When I realized it wasn’t a very long ride from the airport I was relieved. It meant I could see Lilly and get the initial awkwardness out of the way sooner. Now that we’re pulling up to the house, I’m wishing it were the other way around. I could’ve used more time to prepare. Maybe I’d have come up with some kind of game plan.
Or maybe I’m just terrified now that the moment’s finally here.
Nobody says a word at first. We all just sit there in the car, staring at the most quaint and utterly imposing building I’ve ever set eyes on. None of the lights are on, save the one over the front door and another in the entryway, but that doesn’t mean much. It’s not like Lilly would need them, assuming she’s up in the first place. Akira turns to me with that serious look again.
“I think… you should go in first. I’ll hang back here with pretty-boy for a few minutes.”
I can feel the panic starting to creep into my chest. There’s no way I can just walk in there and face Lilly alone. Even after hearing Akira’s side of things I still can’t bring myself to hope that Lilly would welcome me back with open arms. Really, there’s no way.
“Y-You don’t really think… I-I mean, you c-can’t be serio-“
“GO,” Akira’s voice is almost deafening in the tiny compact, but the silence that follows is even louder. I look back at Sho for support, but he nods in agreement.
Shit…
Without much of a choice, I step outside. It takes an enormous amount of will to get my legs moving. It takes even more to keep them active. I take a few steps and stop. Manage a couple more and stop again. I reach the front of the car and look back. Akira gives me a smile that’s entirely too big to be sincere and Sho looks downright nervous. I look back to the front door. It seems impossibly far away. Maybe it was a mistake to come. It’s only going to make everyone miserable. I could probably convince Sho to-
No.
My own resolve catches me by surprise.
I’ve come this far, I’m not just going to turn around and run home.
But Lilly’s got to be mad at me. She probably hates me for running off and hates me even more for never bothering to so much as give her a call.
God, I can be such a selfish bitch sometimes.
How is not wanting to face Lilly’s wrath selfish? I mean sure, she might feel better after she screams at me for a couple of hours, but I wouldn’t call denying her that opportunity “selfish.”
This isn’t about me anymore. Lilly didn’t call because she wants to get back at me; she called because she just lost someone very close to her. SHE needs ME this time.
I smack myself in the forehead and lean back on the car’s hood for a second. I really CAN be a selfish bitch. Well, I won’t let this be one of those times. I stand back up, take a deep breath, and march toward the front door. I ignore the doorbell and give it a light knock. Progress is progress, no matter how minute it may be. No response, so I knock again. A little louder. Still nothing.
I turn back to face the car, searching for some sort of signal from Akira that might give me a nudge in the right direction, when I hear the unmistakable sound of locks moving from behind the door. I spin around as it creaks open and my breath catches.
Lilly…
She looks awful. Her hair is a mess and there are huge bags under her eyes, but what really worries me is her expression. She looks like she’s just about given up.
“Is that you, Akira?” her voice sounds empty. As though all of the energy and life she once possessed had been drained away overnight. In a vaguely literal sense it sort of has. I still can’t seem to say anything. This was so much easier over the phone.
“Is she with you?” she asks, a glimmer of hope in her voice. Her face perks up a little.
I gasp slightly. Of course she hears it. Her expression shifts back to miserable.
“She… couldn’t make it, right?” she takes a deep breath, holds it, then lets it out slowly. It looks like she wants to cry, “I can’t really blame her. She’s probably really busy…”
I slowly bring my hands up and rest them on her shoulders and she sniffles a little.
Say something you idiot!
“Um.. H-Hi, LillYYYYYY!!!” she recognizes my voice instantly and lunges forward, wrapping her arms around my waist. I instinctively reach around and lock my fingers together behind her back.
“HANAKO!!!” she shouts as she frantically brings her hands up to take a look at me, “Your hair is so short! I like it!” she gently moves her fingers along the contours of my face. It feels familiar. Relaxing, even, “And you’re just as beautiful as ever,” she says proudly.
I feel something peculiar as her hand bushes across my right cheek. She moves it around to the front of my face and I notice something glinting in my periphery. I can’t quite focus on it because it’s so close to my eye, but I know what it is even without clarification.
A wedding ring.
She moves her hands back to my waist and gives me another less frantic hug, “Oh, I can’t believe you… I’m so happy to…” she starts to sniffle again. She leans her head down and rests it on my shoulder. Before long I can feel her body trembling. Then I notice my shoulder getting wet.
“I missed you, too,” I tell her. My voice cracks but I keep talking, “I’ve missed you a lot,” I bring a hand up and gently stroke her hair, “I think we’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”
We stand in the doorway like that for a while, neither of us willing to let go. Eventually, the sound of Akira clearing her throat snaps us out of it. We each take a moment to dry our eyes as she pushes past us and into the house with Sho right behind her. He pauses for a moment and looks as if he wants to say something, but he decides against it. He gives me a quick nod and walks inside.
--------------
We meet up with Akira and Sho in the living room after they’ve dropped the luggage… somewhere. I’ll figure it out later. We all stand around, trying to figure out what to say to each other, when Lilly breaks the ice.
“So Hanako,” she turns her head a little and faces Sho’s stomach, “who have you brought with you?” Sho inhales sharply, obviously caught by surprise. I can’t say I blame him. He probably hadn’t considered that she heard the extra set of footsteps or felt him when he walked past us in the entryway. Surprisingly, he only hesitates for a second before introducing himself.
“I’m sorry, my name is Sho Yamane. I’m Hanako’s…” he glances toward the ceiling and ponders for a moment, “publicist. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Lilly smiles and holds out her hand. He reaches out and takes it.
“Such a gentleman! I’m Lilly Satou, Hanako’s…” she pauses, “we knew each other in high school,” the way she sidesteps our near inseparable friendship hurts, but I suppose I should’ve expected it. Neither of us is sure how this is going to play out at this point.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well,” she continues, “I’m sorry, I must look a mess.”
“Mess” is putting it lightly.
The conversation comes to an abrupt halt for a moment before Sho speaks up again, “I’m… I’m very sorry for your loss,” his words cause her face to cloud over but he continues, “I… I know we’ve only just met, but I want you to know that it’s not just empty words. I really am truly, very sorry.”
A couple of tears roll down her cheeks as the corners of her mouth turn up into a weak smile.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“Well then,” Akira speaks up, clapping her sister on the back, “I’m gonna head home, clean myself up, and get a few hours of sleep. I’ll see you kids later.”
She turns and walks out, giving us a single wave from behind before closing the door behind her. We stand there in silence as we hear her car start and pull away. Once again, Lilly takes the initiative.
“You’re not ‘just’ Hanako’s publicist, are you Sho?”
Oh lord, not this again. I’d expect it from Akira, but Lilly, too?
“Come on, Lilly,” I argue playfully, “Akira gave us enough of a hard time in the car.”
She nods, “I’d imagine so,” she says with a smile.
“Okay,” I admit, “he’s also a friend.”
I look over to him and I suddenly realize, “Actually, he’s the best friend I’ve got back home.”
She nods her approval, “Well then, why don’t we all sit down and have some tea?”
Sho clears his throat, “Actually, I think you ladies probably want some time alone to talk. Besides,” he lets out an exaggerated yawn, “I’ve been on a plane for a really, really long time. I think I’m going to try and get some shut-eye myself.”
“I suppose I can forgive you, then,” Lilly retorts with a small grin, “Do you know where the guest room is?”
He nods, “Akira and I dropped the bags there when we came in. I’m pretty sure I can find it again.”
“Okay then, have a good night Yamane-san.”
“Please, call me Sho.”
She smiles in his direction, “Only if you agree to call me Lilly.”
He dramatically whips off his glasses and feigns inner conflict. He quickly realizes that I’m the only one who can see what he’s doing. Undeterred, he punctuates his little show with a drawn out “Hmmmmmmmmmmm…” before reaching a decision.
“Agreed.”
He turns to me to say good night when I step forward, “Thank you,” I say, and give him a hug. I can feel him stiffen up for a second, then it takes him a few more before he awkwardly returns it. I let go and step back. He looks completely dumbfounded.
“Um… w-what was that for?”
I shrug, “Because you’re here,” I explain.
“What…” he still seems confused, “you mean within hugging distance?”
“No, no,” I giggle as I hear Lilly’s own muffled laughter, “I mean because you’re HERE. Because you came with me.”
“Oh…” he says, still in a bit of a daze, “Okay then. Um… Have a good night ladies.”
Once the door clicks shut, Lilly speaks up again, “Well, shall we?”
We make our way into the kitchen. I sit at the table and watch her go about preparing the tea. She moves slowly but steadily, sliding her fingers along the drawers and cupboards, systematically finding the proper ones before digging out the contents and placing them on the counter.
They must have been living here for a while if she can find her way around that effortlessly.
I want to ask her about their life together. How long had they been married? Was she able to become a teacher like she wanted? What did Hisao do? But I keep silent. I don’t want to torture her with my curiosity. Before long she finishes preparing the tea and places it all on a tray.
“Hanako, would you be so kind as to carry this for me?” she asks.
“Sure,” I agree as I pick it up and follow her back to the living room. She gestures to the coffee table and I set it down as she takes a seat on the couch. Just as I take my hands off the tray something else on the table catches my eye. I gasp.
“L-Lilly…” I say, my voice shaking, “is that… i-is that what I think it is?”
She nods, fully aware of what I’m referring to.
No way…
I reach forward slowly, almost afraid to touch it. I can’t believe I’m seeing this. I thought I’d left it behind at Yamaku. No, I hadn’t left it behind; I’d abandoned it. Just like I abandoned my friends. But here it is again, somehow finding its way back to me.
I run my fingers over the ornate carvings as Hisao’s voice echoes in my head.
"They’re coral. Natural coral, undyed. Or so I’m told."
I look up at Lilly. I want to ask her why it’s here. I want to know why they didn’t just leave it in my room all those years ago, let alone why they’d bothered to keep it for so long. I want to, but I can’t. At the moment, my voice isn’t working.
Picking up on my obvious mechanical problems, she starts to explain without my prompting.
“Hi-Hisao found it in your room after you… left,” she looks down toward her lap, “At the time, we wanted to hang on to it. So that we could…” she sighs, “in order to return it to you when we saw you again.”
Only I never came back to them.
“After while,” she continues, “we decided to keep it as a reminder.”
“Of how awful I was…” I finish for her.
Lilly’s breath catches in her throat. She clenches her fists and snaps her head in my direction.
“Don’t you ever… EVER… say that,” she practically growls at me, “You are NOT, nor have you EVER BEEN an awful person, Hanako Ikezawa. We kept it as a reminder because we MISSED YOU.”
My body tenses up. She looks like she wants to smack me. Chances are good that she probably would have if she were confident that she’d be able to land an accurate hit. She stares through me for what feels like forever before she starts to loosen up again. She sighs.
“I’m sorry… It’s just that I… Hisao told me about your fight. He told me what you said and I… I’m sorry.”
I just kind of stare at her, slack-jawed for a few seconds. Has she seriously been blaming herself this whole time?
Well not anymore.
“Lilly…” I sit down on the couch and put my hand on hers, “I-I didn’t mean what I said back then. At least, not all of it,” I sigh, “Yes, I hated being treated so delicately, and yes I was angry. At… at both of you. But that’s no excuse for the way I acted.”
“To be honest,” I continue, looking away from her and absentmindedly staring at the chess set, “I was kind of hoping to talk to you once you came back. I… I felt awful about it and I-I wanted to apologize. B-But I was too stubborn to do it on my own. I was l-looking forward to you lecturing me and p-pushing me back to Hisao…”
Lilly’s expression shift from contentment to sadness before I finish talking, “Oh, Hanako… I can only imagine what you must think of-“
“N-No!” I interrupt, “It’s not that.”
“But you… We…” she argues.
“No,” I repeat as I shake my head automatically, “It was my choice to,” I sniffle, “avoid you. B-Both of you. I knew he’d have t-told you everything and I was too ashamed to face you,” I look over at her and see the same grief-stricken expression that I know is all over my face as well, “I ran away from my problems, and I’ve regretted it ever since.”
Well, I’ve come this far. Might as well let it all out in the open.
“You’re right, though.” I admit, “I-I… loved Hisao. At least I did back then. Realizing that he didn’t… c-couldn’t feel the same way about me was horrible. B-But I’m being honest when I say that I’m r-really… really glad that you made each other happy.”
I worry that talking about Hisao will upset her further, but I think it’s more important that we both clear the air so I keep going.
“You were both there for me when I needed you, n-no matter your intentions. I-I just wish I c-could say the same for m-myself,” I wipe at my eye.
“I was mad at him, too,” Lilly chuckles dryly, “We had discussed… I mean… well… we were worried about you and he… he called me while I was away, and I told him to give you some space and a little time, “she smiles half-heartedly, “ I knew you weren’t helpless. But he didn’t listen and he went to talk to you anyway and you were angry and…” she trails off.
We both just sit there, tears silently falling and not another word between us. After several minutes, Lilly puts her free hand on top of mine.
“Well then,” she says, sounding a little strained but surprisingly upbeat, “how about we, um…” she hesitates nervously.
“Pick up where we left off?” I finish.
Her smile lights up the room, “Yes. I… I’d really like that.”
I smile back, “So why don’t we try to fill in some of the gaps?”
She nods in agreement.
“Well… I know what you’ve been up to. At least… most of it,” she looks a little embarrassed.
“W-Wait…” I can hardly believe it, but I think she was implying… “Y-You…”
“Yes, Hanako,” she smiles, “I’ve read all your books.”
.