 11:12 pm
by centurion911
By the time we arrived at the airport, I was able to collect my thoughts.
I am going to miss Hisao dearly, truly I will. Every moment we spent together will be locked as a tender, priceless memory in my heart. He may not truly love me, he may not really want me, but Akira was right in what she said. I can't dwell in the past. I'm a strong, independent woman, and I had better start acting like that.
Akira and I step out of the taxi and walk, arm in arm, through the airport.
Finally being able to live with my parents, following Akira, it's everything I should want.
I smile to myself
Going to Inverness is exactly what I should do. If my parents summoned me they must truly want me back. Who am I to refuse the wants of my parents? I wasn't brought up to be disobedient.
In the distance I can hear shouting, there seems to be quite the commotion behind us. I can almost make out what's being said.
I tilt my head to the side. What an odd coincidence. The name that's being shouted sounds like...
"Li...lly."
That voice.
It was said silently enough to be the wind whistling, but it sounds like a bullhorn in my head.
Abruptly, I pull Akira and myself to a stop.
He's here, he's really here. He came for me. As a brilliant smile forms I realize something else.
Something's wron. I can't hear his voice anymore, and a crowd appears to be gathering around the location of his voice.
Wheeling around, I turn to face Akira.
"Akira, what's going on behind us?" I query, attempting to hide my suspense.
"Oi, it looks like some guy's passed out on the ground," we step towards the chattering voices.
"That guy looks kind of..." she freezes.
"Akira," no answer. "AKIRA!" I'm shaking her now, "Akira, who is it. Tell me!"
Her silence confirms my worst fear.
I rush over, hands in front of me. As they contact airport patrons I push them aside, making my way to the location of the whisper.
Dropping on all fours, I begin to search for him. The crowd murmurs around me as I locate a body.
Shirt and tie, just like the Yamaku uniform. Slim neck, defined cheekbones. Rich hair, with one little tuft sticking up right in the middle.
"HISAO! HISAO!" I cry over his limp form.
"Somebody call an ambulance!" I hear my sister's voice boom over the crowd, "Ah hell, I'll do it".
Putting my head to his chest, I begin to listen for his heartbeat.
Thu..
....
....mp
Thu...
Oh no.
"No Hisao don't die. Don't do this. Hisao PLEASE!" I sob into his chest as the familiar siren of the ambulance comes into earshot.
They arrive in less than a minute. It takes three paramedics to pry me off of his body. Around a minute after that he's loaded into the car with Akira and I sitting right next to him.
I feel around until I locate his hand, grasping it tightly.
I don't want to lose him again, never again
================================
He's been in the hospital for two days now
I stand outside his room, music box in hand, sullenly thinking.
My mother once told me that if you truly love something you should let it go. If it comes back to you then it's yours to keep.
Hisao came back to me. He passed the test with flying colors.
I, on the other hand, have failed it miserably. He showed me the greatest month of my life, and I responded by keeping secrets, keeping him in the dark, and then leaving him. In order to stop me, he almost killed himself.
I sob outwardly at the thought. Knowing his last word was my name, his last sight was me walking away from him, leaving his life? That's a thought too hard to bear.
Akira had called our parents, telling them we're going to catch a flight next week. After all this we're still leaving here. Facing my parents, telling them I can't leave, the thought just seems inconceivable. They've made all these plans, I almost have to follow through. Maybe I can take Hisao with me, my parents would be able to give him an apartment where we could live.
I need to talk to him, to be with him. I need to make a decision with him.
I was told later by Akira, who had heard the situation from the paramedics, that Hisao had taken a taxi to the Hakamichi house and barely missed us. He then took the same taxi to the airport and chased after me. He got hit in the chest and had a minor heart attack.
'Minor heart attack, it just doesn't sound right', I think ruefully.
His parents already visited earlier today, they've been visiting every day he's been here. Thank god Akira warns me when they're coming so I can avoid the room. I'm not going to meet his parents like this.
I step into the room, place the music box on the counter, and open it.
The room is awash with tender music. I've heard that sleeping and comatose individuals can hear music.
Hopefully this will bring him back to me.
Realizing I forgot my cane in the lobby, I step back outside.
Re-tracing my steps, I realize that I hope only for one thing. That he can forgive me for not being there for him. He may not have asked me to stay, but I never showed him that I wanted him to ask me.
Retrieving the cane, I make my way back into the room, open the door, and begin to trace the wall. As I stride across the floor, I hear a quiet rustling near the bed's location.
"L...Lilly...?" he sputters.
I freeze, every muscle in my body tenses.
"Hisao? Is that you?" I want to make sure he's there, to make sure he's real.
"I thought you were..."
Gone? Uncaring? Stupid? I WAS all those things Hisao, but not right now.
I step towards him, slowly at first. Unable to contain myself, I rush over to his bedside. Wrapping my arms around the back of his neck, I begin sobbing again burying my head into his chest. He puts a hand on my shoulder, as if to console me
"Hisao! Hisao!"
I can feel him shaking his head, "It's ok Lilly, I'm ok. You don't need to...."
I pull back and stare at his general direction, "Stop telling me not to worry about you, Hisao!" I say with force, "Just this once," my voice falters, "let me cry."
I hesitate, awaiting resistance. When none comes I collapse back into his chest, renewed sobs of sadness and relief washing over me.
He's here, he's here and he's ok. That's all that matters right now. They're the two most important things, that he's not hurt and he's not leaving.
"I'm sorry Lilly," the apology surprises me, "I shouldn't have tried to push myself so far."
He snorts in derision before continuing, "After months of keeping myself together so no one-d worry about me, I went and did something like this. I guess I'm pretty dumb."
I try to pull myself together, taking deep breaths and setting on my plastic smile. I want to be strong for him, I don't want him to worry about me the way I worried about him.
"You needn't blame yourself. I heard later that it happened as you were running down the road after me, right?"
"Still." I hear the guilt in his voice.
"Why did you run after me Hisao?" I want to hear the reason from his own mouth. No more assumptions, no more false thoughts. "Even after I'd said goodbye, and I'd left Yamaku Academy..."
I want to add more, but if I keep speaking I'm going to cry again. I have to know why he stopped me now, why he didn't stop me before. What changed?
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," he whispers sadly.
"Sorry?" I ask. What does he have to apologize for?
"For the times that I wasn't there when you needed me," he states with much more conviction, like he'd been practicing it, "Until now, I thought that you just being there would be enough. I only needed you by my side to make me feel better. Even if my body were like this, I want to help you Lilly; to be there when you needed someone."
"But you always were there Hisao." Despite my bellyaching about him not stopping me and him not expressing his feelings, I know what I say is true. When I did need him he was there.
"Why did you want to go to Scotland Lilly?
His question takes me aback. Stammering, I reply "Why...? I told you before. Akira was going and because of my family's summons to their home."
"Why didn't you say that you WANTED to go?" He asks, this time with stony determination.
"I.." I don't have an answer for him. I had pondered this question momentarily in the Hakamichi guest room but pushed it down deep inside. I may want to stay with Hisao but why wouldn't I WANT to be with my parents? To follow my sister? I SHOULD want to go, it's logical to want to go.
"I'm not stubborn often, but this is one time I think I need to be. I want you to stay here Lilly"
His words leave me speechless. He continues, "I want you to stay where everyone you know lives, where all your dreams and ambitions were made. If you choose to stay, I'll never leave your side. I won't let you lose another person."
Hisao...
"When I had my heart attack, I was snatched away from everyone and everywhere I love. You showed me a new life after I came to Yamaku. I had lost my past, but you gave me a future. It's true that I haven't always been there for you. I'm unreliable, sometimes I lied, sometimes I thought I'd understood you when I hadn't come to understand myself."
To know that he thought so badly of himself, especially after I left him, it sickens my stomach.
"Be that as it may, I want to give you a future as well. I want to be there for you, to share both your burdens and your happiness, just like I promised in Hokkaido."
"I want you to trust me. I know I had some problems coming to trust you, after losing so many people I'd known after the heart attack, but that's how I know that being unable to trust others can feel so awful. That's why I can't watch you throw everything away like this. I never want you to go through what I did. I would do anything to stop that."
I take a second to process everything he said. Hisao's done what I'm about to do. He says I don't want to leave and I know he's correct. I've been kowtowing to the demands of others for far too long. I said nothing when my parents abandoned me in Japan, and I was content to say nothing when they requested that I abandon everyone I know.
I never had the strength to admit that I had my own mind. I may know what I want, but I've always wanted to make everyone around me, especially my parents, happy at the expense of my own happiness. I want to stay here with Hisao and Hanako and Emi, Misha, even Shizune. I would have never admitted that if it weren't for Hisao.
He didn't stop me because he didn't realize what I wanted, that much was clear. When I said I was leaving, he must have thought that I wanted to go, and he didn't want to question my decision.
Hisao has become the true partner that I want. Not one that follows me unflinchingly like a mother hen, but one who is on the same level as me. An equal, one that I can share EVERYTHING with.
I smile, "You can be quite steadfast when you want to."
"As I said, it isn't often," let's hope that isn't true for long, I like this side of him.
A sharp gasp of pain jolts me from my thoughts. As I furrow my brow, he sighs.
"I tried not to let anyone worry over me for the entire time I left the hospital, but I can't even stop the person I love the most from crying over me. Even if I finally might be able to put my feelings into words, I'd feel useless in a body like this."
Hisao... don't think like that.
"Every time I reached out towards something, it was snatched away, and even now, things only turned out better due to luck. I guess there's something else I should apologize for. All I can ever do is make you worry. Even now, there's very little chance I'd live anywhere near a full life."
I place my hand on his cheek, wanting to feel him, to help him. He's not useless, he's not broken, he's the man I love, and I love everything about him.
"I think that's something very natural for you to say, you were always so sincere and self-conscious" a genuine smile creeps across my face, "You were also reserved and mild mannered, and patient to a fault with Hanako, yet curious about everything and anyone."
Thinking back, "When I said I missed you when I was with my family, I wasn't exaggerating or lying. The thought of you was never far from my mind, and helped me through that time. That was why I was so confused about what to do when my family summoned me."
I wasn't able to admit it then, but my first reunion with my parents had been unsavory. They had changed from their time in Inverness, they were not the same parents of my childhood. It was like meeting with a stranger that acted like someone you once knew. It was at that moment I knew I didn't want to stay there, but I pushed it down, like I did with my other feelings.
"I didn't confess to you out of pity or believing you were different from what you are. I confessed because I never want to lose you, and want you to always be a part of my life, no matter what might change.
I place my other hand on his heart, "You are a very beautiful person Hisao. Your heart changes none of that, so please don't apologize for yourself anymore.
We sit in silence, my hand on his cheek, other hand on his heart. As he begins to cry, just a single tear, I wipe it away.
I'm here for you Hisao, the same way you're here for me. I'll stay with you through thick and thin, no matter what.
"I know I can't promise," he starts, "that I'll always be around, or we'll be together forever," he places a hand on my shoulder, "But...I think I can take you to next year's Tanabata festival, to make up for missing this years."
My mouth drops, "You....remembered that?"
"I've got a pretty good memory, sometimes," he says smugly
I giggle lightly. Oh this man, what am I going to do with him. He's really quite the master of romance.
I reluctantly pull back, resting a hand on his chest, "Very well. Shall we both make a promise to go to next year's Tanabata together?"
"I promise," he says warmly.
"I promise," I reply back, nodding enthusiastically.
==========================================================================
The breeze flows through my hair.
Sitting on top of this hill, with Hisao and Akira by my side, makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.
Hisao checked out of the hospital as soon as he could. We talked a lot during his stay, which lasted about a week. He made me promise that I would stop keeping secrets from him, that everything would be out in the open for both of us. I made him promise that he would begin running to strengthen his heart. Every moment I've been here has felt completely right.
I talked to my parents and told them my decision. My father was noticeably upset, but my mother took it well. She wished us luck at university and said they would support us however they could. My father seemed like he wanted to say something at the end of our conversation, but decided against it. Perhaps he'll tell me later.
I sniff the mountain air, taking me back to the present. "This is a nice area," I state happily.
"Yeah," Hisao adds, slightly awestruck, "I never knew a place like this was anywhere near Yamaku."
"And I had to be the one to find it," Akira says. She's trying to sound happy, but there's something mixed into it, "It's good that you're out of the hospital Hisao."
"Nobody's more glad that I am," Hisao says happily, "I can't stand hospitals."
"So you're going back to school tomorrow?" Akira asks.
"Yep," we both say in unison.
Akira must think this is endearing. She begins chuckling.
"Pity we couldn't get up north for the summer holidays," Hisao says, slightly wistful, "or get to Tanabata."
"I wouldn't worry," I shake my head, smiling happily, "There's always next time."
"You'll be graduating next summer vacation, won't ya?" Akira inquires. She's in quite the questioning mood today. I think she's getting in all the smalltalk she can before she has to leave.
"Yeah" Hisao answers, "There'll still be college after that."
"Going to the same one?"
"Likely," I respond, genuinely happy to say it, "We both have high enough scores to meet the entry requirement."
"You sound so sure..." Hisao teases. I resist the urge to pout, he's such a nerd when it comes to school.
"Don't worry, you're better than I at most subjects." I admit to him.
"I guess we'll work it out in due time," I imagine he shrugged there.
"That's the way," Akira says while laughing, slapping Hisao on the back, "Just enjoy yourselves in Yamaku while you're there."
I sigh sadly. Out of everything positive happening, there's still a negative lining. Akira's going to Scotland.
"Do you really need to go back to Scotland?" I ask, more out of desperation than curiosity.
"Yeah," she says dryly, "The folks are already out for my blood as it is."
"You...weren't meant to stay this long?" Hisao asks, slightly bewildered.
Akira laughs, "Setting my boyfriend up with a passport took time."
"You're taking him too?" Hisao asks brightly.
I smile at this. Hisao and my "miraculous story" inspired Akira to give it one more shot with her boyfriend. She had told me, 'If you kids can make it work, I should be able to do just fine.'
"Just for a while at first," Akira answers, "He's a surprisingly worldly guy, he'll do just fine."
She snorts, half amused and half disdainful, "If father had his way, I'd have gone a long while ago."
Her moment of negativity gone, she laughs, "I couldn't give up a chance to stay with my favorite little sister a while longer though."
She gives me a big hug, making my smile even wider. "It is nice to be with you one last time, though." I admit.
"For what it's worth, I'm in the same boat." Hisao adds.
"Thanks you two, I'll try to come back and visit sometime, don't worry."
"It's a shame business keeps you so busy," I lean my head back and enjoy the sun on my shoulders.
"The place won't run itself," she says with a hint of ruefulness, "I think it's gonna be just the same over there."
She stands, "Considering that, I had better get going."
"Have fun over there Akira." Hisao says.
"Well I'd better be off, plane won't wait for me after all." She really seems reluctant to go. I know just what she's worrying about
"I'll be ok, Akira," I put on my biggest smile for her.
"Yeah, I know," that same wistfulness in her voice.
"Come on now," I try to lighten her mood, "You'll be able to see us again soon."
I really have changed, I think it's for the better. To think I would be the one comforting Akira is an odd thought.
It seems to have worked because Akira sighs. Not a miserable, resigned sigh, but a sigh of relief and acceptance.
"Seeya later you two!" She calls as she walks away.
Hisao and I pause, then begin to pick ourselves up.
"Shall we be off then?" Hisao asks with an air of formality.
I reach out and Hisao slides his hand into mine. I give him the biggest, most heartfelt smile my face can muster.
"Indeed we shall, Hisao." I answer back, punctuating my sentence with a slight giggle.
As we walk, hand in hand, back to Yamaku, I can't help but look back on what has brought us to this moment.
This man doesn't really know me, and yet he knows so much more than most. I can trust him, and he now trusts me. The past may be turbulent, the memories painful, but I look to the future I can't help but smile.
Because the future is bright.