Hanako's Story (COMPLETED 18/08/2014)
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 14/01/2013)
It's great seeing a well written fanfic from Hanako's perspective. can't wait for more.
I don't understand signatures? Why do we do this?
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 14/01/2013)
Act 3 - Chapter Three: Fracture (Part 1)
Turning up to classes is a massive work of effort now. If I had my way I'd simply lie in bed and stare at the walls until this passes. However, I owe it to Miss Yumi to at least try. Besides, I can see Hisao getting worried after my good behaviour recently, and the last thing I need is him knocking on the door (with or without Lilly's support) trying to drag me away. Even if he felt it was the best thing for me.
So, here I am. Nevertheless, I'm barely listening to the lecture. Something about chemistry, I think. I've probably read it somewhere already. I glance briefly at Hisao but his eyes are fixed on the window, the sun shining outside and beckoning us all to escape the dull room I feel increasingly trapped in. As I look away I'm startled by my name, of all things.
“Now... Ikezawa?”
Mutou-sensei stares at me, not at my scars, but directly into my eyes. Did he sense that I wasn't paying attention? No, he's not so harsh. It was just my turn to answer something for once. It's extremely rare, though, given my situation. I stare back, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone but the teacher. “Y-yes?”
He clears his throat and asks the question. “In this particular example of a redox reaction, the combustion of methane reaction actually produces one more product than is listed. That product is...?”
I quickly scan the board to see what is listed, and where the gaps are. I definitely read about this just last week, while trying to prepare for my eventual withdrawal. It still takes a moment, though, for the right answer to arrive in my head. I bite my lip as I try to come up with the words to say...
“Um... h-heat?”
A few seconds pass in silence. I worry that I've made a fool of myself in front of the rest of the class. Then... “Well done. This is an exothermic reaction, with the reaction giving more heat than is put into it.” Mutou nods briefly and turns away, continuing his lecture, as I gratefully sink into my seat and sigh. I managed to get through without too much trouble. My exterior betrays nothing, and nobody can tell the trauma still hidden inside. I steal another look at Hisao and notice he's smiling, just a little. It's a start.
“Right then. For the remainder of this class I'd like you to work in groups of three or four on the problems in chapter twelve. I'll be here if you need me.” With Mutou's instructions comes a nod in my direction, his silent approval for me to take my leave and retreat to the library. As he sits down he takes some paperwork from his desk and starts to write. I hear a familiar voice to one side, Hisao being accosted as usual by a pink piece of construction equipment and her silent handler.
“I suppose we have a group, then”, he says.
“Hicchan!” comes the reply. “You want to work together? Okay, okay! That's great, it's really been a while!” As if he had a choice. It looks to me like they're standing on either side of his desk, surrounding him, not the other way around. The noise of people moving tables and shuffling their chairs is almost deafening, an irony I doubt is lost on our esteemed president.
Can I do this? Really? I think back to my last session with Miss Yumi. It's not too late for me to leave, to slip away silently and head to my favourite beanbag. Or even further afield. Nobody would blame me, if anyone were even to notice with my exit being masked by the racket around me. Still, Miss Yumi's words come back to me. She wanted me to at least try and do something with other people. Working as part of a group would be perfect, especially if I'm working with Hisao. At least then there'd be somebody I know and could even possibly trust without any problems. Shizune can't do much either, relying on Misha to act as her 'voice'. And there's the problem. How would I be able to deal with someone as loud and boisterous as Misha?
It's a difficult decision. As the sound dies down I realise that I have little time left to make a move. What would Miss Yumi say, as if I don't already know? Or Lilly, for that matter? They'd both be gently, ever so slightly, pushing me to join in, without it being too obvious or forceful. It wouldn't be too hard for them to suggest what I should do, but never try to control my choices or push me too hard to do something I don't want to do.
I know I'll regret this if I don't join in. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I move slowly forward and stand uneasily just behind Shizune, wondering if I should make my presence known, when Hisao catches my eye. As he does, Misha turns (presumably curious to what he's looking at) and faces me. “Good afternoon, Hanako!”
“Um... hello...” I return the greeting quietly, eyes fixed on Misha's hands as she relays the words to Shizune. In turn, the president looks across at me, before tapping Misha's shoulder to get her attention. I find myself unable to follow the rapid signing that follows, even if I could read the language (which I can't).
“Shicchan says, if you're looking for a group, you can join ours!” I'm a little surprised, truth be told. I expected questions, with Shizune wanting to know why I chose to stay behind this time. The lack of an interrogation is far from unwelcome, in any case. I look down and blush, ever so slightly. At least I'm with people I know, even if it's a tenuous relationship at best in two of the three cases.
I turn away to bring my desk across, the sound of metal dragging on the floor grating in my ears. Behind me I hear Misha in her quietest voice, which isn't actually that quiet. “I guess we get to play again, Hicchan! You hardly ever play with us anymore...” From the choice of words I guess it's Shizune who was really saying that. Misha is playful, sure, but I've never had much indication she's the type to flirt with anyone, and especially not Hisao. As for Shizune, well, I know from past experience and from Lilly's comments how competitive she gets. All this would just be another game to her.
As I think I almost miss Hisao's response... “I wonder why? You two always seem to have some ulterior motive.” My thoughts exactly.
“That hurt, Hicchan...” Shizune again, I would assume. As close to direct a response as she can manage to the challenge posed by Hisao. “I'd almost think you were insulting me! But! It's Hicchan, so I know that you're joking!”
I'm facing the trio now as I move my desk a bit closer, struggling to navigate the narrow corridors left by the haphazard arrangement elsewhere in the classroom. I can see Misha smiling like the Cheshire Cat, while Shizune's face is marred by an exasperated frown. I suppose the last sentence was Misha's little edit.
“Such a great sense of humour about it; it'd be awful if someone were to take advantage of your good nature.” Hisao goes on the offensive. “Like making you help them with their work.”
As he finishes speaking, Shizune's look changes from a frown to a triumphant smirk, as if she's suddenly realised that her foe has forced himself into checkmate. “Wahaha,” her translator cries. Before anything further can be said, Shizune meets my eye and maintains a more neutral expression. I guess now I'm ready to start working, the games are over.
As I sit down my face drops and I look straight at the floor. I've already noticed something nobody else has, something that the previous conversation was enough to distract me from, however briefly. Now that the silence has hit, the curious looks of those around me are enough to push me deeper into my reverie. Nobody gives a damn when I leave the classroom, but it's so strange for me to stick around. Everyone feels the need to stare, and it makes me feel awful.
I do my best to ignore it, but still the eyes are on me for a few minutes longer. Hisao meets my gaze for the shortest second before I look away, but I see the concern spread across his features. At least he cares. Misha and Shizune make an effort to avoid paying any attention to what's going on, and for that I'm grateful. They're acting as if nothing's wrong and in a way it's comforting. It makes me feel just a tiny bit more at ease, no simple task here, but it will take a lot more than that to put me fully at rest. Even so, the gesture is nice.
Eventually the rest of the class settles down to work. “Hi, Hanako,” comes a bright voice from my side. “It's nice to finally work with you.”
I appreciate Misha's comment, especially since I know it's from her (no sign from Shizune, in the literal sense of the term), but my mind is still on the events of a moment ago. “Y-yeah.” Across from me, Shizune finally starts to sign, as Misha quickly translates.
“Are you the reason Hicchan has been avoiding us lately? Shicchan says it's a little rude, but if Hicchan wanted to spend time with a cute girl, it's understandable!”
I'm a little embarrassed at that. Well, more than a little. I act on reflex, moving my hand to cover the right side of my face, but nobody else seems to notice. Of interest to me is the wording used just now, though. I realise that Misha was adding her own comment to the message conveyed by Shizune, but I doubt someone like Shizune would say I was 'cute'. Then again, I wouldn't expect anyone to say something like that. So that must have been Misha's addition. Why would she say that? In my nervousness I can't help but return to my old stammer.
“I-I don't t-think it's like that...” I start to fidget, my hands unable to stay still. I uncover my face and pick at my palms, my fingers twitching, unable to cope with the attention. I do like Misha, but right now I wish she'd simply shut up.
“Really?” she continues. “So! He wasn't hanging out with you yesterday?”
What is she talking about? Nobody was hanging out with me yesterday. I was either with Miss Yumi or alone... “N... no...” I sneak a look at Hisao, who's starting to look a lot more uncomfortable. What is he trying to hide? Do I really want to know?
“Yeah,” he says, “I was... doing something else. You know how it is...” Looking at him, he clearly doesn't want to discuss this any more than I do. Can we not just start working already? It doesn't work out that way, however, as Shizune starts signing further questions. Perhaps I was quick to dismiss the probability of an 'interrogation' earlier after all.
“Really? I wonder what was so important, for Hicchan to blow us off like that! If it wasn't to spend time with Hanako, then what could it be? It's really interesting...”
No, it isn't interesting, Misha. Please, just stop. I know she doesn't mean to cause any trouble, but she seems to have such difficulty in picking up on how awkward this is for us all. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get more and more worried about what Hisao was doing yesterday. I know I spoke to Lilly, albeit only very briefly, when I had a chance (reluctantly, on Miss Yumi's advice), about the possibility of her having feelings for Hisao. Maybe I was too vague in my clumsy questioning to get a clear answer...
Turning up to classes is a massive work of effort now. If I had my way I'd simply lie in bed and stare at the walls until this passes. However, I owe it to Miss Yumi to at least try. Besides, I can see Hisao getting worried after my good behaviour recently, and the last thing I need is him knocking on the door (with or without Lilly's support) trying to drag me away. Even if he felt it was the best thing for me.
So, here I am. Nevertheless, I'm barely listening to the lecture. Something about chemistry, I think. I've probably read it somewhere already. I glance briefly at Hisao but his eyes are fixed on the window, the sun shining outside and beckoning us all to escape the dull room I feel increasingly trapped in. As I look away I'm startled by my name, of all things.
“Now... Ikezawa?”
Mutou-sensei stares at me, not at my scars, but directly into my eyes. Did he sense that I wasn't paying attention? No, he's not so harsh. It was just my turn to answer something for once. It's extremely rare, though, given my situation. I stare back, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone but the teacher. “Y-yes?”
He clears his throat and asks the question. “In this particular example of a redox reaction, the combustion of methane reaction actually produces one more product than is listed. That product is...?”
I quickly scan the board to see what is listed, and where the gaps are. I definitely read about this just last week, while trying to prepare for my eventual withdrawal. It still takes a moment, though, for the right answer to arrive in my head. I bite my lip as I try to come up with the words to say...
“Um... h-heat?”
A few seconds pass in silence. I worry that I've made a fool of myself in front of the rest of the class. Then... “Well done. This is an exothermic reaction, with the reaction giving more heat than is put into it.” Mutou nods briefly and turns away, continuing his lecture, as I gratefully sink into my seat and sigh. I managed to get through without too much trouble. My exterior betrays nothing, and nobody can tell the trauma still hidden inside. I steal another look at Hisao and notice he's smiling, just a little. It's a start.
“Right then. For the remainder of this class I'd like you to work in groups of three or four on the problems in chapter twelve. I'll be here if you need me.” With Mutou's instructions comes a nod in my direction, his silent approval for me to take my leave and retreat to the library. As he sits down he takes some paperwork from his desk and starts to write. I hear a familiar voice to one side, Hisao being accosted as usual by a pink piece of construction equipment and her silent handler.
“I suppose we have a group, then”, he says.
“Hicchan!” comes the reply. “You want to work together? Okay, okay! That's great, it's really been a while!” As if he had a choice. It looks to me like they're standing on either side of his desk, surrounding him, not the other way around. The noise of people moving tables and shuffling their chairs is almost deafening, an irony I doubt is lost on our esteemed president.
Can I do this? Really? I think back to my last session with Miss Yumi. It's not too late for me to leave, to slip away silently and head to my favourite beanbag. Or even further afield. Nobody would blame me, if anyone were even to notice with my exit being masked by the racket around me. Still, Miss Yumi's words come back to me. She wanted me to at least try and do something with other people. Working as part of a group would be perfect, especially if I'm working with Hisao. At least then there'd be somebody I know and could even possibly trust without any problems. Shizune can't do much either, relying on Misha to act as her 'voice'. And there's the problem. How would I be able to deal with someone as loud and boisterous as Misha?
It's a difficult decision. As the sound dies down I realise that I have little time left to make a move. What would Miss Yumi say, as if I don't already know? Or Lilly, for that matter? They'd both be gently, ever so slightly, pushing me to join in, without it being too obvious or forceful. It wouldn't be too hard for them to suggest what I should do, but never try to control my choices or push me too hard to do something I don't want to do.
I know I'll regret this if I don't join in. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I move slowly forward and stand uneasily just behind Shizune, wondering if I should make my presence known, when Hisao catches my eye. As he does, Misha turns (presumably curious to what he's looking at) and faces me. “Good afternoon, Hanako!”
“Um... hello...” I return the greeting quietly, eyes fixed on Misha's hands as she relays the words to Shizune. In turn, the president looks across at me, before tapping Misha's shoulder to get her attention. I find myself unable to follow the rapid signing that follows, even if I could read the language (which I can't).
“Shicchan says, if you're looking for a group, you can join ours!” I'm a little surprised, truth be told. I expected questions, with Shizune wanting to know why I chose to stay behind this time. The lack of an interrogation is far from unwelcome, in any case. I look down and blush, ever so slightly. At least I'm with people I know, even if it's a tenuous relationship at best in two of the three cases.
I turn away to bring my desk across, the sound of metal dragging on the floor grating in my ears. Behind me I hear Misha in her quietest voice, which isn't actually that quiet. “I guess we get to play again, Hicchan! You hardly ever play with us anymore...” From the choice of words I guess it's Shizune who was really saying that. Misha is playful, sure, but I've never had much indication she's the type to flirt with anyone, and especially not Hisao. As for Shizune, well, I know from past experience and from Lilly's comments how competitive she gets. All this would just be another game to her.
As I think I almost miss Hisao's response... “I wonder why? You two always seem to have some ulterior motive.” My thoughts exactly.
“That hurt, Hicchan...” Shizune again, I would assume. As close to direct a response as she can manage to the challenge posed by Hisao. “I'd almost think you were insulting me! But! It's Hicchan, so I know that you're joking!”
I'm facing the trio now as I move my desk a bit closer, struggling to navigate the narrow corridors left by the haphazard arrangement elsewhere in the classroom. I can see Misha smiling like the Cheshire Cat, while Shizune's face is marred by an exasperated frown. I suppose the last sentence was Misha's little edit.
“Such a great sense of humour about it; it'd be awful if someone were to take advantage of your good nature.” Hisao goes on the offensive. “Like making you help them with their work.”
As he finishes speaking, Shizune's look changes from a frown to a triumphant smirk, as if she's suddenly realised that her foe has forced himself into checkmate. “Wahaha,” her translator cries. Before anything further can be said, Shizune meets my eye and maintains a more neutral expression. I guess now I'm ready to start working, the games are over.
As I sit down my face drops and I look straight at the floor. I've already noticed something nobody else has, something that the previous conversation was enough to distract me from, however briefly. Now that the silence has hit, the curious looks of those around me are enough to push me deeper into my reverie. Nobody gives a damn when I leave the classroom, but it's so strange for me to stick around. Everyone feels the need to stare, and it makes me feel awful.
I do my best to ignore it, but still the eyes are on me for a few minutes longer. Hisao meets my gaze for the shortest second before I look away, but I see the concern spread across his features. At least he cares. Misha and Shizune make an effort to avoid paying any attention to what's going on, and for that I'm grateful. They're acting as if nothing's wrong and in a way it's comforting. It makes me feel just a tiny bit more at ease, no simple task here, but it will take a lot more than that to put me fully at rest. Even so, the gesture is nice.
Eventually the rest of the class settles down to work. “Hi, Hanako,” comes a bright voice from my side. “It's nice to finally work with you.”
I appreciate Misha's comment, especially since I know it's from her (no sign from Shizune, in the literal sense of the term), but my mind is still on the events of a moment ago. “Y-yeah.” Across from me, Shizune finally starts to sign, as Misha quickly translates.
“Are you the reason Hicchan has been avoiding us lately? Shicchan says it's a little rude, but if Hicchan wanted to spend time with a cute girl, it's understandable!”
I'm a little embarrassed at that. Well, more than a little. I act on reflex, moving my hand to cover the right side of my face, but nobody else seems to notice. Of interest to me is the wording used just now, though. I realise that Misha was adding her own comment to the message conveyed by Shizune, but I doubt someone like Shizune would say I was 'cute'. Then again, I wouldn't expect anyone to say something like that. So that must have been Misha's addition. Why would she say that? In my nervousness I can't help but return to my old stammer.
“I-I don't t-think it's like that...” I start to fidget, my hands unable to stay still. I uncover my face and pick at my palms, my fingers twitching, unable to cope with the attention. I do like Misha, but right now I wish she'd simply shut up.
“Really?” she continues. “So! He wasn't hanging out with you yesterday?”
What is she talking about? Nobody was hanging out with me yesterday. I was either with Miss Yumi or alone... “N... no...” I sneak a look at Hisao, who's starting to look a lot more uncomfortable. What is he trying to hide? Do I really want to know?
“Yeah,” he says, “I was... doing something else. You know how it is...” Looking at him, he clearly doesn't want to discuss this any more than I do. Can we not just start working already? It doesn't work out that way, however, as Shizune starts signing further questions. Perhaps I was quick to dismiss the probability of an 'interrogation' earlier after all.
“Really? I wonder what was so important, for Hicchan to blow us off like that! If it wasn't to spend time with Hanako, then what could it be? It's really interesting...”
No, it isn't interesting, Misha. Please, just stop. I know she doesn't mean to cause any trouble, but she seems to have such difficulty in picking up on how awkward this is for us all. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get more and more worried about what Hisao was doing yesterday. I know I spoke to Lilly, albeit only very briefly, when I had a chance (reluctantly, on Miss Yumi's advice), about the possibility of her having feelings for Hisao. Maybe I was too vague in my clumsy questioning to get a clear answer...
Last edited by Trivun on Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 14/01/2013)
Act 3 - Chapter Three: Fracture (Part 2)
“W... were you with L-Lilly?” I can't help myself, and in the corner of my eye I see a brief flash of amusement cross Misha's face. The glimmer of defeat betrays Hisao's next comment.
“W-what makes you say that?”
I've had a stammer long enough to recognise Hisao's stumble there, even if the guarded tone of his voice wasn't a clue. I know I'm right. “Y-yesterday Lilly said something s-similar...” Which is true. She was much better at hiding her intentions than Hisao, too. She's a much better liar, though I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or bad.
While I try to locate the falsehood in Hisao's words, Misha jumps back in to the conversation, spurred on by more signs from Shizune. I can't help but wonder which of them is enjoying this more, and it makes me feel sick. “Suspicious! Hicchan! I demand that you explain yourself!”
“Hey, shouldn't we be doing the assignment?” I kind of agree with Hisao here, but I still want to know more. I realise I'm torturing myself by doing so, but the lack of knowledge seems so much worse than the truth.
“But! It's so mysterious... even Hanako wants to know!” It's clear all over my face, and Misha can see that, but inside I'm tearing myself apart with indecision. Either answer would be better than this, but I'm dreading hearing it.
“Alright. I'll tell you. I went into town with Lilly, but it wasn't what you think.” Alright then. This is it. Moment of truth. “Lilly and I were,” he continues. “Uh... for Hanako's birthday... we were...”
No.
No. I don't want to believe it. What did she say to him? What did she tell him?
All I can sense is silence. Hisao knows there's something wrong, but he doesn't say a word. Misha and Shizune both know about my troubles, they heard from Lilly long ago, but they don't understand how bad it can get. As soon as I heard that word, it acted like a trigger. Hisao and Lilly being alone in the city together only makes it worse. My mind races through the worst possibilities I can think of, as Shizune and Misha exchange sheepish looks. I stare at my desk, my face frozen. I barely hear the next words from Misha, much quieter than her usual manner of speech.
“Hanako? I'm sorry...”
Does she even know what she's apologising for? Is she saying sorry for thinking Lilly and Hisao were doing something else together? Is she sorry for what they really were up to? Or is she sorry for the way she kept pushing and pushing and pushing...
I wait a few seconds, but each one lasts a lifetime for me.
Eventually I raise my head. “I-it's... okay...” I can barely speak. I look at the paper in front of me but nothing sinks in. I can't focus. My mind is full of nothing but bad thoughts, flashbacks to my distant past. My hands are numb, unmoving, while I can't hear a word anybody says to me or anyone else. I'm dimly aware that Misha is trying again to speak, but the context flies overhead and my brain refuses to register a single damn thing. I reply on nothing but impulse, my mouth acting on autopilot. “I-I... um.. n-not really... I g-guess...” The simple reply gives my body a chance to breathe out, the only other sign I make of any kind of human reaction.
“You okay?” Hisao's voice goes straight through me like a knife. “I could go over this bit if you want.”
He doesn't understand. None of them understand. Not a single one. I shake my head again, the tiniest of movements. I don't need to know this, I don't want to work on the damn problems, I just want to be alone and I don't need any of this hassle, I don't need the constant looks of pity and the staring at my scars and the oblivious glances, I just want sweet blessed oblivion itself, anything to keep me away from all this... this...
Still. That's all I am. Nothing more. Completely still. Like the grave.
“Hanako?” Misha sounds like a high-pitched cannon going off in my head, such a contrast to the blissful silence of a mere moment ago. “Are you sure you're okay?”
No, Misha. I'm not okay. “Y-yes...”
“Are you sure?” No, Hisao, I'm not sure. “I'm fine.” I turn my head away in a vain attempt to reinforce my statement, my rare defiance. I stay silent as the others discuss the group problems. I have enough problems of my own.
Beside me I feel the subtle vibrations in the air as Shizune's arms wave. I feel everything around me so much more keenly now. On cue, the translation comes. “Hanako, you're being too quiet. You have to contribute too! Someday, we might work on a bigger project, like one that's so big it's worth celebrating afterwards, like with ice cream, or cake. If you act like this, we won't take you along!”
I don't want cake. I don't want ice cream.
I want my family.
“Guys,” my white knight says, “don't tease her like that.” I feel so damn helpless. I feel sick at myself, at Hisao, at Lilly, even Miss Yumi. I want this to be over. I want it all to end.
“Hicchan, it's all in good fun! Shicchan says she teases everyone, anyway.” I don't care. No wonder Lilly doesn't get along with her.
Don't they understand I'm not like everyone else? Do they just not care? And after all this time, those tiny movements aside, I haven't even twitched.
“Hey, the clock is kind of ticking down. We should speed up a little.”
How long have I been like this? How long have I lost myself in my thoughts of despair and self-loathing? A second drags on forever and minutes lose all meaning.
“Hicchan! You sound a little like Shicchan, there...”
“Just because I looked at my watch? Jeez, is that really all it takes? Time management, and suddenly I'm the Student Council president?”
I want to laugh along with them but I know it will never happen. I'm not like them. I don't know how to act around people, I don't know what it's like to have friends or family or to be normal. Everything around me is conspiring to make my whole life nothing but a living hell and I'm sick and tired of feeling this way but there's nothing I can do as the clock ticks down and seconds pass like lifetimes and I feel the stares and everyone is looking at me even Hisao and Misha and Shizune and I just feel my life is worthless I should have died too I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here...
Misha keeps asking what's wrong and there's nothing I can say, I literally cannot say anything to her and I wish she would just shut the hell up and leave me alone. Outside I'm frozen but on the inside I'm screaming, windows shattering in my own psyche and breaking every single bond I was ever foolish enough to construct...
“Did.. we upset her?” My eyes are closed and yet I still hear Misha speak, I still feel the motion in the air that suggests someone walking towards us. Mutou-sensei is the only choice, nobody else would even care enough to make the effort to do anything but stare. His voice confirms it.
“Don't worry.” He looks straight at me, but unlike everyone else, he looks into my eyes.
He's the only one who cares enough to try.
“Hi, Ikezawa. Can I help you at all?” I don't say a word. His hand rests gently on my shoulder and I tremble like a leaf in the breeze. He stands back. “Is that it? Nothing's wrong, then?”
I feel the stares subside. I'm grateful.
“I think,” Mutou continues quietly, “for Ikezawa's sake, that it would be good to quickly take her somewhere away from others. Nakai, Hakamichi, could you please take Ikezawa out of the classroom? I'll keep everyone settled, so please don't worry about anything but her, okay?”
I feel them take my arms and pick me up, though my legs are just barely strong enough to walk, in a fashion. Whatever control I still have over my feelings are spent on Mutou-sensei for his help, for keeping Misha away as I'm taken somewhere else.
It doesn't matter though.
Nothing else matters. When I start to gain some semblance of life again I find myself in the corridor with Hisao and Shizune. I say nothing. Nothing matters now.
“Are you okay with me taking you to the Nurse's office?” Shizune is gone. I'm dimly aware of that, at least. I stay quiet but stand and follow Hisao as he walks. We reach the office without incident. The corridors are empty and I can barely say a word. The moment we get there, I'm shown to a bed. My eyes stay open as I fail to sleep.
“W... were you with L-Lilly?” I can't help myself, and in the corner of my eye I see a brief flash of amusement cross Misha's face. The glimmer of defeat betrays Hisao's next comment.
“W-what makes you say that?”
I've had a stammer long enough to recognise Hisao's stumble there, even if the guarded tone of his voice wasn't a clue. I know I'm right. “Y-yesterday Lilly said something s-similar...” Which is true. She was much better at hiding her intentions than Hisao, too. She's a much better liar, though I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or bad.
While I try to locate the falsehood in Hisao's words, Misha jumps back in to the conversation, spurred on by more signs from Shizune. I can't help but wonder which of them is enjoying this more, and it makes me feel sick. “Suspicious! Hicchan! I demand that you explain yourself!”
“Hey, shouldn't we be doing the assignment?” I kind of agree with Hisao here, but I still want to know more. I realise I'm torturing myself by doing so, but the lack of knowledge seems so much worse than the truth.
“But! It's so mysterious... even Hanako wants to know!” It's clear all over my face, and Misha can see that, but inside I'm tearing myself apart with indecision. Either answer would be better than this, but I'm dreading hearing it.
“Alright. I'll tell you. I went into town with Lilly, but it wasn't what you think.” Alright then. This is it. Moment of truth. “Lilly and I were,” he continues. “Uh... for Hanako's birthday... we were...”
No.
No. I don't want to believe it. What did she say to him? What did she tell him?
All I can sense is silence. Hisao knows there's something wrong, but he doesn't say a word. Misha and Shizune both know about my troubles, they heard from Lilly long ago, but they don't understand how bad it can get. As soon as I heard that word, it acted like a trigger. Hisao and Lilly being alone in the city together only makes it worse. My mind races through the worst possibilities I can think of, as Shizune and Misha exchange sheepish looks. I stare at my desk, my face frozen. I barely hear the next words from Misha, much quieter than her usual manner of speech.
“Hanako? I'm sorry...”
Does she even know what she's apologising for? Is she saying sorry for thinking Lilly and Hisao were doing something else together? Is she sorry for what they really were up to? Or is she sorry for the way she kept pushing and pushing and pushing...
I wait a few seconds, but each one lasts a lifetime for me.
Eventually I raise my head. “I-it's... okay...” I can barely speak. I look at the paper in front of me but nothing sinks in. I can't focus. My mind is full of nothing but bad thoughts, flashbacks to my distant past. My hands are numb, unmoving, while I can't hear a word anybody says to me or anyone else. I'm dimly aware that Misha is trying again to speak, but the context flies overhead and my brain refuses to register a single damn thing. I reply on nothing but impulse, my mouth acting on autopilot. “I-I... um.. n-not really... I g-guess...” The simple reply gives my body a chance to breathe out, the only other sign I make of any kind of human reaction.
“You okay?” Hisao's voice goes straight through me like a knife. “I could go over this bit if you want.”
He doesn't understand. None of them understand. Not a single one. I shake my head again, the tiniest of movements. I don't need to know this, I don't want to work on the damn problems, I just want to be alone and I don't need any of this hassle, I don't need the constant looks of pity and the staring at my scars and the oblivious glances, I just want sweet blessed oblivion itself, anything to keep me away from all this... this...
Still. That's all I am. Nothing more. Completely still. Like the grave.
“Hanako?” Misha sounds like a high-pitched cannon going off in my head, such a contrast to the blissful silence of a mere moment ago. “Are you sure you're okay?”
No, Misha. I'm not okay. “Y-yes...”
“Are you sure?” No, Hisao, I'm not sure. “I'm fine.” I turn my head away in a vain attempt to reinforce my statement, my rare defiance. I stay silent as the others discuss the group problems. I have enough problems of my own.
Beside me I feel the subtle vibrations in the air as Shizune's arms wave. I feel everything around me so much more keenly now. On cue, the translation comes. “Hanako, you're being too quiet. You have to contribute too! Someday, we might work on a bigger project, like one that's so big it's worth celebrating afterwards, like with ice cream, or cake. If you act like this, we won't take you along!”
I don't want cake. I don't want ice cream.
I want my family.
“Guys,” my white knight says, “don't tease her like that.” I feel so damn helpless. I feel sick at myself, at Hisao, at Lilly, even Miss Yumi. I want this to be over. I want it all to end.
“Hicchan, it's all in good fun! Shicchan says she teases everyone, anyway.” I don't care. No wonder Lilly doesn't get along with her.
Don't they understand I'm not like everyone else? Do they just not care? And after all this time, those tiny movements aside, I haven't even twitched.
“Hey, the clock is kind of ticking down. We should speed up a little.”
How long have I been like this? How long have I lost myself in my thoughts of despair and self-loathing? A second drags on forever and minutes lose all meaning.
“Hicchan! You sound a little like Shicchan, there...”
“Just because I looked at my watch? Jeez, is that really all it takes? Time management, and suddenly I'm the Student Council president?”
I want to laugh along with them but I know it will never happen. I'm not like them. I don't know how to act around people, I don't know what it's like to have friends or family or to be normal. Everything around me is conspiring to make my whole life nothing but a living hell and I'm sick and tired of feeling this way but there's nothing I can do as the clock ticks down and seconds pass like lifetimes and I feel the stares and everyone is looking at me even Hisao and Misha and Shizune and I just feel my life is worthless I should have died too I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here...
Misha keeps asking what's wrong and there's nothing I can say, I literally cannot say anything to her and I wish she would just shut the hell up and leave me alone. Outside I'm frozen but on the inside I'm screaming, windows shattering in my own psyche and breaking every single bond I was ever foolish enough to construct...
“Did.. we upset her?” My eyes are closed and yet I still hear Misha speak, I still feel the motion in the air that suggests someone walking towards us. Mutou-sensei is the only choice, nobody else would even care enough to make the effort to do anything but stare. His voice confirms it.
“Don't worry.” He looks straight at me, but unlike everyone else, he looks into my eyes.
He's the only one who cares enough to try.
“Hi, Ikezawa. Can I help you at all?” I don't say a word. His hand rests gently on my shoulder and I tremble like a leaf in the breeze. He stands back. “Is that it? Nothing's wrong, then?”
I feel the stares subside. I'm grateful.
“I think,” Mutou continues quietly, “for Ikezawa's sake, that it would be good to quickly take her somewhere away from others. Nakai, Hakamichi, could you please take Ikezawa out of the classroom? I'll keep everyone settled, so please don't worry about anything but her, okay?”
I feel them take my arms and pick me up, though my legs are just barely strong enough to walk, in a fashion. Whatever control I still have over my feelings are spent on Mutou-sensei for his help, for keeping Misha away as I'm taken somewhere else.
It doesn't matter though.
Nothing else matters. When I start to gain some semblance of life again I find myself in the corridor with Hisao and Shizune. I say nothing. Nothing matters now.
“Are you okay with me taking you to the Nurse's office?” Shizune is gone. I'm dimly aware of that, at least. I stay quiet but stand and follow Hisao as he walks. We reach the office without incident. The corridors are empty and I can barely say a word. The moment we get there, I'm shown to a bed. My eyes stay open as I fail to sleep.
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Hisao&Hanako<3
- Posts: 554
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- Location: United States
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
Aww man... I dreaded this very moment being told from Hanako's perspective, and while it wasn't as bad as I anticipated, it's still pretty heartbreaking. This is just one of the moments in the story where you feel like you just want to hold her close and say, "It's all right Hanako, everything will be all right. I'm here for you, with you... you won't suffer alone anymore because when you suffer, I suffer too. So let's go off somewhere, just the two of us, and share our pain, together."
Because when you love someone, their pain is your pain too, am I right? Or at least that's how it should be.
In all cases, wonderful writing.
Because when you love someone, their pain is your pain too, am I right? Or at least that's how it should be.
In all cases, wonderful writing.
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
Reading this from hanako's perspective makes me realize even more-so how clueless Hisao was as to how Hanako was feeling...
Sheesh.
Very good chapter. Can't wait for the next!
Sheesh.
Very good chapter. Can't wait for the next!
Damn paper trails
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Cornetto Man
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:42 pm
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
This has been great so far. It's really interesting to read it from Hanako's perspective. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I have a question though, have you finished writing this and are just releasing it every couple of weeks or are you still writing it and uploading it as you go?
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Negativedarke
- Posts: 225
- Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 9:25 am
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
Again this was really good. It was also kind of heartwrenching. Well I knew this scene would be. There's just one complaint I have. Maybe it's just me, but really it seemed like you used her loss of her parents. But Hanako really got her social anxiety from the betrayal of her friends and being treated as an unperson. That's what left her with the fear that no one would truly be a friend to her.
On the upsides, You handled Shizune and Misha really well. it's always been interesting to me. I really don't feel those two treat Hanako any differently than they do anyone else. Unfourtunatly that's a little overwhelming for Hanako.
On the upsides, You handled Shizune and Misha really well. it's always been interesting to me. I really don't feel those two treat Hanako any differently than they do anyone else. Unfourtunatly that's a little overwhelming for Hanako.
"Misha, I don't think Chocoholism is a real disability."
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
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GentleGiant
- Posts: 4
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
Well, one would have to remember that this particular episode concerns her birthday, and at least Lilly implies that Hanako shutting down on and around her birthday is connected with her parents death. So I don't think it is out of place to bring that up at this point.Negativedarke wrote:Again this was really good. It was also kind of heartwrenching. Well I knew this scene would be. There's just one complaint I have. Maybe it's just me, but really it seemed like you used her loss of her parents. But Hanako really got her social anxiety from the betrayal of her friends and being treated as an unperson. That's what left her with the fear that no one would truly be a friend to her.
On the upsides, You handled Shizune and Misha really well. it's always been interesting to me. I really don't feel those two treat Hanako any differently than they do anyone else. Unfourtunatly that's a little overwhelming for Hanako.
I did however not buy Hisao's musing that Hanako rues the day she was born because she blames herself for it. My theory was that it was more directly connected, that it happened on, and because of her birthday - some candles being left unattended as the family retired to bed perhaps?
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Negativedarke
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
I'm going to go have to go back and check, but I thought Hanako's issues with her birthday were because she felt it was the one day that people would pretend to care about her even if they really didn't?
"Misha, I don't think Chocoholism is a real disability."
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
Wow, controversy! Still glad to see people enjoying the story, but I'm going to take a moment to address a few concerns here. First and foremost, everyone seems to have different ideas for why Hanako feels the way she does regarding her birthday, or indeed what those feelings even are. In general, I don't like the idea of there being one specific reason, and I've always maintained myself that there are multiple factors at play. Especially when you consider just how complex human psychology really is (it's like when people commit suicide and the newspapers always say they did it because of one reason or another, when in fact there are usually plenty of reasons that pile up and spill over).
There is the fact that Hanako feels like her friends don't really see her as a friend, but just someone to look after and treat like a 'gorram doll'. Extra points to anyone who gets that reference ;D. However, the loss of her parents matters as well, and she seems to me to be afraid of losing the people close to her (just like Emi in a way) and in turn losing Hisao and Lilly. I also don't think that the fire happened on or near Hanako's birthday, but that's never confirmed nor denied in the actual VN, so I don't want to speculate in my own story as to whether or not that's the case. Overall, I want to try and put across as many reasons as I can for how Hanako behaves around this time, but I do stand by what I wrote for this chapter. I feel that what happens in Fracture is very much an accurate portrayal of how she could have felt, and is just one possibility that works. Given that Hanako is already pushing herself to join the group in the first place, regretting that decision and wanting to just be left alone fits in a way, and it ties in as well to how she wants to be left alone afterwards as well (and how Nurse mentions to Hisao that she just needs to be left alone to rest for a while).
I'll be very honest here, but I found it exceptionally hard to write this scene compared to the earlier chapters. Whenever I write as a character I try to imagine all the ways that the character must be feeling, their motivations, every bit of knowledge they have, and try to push all other thoughts out of my mind (which may be why most positive comments I've had on my original work as well as my fanfics have focused on how I write characters well - Lord knows I'm nowhere near as good a writer when it comes to descriptions or non-character driven pieces...). As such, I tried to get into Hanako's mind as much as I could here, and there were moments when I just wrote the first things that came into my head, as quickly as I could type, and then checked it after the wave of empathy had gone. I'm sure that you guys can probably recognise at least one or two of those instances, but certainly when I was writing them I could actually, physically, feel my body tense uup and tears in my eyes - bear in mind that, surprisingly enough, I'm not an emotional person and it takes a hell of a lot to make me feel emotional over a piece of fictional media. Something that I credit here then to the great skill of the original Hanako writer for the VN.
. Though I think Hisao was pretty clueless in everyone's arc, that being said I picked up on that a lot when I was replaying that part of the game while writing this chapter...
. Personally, I think Misha is a lot like Hisao in the sense that they can both be incredibly tactless even though they mean well. Shizune is certainly someone who would have picked up on the signs that Hanako was giving, but being mute she'd have been limited to relaying them via Misha, which would have easily made things worse given how Misha is and how loud she'd have been telling Hisao or Mutou. Otherwise, they would definitely treat her the same as they treat everone else, and would definitely include her, but whether Hanako realises that is another matter entirely...
There is the fact that Hanako feels like her friends don't really see her as a friend, but just someone to look after and treat like a 'gorram doll'. Extra points to anyone who gets that reference ;D. However, the loss of her parents matters as well, and she seems to me to be afraid of losing the people close to her (just like Emi in a way) and in turn losing Hisao and Lilly. I also don't think that the fire happened on or near Hanako's birthday, but that's never confirmed nor denied in the actual VN, so I don't want to speculate in my own story as to whether or not that's the case. Overall, I want to try and put across as many reasons as I can for how Hanako behaves around this time, but I do stand by what I wrote for this chapter. I feel that what happens in Fracture is very much an accurate portrayal of how she could have felt, and is just one possibility that works. Given that Hanako is already pushing herself to join the group in the first place, regretting that decision and wanting to just be left alone fits in a way, and it ties in as well to how she wants to be left alone afterwards as well (and how Nurse mentions to Hisao that she just needs to be left alone to rest for a while).
I'll be very honest here, but I found it exceptionally hard to write this scene compared to the earlier chapters. Whenever I write as a character I try to imagine all the ways that the character must be feeling, their motivations, every bit of knowledge they have, and try to push all other thoughts out of my mind (which may be why most positive comments I've had on my original work as well as my fanfics have focused on how I write characters well - Lord knows I'm nowhere near as good a writer when it comes to descriptions or non-character driven pieces...). As such, I tried to get into Hanako's mind as much as I could here, and there were moments when I just wrote the first things that came into my head, as quickly as I could type, and then checked it after the wave of empathy had gone. I'm sure that you guys can probably recognise at least one or two of those instances, but certainly when I was writing them I could actually, physically, feel my body tense uup and tears in my eyes - bear in mind that, surprisingly enough, I'm not an emotional person and it takes a hell of a lot to make me feel emotional over a piece of fictional media. Something that I credit here then to the great skill of the original Hanako writer for the VN.
There's a level of irony here that you seem to have a slight 'white knight' attitude there, when Hanako's path is all about discouraging that ideal xD. Hanako's entire thjought process towards Hisao's treatment of her in her bad ending is that she doesn't want people to be there saying "let's go off an share our pain together", she wants to deal with it herself and prove that she has the strength of mind and character to be able to move on without being treated in such a manner.Hisao&Hanako<3 wrote:Aww man... I dreaded this very moment being told from Hanako's perspective, and while it wasn't as bad as I anticipated, it's still pretty heartbreaking. This is just one of the moments in the story where you feel like you just want to hold her close and say, "It's all right Hanako, everything will be all right. I'm here for you, with you... you won't suffer alone anymore because when you suffer, I suffer too. So let's go off somewhere, just the two of us, and share our pain, together."
Because when you love someone, their pain is your pain too, am I right? Or at least that's how it should be.
In all cases, wonderful writing.
Thank youLegyPlegy wrote:Reading this from hanako's perspective makes me realize even more-so how clueless Hisao was as to how Hanako was feeling...
Sheesh.
Very good chapter. Can't wait for the next!
. Though I think Hisao was pretty clueless in everyone's arc, that being said I picked up on that a lot when I was replaying that part of the game while writing this chapter...Still writing it, which accounts for the delays. I did originally consider writing it all and then releasing it bit by bit when it was done, but I quickly realised that would mean I'd not see any kind of feedback on my writing as I actually wrote, nor any at all until months or even more down the line. Unfortunately, while I was on a fortnightly update plan originally, my grandmother hurt herself and I had to look after her late last year, pushing updates back to monthly. After she healed I was offered a full time job and so had less time to write again. I'm hoping to try and ease myself back into a more regular update schedule now, but it may unfortunately be a bit difficult for the time being. I do want to get more updates out more regualrly, but it's finding the time to do soCornetto Man wrote:This has been great so far. It's really interesting to read it from Hanako's perspective. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I have a question though, have you finished writing this and are just releasing it every couple of weeks or are you still writing it and uploading it as you go?
Thank youNegativedarke wrote:Again this was really good. It was also kind of heartwrenching. Well I knew this scene would be. There's just one complaint I have. Maybe it's just me, but really it seemed like you used her loss of her parents. But Hanako really got her social anxiety from the betrayal of her friends and being treated as an unperson. That's what left her with the fear that no one would truly be a friend to her.
On the upsides, You handled Shizune and Misha really well. it's always been interesting to me. I really don't feel those two treat Hanako any differently than they do anyone else. Unfourtunately that's a little overwhelming for Hanako.
. Personally, I think Misha is a lot like Hisao in the sense that they can both be incredibly tactless even though they mean well. Shizune is certainly someone who would have picked up on the signs that Hanako was giving, but being mute she'd have been limited to relaying them via Misha, which would have easily made things worse given how Misha is and how loud she'd have been telling Hisao or Mutou. Otherwise, they would definitely treat her the same as they treat everone else, and would definitely include her, but whether Hanako realises that is another matter entirely...As I said, I don't want to dwell too much on the timing or the circumstances behind the deaths of Hanako's parents. It's never stated as canon in the visual novel, and I want to try and stick to canon as much as possible (aside from the Miss Yumi references and my own thoughts on Hanako's emotions and feelings). As I mentioned above though, I'll certainly be trying to explore multiple thoughts regarding why Hanako shuts down the way she does around her birthday, and see where it takes usGentleGiant wrote:Well, one would have to remember that this particular episode concerns her birthday, and at least Lilly implies that Hanako shutting down on and around her birthday is connected with her parents death. So I don't think it is out of place to bring that up at this point.Negativedarke wrote:Again this was really good. It was also kind of heartwrenching. Well I knew this scene would be. There's just one complaint I have. Maybe it's just me, but really it seemed like you used her loss of her parents. But Hanako really got her social anxiety from the betrayal of her friends and being treated as an unperson. That's what left her with the fear that no one would truly be a friend to her.
On the upsides, You handled Shizune and Misha really well. it's always been interesting to me. I really don't feel those two treat Hanako any differently than they do anyone else. Unfourtunatly that's a little overwhelming for Hanako.
I did however not buy Hisao's musing that Hanako rues the day she was born because she blames herself for it. My theory was that it was more directly connected, that it happened on, and because of her birthday - some candles being left unattended as the family retired to bed perhaps?
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Negativedarke
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
Well there are going to be differing takes on something as complex as Hanako's feelings. I personally don't think that the fire had anything to do with her birthday though. In her good ending, (paraphrasing this) when she breaks down crying, she says the reason that she doesn't like her birthday is that after all the bieng treated as a unwanted and useless person she just wanted to be left alone by the world, but that her birthday was the one day that people wouldn't let that happen, and would pretend she mattered. She doesn't really bring up her parents there, and since she's supposed to be laying her soul bare, I'd imagine that it's probably supposed to be the reason for her birthday issues.
"Misha, I don't think Chocoholism is a real disability."
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
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StudyOfWumbology
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
I knew you browsed this forum Trivun. I'm glad that you are getting decent feedback as well! Keep up the good work and don't die, please.
Things happen. For the best or for the worst we do not know.
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Hisao&Hanako<3
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
This is where I have one of my "If I were Hisao" moments. I sit here trying to ponder the situation as well as give strong supporting reasons why I would act/think a certain way. I still don't get this whole "White Knight" thing. See, what someone may think and what they say could be two very different things, even if they have intentions/feelings that could be considered "White Knighting." Saying something that would come across to Hanako as "You need help, let me help you!" is completely different from saying things like...
"I care a lot about you. When you suffer, it hurts me too. I want to be closer to you. I depend on you."
"You're a really beautiful person. You're smart and observant. You are kind. You have pretty long hair and beautiful eyes. Your body is beautiful, and a serious injury doesn't change that."
Think about it. Think about the things Hanako heard growing up. Things like...
"Monster"
"You're creepy"
"Ugly"
"Unlovable"
Now, do you really think Hanako would get pissed off at someone saying the first group of statements I listed?
If you say things like "You're a damaged person. Let me help you," of course she's going to get mad. But if you compliment her, and tell her that you care about her, want to be close to her and depend on her, I doubt she would get mad. If you act like you need her around, and that you're better off because she's with you, once again I doubt she'd get mad at that. Do you all follow my reasoning?
"I care a lot about you. When you suffer, it hurts me too. I want to be closer to you. I depend on you."
"You're a really beautiful person. You're smart and observant. You are kind. You have pretty long hair and beautiful eyes. Your body is beautiful, and a serious injury doesn't change that."
Think about it. Think about the things Hanako heard growing up. Things like...
"Monster"
"You're creepy"
"Ugly"
"Unlovable"
Now, do you really think Hanako would get pissed off at someone saying the first group of statements I listed?
If you say things like "You're a damaged person. Let me help you," of course she's going to get mad. But if you compliment her, and tell her that you care about her, want to be close to her and depend on her, I doubt she would get mad. If you act like you need her around, and that you're better off because she's with you, once again I doubt she'd get mad at that. Do you all follow my reasoning?
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Negativedarke
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Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
Well really all the white knighting is in this case is going too far. It's the difference between being supportive, and being smothering. It's the difference between "It's okay, I'm here if you need me" and "Don't you worry your pretty little head, I'll take care of everything" One is treating them as being capable of standing on their own, but letting them know you're there for them, the other is treating them as being incapable of taking care of themselves and needing protection from everything. Hisao starts to veer in to the latter during the pool game, and really embraces it in the nutreal ending. Hanako's afraid that Hisao is just seeing her as a child to be protected, and not truly seeing her as an equal. Let's compare it to Emi. Emi is afraid of getting close to others because she's afraid of the pain of loss. Hanako is afraid of getting close to others because of the fear of rejection.
"Misha, I don't think Chocoholism is a real disability."
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"
Re: Hanako's Story (UPDATED 05/02/2013)
It took me awhile to wrap my brain around it. But shes like any other teen. Despite her problems, she doesn't want to be treated like a little girl anymore, but like a grown up Hisao and Lilly are simply standing in for her parents.
But it really does seem like there's a fine line between WK'ing, and just wanting to help.
But it really does seem like there's a fine line between WK'ing, and just wanting to help.
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." ~ The Doctor.