Katawa Shoujo Forums

Xiious...

Damn man. That story is heart-rending. Your a much stronger person than I am. Id like to think Id be able to live on, but I honestly think I would have removed myself from this earth. Either that, or the panic I would go into over it would kill me by heart attack. Just reading your story gave me a case of the feels. The world is a cruel, nasty, horny thing. It keeps fucking you over every chance it gets, stealing every bit of happiness and peace that it can. Life sucks, then we die. Thats my honest outlook right now. I even surprise myself at times with how cynical I am.

KryingPhoenix...

With your story, you described a large part of me as well. The only time I really remember ever feeling anything that could be called happiness is when Ive been with someone that I loved. I keep scolding myself for being so weak as to need someone in my life for me to actually be happy and feel good. To have them with me, to hold hands with them, to be able to hold them close to me. When I do, it feels like I can actually forget about things that bring me down and depress/anger me about the world and I am actually happy and carefree. How weak I am that I can only do that when I am with someone....

But I am like you. I shy away from everyone. I'm a loner. I would rather be alone than go to a social gathering of any sort. I don't even try because I feel like they are going to reject on sight because of my looks or whatever else, before they even attempt to get to know me. The other thing is I don't want to try because I don't want to put them off or make them feel awkward and drive them off right away. I feel like Id be a burden somehow. When I do get into a group, I am the quiet one. Everyone else does the talking, I just sit and listen, rarely if ever saying anything to contribute. Thats caused me problems, because of the consternation it seems to generate in people. I just had a friend give up on me, and say she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore because of that reason. One on one with someone I trust, I can carry on a conversation, and even a good debate. However that never works in a group setting (3 or more people). So I avoid getting to know anyone new, and that is what is going to keep me from finding anyone. I know that much.

I can count on one hand how many people in this world I truly trust. Everyone else, I expect to screw me over somehow or another. It isn't a question of if, because I know its going to happen. It just a question of how and when. Ive known betrayal in my life. Many, many times. I'm an untrusting asshole, I know. However, at least this way, if I dont let them get close to me, then they cant hurt me. So I avoid the pain, by not letting it happen in the first place.

I really wish I could just simply get over it...

ArazelEternal wrote:Xiious...

Damn man. That story is heart-rending. Your a much stronger person than I am. Id like to think Id be able to live on, but I honestly think I would have removed myself from this earth. Either that, or the panic I would go into over it would kill me by heart attack. Just reading your story gave me a case of the feels. The world is a cruel, nasty, horny thing. It keeps fucking you over every chance it gets, stealing every bit of happiness and peace that it can. Life sucks, then we die. Thats my honest outlook right now. I even surprise myself at times with how cynical I am.

KryingPhoenix...

With your story, you described a large part of me as well. The only time I really remember ever feeling anything that could be called happiness is when Ive been with someone that I loved. I keep scolding myself for being so weak as to need someone in my life for me to actually be happy and feel good. To have them with me, to hold hands with them, to be able to hold them close to me. When I do, it feels like I can actually forget about things that bring me down and depress/anger me about the world and I am actually happy and carefree. How weak I am that I can only do that when I am with someone....

But I am like you. I shy away from everyone. I'm a loner. I would rather be alone than go to a social gathering of any sort. I don't even try because I feel like they are going to reject on sight because of my looks or whatever else, before they even attempt to get to know me. The other thing is I don't want to try because I don't want to put them off or make them feel awkward and drive them off right away. I feel like Id be a burden somehow. When I do get into a group, I am the quiet one. Everyone else does the talking, I just sit and listen, rarely if ever saying anything to contribute. Thats caused me problems, because of the consternation it seems to generate in people. I just had a friend give up on me, and say she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore because of that reason. One on one with someone I trust, I can carry on a conversation, and even a good debate. However that never works in a group setting (3 or more people). So I avoid getting to know anyone new, and that is what is going to keep me from finding anyone. I know that much.

I can count on one hand how many people in this world I truly trust. Everyone else, I expect to screw me over somehow or another. It isn't a question of if, because I know its going to happen. It just a question of how and when. Ive known betrayal in my life. Many, many times. I'm an untrusting asshole, I know. However, at least this way, if I dont let them get close to me, then they cant hurt me. So I avoid the pain, by not letting it happen in the first place.

I really wish I could just simply get over it...

What the fud? You sound almost exactly like me. About nearly anything.

The O.H.L. wrote: What the fud? You sound almost exactly like me. About nearly anything.

There seems to be a number of us.

ArazelEternal wrote:Xiious...

Damn man. That story is heart-rending. Your a much stronger person than I am. Id like to think Id be able to live on, but I honestly think I would have removed myself from this earth. Either that, or the panic I would go into over it would kill me by heart attack. Just reading your story gave me a case of the feels. The world is a cruel, nasty, horny thing. It keeps fucking you over every chance it gets, stealing every bit of happiness and peace that it can. Life sucks, then we die. Thats my honest outlook right now. I even surprise myself at times with how cynical I am.

i dont think of myself as strong, but rather as a coward... i simply wasnt strong enough to let go of my life. instead i became extremely bitter to the point where i had no one, and did the most despicable things online anyone could do... i hated everything and had no remorse for the people's lives i destroyed, the people's lives i hurt so badly they gave up on their dreams.... i have a talent for words.. and so i can twist the knife, so to speak... in a way im glad that i was able to partially revive myself thanks to Rin.. but i still have much to do to atone for what ive done to everyone around me past two years...

and that's the point of life i guess, is to find the way that best suits each one of us to walk through this hell we call life. its all we can do to help each other along, each one of us are all in the same predicament in a way. Every person who interacts with another should leave the other person's life just a little bit better...

Well, it's probably time for me to chip in my two cents (prepare for words words words):

Before I really get into the nitty-gritty, however, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time so far to post your story. It takes a lot of courage to post these intimate details, even if it is to a group of pseudo-anonymous KS nerds. While I don't want this to sound like a cop-out catchall statement, I want to say that no matter how difficult the times may seem, no matter how hopeless everything might appear, there is always, always a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep striving to achieve what your heart desires, and never give up. Never, ever give up.

Xiious, your story really weighed on my conscience all day. It was so depressing, at first my mind rejected it as either some horrible troll or a script from a movie. However, after reading more of your input I'm more or less convinced of the sincerity of your heart-wrenching tale. (I truly mean no offense, but my innumerable time on the internet has lead me to have a rather jaded tolerance to new acquaintances, especially ones who tell grandiose tales)

I am truly sorry for what you have gone through, but I feel that others have sort of pointed out the light to you. This girl, with whom you had a deep connection, loved you so much that she actually gave her life so that you may continue living. It would be a terrible waste of her sacrifice and her memory if you strived for anything less than absolute greatness with your life. Her final gift to you was your life - do not squander it. Stay strong, never forget her love, and live with a true purpose.

- - -

I'd like to spend a little time talking about my circumstances. Things are not perfect in my life, things have been rough, but right now I am a stronger person than I have ever been, and it's thanks to perseverence, dedication and hope. I write this with the hopes of giving a little inspiration to my fellow KS nerds, to show them the glimmer of hope that is entirely possible to strive for.

I'll start by laying down the basics: I was raised strict Christian, went to a private school my whole life, and have been overweight my entire life. I have a good sense of humor, but I am terribly shy, especially when it comes to the opposite gender, and ESPECIALLY when it comes to a girl I think is attractive. I've never had a girlfriend. I'm a virgin. I have had thoughts of suicide. I've looked at myself in the mirror and told myself, how could anyone ever love something so fat and disgusting?

I have persevered. My life may not have gone as smoothly as I may have liked, but I made the best out of my situations in every case. Through the strength of my family and friends, and the strength of my own willpower, I fought off my suicidal depression (though it did cause me to drop out of college). I have retained a semblance of my faith in God, and though I might not adhere to every strict dogma of the church, I feel that faith is a good guideline by which to live your life.

That's sort of the sum of the first 24 years or so. I'll go a little more into detail of year 25 (current):

I've been working a part-time job that barely pays the bills for the past year and a half. It's a great work environment, I love my coworkers like brothers and sisters, but unfortunately the hours and wages are not enough for me to ever get ahead. My attempts to either switch departments within my company or find a job outside of the company have all been met with walls, and my constant rejection finally locked me into a stagnant mode of "well, I can't do better."

I dropped out of college when I was 19 and never went back. Not that I didn't want to, but every time I tried to tell myself, "I need to go to college", something would deter me or make me reconsider. Not to sound pompous, but I am quite intelligent so I know I could succeed easily, but I just never made the leap. I'm sure my lack of education has a great amount to do with my limitations of acquiring a better job.

At the start of the year, I was the most overweight I've ever been in my entire life. I got up to 400 lbs., and though I am 6' 3" and carried my weight quite well, it took its toll on my life in many ways. Spending too much money on ordered pizza and fast food, not taking care of my body, drinking soda like it was water... it was all a disaster. My feet hurt just from standing at my job for a 5-hour shift. I was a mess.

The few friends I have I consider very close friends. I typically lose contact with acquaintances or old friends easily, so my actual "circle" is relatively small. The people within that circle, however, I trust with my life.

I think my "rebirth", as it were, was started by one of my friends. He was a very good friend of mine since high school, having met him near the beginning of the four-year adventure. He was a little shy, like myself, but we had a lot of common interests - video games, computers, TV shows - so we hit it off quite quickly. He was one of the few friends I maintained contact with beyond high school. I actually lived with him for a little over a year in a pretty nice apartment, and we worked for the same company for about as long.

We would have spurts of hanging out frequently and infrequently. For a time he would come over twice or three times a week to play video games, card games or just chill, and then there'd be a couple-month period when I wouldn't see him at all. It was okay, we both had our own lives to live, so we kept the friendship close and did stuff when we could.

Maybe two months ago, he completely cut off contact with me. I called / texted him with usual banter, asking if he wanted to come over to hang out, and he did not respond. I made several more attempts over the week, and finally sent him a text essentially saying, "I don't know why you're not responding, if you're mad at me about something please talk to me about it so we can work it out. I care about our friendship and don't want it to end. I love you." (bro love, mind you)

I never got a response.

I was filled with many emotions, of confusion, anger, sadness, and others. But I let it be. A couple weeks ago, a mutual friend of mine and his contacted me and brought it up. I probed him for information, and though initally he was reluctant to talk (as he had been asked not to), he finally told me the reasoning my long-time friend "broke up" with me. I was a bad influence. I was not grown up. I was immature, childish, and not the kind of person he wanted to hang out with anymore.

I was heartbroken. I've never considered myself any of these things, and to have it laid out in front of me like that just tore me up inside. I was initally extremely rage-filled, spouting obscenities at my monitor (even though this was all through text chat) and talking about what a stupid assessment that was to make. But, as the week grew in, I thought... was he really that far off? How different is my life now than it was during high school? I've taken no care of my body whatsoever, I play video games all day, even though I'm independant I barely make enough money to scratch by, and I'm alone.

I decided to try my hand at the "online dating" circuit. I signed up for a free dating website (as I have no spare money to spend on pay-for sites) and wrote a thorough, insightful profile for myself. I detailed my personality and lifestyle, and overall I think it was a good profile. I sent dozens of messages out to prospective interests, all well-written and containing information from their profile to indicate that I actually took the time to read their information and draw comparisons.

I had absolutely no luck. It was a dead end. I was thrown into a deeper depression, because now on top of losing friends due to my wayward life, I'm completely unsuccessful at using an internet dating service to even set up a meeting for a cup of coffee. The surging thoughts of "forever alone" invaded my mind, crushing me into a tiny ball and deadening my soul. Again, I thought, "Who could ever love this fat, disgusting mess of a person?"

And then I played Katawa Shoujo. I know, this seems cheesy, but come on - you all know what sort of impact this game has on people. Playing it opened my eyes to so many details, things I had not thought of ever before in my life. I attribute it mostly to good timing - if I had played this at some other point in my life I likely would have said, "Well, it was a good story" and continued my drifting lifestyle. But in the end, I was touched emotionally and something triggered in my brain. Some sort of switch was flipped and everything took a turn for the better.

I do not attribute everything good happening to this game, but it gave my mind the final nudge it needed to fix my shit and turn my life around.

I have been dieting for some time now (I detailed it more in the Emi's Walk to Fitness thread), but essentially I had been cutting back soda, snacks and fast food for the past several months and now I have begun a full-fledged strong diet and exercise routine. So far I am down 27 pounds, with more shedding every day. I am exercising every day, from walks to swimming to light jogging, and I feel absolutely fantastic about it. My legs may be sore, but the feeling I get when I return from a good exercise is incomparable.

I have applied for college. I finally pushed myself that little bit to get in to meet an advisor, fill out an application, and start my journey to a half-decent career. It won't be an easy road, but it will be accomplished.

I know that I won't find any women with my current looks, but my outlook on life has changed dramatically. Instead of being filled with self-doubt I am now filled with hope - hope that one day I will be in better shape, be better educated, and have the capability and confidence to meet the woman of my dreams. I yearn for companionship and love, and I know that I will find someone soon.

My mind has also been turning to the altruistic. Though I've not cemented anything in, I'm very sure that I want to do some sort of volunteer work. My money is tight so I cannot afford to donate to charity, but I've got plenty of time - time I used to spend endlessly playing video games or staring at my computer monitor. I want to give something back, instead of only taking away.

As these sweeping changes take place in my life, I am filled with such happiness and hope that everything will become much better than it was. My whole life I have been drifting, simply afloat on the sea of time. I am finally learning to swim, and I am going to swim to my goals, no matter how difficult, no matter how long, no matter the cost. I am going to, because I must.

I must interject with one more small story. Over the past few weeks my life has been improving dramatically, but unfortunately I've had a great hardship arise. Over the weekend, one of my coworkers committed suicide. She was a little older, perhaps in her late 30's or early 40's. She had two children, both teenaged. She was depressed, but never showed it outwardly at work and certainly never spoke to any of us about the possibility of killing herself. I always did my best to make her smile and make her laugh, but unfortunately it wasn't enough.

It was incredibly hard on everyone in my workplace. We are essentially a big family, and I said as much during the meeting with the corporate trauma council or whatever the hell they're called... some desk jockeys who come in and tell us it's not our fault. While they spoke only of the fact that it's okay to be sad and we will miss her, I piped up and told my coworkers that, of all the places I've worked in my life, no other job has had the level of dedication, support and love that my workplace has. My coworkers are strong, loving, caring people who build each other up on a daily basis. While this tragedy was heartwrenching for every last one of us, we must continue living our lives and building ourselves up through hardships.

I was very sad to learn that my coworker did this, and the first thing I thought was "There are numerous choices we make in our lives... this choice is absolutely NEVER the right one to make." To anyone who actually made it this far in my post, if any one of you ever feels like this is the choice to make, please for the love of God do not. I don't care how miserable everything looks, I don't care how few options it looks like you have, I don't care how much it hurts to live. Never, ever take your own life. You have but one life to live, and to cut it short simply means that you're cutting away the absolutely innumerable chances you had to pull yourself out of the hole and become a stronger person in the process.

At this time in my life, as I make these sweeping changes, as I build myself a foundation to become a stronger person for the rest of my life, one of my coworkers commits suicide. I think back to my teenage college years, when I considered doing the same thing, and I am disgusted. If I had done that, I would have lost the opportunity to do what I'm doing now. I'd have lost the opportunity to fix my life, to make something of myself, and to find true love. I'd have given up, lost the game, dropped out of the race. I am so, so glad that I did not. And I hope and pray that none of you ever give up either.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." - this is a quote from Shawshank Redemption, and possibly my favorite movie quote of all time. It echoes true in life. Never, ever give up hope.

I love you guys, and I truly hope that you all lead wonderful lives.

ArazelEternal wrote:With your story, you described a large part of me as well.

We're not all alike. Somehow despite my own loneliness, I seem to have managed to avoid betrayal. Or at the very least, if someone close to me hurts me I'm quick to acknowledge that I probably hurt them back and try not to hold a grudge. I guess I'm too innocent to descend into true cynicism yet.

The rest rings completely true. But I think we'll manage to persevere. Typically it takes small steps to work through these issues. Or it could be my innocence talking. Not sure.

Gandara wrote:Well, it's probably time for me to chip in my two cents (prepare for words words words):

words words words omitted for length

A line from Emi's path comes to mind, how she said the second day of morning runs would be the most difficult. In a sense, your coworkers suicide was that second day. You're past the first hard part, and I hope you can keep pushing through.
All the luck in the world to you.


I swear, just a couple days in here and already I think I'm getting more feels than I got from KS itself. I have a few friends of mine going through difficult times and unfortunately not something I can help them with. I think I might suggest this game their direction. A good case of the feels can ease all sorts of pains.

ArazelEternal wrote:

The O.H.L. wrote: What the fud? You sound almost exactly like me. About nearly anything.

There seems to be a number of us.

Indeed, I saw a lot of myself in that post as well. An awful lot. I don't often think about it, but I realize at times like this that I too don't trust people. At all. Matter of fact I'd even go so far as to say I detest people. I certainly have no reason to like them, as only one friend out of all of the so-called "friends" I've had has actually stayed with me through thick and thin, and actually likes me for who I really am. Besides her, everyone else has been all-to-eager to stab me in the back and kick me when I'm down. I guess that's where I am now in life. I still talk to people. Hell, I probably seem like a chatterbox to my co-workers. But it's all an act. I really couldn't care less about 95% of the things I talk about in the run of a day, and it's pretty much the same lines I use for certain situations every day like a script, with some joke thrown in to keep the hounds at bay. But all through my childhood I was the outcast, the shy kid who always sat alone, and who'd always bee line it out of school towards the safety of home the second the bell rang to avoid the other kids. I always made an effort to blend into whatever room I was in, so no one would notice me, something I still do today funny enough. Even in high school I got picked on pretty badly for being weird, by those "friends" mostly. And then there's my job, which MAKES me have to be someone I'm not, daily. So it's become pretty clear to me that I need to pretend to be normal. Which can suck hard, as A) it tends to lead me to the wonderful world of depression, and B) It misleads people into thinking I'm someone I'm not, making finding the few good friends impossible.
So there's fake me, who people hate after they realize I'm a phony. And there's the real me who's too damn afraid to even look at people. Ain't life a fucking peach.

That said though, I know it's something we can overcome. Therapy would probably be good, but I'm the type of stubborn bastard who refuses to let others help me. (Unless they're anonymous strangers on the internet of course.)
But I think the best thing people like us can do is just say fuck it all and throw ourselves into the world as we are. Eventually, after being bashed and beaten, someone will come along who'll make it all worth while. Besides, they say taking a few good knocks makes you stronger.

Xiious: Forgive the prying, but I notice that you're from New Brunswick. I too am from the great province of Irving Oil Ltd. That's kinda cool. And we're also glad that you were able to come around a bit. Living as a corpse is a waste of what you have been given. That accident will always be with you, that's the cold truth. In life, you only get two options when you're suffering. You can immerse yourself in it, and drown slowly. Or you can take what you can from it, and do your best to soldier on. In your case, you'd be doing that for yourself, as well as for her. She gave you a beautiful gift,so make her proud with it. So one day, through whatever plane of existence there is after we leave this world, you'll see eachother again, and she'll be happy that you lived a full life. Even if you try your best, as long as you live on, I'm sure she'll be smiling.

Redbullet612 wrote:Xiious: Forgive the prying, but I notice that you're from New Brunswick. I too am from the great province of Irving Oil Ltd. That's kinda cool. And we're also glad that you were able to come around a bit. Living as a corpse is a waste of what you have been given. That accident will always be with you, that's the cold truth. In life, you only get two options when you're suffering. You can immerse yourself in it, and drown slowly. Or you can take what you can from it, and do your best to soldier on. In your case, you'd be doing that for yourself, as well as for her. She gave you a beautiful gift, so make her proud with it. So one day, through whatever plane of existence there is after we leave this world, you'll see eachother again, and she'll be happy that you lived a full life. Even if you try your best, as long as you live on, I'm sure she'll be smiling.

i really dont mind prying, im just happy to make what seems like a new start with some new(abeit anon) friends. i realize the worst has passed, and im glad i can smile a little again, despite everything that has happened. :')

Behind the cover of anon, we of the likeminded truly do come together, those of us society has cast aside as failures. we find each other in places all over the internet, happy to find people we can truly relate to each other and share experiences. and despite not knowing each other at all, we all have that sense of kinship that comes with finding people who understand the pain, or even, not understanding it, but being there to support each other anyway. it truly has given me a boost of faith in our little race of humans, that in times of pain, there are ALWAYS people you can turn to. it really doesnt matter whether you know them or not, but i feel really glad that places like this thread exist for the sole purpose of helping one another get back on our feet...dust ourselves of, wipe away our tears, smile for the future and walk together arm in arm(figuratively speaking) to what can seem, a brighter future.

i want my words to reach people, i want my words to help people: not only to atone for what ive done, but because i want to help spread hope for a happy future amongst us of the human race... us, the likeminded, the forgotten that society in general has left behind. because thats what i know she would have wanted me to do. and i hope for a future where, maybe, i can see her again. then ill know... ive truly helped myself become happy

EDIT: i wish this thread would be stickied so that no matter how far in the future it gets, this thread wont be forgotton and people can always come to it and realize they are not alone

Gandara wrote:Well, it's probably time for me to chip in my two cents (prepare for words words words):

Before I really get into the nitty-gritty, however, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time so far to post your story. It takes a lot of courage to post these intimate details, even if it is to a group of pseudo-anonymous KS nerds. While I don't want this to sound like a cop-out catchall statement, I want to say that no matter how difficult the times may seem, no matter how hopeless everything might appear, there is always, always a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep striving to achieve what your heart desires, and never give up. Never, ever give up.

Xiious, your story really weighed on my conscience all day. It was so depressing, at first my mind rejected it as either some horrible troll or a script from a movie. However, after reading more of your input I'm more or less convinced of the sincerity of your heart-wrenching tale. (I truly mean no offense, but my innumerable time on the internet has lead me to have a rather jaded tolerance to new acquaintances, especially ones who tell grandiose tales)

I am truly sorry for what you have gone through, but I feel that others have sort of pointed out the light to you. This girl, with whom you had a deep connection, loved you so much that she actually gave her life so that you may continue living. It would be a terrible waste of her sacrifice and her memory if you strived for anything less than absolute greatness with your life. Her final gift to you was your life - do not squander it. Stay strong, never forget her love, and live with a true purpose.

- - -

I'd like to spend a little time talking about my circumstances. Things are not perfect in my life, things have been rough, but right now I am a stronger person than I have ever been, and it's thanks to perseverence, dedication and hope. I write this with the hopes of giving a little inspiration to my fellow KS nerds, to show them the glimmer of hope that is entirely possible to strive for.

I'll start by laying down the basics: I was raised strict Christian, went to a private school my whole life, and have been overweight my entire life. I have a good sense of humor, but I am terribly shy, especially when it comes to the opposite gender, and ESPECIALLY when it comes to a girl I think is attractive. I've never had a girlfriend. I'm a virgin. I have had thoughts of suicide. I've looked at myself in the mirror and told myself, how could anyone ever love something so fat and disgusting?

I have persevered. My life may not have gone as smoothly as I may have liked, but I made the best out of my situations in every case. Through the strength of my family and friends, and the strength of my own willpower, I fought off my suicidal depression (though it did cause me to drop out of college). I have retained a semblance of my faith in God, and though I might not adhere to every strict dogma of the church, I feel that faith is a good guideline by which to live your life.

That's sort of the sum of the first 24 years or so. I'll go a little more into detail of year 25 (current):

I've been working a part-time job that barely pays the bills for the past year and a half. It's a great work environment, I love my coworkers like brothers and sisters, but unfortunately the hours and wages are not enough for me to ever get ahead. My attempts to either switch departments within my company or find a job outside of the company have all been met with walls, and my constant rejection finally locked me into a stagnant mode of "well, I can't do better."

I dropped out of college when I was 19 and never went back. Not that I didn't want to, but every time I tried to tell myself, "I need to go to college", something would deter me or make me reconsider. Not to sound pompous, but I am quite intelligent so I know I could succeed easily, but I just never made the leap. I'm sure my lack of education has a great amount to do with my limitations of acquiring a better job.

At the start of the year, I was the most overweight I've ever been in my entire life. I got up to 400 lbs., and though I am 6' 3" and carried my weight quite well, it took its toll on my life in many ways. Spending too much money on ordered pizza and fast food, not taking care of my body, drinking soda like it was water... it was all a disaster. My feet hurt just from standing at my job for a 5-hour shift. I was a mess.

The few friends I have I consider very close friends. I typically lose contact with acquaintances or old friends easily, so my actual "circle" is relatively small. The people within that circle, however, I trust with my life.

I think my "rebirth", as it were, was started by one of my friends. He was a very good friend of mine since high school, having met him near the beginning of the four-year adventure. He was a little shy, like myself, but we had a lot of common interests - video games, computers, TV shows - so we hit it off quite quickly. He was one of the few friends I maintained contact with beyond high school. I actually lived with him for a little over a year in a pretty nice apartment, and we worked for the same company for about as long.

We would have spurts of hanging out frequently and infrequently. For a time he would come over twice or three times a week to play video games, card games or just chill, and then there'd be a couple-month period when I wouldn't see him at all. It was okay, we both had our own lives to live, so we kept the friendship close and did stuff when we could.

Maybe two months ago, he completely cut off contact with me. I called / texted him with usual banter, asking if he wanted to come over to hang out, and he did not respond. I made several more attempts over the week, and finally sent him a text essentially saying, "I don't know why you're not responding, if you're mad at me about something please talk to me about it so we can work it out. I care about our friendship and don't want it to end. I love you." (bro love, mind you)

I never got a response.

I was filled with many emotions, of confusion, anger, sadness, and others. But I let it be. A couple weeks ago, a mutual friend of mine and his contacted me and brought it up. I probed him for information, and though initally he was reluctant to talk (as he had been asked not to), he finally told me the reasoning my long-time friend "broke up" with me. I was a bad influence. I was not grown up. I was immature, childish, and not the kind of person he wanted to hang out with anymore.

I was heartbroken. I've never considered myself any of these things, and to have it laid out in front of me like that just tore me up inside. I was initally extremely rage-filled, spouting obscenities at my monitor (even though this was all through text chat) and talking about what a stupid assessment that was to make. But, as the week grew in, I thought... was he really that far off? How different is my life now than it was during high school? I've taken no care of my body whatsoever, I play video games all day, even though I'm independant I barely make enough money to scratch by, and I'm alone.

I decided to try my hand at the "online dating" circuit. I signed up for a free dating website (as I have no spare money to spend on pay-for sites) and wrote a thorough, insightful profile for myself. I detailed my personality and lifestyle, and overall I think it was a good profile. I sent dozens of messages out to prospective interests, all well-written and containing information from their profile to indicate that I actually took the time to read their information and draw comparisons.

I had absolutely no luck. It was a dead end. I was thrown into a deeper depression, because now on top of losing friends due to my wayward life, I'm completely unsuccessful at using an internet dating service to even set up a meeting for a cup of coffee. The surging thoughts of "forever alone" invaded my mind, crushing me into a tiny ball and deadening my soul. Again, I thought, "Who could ever love this fat, disgusting mess of a person?"

And then I played Katawa Shoujo. I know, this seems cheesy, but come on - you all know what sort of impact this game has on people. Playing it opened my eyes to so many details, things I had not thought of ever before in my life. I attribute it mostly to good timing - if I had played this at some other point in my life I likely would have said, "Well, it was a good story" and continued my drifting lifestyle. But in the end, I was touched emotionally and something triggered in my brain. Some sort of switch was flipped and everything took a turn for the better.

I do not attribute everything good happening to this game, but it gave my mind the final nudge it needed to fix my shit and turn my life around.

I have been dieting for some time now (I detailed it more in the Emi's Walk to Fitness thread), but essentially I had been cutting back soda, snacks and fast food for the past several months and now I have begun a full-fledged strong diet and exercise routine. So far I am down 27 pounds, with more shedding every day. I am exercising every day, from walks to swimming to light jogging, and I feel absolutely fantastic about it. My legs may be sore, but the feeling I get when I return from a good exercise is incomparable.

I have applied for college. I finally pushed myself that little bit to get in to meet an advisor, fill out an application, and start my journey to a half-decent career. It won't be an easy road, but it will be accomplished.

I know that I won't find any women with my current looks, but my outlook on life has changed dramatically. Instead of being filled with self-doubt I am now filled with hope - hope that one day I will be in better shape, be better educated, and have the capability and confidence to meet the woman of my dreams. I yearn for companionship and love, and I know that I will find someone soon.

My mind has also been turning to the altruistic. Though I've not cemented anything in, I'm very sure that I want to do some sort of volunteer work. My money is tight so I cannot afford to donate to charity, but I've got plenty of time - time I used to spend endlessly playing video games or staring at my computer monitor. I want to give something back, instead of only taking away.

As these sweeping changes take place in my life, I am filled with such happiness and hope that everything will become much better than it was. My whole life I have been drifting, simply afloat on the sea of time. I am finally learning to swim, and I am going to swim to my goals, no matter how difficult, no matter how long, no matter the cost. I am going to, because I must.

I must interject with one more small story. Over the past few weeks my life has been improving dramatically, but unfortunately I've had a great hardship arise. Over the weekend, one of my coworkers committed suicide. She was a little older, perhaps in her late 30's or early 40's. She had two children, both teenaged. She was depressed, but never showed it outwardly at work and certainly never spoke to any of us about the possibility of killing herself. I always did my best to make her smile and make her laugh, but unfortunately it wasn't enough.

It was incredibly hard on everyone in my workplace. We are essentially a big family, and I said as much during the meeting with the corporate trauma council or whatever the hell they're called... some desk jockeys who come in and tell us it's not our fault. While they spoke only of the fact that it's okay to be sad and we will miss her, I piped up and told my coworkers that, of all the places I've worked in my life, no other job has had the level of dedication, support and love that my workplace has. My coworkers are strong, loving, caring people who build each other up on a daily basis. While this tragedy was heartwrenching for every last one of us, we must continue living our lives and building ourselves up through hardships.

I was very sad to learn that my coworker did this, and the first thing I thought was "There are numerous choices we make in our lives... this choice is absolutely NEVER the right one to make." To anyone who actually made it this far in my post, if any one of you ever feels like this is the choice to make, please for the love of God do not. I don't care how miserable everything looks, I don't care how few options it looks like you have, I don't care how much it hurts to live. Never, ever take your own life. You have but one life to live, and to cut it short simply means that you're cutting away the absolutely innumerable chances you had to pull yourself out of the hole and become a stronger person in the process.

At this time in my life, as I make these sweeping changes, as I build myself a foundation to become a stronger person for the rest of my life, one of my coworkers commits suicide. I think back to my teenage college years, when I considered doing the same thing, and I am disgusted. If I had done that, I would have lost the opportunity to do what I'm doing now. I'd have lost the opportunity to fix my life, to make something of myself, and to find true love. I'd have given up, lost the game, dropped out of the race. I am so, so glad that I did not. And I hope and pray that none of you ever give up either.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." - this is a quote from Shawshank Redemption, and possibly my favorite movie quote of all time. It echoes true in life. Never, ever give up hope.

I love you guys, and I truly hope that you all lead wonderful lives.

Your story touched me mate. May God show you the best path for you. I also crying too Never give up okay ? I..... once like at your situation, but i realized this life is still going, there is still a time to us for fix everything.

Gandara wrote:story chipped for space

I love you guys, and I truly hope that you all lead wonderful lives.

i tip my hat to you, sir.

and i hope you do aswell. happiness is important for other people, but it is also important to be happy for number one as well.

About to follow isn't any sob story, it's just what's made me the way I am today. There have been some really bad stories here, and I feel sorry for all of you, but I still feel like I have to release this on someone. Only a few people even know part of this story, no one besides myself knows it all.

As a kid I was a really active, almost always playing with friends. Then, when I was seven years old (I'm 14 at the moment (Yeah, I guess younger than most people would guess. I don't care.) my aunt committed suicide. Of course I didn't know at the time, but depression is something that's been haunting my father's side of the family, both him, his brother and his sister (the aforementioned aunt) all having it.
This aunt was basically the person in the family that I felt the closest to. She was just twelve years older than me (19 when it happened) and I really just felt something for her. I've always been good at knowing good people from bad, and I guess she was the purest in the family, although everything that had happened to her (I don't think it's necessary to mention) so I had learned to depend on her.

After her death I only said three words the next two weeks: "I miss her". I barely ate, and while in school I didn't do anything besides lying in a couch. I was always crying, and I remember one comment I got from a girl I guess I sort of had a crush on (We kissed once, but nothing every happened since she moved away not long after): "You're forcing yourself to cry to get attention." I think that to her that seemed obvious, but it wasn't true: I was forcing myself to cry because I wanted to show my respect somehow.

Life continued on like usual, but I felt something. I couldn't explain it back then, but now I call it feeling empty. About half a year later, a few months after turning eight, I entered puberty, and I don't doubt that it's partially because of my flowing emotions. At this point I was that kid who cries for anything.
Soon after this I had my first suicide attempt. Of course I didn't realise it myself, but I wanted die. I'm not going to go into details, but I tried to hang myself (Like my aunt) but that didn't go to well. Nobody realised that it was a suicide attempt and just thought it had been an accident. I continued to cry because of basically everything, until about a year later when I had second suicide attempt: I tried to cut my wrists. It failed, since I wasn't very good with knives, and hasn't left a scar. I was able to hide my wrists from my mother, but it was at this point that I stopped showing emotions.

Although I had a hell inside of me I didn't let it out. I cried less and less. I learned manipulation: To show fake emotions. I made myself the bad guy because that was the only way I could identify myself. I was thinking of cutting myself, but the second failed suicide left me with a phobia (I can barely touch knives to this day, and a papercut nearly makes me pass off). I became extremely introvert, and just started playing everybody. I started seeing life as a comedy that played out before my hands with people being pieces that I could move.

I guess now's the time to say that I hate my father. I of course love him for being my father, but I hate him because of how much misery he's put me through. He's a (at the moment) former drug and alcohol addict, and it hasn't been uncommon for him to be high around me. Nowadays he only takes the medicine he's supposed to take, but in larger quantities than told. He's really fucked up my view of the world by passing on his, which makes me angry. He's still doing that, but I've realised it so I stand up against his beliefs.

The story continues just after I turn twelve. The only smile I could give at this point was a forced and controlled one. I started wearing extremely dark clothes, and I started strangling myself, just putting my hands around my neck and pressing, sometimes until I passed out. I was still at the point where you only have a single teacher for every subject, and she was an idiot. It felt good when I got to the school I am at today, where I finally have different teachers for every subject and the teachers aren't egoistic idiots.

I stopped strangling myself, but I still felt extremely bad. It was that summer that I started having panic attacks, something that has continued at summers since (It's started for this summer). It gets extremely hard to breath, my pulse goes up. They let me release emotion that I had kept inside myself before, which I hated. I wanted to be an emotionless bad guy, because that's what I had grown to be. I continued to act my part, though, and that's been going on until a few months ago.

That's when I met this girl through guesting on a livestream. At first it was just because she became a fangirl, but we quickly became friends. A few months ago I started telling her about how I felt, and she started giving me advice, just talking to me, which was more than anyone else has done for me before. Right now I believe that meeting her was one of the best things that happened to me, because now I've started trying to express emotion again. It will take time, but I believe that with help from the few close friends I have I'll be able to become a "real" person one day. I still hide my panic attacks, by instinct, but if I know myself it won't be long until I snap and let out a whole lot.

This girl also got me back into writing, something that I used to do a lot in my pre-teens. It gives me some kind of inner peace, and she enjoys reading what I write so it's a win/win there.

I still can't cry, even though I want to. I hope it won't take long, although I know it will, because I know how depressed I am and I know that makes the people around me feel bad whether they show it or not.


This is the first time I've told this story, and even this is pretty far from fully detailed and without all reasons for what I am today, but I think it will make me feel slightly better when I click Submit.

Wetterl wrote:snipped for space

if you cant cry for yourself, allow us to cry for you. i really dont know what to say...

Xiious wrote:

Wetterl wrote:snipped for space

if you cant cry for yourself, allow us to cry for you. i really dont know what to say...
[picsnip for size]

Thanks, although I can't say that my story compares to yours. (Okay, that was an idiotic thing to say: Never compare people's stories)
Still, thanks.

Wetterl wrote:

Xiious wrote:

Wetterl wrote:snipped for space

if you cant cry for yourself, allow us to cry for you. i really dont know what to say...
[picsnip for size]

Thanks, although I can't say that my story compares to yours. (Okay, that was an idiotic thing to say: Never compare people's stories)
Still, thanks.

everyone's story is different, but pain is pain no matter where it comes from.

Xiious wrote:everyone's story is different, but pain is pain no matter where it comes from.

I know, but at least I can be happy to have found such a friend that I did. Some don't have that chance, and I'm just happy I did.